Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Live from RuPaul's DragCon 2018 (w/ Eureka O'Hara)

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

It's Why Won't You Date Me's first live podcast! Eureka O'Hara (RuPaul's Drag Race season 9 & 10) joins Nicole to discuss what it's like to have sex in drag, how Drag Race prevents their contestants from hooking up, and answers questions from the audience.For more drag queens on Why Won't You Date Me, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fg8EpuYou can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Panel for Why Won't You Date Me with your host,icole byer and special guests let's bring them in oh boy what a fun fucking treat okay you know her from season nine you also know her from season nine. You also know her from season 10. She the elephant queen, Eureka! Yay!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, I love it. This is the first ever live episode of my podcast. It's called Why Won't You Date Me? I'm truly on a quest to figure out why I'm single, even though I'll suck your butt. You know, same know? Same. Absolutely same. Like, all you have to say is hello to me, and I will truly just be down there going to town.

So, Eureka, are you single? Hello. Um, am I single? Hell yeah, I'm single. Fuck these motherfuckers. They're all shady as hell. Shady as cat shit. What are you looking for in a partner?

There is no joy like a fat butt boy. Honey, when a butthole's furry, it makes me not worry. I want you to sell that as a t-shirt that is so funny to me and you know what else is important taking care of yourself y'all know I ain't doing no shitty kitties don't try it

keep yourself clean baby keep yourself clean have you ever eaten a butthole and haven't like found shit I don't know how to answer this question I've eaten a butthole and it did not taste so good I'll tell you that I'm not sure if it was shit but I'm assuming but honey

so I smacked her on the ass and put her coins on the dresser and hit the door I have yet But honey, so I smacked her on the ass and put her coins on the dresser and hit the door. I have yet to encounter that. And I feel very lucky as a person who sleeps primarily with straight men. Because straight men are disgusting. They are disgusting. They're fucking dirty and filthy.

And then they're just like, come on, get down there. I'm like, can you take a shower? Right. Can you? No, bitch. I have a story now. You don't even No, bitch. I have a story now. I have a story now. Girl, I used to, you know, I don't know if you know, but I lived as a trans woman for five years.

I didn't know that. Yeah. So five years I lived as a lady named Erica. I now consider myself a gender neutral elephant human hybrid queen. Okay. Because that's what I decide to be. But when I was a lady, I would have, you know, and I always called them straight men because mentally they're straight,

although they were a little bit curious, right? Mentally straight men and gay men are completely different. Meaning, he came over, you know, my sister was there. She was sitting on the couch. Before he came over, I done told her, I said, if you fucking look at him sideways i'll beat your motherfucking ass don't get no twisted ideas bitch take your ass in the bedroom and stay there well he walks in girl her eyes got this big she all bright out and bushy tail like hi i pushed her ass in the bedroom um so he got it you know we was like making out it was all hot it was all tatted and fine got in, you know, we was like making out. It was all hot.

It was all tattered and fine, honey. Next thing you know, he throws his legs up in the air, bitch, and had shit in his butt crack. No!

Bitch! Oh my God! I literally said, what the fuck am i supposed to do with that maybe he was living like a baby fantasy he like he wanted to change his no he said i just got off work i said what'd you do at work shitting yourself all day shit no literally shit uh it was awful so i let him get in the shower and i did it anyway but he cleaned it up real good i also taught him how to douche oh that night yeah public service you did yeah it was a public service for me to douche if you're gonna yeah girl i mean or don't eat for 24 hours. But that's not an option for me.

Oh, never for me, girl. Never for me. So have you ever fucked in drag? Down. Yes. Oh, baby. Yes. Girl.

Now, there's two people in my life. One is David, which is my boy persona. Right. She's a diva. She's a total bottom slut. Honey, but Eureka's a dumb top, bitch. Yes. Girl, look at me.

I'm here to be your motherfucking fantasy, honey. I love it. You're like in full drag. You're like a dominant top. You take the wig off and then you're like, please pound me. No, really. Love it. Girl, if the wig comes off, whether the makeup's on or not, you're pounding me.

Honey. So don't you pull on this hair, bitch. I'll smack you in the face. I mean, same. I mean, yes. I once had a dude pull my wig off as he came, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And then he goes, Nicole, you are not your wig. And I was like, this is not the time to have a moment with me while you're inside of me. Ejaculating.

Truly. Yeah. It's just like a fucking cum shot to the back saying, look inside yourself. You're not your wig. What is happening? The funniest part of this is she's acting like she didn't let him come in her. You know? She's lying.

She's lying, y'all. You're right. I love to get all gooped up. Girl, y'all know it feels good. Y'all know it feels good. Is there children in here? There is a child? Oh, no.

