Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Forever Single Friends (w/ Jessica Gao)

Episode Date: May 3, 2024

Writer Jessica Gao (She Hulk: Attorney at Law, Rick & Morty) joins Nicole to discuss male friends who are "single for a reason", the pressures of dating in the Chinese culture, people sticking in bad relationships in order to avoid dating again, and how hormones from an IUD can significantly affect your attraction levels. Plus, she shares her experience writing Rick and Morty's iconic 'Pickle Rick' episode, and the targeted backlash she received from fans.  Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, has been trying to figure out why I'm still single, but I don't like care about that so much. But OK, oh, I was going to do my dirty intro.

Why I'm still single, even though you could come on my walls with rolls of wallpaper and then try to stick the wallpaper to the walls, I would say, wow, babe, that's a great solution. My guest today is a writer and producer known for her work on Silicon Valley corporate robot chicken and for writing the iconic Pickle Rick episode of Rick and Morty. Also, she's the creator and writer of the hit series She-Hulk, Attorney at Law. And my friend. I once cried asking for friendship because I have emotional imbalances. I'm so happy she's here.

It's Jessica Gale. Hello, my friend. I'm so happy to be here. It's Jessica Gale! Hello, my friend. I'm so happy to be here, and I'm so happy that you asked me directly if we can be friends and then burst into tears. You're like, let me file that away as something you do. Okay, Jessica, let's hop into it. Before we talk about dating and stuff, I just really love this story about your parents sending you back to China alone at seven years old.

And they were like, don't talk to anyone. Just keep walking ahead. What was the thought process? I don't think I know the thought process behind sending you back to China alone their their thought process um well the party line that i was fed was that um they wanted me to they really wanted to cement the chinese language mandarin for me because a lot of because i came to america when i was four and um once i started school you know i started speaking english a lot more.

And it happened to a lot of their friends' kids where they'd come to America and start school and they'd start speaking English. And then they would just stop speaking Chinese. But I always felt like that sounds like a discipline problem. Like, just make it a rule at home, you know. So they were like, well, obviously, we don't want that to happen to our kid. And the only logical solution is to now send her back to the old country alone. By the way, we lived in the San Gabriel Valley, which is like almost 100% Chinese people. Really?

Yeah, it's predominantly Chinese. And there's like you if you drive down any street in the San Gabriel Valley, most of the signs are like most store signs are in Chinese. And so and there's like a Chinese school every two blocks. But they were like, the only solution is to go back. And they didn't like assign me as like an unaccompanied minor. They just were like, you're going to fly alone, but don't tell anyone. They specifically said to me, don't tell anyone you're flying alone because it's illegal and we'll get in trouble. So and by the way, when I tell people this story, they're like, well, maybe, you know, they're immigrants.

Like, maybe they didn't know that you can do, like, unaccompanied minor. You can assign a bail agent. My mom was a travel agent. I love her. She knew. So then they, you know, they dropped me off at LAX. I'm very bummed about it and they were like if anyone asks where your parents are just say they're in the bathroom

and then when you get on the plane like uh remember who's sitting around you like all the people around you just remember them and when the plane lands follow them and you just keep walking and following all of those people and eventually you're gonna like see people you know who are there to pick you up which is what happened to be fair is so funny yeah it's also funny that nobody like like your parents are in the bathroom but like on the plane my parents are in the bathroom are they ever coming back well also all these seats are full nobody asked me nobody even asked me where your parents are. And also think about this. That means that when I landed in China, I had to go through customs.

And I had to go through, like, immigration. And I had to fill out all those little forms by myself. I had a second grade education. So I filled out all of those forms, went up to the window, gave them my passport and all my forms. And they looked at it, looked at the penmanship of a second grader and said, this all looks in order, stamped it and sent me on my way. That is so wild. It also truly gives validity to Home Alone 2.

Or no, yeah, Home Alone 2, where he's like, they go somewhere and he goes somewhere else, right? No, is that it? Yes, yes, they go somewhere and he goes somewhere else, right? No, is that it? Yes, yes. They go somewhere and he goes to New York. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And nobody asks.

They just let him on. And he gets out and he's a New York City baby. But I also love the idea of a second grader trying to go through customs because me as an adult have been like, wait, what? What do I do? I give you what? What? God, that's so funny.

I just love your mother. She makes me really happy. I didn't know this, but once your mother offered you $10,000 per hand for a hand transplant. Yes. Wait, did I tell you that? No.

My assistant does research. Oh, man. Yes, my assistant does research. Oh, man. Yes, my mom. Well, this is excellent research. My mom, I have very soft hands, very smooth. And my mom would always stroke my hand and go like, oh, your skin is so soft and so smooth. There aren't any wrinkles, you know. so soft and so smooth there aren't any wrinkles you know and um and by the way my childhood my nickname in my family is pig because i was born in the year of the pig but also because they think

i'm fat and and so my mom would call my hands my hooves she'd be like look at your little hooves they're so soft and smooth and wrinkle free and then she would talk about her hands like because she doesn't do any skin care which is wild for an asian woman and so her hands are all like wrinkled and sun damaged and then she would at one at every every time she would you know stroke my hand at some point she would tighten her grip her eyes would go black and she would go i wish i could just cut them off and put them on my wrist i love your mother and then one year at christ Eve dinner, when like there's like 20 people there in the middle of dinner. My mom, I don't remember what prompted this, but shouts across the table to me, Jessica, serious offer. Ten thousand dollars per hand for a hand transplant.

