Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Modelling on OnlyFans (w/ Luenell)

Episode Date: July 26, 2024

Comedian Luenell (Borat, Hacks) joins Nicole to discuss the decision that led her to start an OnlyFans, dating a man who slid into her DMs, and her experience robbing $50,000 from a bank. Follow Nicole Byer:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byers have been trying to figure out why I was so single for so long, even though you could give me a packet of sugar and go, that's not actually sugar, that's dried up. Come on.

Oh boy, these are getting harder and harder. My guest today is a comedic powerhouse known as the original bad girl of comedy. You've seen her in everything from Borat to A Star is Born to Hacks, and she's making us laugh. She's been making us laugh for 30 years. She's currently headlining her own comedy tour and has a residency at Jimmy Kimmel's Comedy Club in Las Vegas.

I love this woman so much. She makes me laugh so hard, and I'm so excited she's here. It's Lin-el! Bim-bim-bim-bim-bim-bim! Bim-bim-bim! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hi, Nicole. Hi, hi, hi.

I'm so excited that you agreed to do this. I truly love you. I think you are so funny. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Your last special. I love it. You're sitting in a throne. You're like, I'm not standing up for shit. This might be stand up, but I'm sitting the fuck down.

You've got these big lashes on. You always have these fabulous lashes, fabulous nails, long nails. And one of your jokes that made me laugh so hard was you were like, Delta's the only airline that understands that people have big butts. And the seat belts are long enough to actually buckle. laugh so hard was you were like, Delta's the only airline that understands that people have big butts and the seat belts are long enough to actually buckle. Everything else you gotta ask for an extender and they act like it's a drug deal.

And it's so funny to me. I think all that airline material is hilarious and true cause I couldn't make it up. And as far as sitting down, during the Rona, I had double knee replacement surgery. Oh, shit. I had one knee done, and then four months later, I had the other knee done.

So prior to that, it was extremely painful for me to stand up for a long period of time. So that's when I started sitting down. And then after that, I'm like, well, fuck it, shit, I'm gonna keep sitting down. So that's why I went from a chair to a throne, a throne to a, you know. So now I'm still sitting, even though I can stand.

I do stand up. I stand up, but not for long, shit. No. I'll do it. I'll do it for a little bit, but you're not gonna catch me doing it for an hour. No way. Just like sex. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha your ex-husband. Are you currently married? No, I'm not. And I wasn't married when he passed, like you said, ex-husband. We were, I've been divorced from him for like eight years,

but we were married for almost 20 years, but we were separated for like 11 years because we only got married in 90 days in Vegas. So, boom, there you go. Damn! But, the thing about pulling dudes is, the new thing is hitting everybody in the DM, DM, DM, DM, like that shit. I don't meet guys in person that often

because they use that punk bitch ass word, intimidated. And I think that's what they say about us comedians. And then also the guys who hit me in the DM They only talk about fucking very much And except for you know, they don't be like I'd like to take you out for coffee Like take you off for a date nothing like that Except the guy that I'm currently talking to who has been DMing me since 2019 whoo damn and I was paying him no mind

until he finally wrote me and said, yo, I'm a 38 year old real estate investor. I think you need a young man like me in your life. I live in Houston, da da da. Then I was like, oh, well, shit. So, you know, and so now we're talking. We've been talking for almost a month now. I like that. I like that he was like,

I'm 38, I got my own money, I'm in real estate, I want to take you out, because that's what you need. You need a dude with money. You don't want to be the sugar mama. You want to be, you know, wined and dined and treated nice. Which I've never had. I've never had a guy with more money than me in my life.

I've never been properly wined and dined. I have over $100,000 worth of diamonds that I bought all myself, bought my own house, bought my own cars, never been flown anywhere except for to do comedy, never had anybody fly to come see me. So I don't have a great romantic track record as far as being treated well.

I wanna be flew out. That's nice. That sounds like just a man sending a ticket romantic track record as far as being treated well. I wanna be flew out, that's nice. That sounds like just a man sending a ticket being like, Lord, come to me. Ooh, okay. But then Nicole, we have to be careful too, because usually, I don't know about you, but I travel with security, you know what I'm saying?

And then I always meet up with my road manager when I get to a town, so I'm not alone. For me to go somewhere and fly to see a guy alone is very tricky for me, because in the airports I'm undercover. You just never know, this world is so scary. In the 70s and 80s, we would have hopped on a plane and went to go see Manson, we didn't know.

But now it's like, oh my God, I don't know, go see this guy, what if he picks me up with two of his buddies in the car or some shit? You know, you just gotta be kinda careful. But I've been talking to this guy for like, I said a month now. He seems very straightforward, very upstanding guy. So I will go see him after he comes sees me twice.