You are a horrible parent. Horrible parent. Yes, for leaving. The children need to learn. Actually, yes, educational. Sex education, ladies and gentlemen. horrible parent yes for leaving the children need to learn right actually yes educational sex education ladies and gentlemen

sex education okay can I ask have you ever dated a drag queen thinking that hard I guess no actually

kinda oh yeah oh girl I'm an idiot actually when it comes to relationships whenever I left season 9 I had to have surgery

everyone knows you know boo hoo-hoo, whatever. I got over it, right? We're moving on because we're bigger, we're better, we're faster, and I will always beat you. I will always, always beat you. Right? Shameless reference.

Joan Crawford, realness. Okay. Anyway, so this boy who was actually kind of like a drag daughter of mine, real incestuous. I'm from Tennessee. We randomly started dating and he took care of

me while my knee was getting fixed and his name was Tekela O'Hara because he already had my last name. Oh my god! I was dating my daughter because we were real crazy in Tennessee. But yeah yes, I did.

And it was all right. It was all right. And then your knee got better and you kicked him to the curb? Right. Then I walked out the door. Bye-bye. Right. No, she started getting real deevy with the kids at the bar.

You know what I mean? It was like, oh, I'm dating Eureka O'Hara so I can be a cut to everyone. And I was like, yes, you can be all the cut you want to be at your house. So do you find that when you date people, they try to use you for your fame and notoriety? Absolutely. How do you combat that? I fucking love it.

Do you? Bitch. Big girl get it where she can, honey. What you need? Call me, you'll hear it a whole time girl i had getting traded the other night girl he said i'm honey boo boo and i'm a beauty queen bitch his dick got hard so quick i said you nasty as hell but you like that i slurped it up bitch

honey had my juice box box pop I love it so does anybody fuck on drag race like y'all are at a hotel together sequestered y'all get down no girl they done learned from past seasons so now girl when you're sequestered

in the hotel bitch they put mask and tape on the door frame so they know if you leave the room, bitch. Swear to God. Swear to God. I mean, girl, you're only, the thing is, is you're filming for 12 to 14 hours in a day. Bitch, you get maybe five hours in your hotel.

You are not leaving it. You know what I mean? You do not even want to leave. I love that they set a trap for you. Oh, yeah. We saw the tape. Right? They're like, why is your mask masking tape moved, Eureka?

Oh, I piss them off all the time because we would slide notes under the door to be able to do things. And if I wanted to smoke a cigarette, because I'm a horrible person. I smoke too. Whatever. Okay, good. Oh, thank God. We can smoke after this.

Yes. So I would slide my note, girl. You know I'd be anxious. I'd be walking back and forth in my hotel room. Oh, my God, is that a foot walking by? Is that a foot walking by? Girl, so finally I would just open my door and be like, hey, y'all. I want to smoke a cigarette.

They'd be like, Ricky, you can't come out. I'm sorry. Can I smoke a cigarette now? I'd be like, fine, girl, come on. I'd be like, hell, yeah. Watch me, you, all the way to the pole, man. Truly, that sounds fucking insane that you have to shoot for 14 hours

and then you're just in this hotel room alone. I feel like it's designed to make you fucking insane. Well, y'all are watching season 10. The bitches are getting batshit crazy for a reason, you know? Honey, some of us don't like quiet time or alone time. I'm like that. I would literally go nuts. Yeah.

I would be like moving that tape around. Right. Can I be my friend? Excuse me. Can you be my friend? Girl, listen. This is my photographer here, my assistant, my best friend here. You'll let them know, bitch, I don't go anywhere alone.

I always have to have someone around me. I draw people's energy, so I'm like, you'll let them know, bitch, I don't go anywhere alone. I always have to have someone around me. I draw people's energy, so I'm like, you better be fucking happy. But, girl, as we've seen the PAs from filming, girl, they're all my best friends. All my best friends, because I'd be like, bitch, get your ass in this room. Talk to me. And I would word vomit and vent, honey, for hours. They'd be like, girl, we have to do other things. What if I die in here?

I'm sad. You know, honey, most of them had soft hearts. I could make them feel bad so they would sit there and listen. I love it. So do you online date at all? Well, now do you. And then in the past, have you? Online dating.

That's a random question, right? How do you feel about online dating? I mean, I hate it. The world is filled with just trash. And they're all filtered onto Tinder where they are just awful. They're just fucking awful. Oh, my God. Bless your heart.

And you have a vagina. I do. Like, literally, straight men heart. And you have a vagina. I do. Like literally straight men are even worse. They're the fucking worst. Because they don't give a fuck. No. They are truly awful. I'm going to read to you a message that I recently got from a man.

Please. He is truly having a whole conversation with himself because I haven't answered. He said, how's your Saturday going? Mine's been perfect. Hung out at a friend's show, snapped up more plants for my garden, cooked up some good grub, then tossed in a nap.

Hope your evening's a fun one. That was in April. And then yesterday, hope your night's going perfect. Good night. And then today at 6 a.m., are you ready to kick ass and have a fun weekend? It's Sunday.

Girl. Like, the weekend is done. Also, who the fuck are you talking to? Right. I have yet to respond to him. I don't give a fuck about your garden. Truly, I don't. I've never cared about a garden.

