Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Heartbreak at Homecoming (w/ Garrick Bernard)

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

Comedian and writer Garrick Bernard (Rick & Morty, Solar Opposites) joins Nicole to discuss finding love at BuzzFeed, the awkwardness of audience members hitting on him while on stage, and why homecoming was the worst day of his life. Plus, they explore their mutual obsession for cars. Vroom vroom!  Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single, but I've done too many episodes. Nobody fucking knows. So now I'm just interviewing people and having a nice time.

My guest today is a comedian, an actor, a writer for Rick and Morty, Star Trek Lower Decks, and Solar Opposites. He's the co-host of the Guilty Pleasures podcast. And I found him on Instagram talking about bidets. And it made me laugh. So then I was like, do you want to do my podcast? It's Garrick Bernard! Hey, thank you.

Thank you. What a nice and beautiful rollout. I love that. Well, I was like on Instagram. And then I guess I've just been watching a lot of stand up lately. And then I came across your bidet bit and it really made me laugh. Great. Great.

I'm glad. I'm happy that more people appreciate bidets in general and that the overall consensus has not been like, oh, gross. Why are you using a bidet? And more so like, oh, man, I got back from Japan and I'm never going back. You know, I'm never going back to. I love a bidet. I don't remember when I was first introduced to one. But now all my toilets have a bidet.

And then I just got back from Africa. They have bidets. They have two options in Africa. You can, like, transfer the butt to the bidet or they got a spray gun and that shoots it right up your asshole. And that is my preference. That is, I think that's it. That's the, those are the ones that you kind of just take off from like a sink or something like that. And then you just kind of, yeah, that's good.

That's a good one. That's a good one. Delightful. Do you have a tushy what what is your brand of choice yeah my brand of choice is the tushy because mainly it's just you just gotta be kind of regular um i i do want to get like the heated one um at some point but they're so expensive they're so expensive yeah my friend ph, he has a bidet in the toilet. Like the whole thing is a unit.

I think it's a Japanese toilet. But like when you walk past it, it like says hello. Like the little lid lifts up and it's like, do you want to put something in here? Yeah. And I'm all for it. Yeah. Yeah. That reminds me of Look Who's Talking, Mr. Toilet Man.

It's a really, really bad and random reference. But one of the kids, very, very niche. One of the kids was afraid of the toilet. And a toilet opening up by itself is just going to bring back that memory. So I'm good. I'm good on a toilet opening by itself. But I do love the ones with the heated seats and the heated water. I don't like the heated seats just because I'm like, I don't know

if my butt needs to be warm like that while I'm peeing or, you know, taking a shit. But I do like the heated water. That's nice. That's that's nice. OK, OK okay that's that's rich have you been to it's a restaurant called mo madamo modomo modomo no i don't think i'm saying it right but the guy who did mama fuku i don't know if i'm saying that right david chang i think yeah he's got another restaurant in L.A. He's got toilets with the heated seats and the heated water. And I went to dinner once and I spent a long time in the bathroom. My friend was like, are you OK? And I was like, yes, I was just having a very nice time in the bathroom. Let me just eat in the bathroom. Like, you're not a loser anymore, like in high school. Now it's just like you're a cool person that just enjoys the richer things in life.

I am opulent. Eric, I have a question. Yeah. Are you single? Are you dating? Are you married? Do you not want to say? Those are the only options.

I am dating. I am dating. I've been in a relationship for five years that's a nice time yeah we just moved in together about a year ago yeah and so that's yeah thank you so much how did you meet oh we met at work we both worked at buzzfeed um i was a writer there and she was doing social there and she was coming in right as I was leaving. And I want to say like two weeks before, um, I left, I was like, I got to talk to, I got to say something to this girl. So yeah, I just kind of asked her out.

What was the thing that you said? Um, I don't, I think I, I made her a play. I made her a playlist and i sent it on slack how very buzzfeed of you yeah if you like eight songs on this playlist you have to go out with me yeah yeah no it's the exact manner of that like it and it was like um emo rock type stuff as well so it wasn't even kind of cool it was i was really like going out on a limb there um i think okay so the playlist was titled i'm embarrassing myself by like just showing her my music taste um and she was into it which was nice which was a nice thing to you know kind of have some common ground down and then i

yeah i just kind of walked over to her desk and asked her out but okay no that's not that's it didn't go that smoothly um okay so the first time the first time i went over to her desk she wasn't there um the second time i went over to her desk, her deskmate was there. And she was just like, are you looking for someone or something? What's going on? Why are you kind of just like wandering around? And then the third time, she was there and I just kind of asked her out. Yeah. I love that you stalked her desk first.

Her deskmate's like like can i help you and you're like nope you're the wrong one i don't want you yeah i don't want you you actually gross me out i would rather die no i don't know she was nice um so five years that's like a solid amount of time what was your first date first day we went bowling which i have now realized is terrible for women because they have you know long nails it's really stupid i shouldn't have done that um but we went bowling in koreatown and then um went to like this like i don't even know the name of it anymore It was like a weird like soju bar that was like in a parking lot. Like the entrance was through a parking lot.