Okay. Yeah. I like these rules and I like these boundaries. Also, how are you ever undercover? You have such, you are always in something bright, something cute, the nails are long, the hair is blonde, the lashes are lashes. Like, how are you ever undercover? The lashes and my voice usually blow me.

Uh-huh. Blow my cover. But when I fly, I wear a mask, I wear sunglasses, I wear a hat. I never have my hair out like this unless I have to land and go to an event. You know what I'm saying? So I try, but if somebody says good morning to me, I have to say good morning back and then they go,

oh my God, oh my God, I know that voice. This so deep ass voice. You really do have such a distinct voice and it's so fun. Like, I think I love your comedy so much because you're so joyful. And sometimes people will ask me, they're like, how come you laugh when you're telling jokes? And I'm like, because I think it's funny. I'm not getting on stage to tell you something I don't think is funny.

And I feel like that comes through with you. Like, you're like, I love telling these jokes because they're funny. Totally. You also have a bit, it's an old bit, where you're like pulling shit out of your bra. Is that what it is? It's a... No, actually people have confused me. No, no, no, that's not even me. People have... Well, I... Okay, I pulled something on my bra.

No, a bar of soap. Oh, yeah, I did that way long ago. Yes, that was a Comic View bit. You know, there's another girl, though, who did Def Jam, who murdered that shit. She pulled that was a Comic View bit. You know, there's another girl though who did Def Jam, who murdered that shit. She pulled out a bottle of booze. She pulls a full bottle of vodka.

A bag of ice, an ashtray, a cigarette, fucking vodka. And it was the best. She blew Def Jam up doing that. We still don't know her name. No, I don't know her name either. And I'm like, where did she go? I don't know. But that must have been such a different time.

Like comedy has changed so much. But like old Def Jam sets are so fun to watch because the crowd is so fucking hyped and they're so excited and they like give you what you need. Sometimes I feel like now people feel like they're watching TV and they're smiling. And I'm like, no, no, no, I need you. I need the laughs. I need you to be loud. Yes, they do feel like they're watching TV and they're smiling. And I'm like, no, no, no, I need the laughs. I need you to be loud. Yes, they do feel like they're watching TV

and they'll sit in the front row and maybe have to text. Now, mind you, you may have a kid. So I don't necessarily get on you about that so much. But if you're just, you know, talking back and forth to each other and it's not ordering a food or a drink, then I have to say, hey, bitch, you know, talking back and forth to each other and it's not ordering a food or a drink, then I have to say, hey bitch, you know, I can hear you. I'm on these edibles and I can hear everything in the room. Okay, so when you, cause you smoke a ton of weed,

we shared a wall in DC at this like ladies, I can't remember the name of the comedy festival. I think it's just, like, ladies in comedy or something. We shared a wall, you arrived, and all of a sudden, I was like, oh my God, am I gonna get a contact high? Ooh, wait, ooh, she puffing, ooh, she puffing. Oh, don't be imprudent, Nicole. Yeah, I think, was that, funny women of a certain age?

I don't know. Something like that. But do you plan how much you smoke before you get on stage? Do you like figure it out? I'm not Snoop Dogg. I really don't smoke that much. I usually take about two or three puffs and I'm done. You know what I mean?

I just want to get a little buzz. I don't ever smoke a whole joint even here at home. I just take a couple little puffs, you know what I mean? Yeah, I like it. Real chill. Edibles, I don't really fuck with them like that. I once saw Craig Robinson do a set and he was like, an hour and a half in,

he was like, the Edible hit! And I was like, an hour and a half in, how much longer are we going? It was such a long show, but it was so fun. It was funny. I applaud, but it was so fun. It was funny. I applaud people who can perform very high. I can't do it. Well, I don't eat edibles per se.

Like I don't do the gummies because they make me sleepy, even if it's supposed to be, you know, there's a difference between indica and sativa. Sativa makes me more alert and Indica makes me sleepy. But both of them make me sleepy, so I don't eat the gummies. I usually give those away. But there's these coffee beans, these chocolate covered THC coffee beans.

Yes, they come in a black tin. Yes, I eat those because that will, if I'm tired, if I'm jet lagged, that will give me a little perk up and make me giggly at the same time. So I like those. Those ones are my favorite. I fuck with those ones. Those are truly the only edibles I'll do.

I like those. Exactly, yay. We should get sponsored by them. Anyway, okay, so when you're traveling, I ask all comedians this, do you have chuckle fuckers? Do you have people who come up to you after shows and they're like, hey, let's get this done? Not so much anymore because I don't do meet and greets very much.

