Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - His & Hers: Home Decor Compromises (w/ Katrina Davis)

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Comedian Katrina Davis joins Nicole to discuss holiday gift giving, the delicate process of home decorating when moving in with a partner, and her experience being cock blocked by racism. Plus, the story of a forced double date that lead to a car theft.   Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single. But I've done too many episodes. I don't know. It's still a fucking mystery. Get a detective on the case, and I'm just talking to people, having a nice time.

Still single. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who is recognized as one of the top comedians you should know by Vulture and New York Magazine. Her debut special, Figuring Out, was acclaimed by NPR as one of the year's best stand-up albums. I'm thrilled she's with us. It's Katrina Davis! Hi. Hi.

How are you? Oh, I like the scat ending of that. That was nice. Gotta keep it fun. Katrina, tell me, are you in a relationship or are you single? I am in a relationship. I just recently moved in with my boyfriend, actually. Oh.

Yeah. That's so nice. What was it like moving in together? Like, whose idea was it? Or did you come to it together? Well, it kind of naturally evolved to that because we were dating in L.A. And then he moved and we hadn't been dating that long. So it kind of was like that just long enough

where it's like, it would be kind of crazy if I moved right now, but also I really like you and am not really in a place where I'm like, oh, well this like doesn't matter. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't like a casual kind of thing. It was like I really really like this person so then we were long distance for about a year and I was planning on moving

next summer or like this would have been summer 2024 and just kept like visiting and you know just like naturally got to the point where we're like, I want to be with you like all the time. So let's just like be in the same place. And it was, but it wasn't like a big, I feel like it was like a natural evolution of just like being like, okay, this is like not too much. This is just enough. We're moving at a good pace. So did you move into his place or did you get a place together? Well, he lived in it first, but he also kind of got it with the idea in mind that I would end up being here too. You know what I mean? But he was here first.

Okay. Okay. So men have, some men have style. Some men do not have style. How do you go about decorating in a way where like everyone's happy? Ooh. Okay. First off, love decorating, love spaces, love aesthetics, love colors, like all of these different things. So I did in a very like dorky way, love the idea of being able to come into a space like he knows i'm like that he was like you can come like do whatever you want and i was right now in this space it's like pretty i kind of just focused focused on practicality

more than anything is just being like how can i make sure that both like two adults worth of things can fit in this apartment so it wasn't so much like i want to do an accent wall it was like where are all of these clothes gonna fit there are two coat closets in here like i'm insulted um but so it's more i uh really focus more on the functionality um but i, he has a lot of style in terms of collectibles and fun things that he has that are fun to look at every day. So that's kind of an idea I have for the future. It's like different ways to kind of display things that he has that are like collectibles.

And we have multiple wrestling chairs that i have mounted on the wall um wait wrestling chairs yes like okay so if you go to a wrestling match like a bigger one like a wrestlemania or something like that sometimes on like i guess the ground floor they have commemorative chairs okay that have like the faces of the wrestlers and the year and the day and all of this stuff and so we have a lot of those and so i've mounted a lot of wrestling chairs since i've moved to new york okay are they like folding chairs yes they're like folding chairs but then they have um like a design on where your butt would go so you like hang them upside down and then you can see you know what match it's from or whatever but or what event

it's from but that that was probably something that i would not have had to acclimate for in my own space per se that i get it you're not collecting wrestling chairs on your own. Have a fun new edition. But our stuff, it has been fun watching our stuff come together, like my crazy posters and his and being like, oh, let's put this here. And yeah, it's been nice. I can't really fathom allowing allowing some I have a very strong aesthetic I like colors I like patterns um and I have like every inch of my walls have something on them and I'm like I don't know how I would incorporate somebody else's stuff with my stuff yeah so that's such like a a weird thing for me, but I'm trying. I'm trying to like get rid of some of my stuff to keep it open for somebody. Well, I feel like you

wouldn't be able to guess if you have no idea who that person is. Like if you were dating someone right now and you were, had like an idea of even from going to their place,

oh, like I can see how, you know, our things could meld together into something fun kind of thing. But I feel like it'll happen naturally because I like color and pattern, but I also get migraines. So that's the only reason

that I don't do it more in permanent ways is because I have to be able to like go in a room and have it like completely be able to like shut down. You would truly pass away at my home. I my aesthetic is kind of like, are you nauseous? I did it to myself the first time I was ever allowed to decorate my own room. I made everything like baby blue gingham, like picnic check gingham with sunflowers on it loved it couldn't get enough of it then I got my first migraine and went to go lie down and I was like I've made a horrible

mistake and was just like nauseous in my own room and then everything that I ever did after that was like navy and plaid and black like I just kind of got back into like little like bits of boldness or different colors but still trying to keep it muted but I always have like a sickly girl in the back of my head when I'm decorating where I'm like I have to be able to be in here when I feel my absolute worst so I because I do love your space but I could never have a wall like that because I would like get vertigo and fall over at some point. Yeah, I feel like most of my, I truly have wallpaper on every wall. My friend was like,

I think your house is very much Pee Wee's Playhouse for girls. And I was like, I like that. What a delightful compliment. I'll take it. Well, honestly, I think that I make more white space

than my boyfriend would. Like he would hang up way more. He's always buying posters. And I'm like, yeah, that's cool. Where are we going to put it? I'm the one that buys the frames. It's like we don't we're going to it's going to look like a Fuddruckers in here. Like we can't have something hanging on like every inch. But I think he would probably be more like down if I hung even more stuff up yeah I just love things they make me so happy um how did you meet your partner um we met at a show but he's not a comic so it was kind of nice like we both lived in LA at the time but we met in Denver and so I was kind of like hey hey, like, this person's really cool, but also like did not. Was I was there as a comic and didn't want to be like a creep.

