Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Don't Break Up Like This! (w/ Ryan Beck)

Episode Date: August 2, 2024

Comedian Ryan Beck (Girl Code) joins Nicole to discuss the worst places to be broken up with and debate when it’s acceptable to end a relationship over text. Nicole shares her experiences with threesome requests at meet & greets and the time she and her friend hooked up with long-lost brothers on a set of bunk beds. Follow Nicole Byer:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer, I was trying to figure out why I was so single for so long, even though you could give me a bottle of your cum and say, this is actual gorilla glue. My guest today is a comedian, I really got myself with that one, who's been featured

on Comedy Central, MTV's Girl Code, and The Daily Show. And he's a friend, I've known him for so long, I once woke him up because I was trying to make carbonara. But I scrambled those eggs real good. It's Ryan Beck! Hi. Hi, Nicole, how are you? But I scrambled those eggs real good. It's Ryan Beck! Boop-a-doop-a-doop-a-boop-boop-boop. Hi.

Hi, Nicole. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm great. I went to the dentist this morning. They found some, you know, really got some new holes in my teeth, and I'm ready to go.

I hate the dentist. I hate it so much. For a cleaning, I have to get laughing gas because I clench my jaw so much that they can't get to my teeth. I am an expert at going to the dentist. Every single time I go I get like a compliment that upsets my wife. That's very funny.

Last one I got was they go you have impeccable home care. Get out of here. Come on. Let's do another round of x-rays. Get out of here. Come on. Let's do another round of X-rays. That's incredible. Very, very funny. I had to get two wisdom teeth extracted

and they did not put me under. So it was just like local and I could like feel it come out. So that's why I have to get laughing gas for cleanings because I clenched my jaw so much. Like the side of my face is never gonna be the same because I just clenched it so hard. It's like a little, it's always a little inflamed. Isn't that fun?

Isn't that fun? That's horrific. I don't like that at all. It was terrible. Oh my God. They should put you under for that. Everyone gets put under and they gave me no painkillers. And I couldn't eat, things were falling out of my mouth.

It was terrible. And then I had therapy right after, and I was in my car sobbing, being like, they took my teeth. Was this recent? This was two years ago, maybe. Oh my god, that's horrible. And now they're calling, being like,

you gotta come in for a cleaning. And I'm like, I don't want you to take more of my teeth. And I don't I don't want to do this. This is bad. Okay, Ryan, let's just let's talk. So you're married. How did that happen? How did you do it?

How did I do it? Oh my gosh, my marriage tale. You're kind of familiar with this. I mean, I'm my wife and, so I can't say my wife the whole podcast. Her name is Grace. She's wonderful. You know her.

You don't want to go, my wife. I don't want to do that. Who says that? That's Borat. Oh yeah, yeah, okay. I think. I mean, other people too. It's Borat and like men in their 30s.

Wait, Ryan, I have to tell you this before you tell me how you met Grace. I, on another episode, said my, one of my favorite love songs was Climax by Usher. And yesterday I found out Climax is about a divorce. And I have been like sexy singing this song. And I was like, is that what I've been manifesting? I've been like trying to be sexy to a breakup.

Ryan, I'm having trouble today. This is deep. No, but this is good stuff. It's crazy. It's my favorite sexy song. And I found out it's not as sexy, it's sexy about breaking up. Why would he do that to me?

Why would he make a song that's sexy about a breakup? Usher just can't help but be sexy. Now you can need a new sexy song. You gotta go back to Yakety Yak. Yakety Yak, I won't go back. Wait, how does that song go? Wait, what? Yakety Yak.

Don't come back. Don't come back. Oh wait, that's about to break up too. Oh no. Oh my God. I need to find a song where it's like, we are solid. Whoa. Yakety Yak, please come back.

We are back. Yakety Yak, please-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- she's so cool in her jean jacket. I thought jean jackets were very cool at the time. And we like hung out as a little pod in the park. And she later, of course, told me that she thought I was cute, but she was dating this guy who's now a real estate agent. And for the Oppenheimer group? No, I don't know what he does. But he like, they, he didn't break up with her great. And, uh, then it was like not a nice way. Um, and then. It subsequently like married the girl that he cheated on her with. And then she, and then she's been getting like promotional emails about his real estate stuff and it's like, I can't unsubscribe.

What do I do with this? I'm like, I don't know. You have to unsubscribe. It's not like he this? I'm like, I don't know. You have to unsubscribe. It's not like he's getting a notification that she's unsubscribing. That's the universe is funny. I don't know. I don't know how that works. Like how what is it called? Mailchimp? I don't know.

Oh, actually, I don't know how Mailchimp works. Oh, that's like personal. That's like I don't want this. But honestly, you cheat on me. I don't want your real estate listings. It's kind of fun to see, though, you know, it don't want this. But honestly, you cheat on me. I don't want your real estate listings. It's kind of fun to see, though. You know, it's a little bit. I've been watching this HGTV show.

I keep interrupting you. And it's a couple. I can't remember the name of the show, but she's a maximalist, and I love all her stuff. Maximalist? I think her husband, yeah. What's that? You don't know interior design stuff.

So it's like, stuff's everywhere. Like how I have wallpaper and stuff all over and a life. So like when you get rid of everything. Yeah. And it's like white and bland. OK. Like Kim Kardashian's house that has nothing in it. That's minimalist. Yeah. And then I'm a maximalist, but they they a couple. This feels like rebranding, like hoarding. Whoa, that is maybe the rudest thing I've ever heard.

Not about you. I'm not saying that about you. It just sounds like a term. Well, I'm a maximalist. I have tchotchkes everywhere. I have a collection of rubber duckies. I like that. I mean, look, you would like your stuff. That's fine. I like my stuff, too. I love my stuff. I love stuff. I love stuff constantly buying new stuff. I just bought a glass pink

Swan that I think is a flamingo, but I know in my heart It's a swan, but like I like to just pretend it's a flamingo anyway So this HGTV couple they've like broken up, but they like still pretend to be together on television. Why am I bringing this up? I wonder if the real estate man is actually happy. Anyway, keep going with how you met Grace. Wow, I'm wild today. I don't know.

