Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Love is In the Air (w/ Zach Woods)

Episode Date: March 15, 2024

Comedian Zach Woods (Silicon Valley, The Office, In The Know) joins Nicole to discuss shooting your shot with your crush, having vulnerably romantic encounters on airplanes, and the time he professed his love to a recording of Moonlight Sonata. Plus, Nicole receives a very special "dirty message" to the podcast. Stream In The Know, on Peacock. See Nicole's in episode 3!Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single, even though I will take your cum, plant it in the ground, and grow tomatoes. Someone on Instagram requested that I bring the little dirty things in the beginning back so i have okay my guest today is a hilarious comedian renowned for his roles in silicon valley avenue 5 and the office which is pretty funny i don't know if you guys know that his new series which he co-created and stars in called in the know

is now streaming on i'm so happy i'm so happy he's here. I'm so happy he's here today. It's Zach Woods! I will wish and hope that that's the sound that peacocks make in the wild. Peacock! Peacock! Peacock! They're the most narcissistic of all the birds. They just only say their own name. Honestly, I wish all animals did instead of barking i wish my dog was like a dog i'm a dog to me it would be funny that's right and it's just like

yeah it's self-aware and it's communicative it's it would be really effective i think so zach okay do you remember your first crush? Oh, fun. Well, my mother said that I went to a school play, like a field trip when I was like five or something. And I came home. I think it was like Cinderella or something or maybe Sleeping Beauty. And I came home and I was like, Mom, I saw this woman. She's the most beautiful. I'm in love.

But I have no recollection of that. So that might just be kind of apocryphal mom talk. But for me, there was this girl named Kirsten in third grade who had had a pretty hard life, I know. who had had a pretty hard life, I know. And she was so, to my little third grade brain, so beautiful and seemed kind of like this, you know, crushes are just like exercises in projection, right? So I feel like to my third grade brain, I remember thinking like this candle burns brighter

than the rest of the candles on the cake. It's like she's just like giving off a different voltage she just seemed like like you know 4k how's that for a romantic description of a human being in terms of digital pixels yeah motion smoothing for a qled baby um but i just remember and then also feeling that she was quite um yeah quite also vulnerable at the same time and i remember finding that to be like you know i didn't i didn't know the word vulnerable but i think that feeling of like oh you're like you're both kind of ferocious and soft, was like pretty irresistible.

And has, in a way, continued to be irresistible. Did you act on your crush or did you just love from afar? No way. I was scared. I wasn't talking. But, you know, it's funny. Like, oh, man. So one of my, the first crush I really acted on this is okay there was this this other

girl interestingly named uh kristen strange um different different girl and we had this science teacher in seventh grade who his big claim to fame was that he died on the beach he was like he'd be like i was dead on the beach and then i came back and and uh that was his he had a lot of swagger about having been previously dead but anyway he would sometimes to my mind i remember him saying like weird stuff in class about kristin maybe that's i don't i don't want to slander someone who's been you know he's been, you know. He's been through it.

He died on a beach and beaches are happy places. That's exactly right. But anyway, that's neither here nor there. We were in science class with this guy who had been dead before. And I was so crazy about this girl. And she had a boyfriend who was, I think he went on to join the Marines or something. He was this like very tough guy who wrote quads. And he was so nice. He was like really nice to me.

And I'd always make jokes about I was going to beat him up and he would play along because I was obviously like a worm person. And he was this like strong American boy, man. Anyway, I got a recording of Moonlight Sonata, Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, and I plugged in a microphone to a cassette player and I put on Moonlight Sonata and I recorded myself over Moonlight Sonata professing my love to Kristen. This is a seventh grade, like some sort of like 19th century vampire person like like like a fucking like i don't know yeah right like an 18th century slob with like very poor boundaries but anyway so so i uh i put this on and i i was uh speaking into the microphone and I recorded it and then I brought the tape to school to give to her. And then I chickened out and I and this is an early days of Amazon, Amazon.com to her a CD of Moonlight Sonata. And I just wrote to my elegant friend.

Oh, my God, that is adorable to my elegant friend. She was probably like elegant. I'm elegant. Who's that? She, elegant? I'm elegant? Who's that? She was elegant. I stand by that. And then did she respond? Was she like, I love this. I am elegant.

She was really nice. She was like, oh, that's so sweet. She was totally lovely about it. But I remember right in advance of that saying to my father, oh, my God, there's this girl and I'm so crazy about her. And he's like, ask her out to breakfast. And I was like, what? He's like ask her out to breakfast and i was like what he's like ask her to breakfast it's interesting and i was like i'm not gonna fucking ask her to

breakfast that makes no sense he's like well then just ask her out and i said no i'm not gonna ask her out and he goes why not i said well she might say no and it'd be humiliating. And he went, uh-uh. He said, getting rejected is disappointing, but not asking is humiliating. And it was like, oh, fuck. But then I still didn't ask. I like that. Not asking is humiliating. Yeah, because it's, to quote The Office,

you miss shots that you don't take. Uh-oh, I butchered it. You know what I mean. Yeah, I know what you mean um i like that ask her to breakfast i would love to see two seventh graders out at like a cafe having like croissants and decaf coffee that makes me infinitely happy i love that so much and then i love that you gave her um a c. You I feel like you were older than your years in seventh grade because I feel like that's a very, I don't know, older person thing to do. Or maybe it's a high school thing. question your first crush right first of all yes describe and then also if you could go back and shoot your shot with your first crush as a kid again what would how would you do it now you

know what i mean if you could kind of yeah sierra know yourself as a as a kid how would you do it what would you recommend in terms of your approach to that crush that's a very good question my first crushes were famous people like i loved harvey kytel i loved joe pesci and i loved jean-luc picard from star trek um but my first in-person crush was this kid, Matt. I loved this kid so much. And I just thought he was so cute and he was little and compact. And I remember we were walking to the library once and I was like, oh, I want to hold his hand. And then I never said anything. So I think if I could go back in time, would be like just hold his hand just ask ask if you could hold his hand and maybe maybe he'll kiss you or something but also maybe you just get to hold someone's hand and that's nice that's such a sweet impulse of like i just want to hold his hand i love holding hands it's really sweet yeah it's it's it can be so vulnerable though because it's like your

hand sweats and it's like and the amount of pressure and the length and the whole thing it's like it's a complicated language and holding i think yes um but that's so sweet when i date people i like to hold hands crossing the street because it's like a car might hit us and for whatever reason holding a hand makes me feel safe. That's really nice. What else? Like, what are other small things that make you feel safe? I like when someone hugs me on the side.

Like, they're just like, oh, I feel like hugging you. I'll hug you like a nice tight hug and then like let you go. And that makes me feel like, oh, you were thinking of me and you wanted me close to you. And that's nice. you go. And that makes me feel like, oh, you were thinking of me and you wanted me close to you. And that's nice. I think both handholding and side hugs share a thing, which is you're still facing out towards the world side by side. And I guess I feel like at their best, for me, at least relationships kind of feel that way where it's like, oh, I feel a little safer, a little safer a little warmer a little more alive or a lot more alive but we're we haven't just devolved into total navel gazey kind of you know you're still facing out into your lives but you're but you're holding on to each other that's that's it's a comforting it's yeah it's comforting

yeah i think so because i don't love like super pda Like I don't need anyone in my face the whole time. But I like being, you know, like you're sitting at a restaurant and it's just like a little knee squeeze. Like that's nice. I heard this thing that I thought was so interesting. I don't remember who said this, but they said that like Americans are only OK with public sexuality when it's commercial. And I was like, that's so fascinating.

So they're like at the Super Bowl halftime show whatever you know katie perry can gyrate or do you know there can be things where people sort of fantasize uh do some sort of approximation of masturbating or having sex or whatever in at a concert at the super bowl but if you were to see a couple who were madly in love with each other at a restaurant do anything like that, you would be like, that's totally horrible and inappropriate. And you could make a strong case that actually it's the other way around. Yeah. This kind of commercialized sexuality is the creepy thing. And the thing between the two people is sweet. But I would have the same reaction like if i saw people like air humping in a like uh air humping in a jiffy

lube you're like jesus christ what are we doing here that's so funny you're absolutely right um yeah like i don't think about you know gyrating humping the floor whatever like my like uh my miming sex on stage but yeah if i saw a couple doing that over pizza i'd be like are you fucking kidding get a room right isn't that interesting it is interesting yeah so you would just say go ask his name is matt did you say matt his name is matt you would And he's compact, you said. He was a little guy. Yeah, he was real little. He's a mini. Yeah, a little mini.

A little short king, if you will. A little Polly Pocket. Put it right in my pocket. And so you would have said, hey, can I hold your hand? Yeah, I think that's what I would say. That's so sweet. And I don't think he would say no, because we were like walking, having a nice time. I was going to ask out this guy in present time.

I met him on a plane, and we talked for the whole four hours of the flight. Whoa. And then we exchanged numbers. And then I was like, hey, why don't we do this thing? And he was like, I'd love to. And then I texted him a couple days after the flight. And then he was like kind of cold.

And then I was like, why? Why did that happen? I don't understand men and I don't understand people. Okay, I have a few thoughts about that and questions. When you talked on the plane, I mean, I assume if you're talking for four hours, you're getting in kind of deep. Yeah, I know pretty personal things about him're talking for four hours, you're getting in kind of deep.