I used to, but I have severe allergies to certain women. It's never happened with men. to, but I have severe allergies to certain women. It's never happened with men. Women's make-up and women's perfume. And people don't just say hi to me, they wanna hug me, they wanna kiss me. And I have to travel with an EpiPen and shit like that. Oh shit. Yeah, I'm a delicate flower.

Don't let this grow. You really are. Don't let this grow this growth exterior fool you. So what happened was after so many allergic reactions, which really are very severe, because my eyes swell up, my lungs swell up, it's cats and grass and perfume and stuff like that, that I just had to stop doing the immediate meet and greets.

I make conceptions, of course, you know, to my grandmother's 80 and she loves you, I know I'm gonna take a picture with her, even though I may not hug her because that white diamond sends me into a whole cardiac arrest. But, you know, and then also I used to sell my merch on the road with me, and then also I used to sell my merch

on the road with me. And of course everybody who bought something would get a picture, but I stopped doing that as well. And now you can only get my merch in person in Vegas, every place else you have to order it online. And they shouldn't have a problem as much Amazon as we ordered in order my shit too. You know how to order online. I also stopped doing meet and greets.

It wasn't because of the perfume. It was just like when I was doing two shows at a club and then you do an hour and then you meet people for an hour and then you have 15 minutes where they turn around the room. And I'm just like, so that's actually four hours of being on and performing and you don't want nobody to go home

with a bad story about you. Just because it would make me feel like shit. So I stopped doing them because I was like, oh man, I am fucking tired. This is rough. Yes it is, it'll wear you out. Nobody can, unless you're us, they can't grasp it

because all they know is about their meet and greet. What they don't realize is that 250 people have now waited for you after the show and now you've done 250, you know, so I ain't doing it. Yeah, and you, uh-uh, no, no, no. This might be a question you've gotten a lot, but I feel like you're very true to yourself. I feel like you haven't compromised

who you are in your comedy. And do you find that hard, or do you find that easy to be like, this is me, this is what I like, this is what I think is funny? I think you will too. No, I do believe that I'm extremely truthful on stage because it's easier, it's easier for me

to just tell the truth than to make up a story or to tell a lie. I can't keep up with that, I can only keep up with the truth, you know what I'm saying? That's why I really don't write jokes. I just tell stories and they're all true and they're all the way that I feel. You know, I tell everybody this is a dictatorship.

This is not, you know, it's what I say for an hour and that's it. Thank you and good night. I just have to tell, because comedy for me is more of a purging and more of a, if I didn't do comedy, I would be probably back in jail. I did say back in jail. We're gonna get to it.

I wanna talk about it. I would probably slap bitches all up and down the street if I didn't do comedy. Comedy allows me to talk about the way I feel. And I'm not one of the, I haven't really changed a lot of my material because of the sensitivity of the audience, I basically don't give a shit.

Because when I'm on a show and it's my show and people are paid to come see me, 90% of them know what they're coming to see. And that's what they want. If I'm on a show with Sad and DL and something like that, maybe I won't go so hard because they really came to see them and I'm just an added attraction, you know?

Yeah, I do that too. But I do feel that people would feel gypped if I did not, you know, be honest and forthright in what I say. Let's talk about jail. So you were sentenced to a year, but you only served four months because you were working at a- Four months and 18 days.

Four months and 18 days. Give me my 18 days, girl. Four months and 18 days. This was in the nineties. You had a series of indiscretions while working at a bank in Long Beach. No, just one. Just one big one. Just one? Just one?

I won big one. You know, I did have other indiscretions, but I never got caught for those. But the big Kahuna, I did go to jail for, and that was embezzlement. In other words, bank robbery. I robbed the bank that I worked at. But I feel justified and I don't regret it. I do regret going to jail, but, because here's what I feel.

This is what I did. I had been bookkeeper, I had been new accounts, I had been all this stuff and I was a teller. I feel like the teller, and this wasn't in the 90s, so the pay was definitely not the way that it probably is now. But I feel like the teller is the face of the bank. The teller is who you make friends with,

who you feel that you trust, who you talk to about your business to. It's the teller. It's not the operations officer, it's not the bookkeeper, it's the teller. So the teller is the's not the operations officer, it's not the bookkeeper, it's the teller. So the teller is the face of the bank. So I felt like as the teller, when you work for two weeks,

this is back when we're getting paid every two weeks, I don't know how I ever lived like that, but we're getting paid every two weeks, and then you get a check for like $250, but then you're working in a vault with millions and millions and millions of dollars. I just didn't think it was fair. So...