I mean, that's twenty thousand dollars. I'd have no hands but okay in my brain i would be like sure but you have to give me hands it's like also do you hand then i get her hands but maybe you get somebody else's hands wait are hand transplants is that even a thing is that a real thing i don't know i that sounds like i mean it just sounds like there's so many factors it's like you probably have to have the same blood i mean yeah it probably would work since we're such closely related but there's also it seems like there would be such a high chance of rejection and i don't think it would be a completely functional hand even if your body didn't reject the transplant. I don't think it would.

We can do some more research into this. I spend the next 20 years of my life researching hand transplants. And ooh, okay. Mars, my producer, says, it exists. A hand transplant is a lengthy procedure that may last 18 to 24 hours.

What? I don't have that kind of time. I got to record podcasts. Wait, when did you come back to the U.S., to the States? Just a year later. Although the original agreement was for three years. They originally wanted me to go for three years. I talked them down to one year with the caveat that if I did my one year, when I came back, they would have to get me a puppy,

which is like all I wanted in the world. And so then they agreed. But I was like, these people have burned me so many times. I need proof. So I was like, I need proof that we had this conversation, that we had this agreement. We have to put it in writing. And so I made them write out a contract that said like if jessica goes to china for a year she can have a puppy and i made them both sign it and um and then armed with the contract i was like okay now i'll go and i went to china for a year by the way didn't let me live with either sets of grandparents because my mom said they would spoil me and she didn't want a brat when I came back.

Your mom is so funny. This thought process of parenting is so funny. I want her to be fluent in Mandarin. I don't want her to be spoiled. I don't want her to be with people who know her and love her.

And who she knows, too. Who she knows and trusts and feels safe with. Who did you live with? Her old best friend from the neighborhood who I knows, too. Who she knows and trusts and feels safe with. Who did you live with? Her old best friend from the neighborhood who I didn't know. Did she have kids? Yeah, she had a son. Oh, okay.

Was that fun? Yes and no. He was very sweet to me. He was like two or three years older than me and very much treated me like a little sister and was, like, really, really nice to me. But still, like, it must have sucked for him. This lady's coming? This little girl's coming for a year? Yeah.

And we had to share a bedroom. Oh. I know. God, that's so funny. My family did something like that, too. My uncle lived with, like, his godmother for a little bit, but I believe my grandmother was still there in Barbados. For whatever reason, he had to go live somewhere else for a little bit.

I think that's the story they told me. I don't know. When I went to Barbados, they kept telling me the most insane things. And I was like, that, what? That doesn't, you can't why i don't immigrant parents do the wildest shit for no fucking reason yeah but i do think that like a lot of most of the non-european cultures are kind of like that where it's kind of like the community raises you know it's always because it's like multi-generational household you live close to

like your extended family so like everyone it's like it's kind because it's like multi-generational household. You live close to like your extended family. So like everyone, it's like it's kind of like an it takes a village philosophy. Yeah. And so it's like totally normal for other people to just pitch in and take care of your kid. Although I think even culturally, it was very weird for everyone that my mom was like, I'm going to pay my best friend to take my child, even though both sides of grandparents were very happy to take her. It's just so funny. I love it. Wait, Jessica, when did you start dating? Do you think you're a late bloomer or an early bloomer? Definitely late bloomer. And then, and you know, I was not a prolific dater, but also I've been with my husband for 12 years. I mean,

we've only been married for one, but we've been together for 12 years, you know? That's such a long time. How did you meet? My high school best friend was his roommate. And they had a pool party. Yeah. We tell the story two different ways of how we met. So my version is, you know,

my childhood best friend is like, I'm having a pool party, because he was like going away to go to grad school and um and so he was like oh please come and i was like oh great where does he live now out to dina no thank you um but then i was like wait he's moving away for four years i should probably try to make an effort so i just thought to myself i'll go for like 45 minutes because i don't know any of his fucking friends you know and i'll just say goodbye and then i'll leave and so i go and it's a pool party i walk into through the back gate and uh my now husband was like the was sitting like closest to the entrance

of the gate and so i walk in he said something smart assy to me and so i was like oh okay whatever because and then i see my friend across the pool so So I was like, okay, I'm going to go talk to my friend now. And I walk over, I start chatting with my friend, but out of the corner of my eye, I can see this guy like watching me from across the pool. And then after 10 minutes, he comes all the way around the pool, drags a chair, pulls it up to us and joins our conversation and like chats with us for like an hour and i was like this guy is obsessed with me so that's my version of what happened his version is that i walked through the back gate into the pool area and as soon as i walked in he crested from the pool like a beautiful merman backlit by the sun glistening dew drops coming off of his beautiful hair.

And then he shook his gorgeous mane and water droplets got everywhere. And I came on the spot. Somehow, I think his version is the most correct. That's so funny that he was like, oh, no, I was this like hot person that was like so sexy and irresistible and you wanted it. Wait, 12 years ago, we don't have to reveal your age, but before that, were you dating? Were you dating a lot? No, I was just not a good dater.

