Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Featuring the Man Who's Floor I Peed On (w/ EJ Wolborsky)

Episode Date: February 9, 2018

EJ isn't a comedian, but just a nice guy who's floor Nicole peed on after a drunken party at an Apple store. Hear them reconcile on what happened that fateful night, and for some wholesome dating advice.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at:https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyAnd finally, check out Loosely Exactly Nicole on Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/looselyexactlynicole/

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! I'm Nicole Byer and this is my podcast. It's called Why Won't You Date Me? And today's guest, he's not a comedian. He's not an actor.

He's just a nice man that I know. His name is EJ Waborski. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, EJ. We were just catching up. EJ, here's a question that I don't know. What does EJ stand for?

It stands for Elias Justin. Elias Justed? Yeah, Elias was my great-grandfather, and Justin was just a name that my mom liked. Oh. My parents put their Jewish and generic white person naming conventions together to come up with Elias Justin. I like that. I like it a lot. That's a fun name. But EJ is also just as fun.

I don't know. I like names. I like fun names. I feel like my name is very, very boring. Nicole. You know, all the Nicoles that I know in my personal life are delightful. All the Nicoles I've ever worked with have been kind of less delightful. Well, good thing we never work together. So when I met you, let's see, I met you in 2017. No, this is 2017. 2007. Yes? Yes. And where were you working then were you working at limewire do i remember this correctly yeah yeah great memory i was working at limewire the now defunct limewire

but isn't limewire like illegal streaming and stuff wasn't illegal until the court said so oh streaming makes no sense what do you actually do Like you have a real adult job and most of my friends do not have real adult jobs. I do. I have a semi-real, semi-adult job that I go to almost every day of the week where I make websites and mobile applications and large-scale digital installations for brands. and large-scale digital installations for brands. So like retail brands, lifestyle brands, do some marketing and advertising work. So you could make me a website? Like manage a team of people who could make you a website

or I could coach you through the website making process if you happen to like be on Squarespace or something like that. I need someone to just do it for me. I don't understand computers do you find that people uh in your in your business does having a website really help or does just you know do you rely on like YouTube and and podcasts and things like that really to get your workout I would say like YouTube podcasts uh making content is helpful but for like live shows people will be like it is impossible to find your live shows, people will be like,

it is impossible to find your live shows because you just tweet about them. So if I don't catch a tweet, I don't know when you're performing. So if I had a website, it would be very easy for people to go to it. But I mean, I've come this far without a website. Maybe I'll never get one.

Hey, you know, you could just be that gal who's out there living at the 1970s way. Jerry Seinfeld never had. Hey, you know, you could just be that gal who's like out there living at the 1970s way. You know, Seinfeld never had a website, you know? Yeah. And I mean, Seinfeld's doing okay. I know. I haven't heard anything from him. Yeah.

I mean, he's just doing, he's barely floating it. He's barely, you know, trucking along. Here's a question. EJ, are you single right now? No. I have a girlfriend, actually my, my first ever live in girlfriend. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. When did you guys move in together? Uh, we moved in together last month. Actually. It's, it's, it's been a new, a new experience.

This is very new. Where did you meet her? I met her on Tinder. You met her on Tinder? Yeah. You know, I can't meet anybody on Tinder. Everyone has literally been a dumpster. So, okay, you met this woman on Tinder. Did you message her first? I did. I actually, I messaged her first and she was not impressed with my opener in the slightest. What was your opener? I had something in her profile about being a music snob and something about how she likes cute boys who read books on the subway. So I said something to the effect of, you know, I'm a cute boy who reads books on the subway and then like, you know, occasionally works of music snobbery, books about music. So that was my opener and I got nothing. So I went a lot

harder the second time around with my, with my reopener. Uh, and that was even less successful than the first one. So wait, how many times did you message this woman before she was like, fine, definitely like stalker levels of persistence for sure. Yeah. I think I probably sent, I I've, you know, I think I probably sent, I've, you know, I've since deleted Tinder so that she didn't get suspicious when my phone was blowing up with like old whatever,

you know, alerts and shit. But I think she went back and screenshotted our whole initial conversations so that she could tell all of her friends where I was. But yeah, I would say

probably like six or seven times. Wow! Six or seven times wow six or seven times yeah she would give like one word responses she would you okay and then how long did you talk on tinder before actually going out yeah god this is like shameful uh probably a month I would say I messaged her if I remember correctly like a day or two after my birthday, which is in early February. My birthday was on the Super Bowl. So probably the day after that, after I cleaned up my house after my party, I messaged her. And then I think our first date was March 12th.

