Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating a Cult Leader (w/ Poppy Liu)

Episode Date: July 5, 2024

Actress Poppy Liu (Hacks) joins Nicole to discuss how she accidentally dated a cult leader, her exhausting year as a dominatrix in the BDSM lifestyle, her queer awakening watching Titanic, and her experiences doing experimental nude theatre in New York. Nicole shares the story of the time she was fingered by a dishwasher.Check out Poppy Liu's new movie, Space Cadet, on Prime Video.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single for so long, even though you could take me to a Home Goods and leave me there. So honestly, Home Goods is fun.

My guest today is an actress, activist, and doula known for her work in Sunnyside, Hacks and I, Carly, her new movie, Space Cadet, is now streaming on Prime Video and we did a live stage reading of Wayne's World together. Which was truly incredible. It's Poppy Lou! Hi, Nicole, you're so cool.

Thanks for having me. You're very cool. Also, you use, I'm so sorry, I should have clarified. Do you prefer they them or do you prefer she her or is it both? Both either. Okay. Okay, perfect.

I should have asked before we began. What about you? Oh my gosh, my conscientious queen. Listen, I try to be conscientious and respect people's pronouns because it is an important thing. To me, it's not. I don't care.

Like if I don't have hair and I'm on a plane and I'm wearing a little hat and I'm wearing my little sports bra that's smushed in my little titties, sometimes I get called sir and I simply, doesn't matter, bring me the vodka soda or having a nice time. I don't know if you ever were in a circle like this, but there was a time in my like earlier mid-20s

where I was like around a lot of like new agey people. And especially like the whiter the guy, the more likely he's gonna say some shit in like a share circle when they're like pronouns. And you know, it's like the first time they've ever been asked that. And like in their like, I'm one with all state, they're like, my pronouns are we and us.

It happened enough times that it's like a thing that I'm bringing up now. We and us. Okay, Diva. I can't think of a greater ick. That's so fucking funny. We, us. He's literally, and it's always like Chad,

Chad from like Bushwick. Oh God, we gotta love a Chad from Bushwick. I don't know if I've really met anyone named Chad. Maybe Chad isn't from Bushwick. Maybe it's more like, who would be in Bushwick? Maybe like a like Thomas. For a beat CO, oh Thomas, yes, yes, yes. Benjamin, oh. For a beat, C-O-O Thomas. Yes, yes, yes.

Benjamin. Oh, it's a Benjamin. Someone who's now going by their full name. Their full government Bible given name. Uh-huh. I was Ben, but now I'm going by Benjamin and my pronouns are we. Us. And us.

We are the world. Okay. In fact, I pronounce it now, Ben-ca-meen. And I'm like, okay, you're from Connecticut. Poppy. Nicole. Let's get into it. Are you dating single?

Don't want to say? Keep the mystery, because that's an option too. I'm so happy to not keep the mystery. I am like so single that I think I re-identify as a virgin. And this is, I just had a child also. So something about me is I immaculately conceived. I love it. The second coming is here. Thank you. How old is your child?

A year and a half. Honestly, a good age, any older, and I don't want any part of it. I love holding a baby. I love when they can't get away. I love their little teeth and your fat little legs. Chunky little chunk chunks. Chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk. Have you been dating well while having a baby? I haven't.

And as a solo parent, there have been phases where I feel open and ready for it again, but I'm just honestly so tired all the time. The thought of fucking around and finding out. I can't fuck around and find out. I don't have the like, I can't do what I did in my 20s where I can just like waste a night on a bad date or something.

Yeah. You know? I fucking get it. I, at this point, there's like people in my life who like, we have history, we had a nice time, but like, I know if I go out with them, it won't be a nice time. And I'm like, I don't want to waste it.

I'm getting old. I know, I'm so tired. When you were dating, was it easy? Did you have a nice time? You know, I think I've gone through a lot of different phases of life. So like, I definitely had my like ho era and then I had my, as we all do,

accidentally date a cult leader era, you know. Okay, I'll say this, didn't have that era. That's an era that I skipped. Tell me about an accidentally dating a cult leader. You know, the cliche where we all accidentally date a cult leader. I don't know. It's just like, I think this is what I mean by being in my 20s and like fucking around and finding out. I can't accidentally date a cult leader right now for like two years. I don't have the time. I can't waste two years like that.

No. Also, you have a child. You don't want to indoctrinate a child into a cult. That's terrible. I know. You'll have a Suri Crews situation where they change their last name and they say, I don't want to be part of the cult. Exactly.

You don't want that. Classic Suri Crews situation. Yeah, so that's why I can't. I'm too easily susceptible. That's what it is. I think I'm like too, um, uh, I'm too easily susceptible. That's what it is. I think I'm too like blown about in the wind, you know? Sure, I get that. I think of myself as very childlike and full of wonder. And I'm like, what treats are about today?

