Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Breaking Up (w/ Eric Andre)

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

Is it worse to break up with someone, or get broken up with? Comedian Eric Andre (Bombing with Eric Andre) joins Nicole to delve into the heartache of breakups, including the time Eric was dumped via note. He also shares the nerve-wracking story about losing his virginity, talks first crush, first boner, and hard drugs. Plus, they answer your submitted questions, from awkward run-ins with exes to how to get your partner in therapy.Have a question of your own? Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air.Follow Nicole Byer: See Nicole on tour! Get tickets at linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single. But guess what? Did over 300 episodes.

There's no answers. We don't know. So I'm just going to talk about love and shit with people that I think are funny. My guest today is a hilarious comedian. Are you on the apps? I'm on all the apps, Eric Andre. Okay, sorry. I interrupted you. I interrupted you. It's okay. Go on all the apps, Eric Andre. Okay, sorry. I interrupted you.

I interrupted you. It's okay. Go ahead. It's just your intro. Okay. The person you just heard is my guest. And he's a hilarious comedian and creator behind the Eric Andre show. He now hosts the podcast Bombing, a show about bombing from iHeartMedia and Will Ferrell's

Big Bunny Players Network. Who is so excited for him? It's Eric Andre. Hi. Hi. Wait, can you whistle? Can you whistle with your fingies? Me either.

No idea how anybody does that. I have no idea how anybody does that. I have no idea how people do that. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not talented. People blow my mind. People also blow my mind. Eric, to answer your question, I'm on all of the apps. I'm on Raya, Hinge, Bumble, Tinder. Bumblefuck. I'm on raya hinge uh bumble tinder bumble fuck but i'm on bumble fuck i tried to get on

field which is a kink app and i was on it but a bunch of people knew who i was you know what field used to be called what used to be called thrinder because it was tinder for three ways and then tinder got dude line right there my season the sister wait really yeah that's very funny thrinder honestly it's kind of a hard name to just say i'm on thrinder what are you eating i don't know what do you mean you don't know what'd you put in your mouth couldn't tell you well it looks like some sort of salad or maybe a sandwich of sorts. Fish dip. Fish dip?

Why don't you have your friends set you up on dates? Because every time I ask somebody to set me up on a date, they go, oh, I do know a single person. Actually, they're the worst person I've ever met. And they're single for a reason. And they're garbage. That's why. Eric, do you have someone you can set me up with? Would you date another comedian? I think so.

The question is, would another comedian date me? I feel like a lot of comedians are trying to date up or like date very beautiful ladies. Not that I'm not beautiful. I think I am am beautiful but i don't think i'm traditionally beautiful i'm not white with blonde hair and blue eyes and and uh you know i don't know yeah i mean comedians really don't really date comedians i feel like when we were younger we did like in my 20s I feel like everyone kind of dated each other. And then I think 30 to 40, you kind of age out of that. And you're like, I got to find somebody with a normal life who's not trying to write jokes all the time. Who can bring something different to my life.

What about having your parents set you up on a date? They're dead. So they'd be setting me up with a ghost and I'd have to go boo. Both are dead? Both are dead? dead yeah both of them are dead my mom died when i was 16 my dad died when i was 21 it's okay that's what life is i'm sorry it's just a series of fortunate and unfortunate events why don't you make a vision board well i'm reading this book right now called Calling in the One. And I think that's going to be part of it because in the beginning she was like, you better head to Michael's and go get some supplies.

And one of the supplies was like cardboard and magazines and glue. So I think I'm going to be making a vision board soon. I bet you make a vision board and you find your boyfriend. Have you ever made a vision board? No, but I'll come into your house with a glass of Chardonnay and let's make our vision boards together. All right. I love this idea.

I also love that you're bringing one glass of Chardonnay. I have made vision boards before. I made one. Not a glass. Not a glass. A bottle. Perfect. I do love a bottle.

I love white wine. A Sauvignon Blanc is my favorite, but I do love a bottle. I love white wine. A Sauvignon Blanc is my favorite. But I do love a buttery chard. Yeah, I made a vision board in my early 20s. And then everything came true on it. And it was just like in my room above my dresser. So I saw it every day. I'm telling you.

And I don't know why I haven't done another one. I'm telling you, I'm coming over. Eric, this is a very good idea. A couple of things I want. We make a vision board. You put it down your ideal man. You get a commission of whoever. Hugh Grant, Idris Elba, whoever you're into.

Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. I love me some Vin Diesel. Really? That's your type? Yes. He was my, I don't think he was like my sexual awakening. I think that happened way earlier.

But I just remember when The Fast and the Furious came out, I was like think it was like my sexual awakening. I think that happened way earlier, but I just remember when the Fast and the Furious came out, I was like, oh, this man is my everything. People liked Paul Walker, but I was like, no, Vin. Vin did it for you, huh? He did it for you, huh? He did. I find him to be so fucking hot. And I still find him very hot. That's the last thing I thought you would ever say. I know people don't believe, but I think he's just like so genuine and so nice. And I think he would be, I think he'd be a very caring. Why do you, why do you think any of that? Well, his posts on Instagram are just so genuine. like he posted a picture with him and his dog

and he's like man i'm so lucky to have this dog in my life and the support of all my fans i find that i your face i and he's always he's always he's always thanking people in his life. And I kind of like someone who is very earnest, very earnest in what they believe in and very earnest with what they share. Yeah, I just think he's a wonderful man. You don't think so? I don't know. I give him the benefit of the doubt. But I don't think he exudes.

He doesn't exude. Oh my God. He's so sweet and down to earth. You know, I don't know. There's no way. There's no way he can be. Is he single?

No, I believe he has a wife and kids and stuff, which, you know, is upsetting for me. Wasn't he dating Michelle Rodriguez? Yeah. During like the first couple of Fast and the Furious

movies, they were dating, and then they broke up. What a mess. I don't know why. I mean, Michelle, I think it's very, very silly of her to give up a Vin Diesel person in her life, you know? She might have not given up. He might have gave her up.

You know what? I actually don't know. Eric, have you ever broken up with someone else? And how do you deal with it? It sucks. I'm really bad at it. I hate it. I hate it and I tiptoe. I don't. It takes me forever

to do it. I've never broken up with someone. I've only been broken up with and it does suck. It's horrible. I hate it. Fucking with them. I've only been broken up with and it does suck. Horrible. I hate it. Fucking hate it. Yeah.

And I've only been broken up with and the times I've been broken up with most of the time, I would say 90% of the time, I also was like, this isn't going to work. But for whatever reason, I'm like, maybe it will. And then my feelings are hurt. But then like a couple months later, I'm like, well, you didn't really like that person. And life has gone on. And you didn't pass away. Should we do makeovers after a vision board?

Should we go shopping? I would love that. We could go shopping for nice, fun, slutty outfits. Vision boards in the morning, shopping in the afternoon. I like it. It sounds like a nice good day. Then we get a laser eye surgery at midnight. Eric, no.

That's where I draw the line. I'm scared of LASIK eye surgery. Nah, you'll be fine. Have you had it? Yeah. Okay, here's the thing. It's a laser going right into your eyeball, and I'm sure it gets fucked up a percentage of the time, and I'm scared about being the percentage of a time.

My doctor's great. All right, maybe I'll go to your doctor. Eric, who was your first crush? It was little Paul Abdul. Oh, that's a good crush. First celebrity crush or first actual crush? Both. When I was in pre-K, this is the first time I remember being attracted to a girl.

There was a cute little Dominican girl in my pre-K class. And I remember having fantasies about us. I was like, I don't know why, but I really want to get naked with her in the bushes together. Like primal, primal four-year-old fantasies. I was like, time stands still when she walks by. And then when I was five years old, Paula Abdul straight up now tell me came on the MTV and I was like, oh man, i would love to hang out with paul abdul i don't know why and then i would get a boner i'd be like mom why why is my peepee big

and she'd be like oh it means you're tired go to bed i bet go to bed i think i don't feel tired i feel quite the opposite you're exhausted go to sleep yeah she's like uh go to your room and go to sleep and i was like i'll try but i kind of feel like I have a lot of energy all of a sudden after this Paula Abdul video came out. That's very funny to tell your kid, just go to sleep. Don't worry about it. Just go right to sleep. I won't explain a thing to you. Go to sleep.

And then I don't have to deal with it. Now, am I your first guest to eat his lunch during the- Yes, you are. Actually, no. I had one other guest eat, I think a salad. But you know, when you're hungry, why wait? That's right. I think my very first celebrity crush was

Captain Picard from Star Trek. And then my first real life crush was a kid in, um, kindergarten. And I just remember being like, I want to be his friend and I want him to give me attention. And I want him to like, maybe kiss me or something.