Might not be there anymore. But it was yeah, we both lived in K-Town. So yeah, we kind of just like walked around, which is really nice. I mean, in your defense, I don't think bowling is a bad first date. I have nails, but I fucking love bowling. I love bowling. Yeah. Well, it's fun to be like, I'm gonna throw this heavy thing to knock down some more heavy things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I could be the winner or you could be the winner. And it's like, oh, my God, look at us. We're being cute. I like bowling. Yeah. I also like think that nobody should be good at bowling. i like bowling yeah i also like think that nobody should be good at bowling i think that it's either you're you're either like awful at it or you're like a professional guy that's doing like who do you think you are i am that that whole bit but like everybody else you you shouldn't it's it's like a nice thing to kind of say let's go do because just like we're we're both equally bad at this um yeah so let's go embarrass ourselves together yeah bowling's the great equalizer

also top golf i've never done it but it looks hard yeah not a good golf so okay so even with top golf you walk in and then you'll see somebody bringing their own clubs and you're like all right man okay that's like if you go to new york and do karaoke anywhere near the theater district after the show's let out there's somebody from broadway who's like i want to make people's night bad and make them feel bad for not being as talented as me why is that why why is that your thing why do you get off on that stop leave us alone we are mere mortals who don't have the range to hit the back of the room leave us alone yeah it'd be like if fucking chelsea handler put on a wig and went to like an open mic and was like i don't know why these jokes are working yeah it's like just don't do that you're chelsea hamler i okay so one time um i was i was doing a

mic down in i um somewhere probably in koreatown as well um or somewhere on the east side and bill bird went up at an open mic and we're just like what the fuck no stop pretty funny yeah it was No, stop. Pretty funny. Yeah, it was. And it was like right around that the time of that one episode of Louis where he was like, oh, it's like just kind of bounce around and do mics or whatever. And so, yeah, seeing Bilbo at a mic, you're like, OK, this is one, a great learning opportunity. But two, come on, man, you're you're gonna you're gonna make me you're gonna fucking annihilate and then the next person who's like hey i don't know if this joke about the circus works it's like it doesn't bill burr just killed and your fucking circus joke is trash go home yeah yeah exactly we all ran in like just like what the fuck's fucking bill burr on stage right now i i did a show with bill burr

like in the pandemic like when we were heavy in the pandemic and it was an outdoor show and people were heckling him from the other side of the fence and i don't think they know they knew it was bill burr but then he just started talking to them it was very funny he was just like ah i'm doing something here and they're like we don't fucking care it was just wild i love i love when people don't realize that stand-up is going on and they're just kind of being ambushed with jokes and then also they don't know that a famous person is on stage yeah and they're just like i don't fucking care i'm just doing the fuck i want it was very funny yeah i'm trying to go to bed or like they're like standing on the roof you know this is like oh i'm looking at fireworks or whatever this is it's so good it's always so

good it's always so uh humiliating honestly oh stand-up i think in itself is humiliating because it's like it can happen in a theater. That's dignified. It can happen in a club. All right. People are eating dinner while you're trying to tell jokes or it happens on like a parking lot or a rooftop and people just yell at you. They're like, you fucking suck. And you're like, yeah, yeah, I'm yeah, you're right. I'm bad.

I'm bad at this. And you are not in my context bubble. And so you don't understand what the fuck is going on right now. Oh, my God. So wait, when you moved in with your girlfriend, who asked who? Did you ask her or she asked you? We had a couple of false starts. I think we went into like a mutual agreement of us being like,

I think we've been dating for like three years like like we should definitely move in um and then the pandemic happened um and so we're like let's not do it now that's awful and then during the pandemic uh i got cast in um single drunk female uh for so i was gone for like three months and she was like I don't want to move in with somebody and then they're just I'm just alone for a while and so we waited until after that was done and then we had a falling out because of like work and all of that stuff um and and then like waited another year and then we moved in together okay how did you get around her feeling like you would be gone while she was living with you was that just like a thing she came to terms with or i i don't even know that we have met have found like a good common ground but i think it's just like

setting rules on how long um we go without seeing each other and like yeah so it's just like oh if once we get to like a two-week point like we need to go and like i'll fly back home or like she'll come out and visit or something like that um but yeah i feel like that works right um listen i don't know never really been in a relationship i just you know people say things and i go hey that sounds good also i had a lady on my podcast who told me she was like go overseas try to find love i just spent two weeks in africa and i didn't fucking find love the only people who hit on me were people at the fucking uh customs when i was leaving and couldn't go out with them that's when i got hit on and i was like this book

this horse shit this sucks yeah where were you where were you this whole time to get out of the customs line and come talk to me yeah come hang out with me yeah um so wait you so you met at work yeah so maybe i'll meet somebody at work i think that's it i think we gotta stop looking for like oh i'm gonna go and expand my dating pool everywhere no it's work it's your job it's most of the time like just be easier on yourself as far as like where you're willing to look uh i'm the exact opposite of the lady that came on the podcast earlier it's just like don't go overseas yeah she literally was like go overseas overseas. Go to a different country. Go to where you're appreciated. And let me tell you, I was not appreciated in a lot of countries in Africa.

