Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Married to a Man-Ho (w/ Lisa Ann Walter)

Episode Date: January 5, 2024

Comedian Lisa Ann Walter (Abbott Elementary) joins Nicole to share her unique marital experiences, from a husband who eventually came out as gay to another who was an absolute man-ho. She shares the struggles she's faced touring as a mom, comedy clubs now allowing her to work "blue", and reflects on her time in the industry being recognized as "The Body".Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me and Nicole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single. Or I was, but then, I don't know. I've done so many episodes, nobody knows. Anyway, my guest today is a hilarious comedian known from The Parent Trap, and she's currently starring on the multi-award winning sitcom, Abbott Elementary. Also, she's in this movie, Eddie, that I love so much. Also, Abbott Elementary is returning for a third season

in February on ABC. I'm so excited she's here. It's Lisa and Walter! I love it. Thank you for the huge hype. I love that. That makes me feel like I can attack my day. Good.

I'm so excited. Oh, my God. Look who you have visiting. Oh, that's Clyde. He's mad that he always gets mad when I record because he's like, you're not paying attention to me. I have one, too. A lot bigger on the floor.

A hundred pounds of buster right over here. And he. Oh, my God. A hundred pounds of buster. And he waits until I get on a Zoom and then immediately starts barking to go outside i'm like you're a toddler yeah that's your baby um we were talking about eddie before we started and it doesn't stream anywhere which is devastating to me so i have a dvd of it i also have it on VHS. I didn't say this, but I have it on DVD and VHS, and I have a DVD and a VHS player just to play Eddie.

Can I just admit to the fact that I have a number, not like a horde, but an embarrassingly high number of VHS versions of movies that I love that I kept, even though I do not have a VHS player. And I'm sorry, how much room do they need to take up in my house? They are thick. They're thick. Not in a good way. They're so thick. Lisa, you started doing stand-up in like the 80s, right? It was, let me think, let me think, because my son, I had my son right out of college. And he went, so like a year later in 87, I had my son. And then about a year after that, I started doing stand-up.

So yeah, late 80s, like kind of the height of the comedy boom, fortuitously for me, because there were hardly any women. They were like, my joke is, for people that know the comedy scene of the 90s, that there were 20 female comics and three of them were Judy Gold. She's tall. Thank you. Thank you, Nicole. She loves that joke so yeah i was like married and had a kid and was young and still cute had my original figure and um i out of the box and so you know after being successful in touring nationally for about seven years i got offered tv shows

that came out here and to star in them but i was an actress first. I went to school to act. Oh, you did? Oh, yeah. I went to a very prestigious drama department at the Catholic University of America where we did The Greeks and Shakespeare. Oh, I love that. She's classically trained. I am classically trained. But yet when I came out here, they were like, but she tells BJ jokes. So she's so comic who doesn't know what she's doing and i'm like watch what was like because now when i do like i do comedy and now people are like as a woman in comedy i'm like aren't we past this but in like the late 80s what was like what was it like like did they let you work blue? Did you get restrictions?

So great that you asked that. And see, this is why I love talking to comics, but in particular, comics, because you understand what the vibe is and what to ask. And people get it because the world has, well, I was going to say we've gone so far ahead, but screeching backwards in the last couple of years. But for a while there, we were cooking.

Yeah, yeah. But back then, I remember I was going to all of these, like, you know, A-list showrooms around the country, did the showcases. I was headlining in these big clubs. But I was getting, I was going there because I was an opening act for a big soap opera star named walt willie who was on all my children but he had like all these female fans because he was a

big big hunk of a man and he did stand-up but it was new to it so i did an hour to open and it was my people it was in in new york it's a bunch of i called called them, you know, white furniture from Conran's people with no children. Like in the country, it was women dragging their husbands to come see me. And so I had material for the dudes, the women loved me. So I really developed the act on the road. And that's how I got to a place where they were offering me TV shows. My, my ex-husband, I have two ex-husbands. First one, lovely Jewish man turned out. We had too much in common. He also liked men. Second one, a cheater, which is not technically a religion, but he practiced it like it was. The opening joke. So my first husband, who I adore, is with me every weekend, is like my best friend. He really believed in me. He called me the housewife from hell. He was my manager. And that was the reason why I gained so much ground in those years that I became a headliner.

