Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Feeling Safe in a Relationship (w/ Uzo Aduba)

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

The Emmy-winning Uzo Aduba (Orange Is The New Black) chats with Nicole about how her dating app DMs changed after booking Crazy Eyes, finding love at a mixer, the deep connection between her personal grief and art, and the importance of honesty in relationships. Plus, Nicole fails to hit on a cashier. Recorded July 13th 2023. For more information on the SAG-AFTRA strike, see sagaftrastrike.org. Consider donating to the Entertainment Community Fund to assist struck entertainment workers.  Follow Nicole Byer: See Nicole on tour! Get tickets at linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Hey, hi, hi, hi, hi, listeners. Okay, welcome back to another episode. Now, before we dive into today's juicy conversation, I got a little disclaimer for you. Okay, so we recorded this episode with Uzo the day before the SAG, after Screen Actors Guild Union went on strike. So if you're listening and being like,

Nicole's breaking the rules. Is she crossing the picket line? Is she a nasty little scab? Well, the answer is no. I love my union. I am also in the union. I have, you know, tried to abide by the rules and not talk about people's projects on the podcast.

So when you hear Uzo promoting her projects, I don't want you all commenting about her being a scab or me being a scab because she was still under a contract pre-strike to promote her work. And if you want to learn more about the SAG-AFTRA strike or support the cause, you can check out the links in the episode notes. Now, without further ado, let's hear that tasty little theme song. Why won't you date me?

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Why won't you date me? Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm single, but guess what? I've done it for almost six years, and there's been no answers. So I'm just exploring love and relationships and anything,

anything I actually really want. Okay, my guest today, I am so excited, is a multi-Amy award winning actress who you know from Orange is the New Black, Mrs. America, and you can see her in Painkiller, the tellings of the origin and aftermath of the opioid crisis in America, now streaming on Netflix. I am so fucking excited. It's Uzo Aduba. Uzo, thank you so much. Like, I'm a very big fan.

Oh, thank you. I love that rebel yell of yours just now. It, like, simultaneously was thrilling and sounded like a crowd of people. Like, I knew you were turned down. Well, thank you. I try to, I don't know, keep energy up I'm I'm a happy person uh and truly I'm so excited I think you're so funny and truthful in your acting and I don't know like you're just a joy to watch and you have so much charisma and it emulates through the screen honestly you should be so happy you're you.

That's comedy. Oh, my goodness. Okay. So you are currently married. How did you meet your partner? I met him at a young black professionals mixer in New York. Okay. Yes.

That we both went to, except not knowing each other, that one of my best friends, Lisa, Nicole, shout out Lisa. What up, Lisa? Encouraged me to go to. And she and I, with another best friend of ours my friend angela wild flower poke we went and yeah we just started talking and um it was amazing and i know this is like you know you're talking about your show talks about like the dating and the singleness of the world and you know like all of this world and life and I had certainly been in like that corner for

uh a good amount of time as well I'll say that you know what was different in that experience, from any experience I had ever had ever, is it was easy to top 10. Like I, for the first time, completely felt like I was being myself. I wasn't hiding any part of myself. I wasn't trying to be what I thought he was looking for. Like I wasn't more concerned about his thoughts than my own. Like I just, it was easy. And we just were, we were there talking for two hours and it was like late. It was like 1030 when we started talking. and what I thought was like 45 minutes was two hours. And another piece about it that was like so different. I had just been like praying right before that a few months before that because I was going into my hot girl summer. I remember I was like, I'm just living my life.

I'm a do me. Yeah, exactly. I was like, I don't care. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just going to like enjoy. And I'd never been in that place before. But I had said I was like, I want I want like what I want more than anything is like I wanted to feel clear.

Like, I don't want to guess because I feel like I was always in these like weird guessing games, you know, like and then like it was just like clear. His intention was clear. It was like, I want to see you again, period. Oh, I love that. I was just in Denver and I went to a sandwich place. It was very delicious. And the cashier was so hot and I thought we were flirting. So I invited him to my show.

And then he brought a woman and I was like, okay, I guess the intentions were not clear. I guess I read into a friendly face trying to take money for a sandwich and blew it up into something it was not. and blew it up into something it was not. I am yearning for that like easiness, that clearness, the point where you're like, oh, I absolutely know that this person likes me and wants to take me out again. Do you remember your first date?

Like where you went besides the mixer? Yeah, he took me to this Ethiopian restaurant in the West Village. It's not there anymore. I don't remember the name. I don't remember the name, but I remember it was in the West Village in New York City. And it was great. And I remember even though it was summer, It was warm. And I remember I was so late because I was so late because the guys want to hear the story. I was so late because it was the 3rd of July. And I had gone with my older sister and her kids, my niece and nephews, to the beach.

