Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Dominant Women (w/ Clark Jones)

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Comedian Clark Jones joins Nicole to discuss a wild hookup after a drug-fueled comedy show, the experience that turned him onto dominant women, and the story of performing stand-up naked. Plus, he shares his scheme of joining a ballet team in order to lose his virginity.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me Nicole Byer has been trying to figure out why I'm still single, even though you could come on my couch and say, oh no, I spilled milk. My guest today is- also if you drink milk, ew.

My guest today is a hilarious comedian who's been seen on HBO's Crash and Comedy Central and Fox NFL. He was listed as one of the top 11 comedians by BET.com and I once watched him host a show on Mully and mushrooms and weed and alcohol and it was the funniest thing I ever did see. Oh it's Clark Jones! What's happening? We have so many backstories. My goodness. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So many backstories. So funny. At one point, Will Miles was like, Clark's single, and he wants to fuck.

And there was a rowdy lady in the audience who did not make it to the end of the show. And she kept being like, woo! Woo! And it was so, I was dying. I would, if there was no other show that I wish could have been recorded, people would, that was the one,

because I don't remember a damn thing that I said. I just know I came in hot, I had on one of Kenny's old Hawaiian shirts. Mm-hmm. I had my, but I paired it with my little gold chain, and it was just like a very updated Magnum PI type sitch. It was, it was very Miami Vice Magnum PI, it was just like a very like updated Magnum PI type siege. It was, it was very Miami vice Magnum PI was nice. But people said I owned it and you got to own it.

So it was, it was cock out. You said, wait, I just found out this year was lighting me at the end and I have no recollection. We were both lighting you. So I can't, I think, uh, we've closed. Yes. Crushed. And then you and Will came back on stage with no bits and you were just lighting you. So I can't, I think, uh, Liza closed, Kale crushed,

and then you and Will came back on stage with no bits and you were just talking to each other. And then at one point I was like, wait, the show's done? And then people were just looking around and they didn't turn the lights on. So Sashir and I were just flashing our like little flashlights, waving you, giving you the light. I was, I was determined to sing, Lean On Me at some point that night. And since I had no recollection of like time or space or consideration of people may have things to do,

I just saved it to the end. And then we did bits after that. Yes, it was so, cause yeah, we sang Lean On Me and everyone was like, wow, what a beautiful ending to this beautiful weekend. And then I can't remember who's, you were Will, but you were like, and another thing. And we were like, no.

Yeah. I don't remember who screamed. They were like, turn on the lights, let people leave. They have to go home. It was so fucking funny. It was, that was that. And just knowing that, like I'm always, I didn't grow up like hosting things,

like people never came over. So I'm always a little insecure about hosting. Like, I don't want to hold people hostage, but that night you would not have known. Oh, no. You said you've been taken. Self-indulgence. Lemme some come release these people.

Hey, if someone would have had sex with me, that post-nut clarity would have been like, oh man, maybe we should end the show. But that didn't happen. So wait, did you hook up with anybody that night? OK, so what happened was there was a woman interested, me and another comedian. She said, well, I already started making out with him.

So they had sex in the bathroom at the comedy club. And I was fine with that because it was a family weekend. All of our friends were there. If not me, I would rather a close friend. I will say, Clark, this woman had six eyelashes and cocaine from Florida. So I think you might've dodged a bullet because then her daughter showed up

and it was messy and lovely and I couldn't believe it. What you know, that's what I love about Springfield and a lot of comedy fans is whatever you need, they will try their best to provide it for you. And one of Kenny's cousins heard that I needed some ass and they were like, well, I know this woman had not been to any other shows. Nope.

She just came to that one. And she's a recent divorcee and she needed some D. She told me this, but I was like, all right, well, the woman told me this. I don't know if Six Eyelashes said this to you, but she was like, I think I'm gonna let him put it in my butt. And I was like, oh, oh, I, oh. She let him put it in my butt. And I was like, Oh, Oh, I.

Oh, she mentioned anal very early in the conversation. I was like, wow, it must be wild to be white. You just offer an anal up to people. And why in like a, uh, like a safe white place? Like this is, it doesn't, it doesn't get more safe white than that. You can be as white as you want to be in Springfield, Missouri for better or for worse for better or for Because I couldn't believe she said that to me she was like hi hello She introduced herself and she's like and then she literally pointed at you and she's like I'm gonna put in my butt and I said

Wow, you know is one of those is one of those times because I was working It's one of those times because I was working. Like if I had went up earlier, maybe, but my boy had went up earlier, so he had free time while I'm up there singing, Lean On Me. He putting it in her butt. You know, this episode, do you like anal? No, no, I'm saying anal sex while lean on me comes on the playlist would be a story.

It really would, lean on, oh my God, you are leaning on me. Lean on, not sure. Oh, that might be the- Wait, do you like anal? So, okay, this episode's coming out at the end of Pride month. It's the end of Pride and I got to ask, are you in, do you eat the booties like groceries

and do you like the booty? I have. I have eaten it like groceries. Uh-huh. No, I've eaten it like, you know that snack you bring with you, cause you like, they say don't go to the grocery store hungry cause you gonna eat. Yeah.

I'm like, sit like that, like that, like you destroy that. So it's like, it's enough time in between the next meal. But I go in. That's so funny. I would love for someone to eat my ass like they're peckish. Like they're not fully hungry, but they're like. Right. Oh, I love the 100 grand bar in the car.

Let me finish that so it don't melt. Let me nosh on that. Well, I waited this like, so yeah, no, I'm not, I'm not against it. I've never received it in any type of way. Not, you know, I just, I'm saving it for marriage. Oh my God, that's so sweet. I do, through sickness and health,

for booty licking' and snackin'. I do. Yeah, because it's just forever and ever, right? Wait, Clark. Up with witnesses, yeah. Do you, is that a sewing machine behind you? Oh yeah. Do you sew?

I do sew. That's incredible. Okay, so I love the idea of sewing. I used to take things in when I was younger and didn't have any money to go get things altered, but it's so tedious. It is such a tedious thing to do. I really have to load up and take my adderall to focus.

