Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Do Men Not Respond to Funny Women? (w/ Joanna Bradley)

Episode Date: January 19, 2018

Joanna Bradley (UCBComedy, Saturday Night Live) joins Nicole to share some of their bad Craigslist hookups stories, discuss the challenges of dating as a female comedian, AND reveal the time they hooked up! You don't want to miss this one.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at:https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyAnd finally, check out Loosely Exactly Nicole on Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/looselyexactlynicole/

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Hi, I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where I try to figure out why nobody wants to date me. It's very sad, but also very curious and interesting. And my guest today is a lady who's super, super fucking funny.

I've known her for years. We used to perform together in New York. And she's wonderful, Joanna Bradley! Hello. super fucking funny. I've known her for years. We used to perform together in New York and she's wonderful. Joanna Bradley. Hello. Hi, hi, hi. How are you? I wish we could run at each other and hug each other when you do that. See, that would be nice if we could touch each other. But you're in New York and I'm in L.A. and we are G-chatting this podcast, which is very exciting and it was very high tech. And honestly, I don't really know how it was done. There was HTMI cables involved. Yeah, no, I can see you on the webcam.

You're covered in cables. It's like you're in a pit of snakes. I'm just wrapped in cables and I'm just hoping one of them will bite me so I could feel something. Jesus. Okay. It sounds very sad. So Joanna, you you're married, right? Yeah. How did you do that? How did I do that?

Yes. Oh, it's really fucking easy to get married. The government wants you to, so any idiot can get married. But how did you find your wife? How'd I bag the bitch? Yes. How'd you bag that bitch?

Um, you know, what's funny is, uh, I don't know. We knew each other for like a year and I was like dating someone else kind of on and off. Um, but always in the back of my mind,

knowing that like, that Kate, uh, my girlfriend was like, like extremely intriguing to me. And it took a few months to get out of that other relationship. And then, obviously, after that, a few months of just us hanging out. But I really don't know how I did it.

I think, like, I always say to her, like, I just needed to get on, like, one date with you because I'm really good in a room so I just like like she's an audition and you're winning over the casting director I'm really good in the room as long as you like get me in person yeah I felt like it was like a general like I was like I'm really good at generals but just get me on a couch with a water bottle um but yeah it was like a bar with a few beers. And yeah, by the end of the night, I was like, oh, I got this. And here we are four years later. Four years. Dang. So how long did you date before you decided to pull the trigger and get married?

We dated like, I guess by the time we got married, we were like a year and a half into dating, which sounds very fast. But I don't know. It wasn't like we, we were like a year and a half into dating, which sounds very fast, but I don't know. It wasn't like we didn't have like a proposal or any of that kind of junky stuff. We just had like several conversations about marriage and like the tax benefits and the insurance benefits and all those incentives that the American government provides you. And we just, it was like a very grown up conversation. And we talked about it probably from like, I don't know, like August until like November. We just had a lot of conversations and then finally decided to pull the trigger. So we did it like the day after Christmas in 2014 at like City Hall.

So you didn't have a wedding ceremony. There was no dresses, no tuxedos. I mean, we did get dressed up for city hall and, uh, yeah, like we both looked nice. Like she had a dress on and I had on like some cheap,

uh, like dinner, dinner blazer. Okay. But we later had like, we did have like a party later maybe almost a year later but I don't know that also wasn't a wedding either there was no ceremony it was just like our friends kind of giving like toasts and like a big like a lot of food and booze you know that's nice

how come you opted to not go a wedding route how come you didn't want to be like a bridezilla? I mean, you remember what I look like, right? Can you imagine me being a bride anything? Well, I don't know. I think a bride can wear a tuxedo and you looked so fucking good when you went to the Emmys. Ooh, baby, I saw that tux you were wearing. You had sunglasses on. Your hair was flowing. Oh, boy. Yeah, no, I can rock a tuxedo you just have to get it altered for a five foot four woman's body but yeah was that a men's tuxedo or yeah those are men's it was Tom Sweeney if you know men's designers yeah it was a pretty penny and then getting it altered I went to this like maybe gay guy down in Lower East Side this like

gay Latin guy who's just like oh you're going to look so good in this. Oh, yes. Oh. And I was like, all right. He was right. He told the future. Yeah. He knew what he was doing.

Here's a question. What? Yeah. Go ahead. You say it. No, I was just going to say we were both like pretty anti-wedding. That's why we like didn't want to do a wedding because, you know, they're so gay and lame and gross. Fair, fair. I kind of want a wedding, but I also don't think I'm ever going to get married. So I don't actually know what I want. Here's a question. Did you do online dating

at all? No, I never did that. I mean, I think when I was still dating, it wasn't quite what it is now. Everybody does it now. It's like not even embarrassing. It's like, oh yeah, we met online. It's normal. No, it's still embarrassing. I did once fuck someone from Craigslist. Oh, tell me about that. That was like maybe 10 years ago. So I was very young. maybe 10 years ago. So I was very young. I was like right out of college. It was maybe,

it was like 2008. And it was like a drunken night. Like I went on, I was just like went on Craigslist, you know how they used to, I don't even know if they still have these like personal ads, basically. They still do. And I went on,

they still have, they do. Oh, they do. Oh, they do. She knows. I peruse them sometimes trying to find someone normal.