And I was like, okay, we have to get back because I have a date later. And I was like, I'm going to go, I'm going to go with you, but I'm not like swimming in the ocean. I'm just going to go up to my knees and I'm going to get my, I'm going to do my hair before I go and be ready. I had this weave in. I was like, I'm going to do my hair before I go get my hair done before I go. And then I I was like, I'm going to do my hair before I go, get my hair done before I go. And then I'll just like go up to my knees and like sit on the beach and be cool, whatever. And then the time came for me to go in the water

with my niece and nephews. We're like frolicking in the surf and like having a good time. And then one of them went under, got like taken by a wave. And so I had to like go and grab them. And the next came when it came. Oh, no.

And washed over me, totally assassinated my hair. And like I went home and now I had to like blow dry. And all this time that I did not a lot for like getting home and like going on the sea. And had to like blow dry my hair. And if you know anything about weaves, y'all, like you know that the wefts and the braids were not drying. They were not drying. Absolutely not drying for like three hours.

Yes. So every time I would straighten it, the cornrows would get it wet again and then it would like start puffing back up. It was a disaster. Thank you. All of it. All of it. And so I kept texting him and this was an attribute of his that I love. I kept texting. I was like, I'm so sorry. I told him in advance, I'm going to come to you late. He's like, okay, just get here safely. And he was just so patient. Mm hmm. He was like incredibly patient. I love that. I also really love that.

Like you saved a child. You're trying to dry your hair. You're trying to go on a date. You're like, I got to get all this done. I'm a superhero, but also looking for love. Oh, my goodness. It was a nightmare. That is a nightmare because it's like the tracks are wet and then if you're

trying to like flat iron it or whatever did you have a leave out or was it a front oh my god so then it's like the leave out touches the wet it puffs back up oh my god then it's like let me put it up but then it's like if you don't have leave out all the way around then that's not gonna work thank you oh lord and and we're trying we're talking like an hour that i have and it's like this is i have to take a shower i need to put my makeup on i need to get downtown and now i have to deal with this i was like this is a joke but i do love that he was patient um do you remember who said I love you first? I did. Oh, how did you know? When did you know? I just I knew.

So early. I mean, it's like almost I mean, now it doesn't matter because we're married, but like I was embarrassed. You're like, I already got him. I can't scare him away now. It's embarrassing at the time because I was like, I like, should I feel like this already? Like, should I feel this way right now? And we were definitely, I mean, maybe like a month, two months in when I felt it, but I didn't say it because I was like, you're going to be, that's a crazy person. Like you can't bring that to the

table just yet. But I did, I said it, it was like December. So what is that? July, August, September, October, November, December, six months we've been together and I just remember we had gone to see um that Aretha Franklin documentary like Amazing Grace I think it's called and um after it finished I just said it and like we had gone to see it I don't know where it was playing um we're like oh let's go see I never saw that let gone to see it. I don't know where it was playing. We're like, oh, let's go see. I never saw that. Let's go see it. And we were walking back and I just, and that morning I had been thinking about,

I had been playing this Lauren Hill song that just made me like, want to like say it so badly. Tell him, you know, that song. Tell him it'll be all right. Lauren's really like, just tell him it'll be all right. And you're like, okay, it'll be all right. Thank you, Lauren Hill. Yeah.

So that was the day. That was the day. And did he say it back or did he say thank you? Because that's a big fear of mine. Telling someone I love them and they're like, okay, thank you so much. Noted. telling someone I love them and they're like okay that thank you so much noted duly noted I'll write that one down you're like oh god yeah no he said it back he said it back we but I also had like you know he had already we know, I call them like big shares. We'd had like big shares before that, that like, I'm not going to get in, you know, like here, like we'd had, we'd had big

shares that like, he put himself in spaces of opening his heart and vulnerability. And like, I had, that made me feel safe enough to say it. You know what I mean? To him as well. So I think I yeah, that that was what gave me I don't think I would have said it if I didn't feel that like safety. That openness and like vulnerability. I like that. I feel like I feel like every relationship should be like that before you actually say I love you.

It's like, have we been vulnerable enough with each other? Are we do? Do I feel safe every relationship should be like that before you actually say, I love you. It's like, have we been vulnerable enough with each other? Are we do, do I feel safe with you? I think that's a huge thing that I never think about until later. Like in hindsight where I'm like, I didn't feel safe with that person. That person was wild. I thought I could conjure love through this, but like the intimacy wasn't actually there.

That's something I go through a lot. and this is what I've had. Maybe Mainly girlfriends have had a conversation similar to that, where we would talk about dating. Like when my husband and I were dating, like I said, you know, I made this like weird discovery for myself. I was like, there is something, I don't know why, whether it's like energy we can feel between each other when we're on dates. Like, I don't know, but it's like, there's something that clicks different when you feel safe that makes you speak and be your true, or at least that's how I felt, feel and be my true authentic self all the way.