Prescribed. Okay. Because when that, much like sex, when it comes out of the, um, when it comes out of the holder and then you have to like, sometimes this is a singer. This isn't even my, my, my most expensive one. But with this one, the, the, um, the thread will, will come a loose sometimes. And just the patience it takes to get all that back together and get back to what you

were doing. So it takes a lot of energy and together and get back to what you were doing. So it takes a lot of energy and a lot of concentration. It does. What's one of the, what, what did you make? Okay. So I started a sewing club during like the end of COVID. I made a bag, a dress, a tank top. And then I was like, I want to make a jumpsuit, cut the whole pattern out. And I was like, I simply, I can't, there's a lot. Cutting the patterns takes a day, number one.

It's so long. And don't lose a piece or you fucked. Oh God, then you're just like, I don't know. I just got all this creep paper. But no, the jumpsuit I wore on the Don't Tell clip, I made that. So I cut the sleeves, I made it with the sleeves, cut the sleeves off, put the M, uh, because I cut...

Oh, my God. I had some hamster fabric, made an M. Do-do-do-do-do. Nice, nice. Clark, I'm gonna tell you this. The ladies will be in your DMs after this podcast, being like, oh, my God, do you want to sew something for me? Oh, man. Do you want to? I can sew.

Put it together. I love that you... Who taught you how to sew? My stepmother before she passed, she taught me. And she actually got a couple sewing machines from her afterwards, yeah. She taught me how to make clothes. That's so nice and a helpful skill. I was at Joanne Fabric getting dye

cause I wanted to dye this jumpsuit. I'm gonna try to do it myself. Uh oh. We're gonna see how it goes because you got to you got to cook it up. You got to put it in boiling water. You got to have one of them big yardstick. You got to have a big get to go to Menards, get a bucket because they don't have a man, Joanne Fabric. You got to go like Michael's got them.

But Joanne Fabric and if they do have it'll be one bucket and it's $50. Joanne Fabric is like the airport. So all this stuff is more expensive than Hobby Lobby or Michael's. But yeah, I tried to die on Adidas tracksuit and it didn't quite, didn't quite tie it. Did you use the, what is it? Rit?

That's like the staple dye. Yep. And I had to order. What color did it start? Was it white? It was all white, Adidas Shack suit. And I thought that would be easy. What color were you trying to dye it?

Maroon. I wanted maroon. And it just, it didn't quite fully take. And I tried two different, I tried to like, there's like a permanent version and another version. And I used the liquid. Maybe if to like, there's like a permanent version and another version. And I used the liquid. Maybe if I used the powder and mixed it,

that might hit harder, but I just had to get rid of it. Okay, now I'm nervous if I should just pay someone to do it or if I should, I'm in my DIY era and it's not going well. It's not going well. But it's just like when, you know, you decide, oh, I'm gonna make something I saw Anthony do, or Damien, or whatever, like it's more costly at the beginning.

But it pays off later on when you're like, oh, I didn't spend $300 to make a $10 outfit. Okay, I only spent $2.50. And it gradually gets easier and easier. Okay, what do you feel about, how do you feel about hooking up when you're traveling? I look forward to it.

I mean, it's just a, it's a nice capper after a great set or like, because it's, you know, I'm in that phase where like, yes, I'll do, I may do a weekend here and there, but I'm in about a one nighter phase. So to pull off traveling, I'll do, I may do a weekend here and there, but I'm in about a one-nighter phase. So to pull, so to pull off traveling, killing and smashing is like, that's a chef's kiss. That must feel so good.

So you got chuckle fuckers after you? It's, I've had, not currently, because I don't know if I'm talking about things that conjure up, have sex with me. Like I'm not Molly marijuana mushroom guy all the time. But you know, New York was like, New York was fucking hedonism though. It was like-

New York, I mean, the same thing. When I was there in my early twenties, it was easy to find somebody for the night. It was, it was, for the night. Easy. It was certain bars that like, listen, if you're still here at 2 a.m., it's understood. A lot of the small talk is out of the way. Out of the way, let's do it. If you're talking to me, that's what's going to happen.

If I, you know, if I, we haven't chosen already or both of us or on four of us, something's gonna happen. On four of us. Have you had a foursome? Not had a, well, no, three of most, three. Okay, I've had a threesome. I didn't really love it. I always felt like one person was like out

and then I would start to feel bad and be like, oh no, it's just too much work. It's rarely an equilateral triangle. It's usually isosceles. So two sides are kind of equal. And then one person's gonna get shorted. This was more of a, I don't know. I mean, some people are givers, right?

So like, I can't say that other person didn't get as much as the other two because I don't know what they get out of giving. Mm. So you can't just assume, okay, they weren't getting rammed or they didn't come or whatever, but they may get a lot out of just being a giver. Watching or just like being involved.

Right, right, because we have different thresholds of satisfaction. Right. So we can't just say everybody. Oh, just because everybody came, that means everybody's good. Like some people need to come three times. Some people don't need to at all. Some people just want to watch. I love that you're like some people need to come three times.

If I was with someone who was like, oh, three times before we're done, I'd be like, oh, well, I mean, okay, I guess we could go again and end again. Yeah, like over time. But women come a few times. They do. Yeah, and those aren't equal either. So it's like, all right, you can,

but the one that you want is like- Was it earth shattering? Was it nice? Was it satisfying? Earth shattering. Was it satisfying? Oh my God, I was recently on vacation. I went to, I thought it was called Menorah. It is called Menorca. And the men at Customs laughed at me and was like,

I do not think you're going to a place called Menorah. And I was like, well, let me in the country. Obviously I'm not a terrorist. I don't know where I'm going. You're not going on birthright. This is not a Jewish getaway for teenagers. Yeah, it truly isn't. So we were on this catamaran, and I was talking to this guy

with a jackass tattoo, already a red flag. And I wasn't, like, feeling it, but it's nice to be flirted with. And he was, like, nice tats. And I was like, oh, yeah? Where can we get food after my friend Poonam was like, ask him where we can get food. And I was like, OK.

I was like, what restaurants are near? And then he was like, oh, do you like fish or meat? And I was like, I like meat and fish. And he went, wow, wow. And then he started laughing. And then there was a sore on his gum. No. And I was like, oh no, sir.

And he has to know, cause the gums are very sensitive. Very sensitive. And I was like, you wouldn't catch me smiling that one day if I had this open sore on my gums. Oh my God. And he just. It was, I was like, no, thank you. I do like the meat and fish rift that she ate though.

Thank you. It's pretty good. I was like, let's be flirty. Cause I was like, nothing's gonna happen. I also don't want anything to happen. I was with my friend, and it would just be terrible to be like, bye, bitch. But also, maybe she wouldn't mind.

I don't know. I mean, yeah, how do you feel about vacation hookups? So when I tour, I'm like, please be a chucklefucker in the crowd. Sure. Please. And I've only done it once successfully. I tried to hook up with someone and then that didn't go well. And they ended up leaving my room midway through because they were like,

mmm, I don't think I'm into this. And I was like, then I'm not into it. And they also had gray eyes. And I was like, are you a time traveler? Who's still doing color contacts? It was wild. And I was like, truly not for me. Wait, okay.

Do you think dating is easier in New York, Chicago or LA? Oh, I think New York is the easiest because it's walkable. And like, you know, you could be, you get off the train with somebody or walk. You just happen to be walking the same place. It'll turn into a date. You have the scenery, you have the time together. It's just like, oh, we just happen to be walking the same place, it'll turn into a date. You have the scenery, you have the time together. It's just like, oh, we just happen to be, it's just so easy to date, especially,

it's hard to be in a relationship in New York, which is, it's almost perfect. LA is perfect if you have somebody. People don't break up out here. They don't, they don't, especially, especially after the pandemic, they do not. People do not. I'm like, this is clearly bad for both of you, but everybody's scared of being alone. Another pandemic, another strike, another earthquake.

They do not, they refuse. The person has to move and then they consider moving too. But people do not break out. They know it. They really don't. I stayed in a situation ship for almost two years. That's a long ass time. That's a long situation ship where I'm like, I'm nothing to you.

And they're like, no. And I'm like, cool. That's fine. I guess I won't go anywhere. So I can come over later, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait. OK. So you believe in soulmates, but you also believe that your soulmate might already be dead. Yes. Isn't that freeing?

Doesn't that make you go like, OK, that takes the pressure off you to like, you're not doing enough. You're not the right side. You don't like the right movies. You don't know all the Star Wars. You're so many. It's just out of here. That's funny though.

But also kind of sad that it's like, I may have missed my soul mate because they just died too soon. Situation ships always there for you. I always are they though. Oh my God. I saw the wildest. Wait, are you saying that your situation ship will has dried up too? Oh, it is done.

Me too. I'm not doing situation ships. I would like to be in a relationship. If you are not down to clown like that, I'm not down to clown. Like I am putting up boundaries. If I have to go to sleep at night being like, do you like me? I'm not, I'm out. For that reason, I am putting up boundaries. If I have to go to sleep at night being like, do you like me?

I'm not, I'm out for that reason. I am out. That just hit me recently. Like I just can't do, I just know right away if you fuck with me. I'm not a slow burn as far as you know me. And if you're into me right away, I've never had a woman be like, oh, you know, he's this or he's kind of that.

He's just like, no, he is the thing. And I know right away. So like all this, like, one was like, oh, you know, I can get to be physically into you. I was like, what do you think? How do you, what am I supposed to do with it? I could learn to, I could learn to. That is truly wild. I cannot believe someone had that thought

and then said it out loud. That's an indoor thought. That's nothing for outside. But the people nowadays have no intention of, and I know it's a time shift with women than I see like it's different with flattering a man. Flattering a man seems like betrayal to your group chats. Like, wait, you made a man feel good about himself?

Like, yeah, this is the guy that's, it's the guy you're dating though. He should feel good from you. Like, ew. I like to make a, like someone I'm dating feel good about themselves. I like to be like, you're a cutie, dee dee dee dee. I think that's fun. We enjoy it. And then it's like, so it's like, why? OK, where should I be getting that from?

But that same person's like, oh, we should be in a serious thing. I'm like, you don't like me. I don't know if you like men. Why are you doing this? I'm good on paper. Maybe it's like the whole negging thing. Remember the, what was that man? Mysterio?

No, he was like a magician or something. And he was like, he wore a hat. A magician who wore a hat, a pen and teller? No, and he was all like, you gotta insult people. You gotta neg them. Yeah, but like that don't work on me. I know who you talking about, but like that's just crazy.

At my big age, I'm just like, I see what I like. I know what I like. I like you. I have no problem getting compliments. Whatever you need. Like at this point, let's just give each other what we need. Yeah.

That's how I feel. I do feel like I date men who are like into it for the first like month. And they're like, boy, she's quirky and she's a little weird. And then they're like, wow, all her quirks and her weirdness. I absolutely actually hate this. This sucks. And then they're like, bye bye. And I'm like, but but you I thought you liked it. What what what's going on? You was loving it. You like, but, but you, I thought you liked it. What, what, what's going on?

You was loving it. You was, not just liked it. You told me you loved it. Yes, you were McDonald's. You were, mm mm mm, I'm loving it. Speaking of which, I like Dominic. Let's just put that in the video. Okay, he's a Dom.

No, I'm the sub. I think I'm the sub. I like dominant women. I like women who- Wait, if you like dominating women, then you're a dom, but if you like being dominated by women, you're a sub. Oh, no, no, no. I like women who are dominant. Who are dominant.

So I guess I'm- Okay, yes, you're a sub. I'm the undercard. Kind of doing the longest thing. It was high and heavy. We did the sextant and all that gray stuff. And I was just like, you know, I was just like, I'm... I didn't mean it, but I was like, I got to cut this off because she was...

She had some stuff with like ex-husband and all of that. And I was just trying to downplay how great the lead up was. Like, you know, it was cool. And, you know, I liked us, everything that we were doing. She was like, right. You fucking loved it. And I was just like, all right, let's keep doing this for her.

She had never talked like that to me before. It's just like, what do you mean? Like you fucking loved it. And I was like, man, I can't let this go. Cause that's hot. Cause that wasn't even in person. It was over the phone. And she refused. Even if I came up with a good reason why we should stop.

She wasn't gonna accept no bullshit. Like, oh, I wasn't really into it. She was like, you fucking loved it. All of it. And then what happened? We just kept doing that. Then I went to Boston where she was. I was in New York, she was in Boston.

And we, cause we hadn't even seen each other, you know, at all, this was all fun. Wait, how long did you date over the phone? This is like mystifying for me. How long did you date long distance over the phone? This was like, I want to say the whole arc of the thing was about two years. Two years? Yeah. Damn. the whole arc of the thing was about two years. Two years?

Yeah. Damn. And I didn't go to Boston to see her maybe until a year. So it would be like, exhibitionism, let me see it type shit, FaceTime. She was fucking hot. And- Okay, so after you met, were you like,

okay, this is who I've been talking to. Or were you like, this is a different person? No, in person, it was as advertised. As advertised. So everything was just like, I thought it would be, and then we just had this weird communication where I ended up leaving early because I think I got a little scared. Uh-huh, okay.

So I kind of made up an argument and we weren't in a position where we could just like, fuck your way out of disagreement. We were already out in public, so I just like, I'm just getting on the bus and going back to New York. Clark. We kept going though for like another year. So, okay, walk me through, because I've heard this before,

men get scared when they're like, oh, I really like you, so they like self-sabotage. Self-sabotage. Why? Why? Why self-sabotage in that moment? Why not just be like, I really like you and I want to try to make this work instead of running away? Are you an avoidant attachment style? That's what I've been trying to,

I've been trying to understand, I'm new to that terminology. I don't know what my attachment style is. And I think that it's really changed in the last five years. I've always been like, hey, commitment, whatever, give or take, I'd rather be cool no matter what. But I've just been like, hey, commitment, whatever, give or take. I'd rather be cool no matter what. But I've just been in like partner mode the last two or three years. So in that situation, this was this was New York days.

I was just I was just scary to be like this woman who lives in another city. I would get like real feelings because she said when she said you fucking loved it, that like touched something that hadn't been touched before. Like they hit a wall that hadn't been. So I was scared of like, whoa, I'm not in control. Uh-huh. And then real life lived up to expectations,

which also never happens. What am I supposed to do with that? You say, this is incredible. I can't believe that you're as good as I thought you were. And I really want to make this work. It could only go downhill from there. What, Clark? Or it could be incredible.

Or it could be this amazing thing. And it doesn't even have to be forever. It could be for like a couple months, a couple years. And then you just see how it goes. I like it. I thought comedy was going to be a couple months, a couple years. And here I am now, 15 years later.

Wait, you really thought comedy was just going to be a couple months or a couple years? I thought I was just going to try it. Will was doing it first. I said I was going to write some stuff for you. I ended up saying like, oh, you can't write these. You can't tell these jokes. These are my perspective. I'll try it. And I did it at his open mic. And here we are. That's so wild that you're like, man, I'll just try it. Yeah, you wait, hold on real quick. We got to take a break.

Bebop, boobop, we're back. OK, so you've done so much stand up. You performed on the naked show where you have to perform naked. What the fuck was that like? Because I feel like comedy is kind of being naked anyway. Well, and that's that's exactly what it was, because it would have felt weird to link anybody who you're not thinking about. You you locked so much into your set and being funny because you're not thinking about what did you wear the right shoes?

Did you wear the right shirt? Like how are you presenting? You're not thinking about in your as bare as possible. So it made the comedy even more vulnerable and like funny and revealing. Like I got like three new bits, because I was just like, I make the explosives I can be. I liked my body at the time I did it a lot too, so that helped.

I don't think I could do it. Just like when my little flapjack's out, I simply don't think I could. I could Winnie the Pooh it, I have no problem. The pussy is nice as five. Oh, just a big red polo. Just a big red polo, no underwear with my little my little bowl of honey. Say you want to hear it. You want to hear these jokes?

The the microphone is just a spoon ladle, just a big ladle. No, some of the audience was naked, too. So that helped as well. Where was this show? Take one guess. No, some of the audience was naked too. So that helped as well. Where was this show? Take one guess. Brooklyn? Creek in the Cave. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that checks out. That's right, yeah. So Playgirl was there. I was in Playgirl magazine. Oh my God. They used one of Mindy's photos, which is also crazy, because I did a naked show with Mindy taking a photo.

Like, come on. God, that's so funny. What a treat. Oh my God, you like what you see? You can see it again on Playgirl. Right, it was just right there. It was New Year's show. I had the New Year's hat and I did get some sex after that.

Oh, see, that's nice. So that's the, I got the valid, the validation I needed. So that was great. I remember when I was younger, when the house, my house had one computer, we had dial up or whatever, and I was like, I'm going to look at playgirl.com. And I remember my mother going, why were you looking at playgirl.com? And I remember sitting there being like, you know the answer. Right, like what lie do you want me to tell?

You know I was trying to see some dicks. Yeah. You know, it was just so funny to be, I was like, uh. I think my go-to, because I was the oldest, my younger brother was like, he's five years younger than me and me and my younger sister was the oldest. My younger brother was like these five years younger than me. And then my younger sister's like eight. So she she went on the computer. Her compact.

Prisada was like, Oh, look at that dirty science. And it was like, it's only one person who could be. Yeah, come on. Who is 13? Brad is eight. It obviously was me. And I just said it went to the wrong site. And that was so funny. I typed it in and it went to the wrong site. That's so funny. I typed it in and it went to the wrong site.

I don't know. God, that's so funny. Just I had nothing and trying to see shit. And you're like, please. I remember I was like Barnes and Noble used to have like playgirls. Well, they would be in packaging. Yes. Yes. OK. I'm like 100 percent sure of this. It would be in packaging. And I would just open the packaging to be like,

what them titties look like? I was like, oh wow, that's what they're going to look like one day. Okay. And then guess what? The Lord did not deliver. It was all airbrush. You learned that they gave these niggas Photoshop and airbrush and like just these wild expectations of what titties are going to be. But I never had the sex talk. So everything I learned was from the internet or other people. We're just doing it.

