Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Cancelled (w/ Kathy Griffin)

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

Comedy icon Kathy Griffin sits down with Nicole to tackle the burning question: Is she still cancelled? She discusses her relationship with her tour manager, who supported her through a tumultuous five-year period marked by FBI investigations and a struggle with pill addiction. Kathy shares stories of her past relationships, including dating Quentin Tarantino, lying about her age to date Joey from NSYNC, and sleeping around with her students at the Groundlings. Plus, get the scoop on what it was like living next door to celebrities Kim and Kanye. Is Kanye as weird to talk to in person? The answer will not shock you. Get tickets to Kathy's upcoming tour at kathygriffin.com/tour. Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single. Listen, I've done too many episodes. There's no reason we don't know.

So now I'm just talking to people that I admire about love. And my guest today, ooh, I'm so excited, is a legendary Grammy and Emmy Award winning comedian and actor. a legendary Grammy and Emmy award-winning comedian and actor. Ooh, she made history as the first female comedian to top Billboard's comedy album chart and is recognized by Guinness World Records for having the most standup specials recorded. And now she's embarking on a comeback tour and it's called My Life on the PTSD List. And it's her first tour in six years. I'm so thrilled today. It's Kathy Griffin. Oh my God, Nicole, this is finally happening. Finally. I'm so excited. I am a very big fan of yours. My life on the D-list was truly iconic. And I feel like I follow in your footsteps. No straight men come to my shows. No. Just the gays. It's not that we don't want the straights. It's

that they don't get us. They sure don't. And by the way, my husband admitted this because he goes, if I was with like, let's say three of my bros and they're on like a bro text chain where they talk sports all day. And he goes, if we were going to go see a comedy show, I'll be honest. It probably wouldn't occur to us to see a woman. Like we'd probably go see like Dave Chappelle or Chris Rock. And so part of a part of my mission is like, how do we get rid of that stigma where you think of a female comedy show as equal to a man's? Yeah, I don't know, but it would be nice. It would be so nice if men were like, oh, I'd see a lady. That's nice.

Yeah, as long as you're laughing. Yeah, as long as it's funny and you're laughing, you're having a good time. Why not? Okay, Kathy, how long have you been married to your husband? All right, so get this. First of all, here's the background. Okay, Kathy, how long have you been married to your husband? All right, so get this. First of all, here's the background. He's 18 years younger than I am.

Ooh, I love that. Take it in, take it in. And he's also my tour manager. Okay. So we've been together 13 years, but we've only been married three because I just didn't think I would want to get married again. And so after a while, it was kind of like, well, why not? But the term manager thing came about because he used to work at the Los Angeles Times. And I was on the road all the time. You know how it is.

And so it was like a long distance relationship. And then after a year, I poached him from the LA Times. And I said, I think you would be a kick-ass tour manager. And then I made my friend. Are you ready for a name drop? Uh-huh. Suzy Orman from the Suzy Orman show. Girlfriend.

Yes. And she's the one who tells you to spend your money correctly, right? Well, yes. Or if you don't have it, don't spend it. So anyway, she actually did the job interview and she was like, I think you can do it. So we've been together a long time and we work together. We travel together and we're married now. And so it's a lot of together, but I like it. What do you think? I think I like it. I do feel like sometimes relationships and work get a little funky. Yeah. But like, but if you guys like being together, it seems like an

ideal situation. No, it is. But also, especially if you're a cheap comic, I mean, you know this, like, I don't know if you'll admit it, but i certainly will um so many of the dude comics that i know that are my generation legit like have a freaking spotter right and then they pick out a girl who's gonna blow up or whatever and then maybe they'll marry one of them and you know when you're a girl comic you can't you can't pick out like a lady or a gay guy to come back to your hotel room and service you sexually. Yeah. So it's not like a girl comic is going to go on the road and also be dating in the way that the guys do. So this kind of misarrangement works for us, but I will say it is a big challenge working together and being together a lot.

That is a challenge. Do you guys fight often? No, we fight. We fight sometimes. But we always try to get it together for showtime because the good news is when I'm on the road, and this is a 40-city tour, the My Life on the PTSD List tour. And so it's a lot. It's a lot of cities.

And so sometimes I fly private. Sometimes I fly commercial. and sometimes we drive. And what makes it fun is he's a foodie. And so he'll hook up on like eater or Yelp, like the mom and pop places. And where am I going? Like Tarrytown, New York, Kansas city, Omaha, you know, like, so that's part of the fun. So if we're having a fight, we'll try to reconcile over a good home cooked meal. Ah, that's nice. I feel like that's like, I don't know, like a cute way to get over

being angry. It's like, I can't really be angry. We're at a delicious restaurant. Just restaurant. All right. So what is your current status, relationship status? She's single. How single? Like, are you dating? Are you? I am very, very, very, very single. Okay. I was just out with a friend last night and she changed all of the pictures on my dating profiles because she was like this isn't good and I was like okay um I've been swiping nobody's been matching with me I've been sending roses on hinge and nobody is accepting them I don't know so I'm very very very single then this is appalling to me who is not swiping back or whatever? That is, I know. It's awful. Have you ever been on dating apps? No, I'm too famous. No, I'm too. No, they were before my time. Funny, in my day, it was called Great Expectations. And it was a

