Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Faking Orgasms (w/ Stavros Halkias)

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

Comedian Stavros Halkias (Fat Rascal, Stavvy's World) joins Nicole to discuss hooking up with audience members, why he believes he would be perfectly cast for 90 Day Fiancé, and faking an orgasm during a disgusting fling just to be polite. Plus, is the golden age of dating apps over? According to Bustle, it is.  Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where Mina Kulbaya tries to figure out why I'm still single. Well, I used to be trying to figure it out, but guess what? I don't fucking know, so now I'm just talking to people,

having a nice time, being sad about being single, but also really valuing my meaningful friendships. My guest today is a hilarious comedian, host of the podcast Stabby's World. His new comedy special, Fat Rascal, is now streaming on Netflix. It is Stavros Helkius. You got it. You were crushing it before.

You had it. I just got so nervous. I wrote it down phonetically, and then I was like trying to glance at it without like letting you know. And then I really fucked it up. Oh, Stavros, how are you? Good.

How are you doing? Thanks for having me. Listen, I'm thriving. I'm great. I love life. This is 2024. All our dreams are coming true this year. You're a little too positive.

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself. Is everything all right? Are you already spiraling? Well, you know, we're just into January. I'm still single. I don't know if I'm ever going to have a job again. You know, everything's going to be great. Wait, Star Wars, are you single?

I am. Are you married? Are you dating? I'm pretty single, yeah. I'm single as hell, to be honest with you. I'm just out here. Are you on the apps? I'm kind of on the apps.

I'm just out here. What I like to say is I'm out on the breeze just getting my titty sucked town to town. Not really worried about it. Not really thinking about what's going on relationship-wise. Okay. I've basically been touring for two years so it's been like uh you know it's kind of you give yourself the excuse of like well i can't be in a relationship i have i have to travel i have to go town to town and tell people about you know times i busted too fast and uh you know all the how fucked up my family is you know all that kind

of stuff so I'm out here I'm not really this is my first I've had a couple weeks off and it's kind of sinking in I'm like damn should I live my life this way you know I don't know if you feel this way but it's like all my like not all my friends but more and more of my friends are getting married, having kids. So it's kind of the first time where I'm like, oh, should I be doing this? I'm being dragged into thinking about being in a serious relationship, kind of the way I've been dragged into every part of my adult life. It's like I moved to Nework maybe a little too late you know yeah not too late but i was like in my mid-20s but i knew i wanted to do comedy but i was like

too scared to move and then um you know just everything is just kind of everything is just i just follow the lead of my friends who get into who do everything before me and it's now those motherfuckers are married and having kids so i'm like is that because it's it's getting close there's nothing worse than an old guy that's still trying to get pussy like he's young you know what i mean that's like a really yeah but you're a comment yeah but that's like i feel like no nicole that's what they tell themselves you don't want to be i don't want to name any names but off mic i could tell you a couple guys i don't want to be you know what i mean like you just don't you don't want to be that guy you don't want to be the guy with like you know veneers trying to fuck the hostess at a

sushi restaurant showing her you know what i mean like you don't want to be that guy you just don't want to be that specific and i fucking love it you don't want to be the guy with veneers trying to fuck the hostess wait stoppers are you at home right now i am i'm actually in baltimore so i grew up here and um i'm visiting doing a little extended visit um doing an extended visit back back in town yep that's nice because i was like you live in new york with a staircase you're doing really well no no you gotta be matt Matt Damon to have a fucking staircase in New York. I don't have an internal staircase, Nicole. Come on.

That's crazy. I was like, I mean, maybe you don't need a partner. You got a staircase. You're doing fucking well. If I had an internal staircase in New York, I'd have a harem. I wouldn't have a wife. I'd have seven. I'd be in a weird type of

polycule i sometimes think about that i'm like what if i just get like old and weird and have just like a bunch of people around that fuck me because i have money and i take them places right well that's the thing you got to make a decision like are you gonna go are you gonna try and go tradition are we gonna you know or me it sounds like we're the same boat right couple couple girl bosses single too too addicted to our careers you know what i mean so are we gonna make that hard turn and go tradish or are we gonna because another move that i've been thinking about is cool uncle right like okay like like aunt uncle whatever like not still not a complete degenerate you still pop in you still people people still want you around their family but you're you're an

integral part of the family right where it's like you're the uncle that like buys you know i'll buy i'll buy a nephew uh like a toy i. I know he's not allowed to have right. Or like a new shoes that they explicitly said she can't have. Like you come around, you let them see how you're living. You let them do some cool shit. You pop in, you pop out. Everybody know, you know, you're the big city relative where they have, you know, they come visit you once every six months. And then it's like they call you Mr. New York. Yeah. Yeah. you once every six months and then it's like they call you mr new york yeah yeah we get i get we get

matching jackets and say mr new york on the back um you could go that way you could be the cool uncle where it's like you're kind of splitting the difference cool aunt where you're splitting the difference you're still a part of the family but you're still a little bit a little weird or like you're saying maybe just go all the fucking way. Silk robes. You know what I mean? A lot of expensive vintage carpeting. Yeah, carpet on the walls. Carpet on the ceiling.

A couple different fuck rooms. Weird parties. Yeah, exactly. Little eyes wide shut situation. And I don't know that I'm built like that. I think that's a little much for me um i don't want to it's a lot yeah so i think i think i'm i'm either a or b i think i'm gonna go find a nice gal you know settle down at some point or cool uncle you know maybe with uh maybe that's and maybe you can do both maybe you could you know be the cool uncle who is it i think you do both especially if you don't want kids.