So over a month of persistent going on a date with me before I finally broke her will. Wow. And then what was your first date? She invited me to a dive bar that was literally across the street from her apartment. So as to put in a minimal amount of effort on her part to either get ready for the date or transport herself to the date and back. I like her. I should probably learn from her. Just like, don't answer anybody.

Finally go, fine, I'll go out with you. Make them come to me and then move in with them. Yeah, yeah. It was actually just, that was pretty much the step one, two, and three of our entire relationship history. So how long did you date before moving in together? Well, let's see. So that was March until September. So that's like five and a half months, something like that.

That's a good chunk of time. Is this your first long-term girlfriend or have you had many long-term girlfriends? I've had other long-term girlfriends in the past. This is the first one, as I said, this is the first one I've lived with. This is the first one where I didn't need to be or feel the need to be just like totally selfish in the relationship and you know very graciously she was like totally willing to just kind of like adapt to my my life and lifestyle so there wasn't a lot of like something, you know. When you say your life and lifestyle, what are you doing that's so wild that she had to adapt to it? Oh, very much the opposite.

She just turned 25 in June. So, you know, we met. I had just turned 31 and she was 24. And I've been in New York for 10 years and she's been here for three years. So, like, I'm very settled. I've got two dogs. I have, you know, my own apartment. Whereas she was like living with two rando 30 something.

She met on Craigslist in like a sublet with, you know, working at her own startup and kind of making her own hours. And she has a much, much more, I think, freewheeling socially active life than I have at this point. You just stay at home. You go to work. You got your dogs. Yeah.

I'm living that dad life. What kind of dogs do you have? Two rescue dogs. One's five years old, and the other is just about a year old. And they're both, you know, mutt-ish. I think one's probably part shepherd, maybe part German shepherd, part chihuahua

definitely definitely that's a wild combination a german shepherd and a chihuahua like who fucked who great question i don't think that this dog could have possibly come out of a chihuahua's tummy so definitely the german shepherd was the mom but that makes you wonder. Well, yeah, that's like a real baller, like, man Chihuahua being like, I'm going to fuck you! That Chihuahua definitely also exhibited persistence to not touch the German Shepherd, that's for sure. It's a good lesson. Never give up.

I have two dogs. I rescued one from, like, a foster home. It was so weird. They were like, he was in this home. They didn't like him, so we took him away. And then they kept was so weird. They were like, he was in this home. They didn't like him. So we took him away. And then they kept saying rescue. And I was like,

but I'm literally picking him up from somebody's house. So how was he rescued? Rescue to me is like, I'm going to this like sad place where there's like dogs in cages. You like literally pick a puppy off of like an, like an assembly line with like a guillotine at the end of it. That's rescuing. This was just like,

he was in a home and they were like, uh,'t want him anymore yeah i have mine are like that too they're both from uh like an organization you know that sponsors trips to like get these dogs out of places and then puts them up on like the internet or you've a nice apartment okay people listening we're on a video chat and ej lives in new york in an apartment with two levels yeah staircase there's a fucking upstairs in your apartment good lord you've made it i have i have two balconies can you believe that balconies that's why i don't even use one. One of them might as well be a dumpster. I never go out there.

So I guess you're doing well managing people making websites. We don't have to talk about your finances. So I sent you my Tinder profile. So let's look at it because I want you to tell me what you think I could improve upon. Okay. So the first picture is me holding a big old dildo. Do you think that's like too forward? Do you think that's good? Cause everyone I've asked has been a comedian and they've been like, that's great. It shows like a, you know, a silly side of you. You love dicks, but you're like a normal person, which is what I'm trying to.