questionnaire that came in the mail. I'm not kidding it was like a seven page psyche bell and then you would mail it back to great expectations and they would have somebody like actually comparing questionnaires so I'm I've never even been on a deity app I've seen a couple what are the ones that you go on so I'm on hinge raya i don't really go on ok cupid anymore and tinder okay those are my main ones i also know about the apps a little bit because i still watch catfish don't judge but i'm still taken in by catfish because even with the dating apps they get catfish because when that show started it was like people doing like vlogs to each other but um yes the one i hear about on catfish is plenty of fish yeah i'm not

on plenty of fish uh i don't think i've ever been on it i don't like the name of it yeah you know i think it's like kind of gross that's why i asked i thought i thought it was an interesting name for a dating app. Yeah, not too into it. I love catfish. I think it's great. I like that people, I mean, I don't love that people are still being catfished here in the year of 2023, but I'm like, how? How are you being catfished if this person won't talk to you? What about when they're engaged?

That's insane to me. It literally makes no sense. It's like, you've never heard this person talk. You've sent them money. You've never seen them in action, but you're going to get married. What are we doing? And they, they always go like, this is the greatest love I've ever experienced. No one gets me like this person we have the most deep conversations and half the time it's like somebody's like lesbian cousin or something somebody didn't met one time at a bake sale draws me in what do you like about the show i think i really just love how like how invested the people are who are like looking for the person and they're like

I told them things I've never told anyone this is different than anything I've ever experienced and then they're huge I don't want to like say everyone but everyone more or less is like in just like the dirt of the midwest yeah and they ride tractors and like this romance is the most exciting thing. And then they like go to the shack. And then there's a person who is definitely the opposite of what they thought they were talking about. Yeah. I just,

I love it. And I love how everyone is shocked every time where I'm like, it's the same thing. Yeah. Same thing every episode. And I love it. Me too. And then sometimes it turns into like a horror movie where which project where Niamh is walking

up to the house and then the screen door like slams and you don't you hear like a muffled voice and then you hear Niamh going, is it cool if I come inside? And then they got a commercial. But no, there's no good dating tips to gather from catfish not nary a one i um i was watching i think i saw this on instagram there was this woman who is in love and married to a ferris wheel sorry come again she's married to a ferris wheel and she was in a relationship with a locomotive for a while and it didn't work out i was like did it have to go places but she is now she climbs on top of uh the ferris wheel and she her lover her lover

and she says that it's not intimate and there's different ways for them to have intimacy and she has dinner with parts of this ferris wheel and And I was like, maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll fall in love with an object that can't leave me. What about a tilt-a-whirl? Maybe. I just don't know how I would get access. Don't limit yourself. How would I get access to a tilt-a-whirl?

You have to first blow a carny. You have to find a carny. And I don't even know if they still exist. And then you have to give him sexual favors. And then he even know if they still exist and then you have to give him sexual favors and then he's going to give you the keys to the kingdom if you will maybe i will do that maybe i'll go to a carnival and be like listen i'll blow you if you give me access to the world or ferris wheel you know they can't go anywhere no i don't know kathy it's getting tough in these streets have you ever had like a period of time where you were just like so fucking single yes

and everything seems magnified like when i'm doing stand-up on the weekends i start to resent it because i'm like you know what i should be on a date with my boyfriend. It's Saturday night. What am I doing? I'm everyone else's date. And by that, I mean two gay guys, obviously. Yeah. And then you see, it seems like you see more couples walking down the street holding hands.

You're walking to like go use supportive potty. And then some guy drops to his knees and proposes. Like, you can't get away from it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I was on a helicopter ride. This is years ago with my friend. And it was just like going around Vegas and someone proposed to somebody else in the helicopter. And I was like, you can't do this. We're in a small little vestibule or whatever. Rude.

This is mean. This is just adding to me feeling so fucking single. I don't know. I truly don't know what to do right now. I'm like, I've asked so many people to like set me up with people and they're like, all of my friends are trash. And I'm like, okay. Yeah, I'll try one.

All right. Look, I want you to explain to your listeners the difference between like, or like how when you're a girl comic, it's so hard to date because you're working in the sort of prime dating times. Right. So I can't even say, do you want dinner Friday or Saturday night? And it's probably Thursdays and Sundays, you know? And how, like, girl, like, I don't know how I would even go about trying to meet a guy in the audience, even if I did have straight guys.

Like, how would you even do it? I mean, it is hard. And I usually ask, I ask all male comics or like male people who tour whatever I'm like do you have chuckle fuckers and they're always like yes and every lady comic I have talked to has been like no and non-binary people are like no not really

we just don't get them and I don't know why straight men don't find women funny they're like oh she thinks I'm funny so she's got a good sense of humor. Yeah. Truly, the only way I have ever hooked up with anyone at a show is by going, is there anyone straight here? And if I hear, woo, I go, OK, are you single?