But I would go into clubs having just killed, slaughtered, there were 500 people on their feet screaming, carrying me out of the room. And I'd come back and whoever was the owner who had met me at, and they're like, oh, we're bringing her back to headline. And I out of the room. And I'd come back and whoever was the owner who had met me yet, and they were like, oh, we're bringing her back to Headline. And I would fill the club and then I'd get there and the owner would go, so we don't let women work blue here. That's insane. That's so wild.

On the, I don't know, fourth or fifth time, I was in Rochester. And girl, it was the winter. I went to Rochester in the winter. They should have rolled out a red carpet. The guy did that, but walked into the kitchen or wherever they had comics. And, uh, and the guy goes, well, we don't let women work blue here. And I just went, well, good luck getting a headliner Friday night at seven 30. And I turned on my heel and left and it was web store. The guy chased me and was like, no, no, no, no. And I'm like, yeah, maybe ask your people how I killed. I love that.

I love that. Call their bluff and be like, well, then great. If you're going to tell me how to work, I'm leaving. Well, can you imagine ever saying that to a guy? And what they meant for, I don't know if there's anybody in your audience who doesn't understand it, working blue is not just the material of, I'm a woman talking about sex the reason i started doing stand-up was i was so tired of watching guy comics co-opt our experience i'm like how many guy comics am i gonna listen to

tell the story of birth like don't tell me how painful it is for you to watch it right yeah when it's tough to do it bill cosby bit about and i remember joan rivers had like one joke where she said it's like birth is like taking your bottom lip and pulling it over your head and that was the only time i can remember a woman telling about it so i had a 20 minute hunk about having the baby you know know, screaming for a C-section, like the hippie couple in the Lamaze video. Like it was a whole thing and women lost their minds because nobody was talking about it. Right. So, but it wasn't just that stuff. Cause there was a whole thing about guys, you know, their attitude was, oh, you do women's stuff. Like you talk about your period.

The fact of the matter is I never did have a bit about my period but I had lots of other stuff that was female-centric because it's my experience and women want to laugh and women want to see themselves on stage and I just think it's so wild to like to tell someone how to work or like what you can it's like just because you don't want to listen to it doesn't mean somebody else doesn't want to listen to it and then also it's like if you just listen you might learn something you know when it got to where girls went oh being a stand-up's a viable career option i'm the funniest 40 i can do 15 minutes of low job jokes why not me right so so that became like a thing where we got to hear a lot more different kind of women's perspective about things. It started to become a lot broader in terms of gender identification and color and all of it.

Right. But back then it was 10 women. They were all white, half were gay. That's it. that's it so they were very specific about like oh i want a woman to tell her experience but do it like you know do do observational comedy like ellen degeneres yeah it's like ellen and rosie are avoiding talking about their life because they can't be out there were reasons for all of it but anyway i hopefully although people don't necessarily put me together with stand-up i i hope that in my own way, I helped change it a little bit because I was out there.

Of course you, you had to have helped change it because you did it. You went out there, you did it. You showed that like women can be, you know, multi-dimensional and talk about anything they want to. Was it hard to tour when you had a kid?

So hard. And i had two i mean the first one go back and forth to new york my ex would like i would drive in with him in the car seat he would hang out for a set like all the waitresses loved him and then they would i would keep the car and run around the city and do you know four sets you know uptown and down at the cellar and be all over the place and then on on the weeks I was out of town, then I had my daughter four years later, and I did stand up up until three days before I had her. I went back to work when she was five weeks old, pumping milk while I was on the road because we had bought a house and I was paying the bills. So it wasn't like an option. I literally remember the first time I was for a

full weekend, I was on stage at the Comedy Connection in Providence, Rhode Island, and I was telling the audience, I'm peeing into a diaper right now. Because we're very, you know, in, yes, it killed me. And in fact, the scene that a lot of people connect to me is the I am Annie scene from The Parent Trap. I used the emotional work of having to leave my daughter and knowing what that was like to just be away from her for four days. And what I did when I got home was to smell the air

and run to a room and smell her head because we're animals and you just want to smell you and hold your young. I wouldn't let her, we couldn't drive home sometimes when he picked me up from the train or whatever, because I just had to hold her and smell her as long as I could. It was hard. I mean, it was hard. I wasn't taking hotel rooms sometimes and driving back at three in the morning because I didn't want to spend the $26 and I wanted to get home to my babies. So I always say I earn every penny that I made in this business because it was a it was a rough time. Yeah, that does sound so rough. But it also sounds