I don't want kids. I want a partner. So I'd love to be like the cool auntie with her partner. They drop into town. They're lots of fun. And then they fucking leave. So wait, you're Greek. I am.

Do you? Do you? Did you know? Correct. Stop, Rosie, you're Greek? Correct. Do you feel pressure from your family to find someone and settle down? I think I got pretty lucky where some of the oldest, but my younger brothers, I have two brothers.

They're fraternal twins. They're two years younger than me. We have a nice kind of spread where both of my brothers are married. One is like the traditional like he wants kids he's a family man he's just like such a nice sweetheart he looks after you know he's he's like excited to like look after our mom as she ages you know what i mean like there will be there will be no like fighting over who's the where mom stays it's like she's gone with nick you know what i mean like see we're building it we're building an in-law suite

and so like he's kind of got all of the all the like pressure of like let's let this we know this fucking guy's gonna bring us a grandkid any day now so like they can back off me and my other brother he's all he's an artist uh he's like a visual artist he's maybe even more out there than me and i think my parents are just happy he found someone so they're like just he's good and you know and i've also you know i'm coming through with a couple nice christmas gifts we're paying off a couple we're buying a couple cars we're paying off a couple debts that buys you a lot of time when it comes to when it comes to having to bring a grandkid. Right. Like I've almost I've almost like bribed my mother out of guilting me about why I'm not married. So, you know, as long as the as long as the ticket sales are good, Nicole, I think I'm OK with my family. But it's definitely it's definitely going to start happening. with my family but it's definitely out it's definitely gonna start happening that's great though you're just like i paid off your credit card bill this month so don't don't come to me

with this bullshit get off my dick i'll figure it out yeah one time i did tell her i was she was like she was earlier she was like what's happened nothing was going on my career and she was just like so what's going on you're gonna you know i really want grandkids and i was like i basically was like well look i could get you the grandkid but do you want to look after it i was basically like i will be a deadbeat father and you can why you can raise my child if that's what you need do it i can produce a kid yeah if that's what you need. I can do it. I can produce a kid. Yeah. If that's all you want, just a child, I can do that. But if you want someone to provide for it, I'm not the person. You got to outsource that to yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so she didn't take that. That's so funny. Yeah. Are you first generation Greek? I was the first one born here in my family.

Yeah. So my parents came in the 80s. Where in Greece are they from? My dad's from Athens and my mom is from like Northern Greece. She moved around. Her family moved around a lot. My grandfather was just kind of always like truly traveling for work in like a very almost like post Great Depression way where it's like, pack up kids. We're moving 80 miles they opening

you factory 80 miles away uh-huh in fact the way her family came to america is my grandfather was looking for work here's here's this this is a story that shows you how much uh how much say the wife had in the greek family in the 1950s and 60s where um was looking for work in Greece. Some guy offers him a job. He's like, it pays this much. This is the job you need to do. And it's like twice his pay. It's an incredible, it's like an incredible thing. And he's like, great. Where is it? I'll start tomorrow. And he's like, oh, it's in Baltimore. It is in America. We're currently in Greece. And my grandfather doesn't talk it over with my grandmother doesn't ask these kids how they feel about it he tells the guy great no problem goes

goes home and is like hey gals i'm going to america for six months when i get enough money i'll bring you over and so that's how my family even got to America. So he was literally wild. Yeah, dude. It's like so. And the other side of my family was an arranged marriage. So it's like I'm one generation away from some shit that you'd think only happened like, you know, 300 years ago. But like it was not that long ago. Yeah, that's wild.

So arranged marriage and like what? The like the 50s the 60s yeah no i would say probably i don't know the stamina i think we're both bad at math but i think i should know it's terrible because it's my family i should have this family and i'm gonna say you know i'm just guessing over here hearing it for the first time i'm gonna say right after world war ii is my guess so maybe late 40s oh okay you know yeah that's still pretty wild still pretty wild for sure but yeah you know they so that's that that's so we go back still sometimes it's i do love greece it is a totally different totally different place i love greece oh hell yeah have you been to

mykonos you know i haven't no no disrespect it's a little too touristy for me i'm a little i need that i need that authentic shit fair the authentic greek i get it yeah but i will say this there's no fucking rules there there's no rules you don't gotta stop at a stop sign you gotta stop at a red light if you don't feel like that's true you don't gotta drive on the right side of the road if you don't gotta stop at a stop sign you gotta stop at a red light if you don't feel like that's true you don't gotta drive on the right side of the road if you don't feel like yeah i loved it but i get it it was very touristy yeah yeah yeah also like there's no rules but you could also like be murdered by a sheik's son in mykonos i feel like i feel like just the richest most depraved people are there too so it's like i'd rather be you know i'd rather be just some shitty little

beach no no hookah on the beach but you know still just that's the beauty of greece it's like every place you've been is better than every beach in america it's crazy it's like the shittiest we stopped i stopped i went with my friends this year and we stopped at a roadside literally like it was essentially like uh like um like the equivalent of uh like the on the when you're on the highway and just like the like little travel centers or whatever i don't know what the fuck i'm blanking on the name no rest stop rest stop you kill thank you so it was basically a rest stop and we got like and that just happened to be by a really shitty beach by the highway like

for what i thought was a shitty beach and i took my friends who you know my roommate from my old roommate from new york and his wife and we just i was like let's pop in for a swim and it was like they were like this is one of the best beaches this is better than any beach you know it kills almost anything in america but it rocks great great spot i agree it's stunning i also went to thessaloniki and that was so pretty there you go just i fucking love greece i want to explore all of it uh yeah people are so nice yeah yeah yeah i fucking loved it our whole economy is tourism our whole economy is tourism they got it they got a smile they got it my favorite thing about being in greece is people would go so do you like greece yeah i go yes i love it and they

go of course you do like and i was like what happens if i said no what are we gonna do we gonna hit me wait maybe they'd make you flinch i don't think they'd actually go through with a full slap. But they might buck at you if you said it. That would be exciting. Did you take advantage of the no rules in Mikono? Did you do any little crimes? Were you up to any mischief? I wish I was up to crimes and mischief. All I did was park our atv in random spots that definitely were not

for parking and i ran over a lot of cones to make the atv fit where i needed it to fit okay that's good that's about it that's entry-level stuff oh and we went to a hotel pool because we were i think we were flying out that day so we didn't want to go all the way to a beach and get sandy. Sure. So we went to a hotel pool. Yes. And we were not staying at that hotel, and we lied about our room. Wow. Look at you. Okay.