So I made it fair for myself. I just didn't think it was fair. I love that. I love that you were like, this isn't fair. So I'm just gonna take what I think is fair. $50,000. $50,000. It's just $50,000?

Made it fair, yeah. $50,000 is a good chunk of money, especially for the 90s. Know your worth, Nicole. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. So. Know your worth.

Between getting the $50,000, how much time went between you getting the money and you getting caught? Oh, about, let me see, maybe about 12 years. What? Yeah. If I hadn't taken so much money, I would have got away with it due to statute limitations. But the amount of money that I took made it a felony instead of a misdemeanor, and felonies never go away.

So you could commit a felony at 21 and be arrested at 75. They never go away. So when I had my baby, I applied for social services. WIC to get milk and juice and cereal and when I Applied then these social security numbers crossed up and they came and got my black ass and put me in jail Do you ever blame your child Do you ever go I would have gotten away with this if it weren't for you No, I blame her for the belly that I currently have

I tell everybody that it's baby weight. And I just had a baby 28 years ago, but it feels like yesterday. I think that's one of the fun things about motherhood. You could just blame your kid for that. Look at this belly weight I have. It's still here. It's still here even though you're 28 years old. Damn right. How long have you been in Vegas doing your residency?

Well, I would say four years, except of course the runner ate up two of the years, but I've been here since about 2019, 2020. And I was here at Jimmy Kimmel's the day they opened the doors and I continue to be here. I don't want to go anywhere because I go as a resident, I go see other residents. I go see Chris Angel.

I go see Copperfield, Penn and Teller. I love Magic. I go see New Edition. Me too. I can see all that. Black people love Magic. I love Magic. And we'd be like, do it again, do it again, do it again. But those rooms are like 1500 seats. And I feel

that that's a lot of pressure to have to pull in 1500 people every day that you do it. Every day. The Kimmel's Club is only like 320, and that's regular comedy club size. And maybe I'm undermining myself, but I feel like it's more intimate. I mean, I've done, you know, I've worked with Chimpelle. I've done 20,000 seats before, but I prefer that. If I was bigger, like if I could do this late night talk show

that I'm trying to get, if I get bigger, then maybe it would be more automatic that I could fill 1,500 seats. But right now, I don't want that stress, honey. I can come and know pretty much that I'm gonna sell out every week, you know, with my 320, I'm cool with my 320. Hell, the money good.

I mean, 320 is nothing to knock at. Selling out 320 is nice. In Vegas on a Sunday and Monday? Yes, that's nice. That's your draw. Yeah. I, 20,000 seats to me, impressive, amazing. But personally, I don't feel like I can connect

and give people the show I want to give because it's so many fucking people. And I like smaller venues. 1500's like the max for me. Anything more, and I'm like, I can't even see you. You're so fucking far away. You paid money. You could barely see me. Well, no, you know, they have the monitors these days.

And so that really helps. But you know, remember I came from before there were monitors when I was on tour with Cat Williams the first time. I don't know if, I don't think they had monitors and that's when we was doing the Ari Crown Theater, we did Madison Square Garden and all that type of stuff. I prefer the smaller venue because I feel like I got more freedom there, too, you know?

Mm-hmm. Real quick, we gotta take a break. [♪ music playing on video game console, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on speakerphone, playing on I love him also so much. He's so funny. It was the best. It was the best. Well, I had never been, I had never and have never still been on tour with anybody but Kat. Kat's the only person who took me on tour and he did it twice. And we made a movie as well. The dates I do with Chappelle, those are just dates.

It's not I'm on tour. And any dates I do with anybody else is just sporadic. But I'm talking about week after week after week after week for like a year. Yeah, that was Kat. And then came back, you know, what, three years ago and we did it again. You know what I mean? Now, when you're on tour with Kat,

are you traveling with him or is it separate? Like, are you on a bus, flying? What are you doing? Tell me about this tour. The first time when he was actually transitioning from Money Mike into his own self, Cat Williams, we were all on, you know, the Southwest and, you know, doing all this kind of stuff, and we were all in the same dressing room.

As he blew up, he started not being able to go through the airport because it was like the Pied Piper and people would follow. And I've never seen him refuse a pitcher ever. So that would make you late and they don't wanna hold a plane. So we started flying private and then you get off the plane and get on the tour bus and the tour bus

will maybe take you to the hotel. Then maybe the next city you go to might be close enough to take the bus and not fly. So you get on the tour bus and for me, it was one of the greatest experiences I ever had. So fun, so bonding. And then we had like two buses because, you know, cats smoke cigarettes and so he was on his own bus with whoever he wanted on that bus and the other bus had me, Red and Melanie Camacho and what other randos, you know, we

wanted to throw on there. And then on the last tour that I did with him, I did not fly with him. I flew on my own to the next city and this and that. It sounds like summer camp. It does sound like a lot of fun. Like whenever I get to travel with my funny friends, it's just so joyful. Everyone is always laughing.

Sometimes you have like a real conversation that you're like, oh shit, like I learned something about you. But then you're like back to laughing five minutes later. I just, that sounds like so much fun. Yeah, for me it was great because I've always liked that family vibe. I have seven brothers and sisters

on the eighth of eight children. So I'm used to being cramped with a bunch of people. I'm used to that. And then on the bus, you just get in your bug and you can close your little curtain, watch a DVD, and I slept like I was in the womb. You know, I slept good, I'm a good car sleeper. I really enjoyed it, I really did.

Did you bring your child on tour with you or no? It's a daughter, right? Yes, my daughter. And at that time, the first time I went, she was about like eight. And then the second time, she's like 23. She did not go on tour with me, per se, but she has been on the bus,

and she has been at the shows and stuff like that. So she didn't go city to city with me because who wants a fucking kid in the bus city to city. I'm hungry and all that shit. But she did, you know, she popped in. That must've been so fun for a kid growing up to be like, I get to hang out with my mom and cat fucking Williams. And then I get to go back home and go to school and do whatever, but then I get to pop back in.

I love that. Yeah, and at the time when she was eight, she didn't know what, you know, she didn't know what cat Williams was. This is Uncle Cat, you know what I mean? And oh, he's in charge of this, okay, fine. No big deal, you know, she knows now. And she has the clout to walk past the security,

push him out the way, that's not Uncle Cat, move. And she'll go in there and she jumps up around his neck all the time, and as always, he looks awkward and she looks joyful, and it's really funny. Like, she bosses him around. Your daughter must be so proud of you. Is she? You would have to ask her that. I'm not so sure how proud.

I mean, I'm sure she's proud of me, but you're not having that moment, you know? Like, I don't know how proud you can be of your mom when she's got her OnlyFans, but you know, hey. Mwahahaha! I'm just saying, you know? Okay, so did you start the OnlyFans, but you know, hey. I'm just saying, you know. Okay, so did you start the OnlyFans before or after you became a Fenty Lingerie ambassador? It was after, but that's why I did it. Because after the, after the, after the ambassadorship was over, which was like two years, I had all, you know, you

got to take photos, you know, you got to take photos of yourself in this lingerie, because you have to post them on your story, you got to do the advertisement. And I ended up with so many beautiful photos of me, of course, you know, it's angles and lighting, honey, angles and lighting. I had to hide this belly. I'd rather show them this fat ass than this fat belly. So I had all these great photos and I said, well, what am I gonna do with all these beautiful photos?

I said, oh, I'll just start a OnlyFans and I'll put all my lingerie photos on the OnlyFans. And that's what I did. But then, then they wanted to see other stuff. Oh. You know, I started a foot page, cause I've got great feet. Okay.

And I got toe rings and the whole shit. And so there's those guys, and I didn't mind that neither. Every now there's somebody might want to see some titties and like well if I well well how much you know? How much you willing to pay? Yeah, I mean how much you will how much you want it? You know I'm saying cuz I'll put a price and then I might you know change my mind like I might say 200 to see my titties or something, and then I might change my mind,

and maybe it's gonna be 500. You can only donate so much money at a time, so if they're gonna donate $500, they can't donate $500. They have to donate like maybe $100 five times, you know what I'm saying? So anyway, and then some other shit happened, whatever. Ooh, okay. So are we still doing the OnlyFans

or have we retired from OnlyFans? Hell no, I got this down payment for that house and shut that bitch down. New Year's Eve this year, it was over. Thanks for the money. I truly love that you're like, let me get my money and then let me get out. I'm not anything extra. No I'm not a fucking porn star, you know, they was one cum shots and shit. I'm like you're out of your fucking mind You know the people that did OnlyFans

that I talked to to get advice. They were like, well, you need to be nice to them and then lure them in. And I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. I'm not doing no deranged shit like that. And so, you know, they didn't like that a lot, I guess. I don't know. That's so funny. I love it.

How did you become like a Fenty ambassador? Did you meet Rihanna? And then she was like, I like you, let's do this? Met her on FaceTime because the tour bus driver that she had, ironically enough, was our tour bus driver when we were on tour with Kat. And me and Damien remained friends. And he called me late one night on FaceTime, I'm looking crazy laying in the bed, on tour with Kat and me and Damien remained friends.

And he called me late one night on FaceTime, I'm looking crazy laying in the bed, and I answered the phone, I'm like, what's up? And he was on the bus. And he said, oh girl, we was just laying up here laughing at you on the tour bus. I said, we who? He said, my client.

I said, who's your client? And then boom, Rihanna popped on the screen. A girl almost broke my fucking fingernails around the screen, shot that photo, which I have and I've never posted. I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And so we talked for a while, she really loves comedy, she thought I was really funny.

And I told her, I said, my daughter's a big fan of your lingerie, which was really a lie, because my daughter don't really like to wear lingerie. And I said, I wish you made it in bigger sizes. She said, I actually do. I said, you do? I said, well hell, I want to be a model. She said, let's make it happen.

I'm like, okay, we kiki-ki, got off the phone. I thought that was it. But then two days later, she personally hit me in the DM and said, what's your email? And I was like, oh my God. And I sent her my email. Then contracts started coming. And like, you know, we'll pay you this.

We need to do this. We need to do both this and this. Here's the catalog, pick out what you like, we'll send it to you, take the photos that are, I was like, oh shit, now I done wrote a check that my ass literally has to cash, you know? I'm like, oh God, what am I gonna do now, you know? And who's gonna take these photos?

So my manager's my best friend, he took a bunch of photos. Then when I had my, cause this was also, one year it was free, the next year it was in the Rona. Because, you know, those Amazon Savage X Fenty fashion shows. Well, one year that we did it, we had to all have our masks, we were all like sequestered. We were all, you know, couldn't be with each other

in the big dressing room and all that kind of stuff. So it was quite the experience. And I'm very excited that I got to do it. I'll always be able to say I did it. People knew that I did it, cause you know, we had to advertise. And it was really great, it was great. She's a wonderful, wonderful girl.

You're the reason why I knew they had plus sizes. I was like, oh damn, L'Nelson, and so cute little lingerie, let me go get me some. Exactly. So it worked, because I spent some money. Yeah, my nieces spent money, a lot of my full-figured girlfriends spent money. Yeah, so that's why I guess I was able to do it for two years.

You know? Mm-hmm. What's like the wildest thing that's happened on tour? Either during a show or like on the bus? Well, I had somebody, it wasn't while I was on tour with Kat, but we've had, I've had two women's water break and they came back and they had the baby and came back the next year to the show and brought me the baby.

And then I had a lady almost die about six months ago. Yeah. Like the room was letting out, but she didn't move. And we're like, wait a minute. And I was in the back, our security took video and people went over there, was trying to shake her. She didn't have a fucking pulse and shit. And they called the ambulance, the ambulance came. And what I heard was that they did revive her

and that she's okay. But I got video of her sitting there like slumped over like down near dead. I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. So babies, people been getting born and people dying at my show. You truly killed. I'm a killer.

That's why they call me El Murder. Shit. El Murder. Working in Vegas, do people get like too drunk at your shows sometimes? Do they get like a little unruly or no? Let me see how to put this. Yes, it's Vegas. Yes, we've had to have a couple people escort it out.

We've had to have a couple people try to, you know, come on stage and all that stuff. That's why I have security, but I pay my own security. Because what I find going around the country is comedians are absolutely, positively unprotected. The clubs have security for that box office, but they do not have security for us. And even if they do, they're way in the back of the club, you could get stabbed 15 times before the security gets to you. And some of these clubs have you so jam-packed that you're literally, they could touch your

feet. They could touch you. You're that close. So I pay for my own security and They travel with me and Shit like that. It's a little costly, but it's worth it because Right now, you know The person that you think is coming up to hug you might be the person who comes up and shanks you You just never know.

Look at me talking about jail talk, shank. But, but. But. You might have left jail, but you can't take the jail out of your heart. I can't take the convict out the girl. And so I do not appreciate that because, you know, how did a rando get on stage with Dave Chappelle

at the Hollywood Bowl? That's wild to me. That should have never happened. How did Steve Brown get assaulted in the club by a guy who almost killed a bunch of people in that motherfucking swing, swinging a mic stand that came apart and flew across the room and almost hit a lady in the head and all this kind of stuff.

We are the most unprotected entertainers in the business. And I don't like it, I don't appreciate it. I mean, it's very smart of you. I'm pretty lucky. I've only had a couple interactions where I was scared. One guy was talking during the show, so I insulted his penis size, and then he got mad at me, and then he looked like he was gonna rush the stage,

and I was like, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing in front of all these people you're gonna try to do that? What are you, a big man? And I had to really talk him out of not coming up on stage and fucking trying to hurt me. It was wild. Security did nothing.

Well, I'm the queen of fuck around and find out. And even if the, I'll stick you before the security can get to you, fuck with me, because I keep a little something, keep a little something in my bra for motherfuckers like that. Real talk. Just a little something in the bra, right under the titty, right under that titty meat.

Baby, you'll be out the door and bleeding before you even know you got stuck. That's, you know, I'm from the old ice pick era, old ice pick bitch. Damn, an ice pick bitch. I've never heard that before and I fucking like it. I'm an ice pick bitch. I'm an old ice pick bitch. I've never heard that before and I fucking like it. I'm an ice pick bitch. I'm an old ice pick bitch, honey.

What is um, what is like one of the worst dates you've been on and then what is one of the best dates? Well, um, this is almost embarrassing a little bit. Okay, so there was this guy I had been knowing for years, years, years, years, years. He started out being a fan and then he ended up being a friend and we were lovers and all this shit. Okay, but then I had never taken him anywhere. I only seen him when I came to this particular town. So then I was gonna go do something really big

and I wanted somebody to come with me. I wanted a guy for a change, not my security. So I said, oh, you know, I got, because as we fly, we gain points, right? So I had a whole bunch of points, so it wasn't gonna be money out my pocket. So I flew this guy with me to New York City. I got him a separate room,

because even though I want to fuck you, I don't want to share a bathroom with you, sorry. You know, what if you leave a floatie in the toilet? Now I don't want to fuck you at all. Anyway, I took this guy to New York. It was a really, really big deal. He met a lot of my friends. He had his own room.

We, you know, we were there for the whole weekend and didn't fuck. And I'm like, you got me so fucked up. I don't know what the fuck you think this is. I'm just like the man. Like if a man takes a bitch to Las Vegas, or takes it to Paris, or takes her to New York, and gives you everything, get to eat,

get to shop, get to do all this, and then you don't fuck him, he probably gonna have an attitude. You can call a prostitution if you want to, I don't give a shit. But when we didn't have sex, I was highly offended, and we're not friends no more. Well, did you say to him, are we gonna have sex?

No, because I actually was busy and I actually was tired. And if he didn't take the initiative, I'm like, well, fuck it. And it wasn't that he didn't want to because we had before, but you know, I was tired and he was tired and we got drunk and we passed out and did, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da you know, I was tired and he was tired and we got drunk and we passed out and da da da da da, people in the room and all this kind of shit. So, it just didn't happen, but I don't give a shit about that motherfucker. I brought you all the way to New York City

and who the fuck do you think I am? And I never even done this before and I didn't even get no dick. Bye bitch, we're not friends no more. Okay, real quick, we gotta take a break. And we're back. How long do you wait before having sex with people? Do you wait or do you just, when you're like feeling it, you're like, let's do it?

I used to be a first night fucker because, you date somebody for six months and find out they're horrible in the bed. That's six months that I ain't gonna get back in my life no more, you know? I could have been and quit you two months ago. So, but not anymore because of my status. I can't be out here whoring around anymore.

And the guy that I'm talking to right now, like I said, we've been talking a month. I normally don't do long distance relationships because I don't trust them and I too cannot be trusted. But I'm trying to be a bigger, better person. And so this guy that I've been talking to a month, we've been talking to a month, we haven't had sex yet, but the minute this motherfucker walk through the dodo girl,

it's on, because he's fine, yes. I love that for you, I love that he's fine. Okay, what's the best date you've been on? I don't think I've had very many great ones. Okay, what's the best date you've been on? I don't think I've had very many great ones. Okay, so I used to go with this Mexican guy and it was Cinco de Mayo and we were in LA and we were out carousing and Shealy E and her dad and the whole band were downtown at LA Live.

And we went down there and we're partying with them and drinking with them. And that was a really good date. I thought that was great. And then also there's a place in LA called the Magic Castle. And you know- I love the Magic Castle. Okay, so you know we love magic.

Oh my God. Right? So going to the Magic Castle. Okay, so you know we love magic. Oh my God. Right? Uh huh. So going to the Magic Castle for me is always a great date, period. So we went there, I had a birthday party there one time and we did the whole Houdini thing and all that shit. That was a great date.

I haven't had a whole bunch of great ones though cause these motherfuckers be broken, ain't about shit. Wait, not even with your ex-husband? We're not a whole bunch of great ones though, because these motherfuckers be broke and ain't about shit. Wait, not even with your ex-husband? Well, me and my ex-husband didn't really date that much because we got married in like 90 days, we got married. And our life was great, but it wasn't dates, that was our life. It was just a good life together.