like, you know, like that age old, like, can a woman have it all? It sounds like you did. Like you got to be a mom. You got to work. It was hard, but We're bitches all the time. And this is why. Because we're so busy trying to do it all. Keep the plate-spinning act of raise a family, find a cure for cancer, have a flat stomach. We can't do it all. We're constantly failing. And so we're hard-worn, you know, mad all the time. And that was kind of the point of it was that that thing that they sold us in the 70s, the sexy wife,

because you couldn't just be a wife. You had to be a hot wife. You had to be a flat stomach wife. And then you had to have this high powered career. So that was the TV shows that I created reflected my generation's reality, which I hadn't seen on TV before. Because every show that I saw with a strong, powerful mom-wife character, she was coming home from work with a briefcase going oh work was a bitch and you're like what did she do again you never saw her at work it's like yeah what did she actually do right what's going on when all of our lives are at least a third of you know so but it's funny because given the what this show is and what we're talking about, what's interesting about the careers that we've chosen is that we picked something that you might as well be a drill sergeant or an army general or a CEO. It is high power.

Comedy is powerful. It's as big as being sexy. And see, sexy, you can mitigate with being a little vulnerable, depending on the kind of guys you like and vice versa. But you can balance it in terms of a male-female dynamic. Funny is just balls. It takes balls or ovaries to get on stage and say, I trust that what's coming out of my mouth, people are going to want to hear. So it can be innately threatening to lots of guys. Like, listen, I don't know you but I know you and the there's a reason why we have a hard time finding someone that interests us enough and it's not because they got it because how many times you've gone out with a guy and then they like are working real hard

they're auditioning like swinging their jokes and you're like yeah and in my brain i'm like oh boy you're not funny but on the outside i'm like ha ha ha ha ha this is nice when a guy says he loves funny women what he means is somebody will laugh at his dumb jokes he doesn't have to do that but what they do have to be is on whatever their gig is whatever not just not just their job, but like their passion, they have to be like on it. Then they have to be like top of the game. We're smart. That's what turns me on. You have to, you have to match this. Yeah. That, and I like guys who are a little weird, who are just like, I like when someone surprises me with something funny,

like we're just having a normal conversation. They like make a weird noise. And I'm like, oh, that's fun. I like that. You're silly. I like silly. I think silly more than funny because I'm I'm a very silly comedian and I like to I like to go goofy rather than cerebral or whatever. Real quick, Lisaisa we have to take a break and we're back so when your husband came out to you what what was that like it's funny we were just talking about this the other night with our oldest. We were just hanging out and we were talking about the times being different. And that started at about the time he came out to me, which was, we had been together a good number of years. Let me see, that would have been, we had been together like six years, seven years. and then he asked me not to share it. Like he didn't want our son to know until he was 18 because he was, it was a different time. It was the early nineties. And, um,

he didn't want his son to have a weird idea of who his father was compared to who he thought he was. I didn't think any less of him. It was hard for me. The thing that was hard was I have to now go into the world and look for a partner that I'm comfortable with the same way I was my senior year of college, that I basically grew up to an adult, to a mom, became a fully formed human with this guy who knows all my references. And now I got to find that in California. It was awful. But people weren't worried about what I was feeling because in those times it was like, you're so great. And it is still a little bit like that. And by the way, get it, that's valid. I felt like that for him. My initial response when he was like,

I've known this is who I am since i'm 13 i just was afraid and i was like damn if i had been like if i had been you know submerging the urge to like get men for you know 20 years i i'd be pissed yeah so i i felt for him but nobody was worried about what i was feeling it's all kind of concentrating on celebrating him and his self-discovery. He's a great guy. Like I said, he's my best friend. I probably in the world, besides my closest girlfriends that I'm tighter with and knows me better and loves me more. I said, even back then, we'll grow old together, just not as romantic partners. Because now kids have a whole new thing too about like, oh yeah, well, he also likes men,

so we're cool with that. And I'm like, I may be not evolved enough for that. You know what it is though, Nicole? Here's what it is. It's why I never got with or stayed for a long time with someone that I knew to be cheating. Soon as I found out, second was the gigantic, you know, man hoe. And he wanted to stay with me. He was like, I could just keep what I'm doing. And I'm going to stay with you and be, I was like, no, cause I'll, I'm Sicilian. I will kill you. I will kill you. I'll kill her. I'll kill everybody. I'll be in jail. Wait, that's so wild. Why is it because you were on the road or shooting? So he was like, you're busy. So I'll stay busy. No, he was just a whore.

