Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Lying About Your Age Online (w/ Molly Tarlov)

Episode Date: April 27, 2018

Molly Tarlov (MTV's Awkward) joins Nicole to talk about their one night stands, Nicole's experiences on a Jewish dating app, and lying about your age online. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where I explore why I'm still single, even though I'll do butt stuff! My guest today is very funny, she's very talented, you know her from MTV's Awkward, Molly Tarlov! Thank you for doing this.

Thank you for having me. It means the world. We've been meaning to get together for a very long time. I know. Just texting back and forth and it never came to fruition. Yes. And here we are. Like unsure of words today.

You just got married, right? Yeah, two weeks. It'll be a year. Okay. How long were you together before you got married? Two years. So you've been together, all together for three. Yeah. That's nice. And he's very handsome. Where did you meet him? Thank you. I met him at brunch. Really? Yeah. We were at the same restaurant, and I knew a girl over at his table, and I went over and said hi, and I was like, in one of my phases, you know, where I'm like, you know, and said hi and I was like in one of my phases you know where I'm like you know I feel like you've seen me in some of my phases a little brash maybe

I don't know but I was like okay that dude like he's gonna find me later and then I put a hex on him I guess so you met at a restaurant yeah you. You were like, hey, boy, hey. And then did you give him your number? No. He literally found you. Well, I like hung out with them for a little while after my party finished their grits and left. And I was like, more drinks for everybody. And then I was like, I'm going to see Foxcatcher.

And he was like, oh, I saw that movie. It was good. And then I was like, well, I'm leaving tocatcher. And he was like, oh, I saw that movie. It was good. And then I was like, well, I'm leaving to go see it because I have a strong, independent woman of substance and I have things to do. Then I went and saw Foxcatcher and I was like, this dude was wrong. That movie was so slow. Did you see it? No. This is with Steve Carell.

Yeah. And there's Ruffalo. Channing Tatum and Mark Ruffalo. So maybe I did see some of it, but I don't remember it. I mean, depending on who directed it and if they're a big fan of Why Won't You Date Me, I loved it. But otherwise, and then when I got out, he had found me on Twitter. So then did he DM you or were you tweeting back and forth? Then there was a group text started because we were all like, we made such funny jokes at brunch.

We have to like have a tv show or something so there was like a group text and then i was like all right i'm done with this group text thing so i like ghosted you ghosted him no i ghosted the group text okay yeah and then how did he ask you out what was your first date like he was like he was like what are your oh i remember this exactly he was, what are your thoughts on sugarfish? And I was like, positive. I've never been to sugarfish. That's just sushi, right?

But do you like sushi? I like cucumber avocado rolls and avocado rolls. Okay, but not at all. You don't like sushi? Okay. Okay. It's cold and slimy no no i know but i will say because like i didn't grow up eating sushi like we both know not the best like yellow

tail on the hudson river um but i started eating fish like when i moved to la and sugarfish can have it's pretty good but you can't get a, but you can't get a cucumber, well, you can't get a cucumber avocado roll there. I can? Yeah, but like that's it. Then I'll go. That's your only safe choice. Do they have tempura?

No. Oh. I know. So it's like real authentic sushi? No, it's like, I mean, it's like they bring it out, it's like you order, it's like they bring they they bring it out it's like you order it's called trust me trust me light or trust me nizawa and there's like or you can order a la carte which like my husband did at the time which is like psychotic why is that psychotic i don't understand sushi culture this is not even regular sushi culture it's like sugarfish culture. So wait, a la carte doesn't a la carte

just mean, what does a la carte mean? Just like I want, instead of going like, I'll take a trust me. What's a trust me? So they'll just make you things and you just eat it? Well, it's the same thing. It's like two pieces of yellowtail, two pieces of salmon, two pieces of tuna, then like a crab hand

roll and a toro hand roll. Edamame and sashimi to start. This is really, really taking a hard left. Then what happened? Then did you guys immediately, were you immediately like, this is the man I want to marry. No. And I love him.

No. Okay. So we actually both, after we met, he asked me out, but we were both doing some traveling. You and I, I think, were in Miami together. Ah, yes. It was Thanksgiving and then Miami. And so we were texting a lot that whole week or whatever.