Yeah, don't go there. Especially Kenya. I went with my friend and they loved her there and I was dog shit. But where was I? Zimbabwe people seem to like me. Okay. But truly, I was like, how the fuck are people doing this? How? How? How? me okay um but truly i was like how the fuck are people doing this how how how how are they finding love when they don't even have the cultural touch points of someone from kenya that's weird that's

weird and it also like your your friend you know i mean i'm sure she's a a nice lady but she's not finding love out there she's finding guys who are just like oh passport you know like i don't i don't know i don't know that's it's rude to say but i i i am um caribbean and so like my family uh we go back there all the time and people hit on my sister a lot every time we're back there and most of the time they're like oh i just want like a uh i want an american or something like that or i'm trying to get over to the States. Where in the Caribbean are you from? Trinidad? Trinidad.

Yeah, you got it. You got it on the first try. Oh, I know. It's because I'm looking at information my assistant dug up on you. Nice. Sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got it.

My family's from Barbados and nobody hit on me when i went to barbados oh my god they're losers they're loose what's going on what's going on i don't fucking know hit on nicole please it's all i fucking want um okay so you've been living together for two years. What is like, what's like the hardest thing about living with a partner? I'm not messy. She is messy. And she like not messy to the point of like, oh my God, I'm like stepping over stuff. But, you know, I don't want to say I'm like organized, but I just like coming in and things are where they're supposed to be.

The last place I left, you know, I think as a kid, I had a big problem with like losing things. And so I always tried to like put things in their place so that i didn't lose anything and or i remembered where they were um and so it's a lot of me like just kind of or not a lot it's enough of me just kind of picking up after her and like putting things back yeah but like that's that's like not enough to be like annoying is it like just a cute little quirk yeah it's just a cute little quirk? Yeah, it's just a cute little quirk. It's just it just is what it is. It's like differences. And yeah, I think that's it. And then just me being having to leave every so often. And so like sometimes I'll work during the day and then like, oh, I got a show.

Like, oh, God, here we go. You know, like that. But other than that, it's been it's been nice it's a nice this is my first time living with somebody and this is it's i get why people do it you know i get i get it moving together i see what everybody talking about all right okay so your mom sent you to school in a uniform even though your school didn't have uniforms did that make you a hit with the ladies or do people make fun of you i don't know when i how you got that information but yeah yes no no it didn't make me a hit with the ladies cheers god i i want to say i felt when things started going better for me and it was in 11th grade around march

around march 11th grade and i was like what what is this what is this energy i'm feeling it's different i'm being treated differently um but i think i just yeah stop wearing a uniform or but yeah no yeah i so i i went through all like like uh i don't want to say private schools but the my first public school that i went to was in fifth grade. And I'm just now coming off of, you know, going to uniform, wearing uniform schools. And my family were like, they were very used to not having to buy a wardrobe or anything like that. So they just sent me to school with the uniform. While everybody's just wearing normal clothes. And I'm like, okay, yeah, this is it.

This is it. I'm done. I'm done. I'm like, okay, yeah, this is it. This is it. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done here. My social life is over. Why on earth would this work for me? And, like, in L.A., like, I mean, I'm sure in any city, every school is a feeder school for another thing. And so everybody would just, like like disperse from that school and I would just

go to the next grade and it would just be like one or two people from that school that'd be like oh that's the dude that used to wear a fucking uniform and then I was just a uniform kid that also like you know you couldn't really wear like clothes. Well, I didn't have a lot of practice in it. I had no fashion sense. So, yeah, I was just like the dusty kid for a while. Very funny that your parents were like, this is a thing that we're just not going to deal with. You're just going to fucking wear a uniform and get the fuck

up over yeah yeah yeah yeah very very very disrespectful to your job it's funny yeah it's it is in hindsight hilarious hindsight like that is the best bit that they've ever played on me um other than never uh supporting my dreams oh. Like, well, do they support them now that you like work? Yeah. I think now that now that I have now that I can, you know, live on my own, I feel like or once that started. Yeah. They were like, OK, well, I guess this is just what you do.

I don't want to look into what you do, but I guess that's cool. You know? Yeah. I mean, my grandmother from Barbados, I don't know, five years ago asked me if I was going to go back to college. And I was like, I'm doing oh, I'm doing good. I don't need to. I'm busy. She was like, don't you want to be a lawyer or something?

I was like, no, I make I'm working working i'm doing it i i make lawyer money is that yeah much yeah without doing court shit and without the degree and yeah i mean i didn't get a college degree and i never heard the end i still don't hear the end of it they're like don't you want to get that degree and i'm like nobody's asked me for it nobody has said can i can I see it? Can I see that paper? Nobody gives a shit. Yeah. It's like truly like the most West Indian thing. What you're saying is the most West Indian thing I've ever heard in my life.

