Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Love in Theater (w/ Jesse Tyler Ferguson)

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

Actor Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family) joins Nicole to share his proposal story and how it was hilariously overshadowed by Sofía Vergara. They chat about food as a love language, their shared love for musical theatre, and the aftermath of the "Take Me Out" Broadway show nude leak. Jesse reflects on the challenges of working on Modern Family during a time when there were no gay writers. Plus, the wild story of getting hit by an accidental squirting.Check out Jesse's podcast, Dinner's On Me.  Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Ooh baby welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcaster, Meena Kulbhair, was trying to figure out why I'm still single, even though you could drive me to Utah, leave me there, throw everything out of my house, and when I come back I go, wait, is this my house?

And you go, no. And I go, okay. And then I roam the streets until I go, wait, that is my house. And then I move back in. My guest today. Oh no. Usually they're dirty. Let me think of a dirty one.

Okay, even though you could throw Cheerios in my mouth, come in my mouth and say, that's a special milkshake. Ew. My guest today is a Tony Award winning actor you know as Mitch Mitchell from Modern Family. Also, I saw him in Take Me Out on Broadway and honestly it was so good. And I saw him in the 25th annual

Fulton County Spelling Bee. And we went to the same school! Same school! Whoa! Whoa! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! And he is the host of the podcast, And we went to the same school! And he is the host of the podcast, Dinners on Me, available everywhere you stream podcasts. It's Jesse Tyler Ferguson!

Yes, that's why you need that coffee right there. Okay, this is a venti iced coffee. There's no ice. No, because it was bought a while ago, and that's okay, it was in the refrigerator. Okay, okay. And there's no classic syrup and four shots of espresso. Shoot. Shoot me, Jordan!

Boom! Brrr! Oh my God, and Nicole has shot out of the roof. Goodbye! Wait, okay, Jesse. Yes. So you're married. And Nicole has shot out of the roof. Bye! Wait, okay, Jesse. Yes. So you're married. I am.

That's lovely. It is lovely. It's lovely because I like the person I'm married to. You know, I wish that for me. So wait, how did you meet? You met in a gym, right? That is correct. We met at the Equinox in West Hollywood.

Oh my goodness. Really that's kind of like where the fantasy ends. I mean, we were both like fully clothed. So Modern Family had just started. The pilot had just aired like a few days before. And Justin, my eventual husband, was, he was studying for the bar exam. He's graduating from law school. And so he was studying for the bar exam. He's graduating from law school.

And so he was also very interested in the fight for marriage equality at the time. That was like really churning along. Proposition eight, which had taken rights away from same-sex couples here in California, was like highly active and it was a touchy thing. And so he was getting very involved in that fight. So he approached me just to sort of say,

hey, I think the modern family is gonna do like really great things for this fight for marriage equality and like, he told me all these really beautiful things. And I'm like, how old are you? What's your name? Like, I was just like, you're cute. You like me?

You think I'm gonna be successful? Hello. Oh. And he was like, he kind of like got scared and ran away. But then we found each other on social media and I asked him out and he was like, I would go out with you, but I'm seeing someone right now, but we could go out as friends.

And I told him, because I'm 10 years older than him. So it's like, and I've been doing that dating thing where it's like that ambiguous thing. Is this a date? Is it not a date? What's going on? And I was so tired of it. I was like, oh, I have enough friends.

And I took a pass. I was like, I don't need a weird, complicated relationship with a guy 10 years younger than me. I get it, I get it. But I always go, I'm in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the mystery. I love going home being like, was that on a date?

Does he like me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But smart on you to be like, I don't need any other friends. But it took me a while to learn that. It did take me a while. And eventually I saw him again months later and I asked him how his boyfriend was.

And he's like, oh, we're no longer together. I was like, great. So I'm gonna take you out to dinner. And I think he even said like, this is a date. So I was like, I'm not gonna do the ambiguous, like is this the date, is it not a date thing? I think he was just like really excited by my, like I was just very specific with my needs. I mean, I think that's smart and I wish I knew how to do that.

My therapist is always like, so if you tell somebody what you want and they run away, at least you know that they don't want the same things as you, but I'm like, but it's the running away part. I don't like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not nice. No, it's not nice.

So after Modern Family came out, did you have like people in your DMs being like, mm, Justin. Well, this is the thing, because I met Justin so early in that process. Well, I mean, I basically did the whole first season, I was single. And then Justin and I started dating around

the second season, when the second season started. But I didn't have, people were really saying, you should hold off and just sort of let yourself be single during this time. And I mean, a piece of me is just really glad that I didn't, I don't know. Well, I mean, it's an opportune time to be really slutty. It is.

You know, because you're successful and visible and it's like, uh-uh, I can have whoever I want. I mean, but can I? I'm also so, I mean, I don't wanna say I don't have a great self-esteem, because I do, I think I leave myself, but I don't have, I'm not the type of person that, if I'm not 100% sure that you are 100% into me,

I'm not gonna even try. Oh. Yeah. What am I like? Yeah. What are you like? I don't know. I think when I was younger, I'd be like, whatever. We're gonna just throw shit against the wall and see what sticks. And now I'm like, I think I'm now

I'm a little bit more cautious. Right. Is it because you don't want to get hurt or just because you don't want to waste your time? Oh, I don't want to get hurt. Oh, I'll waste time. Oh Lord. Ooh, you better give me some time to waste.

Yeah, yeah. I've wasted so much time on people. It's the getting hurt part where I'm like, oh, I don't wanna be sad. Right, right. You know? Right, but I mean, you've also, I'm sure, rejected people or said no to people.

Barely. Barely. Barely. I've rejected maybe five people in my life. Okay, but those five people might've been sad that, and it wasn't a personal thing for them, or maybe it was. All five people I rejected were scary. Oh! And in a way we're like, they weren't doing well.

Right, right, right. They were on their own journeys. I don't think I was ever a thought, I think they were like, okay, on to the next lady. Like, I don't think they cared. But dating, as you get older, just gets harder. Wait, so you haven't done apps or anything, really? You know, it's so funny. Like, right when Justin and I first met,

I did upload, download, upload, download, upload. Who knows? I put Grindr on my phone, but it was so new. I really didn't understand. I don't think Grindr even understood what it was. Like it was just, it was like, oh, friends that are close. Friends that are close, then none of them will have a face.

