Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Meeting Singles in the Wild (w/ Franchesca Ramsey)

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

Comedian Franchesca Ramsey (iCarly) joins Nicole to discuss what she's learned after going through an expensive divorce, finding singles in the wild, queer speed dating, and how dogs can sense when the end of a relationship is coming. Nicole tries to flirt with an older man on a bike.Check out Franchesca's new podcast, Black History, For Real.Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where Mina Kulbaya was trying to figure out why I'm still single, but nobody really fucking knows and it's been sad. Anyway, my guest today is a comedian, actress, and activist who wrote and co-produced the new iCarly reboot. She hosts the podcast Let Me Fix Fix It, and the new show,

Black History for Real, now streaming on Wondery. I'm so excited she's here today. It's Francesca Ramsey. Yay. Thanks for having me. Queen of podcasts. I don't know how you keep all of these podcasts clear. Literally, when I got my second or my third podcast job, I was like, am I Nicole Byer because now I have too many shows I don't know how you do it um you know it is it is interesting it's just like it's a real feat of scheduling like when I used to do everything in person that was much harder than it is now yeah shout, shout out to being able to remote record. I mean, it really makes a big difference. Okay, so let's just like get into it. I know you were once married. Yes, I'm a

divorcee. Diverse? What made you fall in love with your former partner? And how long were you together? Oh, okay. So I was married for six years but I was with my ex for 13 years which is wild I know like that's almost all of my 20s and a big chunk of my 30s we went to high school together we weren't friends in high school but we had a lot of mutual friends um and I think that was the thing that like really bonded us when we like first reconnected is that like we really liked each other as people. All of this is being said in the past tense. I love that distinction.

This is the past tense. Feelings are different now. Shout out to therapy. Well, here's what's really funny, Nicole. You asked me to be on the show. I think it was like literally I had been divorced like not even a month. For 30 seconds. I was like, come on the show.

Talk about it. You were like, do it. And I was like, I don't think I'm ready. You were like, it'll be great. It'll be fun. And I was like, Nicole, that's my Nicole Byer impression. I like it. It was very good.

I was like, I'm not ready for this. And then the last time we tried to do this was the week the pandemic started. Do you remember? We were like, I don't know. There's like a virus or something. Maybe we should postpone. Maybe we shouldn't do this. Yeah. So you're getting like the very therapized version of me that, you know, can be very mature when talking about my ex-husband

and my relationship. And, and we really did have a solid friendship at the beginning. But I think what I now realize as somebody that like, you know, I'm dating, but not very seriously, is that like, you have to really know, you and your partner have to be very aligned on what you want and where you're going. And the reality is that that can change over the course of a relationship. And I'm just not the same person I was at 23 when we started dating. And that doesn't mean that he's a bad person or the relationship was bad. It just wasn't the right thing for us anymore. No, that makes sense.

Who proposed to who? He proposed to me. here's the thing do you have you heard this whole stigma around women proposing i don't have any yes like significant feelings about it but people will be like get off your knees bitch love yourself i have why well i don't get it i don't get it either because i'm like, if she is so moved to propose to this person, like, why not? And people hate it. People are so mean. Oh, I've seen so many memes that are like, if my friend invited me to a party and then they proposed to their man, I would slap her in the face.

I'm like oh okay if i proposed to someone and they slapped me in the face i'd be like wait what that's not how it's supposed to what i'd just be so fucking confused the man you're proposing to is like have some self-respect it's like i thought i was i thought i was uh pushing the needle a little bit being a little progressive do you okay you've been single since 2019 2019 yeah how has it been being a single woman through a pandemic a newly single woman through a pandemic and and i'm sure you didn't do dating apps before this. No, I never did dating apps. It was so wild. I got divorced in 2019.

And then I had a solid seven months of hodom before the world shut down. That's nice that you had it. You know, I was in those streets. And I'm so curious. I know that you've been on dating apps. And I was like, I couldn't believe that you been on dating apps and I was like I couldn't believe that you were on dating apps because I would get recognized sometimes and my accounts were getting banned for like catfishing and shit and I was like no this is really me it was very strange

um so dating during the pandemic was interesting I dated um I dated a guy for like eight-ish months and I think that's the last time you and I caught up, like personally, like you and me. I think we went to like dinner or something. I was still dating him. And that was good. And then, you know, I dated like on and off. I deleted my dating apps a year and a half ago.