I don't know what it takes to be actually happy. I think I'm actually happy, but I'm also like very capable of making myself completely miserable at any given moment. You know? It's very difficult out here. That's everybody. Wait, continue with how you met Grace. I think so.

That's why life is so hard. So Gracie and I, we met in the part where like, that's when we met. I didn't see her for a couple of months. I helped my friend move, who had invited me there. She was there to help them move too. And then I didn't see her for a bit. And then we reconnected at a comedy show where she just randomly showed up. Years later, I learned that it wasn't random.

In fact, she saw me post that I had this show and she had some time to kill and was like, I wanna go see this guy because she was single at the time. And then we ended up exchanging a number and going out. I had the greatest line of all time when we were texty flirty. I said, she was like, I'm free Tuesday and Thursday, and I was like, great, I'll pick Tuesday,

you pick Thursday. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. But I knew I liked her, I would wanna see her again, and also I just can't help but be that smooth. So we went out and we dated for about a month and a half and then I broke up with her. Why did you break up?

We broke up for a year, didn't speak at all, and then reconciled. A year? Yes, and why did I break up? That's a great question, Nicole, and I think this is important for all the young lovers out there, okay? I was unhappy with myself. I didn't like where I was at in my career.

I didn't like where I was at mentally. I didn't like so much about the life that I was building. She, I liked her a lot. I liked her a great deal. But I was starting to resent her and resenting spending time with her for things that were completely unrelated to her. So it was a true thing, whereas like the emotionally mature decision was, I don't feel like I'm

a person that should be getting in a relationship at this time. So I had to stop it. I know that the cliche thing in breakups is always, it's not you, it's me, but truly, it was that kind of situation. And so I had to get my own life together. Fortunately for me, I did get my shit together. And then I was thinking about her, and my friend Ari was like, I was telling him about it,

and he's like, just text, so I texted her, and she was not really open to getting back together or to seeing me. Well, did you explain it to her? Were you like, it is me and it's not you. And I'm trying to- I did a really bad job and I was trying to, right? I was trying to, but like I broke her trust

and that was something that we had to get over in our actual, you know, for real part of our relationship. And I did a bad job at breaking up with her. I tried, but I was really uncomfortable and nervous and I had a smile on my face for a long time. Not great. Okay. Admittedly, not great.

No. And so anyway, I texted her. We eventually, she like agreed. It wasn't that hard of a sell, but it was like she did agree to see me But she did not make it easy on me Because she was like I'm gonna be in this neighborhood that you don't live in at this time You can come see me if you want kind of thing And that was like midtown at like five o'clock and it was like the busiest thing. I we ended up getting

Coffee at the there was a Starbucks inside the NHL store. And that's where I was like, I found a table here and I was like, what am I doing? I'm in a Starbucks inside the NHL store. And she showed up and she told me, she actually reminded me before I came on the podcast, she's like, if you tell this story, you have to remember that the way that I planned my outfit

was to look casually gorgeous. And I was like, that is right. But she did like dress up, but also like not so I would be like, you're dressed too nice, you know? But she was like there to be like, kind of like, you screwed up. You're an idiot. You fucked up. Look at this.

Not expecting the charm offensive that I had planned. Wow. Coffee, some fried chicken. We went out after that. At the NHL store? No, no, no, another spot. This was a multiple spot thing, and then it was just on right there.

And we dated, then we moved in, then we got married. Now, then we got a dog, now we have the baby. And now you got a little baby. Yeah. He's still a baby,. We have the baby. He's a two-year-old Yeah, he's still a baby. That's toddler. I think he's still okay. Okay, so walk me through Here's the thing. I simply don't get when people are like I can't be in this relationship Because I got to work on me. How come you can't work on you with somebody else? I mean, that's a great question I don't know. You know me where, like, when I'm experiencing that, I'm trying to tell somebody that I'm not being full of shit.

I think that's a super easy excuse for some people to use if they're not actually doing the work on themselves in the meantime. Why I couldn't be with somebody else is like, I was telling you. I was like, I was starting to regret, not regret, but resent her for stuff that had nothing to do with her. Oh, oh yeah, I forgot about that part. That makes sense to be like,

well yeah, I'm starting to resent you, so we shouldn't be together for now. Yeah, because there's no, I knew that my emotions were misplaced. Ugh, why is this girl texting me when I wanna go run around and do these three open mics so I can make sure that I see this person who can put me on their show so I can hopefully do this or this and get past this, you know?

This is like 2014 or 15, somewhere in there. And so, you know, my career and my life have come significant leaps and bounds in the last 10 years. And it's just like, I don't love that I had to break up with her, but I do feel in hindsight, since it all worked out, that it all was the right way. Fair. I've never broken up with somebody.

Never ever? What? No, no. If I've dated you for past a month, month and a half, I'm like, okay, let's figure it out. Oh, I like that. But I have gone on dates with people and been like, oh, no, thank you. She was like the only person that I think... I broke up with a couple of people, but I

really didn't date much ever, really. I tried. One time I got broken up with and it was like I don't know with like how you've been broken up with before I just tell me you can text me Maybe that's just text me most of our relationship starts with text messages. We text the whole time just text me at the end I don't need to do all this but no she was like, let's go out on a date and we went out and we and I was like You know what? I would really always like to do? I'd like to go to the MoMA. So we went to the MoMA for the whole day. And I was like, this is great. You were like, this is a thing I'm excited about.