Um, but he never did anything of the sort. Uh, it was an unrequited love. He was not interested in kissing. He was interested in playing in dirt. So that didn't work out. When did you lose your virginity?

I was older. I think I was 21. Because I was living in New York. So yeah, I think I was 21. How old were you? Seven years old. Seven? I'm just kidding.

Eric, I was like, I don't think that was losing your virginity i think that was called something else no it was to another seven-year-old and we made love we were we were married ever since oh no no um 16 in between the summer between 10th and 11th grade okay i feel like that's like a normal time for when people lose it. Yeah, it was a gal in my high school. She was like, hey, this is my number and you're calling me this weekend. And I was like, oh, yes, ma'am. And I didn't call her. And then the next week she was like, I told you to call me.

And I was like, oh, right away. I love this. She's a bully. Yeah. Being a bully has never worked for me, but it seems like it worked for her. Worked for her. I mean it seems like it worked for her. It worked for her. I had a mumbling. She gave it to me straight.

So, okay, your first time, do you remember being, like, nervous? Or were you like, oh, I know exactly what I'm doing? Pretty nervous because my mom was going to come home, and I wasn't allowed to have a girl over, and the door closed. So I had a girl over, and the door was closed, but my mom wasn't home yet. So I was trying to have sex as fast as possible. And it was the first time I'd ever been caught in one. So it's like, it's just weird.

Yeah, I did it. Everybody's story is like, I came in two seconds the first time I had sex. It was the opposite for me. I couldn't come because I was too nervous that my mom was going to come barking upstairs. What are you doing? I was like, oh, oh, oh. Then I had like a three disc CD player

playing Sublime and Ghostface Killa back to back with like long awkward pauses between each CD. Totally killing the mood. That's funny. I like that. I think a good memory and a funny first time a race against the clock yeah blind playing a bully being like come yeah come on come first time wearing a condom could feel my member condoms are you know good to wear but i'm always like you know guys are always like

it feels better without it does it guys are always like it feels better without it does it really does it like actually feel better without it yes that's so funny i've never asked anyone that question night and day really but it's so thin ain't nothing like the real thing you know it doesn't feel good uh Disease and unwanted pregnancy. That feels bad. Yeah, I don't want no diseases and I sure don't want a kid, which I think is the ultimate disease. It's a disease of the world.

Don't want one. Ew. They're hard to cure once they're out. No, there's no cure. No vaccine. No. Can I ask about AMA ask me anything okay before you got into comedy

you were in a band called Blarf and what made you want to get into music I was into music when I was five years old I played piano wait are you fluent in piano I was when I was little I didn't keep it up

piano and um tuba i played cello upright bass i went to college for uh i went to a jazz school for upright bass my degree is in jazz and what are the ladies like in a jazz school non-existent oh is it just a bunch of men playing the bass and shit? Women hate jazz. It was a 93% male student body population. Honestly, very funny. Women hate jazz. Women hate jazz music for the passion.

I don't really like jazz music. I don't get it. It's like a little too chaotic. It's nails on chalkboard for women. It's like women repel it. Yeah, I don't get it. It's like a little too chaotic. It's nails on chalkboard for women. It's like women repel it. Yeah, I don't get it. Women carry around pepper spray to defend themselves against men. Men should carry around like a jazz album to defend themselves against. God, that's funny. Hold on. We have to take a break. we're back okay so you that was fucking insane dude that was like jazz that was like that was like you were having a stroke. Oh, but I'm okay. So after you studied jazz and shit, what made you want to start doing it?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Ice cream's so good. What made you want to start doing comedy? I went to school in Boston. My band was playing at all these bars and open mics. And I would always see flyers for open mic comedy day at the same venue my band

was playing at. Same venue as my band was playing at. So I just did it on a whim. I was like class clown every year since Canada. So I just gave it a shot and I fell in love with it right away. Comedy is an interesting thing i think because when people who love it and are good at it when you finally do it you're like oh shit

i don't want to do anything else this is it it's kind of like what i assume uh hard hard drugs are where you're just kind of chasing that high all the time. Have you ever done hard drugs? I think the hardest thing I've done is like Percocet or Oxycontin. I would say that's pretty hard. No, no, no, no. Alcohol, have you ever had alcohol? I've had alcohol a couple of times. Alcohol's a hard drug. Is alcohol a hard drug?