Yeah, I know pretty personal things about him. I showed him pictures of my grandpa. Really? Yeah, because I was coming from Chicago and I had just seen my grandpa. And he honestly is the cutest person in the whole world. So I do like showing pictures of him to people. I think, look, i had this experience once did you ever see those like before sunset before sunrise it's like julie delpy ethan hawke movies where they're like on a train and they have this kind of fly by night romance i i know the story yeah but i don't i haven't seen

the movie i was on a train once from it was somewhere in europe i can't remember it was like belgium to london or something i was working in europe and i was seated across from this woman who i thought was really pretty and we started talking and it was a similar situation where we talked for such a long time and it got really emotional i think at one point both of us were kind of crying about something and it was but we never i don't think we ever learned each other's names i don't know if we ever like i think we just started talking and then i don't know if we ever introduced ourselves we definitely didn't know each other's last names and she turned out

she had kids and a family and everything but it kind of didn't matter it wasn't like i wasn't thinking like we're gonna actually hook up it was more just this like very like romantic kind of interlude and then she stood up and i stood up and we hugged and it was like a real goodbye like it was so weird it was a real hello and it was a real goodbye and then we just like i still remember the moment of walking away from her in this train station and being like, whoa. I think there's so much permission with strangers and in transit to be a version of yourself that you maybe aren't comfortable being otherwise. And I think there can be like a real vulnerability hangover. Like, interestingly, I met my current girlfriend on a plane and we talked for the whole time. But I think there's a way in which like, after the fact, there could be a kind of like

morning after where you feel like you've been a little too naked or you've been a little too, and I think it could be scary to be accountable to the version of yourself that you let slip in that context. Maybe. Maybe that's it. But, I mean, I did text him. I was like, what are you doing? And he said, watching Oppenheimer. And I said, I heard it bombed.

Tee hee hee. Get it? And what, then you never heard from him again? No. He just hearted it. And I was like, okay like okay well i guess you didn't like that so wait what happened after the flight did who reached out to who i reached out immediately at baggage claim because i was like can i have your number and then i texted her immediately so i didn't have a chance to get like like i was sort of already i was sort of ahead but but even then i was like going on

that first date after i felt like a lot of a degree of trepidation because it's just you've revealed a lot of yourself you know and i don't know but who knows that's the that's the mystifying thing is like with other people you just will never know it is hard uh because i broke up with somebody a while ago at this point and i was like but like why don't you like me anymore and you can't just ask somebody that you can't just be like what happened you talk to me all the time and you seem to really like me and now you don't? What happened? And then I can't ask this plane man, hey, you seem to really like me for four hours. What happened?

What happened? You mean when you broke up with somebody, you felt like if they were to ask you that, it would be like out of bounds? Well, I feel like if I asked them that, it would be sad. It's sad to be like, why don't you like me? And I want to ask everybody I've ever ever dated like what was the thing that happened because i don't think it necessarily is me all the time like it's a them

thing it's their life but it's like well what happened what changed in your brain i'm thinking about it i guess i think in times where i've wanted out of a romantic situation. It usually isn't because of some defect in the other person. It's like our Lego pieces don't fit together anymore, but it's not because there's something like noxious about them. Because presumably if it's someone you're dating, it's someone who you like, like, and we're drawn to,

you know, I don't know. I mean, I guess it happens, right? Like people reveal themselves in ways that then other people are put off by, but I don't know. My shrink said this thing to me once where she was like,

most of life is uncertainty. And so deciding to fill in those blanks with like happier stories will make your life much better she's like when you when you when you know there's no way to know the answer decide that it's something good i was like i try to do that but it's hard that is nice but i get to it's been like rainy in la so like when the sun isn't out i get like sad and then And then I go, it's me. I did it. I did something that they didn't like. But then also it's like, I don't actually know. So maybe I should make it a happier thing and be like, well, I don't know. I don't know what the happier thing is right now, but I should frame it. My therapist also is like, you need to reframe things and not fill in the

blanks. Well, especially if you're in the habit of filling in the blanks always with a story of your own inadequacy that's where that's i had a nasty habit of doing that and still do sometimes and so i've tried i'm trying to do less of that but i think yeah like it's a mad lib where the answer is always i suck i'm terrible i'm the worst i'm unlovable and then my therapist is like that's not true don't you? And I'm like, my friends don't fuck me. And she's like, I mean, have you asked? And I'm like, oh, that's funny. But I don't want to fuck any of my friends. Hold on two seconds, Zach. We have to take a break. Do you have crushes on your friends um i don't think i have romantic crushes on my friends like i went and saw my friend in a play and i was watching her and i had this dumb smile on my face because i was so proud of her and she was doing such a wonderful job and she was being funny and vulnerable and just like good so like

while like after it was done she's a very good friend of mine and I know her very well but I like again couldn't stop smiling and I was staring at her and I was like oh my god I like I genuinely love you and your talent and your heart so much so those are the kind of crushes I get on my friends where I just get so full of like joy and And then I once asked someone to be my friend, which I think is a vulnerable thing as an adult that we don't do often. And I burst into tears when she was like, yeah, I'll hang out with you and be your friend.