I would like to do it. She was like, bet, I'm gonna break up with you there. Nope, she didn't break up with me there. We did the whole MoMA day and she's like, why don't we go to this your favorite barbecue casual barbecue restaurant? That's right over here that you've always that you always like and I'm like, that's a great idea So we she goes and then she buys me the barbecue and then tells me as I'm like eating I'm covered in sauce She's like tells me that she breaks me. So she took me to my favorite thing took me favorite barbecue restaurant

It was like she like I was old yeller. She old yellered me. That's, I don't get the reference because I've never seen old yeller. That's where he took the dog out that he loves and then he shot the dog at the end. Oh my God. You don't know this movie?

She did old yeller you. I don't know the movie, but now I understand it. That's fucking wild. Because now you're going to associate things you like with breaking up. This guy broke up with me and then I was like, I need closure. This is back in the day where I fucking need a closure.

And he's like, okay, how about we go for ice cream? And I was like, okay. So he went to Ample Hill's Creamery when it was still open in LA. And I was like, he took me to get ice cream because he knows a fat lady's not gonna cry over ice cream. That's the saddest thing you could see out in the wild. Just a fat crying over something delicious

that you know that they like. He knew, he knew. Yeah, that's wild. Did you cry on the ice cream? No, because I didn't wanna be the fat lady crying over ice cream. Okay, so you held it back. If everyone would wonder, what more does she need?

She's got a thing that makes her happy. I wonder what more does she need? She's got a thing that makes her happy. But I, yeah, the pandemic was an excuse somebody used. Tennis was an excuse somebody else used. Yeah, he needs to focus more on tennis and his job. Is he a professional tennis man? No. No.

He was a hobbyist. And then, oh, I have broken up with somebody. I was like, I don't know if this is working out. I think we want two different things. And then they were rather mean about it. And then I did, well, I didn't break up with anybody, but this man on Hinge had his dating goals were like, he's still figuring them out.

And I was like, you know, I thought about it. If you're still figuring it out and you're almost 40, I can't be the one to help you with this. I mean, at that point, it's like, yeah, you're not trying to figure it out. You figured it out, but you're not being upfront about what your conclusion has been and that this man wants to casually get people that's also okay Say that yeah say that like you're not gonna anybody's feelings

I truly think it's the fear that holds people back like just you it's so scary So okay, we're we're living our lives in the creative fields That's a scary proclamation to make in itself. But even within that, you go, oh, what do you wanna be, right? I started making, I made my short film and I'm thinking like, I love standup comedy, but what do I really wanna do? I wanna make feature films, I wanna be a filmmaker.

And so to proclaim that, there's a level of fear because then if I say it out loud, I need to commit myself to that and I could fail or people know that or all these different kinds of things are scary because it requires work. Same thing for you. If you say, oh, I want to be this thing that's a slight, slightly different than what I'm doing, whatever you proclaim that you have to back it up because that's the kind of person that you are and that's how we all try to live our lives. And it's the same thing I think within relationships where it's like,

it's scary to be like, I want to casually date people or I want to be a married person because I want to have a family because then that's what you're putting out. And that's the- But then it would just make everything so much easier. Do you know what I'm saying? Totally agree, but it's scary. Like if you are dating a bunch of people, let me know on the first fucking date.

Truly, on the first date, second date, be like, just FYI, I am dating a bunch of people. And then I go, okay, so then I don't even have to wonder if I'm the only one, and then two months in, I don't have to be like, are you fucking other people? And then they're like, mm, yeah. And you're like, okay, well, just tell me. If you don't wanna be in a long-term relationship, tell me. Tell me second date, just're like, okay, well, like, just tell me. If you don't wanna be in a long-term relationship,

tell me, tell me like second date, just be like, just so you know, I am just having fun in the sun. But then I did have someone tell me that they were not ready for a relationship and I said, I will stick around and I will change your mind. And guess what, I did it.

I did it. I did it. I did it. But it's good that you tried, I think. You know, my therapist says otherwise. She does say I learned a lot, but she was like, you know, when people tell you something, you should believe them. And I feel like if you tell me earlier. I'm with you though.

Honesty about what you want and being honest with yourself about what you want is very important. And so if you're honest with the other person, you're going to get back what you're putting out. But scared, scared, scared to commit. It is scary. It's scary out here. Ryan, when did you start dating? Did you start dating in like middle school, which is something I don't understand? No, nobody wanted to date me.

No, I had a middle school girlfriend, kind of. Okay. I had a girl who asked her friend to ask me if I was into her or whatever. And I was like, you know, skateboarding and chewing gum and like, yeah, okay. And then I didn't date anybody through high school, try as I might. College I started to, I had a couple, I had like one girlfriend in college and I dated

a couple of people sort of, but like even that was like not that long. You know? And then I came to the city and that kind of trend kind of continued. I didn't date anybody more than like a month and a half or two months. You don't have like, you don't have chuckle fuckers? There's nobody after shows who's like,

oh, Ryan, wow, that was so funny. There was like, there were like girls who were around the comedy show that we had in college and they were really fun and they were around all the time. But it was like, I don't know if it was, there was like a group of them and a group of the comedian boys, you know. But no, I've had one,

that's happened to me a couple of times where I've been like approached. But the one time that I always remember, obviously, No, I've had one, it's happened to me a couple of times where I've been approached. But the one time that I always remember, obviously, is because Grace and I had just got back together. We just got back together, okay? Reconciliation Day. So I guess it was April or May, right? And I did a show at the now no longer existing Caroline's Comedy Club.

Rest in peace. And, rest in peace. And I did great, okay, it was really fun. Killed. And then I go around to the bar to get, you know, signed to get paid. And there is a girl there that is like, in like the, easiest way to describe it is like,

she's my type, she's incredibly attractive to me. She's a really attractive person. And she- I like that you say to me. Well, I don't know what everybody's into, okay? I like going to the dentist, you don't. You're right, but I feel like there's like a universal pretty, there's just like,

this person is pretty. She's pretty close to universally pretty. Like somebody that I wouldn't actually talk to. Because I'd be like, I'm gonna be bothering them and end up sneezing on them or something She approaches me and she's like that was so funny. I'm not here for this long and she's Australian by the way I'm not here for this long Not quite like that, but it was attractive. Oh, are you sure? Ay, I like your set. I'm not here for this long.

