Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dating Fans (w/ Mike Mitchell)

Episode Date: March 2, 2018

This week Mike Mitchell (The Birthday Boys, Doughboys, Love) is on the show to get his Tinder profile rated, discuss whether they would date fans, and why he doesn't like sharing a bed in a relationship. Things get real in this episode - you won't want to miss it. Subscribe to the Doughboys Podcast! Play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

why won't you date me why won't you date me why won't you date me please tell me why Oh boy, it's me, Nicole Byer. And this is my podcast. It's called Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where I try to figure out why I'm so fucking single, even though I'm like, truly, I'll suck your dick for days. I'll back that ass up. I will do so many things to have a boyfriend, and it's just not working. Anyhoo, my guest today, ooh-wee, what a fucking treat.

I love him so much. We've done improv together. He's on a sketch team called The Birthday Boys. They had a show on IFC. He's on the show Love on Netflix. He's just the best. His name is Mike Mitchell. Hey.

Woo, woo, woo, woo. Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch. Thank you for having me. That was the best intro I've ever had in my life. It's great. Mitch, thank you so much. Of course. For being here. It's a pleasure. You're one of the funniest. You're one of the greats. Oh, Mitch, you're one of the greats. Mitch and I recently did an improv scene together that made zero sense, but was very funny. I agree. That, you're one of the greats. Mitch and I recently did an improv scene together that made zero

sense but was very funny. I agree. That sounds like a lot of them. So Mitch, are you single right now? Yes. Yes. And are you on any dating apps? I am, yeah.

Yes. Are you on Tinder? You're on Tinder, Bumble? Yes, I am on Tinder and B you on Tinder? You're on Tinder, Bumble? Yes, I am on Tinder and Bumble, but I don't really look at them too much anymore. Why? Have you given up? I don't know. I don't know if I want to. I have gone on dates, and recently I've gone on dates, and I've dated.

Do you really want a relationship? Do you want that? I do. I've come to a point in my life where I would like to, so, okay. I don't, I'm not down on the whole, like, oh, I have to like call and text someone every single day. Yeah. But then I think it would be nice to have someone call and text me every single day. Uh-huh.

And then, yeah, like, it would be nice to be like, oh, Friday night, I don't have to, like, make plans. I could hang out with this dummy that I'm dating. Or, like, I'm horny. I can fuck this dummy I'm dating. Yeah. So I got a question for you. When you're using those apps, you don't go out on multiple dates? I feel like everyone does.

I do. Okay, yeah. What do you mean? Like, that's the weird question of, like, are you, like, officially seeing someone? Oh, for me, if we go on three or more dates, I'm seeing you. I got you.

But I'll go out on another date with somebody else, too. But if I'm, like, truly feeling you, me, myself, I may stop seeing other people. Yeah. And then if it's, like, progressed more than, like, a month or something, then I'll bring up, like, hey, are you still, like, dating other people? And then if it's like progressed more than like a month or something then i'll bring up like hey are you still like dating other people and they're like yes i'm like oh okay this is more serious than it is i i i'm like at the i i i get what you're saying too but i feel like i'm at the point where i want to make sure that this is someone like i really

am invested in and like so that's my thing right now is like i'm like but you know what i'm very weary of everyone so it's hard it's hard and also i like to be alone i figured that out recently oh you do like to be alone i like to be alone i like to i like to have a big bed to myself it's great i don't i don't want to share a bed like sharing a bed you know what i mean like like when i first you when you first meet a girl or something or a guy and like my stomach hurts because like i like like i'm afraid or nervous or something and don't want to go to the bathroom in front of them yep yeah you don't want to take a shit in front of you know i don't person you're trying to you

don't want to take a shit around them. You're holding stuff in. Your stomach hurts. Then you share this bed and it's a tight space. And then you can't fart. You can't fart. Yeah. You can't fart in your bed. You have to like get up. You have to get up.

Go to like the kitchen to fart. Yes. Yes. That's terrible. Go into the kitchen to fart. Like, and then like you go to the kitchen to turn on like the sink to fart or something. Like it's, they're like, why did you go to the kitchen to turn on the sink to fart or something. They're like, why did you go to the kitchen at 4 a.m. and turn on the- I'm just like, I don't know.

I needed to hear the water. Yes. Yeah. And my place, you can hear every room. It's bad. Yeah, I do. And I got two cats. They sleep in my bed.

I don't know. I like my own bed. I like my own bed, and I like to sleep. I need my sleep. What size bed do you have? I got a queen size bed Maybe you gotta get a California king I might have to get a California king at some point I think I need a king size bed

I have a full size bed right now No That's so bad What the fuck I know First of all I think we figured out this whole show i'm single because i sleep on a full-size i think you need to get that king-size bed i think it would have i think it would help well at least it's not a twin bed here's why i have well yeah

if you had if you bought a twin you imagine california i would be a sociopath if i was like i would just sleep on my twin bed with just me. Have you ever have you dated anyone out here who's had a twin? I like I can't think of anyone who's had a twin bed. No, I haven't had anyone out here with a twin bed. I think, you know, I think I think I know two people who might have a twin bed. So I shouldn't say. Really?