That's adorable. That's really cute. Just low-level criminal things. Yeah. That's like what the villain in a Nancy Drew novel does. It's like you're barely you're barely you're barely you're like a low like a little like a bully that's what a bully does little barely doing anything that's right though next time are you fluent in greek i can get i i'm i probably speak

like uh like a eighth grader you know what i mean where it's like oh i got it i can i can carry conversation it's probably if you're greek it's probably going to take you like nine minutes. Maybe not nine minutes. It's going to take you six minutes to realize. People have a hard time figuring out what's off because my accent is really good, but I speak really, and I don't seem dumb to them, but I'm speaking like I'm dumb. You know what it means? Uh-huh.

What's going on? What's going on with this guy because that my first words were like i spoke greek before i spoke english so my i've kept i think i i think that really helped my pronunciation and my accent and uh and so i'm pretty you know i'm good about it but i definitely i do want to have a little at some point in my life uh maybe if we keep going down the weird crazy uncle path, I want to have a little eat, pray, love. Three months, four months in Greece where I just stay there. I'm speaking Greek. I rent a place.

I'm just living my life fully in Greece, in Greek, but reconnect with my roots type of shit. But maybe that's the answer. I like that. Maybe that's the answer. Find a girl from the village. Yes. It might be kind of cute oh my god my big fat i love this you can have your own big fat let's get me on the phone somebody quick oh my god i need let's reboot it

we're there did you watch the third one i haven haven't yet. I'm about to though. A big, you know, we have to support our people. Yeah. There's no way. I mean, the original one was an event in the Greek community in Baltimore. They were only showing it at the Art House Theater in Baltimore. And these villager Greeks that had moved to Baltimore to open carryouts were like just standing in line in like the artsy fartsy uh downtown movie theater they're playing like foreign movies and they're like line out the door of just like adidas slides and like track suits to go see

my big fat greek wedding the original one so i remember that one very very vividly but i haven't seen the newest one no i didn't see the first one didn't see the second one but they explained the first and second one in the beginning of the third one and i said that's very kind of you i'm caught up oh come on you gotta watch the first one the most successful the the most successful romantic comedy in history in american box office history belongs to. I know. You got it.

The first one. Yeah. First was a classic, especially if you're a rom-com gal. I do like rom-coms. One of my favorite ones has never been kissed. Okay. Oh, that's the problem. It's kind of problematic.

But yeah, it is fun. She. You are actually absolutely right. I really didn't think of it till right now i'm like yep a woman goes undercover in a high school she kisses her teacher while her brother makes out with underage girls it's so fucked up yeah she's trolling for child dick and then actually gets by accident she gets grown man dick who doesn't know it the guy doesn't know it the guy is no he thinks he's on his mikanos he thinks on mikanos shit on mikanos time where there's no

fucking rules yeah that's so i truly hadn't thought of it in so long i'm like yeah that's that's bad but it's a banger in early 2000s a lot of shit done I'm like yeah that's bad the 90s and early 2000s a lot of shit done holed up but it is you know you don't want to go further back let me tell you it doesn't start at the 90s and early 2000s you get some of those 80s movies and it's like

oh this is full on assault as a plot point the whole plot is assault you're like oh did anybody watch this before you put it out there? And they're like, we all did. We all did. We all fucking liked it.

We all did. And it was great. I punched up the assault. Yep. Yep. Yep. Police Academy. They just have the, they just have police captain getting his dick sucked against his

will. They're just, they're doing, you know, lighthearted. Lighthearted assault. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it is a good movie i'll give you that if you lose if you suspend disbelief and uh you're like everyone here is a consenting adult actor let's just have a good time uh-huh have a nice time it's also funny to be like we we thought drew very more could pass as a high schooler yeah we what we no not at all she don't look like a high schooler it's the eternal high school like movie and tv show problem where it's like these are 27 year olds it's like euphoria yeah it's like you see the

cast of euphoria like that's my favorite like a funny thing that people do online is like show you know these people euphoria who are just like everyone's a piece of ass on the cast and then you show what they actually looked like in high school and they're like cute little kids you know what i mean they're like yeah they were actually children. Yeah, they're like apple-cheeked, pimply motherfuckers. But, you know. Yeah, that's like 13 reasons why. You're like, wait a minute. This grown-ass man is supposed to be in high school.

What are we doing? What is this? Yeah. But what are you going to do? Stavros, real quick, we have to take a break. Let's take one. Boop, boop, boop, boop. We're back. Okay, so you've said in the past, while on tour, when you get to a new city, you immediately start swiping on Tinder.

Is this still the case? Not the case? What are we doing? I've matured. Yeah, those were when I was a feature, when I was an opening act. when i was a feature when i was an opening act and i only all i had to do was do 20 minutes of material where it's like no one's there for me no one gives a fuck i just have to not bomb i did not think about comedy at all i would like swipe from like as soon as the tar i'm on the tarmac i'm i'm swipe until i run out of swipes in cincinnati or But no, these days I'm more, you know, I'll just say on stage like, hey, if anybody wants

to watch guys' grocery games and give me some top, I'm around. DM me. That's really. Has that worked? You know what? It really has. Oh my God. I i know that is wild it's an embarrassed it's kind of it's an embarrassment of riches i'm i'm kind of like a like of the lions at the zoo that they just get

steak sent at them you know what i mean like even tinder i'm like ah swipe on tinder no thanks i got i got some candy bars you know we can u eat some Ben and Jerry's and we're gonna see what Guy's up to what kind of grocery game he's into yeah I have gotten I've had sex probably way too much in my life with like the chopped

theme music playing in the background or you know like I'm a big that has happened a lot but you know to each his own that's how i relax on the road that's nice thank you i don't have that i don't have that uh experience at all nothing at all um i constantly am like who's a single i don't have single men in my audience right they're usually lovely gay men right right i once tried to hook up with one because he was down to hook up but it was very clear that he was gay and didn't like my parts

which is fine that's fine but why do we get that far he's such a fan he's like maybe i can bend my sexual orientation maybe i can pretend this clit is a dick and I'll come and I'll be fine. But he, he did not have the sense of whimsy and wonder to pretend that my clit was a dick. He was instead pretty upset. Wow. Wow.

You can, you hate this. That's a failure in our public education system. Not teaching imagination as far as I'm concerned. Yes. Just if you want it to happen, you got a dream dream that's what martin luther king's dream was about you gotta dream about the right body part on the wrong

person you can bust in any situation that's that's where the lesser dreams that doesn't get doesn't get that doesn't get publicized as much. That's a shame. And then one of my last shows, I was like, it is. It is a shame. One of my last shows, I was like, are there any straight men here? And this one man was like, yeah. And then this lady went, he works here. And I was like, okay.

The only straight men at my show work at the show. Cool. Well, that's all right. You can fuck the sound guy. It's tough. You know, the sound guys are all married everyone who works at theaters or who works on sets they're all married they're all very happy and it's it's sad that's so interesting because i i would assume because like you know my audience is most or at

least it used to be like mostly dudes and still i would say mostly dudes but you know there there's a lot there's a nice amount of like you know reluctant girlfriends that are there uh but you know there there's a lot there's a nice amount of like you know reluctant girlfriends that are getting there but you know anytime you get famous on the internet there is a lot there's a nice contingent of mentally ill women on the internet i don't know if you know this nicole so even if the numbers aren't great you just need a couple you just you know you just need a couple you just need one or two. And we got to figure out a way. Because if you looked at the demographics of people that would fuck me that come to my show.

And people that would fuck you that come to your show. It's probably pretty equal except for that magic one or two in my show. So we need to figure out how to get you just one or two guys in there you just one or two guys in there one or two guys just one or two that you know that's crazy you deserve you deserve to get sucked off in the hotel room i really i that's what i think i really think so i would love for someone to root around in my pussy in my hotel room while i'm in cleveland is that so much to ask truly come on i have not been having good luck on the dating apps and my lovely producer mars sent me an article from bustle.com if you ever heard of it bustle.com where apparently the dating apps are all bad and

everyone hates them and jg's not on them and millennials are tired of it um and the golden age is over i think it is over i also think it's over i go on them every now and again i like get in my head i'm like okay i'm gonna swipe i'm gonna i'm gonna try to fucking do this yeah and then i start swiping i'm like this is the most depressing thing i could be doing with my day absolutely that's insane so so they're just over in general you like that's the the trend is that they're over and they've been over and you're saying they've just kind of been over for you too because i i felt that way i've kind of been over them myself where it's like i don't want to yeah this is a you know total i don't want to swipe and then go out with a fucking person I don't know and be like,

I don't love you. I love my friends. I don't know you. You don't know much about them either. If you meet on social, I feel like most people are looking up off social media because you can at least get a little more of a snapshot of what the person's like on there. You know what I mean? You can at least see how their

their fake curated version of themselves uh how that's going so we're not we're getting nothing out of the dms nothing's going on what are what are we what is your usual if you if you were like time to get dick down uh-huh what's the what what are we doing what's the like protocol how are we getting there you know i haven't been down in a minute we gotta fix this we gotta fix this it's been a minute i was dating someone for a little bit so like that's who would dick me down right and we broke up a while ago and then i was just like sad about it right now i'm not sad anymore and i'm like i don't fucking know how to do this anymore so i'm like i guess if i really wanted to i would swipe on tinder till i match with someone and then go fuck that person but it's like right right if do i want the person to be

attractive do i want to like them that's the hard part well now you're getting crazy i know well i think you're probably in a little bit of a transitionary, you know, like, you know, the dating, going off something steady to getting fully back in the streets is kind of tough. That is a, it's kind of like you just, and my advice would be just, just put a couple of points on the board. You know what I mean? Let's not worry about it. It doesn't got to be perfect. You don't. This is not going to be your husband.

You know what I mean? You're right. Just do some layups. Some three-point shots. Some half-court shots. See if they fucking go in. Get back in the mix. Get back in the game.