Because I was like, I hadn't realized, I was like, every date I had ever been on before that had been, had started on a lie. Like, it's like, a guy would ask me, he'd be like, what are you looking for? And I'd be like, oh, you know, just like, nothing serious. Just want to like, hang out and like, have a good time. And like, you know, just like, me new people. Like, I don't want to do anything like, too intense. You know what I mean? Like, all a good time. And, like, you know, just, like, me new people. Like, I don't want to do anything, like, too intense. You know what I mean?

Like, all a lie. Like, it's, like, that was, like, totally not true at all. Like, when I was being honest with myself later, I was, like, that was not what I was looking for, like, at all. I was looking for love. And I was too afraid to say that because I didn't know what that how that would be received you know and it's like not to like let guys off the hook or let anyone off the hook but it like kind of just made it like I gave then I would be surprised later like I got exactly what I asked for yes exactly I I feel the same way I matched with this guy on an app and he seemed very sweet. I didn't read that he was polyamorous and no shade to anyone who's polyamorous. But like at this point in my life, I was like, I would like to be the singular favorite person of my person.

I'm not jealous or whatever. But I was like, right now, I just need to be someone's favorite person. And they have their life, their goals, their dreams. But I am their person and they're only concentrating on me. And I was going to go out with him. But then I was like, wait, what am I doing? That's not what I want. So then I just told him I was like, I would like to be someone's favorite person. And I'm not sure you'd be able to do that while dating other people. And he was like, thank you for that honesty. And I was like, was like oh oh that didn't hurt me that yeah well it makes me wonder yeah it does it doesn't like and when you when that happens like doesn't it make you wonder like or it made me wonder anyway I was like huh I wonder how much heartbreak I could have avoided in the past and be like if I had been honest with myself out loud about what I wanted like would that have freed him you know them up to be like oh that's what I'm looking for too but now

we're like all in this weird like game you know what I mean absolutely because I didn't know that man so I was like oh I just I avoided something that could have been bad just by being honest. By being honest. And I like I feel like I took some of my own power away in the past by not being honest, because then I would be forced to like confront my like a choice. Like it's like if I said, like, I'm looking for love and if he's like oh I'm not then I would have to like actually decide whether I wanted to continue going out with him or not and it was just different like when we went on that first date he did ask me what I was looking for and I answered honestly and it's like I don't know why I did I don't know what I did you know because I guess it was you felt comfortable and there was an ease and there was clarity I think that's why maybe

you felt like you could say that maybe I those are not wrong I think that's like you're on spot on with that like I just felt like I could and it's funny because with my career, I'm very honest. I'm like, this is what I want. This is what I don't want. And then I get like an offer or an audition for something that I'm like, ah, that doesn't really align with what I would like to do. And I'm very confident to say I don't want to do that. But with like, I feel like with relationships, I'm very much stuck in the beginning of my career where I was like, I'll take anything. Anything that will propel me forward and get me to what I need to do. I feel like I need to be more judicious.

Is that a word I can use? Look at me. SAT words. Just try to be more selective with people because I don't need to settle in a relationship. Oh, boy. Who's a girl? No, you're too cute and too funny and too smart. No, thank you. No. Who proposed to who? Did he propose to you or did you propose to him? He proposed to me. Where? How? Tell me. Well, ours was, oh gosh. It was at home because we were in pandemic.

Oh, okay. We were supposed to go to Tulum on a vacation the week the world shut down. Oh no. And I found out later that was when it was supposed to happen. Eddie was like, obviously, we could not go anywhere. So he was like, you know, like, so he's like, you know, I was thinking in my head. He's like, okay, this is me being him now, like talking.

He was like, so I'm going to pivot. You know, I was like, it's fine. No big deal. He's like, I'm going to have all of our friends and family come over to the house and i have a party and we're gonna go out like for lunch like a brunch and then come back and it's gonna be a surprise and then i'm gonna do it there and then like the state of new york put like they're like stay inside no brunches nothing no no gathering it's like no gathering so it was like no gathering of like more than 10 people or whatever it was and he was like okay that's out he's like okay no problem

he's like that we're gonna i'm gonna take her to her favorite restaurant it's gonna be i'm gonna do it there it's gonna be great and then like no rest like all restaurants are closed everything is closed it's like no you can't come here no can't come here and you're like oh fuck yeah so he's like forrest gump like nowhere to sit on the lot like just like so crazy And so like that, he just was like, okay. And I guess it's at home then in the house. And it was so sweet. He was just like, did a really beautiful job putting it together. And I was completely caught off guard um

even though he managed that we were just having a date night in the house you know cause everybody was cooped up or I thought it was a date night well I guess it was a date night but that just ended the engagement um you know and um he did a really really really beautiful job and

turned our hell house around and um it was special and wonderful and just um testament to the guy he is i like listening to you talk about him because you kind of light up in a way that makes me know that he's so special and important to you. And I love that so much. I love asking people about their partners. And when they just get this like smile on their face, it's so contagious. And it just makes me feel hopeful that somebody's out there for me.