Right, right, right. But it was one of those things, I was like, oh, I think this is something different than I expected it to be. And I didn't, I wasn't active on it for very long, but I was still like, I did the whole AOL chat room thing. Like I'm old enough for that. I'll be 48 this year.

So yeah, like in my 20s, early 20s, the AOL chat room was the thing that you would do. I also did chat rooms, but I was a little younger. And my screening was Hot Chocolate, 808. And I would be like 13 being like... Is 808 the area code? No, eight's my favorite number. Zero's my sister's favorite number.

And I was like, better put on another eight. Yeah, why not? Because otherwise they'll figure an 80-year-old. Oh my God, I didn't even think of that. They're like, man, this lady is old. But I would just be like, I have big boobies and I'm 34. Oh. Which. Oh. Which is insane.

And I was just like, I don't know, trying to like catfish these men. I don't know. Like I was just trying to like get them to say nasty things to me and my friends. Like, oh my God, he said that nasty thing. Yeah, I will admit going into a theater chat room when I was in like my early twenties.

Wait, what's a theater chat room? It's like basically the same thing. It was like, you know, dating chat rooms, but it's like for theater lovers. And I would fish around to see if people had seen, Broadway fans are like, insane. Insane people. Insane.

And so now they have these chat boards that you could check in on, which are really super dangerous. And if you want to go down a bad spiral, just go on one of those when you're doing a play in New York. But I would egg on people to be like, oh, has anyone seen the recent production? And like, I would give them like,

I think Jesse Tyler Ferguson, the redhead, is like super talented, anyone else think the same thing? And like, but there would be people be like, eh, overrated. You know, I'd be like, I don't think so at all. Like, argue with them about me, you know? Wait, that's so funny to go in looking maybe to hook up with people and then you're just arguing with them being like, no, he's great.

I mean, I'm great. I mean, they're incredible. Like, that's so funny. Pictures, question mark. Oh my God. I was on a Broadway chat room for a minute, or message board, it was for Rent. Oh yeah.

Yeah, people loved Rent. And I do for Rent. Oh yeah. Yeah, people loved Rent and I- Oh boy, do they have rent. Do love Rent. I went to Amda when it was changing over from Rent as the favorite musical to Wicked. Oh. So like people would argue over which one is better

even though they are so different. Nothing alike. So different. Like Wicked doesn't even have AIDS. No, I know, what's a musical without AIDS? Yeah, I don't know. Wicked, Wicked,'t even have AIDS. You know? I know. What's a musical without AIDS? Yeah, I don't know. Wicked, Wicked. That's what it is. Did you hook up a lot at AMDA?

I dated my roommate. Oh. Who is so sweet. We're still friendly. Like when I see him around, like I always say hi. He hasn't changed really at all, which is crazy to me.

But yeah, I basically was hooking up with my roommate. I love that. Did you date Ananda? No, there was very few straight gentlemen there. I get it. I saw myself as I was asked that question. I was like, this is a really stupid question. Yeah, it was so funny.

By the second semester, I was living with my male best friend, Evan, and we asked, we're like, oh, can we live together? And they're like, yeah, absolutely. And I was like, wow, no pushback? And I was like, oh, cause we're not fucking and no one's worried about me getting pregnant or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they know what's up. God, it was so, did you live in student housing? I did, I lived in a building on 86 between Riverside and West End Avenue. Ironically now it's a nursing home. Well, we lived in the Stratford Arms, which was a mental institution, I believe, that turned into an assistant care facility.

And in New York, you cannot just evict people, so we lived with old people. And it was wild. Yeah. But I had the most fun I ever had. I had the most disgusting apartment. Oh, it was so gross. We had mice, I think.

We had mice too and cockroaches. And I remember once waking up to my roommate fucking her boyfriend who was in town. And I was next to the window and I was like, boy, the window is steamy. Have I told this story before? No. Okay.

So I was like, oh my God, the window is like steaming up. How weird. And I was like, it's kind of like hot in here. Like a locker room. And I turn over and her little toes are curled up in the air. And she was like, and I was like, oh, I was so mad. I was like, how dare you have sex with me

while I'm sleeping in with like rodents running around and cockroaches. It was so gross. And I woke up and I leaned over the bed and I was like, let me know when you're done. I'll be in the hallway. I was so mad. Oh God.

Oh, amda. Amda. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Who proposed to who in your marriage? Well, I proposed to Justin,

but I definitely had the assurance that he was ready when I was ready to ask him. And I don't know if it was because I was older or like Wyatt broke down that way that he's like, you ask me when you're ready. Which makes me think maybe he was ready before me, but also he's 10 years younger. I was thinking like, I didn't want to rush him into anything.

I was like, let's just date for a little while. I don't want to like, you know, make you- You got engaged two years in? Just about, maybe a little over two years. We were on vacation. It was so- In Mexico? In Mexico. It was Sofia Vergara's 40th birthday

and she was having a big gathering of people in, I can't remember the name, the Mayacoba. Is that the name of the town, Mayacoba? I don't know, she's in Mexico. I don't know. Listen. Is Mayacoba in Mexico, Mars? Get on it! What's the plan? No, no. Oh yeah know. Is Mayacoba in Mexico Mars? Get on it! Mazatlan?

No. No, no. Oh yeah, yeah, Mayacoba. Luxury hotel and residence. Oh, that's the name of the hotel. Ooh, luxury. What town is that? What town is it in, do you know?

By Andes. Playa del Carmen? Bar entry? Playa del Carmen? I think it's Playa del Carmen. I don't know. We will get to the bottom of this. Oh, these details are really aren't that important.

How about that? But sometimes I get stuck on it and I'm like, no, I have to figure out this. I know, I know, I know, I know. I want to sound smart. So you can edit out all the like, the me fumbling and then just like go right to, wow, he really knows geography. Wow, he knows my stuff so well. But Justin and I went to Tulum, I do know that's where I was, for a week before Sophia's.

And so I was with Justin and I knew that that was where I was gonna propose to him. And I decided not to get him a wedding band or a wedding ring. We were gonna get wedding bands eventually, but I was like, he doesn't need a engagement ring. So what I got him instead was a Rolex watch that had diamonds on the edge.

And then on the back of it, I had it engraved saying, I spend all your time with me. Right? Right? But now a Rolex watch isn't something you can just like really slip into your pocket. So traveling to Mexico with it was tricky. I ended up checking it in my luggage, which was probably a bad mistake.

A Rolex? Yeah, a Rolex, yeah. Probably not the smartest thing to do. But then once I got to the hotel room, So, traveling to Mexico with it was tricky. I ended up checking it in my luggage, which was probably a bad mistake. A Rolex? Yeah, a Rolex, yeah. Probably not the smartest thing to do. But then once I got to the hotel room, I was like, where do I put this? And like, we didn't have a safe in the room. And so I was putting it like in like the tube

of the toilet paper. I was like, that's weird, that's weird, that's weird. And I was like putting it in different drawers. And just since also, you know, being a lawyer was like, what are you doing? Why are you, what are you moving? I was like, he's gonna find this thing in a matter of days.

So I was carrying it around with me to different dinners, trying to like propose to him, but it was never the right time. Finally, there's this one morning, I was like, I gotta unload this thing. And so he was out enjoying his coffee, like enjoying the view. And I like just get out there and like,

almost like stubbornly like get down on my knee and like hand him this thing. And he's like, what's happening? Like there was nothing romantic about it at all. I was like, I gotta get rid of this thing. Yeah, do you wanna get married? He was like, ah. So anyway, that's how I proposed to him.

Not romantic at all. I mean, it was pretty. But then a few days later, we went, we met up with Sophia and her group of people and it was at this big resort and we weren't like really, I mean, in Tulum, we were sort of, it was sort of rustic. And now we were like, there was like marble floors and like it was this big resort and we weren't really, I mean in Tulum we were sort of rustic and now we were like, there was marble floors and it was just very beautiful.

Elegant, luxurious. And I told Sophia privately, I was like, we got engaged and she was really excited for us. Well at the time, her boyfriend, this was before she was married to Joe Magonella, but her boyfriend at the time, she was traveling with him, he also proposed to her on that trip. Oh my God.

And it like made national news like within three seconds. Really? Yeah, it was like all over the press. And so like there's a, Justin and I weren't gonna announce it or anything, but there was a piece of me that was like, God damn it, she really stole my thunder. Just within the circle that we were in,

like no one cared, like literally the whole world was talking about her engagement. And so then that night we had this party, she was celebrating her engagement. Like then she wanted to say, I want to say something about you too as well. So she like, she said afterwards, she's like,

oh, and also my good friends, Jesse and Justin just got engaged a few days. Well, as that was happening, one of our aunts was like walking down the set of stairs and fell and she didn't hurt herself. was like walking down the set of stairs and fell, and she didn't hurt herself. But like all of the attention was immediately taken off of us again.

And was like, oh no, Tia, Tia, are you okay? And I was like, oh my God, we're never gonna catch a break. Like no one gives a shit about our engagement. Ah, reboot Modern Family, that's a perfect storyline. That's so funny. We could not catch a break. Oh my God.

You're like, what about us? We're important too. So ridiculous. God, that's so funny. Real quick, we have to take a break. ["Single People"] Jesse, do you have any advice for single people? I'm single.

Do you have advice for me? Oh God, like what, like just general advice? Yeah, I'm like, I don't know. I just feel like as someone who's been, I don't want this to sound braggy, but as someone who's been married for 10 years, I just don't even know where to begin. No, I get it. I feel for you. I will say, I can give you like a shoulder to cry on.

I feel for you. It's hard out there. It's so hard. What's the hardest part for you? Just meeting people in general or like figuring out which app to like focus on? So I got rid of all of the apps in like January and then I was like, I'm gonna meet people in person.

And then me and my friend Poonam went out and got too drunk and I was hungover for three days and I was like, well, I'm not sure how to meet people in person without getting shit faced. I guess I'll get back on the apps now. I'm back on the apps and it's just- Do people know who you are? Sometimes I generally date men.

How do you navigate that? Straight men and they don't. Okay, okay. And then they love to be like, oh, I've seen you in one thing and that was like, okay. I'm like, okay. I guess I navigate it, okay. I guess I navigate it. Okay, it's vibes.

If you tell me too early, I won't like it. If you tell me too late, I won't like it. It's just, I don't know what it is, but it has to just be like, it has to feel chill and cool. That's all it needs to be, truly. Yeah. God, when did you guys decide to have kids? Were you like, all right, this relationship is solid. Let's throw a curveball at this.

It was an accident. No, we... No, we... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Unplanned.

Totally unplanned. Oopsies. Oopsies. Um, I think we, Justin seems to remember that we talked about it, like, even in our early days of dating, which doesn't seem right because I think that would have scared me.

But maybe we had sort of discussed it, but I do know that when we were married, after we got married, Justin said, let's wait five years. Okay. Which, you know, I'm really glad we did. I'm glad we got to have those five years of just being us and us being able to travel. And, but I do remember after that five year mark came

and went, I was sort of like, okay, like not because I was super itching to have children, but also I was just, you know, I'm getting older and like, I just don't want to be like a super old dad. Fair. So I'm tired and I already was having back pain. I was like, let's just, let's just get this going. Let's just do it.

So, and then after we had one, we're like, oh, do we really wanna have a second one? I mean, every step of the way, we're like, are we really doing this? But we are, first of all, I have to say, we're really good parents, we're great parents. He's a kick-ass dad, I'm a kick-ass dad. I really am so glad we did it, and I'm so glad we're done.