That's not... I don't know. Now I'm doing Cockney. When I try to do an English accent, I sound deaf, so I don't think I should be doing this. The shrimp and the barbie, I'm not here for this long. Okay, it's getting worse. It's getting worse. Okay, so she's Australian? She's hot?

She's Australian. She's super hot. She basically is like, I will... she doesn't so much say this, but she's like, what are you doing after the show? We, I want to get together with you. And I was like, I have to leave. Oh. I gotta go. And I'm proud of myself for this decision, obviously.

But I'm also like, couldn't I, you've been at a show like a month ago, two months ago? What are you doing? Killing me. I always am so jealous of male standups who get pussy just thrown at them. I used to get some pussy thrown at me and then some dick attached to a pussy, that doesn't make sense.

It would be like a woman and her husband being like, hey, would you like to let us take you out for a drink? And it was always people that I was like, mm, no, I don't think so. And it was never anyone who was my type or someone that I found to be attractive. No offense if you're listening and you've offered a threesome to me.

But plus you also know that that is like a one night experience and a story for them or whatever and that's not what you really want, right? This Australian lady, there's always an outside shot where now of course I didn't, I'm completely committed to Grace, but boring. But you can meet somebody out and one person, I think. Again, whatever you're into, but then that could be one night experience or it could be like a thing where you see this person for a little while or who knows what.

People get together in all kinds of ways. You're not gonna just like start being married to this couple. Imagine if I did though. I, yeah, I stopped doing meet and greets because it became awkward. Like it was, it didn't feel good being like, oh, it took a lot of like courage to ask me

if I would fuck both of you and I'm gonna say no, or I'm gonna be like, oh, I don't know, maybe, I'll see how I'm feeling. That, and it was draining. You know, you could put that on the ticket, though. Meet and greet, asterisk. No threesomes. Yeah, don't ask me to fuck you.

Please don't. Yeah, that is just like, oh my good, it's so much. I was just in Arizona, and I had good shows. I was in Phoenix. It was 110 fucking degrees at 10 p.m., I couldn't believe it. I said, how are these people living here? Why is it so hot? I was really grateful that the people came out

in 100 degree heat, I wouldn't. I would stay home, I stayed in my hotel room. I went out to explore for half a second, I said, I can't do this. I felt bad, because I was like, I should do a meet and greet. These people came in 100 degree heat, but then I was like, I would have to meet and greet. These people came in 100 degree heat, but then I was like, I would have to stand

in 100 degree heat and like talked. And I was like, and then I have to do another show. Yeah. I guess I could, but then it like turning a room around while someone's doing a meet and greet fucking sucks. You gotta go somewhere air conditioned. It's like meet and greet inside the Walgreens. Right, yeah, meet me in CVS.

But yeah, I had such fun shows. I love how cold a pharmacy is. Me too, it's delicious and it's like crispy air. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yeah, I can't get over how hot Phoenix was. It was, truly, I do a little crowd work now and I always ask like who's in a relationship. I love hearing relationship stories,

obviously I have this podcast. But everyone in Phoenix asked like, who's in a relationship? I love hearing relationship stories, obviously. I have this podcast. But everyone in Phoenix was like, been together 12 years, 13 years, 14 years. And I was like, what is it, too hot to look for other options? And they kind of laughed at that. But I was like, I think I told you some truth.

Yeah, it's true, 100%. Real quick, we have to take a break. Ryan. Yeah. When did you have your first first girlfriend? My first first girlfriend, if we're not including the middle school. Right. My first girlfriend probably would have been like sophomore or junior year of college.

If you can believe it. Honestly, here's the thing. I'm a late bloomer. I didn't use my virginity or anything, or have like, I didn't really date date until like my mid 20s. It was always, it was one night stands in my early 20s to mid-20s.

No, freshman year, freshman year. Okay. You saying I lost my virginity reminded me of an entire other relationship that I had. Wow. Isn't that fun? That's so wild. You just forget people. I mean, it happens.

They just like, they fade away. You can't even remember the people that you forgot. That's just how it goes. That's how it goes. You can't remember remember the people that you forgot. That's just how it goes. That's how it goes. You can't remember the people you forgot. I once fucked a man who, I think I've told this story before, but you were like,

you can't remember the people you forgot, and it just made me remember this man. I hooked up with this man who had a brother, and then my roommate at the time was hooked up with the brother, or was talking to the brother while I was hooking up with the other brother, but they were long lost brothers who had just met and reconnected and decided to share an apartment in New York City where they were sleeping

on bunk beds, and it was so unhinged, and we hooked up. In the bunk beds? In the lower bunk while my roommate friend was like talking to his brother in the living room. She was like, Nicole, it was wild. You guys were so drunk and sloppy.

And I was like, eh-heh. I also blew him in the bathroom, but my friend Jen was like, you were standing up and bent over blowing this man. And I was like, oh, I guess the bathroom was dirty and I didn't wanna get on my knees. But you know, that was my early 20s. I don't, I think I want it deep down a relationship,

but I was like, I don't know how to do that. I'm just gonna stay drunk. Ryan, let me ask you this. As a kid, you wore an eye patch. How do you know I wore an eye patch? Because of my assistant, Lindsay. She does incredible research, and I asked for one pages on people,

just in case she finds something that I don't know about. What? How funny! Like, I knew about your, are you free on a Tuesday, Thursday? And he said, okay, I'll pick where we go Tuesday, and you pick Thursday. Oh my gosh. Because Lindsay found that. Oh, I, and he said, okay, I'll pick where we go Tuesday, and you pick Thursday. So, because Lindsay found that.