But like my, I was, I love cars. I love working on cars. And my work. What kind of car you got? I got a Honda S2000. Little2000 little little old old bitty no s2000 that's the two-seater the two-seater yeah two-seater do you have a is it a soft top soft top yeah okay i know that car they stopped making that in like the mid-2000s they did damn hell yeah hell yeah yeah i i thought it was yeah i thought it was the the hatchback uh civic that's why i asked at first but that's the si i like cars

fuck yeah i don't know the ins and outs of working on them yeah but yeah i like them fuck yeah hell yeah um yeah i'm glad glad that you even know about it like most of the time when i say s2000 it's like is that the toyota or whatever it's like no no they're thinking of the toyota spider i don't remember the model um but yeah that's a fun car it's a fun car it's really fun and i've i've done i've brought it to a level that i like. And I did it in my parents, um, in their yard, essentially. And I'm working on it the whole time. I'm doing all of this stuff. And my parents didn't know that I was like capable of, of all this, like train, train,

changing transmissions and all that stuff. And I did, I finished and my mom was like oh wow you you really i mean if you want you could become a mechanic i was like mom i'm on television i was just i'm on television i don't know what to tell you i don't know what else you need but i i think that was like a breaking i'm on tv i'm on TV. I'm on TV. Oh my goodness. That's so funny. I have a Mitsubishi 3000 GT. Nice. And what is she? She's a 94.

I wanted a 98, but the 94 is the same. Nothing's too different. I think 93 was the last year that the headlights bounced up. I was like, I don't want that because I don't want to fix that. Yeah. When it inevitably breaks. Yeah. but i fucking love driving it and every time i drive it um i'm like how come people aren't looking around being like cool car right right oh god you realize that shit's so quick where you're like oh this is just for me and other dudes nobody gives a shit

it's like you you gotta come to peace with it it's just like oh you're looking around like i did all of this and they're like okay cool man it's not a tesla okay what is your all-time favorite car all-time favorite car oh god um i love porsches like like the the new gc3 rs that just came out it's pretty crazy i did the uh so they have like the porsche driving experience. Yeah, yeah. It's so fun. I think everybody should do it. It's like the most fun I've had. And there's like so much technology in the car, but it feels like one of those 90s Hondas where you feel so connected to it,

which is really nice. So probably one of those, the GT3 maybe. All-time favorite. Yeah, that's like the craziest thing I've driven, I think. And I'm not the type to be like, oh, I'm going to go look at this car. It looks so cool. That's my dream car. It's like I have to drive it first because, um, there's,

there, there are a good amount of like super cars that are fun to look at, but pretty boring to drive. You know, I, my, I own my favorite car. A Mitsubishi 3000 GT is my favorite car ever since I was a little kid.

Um, and the reason because it was a moderately priced Japanese sports car that was affordable for everybody. Yeah, yeah, that's great. And not necessarily the fastest, but like, it'll get you, it'll get you somewhere. And it drives fine. I wish I, I don't really know how to drive a stick. I can if someone put a gun to my head, I understand how to do it. But I was like, I don't want to buy it to learn on it

and then like ruin the transmission. And then, but I might get a geo tracker or a Suzuki sidekick because a lot of them come in a stick and I'm like, I like it. It's a cute little,

it's a cute little truck. And maybe I'll learn on that. The little key trucks as well. Yeah. If you go to Vegas, I don't know the name of it, but there is a track that you can drive around. Have you done that? No, I haven't done that, but I've heard about it. I think it's the Las Vegas Speedway.

I think that's what it is. Yeah. And yeah, they let you open up any kind of supercar and all that stuff. I drove a Ferrari. You drove a Ferrari? And it was, oh, it was great. I'm sure. I'm sure.

So I was the only woman there. It was just like a bunch of guys and me. And I was the only one who was like, are you guys fucking excited? I think everyone was trying to be cool. I was like, no, I'm tri'm tripping like i've never sat in a mclaren like that's fucking cool that's so sick it's so incredible and then um my friend sashir went with me she was like yeah i was with the wives and she was like i put she was like i was like standing with them and they were like oh that's my husband and so she was like that's my

friend she's having a good time and they take you around the track once in a porsche in a porsche what is it cheyenne or cayenne um the little suv and then the guy goes do you want to go fast and i'm like yeah and these like guys with me were like sure and then we went so fucking fast and i was like we and these men didn't seem excited and i was like what are you nervous you don't have to shift all these cars they'll be automatic or you can shift um and i was like so don't worry about it and then the guy coaches you through curve someone sits with you yeah they coach you through they tell you when to speed up they tell you when to slow down when to hit the brakes and then he's like we can go as fast or as slow as you want some of these people are going so fucking slow i was speeding past

people i can't recommend it enough yeah oh i'm doing it i'm doing it it's so fucking fun that sounds so dope that's like that's the that's the dream that's the you want to have you drive around la and there are like you know ferraris everywhere it's just like yeah but you can't drive it you can't drive it you can't do what it's meant to do you're you're literally putting a muzzle on um yes a giant dog or a giant horse or whatever you're not doing what it needs to do it's bored yeah whenever i see a hellcat i'm like why would you buy that for like your everyday car oh my god that's literally insane oh also you can go drifting in a hellcat oh out there yeah so like they won't let you drive it but but someone will do it for you. You get to just like sit in the back seat.

That's so cool. Sashir didn't want to do it with me, so I didn't get to do it. Damn. Damn. Sashir, what's going on? Sashir, like you don't want to have the time of your life? I know. She was like, I'm scared.

