Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Masturbating to Food (w/ Marcy Jarreau)

Episode Date: April 13, 2018

Nicole's good friend Marcy Jarreau (UCB Comedy, Loosely Exactly Nicole, Kar Dishin' It podcast) is on the show to discuss Nicole's hate for the Coffee Meets Bagel dating app, and soup. Check out Marcy Jarreau's A Funny Feeling podcast on HeadGum! You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out why I'm still so single even though I will fuck you without dinner. My guest today is my dear friend.

She's a lady who I've been friends with since I moved to LA. You can see her this week on my show, Loosely Exactly Nicole. She plays a lady I work with at a store and we don't get along. She's also been on Comedy Bang Bang. She has a short called Relationship Goals. We improvise every Sunday together

on Search History at UCB Franklin at 11pm. It's Marcy Jarrell! Boo! Did I say history at UCB Franklin at 11 p.m. It's Marcy Jarrow! Boom, boom! Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom! Did I say your last name right? I'm always scared. I think so. Jarrow? Jarrow.

Jarrow. I mean, whatever. I'm from the South. Mm-hmm. I used to call you Jarrow. And then you said it, and I was like, ah, shit, I've been saying it wrong for so long. You know, that happens a lot. And I don't care. That's not my problem. I don't mind either. That's not my problem. I don't mind either. It's almost like beer.

Beer? Buyers? I'll be like buyer, but like truly. I don't even correct people. It's a hard name. It is. There's a lot of A, E, and U's. Maybe there's one of each.

Yeah, at least. J-E-A-U-R-U. Yeah. Well, you didn't spell it, but you name checked a lot of the letters that are in it. I just wanted to, you know, stop by some letters, you know. So, Marcy, I know you're single. I'm single. Not looking to mingle. So you are, I know you were on Tinder for a hot second.

I have been on Tinder. I've been on all the dating apps very briefly. But they're bad. They are bad. They are terrible. They're bad because they give men carte blanche to be just as bad as they want to be. What's that word? Carte blanche.

That's a good word. It just means they have full access. There's nothing stopping them from being... One, they do an annoying thing on Tinder, which I think, because I listen to your podcast, I'm a big fan. Thank you. What they do is they just swipe right on everyone

so that they can then see what their options are of interested applicants. I do that now. I'm living like a man. Everyone is lying. Yeah, you're right because sometimes i feel bad when like a nasty dude is like and i'm like oh and i'm like oh yeah i've been swiping right on everybody yeah it's like he got the validation and was so excited that this beautiful woman like was in his like uh accepted box he was like, no, she doesn't like me either, Mom.

I just want to read a profile I came across. I posted it on my Instagram, but I do want to talk about it. So Michael 30, who lives five miles away from me, or was five miles away from me at the time, his profile says, women's opinions matter little to me. So please keep them to yourselves. And nah, I'm not going to watch your favorite Netflix show. I'm only interested in white women for

relationships. POC, people of color, are my cum dumpster. If you're worthy, I could make you a sex slave. If you're lucky, I like submissive women in and out of the kitchen. This is on Tinder? This is on Tinder. I swiped right on him

because I was like, I have to know what that conversation is. Yeah. Where he was like, hi, Nicole. I'm glad you liked what you saw.

I want you to be my cum dumpster. Don't you think this is just a troll? That this is not a real person? This is just like someone who made

a fake profile? You think? Yeah, I think it's like that time that someone in our community made a fake profile of a girl with special needs. And then was like, oh my God, people actually liked her. Which is totally fucked up because people with special needs can totally date.

But I also think he's just like, or he or she is making maybe a fake profile. Maybe. To see how awful they can be. Maybe, but I have matched with men who've said like misogynistic but they wait things they wait though they don't put it up front he's too aware of his misogyny for me to think it's real maybe do you know what i mean i guess like most misogynists would tell you all day long that they're not a misogynist just like a racist would be like i'm not a racist but well also he used poc which is like a very would be like, I'm not a racist, but dee dee dee dee dee.

Well, also he used POC, which is like a very hip way to say people of color. Yeah, that's not what you're going to call those people if you're actually that guy. No, you call them a nigglet. Yeah, you call them a, I can't say that. No, but I can. I would never. Yesterday I called myself a little piglet, though. That is funny. And I feel like it upset our friend Paul.

You little piglet. I was like, give this little piglet something. And he was like,let, though. That is funny. And I feel like it upset our friend Paul. You little piglet. I was like, give this little piglet something. And he was like, oh, I don't like it. You call yourself a piglet? I mean. That was my nickname when I was growing up. That's not nice. The kids would call you that?

My sister is six years older than me. And all of her high school friends called me piglet. What did you do? Did you like oink? No. Oh, why would it oink? They called me Piglet Lake from Winnie the Pooh. Oh, I thought it was because you were chubby.

Yes, that too. But also because I was adorable. I don't know. I just took pictures of them when they were drinking underage. That's what I did. That's very funny. What else are you looking for? I'm looking for some direct messages that I got.

I don't like soup, so I get a lot of messages about people also not liking soup. I mean, you really lead with that. Very funny. I hate soup. It's so dumb. Let's see. I love soup so much.

Soup is bad. Tomato soup is so good. I don't understand. It's like hot ketchup. Yeah, I love hot ketchup so much. Don't you love ketchup and fries? Yeah. Soup is a great thing where you can pretend like it's a better food.

I guess. But you're like, it's low in calories and it's really filling because it takes up a lot of volume in your stomach. So when you're dieting or anything dumb like that, you can eat some soup and be like, well, this sort of tastes like pizza. No. Gross. I'm going to read this DM real quick. Do you not even like

French onion soup, though? No, it's disgusting. It's like brown broth with little flotums in there and it's covered in cheese. So it's like, the cheese is good. Like what's under it.

Yeah. I've seen your turkey slop, though. I know what you eat. I love turkey slop. I've been eating so much turkey slop. I know what you eat. I love turkey slop. I've been eating so much turkey slop. Turkey slop is just ground turkey, like marinara sauce, ricotta cheese, parmesan cheese, maybe some mozzarella. Sounds like a soup to me.