He asked me for a picture of my dog for the background of his phone. How long had he been dating at that point? No, no. We hadn't even gone on a date. Didn't you find that frightening? I mean, no. Of course not. I would be like, well, why does she want a picture of my dog?

I mean, he was like, can I? But your dog is very cute. Thank you. But your dogs are very cute, too. Thank you. One of them's kind of mean. Uh-huh. But, no. I mean mean i don't know it was something like there was something about him that i was like oh this dude like kind of gets it which

was surprising because like a lot of dudes don't you know and whatever it was just like hard in the paint flirting you know what i mean and um came back went on this date then we went and got a drink we went to birds and then we went and walked Franny my dog and then he hugged me and then he came back in for the second hug and Franny started barking and he left left. And I was like, this is in love with me. And then he was like, hey, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. And I feel like we come from the same place. And I can't get into anything serious right now. And I'm like, oh, no.

I'm you, scoozy. We didn't even kiss. You didn't kiss? He just hugged you twice? Yeah. And I was like, okay, that's cool. Like, I just didn't want to, I don't know. You're the one with my dog on the background of your phone.

And he's like, we just, like, we vibe too much. And I was like, okay, whatever. It was just, like, another situation where, where like the dude can't hang you know and then like two and a half months later um we met up again and I was very like it was giving him the like a kind of standoffish like what are you doing but you know what this is actually I was withholding of my shining personality, you know? Like, he's like, hey, how are you? And I'm like, no question. Like, during the setting up the hang, I was like, I'm not answering any of your questions.

I have to see what this deal is. I think that's smart. It's interesting when a dude is into you but then says oh wait uh i have other things to take care of and i can't do this right now and then they come back and they're like actually i do want to hang out with you and and it just it's a mixed signal so i think it's smart to withhold a little bit yeah just be like you can't have all of me again i already gave you a lot of me and then you closed a door. Now you want to open it again? Right.

And I actually like I say this and I would say this to you. I say this like my smart and funny friends. Like, you know, they're saying like, why would they buy the cow and they can get the milk for free? And it's about sex. But like to my like friends that are amazing and smart and funny. I'm like, that is about your conversation. You know what I mean? And I'm not saying, like, we have to, like, play games with everybody,

but I'm kind of like, you, like, they have to, like, earn a little bit of, like, I mean, it's really fucking fun to, like, be texting with me for hours on end. So, like, of course a guy would just do that instead of, like, ask you to dinner. That, I think, is really good advice. Because I said it before on the podcast, but I feel like texting creates false intimacy. Mm-hmm. And then I think if you're just texting a guy, then it might get into his brain. He's like, I don't need to see her.

I've been talking to her all day. I know. It's very odd because, like, we're supposed to think that, like, I don't need to see her. I've been talking to her all day. I know. It's very odd because like, we're supposed to think that like guys care about sex all the time, but I see it now. Like all of my friends, like these guys will literally just like carry on these like relationships over text with them for like months and months and months.

It's insane. It's very, I guess it's maybe men do it because you could do it to multiple women. Yeah. And like, I mean, I think it's, maybe men do it because you could do it to multiple women? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I think that, like, you know, it's nice to have, like, text pop up and whatever. So that might be entertaining, I guess. And especially if you're, if it's, like, a good, like, you get a little smile out of it.

But, yeah, I'm just, like, I don't, I mean, you don't go and do comedy for free, do you? Mm-hmm. You do? Yes. When? All the time. Okay, fine. Well, I mean, I get paid to do comedy, but, like, in L.A., I'll do free shows.

Okay. Because I'm working on shit. You know what I mean. But I absolutely know what you mean. So, anyway. okay because i'm working on shit you know what i mean i absolutely know what you mean so anyway um so then we went on that we met up again and i was very trepidatious but he made a joke that was funny and so then i like softened up a little bit and um and then he kept asking me out like constantly. And like four months after that day, like to the day he proposed to me. Wow. Yeah.

So you were together for only four months before he proposed? Mm-hmm. But then your engagement was? Like over a year and a half. Oh, okay. Yeah. I like that. That's nice because four months seems sudden.