He had been from the time he was young. He was a gorgeous guy. Absolutely gorgeous, great body. And from the time he was young, he was sport eff effing like that's what he that's what made him his father was a cheater I think he learned it at behavior like he had a big I think a whore Madonna thing going you know we had a great sex life and then you know I had kids and it was like oh she's a mom now and it was never really obvious to to me i guess i figured it out after the fact but um yeah i i've been i think many women don't separate sex and love because we we have to connect it because we can die in childbirth so our biological imperative is you have to love something to be willing to die for it right so yeah absolutely i mean just in our in our cranium not you know

over i'm not out there going i would die for you because no but i just think um i i just can't like think about anybody wanting somebody more than me but i'm with them and i'm not a young woman it's not like i am running around getting i don't't need a butt implant. I got Sicilian booty. But I'm not getting stuff done so I can be hotter. I'm not working as hard at it. Because I make my own money, too. I'm not trying to latch on to someone else's 401k. Like, you know what I mean?

Yeah. And also, yeah, being sexy, you were saying earlier, like, there's so many different ways to be sexy. To me, being funny is when I feel my sexiest. And then I was dating this dude who like, he really liked how I looked without makeup on. And he would always be like, you look so pretty right now. You just look like you. And I was like, oh my God, I'm sexy. I'm sexy. When you find someone that is into your quirks and your what makes you you, that is the most relaxing thing. Like you just it's like being in a sweatshirt of a relationship. Yes. Where you just don't have to try and you're just like comfortable and it's nice and it's easy. Did you ever see, sorry to interrupt.

I know you have a question, but I got to bring this up. I'm obsessed with them. There is somebody, I can't remember her name on Instagram, but she's this like country woman. She says milk and she's married to this man that's got a big mountain man beard and she cooks all this stuff for him, the cobbler and bread and crap. And she just cooks away and she cooks all this stuff from the cobbler and bread and crap and he just she just

cooks away and she's the cutest thing she's like add some vanilla too if you're sexy and then their husband comes in with a mountain man beard and he eats our food and the way the two of them look at each other when he's eating her food i shouldn't be watching this this is sexy that's so funny that you say that because that's it's not sexual but it's so intimate it was it's so intimate they clearly love each other so much she's not trying to look like anything she is wearing her her little sweater with cover with flower her hair is all big there's no makeup and the two of them together are the hottest thing it's just because they found each other and that is their language i love that i love people who are in love it makes me so happy um when you were on the road did you you were married but did you have chuckle fuckers oh people who were chasing after me because no, in those days it was hilarious because you know,

Jeff Lipschitz, Jeff Ross, when he was the original name, he'd have girls lining up around the corner, which is why guys were like, I mean, the other comics and the club owners and the managers. Absolutely.

Absolutely. In a way that's, you know, actionable, really. It's so wild to me because now when I speak to, you know, female identifying comics, they're like, no, I don't really have chuckle fuckers. Guys still have chuckle fuckers. And I'm like, not even back in the day when there was like so few female comedians.

I'm like, when will we get chuckle fuckers? Yeah. Yeah, it's wild they didn't really the but you know what was interesting was that when i got out here with offers to star in tv shows because i did have and i found this out years later i didn't know this i was working with a real low self-esteem in terms of my looks you scratch any female comic and you're going to get some kind of twist. And a lot of times it's, you know, sexual abuse or, you know, in my case, I was fat when I was a kid.

You know, it's like whatever it is that you're compensating for with the funny, right? So I found out years later that I was known in the industry as the body. I had no idea. Yeah, because I was before Kim, I was this. Now the wardrobe lady like on my ABC show was trying to make me look like Calista Flockhart, who was the other lawyer on network television. That was never going to happen. I was 36, 24, 36 when I was 13

years old. Like that was my body. body and see the sad thing was is i spent years trying to lose 10 pounds i mean decades trying to lose 10 pounds gave myself an eating disorder i was a drunk for a long time because all i did was drink a little bit of wine instead of food you know i mean there was all sorts of terrible mutations that women and in particular women in those days like you were not allowed to have. You were supposed to look like one of the original Charlie's Angels. Right. Yeah, that's so truly wild that like in like years removed, you found out that people were like, oh, I loved your body when it's like. I knew then that that.