They're like, no. Or they're like, yes. And I'm like, OK. And in Houston, I fucked one guy. like yes and i'm like okay and in houston i fucked one guy and then when i was in tacoma i ended up like bringing him to my hotel room but i was like i think you're gay what are you doing here and that wasn't fun that was trying to pass he was did you have intercourse no we made out it wasn't good and he had these like gray contacts in. And I was like, you're from the 2000s.

You're a time traveler. And you are very, very gay. And then I knew his first and last name. I can't remember why, but I sent it to a friend after he left the room. And she did some investigative journalism. She found his Instagram. And then she sent me a picture of him at a pride parade and i was like well yeah he's okay okay he's very gay and it's

like sure maybe he could be bi but i was like he wasn't giving me the bi no he wasn't by that night he was still just gay yeah very gay and not into it i think he just wanted a story. And I'm like, I'm down to have a story. But you know, not this kind of story. No, not that story. No, no, no, no. But but it was that Houston or is Houston the straight guy? Houston's the straight guy. And did you then want to after or did you really just want a one and done? I just wanted a one and done. I I don't know, for whatever reason, a long distance relationship, like where you're in a different state seems too much because I am in L.A. a lot. So I'm like I'm gone a lot. So it is kind of like a long distance relationship. But like this person

lives at my home base. So that seems better than someone who lives in Nebraska, where I'm like, okay, I'm home for a couple days now. I have to go to Nebraska to go see this person and then go back on tour. Oh, Kathy, that seems terrible. No, I know. And by the way, I'm glad you mentioned Nebraska because I'm so smart. I'm playing Omaha in February where I will freeze my balls off, my nipples roll down onto the curb. But I'm glad to be back on tour and uncanceled. Do you think I'm uncanceled? Serious question. I think you're uncanceled. I what makes you think that what makes you think that? I feel like I haven't heard Fox News talk about you recently or anything like that. Also, your cancellation was kind of dumb.

I was like, people have done a lot of other... I just don't understand why it was so terrible. A picture! I mean, I wonder why people were so upset about it. Well, I know the Trump machine really went into action and they put a lot of effort into turning it into a meme and getting it to like Iran, Russia, China within 12 hours. So they they painted me as a terrorist. And then they put me on the no fly list. And I was interrogated under oath because for two months I was being investigated by the U.S. Attorney's Office and the Secret Service and they were very seriously

considering charging me with conspiracy to assassinate the President of the United States. Oh my god. I filed a Freedom of Information Act and I have the paperwork to prove it. Jesus. It was nuts. That's wild. Wait, how did you find out you were put on the no fly list? They told me, they tell you like when you're in trouble, they also kept trying to get me to go downtown LA and do a perp walk, which I know came directly from like Trump or Don Jr. or something. But I didn't have anything like they wanted to talk to me. So it cost me a fortune of lawyer fees to just negotiate where two months later I could go into an office and be interrogated under oath, but I wouldn't have to do a perp walk and go downtown.

What's a perp walk? A perpetrator. Like somebody walking in like an orange jumpsuit with handcuffs on, like walking in. They wanted like that footage to have a read. And so they would call my lawyers almost daily saying, well, she come in downtown. We want to get her downtown LA down like LAPD. And yet investigated by the Department of Justice, not local police. It was it was freaking crazy. It was unprecedented and nuts and should not happen

to a cop. No, it really shouldn't. And then how long did that take to, like, get all cleared up? Two months. Oh, my God. The Trumpers are like still mad at me. Like I've had four lawsuits from MAGA people and they referenced Donald Trump in the lawsuits. Like if they don't like something I tweeted, they'll sue me for defamation. And I have one case pending in federal court in Tennessee. I've had two cases in Kentucky and one in LA Superior Court. So it's like this ongoing thing that's just insanity. Like if you even tried to explain it and people would think you're kidding. Yeah, that's truly wild. Like if you even tried to explain it and people would think you're kidding. Yeah, that's truly wild. Do you talk about that in your standup or no? I do now because I also like since I've been canceled, I also like got addicted to prescription

pills and tried to kill myself. And then, oh, and I was on a 5150 in the hospital like Britney. Oh no. What is that like? What does that entail? Nicole. Okay. So first of all, I didn't know that I was on lockdown because I was like fucked up on pills.

I'm sober now. But I didn't know like, like there was a, there was a lady at the foot of the bed. Right. And the room was really cold, which was good because I was trying to sleep. Pills is not fun. And I kept telling her like, you can go. I'm fine. I'm just going to sleep. I didn't know that I was on like suicide watch. And I also didn't know that they locked the door from the outside. So I was like, I wouldn't just go down the hall and go to the bathroom. And then I'm like, oh, this is weird. I can't get out. Like, I didn't even know I was in the not I was in the psych ward. Oh, my God. When did you realize you were in the psych ward?

Like day like the night of day one. Ah, and then you know what I was fixated on this. And by the way, like, I did I was thinking I could like call downstairs like it was a hotel to the concierge. I was on my back back and on the sprinkler there was this like dangling dust bunny and i remember thinking like oh i've got to tell the concierge about this funny this is unacceptable and then i got sober and then get this shit a year later i got freaking cancer so this is why my voice is like a little high pitched. So I have picked out half my left lung. Oh my God.

