Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Getting Drunk at the Movies (w/ Brooks Wheelan)

Episode Date: February 16, 2018

Brooks Wheelan (SNL) is on the show to discuss the ultra-exclusive Raya app, how he once got scabies from a girl he met in a liquor store parking lot, and the time he embarrassed himself in front of George Clooney.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyAnd finally, check out Loosely Exactly Nicole on Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/looselyexactlynicole/

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy, welcome to Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where I try to figure out why I'm still single, how I'm still single, even though I love giving a good blowjob and I'm good at it. Today's guest, I haven't dated him, but he's very funny.

You can see him do stand-up all over this fucking country. His name is Brooks Wheeler. Yeah. Broke my back. Boom, boom, boom. Beer, beer, beer. Oh, Brooks. Maybe you're single because of your iPhone cover. What is that?

That doesn't scream. You can't see it, but my iPhone cover is a blue unicorn. It makes it so cumbersome, it's insane. I never lose my phone. Neither do I. It looks hard to talk on that. It's not hard to talk on. It is hard to put it in my pocket.

Yeah, that's not a pocket. You can't put that in a pocket. It's not a pocket phone case. My best friend got it for me because I like dumb things. It's fun. It's a giant unicorn. It makes the phone three times the size of a normal iPhone. It's very big.

Yeah, it's got a very long horn. Yeah, a very long horn. It just does not look like it should fit anywhere. It truly doesn't fit anywhere. But it's cute. It is. It's so cute, and that's all I want to be. I just want to be a cute lady.

Oh, well, you're knocking it out of the park with that blue unicorn with pink hair brooks thank you so much you're welcome so you are in a relationship i'm in a healthy relationship right that's nice it's great yes and you guys met in real life yes uh well no yes and no oh i knew grace um i don't know if she's comfortable. I'm sure she's fine with this story. And we could just say. No, but either way, I knew her in real life and then saw her on that Raya thing. So it was like, what are you doing on this? And then we started dating. So that's how that worked.

It was like, we already knew each other. So you knew each other, saw each other on a dating app. If you don't know, Raya is a dating app for people of notoriety in the entertainment field. I got put on it because Eric Andre, I was engaged and then that fell apart. I was very sad. And Eric Andre was like, get on Riot. And I was like, what is that? He's like, it's great.

And then I did that. And then it's a fucking disaster in real life. But then because it's all shallow people. And then I met my current girlfriend on it. But because we knew each other and just were like. So it was just like easy peasy. It was like, I didn't know you were single. Cool.

Let's go on a date. See, that's like that's the bright side of dating apps, where you run into someone that you know, that you think is attractive, and you're into, and you're like, oh, I didn't know you were single, but now I know because you're in a place for single people. Exactly. That's nice.

Raya won't let me on. Those sons of bitches. Ooh, baby, I've been on a wait list for about a year and a half. You're missing nothing. It's a bunch of, because I looked at hers. I mean, for guys, it's terrible. It's just all Instagram models. Just Instagram models.

And then for girls, it's terrible because it's all like guys in hats who take photos of Instagram models. A lot of guys who take girls into the desert and shoot photos of them naked. And they are like, this is art. This is art. I'm a serious photographer. Yeah. I dress like a cowboy.

I'm from New York. But you were on there and you're a nice boy. No, exactly. I'm, there's a lot of comedians are on it. Like everybody from SNL was on it. And it's a lot of like running into your friends and being like, this is so fun. Yeah. And it's a lot of like running into your friends and being like, this is so fun.

Yeah. I love seeing a friend on a dating app and swiping right just to see what they are going to do back to me. Oh, I'm always, if I see a friend, you're getting that, you're getting the like. Yes. So you were on Raya. Were you on Tinder and Bumble and Hinge? No, I was dating a girl before all that happened. For a while we got engaged and then that ended um did you meet her in real life yeah i met her at a party it was very romantic she was just

a very beautiful girl and i just picked up a leaf uh and i was like you dropped this leaf oh my god yeah she's like okay and um then she just kind of like was like whatever and then like later uh i saw like i saw her again i was like where's the leaf and then she's like dude i'm not keeping a fucking leaf and then um i asked her out or whatever and then we ended up it was it was good and we had gotten engaged like years later and then that went real south and i was very sad sure that is a true great pickup line. Well, I mean, it was just outside. Where's your leaf?

Yeah. I was, I have always had too much confidence probably. Well, it's a confidence thing, but then it's also like, you're funny and it's an adorable thing to be like, you dropped a leaf. Cause it's like, there's no way I carry leaves around. That's wild. It was just like, how do I talk to this person? Yeah.

Like when I used to ask girls out randomly, it was always, you just can't be a creep about it. You just have to be very pleasant and also standoffish so it's not aggressive. Because the girl I dated before her, I met in a liquor store and I was like, you got dope pants. We should go on a date. And then we ended up going to Hawaii like a week later. That's. That was great. Great.

Yeah. So those, but both of those relationships ended very sadly. Well, here's why. They started so cutely. Exactly. Very, very cute. If someone was like, you dropped a leaf, my pussy would be immediately wet and I'd be like, we have to fuck.

Sure, sure. That's adorable. Yeah, yeah. Let me slowly drain this man's life. So you were dating someone when you moved to New York for a job. Did she move to New York with you or did you do long distance? Yeah, we had been dating for about three weeks before I moved to New York. Oh, shit.

That was the leaf girl. And then we moved to New York together. Together, okay. Well, I was there like two months before I moved to New York. Oh, shit. That was the Leaf girl. And then we moved to New York together. Well, I was there like two months before I convinced her to come. And that was the worst decision of my life. To bring someone with you. Yeah. Yeah, okay, fair. This is what I've learned. I've talked to girls into moving different places and then the

resentment builds up because I'm busy and they didn't want to leave their friends and their lives. And it ends in just a disaster. Okay. So now I know. If I meet someone online who lives in Kentucky, he's got to stay in Kentucky.

Exactly. You go to them. Yes. I moved to Kentucky. I leave everything behind. A hundred percent. Okay. I want you to look at my Tinder profile and tell me if you think it's good.

You do Tinder, not Bumble? Everybody I know does Bumble. Well, I don't have a good time on Bumble. Okay, let's see. On Bumble, I'll meet with or I'll match dudes and I'll message them and then they won't message me back. And I'm like, why? What was the point? Okay, well, first of all, funny picture, cute picture.