See, I mean, that sounds good. I don't, I would never be like, I'm a kick-ass parent. I'd be like, you know what? You don't know until you try it. I've been a nanny. Oh, have you and you don't feel like you did a good job? No, no, I did a great job, but like it was exhausting and I didn't like it,

if that makes sense. But no, I've been a nanny too. And like, there's something about when they're not, when they're not your kids. Yeah, I did, that was another one of my weird jobs when I was in New York. I was taking care, in fact, I was such a great nanny or manny or however you wanna say it,

that I got poached from another family when I was in the park. In the park? Yeah, I was with this family's kid and then the families knew each other. And they're like, they basically like, so listen, I mean, how much are they paying you over there? And I was like, I ended up working for both families,

but like they would get mad if like I was unavailable because I was being poached. I love that. So I was good, but I agree with you, it was exhausting in a way that I'm not, there's something about when you know that there's a time limit to the kid, when you start approaching that,

it's an hour before I get to go home, you start shutting down. Yes, and I'm like, oh my God. You don't get that, it's an hour before I get to go home thing with kids. That's why I don't want my own. Yeah. Cause I would like to go home. I know, I know.

You know? Yeah. And when I nannied, it was like, iPads were everywhere and iPhones, they grab my phone. I'd be like, no, you don't get to go on my phone. And then I'd be like, you know what, actually you don't get your iPad. You have to play with your brother

or we have to go outside and do things. And I was like, I don't think I could keep up with that with my own kids. I know, we're pretty good about not doing screens. We definitely have never done it at restaurants. Who's to say if that's gonna change? I don't know. For a while we were like,

we're not even gonna do them on airplanes. And I was like, oh, that's a big one. Yeah, man, ooh, that is. We caved real fast with that one. Cause it's a long time of like, all right, let's keep you entertained. That's the first thing they get. That's the first thing they get on that trip to New York.

So you're shut up, please. But when you are deciding, okay, I'm gonna interact with you and I am gonna go outside, that shit's hard. It's so hard. And exhausting. Yeah, one little boy that I nannied, he liked to help old people.

He just loved old people. Whenever he saw a walker, he would run up to them and I'd have to scream, he's helping you! Because it looked like he was trying to push them over, but he was just trying to help them move faster. He was such a little sweetie. Oh! You really think if you did not meet,

if you met someone that you're like, I really vibe with you, I want... Is like no kids a thing that you like lead with? I don't lead with it, I want, is like no kid a thing that you like lead with? I don't lead with it, but I just kinda hope that you don't want them, cause it's like, if you're my age, almost 40 and you don't have them, hopefully you don't want them? Yeah, no, you do get past, like there's a threshold

where after you get past it, it's sort of like, it's not so much a thing anymore. Yeah, and my house has a lot of hard surfaces and I'm not trying to kiddie-proof a thing. Yeah. Like those little plug thing. Yeah, we had to move. Oh, you did?

We had to fully move when we had kids. Really? Yeah. I had a great Spanish home in Los Feliz. I still to this day, I'm so sad that I don't live in it. Aw. But I have a great house now, but the only reason I don't live there

is because I have children. And Spanish homes are just hard. Everything's hard in them. Everything's hard. Tiles. And they were built like a hundred years ago so the banisters are always like three feet low. You'll topple right on over.

That's right, yeah. Goodbye. Wait, so nobody was slipping in your DMs and stuff after Modern Family and after like- Maybe a little bit. I mean, that summer after Modern Family started, it was kind of weird. I mean, the people were still getting to like, learn what the show was.

Also, I just feel like, I don't know if Instagram, was Instagram really even around then? I know Twitter was, but like... But no one's trying to like DM you via Twitter. I find it so wild that nobody was like, mm, let me in. I don't think so. I don't know.

I kind of, maybe, and I just wasn't noticing. Maybe. I had a really fun summer, that summer before I started dating Justin, and I was being a theater kid in New York again. Yeah, I got it done. Okay. I got it done.

Don't worry. I'm so worried. Did you ever do I'm so worried. Did you ever do touring productions or did you only do New York and Broadway? Only New York and Broadway, but I did, I was part of, did you ever do theater works, like the shows that are like built for kids?

No, but I do know what it is. Okay, so yeah, those are tours that would go out across the country. I got to do workshop productions of them. So like we would figure out the shows and then once they were like kind of fully realized, then they would cast them for, you know, for them to tour the nation.

But we would tour them like, it's like New Jersey. We'd like, we'd be able to come home every night. So you're not going too far, try a set area. I was like, you know, and the thing about the theater works tours is you have to put the set together yourself. So we were also guinea pigs to see if like, that's even doable. Oh God.

So, you know, we would sometimes be like, the sets too heavy and it's breaking my back. And like, well now we know. And like, but you still have to put it together for this production and you know, new work. God, that's so funny to think of actors being like, I'm the wall, I can't, I simply can't put it up. Truly.

That would be me, I'd be like, no, I can't. It's rough. It's too heavy. Again, not the weird job I had. Yeah. Did you ever hook up with anybody in the cast of things that you were doing? Did I?

I think I hooked up with a dancer in On the Town. Ooh! Right? I love shit like that. I did. It's so scandalous. Yeah, yeah. He actually, occasionally he dances for, I see him in music videos occasionally still.

I don't remember which singer he dances for, but someone cool like Christina Aguilera or something, I don't know. But I see him every once in a while. RJ was his name, is his name. R-R-R-R-J. But I think that this might be the only person I, you know, I had like little showmances, but nothing ever happened.

It sounds like you're deeply professional, and I appreciate that. I'm also afraid of being canceled. Like, you know, I don't want that. I don't want that. Nobody wants to be canceled. No, no, no. Yeah, I think it'd be bad. I don't think that. I don't want that. Nobody wants to be canceled. No, no, no. Yeah, I think it'd be bad.

I don't think I would do very good with it. But also, who's actually getting canceled? I know, there's a lot of comebacks. Except for Paula Deen. I know. She got canceled and she didn't get to come back. She hasn't been coming back, no. And I was like, come on, let her.

She's just trying to feed us all butter. She just wants butter. That's it, just a little bit of butter and more butter. I did, I mean, if this makes her feel a little less uncancelled, I did make her zucchini bread recipe the other day. Oh, that's nice. Oh my goodness, Paula Deen, you probably listening right now.

She does have a very good pound cake recipe. Does she? Oh, yeah, it's just butter. Butter, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so much butter. Yeah, yeah. What's the most romantic thing that you and your husband have ever done?