Right. Except your own. Yes, I prune my own garden. Not well. it's bushy the other day i got tired when i was shaving my pussy and i just stopped right so like you got half a bald pussy half a furry pussy yeah it's like a mullet so then okay so this other guy greg, he said, you need a baby, no, you need a daddy baby

girl. So I said, I mean I am looking to get pregnant. What are you doing tonight? Same. Then he said, I'll get you pregnant, baby. I said, great. How will the custody work out? Do you want weekdays and I'll take every other weekend? And then he stopped messaging me.

Ah! Girl, he said, no child support today, bitch. Right, you know he probably works at McDonald's. Probably, but I mean, hey, that's a free Happy Meal every day. Girl, I worked at McDonald's in high school. Did you really? Yeah. How many of you all work fast food? Anybody? Be proud,

bitch. That's a hard-ass job. Yes, yes, yeah. Bitch, when I tell you you work real motherfucker hard for minimum wage at a fast food restaurant it's literally blasphemy it's fucked up fucked up but i just wanted to tell you uh too long honey three days you work there for three days no i worked there for four months girl still too long in high school uh worst job i ever had but i but I was actually really good at it. You know, they was like, we need you on register. You've got the greatest person.

I'm like, hi, welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please? You want a number six, super size, with a Coke and a large fry. All right? I would love to walk into McDonald's and have you. Oh, girl. I would change accents. I did that, too, when I worked retail.

You had to. I'd be like, you want some new pants? We've got lovely ones over here. Which is very bad. The best part is when you're on the intercom and they only hear you through the speaker. So you're like, hello. How are you? And then they through the speaker. So you're like, hello, how are you? And then they get to the window and you're like, hey, how you doing? And they're like, they look around.

You go to the next girl. I used to run from one to the whole other. And then hit on their order being like, have a wonderful day. Maybe a whole nother person. They'd be tripped up. They're like, there's a country person and then an English person and an Irish person. And they're all the same person. Right.

Twilight Zone shit. So confused. I worked at Lane Bryant, which was just awful. It was, not to be rude, but all the customers, I think, were just hungry. And they were so mean to me. They were so mean. And I don't understand why. Because you were pretty and you're confident

and your size, your shape and everything in between. You are a motherfucking diva bitch. Y'all give it up for this bitch right here. Yes! This is why I leave my house so people clap for me. It just feels so good. Do people slide

all up in your DMs being like, yo, take this dick? More than you would think. Actually, yeah, randomly. I get DMs all the time that are like, and it's really fucked up too because it kind of pisses me off. Because I'm just like, you're a bitch. Because they'll message you and they'll be like, I just wanted you to know, just so you're aware, even though you might not believe it, I think you are extremely attractive out of track.

Oh my God. And I'm like. How rude. Fuck you. No, usually what I respond is say, send me a whole pic. I think it's rude when people decide to compliment a fat person and be like, I actually think you're pretty.

It's like, bitch, so do I. Why? What do you mean? Where was the discussion? Who was worried? I look great all the fucking time. I know! Stunning, actually. Stunning. And then, when people are like, you're pretty for a big girl

I'm like, mm-mm, pretty, period because there's a lot of ugly, thin people in the world Oh, more ugly, thin people than ugly, fat people I have to admit I agree Right Right

Well, we're squishy, we're comfortable we're good incubators in the winter. Honey, we got beautiful round faces and most of us actually know how to do makeup. Honey, we're not walking around with garage doors on our eyelids, you skinny ass cunts. Honey. No, I'm just kidding. Garage doors on eyelids is such a funny thing because I know exactly what you're talking about. I know exactly what I'm talking about.

Just like, doop. Okay, wait. Back to my fast food story. Yes, please. I digress. But I was actually going to tell you a sex story about meeting someone in a drive-thru. About what? About meeting someone in a drive-thru.

I was working. This is perfect. Right? I was working. And this guy, like, he randomly knew me as Eureka, but from the bar I worked at there before Drag Race and all that. And he was like, oh, my God, I come and see your shows all the time. I would love to.

I'd love if you come out and like smoke with me. Do you have a break coming up? Because I was like, I do now. Girl, he was fine as hell. Light skin, creamy looking, pretty teeth. He had me in his teeth, bitch. You got good teeth, bitch. I'm all for it. If you have bad teeth,

I'm still down. But I was really for this one. So, girl, I go outside. He's like, yo, what do you want to do, honey? I said, suck your dick. What do you mean? I got 15 minutes. I got 15 minutes. Girl, he literally folded his

seat down and did me in the back of his car on my break in 15 minutes. Girl, he literally folded his seat down and did me in the back of his car on my break in 10 minutes. Yes! Girl. I love it. That's when I was 19 and had no inhibition about life. Would you do that now?