And there's no normal people on Craigslist. No, of course not. Oh, my God. It was not a normal experience. It was pretty upsetting. But, yeah. There was, like, a one-night stand. And, oh, I mean, all I can say is, like, the night the night began with like a ton of drinking

and so wait so you contacted this person on craigslist and you were like let's go out for drinks i saw this person on craigslist and this person like wanted to like fuck it was like it wasn't about dating it was like do you want to fuck uh-huh. So we met like the next night maybe. And yeah, we met at like a shitty bar in Soho. And then I remember like we drank a lot of the bar and then she was like, oh, let's get like a six pack and go up to my place. And I was like, okay, we just drank like a hundred beers, but okay. She's like six more, come on. I'm out for this experience.

So we went up to her place uptown. And I don't know, it was one of those apartments, like she made a lot of money and she lived alone, but it was one of those apartments that's like, I can tell this costs a lot of money, but there's no like, there's nothing, there's no no on the wall warmth or heart to it yeah it's just like a big empty space with like a huge 50 inch like tv and like a bed um and i was like okay you have a weird life and i i don't know we had sex and then at the end of the sex she was like

she had like a bit of an emotional not breakdown, but like an emotional situation. I guess she was crying. I guess she was crying. Yeah, I guess she was crying, but she was kind of like holding on to me and like shaking at the same time. Oh, God! Yeah, it wasn't a great, needless to say, I never did it again.

That terrifying. So you're like in your early twenties. This woman was how old? I was like 22. I guess she was probably like almost 30. Oh my God. And she just makes money, meets people on Craigslist,

fucks them and then cries herself to sleep. Yeah. That's what happened. Oh, boy. That's awful. Did you leave or did you say? Yes. How did you get out of there?

What did you say? I let her stop crying. And then I think she got herself together and she went to the bathroom. And when she was in the bathroom, I was like, I got all my clothes on really fast. And then I was like, I got to bounce. It was like 530 in the morning. The sun was coming up. then I was like I gotta bounce it was like 5 30 in the morning the sun was coming up and I was like I should go home I can't stay with this

crying woman any longer yeah I mean I felt bad but also like we don't know each other it's not my responsibility you don't know that woman anything that's so funny though I can't imagine crying with a stranger but I guess that's how you do it you don't do it with people you know you find someone you don't know and just start sobbing and be like, I have a lot of problems.

Can I talk to you about it? Yeah, exactly. That's perfect. I haven't had anyone cry, but I've, I've had, you've never had someone cry? No, I've never had anyone cry, but I've had like people overstay their welcome where I'm like, Oh, you have to leave my house now. Please, please get out. Like one night stands who don't understand that it's a one night stand. I had one guy, it was like a one night stand.

We like hooked up and then my roommate was watching TV and then he was like, Oh, what's on the TV? And I was like, nothing for your eyes. Can you please leave? And then he like sat down and was like, Oh,

I know who Amy Poehler is. Cause I think we were watching And then he sat down and was like, oh, I know who Amy Poehler is because I think we were watching Sisters or something. How old was this guy? I think he was in his 30s, but he wasn't a comedy person. He was just some trick-off Tinder, and he just didn't understand that

I had no desire to ever speak to him for longer than we had spoken. Also, his dick one. Great. So it's like, get out of my house. Can I ask you something? Yes.

What is a dick that, what do you mean? Is like, you like, he couldn't fuck you. Right. Or do you mean literally it was like shaped stupid. It wasn't shaped stupid,

but like it was on the smaller side. And then he like, didn't eat me out or like, he like didn't eat me out or like he like didn't finger me well. So like it was a shitty dick. But then he also didn't do anything to compensate for having a shitty dick. I see. So you're sort of using shitty dick as sort of like a metonymy. Like the thing that stands in for.

Yes. You mean that as a euphemism for the sex is bad. The whole experience was very bad. Have you. Are you a euphemism for the sex was very bad have you are you a gold star lesbian no i'm not unfortunately unfortunately i only say i'm not unfortunately just meaning like it would be cool to be one not that my experiences with men were so horrific they were just you know very it's not what you wanted it's not what i wanted yeah which is a fair ordering a big meal and being like i don't want this i don't want any of this fucking food which has happened stick any of this in me yeah i don't want to stick any of

these french fries in me they're all hard and nasty looking okay i sent you um uh my tinder profile can you look at it yes yeah i looked at it for a second let me see here so the first picture of you i'm looking at is you're holding like a two foot dildo yes okay that's my first picture and do you think that's a good picture, a bad picture, or are you indifferent to it? No one could be indifferent to you holding an iridescent dildo the size of a fucking fire hydrant. No, I think, here's what I think about this picture. I think, like, it's very you. There's, like, even the background's super colorful. I think it says POW behind you.