Oh, I think she must've listened to, maybe she listened to my podcast that I do with Grace, sometimes. Oh, maybe. But, I did. I wore an eye patch. For how long? I had a, like a lazy eye as a kid,

and I think I wore an eye patch from like, three to five. So, okay, well you're wearing an eye patch for a lazy eye. Also, it is funny to call your eye lazy, because it's like, I think it is actually trying to work as hard as it can. It's doing its best. And it's kind of rude to call it lazy. I think it's like just an eye

that's having a little bit of trouble. So do you wear it over the eye that's having trouble, or do you wear it over the other eye? I think you wear it over the good eye. having trouble or do you wear it over the other eye? I think you wear it over the good eye. Oh, to make the lazy eye work harder? Yeah, that other guy's gotta go to the gym. That's pretty, I don't know why that's so funny to me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

But I was a little boy pirate for a long time. Did people call you Captain Hook? No, no they didn't, and if they did I don't remember. But kids don't make fun of each other at that age. Oh. You remember, like, no, no, they didn't. And if they did, I don't remember. But kids don't make fun of each other at that age. Oh. You remember, like, no, no, kids don't start making fun of each other until like eight. Because eight is when like third grade, that's like when you start to become socially aware and you start to like see like, you know, social dynamics and hierarchies and whatever

else and you start to think about yourself within those. That's about eight, third grade. Previous to that, it's the glory days. Everybody is a friend. Everybody wants to play. Like I have a two year old, as you know, and most of my day, most of my day, this is not hyperbole, most of my day when he's home,

I'm a fire truck. You're a fire truck. It's imagination central. I'm a fire truck all day. a fire truck. It's imagination central. I'm a fire truck all day. Are you wearing red every single day? No, whatever it is. I'm on hands and knees. He's on my back.

We're going, woo, woo. We're doing a lot of trains. We're doing dinosaurs. It's great. That's cute. Throw an eye patch on him. No one's making fun of that kid. I guess, because he's two.

And it's, where is he going? And then, wait, do you still put him in a stroller? Mm, sometimes. Mostly no, because he can walk, and he's not that heavy to carry. But the grocery store is like 10 or 12 blocks away. And that's a stroller trip, for sure. Whenever I see like a big kid in a stroller,

I'm always like, the kid's too big. We've got to get him out of that stroller. He's got to walk. Yeah. There are some major, like, it kid in a stroller, I'm always like, the kid's too big. We gotta get him out of that stroller. He's gotta walk. Yeah, there are some major, like, it's like, this child is a mustache. You need to get him out. Or like when their feet are like dragging in the front. That's very funny to me.

Their feet are like... I saw a kid yesterday with his legs crossed in the stroller, and I was like, well, this kid's too sophisticated. He should walk. He's got his legs crossed. Where are we taking him? He's reading the Wall Street Journal. Is he starting a meeting, a business meeting or something?

You know what I, does your kid have a suitcase yet? I fucking love a little kid in a suitcase. No, is that a thing? Like a Rolly bag? Yes, when kids start traveling, you get them little Rolly suitcases. Oh, that's really nice. And then they have all their things in there,

which I think is funny because I'm like, what things do you have? But I guess you put their little clothes and stuff in there. Also, if I ever had a kid, I would dress them in a little suit to travel so they look like a little businessman on a business trip. That's really a nice thing about them having no agency is you get to just dress them up however you want

and pick them up and move them around. It's great. I like when they start choosing. My friend Lauren will send me pictures of her kid wearing the wildest things. And I'm just like, she's so cool. She's just cool. She's out here living a life.

You know what she is? What? She's a maximalist. She's a, I'm a maximalist. How are you gonna decorate your new place? Really well. And also we are printing the Nicole Byer photo. So as you know, I'm gonna have a photo of you up in my apartment.

So. Which is funny because I have one, two, three, I think I have three photos of myself in my place and then a life-size cutout of myself. It's in my guest room and anytime someone comes to visit me and stay with me, they're like, you don't understand how terrifying that is at night. Because it's just a shadow of you,

and then there's a window with no, I can put up a curtain, but usually there is no curtain. So when there is no curtain, there's like a, like a very ominous shadow. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I love it, I love it. And there's like a very ominous shadow. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

I love it. I love it. Keep it fun. Ryan, okay. So you were single for like a good solid chunk of time. I was single for a long time. I really think that I am like now approaching, I'm a true late bloomer, Nicole.

Okay. And I think that whatever society, talk about society right now, but like men, they're a window for attractiveness is, for the most part, later in their life, and it lasts longer. And I think I'm in the beginning of that. I think I was kind of weird looking for a while. I'm starting to fill out. I have more self-confidence, I'm more secure in my career

and in my family life and whatever else. And I think I'm like- It sounds like you're getting ready to cheat. You're like, I'm at the prime of my life. No, no. I'm gonna get out there and I'm gonna get somebody new, I'm kidding. That's not it, because then if I leave my family to be somebody new, then I'm just like the hot,

weird guy, old guy, you know, and you don't want that either. Isn't that bizarre when people go, like, I don't understand how you like sit in your house, look at your family and then go, I'm going to leave them. Or I'm going to cheat on this woman as she's like taking care of my kid. Oh my God, Ryan Beck, I read this article today. And by article, I mean, on Instagram, it was words, which is sick that Ryan Beck, I read this article today, and by article, I mean on Instagram, it was words, which is sick that I just said I read an article, but I just mean words on Instagram. It was about this woman who divorced her husband

because he tightened all of the lids on their jars of food, and he said he wasn't doing it on purpose, but then things he didn't eat, the lids would be so tight, and then he'd be like, it's not a big deal, I'm just trying to keep the food fresh. He was like gaslighting her into making her think

that he was just doing it to keep food fresh, but he was just actively trying to make her life harder, and it was like driving her crazy. I'm like, when did that man make that choice that he was going to make her crazy like that? Or like, when you cheat on your wife with someone in the office, it's like I gotta stay later for work.