Well, they're a sociopath. Both of them are crazy people. I fucked a dude in New York who had a twin bed. He was doing a terrible obama impression and i was like i'll go home with you and i was on top of him he's like let's switch and he was like you know trying to get it in it was not working because he was not hard he was just trying to like mash his limp dick in me yeah yeah and he was like move i was like what he's like move so then i moved and then he just started power puking into the bed oh my god it was awful and then i was like, move. And I was like, what? He was like, move. So then I moved. And then he just started power puking into the bed.

Oh, my God. It was awful. And then I was like, oh. He was like, don't look at me. Was he doing this all in an Obama voice or no? I wish. I wish. No, he had transitioned to his own dumb voice.

Yeah. And then I lost my bra. Like, I was getting dressed too quick. And I left my bra there. And it was my good bra like I was getting dressed too quick and I left my bra there and it was my good bra it was lost before you were getting dressed too quick like that sounds like zany cartoon like a cloud

of dust was around you as you were throwing stuff on oh no I gotta get my clothes on I mean kind of I kind of live my life like a cartoon anytime I'm moving I'm moving too much. I know this about you. Here's what I have to say about all this.

You don't need a relationship. You don't need one. Sure. No, I don't. But I want one. I'm tired of fucking different people. I was fucking the same person on and off for a while and it was nice because i knew what he liked he knew what i liked it was great he just was a bad he was bad to me and i would like someone who's good to me who knows what i want yeah i want

someone to fucking uh press on my butt when they fuck me. Just to press on your butt. You can find that easy. I think anyone would do that. Yeah. But I want someone to come back for seconds. It's depressing when you sleep with someone. You're like, oh, I think I might like you. And then they're like, bye bye.

I don't want it. Yeah. I mean, I'm guilty of that too but the last and but and i gotta say like a lot of that can can come from weird so you know what i mean like can come from weird places and like like i i it's it's hard it's it's very hard to date someone and feel comfortable with someone like always for me and and i feel i would i would like to hope that a lot of those guys aren't just trying to like fuck and then take off but i'm sure that some of them i feel like all of them are and then even the ones that and then i feel like dudes do this weird thing where i can very much disconnect sex and love.

I can fuck someone that I don't love or even like. Oh, wow. And I don't need you to... So I fucked this dude recently, and then he walked me into my car and then hovered, and I was like, this is never going to go past this, and I know it.

So why are we pretending? You don't have to like console me. I'm fucking fine. But, okay, so he, did he want more out of it,

you think? I don't know, but he like walked me in my car and was just like, hey, this is nice. Like, just talking too much

and I was like, bye, and I had like rolled down my window because I was like, what are you saying? What is this? I'm done. I'm finished. You are out of me. I am going but those see that's some of the same so you're you you've done the same thing before in your life yeah but like i knew that

he wasn't gonna call me yeah so like why are we pretending that you're gonna call me like why are we pretending that it's gonna go past a one night stand yeah i don't know it's i think it's ultra i think people get in their heads we Yeah. I don't know. I think it's ultra. I think people get in their heads. We're all weirdos is the issue. I guess so. And like I had slept with someone and it was like one time and then we and then like didn't hang out with them again. And I felt very bad because I was in a bad place.

And I liked that person. Like I was like, I was like, oh, I would have dated that person. And I got hit with ghost. I was I was I got a ghost. She said, you kind of ghosted me. And I felt terrible about it forever. You should. Ghosting people is terrible. Because I don't know you, so you can't hurt my feelings.

If some dude was just like, we date, date, date. Or even if we fucked and then he was like, that was great. This is never going to happen again. I would laugh. I would laugh so hard and be like, great. I'm glad. I'm glad you said that.

That's what, see, but I, I didn't even intentionally ghost. I just feel like I was like depressed at the time and I liked that person. And I feel like that there's so many factors. There's a billion factors that go into it, but also you shouldn't want to date anyone.

You should be single. You should just keep having, you're funny. You're young. You should be single. You should just keep having. You're funny. You're young. You can do whatever you want to do. Thank you. Yeah. I just want consistent dick in my life.

I want to wake up, roll over, and be like, let me have it. And I want him to go, okay, yes, please. We were on an improv team together like you said and you definitely I think had the the strongest sex drive of anyone uh yeah I feel like I generally have the strongest sex drive just in general I think mine is like a blip above zero so you don't need to have sex uh i mean you know this i was a late bloomer and yes so i was a late bloomer and i was always frustrated by it i've always i've always been frustrated by it and then i think that like a lot of that stuff of like oh i like i'm kind of like putting my toe in the water or something i think a lot of that comes from

being like oh this has to be the perfect person. But this is something that I've been trying to unlearn is like, oh, you can't, especially right away, you can't be expecting to have the perfect, or not perfect, but the ideal person or whatever. I feel like we put people on pedestals too. You're just like, I want this person to be perfect. Oh, this person came about. Oh, they're fucking perfect.

And then they disappoint you. You're like, oh, want this person to be perfect. Oh, this person came about. Oh, they're fucking perfect. And then they disappoint you. You're like, oh, well, that sucks. Yeah. So you, do you have better, do you do better online or in person meeting women? Hmm. I don't know. I can, I can text pretty well on them. I don't, I feel like when I, when I, I don't know, I can text pretty well on them. I feel like when I...