You know what I mean? I was like, don't be weird to this person you don't know that also definitely doesn't tell jokes. You know what I mean? Like, what are you doing? Don't be weird. It's just like someone's friend I thought he was the another comics like real life friend that just had you know like a regular job or whatever and just kept finding myself like gravitating towards him and just

never stopped talking after that and then we both lived in LA so then like when I got back we kind of just like never stopped talking and over the course of like but I was also dating someone when I met him oh but it was also kind of like already on its way out kind of thing like it was kind of like you think you want to break up with someone and then you meet someone and you're like oh shit I need to break up with you like yesterday and how did you break up with that person? This is juicy. I mean, like I said, the only reason I feel like as comfortable even saying it

is because I was like super already going to break up with this person. But we were, we like met up. Oh my gosh. It was also kind of like painful just because it happened to be like a bunch of things. I wanted to do it in person, but I was really busy and they were really busy and it kept just not working out. And I was like, can we just hang out so I can break up with you? Oh, my God. Like that's like what was going on in my head.

It wasn't like the week I got back or anything, but it was like when I, you know, over the course of like a couple weeks or so after I was like, yeah, like this is like super over. And then we met up and we're just like walking around. And I was just like, hey, so I think we should break up. And he was kind of like more surprised than I think now at this point. He'll admit he shouldn't have been as surprised as he was. But yeah, like like I said, it was just a bunch of things that weren't working anyway and me kind of just taking a really long time like I like to be absolutely sure you know what I mean kind of thing yeah but yeah there were a bunch of different reasons that we just like we're not compatible like we're still cool but it was like yeah no this like super isn't

working I've never broken up with anybody. I've only been broken up with. Do you break? Have you like broken up with a lot of people? Are you like a serial monogamist? What is your dating history? I feel like dating history wise, I was always notoriously like label-less. I, my like, my relationship upbringing is very toxic I was constantly

like in love with someone that was secretly like hooking up with me and like had like sometimes had girlfriends that did not know about me and I would be like I've been hooking up with him for years but yeah sure like this is cool and just being like so desperately in love with people that I would just take any version of them they would give me which was like awful um so I was in love with a lot of people that like were never my boyfriend at all and then after I got um out of college I had like my first real boyfriend who I had known since high school so we like knew each other super well and kind of had always like really clicked, but he was way older. So like that was kind of when it made more sense

to date. And we lived together for five years and then I, we broke up and I did break up with that person, but it was more like, I think I am a breaker-upper because I'm the person that realizes we both don't have to be this way. Like, I end up being with people that are, like, have—also have toxic dating pasts, but in a different way where they're like, yeah, we fight every day, but who cares? And it's like, no, change this. And then they're like, oh, well, I didn't really think about that. It's just like, it's not so much that I'm the breaker-upper because I'm the only unhappy one. It's like I'm the breaker-upper because I just think of it first. And so I guess I have ended a couple relationships, but I really haven't had, like, tons of them.

I've probably broken up with two people and then had, like, my heart broken by people that weren't my boyfriends. Like, double that. At least. Oh, I've had my heart broken by so many gentlemen who didn't even know we had a connection. Who were like, we went on a date and you're talking about this years later. And I'm like, I'll never get over it. Yes.

Like this was only casual on one end, my friend. But five years, that's a solid amount of time. Yeah. How do you, how do you like remove yourself from being a unit? Like what is that like? That's like the closest I feel like, obviously the closest because I've never been married, but that felt like a divorce emotionally because it's's like, you're breaking up with family. Like you don't want to explain, you have to like even wait until you're emotionally

like in a good place to discuss with like the people in your life that you're not together anymore. And like different stuff like that. Like we broke up, but we were in a house and he wanted to save money to buy a house. So like we broke up and I just moved into the second bedroom. So we lived together for like a summer, I think. And, but it was like, and there were parts of it that were really hard. Like I remember he went on a first date while we were in that house.