Oh, you did. Well, the people like the guys in charge did i knew then they were busy trying to get with it you know i mean i i knew that they were into it it was just the business that had other ideas but meant specific men all of them were like down but i still was having to convince myself that I was like sexy like the other like the women like wine and cocaine diet like it's crazy what our minds do to us oh yeah absolutely I have always been fat my whole life and I remember I would like cover up my arms because I was like I don't like my arms and people probably don't like them and then I remember

waking up one day and I was like well who cares and people probably don't like them. And then I remember waking up one day and I was like, well, who cares if other people don't like them? I think I'm okay with them. And then I just really started accepting my body for what it was like, it gets me from point A to point B. I like when I wear clothes. I like me and it took it took a while. But like now I'm fine with it. And it's wild because yeah, my my brain would just be like people don't want to see it like yeah, it's like well, my, my brain would just be like, people don't want to see it. Like, and it's like, well, my body's not for people. They're going to judge me. It's for, it's for me. And you know, some of the things too in our business is that it's not just a question of going and finding like a nice outfit for a wedding that you're going to or whatever. You're

going to be on a red carpet and then the whole world gets to have that. Should she be wearing this? I remember there was a thing that i actually just found it recently it was in inquire or something and i was in i don't know where i even got this thing probably somewhere on melrose and it was a snake skin kind of like you know cut up like this like not low cut i usually wore but kind of cut in like this snake skin, like plastic dress with a matching jacket. And girl, it looked good. It sounds good. It was so good.

And my body was banging. And he said, too fat for this outfit or too chunky. And that's what people were doing back then. Like they can't get away with that stuff now. But back then there was no, what's his name? Like Keevan Hall, is that his name? The designer that originally started doing dresses for like, for Queen Latifah and some of the other women.

I'm not sure of their name, but that sounds kind of familiar. Yeah. And I think, and he was like, and then there were a couple, there was no Christian Siriano yet, but, and then women started a couple there was no christian siriano yet but and then women started going okay well i can dress beautiful and not worry about what other people think and the great thing about it is the minute your mind goes to i like this this is a hot but it took me having culture catch up with it and go oh oh, okay, this is desirable. I remember Justin Timberlake started dating black women

and other women that were curvy. And all of a sudden, white world men went, oh, that's a thing. I can do that now. Oh. Oh, I can openly like that and nobody's going to make fun of me? I don't have to just jerk off to it at home. Like a bit. So it was like overnight, the whole JLo, Kardashian, you know, every gorgeous black woman with a beautiful figure, like became kind of the the soul body.

And then I was like, well, that's me. What have I been waiting for to myself? And then I get on the set of Abbott where out loud, Sherri Lee Ralph is like, girl, girl, you need to stop talking like that about yourself. Stop. I love her so much. She is so wonderful. You are so lucky you get to work with her. Your dynamic is just great in person. Like I've seen you in interviews and stuff. And then on the show, you're really great together. Was it an instant connection? Yeah, it was the way you are when you go into a ladies room and somebody's crying, compliment her shoes. And before you know it, you're going to lunch together.

Like it was that we sat down next to it we had met once before at an event a charity event years before but not didn't really get to know each other and within about an hour of sitting next to each other at our table which became it's funny when we have a new director that thinks they're going to put us at different tables we're just like no we sit here we just were on our phone looking at a dress or looking at whatever and started talking about like taking care of our kids as divorced women in a town as expensive as Los Angeles. And we were friends by the end of that day and going to lunch together. And we had a scene on our last day of shooting this season where they said, just be talking before the scene starts like be talking about something and i knew i knew that i would just come up with something different each time and make her kind of make her laugh so

every time they said action i would be saying something like and i couldn't go to sleep because i was just sweating i just i couldn't stop sweating and she would just go like well that's what happens it was like a well, that's what happens. It was like a different thing that I was saying. I'm like, I don't know how I email. I never signed up for it. They're stalking me now. I'm going to call the cops.

And she would just be like, so you went into the store. Stop going into the store. And I don't know which one they're going to pick, but it'll be interesting to see. That's so fun when you make a friend on set and then you're like, oh, we get to do scenes together and just have a silly fun time. Yeah. Real quick. We gotta take a break. Has Cheryl tried to set you up with anyone? You know what? She hasn't. And I think that that's wrong. That's rude. Yeah. I don't know who she knows out here, you know what she hasn't and i think that that's wrong that's rude yeah i don't know who she knows out here you know because she splits her time between in here but i'm not adverse i don't know how you feel i don't need to date someone who lives right here like i feel like at my age if it's right it's not like i'm gonna get someone to be a dad to my babies like they're

grown like he could i almost would prefer someone who comes from a normal place and like atlanta or boston you know someplace yeah where there's normal people doing regular jobs that aren't in they can be in my business but they could be like here or something i don't i don't think it works when it's two performers it's like like Highlander. There could be one. I could never date an actor. I just, I, because I know how I am and I'm like, I don't need to, I don't need double that going on. I don't need us worrying about self-tapes together

or worrying about, you know, meetings. And also being, having the ups and downs financially of this career. You need someone who's stable emotionally stable steady yes um are you on any dating apps at all i was for a really long time i was on um first i was on whatever match and then i was on bumble for i met a lot of people went out i dated a guy for even a couple years but we both had teenagers living at home at the time and we never we never like took it to the next step not wild and when i say took it to like we never oh really that is truly wild years and then i was taking care of

my mom that's mine who was who was sick You know, he had a lot going on. So I kind of understand it. But yeah. And then I never got on Hinge. People are all talking about Hinge now, but I never got on. I kind of want to, me and my bestie, who was Meredith in Parent Trap, Elaine Hendricks, the blonde, we want to go to the UK and find guys with accents. That's our new thing.

Ooh, that sounds delightful. We want to go to the UK and find guys with accents. That's our new thing. Ooh, that sounds delightful. I want to go to Scotland. I want a little redhead. Oh, you want a Jamie? I do. I really do. Yeah, he's got to have that accent. I could be down with it.

The Scottish guys are a bit, they're a bit a lot from what I understand. When you were on the apps, did you get recognized a lot? And was that weird? I didn't know until I was on dates with them. And, you know, the wild thing too, is that because I became so well, this is before Abbott. and I became very well known in a movie where people assumed I was 50 when I made it. I was not. I was 30. But they thought I was much older and my hair had been dyed,

as Nancy Meyers said, shit brown, hid my figure and all of that. So I don't think they would have recognized me. The ones who did thought that I look like me this and not like a 20 year old version of that, that I wasn't 70. So, so, yeah, so people weren't expecting it. And also, you know, people recognize me a lot by my voice. So if I talk to them them first then they they didn't know and which i prefer anybody dating me like that's the weird thing now it's like who am i gonna meet i don't know i think you could meet someone really fun and interesting and hot i don't know i think you deserve that thank you it's it's amazing to me how many women tell their women friends like this is what you deserve in life like they're really sure about it i'm like we're hiding them yeah where they at

what's going on but honestly i think 2024 is going to be my year i think it's going to be your year i think we're going to be fucking we're going to find people and we're gonna have a nice time okay i'm dead that's what i think but offer it up I think we're going to be fucking, we're going to find people, and we're going to have a nice time. Okay, I'm down. That's what I think. But offer it up. Yes, from my lips to God's ears, we're going to be fucking in 2024. Yes. I'm very excited about it.

I like this speech. I like it. Well, who are you looking for? As long as I'm talking to Cheryl, who can I drum up for you? You know, someone with a job, someone who is kind. I do like a tall one. I do too. And just a kind, tall, employed person. You know what?

The bar is so low. No, you said that's my list. I would even say I like a guy. He's got to be bigger than me me i don't want to be wider than anybody at the gate i don't want to feel like i would break him if like the sex got real slamming i don't want there's nobody i want to snap in half like i and i'll feed you i i'm a great cook i want somebody wants to eat my food like they like fussy soy soy person i mean a fussy soy person would just be annoying because i like to share food at restaurants so it's like yeah you gotta absolutely i hate when people order