They are. They are. They are. Thank you. Real quick, we have to take a break. Real quick, we have to take a break. How did you arrive at acting? In school, you know, like I was studying classical voice opera.

And because I was doing voice performance, we had to take acting and movement and, you know, classes like this. And I had been taking a Shakespeare class and, you know, in the morning I'd be rolling around on the floor and doing all these, you know, weird, wacky exercises.

And then in the afternoon I would be for my, you know weird wacky exercises and then in the afternoon i would be for my you know voice performance degree i'd be doing you know like musical theater and actually not musical theater be doing like musical history with like you know like mozart and like beethoven and all this other stuff and i was like i think i like the rolling around on the floor. I was more into that part, you know, like the more of the to be or not to be in less of the like magic flute of it all. And I just was like, I think when I get out of here, I think I'm going to be an actor. And that was exactly right. Like snap forward four years later. And that is exactly what I went on to pursue when I moved to New York after college. It was just like, it felt like the right fit. It felt like my people. It felt energy wise what I was just into.

And yeah. I love that. I love that it only took you like four years to like, you know, start a career. Sometimes it takes people so much longer, but I think that's a testament to the talent. You were in Godspell and I just want to say so was I in high school. What did you sing? What were you doing? What did you do?

Oh, she tried to sing. I don't know if it was successful. I did Turn Back Oh Man Oh excuse me to overcompensate for not being able to sing I just sat in the lap of I don't know one of the students' dads

and sang to him which in hindsight not appropriate It's an interesting journey What song did you sing i sang by my side oh that's a good one i loved singing that but turn back oh man it's fun very very saucy i had a um like a feather boa that i would put on yeah yeah that maybe perhaps needs to be the theme song for why won't you date like could you imagine if you're like signing in like it's like hi i'm Yeah. Yeah. That maybe perhaps needs to be the theme song for Why Won't You Date? Like, could you imagine if you're like signing in? Like, it's like, hi, I'm Nicole Barr.

Turn back. Oh, man. For swear thy foolish words. You sang it well. Come on, Nicole. I heard that. Well, thank you. I've been taking singing lessons because people constantly ask me if I can sing and I can't and I'm trying to change that that narrative in my life I love that's cool did you just start or is that like isn't it do you I don't know about you I mean I love to sing so much and I sing all the time like in the shower I sing when I walk my dog Fenway and I'm like one of those like not afraid AirPods in like on the

street fully like full out, just like obnoxious, like not like full out, like giving you a concert but just really feeling yourself. Unapologetic about it. Yeah. So like notes that are too high. I don't care. I'm reaching for them. Hand me a ladder. I'm going to get up there. You know, like that's what I'm into. But I find it so freeing. I don't know if you're finding that in voice lessons, but it's like, I love it. I am finding it freeing. Here's what I discovered.

Singing is kind of intimate because there's like, you're like, you're good or you're bad. And to me, that's intimate because being funny, it's like, oh, you don't like that comedy. That's fine. But it might be funny to somebody else. But singing is pretty universal. It's like, you're bad. But then there's like a circle of good. Like you could be like bad,

but then have such an interesting, bizarre way. You know what I mean? Like you could be like so bad, you come back around to good we're just like boy that was interesting yeah she has such an interesting sound like so i want to ask you about this so right before booking orange is the new black you almost retired from acting to go to law school yeah well what a generous word retire um thank you for your generosity and kind

of yes i almost chose to no longer act um yeah i did because i was you know going after this thing and you know anybody who's ever pursued it or pursued anything that they wanted that's hard you know to be honest with you it's hard to take those notes when it comes to your passion what you feel like is your thing that you're supposed to be doing and I I just really I I I felt so lost honestly like I just felt so lost and thought this is where I was supposed to be in life, but it felt like all the signs and markers were pointing to no. And I'll say this also, another key piece was that it was the first time that I had been willing theater and I wanted to do theater terribly my whole life. And I loved the theater. I was so proud and happy to be a theater kid. But I also knew there was another corner of my heart that wanted to do film and be on screen.

But, you know, the world was so different when I started on Orange. You know, the landscape that we see now today, you know, where we, it was just not what it was. And I didn't see really space at the table for me. So I never even dared to like, say that out loud, you know, that I even wanted to do something in that arena. Like, who was I? Who do I think I am? And so when I started to pursue it aggressively and just kept getting shot down so hard with like nose left and right, I started feeling like the reason why you were afraid was correct. Like there isn't space for you in this thing. You know, like you're not supposed to be here.