That's not a soup. And you put it over, you can put it over noodles, but I put it over green beans. So healthy. I'm trying to be a little healthier. I'm trying to be a little healthier. I'm trying to be less healthy. I just learned how to make gravy and I'm putting it on everything. Gravy is like a lot of flour, right?

It's a little flour. It's not a lot. It's like two to three tablespoons of flour. And then what? And then like whatever you can do. If you make a brown gravy, so it's like whatever oil, fat, or butter, whatever you want to use. A little couple, two, three tablespoons of flour until it's all absorbed. Then you kind of brown it to whatever color you want it without burning it.

And make sure it's smooth and lumpy. And then you can add like chicken stock to it. And then boil it until it reduces down to a nice creamy. Or you can make a white gravy. I got them horny. I've made white gravy on biscuits. Yes. Sometimes food makes me horny.

Sometimes before sleep, I'll like look at food and then masturbate. Well, girl, you mean, wait, that's upsetting. Oh God, you got to tell Mary about that. Mary's my therapist. Sometimes, yeah, I'm just like,

ooh, this food looks so good. I got to get my little vibe out. I'm going to make you, I'm just like ooh this food looks so good I gotta get my little vibey out I'm gonna make you I'm gonna make that puss it slick because I can make a white gravy now

yes and I made it on my first try put some white gravy inside of me okay so this

um I asked for like nasty uh nasty reviews uh on on iTunes. Then I also say you can inbox me some nasty stuff. So this man, Tommy Asterisk on Instagram slid into my DMs.

He said he rewrote this like three or four times because he doesn't know how to come on to me without trying to explain how much I want to come on you. There are many an Instagram photo with a like and a comment where I just place the smiley face with like the drool coming out because I want to eat your pussy more than I want to exist in the free world. If you react positively to this review, I will Derek Rose into your DM and shoot my shot. Also Derek Rose,

because I get so weak in the knees. I can hardly speak. P.S. I would suck your toes and eat your butt. But only if you're into it. P.P.P.S. I'm putting the down to fuck bit from your Tinder on all my dating profiles. So Tommy asterisk.

Thank you. What a treat to read. read i mean i don't enjoy it she's not gonna let you suck her toes no i truly do not like toes i think they're gross um and i don't co-sign anyone wanting to suck on a toe like what if there's like lint from a sock on your toe i mean but you'll eat a butt oh i'll eat a butt until the sun goes down. So one has poopoo, the other one has a little cotton fabric. Also,

the other one will have cotton fabric too from toilet paper. You gotta wash your butt. Yeah, but you could wash your feet. Yes, but like,

I don't know. If you can wash a butt, you can wash your feet. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. A butt seems better than feet. Okay.

Hey girl, Diddy Prime said, if you sit on my face, I'd eat my way to your heart, which is really nice. Jesus Christ. That's just kind of cute. You don't think that's cute? You know, I am not the type of person that likes someone to lead with sex. I grew up too Catholic, too repressed, and I'm not comfortable with someone coming at me with that kind of vibe. Fair.

I don't like it. Now that I don't like sex, that's not the issue. Down to clown once we're there, but I don't need to be talking about it. Like, I don't like casual talk of it because it feels like it takes away a little bit of the magic. Mm-hmm. So. I like, I don't mind forward sex things as a joke. Clearly, because your whole life.

I mean, I am a very, I'm a very sexual person. I like having sex. I don't like to wait if I'm attracted to you. Let's get it done. But I don't mind an opening line from a dude being like I think you're hot I I would love to hook up with you let's try to get together what I don't like is someone being like you're hot I want your butt and then like just a lot of back and forth I don't want to sext with you I don't know you um I just feel like you'll go ahead sorry

I also just like a message is like can I take can I take you out? That's very nice. I would like the idea that someone wants to know who I am because a man or a lot of people would, if you made it where they could do it, would fuck the couch you're sitting on. Yeah. So like them wanting to fuck something, not really that impressive. Doesn't really make me feel anything.

It's just like sure you'd like to put your penis in a warm wet thing got it you should try like a beef dish like a beef wellington or that gravy you make yeah you could put it in my gravy but if someone was like you sound really interesting i'd like to get to know you better. That's kind of more how I... To intrigue a woman like me. Fair. I guess I do. Well, it's not one or the other, too.

No, no, I know. If you like to know that someone really wants to fuck you because that makes you feel good. That makes you feel good. Because you're like, obviously, everyone wants to know me. Yes. Whenever someone wants to get to know me, I'm like

well yes i'm very loud i live a live a way that most people don't i will say this if after i have sex with someone and someone were to say something like that to me it would mean a lot more to me like if they all they could say is like i can't wait to be inside you again like that kind of which would be too forward before we have sex, but after we already have. Yes, that I'm down for. But you can't just be like, because I would fuck anything anyway, so I might as well fuck you.

Like that doesn't do it for me, you know? Fair. That's just my train of thought because I'm a little insecure about how men operate. Yes. Men are, in my experience,

just so confusing. When I was in Costa Rica, I think I explained this to you, but I haven't talked about it on the podcast. I went to Costa Rica because I'm a fancy lady. I just like to not be in the country for New Year's. It's my new tradition. I'm there with you. Or at least not in my home city. Yeah, I don't want to be in my home city. I want to be with people I've chosen to be near. I was on an airplane. I was actually getting a ticket scanned at midnight because they were doing the countdown. Three, two, boop. And they scanned my ticket. And I was like, I'm very happy to be. Where were you going?

I just went to Tennessee for a family reunion. Oh, yes, yes, yes. That looked like fun. It was great. But I met this. So I went with my friend and we went to this bar called Monkey Bar. And everyone was like, it's wild. That's where people go on Friday. You're going to have a great time. So we go and I was like waiting for a drink and my friend

was in the bathroom and all of a sudden this like hand comes down next to me and I was like, oh, this man is like so close. He's in my space. And he's like, you have to be more assertive to get a drink. And I was like, oh, I mean, I'm waiting for a friend, so I don't care. He's like, come on, let me get you a drink. And I was like, whatever. And then he I'm waiting for a friend, so I don't care. He was like, come on, let me get you a drink. And I was like, whatever. And then he was flirting with me. And then I realized he was flirting with me. And I was like, what are the chances of being in Costa Rica and meeting an American man? And then I looked around.