And it's you looking, like, sassy, very pretty. The makeup's on point, as usual, blah I think it says POW behind you. It's you looking sassy. Very pretty. The makeup is on point as usual. Blah, blah, blah. You're very well put together as you know. I will say it's very Nicole. I guess what I would say is looking at all of these pictures,

they're all like, they're pretty much all a similar vibe, right? Uh-huh. Which is like fun party. Yes. Sassy, sexy.

Like don't stop, uh, you know, like celebrate fucking fun times. Don't stop. Celebrate fun times. These are all words that I'm into. There's never a picture with you like holding a cup of tea in your hand.

You know? Fair. Yeah. I don't think I'm a tea drinking kind of lady. But would you say that the pictures are a good representation of me? Yes. are a good representation of me? Yes, but remember, I only know you to a certain level.

I don't know intimate pajamas, no makeup, Nicole. So yes, I would say absolutely. Fair. You look like an incredibly fun, funny, confident, cool girl. So I think that's generally a good impression. Do you think I need a picture of myself in pajamas with no makeup holding a cup of tea to be like, sometimes I wind down? Not if it doesn't feel truthful to you. I mean, I don't know. Do you ever wind down? Have you ever in your life wound down?

Honestly? Have you ever just flopped onto the couch like watched a baking show without lipstick on? I would say very rarely. I am usually in full makeup. Yeah, if I like, I usually stay in bed if I'm going to not be in makeup. I don't want people to see me without my face on, which is an insane thing. It's very crazy.

My roommates will see me without makeup on. I don't think it's crazy. You don't think it's crazy that I like to be in full makeup? Okay. And what do your roommates do when they see you without, do they scream and jump off the balcony? No, I don't think, John has never screamed. But sometimes my titties will be swinging and he

doesn't like that well last time my titties were swinging i did climb on top of him and asked him to kiss me and he didn't like that uh okay so you assaulted him and he was against that okay yeah yeah i'm always trying to just assault john he doesn't like that i mean look at your your little profile blurb here it says always trying to have fun. Like, literally always. There's never a time when I'm not trying to have fun. That's Bumble. On Tinder. Oh, that's Bumble. Yes. Tinder says, I got a fat ass if you're not into it. Bye bye emoji. And then a lady just being like, whatever. And then it says, I like people with a sense of humor because life's too fucking long not to laugh. DTF, down

to figure skate or fuck or farm or fly a kite, whichever is easier. See, can I tell you something? I read that before DTF down to figure skate or fuck farm fly kite. And I was like, yeah, I could see Nicole figure skating and fucking. I am curious if there's a side of Nicole who has ever done anything like farm or fly a kite. I think the closest I've ever gotten to farming is I went to the Gentle Barn, which is an animal sanctuary and a pet cows. Oh, that's so cute. That's the closest I've ever gotten to like planting seeds in the earth.

Right. And that's not even planting. That was just petting animals. I mean, you don't have to do that shit at all. I'm just like, I am like, I think I get your flavor, but I always wonder about you. Like, is that just your most prominent flavor? And you have these other flavors that you only show to like certain people? Fair. I guess I could share my flavors,

all of my flavors. But then again, I guess I don't know what all of my flavors are. Maybe this podcast is revealing that I don't know who I am other than a performer who's fun. I don't know who I am other than a performer who's fun. I mean, you do perform a lot. I do. That is a thing. I perform so much. I know. All the time.

And you're great at it. Hey, thank you. But, okay, that's a good note to be a little bit more. I feel like this is a constant note that I get, to be a little bit more vulnerable. Uh-huh. Is that what you think to be a little bit more vulnerable. Uh huh. Is that what you think? Just a little bit.

I mean, look again, like I would never tell you how to be, it feels fucked up to tell someone to be more vulnerable on their fucking dating profile where everyone's just lying probably ever anyway. Right. Fair. But I think that's a good, but it's,

it's something that I would say, like someone looking at your profile would be like, I don't know. Like, can this girl go to another place with me? Or will she always vibrate on this one frequency? Fair. I do try when I meet people to not be as funny

on a first date or like as quippy or like do bits I try to be like because I'm trying right now to not date comedians I'm trying to date like normal people so I try to just be like hello I'm Nicole and not like hi

it's me Nicole so I'm trying. Man, it breaks my heart, though, to hear you say that you try to be less funny. I'm like, that's a fucking waste. Well, I would never want you to swallow a quip. Oh, well, thank you. But you're also a comedian. You do comedy.

So like you understand bits and sarcasm. Sometimes men don't. I was talking to this guy. We talked for a long, long time before we decided to go out. And he would say the craziest things. And I'd be like, wait, what? And he'd go, oh, just kidding. And I was like, oh, that's not a joke.