I know. But I don't know. A long engagement's kind of fun. Yeah. Because you're like, it's coming. We're going to do it. It was weird, though, because there would be times where I'd be like, this would be the time you were to propose. But I was like, oh, fuck.

It's like, but you already did it. Yeah. I'm like, he was like, I don't even remember when he was my boyfriend. And not because we've been together for so long, but because it was like, I like, he was like, I don't even remember when he was my boyfriend. And not because we've been together for so long. But because it was like, I mean, he was my boyfriend three weeks after that first. And then, so he was my boyfriend for three months and a week. That's wild. I love it.

Were you ever on dating apps or no? Not the ones you think of these days. But were you on craigslist no i was on jayday like eight years ago i met up with a guy one time it was not a match i didn't realize but like i don't think the apps now, they probably do, but they have ones that are like, they have like chats that are pre-programmed that are like kind of funny, like quippy. Oh, yeah. I don't think apps do that anymore. I think like probably match or something does. Maybe. So J-Date would give you little things to say to people? Well, I realized when I met up with him and I was like, how did that go so wrong that his first thing was like a...

Oh, so he sent you a pre-written thing that was cute and witty and then he wasn't cute and witty. Yeah. I see. I was on J-Date for a minute. Really? For a hot second. Did you go out with anyone from there? No.

Everyone would be like, why are you here? Really? All right. That's very rude. Well, that's another thing is like I'm not religious and like I'm married to like someone who was raised very Christian. And I didn't, I guess, I guess coming from New York, I didn't realize that it was like actually a thing where people wanted to meet Jews.

You know, I can't read very well. Are you Jewish? Yeah. I didn't know that. But I'm not religious. Did you know Jews aren't white? I don't know. I was so confused when people started saying that.

When? This year. People are like, Jews aren't white. I was like, wait, what? Because I grew up in Jersey around a ton of Jewish people. I know. They're white people. But there are like, there's like something, there are less Jews in the world than people in California.

What? Yeah. Really? Yeah. You just like know half of them. That's so crazy to me because I grew up with so many Jewish kids. And we had off for like all the Jewish holidays. And then when I talked to other people, they were like, no, we don't have Yom Kippur off.

I was like, what? Yeah. How disrespectful. What about the Jewish people there? Yeah. But I mean, whatever. I mean, it's a big, because it comes up on 23andMe. Jewish?

Yeah. Like Ashkenazi or Sephardic, which are like the two different. Huh. I didn't know that. This is wild. I truly just thought it was a religion. It's very complicated. So you've done 23andMe?

I have yet to do it because you have to like spit. You have to not have had anything for half an hour, which is like really hard for me. And except when I first wake up. But I'm so thirsty when I first wake up. You don't think it's weird to spit in a cup and send it off to a lab and then they're like, here's what you are. Um, no. I think it's so crazy. I don't know know and then your phone knows where you are all the time i just want to give people more information i get mad because my phone sometimes doesn't recognize my face and i'm like so i had like buffalo chicken deep into the night

sue me let me in you know do you have a? Yeah. So do you open it with your face? Yeah. See, I don't want Apple to scan my face. Okay, but like, let me ask you why. This is what I don't get. Because there are a lot of instances where I'm like, yo, I wish we had the contents of that person's phone earlier. True. Well, I mean, I'm not like hiding anything.

I'm not going to like do bad things. Oh, Nicole, we know you are not hiding anything. I truly just put it all out there. I want you to look at my Tinder profile. Okay. And then if you're listening to this podcast and you want to see my Tinder profile, you can go to my Facebook page. And I believe the link is in the description.

You're welcome. The infamous dildo. Wow, I'm surprised. No one has mentioned the fact that not only are you holding a giant dildo, but your shirt has a mouth across your boob. Yeah, it's a monster shirt for a monster dick. Okay. So this is the first.

How do I do this? Scroll. Swipe. Okay. I got a fat ass, so if you're not into it, bye, bye, bye, whatever. I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh. I like that, Nicole. Thank you.

DTF, down to figure skate or fuck or farm or fly a kite, whichever is easier. Okay. So, oh, this picture's cute with the cactuses and the pink. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'm sitting against a pink wall and I'm wearing overalls. Also phallic. You think that's phallic? Well, the cactuses are phallic.