But also, 12 years ago was pre-apps. So I never experienced app dating although like like i did ok cupid briefly but it was like you know that was when you were still logging into a website it wasn't like yes so like i can't when i hear about like my single friends like talking about after it just sounds like a living hellscape i tell my husband all the time like i'm willing to put up with any amount of your bullshit at this point to not have to go back to dating. And that's really backfired on me. I've heard friends complain about their partners with things where I'm like, oh, you that's you

should break up like that's you're not compatible anymore. That's bad. And then the friend go, well, I just don't want to do dating again. Like, I simply don't want. And I'm like, I get it. It really is hell on fucking earth. It is awful. I don't wish on my worst enemy. Just sifting through people, having to talk to the most boring fucking people. It's just awful.

I hate it. You're lucky that you didn't have to do any of that. I very very lucky and i don't know what it is like i i feel like i there's so many wonderful like talented smart funny beautiful women single women in my life uh present company included and that i'm like i it boggles my mind that you don't have like a great partner, you know, because you've got the whole package. But I don't feel the same way about my single male friends. Like all of my single male friends, I'm like, you're single for a reason. And you got to work on that.

God, that's so, that's, I mean, that's what people say. I'm like, do you have friends and like i do but they're single for a reason and i don't want to put you through that and i'm like why why are there wonderful single women but not men why is that yeah i want to know too i need answers wait does your husband have any friends same Same answer. Single for a reason. I feel like I've asked you that before. Yeah. Honestly, I feel like best case scenario is like you catch a good man on his like first divorce.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm getting old enough to where like that is it. And I might have to be a step mommy. Could you imagine oh boy you know what you would be such a fun step mom i think so too because i feel like i'd be like okay listen i simply don't want to be your mother the only thing like you could tell me shit i'll tell your dad but like if it's if it's like super important but if if it's not, it could be our secret baby. Yeah.

Be safe. And I'm not here to. Exactly. Like be a safe, loving adult that they can trust. Like, yeah, I feel like that's like best case scenario. I think that's what I would want. But then when I think about like a teen in my house, I'm like, oh, oh, you're not sticky anymore, but you're dirty. And teens like don't bathe.

And like, yeah, they smell. They really do. And they're scary like my friend's child we were like being sassy to one another and then she said something extra sassy and i was like that hurt my feelings but it shouldn't have it shouldn't have hurt my feelings oh my god real quick got to take a break. Wait, Jessica. So did you date?

What was your high school dating experience? Because mine was there were no gentlemen. I had crushes on men or boys or whatever, but it was never reciprocated. But did you, I was like the only black girl in my class. It was like me and my sister. Were you the only Chinese girl? No. Oh, because you were in the San Gabriel Valley. Well, so in junior high and high school, I moved to like kind of the eastern most end of the San Gabriel Valley where I would say it's more like there's probably like 25 asians which is still a lot you

know yeah so and so i went to a school where there was still like a ton of asian people and so i'm very very grateful that i grew up in the san carol valley and not have like the kind of identity issues that a lot of my friends who grew up in like all white spaces had because you know especially during my most formative years like all through elementary school um all through elementary school we were we were the dominant race you know and so like every single class had more asian people than any other race so like so i grew up just being like yeah i'm the normal one you know and then And then junior high and high school, I went where there was a lot more white people and a lot more Latino kids. But, like, there were still so many Asians that it didn't feel like – like, I was never the only Asian in any space there.

So that felt fine. But I didn't – oh, I had a non-existent dating life in high school. But I spent all of high school with a crush on one dude. Oh my God. I know. Do you like have his Instagram? Do you like know what he's up to? No, I have no idea.

But I'm also very like inactive. Because I feel like Facebook is like what millennials use to keep in touch and I got rid of it like maybe 10 years ago um and I you know I don't know if you went through this but I before I did it I was like oh my god like I'm gonna miss out on so much this is the only way I can keep up with people like I'm gonna be so out of the loop and out of the conversation and then the moment I deleted it I never thought about it again yeah I deleted it and I remember being like oh what if I logged back in one more time and then I was like for what to for what to see more children that your high school classmates had like I people I don't keep up with like I keep up with the people from high school that like I love and care about,

which is two people. And then from college, if you want to call it that, I went to an acting school for two years. But like I keep up with like five people from there. Those are like my actual friends. Like it's just like the people in my life are the people who I like genuinely like

and care to keep up with. And I don't need a Facebook, but sometimes on Instagram, I'll look up some of my crushes to see how they're doing, who they're married to, and what their children look like. And sometimes I have dodged a bullet because some of their kids came out funky looking. And I'd be so mad if I had a funky ass kid. No way. Did you go to any high school reunions? Did your school do those? Yes.