Nobody gave you the sex talk? The closest. Do you remember the bodyguard? The bodyguard? Of course I do. Whitney Houston's stellar performance stays in my heart. So the scene was like, oh, the perpetrator broke in and he masturbated all over her bed.

I didn't know what that word meant. I was like, oh, the perpetrator broke in and he masturbated all over her bed. And I didn't know what that word meant. I was like, well, what's masturbate? And she just like, she just flew into the, like, the African American mother urge to make it my fault. She was like, hmm, masturbate? You wanna masturbate? I was like, I don't know what that is.

Well, if you don't wanna masturbate, then don't be asking about that. And then we turned the movie off. I think she put on like, The Preacher's Wife. Oh no, she was like, we can still watch Whitney, but just in a different context. Yeah, she ain't gonna be no masturbating on no beds. Oh my God.

With Courtney B. Lance. How funny. Yeah, that was the closest I had to a sex talk from like an adult person or whatever. Wait, that's truly so wild. I can't like, and then did you just learn from friends? I guess like TV too. Look, I had cousins around my age who,

like he's the one that I first met with, you know, sex, all the other stuff, like porno magazines, all of that. So, but that's still not learning about it. No. So everything was just like, and it was just growing, I was, I'm being so revealing. Wow. I'm revealing everything. This is, this is the magic.

The eighth grade was the first time I had oral sex. And so it was just always, I guess like this innocence. It was always an older woman who would want to show me things. She was my age, but like when I say older, I mean more experienced girl. Okay, I was like, oh no, Clark, older. No, not older, not even, right, right.

No, no, not even same age, but they would just be way more experienced. Okay, she was a little fast. Yeah, another girl I remember be way more. OK, she just she was a little fast. Yeah. Another girl I've never seen. I have these strange, distinct memories of a girl like we had transferred there. She was like, you know, it's a gasoline and put it in my blood. I was like, what? Eighth grade. What? They doing butt stuff in eighth grade?

Doing my stuff in eighth grade. They were. I wasn't. I didn't know anything about that. I was like, I can't skip past. You're like, the first stops got to be the most. You can't go. I don't want to Vaseline up your butt. You can't go mouth to ass in 12 or 13.

That's wild. I in eighth grade was truly still lamenting over the fact that we didn't have recess. I remember getting to middle school being like, what is this horseshit? I can't go outside all fucking day. That was my biggest thing. School all day? This is trash. I'm out. I hate this. Wait, speaking of school.

So freshman year of high school, you joined the ballet team? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. To try to lose virginity. I was like, that's, they, I mean, the guys and dolls dance, it was just the, it was known, not across, that's our high school, across the high school network. It was like, yo, get you a guys and dolls girl. So I'm like, I'm a dreamer, let me try to get the bat.

If I'm a lose my virginity, let me lose it to a baddie. And I ended up falling in love with dance. I didn't like that. That's so funny. You're like, I didn't get none, but I did get the gift of dance. Yeah, I did find a new passion. So so, yeah, so like I just, I just like being around and that just, it was so wild, like,

because dudes are like, why aren't you, I'd never been nervous around with it. And that's what I think even, I didn't even have it said, but just the fact that I was not nervous around these gorges. And some of them were seniors. So, you know, you're a freshman and you got these model looking.

I just posted the photo on my Instagram story. Like these women look like models. And I'm just like, you know, hey, whatever, I'm Clark type shit. I met a man the other day who was very attractive and I lost my mind. I was like, oh my God, hello. I like couldn't speak.

It was so dumb. What was his present? Like what is, give me a general idea of what this kind of man looks like that would intimidate you. So he was tall. He had like olive skin that was like recently tanned, dark hair, I don't know what color, maybe hazel eyes.

He wasn't like big, but he wasn't little, but he was so tall. And then he had like, these little, like, nasal eyes. He wasn't like, big, but he wasn't little, but he was so tall, and then he had like, this deep voice, and he was just like, hello, how are you? And I was like, oh my God, I'm really good, thank you so much. Okay. A voice, a voice really can turn a woman on.

Oh, a voice. A voice can do it. A voice, a smell, hair, there's good butt. Like there's so many things that you're like, oh my God. I'm learning so much. Yes, yes. Oh my God.

I went on a date with somebody and I was like, oh, I think I like them. And I just could not stop. Like I like showed up late because I'm constantly late for things. And I sat down, I was like, I'm so sorry. I was like, I was talking like a mile a minute and they're like, hey, just you can just calm down.

No worries. And that did it. I was like, oh, my God, I'll suck your dick under the table. Just being kind and nice and being like, you're OK. I was like, ah, just something about understanding. Get the panties right off. I mean, yes, just relax. Getting you to relax without telling you to relax. Yes. See, I learned something.

I learned it. Because I'm always going a mile a minute. I'm like Sonic. I got a need for speed. I just move too fast. And when someone can see that and go, hey, you're okay. That is the, it's the nicest thing someone can do. It, that energy of like, yeah, it's not that,

especially because of the anxiety, right? As time keeps, seems to be leaping forward, but I'm late and it's just like 205 to 15 240 I'm just like they're gonna hate me No, it's okay. I went to the flower shop next door looked around a little bit. I figured I figured when they school I figured it you didn't do that. I figured something happened like it was an accident and I'm telling the truth And I'm like, yeah, see you. I don't think he would do that. And I'm like you get Like, yeah, it was an accident, and I'm telling the truth, and they're like, yeah, I see you. I don't think he would do that.

And I'm like, you get it. You get it. It's so nice. I love it so much. Eat your pussy under the table right now. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I was talking to my therapist

because I recently went on a date where I was, and I told my therapist, I was like, I was just so nervous, and I don't know why I was talking to my therapist, because I recently went on a date where I was, and I told my therapist, I was like, I was just so nervous, and I don't know why I was so nervous. I just had this anxiety and my stomach hurt. And she was like, well, you're nervous about what might happen. And she was like, I want you to do jumping jacks, or do something to get that nervous energy out. And then before this other date that I had, I did that.