I mean, I feel like the watch that I gave him was pretty romantic. He does very, he's very thoughtful. I remember I had a, our anniversary lands in July when I was doing a play in Broadway, on Broadway, in Broadway, when I was doing a play in Broadway. Ooh, in Broadway! when I was doing a play in Broadway. Ooh, in Broadway!

Bless you. He snuck into my dressing room during a show and put pictures of us all over my dressing room, so when I got done with the show, I came up and there was just photos of us everywhere. That was very sweet. Aw. You know, he's very thoughtful with like flowers

and we do date nights pretty religiously. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, he took me away once to Carmel and didn't tell me where we were going. He's very, very thoughtful. Where is Carmel? Carmel's far. It's like four hours up north.

In a car you did it? We did it in a car. And then he just wouldn't tell you where you were going? No, and I was blindfolded. No, I'm just kidding. I was like, no, no. For four hours, kinky. Hey.

I was in the trunk, gagged. No, he's very thoughtful. I think he's more thoughtful than I am, truly. Oh. I was like, I need to take a page from his book. No you don't. I'm trying to be better about it. It works. You know what we do, we're really good about like,

on our anniversaries, you know, there's like dumb, like traditional things. Like wood. Exactly. And so like, you know, how do you make, exactly. How do you make wood sexy? And for that year, I had our front door remade and there was like a, cause it was a Spanish house,

it was a crest that was on the door and the crest would open up and it was like a little, you know, window. Little peephole. Peephole. I had it remade with the J&J from our wedding invitation. So that's, I did that and then he got me two avocado trees. Wait, I don't know which one's more romantic. I know, right?

Because I love avocado. I know, I know. It takes forever for them to start fruiting. And we moved away before they started fruiting. But the new owners of the home hopefully are enjoying the avocados. Did you leave the door? I took off the crust part and replaced it with the old one.

But yeah, the door is still there and it's very nice. It's very nice. So on Modern Family, there were no gay writers. For a while, yeah. For the first season? The first season, yeah. So did they ask you, were they like, can we say this? They would clear things with me.

How did that make you feel as the resident gay advisor for all of gayness? Well, I mean, there was a responsibility with playing that role because you did sort of feel like you were representing an entire group. And I think both Eric and I did feel that. And then I felt it maybe even more so, because I was actually gay in real life as well.

So when the writers were asking me, like, what do you think, how about you, what do you think about this, what do you think about that? And I can't even remember specifics, but I sort of felt like, oh, at least they're like, they wanna make sure they're doing this right. And then it got to the point where I was like, y'all need to get some people in that room

because I'm not a writer. I don't wanna be in the writer's room. I have zero desire to be in there. I was like, you ain't paying me like I'm in the room. Right, right, right. So they brought on a few people and it was great that we had them there. But yeah, I also feel like when I look back

at that first season, I'm like, I kind of see that there were no gay writers in the room, you know? And not because they were shying away from things. I just feel like there was a nuance that they didn't have that- Yeah, an authenticity where it's like, oh, this is from my life. Cause a writer's room basically is just telling stories

all day. Especially with that show. Yeah. And then adapting the stories into, you know, words for actors to say. And it's like, well, if you don't have any stories about being gay or being in a gay space, how do you expect to write it?

Exactly. Which is interesting to me. Yeah. Okay. I have a question. Please. So you co-authored a cookbook. I did. Food Between Friends.

So do you find food to be a love language? I do. I guess a little bit, yes, yes, yes is the short answer. I love, I mean, I love eating out with people, which is why I love my podcast, because I get to take people out to dinners. But I just feel like there's something really wonderful about spending some time in the kitchen

and gathering a group of friends together and feeding them. There's something so intimate about that. Yeah. And also terrifying at times. You know, I'd certainly have like a group of like five or six recipes that I go to, because like I've also tried to do a big swing of like, I'm gonna try something totally different.

And then I completely botch it and I have to, because I've also tried to do a big swing and be like, I'm gonna try something totally different, and then I completely botch it, and I have to order in food, and that's also risky. But I do, I feel like, I love providing for my family now that I'm a dad, I love making the kids lunches. So I guess it is a love language for me. How many kids do you have? Two of them, I got myself two of them.

Do you like them? So far, so good. Cause sometimes you're like, well, how old are they? Well, that's just it. One's almost four and the other ones will be two in like in November. So they're pretty young still. I would like the two year old best.

I like younger kids. I love a baby. This sounds terrible, but I like when they like, can't make a choice. Where it's like, I'm just gonna hold you. That's true. I mean, when Beckett and when Beckett, my older man started like walking,

he was, you know, we just started pushing him over for a while because let's just slow this process down a little bit. Oh no, you can't walk. No independence, no, oh no. That's okay, we'll just hold you. That's so funny. I mean, I love when babies let you hold them.

My little cousin is, I think she's two, or maybe a little past two, but she'll just let me hold her still and it makes, I love it. Oh, I love a baby. I know, I don't think the baby stage is my favorite. Really? Yeah, I'm waiting for the personality to kick in.

That's what I don't like. That's what you don't like. No, how do you have an opinion? You've barely been here. Do you know what I mean? I don't want it. That's what I don't like. That's what you don't like. No, how do you have an opinion? You've barely been here. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want it. Yeah, well, I don't really necessarily want it from a six month old, but like, you know,

when they start to like have ideas and like they're like expressing to you like what the world, how they see the world, that's really interesting to me. Yeah. No. Nicole has that, I get it face, but also no. Well, I don't know, they just like grow up and then they like start being rude. My friend has a teen and her teen is like, not rude, but she'll say things that I'm like, ow, oh my God,

Jesus Christ. No, I know, I know, I'm not gonna enjoy that part. Yeah, I don't want it. Yeah. Wait, we have to take a break. So you worked as a bartender during, when Katz was on Broadway. Yeah, I had a few like really weird jobs, but that was one of them.

How was that to like work in a theater being like, this is what I want to be on stage. I don't want to be serving drinks. It's so funny because, well, a few things. I, at that time, the bar, I think now it might be different, but the bar in the Wintergarten was basically in the orchestra level. So when I did the first, you know,

we served drinks before the show and then the whole first act would happen. And then we'd have to sort of sit there and like get ready for intermission. We'd have an intermission rush. And then during the second act, we'd have to like quietly put the bottles away and stuff. And so, but sometimes if there was a new Grizabella on,

I was like, let me see how her memory is. So like, so I would like stay and listen to her version of memory. And I actually kind of ended up learning to love the show. And because all the cats, the actors- Learning to love the show. Learning to love the show. I think love the show. Learning to love the show.

I think the longest running show before Phantom of the Opera, I think, took over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, it's cats. I know. Some people are like this. If there's one musical that like drives people crazy, it's usually cats.

I love cats. I loved cats. I love... Memory is a beautiful song. Gorgeous song. I think Jennifer Hudson should have won her Oscar for her performance in Cats. People really argue with me about this. I do love that Jennifer Hudson like crawled in.

She like, her entrance was her trolley. Like even Dame Judy Jentz was like, I'm gonna come in silhouetted, standing like a human. And Jennifer Hudson was like, no, I will come crawling in. Yeah, loved it. But so the actress playing the cats would make entrances from the house.

So the bartender's kind of like, we kind of got to know the cats. And we're like, okay, so this part of the show, old Deuteronomy will come by and he likes to have like a half an orange juice with some soda water. So we would give him like, you know, like little drinks to like,

and you know, they get annoyed if like, it was a new bartender, they didn't know that like, oh, I always get like a couple of apple juice or whatever, but you know, they get annoyed if like it was a new bartender, they didn't know that like, oh, I always get like a cup of apple juice or whatever, but you know, before this entrance. Anyway, so they got to know who I was. At around the same time was when they were casting the production that George Seawolf directed of On the Town, which happened,

but ended up being my New York debut. I ended up being cast as Chip in On the Town, which was the part that Frank Sinatra played in the movie. But On the Town is known to be a big dance show. I am not a dancer. I can move fine, but I'm not a dancer. So all of the dancers in New York were like, clawing for these parts. There's three great male roles in On the Town.

And so of course, all the people in Cats were trying to get into the show. And my friend Abe, who I became friends with later, who was in the company of Cats at that time, told me this really hilarious story about they were all backstage, just catty, chorus boys and theater queens, and putting on their makeup, putting on their whiskers.

And someone's like, has anyone heard about On the Town? Does anyone know how the casting went? And then one of the other cats from down the way, they were like putting their black on the tip of their nose, it was like, yeah, the bartender got it. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! That is so funny in like just a specific way, but if you like Broadway, you're like, oh, that's- That is juicy. That's a real treat. Yeah. And I bet they were so mad. They were so annoyed. The bartender got it. The bartender got it. in a specific way, but if you like Broadway, you're like, oh, that's a real treat.

And I bet they were so mad. They were so annoyed. The bartender got it. All right, man, movie! Oh, that's so funny. But it's also like has taught me a lot because I've gotten to be on stage, luckily, a lot of times. And I always look at, I was like,

who knows where all these people, the ushers and the people, the box office attendants and like the people selling the merch, like these are all, a lot of them are struggling actors. Yeah, they just wanna be in it. They just wanna be in it. I mean, I used to work at a gift shop on 44th Street across from Phantom of the Opera selling T-shirts, you know, of mostly Phantom of the Opera and Cats

and like whatever other shows were playing. But I would watch the actors walk by the gift shop on their way to their half hour calls. And I would think, oh God, I hope that's me someday. And Take Me Out, the show that I got to win a Tony for, is on 44th Street, just about four doors down from where the gift shop is. And so I walked by that gift shop every day

on my way to work to do take me out. And the manager that I had back then is still there. And so I pop in and say hi to Craig. And like, it was, I mean, it meant a lot to me. Yeah, that did not go unnoticed. That's so magical. And like, what a dream. Yeah.

When I finally got to perform at the Apollo, it was kind of like that, because I lived in Harlem, in like Morningside Heights, which to me is just Harlem. So if I like went shopping across 125th, I would walk past the Apollo and be like, one day. And then that one day came and I was like, holy shit, this is nuts.

This is so wild. You were so good and take me out. I went after, there was a penis leak. So there was security right by the stage. And I don't know if you can hear it from the stage, but the audience was mostly horny 40 year old women. And during multiple parts, you just heard people going, mm, mm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it's such a poignant show, filled with so many- Somebody big ideas. Huge ideas, racial ideas, and it's like the locker room or the shower scene is so nothing. Yeah, yeah.

And it's so funny that I'm like, wow. Yeah. Show a little dick on stage and you'll sell some tickets. You'll sell some tickets, I know, I know. God, that's so wild. I know, it was interesting because I was the only gay person, my understudy was gay, but I was the only gay cast member and I became really good friends

with this cast of straight guys and I just adore them so much. But I was also so, and you know, we're very supportive of one another. They would stand on in the wings and watch me when I was doing my monologue. Oh really? But there was like, I was like, I can't be like,

usually when the nude scenes were happening, especially the big one where they're all showering, I'm basically the only person who's not on stage. And so it's like, I can't be like standing in the wings watching this scene. Yeah, just, just the optics are weird. The optics are so weird. I'm just being supportive. It's like, Jesse, are you?

You know? But then like by the last, I remember the last performance, I was like, I'm gonna watch this scene. I'm gonna watch the scene. So I just told him, I was like, I'm watching the shower scene from the side. Don't be freaked out.

No. I've never been in like a Broadway show. Cause how long did that run? We did two four-month runs with a little bit of a break in between. What's that like? Is it like summer camp? That's what it feels like?

I mean, yeah, especially when it's, when you're doing nonprofit and you're not getting paid a ton of money, it feels like you're actually paying them for the pleasure of acting. It does, I mean, listen, I love a rehearsal room so much. I love that process of putting a show together.

I got to also do a one-man show on Broadway and that was like cool to have done, but like the process of putting that together was no fun because I didn't have anyone else to share this experience with. Yeah. And it does feel like summer camp in that way. Like you just become really close,

especially in a play where there's a lot of nudity. Like there are all these guys, the nine guys who had to get naked on stage, had such like a close connection because they had, they shared this like weird thing that they had to do every night. Yeah, you feel like trust each other. Yeah.

And we all had each other's backs and you know, when that leak did happen and there were some photos that were leaked on the internet, I was so upset for them. It was like, it takes a lot of bravery to go out and do that thing. And it should be a safe space. It's a safe space. Yes. Yeah, I was so upset for them. It was like, it takes a lot of bravery to go out and do that thing, and it should be a safe space, it's a safe space.

Yeah, I feel like theater should be, any type of theater, stand-up as well, should be a sacred space, because sometimes people think it's a nice thing to like take a video of my set and then post it online, and sometimes they'll tag me, and when I see it, I'm like, do you mind taking it down, because it's a work in progress? If it's not a special, it means I'm still working on it.

And people are like, usually they're like, oh my God, I didn't know. I'm like, you can actually repost it without the sound. It's just, I don't, it's not done. And then yeah, especially like a play. I don't know how you could ever be on your phone during like a live performance. I know, I know.

The etiquette that I saw was shocking. There's some crazy shit that I saw. And sometimes I'm like, do you think they can't see you? Because it's like, you can mostly see like the first four or five rows. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And depending on the lighting, maybe all of the orchestra. Yeah, we could see ya, we could see ya.

It's so wild. And the only thing we really can see is when you're looking at your phone and it's making your face glow. We can see that all the's so wild. And the only thing we really can see is when you're looking at your phone and it's making your face glow. Yeah. We can see that all the way up in the rear. Yeah, turn down the brightness. God, Take Me Out is such a good play.

Wait, what's your favorite play you've done? Take Me Out would definitely be up there. I really enjoyed doing Spelling Bee, but honestly, there was a production of Comedy of Errors that I did in Central Park. Normally, it's a play about two sets of twins, and they get confused in this town they come into. And normally the play's done with four actors

playing these two sets of twins. But we did it where I played my set of twins, the Dromeos, and Hamish Linklater played his set of twins, the Antiphiluses. And so it was a lot of running off stage and then like running under a tunnel underneath the stage and coming out the other side as the other person. It was so much fun to do. I wonder if that would drive me crazy.

It was so much fun to figure out. And I lost, the cardio I got in that summer. Was probably bar none. Bar none. Next to none. Next to nothing. Next to none. Next to bars. Bars, bars,? Bar none. No, next to none? Next to nothing, next to none, next to bars. Bars, bars, nothing, none, next to?

What am I trying to say? I don't know, but I know where you're going. Thank you. I know what you're getting at, that's all that's important. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I wanna do a musical, but I can't sing. Oh, you can't sing? No.

Not even a little? No. Well, I have a voice teacher. You can sing a little bit. His name is Doug. And when I'm with Doug, out of the whole hour, I'll be on key like for five minutes. And then I'll be like, you can do it, just keep practicing.

And then I'll go home and be like, well, I can't find these keys alone. So I don't know how to remedy that. Do you think you're tone deaf? A little, but then like after we work for like an hour, I can hear. Ah. And I can match the tones and the keys and stuff.

I just can't do it on my own. Let's try and sing this note. Let's try and sing. That's a harmony note, but that's also sounds good. A harmony note. Yeah. Bad. No, it wasn't bad, it just wasn't the note I was singing. It wasn sounds good. Harmony note. Yeah. Bad. No, it wasn't bad.

It just wasn't the note I was singing. It wasn't good. La la la la. But you sustained that note that you picked and I think that's very impressive. This is kind. This is kindness in action. Just a lot of people will be like, that was good.

That was really good. God, I just wish I could sing. I would make so much money. I would always be on some sort of tour. Do you ever feel that, like, I know that there's a stereotype that like, if you're black, you can sing. Yeah. And I know a lot of black people

who can sing real, real well. Yeah, and if you're fat and black, you should be so soulful. And I'm over here with no, no soul, no. It's sad, Jesse. I don't have any soul. I'll tell you that much. I can sing better without soul.

I don't know. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You were right. I auditioned for Rent, speaking of Rent. Did you? And it was like the widest. Mark? Yeah, from Mark.

I sang, and I said, what about breakfast at Tiffany's? Which is a song, it's a terrible song to sing. You can't act it. Hey. There's no, there's no. That's very funny. You're not, there's no range.

Wait, you don't have any advice on to getting into a relationship? You've been in a relationship for a long time. Oh gosh, okay, okay. Okay. Let me think. Oh Jesus, Nicole, Okay, okay. Okay. Let me think. Oh, Jesus, Nicole, all my advice. I'm just hearing myself before I say it.

Just get out there. Just get out there. Yeah, that's pretty bad. And just be the best version of yourself. I mean, isn't it terrible? It really is. You don't want my advice. No, I don't.

I guess I don't. But I guess being the best version of yourself is good. Yeah, I know Nicole when you're least looking for it, that's when it's gonna show up Wait, let me ask you don't people slide into your DMS you're on TV. Yeah, it's not straight men It's not well, it doesn't have to be a straight man. I'm very open to like whatever. I don't have a label. I refuse to label myself. Cause that's, I think, I don't know, not for me.

Yeah, I just haven't had anyone slip in my DMs and I'm like, ooh, okay, let's do it. Now you talk about being single a lot on your podcast, which I'm currently on. Do you don't think that, does this generate, does this drum, like have you looked at your comments on this? Yeah, I look at the comments. People who are on usually get more people in the DMs

being like, I can help you out with sex. Right, right. Right. Yeah, but also, I don't worry about people being like, oh, I don't want to date her because she'll talk about me because I say a lot that like, whoever I date didn't ask to be a part of this. So like, if we're dating, I would ask you before

I talked about you. Same with like my standup. I'm not trying to make anybody upset. Like my sister, I don't really talk about because she didn't ask for it. Right, right. Did you talk about her at one point and she got upset? No. Okay.

I just was like, she didn't ask for this. I've made the mistake of talking about family members and they're like, um. No, thank you. No, thank you. I don't want that. Yeah. Okay.

Well, she did say to me once, she was like, I can't imagine having your life. And I was like, okay. And I was like, okay. I guess that's like, she doesn't want to be in the public eye. So it's like, I shouldn't. Yeah, I get it.