Absolutely. Absolutely. I don't think I've ever fucked anybody at work. Well, I did. I worked at this theater in New York and there was this intern who was very hot and he finger blasted me in the bathroom once

and I say finger blasted in every sense of the word he was just like rawr rawr and I was like oh memories I was like, oh, oh, oh. Oh, memories. Beautiful.

It sounds gorgeous. It was truly amazing. One of those moments you just had to be there. Yeah, you just had to be there looking in the bathroom being like, I don't know if she's having fun. But I was. Right. I truly was. I wasn't being attacked by his hand. I was being loved by his hand.

Loved just aggressively. Okay, bitch. She likes to get the inside scratched, honey. I do. She said, claw at the walls, daddy. Yes. Claw at the walls. Come on, catnip post.

That's the best. You're like, oh, you really hit a wall. Ow. I like a wall. Ow. I like it rough. Right. Well, that's when you know the boy knows what he's doing when he hit a wall. You made it to the dead end. Marry me.

Marry me. I thought this was a roundabout. I didn't even know there was a dead end. No, bitch. It's a dead end. So, wait. Where do you live now? Do you live in Tennessee still or do you live in LA? Oh my God, okay.

So I literally this past month just moved to WeHo. Ooh, yes. Wild, wild. And it started to make me feel real fucking horrible about myself. No. Girl, walking down the street, every boy that walks down the street is like a fucking Greek god god whatever yeah i swear but you know what's amazing about those people that are overly obsessed with their body image they love hate fucking fat people

they do bitch and i'm all for it i'm like daddy you done at the gym? Don't shower. Leave the must. Come on. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Everyone loves a little man smell. Just a little. A little. When it's a little too much, I'm like, uh-uh. Oh, well, clearly. You're ripe as fuck.

Right. No shitty kitties. No shitty kitty. Get in the shower. Girl, it went from man smell to Fritos, bitch. Right. That's when you know you fucked up. I mean, right now I would be like, I'd never fuck a man who smelled like Fritos, but I know I would.

Like, I absolutely know that I would. I just met you and I absolutely know that you would. I do. Thank you. I'm so glad that that radiates off of me. The smell is beautiful. That was her imitating her vagina. Or my vagina.

I'm not sure. Okay, I want you to look at my Tinder profile, and I want you to tell me what you think is wrong with it, what you think is good about it. Okay. Encore. I don't even get on Tinder. Is it worth it?

No. Oh, okay. So this is my Tinder profile. I'll save the iCloud space. So just describe what you see to people. What do I see? I see a cocktail. So it says, I'm here for a good time.

The lid to that cocktail is randomly on your head, which says, I will give you head. Oh, there's a Barbie Jeep, which says, I drive. So she got keys. Okay, okay. Well, she's holding a giant penis with eyes and a mouth. So it says I'm looking for dick. That's good. That's good.

Oh, ass shot. Definitely likes the anal. Oh, and now there's a dog. So she doesn't mind being the bitch in the role. Okay, okay. Oh, and now she's a dog, so she doesn't mind being the bitch in the role. Okay, okay. Oh, and now she's at the beach, so she's letting you know, I love my body, so you better worship it or you're not getting a piece. I see this.

And then here's what my profile. Should I read it? Yes, please. All right, kids, I'm going to read it. Less than a mile away. All right. Period. No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm a big old bitch with a fat ass. Hey! I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh. Some things to know about me. I'm definitely a thought, the happiest out there. I'm also a PYT,

probably yodeling tonight. And I'm USA, usually sitting around. Also, I'm all about that D. And by D, I mean dinner. Okay. Yeah! Right?

It's a good profile. That is a Hallmark card. Right? Like, I need to get that for my mom for Mother's Day. And I have just been pulling in trash, and I can't figure out why. Maybe you need to put lunch instead of dinner. Or actually, you know, you probably just need to be honest and say dick. Let's be real. Well, okay.

Is that code word or what? It used to say I love dicks. And I just had a picture of me in that big dildo without the googly eyes on it. Oh. And sometimes I'll die. When I say it's a big dildo, y'all, I'm talking about like this.

It's like two feet tall. It's so big. Yeah. I found it in a sex store and I was like, this is my friend. But like, so I would pull in some cute guys, hook up with them, whatever. But then I would get no repeat customers. And I'm open for business and I want people to come back for more. Right.

And I can't figure out how to get repeat customers. I only get people who come shopping once. Wow. Wow. Wow. That sucks. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Well, probably because you hook up the first time. You know what I mean?

If you give them a piece the first time, you know, men are weird, I think. Honey, if you and them girls, it don't matter if you're gay, straight, bi, whatever. Men are all the same. If you give up immediately, they got what they want, and they're going to pump off. That's my problem, bitch. It's my problem, too.

Because, girl, when that energy's there. I love sucking dick. I love to suck dick. Oh, my God. Everyone say it. I love to suck dick. I love to suck dick. I love to suck dick. I love to suck dick.