I gotta stay later for work. You smell like somebody else. Like I just, I simply, I don't get how people make those choices. Well, I think, listen, if you really wanna psychoanalyze it, here's what I think. And maybe it's like-

Let's do it. We are two therapists, Dr. Byer and Dr. Beck coming in for duty. Dr. Beck reporting for duty. I don't know why I pretended to put a hat on, but you know. I liked it. I knew a therapist never wear a hat. My therapist never do.

Oh, did I tell you that I, so, nevermind, I'll tell you later. But- Wait, tell me now. No, I had to break up with you. So, you're a great friend. You know this. Do you know this about you? Do you know this about you, Nicole? Nicole Byer, do you know?

Listen, here's the thing. I think there's friends who are good to you, and then I think there's like shitty friends. I don't know. I don't... Okay, so there's a spectrum. You admit it. You are on the better end of it. Okay, you accept however much love that you want

in this current moment and that's fine. All right, but you're a great, I feel that you are a great friend for many reasons. One of them being that in the wake of our shared tragedy, like a couple of weeks later, it was like a Saturday night in New York City. It was like 11 at night. And then you said, do you have a therapist?

You should see, I think you should see a therapist. Out of nowhere. And I was like, and then we had a nice, I don't know if you remember this, but we had a nice little text chat about our feelings about trying to like, you know, get our lives in order. But it was just so, it was so nice.

I was like, she's checking in on me and my mental state and whatever else. And you know, that's, we're talking about therapists or whatever else, but that was a very nice thing that you did. Where I will always remember you checking in on me in this particular moment because it was such an odd, I think I was in like, I was in the subway station. I think it was like the 14th street, like sixth avenue, one of the class, classically dirtiest locations. And it was just like, ping. I think you should have a therapy.

Well, you know, I feel like, especially men, they don't talk enough about like feelings and stuff. Yeah. And it's like men don't talk enough about feelings and stuff. And it's like men don't talk to their male friends. And I mean, I'm generalizing and there's somebody listening who's like, that's a lie and that's true. But I just, I was also like,

so I dated someone for a while who I was like, you gotta get a therapist because he didn't have that many friends. So he would always talk about our dating shit to me. And I was like, I talk to my therapist about our dating shit. I think somebody with no stakes in this, with an outside view, could give you more perspective than me, who is in it.

And we had a friend die, and I just felt like there was only so much that we could do for each other because we're all sad and we're all going through it. And there's been a lot of cathartic moments where we've gotten together and told stories and there was a festival for Kenny DeForest. Say his name. He's a wonderful, or... Wonderful man. Really, really incredible. But I was very like, we were both very much in it. And for you to reach out to me in that particular moment,

out of nowhere, not out of nowhere, out of nowhere, but like it was 11 o'clock on a Saturday, and I think that we had talked like two or three days before. Like it wasn't like we were continuing a conversation. Yes. And it was just like really, it made me very happy in that moment. So. It is hard for me to accept this, but I will.

I don't like, I don't, okay. Wow, I'm having trouble. I think it makes me feel vulnerable to say, oh, I do care about people and things and I try to make people's lives better. It makes me feel insane, and I don't know why. I'll tell you why, because I think it's about what we were talking about earlier.

It's that fear, for whatever reason, even though it's easier, like you stated, to be truthful in your relationship, and to be truthful in your career path, and to be truthful with your friends. It makes things easier when you're honest within those. It's still really scary to admit it. And why does it make you uncomfortable?

I don't know why, but it does. It makes you uncomfortable because it is your truth that you want to be, you know, inspirational to people, a role model to people, a good friend, you know, proclaim that you care about people, make others' lives easier, that's all true, right? So, but it's super hard to say it out loud because there is like a layer of uncomfortable. I don't know why that exists, it just does.

I guess it's like, I don't, receiving compliments, I find it very hard. Being told that like, oh, I appreciate that you did that, I find really hard. Because I guess I'm just like, well, why wouldn't I do that? Right. Why are you thanking me for doing something that anybody should be doing? In the wake of all the Kenny logistics, I did a lot of Kenny logistics and people were thanking me for that kind of stuff.

And I, and you know this, because you were around when I'm responding to this kind of stuff, but it was like, you don't need to thank me. This is what you do in this situation. And that's the whole way that, that's how I operate in every, pretty much every situation. I just do what's necessary. I do what's necessary for grace, for my son, for my friends, for myself. You know, I definitely like need to do probably more for myself. But, you know, it's just what you do. Yeah. Real quick, we have to take another break. Can I tell you, talking about receiving compliments, I did a show, okay, and it was not a wonderful

experience but it was on a cruise ship. The only time I've done comedy on a cruise ship. But I needed that big check. And so I went out to this cruise ship and I was like waiting around all week just like floating at sea and I did my show. And some man who clearly English is not his first language was like some Italian man came up to me after my show and I was like it was Matteo Lane it was not Matteo Lane but surprisingly like the show went great I

was like this is really fun I like look at me I feel actually like pretty good so I'm like going around and I'm just like trying to like scrounge at the buffet or whatever and this Italian man came up to me and he was like, funny comedian man. And I said, yeah, hey. And he goes, hmm, very casual. Very casual. And I thought that was the highest compliment I could get from a guy who doesn't speak English. As very casual, kind of nailed it from this Italian man in his 50s.

I was like, that must mean that he enjoyed it, I guess. I don't know. I think so. To me, it sounds like he was like, everything that came out of your mouth was natural. You weren't trying so hard. Oh, I'm nothing but casual, Nicole. You'd see my show and you'd be like, wow, she tries very, very hard.