And we had like a big talk when he came home just because I was like wrecked for like a lot of different reasons, but it was kind of like just be being witness to a lot of things that you probably don't necessarily need to be there for, but it also forces you to be really honest and like talk through things about why you broke up not like oh we should get back together but just being like watching you put in the kind of effort that I wanted you to put in with me to start something new is wild to me and like that being a whole thing um so yeah

that was like a really because I did think I was going to marry that person but just for like weird southern reasons where like I assumed that if I hadn't met like my person by then that I was going to die alone like I resolved that I was going to die alone so much younger than I should have where I was like oh well this is it I didn't marry someone by the time college was over so spinster life for me you know what I mean and so when we broke up I kind of thought that was it and like but it was also just getting into stand-up when we broke up so my first apartment by myself was just like the best like it was just like me going like to art stuff every night and hosting shows and like learning everything you know what I mean about like meeting people and staying up late talking and all of that kind of happened like

as I broke up with this person and moved into my own place and you know did a bunch of other stuff so it was pretty awesome do you think stand-up like kind of filled the void of your breakup where you're like sad but also you're like oh I have this thing that's, like, really cool and new in my life? It absolutely was a part of me being like, I'm evolving into a totally different person that you would never pick to date or marry. Like I there were other parts of me that were changing that didn't align with the, you know, the younger person that I was. And then finding stand up was just another thing that wasn't me like being the kind of partner who like is at home every night at six with like dinner ready. You know what I mean? Like I was just like I never was going to be that person anyway but then I started stand up and I was like oh trying to be this person is impossible like it kind of was a part of me that evolved that also spread me so thin that I was like oh

I'm not the person that you want to be with like and I'm trying to be it and it's not working out for either of us because I'm bailing at it because I'm turning into this person who tells jokes at night and like has a day job and then comes home and changes while green beans are on the stove and then I eat those with Tabasco sauce before I run out the door to an open mic like that's who I'm turning into and that person does not also have like somebody that's like we're gonna have a kid in a year you know what i mean so it kind of was probably a part of it that did make it way more fun but also just way more definitive like i feel like i just get really stressed out when it's like i don't know if we should break up because i'm not miserable with you. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing.

And that made it so much clearer that it was like, oh, no, like I'm a different person now. And this just, you know what I mean? Isn't it, you know, and that's OK. Yeah. I can't imagine dating somebody and waiting till I hated them to break up. I think that's what people do. Yeah. And that's such a bummer because it's like you kind of OK, so I love TLC. I watch 90 Day Fiance. There's a spinoff called The Family Chantel and Chantel and Pedro were dating, got married. Their families didn't like each other and they waited till they hated each other to break up. And at the end, like the series finale,

they showed a montage of them falling in love. And I was like, yeah, people towards the end of relationships tend to forget what they loved about this person originally. And that is so truly wild for me. And I can't, I can't even envision it. It like, it feels so wild. Wait, it feels wild to forget those things

yeah to forget like why you fell in love in the first place and then to like actually hate this person you shared your life with yeah it does i feel like it does take a while to get there but also intimate relationships can bring out like totally different parts of people where like, I wonder if you ask them that question, not ask them or like pose that to them. If they would say like, oh, yeah, I forgot about those things or they would say those things aren't there anymore to them. Because not saying because I don't know that particular couple, but a lot of those people, the thing that you fell in love with them for was like the gateway to independence and personal freedom so it might actually go away and once you're out of like imminent danger or the fear of being lonely even like sometimes it's legit even i fell in love with this person because i was more in love with the idea of them just

being with me and then once you have a little bit of time not being completely desperately alone you're like it's easier to see flaws because you're like not as desperate anymore like yeah after you've been around for a while it's easier to see things in you that like, maybe I could have this void filled by someone who choose with their mouth closed. Like I may like making up a little thing, but I feel like that not necessarily codependence, but just wanting to be in a relationship so bad can also make certain things either appear or disappear. Like negative things you don't see great things you inflate and then once you've kind of gotten out of the emergency mode of loneliness and things kind of even out more you're like oh I don't really like this person that much I was just

bonkers lonely yeah I feel like lately I've been like, oh, I'm so lonely, but I'm trying to like keep my standards up and try to like like if I don't like the way you come at me on the app, I'm not going to respond. Like I'm trying to not be desperate. Because desperation doesn't breed anything good. Oh, wait. Okay. because desperation doesn't breed anything good oh wait okay so i ask most comedians or i think i ask every comedian i have on do you have chuckle fuckers or have you ever had a chuckle fucker uh i have never had one i don't think like i hooked up with someone that wasn't a comic because they were like oh you're funny yeah like someone who's like oh my, you're funny? Yeah. Like someone who's like, oh my God, you're so funny and I want it bad.

No. I think I also am bad at reading that. Like, I feel like the only time I've ever known it for sure to be true was because I just did a field show. And afterwards, people were like very open about like having a crush on you or whatever. But if that was a regular show, I just would have thought they were people that liked comedy. Like there's absolutely dudes that have talked to me after shows. And I'm like, OK, cool. Thanks.

And then I go home and they like like every picture I post for a year. And I'm like, oh, that person was like kind of into me. But real time, I don for a year. And I'm like, Oh, that person was like kind of into me, but real time, I don't assume that like, so no, I've never done anything like that. I don't think I've ever been attracted to a person that started a conversation that way.