This is wild. I have half a lung. That's wild. So wait. Don't it look like you know a lot of people with half a lung because you don't? I don't. Can you run? Does it affect like fitness?

I do that every day because I'm always building my capacity. And so I'm like this 90 minute walk almost every day. Oh, OK. That's honestly pretty smart. Real quick, we got to take a break. So wait. So in 2017, that's when the federal investigation started. And then did the pill addiction come from that?

Kind of, because, you know, I was in the middle of a 50 city tour and then the picture went viral and I got fired from New Year's Eve CNN and everybody was like issue statements about me. shoot statements about me. And then the other 25 cities I was supposed to go on all got bomb threats from Trump burgers, which I later found out were robocalls, but I don't blame the theater. So my entire tour, well, the second half of it was canceled within 72 hours of the photo.

So then I was just out of work. And Nicole, let me tell you, the phone did not ring for five years fuck fuck me up the ass with a pole because i'm a touring beast like if nothing else not on tv i you know how it is i'm touring and i just want to make people laugh and then five years so i just started taking a shit ton of pills. God damn that's wild. Five years is a long time. I know without working it sucked. Yeah and I feel like men are the ones who talk a lot about getting canceled but I'm like but men don't seem to stay canceled. There's no repercussions. They kind of talk about it but they're not really canceled and then half

of these guys like the one that kills me is i didn't even know about this but louis ck was actually supposed to do a show in kiev ukraine the night before the invasion by the russians and i thought oh my god he's not canceled i can't play keith like he was doing a show in ukraine yeah so guys that get canceled they can make careers like in other places on the planet and stuff yeah but women they i think they are the ones who really get canceled like paula dean disappeared and yeah i mean she was just a little racist she's just a little bitch just a little apologize you know she she just wants to serve people butter you know um i feel like why not a writer she shoplifted and then she didn't work for forever you know i just i really think women when they do something wrong people are like oh my god

burn them at the stake it's so fucking wild it is very salem witch trials yeah so for five years what did you do to like survive yeah it was well first of all so i got diagnosed with ptsd now don't laugh because i thought it was only for like combat veterans same yes and so i my oncologist told me and my shrink told me and they told me, um, uh, I don't know. Let's see. Not, not, yeah. My unconscious shrink and I made it one other doctor and I kept just like poo pooing it. But then get this. I went through this 10 month period where all I did was vomit. it. And Nicole, at this point in my life, I was so sick. Everything made me so anxious. I would just vomit. And I was going to the ER all the time, getting infusions of like saline because I was always hydrated. And so after that, I said, okay, I guess I have PTSD. And, you know, from all the culmination of the canceled and the pills and the suicide attempt and the cancer and the losing my voice and shit. And so I found a guy that wrote books on PTSD and he's a good doctor.

And I have a team. I actually have a caseworker and I have like a team of people trying to keep me from losing my shit. That's great. I mean, I feel like more people should have a team of people to help them. People. I'm telling you you i've got the breath work lady and we work together because i guess know how to do and i have kundalini yoga and i don't even know what that is but i do it you don't need to know what it is if it's helpful exactly i didn't bomb it that, so I'm doing it. And I go to Pilates. Mm-hmm. That's, they told me to. And pretty much whatever they told me to do, I do. Because that 10 months was, teared the fuck out of me. I could barely get out of bed. Yeah, that shit's wild. I feel like you've been through a lot in the last couple of years. Yeah. But I, so getting back to the topic at hand,

my husband has been like a champ. And let me tell you, the thing that got me out of like my suicidal ideation is when the doctor said the effects it has on your survivors is so awful. And that's the thing that got me to click out of the pill is I thought, yeah, that's a horrible thing to do to someone like to be their surviving spouse or friend or whatever. So he's been great. But I realize I've asked a lot of him and he's stood by me. But I feel like that's such a big one in relationships like the better for better or worse. Really, that shit really happens. Sometimes it really

does get worse yeah and i think that would be so nice to have someone in my life who like i knew i could like depend on through thick through thin and good the bad um yeah that sounds that sounds nice it is but no we fight sometimes and it is hard being together a lot and work stuff in the relationship stuff. And, you know, it's like I said, the Trump thing has wide tentacles. I have these legal cases. Nobody in my family talks to me except my brother. Oh, all right. I have a question for you. Do you have anybody in your extended family, MAGA people? I have one. What?

Tell me. I have an uncle. Tell me, tell me. When Trump was first elected, he like would just, we were like having Thanksgiving dinner and he was just chanting Trump in the basement. And I was like, you know, this is lovely

to be a black family with one Trump supporter in it. I was like, we truly we must be the minority. Like, I don't know how many black families have Trump supporters in them. Did you guys talk about stuff or just avoid it? I will talk about it. But like my family will they very much avoid it with him. And I'm always like, tell me, what has he done? What's so wonderful about him? Tell me. What does he say? What does he say?

Oh, just a lot of bullshit. Yeah. Just like none of it makes any sense. It's just like regurgitation from like Fox News and. Right, right. And all those other people. But yeah, it's always fun to go home for Thanksgiving and see what he's into now. Oh, yeah. All right, so what if you're on the apps? And is there a way that you could ever accidentally get a Trumper? Do you put your political meanings on there? I don't.