You put on a great show. Stop it. People want to meet, greet, and bring you into their marriage. Thank you. That's how great the show is. Although, one show I did in Phoenix, I was like, I have not had to work like this in a long time. It was a late show, and I think people had been drinking before,

and I think when you're drinking in the heat, no, late Saturday. Late Saturday. So it's like, they were doing maybe outside things I don't know, and boy oh boy, I was like, please laugh. Late Saturday. So it's like they were doing maybe outside things I don't know and boy oh boy I was like, please laugh at these things. The early show they were laughing, why aren't you? And that is the wildest thing about comedy

because you will do the same joke bar for bar and at seven p.m. hits, laughs, applause break and then at the 9.45 show, bar for bar, same fucking thing, crickets. The people come up to you after and they go, we loved it, that was the best thing ever. Yeah, we loved it so much and I was like, why didn't you laugh? It's my worst experience.

It's on TV, I need a ha ha ha. My feature, this girl Liz Barlow, who I fucking love, she's so wonderful, she's got this great Drake joke, and it kills me every time. I've heard it, I've heard it, like at that point I'd heard it three times and the fourth time it didn't hit and I was like, I'm gonna have a bad show, I'm gonna have a bad show.

Oh no, and then she told another joke and got him back and I was like, oh wait, they like that one, okay. You do, like before shows I'm doing mental gymnastics. Cause I was like, well, I'm only working for an hour or two hours if I do two shows, but I'm like, no, no, Nicole, you do your makeup for an hour and you listen to your set beforehand, you walk over to the show,

and then you have to listen to the audience and see what they like and what they don't like. And if something might not hit, if they get offended by this, maybe you take this out, or maybe you just word it a little different. And I'm like, woo, Lord Jesus, this is tough. Yep.

But listen, I think it's great that you are putting that much work into it, because there are plenty of people who don't, and they're not going to get any better. I mean, you're right. Although, I did try new jokes at the second show the first night. And what I did was in between shows,

I was like, oh, wait, this would be funny if I said this. But then I didn't write the joke. Do you know what I mean? Like I was just like this premise. And then I said it and I was like, oh shit, I didn't like think this through. I was like, did desert brain get me? Did the heat get me?

Did I forget how to do the standup? Oh God, I could talk stand up all day with you, Ryan. Here's a question I have. Hit me. What advice do you have for all the little single brothers and sisters and little divas out there? Oh my gosh, well, I don't want to beat this drum so much, but the thing that I had to do before I really could couple

up with anybody, namely my wife, was I had to figure out my own thing, right? And I had to be honest with myself about what I wanted. And who I wanted to be, right? And so I think that's a major part of it. I think you have to, because for a very long time, I was out there like a little puppy dog, like trying to find somebody, are you uh, are you, are you the one? And it doesn't work that way. Like you can't, you know, this has been said many times,

but it's like people, you know that phrase, like I want my better half, I want to find my better half. It's like, yeah, but that's the wrong framework because you yourself are a whole person and you have to be a whole person and you need to find another whole person that you enjoy spending time with. Not somebody that you only want to have sex with, or somebody that you only want to talk to but you're not attracted to.

It's like you're trying to check all the boxes. Because eventually, especially if you get married, I'm only going to get older and weirder, and our bodies are going to change, and our libidos are going to change, whatever else. Grace and we're gonna our bodies are gonna change and like our libido's are gonna change whatever else Grace and our friends we have a lot of laughs. We're really fun. We also uh, you know do everything else that you do in a relationship but it's because I felt like I I don't know. I figured out who I was the best I could at that particular time and I think that's really the trick,

is like, get your own house in order, and then go meet somebody and be nice to them. And if you're not expecting them to fill some kind of gap inside of you, you're gonna have a better success rate. I like that. I like clean your house and make sure it's nice for someone to come over and have a nice time in it. I don't understand people who, like...

Okay, here's a question. Why did you... Did you know your house wasn't in order when you first started seeing Grace, or did you figure that out throughout the month you were first together? Well, I mean, that's a tough one. That's a tough one. I think it's probably like... You have to be really, like... I don't want to say too much about

anything, but it's when you struggle with like depression or anxiety or any kind of like mental thing, it's like if you really do want to fix not fix yourself, but like get your stuff in order, help yourself a little bit. Yeah. It also requires like self awareness and it requires like being honest with yourself and like there's like work to it, you know? Yeah.

So when I got together with Grace, the first time I was like, she's cute, I'm attracted to her and we should, you know, I wanna date somebody. It wasn't like, I'm a mess and I'm gonna dupe her. Oh, okay. You know, it wasn't like. No, I get it. We were just like, oh, this is a fun thing.

And then you're like, uh-oh. Uh-oh. Things are happening and I'm not ready for them. I get that. Yeah. Before I, I don't think I could have been capable of a relationship before starting ADHD medicine. Like I simply do not think I could,

like just thinking of myself in my early 20s, the bitch was wild. Also, I just like didn't have the bandwidth. Like I don't think I could be a person that was dependable or like could show up and do those things, which is like really funny in hindsight. Yeah, I completely get it. Also, I think I'm going to be investigating the hopefully by the time that the pod comes out

I will have talked to somebody about ADHD medicine or Depression anxiety whatever I've got. I already know that I have like OCD but I got to figure out whatever it is going on and like I think I need to seek some help because The ADHD thing I didn't know that I was really like this, and this has since become a line in my act, so spare me, but this is like, or I'm sorry, but this is the exact way that this went, and I was just like, I'm gonna repeat this to everybody now, because I, Grace goes to me, she goes, Ryan, I think you have ADHD, and I was like, what makes you say that?

And she was like, you said I'm gonna go take a shower, and now you're naked in the kitchen peeling potatoes. I'm like, okay. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I mean, yeah, that is... Yeah. I will have to leave for the airport and I'll be like, oh, I should put my clothes away. Um, and last night, I did actually put my clothes away,

but it did take me a very long time. But when I was done, I was like, hey, Nicole, you did it. You got a little distracted, but the clothes are away. I have to congratulate myself when I complete tasks and remind myself when I do complete a task, that was harder for me than it was for other people. And that is, it is a nice thing that I did. Yeah.

Lately, I've been trying to talk nicer to myself and I think it's helping. I saw a friend for the first time the other night and a long time he was like, something's different in your spirit. And I was like, yeah dude, I'm trying to be nice to myself. I'm trying to live this life and be kind to this person that other people like a bunch and I like me,

but sometimes I'd be really hard on myself when I'm in between jobs. I'm like, I'll never work again, I'm talentless. And it's like, and I like me, but sometimes I'd be really hard on myself like when I'm in between jobs, I'm like, I'll never work again, I'm talentless. And it's like, bitch, no, it is a lull for a reason. You need this break, you recharge a little bit, I don't know, but I do like that advice to just like get your shit in order. Because yeah, I'm in the midst of trying

to get my shit in order and I'm having fun doing it for the first time. That's great. That's really great. And then you're gonna be able to like make a true proclamation about like what you do and don't want and what you're gonna tolerate. Yeah.

And then I'll get my back blown out. That's right. Okay, Ryan. Ryan, we have come to the end. Oh, devastating. I feel like we could do hours and hours more. the end. Oh, devastating. I feel like we could do hours and hours more. I know. And we will.

Yeah, when I come to New York, we'll hang out. Oh wait, remember that, why can't I say, that night I was making carbonara in the apartment you shared with Matteo when he lived in the hobbit hole in Secheur and you had the smallest living room known to man. Yes. And we woke you up, how mad were you actually?

Probably not mad. I think I was playing the little grumpy spirit, but nothing would make me happier than to spend time with you guys, but I think I was probably playing into the bit. It was like two o'clock in the morning, and we were like tea hee hee drunk. We were just like, I'm just happy to be included. And also, like I said, that was what? That was

like a decade ago. Yeah, it was. It was a decade ago. You know? And I think and your guy here has done had a lot of personal growth since then. And I don't play the grumpy, the grumpy cat anymore, okay? No. I would come out there, we'd have some more drinks and we would fix that pasta because you definitely made scrambled eggs with noodles in it. And that was- It was so fucking nasty.

So, Sharon and I didn't finish it. It was so gross. But Tay was like, why don't you wake me up? And I was like, listen, we were having a time. We were wasting food. I don't know. Okay, Ryan, I asked most of my guests this. I forget all the time.

It is wild. Sometimes I'm like, I... It seems like I've never hosted this podcast a day in my life and I'll like forget it. Since you asked me to do the podcast, I've been thinking about this question and I've been ready to answer it. Would you date me?

Absolutely, I would date you, however I am married. Ooh! Yay! You know, but would I date me? Absolutely, I would date you however I'm married. Ooh, okay. But would I date you? Of course I would date you. I think the world of you, I think you are a wonderful person who is doing good work that she believes in

and you are a net positive for humanity and that is the type of person that I want in my life. Who else is texting you at 11 p.m. You need to go to a therapist. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'll tell ya, I'll tell ya where you need to go. Thank you, Ryan. Do you have anything you wanna promote?

Oh my gosh, listen, I really want people to watch my short film. That's on my YouTube and on my Vidmeo. It's called A Few Days Home in Johnson County. That's something I'm really proud of. I have my standup special on YouTube. Find me on Instagram is really the thing because I've got a lot of projects that are coming out,

but I also am gonna shoot a new standup special next year too. So find me at IamRyanBeck on Instagram. That's the best place to keep up with all things me. But yeah, that's mainly it. So I'm really like I'm working on a movie and all this kind of stuff. But like these things are not things that I can actively promote at the moment. I get it. More to come. I also have an announcement.

My YouTube is much easier to find. I changed the name from Whoopi Goldberg to Nicole Byer. I didn't. OK, so the Whoopi Goldberg thing is a bit, and I didn't realize I could just change my YouTube, because it's linked to Google or whatever, and I didn't know I could just change it up until like a month ago, and I put out a crowd working special,

and people were like, this is fucking hard to find, and I was like, because the channel's Whoopi Goldberg. But I finally figured out how to fucking change it. And I'm so proud of myself. I am a dinosaur when it comes to YouTube and TikTok and shit like that. Yeah. But I'm proud of you too. And I think it's really great.

And I think instead of, we should practice this self-worth and the nice talk. And instead of being upset about how long it took us to figure this out, it's that we made this positive change here in the now. Yes. Let us go forth. Also. And forever be Nicole Byer.

Yes. Did you know, Ryan, that when you upload stuff to YouTube, you should do it on your computer and not your phone? Mmm, what? Yeah. I tried to upload the hour-long crowdworking special on my phone and it took a full day. Ugh. A full day. I'm tired of all these apps and these different companies having all their secret rules. Just tell us. It's like dating. It is dating is hard. Don't make me guess what this secret algorithm is.

Please. Awful. Well, Ryan, that's it. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? You can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywon'tyoudatemepodcasts at gmail.com,

Mars will read it and then she'll put it in a Google doc and then I will read it. Okay, Nicole, I've always fantasized about taking you to a grand drag ball. I would love to go to a ball. You'd be in a stunning glittery gown with a mask that enhances your fierce allure. I'd find you in the crowd, sparkling like a diamond,

and lead you to a hidden room behind the velvet curtains where I'd press you against the wall, lifting your dress and entering you with a hunger matching the intensity of the voguing beats outside. That is actually very funny. We'd fuck like animals, our moans blending with the fierce sounds of the ball. Afterward, we'd return to the runway strutting our stuff like nothing happened. And with each strut and pose, we would share a secret smile, knowing that the fiercest performance of the night happened behind those velvet curtains.

This was from Albert. Thank you, Albert. That was like, I don't know. That was like very, it's what I imagined Stephanie Myers was doing when she wrote 50 Shades of Grey as her Twilight fan fiction. So thank you so much. Okay, that's it.

Bye-bye! Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Maddie Ogden.

Got a question? Crazy dating story? Or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to WhyWon'tYouDateMePodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening! We'll see you next week with a brand new episode!