Garrick, real quick, we have to take a break and we're back garrick can i ask you about a woman a girl who you asked to homecoming and then said yes but then she turned around and went with somebody else how did that how did that make you feel um that was one of the worst days of my life uh god so this is pre-11th grade i want to say this is around 10th grade maybe 9th um no for sure 10th grade. And yeah, I really, really, really like this girl. And I think I was just doing like the, you know, I'm just going to be her buddy old pal for as long as it takes, you know, and kind of like turtle my way in there, I guess. I think it's just because I didn't say how I felt, you know, like you kind of have to let people know or else they're just going to be like, oh, you're really nice. And so I went out on a limb, asked her to homecoming. She said

no. And I was like, okay, totally fine. She said no, because she was going with somebody else. She was like, I'm sorry, but I'm going with this guy. She or like they had a falling out, I feel like. And she was like, I'm not going to homecoming with him anymore. Would you like to go to homecoming with me? And I was like, oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. No, why not? Why not?

And we went to homecoming together. And then I saw them making out like on the dance floor at homecoming. And I was just like, okay, yeah, this is my, my own little fucking indie movie. It was devastating.

Oh God. That fucking sucks. Yeah. Yeah. And so you, I don't know. I don't think I've like, yeah,

you just get heartbreak so early in life that you you're like all right well i guess this is just a thing that i have to get used to you know yeah you're like okay so life is just gonna be more of this more people hurting my fucking feelings? Yeah, yeah. Sounds amazing. Sounds awesome. So, like, when did you start dating dating? Was it high school? Or do you consider yourself a late bloomer? I consider myself a late bloomer.

Blue man? I don't know. I don't know why I went for that. Anyway, I, yeah, late bloomer. don't know why i went for that anyway um i uh yeah late bloomer i think i want to say um second first year college yeah first year college first first and a half i want to say yeah um is when i like really like just kind of started stop being like scared i think i just started hanging out with um some of my friends from high school who were a lot more adept in talking to women than I was and it was a lot of me being a wallflower and

then them like kind of pushing me into a situation where I'm just like oh I like this girl and then they're like great and then go talk to her or like oh my homie over there thinks you're cute and it's just me in the corner just like oh no man I'm the homie and I think you're cute sorry about it I'm so sorry

you know but yeah I want to say like yeah first year of college freshman year of college was is when things started going a little bit and now that you're on television do you and you do stand-up do you chuckle fuckers i ask all stand-ups this because i'm always very curious um so yes and no i think it it's it's not like people who have followed me from show to show or something like that or or like you know uh been like oh are you going up at this place i would like to meet you in person i've never seen that but after shows uh or while on stage i have been hit on a couple of times and that's that's about it you've been hit on on stage yeah yeah yeah how does that go down so that was

this one was like weird where a girl okay so one one moment that sticks out um i was i was on stage in indianapolis um and asking people like getting doing the crowd work thing up top and all that stuff. Asking people, like, what they're doing. What are you doing in Indianapolis? What are you doing here? Somebody said, oh, I'm on a blind date. I was like, oh, cool. How's it going?

She was like, it's going all right. I was like, oh, what's all going she was like um it's uh it's going all right i was like oh what's all right i mean it's fine do you want my number though and i was like whoa like in front of the poor guy's face oh it's like that's oh that like and you like immediately after that happened you just get that flashback of the heartbreak from homecoming and you're like oh no this is me but i'm the i'm on the other side of it now oh no what did you say i said no like that's so rude like why would you do that? You just broke this man's spirit. He's gonna be a red pill on Reddit now. Congratulations. I mean, at least he dodged a bullet.

He knows that she's a bitch. Yeah, she's an asshole. Yeah, good for him. What a fucking nightmare. That's wild. That is truly so wild to do right in front of the date wait you said you've been hit on a couple times on stage what do you remember the other ones no i the other times have just been like someone being like oh look you're cute or whatever um or me i like me doing

like a self-deprecating joke um about being lame and then somebody like yelling from the back being like, oh, you're not, you're not at all. I love you and all that shit like that. And I'm like, oh, well, thank you. That's so funny. People are like, we can't let the pretty person be sad. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. Stop. Stop doing that stop let let let people be sad for a moment i i don't know i don't and don't feel like you owe anybody that you find attractive anything you know that's very funny yeah. Don't let the pretty person be sad.

We can't. We got to save him. We got to save him. No, no, he could not leave this place feeling bad about himself. It's like, why? That's like fat jokes. If you're like on stage, you're like, I'm fat. They go, no, you're not.

And it's like, then what am I? If I'm not fat, you tell me what i am what is it you want to let me you you is there something i don't know um i have a question you went to lmu for two years before dropping out what is lmu where is that laura merrimel that is in New York? It's in Westchester it's in LA Oh okay so you went for two years For mechanical engineering Why did you drop out? Were you like I don't want to engineer anything

What is mechanical engineering? It is I mean the car shit honestly I really wanted to get into like engine development And figure out how that worked. And that was what I heard was the path for it was mechanical engineering. And so I studied that for two years there. And I got an internship out in Fontana at a Ford plant, I believe.

Yeah, I believe it was a Ford plant. And I got to see what my job was gonna be and it was just somebody um on ECAD which is a uh a digital like digital rendering um of like you know rods and pistons and all that stuff and it was just somebody doing stress tests which is like just seeing how strong a piece of bar is essentially. And I was like, oh, if this is going to be my life for the next four years, I really need to figure out something to do, you know, like some kind of outlet because this is going to be awful.