You're not what the people want. You're not what the people want. You're not what this community wants. You were right in being afraid and feeling other and like there was no space for you. So this isn't supposed to be. It's not meant to be for you. And you should go and figure out how not to waste your life and go do something else that could be satisfying and that you have a talent for and you've been trying to push away. And so I can talk a lot. And my parents knew that from the moment I opened my mouth. They had always thought I would be a lawyer because I was so chatty. And I said, you know, maybe that's what you're supposed to do. And you're being silly out here in these streets, trying to think you have any business being on camera. And so, yeah, I was going to go and become a lawyer. And that day, very quickly, my whole life changed. And I got the phone call for this was in September for an audition that I'd had that August for Orange is the New Black that they would like to. There was actually a place of people who wanted to invite me to be part of their story in their world.

My life has never been the same. I really do love that story. I also love that Crazy Eyes initially was only supposed to be in two episodes. And then you were so undeniably good that they were like, no, we need more of this. That's exciting to experience as an actor. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's incredible. It was so crazy. Yeah. Like, I remember like, you know, being on that call and, you know, talking with my representation and they were saying, you know, it's three episodes, possibly a fourth. I'll never forget that line. It's like possibly a fourth. And I remember being like, you know, I had never, I hadn't literally, Nicole, when I say literally, y'all, I mean, literally, I'd never booked anything on television before or anything.

So, you know, they were like, it's three episodes, possibly four. And I was like, that felt like the mountaintop. Like I had got, you know what I mean? Like winning the lottery. Oh, yes, girl. I was like that like winning the lottery oh yes girl I was like oh my gosh three episodes me moi you're kidding and they weren't and um so when I did those three episodes I was over the moon oh my gosh you couldn't you could not bring me down from cloud nine I was so excited I was just this is amazing. And I remember one of our producers was walking me back to my dressing

room after I finished the third episode. And she says to me, she said, she was like, you know, great job. We're going to use you more. And I, all I thought, I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to get to do that fourth episode. Like, that's what I thought. That's what I thought she meant. Like, I was like, oh, I'm going to get to do the fourth one. Like, and then I'll be done. You know? And that'll be it.

You know? And I was like, great. This is amazing. This is like the best thing ever. Little did I know, I had no, no, no, no, no idea that they meant anything else beyond yeah seasons and seasons that's so wonderful were you dating during that time or were you married was i definitely wasn't married um dating yes did did Maybe, but loosely. Like, I'm not, like, I don't... No one...

Clearly, no one... Sorry. Sorry. After the show came out, did dating change for you? Since, like, you were being recognized? Were there people slipping in the DMs going, hey, Uzo, come on.

I got some. Yes, I got some DMs for sure. But it also did change in that it was like, it's weird. I mean, dating itself is weird. Let's be honest. You know what I mean? It's like dating is like so bizarre. And I was never like, get in there. Like, you know, ever anyway, I have like a slow, soft approach. When the show hit, I think what was, what did change was that it was like weird. Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you this story. It was weird to like already be known by someone. So when I first started the show, right before I had joined, how was it? I'm forgetting now.

Maybe it was like Bumble. I can't remember. Like I had joined some dating. Something. Yes. Yeah, I had joined some dating something you know yes yeah I had joined some dating app right before and I just remember like our then and I had been on it you know and like had like you know casual my you know medium activity whatever and then the show came out

and I had stopped paying attention to it for a minute. And then the show came out. And then for some reason, I don't know, I don't remember why, but I went on the app. And it was like, there were like three people that hit me up on it. And it was like, they were like, you're the girl from Orange. And each guy, all of them, they were like, the guys were like, you know, I'd love to take you out for dinner. Like, this guy was like, oh, yeah, I just started watching the show. You know, you're so great. And I was like, I think I should probably get off this. Be out here with like, you know, things to know about me, like things I think about, you know what I mean?

Like whenever. So that just was like I think it changed in that way where it's like sort of like the natural discovery you would have on a date, you know, of each of you like asking questions like he's asking you like whatever and I'm asking whatever I'm asking him and like to suddenly like you have all this information about my life and I have none about you. You know what I mean? Yeah, it feels very uneven. Yeah, it feels very uneven. I've had that experience where I've like dated people and then we stopped dating and then I'm like, well, I have no more access to you besides like what you post on like Instagram or whatever. But you have all this access. If you ever want to check up on me, you can find me truly anywhere. Yeah, like I'll be on a billboard sometimes you like on your be on your favorite podcast sometimes and I always wonder what it's like for them I guess fine because no one has reached out to be like I miss you correct I wondered that as well like I thought that as well like I'm just like well I've also changed my number so probably unlikely yes but like I I have wondered that

like before as well where I'm like wow you know because normally it should be like you break up and like both of you disappear from each other's world and like I wondered that too like X's before I'm like I wonder what he's doing and to your point like it's like I can like think back I can like go on insta I don't follow anybody but I could like go on instagram and see what they're anybody but I could like go on Instagram and see what they're doing and it's like that version of them is all I have access to and it's like

for all I know like somebody could be listening to like every to this isn't that wild to think about tuning in and like hearing me say these things which is to let you know right now if I can take a minute. Could you imagine if I turned this into that? I was like, it would be very funny. I would love it.