I just feel like it's so hard to get to know someone via text. And I would rather meet in person and my hope is that you've come through my friends which is kind of like a natural filter because I've got some weirdos via dating apps and and enough like I got one that kind of not scared me but made me be like I don't want to do this again where she like followed me on Instagram and then I really thought we were connecting but she just followed me on Instagram so she was like saying she liked all the same things as me wait how did you figure out that she was just saying she liked the same things as you and didn't genuinely like them well I mean to be fair she might have genuinely liked them what was a red flag to me is that when

i saw that she was following me on instagram and i mentioned it to her i was like oh i saw you're following my instagram and she was like oh i don't even remember and i was like oh that's it was kind of strange that was weird and then on our second date, she brought relationship cards on the date where it was like these very intense questions about like sex and boundaries and goals and like, look into my eyes and tell me like three things you think that, you know, would change my life. And I was like, bitch, I don't even know your last name. Like what? And then when I told her like, Hey, this is a little intense and weird. I was like, this is a lot for me. And then she was like, no, no, no. I, I'm sorry. I came on so strong. Like, I really want us to figure this out. And she kept like

pushing me to give her more insight into why I wanted to end things. And so I said, you know, if I, if I'm being totally honest the relationship cards was definitely a strike but like you following me on Instagram and then kind of like not being honest about it was weird and her response was along the lines of I've lived in LA my whole life and I've been around a lot of famous people and I'm like not even phased by fame and like you're not even that big of a deal okay wait that's it that's so wild that you didn't you didn't say anything about your career or anything about no a person of note nicole and i tried so hard to end things like nicely i was like you seem really lovely i just

don't really know if this is going to be a fit and she was the one that kept being like no no no can we get on the phone and talk about this and i was like this is two dates two dates and like and like the relationship cards were so weird and like i remember this was close to the holidays and i mentioned that my mom was coming to visit for the holidays and she said oh what are you guys going to do? And I said, mom, not really sure. And she goes, well, you know, my family has like a big like Christmas party. You should come. And I was like, you're inviting me and my mother to a Christmas party?

I don't. After two dates. It was truly like the most lesbian stereotype ever. Just like full U-hauling. More than a U-haul. She wants to combine families. That's wild. She was like, please put me as your next of kin.

I'm also on the kidney donor transplant list. It was just so, it was really intense. But I found her i met her through hinge and i was just like it just put a bad taste in my mouth i mean i could imagine yeah i yeah started this year i stopped paying for the apps and then yesterday i truly opened tinder and started to cry and i was like like, you know, what are we doing? If it's making you sad and eliciting this, like I literally had to get in the shower. I was like, well, my face is wet.

Might as well wet the rest of my body. And I just think you're too fake. I think you personally, Nicole, are too famous for dating apps. You don't think that? Nope. Sure don't think that nope sure don't i my demographic is not men and i tend to date men who like women for the most part um i do explore i i don't consider myself straight in 2024 if you're straight you're embarrassing wait how do you meet people in person you

mentioned that a while ago how are you meeting these people in person? I don't know how to start. Mostly it's been meeting people through friends. I will say I went to a queer speed dating at the end of the year. And I did meet a girl. We have yet to have a first date. We've been trying to coordinate our schedules, which, as you know, is a whole other thing. It's like you try to set a date, and then suddenly it's been three months of being like, sorry, I can't do that date. I'm going out of town now. Sorry, I can't do this date, blah, blah, blah. I did get set up by a

friend once and I went on three very lovely dates with a woman who after a third date sent me a message and said like, this is too soon she had gone through like a bad breakup and she was like i don't think i'm ready which was you know a bummer but also like the mature version of me was like oh now i want you more like you're so good at communicating but here's the thing if you're not ready to date why are you dating mama why are you dating why are you out here i've like gone on dates with people and like it's progressed and they're like I don't know if I want a relationship and I'm like then why are you on the apps why are you dating why are you having fun and then you made a mistake of liking

me what what is this okay I can't say for certain that this was this girl's specific thing but I have encountered this before and And I think what happens is somebody is recovering from a breakup and they just need the ego boost of like, I'm still fuckable. So they go on the apps and they're like, who will fuck me? And then they're like, oh shit, we match now. I guess I have to go through with this. And then they realize I'm still not over this last person. I'm, you know, whatever. And again, like, this is a therapized version of me. I get it. We're all human.

But it is really annoying when you're like, oh, I really like this person. And for me, I'm like, I'm busy. I moved around my schedule for you. And I could have stayed my ass at home. Before the pandemic, I truly would truly would like fly back from places i would like leave at 5 a.m so i could get there by like six so i could take a shower so i could go on a date with somebody i know i know that's so shitty and i like when people are like you just have to put yourself out there you just have to work a

and I was like I'm moving mountains I've moved I've moved meeting I just I I'll fly back for one day to go see somebody and then leave again and I'm like I feel like I'm doing the work why is none of this working out I mean the last person I met in person was a man riding his bike when I was walking my dog yesterday and I was wearing a... And did he holler at you? So, okay, he was an older man. Very old. Like, so old.

And I was walking my dog... Okay, and he was still riding a bike, which means, you know, he's taking his calcium pills. You know, like, he... Osteoporosis. Working on the fitness. Has not come for him. I love this. Okay.

We made eye contact. And I was wearing like a belly shirt or whatever and like leggings. And we made eye contact and I like nodded my head as black people do to other black people. And white people don't really do at all. And he didn't nod his head. And I was like, okay, weird. And then he rang his bell at me. And I went, hi. And then he just rang his bell at me and i was like what is that and then i like turned around and looked at him and he was like breaking his neck on this bike to look at me

and i was like well i mean age ain't nothing but number you wanna you wanna come talk to me okay what was he here's the thing like just because you're an older man doesn't mean you're not still attractive. I mean, some dudes, it's like, you're good looking, you're good looking till you go in the grave. Was he good looking? Well, you hesitated. No, he wasn't.

No. No, not really. No, Nicole. He kind of looked like Christopher Lloyd inopher lloyd and um and back to the future no no that's that's bad that's terrible but i was like at least you have that wispy white hair that i could like hold on to if you eat me out no no no no absolutely not well i mean well you tell me how did it go? Well, he didn't stop his bike.

So I was like, I guess I'm not worth it. And then I was, then I got sad. And then I was like. Maybe he was like, maybe he's like, isn't that that bitch from Wipeout? Wing, wing, wing. I seen that bitch on my TV. Ring-a-ling-ling.

Ring-a-ling-ling. That was what it was. You were misinterpreting the bell rings. I guess so. I don't know. I just, I keep thinking, I'm like, maybe I'll start going to like a specific bar once a week and like get to know the bartenders and tell them I'm on the prowl so they can like play matchmake. Is that like, am I like living in a movie?

Yeah. I mean, I think here's the thing that's difficult for you and I. I think when it comes to through friends, especially if you want to date straight men, we know a lot of gays. I know. And everybody in our circle, a lot of people in our circle are like married and have kids. They don't really know single people. They don't know anybody. They don't know any single people.

You need to go to like mixer specific type things, like things that are made for dating specifically. So you know that other people that are single because unfortunately what ends up happening is you meet people at parties and then they mention that they have a partner and you're like, oh, great. Like finally somebody that I'm actually interested in or they're just, you know, you don't have the same preferences. Again, I've asked friends and I've had people connecting with people. connecting with people and I think because I'm like a late stage queer that is like appealing to some folks like as soon as people found out that I was like no longer identity it's true like people will be like wait a second you date women and then they're I can see the gears turning they're like oh I have so many people I would recommend for you and I'm like okay yeah let's you know I feel like dating women might just be easier. There just seems to be more quality women.

I will say it's not easier. It's not easier. It's easier in different ways. Like you don't play the same. In my experience, I feel like a lot of cishet men play those games where like, they don't want to let you know that they like you like they don't want to seem too eager and it's like always hard to get a hold on like you're like i've been fucking this person for a month do they like me i don't know like it's just like very strange whereas like in my experience women are on the opposite end of the spectrum where they are like in it to win it and that can be for me, like because I'm divorced and I don't really see myself getting married again. I don't want to live with another partner anytime soon.

For a lot of women, I found that that's like a deal breaker where they're like, why am I doing this? And I'm like, I don't know, just have fun. They're like, I want to get married. I want to have a baby. That's not my story. I don i want to get married i would have a baby i'm like that's not my story i don't want to get married i've like i used to want to get married i used to want to have like a big wedding where i'd made all my male friends dress in drag and have a dumb big time but now i'm just like meh i don't need a wedding i just need a partner who's like we're in this together and i definitely don't want a child and I feel like a lot of people I've dated are like no no I definitely want a kid and

I'm like for what you want yeah you can't just leave whenever you want why do you want a kid why why do you want this thing that tethers you you know I'm it's so funny because like you know I always think about the fact that people oftentimes have kids with people that are terrible potential parents and I always would think like oh why do people do that and then I think back to like when my marriage was dissolving my hormones were like maybe you should have a baby that'll fix it and like I know I know I literally was like bargaining with my ex-husband i was like maybe maybe a kid again thank god i didn't do it but my my maternal instinct like the clock literally started ticking and i think that that happens to a lot of people that they

reach a certain age and like the societal pressure but then also your hormones start telling you. Like I remember being on the train and seeing a baby and crying and just being like, baby. I mean, that happens to me, but there is some logical thing in my brain that like stops it from going any further than that. I'll see a baby and I'll be like, and if I know the person, I'll be like,

hello, I just need to hold your baby. I've made friend dates where purely just to go to their house to hold their baby and I make it very clear. I'm like, I miss you. I haven't seen you in a while. But I just want to hold your baby. And then I get what I need from that baby

and I'm good for a couple months. And then I was dating someone for a little bit and they would talk about having a baby with me and like how good of a mom I was gonna be and we had stopped using condoms at that point so I was like Nicole it would be great to have a baby so then immediately went out and got birth control like got a rod shoved in my arm because i was like i can't have it like something in my brain goes yes okay how do we stop it you know what i mean like when i heard that plan b had a weight limit i was like well how do i what do i get so i like went and found ella you're like do i do two do i do two three four how many boxes of plan

b does one need? But yeah, like there's just something in my brain that like will not let it get past a hormonal thing. I'm like in my house with my wallpaper? No. I know. I know. I have fully committed to like I'm in my stepmom era. Like I love the idea of being like, you know,

present in a kid's life and get to do all the cool things. Like, yeah, you can borrow my leather jacket. Like, no, you should, you know, change majors. A two-year-old in a leather jacket? It's not a two-year-old. I know for whatever reason that's what I immediately went to. No, I'm dating someone with like a 15-year-old. You know what I mean?