I want a normal person. I don't want a comedian. So what say you? Well, I think that, you know, when you put yourself out there with a large comical prop and or, you know, a personal pleasure device, I think that you're inviting people to make jokes. I think that you're inviting people to make jokes. And I think with you being a professional comedian, you're really inviting kind of like open mic night on your DMs there with people making dick references. So unless you're looking for someone who's exceptionally funny

and that's going to be your filter, make the best dick joke. Can you make the best huge dildo joke to me? You're probably just going to get a lot of lames. That's very, that's a very good assessment because it is kind of how I weed people out. I'm like, okay, if you either say nothing about it or you have like a real banger of a joke

about it, I'll talk to you. But for the most part, it's a lot of dudes being like, that's a huge dildo. And I always go, what? And they're like, the dildo. What are you of dudes being like that's a huge dildo and i always go what and they're like the dildo what are you talking about they're like the dildo you gotta be like you gotta be like yo that's that's my uncle fred don't talk about fred that way yeah nobody

knows how to like make a good joke about it okay and then the next picture is me i i'm humping a christmas tree but i don't think it conveys that I'm humping it it just looks like I'm posing next to it good picture bad picture uh you know again I feel like you're opening yourself up to like some big wood jokes um although I can say you know it is after uh October 1st now so it is technically Christmas season as far as I can tell it is Christmas season so I guess it's good I'll leave it up the next one is me in if you're in the business you'll know I'm in a trailer if you're not in the business you'll be like oh what a nice little house she's in but it's like a cute little selfie I got a cute little dress on I think my makeup looks good good picture bad picture that sounds like a great picture. Are you looking at the pictures?

No, how am I? You sent me convo. I sent you the pictures. Are they like attached? I see a bunch of screenshots of conversations. I don't see the actual photos. Then maybe I didn't do that. Here's the thing. I have ADD and I think I do things and I don't.

All right. Well, I'll keep just describing pictures to you. I think that picture sounds wonderful. I think that like letting people know that you're professional, you're a grown ass professional woman. Yeah. Okay. The next one is a picture of my butt. It's like the back of me and I'm like climbing a bookcase and I'm wearing a black onesie. Lucky bookcase. bookcase and I'm wearing a black onesie lucky bookcase okay so you think that's a good picture yeah I'd say so is it a cat was like a cat woman black onesie what kind of black one is it like pajamas no it's not pajamas it's like a it's a very tight onesie I guess like it's like a cat

suit yeah cat suit sounds great I figure it's like, I'm a big lady. I should show my body so people know exactly what they're getting. I feel like a lot of fat women will take selfies that are at a very high angle, and it's like, bitch, that's not who you are. Yeah, I can tell you from the male perspective, I have, I would say, an eclectic palate for ladies, and I think that I just want to know what I'm getting into. I need to know what kind of prep to do.

You know, I want to be mentally prepared. What kind of prep do you do for fat women? Do you like put Crisco on your fingers in case they want a snack? All of my Southern boy talking points, you know, I talk about how I'm like, you know, I got the best mac and cheese recipe. Like, I was just like, sorry, I got the best mac and cheese recipe. Like, I was just like, sorry, I got to go home now. I got a pot of collards on the stove.

I would honestly love to go out with a man that was like, I got so much food at home. It's like, is he trying to lure me to his house to eat? I would be very down for that. I know we're thousands of miles away, but I have about six quarts of bolognese in the freezer that I made. Do you? Is that real? Do you really? Yeah, one hundo. Oh, my God. I fucking love Bolognese.

Send me some Bolognese. Send it through the mail. Is that legal? I'll give it a shot. You can do it, but it might not get to me good. My aunt sent me an Easter dinner through the mail, and she did not put it in any sort of ice like no dry ice nothing she just put a bunch of food in a box and sent it to me and then the post office was closed for the holiday so it just sat and like baked and like got gross and then when i

went to go pick it up i like go to the post office give them that little pink slip and then one of the ladies behind the counter was just like, Ooh, Oh, it's you. Oh, I can't wait till you open this box. And then I,

she hands me this box and I open it and it stinks and it's dripping. And I was like, Oh my God, is this like the end of seven? Is there like a head in this box? And then I open it and it's just a box of rotten food. And then my aunt called me and she's like, did you get your Easter dinner?

I was like, I did. It was delicious. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she sent me trash. Yeah, like actual biological waste. Yeah, it was bad. And those ladies laughed at me for a long time. It was very embarrassing. Yikes. Well, the alternative is that they send it to you as if it were an actual head or organ,

like in double styrofoam with layers of dry ice in between i've i've gotten the mail order barbecue from texas before and that's that yeah that's how it comes that would have been so much better it would have kept and i would have like maybe eaten it but she also put raw bacon in there i was like why would i eat bacon for dinner one two why is it raw when other things are cooked? She like cooked mac and cheese. It was nuts. It didn't make any sense. It's not hard to cook bacon.

No, it's not hard to cook bacon at all. Here's another question. So did you online date for a long time or no before getting this current girlfriend? Yeah, off and on, for sure. I usedinder and another app called happen those are the only two that i've been on yeah what's happened i don't know happen happen i feel like is much more relevant for the new york audience and the la audience because it's based on who you cross paths with like uh you just enable location services and it kind of

just tracks your location in the background and tells you it sends you a list of of people that you've that you've crossed paths with who also have the app and then you get to like see how many you see how many times you've crossed paths with them and then like how far away they are now so it's it's very like location based but it's the same as tinder you have like a profile with a bunch of images and some and it's called happen yeah with like with no e h-a-p-p-n i'm gonna download it right now yeah it would be real weird in la because it's like you know oh we sat in traffic next to each other on the 101 i mean that's fine i'm just i'm on hinge right now and hinge takes like people that you know from facebook and then other, I don't know. It was explained to me, but it's shitty.

Hinge is shitty. Tinder is shitty. Bumble's the worst. I've only gotten one response on Bumble. This man had a picture of him and a black kid, and I said, did you borrow that kid, or is it yours? And then he was like, wow, he's brown, and he's my son. And I was like, hey, man, I'm just making a joke.

Truly, I don't know how to get better at online dating. So if a girl were to, like, send you a message first, what would you want to see? What would you want to read? I love when the ladies message first, actually. You do? Yeah, definitely. And a lot of times I just appreciate when they like make a reference to something in my in my profile um you know I had like I wouldn't say I

had like a long bio but I listed basically like I had little icons for like books uh like movies music and uh and would just list like three things in each category that I liked and that was basically that was the bulk of my profile so like if someone messaged me and said like oh I love Richard Linklater I that gives us something to talk about so just anything that opens the door to a conversation is a lot better than just like hey or hi how are you or is that your dog like same like the the black kid you know like no I didn't borrow this fucking dog and put it on my bed. Like sit next to it. But you may have.

I don't know. I guess, yeah, one can't rule it out. People do a lot of fishy things on the Internet. So I guess that's possible. All right, EJ, let's talk about how we know each other so we met in 2007 at the Apple store and how I ended up at the Apple store at like 1 a.m. is because my iPod was broken and I needed to get it fixed and I went to the Apple store and they were like, you have to make an appointment at the genius bar. And I said, okay, they're like, you could come back in like two hours. We're also having a dance party and you can come in and you don't

have to wait online. And I was like, this is nuts. What do you mean you're having a dance party? And my friend was with me, Amanda. And she was like, we should, yeah, we should go to this dance party. And I was like, okay okay and I believe Diplo was DJing if I am not mistaken which is nuts that is correct it was great it was wonderful how did you end up at the Apple Store dance party uh so as mentioned earlier I worked at LimeWire at the time and I was on like the you know the PR list for every bands and labels like publicist whenever a new song was out or a new album was dropping or there was some sort of performance and so I had the opportunity to like email publicists be like hey can I get on the list with a friend or not with a friend as the case may be uh I couldn't

convince anybody to come with me they were like what are you talking about and so I just went by myself and uh it was wonderful it was, it was crazy town in there. It was great. It was nuts. It was like a wild party. And then the like lights came up, we had danced together. And then I think I was like, do you want to take my number? I think.

And then we both had Motorola razors. Oh yeah. Mine was pink. Yours was black. And then we exchanged numbers and then we were texting yeah well can i just pause and say how i i love how this story is like definitively 10 years old because you were getting your ipod fix and we both had motorola razor phones yep yep these are like relics of the past also so my it was a shuffle and it wasn't broken it was just on

pause so i was hitting play once and it was pausing it and all i had to do was hit it a second time i felt very dumb uh but i mean if i figured that out i wouldn't have met you so we're texting also i like found you on facebook but i was, I can't friend him because then he'll know I was looking for him. You had very little information on the internet about you. It was very frustrating because I was like, I want to know about this boy that I just met. It was so difficult to find information about you. Do you have more? Do you have a Facebook now? I do. Yeah, I have a Facebook. Um, I, I have my, my full government name on Facebook because I had, uh, at one point in time, I was getting a lot of like requests from, um, you know, from like randos from like kindergarten

and childhood that like, I'm, I'm a friendly guy, as you know, I mean, we were total strangers when we met and I was perfectly willing to engage, know engage in dancing and conversation with you a total stranger um but like I just don't want to deal with like people like oh you live in New York now well what's that like that's so cool you know having grown up in Arkansas it's just like of that conversation you just get tired of repeating the same rote bullshits you're like it's great it's fine I work I love it My stock response is actually, it depends on how you feel about paying $4 for a taco. That's very funny. That's your baseline. $4 for a taco. And everyone in Arkansas is like, hell no. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Do you have an Instagram? I do. I have an Instagram

and, uh, and that, that one is, one is, I would say, a slightly more popular feed because I get a lot of spam on that one. So that's nice. That makes me feel like someone out there is watching, even if it's like a Russian bot. So I guess I'm not good at looking at people on the internet because I truly couldn't find anything about you. This was in 2007. So there wasn't, you know, Instagram didn't exist, Twitter didn't exist yet. But Facebook, oh, maybe I couldn't see all your pictures because we weren't friends. Maybe that's what it was. Yeah, there could have been privacy settings or my, you know, very difficult to remember and spell name.

No, Woborski, it's pretty phonetic. I think so, too, but you would be amazed at how often people butcher it let's see w-o-l-b-o-r-s-k-y nailed it it's phonetic waborski yeah it's yeah i don't know i don't get it man people just see like anything that's not like Smith or Jones and just shut down. I don't know. It's too hard. So then you invite me to your housewarming party in Brooklyn. And I distinctly remember going, how do I get there? And you said, use HopStop. Yeah.

And I was like, he's already teaching me new things. Again, 2007, technology relics. Yep, nobody uses HopStop anymore. So then I used HopStop. It told me to get off you don't live there anymore, at Grand Army Plaza and I could walk. Am I right? Is that the stop? Yep. I have a great memory for

things that don't need to stay in my brain. So then I brought my roommate at the time, Shallon. We bought a bottle of like Nicola Vaca, which is disgusting and cheap. And then I walk into your house and the way you said my name, you went, hey, Nicole. And I was like, oh no, I think he's gay. I think we got along because he's gay. And then I, in my dumb little brain was like, I'm going to have the time of my life. I don't care that he's gay.

I figured out how to get to Brooklyn. I know what hop stop is. So then I drank that entire bottle of vodka. And then from my perspective, Shallon said that I almost rolled off your roof and I kept screaming at you that you were gay. Is that accurate? That's accurate.'s accurate yeah there was there were maybe one or two other things that happened in the meantime uh but yeah those were kind of the highlights i mean i mean i wish the part that i wished you that you remembered and could describe for the audience is the experience of getting up to the roof through the like death trap yes so you had a very thin ladder. It wasn't leaning on anything.

It was just a ladder from the ceiling to the floor, and it was straight up. It was not even steel pipe. It was just steel bars. It was very scary and rickety. Yeah, it was definitely, and the hatch at the top of it that led onto the roof wasn't like a door. It was a literal, like a top of a pot or a pan.

Uh-huh. You had to pick up and move to the side. It didn't open like an escape hatch. Yeah, I don't think we were supposed to be on your roof. I mean, I'm not going to say it was strictly legal, but like we never got a citation. So it wasn't strictly illegal either. Fair. Uh, and then it was a, it was a brownstone. So there was a lot of stairs, right? Yeah, exactly. So it was, it was up on the fifth floor of the brownstone and our roof was one story above all of our neighbor's roofs. Um, so there

was like, you know, you, you weren't really, you didn't feel like you were in a row of houses. You were like just enough above them that you, you felt like you were in like your own, you know, on your own level. And, uh, that made the views wonderful, but also made the perspective fall all that, all that much scarier. Um, and um and yeah at one point um as i remember at one point you um you very delicately um stuck your whole face in my face uh and just like planted one on me and i was like oh all right all right we're making out now cool um i didn't know i kissed you absolutely and all my friends all my friends were watching and like some of them were laughing because they weren't sure if that was like okay if that was okay yeah um and other and others were

just i think very shocked because i don't think anybody you know i don't think anybody saw that coming from my perspective nobody knew who i was i was a loud black woman who was very drunk. That's what I meant, but I didn't see it coming. I think, yeah, like, yeah, as you said, you did drink a whole bottle of vodka. That's not an exaggeration. I was impressed, honestly. Oh, it was so much.

Well, I'm really proud of myself that I kissed you. Yeah, oh, you were bold. You were very bold. I'm so sad that I don't remember that. And then the reason that you called me gay actually at that at that moment was that you said that I was a good kisser and that I must be gay oh which seemed like incongruous to me because like you would think that like a good kisser would be into what they're kissing if I were you know good at kissing you it would be because I was not gay but yeah I don't know I don't know what the what the logic was there but it definitely

struck me as being an opportunity to not get deep more deeply involved in in in that bit of romance out in public on my roof so I was like yeah you got me nailed it super gay oh no yeah, you got me. Nailed it. Super gay. Oh, no. And then you got very upset. Yeah, you were very upset with me. Yes. Yeah. As I remember, you were very frustrated and you sat down, leaned against like a chimney on the roof, like a smokestack. And after sitting down, Shallon, I think, came to check on you and you said you were

OK. You just like needed to sit for a minute. And she said, OK. And then like the next thing thing we knew I was, I was talking to my friend Ricky and we looked over and you were slumped over and just slowly tipping. He ran over as you had like tipped all the way over and began to kind of like not roll,

but just kind of like slide down the slope off the front of the house or like a four story drop off into our front yard. Oh, no. Rick, God bless him, ran over and grabbed you and then Mike, our other friend, and I kind of ran over and we got you to wake up and not fall off the roof. You know what? Thank you.

Which was great. I probably would have died if I had fallen off four stories of a roof. That's like, yeah yeah that's like how you die probably especially given that you were like unconscious at the time actually drunk people they die harder so maybe I would have stayed alive and just broken a bunch of bones yeah you know either way I think that what my roommates were primarily concerned with after the fact was the liability issue like more so than more so than like the mental or physical health of this complete stranger

in our house everybody like really got on my ass about like not having renter's insurance and like wait really we were serving alcohol to people and we'd like definitely weren't supposed to be up on the roof and wait that's so responsible of your friends yeah practical, practical motherfuckers, these guys. I couldn't believe it. My friends are all a piece of this shit. They would have been like, let her die. Yeah, it was like, people were like, first of all, who was that? And how do you know her?

And secondly, I can't believe you would let someone get that drunk and almost die at our house. Well, nobody let me do anything. I just drank that bottle. And I remember Shallon being like, don't do that. And then it was gone. So then after rolling off your roof, I think Shallon was like, okay, it's time to go. And I was

like, okay, whatever. So then I get down this awful little ladder. Yeah, coming back down the death ladder was extra fun. Yeah, I remember it being so hard and then i remember trying to go down your like actual stairs and i don't know if i passed out and fell or fell down your stairs and passed out but i know at the end of the staircase it was done there was no waking me up yeah. Yeah, we got you about half a flight down

before you just gave up and stopped using your legs. At which point, and again, this is an old brownstone. It's kind of like a narrow staircase, like a wooden banister. And so there wasn't like, you know, there wasn't like a good way to really like, like if you could have put your arms around two of us, we could have walked. But like there just wasn't room for three people to walk down a staircase like that.