I'm just saying, if you're going to open with a big dildo and then you're going to have... I'm just saying. I got to let them know that I like penises. Can I ask you why? Because I think it'd be pretty obvious to them if you came up on their shirt. I don't know. I think they're silly. I have like a penis earring that I wear every day.

I just think they're so silly. I mean, this one of you and it's not Charlie. Clyde. Clyde. My dog, Clyde. I feel like you started to like Clyde more than Charlie, and I'm like upset. I feel like Charlie's like the Jan of the house he kind of is my dog Charlie he's so sweet he's very sweet and he's so nice

I just love that Clyde is mean and he's tiny and mean sometimes did you meet him on tinder so nice I did meet my dog Clyde on tinder I was swiping and I was like, oh my God, I met with this dog and I think he's like kind of cute. Now I rescued him from a house in North Hollywood. His dick is way smaller than this though. Clyde's, it's so tiny. I mean, you know what I'm going to say. Uh-huh. I don't like it.

I know I think I have I think that I'm different from your other guests because correct me if I'm wrong because I know you've had a lot of people who you're very close to on the show but when we met like it wasn't like a comedy thing

I mean sort of because like but we weren't like doing comedy thing no because it was i mean sort of because like but we weren't like doing comedy together so i feel like we haven't like i think you're really funny i know you're really funny but it's not like we that's where the basis of our friendship came from you know what i mean yes So I feel, I don't know. I'm just like, we know you like dick because if I'm a dude and I'm swiping and it comes up. But also it's like, so you like big dicks. And that's the first thing that you want people to know about you. I mean, you look very pretty in this picture.

Thank you. And you are very pretty, and I like this relaxed curl that's going on now. Thank you. My wig's a little ratty, but... But what do you want? What do I want? Yeah. a little ratty but but what do you want what do i want yeah well okay i keep going back and forth between i just want someone to hook up with on the regular and i want a fulfilling relationship

right now i'm not working so now i'm i'm of the mind where i want a nice fulfilling relationship okay so let's talk about like one night stands for real. Because you talk about them a lot on your podcast. I know that your character on Loosely Exactly, Nicole, has them a lot. Do you have one night stands? Yes. I don't as much anymore. Just because I think I've just become

very tired of strange dick and I was working a lot so I wasn't drinking as much so like if I'm drinking and go to a bar it's very easy to find a dude and bring him home or if I'm drinking I can swipe and just find a guy

and be like are you out already let's meet up or whatever. So then when I was working, I wasn't doing that. And then it's been very tough to get back into that mindset and to just do it. Because then also I should be writing and doing things and I'm not. And I feel weird about that. So to answer your question, no, I'm not having one night stands right now. And did you enjoy having one night stands?

I think I enjoyed them as they were happening. But then the next day I'd be like, huh. Yeah. That was, it's like when you eat things with lots of sodium where you're like, this is good now. And then you're immediately hungry after because sodium is not good for you i think that's what a one night stand is it's like a bunch of chinese food and your iphone 10 doesn't recognize your face well i don't have a 10 i have i think the 8 yeah i just can't get with the no home button it's hard i really don't like that. No. Yeah.

Why would they do that? I don't know. They're like, you need more screen and I don't need more screen. I know. But that camera's very nice. I think it's the same as yours. But,

okay. So, I mean, what's the question here? Like, I like this. I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long

not to laugh. Mm-hmm. It's a little genuine. Mm very genuine life is so long right people are like life is short i don't know what life they're talking about yeah like a year is a hundred three hundred three hundred and sixty five days that's such that's so many days yeah um question is, do you like my profile? Do you hate my profile? I don't hate it, but I don't love it. Okay. I think you deserve better than this profile.

Oh, no. Depending on what you're looking for. And I'm not saying that a dude, I'm not saying that a guy that is, that the guy like a guy that is that i'm not saying that a guy isn't worthy of you if they okay hold on i'm not saying that the guy who will be worthy of you won't appreciate like this picture or something but i just don't think that you need to put it throw give it to them right now you know what i mean fair i heard you say on a podcast that like it weeds out a lot of people because like there are people who will be able to see through and see that that's funny but i also think it would weed out some people like look i think like women who are funny and who have their shit seemingly together in some senses and you know can

afford to live on their own and whatever are are a little scary to begin with and it's not to say that like a man who's like scared of that is a piece of shit like i do think that like it's you're already weeding out people by being like a strong funny woman with a good career so i just think you could give some more men a chance to know you without this maybe even being like your first picture fair um also maybe maybe it's like a defense mechanism

where I'm like because I did take the picture away or I put it like fourth or something a while ago and I wasn't matching with people so then I was getting antsy and I was like well I want to match with, so I have to put it back up. Yeah. But it is truly, as of late, attracting not good people.

Yeah. Like this one guy, I matched with him maybe two weeks ago. And we had been talking, and we were having a very nice conversation. I was like, okay, he's kind of cute i like him his name is weird uh it was like a very strange name but like like a made-up name it was like i won't say it but it was such a it was a weird name it was like it was just like a lot of letters consonants basically and there was no vowels maybe one vowel and uh i was like oh this is great maybe i'll meet up with him or whatever and then immediately there was like a hard turn and then he was like when you want to fuck and i was like

not not ever right i don't want to fuck you i'd rather go out on a couple dates with somebody. Yeah. I don't know. I just get so sad sometimes. I know. And truly, I'm like, maybe there is nobody out there for me. Maybe I will just be alone for the rest of my life. Well, you won't be. But maybe I will be. I've been alone for 32, I just went over this, 31 31 years so did you take this screenshot of your profile three years ago because it says 28 oh uh i can't change it on facebook they won't let me and

originally i had said it on facebook as younger because i didn't want people to know how old i was because sometimes casting directors will be like they're too old and it's like but they don't look that old and they're like well they are 35 and it's like well let's not put age there so then I don't know IMDB put my age up so it doesn't matter anymore is your age on the

internet there's been like people like talk shit about me because they think I put a fake age on the internet i never did that and somebody like somebody insists on putting a fake age and like my dad even went in to change it once and i was like dad for real and he's like what and they were like no you're wrong and he was like i was there um so like does the internet say you're older or younger? Younger.

And it fluctuates. And so I could tell people probably from my college are trying to get in there. Because it'll go to the wrong age for a little while. And I'm like, oh, you just are guessing. Interesting. I know. I take mine off Wikipedia routinely. Really?

Yeah. I don't want people to be like, she's too old for something. Yeah. It's really annoying. I know. And it's something men don't have to deal with. I know.

Men can literally be dead dumpsters and they'll prop them up and put them in movies. Like Weekend at Bernie's. Yeah, there's a literal movie about how a dead man is better than anything else yeah um they really should have cast a woman in that part um but i do think that you have d's up for defenses i do i put up walls and i oh wait before we talk about my walls we gotta take a break and we're back what a dream um i do think i put up walls um i do think i'm actually very scared to actually be in a relationship um because people in my life die i have like a lot of death in my life so i guess

sometimes in my brain i think if i actually find someone and fall in love with them that they'll just leave me and then i'll just be in the same predicament that i'm in now except i'll be like he's dead right i'm not looking for him I found him and now he's dead right so maybe that's because I do think me being insistent on not changing this photo yeah is a little bit of a wall yeah because then I'm just like I don't know they don't get it right I know and I I mean like I'm like abrasive and aggressive. And like, that was like a funny thing that I would do to men. I mean, I like still do it to my husband, but he's married to like legally bound, so he can't do anything. If I was going to get rejected, it would be because I sent them, like, you're a monster, shrimp emoji, you know, which was a text I sent to my husband before he was my husband or boyfriend. When I got out of my last relationship, I went, like, super hard the other way where I was, like, someone would ask me to coffee.

They'd be, like, do you drink coffee? And I'm, like, yeah, but I like dinner better. Do you eat dinner? You know what I mean? And I was like, I will be taken to dinner. I was like, I'm all about that D. D is for dinner, you know? And I was like, this is how women should be treated, you know? And it was interesting i mean men are scared they're

scared but i also think women are scared i think everyone's scared no i do too and i mean i think that like that is the thing is like what what do you want like what what is your ideal situation like a person who's not gonna die in the near future someone who's healthy sturdy won't die on me um i i think in my brain the perfect man would be attractive to me which doesn't mean attractive to a lot of people because i do love chubby men and sometimes people don't find that attractive i do um because i don't want like a thin thin man but then also i don't want to say i don't want something when maybe that's what i need i don't know i just want someone who i think appearance aside is just financially sound, working, and treats me well.