And be like, all right. You knock the rust off. And then then you know you're feeling less of that because i know that's a tough feeling to be on because you're like uh what am i even doing here what you know you just got to get that out you just got to get the self-doubt out it's got it's got to not feel like something new you know what i mean you just got to get back you know you just got to knock the rust off and then i don't know you say you love your friends what are these friends this is my thing where are these friends they don't got friends that's one of

the best things to do no my friends don't have friends they're all comedians they're all actors they don't we know the same fucking people that sucks not at not a one has like this is this is tough i i have i have kept my friends from like most of of my friends, obviously, I'm like you, it's like a lot of comedians, we have a lot of mutual friends, a lot of, they are pretty useless in terms of their social circle, but I have kept my best friends that I grew up with, and that's kind of nice, because it's like know they got some non-showbiz you know some real human beings that aren't like you know constantly worried about shit that doesn't matter that you might actually have like an actual con like people that aren't aware of like what hulu's up to you

know what i mean you need to meet some people like that you need to you need to people who are just like hulu's an app that i don't have and it's like but what are they producing yeah i don't know i don't care you need someone that you need some people you need to be at a bar with people that have no idea what a mandate is that don't know what paramount plus is you know what i mean they just need that they need that's what you need to just kind of because i do think that's the other thing with like the showbiz shit where it's like it's just like i don't know it kind of like what makes you fun and what makes you you gets kind of zapped in those like areas where it's like if it's your friends then everybody's fucking around everyone's whatever but it's like i don't know like in a room full of just like nice people that don't give a fuck about any of that stuff it's like you'd be the fucking you know you're you're you're crushing it you know what i mean you're the life

of the party everyone's like that girl fucking rules you know it's like no one's talking about their career everyone's just having a good time and i think you need i don't know like a like a an accountant i think you're right or even a handyman accountant well i'm just meaning like a handyman you know i'm into that yeah that. Yeah, go blue collar with it. Like, I do like, because I, back to the other conversation of, you know, if you're thinking about dating again, and this is my, me, it's like, I kind of would like somebody to not have a headshot. You know what I mean?

Like, I've dated actress actresses i've dated comedians and it's like i kind of want somebody who does some boring shit who isn't impressed who isn't impressed with my dumb bullshit who thinks it's actually annoying and i have to relate to them as a human being like if if like your skill becomes like almost a negative to your partner like if they don't find your little if they don don't find your cute little tricks, if they see right through them, that's what you need. And it's just about, you know, all right. I don't know. That's me anyway.

I don't want to project too much, but that's what I'm thinking. No, that's me. The happiest I've been dating is with people who are not in the industry. I've like hooked up with a bunch of like stand-ups and improvisers or whatever and it's like cool so we fucked and then we're gonna talk about like our type fives for like late night brutal i don't wanna do that i'd rather talk to i dated like a bartender for a little bit and that was fun because i was like i don't know anything about mixing cocktails so you like would teach me shit and that was fun yep um was like, I don't know anything about mixing cocktails. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he would teach me shit and that was fun.

Yep. But yeah, I don't want to date an actor, a comic, none of that shit. No, no, no. You don't need that. But somebody who gets it and is like, okay, that like, I'll be gone some weekend. Sure, sure, sure. And if I get a job in Atlanta, I have to go to Atlanta. And it's like, you might come visit.

Or like, you have to be kind of, what is it? Bendable? Flexible? Flexible, yeah. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. We just got to get some dick first. And then we can worry about how flexible they are. But then we can worry about what kind of Southwest miles they got,

they can use to come visit you in Atlanta. You know what I mean? Southwest? Hey'm a Delta Diamond Diva, okay? I'm not talking about you. What did we just say? You need some blue-collar dick and now you're already poo-pooing Southwest? You gotta change the way you're looking

at stuff. You need a man with no lounge access. Alright, alright, alright. Bring your Southwest points over to my pussy. I guess I'm okay with it. Stavros, can I ask you about 90 Day Fiance? Sure, you absolutely can. So you said that you would be best on 90 Day Fiance.

Have you ever thought about going somewhere, picking up a lady and then yeah applying to be on the show yeah well i think if i think i would be the perfect like like um just the entire like i could play the part of the like like basically what i what i'm saying is like if they made a movie about that guy with the little fucked up neck that guy ed or whatever the fuck his name is ed yeah like i would be the perfect like i show up just some fat american and like there's some the most striking like indonesian woman you've ever seen in her whole family sees me come through hawaiian shirt like oh let's go to hooters. Like, they're just pissed off. They're just mad to see me.

Like, that's one of my favorite moments in those shows is when just the ugly American shows up and everyone's like, ah, come on, what are we doing here? And even they want to be like, they don't have, there's a language barrier for them to be like, my son is trying to take advantage of you. Please don't steal my son and don't let him ruin

your life but they just don't speak the same language like i think i would excel at that part now in terms of becoming a passport bro like going uh i would i think i just i i don't know about that i don't know that i would explicitly go you know, sort of buy a wife is kind of what it feels like with some of those shows, but it is low key is like, it's like a modern day mail order rides. You just like go to poor countries and you're like flashing your money. You're like, you come back with me.

And they're like, yeah, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. For running water, I guess. Um, but I, I think I would like to, again, just thinking about it it's like being greek is so important to me and just like and i don't think i have to end up with a greek person but i like someone who's got a little some immigrant shit to them because that's so like that's so sensual and how i grew up and like how i related to my

parents and i find that that translates it's, even if it's not the same exact culture, just the immigrant experience really does translate. And I think it's also cool to have a little something else to you than just, you know, if your family's, you know, been in America and just kind of homogenized American. So I don't think I would go and essentially soft traffic a woman back to New york but i but i would but hey if i meet someone from somewhere else and we hit it off i think i would really like to have a little a little extra culture a little and be able to relate to that kind of immigrant experience with them for sure but you know we'll see yeah i like that i'm a first generation am i yeah my okay my dad was born in barbados and i'm the first one on that