But then the car ride over, the anxiety happened again. And I was like, oh, I can't do jumping jacks in a Prius. So I don't know how to do this. Kegels, anything, you gotta do something sort of. Oh, maybe I'll do that. Squeeze it, squeeze. It's just, yeah, I like getting excited. And I know as bad as it's gotten, where it's like, oh, you got too excited or you put too much into it, you went to like the adrenaline

rush of being excited to meet somebody, even if it's different in an hour, whatever. That's the best drill, to be excited about another person. It is so nice and it's exciting and I like it. I matched with this dude on Hinge and I like sometimes I have a hard time with like details, but I was like, I'm gonna actually look at this person's profile. And in their like relationship goals, it was like still figuring it out. And I was like, how are you 37 years old

still trying to figure out what your dating goals are? Just say it. Say it. You're looking for pussy and you that's it. OK. What? Yes. Yes. And I can a woman who I I matched with told me that, now she didn't wanna go out with me, but she wanted to, she gave me some advice. She was like, you can't be your age,

still talking about still figuring it out. Like, you decide, pick one or the other, and both will help you, right? Yeah. But still figuring it out, you're going to miss way more shots. So like, and then we, we just, you know, we never talked to you, but she was almost like this little like a leprechaun. No black.

She was like, hello, here's my pot of gold. A little advice for you. If you can say my name three times. Uh, but no, we, we just never, I just, I just was like, just in, it's been I'm gonna give you a little advice for your heart. If you can say my name three times. But no, we just never, I just, I just was like, and it's been helpful. My dating, my swiping gang has leveled up since I put exactly what I wanted. I mean, it is helpful,

cause truly I was like, I don't wanna be the person to help you figure out what your goal is. Because it's like, if I invest time and then your goal is, oh, I don't want a girlfriend, then it's like, well, what, what, what, because I would lie. I want to be in a relationship. I want a boyfriend. Yeah.

So like, why, why would I go out with you? Who don't know this person who doesn't know. It's crazy. Yeah. And I was like, I can't do that. Okay. We have to take one more break. And it's so funny.

I had a friend's mother tell me, she was like, listen to men, they will always tell you the truth. Do you think that's true? If listen to men you're dating? Yeah, like I, my situationhip, I think three months in, he was like, I don't want to be in a relationship because I'm scared. And I said, I will spend the next year and a half

convincing you that you do want to be in a relationship. Oh, no, men can only be convinced of something for a short period of time. Hmm. Decisions that we make are a lifetime. I made a decision, I'm a lifer in comedy. I made a decision that I will go back to, I'll make it back to LA.

Like, if you can convince him to make the decision on his own, that's different. But just convincing him to go with your decision, temporary, every single time. Boy, oh boy. Well, I'll tell you something. I never got to the, I never even got a temporary. Okay. It was a resounding no each time I was like, but don't you wanna? And then I'd be like, well,

I guess I'll just act like a girlfriend and you'll act like a boyfriend. And it's going to be amazing. Has a man ever specifically said, hey, this thing about you is why it won't work? Or has it always been, I'm not ready, my mind is not, I gotta do this, I gotta do that? Has he ever been like, look, the fact that you do this or the fact that you do this is the reason why I can't date you any further?

No. Let's see, there was one guy who was like, I don't know if I believe in monogamy. And then there was another who was like, my ex-girlfriend came to town. And then there was another who was like, I just need to concentrate on tennis. And then there was one. I need like recreational sports to take up most of my life. I just got to hold these rackets and not your hand. Also, that man, I got into his car,

it was a Prius and I hit my phone and went five stars. He didn't like that. Linda liked funny. I don't think he liked that I was a funny little rascal. Yeah. Let's see. I had someone say, I'm going through my little Rolodex. Yeah, I'm trying, has anybody said Nicole,

this specifically about you, I don't like. I've been told that I'm bad at communicating. Which I'm not the greatest because I will admit it, when I like someone, I become a people pleaser. I'm the type of person who, if you say, oh no, I'm sick, I will go buy you chicken noodle soup from the supermarket, I'll buy you a can, I'll buy it pre-made, I'll buy a jar.

So you have three options, and then I will drive it to your house, and I will be like, here, I'm wearing a mask, I'm outside, do you wanna come get your soup? Like I, I like, here, I'm wearing a mask. I'm outside. Do you want to come get your soup? Like I, I really, yeah. I'm the same, but the only thing I didn't do, I haven't done in that situation is ask them, do you like chicken noodle soup?

I do not, my communication is bad because I don't even check. I'm just so caught up in a gesture. I don't even care if you like the soup or if you can, or if you're allergic to broccoli cheddar. I'm just like, Oh, because I put this effort in, you're going to love it. And then I never check in with them to see if they even wanted me to do that. Yeah.

I have a hard time being like, do you want this? I will. I will also offer things that I don't necessarily want to do. So like I was looking up with this one guy and he was at my place and he was like, oh man, it's late. And I was like, do you want me to drive you home? And I don't know why I offered.

And he was like, you don't wanna drive me home right now. And I was like, well, if you want me to, I will. And he was like, yeah, drive me home. And then I was so mad that I drove this man home at like 1 a.m. and I was like, I could be in bed. Why did I do this? Because there's a, is there a power in that? In that like, you're in control of the situation if you're driving somebody home, if you're doing things for people. It just seems like

a, for me, it's always been even, no matter how inconvenient it is, it still gives me some sort of power that I'm going out of my way and doing all these things. And then in my most toxic, I would fault them for not appreciating it. This thing that they didn't even ask for. My ADHD really throws a wrench in that, if that's what my brain's trying to do,

because I will forget what I've done, but I will, I think I do it. I think it might be like a little bit of manipulation to be like, you'll like me more if I do this nice thing for you, right? Right? Yes, yes. I just want you to like me,

which is my therapist and I are working on boundaries, which I lack, I lack a lot of boundaries. But how do you do that? How do you get, how do you kill the desire to just be like? My friend, Jimmy, told me, he said, what I used to do in the beginning of my relationship, he was like, I would just go, what would a normal person do before reacting?