And then I kind of was just like, I would think about like what I kind of just did naturally, which was kind of make jokes. My family is funny. And then I just started going to open mics, because I wanted to do improv, but improv was expensive. And I just kind of went to... Isn't it wild how expensive improv is?

Improv is so expensive. We're all making shit up. Yeah. When I say, would you like orange juice it's my hand my hand in a c-shape pretending to give someone orange juice and they go give me four hundred dollars for that and you're so expensive you're like there's no props at all it's like i who am i paying for and then you you get to know the teachers after like you know you've been doing uh you've been in the industry for long enough. And they're like, oh, yeah, we don't get paid much to do that.

And so it's like, okay, so why is it $500 per class? Because the building you're making shit up in is expensive. And they got to pay the rent and they won't take uh pretend money uh yeah i coached improv for a minute and i made barely any money and i was like oh we gotta we gotta figure out something else to get some cash coming in it's tough yeah it's awful and you're like it kind of feels like exploitation in a way. It's pretty wild. Here's a question that you may not have the answer for, but I cannot figure it out.

So the Ford Bronco, I think it's years 64 to 72, is like the most popular model. It's coveted. Usually you find them covered in rust. You got to like rebuild them from the frame up yeah but there's companies that license bodies from ford do you know how that works um no so okay so i know that there are like different companies that will literally reach out and say hey to ford and or or i um the one i'm like basing this off of is a singer they do porsches they do like really old porsches and they just take them from the ground up and so they'll find either a restored porsche or they'll like ask them to just give them the frame of this year and they'll just build it up from there and so like because they

have like a relationship as like at like an official modder or official modding company um yeah they'll like the company or ford or one of the big places will just send them the frame which is what they want in the first place because all they would do is like find a bronco and then strip it down to yes it's bare metal yeah to just the frame and rebuild like the the chassis and all that shit yeah i went to like one of the oh i can't remember the name but it's based in atlanta i went to their factory yeah and look they're all they're fucking cool but i was like yeah how are you getting bodies like i don't get it yeah and then i'm like also what's the crash test on this is it gonna fold up on me and i'll pass away yeah you might you might you fucking might also they're

so expensive yeah they're like two hundred thousand dollars and i'm like oh for a car to drive and they're like but it can't be your everyday car and i'm like oh to for a car to drive and they're like but it can't be your everyday car and i'm like but if i spend two hundred thousand dollars on a car it better drive me around every fucking day it better fucking drive me around every day this is so you're out of your mind so fucking bad yeah yeah also i i want uh what is it a suzuki jimmy but they suzuki doesn't make cars here anymore and then I looked into importing it from Mexico and apparently that's a nightmare it's hard I want the cars I want I can't have yeah yeah oh my god the um the r34 gtr the the the car that Brian drove in the second

fast and the furious yes the silver and blue. That just became legal here to import. And I hope, Nicole, the way I'm like waiting for the prices to drop down from $130,000. I want one real bad. I wonder if they will drop. I mean, probably. I feel like if interest doesn't like stay then it will

i love the the eclipse that he drove in the first one yeah the 10 second car yeah yeah and then i love dom's car the rx8 yes uh which they i mean they still have it yeah uh but it's just not the same as in the 90s yeah the 90s was a beautiful heyday for japanese sports cars the best time for japanese sports cars i like even the the the european jetta that jesse drove i was the white one i was like yeah i'm into, I'm into that. I'm into that. It's a little boxy, but I like it. I like it. I like it. I love that whole run from Fast and Furious 1 to, I think, 3. All the cars in there. I love every single one of them.

They're all fucking beautiful. Oh, my God. There's a Nissan in it that the guy who punches Paul Walker's character's character that's i can't remember the model but that's also lovely also the the scene where they're doing the first race and then all the cars disperse it's like eye candy yeah yeah just a beautiful treat for your eyes to be like oh what's that oh what's that oh yeah oh my god it's the it's the best and like i want to blame um i want to blame fast and furious for why they're so expensive like you that the same the same mozzie you were just talking about like they they're still

45 000 if you find one clean like and the engine in those are they're rotary engines and so they they go bad pretty often because it was like a new design and then they're just hard to like kind of find somebody that would work on them on that engine and so there's just like a lot of them that just kind of blow or the the engine will just blow and so you're like okay well i'm buying this just because of dominic teretto um and just because he drove it but i can't drive it because it only it's a ticking time bomb you know yeah i only drive mine i only drive my mitsubishi every now and again because i took it in to a mitsubishi dealership and they were like we can fix it but like you should find someone who specializes in 90s japanese sports cars and

i was like oh yeah oh yeah i'll find somebody yeah um because i wanted to switch the engine out into something bigger and they were like no we can't do that. And I was like, oh, okay, cool. Thanks, guy. Thanks, guy, whose job it is to know. I also got it from Indiana. And they were like, why? Why this car? And I was like, because it's my favorite car growing up. And then they, because it has like original tires all like all original uh the radio's

everything's original in it yeah and i asked them about it and they're like oh well it was kept in a garage and it was this this woman's son's car and then she said that he stopped driving it and she would drive it every saturday i was like oh my god did this woman's son die oh god and it's just like the saddest story you're ever telling me about my favorite car yeah could you please let me know i need to like pay my respects i guess yeah is my car haunted by the ghost of like a varsity football player yeah yeah yeah yeah he's like taking it out one or not taking it out one night or like he won the championship game. And so he was in the back of the pickup and then that got hit.