Yeah. I think that's what I want. Yeah. I'm, like, this is gonna be so gross to all your listeners, so maybe edit it out. But, like, this is what was, like, I was, like,

I was so scared of being seen, but, like, that's all, like, all – that is how I feel about my husband. He sees me. And so everything before that, I was trying to not be seen. That's like, I'd say this shit, or you know what I mean? Do this shit. I mean, is that something you feel like you relate to? What do you mean by BC and like being vulnerable?

Yeah, I guess. I'm not very vulnerable. This podcast is the most vulnerable I've ever been. Yeah, I guess I just I get scared that maybe someone will get to know me and be like, oh, yeah. Now that I know all of it, don't want it right and i've had guys be like oh you got a lot on your plate when i've been open with them yeah and that feet that doesn't feel good that doesn't feel good when someone's like you're truly dealing with a lot and you come with a lot of baggage and issues yeah you're just like, okay, doesn't everybody? Why is that a thing that you felt necessary to say to me?

Well, that is not the dude. You're right. And it sucks. I also have been bad with trying to date lately. I think I've given up. Really? A little bit. I will swipe on Tinder, and I'll swipe on Bumble,

and I'm on Raya and OkCupid. I'll go on them periodically, but I don't have a drive for it right now. And I think it's because like last summer, I had a chunk of time before I started writing my show. And in my head, I was like, this is the time. You're going to be writing your show. You'll shoot it. You're going to be here. So you might as well start dating aggressively now. So maybe you'll find someone.

And since you're not traveling, you can actually have the start of a relationship. And I was very excited about that. And then that fizzled out. And then I started shooting. And those were like 16-hour days. And they were long. And I didn't want to date anyone then. And then I wrapped. And then I started shooting and those were like 16 hour days and they were long and I didn't want to date anyone then.

And then I wrapped and now I'm just like waiting, like waiting to hear if it's going to be renewed or canceled or whatever is going to happen to it. So I think now I'm just tired. Yeah. And I don't have it in me. Cause dating is like a job. You have to talk to people, and small talk is hard,

and you have to get to know someone, and then they're going to say something stupid. Huh? I said big talk is harder. I sound terrible. I guess big talk is harder. But small talk is hard and big talk is hard. Yeah.

We were talking about like actual things. Yeah. I don't know. I. We were talking about like actual things. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what I want, Molly. Also, like I've never had a dick, but I don't know what it would be like to be a guy. Like I don't know if guys know like, oh, I have a huge, like if they have like a nice sized penis i think men know their dick size okay but like what if someone has like an average size penis you don't want to go out it will be fine and then also you don't even have a penis if i end up with a woman right she won't have one or maybe she will

i don't know what i'm gonna end up with yeah because i'm very open to to anybody i don't know what I'm going to end up with. Yeah. Because I'm very open to anybody. I don't know. I refuse to. Open to anybody and nobody. Truly, yes. In my brain, my brain is like, ooh, the door's open for anybody to walk through. But then in my other brain, it's like, no, it's closed and you can't have anybody because you need to guard yourself so you don't get hurt. Right. But yeah, I guess dicks aren't as important as i make them out to be yeah i mean look i think like it's

really funny and like yeah but here's the thing is that a dude who sees your profile whatever they can see you talking about it on conan you know what I mean? And like, you don't need to double down on the dick. Are you sure that's not the hill I want to die on? Just being like, I just want a big dick. That's all I want. But then also, I feel like you should know it's kind of a joke. Yeah. But then again, I don't know.

Most of the people on Tinder don't do comedy. I mean, I think, okay, I haven't not. I was swiping for my friend the other day on Bumble, and then we went on Tinder, and Tinder is like a cavernous pit of hell. It's gross. I didn't swipe yes once, and it wasn't even me. It wasn't even for me. But the issue

I have with Bumble is men do not respond to me. Yeah. I messaged a man on Bumble maybe this was two weeks ago and he was a chef and I wrote I'm a terrible chef.