You are some filthy mouth motherfucker. Nasty. Horrible. I truly have only met one dick I didn't like. It was this guy. I wish I could remember his name because I would tell all of you. Well, that's why you don't know. So you could be there.

But it was bent. It looked like someone had punched it. What know but it was like bent it looked like someone had like punched it what but it was like a like a drain pipe it was bent and he pulled down his pants and i was like and i couldn't be like go home you mutant so i like sucked it the whole time i was sucking it i was like oh my god someone would have to love this man to ever do this again. Because it was so weird. And it was the weirdest dick I'd ever met. And he was just like, fine. Men are confident.

Oh, yeah. If my pussy was all bent, I'd be like, just FYI, she's a little bent. No. You know what the worst dicks are, though? Are the boys who know they have a small dick, but they tell you they about to tear it up. They talk the game. They're like, oh, baby, when I'm

done, you ain't gonna be able to walk. You ain't gonna be able to talk. I'm gonna fuck your layer nicks up. I'm gonna fuck your walls down. They show up, bitch, ain't even getting in the hole. That's the worst I once fucked this dude with a micro penis

and he was like come on let me hit it from behind and I was like what are you hitting bitch been there he couldn't my butt is so big and I was like I can lay down and take a little I'll do that and he was like

no you take it like this and I was like why are you being so aggressive with nothing why are you fucking my butt crack right now I have done that the worst is when it's small and it's like you know anal the first penetration is always the worst right it's the hardest part

when it first in there it hurts well when it's little and you have a deep crevice of a crack like a Grand Canyon crevice, you need at least three inches to make it to the hole. You know what I mean? Two to three. When all you got is four, and you just over and over repeatedly penetrate you, it's literally horrifying.

It's like someone is stabbing you with a knife over and over again in your butthole. That's a good PSA for little dick men. No. It's like someone is stabbing you with a knife over and over again in your butthole. That's a good PSA for little dick men. No. It's the worst. It doesn't feel good. It just hurts. It's nice to let them know. Please stop.

Right. Stop fucking people. Right. Girl, just hang me upside down and give it a shot. You know? Do something. They make extenders, though. Did you know that?

Extenders for your dick? So they make these like strap-ons that you like put on when you're hard and your wiener goes in it and it like wraps around your wiener so that when you're doing it, you're also being pleasured at the same time. Oh.

But it adds a few inches. Oh, that's nice. Do you want to know how I know this? How do you know this? You have one? I own two. Yes,

bitch. For just in case. I have it in white and black. Because you never know. I would love to meet the man who's offended that you don't have it in his color. Who's just like, I'm a black man and I can't wear a white dick. The thing is,

the weirdest part is I've never met A Latino male with a small penis So I just didn't get one I don't know if it's like the uncut thing Or what but it's like There's something magical about Latino men That's like I have a giant Penis with a hat on it

I love an uncut dick You do? Yes Do you like them circumcised? They hurt less going in. A circumcised one? A circumcised. I don't know what it is.

Well, I think it's natural. I don't know why. I don't know. You're supposed to be uncut? Maybe. I just love them. It's like just wearing a little costume. And you got to just pull it down.

And then it grows. And you're like, ooh. And then when you jerk them, it gives you like a little extra oomph. I know. And then when they're inside, yay! Oh my God.

A veiny, uncircumcised dick. Wow. I'm so horny. I just got a visual. Girl, after this, you're going to be on Tinder. You're going to change dinner to dick. You're going to change laugh to eat my vagina. It's going to be amazing. It's the worst when you go out with a guy who don't eat your pussy.

It's just so sad. Do you feel the same way about your butthole when someone doesn't eat your butthole? I don't really like my butthole, because I'm afraid I'll kill someone. Honestly, what a fantastic headline. I'm not really. Eureka opened her face or butt and slammed it on someone's head

and then passed away. Death by writing face. Hashtag Eureka. I don't think you'd go to jail. I think everyone would giggle. Yeah. I would use that story in every comedy segment I ever did. No, literally, I tell people all the time, like, who's ready to eat my ass?

Anybody in here want to eat my ass? Not now. Not now. No, but I'll do that in a crowd. I'll be like, who likes to eat ass? Who likes fat chicks? Y'all some brave motherfuckers. Maybe I'll do that.

Just go out into the world and be like, who wants it? You know what? You might be surprised. This sign language interpreter. She has had to interpret some awful things. I know. And I would apologize, but I'm not. Can we take a moment, though, and watch her sign language?

Some key words. Yeah. Okay. Cunt. Okay. Dick. Okay. Dick. Oh! Ooh!

Um... Asshole. Pussy eating. Yes! Ah! Woo! Yes! That is my favorite one!

Okay, okay, one more then, one more. If that's pussy, one more. Dick sucking. Yes! That is my new best friend. Honestly? I need her to be everywhere with us. Truly.

How amazing. That is so cool. That was like eating a Subway sandwich. For my listeners who are not here, sign language for eating a dick is like showing your big long arm and then shoving a sandwich inside of your face. I'm not describing this well. Actually, I think that was...

I'm not looking at you now! I know, right? I love it! I want to be your friend! What's your name? Tabs? Nice to meet you. What a treat.

I love this. This is so good. It's so fun. This is my favorite. I can't handle it. Okay a treat. I love this. This is so good. It's so fun. This is my favorite. I can't. I can't handle it. Okay, okay, okay, okay. This way.

You got to look this way. You're going to get stuck, I think. I have ADD and I didn't take my medication today. I have ADD and I took double doses. Did you? I feel incredible. What medication are you on? Xanax.

That's not for ADD. Anxiety? Yeah. Anxiety? Okay. Okay. Okay, cool. That's what I have.

I'm anxiety. I mean, I think we're all on Xanax. Okay, it's come to the point in the podcast where I ask you a question that I ask everybody, and it's I know we don't really know each other, but would you date me? Would I date you? Bitch, hell yeah.

Bitch, yes. Yes, I would. I mean, we ain't fucking. We ain't fucking. Because I can promise you I do not have enough dick for you, girl. I do not. I already know. I'm just going to be real. You got those exteriors.

I mean, I got enough dick. I got enough dick, but just not for you, I don't think. Fair. I feel like I need a baby's arm kind of dick for you, girl. Honestly, yes. I want to be able to throw a log into it, and I would never feel adequate enough. But what we could do, tag team back again. Call your sister. Call your friend. Hey. Hey. Hey. Gid do, tag team back again. Call your sister.

Call your friend. Hey, hey, hey. Giddy giddy. Kit Kat. I'm thoroughly entertained by you. I love you so much. So, okay. Does anyone have a question you would like to ask me? Or Eureka. Please. There's one hand okay please come here and talk come on down if you got questions get up here and line up like we're in kindergarten

honey don't be afraid so listeners who are listening at home or wherever the fuck people listen to right we'll hear you at this point there is no reason for any of you to be embarrassed for any question we have talked about buttholes shit sucking, sucking dick, shoving logs in her vagina. I mean, come on. Okay, what's your question? The door opens as we say shoving log in vagina. It's a two-part question. Yes.

So when is season two of Nailed It, and can Eureka be a host? Okay. Very good question. I don't want to lie to you, but I think it's coming out in the summer because it's already shot. And I pitched to them an all-drag episode, so I don't know if it'll actually happen,

but I was like, please? I love drag queens, and that's it. Cool, thank you so much. She is a drag queen, y'all. Yes, she is. I honorary condone Nicole Byers is a drag queen y'all I honorary condone Nicole Byers as a drag queen herself

because we're all queens I have a question for Eureka if you could have a one night stand with any member of Drag Race from any season who would it be? oh my god can I pick more than one?

if it's all at the same time? boom alright Cameron Michaels for sure who would it be? Oh my God. Can I pick more than one? Yeah. If it's all at the same time? Yes. Boom. All right. Cameron Michaels for sure. Let's just get it in. Sharon Needles because I feel like

it would be terrifying but amazing. Stacey Layne Matthews because she'd probably be so fun. I just want to watch her get like donkey fucked. And

Tammy Brown. Yes! I wonder what Tammy Brown is like in the sack. Probably in the red top. What about you? Who would you pick? Cameron Michaels. Of course you would. Give it up for this little slut.

Yes. Thank you so much. Hello. What is your query? Hi. My question is for both of you guys. So this is kind of embarrassing, but I am 27 years old

and I've never had a boyfriend. Never done anything. That's fucking fine. I'm 30 something and I've never had a boyfriend. So my question's fucking fine i'm 30 something and i've never had a boyfriend so my question is where do i start oh oh shit okay okay well so wait can i get it can i get a little more information is that okay um i'm sorry do you mind if i ask are you saying that you're a virgin? Yes. Congratulations. Where do you live?

Fresno. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow, the crowd really hates Fresno. They're like, oh no, girl, you're going to die alone. It's garbage. I just need to tell my assistant, will you message seance people so we know?

I bet we can get a lot of money for her. What? She's a virgin. Oh. Truly, truly missed that joke. I'm going to have this bitch light the black flame candle. I was very confused. I truly was like, you sell people? Human trafficking?

This took a dangerous turn. So you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? Yeah, but I just don't want to give it up on Tinder, if you know what I mean. Sure. Well, then maybe invest in like eHarmony. eHarmony rejected me. Farmers only. Match.com, like maybe a pay site because people seem to say that if you're paying for it,

like people care more about it. Do you go out? I am a kindergarten teacher. So... Oh! What an incredible example you are. Yeah. So are there any hot teachers?

No, not really. Okay. You're in Fresno with children. Okay. You don't have people around. It's garbage. I think maybe an app might be, like Match.com I think might be the best bet. Maybe a move.