So it was really just like trying to figure out like, can we get like a blanket up here and like slide her down or protocol. And yeah, so eventually my roommate, Marcel, who I mentioned earlier, being on his now second luxury apartment in New York, he was like, all right, here's what we're going to do. We're going to get a cup of water and a bunch of tortillas out of the fridge, and we're going to sober her ass up right here on the staircase. Drank, like, easily a half a gallon of vodka. I don't think these tortillas are going to cut it. Nope.

So, yeah, I think we just tried to, like, get you some food and water, and that didn't really help. So, eventually, we just kind of, like, all right, we got to get her down. Yeah. I don't remember. Honestly, I don't remember how we did that. I vaguely remember a rolly chair. Yeah, there was an office chair down there for sure.

Being put in a rolly chair and being wheeled into a room with lots of blankets yes yeah that is that was our living room and there was uh yeah there was there was like it was a big open living room with a closet like a coat closet there and then we also had a half bathroom but it was like the wrong half it wasn't the toilet half it was just a shower and a sink in like what used to be a closet. Yeah. So I remember we did, we wheeled you down there and we had some blankets and a cup of water. Do you want to tell the rest of the story?

Do you want to tell what happened? So then I was like, ooh, this bathroom is so close to where I am. And then I peed, but I'm pretty sure I peed just on your floor. Yeah. Well, I will say this. I can't verify what kind of liquids ended up on the floor. I just know. No, I definitely, like, peed on your floor.

Well, I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt with my roommates, at least, because, again, there were a whole lot of questions around, like, who were you? Where did she come from? How did this person get in our house i was like a little scraggly like troll who was like i'm very drunk and i'm gonna be destructive and then when i woke up one of my contacts had fallen out and at the time i don't know if you remember it i wore blue blue eyes that was very very gorgeous and arresting

blue eyes I might have oh thank you well one of those beautiful blue eyes had popped right out of my head so when I was brown when I was blue I had fake hair in my head that was like sliding out and I truly looked like a like a mess like I looked very scary um and then you were nowhere to be found in the morning uh I think Marcel maybe was just like uh the door is that way and I was like oh thank you and he was like get home safe and I was like I will and then no cab would stop for me because I think I just like looked insane so I just closed one eye and patted my hair down. I was like, please stop for me. And then my ankle was really swollen because I had fallen down your stairs.

So it took me an hour to get up my six flights of stairs. And then I stayed in my apartment for two weeks because I was like, I can't walk. This is not good. Then I had to go have x-rays. It was real wild. Damn. Yeah. I didn't, yeah. The extensive ankle damage, I can't walk. This is not good. Then I had to go have x-rays. It was real wild. Damn. Yeah.

I didn't, yeah. The extensive ankle damage, I didn't know about. I was more worried about a concussion after getting down the stairs. I honestly probably did have a concussion. I've had so many concussions that I've just never treated. Yeah, you're like an NFL player in that way. Oh, no.

I'm going to get CTE and start killing people. That would be terrible. Um, so yeah, I guess I remember a lot for being as drunk as I was. So what was the aftermath of this? Did like your friends were like, who was she? What happened? Uh, why did this happen? And what was your answer? Yeah, well, I told people the honest truth, which was I met you at a dance party at the Apple Store. You seemed like a lot of fun. I felt validated.

Honestly, I felt validated by how much fun you had at our party. Life of the party over here. The only story anyone remembers from that night is about you. And I still hear about it to this day. There are kids, I'm going to, I'm going to be honest with you. So one of my friends, um, found the YouTube video that you did where you, where you told this story, Jewish boy incident. Yes. And, uh, and they found it and they sent it to, uh, an email list of, um, a fraternity that my friends and I had started when we were in college. That is now, you know, I guess like 12 or 13 years old.

And it's co-ed, a very diverse group of kids, male, female, all, you know, all ethnicities, all, you know, grad students, freshmen, everybody. And they all know about it now. Most of whom I don't know and will never meet who know me by this, by you, by this story. So, you know, at this point, it's part of my personal legacy and personal brand, I guess. What a goddamn treat. Well, I'm so happy to have done that for you. Okay, so I always ask my podcast, why won't you date me?

So after that party, why wouldn't you date me? So after that party, why wouldn't you date me? Because then I saw you in Time Out New York and I was like, you know what? I'll give him a second chance because he didn't respond to my last text. So he's in the Time Out New York singles edition. God has just given me a real gift. So then I emailed you and I was like, hey, AJ, don't know if you remember me, but sorry about the party. and you went uh never forgot wait no long ago forgiven never forgotten be well and I was like oh that was really you shut me down so why wouldn't you date me well I I think that at a certain point um my roommate spooked me with the liability concerns you know I was just like a little bit worried. I was a little bit worried that like you might be

one of these comedians with a death wish. That is, that profound sadness is a thread that runs through all great genius comics. Well, you didn't know I was a comedian then because I wasn't. I did know that you were hilarious and that you like lived very large and out loud with your personality.

Absolutely no shits about anything ever. And I felt like, you know, at the time the 21 year old me was, was scared, you know, I was new to New York. I was new in my job. I didn't think that I could handle, um, handle like a real relationship. You know, the, the, the women that I dated in those early years in New York were like mostly people who were either friends of friends, who were, like, very thoroughly vetted, and or were, like, people that I just felt very comfortable, like, hanging out with and didn't feel like, you know, I had to, like, perform for, like, be anything other than just, like, my lazy, selfish 21-year-old self. And we could just all, like, go get beers with our friends and do whatever. I felt like you, I was going to have to be on my game with you you were a fabulous dancer you were as I said you were hilarious you entertained everyone around you you were the center of of gravity of

that party um with with the conversation even up to and including the point where you've loudly accused me of being gay in front of all of my friends and loved ones. Sorry about that. It's cool. You're not the first or the last person to assume that I was gay, so it's okay. I'm used to it. Well, I don't know why I would kiss you and then be like, you're gay. That makes, well, I don't know. A lot of things I do truly don't make sense. Mechanism. If someone doesn't want to immediately insert themselves in you, you know, there's only one conclusion to draw from that, I think. If someone doesn't want to have sex with you in the middle of a party on a rooftop in front of all their friends.

Fair. Because I probably would have fucked you on that rooftop in front of all your friends. Just because I like being wild. That would have given a whole other dimension to that story. Oh, it would have been nuts. Oh, here's a, okay, so if we were in an alternate dimension and I acted like a normal person, do you think you would have gone out with me again? Hell yeah.

I would have taken you out for the best plate of fucking bolognese you've ever had in your life. So it's true. You're the Jew that got away. It wasn't meant to be. Well So it's true. You're the Jew that got away. It wasn't meant to be. Well, it's okay. This was fun, EJ. We have to wrap it up, but this was great. Thank you so much for doing this and talking about it. Thanks for having me. Let's see. You're not a comedian, so you don't have anything to plug. Nothing at all. Um, uh, is there something,

is there a, uh, is there a soda that you like? No, can I, can I, can I make it, can I make a quick plug for, um, for hurricane relief? Actually, I think it's, it's really important. Oh, that's great. South Texas still recovering. South Florida still recovering. Puerto Rico's in big trouble living in Brooklyn. Uh, here, you know, I see a lot of rallying, especially around the island, around Puerto Rico. In my part of Brooklyn, there's a lot of Puerto Ricans and there's still a lot of people really hurting. So if anybody out there is listening and has an extra dollar or five to give to Hurricane Relief, get out there and give it. That was so nice. All of my friends are pieces of shit and they're like, come see this show that I'm doing it's five dollars and maybe

I'll be funny but that's like helping a bunch of people and that's so nice I shouldn't have gotten so drunk you're a real catch also you're still just as attractive as I remember which is a goddamn dream your girlfriend's lucky and I hope she sucks your dick well

bye EJ! This has been a Team Coco production.