And they're like, and they're talking about college and I'm there to be like, yeah, you can change majors, like whatever, you know, and I'm the person that when their parent is being shitty, I can give them like the true like perspective. I can be like, listen, I know you don't want to hear this, but your mom is right. Like, I feel like that's who I'm supposed to be or you know i'm like hey i know y'all are drinking in here give me the keys that's like where i feel like i will be beneficial to a kid i don't want to do like all the hard shit and i don't actually want to like you know deal with a baby and like the hormonal changes and and oh you know the other thing that also solidified it for me i have a big foot I wear a size 11 when I heard that your feet can get bigger your foot can get bigger during pregnancy I was like no

we're at the end I'm an 11 too sometimes a fucking 12 oh no no no I have curated my closet I have a great collection of 11s I'm not going to 12 I'm not doing it that's horrifying 12s are hard they're hard to fucking find cute shoes in a 12 and yeah i'm an 11 or a 12 and it's

debilitating sometimes um that's wild but i just here's the thing i love babies once it starts talking really throw it in the trash. Oh, no. I like, I was about to say the talking stage, and I was like, that's dating. The rest of their life. No, I like when they get to the stage

where they have like a personality and they can tell you. And also they can wipe their own ass. That's what I'm really about. I don't want to do. That is nice. I don't want to do that other stuff and this is no shade to parents love y'all down i'm shading you i don't give it you

made a weird choice no i well when i was thinking about having a kid i think the thing i was really excited about was being able to like see a little person that like looks like me and has like my personality traits but then i hear from all my friends that your kids come out with all the traits that you like hate in your partner like they'll just do all the annoying shit that's like oh your fucking father that's very funny i think one of my gay friends is going to need eggs. And I think that's what I'm going to do. I think I'm going to like give my eggs to somebody so I can like see a little me, play with a little me and then be like, little me, get out of my life. Yeah, I think that's the best of both worlds. I love that for you.

Right? I think that'd be really fun. Yeah, I not that you needed my approval, but I think you should. Thank you so much for your approval real quick we have to take a break we're back okay so you have been asking friends for like, you know, recommendations on who you should date and whatnot. Recommendations. Oh, my God. Who am I?

I'd like to see a resume. Three references. But I feel like every time I ask friends, they're like, I have a couple of friends, but they're all trash. I asked Michelle Buteau when I was in Amsterdam. I was like, tell Heiss that like I'm looking. He's got friends here. Let's make it happen. And what did she say?

She was like, I'll try. And then suddenly we're back in the States and nothing happened. I was like, girl, you didn't try that hard. Yeah. I mean, I think with Michelle, you're going to encounter the same thing of like a lot of people who are married and have kids. Like I feel like all of Heis' friends, you know, again,

and it's just like the stage of life we're at. If we were in college, we would know more single people, but everybody's wifed up, hubbied up, kid up. I don't, that one didn't work,

but you get it. No, I got it. I liked it. Kid up. Yeah. It's just, God,

it's like almost 40. I'm almost 40. I just turned 40 Keyed up. Yeah, it's just, God, it's like almost 40. I'm almost 40. I just turned 40, girl. Congratulations. Thank you. It's wonderful over here, but yeah, you do start feeling like, holy shit, I'm like a full-blown adult. Yeah, like a real, real woman.

You can't be like, oh my God, 30 and flirty. You're like, 40 and yeah fighting my best friend calls this the back 40 as in like this is this is the we're in the home stretch do you manifest relationship shit oh that's a good question. No, I mean, right now I'm in such a, because I was married and I was in a monogamous relationship for so long, I'm very much in my like non-monogamy era

where I'm like open to dating multiple people at one time. My ideal situation would be to date. But wait, real quick, sorry to interrupt. How do you keep everybody, how do you keep everybody how do you keep track of everybody if you're dating multiple people at once I don't calendar calendar I everything is on the calendar and I for me I really only usually date like two people at a time maybe three two is like my max um and so for that reason I think one of the things I love about non-monogamy is it's very much like accepting people for who they are and where they are in their lives. Like you're not trying to make anybody anything that they're not because you're just like, oh, you're the partner that likes X, Y, and Z. Cool. My other partner likes this thing and that's what I get from them. That's what I get from them.

So for that reason, I'm not really like, I want to partner with bets like this. If I meet somebody and I like them, I'm like, cool, I'm into this. And if there are things I don't like love, I'm like, that's fine. That's okay. Like, you're not my everything. I see you like once a week, twice a week, and that's it. And I'll get those things from somebody else at another time. I feel like you're evolved and it's really annoying. Because I don't.