And I have been trying to stop and go, what would a normal person do in this situation? Ah, they would not spin out. They would not double text this person. They would just wait because this person has a life and they're living it, and they'll get back to you when they can. And if it takes days, maybe that's time for you to move on because they're not

answering you in a way that feels great. Or you can say, hey, it took a couple of days for you to respond. I just, for me, need a response a little faster, but give them time to respond. That's what a normal person does. Or when someone goes, oh man, I don't wanna take a Uber this late. That is a choice they made to be at your house that late. So don't offer to drive them home,

hoping that they'll like you more. Just go, oh man, I'm sorry it's so late. Text me when you get home though, or I'll stay on the phone with you while you're in the Uber so like you're not alone or something. I don't, but like don't go out of, don't inconvenience yourself for the convenience of others, which is a thing I love to do. But normal people don't do that. That's, I'm on the same journey of like, just trying not to think of being myself in in in hopes or in thoughts that that will be an

automatic like, you know, you post something on my is like, oh, that's an automatic like, because that's I do things that I think are an automatic like they're gonna like, But no, they don't. And it's not even that I'm doing it. I want their like, for me, it's almost like, yeah, it's a little ego driven to just want people to like me just because. And so yeah, I'll do something that they can clear.

They always know what you're doing is too much. No matter how many times it's fine. I know it's not big deal. It's not big. They know this. No one has ever done this for them before. And they sure as hell will do it for you. So they, they have their grid of what is too much.

So it's like, I'm not fooling anybody. Why, why do I keep doing this? I once made a man, I think I made, it was like chicken Alfredo. I don't know, it was pretty good. I made it pretty good. I'm not a cook, but I like paid attention. I didn't burn nothing.

And I like gave it to him and he was like, oh my God, this is so good. Nicole, this is so good. And I was like, thank you. And then he texted me later that night and he was like, that was so good. That was one of the best dinners I've ever had. And I was like, thank you. And then he texted me later that night and he was like, that was so good. That was one of the best dinners I've ever had. And I was like, okay, so let me know when we're gonna hang out next.

And then he left me on read for like four days and then was like, hey, let's hang out this day. And I was like, I should have been like, and I gotta get out. No. You can't do that. Those four days was your opportunity. Yeah, yeah, because they might not like it. But instead I said, I'm free on Tuesday and. But isn't it great when you're lying about being busy,

but you really do have something to do? You could cancel it. But isn't it great when you have to tell somebody, listen, I don't want to hang out with you anymore. But you could just be like, you know, I actually got plans and you do have plans. But but easily cancelable plans, easily cancelable. And you're hoping, hey, now they'll respect me since I had something to do. Yeah. And they still don't.

And they don't give a shit. They're like, OK, I made plans with this guy once where we made plans for this day. And then he didn't text me all day and I was like, oh, I guess we're not hanging out. And then he texted me and was like, hey, do you still wanna hang out tonight? I mean, I also have laundry to do

so if you wanna reschedule, that's fine. And I was like, okay. And then I was like, and then I put my phone down to like take a lap around my living room cause I was like, and then I put my phone down to like, take a lap around my living room because I was like, okay, that hurt. And then, he gave you an out. Got back to my phone.

He gave you an excuse. I got back to my phone. Sure did. And I was like, hey, yeah, if you want to reschedule, that's fine. And then an hour later, so then I like made dinner. An hour later, he was like, actually, I just got off work and I'm really hungry.

Do you want to meet up? And I was like, and He was like, actually, I just got off work and I'm really hungry. Do you want to meet up? And I was like, and I was like, Nicole, take your dignity. Do not meet up with this man. So I was like, actually, I just ate and I just, you know, you said you were going to do laundry and I was like, okay, go do that. And I just ate. And then he went, oh, bummer.

And I was like, he didn't fucking care. I'm taking this like grand, like I'm taking a stand and I'm not gonna see you. And he truly was like, oh, I don't give a shit about you. That's cool. That's cool. You're the third text of 10 that I'm about to send out. Truly. And I'll tell you this, I don't understand a roster.

I don't get it. I do not understand how you can talk to multiple people and, and then like talk to me and manage it well and be at the top of like your game with all these people. You're like, uh, uh, like a circus. It's purely a circus and you're the, you're the, you're the ringleader. Yeah. I simply don't understand how people have the time, energy, and then want to do that.

You want to be intimate with like a bunch of people? Why? I mean, I guess that's like, I'll say this. I don't know how you want to be intimate with a bunch of people who don't, who haven't consented, who haven't said, yes, I would like you to be intimate with a other bunch of people while you tell me that I'm the only one.

Well, I wouldn't even say to take an ireless change, the word intimate, are you being, are you being, because intimacy is me, is vulnerability and openness and all of that. You're being sexual, you're being romantic, you're being close to, you're near, your bodies are clapping against each other, but I can be intimate with more than one person at a time. It's just somebody somebody ain't getting the real me.

One of them, one of them, I mean, getting the real. I'm trying to them. Who are them? What are they? One of them in the roster? Oh, one of them. What am I singing? It's just one of them. That roster. One of them. What am I singing? It's just one of them. That's what I was thinking.

Okay. That would be a great reggae song about infidelity. A Rasta Rasta. It really was. Rasta Rasta. Rasta Rasta. Who am I going to pick? I just, I don't know how people do it.

It's, I'll forget, yeah. Yeah, I'm like, don't you forget what you told one person. Like I was seeing in my little situationship, he was seeing somebody else and I was like, wait, what? I was like, the fuck? I just don't know. Like I'll become, I'm so, so bad at managing that I'll just become, it'll make it worse.

Like it'll, somebody is going to get treated way to like, uh, like I, my tech runs out when I'm like a girl, a girl came to when we hosted the show, we just started talking and you know, I might have a few at the show, but a girl was kind of they, but she came to the show without yeah, man, I'm there every Sunday. But a girl was kind of there, but she came to the show without telling me she was coming. And I was just like, what are you doing here? Don't you know I have a roster? Like, it was just it was in my mind.

I didn't say that. But that's what I was thinking. I just did not. I was not nice in that situation. That was one of my best moments. Yeah. Yeah. It's yeah, that's what I mean. It's tough when you got tell people it's like,

ooh, bye. Yeah, you're like, you have to leave this free comedy show. Oh. Mm-hmm. I know you didn't pay. Yeah. I'm not gonna give you a refund, but you gotta get out of here. No.

And you live two blocks away. Just take off. Just go on home. Yeah, your friends can stay. I'm not having sex with them, but. What's your ideal? Wait, have you ever thought about reaching out to that girl in Boston again? Yeah, just take off. Just go on, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your friends can stay. I'm not having sex with my friend. What's your ideal, wait, have you ever thought about reaching out to that girl in Boston again?

I've tried, she's like, her Instagram still exists, but I changed phone numbers, I've texted and nothing. Oh, okay. Yeah, I just- Maybe she'll listen to this and she'll reach out. Maybe, cause we were intense. She showed how much she was into me in a way that I haven't had before.

I really want this to work out. I want you... Wait, do you have her phone number? Text her. I did. She never replied back. Oh, I guess maybe that is an answer. That is definitely an answer.

Clark. Okay, what are maybe that is an answer. That is definitely an answer. Clark, okay, what are you looking for in a woman? What am I looking for? Oh man, that's a good question. I'm looking, I like, okay, I know I don't like closer-mindedness and I'm looking to being able to talk to somebody and the conversation and the gender wars never come up. Okay.

Because I feel like that's just such a terrible, all right, we have nothing else to talk about. Let's talk about how men are trash or how women are trash. And that's just like, I just want to get so lost in what we discuss that the rigmarole don't even come up. That would be great. Okay. That's it? My view on it is every package is different.

So I know it when I see it. That's all I can say. I know it when I see it. Okay. Is that okay? All right. Did I told the line? Yes. I see it. Okay. Is that okay? All right. Did I told the line? Yes. I told it.

Yeah, nah, that's good, that's good, that's good. I know when I see it. Rasta, rasta. I don't know. I don't know when I see it. I, it takes like one, two, maybe like three dates before I'm like, oh. Yeah.

Now I see it. Cause I've got my walls up and I've got my little border where I'm like, don't penetrate. Like I remember I went on a date with someone and I was like, he like touched my leg and all I could think was, why is he touching my leg? And I was like, oh wait, because he is into me. And I had to be like, okay, that's okay.

That is, that's wild to me that you would feel like that because the energy you put out is like, yeah, let's go. And then, but you're like, oh, why does he do this? Because I'm like, I know how to fuck. I know how to do that. I don't know how to relationship and I don't know how to be vulnerable. And I'm like on a journey and learning how to do that.

A journey of learning. Oh man. Journey of learning, we're all on a journey and learning how to do that. A journey of learning. Oh, man. Journey of learning. We're all on a journey. OK, Clark, we have reached the end. I do ask all my guests this. I've missed it a couple of times. But would you date me? Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Of course.

Of course. Would you date me? I yes, I think you're very, very wonderful and you're funny. And when you're on Molly, you're very, very funny. And you could sew me things. I would. I would love to make you anything that you want me to make you. Really? Because I'm going to go back to Joanne Fabrics and get this this denim material with bumblebees on it. Just get the fabric, get all the what do they call the the flourishes?

And I'll put it together. Oh my God, Clark, I would love that. Would you like me? Would I, yes, I would like you. No, but I would do it because I wanted to. No, I would love you. Okay, all right, all right. There you go, wow.

All right, cool. That callback took me a fucking minute. You were thrown away. Truly, I was like, yeah, I'd like it. Yeah. Clark, do you do anything you want to promote? So June 30th, I'll be at the riot in Houston, let's say Sunday night. So anybody in the Texas area, Dallas, Fort Worth, pull up.

Yeah, that'll be that'll be right after this show. So that same weekend, I believe. And then I got a bunch of gigs. Just follow me. Follow my socials. What is it? Clark LaRue Jones on Everyday. Clark LaRue Jones.

Clark, thank you so much for being here. Can I can I share one thing before we go? Yes, because they say you should give advice to someone. And this is something. Oh, yeah. This is something that changed my life. About like, you know, people who think, why do I always attract a certain type of toxic person? And I'm sure you've heard this before, too about somebody told me like, look, it's a, you don't attract certain types of people.

Those people latch onto anything that they can latch onto. Other people just have boundaries set. You just have the most tolerance and patience for the quote unquote wrong person. Everybody else, yeah, they tried them too. But they those people dismissed them. You're just a tolerant, patient person. And you think like, oh, I only attract this is like, no, you just only allow that. And that's been my time, y'all. I got to get out of here.

We got to go. Clark. Right here. That was wild. You're right. It's what you allow. If you allow yourself to be treated like shit, you're gonna get treated like shit. Those people go after everybody. It's not you just attracting that wrong person. You're not the- Damn.

You're not a creep magnet. No, you're just allowing it. Longer than those other seven women he texts. Wow. Well, Clark, that's it. That's what it is. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Of course. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate

it, you can subscribe and give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you want to write me something nasty hitting on me, you can write it to whywon'tudatemeatgmail.com. Why Won't You Date Me podcast at gmail.com. Sorry. What did I say? Whywon'tudatemeatgmail.com. Oh, no. It's whywon'tudatepodcast at gmail.com? Why won't you date me at gmail.com? Why won't you date me at gmail.com? What did I say? Why won't you date me at gmail.com? Oh no, it's why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com. Thank you Mars.

Okay, this is a quick one, this is a nice one. I want to dress you up like a pig and fill you with coins. When I need money, I'll just squeeze you and yell, come for me you peppa pig slut. Bye bye! That's funny. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. With talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with talent bookings by Paula Davis,

Gina Battista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywonedatemepodcasts at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a brand new episode. Deedoo boo boo bop, bye bye.

This has been a Team Coco production.