You grew up in Massachusetts? Yes. How was that? Was it predominantly black? Was it white? I grew up in a white neighborhood. So dating for me was, I think, a little tough. I don't know if it was like inherently said that like maybe parents didn't want their kids to be with a black girl. But like I was truly in high school, never close to ever being in a relationship. Was it the same or was it different for you? No, it was the same for me. I grew up in, yes, the same promodominally white um area you know boston historically i think is fairly well known for being like quite a segregated northern city and that was true in my experience as well um yeah i like i listen i'm not in those households and in those rooms with those parents speaking to their children when it comes to like the birds and the bees and whether it was like overtly stated like don't do this what i do know is i know that the

feedback i was getting in terms of like what is beauty and what is beautiful was very clear whether that was like intentionally meant to exclude me from that category or if it was just due to the gaze that was historic, was appreciated. clear understanding that the idea of beauty from people's mouth was blonde hair, blue eyes, brown hair, hazel eyes, green eyes, something like this. And for me, I interpreted that to mean, well, then the opposite of that must not be beautiful to you because I had the direct opposite color of that. And therefore, I will never be blonde. You know what I mean? Well, today's day and age, yes, I could be. God bless. Slap on a wig, but not naturally. Yeah, exactly. But like, we all love an install, but for both my sisters as well. I'm one of five. I have two brothers and two sisters. And my brother is dated, which I think speaks also to culture.

Sure does. dated which i think speaks also to culture sure does right but neither of my sisters and both of my sisters i'm clear forget about how i interpreted it i was clear are beautiful like they're gorgeous girls you know what i mean but yeah not neither one that yeah that's always so interesting to me that black men tend to have a better time than black women dating like i remember growing up my mom used to tell me to tuck my butt so my butt wouldn't seem as big so like just to like fit in more and as i like i grew up and then i was like wait big butts are in now but even if they weren't yeah i'm like so proud of my body now and it did take a while to get there but you know she's here and she's happy

it just yeah and that was true like not even just to single out my sisters like now i'm even thinking about it i'm like that was true for like all the women of color for the most part not like categorically yes there was like one or two like girls of color brown girls you know who dated but like asian girls brown girl indian girl like latin girls biracial you know like it didn't matter the hue and the range like within our community the town we're not dating like so you know you do the math however you want to do it you know what i mean the math wasn't mathing the math was not math real quick we gotta take a break can I ask you so your mom passed away in 2020 and you did a show called In Treatment and you said that that helped you process your grief. I find that really therapeutic that like a job could help you process things.

Can you talk a little bit about that? Yeah, I can talk a little bit about it. woman who has just lost a parent and had lost her mother who she was more close to you know growing up and sigh and but still has to go to work every day and perform at her job you know um professionally and we laid my mother to rest the day before I had to fly to California to start work on in treatment. So it was like rubbing right up against and God bless that entire production. Thank God. I mean, HBO and our producers on that show, I will forever be grateful to them because

we were supposed to start earlier, but they paused and waited to like, when you are ready, we are ready. but they paused and waited to, you know, like when you are ready, we are ready. And it was a place to busy myself. It was a place to hear other people, though fictional, their pain and to concentrate on someone else's other than my own. It was an exercise in figuring out how to go out into the world and know you have just had like the biggest heartbreak of your life, but know that you got to kind of like find somewhere or something to do with it while you're still having to like manage I remember when I would be working and we'd have these moments where my character Brooke, she would have these like big emotional, big emotions just come out. emotions that I was already myself feeling in light of my mother's, you know, recent passing.