Maybe one night I'll make you dinner so you just have a change. Eat some bad food. And then he didn't respond. That's the issue I have on Bumble where I have to initiate the conversation. Right. But then men can choose not to respond. That's like they are bizarre to me why people would want to match on Bumble specifically because it has that like timer. Yeah, it's it makes me anxious.

But it's also like I kind of get like the heebie jeebies from like guys profiles anyway. The whole online dating thing is it's weird because's, you're taking everything at face value. You're just reading empty words that don't have meaning because you can't hear the voice behind them. And it's all very superficial. Yeah. It's like, it's like shopping for apples. You're looking for things without bruises. Yeah.

That's a bad analogy. I mean. I mean, well, you don't know if the apple's good until you bite it. No, it's a great analogy. It was a bad analogy. I mean. I mean, well, you don't know if the apple's good until you bite it. No, it's a great analogy. It was a perfect analogy. Yeah, online dating sucks, but then in real life dating, I don't know how to do that. Yeah. Okay.

Well, what do you. Because LA's clicky. If you go to a bar, it's very hard to find someone fun to talk to who's not like, excuse you, I'm talking to all of my friends yeah you're like okay I'm the asshole yeah I mean I would say well first of all like what do you have hobbies besides working no not really well I was roller, but that's a very, it's, I was doing private lessons, so I was alone. Oh my God, that is so cool. But then do you go to like Moonlight Rollerway and like? I have, but I'm very bad, so I don't roller skate. So I just like literally sit there and watch my friends.

No, I'm so bad at roller skating. I can't do it. No, me either. It's so hard. Yeah. You can't do it. No, me either. It's so hard.

Yeah. But I can't join like a soccer league because I leave town often and I don't run. You keep saying you leave town. Where do you go? Touring. Okay. I go and I do shows at colleges for kids who either enjoy it or hate it. Yeah.

There's literally no in between. Yeah. So it's like I'm gone a lot of weekends and then I work a lot. So I don't know. But I was more like asking about hobbies, not to like meet people, but to like have a full life outside of it. So that,

Oh, when it like, what, if a, something comes around, it's not like the full black or white situation of it it's just like sure i swim a lot where do you swim in my pool at a pool i have a pool oh right right you can come over and swim if you want to you're in that pool every damn day. I'm so jealous. I truly love swimming. I know. I'm like, it's kind of chilly out today and she's at that damn pool.

I will swim when it's ice cold out. Yeah. I just like it. I think I'm making up for lost time because there was a very long chunk in my life where I didn't swim because I was like, what if someone sees me in this bathing suit? Now I'm like, I don't give one shit. Yeah. I don't know.

Molly. Nicole. If you weren't married, and if you were into women, would you date me? Well, that's what I'm saying about the Nicole I met. Tell me if you think I'm wrong, that I'm having this observation that I feel like I met you in a different way. So I feel like I know you differently.

Like you to me aren't like funny. Comedy isn't the first thing that I would use to describe you. You don't think I'm funny? Oh, my God.? Oh my God. Ha! Molly! Nicole! No, it's fine.

Do you know what I mean, though? Well, when we met, we were doing... We were, what was it? Like the upfronts or something? Yeah, maybe we met at upfronts, or maybe it was like... I mean, we like had real conversations... Yes....far before we like... Well, yeah, like you are a comedic actress and you are inherently funny, but like we don't do like bits.

Yeah. We're not like, when I get together with comedy people, it's like bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, and no real conversations happen sometimes. Yeah. So when we met, we were having like real conversations yeah so i guess yeah you did meet me as someone who could have a conversation and be a real person yeah where sometimes i present myself as a person who doesn't know how to have a conversation and only wants to be like teehee let's be funny yeah and i do that too it's like that's like the scariest you know when it's happening and you're like, tee hee hee, let's be funny. Yeah, and I do that too. It's like, that's like the scariest.

You know when it's happening and you're in your head, you're like, stop it, you psycho. This is horrible. And you just can't stop. And you're like, what's the deal with Apple? But so I would, if I were a lesbian and I wasn't married, I would date the girl that I met who had her heart a little open, you know? Molly, thank you. Yeah. That makes me happy.