Not in a mean way, just like that. No, no. Yeah. That puts me in a professional place for me where I'm not going to try to fuck you. You just gave me a compliment on my job. So I'm going to you know what I mean make sure that you want to come to another show

I'm not that does you know what I mean you like activated the top part not the bottom part like now my brain's thinking the pussy is not activated not at all I was where was I oh I was getting coffee I was in New York recently and I was getting coffee and it was one of those places that also did sandwiches. And the guy who's doing sandwiches was like, oh, what was your sandwich? I was like, oh, no, I'm just getting coffee. And then the woman behind the register was like, she's my customer. And he was like, I wish she was mine. And I just went, oh, I just I'm not used to being hit on. And he clearly was hitting on me. Yeah. And I just made a noise at him. And I was like, oh, my God. Like, when will I ever be normal or chill or cool or just like like I don't know.

I should have just been like, I could be your customer. But like that didn't, that happened days after it happened. I was like, Oh, I couldn't have said that. I just, I don't know how to flirt.

I don't know what to do. I just got good at identifying when someone's flirting with me. It can be hard. I mean, I definitely, if I'm really, really attracted to someone, might be okay flirting with my words,

but probably just as bad where I'm just, like, giggling like an idiot. But I can stare at people, and they can tell that I'm into them. So if I'm, like, really into someone and they're a complete stranger, I feel way too comfortable I fucking the shit out of you. Like, I will, like like go bonkers across a bar but oh my god i wish but i also this was like even when i was single um because i lived alone for like what nine years it was pretty cool like i'm very comfortable alone like anytime anything ended i just assumed that I was going to be alone

for like I was like be prepared to be alone for like at least a year anytime any kind of romantic thing ends but if I because when I meet someone that I like it's normally so intense that it's like this can't happen all the time like I couldn't go around being this attracted to people like four times a year i'd be ill like i can't it's so it's not emotionally debilitating but like the feelings that it emotes it takes like a lot of energy like when you're those first initial attractions are like super intense for me and so it's like i don't need that to happen all the time like i'd have a heart attack i get that real quick we do have to take a break

so okay christmas is coming up. Is do you how do you go about telling your partner what you want for Christmas? Oh, I mean, I'm pretty obvious. I come from a pretty obvious family, so I'm comfortable like I'll send a link. I don't care. But I also have very low present expectations. Like if I want something that bad, I'll get it for myself. So like anything you get

me is like icing. And I kind of like seeing what your partner gets for you. You know what I mean? It's like an opportunity to see what they've been seeing in you and thinking that you like or need. And so it's kind of fun to not give any hints and just see what they come up with on their own. But I've never been like disappointed by a gift. Oh, the only time, and it wasn't Christmas, but my first Valentine's Day with my first boyfriend, he didn't get me anything.

And I cried for an entire weekend. Oh my God. I would be devastated. I'd be like, wait, wait what you got me nothing yo i showed up like with because we were spending the whole weekend together and valentine's day was like sunday so i came on friday night with like all my stuff like i had like just a gift bag and like i think like a balloon or something but like it was my first i'm a freaking dork i've never had a boyfriend.

I finally have a real Valentine. Like, you know what I mean? I was like excited about it. And I show up and he goes, I didn't get you anything. And I was kind of like, oh, it's okay thinking he didn't get me like a gift. Because I was like, I don't care if you didn't get me, you know, a gift. We were like just out of college. So I was like, I don't care.

You know what I mean? And he was like, no, like i didn't get you anything and i was like well valentine's day is sunday and i'm going to be with you the rest of the time so like what was your plan and he clearly did not have one um and yeah and then i cried a bunch it was fine but that's the only time i think i've ever been like i don't care what kind of gifts people get me normally. Fair. I like gifts. I like when people notice things, like a thoughtful gift someone got me was, I had described a book my mother had read to me as a kid, and then they got me that book. Oh, my God.

And I sobbed because I was like, that is the nicest, kindest gift. That's a good one. Yeah. It really, really, like, even now when I look at it, I'm like, God, that was so fucking thoughtful. Yeah. It really is. That's what I mean. Like, things that just you may have not even remembered saying to them.

Like things that just you may have not even remembered saying to them. And then you're like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe you were that dialed in to what was going on in our lives that you were like, oh, I'm going to do this, which I do secretly like doing, too. Like I love like gifts that people will never remember mentioning and then being like, oh, my God, I can't believe you got this. Like that's the best. My best friend, S my God, I can't believe you got this. Like, that's the best. My best friend, Sashir, she likes chairs. So I like finding miniature chairs for her. And she no longer needs chairs. Like, she has so many of these little tiny chairs I've bought her.

But I'm like, I'll never stop. Sorry about it. That's cute. I like that, though. I want Santa to bring me a man. So I've started decorating for the holidays. I don't love holidays. I don't love decorating. Reminds me too much of my mummy.

And she is dead. But what I did was I went to Michael's and I bought teeny tiny little trees to put in my like on my entryway table. And then I found a it's called a perfect man. You put it in like I guess hot milk and it makes hot cocoa but I was like well this will just be my like my wish it's my Christmas trees and my chocolate man and hopefully I'll get a man manifesting is humiliating and embarrassing and I'm trying to manifest I have made two vision boards this year. I look at them constantly and they all say like love and like fucking and sex. And I'm like, when will it fucking come? But 2024 is my year. I am claiming it and I think it's going to happen

for me. I think. I mean, I'm into that. That's all's all I mean I feel like that's all you can do is like put you know the positive energy out there and like make eye contact with people that's like all we truly have and like because I mean now I just want to ask you questions about where you're trying to meet people but I guess that's another podcast no I have been trying so just want to ask you questions about where you're trying to meet people, but I guess that's another podcast. No, I have been trying. So I went to a party with a friend. She was supposed to go with a couple other friends, but they had to bail or something. And I was the backup friend, which is fine.

I don't mind. And I dressed up. I wore a fabulous coat. We were not vibing with the people at the party. I was like, oh my god. I'm out of my comfort zone. I haven't even talked to anybody. She was like, before we go, let's talk to somebody.

We were talking. I was talking to this guy. He had a fabulous jacket. I complimented his jacket. He complimented mine. We were having a great conversation. I can't remember what I said but he threw his head back and laughed and i was like i'm fucking truly crushing yeah and then all of a sudden he's like i'm gonna go get a drink and i was like oh okay okay and then he never came back and i was like

what the fuck what what what do i have to do i was crushing it he seemed so into me and he had to walk away i mean if anything and this is i mean i am kind of a hopeless romantic but it's like he could have been like this is going really well i'm not gonna like burn all this out at one time and like hope because like did you go up to him before y'all left and say like hey it was nice talking to you or like no i couldn't find him oh he disappeared into the party and i never saw him again and then i was like well let's get the fuck up out of here i don't really i'm not feeling anybody else so like i'm trying but it's so hard well like i feel like that's not like a Like, that's, it maybe didn't end the way that you wanted, but, like, that to me is proof that you can be uncomfortable

and still get all the way up to being great at flirting with someone who also is good at dressing. So, like, that happened at a party. And also, I know it's weird, but I've had like weird things happen where like I've been crazy attracted to someone, did not speak to them and then met them again at another event and was like, and I was like, oh my God.

And he looked at me like, yeah, exactly. And we ended up like super making out later. So it's like, as long as you're out there putting your energies out and just keep doing that, like you're going to at the very least just keep meeting people that think you're amazing. Who put the filter out of like, oh, you know who's really great to hang out at this party? This girl I met at another party.

And it's like, it might not be cool jacket jacket but it might be cool jackets friend next year like uh-huh I mean just the fact that you're living life and having fun doing it is I think good enough that you're eventually going to run into somebody that wants to do that like next to you all the time oh I hope from your lips to God's ears. So my assistant does a little bit of research, and she found out that you've dated men who don't want to openly date a Black girl. What is that like? Wait. Oh!

Okay, I had to figure out what she was talking about. I just want to say that I have never done this as an adult. This was like literally the boy I was in love with in high school whose stepdad did not ever approve of you know what I mean that whole thing yeah like that was like the first person I was in love with and I just like you know that was something that was like took so much out of me as a child like as a youth like from the ages of like 15 to 20 was just like so uh draining in a lot of ways but then like I talked to him later as an adult because you like harbor all of this stuff of like feeling like you were never good enough and like just wanting to be

picked by this person and like having all of these feelings for them and feel like they were requited but not like respected and like all of these different things. And then I talked to him one day and he was like, I was just trying to fucking get it in, dude. Like he was like, I was a 16 year old boy. I'm so sorry that like, like he was like, I understand what you're saying now, but I was not in a headspace as a 16 year old boy where I was like, yeah, I'm just out here messing with people's feelings. Like he was like, I was literally just like hooking up with whoever would have me for the most part and like really liked you, but just like did not have the capacity to be where you even thought I was operating from romantically. Like it was absent from my mind. And that was actually kind of freeing in a way to realize that like I was putting so much emotional weight on something that meant so much to me. And it was just not the way that that person thought about it or felt about it. And that's like in a way kind of better to me. Yeah. It was just like, oh, you just like were completely emotionally incompetent compared to where I was. And I was out here being like, we're in love with each other.

Like we will be with each other against all odds. And it was just like, no, like we were kind of just hanging out. It's also truly nice that like, yeah, that he wasn't feeling any sort of way. And it wasn't him. Yeah. Uh-huh. It's also truly nice that like, yeah, that he wasn't feeling any sort of way. And it wasn't him. Yeah. That was that's why I was like, wait a minute. What? And it was like, yeah, I was kind of like, so he didn't have to fistfight people in his own home, but he never cared about it. And like, kind of, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, that was absolutely something that. Like that, I think even added to it was being like, oh, well, like I like this person so much, but I'm just like never going to.

Be able to be and that is something that happens in the South a lot is like people coming up to you and telling you like. Oh, yeah, like I wish I could have dated you but and like this that and the other like I years ago I did it as a joke I was like oh yeah like if you're not like if you're not black and you weren't allowed to date me in high school like dm me and then like a second later was like this hit a lot harder than I thought it was going to. Like people were in there being like, yeah. And like some people that I was friends with that were like,

yeah, my parents didn't say like, I wasn't allowed to date you. But like I told my dad I had a crush on you and he was like, well, your life's going to be harder. Oh my God. Yeah.

So I was definitely getting cock blocked by racism. By these fucking adults from racist adults that's the worst kind of cock block absolutely because you can't it's like hard to circumvent but also it's like if they want to get it in they're gonna want to get it in because that was the thing I like at one point have said on stage it's like I've absolutely like been in a kitchen where someone like threw away silverware after I was done using it but your son still fucked me on your kitchen counter so who really won who's the real loser um I was I was fighting racism in my own way I like that I like that. I like it. Fight it with the pussy. Like, pussies are powerful. Fuck the racism away.

So wait, you owned chickens when you lived in Florida? animals and sorry i'm like immediately going to get into my weird animal right shit because they like they try to keep people from having chickens and so then they tell you you can only have like two to five but they're social animals and they get really sad and it's good to have them in larger groups but side that's a side note but yes i had 12 chickens five of them were named after the Golden Girls. Two of them were named Andy and Ollie after the twins on Bob's Burgers. And then we had to give one of them back because it ended up being a rooster, not a hen, which I don't know if anyone's ever seen a rooster crow for the first time, but it is horrifying. I thought it was like choking on something because it's like a baby still. So they're kind of like awkward.

And I was like, oh my gosh, it's choking because it's like going like this. And then it just went, and I let this really like squeaky bad crow out. And I was like, oh my gosh, that like I witnessed your first crow ever. But also like we weren't allowed to have roosters. So we had to take him back. Why weren't you allowed to have roosters because you're too close to other

people like because they're noisy so you're allowed to have hens but we couldn't have roosters um but it was really cute to see him crow for the first time uh but yeah I love them they were so sweet I only use them for eggs I never ate any of them. Are you a vegetarian because of this? No. Or do you eat meat? I eat meat, but I try to eat a lot less of it. I kind of will go through bouts where I try to wean myself off of it or just eat fish or that kind of thing. A lot because I would buy chicken and they would like run up to me in

the driveway and I would just be like I don't even want to walk past them with this like I felt so bad oh no I was like they were like run into the house funeral procession they were like we'll walk with her and she carries the body of a cousin oh my god no because they were just running up like oh how are you you haven't been here all day and And I would be like, don't look at me, like running into the house with like Chick-fil-A or whatever. Yeah, I felt horrible. But did you live on a farm? No. How did you have room for 12 chickens?

You can just have like a little acre and they have like a whole one side. They didn't really even use the whole yard. They kind of just stuck to like their one side. And as long as they have enough to like, we built like, well, we, he built and I painted. Like as long as they have a place to like sleep at night and lay eggs and, you know, huddle up and be safe from like coyotes or anything that might try to eat them

at night, they're good to go oh that was great that sounds cute it was a nice little life yeah we had like uh he had started a garden at one point we had like vegetables and peppers and like giant sunflowers and a bunch of fun stuff and then i started stand-up and i was like you're like fuck these chickens none of this you have a stand-up bit about not watching porn why don't you watch porn um it stresses me out it's it's that's my new tag for that joke is have y'all seen it they show like everything it's crazy like it's just so much to me. Like I've seen it before and it's like yowza.

Like I even the ones that I've seen, I watch it like, you know how, speaking of TLC, remember when TLC was like all graphic surgery shows? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And they would just like show like endoscopic like everything like that's kind of how I look it's certain views of porn are so just like the human body

that I don't get turned on by it I'm just like yeah that's what bodies do and they look kind of weird when they do it sometimes like I'm I don't put myself there because I can imagine porn likelike things happening. And that to me doesn't make me as uncomfortable.

I just feel like I'm witnessing people. I feel so voyeuristic doing it, even if I'm by myself. It's like, what am I watching them do it for? Like, I'm not even there. I don't know. Is that weird? It's like, what am I watching them do it for? Like, I'm not even there. I don't know. Is that weird? It's not weird. And it does make sense when you actually think about it.

Because it's like, so I'm watching these people do something so intimate. And then I'm supposed to get horny for it. It's wild. I watched a woman, her butthole prolapsed. And it was like a porn blooper. and she was like, my asshole fell out. And I was like, huh, this is, you gotta get that checked out, friend. Yeah, I'm super concerned. I shouldn't be watching this. You're having a medical emergency.

Yeah. And I'm like, rubbing my clit, like what? I have to check her IG and make sure she's still alive now. Like I'm completely dry. I'm concerned now. Like I'm worried. I'm like, did she make it to a doctor? Yes.

I'm looking up like the survivor rate of prolapsed like anal whatever. Oh my God. Yeah yeah i don't know it just like maybe i just wasn't exposed to it or that's just not how my brain works because even when i like first started like diddling and stuff there was never anything visual to go with it it was just whenever whenever I felt like doing it. I used to watch a lot of porn, and now I work from my memory and fantasies that I create. Yeah. And that's been pretty good.

I might get back into porn. I don't know, but I feel like I've watched... Like you have enough logged? Yeah. I got a little backlog where i can sense memory recall things and be like oh yeah and then sometimes like sometimes people will just say things where you're like oh that wasn't sexy that was like weird why did you say that and

then you're like thinking about that and then you're like well now i don't now i'm out of the mood yeah absolutely and you can't get that out of there. Like in your head, once something's like in there, sometimes it's hard to like shake it and like get it out of there. So one of your first experiences masturbating was with a vibrating pen. Yes, but not on purpose. yes but not on purpose like okay do you remember those like squiggly pens that would chain like you had like a bunch of different chambers of different colors on the end but it like lit up and like vibrated because so you could like write crazy with it i act like i was like coloring and just accidentally like dropped it to switch out because I used to color a lot.

So I would have like a lot of different stuff out. And so I just like dropped it and was like, oh, I want to color with this thing over here and like leaned forward into it while it was on and was like, oh, OK. So this is what I do at 430 every day now. And we're just like rest this little vibrating pen. That's so, I really love people's like sexual awakenings or discovering that like, oh, that feels good. I should do that more. Yes. that more yes like I relate to every woman that ever sat on a rickety washing machine like whatever that old like discovery is relatable yeah I I don't remember I think I just like I

think I read a book about a girl rubbing herself on a couch and I tried it and I was like that did feel nice and then I was like in Spencer's and I was like, oh, a vibrator. So I stole a vibrator. And then I was like, well, this is it. I like this. And I always wonder, my sister's room is next to me. I was like, I wonder if she ever heard me. But that's such a weird conversation.

Because how old were you when that happened? I was like 12. What? Yeah yeah i stole a vibrator from spencer's it was like one of those times where my mom dropped me off at the mall and let me walk around with my friends yeah i was like i'm gonna shoplift imagine getting caught at 12 shoplifting a vibrator i'm sure they would just let me go did it come with directions or did you just know what to do generally? Okay.

No, I just knew what to do. I was like, I think this goes in me and I think it's supposed to vibrate. What? And I was like, oh, well, this is delightful. Absolutely. Your sister heard you. I'm going to tell you right now. I simply can't ask her now.

You don't have to because she definitely did. Real quick. We got to take a break. Do you remember any dates that were just like, you were like, this is a no-go, this is not for me? Hmm, I'm trying to think. The worst one. I feel like, oh, oh my gosh, I can't believe,

okay, I think I just buried this memory. But I once got like basically forced to go on a double date with my college roommate who was mass meeting men on myspace like okay she wrote a I remember reading it and being like you're gonna die like she was hi, like my name is so-and-so. I'm 18. I'm from Mississippi. And I just moved here for college, like looking to meet people and just sent like 18 to 25, like a dove into the sky on MySpace and would just hang out with like almost anyone that

messaged her back. And so I remember going to make sure. I remember joking, being like, well, I'm going to go just so that someone can identify the address where you were last found. I'm going strictly for safety, but I was double dating with her and this guy. And my guy was not ugly, but they were a rap duo, neither of which were Black.

Okay. Their friends were cool, but it was just turned into this week-long thing where we were supposed to constantly be double hanging out, and then at one point he took her car and wouldn't give it back. So then I had to take my car to the apartment and we had to like sit there and do a stakeout waiting for him to bring her car back and it

turned into this whole thing so like that was definitely the worst because then that uh we like were sitting in my car in this apartment complex waiting for them to come back in her car because he had had it for no joke like five days and like wasn't answering her phone calls uh-huh and then some other people that we had met at their apartment but like lived in the complex somewhere else we're like oh they aren't gonna be back for a few hours but you can like come hang out with us and drink and so we went to these like guys apartment and hung out and drank and played cards just waiting for them to came back we gave up at like 3 a.m.

We stayed there all night and they did not come back. So we went back to our dorm in my car. And the next day, the guy, mind you, this guy knows me so little, he did not have my number. He had to get my number from my friend from our date and tried to yell at me for hanging out with his friends and was like, yo like that wasn't

cool that you like came over here and was like hanging out with my boys like what that looks weird like you're my girl and you're like hanging out with them without me and I was like I don't know how to tell this to you I could not be less of your girl like we were lit I thought that we were there trying to get property back like i was not there trying to hang out with you and it was just this weird messy like college thing and that was like definitely one of my worst like dating experiences because our date was definitely just like hanging out at their apartment with a bunch of their friends like that was the date so and then he then they stole a car that's so wild they like nonchalantly stole a car for a week and then he tried to be

very possessive of me and it did not work out well for them they just ended up with no car and no girls how wild I wonder how they tell this story because I feel like there's like three sides to every story it's like he said she says the truth but I'm like I wonder how they tell this story. Because I feel like there's like three sides to every story. It's like he said she said the truth. But I'm like, I wonder if they're like, this girl gave me a car. It was so wild. Then she like asked for it back. I do.

That whole week I was wondering what he thought. Because I was like, I mean, we're barely adults. Like that's not your car. It got messy for a second how wild but yeah that was probably just weird yeah it sounds bizarre but i i thoroughly enjoyed it how did you know you were in love with your current partner oh i feel like i definitely knew, like I said, I don't ever like people lightly. Like, I've never sort of, you know what I mean? Very rarely do I kind of like initially not like someone and then they grow on me.

Like, that's not my thing. So, like, I knew from jump that I like had a very strong, like internal attraction to this person. And then he moved and it was kind of like just the natural thing where you ask yourself like, Oh, like every day in LA is great. I'm a very independent person.

I had built like a whole life that day to day is fantastic and everything that like I want it to be. Um, but you just like, don't have that person there. And I think like, even like my grandma recently, because she,

I love her, but she minds for misery. Like she only wants to talk about things that are upsetting in your life. Um, and she keeps asking me if I miss L.A. And I finally the other day like closed my eyes and pictured it. And I was like, yeah, like the best part of L.A. now is me picturing walking around with him and like the stuff that we used to do together.

And like when he's not there, it's still amazing. I still love L.A. I still have tons of my friends. But then I like went back to my apartment and just like wished he was there so I think that was the thing was just like constantly wanting that person in my life and being like okay so I'm gonna make my life that way then so it was like easy in that way to kind of like just like ask myself the questions honestly and be like yeah like I'm not like sometimes I am miserable without him but like I'm not a miserable person without him but I'm just so much happier having this person in my life that like why don't I just do that oh I like that

do you have any advice for me a single woman or other single people out there who are listening? Ooh, I lived alone for a really long time and have done a lot of things alone, hoping that I would like run into someone or have some amazing moment. Like, I've done this on stage before. I used to go to art museums, and I love art. Like, I do genuinely love art. But I also, in my head, thought that one day I was going to find a painting that I liked, stare at it for so long that someone else, like, also fell in love, that also loved that painting would just like stand next to me and we would just slowly start holding hands and walk out of the museum together without speaking. Like I actually had a minute. That's insane.

That's an insane thing to think will ever happen. That's nuts. ever happen that's nuts but I feel like I did even if it was by accident end up putting myself in enough places where I was like around beauty and things I like and things and that make me happy even if I was by myself I would then meet people who were in the same space and loved and like did things that made them happy and it none of that ever led to any specific person but it led to me walking around the world with an energy that I think attracted people to me later like if you genuinely are in a place of the confidence of like not like I don't need anyone but like I'm happy like I wish I had someone but everything that I can control is in a place where I want it and that's all that I can control so like I have to be happy about that like how can

I not be happy about all of these different other things being where I want them to be happy about that like how can I not be happy about all of these different other things being where I want them to be because this one other thing just isn't yet so moving through and focusing more on like being so happy about the life that I had built for myself outside of wanting someone I think put things out where like I started either organically meeting people, but also having people like come to me more where that did not happen before. Like I didn't have people really like come after me in any kind of way until I was like in my 20s when I was like this like open wound of like constantly falling in love with people and like fucking my friends that like, we're never going to be my boyfriends and doing all of that. Like I didn't ever, you know what I mean?

Really attract the kind of people who appreciated me, whether it was casual or serious. Like even my more casual hookups still had like a different kind of reverence for me as a person where I feel like I could still talk like it just had a different kind of respect and like mutualness and like honesty than it did when I felt like I had a void in me from it as opposed to just thinking that was a part that like just wasn't there yet you know what i mean yeah i'm sorry i'm bad at advice it's okay i i i think that was it was very uh it was thorough and i thought it was good okay um but we have come to the end yes and i i ask almost all of

my guests this i've only missed it maybe four times. But would you date me? I mean, yes, absolutely. I like your apartment. I feel like you just listen to me do a really, really bad ramble. So if you can hang out with me when I sound that high, we could date. That's like truly my worst self. Truly my worst self. No, I got it. And then sometimes people will ask you questions and like you have a lot to say, but you don't know how to exactly articulate it at all. So I get it. I get it. Katrina, do you have anything that you want to promote? Yeah, because this is coming out Friday. If you live in Jacksonville, Florida,

and want to come watch comedy like right before Christmas, find me on Instagram and DM me because I'm doing one of those cool secret shows. And then I'll be in San Francisco early next year for Sketch Fest. I'm really excited about it. So those are probably my two main things. But I live in New York. So I'll be telling jokes in New York in between then too. Yay. Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Hanukkah. Is Ramadan now? No, that's later. And it has to do with not, it's fasting. Wait, they don't Ramadan, they don't Ramadan now. I feel like Ramadan's at a different time.

Ramadan starts March 10th. Oh my God, I really fucked that up. I was like, I feel like it's sunny, warm outside when people are hungry for Ramadan. God, to be ignorant. Well then, yeah, happy everything. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts.

And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com, I will read it. This person said, Hi, hi, hi, Nicole. Baby, I want you to slip into a slutty dominatrix outfit, march me into your bathroom and make me drink your dirty bath water. You'll hold me under the water and say, drink or drown, bitch. Forcibly, I drink every last drop of that funky bath stew. Even though you low-key masturbated in the tub, but I don't mind. After I'm done drinking your deliciously soapy soup,

you'll wrap me up in a warm towel made of your pubic hair and say, my little sailor likes to rub in the tub. Thank you. Goodbye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer. This show is produced by me, Mars, with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show thanks for listening we'll see you next week with a brand new episode bye

this has been a team coco production