To be fair, it took me a long time to get here. It took me a long time to get here. I was not always this person. But I also think it just fits my lifestyle, my personality. And like I especially, you know, one thing that my ex-husband and I like bumped heads on is like the weekend would come up and I'd be like what are you doing this weekend and he'd be like what what are we doing and I was like oh no I have plans I'm doing this this this like I just always had like such an active life and I know that for a lot of people, when you get married, like your life

is supposed to be about like you and your partner at all times. And that just wasn't, that just wasn't me. And so like, I realized like, oh, I don't really like, that's very much a traditional monogamy thing. Like we're in a relationship. So now like all of our friends become friends and like we do everything together. And like we and for me, I'm like, I don't need like I can have my own day by myself. Like I want to sit quietly reading a book or like doing crafts or, you know, whatever it is. I don't need to be attached at the hip to someone. And it's taken me time to realize like, oh, that's just that's just who I am. And I'm going to stop trying to like fit into that box because I just end up disappointing partners. They're like, you don't

text me enough. And I'm like, yeah, I, I have work. Like I can't text all day, but like for some people, when you get in a relationship, like that's what it is. It's like, we must text every morning. We must, how are you? Good morning. beautiful. And like, I'm just not like that. Interesting. I do like a good morning text because it means you thought of me in the morning. I just think it's a nice way to start the day. And then I think like a afternoon,

how's your day going as lovely? And then like a nice good night. I don't subscribe to like we do everything together. And I don't subscribe to like melding friend groups unless it's like one from here or two from here or like these people will be great at this. And I don't subscribe to like doing everything together. Like I would like my partner to have their own friends.

And it's like Friday night. What are we doing? Well, I'm going to go over here and watch Drag Race. And I'm going to go over here and play Dungeons and Dragons. And then maybe y'all come home together. Or you, you know, have a one day of the weekend that's just you and your partner day. I love that. But I've realized that for some people, that's just too radical for them.

And I don't know. I just have it kind of accepted like, oh, this is where I'm at in my life. And if I'm not partnered long term, I'm okay with that. I would really just love a little hotation where I can be like, oh, I want to get laid. Who's in the Rolodex? And then, you know what I mean? I would love that. Francesca, I feel like you're in such a good place

relationship-wise and love-wise, and I'm very jealous. I'm also in therapy. Oh my God. So I brought this book. I can't remember the name of it, but I was doing this book called Calling in the One, and then I got mad about it because I was like, why the fuck do I have to do a book and other people don't? So then I stopped this book. I can't remember the name of it, but I was doing this book called Calling in the One. And then I got mad about it because I was like,

why the fuck do I have to do a book and other people don't? So then I stopped doing it. I'm sure other people are doing it. No, I know. But like, they didn't make one book just for you. They didn't? Can you imagine pitching to your publisher?

You're like, I have a book idea, but it's only for Nicole Byer. For Nicole Byer. And we just have to print a million copies, but not sell it to anyone but Nicole Byer. um no I know other people are doing it but like if there's a hundred people 50 of those people haven't done this book and are in relationships and then 50 people have done it and two of them are in relationships so I'm like why am I doing this fucking book but then I found

this other book that was like dating in the tinder. And then it was another workbook that I had to do. And it just put me in such a bad mood. I was like, I've already done so much fucking work on myself. Let me put my work into action. So have you read books or anything? No, you probably haven't. Jesus fucking Christ. You're just out here being like, here's my vibe.

And everyone's like, I love it. Wow, I sound like a hater. No, no, no, no. I love this level of transparency. I know, I don't really like self-help books. That's not really my thing. But again, you know, I think if you had gone through a really hard divorce, you'd be in a very different place than you are right now. And so a large part of where I'm at comes from the fact that I was married for a long time. My divorce was really hard. This is my first time living alone as an adult, and I really, really enjoy it. And I'm really focused on my career.

I feel like I'm in a really good space creatively and professionally and i want to like focus on that and i don't want to spread myself too thin so like if i am dating someone like i have some prospects i'm very upfront about the fact that i'm like i'm a once a week kind of bitch right now and sometimes it might be once every two weeks because i have a lot of shit going on and i'm very much like what's your february look like what's your mark like i'm like planning a month out so and i'm not and i don't do last minute like if you say like hey what are you up to tonight i'm like not hanging out with you i have other things to do like i am going to the gym in the morning. But what if you're free that night? I don't work that way.

I don't. It's very, very rare that if you hit me up day of, but I'll say yes. Because sometimes even if I don't have plans, my plan is to have no plan. That's what I'm doing tonight is nothing. I don't want to go out tonight. So again, you know, again, this is a very therapized, don't compare yourself to where I'm at. This is, this is a hardened,

calloused divorcee. And I was, if you had, if we had done this in 2019, like right off my divorce, like I would have cried the whole time. I literally was like, I cannot do it. I was so like angry. I was seeing red. I remember my ex-husband's name is Patrick.

And I remember I was taking a flight and I was in first class and there was a little card on my seat that was like, your steward is Patrick. And I went, and I like ripped up the card. and I like ripped up the card I freaked the fuck out just seeing my ex's name I was that angry and that was me for like a long chunk of time like I just couldn't I just couldn't wrap my mind around like the way things had fallen apart and and I really had to just like make peace with the fact that like I needed to close that chapter and and so like my perspective on dating now is shaped by the fact that I'm like yeah I might just be single for the rest of like the conceivable future and just like you know go on a date here and there and and just keep it solo for for the next for the next foreseeable future. And I'm totally okay with that.

That's nice. I don't know if I'll get there without having some sort of like full length relationship where like both people are really in it. Because I'm always like, what could it be? What will it be like? Yeah. Real quick. We have to take a break. OK, this might be too personal, so you don't have to answer it. Go for it.

Do you ever like when you were married, did you ever imagine what your life would be like without him? And how do you love someone so much and then never speak to them again? Yeah, I mean, I never, I mean, I think the only people that think about the potential of a marriage ending are people who've been married before.

Like you're on your second marriage and or you're rich. People that are rich go into marriages thinking, if this goes south, you're not getting all my fucking money. So we need a prenup, right? So I went in bright-eyed and bushy-tailed like, yeah, we're doing this. As for not talking to each other, listen, our relationship did not end on good terms. I had to pay my ex-husband a settlement, a pretty hefty settlement. And I was really mad about it. And I told him point blank, I will pay you this money, but then I'll never

talk to you again. And he was like, no, you don't mean that. I said, no, I do. I really, I won't. Write you this check. And again, I'm at a place now where like I often joke my divorce was expensive because it was worth it I needed to do it. I needed to do it I was really mad about it for a long time and now i'm like, you know, I just I needed to do it to move on and like I made the money back pretty quickly and uh, yeah, you know, for me, I was like, if this is going to make you feel better about our relationship ending, then this is what I need to do to get this off

the get this off my shoulders. And so for me, that's why it was easy for me to be like, no, I'm not gonna talk to you again. And I was like, this is the trade off you made. Do he reach out to you at all? Or no? No, he's reached out to like mutual friends, which is kind of weird. But no, he has not reached out to me. He has told people that we're still friendly, which I think is strange. I guess he has to save face, which, you know, whatever. I hope they're probably like hearing the podcast like, what?

They're not friends? No, we're not friends. And again, I'm at a place where like I'm not angry about it anymore. I'm just like that was just part of my story and I just had to do it. And I'm not the first person to pay a settlement. I'm not the last. Like when I heard that like Kelly Clarkson had to pay a settlement, I was like, I don't have Kelly Clarkson money, but I was like, hey girl, I see you.

Mary J. Blige. You know? And then I was like, you know, Wendy Williams had a whole thing with her husband and people were like, why don't they just get divorced? And I thought, they're not getting a divorce because she doesn't want to pay a settlement. She doesn't want to pay a settlement.

And if you've been around a long time, the amount of money that you're entitled to goes up and up and up. And the longer your divorce stretches on, this is what I learned when I was getting divorced, the average divorce takes anywhere from two to three years. All the money that's accumulated in that time goes into the pot of marital funds.

So if you started the divorce paperwork at this amount of money, and then two years later you got more money, your soon-to-be ex-partner can say, I'm entitled to that. That's wild. When it was time for me, I was spiraling.

And my, it was like genuinely like so bougie. My accountants and my lawyer and my agents got on the phone and they were like for Jessica, you just got to do this. And I was like, no, I want to fight him.

And they were like, don't fight this. Cause then it just takes longer. And then you, it was right before the pandemic. it was right before the pandemic. It was right before the pandemic. And if we had waited, all the courts shut down. Because everybody was trying to get divorced during the pandemic because people were stuck with each other.

And it would have dragged on and on and on and on. So, again, it was hard. And this is why, again, when you say you don't want to get married, in my heart, I'm like, yeah, girl, Nicole, you got too much money. Don't do it. Well, if I ever did get married, I would definitely do a prenup. But I also simply if we both have health insurance and like we're OK that way, I don't see a need for it. Like I don't see a need for us to tie our finances. Yeah. It's really for like emergencies. Like God forbid something happened to one of you and you want to make sure that your partner can like make decisions on your behalf and see you in the hospital and stuff like that's what I would do. But yeah, I'm not trying to let anybody have any of my money. But then I'm like on the flip side, if I marry someone with a ton of money, I don't want a prenup.

Let me have it. Well, here's the thing. I've never had money. My parents don't have money. So I never thought about a prenup. And I now know that your prenup can have all sorts of stuff in it. And I only know this now because I've gotten a divorce. It doesn't have to solely be about finances.

But I could imagine that it's really hard to say to somebody, like, I'm super excited about us getting married. P.S. Can you sign this paperwork just in case it doesn't work out? I think that that might be a deal breaker for some people. And maybe that's the reason to say it, to see, like, are you really, you know, because if you think it's really going to work out, then you should be okay with signing a prenup. You have no worries because we're going to be together forever. So this is never going to come up.

We're not going to use this. But it's like, if we do get divorced, I also would have a prenup because it's like, if I was with somebody and we decided to have children and if they decided to not work and they're the primary caretaker of our children then i'm like okay you are entitled to some sort of i will keep up your lifestyle to a certain extent especially if i'm the sole provider for these people but then it's, there's no kids involved and you chose to not work and I was fine with it, but now we're not together. You're not entitled to anything because you chose that. I said, all right, but like, we're not together.

I love that fairy tale, but the reality is. I know, I know. The reality is that is not, that's not how the government sees it. You mentioned Wendy Williams and this is coming out in March. We're recording this in January. I miss Wendy specifically for this Megan Thee Stallion, Nicki Minaj feud because her,

she would have so much to say. She would have so much to say. It would be a hot topic for like a week straight. And I just like, I need someone to go and tell Wendy we need her back and that we can shoot on her terms in her living room if she wants I just I need it yeah I she would have so much to say I I have decided right in this moment that I as a as a big-footed woman I am reclaiming big foot can't use that as a slur against me. I have a big foot. I got a big foot too. And I got

a good foot. I twisted my ankle and it broke. So I know what Meg is going through. I'm not minimizing getting shot. I'm just kidding. You know, but as a big footed woman, I know that people try to come for us. Yes,

I've got a Steve madden box strapped to the top of my car because i have a big fucking foot and it won't fit in my little mini cooper if i ever saw somebody with a big ass steve madden shoebox strapped to the roof of their car i would honk and follow them and be like you're're iconic! You're fucking iconic! If you're in the Los Angeles area and you see a green Mini Cooper with a shoebox at the top, that's Francesca. That's me!

Francesca, we do have to wrap things up, but do you have any advice for the girlies out there who are just sad and single? Or maybe not sad and single single but like not feeling the best yeah i i hear you i mean i'm of the mind that like you're allowed to have bad days and i think that if you're not feeling great it's not worth it to try and rush yourself through the

feelings because they're just going to pop up at another time. You have to let yourself feel it. You have to go through it and do like the restorative stuff that's going to make you feel better. Order from your favorite restaurant, watch a movie, you know. Spend time with your friends. Invite your friends over to kind of like have a little cry session and order dinner and do all that cute stuff. Like you're allowed to wallow.

Give yourself a day. And then tomorrow you will tackle whatever's in front of you and move forward. But unfortunately you cannot rush. You can't rush the healing process. And I say that as somebody that tried, I tried really, really hard when I was going through my divorce every day. I was like, I have things to do. And it just doesn't work that way. through my divorce every day i was like i have things to do and it just doesn't work that way i i wish we spoke more during your divorce because you sound very funny ripping up cards that say the name patrick grumbling i got things to do i'm not paying this man it's honestly iconic and it's it's like it's like a Tyler Perry movie in the making just this angry woman

I mean if you ever I mean listen we are basically neighbors you live like right down the street from me I'm up for a role play session I'll be divorced Fran or mid-divorced Fran I'll come over

and I'll be like listen to what he did now it's like Nicole what'd you do today oh Franny came over and screamed at me and you liked it i asked for it we played mid-divorce that's what it's called can we play mid-divorce fran can you like talk to me about your dead dogs and and what you and

pat are fighting over yeah sure i'll tell you all about it dead dogs oh my god i didn't tell you this literally the day that my ex-husband was moving out okay one dog we had to put to sleep and then the other one we gave away because we were like we couldn't keep him and we donated him he was a boston terrier to a woman that like took care of elderly boston terriers we like drove out to new jersey we rented a car it was like we're in a fucking rom. We like drove out to New Jersey. We rented a car. It was like we're in a fucking rom-com. Like drove out there, gave him away to her like in a Cheesecake Factory parking lot. And then the next day she called us

and she was like crying. And I was like, what is she crying about? And she was like, Phil, he was in the backyard. He just fell over and died. He like, it was like he knew. He was like, oh, you guys are done. I'm out. Oh my God. He was in the backyard and he fell over he just fell over and died he just fell over and died totally healthy

i mean he was an elderly dog i think he was like 14 years old god yeah and the other one she had been having lots of health problems and it was like literally right when we said like this is over she was like all right i'm out and i genuinely feel like they knew they just they could tell they could feel it and i in in reality i felt like we knew the marriage was over for a while but like the dogs were kind of keeping us together because they were like our kids how wait how long did you know that it was over before it was like officially over? Oh, I would say, I would say that last year I, it had been bad for a minute, but like in 2018, I wrote a book and I was working on a show for a comedy central. And so I was traveling a lot and I was kind of using work as a way to like avoid

the realities of like my marriage not being great because I was like bye I have a speaking gig bye book stuff I gotta go like I was just never home and then like I would be home and I would be there for two seconds and then it was like if we were having a fight I'd be like I can't deal with this

I like I have you know I have to be at set tomorrow I'm gonna go to bed like I just can't deal with this. I like, I have, I have, you know, I have to be at set tomorrow. I'm going to get to bed. Like I just wasn't facing the facts of what was going on. So it was probably like a year and a half. And then, and then again, I do feel like with the dogs, it was like, oh, well, if we break up, like who gets which dog? We can't split them up. And like, you you know it's really hard taking care of dogs in new york but like when you have a partner you can kind of split the

duties and i was like oh god this is gonna be so hard and then again like r.i.p kaya and phil but like as soon as they were out i was like this is Guess I'm out too. Nothing tethering me to this man. Yeah. So it was genuinely like a Lifetime movie. A Tyler Perry movie. I was living it. It was a mess. A hot mess.