Because if I went home to feel it, there was like, it was like a faucet I couldn't turn off, you know, but it gave me a place to just be able to be a human, a wife, a sister, an aunt, you know, all of these things somewhat more effectively. Feels very cosmic to get that role when something like that happens. I was on a show called Grand Crew. It got canceled. But I played a woman who lost her mother but still had her father. And both of my parents have. They did. It was it was the storyline was. No, it's fine. I got to figure out how to get through trauma. But the storyline was me and my brother, our dad started dating this new woman. So we tried to sabotage the relationship. And for me, that was super therapeutic because I was like,

if my dad had started dating another woman while he was living, I would absolutely do that. So it was like kind of fun to play that. And it was just fun to play with someone who actually kind of resembled my dad in tone and in looks. And that felt good it felt um because my mom my mom died when I was 16 my dad died when I was 21 so it is trauma that I've like worked through I've worked so hard in therapy to just like be okay with it and then getting to play that part felt like another step another layer of being okay with

it so yeah I fully identify with getting a part and getting to put emotions that you have just in you on the screen for other people to either identify with or enjoy or be like that's how I fucking feel I I truly do think acting and television and stuff is magic and I love getting to do it. Do you feel the same way that it's magical? Oh, yes, thousand percent. I mean, it's the closest thing. I mean, humans can't fly outside of a plane, but like it's how I imagine that feeling to be like, it's just like the freedom and the absolute escape and like the rush of wind that I feel like when I do it, I can't get enough of it. And I love everything about it. Even the heart.

Even the heart. Same. I love everything about it. It has helped grow me in ways that I never imagined. It has helped me, you know, even hang till, you know, I do know, you know, being what it says to be a parentless child. My father passed away right before I started work on that show. And, you know, just being able to to have again another place to just sort of

like escape to and sort of it's not you know obviously the show he this premise of the show does not have anything to do with uh his passing but somewhere to sort of go and to exist and feel. I am so grateful for art and its power and its magic for that. That's so interesting that that happened twice, that you had jobs with both of their deaths. Mine is the same. I was in a play in high school when my mother died. So it was like therapeutic to be like,

oh, I don't have to be me for these hours. And then when my dad died, I was in an improv class. So again, I was like, oh, I don't have to be me for these hours. I can like be an elephant that's, you know, flying with Batman or whatever. But yeah, like art is so powerful and so wonderful.

I do want to talk about Painkiller. I haven't seen it yet because we're recording, I think, before it's dropped. But I watched the trailer and it looks good. It is such a fucked up premise, though. It's the Sackler family who introduced opioids into the zeitgeist and they were like, prescribe more. is it's like um serious but also since like not sensationalized Matthew Broderick I feel like is playing such a big big big character who's like flashy but also fucking evil and and your part in it I think is so like it felt intense was it intense to shoot it was intense but that and Matthew does such a I mean Matthew's such a phenomenal actor I love him so much and I've been a fan of his forever. He does such a great job of embodying this huge family name that show and is able to like hold that space in such a, I think really genius and like slippery way, you know, he just makes, because that's what that is. You know, like when we,

the insidious nature of, of, uh, this particular, um, corruption and abuse of itself. He was just so, so fantastic in his portrayal. It was, though, it was so intense because it's like I learned a lot walking up to the show. I did not know a lot about OxyContin going in. I knew what neighborhoods and regions that it had ravaged from a news cycle level. But I had no idea the numbers, the strategy, the deliberate nature and real precision that was used to introduce this country to that drug. I really

had no idea how intentional it was really watching what it means to be preyed upon. There are so many different ways to prey on the human spirit and the idea that people would take not only our most economically vulnerable, but also people who are in their most physically vulnerable place in their life, take advantage of that and exploit that in such an obscene way was just tragic to learn. Yeah, it's real fucked up. It's to give something to someone that's highly

addictive with no way of getting off of it or no explanation. I dislocated my ankle December of 2020. And I'll never forget my doctor was like, take the painkillers for a week. And then after a week, only take them to sleep at night. Do not take them during the day. And then I was like, well, what if I'm in pain? He's like, you have a rod. You have nails in your ankle. Of course you're going to be in pain. Just live in the discomfort because you don't want to keep taking them. And he's like, and I'm not prescribing you anymore. And then I remember one morning I woke up and I was like, oh, I got to take my pills. And I was like, oh, that's what he's talking about. That's exactly what you just become a person. You're like, I want to take them so I can get through my day. But then I was like oh that's what he's talking about that's exactly what you you just become a person like you just you're like I want to take them so I can get through my day but then I was

like oh I'm gonna be in pain and that's what I had to keep just thinking and I was like this is insane that we just prescribe this to people and then keep prescribing it and I do understand that some people do have chronic pain and do need to be on it. But for injuries, like there was no game plan besides him being like, just don't take them after a week. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, totally. And I mean, and that's even like crazy about like,

yeah, like the education behind it. You're like realizing and learning. It's like the only group, like I think I'm paraphrasing this probably somewhat poorly. It's like, but it was like determined in there, you know, like studies and research.

