Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Growing Up Fat (w/ Jacob Wysocki)

Episode Date: January 26, 2018

Jacob Wysocki (*Loosely Exactly Nicole, UCB Comedy) joins Nicole to discuss being fat, going through puberty, and dating "normies".You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at:https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyAnd finally, check out Loosely Exactly Nicole on Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/looselyexactlynicole/

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Oh baby! I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast about love and dating and trying to figure out why I'm so dang single. My guest today is a person that I spend a lot of time with.

I work with him. He plays my best friend and roommate on my show that is now on Facebook called Loosely Exactly Nicole. Oh, it's Jacob Wysocki. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Jacob. Happy to be here. Happy to be in the historic arts district of east los angeles california that is where we are we're in the arts district we're downtown so jacob yes nicole hi you are a single man correct i'm a single man and are you on apps uh i have them on my phone. My engagement with them is, especially probably in the last two months, non-existent.

Is it because you are working? Is it because you've lost interest? I just don't think those things work for a guy like me. What does that mean, a guy like me? I'm a bigger dude. Yes. So I carry some weight around. Yes.

guy like me um i'm a bigger dude yes so i carry some weight around yes and i think those apps are very much organized and made to work in the world of vanity and like instant gratification of like oh this person i'm initially attracted to like physically and visually likes me so i get that little dopamine i don't think i give that to people based on the pictures of me on the internet. And that could just be like me being, you know, self-conscious or whatever. But I have friends who are hot and they do great. You know what I mean? Sure. Yeah.

It is a thing where you're like, okay, it must be the way I look. Yes. Because hot people do well on these. And I do not. And I don't. I mean, I'm not, for the listeners, I'm not ugly. No, Jacob has an adorable cherub-like face. And you've got long, beautiful, tumbling, curly hair.

I think you dress, you have a very distinct style. He's sitting here in some little overall shorts a shirt with uh an octopus on it and it's like slightly tie-dyed it's cute it's a look i have a vibe yeah yeah you got a cute little vibe i i don't know what it is about bigger people well i say fat people is that offensive to you uh no no i think uh i think fat people can call fat people fat and use the word fat i think everyone can use the word fat yeah you if someone goes if a thin person were to say to you jacob you're fucking fat would you be insulted yeah were they being funny or were they was it in malice uh it could be in malice uh i would i would let it roll

off the duck's back but it's impossible for it to not trigger that like third grader you know what i mean like it's important it's like impossible for me to not like hear the echoes of like titty boy titty boy they called you titty boy they called me everything man man. You know, I got it all. Man, that fucking sucks. It does. And I'm grown and I know that like they're idiots. Like I still have adults. Like that's how they try and cut me. You know what I mean?

Like in social arguments or whatever, just like when somebody is an asshole at a bar or whatever. And I just kind of laugh because it's like, wow, you still think like a third grader. I guess I had a different experience growing up. Nobody made fun of me to my face. If shit was said about me, it was behind my back. Because I was very good at extrapolating that thing in you that would hurt your feelings. So do you think you were cutting them before they could cut you? I don't think.

There was like one girl that I would cut just to like show that like if you're gonna try to like she didn't even do anything to me she was truly just like at the wrong time or at the wrong place at the wrong time so i'd just be like uh whatever i'd say shit about her i'd just like to let everybody know that's like i like will talk shit like i'm not i'm not here here to have you make fun of me or whatever. Also, I was black in an all-white school, so I was inherently cool. Because it either goes one or two ways when you're the only black kid somewhere. You're either very cool or people are like, you are an N-word. And then mean to you and make your life miserable.

I was very lucky that I grew up with a bunch of white people who were like, I go tanning and I love hip hop. Eminem makes me feel like I can do anything. So, yeah, I guess that is like triggering the word fat. For me, everyone has fat. Some people are just fatter than most. Yes. And honestly, it took like a very long time for me to get to this place.

So someone calls me fat. I'm like, and you have brown hair. Like, what are we saying? Facts? What is it? Yeah. we're having a fact olympics because i'm here for it you got feet too i think that's that's an ideal that i would like to get to where it is like that's the mentality of people where it's just like another look or another thing you know because i it was just like it's not like you decide to really be fat. No. And I think people think it is a choice. Like no one chooses to look differently than the social norm. No.

That's not a thing that people do. I guess like you have your exceptions of like the punk and goth people, but you're still conforming to a subculture. But even still, you look like another person you saw. Yeah. Like no one is saying, no one. You look like another person you saw. Like no one is saying no one. So growing up, you have skinny dolls and you're told that this is what healthy looks like.

And you're told eat lots of apples and keep the doctor away or whatever. And then you see fat is bad. So no one's like that bad thing. I think I want that. It's. Yeah. I also feel like I got the message a little too late in my life that it was bad to be big. Oh, really? Yeah. Because, I mean, my parents loved the message a little too late in my life that it was bad to be big. Oh, really?

Yeah, because, I mean, my parents loved me. I was an only child, so it was like I could do no wrong. And I remember, like, I don't remember how old I was, but being weighed in, it was like 100 pounds, and I thought that was tight. Because I was like big, strong, like I'm growing or whatever. And then the doctors really never said anything until I was like 13, 14. And it's like, dude, these habits are here now. Yeah. These are here to stay.

Like the mental shit is here now. And then it was like, well, I'm a big guy. Like it's too late. You should have told me when I was seven, eight, nine, that this was an issue and like not nip it in the bud or something i got a lot of shit from my dad's side of the family and then i distinctly remember my doctor going oh this is just baby fat she'll slim out yeah when she hits puberty and then puberty hit and then it didn't slim out and nobody was like oh this is just like fat she's fat uh there's not baby she's fat the diagnosis was wrong uh yeah i think i i diagnosed her incorrectly she's just a fat person well my folks had a very i had a very similar thing where it was like i'll stretch out which i did because i i hit the pubes

late i hit the puberty late and i truly grew like three inches, four inches like in a year. Oh, yeah. So I used to be much shorter and heavy. And then despite stretching out, I was still big. But it was just more proportionate. Like I could carry it better if that made sense. That makes sense. Yeah.

I hit puberty late. Like I didn't get my period till high school, which I was super happy with because my sister would be like i'm crampy and i'm a bloody mess and i'd be like oh dry as a fucking i'm dry as a bone i'm dry oh no crampies here and then uh like i didn't get titties till later oh and your friend would stuff her bra with lots of tissues because i was like fat with no titties and And I was like, this is not fair. And yeah, man, it was just tough. And yeah, growing up fat is tough. Like people, I didn't have, I didn't have sexual interactions until I was 18, 19.

Like I didn't have, or no, no, no. I blew a guy when I was like 15 or something. Okay. But like other than that, it I was like 15 or something. Okay. But like other than that, it was like just this one time. Yeah, I mean, I remember the first time I hugged a girl. And like I feel like that's a- You remember the first time you hugged a girl? Yeah, and I was like sixth grade or seventh grade.

And it was like people that I was friends with. But I was like, I guess I didn't get that kind of attention. And so it was a moment to remember. I would like make things happen like i remember distinctly in kindergarten opening the door and a little boy was peeing and i was like dang why are you not sitting oh and then the teacher was like nicole you need to close the door and i was like i got stuff i need to figure out man i have seen this is wild to me and then like and then it like wasn't sexual or anything

because I was in kindergarten. Yeah, of course. But I just didn't leave him alone. And I was just like, you got to tell me more about this apparatus you have. This is very curious to me. So I guess I don't remember the first time I touched a dude.

I just remember I've always kind of just been very curious about dicks. Yeah. I'm like, I don't have one. What's it like? They're crazy. I want to, can I feel it? Can I touch it? Nicole, please no. Stop. Go sit down and do your ABCs. But that was a curiosity like unconnected to sexuality. Correct. At least at that

age. At that age, yes. It's like an anatomy thing. But then at like fifth grade, I was just like, ooh, I want boys to kiss me. Which I think is like like, kind of early. Were other girls your age being kissed? Not in, like, fifth grade, I don't think. Or if it happened, it was like, this wild thing.

Like, Matt Drury kissed me, and it's crazy. I feel like people didn't get busy till, like, middle school. Yeah. That's kind of where it hit with like you had like boyfriend girlfriends but they would just like hold hands on the schoolyard yeah which is dumb as she got real in middle school yes people started like really hooking up in middle

school and then that's when i was like oh i think being fat and black might prevent it because it's like no matter how cool i am i don't think any of those little white boys are going to like bring a black girl home to mom and be like, do you like this? And I'd be like, no. I also had the comparison of like constantly in my life having friends that are just like very handsome, straight white dudes that clean up. So I always had the contrast of like being the fat best friend that's like, damn, Justin's like got like always dancing with girls at the dance and like kisses girls and like cleans up. And I am not that. So you're like, oh, it's because I'm this way. If I looked like Justin, I'd be doing the same thing because we're both wasn't like a personality thing.

We were very similar kids. Yeah. I guess it is like a aesthetically pleasing thing i loved this kid in middle school named mark d'angelilio d'angelilio yes sheesh he was blonde and he was perfect and i think i was in sixth grade and he was like in eighth grade and i don't know why but i saw him and i was like him i'm going to love him and i like sent him a rose on valentine's day that's sweet and then he sent me a i believe it was like a pink one for interested and i was like oh he's interested in me and i lived off that for a full fucking year yeah man

that's a high i can't remember if i ever asked him out, but I know we like danced at a dance and I like backed my ass up into him and then he got like a beautiful little white girlfriend and I was like. Oh, no. Okay. So, yeah. Growing up, I think it was like being fat and being black really hindered me until I moved to New York where it was just like an eclectic fucking melting pot of people where

it was just like, yeah, like I melting pot of people where it was just like, yeah, like I had a fat ass and that was desirable to some people. And then I did lose a little bit of weight when I was in school because I was just like walking around the city a lot and doing a lot of cocaine. And, you know, when you're doing coke, guess what you're not doing? Eating. Yeah, baby. And then I was trying to be scrappy because I didn't have a lot of money so like i would steal food i would go to gristini's with like a tote bag

and i'd go all right what are the necessities yeah i guess i'll get like some apples or whatever but like wine we all need wine and boone's farm so like load up on that shit and then like go to the pizza place get a slice of pizza eat it in the back and then just walk out like it was just like being scrappy didn't have any money lost some weight and then i remember like seeing my dad after not seeing him for like three or four months and he was like no god your body is so small and i was like wow if only he knew. Yes. Yeah. Like what it took to get down to that size. Being like poor and literally eating scraps. Yeah. And doing, I mean.

I mean, bringing it back around to the Tinder and the dating thing. Like I do better in the real world because people get to notice me and there's a level of like ego and vanity that gets separated from that app in the real world that I can operate in functionally. You know what I mean? And it's still a fucking struggle. And I'm an idiot and I always try to go after chicks that are never going to date me. Yeah, but I feel like you pull some really hot babes. I have, as humble as I can be, a perfect track record.

as humble as I can be, a perfect track record. I do well, but it's always, for the most part, like I put in hours to like, you know what I mean? You got to do the work to be the schlubby big dude

dating a very attractive girl. And you have to just be like cooler than everybody else. And that takes a lot of energy. Here's the thing that's going to happen to you. Sure. As you get more successful, you're going to have to just be like cooler than everybody else. And that takes a lot of energy. Here's the thing that's going to happen to you. Sure. As you get more successful, you're going to have to put in less and less work.

You'll just be like, hello. And girls will be like, oh my God. And isn't that why I'm doing it? That's why we got into comedy. Yeah. Can I see your dating profile? Is that okay? Can I see it?

My phone's downstairs charging, but absolutely you can. It's okay. We don't even have to go there. Yeah. Can I see your dating profile? Is that okay? Can I see it? My phone's downstairs charging, but absolutely you can. It's okay. We don't even have to go there. Yeah. You have seen it, so we could... Oh, you're right. I have seen it. You have good pictures. I can't remember what your caption actually says. There's a couple things. It's like just looking for somebody to braid my

hair, which is like a talking point. Ah, so do you not actually want someone to braid your hair oh absolutely that'd be wonderful what kind of braid you looking for just two frenchies like i don't want to do anything like over the top what about some nice box braids would you i i would do it if you like wanted to see it because it'd be funny but i wouldn't do it because i wouldn't feel comfortable wearing box braids fair just like i don't think i'd be comfortable wearing like cornrows or something.

Fair. Which I've done and had to be in like a very public. I think I had like cornrows for like a wig that I had to wear in a show. And then I had to immediately go and do like an improv show with cornrows. And like Lacey was just like. Hi. Hi. What is this?

Yes. That's funny. was just like hi hi what is this yes um funny but and then i i have a joke about like being part of like the last bit of california old growth which is just like me really putting me into the profile uh and then like i think i have a ucb drop because i'm trying to get those slugs um slugs slugs you knowugs? Slugs. Is that what I call a chuckle fucker? I guess a slug for me has become a very broad term of just like slugs and snails. Like, you know, they like come out after the rain. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like that kind of thing. Like, they're like slowly crawling back. You like girls like that? I don't necessarily think I like girls like that but it's what exists sometimes like fair especially yeah you know what i mean you get a lot of that energy i don't necessarily think that they're like attracted or want to date but just being like a comedic entity sure like around ucb you get slugs i don't get slugs but you get i feel like you get you get it in the like I don't get slugs. hey nicole can we just talk real quick you know what i mean no not even for dudes it's uh women women do that but i i still think that that can be like a level of slug that's sucking out your

energy yeah women like to be like how um you're funny and i just want to like have coffee with you and talk to you dudes that's a form of slugging in my opinion yes i do i i don't get the romantic slugs i also don't get men after shows who are like, oh, wow, you're so funny. I got to be near you. I get a lot of like, you were funny for a girl. Or like, I never really thought, oh, I did one fucking show. It's Best Fish Tacos, one of my favorite shows in LA. Did my set, get off stage, and this guy comes over to me and he's like, man, I have never seen a funny woman in my life.

And I was like, what? Okay, great. He was like, never. And you're so funny. Like, where did you come from? And I was like, I'm not a fucking alien. And there are funny women. So I started like rattling like names off.

And he was like, who are these people? I was like, female comics. Yeah. Who are doing pretty well and are are funny women so i started like rattling like names off and he was like who are these people i was like female comics yeah who are doing pretty well and are very funny my takeaway from this story is like you showed him the light and how how really tight is that i hope he went home and looked up these people yeah like you really shattered his consciousness it was nuts though i was like how have you never seen a funny woman i mean that's just like somebody being like super super like biased and bad he also said he was like i hate muslims i was like oh good he's like i can say that because i am muslim not good nah bro you can't just like group together a bunch of people and say you just don't like them. That's crazy. You can't do that. So have you ever been on a date with someone from a dating app? Yes.

And? It's never good, man. No? It's never good because it's like continuing this Fugazi facade. You're continuing that like- That false intimacy that texting someone brings. Yes, and like false confidence too because you're like, he swiped on me. You're continuing that like. That false intimacy that texting someone brings. Yes.

And like false confidence too. Because you're like, he swiped on me. It's like, I swiped on a lot of people. You know? I'm trying to think. It's usually like we meet up. It's never been good. Which is also probably part of the reason why I don't use them anymore. Because like the few times that I have, I would say maybe three times.

One time this girl made me drive her to her mom's old house. What? She's like, that's where my mom and I used to live. And I was like, okay. And then she was like, pull over. And I was like, does this girl want to make out in front of her mom's old house?

And we were kind of chatting and I pulled away and she was like, does this girl want to make out in front of her mom's old house? And we were kind of chatting. And I pulled away. And she was like, no, pull back over. And so I was like, OK, so this girl kind of wants to make out, I guess. And I went in. This is going to be tough for the podcast. But I went in for the kiss. And she kind of rolled her eyes up and exhaled in a way of like i guess i'll kiss

you oh no and it's like no dude you had me do a double pull over you like opened up to you up you opened up to me about your like mom and like your living situation like this isn't a double take this is like you know this is a short thing this is to be like, can you drive me to like my old house and then pull over? And I'll tell you about it. And then we have to pull over again. That's so weird. Very weird. I had another girl who came at me hot and was like, I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do this. Cha, cha, ta, ta, ta. Su, tu, tu, na, na, na. Qua, qua, qua. La, qua, la, qua, la, qua. And I was like to do this. I'm going to do this. Cha, cha, ta, ta, ta. Su, tu, tu, na, na, na. Qua, qua, qua. La, qua, la, qua, la, qua. And I was like on the fence. I was like, this is not my normal type of chick, but I'll go for a ride. I pick her up.

She lived pretty close to me. I pick her up. She immediately know that she's nervous. And so I'm just like really trying to not collide with that vibe I'm like being really open and just trying to be so chill energy energy and she kind of

calms down a little bit but I get like yes be nervous you're getting to a strange man's car yes you don't know where I'm taking you so we go tell her where you were taking her no I mean like you don't know if I'm taking you. You didn't tell her where you were taking her? No, I mean, like, you don't know if I will. Oh, if you're just going to kidnap her?

Yeah, we had a plan. I mean, that would be wild. She was like, just whisk me away. Just take me away, Jake. Take me away from this hellhole of life. We got some ice cream, and then she was like, let's go back to your place. Because she had been chanana so-so-so. And so I'm like, we're about to chanana so-so-so. And we get there. We there we like put on some

bullshit netflix or whatever and then it like quickly turns out she's like a virgin and like put up this whole front and was like lying about all this and i was like you gotta go like i got like this i'm not the dude to do this with you i don't feel comfortable anymore because like this is clearly like a lie

what else are you lying about um like wait so how did it come out that she was a virgin it was like i like went to go kiss and she was like you know like had her arm around me and was like tickling my shoulder doing the basic netflix sort of like phase shift and then i like went to go kiss her and she's like i'm a virgin like I've never really done anything with a guy and I was just like how old was she? she was 23, 24 wow wow wow wow

but like all of the text and all of the conversations were like sexual? yes very much so interesting like unprompted oh really she was like I'm gonna suck your dick yeah it was just nasty. And then she was like, I don't know how. And that was the last time that I ever met up with somebody.

And I think, like, in the sickest way and the most honest way I can be, the only time I use those apps is to, like, have a 30-minute conversation with a human and feel kind of decent about myself that they're willing to talk and be like you're somebody that i'll at least give some attention to fair which is sick and gross and so why be not sick and gross i think there's like i feel like the older i get the more dating i don't i feel like a lot of people are trash. Like a lot of people are garbage. And I don't know how to find a good one. Like I don't. There should be like, you know, like a rec center where there's like a Saturday night of good people. Yeah.

Like all the good people come together and you can meet other good people. But a bunch of shitty people would show up that think they're good. You're right. That's the problem. So you have to do the sussing on your own, which is absolutely tiring. It is. It's very exhausting. It's, I mean, out of like, because I do talk to a lot of dudes on Tinder, and I would say

one out of 10 is like, okay? That's the thing is like, you'd like become sort of complacent with the the batch that you can grab. Yeah. It's like, you know, it's like I like chocolate chip cookies. That's the batch of cookies I want. But like on Tinder, I can only get oatmeal. And it's like, I guess I'll fucking eat an oatmeal cookie. Yeah, man, because I'm alone.

Yeah. And you're like, maybe it's better than being alone. And it's probably not. OK, let's take a break, even though this conversation is steaming up. But don't worry, it's going to stay steamy when we get back. I mean, at this point, I just want dick that I know. That consistency. Yeah, like i had someone pretty consistent for a little bit and then would like hook up with other people in between and then

but like i always had the consistent thing to go back to now i don't have that i'm like so this is life life is just continuous random tinder hookups i the consistency is such a double-edged sword because i don't like somebody's gonna cop feelings yeah and then you're either dogging yourself or you're dogging someone else well and like how long can you allow yourself to be the bad guy and hurt somebody so you can get the nut and then they're still there because they love you. Well, that's why I want the fucking relationship. That's like – and then also, I don't know. I moved into a new space and I like this space and I feel like it has a very positive energy. And I just don't want dudes rolling in and out.

No, man. I don't want them like fucking up my energy. No, because they will. They'll consume that space. Yes. They'll consume you. The older I get, that's what I realize about people is they're consuming yeah it's a hippie thing because it involves energy but the older i get the more i believe in that stuff and that's what people do man they just fucking take it out of you because they want some of your fucking juice because you got amazing juice hey you know what

i mean you're juicy as hell oh i'm juicy'm juicy. And people are just like. Oh, juicy. Juicy baby. Oh, juicy baby. And so people want to get just like the smallest taste and they'll do whatever. Yeah, I guess. And I'm learning that like I have friends that I can hang out with all day, every day. Like you, you're good. Like you're good. I can hang out with you for a very like, I don't know.

You don't, you don't have a bad energy you know when to be quiet you know when it's time to giggle so she are my best friend is also a great example of that she knows when it's time like she there's time and place for everything but then there's like some people where i'm like i can literally only be near you for two hours before you were just like you fall into this like bad place where like you're like trying too hard to like yeah get me to laugh or like get me to do something and i'm like fuck just like chill and be just like just be i have somebody very close to me that is sort of like that but i always just try to remember like i love them and the fact that i can only have two hours with them doesn't affect or

make them less of a friend or affect the way that i love and receive and give it's just like yeah i got two hours with you and i try my best and then you just you consumed me yes you got all my energy and i have to leave you i hung out with a friend recently it was a couple weeks ago who she like we were hanging out and i hit like my wall and i was like oh boy i don't know how much longer i can talk to you because it's almost as if she's trying to convince me that she's successful and it's like this isn't a competition like it's really life is not a competition like i have trouble keeping my eyes on my own paper sometimes but i make a very consistent effort to do so so when i have a friend who's talking to me and she's just like x y and z is doing this blah blah blah and i'm like

this you're you're draining me because i have to like think about what other people are doing and it's going against what i it was i was like exhausted from hanging out with her for like it was like three hours and i just like couldn't get away from her fast enough well and it's like those people are pulling you into places your brain don't don't like to be that yeah my brain don't like to be dead no because i pay a therapist to help my brain not go there that's the thing if you're spending energy in your day-to-day to like not look at other people's paper and not compare yourself to X, Y, Z, and then all of a sudden somebody puts you into that mental space, like, you worked so hard to not. Mm-hmm.

Don't bring me there, man. Don't fucking bring me there. And then that's why, like, I want to date a comic, but then also, like, don't. I've tried to date normies, and that's in air quotes. Yeah. And I kind of hate that I even say normies and that's in air quotes yeah you uh and i kind of hate that i even say normies but they are they're a different breed of people people who have to get on a stage every night are different than people who are like oh no i have no desire to ever do that it's and it's always like less than i don't want to i'm not judging the people i'm judging the experience

in the connection it's always less than. And it's always like, yeah, I don't care about Ron, like, who, like, has coffee breath at the office. Like, I really, I'm sorry that sucks for you. But, like, what do you think about the fucking moon, man? Like, let's get somewhere. And it's like they're very, they limit their mental capacity to like explore these bigger ideas and like have fun and they put themselves in a box like in their world and they are their minds oh shit it's okay it's not that much water knocked over some water uh he was talking about the moon in our minds and then just knocked over some water i don't know i mean i could be all wrong too no i talking to

normal people it's like sometimes they don't even get bits and you say something they're like oh really like oh no i'm yeah i'm kidding oh i, no, I'm kidding. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm just kidding. Yeah. Or like, I don't know, both my parents are dead and I've gone on dates with dudes where I've made a dead parent joke because they've asked about my parents. And then they're like, oh, wow.

I'm so sorry to bring that up, Nicole. Wow. And then I'm like, no, no, it's fine. Truly, I tried to name my incorporation Orphan Pussy. Like, I'm okay with it yeah and oh my god what and it's just like it's hard to like come back from that when like somebody just doesn't get jokes then i've gone out with dudes who actually i didn't go out with this guy we had texted for like a fucking week and we like finally made a date to like go out and i was like hey this

is gonna be good we've talked for too long it's not gonna be good but whatever i'm gonna go out because i'm pushing myself to just like go out with dudes and yeah you gotta learn a little just gotta learn he like kept making jokes and then finally i was like hey man these aren't jokes and he was like what and i was like these aren't jokes you're just like there's nothing whimsical about it there's no twist there's no punch you're just saying like weird shit and that's not a joke and then i gave him an example of a joke and then he never texted me again damn well he's not funny have you ever tried like dating other types of artists because that's sort of like where i'm at like it's been very successful like the last girl i was super sprung on was like a musician visual artist and like it was really cool to compare notes and like create like there's a

creative brain existing in that human being but in a completely different realm of like existence like comedy's so different than making music but there are parallels that you can be like so how do you write a song? Just like, how do I write a joke? Fuck off, dude. So I guess.

Cause there's no water in it anymore. So there's no weight. No, I think the world is trying to be like, stop taking yourself so fucking seriously. No, I understand that. And honestly,

it's never crossed my mind to date like an artist or a photographer or something like that. And I think it's because I've met so many just actors, like straight actors who don't do comedy where I'm like, oh, you're bad. Oh, you think you might get like scuzzed out by some like. Yeah. And it's really important for me to think about my days. Yeah, like someone who's just like, oh, man, when I played this character in Edward Albee's The Goater Who Was Sylvia 10 years ago in the Susquehanna Playhouse where I got paid six pennies to do it for 32 weeks. The way I got into my career, I'm like, I don't fucking care. That doesn't matter. Like, I feel like a lot of actors live in the past they're like they live in that last job they had and then when they're never in

the present because they're in the past with the last job and then they're in the future of the job that they want yes and i think it's really hard to be present with someone who's not present and also a lot of actors are like very narcissistic. Very much. And then a lot of them are like climbing. And they just. Which is a whole other facet of. Yeah. That's got to be very difficult for you. Where you're like phasing out like how genuine is this stuff.

Yeah. And it's. I am in a weird spot. Because like I'm not super successful. But like I'm okay. I'm doing all right. Yeah. And.

It's just. People would mooch off less for sure yeah and it's like i don't know what this person actually fundamentally wants from me because i've like gone out with dudes who've like openly fangirled over me where i'm like oh this doesn't feel good this is weird and then i've got out dudes who've like withheld that they knew who i was till like later and it's just like it's it's very it's weird to date have you ever gone out with a girl and then she was just like later like i've seen you at ucb or i've seen you on tv uh after the fact no i'll tell you something it's's a very, very weird feeling. I would imagine it being strange. I guess if it was a good interaction separate from that moment, I'd be like, hey, well, it got me that. Fair.

You know? Okay, here's a question. What's your favorite position? Favorite position? How you like to fuck. How do I like to fuck? I feel like I'm going to answer it two ways. Great.

I love a good ride. I love when I'm going to answer it two ways I love a good ride I love when I'm just chilling It's tight That's tight And then I love a good We're both kind of sleepy on the couch And I'm just going to fuck you on the couch And you accidentally get shoved Way back in the corner I love like a good like we're both kind of sleepy on the couch and I'm just going to fuck you on the couch.

Like and you like accidentally get shoved like way back in the corner. You know what I mean? So that's I guess like a traditional missionary, but you've got like couch angles and like easy pillow. You know what I mean? I like that your favorite position is just like I don't know We're both just laying there Just wiggling on top of each other No it's like I'm talking

I don't know is the preface where it's like You didn't expect to fuck You had a little too much like tortellini for dinner You're watching like Amazing Race Season 17 Because you're watching it at backwards order And you're gonna watch them all because you're stupid And then backwards order and you're going to watch them all because you're stupid and then you're like i kind of want to fuck right now and then you like look and then

you get the a okay and you're like all right that to me is like a dream honestly oh it's a treat i yeah i've never had like sitting at home sex i mean i lived with a girlfriend for a while so i okay i had plenty of that but it also came with like every other bad thing involved she was crazy right she was she was she is we don't even have to get into it we don't have enough time yeah i'll just say it was is that your only long-term girlfriend or have you had i've had a few i've had many long-term girlfriends have you had okay let's see i had a high school girlfriend that i would consider long-term even though in comparison to the others it is not okay but that was like eight ish months

in high school i think that's a long time yeah and we like did the summer and broke up over the summer so it was like we tried didn't work out. And then there was a girl that I dated for three and a half years that I was probably still in love with. I don't think about it too much. Sorry I brought it up here. No, it's totally fine. Okay. Did you live with that girl? No.

No, no. I lived with the girl that I dated too soon after her because I was broken. And this girl was like, I can fix you. And then she did it. She just ruined me more. And then that was a year and a half. Okay. Maybe a little more.

But in my mind, it was a year and a half. And then since her, I don't consider having any, like, actual long-term relationships. And how long ago was that? 2015. Oh, okay. That's not super long ago yeah feels like two years feels like a a long time there i've had i've dated people and stuff like that but i wouldn't say we were in a relationship i've never had a long-term boyfriend what do you think it's gonna take i don't know so i'm doing a podcast trying to figure it out why do you think i'm single i don't know i mean we don't know each other super well but i think like i'm gonna

say like our size is a huge factor i think so you know i still think you're a beautiful woman i think you wear your weight well which a lot of women don't um you're proportional you know what i mean like it makes sense you know um maybe you're too eager maybe enthusiasm is eagerness and enthusiasm is is like poison in los angeles you know what i mean and i hate it because i love liking things and i love being stoked on things but like let's extrapolate the like improv world okay nobody will say that they're absolutely in love with this and this is the only art firm that they could do and like function in because they're it's not that's not cool to be that way i guess you just do improv man yeah and you want to be on here you want to blah blah blah and get there and

do blah blah but like the real shit is is you fucking love this you fucking love this so much why don't we all talk about how much we love this thing you're right because the minute someone's like i fucking love improv you're like god shut up you fucking nerd wow i never thought of it like that and i think that uh you know boil it back up that's everywhere in los angeles like don't like that band too much just go to the show and bob your head like don't be too stoked on like so and so you don't like that band too much. Just go to the show and bob your head. Like, don't be too stoked on, like, so-and-so. You don't want to, like, be too uncool. Yeah, I guess that's like when people are like, don't let them know you're available.

And I'm like, I'm on Tinder where I'm literally having someone go, please swipe yes. That's like not only available, it's desperation. Sure, sure. Like, dating is desperation uh i think it's a i think you can come at dating as a desperate thing but i think that's a mental shift sure that you just got to be like i mean the thing is is like and i think this is true for most of us like the person we're supposed to be with will smack us up beside the head. You know what I mean? Like my dad always talks about he got set up with my mom.

They went on a date. And this is a recent thing that I found out. But they like they went on a date and like hung out a few times. And then there was like a month that they didn't see each other. And he was just like driving around town. And they both stopped at a stop sign at the same time. And he was like, oh, Michelle. Yeah.

I remember Michelle. And then she rolled down the window and was like oh michelle yeah i remember michelle and then she rolled down the window i was like hey tim what are you doing and then he was like i just knew then because the universe presented her to me and i'd almost forgotten fucking christ that is fucking adorable isn't it cute it's so cute and. And that's like, he was like, now I know, man. Fuck. And my parents have like a cutish story. My mom was working her way through college. So she was older because when you work and paying it yourself, you just have to take less classes. It's cheaper.

My dad was, you know, I think he was like the appropriate age as a college student. And he was not great with English because he's like the appropriate age as a college student and he was not great with English. Cause he's like a math and science guy. So my mom started tutoring him and then she, he would like, she would drive him around cause he didn't have a car and she smoked and he'd be like,

uh, you don't smoke in your car when I'm in it. And she's like, this is my fucking car. But then she ended up like quitting smoking for him cause she liked him so much. And then after they, after he graduated, I think she graduated too, he moved to Jersey for a job at AT&T. And then they wrote each other letters every week.

Oh, God. That's so darling. It's so cute. I mean, I still have their letters. But some of them are fucked up. My dad would say such beautiful beautiful nice things to my mom and then go i'll see you at 1 30 and i don't mean the time he meant he wanted her to lose weight isn't that fucked up and i was like you were 130 pounds or somewhere near that and he was not happy

that's incredible that's wild yeah but those are just two people that found each other. Yeah. And like built a care for each other and an understanding and let that exist. Yeah. And it became a thing that blossomed and they really like fucking love. Like when my mom died, my dad was heartbroken. Yeah. Like they used to fight.

But then like thinking back, it was like they fought over the dumbest shit. Like my mother would go get she would get a card sent to her and be like, this is darling. And then spend four hundred dollars framing it. And my dad was like, why? Why are you framing greeting cards? What is so nice on our wall? He's like, what the fuck are you do? And I'd be like, oh, they fight so much.

But it's like they fought over nothing. Yeah. I mean, that's just a money thing. That's not like I don't care about you. That's like I'm trying to save money. Yeah. And then like he would harp on her weight or whatever. But I don't know.

Talking to his like parents, you're like, oh, he grew up in an awful environment with terrible people who are nasty. Yeah. So like, of course, that rubbed off on him. But then like after she died, he like was just the saddest man i've ever met and i do think he died of like a broken heart i think that can happen i mean my dad loves my mom on another level and like he's very vocal about it and he just like lets it be known and my mom like loves my dad but she's always just like you're lucky i'm a patient woman you know what i mean and it's like it's not in my it's like not in my perspective balanced but it is balanced within

the relationship no it is or at least from what i'm understanding it is because uh but the the perfect thing is like and the i guess the perfect or bad thing is that they set a good example of what a relationship is and how you care for another person. My dad would do anything for my mom. He would harp on her weight or whatever, but when it came down to it, anything Bonnie wanted, she got. Bonnie. I didn't know her name was Bonnie. Well, her name was Lily, but her nickname was Bonnie. Isn't that wild?

Yes. Very wild. It's longer. Well, Lily, because that's the name they wanted bonnie was my grandmother's friend not even her like middle name it's just a buddy no her name was uh lily buford barnett no lily barnett buford oh god oh no well she's i'm almost alive longer than she's than i knew her that That's fair. So I'm allowed to fuck shit up. Do you think you've met the person that you're going to be with? Sometimes I do think so. But then then I'm like, no, I don't think so.

And then I'm like, I don't know. Like, I don't I've only felt like a thing once where I was like, oh, I see myself with this person for I don't know maybe the foreseeable future and then it didn't work out and then I was like oh well I had this feeling why why isn't this feeling correct it was not wrong just wasn't reciprocated reciprocal right I mean I don't even know if it was reciprocated like a lot of times things end and you don't get closure. Oh, for sure. It's very annoying. Oh, it's very.

It's a big thing that I still don't know how to deal with. Yes. Or it's just a push down. Like the last chick that I like seriously dated, I was like very sprung on. I was very into and I was felt like she felt the same way and then just like two times over i've gotten the rug pulled out and there's no explanation people like okay i think two dates whatever you don't want me shit but like if we've put in hours and like there's now my part-time job like being with with you, then like, I don't know. Tell me,

tell me something meaningful as to why this isn't working. And you can't hurt my feelings. Cause you're just telling me the truth. Cause on this podcast, I've had people, cause I always ask like, why won't you date me? And people have said some like poignant things where I'm like,

Oh yeah. Yeah. Like in the moment that may have hurt my feelings, but i'm like oh yeah yeah like in the moment that may have hurt my feelings but it would have been nice to know in the moment that maybe i could have worked on it sooner yeah like being emotionally available or like tell me like i'm too ugly for you like i'm even fine with that i would lose 50 pounds in a week if a girl i really like was like you know i don't date you you're too fat dude i think you're great i think you're funny you're just too fat for me i don't want to be seen dating you yeah that might fucking shift a shit in my head but everybody's just like oh i don't know yeah and

i think they're like afraid of hurting your feelings and it's like well you already did yes you already did by like not responding to me or not being because like all right so maybe you tell me one thing where you're like you know what i don't i don't think i have time for a relationship and i'm not ready okay then why are you still texting me they're like you can you could say i don't think i want to date you but i like the idea of you and i still want to talk to you yeah that's like oh okay then great i know that texting you is fruitless and i should do it if I'm okay with that. Yeah.

As opposed to like, I guess I'll text him back. He's like, I don't know. I don't know what he wants. I don't, I don't, he won't tell me. Well, okay. We've come to the time in this podcast. Oh, here we go. Where I reveal that I have hooked up with you, but I haven't hooked up with you. So in a world where we were attracted to each other

and like could fuck and date, would you date me? I think we'd be, I'm going to say no. I think we could for a minute, but I know that we would be awful for each other. And I mean that in like a inhibiting way. Okay. I think we have similar flaws that we would just magnify i think we would eat ourselves to death yes i think we'd eat ourselves to death enable each other to just be like yeah we could have tacos with whipped cream on top i think that's okay i think um but like, I mean, like, we're two people that spend a lot of time together.

I've never been annoyed by you. I've never been offended by you. I did whisper the N-word in your face. And you asked me not to do that. That was me being funny. I mean, I. I truly did. No, I was like, no, did I cross the line?

Oh, God, no. God, no. Great. I'll be sure to whisper it while you sleep. Yeah. I think we'd have like a fun run for two to three weeks. And then we'd realize that we've like been inside for two to three weeks and like haven't left anywhere. Probably doing too many drugs.

Oh, baby, we would do drugs. You know, I think we'd have fun. We could have fun. I agree. I think. do drugs you know i think we'd have fun we could have fun i agree i think but also there's like in a very real world like in my mind you're a friend and you're also like a person i work with which is like it just makes it so much more difficult to even like think of a world where that could exist you know yeah because then there's just like a lot of spider webs like it's just like

too intertwined and then it's just like well if we broke up and then like how to fucking spend 10 hours 12 hours a day together like trying to be funny it's like oh that joke was great why did you break my heart yeah yeah and it would be weird it'd be very weird yeah i think we would be very bad for each other i think Which just kind of sucks, but at least we know. Yeah. I don't think couples can be too much of peas in a pod. No, I need the counterbalance. Yes. I need someone

who'd be like, hey, Nicole, maybe if you were quiet for five minutes, we'd all be happy. I'd be like, oh! Okay, yeah. Maybe I shouldn't be screaming in my backyard at 1am because I have neighbors. It'd be nice. The ideal situation is that you lift someone up with bringing them out in this way.

For me, it's like you help me be a little organized and more conscious about that stuff, and then I let you be a little more loose. That's a balance I want to create. I think we need similar partners. Yes. Someone to just balance out the silly. Because I think we're two silly people who lean into silliness. But we need someone that understands the silliness.

Someone who's not annoyed by the silliness. I've had women be like, you are so weird. And that hurts me almost more than saying you think I'm ugly. Yes. Because I'm not weird. I'm just full of life. Fun and flirty and cool. And you're like so, your mind is so small that my behavior is weird.

Yes, it's weird. And it's like there are weirdos. There are like someone talking to themselves in the middle of the street being like, I'm a pigeon. That's weird. Yes. That's not okay. But like if I'm sitting in a room and I'm like, that's like being silly. Yeah.

Yeah. I worked at Lane Bryant for too long and too long. Just too long. All the girls there would be like, you're fucking weird. They would like talk behind my back and be like, oh, she's so fucking weird. Cause I wear like tutus and like, I just like, I'd wear my hair. Yeah. I was having the time of my life

we would listen to this uh cd on loop so we would like hear the same fucking songs three or four times around like in the day so i would pick a song and do a dance i would be like it's our dance break now and then dance for the whole song and be like god you're so fucking weird i'm like all right it may be weird but like guess what i laughed for like two minutes at this fucking hellhole yeah where we fold underwear that's bigger than people yes like some of those panties are just like are just like truly like fucking tablecloths oh my gosh okay it's we gotta wrap this up hey well this was great thank you so much for doing this of course thank you for talking to me off the clock because we talk all fucking day long yeah

i was actually excited about this because i knew i wouldn't see you tomorrow you'll see me tomorrow i keep saying this maybe my brain really doesn't want to see you oh finally one fucking day without nicole thank god oh man she's just so loud she screams she sexually harasses everyone on the crew i said it's fine thanks i said it's fine you can sexually harass whomever i think it's okay i'm honestly just being playful and i don't actually think i'm gonna like find a boyfriend on a set like everyone's i'm i'm gonna do it i'm gonna find her she's there i know she's there Everyone's taken. I'm going to do it. I'm going to find her. She's there. I know. She's there. She's a little older. You're going to make it happen. You're going to work it out.

You do have competition, though. Do you have anything you want to plug? Follow me on Twitter. Follow me on Instagram. Aunt Jacob Wysocki. Watch the Bath Boys on YouTube. Bath Boys comedy. Jacob also performs live at the UCB Theater on Herald Night.

Your team is called? Yeti. And if you just go to the website, click on Herald Night, you can figure out which team is playing what night. He's also on a show called Loosely Exactly Nicole. It's my show. Very funny. I'm really excited about it. I think it's funny.

I'm pleased with it. I hope you watch it. I should have plugged that first. It's okay. You don't have to. Yeah. You have other shit that first. It's okay. You don't have to. You have other shit going on. It's just one of your many jobs. But truly, Jacob, you are funny.

Thank you. You're beautiful. Thank you. I hope that I can help you become very fat, very brave. I want to get you in that headspace. I'm ready to be a Padawan your jedi master what's a padawan okay so a jedi you know what a jedi is it's uh one of them people with the lights yeah with the lights yes they uh teach somebody to become a jedi and that is their padawan oh okay uh so a mentor

is that better is that I have never watched the stir wars yeah you don't need to I'm not one of those fuckers good it's like oh my god

you haven't seen it I just I don't know Star Wars really loses me with that like robot man and the dumpster that follows him

the gold man that gold sassy man C-3PO and R2-D2 and that fucking trash dumpster that rolls arguably like some of the most important

famous characters in all of history it's like whatever so there's a flashy gold man what is he doing? he's funny and British but he's also super gay why doesn't he get to fuck another gold robot

like a diamond robot they're not designed to i don't think they're like why doesn't he fuck that little trash bin because they're both i can't i can't okay if you like my podcast i hope you know you made it this far i want you to rate it five stars on itunes and if you comment something where you hit on me, I will read it out loud. An example of that is, girl, you so thick and juicy, I can't wait to get up in that booty. Or something like, let me spread them ass cheeks apart and savagely tear your asshole up. Or something like, ooh, baby, your lips are are so sweet i want to flop my dick in between them or something like uh girl i'm gonna fuck you so hard your eyeballs is gonna pop out those are

all just off the dome it's off the dome because i forgot to screenshot some more to read i'm gonna fuck you so hard you feel it in your tonsils yes that's a good one that's a good one that's Jacob Wysocki right there alright Jacob I'll see you tomorrow yeah I'll see you Tuesday I won't see you tomorrow you're not coming in tomorrow I'll see you Tuesday

thank you so much you're lovely bye This has been a Team Coco production.