I just, I don't. I just, I don't, I don't know. I, I feel like you can kind of suss out somebody's political beliefs. Like how? What questions? I think vibes. Like, I really do think like liberal people have a different vibe than conservative people. different vibe than conservative people. I've only been out with one conservative person and he lived in North Hollywood. And at one point he was like, I don't know, I think Trump's a pretty good business guy. And I was like, well, I don't know how you could think that all of his businesses have failed. And it's just like, like feelings aside, the fact is he's not a very good business person. And I was like what what if we just don't talk about that because it was all the way in north hollywood far away from my

house yeah i was like i don't want to i don't want to like ruin sexy time if it might happen by being like i think you're an idiot yeah but yeah that was that's like the only person wait wait did it happen or not oh yeah we fucked and it was not great he had a mattress on the floor a red light and an iguana and i was like yeah i've totally fucked that guy a lot of red flags but you know it was it was it was okay it wasn't like the worst you know what i mean yeah yeah it's not a lingering problem it's over yeah so wait when you were at the groundlings yeah did you like hook up with different groundling members was that like because like i did improv or still do improv for a while it was very incestuous when i was like in my 20s it's super and when i was at

the groundlings it was very incestuous but here's like but really crazy part you're ready so what why am i like this is actually the best day job i've ever had before i was able to make a living from stand-up and acting all right so i was a teacher at the ground so i'm like 32 so i would sleep with my students and i know that sounds creepy but remember the guy was also 32 yeah everyone's adult. Everyone's like in their 30s. But that was after I had slept my way through the company. I then thought there was quite a pool in the school. What about you?

I never taught improv, although I really wanted to. I would coach sometimes, but I was a very bad coach. Because I didn't know how to make people funny. Somebody would do a scene and I'd be like, I could say the exact same thing as you and it just would be funny. There's just something about you that's not charismatic. I don't know how to fix that. But I didn't really hook up with anyone I coached.

I hooked up with a lot of performers. So there would be times where you'd be backstage and you'd be like, I have fucked six out of eight of these people. Right. And you gotta keep it cordial. Keep it cordial. You're just like, hello, how are you? We won't talk about anything.

Did you, did you like fall for any of them? Like in your heart? No, not at all. Oh, wait, there was one, there was one that I was like, Oh my God, I think I love him. And he was the one who treated me the worst.

He was terrible. And I just was like, Oh my God, he is for me. Oh my God. And then he moved away without telling me. And I was like, wait,

I thought we were like dating. I mean, he didn't even tell you for god's sake no are you are you attracted to the bad boy I guess I'm attracted to a man who okay so I watched this TED talk and it was like we're all just attracted to what we watched our parents do and my dad I don't want to say like, I mean, he loved me or whatever, but like, he really just did not understand me. He didn't understand why I wanted to be an actor. He didn't understand why I didn't want to go to school. So I feel like I go after men who don't

understand me. And then I spend time being like, don't you want to understand me? Don't you like want to love me? I can like win you over promise as opposed to like trying to find someone who like accepts me for who I am. No, I do that too. I'm like a lawyer. I feel like I'm always pitching my case. Like I'm always making my closing summation. That's how I feel. I'm just like, listen, I'm really great because of X, Y, and Z. Don't you want to like stick around and love me? Yeah. Here's my new topic. And then I show a new layer and it's great. But if they're not, I'm like, oh, shit, I've shown you 14 layers. That's it. Did you like when you were dating, did you feel like men were like

intimidated by you because you were so funny and because you were successful? Yeah. Like I although I got a late start. I wasn't even on my first TV show till I was 36. And was that suddenly Susan? Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields. So I was broke for many, many years. I did like I hate these people that are like, oh, I had a rough year before my giantly successful TV show, you know. I had a rough year before my giantly successful TV show. You know? And so I had, I, as soon as I made enough money, I

bought a house year one on Suddenly Susan. And this guy walked in and he was just a friend of mine, but he was a genuine heterosexual. And he walked in and he looked around the house and he goes, yeah, you are never going to get a guy. Brutal! And I was like, you fuck! And he goes yeah you are never gonna get a guy brutal and i was like you fuck and he goes you're on a television show you're starting to get recognized now you've got this nice house

you're got we i don't know a single guy that like has this stuff that doesn't want a complete 20 year old bimbo. It sucks. Cause like, I've never walked into like, I've hooked up with dudes who like have nice places and I'm just like, Oh, that's nice. And then I don't think anything of it. Like,

Oh, I can't date this person. They're too successful. Like that's insane. It's super insane. I, I am not proud of this, but yes, i'm willing to invoke the name taylor swift okay because and i admit i didn't know who travis kelsey was until i get that he's wildly famous and has two super bowl rings all right but what i think is possible is maybe people seeing him go to her concert in Argentina or whatever

and really cheering her on. Maybe that can cause a shift. Because from my era, like everyone acted like anyone who dated Madonna was like, oh, a nightmare or anybody who went out with Janet Jackson was like, well, she's a working machine. And they kind of like shit on the woman and act like the guy is like a victim. So I'm hoping that this trailer love affair thing shows guys like you should want your woman to be successful

and then you should go to her job and clap. Yes, that's all I want. I just I think it's so like, I don't know, romantic when your partner is like, I don't know, proud of you or like thinks you're talented. Because, yeah, I'm always cheering a dude on. I'm always like, you're so smart and talented and funny. I dated this guy who liked coming to my shows and I loved that. Yeah. And he would get so excited after and be like, that was so funny.