side born in america um which is very funny that i absolutely forgot about that but on my mom's side i'm not i got you i got on the boat a while ago and yeah yeah yeah what about you i would date a foreign person yeah i would do it i would import somebody yeah but you wouldn't go you wouldn't go 90 day fiance yeah no i'm not gonna go looking that feels very grimy right now watching the single life yeah and uh do you watch the single life do you watch the show i haven't watched single life no sorry oh okay well chantelle is she got divorced from pedro so now she's on the single life and she's like in greece and she's like i'm looking for my greek god and that's what i want i want to bring home a greek god and i'm like that is so weird it is so weird to go on vacation with

the sole purpose of finding someone to bring home with you yeah yeah people aren't toys that's weird it could be a catch-or-release situation one of my cousins literally because of the greek financial crisis and he was like he couldn't get a real job so he just would bartend at a tourist island and just like he was open for business for any woman that wanted to try out a greek guy for the summer and he was he would just he would just like fuck these like he didn't even have a room he lived in a tent and he would just like he for like years he like who fucked he fucked like australian women who were looking for looking for their greek uh summer vacation he would just in his tent yeah yeah it's that's a fun story though, you know? You know? Smart. Use,

use your surroundings to your advantage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, think about it. If you're just,

if you want to tell a good story and it's like, oh, it was so passionate, we got caught up, we started making, you know, we started fucking on the beach.

And it's like, that's a good story versus when you see the, like, when you think you caught him, like, that's a, that wasn't his, his normal move. Like, when you think you caught him like that's a that that wasn't his his normal move like when you think it was just like a night of passion meanwhile no you're fucking on them you're getting fingered on the beach because he does not have his home

that's so fucking funny yeah it's like it's a night of passion he's like i just went home yeah i brought her to my house yeah yeah yeah yeah it could be a fun story but yeah sorry you had a question funny i'm obsessed with your cousin he's the man he rules real quick we have to take a Take a break. What's like one of the worst dates you've been on? Worst dates? Hmm. I don't know. That's a good question. I mean, there's been times where because like it just started happening recently.

There's been times where, because like, it just started happening recently, the last few years, where like, I realized I could not fuck somebody who wanted to fuck me. You know what I mean? Like, when you grow up, when you grow up as a chubby gentleman without, you know, in my youth, didn't believe in myself, you know, high school wasn't too good, low self-esteem. high school wasn't too good low self-esteem and so i wouldn't even call this a date but i just had a really just a brutal hook i had just broken up with somebody and somebody that i had no chemistry with wasn't particularly attracted to them they were just like hey um i know it was after an open mic actually it was like i'm doing some show in dc and she's like hey it sounded like you're pretty sad about your breakup and you did some jokes about having sex with people do you want to have sex with me and i said i didn't but i was like um i okay and then i just like and then i just like walk to this woman's apartment with like the enthusiasm of like oh i got a free sandwich

at wendy's and i guess i better use this coupon before it expires and i don't really like wendy's that much and i just you know and i i just i stay i don't know why i stayed the night i felt like paralyzed and it was like horrible horrible stuff listen i don't want to i don't want to shame anyone Some kind of foot odor issue was happening. You know? Oh, no. There was some kind of tough stuff going on. And I'm just like.

And you stayed? I just didn't believe in myself. I just didn't believe in myself. I was just like. Oh, no. I was like, oh, I already said yes. I guess I have to fuck this lady. And so I. Oh, no. I don't want to be rude.

And so I wouldn't exactly. I simply can't be rude. I can't tell her that her feet are fucking funky. I better just put my dick in a hole and hope that it comes out smelling all right. Yeah, it was. Yeah, I think my dick probably smelled better than her feet even after we fucked for sure oh my god the apartment was not great the apartment was not great it was a step up from my cousin's tent

but it was like a weird it was like a weird basement in dc everything i was like i'm going to i was like oh i was like this sucks and i was just not and i was like why am i doing the whole time i was like why am i walking here we're making out i'm like why am i making out with this woman like why am i doing every part of this and then it was just like and then i had no money and i think i i think i almost had to crash there because they got like i came from baltimore and i had no ride so i had to like i had to crash until i could catch the like train there's like a you know commuter train in the morning and so i was like all right i'm gonna get up early and i'm gonna just get the fuck out of here like whatever and then i ended up fucking again in the morning

again out of route not feeling rude because she caught me sneaking out she's like you leaving i was like no i'm leaving i'm coming back for more baby airing out the apartment opening the door uh letting the the warm morning air in of course what not going i didn't get eggs that's so funny you getting out of here no no No. I can't wait to fuck again. Yeah. No self-esteem. That's so funny. I had very little self-esteem. Not believing in yourself will have you be doing the wildest shit.

I have fucked so many people that I'm like, why am I here? Why is this happening? Or this isn't good. I'd love to go home. Let's power through. I simply, yeah, let me be like, oh, oh, yeah, you got it. Are you going to come? Yeah.

No, really some tough stuff. I mean, it's tough to have to fake an orgasm as a man. You know what I mean? You just really hope, you hope you're convincing and you hope, you know, you can discard the condom quick enough that no one knows what's going on there. yeah tough days tough days with me what do you think any candidates i don't know i don't think i would know i feel like it's like and you like feel it sure sure sure yeah but maybe maybe people have faked it with me be on the lookout if you're someone who's fucked me and you listen to this podcast and you you faked it let me know let me

hit us in the comments have you ever faked a bust with nicole let us know oh my god i'm so horny i i'm like horned up but i don't want to do the work if that makes sense like i don't want to go out to a bar i don't want to talk to nobody i fully get it i don't want to do it but i'm like yeah how else will i get the how else will i get it yeah it's tough because people that are unsolicited in your dms i would assume are just lunatics right like like yeah i mean and some of them don't live anywhere near me like i have that's the lady in my dms she's like i want you to get with my brother he lives in montana and i'm like what i don't live in montana yeah. Tell him to go on vacation. Hit me up.