There is no hint of sarcasm or whimsy. You're just saying these weird things. And then he'd be like, oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how to do jokes. And was like well i'll teach you but i i taught him joke structure and then he stopped texting me back so you taught him joke structure yes i was like well if you're gonna tell a joke you have to set up the premise and then you have the joke and then maybe a twist and a punch or or you could do a misdirect. Where you say something and then it means something else.

And he, I guess, did not like that. Of course he didn't like that. He fucking sucks. Yeah, he did. He fucking sucks. He did suck. He just, like, didn't make... I was like, these jokes are terrible. And then he would just...

He was just saying insane shit and saying, just kidding? Mm-hmm. What a dumbass. Yeah, I did not enjoy him, but I was like, gonna go out with him. Oh, wait, one thing he said. Oh, so he had terrible pictures on his profile. So I was like, do you mind sending me a picture of yourself? And he was like, do you want he was like, only if I could send you a naked ones.

And I was like, no need for that. And he's like, only if I could send you naked ones. And I was like, no need for that. And he was like, just kidding. And I was like, that's not a joke because you were, I think you wanted to send me a naked picture and I don't need that. And he's like, no, I was kidding. You send me pictures. And I was like, no, I'm not sending you any pictures because my profile has all of the pictures you ever need of me.

Full body shots, face shots. And then he was like, then he made a, he tried to make a joke about how i was critiquing him and i was like well that's not a joke but also i am critiquing you so you don't have to make a joke about it so maybe i was the asshole i don't know is all of this transpired before you agreed to go on a date with him yes so much happened before we were like, all right, let's go out. And then I told him joke structure, and then he stopped texting me. Ugh. I mean, that

sounds like a fucking nightmare from the beginning, and I kind of I'm kind of like, did his picture turn out to be really hot or something? Why did you agree to go on a date with him after he acted like such a dick? His picture was not great. He did not seem very

attractive. He also seemed like he had a shitty personality, but I'm opening my mind, and I'm trying not to say no, because sometimes, most of the time, this is not true, maybe sometimes people are better in person. They never are.

I think I'm just in a spot where I'm desperate. I just want someone to love me, honestly. And that's it. Can I point something out real quick? Not to be a fucking therapist. No, you can. As soon as you veer into your explanation about why you're opening your mind and you're saying, I just want someone to love me and I'm desperate, you realize that you do it in suddenly like Nicole performer voice and you're doing it all jokey. Uh-huh. Oh. I know it's a hard thing to say and shit, but I just want you to notice that like, it's a very predictable pattern with you. As soon as you're saying something that is, as you said, vulnerable, you're like, I just want someone to love me. What are you,

as you said, vulnerable. You're like, I just want someone to love me. What are you, Liza Minnelli over there? You sound insane. Elijah with a Z. Yes, my mother Judy. And I guess, yeah, I guess I could stop. Okay. I would like someone to love me. I don't care. I'm just pointing it out. I don't care how you say it. I'm just pointing it out. I think it's good. I think you're the second person to say that I have had I have walls up so who said that this guy named Casey uh he said that I had some walls up because I told him I didn't want to cuddle when we slept together uh because to me cuddling is way more intimate than sex yes it is I at that stage of my life was not not there and I couldn't do it but now I'm working on cuddling with my therapist wait you and your therapist cuddle no yes me and Mary uh my session is I talk for 10 minutes and

then we spend 45 minutes just spooning each other and we alternate between big spoon and little spoon and then she'll gently kiss me on the forehead after our session and go you did good my little sparrow and then I drive home and I go what am I paying for no we talk about cuddling and talk about intimacy and how I have issues with that I mean I I would love to say like oh really but all of this feels like uh-huh yeah yep yep seems about right yeah oh boy i also sent you bumble messages yes can we let me look at those so on bumble i've had some pretty pretty uh unsatisfying responses nobody wants to respond to me on bumble and the whole thing about bumble is you match and then the woman initiates and then the men talk back but then it's like well why did you match

with me if you had no intentions of ever talking back it's not tinder you don't have to just swipe through everybody but anyway right right so like here's the thing. These are all... Like, your opening lines are... I think they're fucking great. They're all funny. Thank you. Right? I'm trying. They're all really funny.

I just think fucking men are sexist. And so, I mean, at least these dudes are. Because they don't want women to be funny. I guess they want you to open with like... Hi, I really liked your profile picture. That's some shit. Hi, I'm really nervous. I don't know what the fuck they want you to say,

but all your shit is the equivalent of, like, you know that now famous, like, Aziz Master of None thing that apparently men are actually ripping off on Bumble and Twitter and shit, or Tinder? What is that? I don't even know what that is. It's like in his most recent season, he has his opener on Tinder is he says to girls, hey, I'm going to Whole Foods. Want me to pick you up anything? Which is like very cute and like disarming. It's like a funny little joke. And now apparently real men are actually

ripping it off but i'm like okay so this is equivalently like all your shit is equivalently like adorable and like and funny but men don't respond to women who are funny i guess not well this is one i said to maddox maddox is a cool name and you dress pretty cool too. Is this a cool first message? Nothing. I mean, like I would think that's so adorable. Right? If a woman immediately had like a sense of humor in her first message to me, I'd be like, you're so cute. Right?

That's what I think. Okay. Asif. I said, okay. So Asif, two quick questions. The bear you're hugging in the first picture, did it kill you? Are you a ghost? I thought that was very funny because he's literally hugging a real bear in his picture.

Like a real bear? It was a very real looking bear. That's so dangerous. Right? And then I was like, not everyone can't be asking him about that bear. And if he's a ghost because that bear so dangerous. Right. And then I was like, yeah, not everyone can't be asking him about that bear. And if he's a ghost because that bear killed him, that's a funny place I went to. Also, he's the one who decided to put up a picture of him hugging a bear. So obviously he wants people to comment on it.

Right. That's what I thought. But then nothing. So then Jonah, Jonah had a picture of himself on a motorcycle. So I said, Jonah, hi, hello. Two questions. Would you teach me to ride a motorcycle? And how many other women have asked that?

Because I was like, I'm sure other people have asked. So let's talk about that. Nothing. So what do you think? Like, I also noticed, because I've never been on Bumble, but I noticed at the bottom of of this it says he has 24 hours to respond yes so bumble so it's a like a time clock on it so you message someone on bumble they have 24 hours to respond if they don't respond within the 24 hours your connection goes

away but you have to like is that possibly like the deal with any of these that like some of these dudes are just like not seeing like not seeing this shit fast enough it might be that they're not seeing it fast enough but then also it might just be they're like not into it but then it's just like so why did you swipe on me maybe because men are all about like that numbers game oh i guess so you know they'd be swiping with abandon i sometimes swipe with abandon it's it strikes me you do everything with abandon it strikes me that like that if i was a man and i was on an app that didn't put me in control that might frustrate me so i would just like swipe swipe swipe and then wait for the women to reach out to me and then make my choices.

Put the power back in my own. Exactly. Oh, how annoying. Here's another, what's another good one that I wrote? Oh, I wrote this one. How about this guy who responded to you, this Billy guy? Okay, so Billy, I said, quick question. Is that black child in your picture yours or borrowed?

He said, whoa, he's brown and he's my son so i said cool cool cool i'm glad that got cleared up otherwise it could have gotten real awkward and that's the only response i've gotten on bumble is i offended this man and his child it looked like a little black kid but why did he get so pissed and go whoa he's brown i have no idea but i he was just like don't call my kid black he's brown i guess his kid is mixed because he's not black colorist i guess i it was very confusing to me as to why he had that reaction and i was being cute because sometimes people have pictures in their in their profile and be like oh it's my niece it's my nephew or it's my cousin or whatever so i was like is it yours or borrowed which is like right that was your little cuter is like a cute way of you being like oh is that your son

like do you have a child yeah because that's a big that's like a big thing to date someone who has a kid i think so and then nowhere in his profile was he like this is my son uh whatever he's like four i i thought i was being cute but apparently i was being offensive and those people have very thin skin i guess so i don't know this is one that's like just inoffensive so this man was like i like activities which is a very broad thing to say on a dating profile so i said what other activities do you like bowling i have a hankering for bowling right now which i do i really want to go bowling i haven't been bowling in years that's good right yeah i mean, you know, it's very straightforward.

I want to just clarify that Billy guy, that's the one time that you or whoever the guy was. That's the one time you've ever gotten a response on Bumble? Yes. On Bumble, I just said. Bumble does not work for you. Bumble does not work for me. I guess me initiating doesn't work because all the conversations I have on Tinder are male initiated or female. Whoever I match with, they, they respond to me first or they like reach out first with me. I see. And I, so you, for some, your openers are not working. My openers are not working. And I've tried to be like, okay, maybe I won't make a joke in the beginning, but then I

don't know how to, I don't know what to say a joke in the beginning, but then I don't know how to, I don't know what to say to people in the beginning. If it's not like here, I'll make you chuckle for a second. And then we can have a normal conversation. I think that's really, that's a good strategy dating wise. And I think it's like a lot of men's strategy and it works for men really consistently. I also just want to say though, that is very interesting personally, if we're taking you out of the, like just the anonymous dating thing and just says, Nicole, the person I know, it's interesting to hear you say, I don't know what to say to people if I don't make them laugh first. Oh, I guess that's like a thing.

That's fine. I'm a comedian too. I probably do the same things. Yes, I make a lot of jokes on dates and stuff and it works for me, but I don't know. I do think you have a particular comfort zone in that area. But here's, okay. So if I go, how's your day? Isn't that the most boring thing you can ask somebody? And I feel like that is consistently the thing that is asked of me. How is your day? And I'm like, do you really want to know? I know you're just trying to start a conversation, but like, why not start it with something interesting or like. Yeah, that always strikes me as start it with something interesting or like yeah that always strikes me as a stupid question because it's like that's something you ask like your

girlfriend when she comes home yeah not a stranger not a stranger i'm not going on the subway going excuse me how's your day you you feel like this person's insane i don't want to tell them how my day get the fuck out of my face. Maybe I'll start with how's your day going? I mean, it might be like, definitely it's stupid. It sounds boring to me, but it might just be less intimidating for regular people. Maybe. It might get you more dates if that's what you want. On the other hand, like you could just keep doing what you're doing and you'll get fewer responses. But maybe you'll only get responses from people who are cool. It'll just take longer.

Maybe. I don't have time. I'm getting older. Okay. Let's take a break. And when we come back, Joanna, we're going to talk about how we hooked up. Okay. to talk about how we hooked up okay here's the time in the podcast where i reveal that we've hooked up oh baby we fucked it was delightful let's see if i remember correctly where were we okay so we were at a party at that apartment that remember like ben warheight and john trobridge and like all those other boys like on like had that like janky

piano yeah it was like this big party at their house that had like you know seven bedrooms and one bathroom with like pubic hairs all over it uh-huh i remember that and this was like four years ago yes and you were in town for girl code yes saw you at the party we were talking talking talking then there was like a vibe and i was like huh nicole byers giving me a vibe and i was like okay this was september 12th four years ago, because I emailed you on September 12th of this year and you said, we fucked exactly four years ago today. And I was so pleased that you remembered the date. I just want to say, if I remembered the day that I fucked you, it sounds a little bit

like I'm obsessed with you and like I have a collage of your face. Honestly, I would love that I would be so pleased but I knew no I just I have a very good memory and I knew that it was early September and then I remembered that there was this email from that night that we both looked at together so I looked up that email um but yeah we're at that party you were giving me a vibe then we like went downstairs to smoke a cigarette maybe and then you were like I think you were like so what's the deal you want to like do you want to like come back because we were flirting pretty hard and you were like trying to come back to my hotel and I was like sure and then I remember that I made a

joke about like oh haha like uh because you're like on TV now. Like, oh, they put you up in some hotel because you're on TV now. And you said, you better not be fucking me just because I'm famous. And I laughed and went, you're not that famous. How awful. This is funny. I've been talking to people that I've hooked up with, and they're like, oh, you said this awful thing. And I'm like, cool.

I'm a literal monster sometimes. But to be fair, I was pretty drunk. That is awful to be like, you better not be fucking me because I'm famous. Although I love that you were like, you're not that famous. And guess what? You're right. I'm famous. Although I love that you were like, you're not that famous. You're right. I'm not. And you're more famous now than you were then. Barely. But also, you know, I wasn't really your audience. I was like, I'm sure you're super famous with 16 year old girls. 16 year old girls do like me. And they like to tell me that they grew up watching me, which makes me feel so old.

Because I was like, it was only four years ago I started doing anything on television. So we go to the hotel. But you were a breakout star. So then we go back to the hotel, which was, I told John Millheiser, it reminded me of, because he was there. Remember, we saw him like a lobby? He was there. And I think he took a cab uptown with us

and then i said you have to go away and he said why and i said get out go get out of here he had to take the cab to wherever he went and he scurried off to some other other other abode um yeah the hotel was like it was so corny it looked like when you get on like a Virgin America flight and they had that purple like lighting and that stupid music. It was the dream hotel. That's what it's called? The dream hotel. Yeah.

On 54th, I think. Well, fuck you, dream hotel. You're fucking corny. Yeah. I mean, it made, I remember thinking like, oh oh it makes perfect sense that mtv is putting you up here this is such a fucking like viacom style they loved the dream i stayed at the dream to the point where like i should have had my own room and then sometimes they would just put me in the same room they're like your room's ready and i was like this room has no windows i don't want it to be my room but do you realize that like you're probably the only person who

or one of the only people who frequented the dream hotel to the point where like they probably when you came in they probably treated you like a vip they were like oh nicole byers here they did they once printed out a picture of my dog from Instagram and put it in a frame and put it next to the bed. And I was like, that's creepy. It wasn't even a good picture of my dog. It was a picture of him wet, getting shampooed. I was like, why did you do this? This is so bizarre to me. That was like the Dream Hotel's very cheap way of giving you like extra as a guest but they're not like a five-star hotel so all they can do is print out something from instagram i mean it was wild and then i told him it was creepy and then they apologized and i was like well you don't have to apologize it's fine

and then someone took it away and i was like you didn't have to take it away it was a whole thing uh so then we went to the dream we fucked it was delightful and then afterwards i think i emailed you and was like thank you for the sex no i think i did you did i truly think i emailed you and was like thank you very much for the sex oh i wish i had pulled up this email. Because I'm 100% sure that's what I sent you. Let's see if I can find it. Well, I can look through my email. Because I probably have like six emails from you ever.

So I'm sure it's in there. Oh, yes, you did. I did. September 19. So like maybe a week later. Yeah, I said. You did subject line. And then the body says, you licking my pussy. Yep, I enjoyed you licking my pussy.