I don't know. I can talk to someone. But then I feel like over the course of time... There's a few different things I feel like in our world. One is that you're busy and have a weird schedule always. And I feel like that has been kind of a pain in the ass lately. And then when I'm outside of that I do like I said I like to be alone

so that's so those are two big annoying things with me so why are you dating someone if you like to be alone I don't know because I don't want to be alone forever you know what I mean like yeah that's like a double edged sword because I like being alone but I don't want to be alone forever

I don't want to be alone forever I mean that that's like a double-edged sword. Because I like being alone, but I don't want to be alone forever. I don't want to be alone forever. I mean, that's kind of what's in my head. But I have wrestled with where I'm like, oh, maybe I should not date anyone. Maybe I should just kind of. And I would be okay with that. You can always. Nicole, you can always masturbate is the thing. You can always masturbate.

But I will say this. I like the pressure of someone on me and that you're gonna get you a gravity blanket what the fuck is a gravity blanket it's like one of those blankets like i think from like that they use like in space that like is like uh that weighs like they weigh like they weigh like 20 pounds or whatever. So I could get a gravity blanket and then like a sex doll and then be like, this is my boyfriend. This is great. That works. Why not? I mean, I feel like people, it's just so tricky.

And I don't like dating around. You know what I mean? And I feel like if it's, i want it to be someone who i really like and and that's and that's what i've that's what i've tried to figure out so it's very hard to find someone that you like i mean i'm truly on the men are trash train yeah hey get get all aboard women are also pretty trash lately worse yeah women are bad but like i just men just be assaulting and stuff and it's not it's awful yeah but i that being said i want a boyfriend like i want i want a man i want a big old dick and i want to get railed every night that's like what i want yeah and then i

was like maybe i should just like hire prostitutes but then i was like sex maybe I should just hire prostitutes. But then I was like, sex is free. Yeah. It's a free thing that anybody can do. Yeah. So paying for it, it's not even a moral thing. It's just like a, well, I don't like paying for water as is. So water's a necessity. We all need water.

Yeah, I was going to say, that's the thing. You said that you can't, I mean, I know that you can get laid easily. Yes. Which I think that I always found it difficult to do that. For a very, very long time, I thought it was very hard. I feel like all anyone would have to do is- When I was younger, yes. Is see you do a show, and then you could have your pick of any of these little tricks.

No, that's not really how you, I feel like- Are you sure? No, at least I never take, I I mean I also feel weird about stuff a lot like I don't wanna I don't wanna feel like that like for like

I feel like there's like friend boundaries and then like okay things with shows and stuff like that yeah but if it's like a not friend

just like a fan who sees a show and she's like oh my god you're so funny I've never gone home with someone like that in my entire life. Is it like purely on principle or because it's happened?

You've been hit on after shows. Yeah. I don't know. It's kind of strange, right? I don't know. Like it is. It can be weird. Yeah.

And I do feel like a lot of the audience members are like younger. Yes. They're like, oh, this like young person is is feeling me and also like i feel like a lot of the times when it's someone who will do that i'm like this person seems strange yeah you know that i'm right on that yeah yep there are a lot of weirdos who see shows but i'm very thankful that they come out i want you to look at my tinder okay and i want you to let me know what you think wow this is like god handing over your tinder is like i am oh boy i just got a message that says and i've got a fat cock so but what does that mean so what is that in response to something in your profile? You'll see.

All right. I think your first picture is great. Thank you. Oh, also, if you want to see what Mitch is seeing, you can go to my Facebook fan page, and I have the pictures of my Tinder and Bumble profile up there. It is Nicole Byer Comedy, and it's on Facebook.com. The second part in your profile makes me laugh because it says you're less than a mile away, which is right. You're in my hands, literally.

That would be creepy if it said in your hands. I love that you said I'm less than a mile away. I am in your hands. Can I say what's on here? Yes, please. So it is an response. I knew you said I got a fat ass. So if you're not into it and then you have the have the wave goodbye hands uh which is funny i like that um and then this this second line is very

like um i like it it's just it's very sincere um i like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh it is life is so long 30 days in a month that's just that's just it's a very nice honest thing i feel like thanks and then dtf down to figure skate or fuck or farm or fly a kite whichever is easier i like that a lot one interest your one interest is your show that's your one interest i think it's because it's linked to my Facebook page. I think all your pictures are great. And I, like,

I think, I think all your pictures are great. I think you look great in each one. Thank you. I think it's a, I think it's a, yeah, it's a,

like I, I put up pictures. I feel like that sometimes I don't, like I need to change some of my pictures. Cause I'm like, this is like five years old. Can I see your Tinder profile? No.

What is this? Is this a trick? No way on earth. Can I see your Tinder profile? No. What is this? Is this a trick? No way on earth. Let me see your Tinder profile. No. Is this a trick? No way on earth. Mitch has said no.

Is this a trick? But pulled his phone out. I am not. This is. Look, like you said. Do you hate this? You don't have to show it to me. It's fine.

Are just my profile or what? I'm not going to go through your messages. Okay, hold on. That's wild. That would be so inappropriate. This is my picture. Aww. This is the best I'm going to give you.