Also, does your brother know that you're DMing me about him? Yeah. Does he have a say in this? I know. I thought you were going to fuck the lady. No. That's kind of crazy to be trying to get being a fan of someone and being like, I'd really love my brother to fuck you.

That's very interesting. Me? I couldn't. love my brother to fuck you. Like, that's very interesting. Me? I couldn't. But my brother, he can. That's very interesting. Yet, it does unfortunately take a little bit of work, huh, to get started. Yeah, and it fucking sucks. And I don't like it.

Do you think dating, you said that you didn't really have, like, self-confidence and stuff growing up. Now, do you think that your confidence said that you didn't really have like self-confidence and stuff growing up. Uh, now do you think that your confidence is boosted? Yeah. Yeah. Probably too much to be honest with you. I probably believe in myself too much.

I gotta be knocked down a couple of pegs. Um, but yeah, no, I think most of my life was trying, not most of my life, but I think like in my early twenties, it was kind of just trying to get over all that stuff. And I do think there's a little, there's an aspect of the like comp almost like compulsively like fuck like when i was trying when i'm on when i'm on the road it's like i'm either going to get really fucked up i'm gonna eat like shit or i'm gonna try and fuck somebody you know and it's like those are my compulsive behaviors and and so i think the reason that like sex gets mixed into those other compulsions is because I'm on some level, I'm like, dude, if I get enough pussy in my 30s, I actually wasn't

a loser in high school. Like there's that. There's like that thought process. It's like in the back. It's like I can fuck myself. I've never heard a man say that so succinct in a way that's like yeah yeah i think that's what a lot of dudes are doing that's and i'm trying to like i know i can't like fuck my way into a wormhole and go back and give my 17 year old

self a pep talk i know that's not gonna happen so it's like i think i do part of it is like i should maybe chill out a little bit and just kind of like, because I'm trying to, I'm in Baltimore just chilling out for like a month. I might spend another month here just to kind of like, I'm trying to not drink. I'm trying to not smoke weed. I'm trying to get my diet together. And I'm trying to just kind of chill out and all the things I kind of let myself, I don't know. I gave myself permission to just act a fool, be a little slutty boy because I was like, well, I'm so busy. I can't possibly. I gave myself permission to just act a fool, be a little slutty boy, because I was like, well, I'm so busy. I can't possibly eat the right amount of... I can't possibly eat less than 8,000 calories and smoke until I pass out and take any pills that anybody

gives me. I have to do that for my career. And so I'm trying like chill out on that. And I think if I'm being honest with myself, like I should, I should kind of do the same thing when it comes to sex and dating and like, don't just fuck a hot person. Cause they'll let you like go out on a couple of dates. You know what I mean? Like, do you like this person? Like you're, it's, you're never going to go back in time and get pussy sophomore year. So just make the best of your life right now. And I do think there is, I think I'm trying to get that through my thick skull where I'm

like, I think that's just a part of overall wellness. I'm trying to kind of, for years I've been talking about trying to get just healthier mentally, physically, everything and kick couple couple addictions i got here and so i think unfortunately as cool as it is to just see lots of different titties i think i kind of have to chill a little bit and just kind of like if i'm if i'm watching what i'm eating i should be watching what i'm fucking as well i guess you know what i mean it's like i mean it's kind of similar it's like whatever you you put in your body and whatever you're putting your body into is all right important i guess right uh i kind of like that i like that a lot i think taking care of yourself is like it's easy

to be like haha whatever that's corny but it's like no no you'll fucking feel better if you eat just a little bit better yeah drink some water go to sleep at night not a big deal just a couple veggies couple little walk just a little carrot here and there you know yeah a little happy walk around a little hike a little hike because yeah i was like i did a lot of drugs i drank a lot i was eating like shit and then i like stopped drinking as much and i was like wait so i can like wake up in the morning and not be hungover i feel good not have to drink a fucking vodka soda in the morning on the plane that's right right because that's how i was rolling i would be so hungover on flights respect that i'd be like all right i need three vodka

sodas just to be straight yeah i was like oh just to even it out this is bad yeah you're doing don draper math to just to just be able to just take a flight you're not even doing anything you're sitting in a chair i'm just sitting and i need vodka i need a couple vodka sodas no i'm with you i'm i was much more of a weed guy so it was more of like i am gonna be in a stupor until 1 p.m and then it's like i have a three hour window when my coffee hits and i the weed is worn off before i get high again uh i have to do everything i need to do and then well if it doesn't get done looks like i'm fucked you know it's like i would just take an edible and like race it hitting me to do all my chores and emails and shit like that that's really fucking funny yeah and i'll tell you something nicole i didn't win that race too many times

no i could imagine that race i could truly imagine how how often you failed being like well guess i gotta go sit down oh Oh, I'm already sitting? Well, I got to close this computer and watch the TV. Let's see what Jean-Claude Van Damme is up to. Let's see if he's going to end up getting the bad guys who killed his family at the beginning of the movie. I got a hunch he might. He might. And I'm excited to find out.