And I really liked when you said this. And then sometimes he'd be like, well, what if you said that? And I was like, no, that's not bad. That's not bad at all. Why don't I? I'll add that. Yeah. Like it was it was just nice.

And that's what I want. I just want nice times. Just nice. I'm telling you, nice should be quality. Number one, you cannot underestimate nice and being treated well. And that to me came with age because in my twenties, I was totally into the, any guy that was emotionally unavailable, emotionally on another planet, that's what I was attracted to. And I really thought, like, I'm going to get in. I'm going to break down into some balls. And when I look back at those guys, I think about them and I'm like, God, that guy was such a loser.

I can't believe I spent six months trying to win this guy over. Years for me to look back and think that. Years. Yeah. I mean, it is hindsight's 2020. And all of the dudes I have dated are now like married. They all married short brunettes. And I was like, what is this? Do I have to become a short brunette? Like, is that the trend? I guess so. Kathy, real quick. We have to take a break. And we're back. So, OK, after suddenly, Susan, did you find that you got hit on more or less? Um, less, because then I became kind of well known because i was also doing like hbo specials

and stuff and that's the part that i that that i witnessed guys struggle with over and over and over whether it was like a blind date or casual thing if i would get recognized they kind of wouldn't know what to do with their body like Like, do I shake the person's hand? And I think that a lot of men won't admit it, but they resent being the guy who has to hold the camera and take the picture. And I think that's a shame because people don't mean to be rude. But if somebody, if a gay guy comes up and goes, hey, diva, I love you, he'll just hand his phone to my husband.

And it took years for my husband to be like, okay, I'm just going to take this picture. It doesn't mean like the person is like kind of not in their right mind for two seconds. But it's an odd thing for like a civilian guy to get used to. Yes, I agree. Because I've been on dates where I've been recognized and then they'll be like, oh, does that happen all the time? And whenever I go, no, it happens like six more times on the date. And then if I go, yeah, it happens all the time. And then it doesn't happen. So there is no winning with it. Yeah. It's so wild. So, okay, can I ask you about being banned from the Apollo?

Oh, this was so bad. Okay, so on my Emmy award-winning show, Kathy Griffith, My Life on the D-List. So we did an episode, which you probably couldn't even do today, but it was Kathy tries to break into the Black community. And it was jam packed. I go to Kat Williams house, which should have been its own spinoff just called.

I go to Kat Williams house. I mean, I would watch it a hundred times. Kat Williams is so fucking funny. He is. He to me is like Andy Kaufman genius. Like I, I have seen him live so many times and I love his specials, but

he's always threatening to retire. He's always like, I told you I'm going to retire. I'm like, you can't. Anyway, he's a fucking genius. Then I wanted to see if I could do a set at the Apollo, but I

knew that it was going to be Amateur Night. And I was a big fan. I've watched Amateur Night at the Apollo through all the hosts. We'll be like, well, Whoopi did it for a while. And Steve Harvey did it for a while. And Ricky, I forgot his last name. So anyway, I'm a fan of that show. So I knew I was probably going to bomb.

But I thought, you know, let's see if I get like the audience actually pointing like to the exit and stuff well what happened was I I went and oh yeah I went with Reverend Al Sharpton he was like my plus one and I owe him for the rest of my life so what the producers did was a little sneaky the producers didn't tell me it wasn't just amateur night. It was kids amateur night. So I went, it was my vulgar self and I walked off stage and the manager of the Apollo said, you're banned here forever. You're never welcome here again.

You're profane. You're disgusting, blah, blah, blah. And I turned to turned l sharp he goes let's get you out of here and l sharp didn't walk to me to like the production van and it was just the two of us because even though the cameras were there they they didn't know if the guy was

serious or not and so i have a letter from the apollo saying i'm not i'm not ever welcome there again because i was too and i was vulgar they're right and it was kids amateur night honestly that is funny that is it's it's funny it's just a funny situation but then

also like not funny for the kids because they didn't know it was about to happen no I didn't know they were innocent. God, that's wild. That is such a funny thing for a production team to do, but also terrible to do to you. Terrible, but it did make for a lot of laughs in the episode.

Very good television. Yeah. You also dated Quentin Tarantino. What was that like? Okay, so Quentin Tarantino is a big comedy file. You know who he went out for a really long time? He was like Madly in Love with Margaret Cho. Really?

And they went out for a long time. I want to say like off and on for at least a year. Anyway, and I love Margaret. I've noticed since she started and stuff. And so he is a very interesting guy. I think he has a kid now, which is unbelievable to me because he's such a I mean, he is the way he presents himself. And we went out a couple of times. I didn't sleep with him.