Yeah, move to L.A. No. Move away. On all seriousness, past the joking, I think the biggest thing, randomly I, not randomly actually, I think confidently, I have a lot of people that get interested in me regardless in or out of drag. And I've asked people before, because I've been able to date people

that probably were, in some people's eyes, above the standard of what people would think I would be dating. I only date hot motherfuckers. I'm sorry. Same. I know my worth, honey. And if you want a piece,

you got to own up and be right for it, you know? And I think that's what helps. It's really about how you carry yourself and your level of confidence. Sometimes women worry that they can't be assertive and strong women because men aren't going to find them attractive, but it's not true. What you have to do is you have to own yourself, see yourself as beautiful, see yourself as sexy, and then those men are going to feel that from you, and they're going to find it sexy and attractive too. Aww. Eureka.

Aww. That was so cute. Thank you so much, Eureka. Also very true. Thank you, baby. And I see it for you. Yeah. Thank you.

I don't see it for myself, but I see it for you. I definitely don't see it for me. Thank you so much. Okay, come. I love you. You're sweet. We love you. Thank you for being honest thank you uh question for eureka what do you see

two questions actually one question being after season 10 do you have any other plans in the future doing other shows yeah who said all stars? Y'all, you already think I lost, bitch? Yeah, wow. I'm going to erase that shit right out the air. Okay. My future plans are this. One, I am working on some music.

I'm working on skit acting. My biggest dream is to be a skit artist. And I would ideally love to eventually work on SNL. You know? Yeah, why not? Dream bigger. Yeah. Get your own show.

Fuck SNL. Right. Fuck it. Do it. You alone. ENL. And then I studied TV and film in college, so I've always wanted to work in the industry. I moved here for greater opportunities, so I'm really just going for everything I can.

I also enjoy doing a lot of spoken word because I'm a very emotional creature. Not only am I a skank whore, I am also a drama queen. So I like to write poetry. It's how I do therapy.

So I'm going to try to pursue that a little bit more. Come up with a one-woman show so I can travel and make money. And hopefully tour and represent the world as your season 10 winner. bit more. Come up with a one-woman show so I can travel and make money and hopefully tour and represent the world as your season 10 winner. That's the goal. Thank you so much for your question.

I don't have time for a second question. I'm so sorry because we got to end soon. What was it? You can tell me. Did your hairstyle come in rub with the side of Talibah Frisco? You want to fist me? Is that? Oh, okay, okay.

Oh, because it's a loaf? Okay, we're past it. We're past it. I love you. So I'm filming this, so my Instagram followers know that my life is so much better than theirs. Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That was good.

So rude. Stunt on bitches. Talking to the mic. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's okay. It's just that the people at home hear you. We're all three pretty thick bitches, right? Sure.

How do you two combat the gay hate, especially in the gay community? You don't have to deal with that as much. Oh, I deal with straight men who say they don't want to fuck fat women. We get the no fats, no fans, all this hate because we're a little bit thicker, you know? I combat it because if you don't want to fuck me,

then you don't deserve me. And also, like, I don't need to be in your presence if you are that fucking negative all the time. And how dare you say that, like, no to one thing? You know what I'm saying? Like, you might be shutting the door on the love of your life just because you have an aesthetic problem and

also like fat people you could fuck us in a bunch of different places you know I do this you can fuck my chin like you can we're just we're better to fuck armpit fucking kneecap fucking I mean, shit.

My answer to that is, to me, when someone says, oh, I'm sorry, I'm not into fat guys. I say, oh, I'm sorry, I'm not into insecurity. Because to me, if you're judging someone on their appearance, you're the insecure one. And I would rather fuck a confident fat man than an insecure sexy bitch. Yes. You know what I mean? So I think the biggest thing is, girl, fuck them.

Literally. I mean, well, obviously they won't let you. But what you can do is just be above it. Don't let it bother you. I think that's the biggest thing. It's hard not to because in our community, especially in the gay male community, and of course,

even, well, it's actually a lot similar with women. We fight the same stereotype that it's all about body image. It's about the idea. For women, it's obviously that shape. If you don't have big boobs and big tits with a tiny waist, then you're not sexy. With gay men, if you don't have a six pack and look like an Abercrombie model, now you're allowed to be hairy that's the thing then you're not attractive and you're not getting you know hit up on Grindr or whatever well bitch then get

on Scruff you know what I mean get on Adam for Adam yeah find your tribe bitch get on Craigslist oh shit they took it away bitch Craigslist used to be my thing okay girl I just let them know up front you know let people know up front, you know? Let people know up front who you are

and what you're looking for. And if they don't want you, bitch, they're not worth your time. It's just the way it is. Fuck those chauvinistic motherfuckers. Okay, so we only have time for like one more question. I'm really sorry. Can we go over or no?