I was like, oh, this is a very touristy spot. Everyone here is a gringo. And we kept talking. And then Sashir and I were like, let's go. And he was like, well, I'll come with you guys. And then later was like, oh, my friends want to stay here. We're like, all right, whatever. So I give him like my contact information through Instagram.

And then we're like just DMing each other all day. And I'm like, I think he likes me. Like I think he's into it. And then he invites me to this bar the next day. And he was like, come to my hostel. We'll like have dinner. We can like hang out a little bit. And I was like, well, we're ready to get dinner. And he's like, we'll just come to the bar. And I was like come to my hostel we'll like have dinner we can like hang out a little bit and I was like

well we're ready to get dinner and he's like we'll just come to the bar and I was like alright so we go to the bar

I show up and he looks so elated to see me like he's so excited to see me it's embarrassing for him he's like

Nicole and I'm like slow your roll I don't fucking know you but then like he hugs me he kisses me

on the cheek like a hundred times and then we start drinking and then we like run into other people we know from new york he allegedly is straight and then finally i was like what is going on why won't he make out with me so then i was like are you single and he was like well i'm in a complicated thing and i was like that's not what i wanted to hear and i was like in a different area code guys And I said, would anyone get mad at you if we made out? He goes, no.

And then didn't make out with me. And I was like, what the fuck? And then all night we just kept talking. And then by the end of the night I was so drunk and I had done some molly and I had done a little edible and I was out of my mind. He was like a little buffet of fun. A little buffet of fun a little buffet

of drugs and he's like talking to someone the music's super loud and i was talking to my friend i was just like he's bad he's a bad man she's like i think so and then we're like we're leaving so then we're leaving and he's like let me walk you out so we walk out and he's like when am i gonna see you again i threw up my like peace sign i was like you're never gonna see me again he was like come on i'm in la sometimes i was like truly you will never see me again then he was like but i want to send you memes and i was like then send me memes you have my instagram contact information and then he was like but like when i'm in la you could like meet my friends and i was like what is this, why have we skipped like levels to this? Why am I meeting your friends?

That man is being so honest with you. Because you know what he's saying? What? I want to show you off that I know you. Because if he's not going to fuck you in Costa Rica, he ain't going to fuck you in the States. I guess not. He wants to be like, this girl who I think is a really funny comedian is awesome. But he didn't know who I was before him.

You don't think he looked you up? Come on. You were pretty recognizable. You're the loudest woman in the world. I would just Google, who's the loudest black woman I've ever met? And then I'd be like, oh, a couple of photos would come up

and it'd be like, Monique. Oh, there's Nicole. Like, I think you're more Google-able than you realize. I just, he, when he approached me. Especially once he's looking at your Instagram, then he knows exactly. Well, that was like the end of the night,

but he already seemed so into me beforehand. I know, but like then you saw him later. Yes. So he knew by that point. Oh, by the second night he knew who I was. He was like, sort of like, I could maybe get down with this. And then he was like, oh yeah,

well he kind of chickened out because he has a girlfriend. And then he was like, but I need my friends to know this girl wanted to fuck me. I mean. Because it makes them feel so good. It inflates their little stupid egos.

I mean, but. Men will do a bunch of stuff just to feel good about themselves. I was truly confused because it didn't seem like he knew who I was at first, but seemed super into me. But then he figured it out. And then after he knew who I was, seemed still into it. He was probably going to always be too scared to follow through because he figured it out. And then after he knew who I was, seemed still into it. He was probably gonna always be too scared to follow through, because he has a girlfriend. And then was like, I need to show

people this little almost trophy I got. I guess, maybe. It was like very weird. Little chuckle fucker. I It was very bizarre. Because, why would he say, I want you to meet my friends? Like, what a crazy thing. I have no idea. Even if you weren't famous, it might just be like, I need my friends to, like, people do that sometimes anyway to be like, oh, great.

Yeah, I'm going to put you in the friend zone and you can still make me feel good because I know you're attracted to me. Ah, I did make it clear. And he, I don't know. Well, congratulations, a man that Nicole's attracted to. You have a body at all. He had a body and he was cute. I was very sad. You're very sweet.

Once a man does anything that I don't feel, I'm like, they're disgusting. Their hairline's receding. That's the worst thing that can happen. They'll never get their hair back. I can lose weight. They'll never get their hair back. I hate them. I always, I'm like, maybe he'll come around

and love me. No, I'm like, hopefully they'll get into, they'll be arrested for something else bad they did because they're bad. I get vengeful though. Do you? I think it goes back to like my daddy issues. Well, see, maybe that's like not, it's not my daddy issues, my mommy. We're very like a black

and white world of like, this is good and this is bad and once someone is bad to me then i think they're bad all the way around which i have to like really work with so like once i'm off of someone i am off of them and they need to go away and feel that i don't want them i don't like to give them anything after that i give people a lot of chances before i'm like you're done no also i find it once i once i like turn on them then they want me so much more but that's too bad because i already turned on them fair yeah it just for a man i also have a man can do anything to me and i'll be like well i guess i should give you one more chance no a man could truly just like not give

me as long of a hug as he gave another woman and I'll be like, die. Yeah. It's so funny that we're on such opposite spectrums of that because, you know, me. Yeah. I let men fucking just be so awful to me. And I'm just like, I don't know. But like, maybe I'll give him another chance. A man could do a very slight aggressive thing to me.

A man could not say hello to you and you're like, he's dead. Yeah. So tell me, you were on Tinder for a little bit. We touched on that briefly and then it went away. Went away. I've been on like, I've done OkCupid, I've done Tinder, I've done Bumble, and I've literally never met anyone off of any of those. The closest thing was once, remember Time Out New York in New York?

Yes, were you part of the singles edition i was one of the singles hold on we're gonna get into that after our break okay so let's take a break right now and we're back what a beautiful break okay tell me about time out New York singles edition so I was chosen as one of like the singles you gotta meet or whatever it is and then you

so they you go to a photo shoot they do like a professional photo shoot and ask you some questions and like someone contacted me it was a New York fireman

oh uh and he was like hitting me up being like let's go on a date we had a date at somewhere one of the bars in the Time Warner Center.