My friend's a drug scientist. He says the only two drugs you won't do are alcohol and Oxycontin, as far as like tolling money. Alcohol's the only withdrawal drugs you won't do are alcohol and Oxycontin. As far as like tolling money. Alcohol is the only withdrawal you can die from. Oh, shit. That's actually wild. Yeah. There's been days where I've been real drunk, having a nice time.

And then the next day I'm like, oh, am I going to die? Yeah. I really feel like I'm going to die. So alcohol is an ethanol and your liver converts ethanol to this toxin called acetaldehyde. So it's like you're already drinking a toxin and then your liver converts it to an even worse toxin. And that's what the hangover comes from. And it's this cancerous toxin called acetaldehyde. It's really bad for you.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it's very cancerous. That's terrible. I wonder if I'll stop drinking from that. Well, it's one of the most dangerous drugs out of most drugs. I mean, it's not great. It's also wild that it's so, it's like legal, and you can get served up until you can't walk.

Yeah, well, the government doesn't care about your safety. The government cares about making money. So if they cared about your safety, you wouldn't be able to get AR-15s and bullets, pills, and bourbon at every Walmart. No, you're absolutely right. But it's weird that they won't just legalize and tax marijuana. Yeah, it's happening slowly.

But they tried to make alcohol illegal. They had a prohibition against it. Yeah, in the 1920s, right? Yeah, it was a disaster. So they tried. What's your favorite alcohol? I like rum. Oh alcohol? I like rum. Oh, I also like rum.

I like it specifically when I'm in like tropical locations. What'd you do yesterday? Yesterday? What'd you do for West India break yesterday? I did not go. I instead went to a game night. Oh, I did juve in like seven in the morning. I was fucking drenched in pain.

Ooh, that sounds like fun. It's around Crown Heights and Lethbridge Gardens. Jerking nutcrackers on shit. Ooh, and nutcrackers, nice. I like drinking those on the beach. That's why I'm selling them over today. Well, thank you for rallying and doing the podcast. Yeah, of course.

I'm going to take 90 days off drinking. 90 days. That's a good amount of time. I'll do like 30 days at a time. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Yeah. I like to take a month off. So I'm doing 90 days as a full liver reset. So I'm going to try it. Ooh. 90 days. So 30 days. Yeah, I'll do, remember September, I'll do sober October, Yeah, I'll do, remember September? I'll do sober October. And I'll do no drink November. And then Christmas rolls around and you can get fucked up for Santa.

That's right. I want to phase alcohol out of my life. I don't want to ever stop drinking entirely, but I want to dial it way back. I don't like it that it's the norm. I agree, because whenever I stop drinking, I'll go out to eat. And then I'll be like, what would you like to drink? And I'm like, a glass of rosé. And then I'll be like, what would you like to drink? And I'm like a glass of rosé and then I have to be like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm not drinking. And then I feel weird because I'm like, this server doesn't give a shit and doesn't need to know my business. Nobody cares. Anybody peer-preaching knew that peer pressure

lasts like two seconds. Nobody cares. Yeah. But still, I feel weird that I can't just be like, oh, water's fine. Do you know what I mean? Server definitely doesn't care. I mean, they'd like to make more money on drinks, but outside of that. Yeah. Ultimately, they're like, live your life, friend. I don't give a shit. Yeah. Did you see Beyonce when she was in New York?

No. I saw Beyonce a while ago in the Rose Bowl, but not recently. You missed out. It was very good. I donned my all silver and I went on Saturday. It was delightful. Wow. And I was sitting next to just a man who was there by himself. I couldn't tell what he was into.

I couldn't tell if he was gay or not, but he was alone at Beyonce. He was white. He had no rhythm and was dancing so hard. It was delightful to see um and then he kept going yeah yes and then when church girl came on he went take me to church he made me laugh so hard and then as soon as the concert was over he was gone because i wanted to talk to him after and be like how did you end up here alone but he faded away you should have followed him home i really should have he could have been my new husband i mean a man who goes to see beyonce alone that's i'm into that that sounds

nice but when you said take me to church i truly fell out it was very very fun. Take me to church. If you took video of him, you've got to post it or send it to me. I did it. I didn't take any videos of him. I didn't want to ruin his experience because he was having such a nice time. Eric, I have a question. Yeah. When you toured, you toured a lot, right?

You're not touring right now. I'm about to tour again, yeah. Oh, you are? Yeah, I'm taking up a tour in October, yeah. Well, in your touring heyday, did you ever run into chuckle fuckers? Oh, no, not really. I mean, my comedy is so loud and kind of gross and violent,

I don't think women are into it. Really? Yeah, my dad's predominantly men interesting that's so interesting to me because i feel like most male comedians have lots of ladies who throw themselves at them after shows and shit after my shows i am so tired i'm to be opposite of Molly group. I'm so tired. I am entrenched in sweat and exhausted. All I want to do is shower, put on

dry clothes, eat whatever decent place is still open, and go right to bed. And then I'm worried about getting to the next venue on time, sound checking, I want to listen to the recording of the previous night on the drive to the next venue.

Let's figure out what I can tweak. It's work. You know, for a band, it's different than a comedian. A band has already rehearsed those songs, put those songs out, and now they get to celebrate the album by playing it live. And they got all the songs and their set was locked in they kind of like thrown in it comedy the album comes out last you're like building a set building a set building a set building a set and then once you record

those jokes they're done forever it's like you put out the album with the special and those jokes are done forever so it's like the opposite. You don't get to enjoy the road like a musician because you're, you're writing, you're writing from the world. The road is a lot more work. But on top of that, I was so awesome.

Sure. Mm hmm. I also am tired after shows and sometimes people will be like, come out. And I'm like, I'm so tired after the show. Mm-hmm. I also am tired after shows, and sometimes people will be like, come out! And I'm like, no. And then sometimes I'll be like, okay. In Nashville, I'll always go out. Nashville's fun to go out in. Yeah, I mean, like, there's weekends going to the tour, and then, like, sometimes I'll go out, but I'm like...

So I get sick a lot on tour. Like, if I start drinking and slip, I just need some water. Mm-hmm. Then I'm like, shit. Yeah, and be on planes and stuff. Yeah, I'm such a fuddy-duddy. A fuddy-duddy. Where did the idea for the Eric Andre show come about?

I was broke. I couldn't look at an audition to save my life. I had this idea of all this jambalaya of all my influences swirling around my head i wanted to do it like a an arctic talk show i loved like all the mock talk shows like ali g show and tom greece show and jimmy click and i love the pace the editing pace of wonder shows them so i wanted to like combine all that uh all my influences into one talk show. And I filmed a dummy version of it, a proof of concept, when I was, whatever, 26. And I got it into the hands of Mike Lazo, who I built so many love.

They had a hat as our choice in Space Ghost, so it was like a boy for it. So it just all worked out. That's nice. Yeah. That's a nice story. Yeah. You came up with up with it you said i want to do it yeah they said we got space for it that's it do it that's it it's a really funny show it's like absolutely chaotic and really fun to watch and a lot of times i'm just like how how did you come up with that lots of coffee lots of coffee tons of caffeine that makes sense caffeine will get you anywhere yeah so will cocaine yeah i don't know

what that look i don't know if it will get you anywhere we'll get you everywhere i don't know if it will get you if you aren't everywhere but it'll get you somewhere cocaine will get you you've never heard that before cocaine will get you everywhere. You've never heard that before? Cocaine will get you everywhere. I did not know that. Maybe I'm missing out. I don't know if you're actually missing out. Cocaine is just fine. Eric, my listeners, they sometimes submit questions seeking advice.

And I'm going to read to you some questions and we're going to try to help people. Great. Okay. Lisa says, when I see an ex when I'm out, I'll cross the street, leave wherever I am, do my best to actively avoid them, et cetera. I don't want to interact with them at all, and I don't care how they're doing. Even exes from years and years and years ago, like a guy I dated in high school.

I don't think about exes often, but when it comes up, I have strong feelings of anger, repulsion, and hate. What do you think's up with that? How do i get over it do i really hate myself well it depends on how those people were and if how those relationships ended if those people were really like marriage toxic or the relationship ended in a toxic way then you have a strong case to like avoid that and jump over plus it's just awkward maybe you just want to avoid awkward

awkwardness and that silly dance but i don't know there's kind of not enough information to totally if it's just like no matter whether the relationship ended on a sweeter softer side or a more uh toxic side and no matter what they're having that reaction then i don't know maybe that's something to look at i wouldn't worry too much about it because it's not like you're constantly running into exes and it is it is awkward running into exes you don't know what to you don't know what to say so i don't blame this person for having that reaction but like are all the has she only been in nightmare relationships or the are these people kind of fine and she's overreacting i don't know i don't know that's a therapy session or two or three that that might be a therapy session i think it's fine to have

strong feelings of anger repulsion and hate especially if it's like they ended it or like you were saying it's toxic or whatever um i'm all about only having a nice time and leaving when you're not having a nice time and if you don't think you're gonna have a nice time when you're out seeing your ex then yeah fucking leave get out of there yeah get the fuck out of it who cares yeah if i see i haven't done that with an ex but i've done it with like um if this wasn't a romantic ex this was like an ex business partner i went to my uh i went to like a food event and saw him out of the corner of my eye right back to my car and left just because i'll do that yeah that was it's like not worth making like this fake small talk with him like hey how you been it's like that come on so i didn't feel like doing that and i just got out of the situation i don't care how you've been yeah i

don't care how you've been yeah i don't care how you've been i don't you know i don't want to be in the same room with you so like you were really made my life a living hell and uh i have to go so really made my life a living hell and uh i have to go so yeah i i'm a very big proponent i don't know i i uh i'm a very big advocate of just fucking leaving if somebody's making you uncomfortable that you don't want to see just fucking get out of there yeah yeah i agree real quick we gotta take a break. Eric, I have a question. When do you know that you're in love? I think you know that you're in love when... It's such a great question.

I mean, love is a neurochemical con job, so it's hard to say. But I think, you know, when you're in love, when you're – I think it's more of a feeling. I don't think it's a right brain. I don't think it's like an academic thing. I think it's like a left-right thing. I think it's like you guys can not just finish each other's sentences, finish each other's jokes. If you guys can just laugh together and finish each other's jokes and it's just it's just going and it's just you're on the same wavelength and there's an ease to it so there's gonna be bumps in the road but i think if you guys are just dancing the same dance and it feels like

um kindred spirit kind of shit then I'd say that's pretty damn fucking special. That does sound nice. Yeah. I'm always worried about like when you ask somebody like, hey, do you only want to date me? Because I've asked a couple people that and it hasn't gone well. So I never know.

Maybe you're asking prematurely or what? Maybe. I usually wait like three or four months. And that feels long enough. Yeah, I don't know. It takes a while to get to know somebody. Maybe you're phrasing it in a weird way. Maybe you could just be like, hey, I want to know what we're doing.

Do you want to be exclusive or not yet? Or something like that. Maybe. I usually just go, hey, are you seeing anybody else? Because if you are, do you want to not do that anymore? Yeah, maybe I got to change my tactic. Yeah, I don't know. It depends on how long you're willing to live in that ambiguous space before it's a committed monogamous relationship.

I'd say like three or four months as long as I ever want to live in ambiguity. Can you compromise and live even longer until they're ready to pass the rose to you? Oh, man. I guess. You got to compromise in relationships, right? You are right. And I guess men, I do date predominantly men, but also I'm open to whatever.

I guess men do like to chase. So I guess I should let men chase me. Do you like to chase? I think everybody likes some element of the chase because it gives them like a bit of excitement, but I'm wondering like, are you talking about the chase or are you talking about how long you feel comfortable being in this in-between space where it's not,

you're dating, but dating for a while and it's, you want to, you want to lock it down i guess i feel like part of the chase is them locking it down and i never let them lock it down i'm always like hey why don't you let them like yeah why don't you switch it up why don't you try to let them lock it down and let them take the lead and just live in that ambiguity maybe i'll try that what are you what are you what what are you craving monogamy

sexual exclusivity that's the thing monogamy sounds delightful to me I think if I'm with someone for a while I could be open but I just gotta be a little secure with things just for a little bit you wanna build the trust

yes do you feel like these guys feel like they're being rushed into a monogamous decision maybe maybe i am rushing people maybe i am like hey let's figure this out maybe three months isn't long enough three months isn't that long like like you got to get to know it takes takes a while to get to know somebody i guess you're right but six months sounds so long that's not though i mean. I mean, it's September already. Wasn't it just January? It does feel like it was just January.

You know? And now it is. It's September 5th. I think it needs to take as long as the time that it needs to take. I don't know if it's three months or six months. I don't think there's an exact number to it, but I think you have to. It's good to communicate. It's good to communicate your needs, but, uh, you don't want to push the other person

away. Yeah. It's tough. I don't know. It's case by case. It is tough. And I've learned that I have an anxious attachment style, which is fun. Yeah.

Cause I have abandonment issues. So I get anxious about people going away yeah so i try to keep them close to me and that drives them away it's fun yeah i wouldn't be yourself up about that stuff too much so everybody has that kind of stuff i think no who has like a perfect attachment so you know what i mean i would like it's good that you're conscious of that um but uh don't rush things and try to uh i don't know try to see how long you can go before you you can check in there's nothing wrong with communicating checking in but but i don't think people like ultimatums i think like your partner wants to come to

their decision without feeling like they're pressured into coming to their decision but also off the bat why don't you when you first start dating them maybe you should start dating older people I don't know if you date older men or you date people your age or younger

but go older if you're looking for long term monog, because you're not going to find it from somebody in their 20s or even 30s. Oh, I can't date someone in their... You don't think I can find monogamy with someone in their 30s? You can, but I think it's just harder. I think men in their 40s or 50s are going to be more into the idea of monogamy than a guy in his 30s.

50s? Old balls! I guess I'm not far off from being 50, I guess. I guess I could date someone in their 50s. It just sounds so weird. Well, I'm not saying that that's the answer. If it feels weird, don't do it. But you would get somebody, a guy in his 40s or 50s

is going to be more into monogamy than a guy in his 20s and 30s. I think. I think you might be right. From how I felt in those decades and how my male friends behave in those decades, that's what I've come to. Okay. I guess I'll expand the range to 50. I could date a 50-year-old. If it repulses you, don't do it.

It doesn't repulse me. I just, to me, someone who's 50 seems like someone who's like a real adult. And half the time, I don't feel like a real adult. I feel like I'm cosplaying an adult. I get that. I feel like a child a lot of the time where I'm like, I don't know. What am I doing? Spending my money on stupid stuff? Why not? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. that. I feel like a child a lot of the time where I'm like, I don't know. What am I doing?

Spending my money on stupid stuff? Why not? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Here's another question, Eric. Okay. Quick question. My boyfriend of almost three years sucks at telling his feelings until he's reached a breaking point. Then just lays it all out. He says he's tried over 10 therapists when he was younger and hated them and he couldn't do it. So now he hates therapy and won't try it again. Any advice on how to get this dumb ass to therapy? It's hard to force people to therapy if they're stubborn. I don't know. It's like next to impossible. You could continue to bring it up to them as like, hey, you should try this, but it has to come from within them.

I agree. Uh, the only thing I can really think of that might help is like, if you suggest couples therapy, uh, so you could do like sessions, you have like a shared language to talk about like shit that's wrong. And then maybe that therapist will be like,

Hey, maybe you should get into individual therapy and here's our wrong. And then maybe that therapist will be like, hey, maybe you should get into individual therapy and here's a recommendation. And then, you know, you can't force them, but maybe someone else saying it would be helpful. Yep. I agree with that. Eric, what advice do you have for me

other than dating a little older? And then, okay, so your advice so far is to wait a little bit get to know people more before trying to lock them down let them try to lock me down and date somebody older what else you got i'd start there uh maybe check in with their check in earlier on to see if they're going to be the type of person that has um common interest if one of your interests is monogamy i think you can um sniff that out maybe earlier rather than later so you're not setting yourself up for arctic you know i would i would start there do you think i

should just ask like straight up like are you into monogamy? What are you into? Maybe not in such a direct way that it's going to be like, whoa, where are we going? But I think so. I think so. I've asked a gal on a first date, hey, do you want kids? And it's not to me. I'm not like, I never fit. Maybe that's a dumb thing to say. Maybe I'm not the person to give advice on this kind of stuff.

But I didn't say it out of like, I want kids. Hey, do you want kids? Or we're not having a second date. I meant it more like a philosophical like conundrum. Cause it is like you, like, it's more like chit chat that I would have with anybody, not just somebody I'm sitting across the dinner table with. Like, cause I find that interesting.

I find people's answers interesting. So you could like you could pose it like that where it's like more of a philosophical question um about their point of view and their worldview and less about like about you and them directly i think that's good because yeah usually kids come up for like i don't know second third date maybe a first date uh because i don't want them so i like to let people know up front that it's super important to them i think it's the same thing your time i think it's the same thing i think it's like up front you're like monogamy's rad i love it i love

building a trust with somebody and to do that i need sexual exclusivity what do you think not that don't say it like that but i need sexual exclusivity. And what are your thoughts on it, sir? You know, I don't know. Just check in with them so that you're not setting yourself up for heartache later. I think that's smart. Can I ask you a question? Okay. Do you remember your like very first girlfriend? Yeah. She was Jamaican, Roxanne. Oh oh did you meet her in high school or was this after high school yeah this is in ninth grade she asked me out through a note and then two weeks later well she broke up with me through a note oh damn and she asked me back out through a note and i was like did you go back out with her no i was like um no, fuck you. You don't meet through a note, I'm not going back out with you.