But when I had my studio apartment in Santa Monica and I was still in the ground linings, he spent the night one night and we spooned all night. the ground linings um he spent the night one night and we spooned all night and um i just said i just don't want to be like another girl that fucks you because i know that's what everybody is doing these days and he didn't like he was getting so much pussy he was like all right whatever like if it isn't you it would be somebody else and like his actresses were always blowing up his phone and you know it was like fun. It wasn't his serious thing. It was a couple of dates. But like, he's a very interesting guy.

And I'm a fan of his movies. And, you know, he talks movies like nobody else. What can I say? When he was writing Pulp Fiction is when that was. We were dating. And he would call me and read me the pages. Oh, were you ever like, hmm, Quinn, that sucks?

No, can I be honest? I swear to God, I know I'm just kissing his ass now, but he would read me these pages and I would be like, oh my God, that's so fucking good. And then when I went to the screening of the movie, because I have three lines in it,

I got to go to the screening, then I saw how the dialogue was like almost exactly the same as he read it. So it was so good the first time he wrote it. He didn't do like big rewrites that I know of. Have you dated anyone else that's like famous? You mean like Joey from NSYNC, Nicole? You dated Joey from NSYNC. I love that.

How long did you date? See, you like, that's what makes me a legend. Okay, that's what makes me a legend. Sure, I've done specials and this and that, but it's the dating the guy from NSYNC that isn't Justin, who I'm not speaking to because I'm obsessed with that Britney book. Let me tell you. Yeah, it's pretty wild. I read it on TikTok. There were just TikToks

of people reading it. I love that you read it on TikTok. I have the physical book and I'm halfway through it. Oh, my God. When she says that Justin put his dick in her and then she goes, tell me when you're going to put it in and he says it's in I don't know if that's real is that really in the book yeah that's wild that's I thought that was a bit she burst into tears she says she burst oh my god uh that is devastating for Justin Timberlake. Yeah, I know. But I still haven't forgiven him for Janet Jackson. I mean, that was fucked up.

Another thing she, another woman who got canceled for something that, even if it was her idea, even if it like was the plan, for like a nipple to be out and then to be like, you can't work again. It's fucking insanity. Wait, what was it like dating Joey? How long did you date for?

Oh, we like made out twice. But I will tell you, it was very fun. Like being backstage at an NSYNC show and being like a middle aged woman. Oh, and by the way, I was like 38 and I told him I was 28. And then at the time I go, you know, I'm 28. He goes, wow, I've never dated a lady that old. Because he was like 22 or something. It was just so embarrassing. Oh, my God. I've never dated a lady that old.

I like they said lady. I mean, yeah, when you're old, you got to treat a lady with respect. You got to call him a lady. I'm still friends with Lance Bass and I'm going to his house for Thanksgiving. Top that. I can't top that. I'm not friends with Lance Bass and I'm not going to his house for Thanksgiving. I'm just going to go see my sister and my uncle and my aunt.

And that's it. And my grandpa. Don't start any shit with the uncle i won't i he's actually i don't even know if he's going to be there he might be out of town okay he's got a very uh he's got a wonderful social life um so wait you've been married twice yes so i've been with my husband for we we've been married three years, but we've been together 13. Which is a nice long time. Who proposed to who? Did you propose? He's next to me. He's laughing because he can't believe it. Yeah, he proposed.

No, but the reason I turned to him is like it would be on brand for me to propose. So it wouldn't have shocked me if he was like it would be on brand for me to propose. So it wouldn't have shocked me if he was like, you proposed. But no, he did. Oh, thank God. And where did you get married? Oh, this is so awesome. Okay.

So our last house was in Bel Air. And our next door neighbors were fucking Kim and Kanye. Oh, my God. That's absolutely incredible. Epic. Did you ever go over to be like, can I borrow some sugar, Kim? Kanye. Oh my God. That's absolutely incredible. Did you ever go over to be like, can I borrow some sugar, Kim? Yes. Yes. I went over, we went to each other's house. And one time she came to our house and she FaceTimed with Scottie Pippen because she was with Larsa and Scottie would see the house. And so we FaceTimed, just Kim FaceTimed my house. How about that for a story? I love that. Wait, is this house, is this the one that they lived in where

they ripped out everything and made it all white? Yes. What was it like inside? It was like a museum and it was like the Guggenheim. And they had a sheep that was like a piece of art that I wasn't sure if it was a toy because they had two kids at that time. And Kanye is not an easy person to converse with. Interesting. I am not surprised. You can't just give like a hi, how are you? Fine, how are you? He's just, I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck they talked about i don't know how they talk with her you can at least talk like fashion and like fingernails you know what i mean like you can make it work yeah you can figure it out yeah but with him sometimes he stands and just stares at you and doesn't say anything and then one time he was he came in the living room and then Kim goes, Kanye, you know Kathy and her husband Randy. And then he turned to us and he goes, I wasn't here. This didn't happen. I wasn't here. And he walked out of the room.