Okay. Was it Landmark? Maybe. They have a delicious steak. They're open until like 2 a.m., so I like to go at midnight. I wish I could remember, but I truly can't. Okay. But it was like, I don't know, up on the third or fourth floor.

I think it was Landmark. It's one of my favorite places. So he was like, let's meet. And then like during the day sent me an email being like my phone's dead but can we meet an hour earlier and i was like sure no problem so i get there at the proposed time and i wait for an hour no he did not show up but my friend leslie lived across the street so i went there got, got high and it was like, fuck this dude.

And then he, uh, sends me a text being like, like 45 minutes later being like, where are you? And I was like, I was there when you said to me and he was like, Oh,

I didn't get your email back. My phone's been dead. And I was like, I don't care. And then I was like, well, I don't believe you. So goodbye. I was like I don't care and then I was like well I don't believe you so goodbye because I don't

because it was just too many things like who loses you can I don't know just like we live in a time where you can get in touch

with someone especially if you propose a change of plans call the restaurant and send a waiter over to tell that person this is like an episode of Sex and the City

where it's Carrie's birthday she goes to that Mexican restaurant. Nobody shows up. She gets home. And there's all these voicemails. But also, she didn't have a cell phone. So I guess it's not the same thing. It was a little different. Sorry I brought it up. But also, like,

I didn't care. I was just like, you can't be bad before we meet. I don't care for you now. I would have gone and met him. I yeah i'm so thirsty for dick like i'm so thirsty for penis i mean i think that's fair if you're like only looking to get laid i know at this point i'm looking for a relationship was that the only person who contacted you on time at new york i think so i I just don't like, I guess I'm like just like a basic fat

white lady and like not like doing enough with it to like compensate for the fat. What do you mean? I mean, I think I'm a cute girl and I know that I'm really like fun and special but I don't know if men are like clicking on me to be like, that's my ideal. To be fair, all of the men I've ever dated,

I'm positive I would not have swiped right on. Fair. Because I don't think it's a good way to pick people. It's a terrible way to pick people. It's a really bad way because everyone always go a little bit out of their league and honestly you're not going to even like those people that are better looking than you because they're stupid.

God doesn't give you two scoops of anything. He gives you two scoops of one thing but not two scoops of many things. You get two scoops of funny or two scoops of looks or two scoops of one thing, but not two scoops of many things. You get two scoops of funny or two scoops of looks or two scoops of brains. Our friend Madeline got double scooped. Madeline is so pretty and so funny. But he didn't give her no scoops of confidence about that.

I think she's got confidence. Or cockiness. She's confident, but she ain't cocky. She's not cocky. And you gotta be cocky to be brainy and good looking. I don't know i think she got double scooped she did okay fine she got big old titties she's gonna hate hearing this yeah she doesn't honestly like she never had to do dating she would get swiped on plenty though

oh she would yeah i'm not like i'm not good bait on those i feel as if i'm not good bait either i'm gonna have you look at my dating profiles. Although I did have a comment where someone was like, can you switch up your dating profile? Because it's getting redundant. But it's like my actual dating profile where I'm trying to like date somebody. Well, maybe you should take some of the feedback and then see how that does. But like everybody seems to like it. Well, let me see.

Hold on. I have to sign in through Facebook. Why the hell hell which is so annoying also i'm on a new dating app so i'm on five dating apps name them i'm on tinder bumble raya okay cupid and coffee meets bagel okay coffee meets bagel seems insane. So on Coffee Meets Bagel, you have to have like beans and you spend beans to like the bagel. And then to get more beans, you have to like play this game. And I was like, this is getting embarrassing that I'm like, I need beans. I need beans to like this man. It's very confusing and I don't understand it. And nobody's liked me. No, you can scoop my vagina right

out and I'll never use it again before I try to play a bunch of games to do it. Alright, let's see. Alright, oh god. Okay, here's Nicole with her great big penis. Yeah, yeah! My dildo pic! It's on all my dating apps. I think it's a I think this is a great, like, fun

Facebook pic for you. I don't think it's the best dating app pick because as someone who feels like everything i see in the world is immediately a challenge to can i live up to this or not uh-huh that i as a man think but i don't have one of those as a man i would i would be like oh if she likes that, then never. But she couldn't possibly like that. It's too big. You look like you like it in this picture. It would split me open.

I know, but it gives the appearance that you're a size queen. Ah, but I am. Yes, and so I think a lot of men don't feel that proud of their penis size. Really? I think they'll talk a good game. I've been fucked by a micro dick who didn't seem to know that it was a micro dick.

Well, yeah, but he was, but, you know, I'm just saying that I think that might be a thing that scares men. That's all I'm saying is I think

that this might intimidate men because it says this girl's a size queen. It would be like if I saw a guy next to like a poster of a huge ass

and I'd be like, well, you don't want this square little thing. But I got a big old ass. You do. And I'd be like, well, you don't want this square little thing. But I got a big old ass. You do. So you'd be like, I'm into that. Okay, this is adorable. Describe it.

You are in front of a pink wall with cacti around you and you're wearing overalls, shorts with a stripes, with the classic hipster lady shirt and your hair is natural, and you have glasses on, and your nails are,

yeah, they're not the most obscene nails I've seen. But you look so- They're obscene now. Yeah, they are obscene now. I like them. Thank you. But I think this is a really beautiful dress down, Nicole.

Oh. Because you always give a lot of face. This is new, right? That is new. I did switch it up, so the person who was mad about it, I did face. This is new, right? That is new. I did switch it up, so the person who was mad about it, I did switch. This is really cute. I would lead with this one

because it gives me everything about me. Lauren Lapkus on Instagram was like, this would be good for your dating profile. I was like, thank you, Lauren. I mean, maybe not lead, but it's good in this position that I get to see it soon because I know that you got that body and I know that you're adorable.