You look cute. Show me another one. But I feel like I'm fatter even. Mitch literally won't let me hold his phone. You feel like you're fatter now? Yeah, and then there's one that I put that I was like, this is a cute picture of me, probably my last one, but I'm too thin in it. I feel like I've got to update with some fat photos.

But I don't know if girls want. You look great. Yeah, thank you. You're nice to me. And I think your first picture looks like you. Yeah. And then my profile is nothing. I literally didn't fill out anything.

It says film and television and then Upright Citizens Brigade under it. Oh, get that out of there. I know. I don't even know why that's in there. That under it. Oh, get that out of there. I know. I don't even know why that's in there. That's terrible. Oh, probably because it's on your Facebook. Show me another picture. Show me that last one of you being adorable.

See, but you're going to say like, oh, you were thinner. I think from that picture, you know you're a big boy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. Like you're not lying to anybody. Yeah. There's no doubt that I'm a big boy.

Yeah. There's no like overhead shots of you like you know like glamour shots of it duck facing yeah duck yeah duck lips and god who are we you know the duck lips i know no wonder why we don't wear beaver hats and i don't know we're not dating because we're a hundred years old uh very old people who like being alone i want to swipe on some people for you please do is this real i can really swipe absolutely can and please describe them as you swipe okay let's see here all right you're gonna push the tint the little flame you have a little flame yes okay this guy i'm not gonna oh gross he can get out of here

he looks like one of the okay elliot seems like a nice guy okay the guy that mitch swiped no on had glasses and a hat and he was on a hiking trail and looks like one of the... Okay. Elliot seems like a nice guy. Okay. The guy that Mitch swiped no on had glasses and a hat, and he was on a hiking trail and looks like he just murdered somebody. This guy also looks like he hikes, though. I don't know. Okay. The one with the sunglasses. How old is he? He's 23.

23, sunglasses, he's in a car with a friend. Yeah. What do you think? Why not? Why not? This could be a fun one for you. Sure. I'll get in a convertible.

It's a match. You match. I match with everybody on Tinder. Why not? This could be a fun one for you. Sure. I'll get in a convertible. It's a match. You match. I match with everybody on Tinder. I feel like I get all these. All right. Rick is kind of... I guess it's just their first name.

Yeah, it's fine. Rick. He's a guy who works out. He's got a car. Okay. He looks like he might kill you. No, Rick will definitely kill me. Yeah, he might kill you.

Rick literally has a menacing look into the camera. He's wearing a black tank top. Don't ever swipe camera. He's wearing a black tank top. Don't ever swipe right on a man in a black tank top. All right. We have a guy here, Armand. Ooh, Armand. He's got a picture with, what's her name, from Beverly Hills 90210. Oh, I know Armand.

Oh, do you really? Yes. He's an actor. Yes. She's an actor. Yes. She's the president of SAG-AFTRA, and he's a part of SAG-AFTRA in the elections or something. Wait, really? He was elected to something. Yeah, I know Armand.

Should I not swipe right? No, swipe right. Let's see if we match. No match yet. Oh, wow. Armand, what the fuck? That, honestly. Okay, so when you see people you know, do you swipe right on them?

Yeah, I do. Like I said, I don't really use it too much. Oh, God. All right, yes, the answer is yes. I do a lot of the time. Whenever I see someone I know, I swipe right on them just to see if they swiped right on me. Then that is a weird thing because what if one of you does genuinely like each other? Then we can talk about it and it's fine because we're both adults.

That's true. I really subscribe to the school of like, I'm an adult. I'm going to say what I mean. I mean what I say. An email just popped up about your Amazon.com order of Perrier sparkling water. Fancy stuff, Nicole. I'm a real bougie bitch. Also, my dog is a vegan.

I get him vegan food. Oh my god, what's happening? Okay, here's the reason. It's because his dog food, whatever I was feeding him, it made him really itchy. Oh yeah, I've heard of this before, yeah. Yeah, the vet was like, it's something in the food. You could

give him meat different meats to see how they affect him and i was like i don't have time for that you're now a vegan or a vegetarian he eats some animal byproducts he eats better than i do i would he eats better than i do i'm gonna sneak into. I'm going to dress up as your dog and sneak into your house. Honestly, if you did that, it would be such a treat. All right, Prince. Yes, you swipe right on people named Prince. Cuffing season is here, and I'm still single as fuck. Cuffing season makes no sense to me.

Do you know what cuffing season is? I think it's like the fall or winter. Yes, it's cold, so you get somebody to fuck until it's summer. I feel like I've always, even like when I like didn't, like couldn't date anyone and I was a failure. Like I feel like even in like the fall and winter time, I would do better. Because I'm like bear like. And I feel like they're like, I'm going to like settle down for the winter with this guy. I'm going to get warm with this man.

Exactly. I hate, I hate, I don't like the summer out here. This guy also says, let's hit the beach, which for me, I don't know if I would like that. I don't want to hit the beach. Yeah. I'll go to the beach once or twice. I think he's a good looking guy. The first picture of him is not great.

No. But hold on, hold on. That's heavily filtered. And then here's him. He's in the red there. Oh, that's not that bad. He's not a bad looking guy. That's also like a filter.