That's incredible. that's incredible when you get a certain amount of fame and a certain amount of money you can just do weird shit and people go that's them like i love it he's like what is it like uh rescinded to being a child i wasn't here you didn't see me i wasn't here like that's so wild but i know but it's like, I don't care how many times he said it. He was here. It did happen. And I did see him. And you did see him. That was a moment, honey. I'm not going to lie. That was a moment. That's so wild. And how long were you next door neighbors? Only two years. And then they moved to Hidden Hills. But I really missed them because she had, well, they both had like a ton of security. Oh, you want to hear? This is so D-list. By the way, the name of my tour is My Life

on the PTSD List. And I'm doing 40 cities and go to kathygriffin.com. All right. So this is so D-list. So they had a home invasion and the robbers couldn't get inside their house. So they jumped the fence to our house, came inside, didn't steal anything, and left. Wild. I wonder why. They were like, well, if we can't get into this one, we better see what the one next door looks like. Yes, the only thing they did is they took a backpack

and they threw it on the driveway. But, I mean, they didn't even think we were worthy of a nice, you know, theft, a nice little bling ring. I would be so thankful that no one stole my shit, but then also I'd be like, wait, nobody wants my Polly Pockets or my little figurines from old McDonald's cartoons. What's wrong with you? Exactly. I only have junk in my house. I truly was like, I don't know. I grew up and I was like, everything I couldn't have as a child, I'm just going to buy. This is all I want. Like now I'm on the hunt for this

like Cher Barbie doll that I want. What? And that's just how I'm living wait just so do you go to like prexel and wait how do you find a sheer barbigo oh you go on either ebay or etsy or makari and then for clothes you could go to all those places but then also um depop uh poshmark yeah i love i love finding old shit that I've wanted and then buying it oh that's amazing you know who's okay I'm not this is gonna sound dark but it's not but I went to Pee Wee Herman's memorial Paul Rubens the actor

it was an amazing memorial but so many people talked about how he collected stuff like that like unique pieces a sugar barbie doll is art that's that is a good People talked about how he collected stuff like that, like unique pieces. A sugar Barbie doll is art. That's that is. I know.

And I'm trying to find a good one in a box that hasn't been opened and played with. Yeah, that's tough. That's tough. I know. I found a couple. But what's like the most expensive thing that you've ever bought? I mean, a car. I bought a Maserati.

Ooh, what year? When was this? I had Maseratis every three years. I would just, that's the only debt that I have is I would lease a Maserati because I didn't want to have to worry about it like breaking down after a while. But I had Maseratis and then I felt too guilty with a gas guzzler. And so I have a Porsche Taycan now and it's electric and it's very quiet. I love it. Ooh,

I love that. It was like $71,000 or something, but also our house is probably, our house was 9 million. So that's the most expensive thing you ever bought. Oh yeah. That makes sense. 9 million.

Ooh, diva. You paid cash. You paid cash? Yes. If I can't pay, Susie Orman taught me if you can pay cash for your house, you can't afford.

Interesting. She gave me the budget and everything. That must be nice to have someone like Susie Orman in your life who could be like, yes, you can buy this. Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

Honey, you know the lesbians. They have everything figured out. I need to find me a nice lesbian. Okay, Kathy, we've like come to the end. I have a question. What? What kind of advice would you give to the single ladies in the world? Okay.

So this is how I ensnared my husband. Are you ready? I'm going to do some name tests. I was on the road and I was in Hawaii and I was thinking, why am I not in a relationship in Hawaii? This is so pathetic. And I called a lady named Cher and Cher said, don't be so cheap. Take one weekend off the road and go to something you would never normally go to and be surrounded by people that you don't know and you wouldn't typically be you know surrounded by because i was thinking out the comedy scene too much and i wasn't meeting anybody so i bought tickets to this thing the los angeles times puts on every year called the taste la and it's a food festival like like a food and wine festival. And I went to like

multiple events. And that's where I met my husband. So put yourself in a situation in an environment where you wouldn't normally be and you're surrounded by people you wouldn't normally be surrounded by. Okay. This is wild because I was invited to this like holiday party that I was like, I don't know if I'm going to go. I really think I'm gonna know I only know like two people who are going but now I'm like oh I have to go now I have to surround myself with people that I don't know and maybe this is how I Yes, Kathy. I'm going to do it. I actually think that's really good advice. Okay. I asked all my guests this. Sometimes I forget, but I remember this time. Okay. Would you date me? Absolutely. You are the full package. You are a total catch. Thank you, Kathy. Okay. Would you like to promote anything?

I know you talked about your tour, but where can people find tickets? Go to kathygriffin.com. Follow me on TikTok and Instagram. I'm doing 40 cities, the Kathy Griffin, my life on the PTSD list tour. I think you all should go. If you're a fan of live comedy, this is the show to go to. I think it's going to be fabulous. I'm going to try to come. Oh, I'd love it. Yeah, because you're going to do an L.A. date, right? Yeah. Yeah, so I'm going to come to that. Okay. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, give me five stars.

If you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com, I will read it. This person said, hey, Nicole, I live in England and I'm in a monogamous marriage. But if I was single and lived on your street, I would bend you over, put a bucket between your legs and finger you over and over until you squirt enough to fill the bucket. Then I take that bucket to a hot dog eating contest and use your juices to dip my hot dog buns into. When I inevitably win the contest, I'd use leftover hot dogs as dildos to make you squirt one more time all over the audience. That was nasty, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden.

Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.