And you're like, what the fuck? I don't know. Cool. Yeah. Thanks for the car, man. Oh, OK. Real quick. We got to take a break.

gotta take a break does your girlfriend share your love of cars or does she just uh listen to you when you talk about it yeah she just listens yeah she's she's not into it at all she's like oh i mean cool cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Sometimes I'll notice her like fading onto her phone. It's literally, I know nobody can see this bit, but it's just like somebody slowly, as you're talking, slowly putting their phone up and then you just hear TikTok start. And you're like, okay. You're like, oh, okay, I guess're like oh okay i guess we're done i guess

i have a new favorite car that i i took this guy that i was dating to go visit it and he was like oh that's he was like oh i thought like we would do something else after and i was like oh no i just know it's parked here and i wanted to show it to you that's sick because well okay here's why i think it was imported from mexico because it's a volkswagen golf but a pickup oh nice oh that's so cool that's so cool yeah yeah i was so excited to find it and then i found it parked and i was like oh well now i know where it lives yeah yeah yeah let's go look at it let's go look at this little weird car and we went and looked at it he was like okay so what do you want to do now and i was like oh talk about it um talk about how cool

it is like that we got to see that yeah and sometimes we'd be on the phone and i take to get my nails done i'll take the longer route to go visit it yeah and we we'd be on the phone and i take to get my nails done i'll take the longer route to go visit it yeah and we would like be on the phone i'd be like there's the car okay i mean that's a good date that's a good day what do you mean imagine imagine if you go you saw a fucking pickup golf it's a car that's not supposed to exist it's not supposed to be here it's not supposed to be here and then you just get high and look at this little thing like scoot around that's sick looks insane yeah yeah it looks so crazy like what one of one of my like little car buddy like eventually like you post enough on instagram that

you start to accumulate people who will send you car stuff and he his younger i think his younger brother just bought a maz an old mazda speed where it's like you were like you're driving the car and your passenger is this close to you, like shoulder to shoulder. Inside you. Inside, literally inside of you. And somebody, the person he bought it from put a turbo on it.

And so it is literally something that weighs, I think less than a ton with like 300 horsepower. And so you're like, you're driving a motorcycle. You cannot control it. And he has this one picture that is so fucking funny of his younger sibling just like driving the car and like screaming out the window because he's so terrified it's that is so funny yeah yeah you're in a pod that will essentially kill you eventually and yeah that's sick oh i

fucking love it we've talked too much about cars i should talk about dating okay uh what do you have any advice how okay if someone was to like say you're single and someone was to hit on you how would you want to be hit on oh um just approached in general i'll take it from there i'll take it just a hi hello and uh i got it don't worry and we got it yeah because i i feel like people are so people don't know that men like to be approached at all because we're like seen as fucking monsters all of the time um and like a cat cawley mom and we are we i'm not gonna i'm not gonna like shy away from that men are bad for the most part. But like, I like there was there was this one video going around of a woman just going up to men and being like, you should smile more. And then the guy just smiled.

He's like, oh, I'm sorry. I smile because like, it's just nice. And so like being approached is honestly the sickest thing of just being like, hey, I like your vibe. It's like, I like your vibe that you actually came up and talked to me. Because I don't want to, you know, be the aggressor all of the time. And rejection sucks. See, I was told that if men want something, they'll get it. And then it's a turn off to like hit on somebody.

No, that's fucking bullshit. You got like hit on somebody no that's fucking bullshit you gotta hit on people that's fucking bull i think it's where we're we're getting to equal playing fields on in the dating field at least more so um i yeah i genuinely think it's just approach to go after what you want all right i guess that's fucking good advice what other advice you got what uh um um be interested in the other person like i i it feels more cliche but like a lot of people try to be as interesting as possible but like i i genuinely feel like when you're trying to carry the conversation be more interested in what the other person has to say than you like putting on airs and being like oh look look at all this thing look at you know look at all the baggage that i have or

look at all the accolades that i've collected it's just like no what do you want to know about that other person and actually make them feel like they're interesting um because that's I don't know it's it's how you get to know people you know you don't want people people want to be known sure but like I genuinely think that the best way for people to get to know you as well is by um being making the other person feel like the most interesting person in the room you know i think that's actually really good advice oh sick because if you like somebody yeah you should be like oh even if you're not super interested it's like well this is an interest of yours so like tell me more about it i like i like that you like a thing yeah tell me about that thing yeah what's what actually draws you to it in the first place you know so it's like let

me get to know your thought process rather than like you and it's in and of itself you know that yeah i really like that like i have a friend who's really nice to me about so like i like cars obviously yeah and i bought the it wasn't consumer reports i think it was like car and driver magazine yeah they had one with like all the 2024 models yeah and i was like oh so then i was reading it and every now and again i'd be like hey so sheer did you know we're only down to three subcompact cars which i think is pretty wild because who needs all the room and she would go oh how many subcompact cars were there before and then i would go well the civic was considered one before they made it bigger in the redesign in the late 90s. She doesn't give a shit.

No. She has never cared one time about this interest of mine. But she was like, she's really excited about this right now. So I'll ask questions so she can tell me things that excite her. And I think that's nice for a partner to do. That's what I want. I want a partner to do that's what I want, I want a partner to do that yeah, you need a partner that'll ask you questions

about cars and about consumer reports why not yeah, why not you deserve that that's what I deserve you deserve somebody that's gonna ask you questions what the fuck what the fuck

oh boy, Garrick, do you have any friends you got any single friends are they all comics they're all comics they're all fucking psychotic yeah they're all psychos i'm so sorry every time i ask somebody asks you have any single friends and i'm like well i mean if you're into people who are on the brink of a psychotic break, then sure. Do I have the man for you? A fine narcissist who was bullied in their youth and now has women throwing themselves at them so they don't really understand the worth of people? I got that person for you. Oh, my God.

I've got them in spades. Oh, Garrick. is happy i'm sorry i've maybe maybe give him four more years. It's a newish marriage. Newish marriage. Maybe like once my nephew starts talking back and they have to like have a whole conversation about that. And that could start fraying the relationship. I'm not being a stepmother.

I can't do that. That sounds like one of the worst things i can think of it is a kid going you're not my mom and i'm like and i don't fucking want to be do whatever you want yeah i i'm just laughing at the fact of or like the idea of you wearing a shirt that says i'm not i'm not the stepmom i'm the mom that steps up Mom stepped up. I'm not the stepmom. I'm the mom who stepped up and is in their life. I would never. I would be like, I'm the mom who stepped out.

Don't talk to me about this child. I'm done. I'm not their mom. I don't want it. Yeah, leave me out of the conversation. I don't want to talk to them. Does your girlfriend have any male friends who are nice um she does have a brother she does have a brother um he's 41 maybe okay yeah yeah yeah yeah does he live in la he does live in la he lives in LA? He does live in LA. He lives in Long Beach. He's nice.

Okay. Tell him about me. Tell him that this stranger woman you just met, who's horny, is looking and she'll drive. I got a car. I'm under my mileage on my lease. I'll get out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah. I'll tell him. I'll let him know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. I'll tell him. I'll let him know. But I currently have COVID, so tell him he's got to wait at least five business days. Okay, all right, all right. Got to wait for that standard shipping to come through on your date. He can't have express.

Uh-uh. No, we got to just wait on it. Uh-huh, uh-huh. We got to wait. We got a good amount of time all right garrick we've come to the end you're fucking delightful i'm glad i came across your instagram will you do you uh-oh how do i end this podcast do you have anything you want to promote yeah yeah um i have my my podcast uh guilty pleasures umasures with my buddy Kelsey Dara

and Zach Kornfeld and then I am at the Helium in St. Louis on February 2nd through the 3rd Have you been to that Helium? I have not. Have you? It's so fucking fun. I've had some of my favorite shows there Oh hell yeah. I'm excited

Oh man There's this older couple that goes to shows there. They like randomly came to mine. They didn't know who I was. They sat front row and I had a blast with them. I wish I could remember their name. I was talking to their daughter on Instagram for a while. Really?

What a funny memory. That's sick. Yeah. They were like, my parents love you. They just don't have an Instagram to talk to you. And we talked for a couple of years. I wonder how they are. Anyway, I asked all my guests this to you and we talked for a couple years i wonder how they are anyway i asked all my guests this i've only missed it a couple times mars just reminded

me would you date me yeah yeah of course of course we can talk about cars the whole time why not all right that's nice well garrick thank you so much for being here um if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it rate it subscribe give me five stars on apple podcast and if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com i will read it okay this person said, finest Egyptian lotion. Dear Nicole, first I would rub your body down with the finest Egyptian lotion. From there to keep you in a state of passion and confusion,

I will sing at you Toto's Africa while using your humble bosom as bongos. Just after a solid four hours of passionate and interesting love making we'll end the night cuddling with 37 and 48 cents worth of taco bell swapping dead parent stories and enjoying sonic 2 that is what a perfect, perfectly worded, perfectly written, disgusting thing. This is one of my favorites. Passion and confusion.

Passionate and interesting. Yeah. It's like it's not good, but you'll talk about it. You'll talk about it. You'll think about it. It feels like Drake wrote this. I don't know. but you'll talk about it you'll talk about it you'll think about it it feels it feels like Drake wrote this I don't know I know that's like

a weird thing but no I get it yeah it's like it's close to his voice does that make sense yes I hope Drake listens to this podcast and he's like yeah let me take a stab at this yeah I think he's to this podcast and he's like, yeah, let me take a stab at this. Yeah.

I think he's doing a podcast now. This is Drake. Let's just go with the lore that this was Drake on a burner. This was Drake. This was Drake. Thanks, Drake. Okay. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer. This show is produced by me, Mars, with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a dirty message for Nicole?

Write it to whywon'tyoudatenepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.