shit that i'm like oh i don't want to taste that so you're just gonna eat that all by yourself and it's full of mushrooms that's not good for me tell me'm wrong. There is nobody as convinced of their truth as a vegan that is trying to tell you how really great these vegan pancakes are. Like they want to sell you on their version. Yes, because it's not good. If you're vegan and you're listening, I'm so sorry. God bless. I was a vegan for a summer. I spent a lot of time being like, this is okay. This tastes okay. This is fine, but it wasn't delicious and I wasn't happy about it. No, it's good for vegan. So after you've been vegan a really long time, my girlfriend Elaine does this to me. She's been vegan forever. She's real well-known animal rights person. She does not eat sugar either. So there's a whole

lot of stuff like thickened with fava bean juice she's been not eating this stuff for so long that she does think it's good and i'm like that's upsetting to me but i guess if you live long enough without the sugar and yummy stuff you're like this this is yummy i love a date you know what though i'm gonna tell you right now that this when we start getting into the and he can't do this and he can't do that, that's where we get into trouble. Because quite frankly, as long as he eats me, I don't care what else he eats. Well, then he can't be a vegan because you are meat. Anyway, Lisa, we do have to wrap it up.

Is there any advice that you would give single people out there oh god listen listen to the this last hour and what we talked about and and tell me why I have the right to give anybody advice um you know this is what I would say just being at my age and and living with a lot of different types of relationships. People have a lot of rules about what they would never accept. And I am not advocating for accepting bad treatment or, God forbid, any kind of abuse, either emotional or physical. you know we've all had our stories and me included but i would say there are a lot of things that we should be that we all as human beings on this planet should be open to forgive and especially when someone has an intention to learn and be better we should be willing to forgive because you know we we're all hiding behavior that we think is suspect or scary or wrong or bad, or we're embarrassed by it. And maybe we're all just okay people. None of us are. And we should

be willing to accept, you know, somebody's crazy toenails or whatever the hell they got going. You know, whatever it is in their life that's nuts just maybe we should be a little more forgiving i like that i think that's good advice one more question i ask all my guests this i've only missed it a couple times would you date me sure of course why shouldn't i date you you're thank you You're smart and you're funny. You've got like at least three out of the four things that I said I require. You have a job. But wait a minute.

We're both actors, so we can't be on each other. Oh, yeah. We already talked about this. This wouldn't work out. You know what? We're breaking up. All right. It's me. I'm very sad about it.

It's me. I'm down. No, no. It's me. It's not you don't worry about it that's okay the good news is we get to eat a lot of junk food now yeah because i gotta get over this breakup yeah thank you so much for being here oh you're welcome it's my pleasure nicole you were just a delight. Thank you for having me. Oh, thank you. Oh, is there anything you would like to promote? Well, we've got the new season of Abbott, obviously. And then people can find me.

I'm doing stand-up. I had to put it on hold while we're shooting this third season. But I'll be back up and doing it in the spring and the summer. And got some dates. I know I'm going to Philly again because, boy, they insisted that I go do stand-up at Philly, at the Helium in Philly. I love the Helium in Philly.

That is such a great club. And the audiences are great. I've had great audiences all over the country. Nashville, I had never performed in before, and it was like, it was a riot. Like, literally, I thought they were going to riot in this club. Standing O's everywhere. It's just been Chicago.

I'm getting ready to go back again. I was there about four or five months ago. So, you know, I'm all over the place. Just check out my website so you don't find out where I am. Perfect. All right. What's that website? It's Lisa and Walter everywhere.

And then my my links are on there. Lisa and Walter on Instagram. L-I-S-A-A-N-n-w-a-l-t-e-r perfect if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe give me five stars and if you write me something dirty hitting on me i will read it this person said hey nicole oh wait to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com hey nicole if you see i'll see you looking beautiful across the delta lounge. I'll walk up and say, want to go to a real party? So we'll prance off to a secret lady glory hole under the airport where we get our holes filled with all the

big old dick we want while we high five. We part ways with one sloppy kiss and you continue on your flight. On your flight, you're fucking glowing and extra gorgeous from all the dicks and orgasms. In first class, obviously. Some rich hot dude is stunned by your satiated radiance and must win your heart and pound your juicy pussy. It's your future husband.

Thank you. Goodbye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with nicole byer this show is produced by me mars with guest research by lindsey kemp it's executive produced by adam sacks nick leo and jeff ross at team coco with guest booking by paula davis gina batista and maddie ogden got a dirty message for nicole write it to whywon'tyoudatemypodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye.

This has been a Team Coco production.