I do like her. I like her. She's got a whole system. She's very pretty and she's very sweet. I'll ask you out through a note. I'll break up with you through a note. Do you want to get married? Is that too personal of a question?

No, it's not too personal. Yeah, I think so. Marriage is like not the big decision though i think big decision as kids i think like you know having a girlfriend it's phase one moving in with your girlfriend is phase two whether you're married or not i don't think it's a big you know if you want to have a celebration to sell it if you want to have a celebration for your friends of friends and family you know celebrating your, I think that's super fun. But I would probably, like, do that, like, last almost after, like, after we have kids.

Mm-hmm. I used to think a wedding was, like, the most important. And I guess up until, like, maybe five or six years ago, I was like, oh, definitely. I definitely fucking want a wedding. Ooh-wee. Invite all my friends, wear a big, dumb dress. And dress and now i'm just like why i don't need it as long as i like love this person they love me and like we're cool i don't i don't need yeah it's a waste of money it's a waste of money unless you have like a big chunk of money burning your burning

a hole in your pocket like it's expensive no and if i had a big chunk of money burning a hole in your pocket? It's expensive. If I had a big chunk of money burning a hole in my pocket, I'm buying a yacht, baby. Put the money towards your house, your kids. There's better ways to spend money. Or a yacht. Or a yacht. But I understand wanting to do it. Sounds fun. I like weddings. Weddings are fun.

Weddings are fun. I like going to them. I like getting a present for somebody. I like looking at their registry to weddings are fun i like going to them i like getting a present for somebody i like looking at their registry to be like what's going to be in your house uh but for me i don't think it's that important i i just like want to live like a nice low-key life with someone who loves me and i'm important to them and they're important to me and i'm their favorite person and they're my favorite person and we see into the sunset that's all i want i think you can find that i think that's very doable thank you i appreciate that do you me and I'm their favorite person and they're my favorite person and we tee into the sunset. That's all I want. I think you can find that.

I think that's very doable. Thank you. I appreciate that. Do you have any other advice for me or listeners who are single looking for somebody? No, I think love yourself. Love yourself first so that you're ready to receive love to as much therapy as you can to be able to love yourself and uh do what you love and the love will come and um yeah you try to lean on your friends to set you up do they do all the apps um travel put yourself out there.

You're not going to find a boyfriend or girlfriend sitting in your room staring at your computer. So get out there, do something active whenever you can. Be social. Yeah, take the pressure off yourself whenever you can. Just live in the present moment. I think that's nice, good advice. Just live in the present moment, babe. that's nice. Good advice. Just live in the present moment, babe.

Eric, thank you so much for doing this. Do you want to promote? Yeah. I got a new podcast called bombing. It's out on a big money players. I heard radio and it's on Apple podcasts and I don't know, Spotify, brother.

And then, uh, October 3rd, I kick off in Kansas city, but I'm also in Milwaukee, Chicago, Dallas, know, Spotify, probably. And then October 3rd, I kick off in Kansas City, but I'm also in Milwaukee, Chicago, Dallas, Houston, Detroit, Philadelphia, New York, and more before concluding in Oakland, California, December 16th. I'm going to be just destroying venues all across.

All across America. That should be fun. And where can people go? Do you have a website? ericandretour.com Ooh, hell yeah. Ooh,

yeah. Thank you again for being here. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars

on iTunes or whatever, Apple Podcasts, I don't know, Spotify. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywon'tyoudatemepod, no, what is it? whywon'tyoudatemepod Podcast at gmail.com. I will read it out loud. This person

said, I can't wait to see your show next month. And I have a proposal to enrich your trip. A next morning smash session with breakfast included. Oh, nom, nom, nom. I'll ram you with a massive strap on as I torture your clit with a Theragun until your juices get so creamy and frothy. Ew. Ew. That I can scoop them out of a bowl. Then I'll tease and tickle your butthole till you snart, sneeze, fart, and release a bunch of dingleberries for me to add to the cream. Ew. And to top it all off, I'll swoop on in with my big old mouth to pleasure you until you squirt. Then hold the bowl up to catch all that sweet topping. Bon appetit. That one was nasty. Okay. Bye-bye. Wow. That was incredible.

Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.