Yeah, let's do it. We're the boss. We're the boss, girl. What? Okay, well, we're going to get at least these questions. Come on through. Make it quick. I just wanted to say,

modern dating is so weird right now, but my question is, what advice would you give to the perpetual victims of the I'm just not looking for a relationship? That person is telling you the truth. They are not looking for a relationship, so you got to go somewhere else. No one's going to lie to you and be like, I'm not looking, but I'm in love with you. Let's get married. That's never going to happen. You got to just

move on. I mean, I think the truth is they were just using you for sex to begin with. Not that you're not good enough because you are to be in a relationship, but ideally to them, you were just a piece of meat, sadly. So you just got to tell them, fuck off. Beat that ass, honey. Kia's car. Sorry, baby. Hi, so the short version,

but I wanted to know what is each of yours worst catfish story? Worst catfish? Oh, girl. Oh, girl. Do you have one? Oh, I got one. Oh, I got one, girl. Do you have one? Oh, I got one. Tell me. Oh, I got one, man. Girl, there was this guy. He was like supposedly

this country man. He had all these tattoos, beard, everything. Girl, I was waiting, freshened up, fluffed up, laid out on the bed, booty in the air, honey. Had the candles lit. He pecks on the door. This was a Craigslist hookup. I'm not gonna lie. I ain't gonna lie. I opened the door. This was a Craigslist hookup. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I opened the door. He was like, he comes in. It was this older guy. He was

much older than he said, which, girl, I'm okay with a daddy. I'm all right with it. And I was trying to make a dollar, right? I was trying to make me a little $40, okay? I'm just being real. I'm just being real. This was several years ago. There's no shame. Girl, I was trying to make my little money. Water bill was due. That's why it was $40 because the water bill was only $40. And this man looks at me and he was like, oh, you're much bigger than I thought you were. And I was like, okay, I'm sorry. You know, I was like, what do you mean?

He was like, no, like tall and stuff. And I was like, okay. And he was like, I better go. I didn't bring money anyway. I was like, what were you going to do? Rape me, motherfucker? I was like, what was you trying to do? He was like, because he was talking about being forceful and all it is.

That's fucking rude. Well, I picked his ass up and shoved him out the house. Like literally picked him up. Did you take $40 out of his pocket? I love that you charge people your bills. He didn't have no money, bitch. $39.99, please. $39.99, please. $42.70, please. This was a desperate time

two weeks ago. Thank you so much. Okay, real quick. Hi, hi, hi. Just having dealt with a lot of rejection, it's really affected how I feel about myself

and how I view myself. So what advice would you give to try and kind of conquer that and get past that? I think you got to look at yourself in the mirror every day and go, Ooh, I'm cute! Which is what I do. I literally picture you doing that. Truly. Every morning I'm like, oh yeah! My roommate's like,

I don't know. I guess when I don't do it, he'll be like, she dead. Right. He's like, oh, she's in her feelings today. She passed away. She must be depressed today. My advice is very similar, honestly. You have to just tell yourself. The thing is, I try to tell as I travel, is

no one in this world, no matter how hard you're looking for it, your mom, anybody, has the ability to love you as much as you do. It's really true. It's okay, baby, cry. I cry all the time. You saw episode one through seven. You know what I mean? It's okay to have feelings. The thing is, bitch, that you literally have the power to do that. And when you decide to use that power to love yourself more than anyone else can, someone else is going to see the ability to be able to love you too. It's really, really true. It's been about three or four years that I've truly started to really love myself. And the people I'm around are loving themselves and they're loving me.

They're falling in love with me. Like these three people right here are my friends, but probably love me heavier than a man ever could because of how much I love myself, you know? It makes it possible. Good luck. Good luck. All right, last question.

Yes! Oh, baby. That haircut's on tight. Yes, ma'am. I don't really have a question. I just wanted, baby. That haircut's on tight. Yes, ma'am. I don't really have a question. I just wanted to say thank you guys. That is so sweet. Thank you so much.

Thank you guys so much for representing for the big girls. Thank you for representing for body positivity. I really appreciate your confidence, your willingness to show off some skin, to be big, to be beautiful, to be bold. I think there's just so much stigma and stereotype and hate and ugly. And I think it's just great that people have role models like you two. And I just really want to say thank you for that because I'm all about it. I'm all about the big girl love and the positivity. And also, Nicole, if you ever want to switch teams.

Ah! Oh, baby. I will date the shit out of you. Yeah! Uh-huh. You remember that finger story you was telling us about. And I tell you what, mine is as big as I pay for it to be. Yeah!

Yeah! What a treat! Oh! Oh my god! I'm going to fall out of this chair! I'm so wet! Oh! I've never been hit on

that hard! I've never been squirted in the eye until now. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I know, girl. It smells good, though. Truly, thank you. It smells good, yeah.

I can live off that for the rest of my life. I know, that's right. Girl, it made me want to be a lesbian. I mean, I do fuck women, so. Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay, you see these double doors back here? We are there in 10 minutes.

Right. It's real dark back there, bitch. Well, guys, thank you for coming out. Yeah. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with Eureka. Oh, thank you guys so much. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. this has been a team coco production