Oh, thank you. All right. So I'll see if you zoom in on the pins. One's a vibrator and one is like a banana shaped like a dick. So I think that's how you show people you love dick. Not with a giant dildo. Like, I think it's more subtle. Like, it doesn't take over my life.

But hey, I like it. I do. I love a dick. So here we have Nicole. You look like a cat burglar trying to get up a set of books bookshelves a bookshelf and it shows your body because you're in a onesie so it shows your body and show you're adorable you look great um this one's cute i think it's sort of like i'm a funny lady which is good because people need to know and then this is you humping a tree and i can tell

you're humping because i can't see your bottom lip so i know that you're biting it thank you and you're wearing a lot of people don't realize i'm humping a tree well i've also heard the podcast so it's kind of oh dang you are have amazing shoes on and i god that's a big ass. What a beautiful ass. It's so big. It's so big. And then you with Clyde and you're wearing yellow and you look so bright and sunny. This could be another first pick too. I would only want to say

to grab them with a neutral pick and then be like, alright, if you made it this far you can see me then the next one is you inside of a heart shaped thing and your legs are spread eagle

and you're snarling at me which is fun yeah you seem like you're like an eartha kit you're like a big eartha kit maybe you should put that in your profile I'm a big ass Eartha Kitt.

I'm a big ass Eartha Kitt. And I can, no, I can't do her voice. If you want to look through, let's see, what else do I have? Oh, I'm also on Hinge. Do you want me to read the I got a- I'm on six dating apps. Should I read the I got a fat ass? I know all this stuff.

That hasn't changed. So if you've made it this far, you know what that says. Yeah, down to figure skate or fuck or farm i mean i think i'm so you are just down to meet people on tinder just to fuck still right yes but i'd also if it turned into something else like i'm willing to go on a date with somebody and like see what happens but since it's up there up front it makes me think that might be one of your primary goals that's all just because it's out front center you don't say anything about meeting someone to date you do say that you would be down to farm fuck or figure skating so that's all all right no one else so you're no longer on dating apps correct i think i'm still on and when i get very bored i'll swipe

through but with not like a real i don't know I kind of feel like um I do better in person are you looking to date or no because you haven't dated in a while the thing is like I think the way I feel right now is I don't mind being alone I've been having like a lot of like growing moments in my life where like, I, you know, I, I, I'm trying to figure out how to be a Marcy.

That's like very happy and feels good about herself without anything else. And then I'll start adding onto that Marcy. So I am in a spot in my life where I'm like, if I met someone, I would be interested in that. But I'm like If I met someone I would be interested In that but I also Like I feel pretty Um Disdainful about men in general right now

Because of all this going on And I and even the best men Sometimes are pretty disappointing When it comes to like women's issues So I and also like I just had a Lifetime of me having crushes on people that didn't quite reciprocate and then in hindsight I'm like I was so like the way you

were at that time in your life and the way I was like I don't know I'm just like so offended that like none of them liked me back and I'm like you know what someone will like me and then we'll see if I like them back I'm done doing the other way so I think that's where I'm at, you know what? Someone will like me and then we'll see if I like them back. I'm done doing the other way. So I think that's where I'm at kind of like. Fair. Not that I'd never want to fall in love, but I'm like, it doesn't need to happen. I think we're all sold this bill of goods that if you don't find love, then your life is worthless. But I love a lot of things and a lot of people.

And so I'm feeling good about that. And then, yeah, I think I am getting to a place where I like myself enough where I'm like, I deserve to be pursued. And if you don't think so, then great. You don't have to pursue me. But I'm not running after these boring men anymore. I love that. I love that so much. I think that's such a nice, healthy way to think about yourself that i'm worth being pursued i'm worth a man

wanting me i'm worth not having to do all the pursuing um i personally do a lot of the pursuing mostly i would say like 98 of the people the men in my life i've pursued absolutely me too that's my history is like that and i'm just like, it didn't really work out that great. Yeah. And I don't know if I'm at a point where I believe I'm worth being pursued because when I am pursued, I freeze up and I'm like, why,

why are you pursuing me this hard? Why are you, why are you doing this? And it makes me scared. Um, the last time I was pursued, I like had to like step back out of it and be like you're worth it he is pursuing you because he likes you that's the reason yeah uh so it's yeah it's a

weird place to be it's hard but like you can't be in a relationship if you think it's weird that someone would love you i know know. But I do. I do think it would be... Sometimes I do think it would be weird for someone to be like, yes, Nicole is the person I want to be with. I mean, you saw my short film. It's about this. I know. It's sort of about the idea that a character who thinks that

life would just be better if I had a boyfriend, and then you have a boyfriend, you're like, oh, this created a whole new set of issues. I think that's what happened. I was in a good relationship while we were together. Like, there weren't problems. And I was like, even when there's no problems, there's so much to, like, so much scheduling

I have to worry about. You know, like, all these, like, you know, like, my sleep is off now. Like, he was kind like all these like, you know, like my sleep is off now. Like he was kind of not like present in this moment. And like, why am I doing this right now? It's a lot of new things start happening when you're in a relationship. So I'm like, you know, I'll just wait till I like somebody a whole, whole bunch. And they like me just as much back.

Fair. You are a larger lady. Can I say that? I'm a big fat back. Fair. You are a larger lady. Can I say that? I'm a big fat lady. Okay. We've been calling ourselves a woman of size. I'm a woman of size.

But everyone's a size. Yes, I know. But also everyone has fat. So I like to say I'm fatter than most. Yeah, whatever feels good. I say I'm a big woman or like a fat lady.

None of it's scary to me. I hate heavyset. For whatever reason, heavyset gets me. Well, it makes it... good i gotta say i'm a big woman or like a yeah a fat lady none of it's scary to me heavy set yeah for whatever reason heavy set gets me well it makes it i'm like it makes me seem like i'm a brick just like a fucking brick house and i'm like i'm heavy shit like there was a mold that made you and it's like just one of the heavier versions she's just a heavier mold no i have fat parts do you think having fat parts makes it harder to date yeah because i think it one society tells people what is beautiful right now so girls with a big ass and a tiny waist is very on trend fashion nova ladies yes exactly uh people who can buy their bodies. But that's not to say that no man is attracted. But there is this whole other level of, like, are they fetishizing?