Too many filters means you're hiding something. He's abs on him no i don't want that and he looks like he's in some sort of boy band yeah you gotta swipe right on that he he and all his friends are in all white all right he's getting he's getting swiped right and then this guy's well i kind of want to swipe right on this guy right off the bat he looks sad so sad christopher has his hand his head in his hand and a just a giant frown what does his profile say i'm the saddest little boy in america let's go to a cafe and talk but not for too long because i get tired i'm gonna swipe right on this guy he's not a bad looking guy nicole what are your age filters on this

a 57 year old man just popped up on this it goes from like 21 to 70 oh he's he looks like kevin bacon he does kind of like kevin bacon His last picture is a young pic of him. Okay, he's gone. Did I match with that sad man? Not yet, but- Oh, I'm so sad. I feel like it's so tricky, though. I feel like sometimes you will.

It is tricky. Sometimes you match with people later. I really hope I match with him. All his pictures were so sad. I want to go to a cafe and talk, but not for long, because I get tired. Oh, what a dream. This guy's like, all right, have I swiped enough? Should I stop swiping on people?

Wait a minute. That man's picture's insane. Yeah, I don't think that's a great one. So this man has like a glamour shot. Yeah. Maybe it's a picture of a picture. Do you remember that show MTV's like Fear? No.

I remember like they'd go into hospitals and they had like cameras on their necks no and like they would be like scared and they'd be running around like like old abandoned hospitals well then never mind i shouldn't have brought it up do you mean it looks like he has like one of those camera around the neck things no it was like called like mtv's like fear mtv's ghost I don't know what the hell it was. It was bad. Never ever heard of that. There was that one second of silence there was us handing the phone back to each other. Yes, we're both little fatties and we really had to rev up to lean forward.

Do you? Okay. So this has been a very good talk, but we have to take a break, Mitchie Poo. Oh, okay. Of course. And we're back. What a goddamn dream. I'm very excited to be here. I think things work themselves out.

I mean, you know what? I remember my dad said this to me. I think my sister was like, she brought me into it. My sister's like, we're losers. We're never going to have, like, we're our boyfriend

and girlfriend. Wait, how old is your sister? But she also said this a long time ago. My dad passed away five or so years ago. But this is probably like a decade or so

ago that this happened. But my sister is like three years older than me. But she was like, and my dad was like, it all will happen in time when it's supposed to happen. And I feel like that is true. And it's very tricky. And dating is very hard. And like you said, it's complicated and icky.

And there's so many factors. It's not whether just you like someone or you don't like someone. It's whether you're ready for it. But you don't need that. I know. I want it. Yeah. I have come to a point where I'm like, I'm a pretty complete person.

I like who I am. I'm happy with the body I'm in. I like what I see in the mirror. And I just want to compliment that. That's where I'm at right now. Would you have dated me, Mike Mitchell, back when we first met on Herald Teams? Yes, I would. I had a big crush on you. I was like, ooh wee, that Mitch. I would gobble him up. But now I like know you too well. Yeah. I was dating also. I was dating my ex-girlfriend at the time. I feel like you're always dating and not dating.

You're in a constant hill and valley of relationships. It's very hard for me to... It's hard for me... Yeah. It's hard for me to commit to a lot. I just have a lot of things that go through my head. You got a lot of hangups. Mitch, would you date me?

Here's... And I would definitely definitely but here's the issue is that we are we were friends and i can't like what like how would that like i would disappoint i mean this is how i feel a lot of the time i feel like i would disappoint you in like numerous ways you could say one i like to be alone two i'm not good at fucking as you say as i say i think multiple people many hundreds of thousands of people call sex fucking yeah no i know i'm just i mean as you say i feel like well why do you think you're bad at fucking but then also our relationship would be changed forever. You're right.

If we had sex, our relationship would have changed forever. It would be very, very different. Uh-huh. And I don't buy into the whole like, we could be friends. We could be friends after that. Yeah. Because I consider you a friend. And then if that's, I mean, like I'd still, but it would be different.

It would be a different thing. It would be very, very different. Yeah. Yeah, it would very much change our dynamic. I don't think we could be as easy breezy as we are together. Yeah. But that's nice to know that you would date me. I don't think, do you really think you're bad at sex?

I'm not great at sex. What do you mean? Has a girl ever been like, what was that? No, probably because I'm like apologizing beforehand and then afterwards too. You come and you're like, oh, I'm sorry. That probably the last time I came is I said, I'm sorry. Mitch, you gotta like enjoy. Do you enjoy sex or is that too real of a question

huh do I enjoy sex I'll tell you what I like better than sex food food yeah food beats sex I mean like

I feel like if it's like going I feel like if I'm like like feeling it and in the right mood then I can like I feel like I need to do

like make changes so that sex is more enjoyable for me sure and I feel like cause like and I feel like I need to do, like, make changes so that sex is more enjoyable for me. Sure. And I feel like, also, that's a big part of dating, too, is, like, feeling comfortable and stuff. And that can be tricky because, like you said, it's a different world and environment now and stuff like that. And if you're having sex, that can be a big commitment.

But then also some people don't think it is. Yes. But one thing is for sure is that it's definitely a factor in a relationship. Definitely, yes. And whether you feel good and connect or whatever. People like to fuck. And if the parts all fit or whatever, I feel like. But that's just a gross way to say it.

What? No, that's not gross. If the parts all fit. That's true. The parts have to fit. Yeah. Also, another reason I don't think we could date is I think we would, I had this, uh, same thought with Jacob Wysocki.

We would eat ourselves to death because neither of us would be ashamed that we're like, I'm going to eat all of this right now. I'd be like, oh, great, good. I'm going to eat this right now. And we would just sit and eat and play with your cats and die. With my ex, it was like, it would be like on Friday or something, a Friday night. And I'd be like, let's stay in and order Domino's, like a ton of Domino's. And then we would happily eat Domino's.

Like all night and like watch movies or play video games. And that to me, like, yeah, that's scary. And like, yeah, yeah, that's scary. Yes. Like, yeah, yeah. I know, but also, like, it's that funny thing of, like, do you want to be with someone who wouldn't do that? Exactly. Because then that sucks. Because then if I'm like, let's order a bunch of Domino's

and be nasty together. And if they're like, actually, let's, like, go for a walk. I'd be like, oh, uh-uh. No, that's the opposite of what I want to do. I feel like you get to be with someone who then on like a Sunday afternoon or something is like, let's just go for a walk around the block or something. That's fine. That would be fine. I could date someone who'd be like, great, I'll be a little fatty with you.

Yeah. And then like Sunday or like Saturday be like, hey, we were very fat last night. Yeah. We have to do something not fat. Yes. Okay? I feel like I- And we can be fat again tomorrow?

Yes. But that was the issue, is that I would be fat every- You're right. Maybe we would eat ourselves. We would eat each other to death. Because I- There is no way I'm ever going to go, all right, Mitch, we ate $200 worth of Domino's last night. Let's take a walk today

i would be like do you want to like double that order i don't know you and i did a fucking chicken nugget power hour that is true you me and gabrus and weiger just munching away on lukewarm chicken nuggets yes how many because i i gabrus ate gabrus ended up eating more than. He ate 62 or 63. He ate 62 or 63. And I tapped out right close to 50, I believe. He ate like 47 or something like that. Yeah, 47, 48. Wagger tapped out at like 30 or 20 something.

I think he was like maybe even like 20. He was like, I'm done. I tapped out at 15. I was so disappointed in myself. Yeah, what the fuck happened? I know. I think what had happened was i had not eaten mcdonald's in about two years and i hadn't eaten any fast food besides shake

shack and in and out in like two three years okay and i think that just like the the grease the mcdonald's grease was like just like a block in my, and I was like, I can't do it. I was so disappointed in myself. I'm saying this like I'm disappointed in you, but also like, that's good. It should have. You should have slowed down. You shouldn't have had more than 15. That's perfect.

Yeah, but ooh-wee. I used to love McDonald's chicken nuggets. Of course. I also used to love My favorite meal at McDonald's Is a double quarter pounder No pickles, no onions, no mustard Oh come on, leave it all on

No, I don't like any of that shit I don't want to eat a burger Where the bun is soft The meat's juicy And then the crunch of a pickle That's disconcerting It's like, what is this foreign object in my burger I hate pickles The meat's juicy and then the crunch of a pickle? Like, that's disconcerting. It's like, what is this foreign object in my burger?

I hate pickles. They're so fucking gross. I like pickles. And then you can't even take them off a burger because your burger is tainted with pickle juice. Oh my, you hate pickles? Pickles are fucking disgusting. Pickles are just old cucumbers. Maybe it wouldn't work out between us. There could be other reasons.

What, do you love pickles? If you were like, every time we got something with pickles on it, you're like, I don't want pickles on it. I'd be like, this sucks. Why? I want a pickle, lady. You could eat my pickles. All right. That's fair.

I would say, I don't want the pickles. Can you put them separate? Put them on half? Yeah. So he can eat those pickles. I mean, what is this scenario? We're sharing a big sandwich or something. I don't know what the fuck this is.

Anyways. Hi, uh, we're very big and we would like the biggest sandwich. Oh, we're going to eat it all night long and then try to have sex, but be too full. Yes.

That's another thing too. Being full. Here's, here's my question to you. Would you, would you date someone that was like because in my mind like someone who's like vegan or or like has like a very different diet for me i've thought about that before too i don't think i could date a vegan yeah i was a vegan for a hot

second and that's crazy for like a month it was bad actually i've been a vegan twice in my life i was a vegan in high school. No, sorry. Vegetarian because I drank strawberry milkshakes and ate french fries. And my parents fucking let me do that. And I was like, thinking back, I'm like, you guys wanted me to be fat. You wanted this. This life for me. It was different back then.

People didn't know as much. I guess. Also, you know what? It's just hard. Sometimes you just got to give a kid fucking McDonald's. It's hard back then. People didn't know as much. I guess. Also, you know what? It's just hard. Sometimes you just got to give a kid fucking McDonald's. It's hard. Yeah. And now that's like looked down upon like very much so.

Yeah, they're like, why can't you cook your child a full meal? And it's like, I don't know. I work fucking 72 hours a week because the minimum wage won't go up and there's no middle class. Yeah. And I don't want a kid. I mean, that's another thing, too. Do you not want kids? I don't know if I want one.

I don't know. I would maybe have one one day, but I don't want one now. That's for sure. I don't want kids at all. Yeah. And people keep saying, Nicole, when you get older, it's going to change. But I don't. The only thing that might change is if I hit 50, 55-ish, and I don't have a husband, I'm going to go to some orphanage and find the gayest kid there, adopt him, and then he'll be my travel companion and we'll be fabulous together. By the way, I don't know if you could just go to an orphanage and ask for the gayest kid in the orphanage.

I'm sorry. Which kid is doing the most? I want that one. Why not? Is can always politically correct I can't just ask for the gay kid hey you're the one who says it's a scary world out there give me the gay orphan please one gay orphan

I guess I can't do that that would be wild but that's honestly what I want just like a fabulous little boy just to travel with me and I don't want to like put him in school because i feel like the other children will taint him yeah i'll teach him what he needs to know homeschooled kid i'll teach him everything he needs i know i know very normal homeschool people but do you i don't yeah i don't want him to be normal i want him to be so fabulous that people are like, he's transcendent. Well, you can.

See, that's how I feel. I can adopt a child. I think that's what's going to happen. I think it's hard, too, but I don't know. Yeah. Like, I want a companion. Yeah. And my aunt adopted a kid more or less. I don't know if she wanted a companion, but she was like, I don't know.

I have my dogs. I think I want a kid. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, you literally adopted this kid because you wanted a companion. Like, I don't think you wanted to ever be a mom. I think you just wanted a friend. Yeah. And you grow a friend.

And you train that friend to be exactly what you want. You're still young enough that it doesn't, you're fine. Yeah. I don't think my eggs are nasty yet. Yeah. But, I mean, I don't really care. I don't want, I don't want. I don't think your eggs are nasty yet, but I mean, I don't really care. I don't want, I don't want. You don't think your eggs are nasty yet?

Yeah, your eggs get nasty and bad and you can't have no babies. I, yeah, I don't want to pass a baby through me. Like I'm not trying. I was a C-section baby. I think I was also a C-section baby. Yeah, there's no way this head is coming out of. You do have a big head. I have a giant head.

Have you always had a big head? I think so. I think that's part of the reason why I was a C-section baby. Fair. They were like, the doctor was like, we need to get this thing out another way. Oh, there is no way that baby's going to come out of your puss. He's going to tear your pussy up. I would love a doctor to say that to a woman.

Oh, wait, this baby's going to tear your pussy up. We gots to figure something else out. What hospital was my mom at at this point? I don't know. Hospital where Eddie Murphy played all of the parts. He was the nurse. He was the doctor. He was the anesthesiologist.

And then he's the baby that comes out of the vagina at the end. Well, if Birthday Boys comes back to IFC, I think we know what sketch we're going to do. We're going to do the sketch where you see a baby's head come out of a vagina. That's Eddie Murphy. That's Eddie Murphy. Oh, boy. His return to comedy. He's doing a Birthday Boys sketch.

A Birthday Boys revival on IFC. It probably won't happen. Are the Birthday Boys still birthing? It probably won't happen. Are the birthday boys still birthing? We would still do stuff together, but we're not an active sketch group. Fair. It's tough.

We've hung up our- Your sketch comedy wig? Our wigs. We've hung up our wigs. If you're listening and don't know who the birthday boys are, they're a very funny group at ucb uh and they have shit on youtube and are you guys on netflix is the birthday boys yeah it's on netflix you can watch it on netflix i would love it if you watch it because i get those 49 cent residual checks for my little part on the first and second season which actually i feel like it's probably a pain in the ass for you now to like those checks. No, I love them.

Okay. All right. Good. I love checks. I love money. I love money. I. That's another.

Hey, dating someone. That's a fucking. It's expensive. It's expensive. Dating someone is so expensive. I. Don't do it. Don't do this.

Don't. Don't do it. I want steady dick. I. I always. Do you pay for everything or do you go dutch i pay for everything really why i don't know i kind of insist on it why i don't know don't no no i always i i feel i don't i don't know i feel yeah i think it's nice to offer you know i could pay but if she goes oh no i can pay half let her Yeah. I think it's nice to offer. You can go, I can pay. But if she goes, oh no, I can pay half.

Let her pay half. Yeah. And it's not even like a women are equal type of deal. It's just like, why do you, why waste your money on something? One, two, if you end up together, everything is 50-50. You know what I'm saying? That's a good point. Her money is your money when you're actually together.

So like in the whole courting stage why do you have to pay for everything a hundred yeah is it is it an old fashioned thing that I'm doing that's like the gentleman should pay

it's a super old fashioned thing and it's honestly like on the first and second date like if you open a door for me then I'm like oh how nice but then it's just like if you stop opening doors

for me like oh that's all so fine yeah but as long as like you respect me and you're courteous to me as a person that's what i appreciate more i'm gonna provide the dinner i'm gonna provide the ride i'm gonna provide the condoms honestly i don't i never i never you never have condoms i never expect them to have condoms for me. Well, that is, yes.

Yeah, I know. I was joking. You should always have a condom. But I always slap out my female condom and suck it in my puss. Just shake it out and put it right in. I go, all right. Time to go. Time to get it in.

Condoms are bad. You know, hey, that's a plus i maybe for dating someone you don't have to use you can be you're a little more safe or do you always use them i don't know i don't use condoms if i'm like dating dating somebody because condoms are they're terrible yeah they're bad they're very gross i hate them they are gross they're they're gross yeah you're putting a fucking balloon on your dick and then putting it inside a person. They're so gross. Yeah.

But if you're having one night stands and you're bipping and bopping around town, you should always wear a condom. If you're bipping and bopping, let that be the note that we... If you have to sum this up, this episode, if you're bippin' bop, put the little balloon on your dick. If you're bippin' and boppin' around town, make sure you put that balloon on your dick. I think, yes. Yeah. If you're bippin' and boppin', you gotta. I agree with that.

Yeah. But they suck. They're bad. But also, I don't know. I'm just. What? Tonight, if I want to go home and play video games or something, I feel like when I'm dating. Now I'm just going to if I want to go home and like play video games or something I feel like when I'm dating like like now I'm just gonna sound like a child I guess but like like I couldn't I

can't sometimes you can't do exactly what you want to do yes and I like I like that freedom and you should you should love that freedom it's great why are you trying to get me on the train of trying to be alone I don't know yeah know. Yeah. And also, why am I? Because you, I mean, there's this podcast. I'm literally trying to figure out. Okay. Hey, Mitch, why do you think I'm single? Be honest.

Hmm. Yeah. Put that drink down and tell me. Why do I think you're single? Yeah. Be as brutally honest as you can be. Because I don't think that you want to settle for anybody. One. Oh, yeah.

Okay. You don't want to settle for anybody, which I think think is good i think a lot of people don't want to settle for for someone but then it can get tricky because like i said then you maybe your your your expectations are too high or whatever um i think that you are you're you're why you're wild and i think that i think that for like if there's like nerdier guys like me they might be intimidated by that so i think that some guys are intimidated by you maybe i tried dating one of your fucking friends and he wasn't having it yeah man i he was probably intimidated by you he was like oh golly gee whiz i can't i was like

i really wanted him to come on this podcast specifically because get him on he won't do it i'm not gonna say his name i know who it is no one's gonna say his name but we had a fight in a uber that i would love to hear his side of because my side of it is we took an uber to my house he was like we'll share an uber i'll we'll go to your house and then i'll take it to my house in my brain i was like oh yeah one stop my place yeah and then we get to my place and then i was like come on he was like no and i was like come on no and i was like why won't you fuck me and i would love to know what was going through his mind then but he won't he won't come on the podcast, so I'll never know.

Hey, careful. We live in dangerous times, like you said. Don't be yelling at this guy. Come inside and fuck me. Jesus Christ. I know. I know. But also, you guys kind of had a relationship, I thought, right?

No. No? No. You guys hooked up, though, right? No. Really? No. This is breaking news to me. I didn't no you guys hooked up though right no really no this is breaking news to me i didn't tell you we hooked up i thought you guys had hooked up i just thought you hooked up he said we hooked up i hope he says we hooked up this is this is surprising i wonder if we're talking about the same person we had a hundred percent talking about the same person. I feel like we are. No, we didn't. We kissed.

Yes. Okay. We made out. And then I was like, ooh-wee, baby, let's get that done. And then he was like, you move too fast. And then I was like, yeah, I want to move fast on your dick. Oh, my God. And he was like, stop it.

Make it stop. I'm going to write the person's name down and and you so you can see so i can see if we're talking about the same person no that's not who no did you you hooked up with that person yes okay yeah all right i thought so all right then put it down put it down here we made out we can just wait till the podcast is over but i want to know on air it's fun i want to know right now i will literally tell you in six seconds because we're wrapping it up okay all right fine okay do you have anything you want to plug which you should do too if you're bipping and bopping uh if you're bipping and bopping you gotta wrap it up with that balloon mitch do you have anything you want to promote? I mean, Love is on Netflix.

Yes. Birthday Boys is on Netflix. Yes. Any upcoming active projects I have? Oh, Doughboys. Check out Doughboys. Doughboys is great. Which, by the way, that's why we were having a chicken McNugget eating contest.

Oh, yes. It wasn't just me and my friends having a chicken nugget power hour we were doing it for a podcast called dough boys which is very funny it's on a rival podcasting network oh it's it's it's not that big of a problem all right fine that's how it's gonna be is great him uh mitch and nick weiger him mitch and nick weiger host it it's uh very fun i get to do it sometimes um this has been my podcast why won't you date me and if you like it please subscribe and rate it and if you rate it you can write a comment and if you comment hitting on me i will read it during a podcast so if you hit on me and you go oh girl i know you got feet take a picture of them toes i'll wait that's your go-to hitting on you what the fuck i'm trying to

think because i want them to be like nasty and how about like you look cute oh you want nasty ones yeah you're you do one usually i read them but i don't have any good ones uh of recent come on say something nasty to me hey nicole you look you look cute in that pic that's probably what i know mitch say something really nasty okay um i want to put icing on that ass why did i i think i just i also was in doing an impression of you basically the best part was like your face like you gave up midway through it was very funny i won to put frosting on that ass. So please. I'm in trouble. Something like that.

You're perfect, Mitch, and I love you so much. I love you too. Thank you. Of course. Bye-bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.