There was a 10-year reunion that I was going to go to, and then I was like, for what? I don't... For what? Well, I guess it's also different if you have to, like, travel to go. I would have to travel to Jersey, and I was like... I don't have family in Jersey anymore, because it was just, like my my little mom dad

sister and mom dad dead and sisters in uh chicago now so i was like i'd have to get a hotel and i'd have to like do a but and i was like no i'm not doing it and i don't i don't like i don't think i missed out on anything you know yeah yeah yeah but i'm also in awe of people who are like okay so i just learned the other, okay, I was talking to Sashir and we were talking about like how she did a bunch, like, okay, I don't understand how people went to school from nine to 3 p.m.

and then stayed for more school for clubs. Like, were you in clubs in school? Dude, I was like max fisher from rushmore i was in so many clubs i don't understand that reference school oh my you never seen rushmore no i shouldn't be surprised it's very rare that i bring up a movie and you're like i've seen that yeah no it's like what did i watch just like a wall and i was like this is entertaining um oh i was in a million clubs and i was like very involved i was like the president of two different clubs i was the secretary of a third one i was in like seven clubs i also like tangentially

did theater like i did theater tech i was the school DJ I wrote for the school newspaper I did so many things that's so wild to me I truly was like I gotta go home I don't want to be here anymore to do what also I didn't understand how you joined clubs like in my adult life I'm like what did you do like how did you find out where the clubs were? Like, I sound so dumb, but I simply don't understand how it was done. And so she was like, was your sister in clubs? I was like, yes. And she was like, why didn't you ask her?

And I was like, because I didn't want to be at school. Like I ended up doing track and field because Mr. Haynes, my gym teacher, we just had like a quarter where we were in the locker room and that was our gym class. And he had me bench press and he was like, oh, you're strong. And I was like, I guess. And he's like, you should throw the shot put. And I was like, okay, where do I go for that?

He's like track. And I was like, well, where, what do you mean? And then he literally brought me down to the track to meet the coach. And then the coach was like, okay, well, here's how we do track. You have to warm up. And I was like, no, I won't do that. Cause you had to like run around the track. And I was like, I simply won't. So I would come late every day. Nobody ever said anything, but I would come late all the time and then just like practice throwing the shot put and then go to meets and had a good time.

And then with drama club, my friend john mason in chemistry class was like do you like want to do plays and stuff and i was like i guess and he's like come with me after school to the drama club and i was like okay i to this day wouldn't know how to do it on my own this all tracks because the first time you and i hung out together, it was on a group vacation and you basically were like, someone has to tell me what to do and where to go. Yeah, could not figure out the driveway of that house. And then in the morning,

I remember looking around and everyone was doing stuff and I was like, can someone instruct me on like how to clean up better? Because I don I don't have any I don't know what to do I I'm very much a person who's like I like have to look around the class or like look around at people and go oh okay that's what we're doing uh yeah you need an example yeah it well it worked out really well for our dynamic because all I want to do in life is tell everyone what to do. And like, I remember we went to the airport and like, they were like, oh, we're boarding through this gate. And to be polite, I was like, oh, go ahead. I wanted, I was going to let you walk first. And you were like, no, someone has to go first. and that was that was the moment where I was like this is gonna work out really well because I was fighting every instinct to go first because I wanted to go first but I was like no you have to be polite this is your first time hanging out with this person you have to be polite and let

them go first treat them like a guest and I truly was like no I don't know how to walk on a plane i think i've done a hundred times but i hate going first i i simply hate it um i always like to like watch because i don't want to look stupid even though i look stupid all the time and that's okay i like i own it but i i try really hard not to because sometimes people go oh you're like pretending or like you know what's's going on. And I'm like, no, no, I actually don't. And I did this game show recently where we had to answer questions and then you got to see the group's questions against the contestants questions. And then you can like get up and help the contestant. And I it was like something about like, what is the first bill of rights that protects free press and I was like Bill Bill Clinton and then they were like what and I was like that's the only

bill I care about it was just a silly little joke and then when I got up to help the contestant he was like no joke answers okay like actually try to help me and I was like oh my god I was like I am gonna try to help you I was I wasn't trying to help you when I was sitting. That was just, that's for fun. And I was like, you're like, you're being neat. Let's kill him. Okay. Okay, great.

I love that that is your solution. That's my go-to answer for everything. Kill him. Wait, I got to show you something. So as you know from hanging out with me a lot murder is very often my go-to solution for a lot of things and on uh when we were in the writer's room for she hulk like anytime i didn't like like we were talking shit about somebody anytime somebody i hear about somebody doing something that i didn't like or i just didn't like them

as a person i would say they're cordial they're invited to die they're cordially invited to die and um and so for Christmas the writer's room got me these custom printed invitations for me to send out that say you are cordially invited to die on like beautiful stationery that's so sweet I love when people do shit like that. That's, am I going to cry? I know, it's so thoughtful. I love it. I also love that you once brought a hand leg from Costco to the writer's room. Yeah, and we went through three entire hand legs during the course of our writer's room. I simply love that. I feel like you run like such a fun fucking room. I want to be in a room with you. We had a good time. Yeah, we had a good time because I don't believe in staying late. I don't think anything gets funnier after seven. And also, I don't think anyone, I don't think you do work, like you produce good work if you don't have a life. Because all we do all day in writers rooms is steal from everyone's personal experiences.