Wow. I love it. Franny, we've come to the end. Would you date me? I ask all my guests this. Wow. I don't know. You know what? I like all my guests this. Wow. I don't know. You know what? I like you as a friend so much that I wouldn't want to fuck up our friendship.

I feel like you would be fun to date. I feel like you'd be fun in bed. I feel like, but because I feel like you'd be like, you'd be making like weird voices and sounds. You'd be like, my pussy. And I'm like,

like, yeah, it would be like it ain't my pussy and I'd be like okay like yeah it would be like barrels of laughs but then I would worry that if things like didn't work out that then we couldn't

be friends anymore and I wouldn't want that that's a well thought out answer oh yeah you know what I try to be I'm a thoughtful ass bitch you really are

do you have anything you want to promote well my podcast Let Me Fix It with my bestie Delon which we would love You really are. Do you have anything you want to promote? Well, my podcast, Let Me Fix It, with my bestie, Delon, which we would love to have you as a guest. Yes, please have me. You would be so great. Every Wednesday, that show comes out, and I'm hosting a new show for Wondery called Black History for Real,

which is about little-known black history figures. It's been so interesting. I've learned so much. Yeah. Did you know black people created hockey? Ice've learned so much yeah did you know black people created hockey ice hockey no i did not know that uh-huh um i cannot talk about being columbus that is they really have changed the image of hockey uh-huh i can't i think in nova scotia really i didn't even know we were in Canada like that.

Okay, the all-black league that invented hockey as we know it in 1895. A group of black Canadian intellectuals and churchmen of the time looked at the sport and saw the same thing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh my God. Well, Nicole, you're now officially

a producer on Black History for Real. As if you need another podcast, but you win the credits, girl, now. Sorry. Wait, I want to find more things. Potato chips? I knew that one. I didn't know that one.

Did you know that the Playboy Bunny outfit was designed by a black woman? No, but honestly, it makes sense. It fucking hits even today. Yeah, it sure does a clothing dryer the traffic light the automatic gear shift the mailbox what elevator doors folding chairs now that's my favorite one folding chairs because uh because of that the folding chair thing with the guys. Yes, which is real full circle.

I love it. Oh, a gas heating furnace. Somebody said, aren't you cold? And then invented it. Wow, this is wild. Okay, we got to get out of here. I could go on all day. This has been delightful.

Thank you so much for doing this. Oh, thank you so much for having me. This was really fun. Years of the fucking making. Yeah, it you so much for having me. This was really fun. Years in the fucking making. Yeah, it truly has been. But you know what? Good things take time.

Good things take time. Like me getting into a relationship. That was nice. Yes, yes. Be kind to existence. I do feel like 2024 is my year because I've got a lot of things you know bubbling but I also just feel like I've done a lot of work on myself and I think I'm a better communicator and I think I'm just gonna be like really magical for a special somebody and I think they're gonna meet me and I'm gonna be like oh my god I can't handle how amazing and weird she is I'm very strange I love

that you're I I really appreciate you saying that. And I think you're right. I think you're at a place that you can genuinely say that and mean it and not just, you know, blow in hot air. And I think that that's like exactly where you need to be. I know it's so stereotypical to be like when you're ready, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like mentally, yes, you have to be in that space and you are. And do think 2024 i keep my friend said this to me that 2024 is going to be the year that we thought 2020 was supposed to be oh i like that i think because i really really thought 2020 was going to be it and everybody did it's like we just graduated from high school we just spent four years in high school and now we're all playing that vitamin c song when we go on not to get together

where our friends are i don't know the words but i i get the sentiment yeah i just i at dinner i went to dinner last night and this i was trying wine and the server was like, do you like it? And I was like, no. And then I like, sometimes I forget to be a human being in public and I can't wait for my partner to be like, oh, that's my Muppet. You know what I mean? Like just to embrace the weird, stupid shit that I do. All right, Fran, we gotta get out of here.

If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. If you write me something dirty at whywontyoudatemepodcasts at gmail.com, I will read it. This lovely person said, Hey, Nicole, gonna keep this short and sweet. Let's get each other super wet,

then play on a slip and slide that's lubed up by our love goo. Ew. If we eat lots of fruit beforehand, it should hopefully make it smell not too gross. LOL. Love you and the team and whoever your guest is this episode. Okay, that was short and sweet and kind of gross, but not terrible. Well, that's it. Bye-bye.

Bye. and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.