What can I learn? You are. Tell me, tell me. I think I'd be very susceptible to a cult. I think if someone was like, hey, come on. I'd be like, oh, all right, I'll go there, why not? This was around the time that there was a lot of people saying we, us pronouns, as you can probably imagine. You're like, we are a we, we are an us,

I'll follow you anywhere cult leader. Oh God, that's so wild. Just like young and malleable. Yeah. You know? Sometimes I still, I'm not young, but I am definitely very malleable. I'm like, okay, yeah, bend me, bend me this way, whatever. I think I'd be more malleable if I was less tired.

So I think being tired is actually making me less susceptible to cults. I'd be too tired to join one. I'd be too tired to join and follow all'm too tired to join and follow all the rules. I simply can't remember the rules. All the rules. Literally, they have to be group check-ins and meetings. I can't do it. Have you seen the documentary Twin Flame?

My therapist actually told me she doesn't think I should watch it because it would be too triggering. Oh, no. Okay, then don't watch it. I know, which... Then don't watch it. It is rather triggering. I don't actually know what would be triggering about it.

I just know I was professionally, medically advised to not watch it. I get it. Well, at one point, one of the people in the group is tasked with writing a paper to say, to show that it's not a cult. And the more research she did, she was like, no, no, this is a cult. And I was like, that is so wild.

As a cult leader, you're like, write me up something that disputes the fact that this is a cult. And they're like, wait a minute, everything that's been happening, this is very cult-like. Yeah, you shouldn't watch it. I think you'd be like, mm-hmm, oh, oh, I see, yes, okay. Yeah, too vulnerable again, must be protected.

Yeah, I mean, I- Must be treated fragile, fragile mom. Very fragile mom. I've never been in a cult, so I wasn't triggered. The only thing I left with was like, being in a cult might be nice. It's like built in friends. But then I, you know, really thought about it.

And was like, that's not, that's not good. That's why they are like quite like, you know, they prey upon people that are, if you're young, like a lot of people who've just gone through trauma, you know, it's a lot of that. But there are aspects of it that are nice. Group dinner. Okay. Ooh.

Okay, I don't know how to cook. Okay. Okay. The cult is cooking tonight. I know the cult is cooking tonight. What are we making? And it's always some farm to table stuff. Cults love farm to table.

So you know it's fresh. You know? Honestly? Yeah. I mean, if someone know it's fresh. You know? Honestly? Yeah. I mean, if someone was cooking me fresh meals, this is terrible. We're literally like, the Colts are good. They're not good.

They are bad. Our stance is they are not OK. It is not a dream. They're not good. You don't want to be in it. OK? Yes. You can get fresh food in a different way.

I need to know, how did you become a doula? And what exactly? A doula is someone who shepherds a baby into the... What is a doula? It is... So I started off being an abortion doula. Okay. Because I made a short film about my abortion, which is also how I got into film and TV. Ooh!

So people were like, what's your entry point? I was like, anyways, my abortion story. Before that, I was doing like, you know, experimental naked theater in New York as you do. Whatever, all of it is the same culture. You get the idea, whatever. We can't just skip over that. What exactly is experimental naked theater?

Okay, there was once when we did a six week run of this show called Body, Anatomy of Being. Oh. Okay. Okay. Ah, we're naked the entire 90 minutes. Uh-huh. The thought of doing a naked show right now

makes me wanna break out in hives. But again, I don't know. I think maybe it was like, whatever. This was all like around the time I was 24. I just, I don't know. I think maybe it was like, whatever. This was all like around the time I was 24. I just, I don't know. I think your 20s are awash. I did so many things in my 20s, I was like, what?

Now? I would never. What's your, like akin to naked physical theater in your 20s? Getting fingered on the street. I gotta go home to do that. I don't even know if I have the dexterity to allow entry. Which street? I know.

This was in front of the Blarney Stone, which was on, I think it was 54th and 8th. In Ireland? No, I wish. I wish I was getting fingered in Ireland. Not the Blarney. I didn't have the money to go to Ireland to get fingered. No, this was a dishwasher at the Blarney Stone

in New York City. Ah! Honestly, sounds hot. Ah! Ah! Oh my gosh, clean. I mean, I knew his fingers were clean. He, you know, he'd been in the soap in the water all night.

All night, some pruney little fingers. Oh, yeah. Okay, I love that for you. Pruny little fingers. Wait, okay, so what exactly does a doula do? Okay, to use, I guess, like entertainment industry terms, you're kind of like a producer for someone's birth. So you kind of talk through what their vision is, what they hope for, for their birth or their abortion,

what kind of support system they have around them, things that the medical staff should know, past triggers, whatever, anything, because you'd be surprised the medical industrial complex, if you will, is very much like kind of like factory infrastructure. It's just in and out, in and out, in and out. You end up, especially when you're in labor, you go through so many different people's shifts that sometimes you'll just have someone brand new come into the room.

They don't introduce themselves. They just start poking you, going inside you, taking blood out of you, taking fluids, you know, whatever. Not everyone, but like that can happen. So it's kind of just being someone's advocate throughout that whole process too. I think people would be surprised in how many, like actually how much of a voice and agency they have in a birth setting.

I think a lot of times we give our power over to doctors or to people that are in places of authority when we're feeling vulnerable. And I think it's just like advocating on people's behalf, being like, no, you can ask questions. Is this mandatory? What are the side effects of this? Like, what's going on?

What is that test for again? Like, you know, it's kind of just basic caregiving for someone through that process. And then you create kind of like a birth chart and I usually like print out a couple and laminate them. I'm a Capricorn. I love laminating things. And yeah, I haven't, I haven't doled a birth in a while though. I think once the pandemic started, it was harder and then I was like working more in TV and stuff. And it's hard to kind of be on call for a birth when you're also on call for film.

And then now I have a child, la la la la, here we are. You know? I get it. That's a lot. Wait, what is the wildest like requests you've heard from people? Not that wild. It's more like, um, I guess my very, very, very first birth ever was at a birthing center. And the person, like, wanted to, you know, give birth without any, like, pain,

like, interventions and stuff. And I wasn't, like, someone's backup doula. It was just me and her. And I was just with her for like 36 hours being like, oh my God, I'm just like, I'm the person now. I'm the one that's like talking you through every breath. I'm there. Like your foot is against me as you're pushing. I'm like right at the, you know, the head's coming out here.

And it was just like, it was quite a introduction, if you will. Uh-huh, damn. So I think it's like, there doesn't even need to be weird requests for it to be like an incredibly intense experience. I mean, yeah, that sounds pretty fucking wild. I was, I actually was going down the road of like,

ooh, are they like, can I have 50 bouquets of white flowers and bowls of only red skittles? And now that you're describing it, I'm like, oh, absolutely, nobody would, you're just focused on getting a human being out of your body. Well, also, the place that I train with, it's this organization called Ancient Song in Brooklyn. They're really rad.

But they train people with like a birth justice lens. And so we were, a lot of our doula work was like free or, you know, sliding scale, no charge for like under, underserved communities, et cetera. So I think a lot of the advocacy was actually the opposite of being like, you can ask for stuff, you know? I think like actually a lot of people default to being like, I don't get to ask for anything.

I just have to get through this process and being like, no, you can. You can, what do you wanna eat? What comfort measures do you want? We can advocate for that. Cause yeah, I don't know. I think especially like a lot of birthing people, a lot of women, a lot of femmes,

just are conditioned to be like, I can't ask for extra. I don't ask for extra. I don't wanna take up extra space or whatever. So it was more often than not that. I think it'd be different if I was like, you know, doing like Hollywood dueling or something. Everyone's like, rent out the Chateau Marmont. Rent a whole floor of a hospital for me.

I mean, you are right. I've never given birth, but I did break my ankle and they only gave me enough pain meds to get through the weekend and I was in such fucking pain. And I didn't have the agency to be like, may I please have extras just in case on Monday, I cannot get in to see a specialist. Can you give me Oxycontin? Can you give me the good shit?

Give me the good, give me the Percocet. Give me something, something nice, something nice to take the edge off. I know the good, give me the percocet. Give me something, something nice, something nice to take the angle. I know you have it. Yeah, truly. Yes, and famously, breaking your ankle and having a baby are incredibly similar.

Very, very similar, you know? Very, and that's something that people don't say enough. They don't, and I went through trauma and people who birth, they go through trauma. You sure did. Yes. So wait, Gene Smart threw you a surprise baby shower? She did. It was really sweet. I was truly surprised. Like, I wasn't fake.

Like, I was truly... I think there's a video of it that, like, Paul Downs took of me coming, because she said it was a housewarming party for her. And so I even like, brought like a housewarming gift, I think, too. And I'm like, eight months pregnant at this point. And I'm like, 15 minutes late, as I always am. Sorry. Well, I get it.

I like, go in and then everyone's like, outside by like, the swimming pool. And she's like, pool and she's like, Poppy, she's like, look, and there's all these like balloons and like, like congrats, like baby stuff. And even then I was like, it didn't hit me. I was like, oh, like that's so strange to have a baby themed house warming. How weird, like it didn't hit me yet. And then she's like, is Jean smart having a baby?

Is that what's going on? Literally, I was like, maybe you just love babies. And then she shows me a corner with a bunch of presents in it. She's like, those are for you. And I was like, what? Like still not. And I was like, as in they're goodie bags

for all of us for the housewarming. I was like, okay, this housewarming is like, I was like, it's something else. Not computing. Literally not. And then finally she had to be like, no, this housewarming is like, you know, I was like, it's something else. Not computing. Literally not. And then finally she had to be like, no, this is for you. This is all for, and I was like, and I literally just still go,

but what about the housewarming, Jean? And she had to like take me like, Poppy, there's no housewarming. And I was like, what? And then I go inside and they're all like, surprise. And I'm like, ah, and I're like, wait, but you all knew? Ah, you all. I just couldn't stop saying you all knew.

Poppy, that's so sweet. It is so sweet that you just simply couldn't fathom that these people were doing something so nice for you. I simply couldn't. I was really concerned about where the housewarming was. Where's the housewarming? Where is it? Yes, the house has to be warmed. This house blue, too cold. A bird! Turn out the fireplace! Real quick Poppy, we have to take a break.

We have to take a break. And we're back. I want to talk to you about your queer awakening. I feel like you share a similar one with a lot of people. You watched Titanic for the first time and you were like, oh, Caitlin's left. I, yes, and I'm so shocked by how many people had the same sexual awakening as I did. Yeah, when I watched Titanic, I was like,

this is hot, she's so beautiful. Yeah, you're like, maybe I'm gay. But, maybe, okay, here's my theory. My theory is that I think around that time, like in the nineties, when it came out, I think a lot of us are like nineties babies, like this genre of millennial. I don't feel like our parents really took movie ratings

that seriously then. Like I was also raised watching Maury after school being like, paternity test, is he your father? You know, like from age like five to 12 or something. So like, I think a lot of us just watched Titanic at like a really, at a much too early age. And of course it's going to stick in your mind. And so yeah, I had sex dreams about like Kate Winslet being drawn naked for, like, 12 years.

Yeah, I remember. Oh, my God. Because I'd seen, like, Playboy, Playgirl, all that. I had seen bodies, but I'd never seen, like... Like, the way Leonardo DiCaprio is, like, taken away. Like, his breath is taken away, and he's just like, he can't talk. And I was like, yeah, man, yeah, she's so beautiful.

And then you read stories about how she was like body shamed and shit, and I'm like, but how? But why? For a Titanic, she needs to know that an entire generation of millennials are gay because of her. Yes, but yeah, apparently people called her chubby and stuff. And I was like, to me, apparently people called her chubby and stuff and I was like, to me that's not chubby.

That's like, I don't know. It's, for me, like not to talk about someone's body. No, she's the body of a woman. It is, it was like womanly and I was like, oh, I can't wait to look like that. Spoiler, never happened. And then I also thought Leonardo DiCaprio was so hot. I was like, both these people are hot.

This is delightful. Woo, wait, I want life to beCaprio was so hot. I was like, both these people are hot. This is delightful. Woo-wee! I want life to be like this all the time. I saw it like three times in theaters. Oh, good for you. I wish it was in theaters again. Imagine that. Theater size. Oh.

IMAX. Oh. Planetarium. Oh, give it to me. Also, Leonardo DiCaprio as Jack is so lesbian-coded. Oh, yeah. Like, the thing is, even finding him hot is still queer because he looks like a lesbian.

He looks like most of the dykes in Silver Lake. I love that. Literally, so. James Cameron had a vision, and he said, I'ma make everybody gay. And it's like, OK, James, let's do it. That's definitely what James thought. He was like, I'm gonna make an iconically queer film

about the Titanic. I saw him at some award show and I gasped. I don't really get starstruck. I get like, oh my God, they're beautiful. Or wow, they have charisma. Or they take up space in the room. But James Cameron, I was like, oh my God, they're beautiful, or wow, they have charisma, or they take up space in the room. But James Cameron, I was like, oh no! I love it!

In his face? No, but pretty close to him that it was embarrassing. I love it. Not close enough for him to respond, but close enough to be in your shot. Yeah, I'm sure he was like, I'm not turning around. This lady is insane. Truly wild. Oh.

Wait, that's impressive though. Cause I don't think I would know what he looked. I don't, I have really bad face recognition. And I think I could be in a room with like the most famous people on earth and like maybe not know who anyone was. Which, okay, actually I did it. I did like a really, really, really small cameo,

which this isn't even the film I'm supposed to be promoting, and I don't know when it comes out, but there was this tiny film, or not this tiny, it's a significant, it's a Keanu Reeves film that I have a tiny little part in, and I like met him for the first time on set, and he's like the nicest person, of course, it's like Keanu, you're like, oh my God. But something that's really charming about him is that he blends into a crowd so well. And so there are multiple times when I was like, oh my God. But something that's really charming about him is that he blends into a crowd so well. And so there are multiple times when I was like, like there was a whole scene where someone was on camera

and talking and I was like, I was like, oh, like I wonder where Keanu is. I thought he was in every scene of this movie, but I guess they have another thing. Turns out 30 minutes later it is Keanu. And I'm like, oh my God, the guy in the white t-shirt is Keanu, what I'm like, oh my god, the guy in the white t-shirt is Keanu. What the? And then this other time I'm walking out of the stage and then these

four just like crew guys are walking in and like we're saying hi or whatever. And the last crew guy in quotes, like smiles really big and waves at me and I'm like, oh, maybe I met him before. Again, once I'm five feet away, it's once again Keanu. I love it. I was like, this has won the level of my facial recognition. Your experience on set is Where's Waldo starring Keanu Reeves. Like truly, that's so funny. Yes. Wait, who is Keanu?

Where's Keanu? Where's Keanu? Where's Keanu? Where is he? He's so hot. I just watched Speed for the first time and I was like, oh my God. Him and Sandra Bullock, I was like, this is iconic. Oh my, why haven't they done more together? He's a hot 59 also.

Ooh, daddy. Which is really, exactly. I think, okay, so I'm not dating, but I am thinking about dating a lot in between my, like, you know, childcare mommy brain. And okay, I really, the thing that I've, maybe you can cast a spell and all your listeners can cast a spell for me too. What I need, I need like an older mask, maybe but doesn't have to be totally like butch coated, but like an older mask who, and this is the kicker and this is what I've had issues with, who is not a top on the outside and then secretly a bottom on the inside.

Okay. Which is something that I have encountered many times. To be like, oh my God, like this person's like, you know, especially people that are charismatic, whatever being like, oh, you're really giving top. And I'm like such a bottom. I thought I was a top for a while because I was doing this like BDSM web series

and I was training to be a baby dom. And I was just like, I guess I may be a top now. I'm really not. It was like the most exhausting year of my life being a dom, it's so much work. I love that you were like, this is acting and I'm gonna bring it into my life. And you're like, this is actually exhausting.

It's cause you were acting in your real life. You were just like bringing work home. Well, I guess this is to answer your question about the beginning of my queer journey to after like two decades of Kate Winslet. When I finally, in my 20s was like, oh, like I'm queer and I want to explore this or whatever. It was around the same time I was doing the Dom stuff.

So I was like, okay, I guess I'm queer, but I'm also a Dom. Like I'm a top. And I was in a queer relationship at the time. And I was like, in quotes, the top in the relationship. And I was like, just all the time, I was just like, I don't wanna. I don't wanna. I don't wanna do this. Can you please take control?

Can you throw me around? Please. Literally, and my partner would be like, I'm tired. I'd be like, what? I'm tired. I'm tired. Oh, I'm just a bratty bottom. A bratty little power bottom.

Me, yes. I was having a conversation with someone and and we were talking about late-stage queerness and stuff. And I don't identify as queer, I don't identify as anything, she's just Nicole. It's because I'm not actively searching for queer relationships, so I feel like the label is disingenuous. But in my early 20s, I explored a ton, and it never crossed my mind to go to a queer community the label is disingenuous. But like in my early 20s, I explored a ton

and it never crossed my mind to be like, oh, I shouldn't do this because I'm curious. And I don't know why my brain works like that because like my friend was like, no, Nicole, that is not how most people's brains work. And I was like, yeah, but why wouldn't you? You're like, I'm not queer, but I was in my early 20s, I did fuck a lot of women.

But I would say that everyone does that, huh? Right? That's truly what I feel. Also, it's just a little hand block, you can't on my hand. But I did fall in love with a woman in my early 20s. And I was like, oh my God, I'll follow her into a river. I'll follow her anywhere she wants to take me. And then she ended up getting married

and I was like, okay. But yeah, it doesn't, it's not a thing in my brain where I'm like, oh, you shouldn't. And I don't know why I'm like that. I don't know why everyone's not like that. It might be, it might be, it might be because you're a little gay. Maybe. Maybe, maybe.

Maybe, but I'm not searching it out and I don't want to take the label. I feel... But also, you know, I think it's also empowering to be like, I have fallen in love with a woman and, you know, slept with just under a one handful of women and also still claim the title straight, which I think is actually the essence of queerness. I don't, I don't claim straight.

That you can just use, what do you claim? I don't think I'm straight, I don't claim anything. I'm just here, I'm existing. You don't claim anything, I see, I see. Whatever I fall in love with, I'll fall in love with. I think... I love that. I don't think straight...

I mean, maybe straight does exist. People have come for me on the internet because I say, in 2024, saying you're straight, that's a little... You're lying a little bit. It's embarrassing. It is. It's not even...

It's just, why would you not even pretend to be bi? Like, to be straight right now? You can... I think it's okay to be like, I go for the opposite sex, whatever, but I do think you should be able to be like, that person who's the same gender as me, I can acknowledge that they're attractive or they're hot. Like, people who won't even do that,

I'm like, there's something. There's something afoot. There is something afoot. There is something afoot. You can't say another, like a dude, like a cis male, you can't say another man is hot. Like why not? You know what hot is. Because there's so much internalized homophobia, et cetera, et cetera, toxic masculinity, the whole thing. Yeah. But like I feel like it's more, I agree. There's a lot of hot people in this world. But I feel like it's more... I agree. There's a lot of hot, he, she, they, thems, and... Oh. A couple months ago, me and my friends were like, we actually...

We're kind of over they, them. Now we are day, them, with a D. Day, them. Day, them. I love that. I think that's so funny. Bunch of day dams. Day dams, a bunch of day dams over there.

My favorite person. So my pronouns are day damn. I love that. My favorite person right now on the internet is this lesbian, she's got short blonde hair. She only makes videos in front of her Jeep or in her pool and she's always like, I'm looking for a girl who only sleeps three hours a night.

She wakes up, texts her daddy, her daddy doesn't text her back, and she cries on my shoulder. And she just makes very specific things and all the comments are like, we have to get her somebody. And it makes me laugh so hard. I love her so much.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love that too. I need a, yeah, maybe I need to be really specific. That's why I've started like being like, I need to be with a top who's not secretly a bottom, who is like, not just, you know, charismatically, socially a top, but also like can throw me around and like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, yeah, you just have to be specific. I've also had the thing where, like, whenever I date other fems, we just really quickly become, like, slumber party sisters. You know, like, we're, like, braiding each other's hair and, like, talking about our mother wounds.

Oh. Like, we can't, you know, we just get there so fast, and I'm like, okay, well... Hmm. You need something a little different. Guess we're not getting naked. We just get there so fast and I'm like, okay, well. You need something a little different. Because we're not getting naked. We're just gonna talk about our wounds and not have sex, okay. I started watching Entourage and it is like boy sex in the city,

which is funny to me. But there's, I don't know the characters' names yet, but one of, oh, Johnny Bravo, I don't know. One of them is, like, dates this really masculine woman, and everyone makes fun of him for it. And I was like, how funny to make fun of a man who's like, yeah, throw me around, toss me around. And then she starts being really mean to him,

and then he's like, oh, I don't like that. And I was like, I think it's funny that you wanted to be tossed around, but when she started speaking to you the way you speak about women, you don't like that. And I was like, I think it's funny that you wanted to be tossed around. But when she started speaking to you the way you speak about women, you didn't like it. And I just, I thought that was so funny and like kind of like so genius, but I was, it's such like a blip in the storyline that I was like, I wanted them to explore that more. That is interesting.

I, okay. I feel like I learned so much about like, like sexual power dynamics in my, again, year of being a baby dom. Which I shadowed a bunch of fem doms in New York. Some of them let me sit in other client sessions, the ones that like consented to it. And like, you know, and that became part of the kink

where they were like, this brand new dom is gonna use a single tail whip on you. She doesn't know what she's doing. And like they'd be like, oh yeah. But like anyways, like there were so many different categories. There was like someone else where like the whole thing was like, there would be five like fem doms that go to his apartment and just like humiliate him verbally and be like,

oh you're such a loser and like a cuck and like, oh, like you're like, but like he's like just jerk off to it. I would all make 50 bucks. It was like 10 minutes of that. We like, and you know, I'm like, yeah, 50 bucks in cold hard cash. But anyways, all that to say is like,

it is interesting how like, like for me, I do want to be like physically overpowered, but I cannot handle people saying mean stuff to me. Like, like, I got a little bit of like some like degrading kind of like, you know, if we like, if they earn it and we get there, you know, like some like little sluts, like whatever. But like, meaner, like, I don't, I can't, but like I want to be like choked out, you know? Yeah, choke me, but don't insult me and don't say anything that I'm actually, like actually self-conscious about that seems, I'm not into that.

Did you ever do DOM sessions, like on your own? I did with like a person that I was seeing at that time to also kind of like practice or like I was like, um, and you know, I think because of the nature of like being femdoms, a lot of the clients were like cis men and like this was like just a random guy I was seeing at the time. Or I was like, can I practice dom stuff on you? And he was like, yeah, cool. And like, um, so, but okay, the thing that I realized is it's so much planning and so much work. I really didn't enjoy a second of it.

I liked being a shadow Dom better, mainly because I'm actually a bottom, not a Dom. But being solo singular Dom, I literally hated it. I was like, oh my God, I have to set the scene. I have to be like elusive and coy, but I have to also be bossy. I also have to like give you instructions. You have to say stuff all the time as a dom. It's like so much work. I really agree. Sex work is work. And when people say it's not, I'm like, are you kidding? Like doms, you're right. Like you're doing a script that you have made up or you have thought through,

and there are beats that you were following, and it's for however long this session is. And then strippers, you know, there's so much upkeep, waxing, nails, hair. They're literally doing sports. You're doing acrobatics, and then you're like. When you're dancing, you're like literally, you're doing the Olympics.

You're doing the Olympics, and then you're bruised, winded, and being like, yeah, I love you, to this man who's sick looking. Ha ha ha. It is so much doing massages with like happy. And you are working. It's not easy to give a massage.

Sex work is so much work. It so is. It maybe is the most work of any work. Truly. And you have to be self-starting, you know? You gotta go get the clients. It has to be self-starting. It's not legal, so it's like, you have to go seek them out. You have to go seek out a dungeon.

You have to get a space. You gotta go to a club. You gotta audition. You gotta keep... Like, it's wild. All of it. You gotta audition. You gotta keep, like, it's wild. All of it. I remember the time that we were, like, making this project. So, like, my mentor, whose, like, story it was based on,

and, like, I was gonna play her in the series, and, like, she's been a sex work activist for many, many decades, and I have a lot of, like, love and respect for her. Like, for her, she talked a lot about, like, how finding BDSM for her was healing because of her trauma background and being able to have a consensual space to explore pain was like finally giving a healthy outlet to sort of this innate violence that she felt was in her

because of, you know, said trauma. But, yeah, anyway, where was I going with this? My ADHD just like, I just left the building. Sex work is hard. Oh, it's work. Oh yes. Yes. Yes. During the, I'm like, I'm like, yeah, let me be like, intergenerational trauma healing. The doink. And you know what? I can contain, I contain multitudes. I contain multitudes too and I can bounce around. I can bounce around. I am a bimbo. I also can talk about intergenerational healing. Anyways, but like sesta fosta was like a, like a law that was happening around then

that was making it illegal for sex workers to solicit sex online. Yes. And like it was creating a scenario in which it was just making the circumstances way more dangerous for sex workers because like, you need to be able to have like community and forums and like vetting clients even or like sharing just like- Sharing information, being like, this person did this and you know, don't work here. This person fucked me over. Yeah, it's wild.

Yes, and it was under the guise of like fighting sex trafficking and human trafficking, but criminalizing sex workers actually makes it way more dangerous for people who are sex or human trafficked, because if you're sex trafficked and you go to report your abuser, you then are the person that's criminalized for performing sex work. Because you were doing it because it was illegal. Yes.

And so it actually creates way more harm than providing safety, even for the thing that it's saying it's combating. Anyways, that's just... Which is why they want it, sex workers want it decriminalized and not legalized, right? There's like a very nuanced difference. Decriminalized. Yeah, I don't actually know the difference between decriminalized and legalized

and that, like in the current landscape of sex work. But I do know that they say, we want it decriminalized. And I get it. I was watching. We want it decriminalized. Decriminalize it. I was watching this movie called Pleasure

and I thought it was a documentary on sex work. And as I was watching it, I was like, how do they get these shots? This is wild. What? And then one as I was watching it, I was like, how do they get these shots? This is wild. What? And then one of the guys in it, I was like, this is an actor. He feels like an actor.

And then I Googled it and I was watching a movie about sex work and I couldn't believe how dumb I was. I was like, I watched like a full half hour of this movie being like, this is the wildest documentary I've ever seen. And like, a full half hour of this movie, being like, this is the wildest documentary I've ever seen. Wow. And like, she gives this blowjob, like it's not on camera,

but you see the guy's dick before she does it. And I was like, in a documentary? Wow. Wait, Poppy, real quick. Ooh, we gotta take a break. And we're back. So wait, you were born in China and then you moved to Minnesota and then you went back to China. What was that like?

Was that like a huge, like we've talked about that before when I met you at Wayans World, but I just wanna just like go over it again. Like what kind of culture shock was that? It was, I mean, by the time I was like 14, I was just very Midwestern at that point. And I was like raised bilingual, but I very much was like Minnesotan.

And then I think going back, the biggest shock honestly was like Minnesotan. And then I think going back, the biggest shock honestly was like maybe the like class difference of like suddenly becoming expats from like my parents sort of like very in their like, like, you know, immigrant work your way up thing. We'd like gotten like pretty solidly middle class before we left. And then we're in China now as expats. Whereas before like both of my parents, like they didn't come from like any sort of like means or anything. They just both tested into a really top school and became engineers and blah, blah, blah. And we were the only like nuclear

family of my entire extended family to leave the country. And now like 12 years later, just because we had gotten our citizenship and we're expats now, it was like night and day. Like we were living in these gated communities. The company hired a personal 24-7 driver who just sat outside your house. Yes. And like my mom and I would peek through the blinds being like, we're just talking about going home, right?

Like, this feels weird. Are they going to go home? That's this feels weird. Are they gonna go home? That's wild. Literally, like, he's napping, he's tired. Like, we're just going to the grocery store. He's so sleepy. He's a driver and a dom, and he's been coordinating, and he's so sleepy.

And he's a dom. How long did you live in China? I went to high school there, So for me, just four years. Four years. I went to Shanghai American School. It's very like Exokitty if you've seen it. I haven't. It's really cute.

And it's kind of about international school. Yeah. Well, maybe I'll watch it. And it's exactly my high school experience. Well, Poppy, we do have to wrap it up. I have to let you go, but I can, I could talk to you for a hundred years. I feel like I could same. You're delightful, like just truly a treat.

I do. Oh, do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, yes. So my new movie Space Cadet is out on Amazon Prime right now. It stars Emma Roberts, written and directed by the wonderful Liz Garcia. And it's kind of like if Legally Blonde was about NASA. And your heroine and her best friend, me,

are Florida girls. And I'm also seven months pregnant the entire movie because I actually was in real life. How fun! Your child is in a movie inside of you. That is so fucking cute. I know. Forever you can be like, that's you. You were in there and other people got to see you.

That's so cute. Give them an IMDB credit. Ha ha ha ha ha. Give that baby residuals. Give that baby residuals. Give that baby residuals. Jeff Bezos. Ah. OK, Poppy, I ask all my guests this.

Sometimes I forget. But for the most part, I do it. Would you date me? Yes. I would marry you. I'd put a ring on that finger. Yeah. Poppy, thank you so much. I love that. I'd put a ring on that finger. Yeah. Happy, thank you so much.

I love that. I'd be your little trad wifey. I don't know how to cook, but I would just bounce around in the kitchen and, you know, grind up millet or whatever trad wives do. That makes me so happy. I love this woman, Nara something, who's on Instagram, who's a trad wife.

But then I found out all of her shit is stolen from other content creators from like South Africa and whatnot. That makes so much sense. Uh-huh, down to the voice. Down, she stole her like, and my husband, Maki and I ran out of toothpaste. Yeah, this South African woman,

like kind of like whisper talks like that. And so there's- Lucky and I ran out of toothpaste. Yeah, this South African woman, like kind of like whisper talks like that. And so there's- She steals from one person or multiple? No, I believe there's two people. I don't have it pulled up on my phone right now so I could give you all the juice. But the, so she made boba tea and she was like drinking it,

but the straw wasn't big enough for the little boba balls. And the woman who she stole that recipe from made a response where she was like, but in mine, my straw can suck up the boba balls. Like, it's just, there's a whole thing going on and I love it. And then someone found her old stuff. Someone found her old stuff where she was not dressed

the way she was dressed, where she was not making things from scratch, where she was just like frying and sauteing vegetables and olive oil. Poppy, it's a whole juicy thing. Get into it. This is literally, this is the rabbit hole that I will be going down.

Okay, I'm obsessed. I have to let you go. Poppy, thank you so much for being here. Thank you, Nicole. Love you. Love you, bye. Bye. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me,

you can like, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com, I will read it. Okay. Um, this person says, I meet you at a snazzy L.A. party I'm hosting.

You have no clue why you were invited. I tell you that there is someone here dying to meet you. You fill in the rest and lean in for a demure kiss. I gently push you away, not me, him. You turn and see a long shadow in the doorway. I click, ah, I click on a lamp, not an overhead light, as I don't want to startle him, so you can see that it's Dummel Gleeson

waiting for you in the doorway. Oh my God, I'm horny. He greets you, and it's lovemel Gleason waiting for you in the doorway. Oh my God, I'm horny. He greets you and it's love at first sight. You follow him to Ireland where he teaches you a new love of potatoes and you enjoy all the different varieties of shapes and flowers while teaching him a thing or two about the new ways to prepare the humble spud. But one day you are standing in the house,

staring at him, tending to a field, and you realize that you miss your friends in your career. No amount of, ha ha, no amount of potatoes or hot Irish cream, ha, are worth giving up everything you worked for. So you break up sex in the muddy field, promising that whenever you smell rain, you'll think of him. He promises that whenever he eats a potato, think of you.

You go home sexually fulfilled and realizing that love is a compromise and you're always gonna be the person with more to offer. And then you go at yourself with a massive vibrator while listening to Josie A. Josie-er? Listening to Josie A and realizing that the UTI from the Muddy Field Sex was not worth it.

Honestly, this was not nasty. This was delightful because what a beautiful fantasy, a true treat, a real dream come true. Thank you, bye bye. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco,

with talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question? Crazy dating story? Or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywon'tyendatemepodcasts at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. future show.