And if you're not having personal experiences because you're stuck at fucking work every day and night, like then there's nothing for us to mine. I agree. So I did my special. I think it came out December 2021. And then like the expectation is after a special comes out you tour and i was also working on a show so i had no time to live a life and that's what i said to my reps i was like i haven't lived i don't know how to write a joke about being on set or like driving to a lot i was like that's not relatable and i have to like live a life to figure out how to relate to people again. You know?

And I didn't want to keep talking about the pandemic. So it was just such a mindfuck. And I fully agree with you. You have to fucking live in order to create art. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's a finite well-lived experience that you're drawing from. You have to keep making them.

Jessica? Yeah. We had a lot of fun. Yes. Real quick. We got to take a break and we're back okay so you've won an emmy which is really cool because i have not um and that's the only reason it's cool.

And the moment you win yours, it's going to cease being cool. It's not going to be cool anymore. But you won for Rick and Morty, which is a show that like, I feel like boys like that show. I think women like it too, but I feel like it's like a boys boy show.

And I've only really heard men talk about it, but you wrote it for Pickle Rick and I've never watched Rick and Morty, but I've heard about Pickle Rick. I've heard about it before I met you. And so I've learned I didn't know this, that you were harassed on Twitter and your personal information was leaked by the show fans. No, my personal information was not leaked. But but the like even before the third. So it was the third season that I wrote on it.

It was the first time they hired female writers. And before this third season premiered, all these trolls, like, found out that there were female writers and were like, how dare you? And were going online and just, like, really talking shit. And talking shit in general, then also like tweeting at us but like truly the most insane things because there are people who don't understand how television is made so people will be like why don't you give give dan and justin their show back like as if like as if they hired these like lower level writers who then came in and were like, well, it's our show now. Like we just like Somali pirated their show and we're like,

this is our show now. And you got to do what we say. That is so wild. The internet is so silly and dumb and, but also fun and happy and silly. But it's just funny that people were like, these women we hate, they're going to ruin our show.

And it's like, it's a room. You generate ideas and then yeah, you go off to ruin our show. And it's like, it's a room. You generate ideas. And then, yeah, you go off to script or whatever. But it's from a room idea. It's from a room outline. Yeah. And at the end of the day, the showrunners are the ones who call the shots.

Like, they're the ones who, they're the bosses. Like, they run everything. Everyone is trying to help them achieve their vision, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Also, okay, I've never asked you this because I'm trying to be chill and cool and stuff and keep our friendship nice and light.

You got to work with Meg the Stallion on She-Hulk. And because I watched all of She-Hulk when I was in my phase of, I think I care about Marvel because I had just done a podcast about Marvel. So I was like, I care about this whole universe. But now I'm like, it's too much. It's Lord Jesus.

But what was it like to work with Meg? Well, our time with her was very, very short. Like, I think we shot everything of hers in like one day because, you know, she's busy. She's booked, busy. She's the stallion. Yeah. And that day, I think we were shooting two episodes at once so i was covering the other set i was only on her set for like maybe a couple hours

like basically when the the episode i was covering like wrapped i like ran over to the other stage and i met her briefly in her trailer she was very nice and just she's very sweet and clearly so talented like she really is just a machine like she just turns on and like does everything perfectly and was so game for everything it was incredible and like and tatiana mazlani is like the biggest um meg the stallion fan and just i mean i just was dying every second of the of the day what a dream uh truly truly such a dream shooting two episodes at once i think uh should be illegal i think it's rude yeah um i especially like block shooting where you're like okay this is 101 this is 102 because it's like the same the reason why

okay if you're not in the industry you block shoot and do two episodes at once because you can use the same set for two episodes at one time and then you can like move on or whatever change the stage uh the sound stage but like you'll be like wait what is happening where am i coming from and then someone's like flipping pages being like oh you're coming from this but then script changes happen so then it's it flipping pages being like, oh, you're coming from this. But then script changes happen. So then it's, it just gets so fucking confusing and it should be illegal.

It is very, very hard because you're doing it for like pragmatic reasons, you know, and like money saving and time saving reasons. But then it like really fucks with the performers

because they're like, okay, now I'm at the end of the season and I'm in this emotional state and all of this shit has happened. But then the next scene I do, it's the beginning of the season and I'm a totally different person.

And I'm talented, but you have to remember I'm an idiot. So it's so hard to do those switches sometimes. Okay, Jessica, I've also never said this to you because again, friendship. Don't want to like overstep. Listen, let's pitch to Marvel a show about Storm.

I don't want to play Storm. I'm too fat to play Storm. But I can be Storm's fat best friend. All right, let's do it. I'll text Kevin Feige right now. Text Kevin Feige. That's what I call him. I'm her fat best friend and I'm like, storm, it's so hot.

Can you make it windy? Wait, I just want to go back to like high school and stuff. Like your mom is truly like this incredible character of a woman and she's so funny to me um do you did she ever put pressure on you to date oh god no no no well that's the thing with asian parents you're not supposed to date ever until you graduate college and then you're supposed to be immediately married like that's the trajectory you're not allowed to date all through high school. You're not allowed to date all through college. And then the moment you graduate, they're like, why aren't you married? You should be married and having kids. And you're like, how would I, walk me through your logic of how this would work. That is very wild. Why aren't you married you married yet well i wasn't allowed to date so that's why yeah but they're yes and so they were i mean they were so psyched you would love the

story of when i got engaged um like it was very sweet and engagement story and then after he proposed like we go inside and i mean i could tell whole long story, but it's very off topic at this point. But basically after he proposed, we go back inside the house. Wait, how did he propose to you? So he proposed to me during the pandemic, during lockdown. And it was on his birthday, which was really smart because I never would have saw it coming, you know. Like because at that point we've been together for like seven and a half years. And we'd always like talked about getting married. And we just never felt any pressure to do it.

Because I think we both were just like, well, this is obviously a forever thing. So what's the point, you know? Like there just wasn't any pressure. We're like, we'll get to it. Like it's on our checklist, you know? Like it just didn't feel that important because we were like, this is already forever, you know? That's such a dream. I want that.

I know. You love my relationship. I do. He's so nice. He is great. I mean, truly, this is going to make you cry, but truly there is nobody else in my life that is more team me than my husband. I know. It's really wonderful.

So we've been talking about it, you know, like just as this abstract, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like, we'll eventually do it. But, like, neither of us is in a hurry. And then, like, we, and then around, like, you know, 2019, we were on vacation and he was like, maybe we should start talking about what kind of ring you want, you know? Like, do you have any ideas of what kind of ring you would want? And, you know, and I was like, I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. Let me think about it. Because I'm not a diamond girly.

Because I'm very anti the diamond monopoly. Yes, blood diamonds. Yes. And no, I love blood diamonds. No, I'm just kidding. Those are my favorite type of diamond. Yeah, yeah, that's my thing. I actually think they should be bloodier

and that's why I'm anti-diamond. More people should die over these diamonds? So, you know, I was, like, really, like, trying to figure it out. And it took a while, and a really good friend of ours, she kind of took the initiative, because she and her husband are, like, our best couple's friend, and they've been like, get married, you know? So, she and I went to lunch and after lunch she was like why don't we pop over to this you know like um this like vintage jewelry shop you know and it's just

like a couple doors down from where we're having lunch and i was like all right you know it wasn't in the mindset but we went and looked and i saw this gorgeous like emerald uh art deco ring from the 1920s and i tried it on and it was exactly my size and i was like i love this ring and so she took a photo of it and sent it to my husband and was like i found we found the ring and my husband didn't believe her because i found because this was like summer and i i found out that he didn't buy that ring until, like, three or four months later. Thank God it was still there. And then he didn't propose me until, like, another eight months later. So I was like, what the fuck was the holdup?

Yeah, truly. Well, he said that he didn't believe her that that was the ring because he had consulted with her over the years like on gifts to give me like christmas gifts my birthday you know and there were a couple of times where she missed the mark really badly and he was like this is not like a fucking purse that i can like go and return like this is this will ruin this will ruin her engagement and i don't want i want it to be perfect you know i don't want a bad ring to ruin if you're wrong this ruins her engagement you know so and she was like i ain't telling you i was there she loves it that's the one and so they fought for like weeks about it until she finally convinced him that she

was like that she wasn't wrong that i genuinely love this ring so then he went back and bought it but he said he had called he he first called the store and said, like, I'm interested. If anybody else comes in and is interested, call me and I will buy it. Oh, okay. That's smart. Yeah. So he kind of, quote unquote, had it on hold, you know. And that's why he, then he would happily spend weeks arguing about whether or not it was the right way. So then he got it.

And then he told me that the reason he waited so long was he was like, you know i'll propose to her at christmas uh and we went to his parents house but then it didn't feel like the right time like it didn't feel like the right moment so then he was like i know in the spring we'll take a nice trip and in the spring of 2020 we will take it we'll take a wonderful vacation i'll propose to her on vacation and then and then lockdown happened and he was like okay after two weeks of lockdown when the world goes back to normal we'll take a trip and then it was like oh we're probably never gonna take a trip ever again we're in our homes forever yeah so then he thought like okay what's the next major occasion my birthday but it was very smart

because i never of all the days of the year, I would never expect his birthday. So then for his birthday, I was like, what do you want to do? Like, you know, we're in lockdown. It kind of sucks. Like, what do you want? How do you want to spend your birthday? And he was like, you know, I kind of just want a like a quiet dinner, just you and me at home. Like, let's go get takeout from our favorite restaurant, which is Gwen.

And then let's eat on our porch. Yeah. Like we'll have a candlelit dinner on our porch, you know? And so what's funny is the week before his birthday, he started talking about how he wants to get a leash and harness for a cat and harness train him. And I was like,

why? And he was like, you know, so he can hang out on the porch with us. And I was like, for all those he can hang out on the porch with us and I was like for all those times we hang out on the porch with our cat and it was because he wanted him to be there so he bought a

leash and harness and put her so we went and got takeout we set up this like nice candlelit dinner on our porch we leash and harness the cat to the porch and the cat's like why the fuck am I here in a harness leave me alone let me be inside yeah like why am i here and and tied up and we have this lovely dinner we'd already done presents you know and we have this lovely dinner and we're done eating we're kind of just hanging out and then he goes um he goes oh i i actually have a present for you

and i said but it's your birthday. And he said, well, there's no celebrating you without or there's no celebrating me without celebrating you. And then Nicole's going to cry. And then he gives me this wrapped gift and I open it up. And so my husband's an artist. He's an illustrator. And he and it was a framed drawing that he had done of him proposing to me and the cat as the witness. And then I look up from the picture and he's down on one knee with the ring out. And our cat is still there on the harness looking like, why am I here?

I don't think I knew that part. Yeah. Isn't that so sweet? That's so sweet. Yeah. And he gave me this lovely speech about how important I was. Yeah, and he gave me this lovely speech about how important I was and he, you know, and like, and how all the good things in his life were because I was in it. And then he, so then he was like, you know, so will you marry me?

And I just went, okay. And then we went inside and we FaceTimed with his parents and like his mom's burst into tears and is crying and his parents are so happy. And then we call my parents. And my mom, we tell my parents and my mom screams in English. So that's how, you know, she was excited that she's speaking English. She screams in English. Finally, someone finally wants my daughter! She is literally the best part of any party. I just know it.

That is the funniest thing to say. I'm getting married and she screams, Finally! Somebody wants my daughter! What is your dad like? I've never asked about your dad. Oh, he's, because he gets overshadowed by the stress of the family.

He's like Homer Simpson. He doesn't want to be bothered. Like, he wants to just lay on the couch, watch TV. He wants to sit in his recliner and watch Family Feud. Like, that's all he wants. He doesn't want to have to participate.

He doesn't want to be part of the conversation. He doesn't want to give an opinion about something. He wants to, like, chill out and eat. I'm into it. That's a nice a nice life like at every family party like every holiday celebration at some point and my parents love hosting they always have like 12 15 20 people over for like any holiday um at some point towards the end of dinner when everyone's kind of done eating but still like hanging out at the table my dad will just silently get up and leave and disappear and never come back. And you'll be like, where is he?

And he's in bed watching TV. I love that. That was my dad. My dad also was like, I think I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated and I simply don't need to be around these people anymore. But my mom loved being around people. Yeah. Yeah. It's the classic introvert loved being around people. Yeah, yeah. It's the classic introvert-extrovert pairing.

That's, okay. I'm an introvert sometimes, but most of the time, no. I'm an extrovert. But sometimes I need to recharge. I just want someone who's like that. Like an introverted extrovert who's like, I'm down to clown, but also I'll let you clown as much as you want to. And I like it.

You and your husband truly seem like you complement each other so well. And that's so nice. We're a good fit. And I also think that one of the secrets, at least for us, of having a healthy, balanced relationship is that we have separate lives like i feel like a lot of people run into the this issue of like expecting your partner to be everything for you and like that's just i just don't think that's realistic i think that's too much pressure to put on one person like he can't be my everything i'm not gonna be is everything you know like you need other people in your life you know like i don't

want to drag him to i never understood couples where like one partner always drags the other person to events that they don't want to go to like yeah i love that he doesn't want to go to all the social events that i go to because you also don't want to like why would you drag your partner there if they don't want to be there then you have to babysit them all night and then also like they're just having a horrible time like why like i'm perfectly fine going to somewhere and just hanging out with my friends like i don't need him to just physically be there you know and vice versa yeah i don't get people who bring their partners everywhere when we we went to palm springs and ran into a mutual friend of a couple of ours and she was on a girl's trip and she had brought her fucking boyfriend and when i walked past the

table i was like the vibes are weird here and i was like there's a man amongst the ladies and i was like that's unhinged that's like next level I can't be without this person. But it's like, I want to be in a relationship where I can leave you. Yeah. And you can go fucking find a thing to do. Even if it's just like watching TV all weekend free of me. Yeah. And then you can be like, oh, I watch this and this and this. All this stuff you hate.

I'm going to tell you about it. And I'm like, yay. I don't have to watch it, but I'll listen to you talk about it because you like it. That's what I want. Yeah. Because then you'll have stuff to talk to each other about too. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

12 years is a long time. Do you think that's the biggest thing that makes it work? That and you like genuinely like each other? I hate couples who seem to hate each other. And I'm like, it's not funny. Y'all should break up. Like why? What is the point?

Yeah, I think so. I think it's all of those things you know like it still surprises me that like when i go out like like like went out drinking with my friends like when i come home late and he's already asleep i still get bummed out i'm like oh i missed out on his last waking moment you know like okay when i put it that way, it feels very creepy and murderous. And he's passed on and you're getting into bed with a corpse. And there's nothing wrong with that. If that's what you're into.

But that's so, I love that. That is so romantic. Yeah. That you're like, oh man, I missed out on saying goodnight to my favorite person. Or I missed a kiss we could have had. Or he could have told me something that would make me happy. Oh my god, Jessica. And it's nice that it's been 12 years and I still feel that way.

And I live in fear that one day I won't feel that way anymore. Because that would be so scary to me if I stopped feeling that way. Oh god. And it happens to people. It's like you just wake up and you're like, not this. But I feel like when that happens to people, it's not a sudden thing. I think from the jump, there is like a little thing in the back of their mind that that's like, this person isn't right. Do you know what I mean?