And she was like, whoa, whoa, it's a lot of emotion. I was like, I know I can't help it. I just feel a lot. I mean, I think that's really beautiful. It's also annoying. Yeah, it's tiring. It's a lot. And then it's tiring. It's a lot. And then it requires, I don't know for you, but like sometimes if I'm in a time when I'm feeling especially sensitive, then I'll find that like I spend a lot of time trying to sort of numb myself in ways that I don't necessarily always like.

And so that part of it kind of blows. But it sounds like this isn't something you really struggle with necessarily. But like the kind of tyranny of being chill or whatever or like being, you know, a good time. Like things I fucking can't stand. Like I guess no one says this anymore. But there was a time where people would say like TMI. And I would just be like, shut the fuck up. It's like any, I feel like any, like never enough, like info. I always want to know. And when people sort of make their discomfort your problem, it drives me.

I mean, I think if you're making someone uncomfortable, you want to know that and respond accordingly. But when they, TMI seems to imply that like you should have known not to say this thing and i'm always like yes like it is the messy parts of people that are the most like enthralling and and exciting and funny and stupid and like why so being a kind of i don't know like a sloppy i i don't know i'm walking off the pier of this sentence and hitting the salt water. I think I get it. I don't really like I know I do TMI. I know I I over explain myself. I I say dumb things.

I don't think things through before I say them. But like I wouldn't want to be any other way. And I also really like when people tell me too much I like when people tell me that they're feeling vulnerable or they feel hurt like I had a conversation with a friend where we kept missing each other with our schedules and then she texted me and was like I feel uh what did she say it was something to the effect of like I feel like you're avoiding me and i was like whoa no and then i was so happy that she said that so then we could just have an open dialogue but had she

not shared her feelings she would have been feeling this type of way and i wouldn't have known so i like when people explain their feelings and i like when people are silly like i was dating this person and i sent them voice notes every morning with my morning voice being like good morning which I think is funny and I don't know if they liked it at all but they were yeah they were okay with my weird shit and then when you send a voice note it says kept underneath so I thought they were keeping my voice notes. And at one point I was like joking around. I was like, oh, you probably listen to all my voice notes. And he's like, what do you mean?

I was like, because you're keeping them. And he was like, no, I'm not. And I was like, it says kept right here. And he's like, kept in the conversation. It just means I listened to it. And I was like, oh, no. And then I immediately started crying because I was like, this whole time I thought you were keeping them and listening to them and then he like laughed because he was like this is

such a big emotional reaction to nothing and i was like i know but then we like laughed about it later and it's like if i didn't have that big dumb emotional reaction then like we wouldn't have a funny little joke to joke about later i don't know you do have to keep them i just want to joke i thought you had to click keep i thought you had no no no i thought it was like i don't know but i thought it went into like a bank or like yeah you could find them later that's not it the keep just means it's kept in the conversation and i don't know i'm skeptical you're listening to them so when there have been people and when there have been people who are just like on board who are just like i love you and i'm on up for the you know full spectrum does that are you able to maybe this is to are you able to receive that?

Like, sometimes that makes me squirrely. Like, I guess it freaks me out. I think it makes me a little squirrely, too, because when someone's like, oh, I accept your weird stuff. I accept you. I like all of you. I'm like, wait a minute. But you're going to find something bad eventually. And guess what?

Everybody has or hasn't i don't know that's me filling in the blanks um but yeah being super vulnerable is not a thing i like i don't like it at all i i truly will die before i tell another person i love them romantically uh i'll die before i'm like oh will you be my boyfriend like i i simply can't do it because what because what happens after you just feel well because people go okay and then they go never mind i break up with you and then i go okay well i guess i was vulnerable for no reason do you feel like you're worse off for having had those experiences? You know, that is an interesting question. I don't know.

I just know that, like, having someone around and, like, watching TV with them is nice. And then when it's gone, you're like, huh, I don't have that comfort. I don't have that person that made me laugh. I don't have that comfort. I don't have that person that made me laugh. I have a friend who had this big, beautiful Great Dane dog that was enormous, you know, like bigger, that like made other Great Danes look small. And he was this sweet guy.

And the guy who had this dog was also a giant, beautiful man. And the dog got old and the dog died and i talked to him about it afterwards and he said this thing that really stuck with me where he was like well i had the ticket take the ride and i was like oh man i guess it's just another version of like better to have loved and lost, blah, blah, blah. But but something about buy the ticket, take the ride. I was like, right. Like you opt in.

I think heartbreak is just like a feature. I had years and years ago, same shrink. I was falling in love and I was kind of I felt like dread. I felt kind of queasy and dread and i was telling my therapist about she goes well first of all it's called falling in love you are falling and she said the other thing is the second you start to love someone there is a part of you that knows either consciously or unconsciously that one day you will lose them you will lose them to growth in different directions you will lose them to death you will lose them you will lose them to growth in

different directions you will lose them to death you will lose them to circumstance but there will always be a moment of departure and so as you're dizzy and giddy there's also this dawning awareness of the proportional loss that is it is an unavoidable feature of loving someone. Yeah, it's an interesting question, whether the scar tissue is too much. I don't know. I guess what I'm asking is when you felt like you've been really in love with people and they've been really in love with you, once the pain diminishes and you're left with a memory that isn't just spring-loaded with agony, then does it then feel like, oh, I'm glad I went on that trip? Or does it feel like that was too costly? I don't know if it feels too costly.

And it's like, I'm glad I went on that trip but then i'm like how come the trip ended i have a real problem with change and i think it's like my spectrumy thing where i'm like oh i want you to tell me exactly what happened and why so then maybe i can start to understand but then i do a fun thing where you can tell me something and then I will interpret it a different way and then it doesn't matter that you told me your truth because I've twisted it into something else that makes sense to me but to answer your question I guess I don't really like regret any of the people I've had uh relationships I've never really had like a real real relationship where both parties were like,

this is a relationship and it's fun. I've just dated people for like, you know, amounts of time. But like, yeah, I don't I don't regret it. I don't think so. That's good. Right. And then, you know, eventually you get over it and then you go okay well where's the next one do you ever miss missing a person like there's some song what's the magnetic fields or something i don't want to get over you where they like they'd rather kind of wallow in the heartbreak for a while. Like, do you have that? I don't think so. I've never been like, oh, I don't miss them anymore. I wish I was sad again. No, I've never had that.

Have you? I think I've had the experience before of thinking like, is there something wrong with me that at this moment I don't feel more acutely sad? Like, am I insensitive? Am I, you know, but then inevitably, like, am I insensitive? Am I, you know, but then inevitably, like, it'll be two weeks later. And, you know, the thing, it'll just have been postponed, or it'll, the feeling that I wasn't feeling at that moment will arrive in a unpredictable way.

But there's times where I kind of judge my own numb feeling. But that's a little bit different, numb feeling. But that's a little bit different, I think, than kind of nostalgia for heartbreak. I also when I break up with people or when people break up with me, I'm then reminded of them all the time. Like I broke up with this guy and let's say his last name was Jones. It wasn't. I'm protecting his anonymity. OK, so was driving in pennsylvania and i kept seeing signs that were like this highway was adopted by the jones family and then i saw his last name just again and again and again and i was driving from like one gig to the next and i was like why why is this happening and it happens all the time every time i break up with somebody i see their name everywhere and i'm like why universe this is not nice you're being bullied by uh

the municipality where you were driving and also by god but there's you know john john brian is this he wrote the soundtrack for uh eternal sunshine the spotless mind he's like an amazing i think he's amazing and and he wrote the song like and i think writing a song for a movie with lyrics is a pretty impossible task to do that and have it not be like cringy and cheesy but he wrote this song for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and one of the lyrics from it is though a change has taken place and you no longer do adore her still every godforsaken place is only right around the corner i probably fucked that up but just the idea that like okay the relationship is over but still like at any time you can turn the corner and be confronted with the full agony of like, fuck, like everything.

It's just like a jack in the box. Like everything in your life becomes a jack in the box where that person's head can come like slinking out at you. And that's really sucky. It does suck. And then you go, is the same thing happening to them? Do they think of me? Do they miss me? And then you never know the answer

because you're not talking anymore. It's interesting how much of it is like the kind of like desire to do a forensic analysis of, you know, to want to investigate. I guess that the podcast is called Why Won't You Do It? Yep, I'll be investigating. like if i had a superpower i think i'd want to be invisible to check in on everyone i've ever dated to be like hey uh you happy what's going on you're fighting what's going on and then i could just go go home and be like ah they're sad too i mean i think it's one of the one of the comforts that everyone is sad.

Maybe not predominantly sad, but I've never met someone who isn't sad at least some portion of the time, don't you think? Yeah, you're right. I mean, I said that so stupid. Of course, everyone is sad at some point, but I feel like sadness is a major feature of almost everyone I know's life. I think so, especially as of late. Times have been weird and hard. some point but i feel like sadness is a major feature of almost everyone i know's life i think so especially as of late times have been weird and hard what is something right now that like has been making you feel good like consistently good is there anything that where you feel like every time i do this it feels so fucking good hanging out with friends like um i went to a

friend's house the other day where there was like five of us and we were wearing comfy clothes and we just tee hee heed and had a nice time and that was a treat um but i do need to like get in a rhythm of uh like a routine because i'll like sleep in and then be like oh i gotta go record or i have to go to a voiceover and then i'm like well i could have spent my morning doing anything nice or productive and I don't do that. So and then I pull dance. That makes me happy. I do workout videos with this man named Daniel and he tells me I can do it. Daniel, is he telling everyone or is he telling you? Like, is it a one-on-one workout class?

No, no. They're just videos on YouTube. It's called The Body Project. And then he ends it with a fist pump in the sky. And I go, yay, we did it. So sweet. But can I ask you about the pole dancing thing? Yeah.

I am so shy about dancing a friend of mine took one of those classes and she she said she was like it's the first time i've ever felt sexy independent of being looked at by someone who found me sexy she's like i felt intrinsically sexy like i didn't need she's heterosexual sexy. Like I didn't need, she's heterosexual. She was like, I didn't need a man there to let me know I was sexy. I just felt like volcanically sexy in and of myself. But I guess what I'm curious is like, are you shy about dancing? And like, if so, how do you get yourself to do something so, like pole dancing

is so exposing, obviously. I don't really have rhythm. I do like to dance. i don't find myself inherently sexy uh and for me pole dancing isn't finding my sexuality or being sexy i think i like being strong and i like being impressive and i like like dropping into splits and stuff so for me i guess to me sexy is strong so that's why I like doing it and I have this wonderful teacher named Veronica who will like uh adjust things for me if I can't do it or she'll watch videos and be like let's try this or I'll send her a video so it's more like I just like

moving my body that way and that brings me joy it makes you feel powerful and it's it like I just like moving my body that way. And that brings me joy. It makes you feel powerful. And it's it's kind of like and it's impressive. And it's it's sort of relying on an audience a little bit where it's like you want people to be like, oh, fuck, look at that. Yeah, like I'll post my Instagram and I like comments and people go, wow, you're strong. And I'm like, yes, I am. Don't you love it? comments when people go wow you're strong and i'm like yes i am don't you love it i knew an actor who would post old pictures of themselves online when they were in a kind of like a sexy pose in a context maybe it was like on on some sort of like hot or not site or something where

there's a famous actor and so that they could see what people would think of them independent of their celebrity like so it would be hard to identify them precisely people would be like oh this looks kind of like that actor but they what they and then they would read the comments because i think they felt like well if it's because I'm famous they they won't really know they I won't know what they really think interesting yeah interesting that is very interesting sometimes I feel like that with comedy where I'm like if you get too popular are you still being funny or people just excited to see you i think with stuff like that it's always circumstantial like i used to fret more about that kind of thing but now i'm kind of like like i used to okay this used to drive me crazy because i'd be like i don't deserve my life like no one does and i certainly don't like it's not

a meritocracy i don't have this job because there was no one better for the job I have this job because some sort of confluence of circumstance and hard work on my part and some talent have delivered me to this point but I felt slightly kind of tortured by the thought of all of these like incredibly talented artists out there who could do a better job than me and at some point i was just like well fuck it like i don't know the like i got the winning scratch off so i better like spend the money and enjoy it like instead of wringing my hands about who might be a better you know i i think it's also an argument for like trying to be gracious and help other people get opportunities and things like that but i i guess what i'm saying is like if they're

laughing at you because they're because they like you because you've been funny in the past i don't know like it still counts i think so so when you started at UCB did you have like you started when you were young so like when you got older did you have like like audience members throwing themselves at you were they like oh my god Zach Woods you're so funny take me out oh my gosh that would have been really fun. I don't think so. I mean, maybe people were like, certainly people weren't throwing themselves at me were necessarily all that pricked for like people being psyched about the idea of dating me. But as I got older, I don't know if I ever dated someone from the audience of a show though. Did you find that like when you're starting at ucb that like people would have crushes on you from performing no really no never i don't think i've ever had

someone be like oh my god you're so funny i love you yeah i don't think it really works for the ladies or female identifying people i don't think it works that way i don't think any guy is looking for a funny woman i think they're looking for a woman that laughs at their jokes but also maybe not i don't know is that true no that's not true okay i mean i don't know like i can't speak on behalf of any other man but for me like um zach you are the king of the men you finally i'm king of the men. You speak for all of us. Finally, I'm king of the men. No, I think it's really fun to date someone who's funny. Like it's a huge benefit.

You know, I think for me, the thing that has always been important is that the person have a sense of humor rather than they be like a jokester i think like a shared feeling of what's ridiculous about the world each other yourselves that's really important being able to formulate that into like specific jokes isn't crucial but if someone's good at it it's like fun you know You know, I think that's I don't know. I think people like women who are funny, it's hugely attractive. Well, do you have any friends, Zach Woods? Do you have any single friends? Also, no, I don't have any friends. I don't have any friends. No, let me think about it.

No, I don't have any friends. I kind of don't. I'm so reclusive and weird. I don't know. Let me think. I mean, I won't create dead air on your podcast while I go through my mental Rolodex, but I will think about it.

No, that's fine. You don't have to. Don't do it now. Do it later. And then make up a big old list. I'll shoot you over a current picture of myself. A nice little headshot. And then you can send it out to all your friends

how much time do you how much time in the day do you feel like is spent with romantic yearning as like the chief experience you know i don't think it's like maybe altogether 15 minutes 20 minutes because when That's not a lot. Because when I get in the shower, I'll be like, oh boy, wouldn't it be nice to have someone like a warm hug just like this shower? Or at night. Just to be clear, if a hug feels like a shower, something has gone terribly wrong.

They're dying. Very ill. That person is dying. They have a fever. They're sick. They're pissing and crying and they're sweating uncontrollably they're just wet um and then when like when i come home i'm like oh it'd be nice if like there was someone's car there and i knew they were inside uh so it's just like fleeting moments like that there's i'm sorry that i'm making so many references but it's just like fleeting moments like that. I'm sorry that I'm making so many references, but it's just like how I think about things usually because I generally don't have that many of my own thoughts about it.

But there's this play called The Real Thing. And there's this section in that play where this guy's talking about this guy's married. And he says, you know, there's this these experiences you have where you'll encounter someone and they might not be the most beautiful or the most talented or the smartest, but for some reason you just know that in another life they would have been your person. And which I guess is what past lives, right? That movie is kind acknowledgement of that. You know, that even though your paths will never converge, that there's some sort of affinity there. And I think that's such a sweet thing. Like, maybe that's what it was about that woman on the train.

Like, sometimes there's moments where you have this sort of glancing but profound contact with a person and it can feel like it's kind of a good ache in a way it is an ache but it's like a like oh like that like do you get that a little there wasn't like an ache for him i was just like oh this could be something interesting because i found them to be interesting and funny and they didn't get all my jokes but like if I explain it they'd be like oh that was funny so I was like oh this this could be a thing um but I have dated people I dated one person where I was like oh if we met like 10 years from now I think this would have gone better but who knows what's gonna happen in 10 years and we probably won't cross paths again or maybe we will we'll see i don't know it's i

would say if you had to explain your jokes to this person you dodged a bullet like who wants to spend their life footnoting their own jokes like that's a nightmare that's a straight up nightmare i you know what you're right but also we were drinking vodka sodas so maybe they were just a little like getting a little tipsy but then jokes should be easier when you're tipsy that's right that's right it shouldn't be so cognitively he dodged a bullet you can you imagine having to diagram all your remarks for him? I guess that would be exhausting. I get that. Real quick, we got to take a break.

And we're back. Is there a character that you would like to date right now? Like a character from fiction? Okay. This is dumb because you were on the show, but I would date Michael Scott because I can't remember the lady he ends up leaving with, but I thought their relationship was so cute. And when he proposed to her with all the candles,

I started sobbing. And I was like, this is... And when you proposed to her with all the candles, I started sobbing. And I was like, this is because I just like the I like when two weirdos meet and you see why they fit. And that makes me really happy. Yeah. Oh, my God. Am I going to cry right now? Like, I just simply love when you see two people and like they have their own language, they have their own shorthand, they can just look at each other and they know what's going on or they're like, you ready? And they're like, been ready. I just I really like when puzzle

pieces fit. OK. I have you ever seen the movie Jack Goes Boating? No. That stars the woman, Amy Ryan, who plays the woman he ends up with, is in that movie. It's Philip Seymour Hoffman. And it's one of these love stories about these two kind of oddities finding their way to each other. And I think it's so beautiful. Now, this is name dropping, but I want to give her credit.

I was talking to Susan Sarandon. And she, yeah, fine, hold your applause and she said clap clap clap she was describing a story and she just saw offhandedly said oh it's one of those like funny foot needs a funny shoe stories and i was like that's such a great way of describing it like funny foot needs a funny shoe and i think that's the michael scott that's the we're all funny feet we all need orthotics made to our contours. Yeah, that's what I want. I want a funny shoe to fit on my nasty little toe

or my whole foot. I don't know. I want something that caresses my bunions. That's all I want. That's all I want to caress my bunions. Zach, we've come to the end. I could talk to you for i could talk oh my god really yes i hope i wasn't too emo i yeah sorry if i was too emo okay i thought it was delightful and i

don't know why you're self-conscious on podcasts i think you speak very eloquently and you articulate yourself very well and my producer mars says you were great. But I do have a question, a query, if you will. Do you have any advice for me, a single person and other single people who might be listening? I feel pretty ill-equipped to give advice. I mean, I'm like more often than not a little bit of a broken toy on my own. But let me think.

Okay, but I feel like that's a cop-out, right? Like, this is, I will give heavily caveated advice. I will say, don't listen to my advice, first of all. That's my best advice. And my second best advice is to be curious about the version of yourself you are with a date meaning different people like unlock different parts of you you know and noticing what people unlock in you. I think if you're someone, I mean, I guess it's hard to give advice in general, but I think if you're someone who defaults towards focusing on the other

person's experience or the other person's stories or being lovable to the other person, just being curious about like, oh, if they're a highlighter pen, what passages of me are they highlighting? You know, I find myself, oh, I'm a little aggressive. I'm more aggressive here. Or, oh, I feel actually much more shy than I usually do. Or, oh, I'm laughing in a way that I don't ordinarily. Like, I think just being curious about that hopefully means that regardless of how the date goes and a kind of, you know, maybe there's no longevity, maybe it's not even a particularly enjoyable date. But at the very least, you learn about yourself. You go away with a little goodie bag of like greater self-discovery. And also, if they make you feel really exceptional or you really like the version of yourself that shows up, that's worth paying attention to. Oh, wait, wait. Okay. I thought of something

better. I thought of something better. Okay. Okay. A couples therapist once, I asked a couples therapist, I was like, what do you think couples can reasonably expect from each other? And she goes, three things. I was like, damn, all right, you were ready. She goes, first of all, you should empathize with each other and reflect each other's experience. Right? Okay. Seems pretty obvious. She goes, two, you should expand each other's world. You know about old tugboats.

And I know about Buster Keaton movies. And whatever. You know, we introduce each other to parts of the world that we were previously unfamiliar with. And she said, and the third thing is the person acts as a treasury of good feeling about you that you can make withdrawals from when you need it. So if I'm feeling kind of ugly

or I'm feeling kind of disappointing, this other person is like this kind of Fort Knox of good, of positive regard. And I can go to them and sort of re-up on a version of myself that I like that exists reflected in their eyes. And I thought that was a really nice model. It felt both ambitious and also modest all at the same time and i thought oh that's good i'll keep that in mind i like that i like both versions of your advice i think it's nice and good okay thank you i think you're lovely i think you're lovely you're so you're so yeah you're so like funny and you're also so open-hearted it's so sweet it's gotta be complicated to be like as funny as you are and as sweet as you are as you are at the same time because probably it's easy to especially with people especially women maybe who are super funny maybe it's connected to what you're saying about like guys don't want

i had a friend who's rich and she when she was dating she wouldn't bring guys to her house because she found that it would turn them off that she was rich and i was like really i was like yeah that makes sense because they're intimidated but but those those are obviously not guys you want to be dating because that's that's miserable but i don't know i'm on some weird soliloquy now I guess I was just saying like you're so sweet and you're so funny and I think it's a lovely combination thank you Zach now find someone for me go through your rolodex of people and find me someone okay okay Zach what do you want to promote um I made a show that came out on Peacock now a while ago, but you could see it. It's called In the Know, and it's a stop motion show about NPR.

And I got on social media, which I was really scared about. And I'm on social media. And I'm trying to do that now in as unmortifying a way as possible. So are you supposed to? And that's it. You can tell people what your social media is. I'd rather not. You can.

I'd rather not. I get that. I get that. No, it's just my name. it you can tell people what your social media is i'd rather not you can i'd rather not i guess that i guess that no it's just my name or it's mr my name because my name was already taken zach i ask all my guests this would you date me yeah yeah thank you that's validating and nice uh if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe give me five stars on apple podcasts and if you write me something nasty hitting on me i will read it and you can send it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com and this person wrote me and they said let's see i listened to your podcast my

boyfriend is a huge fan and longtime supporter that's nice oh they sat front row uh in milwaukee and okay if it could be on the episode that airs on march 15th this is very specific oh wait i missed it anyway i digress you don't need to read that skip to the next page that has the actual message on it. That was just the explainer email. Oh, I fucked it up. Don't edit any of this out. Okay. This says Aaron Philip Dar to say that there are no words to describe how much I love you

is a cliche and you hate cliches. So in the words of Timmy Turner, my love for you burns with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. However, I think this is more important to tell you the reasons why I love you.

This is long. Since day one, I have been mesmerized by your radiant mind and your banging body, whether it's when I watch you become a diva when you sing karaoke or witness your quick wit and mischievous pranks. Your unique erroneous constantly keeps me entertained and fills me with joy,

even if I'm the target of your playful antics. I'm walking on air. Being with you is a grand escape it could be something as plain as making out with me behind the cilantro and the walk-in freezer refrigerator oh dancing with me in the storage closet why aren't you outside in the world or shower or fucking me aggressively on top of a mountain in a national park we'll have to do that again this year. It's never dull. It's always a surprise. And it gives me a reason to wake up in the morning eagerly, eagerly anticipating what lies ahead. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, is that I want to grow old with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry with you. I want to navigate the mysteries of existence with you because baby life is a roller coaster and there's no one else i'd rather have a seat with a seat next to me then oh i'm fucking this up i'd rather

have the seat next to me than you will you marry me wow that's nice philip you have to say yes but also you could skip this episode and never see that proposal or hear that proposal, which is very funny to me. Well, that's it. People are in love. I'm not. Bye-bye. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden.

Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.