I meant to send this a while ago. I meant to send this a while ago. Oh, and you gave me... Responded to you. Oh. You said, I too enjoyed the sex. Looks like you wrote this at 9 a.m., your time. So I'd like to imagine you thanking me for licking your pussy

with someone in the middle of your Wednesday to-do list. Buy paperclips, call to imagine you thanking me for licking your pussy was somewhat in the middle of your Wednesday to-do list buy paper clips call DMV thank Joanna for licking your pussy buy more makeup with glitter in it feed Charlie that's my dog you're the best also there's nothing more satisfying than doing it with you than laughing at you about something great

this is a wild thing like has anyone ever emailed you after hooking up to say thank you? Um, sure. Oh, really? So I'm not weird? No, I think that's a normal thing to do. Yeah, I've had, I've had things like that. Yeah, absolutely. Well, here's a question. How come you didn't date me? absolutely well here's a question how come you didn't date me oh god is that an awful question no i don't think it's an awful question but i think it what's implicit in it is like this erroneous assumption that it's all in my control as though like you were somehow trying to date me first of all you had just moved to la you like lived in la completely different life for me also remember we like didn't know each other

that well this is also a consistent thing in my life where i just hook up with people that i'm friendly with and don't get to know them first. Which is not a bad way to start. Yeah. I mean, we never really got to know each other. I remember you telling me that night that you had seen me like when I was first on Mod Night, which was like 2011. You'd seen me on Mod Night and been like, ooh, that girl's super cute. And I was like, what? and been like, ooh, that girl's super cute. And I was like, what? Yep.

So to me, I'm like, all right, why didn't you hit me up in 2011? You know what? I don't know. Oh, actually, I do know because up until recently, I did not hit on people or pursue people unless I was drunk or had a weird scheming plan. What's a scheming plan? So Will Hines, I wanted to make out with him. So I, at a party, was drunk and I told Keisha to ask him if he liked black women just to put it in his mind that a black woman was asking about him. So then when

later I was like, let's make out, he would be like, oh, that's the black woman. Like, just weird shit that I do. I don't ever do anything the way normal people do it where they're like, oh, that's the black woman. Like, just weird shit that I do. I don't ever do anything the way normal people do it, where they're like, oh, I like this person. I'll pursue them. I'm always like, I have to wait, hide in the shadows, put together a plan, and then I'll pounce. No, I think most people do what you do. They just lie about it.

Everyone's really bad at asking each other out. Wait, so you had Keisha go up to Will and say, do you like black women? Yes. Don't you think he maybe thought she was hitting on him? No, because Keisha's always in a relationship. Right. So it would have been either me or Sashir that she was talking about. And then I think Will just assumed it was me the way I wanted him to assume it was me.

I don't know. The whole thing really worked out the way I wanted it. Now you and Will are married, right? Now Will and I are married. No, we're not. And I had him on the podcast and I asked him why he wouldn't date me. And he said that he just didn't feel that spark. And I was like, fair.

Truly, that's fair. Wow, that's honest. Everyone's been like super honest. Okay, here, I'll be real with you. Let me be real with you. Well, there's some things that were not in your control. Like you were like one of the last people I slept with before me and Kate got serious. When you and I slept together, Kate and I had maybe been on like three dates.

And we really liked each other. And it was maybe like, maybe like a month and a half after you and I slept together that Kate and I were like, whoa, we love each other. We're together. And, you know, I haven't looked back since obviously. So there's that to contend with, which is like, you know, I was already cultivating this thing that I was like, Holy shit, this is going to Trump everything that I've ever had. So it's kind of like the, in like high fidelity when he calls, you know, asking about his ninth grade girlfriend and he's like, why'd she dump me for Kevin? And then he finds out that she married Kevin.

And he's like, Oh, I never had a chance. It wasn't about me. They were meant to be together. So there's that. But also, like, I remember, I think probably most of the time that you sleep with somebody, that a person sleeps with somebody, you probably for even like a second entertain the idea of like, huh, what would this be like if we followed this to its natural conclusion? So I certainly like that thought passed through my mind that night and maybe like the next day, like, huh, like Nicole Byer, what the fuck? Because you're not a random one night stand. You're like a person I was friendly with.

But I remember like maybe not even being able to articulate this, but having this instinct that you're a candid person. You're forthcoming about, I remember you talked to me that night about your life and some stuff about your family and shit. You are forthcoming with information, but I still always got the sense that you were like a rookie where intimacy is concerned. I could like feel that. And I remember thinking like, oh man, like I know this and I can kind of feel what stage you're at. I don't mean that to sound condescending, but I can kind of feel what stage you're at. I don't mean that to sound condescending, but I can feel like where, where,

where you were at in terms of how ready you are to like open yourself up to somebody actually. And I was like, I think we are in two very different spots because I was like a very, I was a very advanced player. Sure. Honestly, that makes a lot advanced player. Sure. Honestly, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah.