Do they only like big ladies? Do you have a problem with fetishizing? Yeah. Oh. I don't. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I don't.

I mean, I don't want anyone who is just trying to mark something off of a tally. But a fetish, isn't just a fetish a preference? No. You don't think so? I think a preference is a preference. A fetish is like, I specifically get off knowing that this person is fat. But what about I get off knowing this person's a woman, or specifically get off knowing that this person is fat but like what about i get off knowing this person's a woman or i get off knowing this person i don't know has a foot

i don't know if people do it the same way but if i were missing a foot and people were like i really would like to put my dick on your but isn't that just a preference you just want to put your dick on a stub i don't know i guess what i'm saying is i would like a person to like me and then be like, and I also like, you know. What's wrong with someone being like, I like big women. I love big women. That's a different thing than like.

And then someone looks at you and they're like, that's a big lady. And I think I'm into it. And then they like talk to you and like meet you. And they're like, I love the person who's inside it. They just have to be quiet about it. They just have to quietly. I guess I would hate someone whispering in my ear like oh how many waffles you eat today yeah like I don't want

I don't want to be actually I wouldn't mind it no I just don't like the objectification aspect of it is what I don't like what was I saying so yeah so I think it's hard because like men don't immediately be like that's that's the that's what I imagined

my whole life because we don't fit into that thing and then if they do like you sometimes they immediately be like, that's, that's the, that's what I imagined my whole life. Cause we don't fit into that thing. And then if they do like you, sometimes they like only like you cause they want to sleep with that body type. Or they can sometimes be a little embarrassed to let their other friends know that they're into a woman like you, because then it starts to like, be like,

well, what does that say about me? Like a lot of body politics into it. And it's just easier for a fat man to get a girlfriend than it is for a funny fat woman to get a boyfriend i think i've mentioned this before but i do not believe that there's chuckle fuckers for women no i mean they are and they're creepy i've only truly encountered or they're magicians oh yeah you were on a cruise not a cruise you were working on a cruise that's not where it happened it was not that magician it's at the magic castle that magician

go to the magic magicians have wanted to fuck you marcy i mean i'm sure all of the magicians who have ever met me they're little creeps um but no like yeah like those little weirdos who are like yeah but i just want like like i don't't know. I want someone to appreciate my body, but also not to make the biggest deal about it because I don't think that's how I treat men. Like, I just like a man, and I don't want any one part of me being singled out as like the thing. Fair.

Like, I just want to be like, oh, yeah, I think you're attractive. I like you, and I don't want anyone to make a huge deal about everything else. Because I don't want to make a big deal about my body anymore. I just want to live. And like, I don't want to have to think about it all the time. So, but yeah, it is harder for women who are bigger because the world tells us that if you like us, you get to write a think piece and everyone gets to be like,

I love my curvy wife. Like, what a dick. What an asshole. What a treat. dick oh what a treat what did that was such a treat because that woman wasn't fat well even if she was like congratulations for wanting a medal for liking your big fat wife what if someone replaced fat with any other thing i love my asian wife like that's a crazy i love my my Indian wife I know a lot of people don't like someone from Russia But I love my Russian wife

Oh that's very funny Yeah I love all of her Russian family It's like a crazy thing to do Because he doesn't talk about I don't know it's just like yeah you should love your wife Yeah you married her You dummy Anyway so it's hard for us fat girls

Because I'd say like 90 of culture is like i'm not supposed to like you and then someone will secretly like us and then i don't know and then when you're dealing with a small segment society a society who will take you as you are it's just not as many options for do you like them i feel like i've been liked by a lot of men who just wouldn't date me because of my size. And I had one guy, I don't know if I've mentioned on the podcast before, but he would, we worked together and then he left the job and then I left the job. But then we like kept texting because we were friends. And every couple months he'd be like, how's the gym?

And I'd be like, good. And he'd be like, have you lost weight? And I'd be like, no. And then the text would stop. And then they would start again like in another couple months. And he'd be like good and he'd be like have you lost weight and I'd be like no and then the text would stop and then they would start again like in another couple months and he'd be like how's the gym have you lost any weight and then sometimes they'd be like yeah and he'd be like well we should meet up and then we would like meet up and he'd be like well like how hard are you going and I was like oh I think he's waiting for like I think he's waiting to see me thinner and then he would be like now we can date oh thank you it was a very weird thing and it goes right back to my daddy issue you know that's the fucking thing

whenever you are fat then people can all of a sudden throw all their fat all their body issues onto you and it's just like too much i'm just and I also get like sick of people saying that I feel fat. Like you can feel fat. It's like, what if I was like, I feel dyslexic. I feel dyslexic. I feel illiterate. Yeah, I feel like I have cerebral palsy. Like that's a crazy thing to say.

It's not the same thing because we can choose to be fat. But like, but not really. Once you're like a certain age, you're like, well, I guess I've been fat every day. It's kind of true. I don't know. Like I could change it, but also like, like people, I don't know. It's just like a weird thing to like, uh, and it, and I'm trying to navigate it my own way.

And, and it's hard to do that and like be comfortable and date and like get naked. Although, you know, you're not comfortable naked. Oh, I'm totally comfortable naked. Not in front of friends and family. Me either. But in a dude i'm like you're fucking lucky to see these nasty little titties yeah you are so lucky to find my clit move that fat back i just gotta say that as far as like i'm a very analytical person and have a lot of like what rules i apply to who i like and who i won't like and what i want to do dating but the second that the animal brain takes over the part that me that like wants to have sex a lot of like what rules I apply to who I like and who I won't like and what I want to do dating. But the second that the animal brain takes over the part of me that like wants to have sex,

when animal clicks on, Marcy goes away. Not like that I disassociate, but that I have barely any inhibitions. And which is like sort of surprising since I have so many in other ways. I used to be very, very self-conscious about this body. I found, so I've been moving stuff from my storage unit in New Jersey to LA because I'm never moving back to the East Coast, I don't think. And I found a bunch of pictures from high school, and there was this one picture where I'm in a pool fully clothed. And I was like, oh my God, I wish I could go back in time and be like,

just show your titties. Just like let it hang out. Also, you will get fatter. This is, you're like thin now. Girl, enjoy this time. Enjoy it. You look good. And then I like thought back to like

how many times I had sex in my early 20s where I just wouldn't take off my bra because I was like, I hate these nasty little titties. Also, television was confusing you and sometimes on Sex and the City they would show you characters having sex with a bra and so you're like well maybe some people do it. Yeah. And you don't know it's a nudity clause and that's

why they're not showing them titties. Maybe if you're in a rush you might do that. But now I'm just like whatever. Suck on it. You better find this nipple up under this titty flip it out and put it in your mouth. People are like, her body is awful. Whatever.

I showed you my breasts, and you were supposed to show me yours, and you wouldn't. Tricked you. I've done that to a lot of people. You were like, show me them titties. I was like, all right, fine. I did it to Allison Rich. Great titties. Allison, she'd be happy to hear that. She got such a nice body well you didn't say anything

about mine thanks a lot uh you have nice nice big ones i mean they're giants baby i'd love to sleep in your titties i mean that's why babies love me babies like me but i think it's because i look like a cartoon no well you're funny You're funny. You talk to them. I also think I look. You don't think I look a little cartoonish? Come on. I guess you look like you could be a Muppet. Okay, Marcy, I have a question.

Huh. Okay, so if we were in a scenario where we could date, would you date me? Why won't you date me? I've thought about this. Also, we did pass up the time that we've not hooked up oh yeah yeah we have not hooked up but we've never made out we've slept in beds together yes very you i think were the first person to tell me that i now moan in my sleep instead of snoring and you've been through the progression of my sleeping yes because i used to snore a lot

very loudly and that would keep you awake and now i've moved on to moaning yes i love it um also but once you did booty text me i booty texted you yes i'd like this is back when i lived when we first got to know each other like the first year you were in la did i say can i come over and make out with you you just were like yeah i think you're like can i marcy what are you doing wake up can i come over and then in the morning i text you back and i was like was this a booty text you like yeah and you missed your shot here's a fun fact people always have wild stories that i don't remember about me well and i was just like that's not what you do with friends you silly goose you can make out with a lot of people but you can't do it with your buddies make out no i'm too weird i'll be weird forever afterwards oh come on um so why why won't i date

why so would i and why won't i so i can tell you up front absolutely not and part of it is because there are some people in your life that you want to date and there's some people in your life that you need to keep forever and you're a keep forever so i wouldn't fuck around with like dating you because we'll be forever um also i don't think you like me that much in that way so i wouldn't even but that's the biggest thing i like thinking about it because they kind of have this like and this is my own insecurity issues that like i really need in a partner to feel special in some way i need to feel i can't give that to you yeah i need to feel like someone really chooses me and that they're choosing me over other people and like i like even with like my best friend from high school like i would say like we're just best

friends but we are also each other's number one and i like would never question that for a second about how she feels about me that she thinks I'm one of the most like maybe the most special besides her children I think I might beat her husband I don't know we'll see uh but you know she loves her husband but like I we're we're like that and I want that in a partner um and I don't I don't think you I think I not that you couldn't give it to someone I I could, but I have a lot of walls up. And me breaking that wall down to be like, you are special and you mean so much to me. And I need to like tell you every day as affirmation.

Not even that. It's mostly just that like, yeah. Or like gifts. Like there's different ways you can show it. And I think I don't do that to people because I'm like, if I let you know that you mean a lot to me when you're gone, I'm just going to be hurt that much more. Yeah, I think that is the vulnerability thing that you're working on. Yes. I'm trying so hard.

The idea that you can actually need someone. And so I need that feeling. And I think that you have made it very clear you just want someone to date you and that that whole someone part is a problem for me I'd almost want someone who's like I like took a vow of celibacy and I'd break it for you that's my idea like I'm like that man who's like uh I can't I can't help it with you I have to be with you more so than someone who's like I'm playing my numbers and I guess you'll do I will say this now I think I'm in a zone where I want someone special and I don't just want anyone because I mentioned it before I'm cleaning out my storage unit in Jersey and I have a lot of my parents belongings in there and I was just like reading letters that my dad wrote to my

mom and just a lot of stuff and I was like oh like they really loved each other and like waited for each other because she was in Chicago and he was in Jersey for a while and they just wrote letters back and forth and I was like how special like how so special to love someone so much that you're going to take time out of your day to write them anything and then go send it via the post office and then wait for them to get it and wait for them to. It's like a whole process and you spend days thinking about this person. And I was like, I want something special and romantic like that because I truly think that like my parents they fought a lot but they truly were each other's other half like yeah they loved each other fiercely and when my mom died I think my dad we all like me and my sister think he died of like a broken heart because he just waited for my sister to graduate college and then truly died a month to the day that she graduated.

And, like, the way he left the house. Like, I started thinking about all this stuff. Like, my mom's stuff didn't get cleaned out of her room. Her bathroom remained untouched. She would, like, dust it. But, like, the way she left her toothpaste was left. There was a wreath on our door. She died in october so it was a fall wreath

because my mother loved decorations and michael's was her favorite store and my uncle was trying to take the wreath down my dad was like bonnie put that up there she would want it to be up there and it was like you know she would have changed it for the season but that fall wreath stayed up there until he died it's really interesting just like hearing you say this and like knowing because I have insight into Nicole's life because we were friends. And that you don't like to like celebrate things and you don't. But I think that's all not not 100 percent intertwined. But I think it's connected. I also think it's connected in therapy.

Yeah. she was like celebrate little nicole would be so sad to see big nicole not doing the things that she used to do with her mom yeah and i and i think about like letting people in and i think like you know also like you know like what i did in a cool one day that like has all that stuff together i maybe i think that's a possibility although i think we would really just get it on each other's nerves. I think so too. I think we would argue until we die. Yeah.

But that's what you want. I know you. I don't do well with that though. I don't do well with arguing with a mate. Oh. I shut off when I'm upset. Yeah. I shut down when I'm upset.

So I kind of need someone who's a little sensitive to that and can, like, you know. But what else? And then also, like, yeah, you have a lot of things that, well, I'm attracted to men primarily. But, you know, who knows what ever could happen. But a lot of things that scare me about men are things that are your primary, like, characteristics. Yeah, baby. Like, I don't like people who are very sexually aggressive immediately. give me that dick it like makes me want to yeah uh mace people so like i think that there's a way but also like i also think for you

i think someone's gonna know you a little better than just be a stranger and be like, I want to try a taste of that. I think someone's going to have a very good understanding of you. And they're going to be like, all right, quit fucking around, Nicole. It would be nice to date someone who already kind of knows me. Yeah. Also, like someone who actually knows me, knows me and knows that I'm kind of broken. Everyone's. Coming into the relationship.

Everyone's sort of, like, you know, in that Toni Morrison book, it's like children are glass vases. And some of them have cracks and some of them are shattered. Oh, wow. That's deep. But all of them have damage. Mm-hmm. We just are. Like, and that's the thing uh but i don't think you're a shattered person i don't think i'm shattered either but i do think there's

a lot of cracks also you've put together the pieces incorrectly i think that's a lot around all fucked up i i really do think that a lot of it is like some like later childhood trauma that was when you re reattach the wires you kind of did it in a strange way to like protect yourself yeah well i also have adhd so like i wasn't paying attention when i was putting myself together yes i do too i do too i do too i tell you what taking care of mental health is a really good way i've been trying me too uh it's a great thing to do for yourself yeah it's uh but it is like interesting to like grapple with a lot of things you're like oh okay so this is wrong oh you also might be bipolar and

you're like okay but you know what the thing is the brain is not who you are it's an organ that processes all the things you think all the things you see and hear and think but it's not who you are your brain's not who you are. Your brain's not who you are. It's an organ and it can malfunction like your liver can. So if you can get it working right, and then through therapy, like work on, I don't know,

like you are one of the most special people that the world has ever seen. Oh, Marcy, thank you. And then you give time and attention to the most basic men. So I don't know. I think it's not on your app that you're going to find him. And I think

you're going to find someone who can handle it. You're going to find a Stedman. I need a Stedman! Because think about it. Who would just be like, I'll give Oprah a try. I think she seems so scary and intimidating. But she's also one of the best fucking people. Not that you're exactly like Oprah.

I'm exactly like Oprah. But she found also one of the best fucking people. Not that you're exactly like Oprah. I'm exactly like Oprah. But she found a man that was like, I'll be happy to hold your purse while you and Gail go off. Ugh, that's what I need. I need a Stedman. Yeah. Ugh, that would be just, yeah. It would be nice to have a man who is not scared of me and like what i'm going to do and someone who has

their a whole life yes as someone who can like i can leave you for a weekend and you're not going to be like where are you yeah like i could see you with like someone who's a little older than you yeah like a give me a daddy a 50 year old man yes daddy yeah i. Yeah. I don't know, but, uh, yeah, I wouldn't date you. I'll keep you forever instead. Thank you. I'll get rid of the people I date. Um,

so we've come to the end of this. This was easy breezy, huh? It was easy breezy, beautiful cover girl. So do you have anything that you want to promote? Yes, you know,

I do. Tell me about it. On this very network. I have a podcast called a funny feeling with betsy sadaro you were just on it we get celebrities and comedians to tell us their paranormal experiences then we listen to yours as well and then i also have another podcast called gardish in it with jessica jean jordan and we talk about the Kardashians and we love them unapologetically. I mean, I truly love the Kardashians. I turned you on to Kim.

You did. I was not about them. You were very anti-Kim. I was like, whatever, Kardashians. You used to always say, I can't with Kim K. I remember you saying, I can't with Kim K. I couldn't. I couldn't get to it.

I wasn't here for it. But now I am very much here for Kim Kardashian. And all that she does. The whole family is a treat. Kris Jenner is very funny. Caitlyn, you can't write a better villain than Caitlyn. Caitlyn's a bad one. It's insane. She's a bad potato. Like truly, if someone were to

present the story arcs of multiple seasons of a scripted television show, your showrunner would be like this is insane. Isn't it though very interesting that a lot of Caitlyn's behaviors behaviors have always been the same but when caitlin was bruce we kind of felt sorry that yes and that tells you a lot about internalized misogyny yeah because you're like well we feel bad for this man who's being terrible and then he turns into a woman you're like this woman yeah once this woman has agency over her body and what her future is and you're

like what a bitch or not turns into a woman bruce always i know but you know but once visually before the people turns and then they're like what a bitch also she did kill somebody let's not forget that she did she's a murderer manslaughter loves a murderer oh jay oh girl you're getting into it so yeah that stuff and then just come see nicole and. We're always doing something silly. We perform together live at the UCB Theater in LA, Sundays at 11 p.m. It's very fun. I will be there. I wasn't there for a while because I was filming, but I'm there for a while.

Also, watch me on Loosely Exactly, Nicole. Marcy is on an episode. I play a mean little fatty named Marcy. It's very funny. We wrote it for her. Yes. Marcy is on an episode. Little fatty. It's very funny. We wrote it for her. Yeah, it's great. Marcy is great. You should just follow her on Instagram.

Follow her on Twitter. It's Marcy Lane. It's Marcy Lane on Twitter and then Marcy Lane, too, on Instagram. Some other bitch. Some other dumpster bitch. And if you like Why Won't You Date Me? please subscribe,

subscribe, subscribe, subscribe, follow it. Rate it. Rate it five stars. Leave me a little message. You can say things like,

this is on Tinder though, this man Gabriel said, I want to fuck that fucking big ass. Oh my God, Tinder, though. This man, Gabriel, said, I want to fuck that fucking big ass. Oh, my God. Call the cops. Nick said, I like your fat ass. This man said, ooh, dang.

That's a big dildo. I want to put it in me, which is crazy. So, Bilazzi said, hello, fat ass. That's mean then he said excuse my language but I consider it a compliment um or you could be like Joe and say

damn your lips are gorgeous which is very nice and I do have great juicy lips that I want to attach to your butthole thank you my friend human centipede you, please. Oh, baby, let me get in your butt. Thank you for listening.

Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.