Ooh, Mars said something. Mars says, oh, it happens a lot when girls change birth control. That makes sense. Yeah. Fucking hormones, man. thing mars says oh it happens a lot when girls change birth control that hormones yeah fucking hormones man i don't know if you're on birth control but i was on birth control for a year and it fucked me up i got it removed because i had the little arm implant and i feel so much better wait did we talk did we talk about the copper iud i don't't know if we have. I had a copper IUD for nine years and I loved it because there's no hormones. It's great. I love it.

Yeah, because like once I hit my early 30s, like maybe even like 29 or 30, like, you know, like oral birth control, like the pill. Why did I say oral birth control? I could have just said the pill. Because you're fancy. Because I'm a secret doctor. And it just started all because I used to feel I know it's hard to imagine me feeling smug. I used to be so smug about the fact that I would take the pill and like, I never had any of the side effects at all. Like all my female friends would complain about,

you know, like, um, like, uh, weight gain and moodiness and bloating and all, and mood swings and all that. I never had any of those.

So I was like, sorry, built different, genetically superior. And then, and then when I was like 29, 30, I,

cause there was a short time where I was off birth control and then I got back on it. And then I was like, wait, like something's wrong. Like this is hitting me differently. Like is it the brand, you know, like, cause I think I was on generic and I was like, put me back on the name brand. And it wasn't, and it wasn't that. And I was like, why? Like then all the, I was getting all the bad symptoms and I was like what's happening did they change the formula and my doctor was like no you're older now and the hormones affect you differently oh yeah how wild yeah and I was like well I don't like that I don't want hormones and so then we talked about an IUD and then he was like yeah you could get the copper IUD there's no hormones it's just the copper works and so i got that and it was wonderful so they just put copper in you and then what it like dings around and it kills it kills the sperm like a like a pinball machine it just shoots around 24 7 hunting down sperm maybe i'll get that i don't know i'm getting old enough that I'm like, I don't think I'm going to get pregnant. Let's get real.

If it hasn't happened, I don't think it's happening. Copper makes your womb inhospitable for, I think, for just a fertilized egg to be able to stick around. Whoa. I wonder how they figured that out. Who knows? So it's the same because there are iuds with hormones yeah so um it's the exact same thing except it's just made of copper it has no hormones in it and then it goes up in you and it just stays there and it's just

it basically is there to like kill the vibe for any anyone who's trying to have a baby and that's so funny sperm is like hey i think I want to talk to this egg. And it's like, no, bitch. No, you don't. Everybody out. It's like a bouncer. It's like, everybody out. This is private fucking property.

It's like a 24. It's like ADT, private security for your womb. It's like, everybody out. No one's allowed to stay here. You guys have no, this is trespassing. We're missing an opportunity for have like, to have like adult schoolhouse rock. I would really enjoy seeing that animated with a song.

That would be great. Okay, we'll go pitch that right after this. That truly would be a dream. Jessica, thank you so much for being here. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Nope. And do not find me on social media. I'm not there.

All I want to promote is my beautiful friendship with you, Nicole. This is so funny. I think you're the only person to be like, no, I simply don't want to promote a thing. I don't want to. How about this? Watch She-Hulk on Disney Plus to get you some resigies. Oh, you're right. You're right. Sorry. I rescinded that. You created it? Yes. Which is so fucking cool. Watch Sea Sheolk, Attorney at Law, exclusively available

on Disney+. It's a great show. A lot of wonderful people worked on it. And we're very happy and proud of it. But still don't find me on social media.

It's so funny that that wasn't the thing that you were like, I should promote that. Like, it's impressive to get a thing made, especially with Marvel property. And it's cool that they chose you. And it's so awesome.

And you're like, you're just like, whatever, nothing. Jessica, I think you're so funny and smart and talented. And I'm glad you're my friend. And I'm glad you did this episode of the podcast

because I find you to be delightful oh likewise yay well that's it for this episode you didn't ask me the question oh yeah I fucking forgot this is so funny I forget I would say 60% of the time and Mars sometimes has to tell me or we just all forget okay jessica would you date me of course i would but how funny would it be how mean would it be if i reminded you you didn't ask me and then i just went no it would be on i wouldn't be surprised i would be like oh jessica and then i would bring it up later and i'd like, are you sure you don't want to date me? Although I do want to go back to those outlets in Palm Springs. I had a very nice time with you. Walking through the Gucci store being like,

no, no, no, we don't like any of this. No, no. Okay. That's it for this episode of why I want to date me.

If you like it, you can rate it. You can subscribe. You can give me five stars on the apple podcast if you write me a nasty message hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com i will read it um and also don't send mars dick pics you don't want them okay this person said i'm a galloping on a black stallion in a lush field. My ass is bouncing up and down. My large double D breast spilling out of my leather corset juggles with every gallop.

I see a large tree in the distance. It's green lush branches laden with pink budding blossoms, which fall dusting everything below it and pink petals, including the fairest maiden of them all. It's you. Okay. That wasn't nasty, nasty. That was more of like a Daniel Steele,

like romance email, but I like it. Okay. Bye. Bye. Why won't you date me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Bye-bye! Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye.

This has been a Team Coco production.