I don't know if that's still true for you, but that was the sense that I got. I would say if 10 was super ready to be intimate with someone and ready to really throw myself into a relationship, I'm probably at a six and a half. I haven't advanced that much in the last four years but i am trying i know you are i know you are i also by the way like this is not meant as a criticism like everyone needs to go at their own pace and you know i i can think of a hundred reasons why you would be a little slower on the

uptake intimacy wise, not a hundred, like five. Okay. I just think like, you know, I also think you and I are both performers or both comedians, but like we approach comedy very differently.

We've always had a very different relationship to our comedic personas. And so I don't know. I think it gets, it could get hard and complicated. Also, you are a little bit famous. That does make things complicated. I don't know if that's ever in the back of your mind, but I don't have to deal with that. When I meet people, I'm like, oh, either you like me or you don't like me. I don't have to think about like, you know, is there some ulterior motive? Well, when I, the way I go about it is I just assume

that a man or a woman, if they're talking to me, doesn't know who I am, uh, until they tell me. So I just try to just be me until someone's like, oh, I know your comedy. And then sometimes the first message from someone will be like, oh, I think you're super funny. And I'll go, thank you. And then the conversation ends and I'm like, cool. So you just match with me to tell me that you like me and then you don't want to do anything else. All right, fine. You're just a fan. Yeah.

Yeah. Like Aaron Jackson used to post these things on the Internet of there were like Grindr exchanges that he had where people would be like, hey, I loved fucking identical twins. And he'd be like, thanks. had where people would be like hey i loved fucking identical twins and he'd be like thanks yeah it gets me very weird when someone's like oh i like this about you oh i have no intentions of ever following through with this and you're like cool i don't know why we wasted each other's time can i ask you something else yes are you like are you dating women? Not like I'm not dating women, but I'm not like the door's not closed to that. I don't consider myself like incredibly straight. I think I'm fluid sexually.

I like sleeping with women. I like sleeping with men. And then I have both men and women on my like dating profiles. Because like if I connect with a woman I'm not going to be like oh I'm not going to go out with you because you're a lady it's like well I don't know it might be in the stars that that's who I end up with so yeah yeah I like the ladies you're very open I I yeah love is a very interesting thing and I try not to close doors to it. Intimacy, on the other hand, I keep that door slightly ajar, but pretty much closed. Well, it's eking.

It's eking open. I'm trying. Let me ask you one more thing. Yes. Okay. If you kept evolving and things worked out with somebody, like, can you paint me a picture of what it would look like? Like, what's your ideal of what it would look like? Like what's your ideal of what it would look like a couple of years from now?

And you're in this great relationship. What's your Saturday morning? Oh boy. No one, I don't think anyone's ever asked me that. Okay. So my Saturday morning, if I'm in a relationship with someone and I'm in town,

I guess I'd like to wake up and say, excuse me, can you fuck me? Thank you. And then we fuck and then we have coffee and then like we leave our house and do something. I don't know. I don't know what couples do.

I've never been in like a real nice long relationship. You got it. You nailed it. That's what, that's what couples do. I mean, that's what good do. I mean, that's what good couples, I mean, that's what happy couples do. Yeah. Yeah. I think that would, but also here's a weird thing. I like cannot imagine someone moving in with me and then I cannot

imagine having to like text or call someone every day. That sounds so invasive to like my space. So invasive. To like my space. I would like someone who is very busy and like puts me on the back burner. So like when I do it to them, it's okay. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship. That sounds awful. It doesn't sound awful.

Why does that sound awful? That I want someone to be like. You're ready for what you're ready for. To put me on the back burner sometimes. Well, that's what you can handle right now. You're also many hours a week do you work nicole a lot a lot uh this week seven days next week will only be five though oh i mean yeah dude i mean it might just be something that you need to like slowly work toward because it's, man, you're trying to build a fucking brand right now. Trying very, very hard. Trying very hard.

Yes. And you're having a lot of success. But like, yeah, that shit is, it's hard to do both at the same time. It is. Joanna, we have to wrap this up. I want to thank you so much for doing this. Do you have anything that you want to plug? Ugh, no.

I don't want to talk about my work. Do you have shows that you want to plug? At the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater where you perform? I mean, sometimes I perform on Saturday nights with my improv team, GOAT, but you know, that's just a little fun mess around.

That's the UCB theater in New York. It is what time? That's at, uh, that's at nine on Saturdays, nine on Saturdays. She's very funny. I think you should go.

And if you like this podcast, you can rate it five stars. And in the comments, you can hit on me. And if you say something awful enough, I'll read it out loud on the podcast. Here's an example. This man on Tinder, Michael, said, let's not wait forever.

You need to come get a spanking on your big, beautiful behind, girl. Or, like Jerry said, I want to take off your clothes. Let's see. What's another one? This man who I matched with on Tinder whose name is Y said let's fuck tonight so he cut straight to the point so get creative

anything you want to say I'll read the best ones out loud when I do the podcast thank you so much for listening thank you Joanna so much bye bye this has been a team coco production