Stavros, what is your ideal partner what does that look like oh ideal partner um i think i mean it's interesting because like you know we talk about all these stuff abstractly like yeah i would like in theory somebody who has some kind of like similar background to mine right that has shared you know kind of you're on the same page values wise somebody who likes big cities i'm not a i'm not a country i'm not a country boy you know i like i like new york i you know to me coming back to baltimore feels like going to my cottage you know what i mean Like this feels like being outdoors. Yeah. But I don't know. I think like, I think just somebody who's really nice to me and,

you know, is cool, is a good hang, can chill with the, with I, I, you know, all my friends,

like that's my best friend got married. His wife's awesome. Somebody who's like, cause there's nothing worse than like, that's kind of a straight stereotype when it's like, no one likes the other person's, your best friend's wife. That's always weird to me. It's like, this is your best friend and the person they're going to spend their whole life with. And you can't, you can't hang out with, you're not happy to see them.

You're like, like oh that fucking bitch is gonna be here but i thought it was gonna be just the boys you know i'd like somebody who can and so yeah and not to say sometimes wives need to be spared of how stupid me and my friends get sometimes like there's definitely afternoons where we are gonna you know get fucked up eat korean barbecue and watch action movies but like somebody who's just a good hang and um i don't know uh gives good top you know like let's also that's in there too we got i mean that's important to you there's a couple non-negotiables here you know you must have a good one you know that's important i would like to bust a lot of the cliches of mayor of like no no you know i want i don't want i want somebody who gets along with my

mom right i don't want any of that in-law shit you know i want somebody who's a cool family that i can chill with somebody who can chill with my friends there's no disappearing in the man cave and we're gonna also bust the cliche of 90s stand-up comics about married couples that don't give each other head. We're going to get that going, too. Okay? We're breaking the glass ceiling of everybody's act and every sitcom from the 90s. I love that. Thank you.

I love that. That's what I'm looking for. When you get a partner, you're going to walk on stage and be like, I love my wife. She sucks my dick so good. Exactly right. Who, who, who, who, who. Yeah, exactly. my dick so good yeah exactly that's kind of what i'm going for and for the record i'm eating pussy too okay let's let's put that out there there we go i don't want to be there we go i was this is a partnership you want good head no come on of course it's about reciprocation i'm in there see that's nice i think you'll find that thank you that's i mean honestly the ladies who listen to this podcast a lot of them are very nice

they're gonna slide into your dms you're gonna have so many ladies in your dms i'm a gals i'm open for business he's open for business let's have a nice seafood dinner and then see where the night takes us. For whatever reason, that sounds so fucked up. A nice seafood dinner sounds nice, but the way you said it, I was like, I don't know. Come on. I don't know if I'm doing that. A scallop, a crab cake? You're saying no to that?

Yeah, all right. When you're faced with the actual reality of it i think you're gonna change your tune thank you very much get some nice potatoes au gratin i do love potatoes au gratin see do you like uh red lobster i we were not a red lobster family we were more of a uh our our our our chain restaurant was chili's. We were a Chili's family. And I don't know if it's just regional, but Bertucci's a brick oven pizza restaurant. Yeah.

We were a Chili's family. We had those in Jersey. And we popped into Red Lobster, but only on my insistence because I saw a commercial for Endless Shrimp that really spoke to me as a fat eighth grader and so we tried it out once of course the biscuits are incredible but we we really stayed more we were more of a chili's apple bees early on when it was still good before it fell

off a cliff you know uh we we went there but yeah that was our those were our main chain restaurant dinners every two or three weeks or whatever we did that's nice i do love a chili's i do agree that applebee's fell off they used to have a thing called an apple chimichee's cake that was the most delicious dessert in all the land it was just a deep fried cheesecake and i really think they could turn around their whole business plan if they just bring that the fuck back. Let's get it back. I agree with you. We can get it back. Thank you. All right.

Stavros, we've come to the end. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Just, you know, watch Fat Rascal on Netflix. If you don't have Netflix somehow, I have a free special on YouTube called Live at the Lodge Room. I actually will be in dallas for the end of my tour i had to make up tour at tour because i actually got covid in the beginning of the tour so i'll be in dallas i think tomorrow when this airs um and then i'll be in detroit and grand rapids those are the final tour dates for this year and

i'm taking a nice chunk of time off so that's it that's nice yeah yeah that's really nice i feel like we don't do that a lot we're not like let me take some fucking time for me or like let me take time to live so i can like write exactly oh my god i got nothing if i do new stuff now it would be absolutely there would be nothing to it but yeah that's pretty much it go watch the specials folks and uh you know slide into my dms slide right in there star rose i ask everybody this i've only missed it a couple times would you date me hell yeah i'm in we're going to red lobster we're getting we're getting we're getting the biscuits baby we're getting the biscuits and endless shrimp they have different shrimps now i'm at applebee's

corporate headquarters getting them to make that fucking deep fried cheesecake that's how i'm gonna propose honestly i'm gonna get you're gonna have the first and i would say yes i'm hiding the ring like in a heartbeat the ring and then in front of everybody i would fucking give you head i would be like a beautiful love story that's a beautiful love story. That's a beautiful love story right there. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, give me five stars on iTunes. If you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywontyoudatemepodcast

at gmail.com, I will read it. This person said, I'll meet you at a honky-tonk bar and lay you back on the bar while I'll take pickle back shots from your belly button. Ew. I'll eat you out till my briny tongue sours your clit.

Jesus Christ. You like that sour patch kid. I'll make you scream till you squirt and bottle up the fluid so we can pick vegetables from your garden and pickle them in the squirt jar. And the next time we do body shots, I'll be sure to throw that pussy juice like it's no tomorrow. Ew! Wow. That one was tough.

Yeah, I wouldn't even say that's mean. That's disturbing. Those are my listeners. I love them so much. Okay. Bye-bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer. This show is produced by me, Mars, with guest research by Lindsay Kempf.

It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywon'tyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.