Also, I didn't know you were 28. I didn't know. I'm not. I don't know how to change it on, like, Facebook won't let me change it again. The reason why it says I'm 28 is because the internet didn't know how old I was. Sure. And I didn't want to go into an audition and have someone be like, oh, she's too old. She's 30.

Yeah, yeah. So I changed it, and now I can't change it back. So I just, I tell people almost immediately. Yeah, no, people almost immediately. Yeah, no, that's great. It's great. It's, has some, has people described this before? Yes, but please describe it.

You're wearing a monster shirt holding what to me looks like a very average sized penis. It's great. That's fun. Flirty opening. Ah, yeah. You got your bio. i got a fat ass so if you're not into that bye bye i like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh it's so long yeah dtf down to figure skate or fuck or farm or fly a kite, whichever is easier. Okay. I like all that. My Raya profile was just since the app is so intense, I go, all it said about me was

this app is chill. That's funny. I'm kind of a less is more. Yes. That makes sense. Because Raya, I've seen it on other people's phones. People try so hard. But it's a slideshow that you pick the song. It's so.

And a song plays. People curate it. It's so terrible. Oh, it's wild. Yeah. Okay. So then it's you and a Christmas tree. How fun is that?

Look at this person. She likes to have fun. Oh, it's a selfie, which I like. It's just like, look at me. This is, where are you at in this selfie? That looks like a dressing room? Yeah, it's a dressing room, so you know I work. Sure, but I don't know.

I work in dressing rooms, and I'm not even sure this is a dressing room. It's the nicest trailer I've ever been in. Yeah, that's what it looks like in the apartment. It was so nice. It was stunning. Where were you working when you did this? That was the MTV Movie Awards. No one has ever gotten me a room that nice again.

Yeah. You know what the best craft services I've ever had was Adam Devine's House Party. Really? Yeah, and it worked on like good shows. Uh-huh. And that was the first thing I ever did. And they had a Mountain Dew slushing machine.

Oh my fucking God, really? Yeah. It's because the production budget, we shot it in Chatsworth. Uh-huh. I did the first season. Oh. So they shot it in LA.worth. I did the first season. Oh. So they shot it in LA.

They didn't use any budget. Yeah, because everyone just drove up there. There was no hotel. I did it and I took a fucking lunch break from my real job to go shoot it. That's wild. Yeah. And then I went back. But then the next season, they went to fucking New Orleans.

New Orleans, yeah. And then Hawaii. I was like, what the hell? Yeah, I was like, I went to Chatsworth. yeah and then hawaii i was like what the hell yeah i was like that kind of sucks yeah but either way uh so i like that photo you're working oh here's one showing off dead ass oh yeah baby you gotta see what you're about to buy yeah yeah and you're climbing a bookshelf so you know i'm educated or you're bad at moving in this one you have no books on that bookshelf i have no idea how to move a bookshelf. You take the books out first. You break it.

Okay. Oh, this one is fun. You are in a heart, but it looks like you're keeping the heart from collapsing on you. That's good. That chair doesn't look comfortable at all. It was not. Where is this at? That was in Australia at Madame Tussauds Wax Fucking Center.

In Sydney? In Sydney, Australia. I was just in Australia at Madame Tussauds Wax fucking Center. In Sydney? In Sydney, Australia. I was just in Australia with my lady. Did you like it and where did you go? We were in Melbourne. Okay. Ooh, you said that with a real good accent. Well, they fucking lose it if you say Melbourne. Melbourne. You can't pronounce the R.

They get furious. So it's Melbourne. And then I went, then we went up to these national parks called Noosa Heads. It was really cool. Oh, that's nice. It was like, I don't know. It was really nice. It was cool.

It's nice, but also can't you just go to Santa Monica and get the same view? That's what I said and someone yelled at me there. A little bit, but I love traveling and photography. Sure. So I was renting a car and going all over the place. That's nice. Yeah. Also, you guys, you got to look at Brooks' Instagram because he's got great pictures of these fabulous vacations he goes on.

Well, they're not. Oh, are you working? It's how I stay out of trouble when I tour. There you go. So it's not like a vacation. I'm doing stand-up and daring the day. I don't like hotel rooms. They make me sad.

I'll find the nearest national park and bail to it. That's honestly a great piece of advice. Cause when I'm on the road, I get so like, I get so sad, lonely, so lonely, so sad.

And there's days that I don't talk to anybody before I get on stage. And I'm like, this is wherever this is it. This is where this is. I leave as soon as I can. I go to whatever I can see. Because I like photography. And then it makes me happy.

And then the happiness translates into the later that night's performance. Smart. Maybe I'd have better performances if I just went out. Yeah, do what you like to do. If I'm with someone. If I have a feature who, if you don't know, a feature is someone who does 20 minutes before you do your hour. When I have a feature that I know, I'll be like, let's go out and do something.

It's so fun traveling with a friend. Yeah, that's the best. Do you know Mateo Lane? I love him. I have him open for me, feature for me. And it's the fucking best because we'll be in like the middle of Cincinnati and be like, I don't know, let's figure out something fun to do. Oh, it's so fun. Yeah, I have a friend for each part of the country, really.

Carl Hess is what I'm doing. He's a nice man. Because I always, I hope you don't make Mateo pay for his flights when he does it. I have him pay for his flights, and then I double what the club gives him. Okay, that's good. Because I always feel bad making people pay for the flights. So I have people where I meet them around the country. So West Coast is Carl Hess.

Super fun guy. Loves outdoors. Midwest is this guy, Matty Ryan. He lives in Chicago. We started together. I think I know him. He's great.

He's redhead. He's super funny. Yeah, I met him once or twice. He's super fun. And then on the East Coast, it kind of switches, but I really like Shane Torres a lot.

Oh, okay. Yeah, he's great. But he's like a headliner now. He's awesome. That's nice. That's nice to have people in different parts of the country. Yeah, because I- See, that's nice. I can't be alone, man. That, okay. Yeah. He's great, but he's like headliner now. He's awesome. That's nice. That's nice to have people on different parts of the country. Cause I see, that's nice.

I can't be alone, man. That's all it is. But also I won't make Mateo fly anywhere. If it's more than like a $300, I'm like, it's like you're coming out of pocket too much. Like exactly.

Exactly. Yeah. Um, cause I'm, yeah. And I'm not making enough to, to cover a lot, you know?

Yeah. That's why I like, I'll, if I'm making good money, clubs are, it's hard to make good money in a club. It is so tough and it's the most work. It's the most work because then you have to promote it or whatever and they give you the base and then you get a percentage of the door after you sell out. And then a lot of those people aren't necessarily your fans. They just go to comedy clubs.

Yes. That's why I like doing small music venues and small tours like that. Go to comedy clubs. Yes. That's why I like doing small music venues and small tours like that. I think I might start doing that because it's more control, I think, and then you have people who actually like you. The shows are so much better, but it is so much more of a gamble monetarily. Yes.

And you're driving and you're tour managing. So it's like, because I did like a 56 city tour. Holy shit. Yeah. And that's where my engagement imploded. Yeah. I could imagine. That's wild. It was not, I would say not my fault.

No. I tried very hard to stay in contact, but it was a way out for this person. Sure. Yeah. But it, it sucked. Like, so, but it was, the shows were great. Also, but I went to some weird places I tried to go to like

Where I felt like They didn't get a lot of comedy Like we do Like I'm like You guys probably don't get like You know quote unquote New com Like

Where did you Where's the weirdest place you went? Like we went to like Mobile, Alabama Sure Hattiesburg, Mississippi Sure New Orleans

How did those shows go? They were They were small But fucking awesome. Yeah. So that was great. Actually, Hattiesburg was pretty good. Like New Orleans, we went to Memphis, Nashville.

It was called the Central America Tour. That's nice. Yeah. That was a bunch. And then I did the Ocean's Rule Tour, which is I did the coast. The Ocean's Rule tour, which is I did the coast. The Ocean's Rule. Yeah, it turns out bigger cities put actually better shows. Who could guess?

Yeah, man. There's more people here. There's more people who speak your language, who are down for it. Who could have known I'd do better in San Francisco than Mobile? I went to Memphis and bombed the hardest I've ever bombed. Where did you perform in Memphis? Not a venue. It was a school. It did you perform in Memphis? Not a venue. It was a school.

It was the University of Memphis. Oh, okay. They were not there for comedy. I don't know what the fuck they showed up for. But like 15 minutes in, I was like, you guys got to either like get on board or like, I don't know, we got to work something out. Yeah. And I was like, what do you want?

Crowd work. Then I brought a kid up on stage. They fucking loved that. And I was like, are we good? Can I go back to material? And they were like, yes. And then they were truly like, no. And I was 45 minutes in.

I was like, guys, I still have so much longer to be up here. It's already going so poorly. Yeah. Memphis is where my ex fiance broke it off for good. She was like, we can't talk anymore.

And then I was so sad, but I had, I don't remember the show, but I do remember I made out with a Memphis Grizzlies cheerleader that night. There we go. And I was like, this ain't all bad. But in the morning, I was like, it's still bad. It's really bad.

Yeah. Do you stay single for very long? Or are you a serial monogamist? I stayed single usually about a year after a true disaster. Okay. It was two years after that one before I started dating my current girlfriend. So two years. But me and ex-fiance dated again in the middle after she was done with her other dude.

And then I was stupid and was like, that's okay. Forget about that. Come on down. Yeah, exactly. The price is right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she's like, gonna do it again. I go, oh, no.

Oh, no. I should have known. All the work I did. History's repeating itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, back to your Tinder profile. Oh, yes, my Tinder profile. Oh, now you got one with a dog.

That's my dog. She likes. That's your dog? Yeah, his name's Clyde. He's a little stinker. Yeah, he's cute as heck. And you said he bites, but he doesn't look like he's going to hurt when he bites. No, he doesn't hurt you.

Oh, that's good. He likes to bite the back of your ankle to be like, can we move a little faster? These are great. Oh, so you're a fan. I'm finished. Yeah, I'm- I'm finished. This is a swipe right, right?

I've never- It's swipe right and left, right? Like, what's- Swipe right is good. Right is good. Left is bad. Yeah. On Raya, it's swipe right and left right like what's swipe right is good right is good left is bad yeah on raya it's a heart oh or an x that's yeah i love you i want to kill you exactly that's raya i just i just want to get in there it's almost like you're not missing anything that's what people say but that's like going to Montreal. I still haven't been to Montreal just for laughs.

You've never been? And I want to go. No, you are missing something, Montreal. I love Montreal. Every year I don't go, I'm like, da fuck? They won't let me go. They're like, no, and they won't let me on Raya. Those are the two things in my life that I want that people are actively keeping me from.

That's baloney. Well, I'm sure you'd be glad to know one of the guys who works higher up in Montreal, not any of the people that we would deal with, he went down for sexual harassment. Oh, dang. Yeah. So there you go. You can go home happy. That's wild.

Everyone's going down. Matt Lauer, he just went down. Matt Lauer went down. I read that he had a- He had a button- He had a button to lock the door. That he could lock his door at his fucking desk. Ooh.

Which is like someone at NBC said, seems reasonable. Sure. You don't need to get up to lock a door. Oh my gosh. You know what? Let's say yes. And you could spend a shit ton of money doing that. He had a Mr. Burns button.

That's crazy. But I think it's a good profile. Thank you. That's a swipe right. Why do you think? Okay, here's a good profile. Thank you. That's a swipe right. Why do you think – okay, here's a question. Okay. Have you ever spoken to someone for days on end, like, I don't know, a week, and then when that person asked you out, just deleted them?

No, I'm very forward. Okay. Like, I'm like, let's – like, if I – I'm like, let's go on a date. Like, it's literally just very forward. You're cute. Let's go on a date. Okay. We're very similar in that I don't see a point

In prolonging Talking to someone If I'm feeling something Yeah Yeah So I've I've not done that I've like

Seen people For a few weeks And then been like They Do you tell them Or do you ghost them? No I always tell them See i'll make some up nice it's always my fault you know it's always never their fault sure why not why not just tell someone

it's their fault though um because i'm a coward i'll tell people uh i went on a date with a man who was not he didn't look like his pictures and he was like very boring. And I told him, he was like, do you want to like go out again? I was like, actually, no, I don't. Sorry, this isn't working for me. You're not what I thought you were. And he was like, wow. And I was like, I don't know.

Wow. That's it. That's why. Yeah. Okay, Brooks, we're going to get right back into this, but we got to take a little break. Commercial break. we gotta take a little break commercial break and we're back what a dream oh my gosh i'm buying those products oh me too i love all products

so we were talking about i love squarespace or whatever it was. I was just saying Squarespace is on every podcast. And Blue Apron, truly, Blue Apron is too much work. Blue Apron is so much work. But I will say when I was in my New York relationship, I think it prolonged our relationship because it gave us an activity to do. And in New York in the winter. You're inside. You're inside and you are just on top of each other.

Yeah. So we would make dinners and it was nice. See that's nice. I used to, well I've never had a live-in boyfriend but I live with a gay man. We would make dinner together and it would be nice. It's so fun. And it's what I imagine a relationship to be like. Making dinners together is so fun.

I had a place in Silver Lake where I had a backyard and a grill and like a picnic table and we would just grill and I had a garden and we'd bake the vegetables. That's nice. It was the dream. I have a lime and lemon tree at my place and that's just nice. I don't grill it, but like it's fresh. Limes and lemons are just so nice. It's so fun.

It's nice to go in my backyard and be like, I have food here. Yeah. If the apocalypse happens, I'm going to get citrusy. Yeah. I'm not doing well, but I don't have scurvy. I got no scurvy. Yeah. And then there's snap peas.

It's great. I fucking love it. Speaking of what pirates get, a girl that I was dating gave me scabies one time. That's disgusting. That was the girl I met in the liquor store parking lot. Who could guess? I mean, truly, if this is true, what else is true? Yeah, I got a bunch of, they're itchy skin mites.

Ew, scabies, they're skin mites? Skin mites. Can you see them crawling on your skin? No, but you have bumps from where they're burrowing. Oh, gross. Yeah, it's on the inside of the webs of your hand. Oh my God. And then on your thigh.

Yeah. It was brutal. And how do you get rid of those? You have to do a full body, like a cream all over your body and then just fucking get rid of everything in your apartment. But it takes six weeks for him to show up, and she'd already she ghosted me. Oh, no.

Yeah. She was already gone before I realized I had it, and I was like, no. That's the worst ghosting. She literally is haunting you like a fucking ghost. She showed up out of nowhere. It was like the worst breakup, but I admire her. I liked this version of the breakup, what she did, much more than how Fiance and I split. I respect this one.

She showed up at like six in the morning. She'd been like clubbing her. She was on Molly or something. And she just goes, we have different spirits. And I was like, I'll change mine. Oh, no. No. And then she left and I never saw her again.

And I like, I totally, I respect that. I kind of like it. But also I hate that she literally dumped bugs into your skin. Yeah, she did. She did do that. That is the grossest thing. I never think about that. Like if you get into a relationship with somebody, they can leave your life and leave you with things.

Scabies or herpes or gonorrhea sure or you know yeah no it was it was a bummer i was like i'm so itchy and i missed that girl oh no yeah so you're just like fucking scratching yourself looking out a window being like will she ever come back a hundred percent yeah i remember yeah like i was like i she liked snakes and i hate snakes and i was like i'll go to pet store, I'll hold a snake and I'll show her that I'm not afraid of snakes. Yeah, it was so pathetic. That's very sweet though. Oh, yeah.

She was a real, here was a red flag. She was 26. We were both 26 and she'd already been proposed to three times. Oh, wow. She was just like this. Was she beautiful? times. Oh, wow. Was she beautiful?

She was just like a pixie girl who would just bop around and came from tremendous wealth. So had no, never had any problems or anything. So she was just always fun. And we went to her family's house on Maui and broke in.

Oh my God. And I was just an idiot from Iowa and I was like, this is amazing. Yeah. And I was like just an idiot from Iowa and I was like, this is amazing. No, any idiot from anywhere would be like, this is amazing. If I could live for a week as someone, I would choose a pixie-like woman who comes from like a stupid amount of money

and just blow it and just like live for a fucking week. So much money. I would fucking break people's hearts and I would get on my private jet and go places. So she had so much money yeah i think she got and break people's hearts and i would get on my private jet and go places so she had so much but she lived like in like a commune she was like what yeah like she was just a weirdo like super so many super crusty red flag super crusty yeah had a shaved head because she just had dreadlocks oh god yeah yeah this you it sounds

like you found a homeless woman who lied to you about the money she had yeah no you would yes you would think um but i was into it fair yeah she was that she's cool was her pussy dirty that's a rude question no i mean it might have been might have been. I don't know. She had scabies, but it was good. I don't know. She was cool. Might have been. She had bugs, but you know. I had just gotten out of a seven-year relationship.

Seven years is a very long time. So the next person you meet is very exciting. Sure, that makes sense. Because I dated this other girl from when I was 18 to 25. That's crazy. That is your youth. Right. So next girl I meet, I'm like, I don't care if you're crazy. You seem cool.

Here's a question. So after seven years, you get out of a relationship. Did you question who you were as just a person alone? No. It was one of those things where we become like roommates and friends. We went to high school together. And so I knew what I was doing. I was pursuing comedy so hard.

And I think she was questioning who she was. And that's why we split. And it was like one of those splits that I was sad, but it was very necessary. Okay. So you date an actor, a comedian now. Do you ever feel in competition at all or no? Oh. Because you guys are very, very different in the same world.

Well, we helped each other both audition recently for the same pilot, different parts. And then she tested for it and I did it. And that was the only time I was like, wait a second. I feel like I worked harder on that so you just have more genuine talent than me yeah oh that's a tough yeah that's an interesting that's an interesting thing to have to audition for the same thing but different parts yeah like we were like same role i mean not same role but like our characters were interacting and stuff. But other than that, no, there's no competition. She won.

She's much more successful than I am. So there's no competition. She just won. She won. And she works much harder than me, too. You came into it with a different level of... Yeah, I'm a stand-up, and she is like a self. She's got her own little yes empire that she

created yeah it's her career is great it's very inspiring it's when i see how hard she works what the fuck because it is a lot of work she does a lot of youtube content so you have to like fucking put up a video every fucking week comment yeah no she has five a week. That's crazy. Five well-edited videos that are funny and unique a week right now. That is insane. That is so much. So much work. That's like doing, wait, five a week? And how long are they?

Like five minutes a piece? Five to seven minutes. Yeah. She's putting out like a new half hour every week. It's fucking nuts. That's insane. Yeah. Yeah.

It's very crazy. I don't work nearly as hard as that. That's insane. Yeah, yeah. It's very crazy. Yeah, I don't work nearly as hard as that. That's crazy. Yeah. But also, we're working on a TV show together right now. Ooh, that's exciting. So that's fun. That is fun.

Yeah. So you do stand-up. You do a ton of stand-up. We're on the same shows all the time. Yes. Have you ever had chuckle fuckers? You do. You must.

You're very good looking and you're funny. I've never, I've never slept with anyone on the road. Really? Because I'm usually in these relationships. Oh, okay. And I have a problem where if somebody thinks I'm cool, you know what, that's not true. I've slept with people on the road, but never, they're people who work at the club. Oh, okay. Or are in that work at the club. Oh, okay.

Or are in that city that I know. Never somebody who I've never met. Okay. Because if somebody likes me and they're just a fan, I'm like, I don't even like me. You're crazy. What about you? Do you ever get it on on the road? Nope, because there are no male chuckle fuckers oh yeah i never

thought about that there's never i've never been on the road and encountered a dude who was like oh you're so funny i just want to like be near you sure i've had like at a south by southwest i had a dude who worked in a bar who knew who i was it wasn't from a show he just knew who i was he was just like oh let me get you a drink. And I was like, oh, okay. And then as I was leaving, he's like, man, I wish you were staying longer. And I was like, oh, a little creepy, man. I get what you're trying to do.

And he was like the only one. I've only had like maybe two other people. Yeah. Festivals are different because it's a lot of people that you know, kind of. Yeah. And so, yeah, they're not like fans. They're just people. No, no, no.

It's just like people who are in the same world who like maybe are on a different level or like, yeah. It was like the funnier die party. So like it was just like- A hundred percent. Yeah. And the whole time I was on SNL, I was in a super committed relationship.

So those parties were just like, I'm sure that happens there, but not. But then again, maybe not because I feel like everyone who's at that party is- You think? There's an after after party that gets loose. I feel like everyone who's at that party is – You think? There's an after-after party that gets loose. I've never gone to the after-after party. That's the fun one.

My friend who worked there would never, ever want to go. Well, I get it. I shared an office with her, with Sashir. I understand getting over that. I was over it towards – and i was i think well so she was a little over the show uh i don't know if i maybe that's not okay to say but i wasn't i was like jamming having fun yeah i mean it's a it's a very interesting place to work at i would assume it's insane yeah and you have it's like very nobody's mean but you have your set of friends

that you hang out with. I would say it seems clicky from being an outsider looking in. It's super incredibly clicky. And I loved the four or five guys I hung out with. And they're still my very close friends that they all made that show Detroiters. And then, and then Jost and Che where the other guys that were always hanging out are on update so like very funny dudes

yeah all funny guys so but like we all love drinking yeah that's I think you kind of bind you bond with whoever like we I bond with the guys who like to stay up drinking so yeah see for me I think that would be a fun part of the job because it's everything's at night. Yeah.

I'm like a little vampire. I don't need to live during the day. Sure. And it's like, Oh, we get to stay up and drink till 6am sleep and then try to be funny at night. That's for me. Yeah.

But you get to stay up, drink till 6am and then wake up at 10 and go, I got no idea. What's comedy? I don't even know. I have burned through every idea I've ever had. I do miss New York. Do you miss New York?

Did you like being there? You know, I miss sitting on my, I had a fire escape that I would sit on and drink wine and read books. And that felt so wonderful. I was just like, watch crime and read books. I lived in a six-floor walk-up and there was a fire escape out of my window when i lived in new york and we would sit out there smoke cigarettes drink wine it was just like perfect yeah new york in the spring in the fall is perfect oh my g it's just it's like a fucking wet dream but then in the winter i was like get

me the fuck out of here. The winter's brutal. There's no sun ever. It's fucking freezing. You have to go live your life in the snow. I remember the first time it rained here. I was like, do people work in the rain in LA? Do we leave our homes? Turns out you do.

But you are in traffic. Yeah, you're just sitting in traffic. It's wild. How long have you been in LA? I moved here in 2009. And then I got SNL in 2013, so then I moved to New York. And then I left New York in early 2015 and moved back here. And I've been here, so I guess I've lived here like six years on and off. That's nice.

I love it. I like camping so much, so I like, I like California. I don't necessarily love Los Angeles. Sure. Um, and I don't, I wouldn't, I didn't,

I was never single in New York, but I imagine it's easier to hook up with people. It is so much easier. Yeah. Cause everybody's out. Cause you go to a bar, everyone's getting drunk. And everyone lives within that area.

Yes. And then everyone's like happy to make a friend. I feel like here people are like, I don't really want to be your friend unless you know somebody who can help me out. Yeah. I would imagine it's much harder out here. I imagine New York would be almost too easy.

It's so easy. You can get fucked any night of the week in New York. Here, people are like, I gotta go. I have to do yoga in the morning. Sure. Everyone's very healthy. This is not a drinking town. Oh, yeah.

No, you're telling me. It's a bummer. Yeah. When I moved to New York, I'm like, I'm fitting in. When I move out here, they're like, I have someone you should talk to. Yes. Yeah. And you're like, I'm just honestly having the time of my life. Oh, man.

You're making me want to open a beer now. And I'm hungover because last night was my friend Carl Hess's birthday. And I was just like, well, it's Carl's birthday. But that's how you get over a hangover. You know hangover is just alcohol withdrawal. Yeah, but I have to. And dehydration is a combo. When I'm hungover, I don't get

work done. So I can't be hungover on a Wednesday. And then roll it into like, well, now it's the weekend. Well, now it's Thursday. We can start it. Let's drink. Yeah, and I've got some shit Friday that I have to be focused for. Fair. I

went on a date with a dude and I brought a bottle of wine in my purse and like two little cuppies and I was like, let's have like a romantic viewing of this movie. And he truly was like, what are you doing? What? And I was like let's have like a romantic viewing of this movie and he truly was like what are you doing what and I was like get out get out we could just drink this he's like

no you like what you can't just like sit and watch a movie and I was like oh it's not a matter of like sitting through I can sit through a movie I am upset with this man I just want to like it was a cute fun sneaky thing I did I would have been so happy right this is amazing I found my soulmate right that's what I thought. I would have been so happy. Right? This is amazing. I found my soulmate. Right?

That's what I thought. Yeah, I took wine and cups into three billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri or whatever at the Vista last Saturday night and me and Grace drank those and had the fucking time of our lives. It's great. Then we went to Good Luck

Bar afterwards to discuss the movie. I don't like Good Luck Bar. Yeah, but it's just- Their drinks are a little watered down. I just drink beer. And also there's only one bartender and it's a fucking circle. Yes, and he is always busy. But it's just nice.

Like right after that movie, I live like right next to the Vista. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's a good area. Yeah, we just walk over, bop around. That's nice. It's nice. That's very nice. I like it. Bop it, b's a good area. Yeah, we just walk over, bop around. It's nice. That's very nice. I like it.

Bop in, bop out your nose. Yeah, 100%. Wait, what movie did you say? It's called Three Billboards Outside Abing, Missouri or something. Oh. It's new. It's got like, I think- Frances McDormand.

Frances McDormand. Yeah. She's- She's great in it. Woody Harrelson's great in it. What is it? Her daughter's dead and she puts up billboards and say, you're not doing a good job. She's like, they're not trying.

Yeah. Honestly. It's good. It's fun. Yeah, it billboards to say, you're not doing a good job. She's like, they're not trying. Yeah. Honestly. It's good. Yeah. It was a fun movie. But I really enjoyed drinking at movies. I love drinking at movies. When the arc light was like, we have wine now.

I was like, boom. Oh my gosh. Game changer. I have. Talk about a fuck up story. Oh, tell me. I read this book I really like called The Lost City of Z. Okay.

And then a movie came out. Brad Pitt stars in it? No, Brad Pitt produced it. Oh, okay. And I get invited sometimes to premieres and I never go. But I was like, I love this movie. I'm going to go. I was single.

I took my friend, Kale, who – oh, no, not Kale. Who did I take? Either way. It doesn't matter. Clay. My buddy Clay and I went, and that's the time we found out that you could take beer into the movie. And it's a fucking premiere. And we got so drunk beforehand.

And then we sit down, and this actress sits right next to me who's really cute and is very famous and she brought her friend and I was like, I had candy I snuck in. I was like, would you guys like some Sour Patch Kids? And she like laughs and I'm like, oh my God, this is perfect. And then stupid Iowa drunk Brooks is like, I left the movie no less than three times

to get more beer during the premiere. Like Brad Pitt is behind me and I'm like like i'm just drunk bopping around like and like i'd read the book and everybody in the movie's so handsome that i'm like nobody looked like this in 1920 and so like i pull them up on my phone i show the actress next to me i'm like check it out look at these freaking this is ridiculous she's like getting as far away from me in her seat as possible it was I fucked

I fumbled so hard very very funny but you start you're very good at starting off a conversation adorable

sure but I fucked it up immediately she was like do you have some Sour Patch Kids Austin look at these fucking people in the 1920s

I go was everyone in the 1920s fucking models yeah and she was I was this girl it was a woman who's been in a bunch of movies that I have such And she was, I was, I was this girl. It was a woman who's been in a bunch of movies that I have such a crush on. And I was like,

this is my end. And I, I hope you run into her again and be like, wasn't that funny? What happened? No, she's going to be like, I was holding mace.

I was getting ready to attack you back because you were being too wild. Yeah. And then the next one I texted Clay, I was like, was that movie good? And he goes, I don't wild. Yeah, and then the next morning I texted Clay. I was like, was that movie good? He goes, I don't know. Honestly, that's great.

Yeah. I got very drunk during Lady Bird. Oh, where did you see it? Arclight? At the Arclight. I went with John Milhiser. Oh, I love John. He was my roommate.

Yeah, we were all with SNL the same amount of time. Yes. But you got used way more than him. I mean, we were both used that shows wild yeah but uh i had two bottles of wine in my purse and cups and then the there's a security guard of the arc light who was like let me look in your purse oh no it's never happened before and then she's like you can't have this and i was like all right so we went downstairs shoved the wine in john's uh uh sleeve yeah went back up she was like good you put it in the car i was like we put it in the car i cracked that open oh wait drink the wine ladybird looks great

by the way i personally didn't like it oh everybody liked it uh i thought it was good in parts sure yeah i mean it wasn't for me. It seems like kind of a privilege. It seems like a middle class white kid movie. Yes. It's how I was like, I can't. Yes. Like the movie Moonlight.

I was like, I get why people like this, but I have nothing to grasp at. Yeah. I didn't grow up like super poor in Florida, black and gay. Like versus Manchester by the Sea. I was like, I definitely could burn my family down. Yeah. On accident. Like I get this movie.

Yeah. I also, I didn't love Manchester by the Sea. Why would you? Okay. I'm like, I'm like, I know I can, I can imagine doing what he did. I was just like, so this man has it so good and can't stop drinking and partying with his friends and burns up his kids. Of course his wife is mad at him. Yeah, no.

He burned up them kids. I'm like, I am a fireplace away from that. And then Moonlight, I was like, yeah, I got it. I kept being black and different and having feelings that you're not sure about. And I liked Moonlight, but I was just like, I can't. This movie is not. black and different yeah and having feelings that like you're not sure about yeah no and i liked moonlight but i was just like i can't this movie's not i don't know how to do this ladybird was not for me i don't get the white experience of having adequate money but wanting more money right sure like lady i mean did you see um uh what uh oh the florida project no i did not but people keep

telling me it's great it's white moonlight oh white moonlight yeah it's poor white people in florida okay i don't know i don't this is gonna sound real hateful but i don't need to watch movies about poor white people because i don't understand how you're poor the system's built for you figure it out yeah sure look just i don't know how to explain this movie it's like like a single mom. They live in the projects outside Orlando, and her mom just can't figure it out. Yeah. All right. I got to watch it.

It's just shot well. Is that the arc light? I don't know. I'm a Los Feliz 3 guy. I love Los Feliz 3. I love the vista. I really like walking to a movie. I can't walk to.

I live on Griffith Park Boulevard, so nothing is very walkable for me. No. I guess I could walk a mile and hit Hillhurst. A mile and a half to Vermont. Yeah. Yeah, I live on Griffith Park Boulevard, so like nothing is very walkable for me. No. I guess I could walk like a mile and hit Hillhurst. A mile and a half to Vermont. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. You could, yeah. I got so drunk at the Los Feliz 3 watching that Daniel Radcliffe movie where he's dead.

Oh, I never saw it. It's good. I laughed, but also I was so drunk, I don't know. I was like alone laughing at parts. We gotta go see a movie together soon I saw the Entourage movie at the Los Feliz 3 what a dream with Paul Britton who is also

on SNL and we brought beers in and we were the only two people there ironically to be like how bad is this gonna be so we're clapping we're just yelling and everyone's like quiet I'm trying to see what Vinny and the boys are getting into. It sounds like we go to movies for similar reasons.

You'd be like, am I going to giggle at how dumb this is? Oh, man, I love it. Oh, man, I saw The Boy Next Door, Pretty Waste at the Arclight. Have you ever been to iPix? No, what's iPix? Grace introduced this to me. It's a different, it's the Raya of movie theaters. Oh.

It's like $35. Okay 35 i don't like it uh but i get why you would you go you have um it might even be more than 35 you have a fucking lazy boy recliner that goes all the way down a full dinner menu oh wait oh no i haven't been to this there's like night hawk or something in New York. Yeah. You can get dinner. But this is a different level. It's in Pasadena and it's downstairs. Oh.

It's so fancy that I'm like, why are we even going out? Why are we going to see a movie? Yeah. I was like, I like the movie. I like sitting there. It's free popcorn, but I don't care. I went and saw Madea at a- It doesn't matter where.

It was great. It was medea medea's halloween it was at a universal city walk and they have big old fucking reclining lounge chairs so i just like had my little vodka soda brought with me i was leaning back i was like this is for me i love it i love getting drunk at a movie oh man yeah when when the arc light allowed us to start bringing beers in i'm like you are a genius i had a dream i think one time in new york i went to the amc 13 or whatever in union square and um i had a backpack full of beer that never nobody i i don't know it hadn't been been checked. But the guy tearing tickets was like – not to be – he was like a special needs person. Sure. That's not rude.

You're telling me a fact. Right. And I was like, he's going to be a stickler. This is a stickler. This is a guy who is actually going to do his job. So which is – he has a great job. And he did a great job. And he looked at my backpack.

He's like, you can't have these. It was a six-pack. And I was like, can I like set them in your little cubby that you have? He's at a thing. He's like, you can't have these. It was a six pack. And I was like, can I like set them in your little cubby that you have? Like, you know, you're at a, he's at a thing. He's like, no. And I was like, okay, well I'm going to put them behind this Ninja Turtles, Ninja Turtles cutout. I was like, I'm going to put them back here and then I'm going to get them after my movie. And he was like, I'm not responsible for those. I go, that's fine. And when I saw the movie and then afterwards they came out and a bunch of people saw a stranger reach behind

a Ninja Turtles cutout and pull out six beers and then just leave. They were like, the fuck was that? I hope someone was like, that's true magic. Someone was so excited about it. Yeah, I really hope somebody saw it and was like, damn! Ninja Turtles are awesome! Oh, wow!

I wonder if there's more beer back there. Is that a treasure hunt? I hope someone was just like looking back there and being like, there has to be more beer. Oh, yeah. All about seeking. I have a question for you. Let's hear it. We've talked.

We know each other. Not super well, but we know each other. Sure. Would you date me if you didn't have a girlfriend? Yes, of course I would. Well, I would go on dates with you. I don't know if we date day. Okay.

You know, because who knows? We sound, I would go on dates with you. I don't know if we date day. Okay. You know, because who knows? We sound like we would be a train wreck together. Yeah, we would probably die. Yeah, it sounds like we would just constantly went up each other. Yeah, and I will go there. I recently, I did a power hour podcast. I did not realize this because I blacked out during the last 25 minutes. What, where you take a shot of beer every minute?

A shot of beer every minute for an hour. I went to the bathroom, missed two drinks, so then I chugged a beer, and then I had already had three vodka sodas before arriving, and then drank some Maker's Mark, took off my wig, and took off my shirt. So I'll tell you something. I'll go there. Also, this was the day before Thanksgiving, and I didn't know I had taken off my wig or my shirt until

today. Which is several days after Thanksgiving. Oh my gosh. And the best part was I was like, yeah, sounds about right. Like I wasn't like, oh my God, Nicole. I was like, yeah, that's who I am. Yeah. The other

night, the night of that I drank the wine in Three Billboards, I kept going with the wine, which I don't normally do. And I passed out on Grace's couch and she slept in her bed and then woke me up in the morning and my first words were, don't look at me.

And then my next words were, where are my things? So she's like, I woke you up and you yelled, don't look at me. Where are my things? So she's like, I woke you up and you yelled, don't look at me. Where are my things? That's very funny. Yeah. And I was like, yeah.

Oh boy. I don't remember falling asleep. She's like, no, you were just pounding wine. That's great. What are you doing? Yeah. Sometimes you just have to do that. Well, I just forgot how much I liked wine.

Yeah. You get excited. That's why I don't drink hard alcohol because I drink all alcohol at the same speed. Fair. I try to, in my brain, go, all right, if I have a vodka soda,

have a cup of water. But I always forget. I had two friends in town. One is from Australia. One lives in Jersey. And it was Sunday and I had to work at 6 a.m. on Monday. But I was like, I'll go easy.

We'll go to West Hollywood. We'll go at like 3 p.m. How drunk can you get during the afternoon? Oh, boy, that sun will get you. The sun gets you. You're excited. I'm excited. It is 8 p.m. and I'm blacked out at 8 p.m.

I'm in the bathroom peeing and I hear a very faint. And I was like, who's got it? And this man appeared and he was like 20 for a bag. And I was like, I only have 14. He was like, deal. He's like, who's got it? And this man appeared and he was like 20 for a bag. And I was like, I only have 14. He was like, deal. He's like, let's do some. I was like, my bag or yours? I'm cheap after he gives me a deal on a bag of Coke.

So we do a little bit of his. And then it's 10 p.m. I'm getting my palm read. And she's like, stand outside in your yard and feel the earth. So now it's 11 p.m. You got your palm read? I'm wasted in front of my house with my feet in the grass of my friend john going i don't know if i feel the earth got to be 5 a.m still wasted and i'm like i gotta drive

to van nuys so i drove as slowly as possible get to work my makeup artist sylvia is like girl are you okay and i was like i don't think so she's like laid down so she puts the makeup chair laying down and i guess i was so drunk that i couldn't lay down i was hovering above the chair because i was like where's the back of it where's and sylvia goes i didn't say anything because i like, I don't think anything I'd say to you at that moment would be helpful. And then it was the longest 12 hours of my life. That's a nightmare. It was awful. Oh, geez Louise, yeah.

I died in between every take. Yeah. That's brutal. It was rough. One time, I was shot at a travel show and we were in France, in Paris. And I got real drunk and my friend's band was playing in Paris randomly from LA. I was like at a travel show and we were in France and Paris. And I got real drunk. My friend's band was playing in Paris randomly from LA. I was like, holy shit.

So I went and met up with them and they're like a cool hip band. And so afterwards we went to like David Lynch's underground nightclub called Silencio. But I was like really drunk and didn't like French people. So I was like, these guys' things are so fucking cool. I was like, this place fucking sucks. And my friend, whose band I was, he's like, this is actually the coolest bar in France. It had all these different rooms, and it's a dungeon.

I go, fuck this. I'm going to McDonald's. I'm not forgetting my roots. I'm not forgetting my roots. So I stormed out of the place, and then I realized, after I had McDonald's, I was like, uh-oh, those are where my friends are. So I went to go get back in and the guy was like, fuck you. And so I didn't know the name of my hotel because it's in French and I forgot it and I was drunk.

I spent like hours walking around Paris being like, oh, shit, how do I get home? We're shooting the next day. So then I was like oh and I got sobered up enough to click to be like if I can get to the Moulin Rouge I can get to my hotel so I just go to the Moulin Rouge and the sun's coming up and I walk into the hotel

and I grab a coffee as the director and the producers are walking down the stairs and they're like somebody's up early and I go let's have a day and I the first hour was fine and then I died And the producers are walking down the stairs and they're like, somebody's up early. And I go, let's have a day. And the first hour was fine. And then I died. Died.

You died. Yeah. Oh, man. It sucks when your hangover hits you at like 11 a.m. And you're like, I have so much more day to live. Yeah. I was just laying in the production van. And they were like. Let's have a day.

Yeah. They were like, ooh, you're up early. I thought you were going to meet up with your friends. I go, we had a mellow night. I have, I have not been in my room yet. That is so funny. Yeah. But then you just, just so sad at like noon.

You're like, yeah. And you're like, if I drink something, I'm going to puke, but I need to drink something. Yeah. Yeah. If I lay down, I'm going to puke. But I need to drink something. If I lay down, I'm going to puke. My head is pounding. I pitched them. I was like, I think I should be drinking wine in this shot.

And they're like, I don't know. And I was like, I just think I should be. I think it would be good. I think it would be good for my body and the show. I'm in Paris. Yeah, yeah. Midway at like 5 p.m. Or no, maybe it was like 3 or four the prop master charlie was

like do you want vodka or something and i was like that would be good for me so i just like sipped on a little vodka it was like okay she's back baby for like 45 minutes and then i was like i need more so it's just like slowly just sipping. Oh, it was bad. This is the funniest. It was bad. Oh, man. I missed Mexican Day at lunch because I couldn't look at it. Right.

Oh, that's so funny. It was brutal. And I'm not hungover anymore just laughing and talking about these stories. Because I'm like, man, I didn't drink like that at all last night. I'm fine. Oh, man. Brooks, thank you so much for doing this was a delight what a fucking treat also brooks has a podcast called entry level and uh you talk about

jobs comics had before becoming yeah it's just all about the jobs people had like comics or musicians had before they um could quit those jobs and become full-time in that career. And it's really funny because nobody ever gave a fuck about it. Because once you know you want to do something, everything else is just to get money. Yeah. To, like, fulfill the drug of performing. Yeah. Performing is so stupid. And it's something I, like, have to do.

Just got to do it. Yeah. Also, Brooks has a Twitter and Instagram at Brooks Whelan. It's all very funny. He performs all over LA. She's gonna be on my podcast. I'm gonna be on that podcast so you better fucking listen to hear my voice some more. Also,

if you like Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe to it and rate it on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. That's important. Please. It's very important. This is free and Nicole's doing it. Yes, I do it for free. And I just want you to like it. Just hit the five stars.

Press the five stars. And it sincerely helps it get heard by more people. Yes. And it bumps it. And then people promote it. Do it right now. We're talking to you. Also, if you write a review where you hit on me, I'll read it.

If you say something like, ooh, Nicole, them toes are great, I'll read it out loud. Because I just figured out today I'm on a foot encyclopedia or Wikipedia. Oh, that's nice. So I made it. Grace has one of those, I think. Yes, all female actors have one. And I just didn't think I was going to get chosen to be on the foot wiki. Fuck, yeah, you made it.

I woke up this morning to it, and I feel really good about it. That's so exciting. I texted Shira. I was like, I'm on the foot wiki yeah you made it i feel i woke up this morning to it and i feel really good about it so i texted shira i was like i'm on the foot wiki she's like did you see my page i was like i'll go to it now how is hers hers is great people really like her toes that's exciting she'll get comments on instagram where people be like hey uh so you're not wearing any shoes you you want you want to one of those see them toes it's very funny to me i want to see them toes can we can we see them toes give me give me pieces of toes do you like toes um i don't i don't have any problem with them i don't know okay that's a fair answer yeah i'm glad you weren't like oh toes i'm gonna slide out of this seat no no i just i'm not like everything's cool yeah toes cool all right brooks thank you so much thanks for having me bye out of this seat. No, no, I just, I'm not like, everything's cool. Yeah, toes, yeah, cool.

Alright, Brooks, thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Bye-bye! This has been a Team Coco production.