Sometimes people are like, no, but it's okay. You can't make everyone date you. Well, I mean, I'm not a lesbian and I am married. Yes, so we will never date. No. Get it through your head. Yes. Finally.

I get it. Finally. I mean, I did lure you here to try to make you break up with your husband and date me. No. Where did you go on your honeymoon? We went to Hawaii first and then we went to Europe like a few months later. How your honeymoon well no we didn't go from hawaii to europe there were like months in between so it was like we went to hawaii right after because we were gonna get married in hawaii but then we didn't is he an actor as well or no no he's an editor he edits oh fun fun fun fun fun

so that's do you like that you guys don't do the same thing? Oh my God, yes. But it's fun that he edits trailers so like he knows acting kind of. So like he understands what you talk about, right? Um, no. I mean, it's like really annoying because first of all, I'm like, you're so hot. It'd be so easy for you to get parts like i'm like jealous of you and i wish you could act at all because we like try to i like try to run lines

with him and i'm like can you speak english like what is going on um and i'm like this would just be so easy for you if you could just like speak this sentence as if it was like coming out of a human is very funny when people can't read lines like a human being. Yeah, it's so weird. And I'm like, why are you so nervous sitting here in our bed that you thought the word V said tree stump or something? That's very funny. My sister can't run lines with me.

She's very bad at it. She'll be like, and then he said he wanted to go to the store. She's doing an all-anambic panting. Why can't you just say it like you normally speak? Yeah. I don't know. So, oh, yeah. Well, no, he doesn't really get it.

Because he edits big movies or trailers. But he's learning. Like I said, he grew up so Christian. He did not see a movie before 2002. Really? Yeah. It was like Air Bud or Beethoven, and that was it. That's wild.

I know. I know. That's crazy. He was the drummer of the Jonas Brothers. Yeah. Wait, he was the drummer of the Jonas Brothers? Yeah. They have a drummer, you know, because

they're all like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they don't do that anymore, but... I mean, I don't really know anything about the Jonas Brothers. I just know that Nick Jonas is so fucking hot. Okay. They're from New Jersey though. Are they? Yeah.

Well, maybe I'll be like, hey Nick, I'm also from New Jersey. Yeah. Do you want to like just talk about the East Coast and fuck? So he's like learning, like it's so weird because he knows no movies before and now he like has seen every movie that's come out in

the last three years um but i am i like make him watch old movies so he literally thinks like lily tomlin is like the biggest star on the planet she is she's perfect i know like he's like oh working girl awesome like can we watch working girl again tonight or like that's adorable yeah so he it's funny well you found a good one molly yeah do you have anything you want to plug um no there's not one thing that you want people to, like, anything, nothing? No, you know, I closed my Etsy shop down. You had an Etsy shop?

I'm telling you, Nicole, I found some hobbies. No, I, you know, whatever. I don't think I was, like, very entertaining, so. I think you were very entertaining. Molly, just tell people anything. Oh, my God. Okay, I have a really cute dog. Her name is Franny.

You have a great Instagram. They can follow you on Instagram. You can follow me on Instagram. You can follow me on Twitter. At Molly Tarlov. You can follow me on Twitter, at Molly Tarlov. You can follow me on Twitter at Molly Tarlov. I feel like I'm, like, abusing you. You're like, fine, I guess.

No, it's just, you know, it's like so, it's just, it's so, I honestly, right now, I mean, I have a pilot right now that I wrote that, whatever. I mean, how many times has that come through this microphone um but I truly feel like a housewife who doesn't cook or clean honestly that's where I'm at right now I'm like I'm in my house and I'm like I I like find things to fill my days yeah I like get my nails done a lot I mean I literally had like did you see the jean jacket I embroidered? It's really cute. Right. How long did that take you? Just a few hours. You should sell denim jackets that are embroidered. It's like, you know, the selling business isn't for me because I don't like package things. Yeah, you gotta package them and ship them. It's a whole thing. It's a lot. Well, anyway, thank you for listening to Why Won't You Date Me.

Molly, thank you so much for being on my podcast. Thank you, Nicole. I love you. Truly, what a dream. If you like it, please subscribe,

leave a comment, review it, say something nasty to me, or just say something nice and I'll read it. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.