It's like for people who are like terminal, like that's who this should be ongoing for, you know, that's the level of pain of people who should be using it. It's like people who are not going to live to see the next year. You know what I mean? Like that's who should be getting it religiously, not for people who like twisted their ankle, you know, or whatever,

you know, and you're getting their wisdom teeth taken out, you know, like, which is what, how I was first introduced to it. You know, I, the one and only time I've ever taken it was I had my wisdom teeth pulled and was prescribed to me and I was on the phone with my mom and she was asking me like I think I must have said to her like they gave me pain medicine she asked me and I told her and I was like Oxycontin blah blah blah whatever else and my mom my parent my parents were from Nigeria are from Nigeria and she was like only take it tonight and after that flush it down the toilet. She wanted me to flush them, girl.

And I was like, yeah, and I was like, okay, mom, you know, whatever. And like the next day she called and she was like, how are you feeling? I was like, I'm feeling good. She's like,

did you flush that medication? I was like, I was like, she was real focused on the flushing. I was like, no, I haven't yet. And she was like, make sure you flush that thing. You know?

Don't throw it. Yeah, like she was like, she could see me like fishing through the trash. You know what I mean? She was like, make sure you flush that thing. And I was like, all right. And I did because I was like, I don't know. You know, whatever. She's watched. It's like she might be on to something.

She's watched a lot of nightly news, clearly. She is. Uh-huh. Working on something as intense as that, how do you, what do you do to, like, shake it off? Like, what do you do when you go home to be like, let me get all this shit out of my head? You know, we were up in Toronto when we were filming that. And we did a lot of, like, dinners out. There was a park near where I live,

and I would go and sit in the park. This is when the weather was warmer. I'd go and sit in the park a lot. I also would watch this raccoon family a lot in the back of the house. I was like... That was the least expected thing that I thought you would say. I watched this raccoon family. That was in my backyard.

Because when I first moved in, they were so intense about locking the doors. And making sure the lock was on, not just closed. Because those raccoons get in this closed they're like because those raccoons get in this and i was like terrified of like raccoons coming in but then and like i like saw them one day like this family and i was like holy shit like these are really really close like they're really trying to get in here yeah exactly like one day they like were on the deck like at the door like paws up on the glass like trying to figure it out and i was like must lock these doors but yeah i would like watch them in the backyard and be like what are they gonna do today

i love that does your husband travel with you for work or do you operate long distance how do you deal with that? We do both. We do a bit of both. Like he doesn't come and stay like for the duration because it's his own life. But yeah, we both go back and forth. Like we figure out, you know, what's the schedule, either the shoot schedule or, you know, done plays to, you know, what's the rehearsal schedule and accommodate both. Like, he'll usually come for, like, two long stretches, you know, and then, like, I'll go back in the interim for, like, longer weekends. And he's also in the industry as well, right?

Yes. He's a filmmaker. Have you collaborated? We have not collaborated yet. I mean, we collaborate in that like he helps me learn my lines and my parts and works on, you know, things like that for me. And when I, it helps me prepare. I've read his material excuse me i've read his materials and looked at storyboards and things like this or like before he's you know first

past edits he did a music video last year and like i was like looking at that you know like see before he did his final edit to be like, what, how do you, you know, what do you think? And what do you think about the color correction? You know, things like that. So that's the most we've done. But who knows? Who knows what the future will hold? Uzo, thank you so much for doing this.

We've come to the end. And okay, I ask all of my guests this. It's theoretical, but would you date me? Yes, of course. Why not? Thank you. Ah, what a dream. Thank you.

Sometimes people go, no. And my feelings are what? Hurt. No, you're a cash. Thank you. Uzo, do you have anything that you want to promote? Painkiller, which is out now yeah

everybody take a look check it out on Netflix I honestly can't wait to watch it the trailer looks so good if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me

you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe on like Apple Podcasts or whatever and if you write me something dirty hitting on me

to whywon'tyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com, I will read it. This person said, dear Nicole, have you ever had a pearl dragon before? I have it. It happened to me once when I was about to swallow. Then I sneezed and cum shot out of both my nostrils. I want that for you.

Oh, why? I'm going to throw fuck you until I'm just edging, then toss a dash of pepper in the air to make you sneeze as I finish. And wham, cum will start gushing out of your nose. It'll burn a little,

but oddly you'll like it, Uzo's face. And then I'll drag my balls across your cum-covered face, turning them into little pearls. You'll say, what a treat, what a dream. Welcome to your new kink. Love you. Bye.

Had you heard of that prior to reading that email? Not at all. No. No, I've never heard of that. That was a good one. Thank you so much. Uzo, thank you. Learned something new today.

Okay. Bye-bye. Uzo thank you learn something new today okay bye bye Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me Mars it's executive produced by Adam Sachs Nick Liao

and Jeff Ross at Team Coco with talent bookings by Paula Davis Gina Batista and Maddie Ogden got a question crazy dating story,

or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye.