Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - How to Spot a Hobosexual (w/ Alesha Reneé)

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

Actress & TV personality Alesha Reneé (Grand Crew, Girl Code) joins Nicole to delve into the world of 'hobosexuals,' revealing her experience dating one and offering tips on how to spot if you are too. She opens up about a past partner's breach of trust, when she found out he had been secretly reading her diary. They review the "worst" places to go on a first date, and Alesha shares the bizarre story of how she got robbed by a clown. Plus, Nicole opens up about her first attempt at cooking for a man, and let's just say, it didn't quite go as planned. Check out Alesha's new series, Unleash for Love, available on Audible! Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: See Nicole on tour! Get tickets at linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

why won't you date me why won't you date me why won't you date me please tell me why oh baby it's a new episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, is just talking to people about love because we can't figure out why I'm single because I guess it's God's greatest mystery. My guest today is an actress, TV personality, and producer who you've seen on Girl Code, Guy Code, and Grand Crew. She's now starring in her own audible scripted podcast

entitled Unleashed for Love. Now streaming. It's Alicia Renee! Woo! Do we do our own applause here? You can! Yay! How are you?

I can't complain. I can't complain. How are you holding up? Listen, I was told I was going to meet someone at a Halloween party this year. Okay. And that was going to be my person. And very exciting. It is now November 17th.

And I met no one. I didn't meet a single fucking person during Halloween. I also did things during Halloween. Like hoping I would meet somebody. I went on a haunted hayride. Yeah. And nobody wanted it. Nobody scared my pussy.

Nobody asked me out. So the soothsayer wasn't soothing. Was not soothsaying. Soothsaying? Yeah. I don't know that one. Who told you? Soothsayer.

Soothsayer is like a psychic, a medium. So when they're soothing, they're like prophesying over you. So apparently you were led astray. Or who gave you this revelation that you're going to meet somebody? It was a psychic. See what I'm saying? It was a psychic. I did a reading.

Did you pay for it? Yes. Damn. I did. I did pay for it? is like do I go to a party where I might not meet someone and might have a bad time or do something where like I know I'm gonna have a really nice time you know what's challenging I always wonder like is it good to go to psych gigs and hear what's supposed to come your way because isn't it like human nature to then seek after it to kind of like fix circumstances and situations to make that thing happen versus like existing?

You know, so it's like, OK, so what if you were supposed to be at that party? Instead, you went to a girls weekend. But because you were like, OK, well, it's going to happen because it's like you said, it's going to happen. I could just go to this girls weekend. But what if you were supposed to be at that party and you screwed yourself by being at that girl's weekend? You see what I'm saying? I mean, yes, maybe. But I will say this.

I had a great time. I knew I was going to have a great time. So it's like. But you didn't get your kitty tickled. I did not get my kitty tickled. But if I meant to be with this person, I'll meet them in a different way. That can't be the only way. Do you know what I mean? Oh, Nick, you like it out here in these streets. I'm convinced you like it. I don't. Then talk to me, babe. Where did we go wrong?

What do you mean? Where did we go wrong? You were supposed to be where the soothsayer soothed that you were supposed to be at. And you said, Ied that you were supposed to be at and you said I'm gonna go over here and kick it in the bushes with the homies did you not because I knew I was gonna have fun the thing of like I okay I would have been so mad if I had gone to like any of the Halloween parties I was invited to and then didn't meet somebody and also didn't have fun and also spent money on a costume this was like I was like okay either I meet maybe meet someone it's not guaranteed or I go have a nice time and I was like you know what I want to have a nice time for me that's fair you should go get your money back from that soothsayer then you need to go get your coins i should yeah because she should have

seen that i was gonna have a girls weekend i've been like oh well you're not gonna meet them at a halloween party you might meet them at a thanksgiving extravaganza and everyone i have matched with on tinder lately i've matched with nobody on Hinge. Hinge is so dry right now. Really? Everybody's so little. I like forget to look at the heights. Yeah. And I'm okay with a short king.

I really am. How tall are you, babe? I forgot. Aren't we about the same height? Aren't you about 5'7"? Aren't you the same height as me? I am. I've always thought I was 5'7",

but I am 5'5", and I feel like I read a little taller. Yeah. And I feel like I live a little taller. I feel like I'm very tall. So I feel like I need somebody who is of like an adequate height, who's like the same height in my mind but I'm I'm I am okay with a shorter person but I'm just like how come all of them are so short well try being in my shoes like I'm technically I'm five seven and a half five eight on a good day and not only are them in short but they're also all DJs which fine but not they're not on like the um they're also all DJs, which fine, but not, they're not on like the, they're paying their bills and they're making the ends meet DJs.

They're like, I want to be a DJ, which means to me, it's giving hobosexual. You're going to drop some dick off for shelter. Wrote about it, lived it, got the t-shirt, don't want to do it at all. Wait, so you dated somebody who was looking for shelter? Yeah. For how long? For a little over a year.

And how did you find out that he was seeking shelter? Immediately wanted to, here's how to tell ladies, when they expeditiously want to move in with you. You know, it's oh, we're always at each other's house. We can just, you know, consolidate our homes. My place was way better than his. He I think we were dating for three months and he wanted to move in. He was there at my place all the time. I was the main one. Like, I would pay all the bills and then he would just quote unquote pay me back. And then, well, I also found out he was reading my diary.

It's so layered. Wait, how did you find out he was reading your diary? Was he like eating pizza and like fucking leaving grease stains on it? Bitch. How about my diary became like elf on a shelf? You leave it one place and then it ended up in another place you understand what i'm saying like he would say certain things in casual

conversation that i wrote about in my diary it was such a mind fuck because he was writing things that i thought was just between me and god right like i wanted a guy to do certain things that i saw my dad do with my mom because that was the first example of love, you know, that we all get right. Our parents, bitch, he would say stuff like, oh, at this time in my life, I don't show up. Come for me. But I've been in so many relationships back to back. Like all my adult relationships have been with black men. I understand that if I've had six relationships and all six of them have failed, I'm the common denominator, cool.

Been in therapy, did the things, okay. I put in my diary, Nick, that like, if my next relationship doesn't work out, I'm gonna date a white man. And so he would say subtle stuff like, you know, if we don't work out, like I could never see you with a white man because you're just too like to this and you're too that. Like just all the things.

Right. Like I even put in my diary, I want a man that like if we have to be abstinent for a period of time because we're preparing for marriage. Like he'll say that and he's committed to it. Bitch, out of nowhere, you know, God told me we need to be abstinent from sex for a while. But yet, whenever he needed to get his rocks off and only he arrived to the occasion, if you know what I mean. And then all of a sudden after he came, it was, oh, we got to get back to what God told us to do. But every once in a while, it was giving homosexual. It was giving, you god told us to do but every once in a while just it was

giving hobosexual it was giving you wanted me to rub your balls when you needed to get your rocks off it was giving every time at the the you know the the first of every month i'm getting great oral sex and it also coincided with when we could take a break from our our abstinence you know what i mean yeah and then back to our regular schedule program so that's awful that's the that's such a huge invasion of privacy that's like yeah that's also psychotic to like read someone's diary and then try to pepper life in with things that you already know that's honestly the wildest thing it it so, one, it was humiliating and heartbreaking because it's always those things where we know as women in the back of our minds, and not even just to relate it to women, but just we know as people in the back of our minds when something isn't right and we just have no peace here, but we can't quite put our finger on it. But you're right. It was such a huge invasion of privacy. And it was so like it created a huge bubble of distrust because I'm like, but God, he does this and he does that. And only you know about it. And you're not connecting the dots of like, you know, I can recall Nicole saying out loud,

but God, but only you know about this, but it's like, I feel conflicted here, but I wrote about it in my diary and he's doing this. Like, these are just conversations, because you're not thinking, I don't think we get into any partnership, romantic or friendship, thinking the lowest thought of that person, no you're never like this person's

reading my diary this person's going through my phone this person is like talking behind my but that's truly wild I it would make me feel crazy to be like I felt these are my private thoughts and they keep saying my private thoughts but not in a way that feels organic if it makes you distrust yourself because you know something isn't right here because there are certain ways that that person is showing up in the relationship that obviously doesn't feel good. But then, like you said,

they're peppering different things within the relationship that's only between you and your diary and your higher power or whatever. So you feel so like you don't even trust your own gut that's saying abort girl like you know it's like he's doing you know so it's just yeah that was a it took me years if i'm honest with myself and thousands of dollars in therapy girl to get myself back to center i get

that i would feel so violated and like i would truly feel like i was going insane just like yeah yeah because that's like that's gaslighting it feels a little gaslighting yeah because it's like it's manipulation it's manipulation that's what it is it would be gaslighting if it's like were you reading my diary and they're like no what makes you think that that's gaslighting but yeah it's manipulation to be like, oh, I'm going to make this person seem or like feel like I'm this other person, but I'm not. I'm bad. Yeah. I mean, it was.

Yeah. Girl. What about you? What about me? I mean, I've never had anyone read my diaries or anything like that. And then also I've only been in like one real relationship and that ended but like i don't know i just i'm at the point right now where i'm like i have to open up to a whole new person yeah i have to meet a stranger and be like what do you

like to do for fun like that just seems so exhausting when I already did that and got very close and deep to this other person. And now I'm like, well, I'm back in the fucking world and I have to like, there's piss in the dating pool. There's piss and there's turds. It's,

it's, um, I understand that. And I know you said that hinge wasn't hinging. I think the thing that I like about certain apps, first of all, I'm off all the dating apps. I can't like, I'm wearing, then how first of all, I'm off all the dating apps. I can't.

Like, I'm here. Then how are you going to meet somebody? I leave my house. Like, it's not like he's going to knock on my door. Like, you know what I mean? Like, when people invite me out, I go. When I have errands to run, I actually, I mean, I know I look like pure shit right now. But, you know, when I have errands to run, I do something with myself. I never leave my

house not prepared, not expecting to meet something good. I smile at men. I've approached men. I've, you know, said to men, hey, you know, if you're not seeing anybody, can I take you out to grab a drink? You know that list that came out a few weeks back of like places to not take someone on a first date. Oh yeah. Like Applebee's. Wait, what were they? Hold on. Let me look this up. Well, while you're doing that, I only bring that up because my ideal first date that I would take a guy is to get a drink. And I'm totally fine with grabbing a drink or grabbing a coffee on the first date because I'm attracted. I'm stimulated mentally. And if the conversation isn't there, why am I going to be trapped at dinner with someone for hours on end and suffer through watching them eat?

Because, you know, some people like snack when they eat or they chew with their mouths open. All the things. All the things all the things i mean i usually go for a drink with somebody but if somebody asks me out to dinner i'll go and some people i've dated for a little bit it had like has started off with a dinner but i usually will have an excuse. I'm like, oh, I have to go do a show. Sorry. Or I have to go do something else to cut it short to be like, do you want more of this? And then also I've been on dates where I'm like, oh, I'm having a great time.

I'm going to stay. Okay, I found it. Number one is Cheesecake Factory. And I find that insulting. Cheesecake Factory is delightful. Two, Applebee's. I have been on dates to Applebee's, and it's great. Three, Chili's.

I love a Chili's. Four, Chipotle. I get that. Five, Olive Garden. What? What's wrong with Olive Garden? Six, the movies? The movies is easy. I don't want to go to the movies.

We can't talk. Here's the thing. Cheesecake Factory for dessert. I'll go there for dessert for exactly what it's titled cheesecake right okay like the menu is thoroughly extent it's too thick because it's a factory it's a food factory it's hella loud there's children galore you like okay like no applebees i don't even feed myself applebees i like to cook i can move a pond around okay chilies got me through college.

You're wild. The Southwestern egg rolls. Slap. Very good. Slap. Maybe we pick up chilies and go to a park. I'm not opposed to Chipotle. Here's the thing.

Scratch all that. Take me to get coffee. I don't want to do any of that with you. Just let's grab a drink and let's get to know each other. Let's see if the vibes are there. Nick, like you need to tell me you're totally fine

with sitting across from somebody on, I know you have your escape plan. Let's say you don't. Let's say that's not in play. They're kidnapping your whole night versus if we have coffee or a drink first and if the vibes are there and the energy is given,

then, and especially if we do it earlier in the day, are you free for the rest of the evening? You know, like, are you hungry? I'd love to grab a bite to eat. I don't know. I think you're really underestimating me leaving. Like, I will leave. Or I will stay and see if, at the very least,

is something interesting going to happen. Yeah. Do something exciting. Wait, so you're not going to go to a movie with anybody? No. That's two hours. That's two and a half hours of me just sitting there. I don't know you, sir.

What if you're planning to stab me in the eyeball? Some point during the movie. I don't know you. So when do we get to talk and nicole kippen has a whole spiel about not ruining the experience did you not listen to her well if you're don't go to an amc go to a different one go to a alamo draft house of sorts but a movie is easy you go see a movie that you want to see and then go get a drink after and then you automatically have something to talk about.

You didn't say that. And then if you feel uneasy sitting next to that person, that's an indication that you shouldn't spend any more time with them. Okay, so let's talk about how we even got to first date. Because I'm not mad at that when you preface it in that way. Right? When you say it like that. It obviously depends on. See, now you put movies back on the calendar only if we've been conversing on the phone for maybe like a week or two.

So I talk, we talk, maybe we've got a couple of FaceTimes in there so I can feel your energy. I can feel your vibes. I can see that you look like your Hinge profile or you're dating at profile, whatever, because Hinge ain't cutting a check, you know. Hinge profile or you're dating at profile, whatever, because Hinge ain't cutting a check, you know. And then we go see a movie together. And then we have something to talk about afterward when we grab the drink. Okay. Okay. I mean, yeah, that's for you.

I'm not doing all that before I meet this person. You're going to meet a stranger? Oh, yeah, I'll meet a stranger any old place. What are you going to do to me? What are you going to do do to me we're in a public place what are you gonna do what people are out here shaking people in ubers and in lifts do you forget that period of time where it's like every time you turned around someone was being murdered in an uber listen if it's my time it's my time oh i just i'm not doing all that because I don't want to make up something about this person before I meet them. Like, I want to see what their vibe is in person.

Because sometimes you talk on the phone with someone and then you meet them in person and you're like, Ugh, this is not for me. Fair. Okay, so number seven is your house. I mean, if I'm just looking for some booty, a little bit of dick, I'll go to their house. Again, what are you gonna do, kill me? This is my time.

Any fast food chain? I don't know. So you're doing Popeyes on the first date? And I'm from Texas. I love a Popeyes, but. Here's the thing. If the person is funny and we start a bit or something about going to Popeyes or McDonald's and you follow through on it, that's a cute little thing that y'all did.

Yeah, I don't understand why you're still single because you're way more open and flexible than I am. Like you're just like, hey, we're here. You're living on the edge. I'm here for it. I don't I don't I don't have anything for you, babe. I don't know what to say. I don't have anything for you, babe. I don't know what to say. I mean, all of these things are so wild. Buffalo Wild Wings. I would do a Buffalo Wild Wings. Like go, like if your date is like near the Super Bowl.

I don't know. I'm not a sports person. If you're also not a sports person, that might be a really fun thing to do together to be like, look at all these sports people. Buffalo Wild Wings is a perfect people watching place. If you're eating chicken the right way, I don't think I want to like bust down chicken on the first date in front of a guy. Like I also have this thing about eating chicken wings in front of white people. Like I kind of won't do it.

You know, the whole stereotype. Because the whole stereotype that black people love chicken. Like I just can't imagine. Everybody loves chicken. Everybody loves, it's a mental thing. I'm also from the South. So cut me some slack. Like, you know, there's certain things

that I'm just like, it's so ingrained. I'm like, I'm not going the south so cut me some slack like you know there's certain things that I'm just like it's so ingrained I'm like I'm not gonna be okay yeah so um uh how about those rams like no maybe that's that's like an aphrodisiac and that person's like man I love how she bust down them wings oh she didn't leave no meat on them bones I don't know I think I think it's nice. Red lobster? I would go to a red lobster. A buffet? I would go to a buffet.

I'll do red lobster. I won't do a buffet. Okay, here's maybe where I draw the line. The gym? I don't think I really want to go to the gym on a first date. I don't want to smell your sweaty balls on the first date. I absolutely decline. I decline.

I decline. I will do a red lobster. I will not do a buffet. I won't do a buffet on my own dime. I won't do I decline. I decline. I will do a red lobster. I will not do a buffet. I won't do a buffet on my own dime. I won't do a buffet. What? Are you serious? Did you not see that clip on social media

where that white guy, where that guy just like took, I said that white guy, where that guy took a spoon, the soup, tasted it from the ladle and put the ladle back into the soup? Are you insane?

My man's having a good time. He said, I'm trying to taste the soup before back into the soup? Are you insane? My man's having a good time. He said, I'm trying to taste the soup before I get the soup. I mean, if I saw that in person, I probably would be very upset. But out of sight, out of mind. When I'm going to the buffet, nobody doing that. Everyone's acting nice. Oh, babe. That's just what was caught.

That's simply what was caught. No. I love a what was caught. No. I love a buffet, especially in Vegas. I love it. I love it. I love it. I also will not go to church. You ain't praising the sweet baby Jesus?

We not gonna talk to him? Not on the first date. I think I'm not a church gal. I grew up going to church. Okay. But that would have to be like like months in i think i also want to make sure that your rhetoric as it pertains to your higher power you're actually walking the walking the talk because i dated a guy who intermittently heard from god as it pertains to our abstinence did i

not mention that before oh and he wasn't wasn't, remember, I just said that not that long ago, that was him, you know? Oh, yes, yes, yes. He would say that we need to be abstinent and we don't need to be.

What kind of part-time God are you serving? I'm okay with that, sir. Yeah, I don't want to go to your, I don't want to go to your church on the first date. I'm cool. Mm-mm.

And they're coming for you. They said coffee dates, Starbucks. Hey, take me to a coffee, but I think I'm winning. Take me to a coffee. Hey, take me to a coffee, but I think I'm winning. Take me to a coffee. I don't care. You know, as long as I'm there to watch you get poured,

because you know they're out here slipping stuff in people's drinks. Mm-hmm. I'm totally Gucci with it. Take me to a coffee. I'm an easy date. What about an ice cream date? I'm here for it. Me too.

What about a family function? No. I would go. Really? I would. Absolutely. What a lunatic. You're inviting me to your family's barbecue as a first date. You want me to meet your family? I'm going. I got to meet these people. I got to see what's up. That's not weighty. That seems so heavy to me. Like what if you have that drunk uncle with the wandering eye and the

slippery hand? I got to deal with that. I let me deal with it. I that to me is that person is either perfect or insane. There is no in between. You're inviting me to meet your whole family on a first date like wild or perfect. The only way that I would say okay is if we had plans, like plans, plans, solidified plans that we probably both invested into and you had to make a stop to your families on the way to said plans and there was just no way around it. So to keep the peace, like we're just trying to figure out how to do all the above. Does that make sense? Yeah. I might do that. I might be down for that.

I would do it as the destination what about movie night netflix and chill uh-huh i don't know babe that one i'm not really into because if i'm coming to your house on a first date i don't want to watch a movie that's not what i came here for i know that's right bitch you better talk like talk. I know that's right. Like, why are we playing? Why are we saying that we're going to do something that we're not going to do? But isn't that kind of, like, implied when you do the movie and chill thing moment?

Like, isn't that kind of like the... Yes. But sometimes people actually will turn on a movie and you're like, what? No. I don't want this. I want to make the movie, not watch the movie. Okay, we're almost at the end of this. I'm learning so much about you.

I love this. Okay, somewhere that requires a long drive. I'm okay with a long drive. So you can get chopped up and dispersed along the way? Are you insane? No. I don't know. sometimes i like road trips i like driving with people and it's a good like okay so we drive somewhere like that's far away and i don't have a good time i'm like okay i don't have to ever do i don't have to spend more

time with this person i did it on said road trip can you at least promise me that Shashir will have your location? Do you turn on your locations? Do you let her know where you're going? Do you at least let one person know? Okay, you ain't trying to live to tell the tale. If it's my time, it's my time. You're not trying to live to tell the tale. I'm gonna write a horror movie and I'm putting you as a star in it because I already know you're going to give me exactly what I need. If it's my time, it's my time. Bowling is on this list. Bowling's great. Bowling is amazing. Bowling, putt-putt golf.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like all those things. Sign me up. Dave and Buster's or David Buster's adjacent. Sign me up. I love Dave and Buster's.

Sign me up. Also on this, nightclubs, hookah bars, a bar just for drinks, Waffle House, sports events. So where are we supposed to go? This is everything. Yeah, that's everything. You can for sure take me to the Waffle House. I want to get, because you're going to get dinner and a movie. Because someone is going to get something thrown at their head at the Waffle House, guaranteed.

I don't mind a drink on a barge. I think that's nice. I'm a waterside of Scorpio. We love to be near the water. Take me there. I think that's nice. I'm a waterside of Scorpio. We love to be near the water.

Take me there. Yes. I mean, in a sports event, I'm not a sports person, but I would go to one. I would for sure go to a basketball or a football game on the first date. Absolutely. With a drink and a hot dog. I would do anything. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. Give me a hot dog. I'm concerned. I would go to a baseball game. I would go to a cricket game. I would go to rugby. I would do water polo. I would do it all baseball game. I would go to a cricket game. I would go to rugby. I would do water polo. I would do it all.

That's fun. Real quick, we have to take a break. We're back. Okay, so what kind of person are you looking for? You already said you're looking for someone who is walking the walk with the nerd. So wait, you're not on dating apps. Have you ever, have you ever been on the dating app? Yeah, I was. I mean, I still keep my Raya profile, but that's mainly because so many of my girlfriends want to use my name as a reference to get on. So I keep it open for the homies.

I take it for the team. That's kind. I'm trying to get into heaven, babe. I also think about it as good karma, good relationship karma, you know? I was on Hinge. I liked Hinge. I liked Hinge because I like the prompts that it gives you so that you can help, you know, so that you can kind of like, I mean, what are we talking about? Like, what are we doing? You know, it kind of gives you something to talk about. i you know so that you can kind of like i mean what do we talk about

like what are we doing you know it kind of gives you something to talk about i wasn't mad at that but like what you mentioned i kind of ran into too many short kings or the djs like you know i was on coffee meets bagel but i don't understand it it's like you have to yeah you have to like get beans like how and then you spend the beans and i i didn't get it either it really made me upset i hate coffee meets bagel wasn't that horrible i'm i don't like what is what is this plenty of fish was like the sewer adjacent so that was a no had terrible experiences with that um the league was very much so elitist and i didn't like that. It was, oh, 30 other girls like Mark and if you pay $80,

you can put your name to the front of the line. The fuck I gotta pay Mark $80 just to get to the front of his line where he may or may not swipe in the right direction for me? Mark ain't the prize. That's wild. I'm not on the league.

I didn't know that was like a thing. Girl. That was like, you can pay money to be put in the front of the line. Get real. I don't want that. There's a lot of in-app purchases once you get on these dating apps. There's a lot of them. I think even to the extent that there's something like that on Hinge, if I want to say like, oh, you know, you can purchase like more likes or something like that. Like, here's the thing. As long as you leave your house, there's a possibility that someone will find you. I read all the magazines, Cosmo, where they talk about body language. Don't go out in packs.

Maybe like one, two girlfriends max when you're going out. Keep your body posture turned towards the out, not your girlfriends, so that men can feel comfortable to infiltrate the pack. The things. Smile. You have a beautiful smile. I know you smile all the time. As long as I've known you, you've never not had a smile on your face. So I know you're giving that energy. So we do all the things that we can do. The last thing I'm going to do is pay lenny to get to the front of mark's line not doing it i mean i'm not doing it either that's just wild to me to to get to the front of this person's line that you don't even know if they're gonna swipe yes on you

that's it that's it it's not for me not at all it's a heavy on the no heavy have you ever been in love I've loved I don't think I've been in love and I what I mean by that is I think that the definition of like in love like love is action right uh to me there's like a an air of reciprocity where we're loving one another in action. And I haven't experienced that. It's always been, again, I can understand that if all of my relationships failed, I'm the common denominator. So you do your work, you do your therapy, you read your books, you take your time to figure out what is it that you're looking for in these relationships that you're not getting or you're pursuing like in a unhealthy way. And I realized, oh, I've never been in love.

I loved men to the best of my ability from the knowledge that I had at that time, like that version of myself. But no, I've never been in love, which means I've never made love. Fucked. But I've never been in love, which means I've never made love. Fucked. But I've never like made love. I mean, fucking be fine. I'm here. So you keep saying that you're the common denominator. What do you think that means? What I discovered about myself is I was looking for validation and looking to be made to feel like I was more than enough because of certain things that I didn't have growing up and certain things that happened to me growing up.

Like, okay, well, as long as I'm feeling something, whether it's, you know, unhealthy love, whether it's codependency, as long as they need me for something, then I'm worth something. Right? Versus when you're healthy, healed, and whole, you know that, like, I'm happy. Am I happy, like, with every aspect of my life? No, but that's my work to do. And that's my work to figure out like, how can I be happy? And when I'm healthy and when I'm whole, I make better choices with the people that I allow to take up space in my life. And so I say I'm the common denominator because as a woman, I choose like who I want to be in my space, who I want to give my body to. And I just chose wrong. I chose right in those moments

because, you know, when you're broken, you operate from a broken space. When you're healed and you're trying to do right, it's like when you know better, you do better. So now that I know better, I'd like the opportunity to do better. I like that. You like the opportunity to do better. I feel the same way. All through my dating, I guess, yeah, I've been the common denominator because I've been independent for a very long time. I've depended on myself for a lot of things. And then being in a relationship was very confusing because I was like, oh, so there's a whole other person here and I have to like not ask them to do stuff but like let them know I'm doing stuff and that was very hard and confusing because it felt like I was giving up my independence but it's like you're not giving up your independence you're like mixing your life with somebody else there's two of you

now yeah and then also I'm like slightly codependent so it was a very push-pull dynamic where it was like I'm independent but also I need you for the rest of my life please don't leave me yeah so I think that was exhausting for that other person and hindsight's 2020 so it's like oh these are the things that I am doing and I probably have been doing in every relationship I or like every person I've dated. I don't want to call everything a relationship. Yeah. But it's like it's hard to like identify those things and then go, oh, fuck, it's me.

I'm the problem. That's what I meant when I said, like, you know, we're the common denominator. But it could be exhausting for your partner, but it could also be exhausting for you. I'm not trying to speak for you. But, you know, I found that I was having this conversation with one of my best guy friends, Lamorne. He moves in, you know, a lot of different circles. And, you know, as his best girlfriend and the godmother of his child, we have a lot of deep conversations. And, you know, and I'm only using him as an example, just as a man who's single and out here on the apps. And I'm like, well, you're you're attracting a particular type of woman because it feeds a certain thing in you that you need to explore and that you need to have together.

What I found is a lot of times you can say and men will say they want a woman who's strong and independent and all of these things. And then you get a woman who's strong and independent and that kind of like intimidates you. It does it versus you showing up and rising, you know, arising to the occasion for women. And I said this to him. I said a lot of women that I know that are strong and independent. They're not that way because they just want to be a lot of women who are strong and independent in a type are that way because they've been conditioned to be, because they've unfortunately encountered relationships or even a familial structure that has raised them to, as long as I got to have it, I got to make sure that I'm good because I've been let down here, I've been let down there, and I got to make sure the shit gets done, whatever the shit may be.

Right. And so then you enter into a relationship with a guy that can on paper and whatever degree, a lot of the guys that I dated in the past, it seemed like there's someone that I can just be Alicia with. I can be Alicia Goodley. I don't have to be Alicia Renee. Right.

I don't have to be this thing. I can be my most stripped. I don't have the answer. I'm exhausted. I'm tired version of myself, broken version of myself, whatever. And that would be okay. And when it's not, when they let you down or when the communication isn't there, so they don't know how to say, hey, you're requiring something of me that I don't know how to give you because I realize I'm not healed in that area. And so you're asking for something that they just can't give you. We internalize that as I'm not enough for it. I'm not enough for you to rise to the occasion. Right. And so you're trying to make them into something that they're not ready for. And so now we're back to, okay, well, fuck it.

I got to show up for me. I got to be strong for me. I got to figure it out for me because he's not or they're not giving it to me. So therapy has taught me there is a beauty in saying, even in practice, like I practice this with my girlfriends because I'm the strong friend. I'm the one that people will call for the advice, for the prayer within my family. You know, I've made a particular amount of money and I've been able to help my family, but we've been in a strike and a pandemic for, I don't know how long, you know, I don't have as big or as, you know, a plethora of opportunities. I say you do, you know, I'm not counting as big or as, you know, a plethora of opportunities as say you do.

You know, I'm not counting your coins, but I'm not working as much as you are. So it's like I can't take care of people the way I used to when I was working for BET or my early days at MTV. I have to be mindful of that. And I don't I just don't have it to give you. And for us, more specifically as Black women, being comfortable and saying, hey, being the strong Black woman no longer serves me, I don't have it. And being okay with however that person may respond, that's a new practice for us. It's very new territory. I don't know about you, but the circles that I grow in, you know, that I've been moving in, it hasn't been easy for us to say, I don't have it. I mean, times is tough.

Not even just financially, but I just mean even emotionally or even to be able to say to someone, hey, I need you here. I am having to carry the slack in these other areas and it's a lot for me. I'd like to not, you know, can you help me here? And if they can't, okay, well, what is it that you need to be able to do it because I can't do it? That takes a lot of trust. It takes a lot of, I think, yeah, the biggest word is trust and faith that you can be your most stripped self in front of that person and not be looked at as weak but just vulnerable and you can rest there there's a strength in being able to be vulnerable with someone and it sounds like you haven't met that person yet and I know I haven't I I mean the person I was dating before I think I was pretty vulnerable with them and I was like comfortable just being me okay uh and that was like comfortable just being me. Okay. And that was nice. We just had a problem with communication and... That's a big thing.

Yeah. So it was one of those things where it was just like, we just aren't seeing eye to eye. But it is interesting, like I had never had that before. And now that I have had that, I'm like, oh, okay. That's what it's supposed to feel like when you're with somebody. You're supposed to feel like safe and truly just like feel good. And like you don't have to be on all the time. Like I remember, I don't know, I might have said this once, but I was like coming home from work and I was telling him about my day.

And I was like, I'm sorry sorry this isn't interesting and he was like you're not here to entertain me I just want to hear I want to hear about your day because that's the day that you lived and I was like oh my god and it was just like a small little thing but I was like oh my god this is like nice this is kind and I had never dated anyone who made me feel like they were actually interested in my day-to-day and, like, my life and my thoughts and my feelings. So now that I've had that, I'm like, it'd be nice to have that again. Can I go back to that? It's so funny you mentioned that. I the first time I heard that out loud was in that series that you were on with Michelle Buto that I know we can't mention because we're on strike. That show that she has on a network we know about.

Yes. I when I saw that bitch like tears welled up my eyes because I've never dated a guy that asked me about my day to this day. Because I've never dated a guy that asked me about my day to this day. Like even something so little, but just I care enough to check in with you. How was your day? As an adult woman, I've never been asked by a guy. How was your day? Like even when you were talking, I was like, oh, that it is nice and i want it again because up like up until him i it truly i don't think i had dated

anyone who was remotely interested in my day-to-day yeah i feel like they were just like this is my day this is how i feel oh you're late again oh i'm real mad about that um yeah i i don't think i ever really dated people who genuinely liked me up until this last person uh which is like a funny thing to like realize to be like oh i don't think you liked me i think you like the idea of me but then you didn't like me that's what I was saying about sometimes you know guys can espouse that they want a woman that has certain attributes and then you get it and they don't know what to do with it and it takes a long time for us to realize it has nothing to do with us and just everything to do with what they're not ready and prepared to handle and to nurture

you know what I mean like to to be with a woman like you, you have this big, beautiful, effervescent personality. You, when you walk into a room, you're noticed. You're beautiful. You have, you're, you're, you're an entrepreneur. You're extremely successful. That's a lot for a guy to be able to be in your presence and recognize that he is bringing something to your relationship, not even just to the table, but just something to your life. And he is enough, that he is enough, that he can stand alongside you and not look at standing alongside you as being in your shadow, you know, to where he has to try to dim your light. That's something that I haven't experienced yet. I have done amazing things. I'm extremely proud.

And it took me a long time to get myself to a place where I can look at myself and say, Alicia, you should be very proud of yourself. You've had a job since you were 14 years old. you should be very proud of yourself. You've had a job since you were 14 years old. You have made whatever strides in this business that you've made without sleeping your way to the top or screwing over anybody to get there. You have endeavored to maintain this sense of, I'm still the same girl

that washes my grandmother's dishes whenever I go home. I'm from Lake Charles, Louisiana. I love my family, God first. But I'm flawed and I'm humid and I can rest in that. And I've accomplished many great things. I'm enough. And I want to be with somebody that can see me flaws and all and want to partner with that and help expound on all the healing and all the work and all the joy that I'm endeavoring to bring to myself and to those who are around me and haven't found that yet. Your standards, I think standards should be high. My standards are high. Also, I need someone who's OK that i'm absolutely unhinged i'm insane knowing yourself is the first step babe now we're on the road to healing

yeah i know i'm absolutely insane i think i just yeah i need someone who's like fully okay with that um and likes that about me yeah um and i have dated a couple someone who's like fully okay with that and likes that about me. And I have dated a couple of people who were like, I do like that you're actually unwell. You're a bit touched, as they would say. Just a little bit. Just a pinch. Can I ask you a question so you have phobia of clowns because you were robbed by a clown that took a left yes well I wanted to ask you that because that's the wildest thing I've ever heard

yeah I have two big phobias porta p potties and clowns. And it's not my proudest moment. But how did a clown rob you? So I was at Circus Circus with my family. This is when we lived in Las Vegas. And yeah, it just gotten this beautiful aqua green purse for Christmas. And in it, I had this fake makeup that I loved. And, you know, my Aunt Kim just gave me $5. And, you know, obviously this was during the time where you could like walk a little bit behind your parents and not be afraid that you'd get snatched up. So I'm like going through my purse and, you know, I'm dealing with my candy and my monies and stuff like that. And this clown comes up out of nowhere and he's like, well, hello there, little girl. Oh, God, sorry.

Oh, no. I mean, if it's actually like traumatic and triggering, we don't have to talk about it. That's okay. I'm going to try to get through it. And he's like, what do you have there? And I'm like, oh, I got my monies and I got my purse and my pretty purse. He snatches the money out of my hand, snatches my purse, steps on my foot and runs away. Honestly, that's wild to a child.

To a child. I remember it like it was yesterday. And so I never got my monies back. I never got my purse. So yeah, clowns steal. They don't care. And have you seen It? Case closed.

Fair. It, yeah, he lives in the sewer and he haunts those kids with a balloon. Wasn't that based off of, was it John Wayne Gacy? Was it? Yes. It's based off of a real story of this kooka kooka kook in the neighborhood that used to dress up as a clown. John Wayne Gacy, I want to say that's his name. Yes.

I think that's his name, yeah. He murdered the children and his whole getup was a clown. That's upsetting. Very. I would be so mad if I got killed by a clown. Like, this is who kills me? That's who got me? A fucking clown?

I mean, you take road trips across the country with strange men that you just met and that's how you're punching your clown? I'd be pissed too, Nick. Well, I'm not going across the country. No, don't try to backtrack it. You said it. Okay, so a long distance to me is Encino to go to Benihana.

Girl, okay. That's my time, y'all. That's a long ride. That's like 25, 30 minutes. It's so specific. It makes me feel like that actually happened. You went to... I love Benihana.

Benihana is a great test to see if you could spend time with somebody. Because you will be there for a very... It's a long ride. And then dinner is long. It is. But here's the thing. Benihana has one flavor. Garlic and butter.

That's it. Yes. What more do you need? Flavor! Give me some spice. I don't even think they have chili red pepper flakes for you to ask for to put a little razzle dazzle. I think you can ask for them. I don't know.

This is wild that you do not like Benihana. I didn't say that I don't like Benihana. Well, you said they had one flavor and you said it in an accusatory tone, meaning that you didn't like it. I did put steak on it. I did put some steak on my tongue for sure but i it's not that okay i'm not paying for benihana if you ask me to go with you to lunch and obviously we're in 40 minutes later we arrive at benihana i'm gonna look at you like so you have the bill right because wow i'm going to look at you like, so you have the bill, right? Wow. I'm happy to cover it because I have a great time every time I go. I think the food is outstanding.

The showmanship is to die for. I truly love Betty Hanna. But also, I don't have great taste in food. People will be like, this doesn't taste good. And I'm like, this was fine for me. Maybe that's the thing because I'm Creole. So I grew up like with like my very first dish that I learned how to cook was gumbo. Mm hmm.

Which is very intricate, time consuming. So I just have maybe that you should have led with that. You should have led with that because I would have looked at you with less judgment when you were co-signing some of these restaurants. And I'm like, what are we talking about? Cool. Well, okay. Here's the thing about Cheesecake Factory. You can get anything you want there.

And they have pumpernickel bread. And I'm not saying it's like the creme de la creme of food. It's not like delicious. But it does what it needs to do. It's dinner. It's fine. I'm not taking anything to go. I'll meet you for the pumpernickel bread

and the lettuce cups. You know what I'm talking about? The chicken cups? Yes. I'll meet you there. Those are very, very good. And for the cheesecake. Don't ask me for anything else on that extensive-ass menu. That booklet that they hand out to everybody. They have a really good bacon burger where there's

bacon in the burger. No. It's so good. I want to lift the tail. That's not going to get it, babe. Nope. Yes, clog my arteries. No.

It's good. Red lobster. Although, I have to make this for you. We need to do better. I make an amazing garlic, like cheddar bay biscuit cornbread. Cornbread, though. Cornbread. Cornbread, though. Cornbread. Ooh, that's delightful because I do love red

lobster, and my favorite thing on the menu besides the Cheddar Bay biscuits is a strawberry smoothie. They have a really great smoothie there. But you have to drink it quick, otherwise it separates into something you don't understand. It's so good. I think I like garbage food. I really do. Yeah, just stab with it. Otherwise it separates into something you don't understand.

It's so good. I think I like garbage food. I really do. That's established, my love. That's established. I can't do it, babe. I got to make this for you. I partner it with my turkey chili.

Change your life. And I think we can sing a different tune to some of these restaurants that's on that list. Here's the thing. I'm happy to eat delicious food. I'll eat food and be like, to some of these restaurants that's on that list. Here's the thing. I'm happy to eat delicious food. I'll eat food and be like, oh, my God, it's so good. But then I'm just as happy eating garbage. I can't. Love garbage.

I can't. You know what changed for me? It's, you know, one, like I said, I'm from the south, from Louisiana, raised in Houston, Texas. And so there's a lot of things that dietary wise, I can't eat anymore that I totally grew up on that at one point was like amazing. And we grew up poor. So a lot of these foods that I ate growing up was purely out of survival, right? Like chicken that clearly is the size of a brontosaurus rex. And you're like, what the fuck is this chicken? But it's pumped up with all the steroids and hormones

and this, this, that, and a third. And, you know, I remember this dish my mom used to make all the time. And it was like a ground beef with like tomato sauce and she would serve it over rice. But that's just because when it was stressed, it looked like a flattened meatloaf served over rice. You know, you do.

We make all these survival meal dishes that when I started making money and I could, and obviously I wanted to, you know what we do for a living, it takes a lot out of you. It costs, it takes a lot of energy physically, mentally. And so I'm like, you know what? I'm seeing more family members get diabetes, high blood pressure. You know, I gotta gotta be able to and how can I eat some of my favorite dishes but obviously healthier so that's what got me into cooking more you know boy I wish I would get that inspiration because it never comes you better believe I love Postmates I'm Postmates everything I don't cook at all I think like a food delivery service or something because like I just I can't be bothered I don't like

cooking there's always like fucking all this shit you gotta clean up afterwards and then it's like for one plate of food I've I learned to well my mom taught me to clean as you cook. So yeah, I clean as I go. So there's not a lot of dishes. And here's another thing. Whenever I'm in a relationship, I will cook for you, but I'm not cleaning afterwards. I'm not fucking Cinderella. So if I cook you a meal and you're going to love it, there's not a lot of dishes afterward. That's also a test for me.

If my guy or the guy that I'm dating or whatever isn't automatically like in my kitchen sorting through, let me tell you to sit down and don't worry about it. You understand what I'm saying? Like don't have me where I'm in this kitchen and I'm cooking this bomb ass meal for you and I know it's going to slap and there's hardly any dishes because I also can't cook in a dirty kitchen. So I've cleaned beforehand. I'm cleaning as I go. So at minimum, it's the pots that I cooked your meal in and the dishes that I'm feeding you on. If you can't bust a sudden,

that will be the first and last time that I cook for you. So that's that. But yeah, no, it mainly just, I just want to live to tell the tale. I want to have the energy to do it. So, yeah.

I don't cook that often. have cooked four people before i once cooked meatballs for this man and i didn't want to use the mic because i i cooked them in the microwave but i was like well this man is over so like i don't want to put them in the microwave so then i tried to heat them up in a pan and then I was like yeah these are good and then we cut into them they were rock hard frozen solid so then I was like oh I guess I should just like put these in the microwave it was bad I did so bad that was the first time I cooked for a man and it didn't go well. Yeah, because you fed the man microwave meatballs. But they're good. They're from Trader Joe's.

The Trader Joe's turkey meatballs. They're so good. So they're not even meatballs you formed in fashion. You warmed up frozen meatballs from the Trader Joe's? Yeah, and I should have just put them in the microwave. I should have pre-microwaved them and then put them in the refrigerator and then heated them up in a skillet. I don't know.

I did bad. It was not good. Yeah, it's called death. Babe. Nobody got sick. They were just frozen. Girl. But now in my old age, I can make actual dinners that doesn't require a microwave.

So, you know, I learned. The next time you're in L.A., you have free time. Mm-hmm. I want to extend to you a night at my house. I'll teach you a couple of easy dishes. Ooh, what are you going to teach me? What would you like to learn? I, because when I can't, I want you out of these streets.

And I want you out of these streets and I want you to live to tell the tale. So I can teach you like a fish coubillon. It's a basically. What's a coubillon? It's basically stewed fish. So it's got peppers, carrots, a fish of your choice you stew it i know have you i feel like i know the answer to this question i feel like you're going to give me a big no but have you ever been to avra in la what's avra okay so there's this dish it's mediterranean food

there's this dish at avra where it's like a sea bass in it's like a traditionally greek mediterranean so it's like sea bass stewed in peppers and onions capers it's got carrots uh potatoes i i've made a bootleg version of that dish i think it's called like some sea bass shabaki sir girl don't make me lie um so i can i can teach you how to do that it It's very easy. Um, I think I can teach you, I can teach you how to make a jambalaya. That flavorful. You said easy. Jambalaya sounds hard. It isn't.

And it isn't, you know, it's all in preparation. Like for me, like one of the things, cause it sounds like, cause obviously we're busy, right? We don't have a lot of times like chop up all the peppers and onions and all of these different things. So what I'll do is I'll, since we're at Trader Joe's, I'll get like frozen peppers from said Trader Joe's or whatever. Frozen cut up onion, put it in a big ass Ziploc bag, mix it all together, have a separate bag where it's just frozen onion. I get green onions, chop them shits up, put them in the freezer.

And then when I need it, that's like the heaviest thing. Cutting up all your peppers, all your seasonings. That's half the job. So now you're just seasoning your meat or seasoning your fish. Preparing it. Throwing everything in a pot. Boom. I can get you in and get you out.

I mean, you say it so easy, but most of the food in my house is expired. My friend came over and was like, do you have any snacks? And I was like, I have popcorn. It expired in April, but I think the food in my house is expired. My friend came over and was like, do you have any snacks? And I was like, I have popcorn. It expired in April, but I think it's still good. But you have I don't have I don't know. I don't I'm not a snacker. I like eat a meal. And then that's it. You got to be me halfway, babe. I don't know how I can get you out of these streets. If like every time I'm trying to lead you to the light, you just are insisting on going back. You insist on staying in the dark. Well, I mean, I can make a couple of things.

I can make, like, pasta dishes. No, you can't. I make good chicken. No, you can't because you get your balls from Trader Joe's and you warm those shits up in the microwave. Well, that was a while ago. Currently, I can make good chicken. How? I can make, what do you mean how?

How do you prepare it? You season it. Well, first I beat it so it's like softer or like whatever. And then I season it. And then you put it in the pan that's like heated up already. And then you cook it till it's like good in the middle. So like a chicken pillard? I think I'm saying that right?

Last name pillard? I don't know. But that's how I make chicken. Okay. And what else? What else? I can make like a Alfredo-y fettuccine sauce or whatever. I can make it like the actual way,

which is butter and cheese, but I can also make it with the cream. I can make like tomato, like ground beef, like spaghetti. I guess I'm not a good cook. I don't know why I'm trying to be like, I'm a great cook.

I've made a couple people, oh, I can make lasagna. I can make mac and cheese. I can do those things. Well, let me tell you something. Being a good cook is not a guarantee to get you out of these streets because I'm a great cook and I'm still out here. I just want you to live to tell the tale and I want you to not

feed these people frozen meatballs that you warmed up in the microwave again. I want to put an end to that. If these dishes that hopefully I'll have an opportunity to teach you how to cook, you know, lead you to the love of your life, then just remember to put my invitation to the wedding in the mail. That's it. I will. Alicia, do you have any advice for single people out there? Cause we've come to the end. No bitch. If I wouldn't still be single are you insane give me advice the fuck i mean fair oh i feel the same way when people are like do you have any advice i'm like no no you know what you know what my advice is turn those

lemons into lemonade as you did with why won't you date me And as I did with Unleashed for Love that is available right now on Audible. That's my advice. There you go. Okay. If you, thank you so much for being here. Wait, I was going to ask you if you wanted to promote anything, but then you did just promote your...

You did it so fast. I did it so seamlessly, but I can do it for you one more time. Wow, rock my little sock. My advice for all you single people out there is take your horrible dating lives, stories, create a show, and sell it like I did to Kevin Hart, Charlamagne Tha God, and Audible, our show Unleashed for Love, which is executive produced by myself, Kevin Hart, and Charlamagne Tha God. I love it. Huge shout out to Sarita Wesley, co-creator and writer of Unleashed for Love. The road to dating hell is always easier when you have girlfriends that help buffer it along

the way. And so shout out to Sarita Wesley. Unleashed for Love is comprised of her hellish dating stories, my hellish dating stories. And we were able to package it up for you guys and sell it to Audible. It's available on Audible right now. Alicia, I forgot to ask you, would you date me? Yeah.

Well, hold on. Here's the thing. No, because you'd have me eating trash foods honestly fair i would i would i'm not gonna even like pretend that i would fair i get it i do i love trash um i really do and also if you want to hit on me you can write me an email at whywantyoudameypodcasts at gmail.com. Make sure it's nasty. Or some recipes. Send her a recipe.

Or send me a recipe. But I won't read those. Okay. This person said, hi, Nicole. I want to take you on a date to a local farm. We could feed some chickens and then take turns riding pigs. Then we'll have filthy pig sex in the mud with each other, not the pigs. You get a vaginal infection from that.

I can give you antibiotics since I'm in school to become a registered nurse. This date idea was inspired by you wanting an artistic rendering of yourself riding a pig. I have no artistic talent, so I typed in Nicole of yourself riding a pig. I have no artistic talent. So I typed in Nicole Byer riding a pig into an AI art app. And the attached photo is the result. Hope you enjoy. You know what? I don't enjoy this.

This looks insane. Oh my gosh. Not for me. This man is wanted by the FBI. Guarantee it. How rude. Well, that's all. Bye-bye.

Bye. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye. This has been a team Coco production.