Thrust her out there. I get it, I get it. I really wish I had some dating advice for you. I feel like I'm coming up short for you. Do you have any single friends? Well, God, bad question too. I mean, yes, but the thing is, they're single for a reason.

Like I wouldn't- A recent divorce? Well, no, that wouldn't be bad. But like, you know, it's usually people that are not so many single friends, I'm like, oh, there for a reason. Like I wouldn't- A recent divorce? Well, no, that wouldn't be bad. But like, you know, it's usually people that are some of my single friends. I'm like, oh, there's a reason. You're just real hard to date. Yeah. Jesse.

I know, I'm sorry. No advice. No single friends. The fuck? This is unerrable. What? Get out! What are pieces of advice that you've got that actually been helpful?

I think a good piece of advice is not dimming who you are when you meet somebody, like not trying to be like, oh, do you want me less loud? I get that. I'm just a loud lady and I'm a little strange. Do you feel like you've ever done that? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And you feel like shit too when you're doing it. Yeah, where I'm like a loud lady and I'm a little strange. Do you feel like you've ever done that?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And you feel like shit too when you're doing it. Yeah, where I'm like, oh no, I really wanted to make a horse noise. I don't know. Sometimes you just wanna be like, brr! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On a date with somebody. I mean, I guess, I mean, you said that a lot, you and your girlfriend went out and you got shit faced and then it did not go well. No. I mean, I guess you could like maybe start, I was gonna say, just start by like saying two drinks and then we're, that's it.

Well, we did that at the first place we went to and then went to a second place where the bartender was a lot of fun. So we were like, let's keep drinking. Now I get it. And you know what, you made the right choice. Yeah, I did have a really fun time. And I did get this man's number,

but we texted the next day and then never again. And then I really have had no other success going out into the world. Nobody's like doing that. I guess I should go to like singles mixers, but also, I don't know. Do I want to do that? Oh, Jess.

It's grim. It's grim and sad out there. I know, I feel like gay men have it so easy sometimes because it's just like, they all just, they just get it done. Kind of. Yeah. Not the straights, the straights are like,

oh, should we go out again? I'm like, yeah, let's go out again. Let's get to know each other. So we have come to the end. Jesse, is there anything you wanna promote? Well, Nicole, since I'm on a podcast, and I hear podcasts are the most wonderful place to talk about your own podcast.

So wonderful. I do have a podcast as well, as does everyone else in Los Angeles And it's a celebrity podcast was it which has has happened done It's called dinners on me and I take my guests out to a dinner and we have a conversation Over a meal and what I love about it and it might give you I want you on it actually It's okay But it might give you adjectives being a podcast host yourself

because we go into like restaurants and we deal with the noise of the restaurant and we hear the waiter come over to the table and ask what drinks we want and he tells us the specials and like we get all that sound, you get mouth sounds. There's a lot of people who do not like the mouth sounds. You know? I mean, it's fine for me.

We do our best to edit those out. But yeah, it's just, it's a really great conversation over a great meal. I think some of the best conversations I've had. Who pays for the meal? Oh, dinner's on me. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. But we have Sarah Paulson coming up.

I took her to a restaurant in New York on her day off from her show. She's doing the show Appropriate on Broadway right now. So she gave me her day off and she has a very strict routine. So I was like, I had one day to sort of fit in a great meal with her. George Takei is on, which is really exciting.

We have, did you know Jinx Monsoon? Of course I know Jinxie. Jinxie. Jinx is great. Just a lovely time and just a wonderful person. Yeah, Jinx is doing a little shop of horrors in New York right now. So I caught Jinx on her day off as well.

So I've had from Modern Family, Sofia Vergara has been on and Ed O'Neill and Julie Bowen and Sarah Hyland. So it's a lot of fun. That does sound like fun. Oh wait, Jesse, I asked all my guests this. Would you date me? Oh, I would absolutely date you.

Yay! Jesse, thank you. Now find me a man. Okay, if you like this episode of, oh, why won't you date me? You can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty,

I've done this podcast for so long and I always fuck up the intro and outro. If you write me something nasty, I've done this podcast for so long and I always fuck up the intro and outro. If you write me something nasty too, why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com, I will read it. Also don't send any dick pics, Mars doesn't want it. Okay, this one says, hi Nicole, we're two queer men and while we can't be the lovers for you,

we think we can team up to help you fight wildfires across the United States. My boyfriend will fly the plane while I open the escape door and dangle you out of the plane so you can use her, ew, use her Hitachi wand and save the forest with your squirt. Also a question, is squirt pee? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Squirt is not pee, I don't think, is it? It comes from the same place, but genetically I think it's a little different. The same area? I thought we were talking about the soda. Oh, that's very, very funny. No, this is human squirt. Ew, that's so weird.

I wonder why they named that soda squirt. I wonder if the man who made it was like, this tastes like my wife. Oh God, Nicole. Oh! By the way, Justin, we were in Vegas once, he got squirted on. We were in, that stopped you dead in your tracks.

Wait, I needed to know the context. He was at a club and it was, actually it was a gay club, but there was a girl getting herself pleasured by a man and she was up on the back of a banquet and they didn't realize this was happening. So she was up higher. She was like, her hoo-ha was, you know, eye level

and kind of it all happened, it all happened so fast and all at once. And basically Justin like turned around, he's like, what is going on over there? Why? And it like squirt on him. The end. Oh my God.

A drive by squirting. Drive by squirting. Oh my God. A drive by squirting. Drive by squirting. That is wild. I also love that it happened at like a gay club. Yeah, but in Vegas. She's like snuck in. Yeah, in Vegas. Yeah, what happens in Vegas is not always staying in Vegas.

Does not stay in Vegas. It comes right on my podcast. God, that's delightful. Thank you. Yeah. Bye bye. Leave you with that. Bye bye. That's delightful. Thank you. Bye-bye. Leave you with that. Bye-bye.

Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco with guest engineering by Rich Garcia, talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywonedatemepodcasts at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening! We'll see you next week with a brand new episode! Bye bye! This has been a Team Coco production.