Yeah. When you said you started off doing theater, what kind of theater were you doing? Musical theater, I did, well I did, I think one of my first plays was Ain't Supposed to Die a Natural Death. And then I did, my favorite musical is Ain't Misbehavin'. And then I did, I think a play called

The Gospel at Colonus. And that had pop staples in it and Roscoe Lee Brown and the Five Blind Boys and that was in San Francisco. And then for three years, I did a play in San Francisco, a cabaret show called Peach Blanket Babylon, which is, it's very, it's a parody of different things. Like they had a Tina Turner character, but the hair, her hair was like four feet high.

It was her outfit from What's Love Got to Do With It, but everything in the play was big. Like the finale, the girl wore the whole San Francisco skyline on her head and it lit up. You would have to Google it, but I did that show for three years. And just a lot of different little musical things I did. And some not musical, like For Call it Girls

Who Consider Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enough. Love, love, love, love. So yeah, I did a lot of theater before I ever did anything else. Would you ever return to it? Do you have any, like would you do Broadway? Well, you know, I was, what is this, July? Last year, I was on the Tamron Hall Show

and Tamron had dug around and found out that I had aspirations to maybe wanna do Broadway. One day go back to Broadway, go do Broadway. And she arranged for me to do a limited engagement in the play Chicago at the Ambassador Theater on Broadway. So I actually did that. Yep. Oh my God, I didn't know that.

When did you do that? I did that, at the end of last year, the pictures are on my Instagram and stuff. And- Were you a mama Morton? No, I didn't even wanna be her. I didn't wanna be her. Cause I don't wanna dress like a jail marm.

You know, like I won't even take grandma roles and stuff right now. Cause I feel like the minute you do that, you're stuck doing that. I'm not a grandmother. My daughter's 28. Once I become a grandmother, maybe I will play a grandmother.

But until then I just want to be a hot milf. You know what I'm saying? A hot little milf. Hot little milf. With a big old ass. Yeah. Yeah, Monterey. So I did, I actually introed the show. I was like the announcer at the

intro of the show. And I did, and you got to, you know, it's got to be this and that and tragedy and that and that. Ladies and gentlemen, sit back, relax and put your hands together for Chicago, you know. But I had the hat, I had the hat and everything like that. So, and I had to learn, you know, little choreo and all that, yeah. Little choreo, little two step? Little two step, girl. Little Fosse?

Yeah, little jazz hands, for sure. I fucking love that. I love it. Yes. Well, now you're so fucking joyful. I love this so much. Do you have any advice for single people? Oh, Lord.

Well, well, I think that sense of humor is an aphrodisiac. I think if you meet a guy, I don't give a shit how fine he is. If they don't have a sense of humor, me, I can't do it. And I think that a sense of humor in a person is one of the best qualities that you can have. And so no matter how much money they make, and you have to be careful about money makers

because there's conditions that come with that. You know, I feel like if you can meet somebody that you can really laugh and get along with, I think that is really, really important. And it wouldn't hurt if they had a spiritual aspect to themself as well, you know. That may sound corny, but I do need, you know, a little prayer or... A little bit of the Lord.

Or Yoruba or something, you know. Something that connects you to something other than your own conceited self. So those things I think would be something good to look for. I like that. I think that's good advice. I feel the same way. Like, you don't have to be the funniest person in the room, but we have to... would be something good to look for. I like that. I think that's good advice. I feel the same way. You don't have to be the funniest person in the room,

but we have to laugh about similar things. We have to find the same shit funny. You have to be able to find the humor and going to the grocery store and when something dumb happens, you notice it too. Yeah, maybe. And you can laugh about it. Come squeeze these melons, You feel these melons? These melons are hard.

Stuff that's fun, there's humor in every single thing. Every single thing, everything. I agree. I fucking love to giggle. I just love giggling. I love when something is so dumb. I was with a friend and he just, I was using this mouthwash and there's a picture of the guy who made the mouthwash on it. This is so dumb. I was with a friend and he just I was using this mouthwash and there's a picture

of the guy who made the mouthwash on it. This is so dumb. But he pointed at the picture and I had a toothbrush in my mouth. So I couldn't say his picture is funny. So I just started laughing and then they started laughing and they're like, I just pointed at the picture. And then when I finally spit out the toothpaste, I was like, I know, but I think his picture is so funny. And then we just laughed because we were laughing at nothing. I was like, I love this. Oh, you were brushing your teeth somebody. It was somebody, so you must have been an overnighter.

Maybe. Maybe it was someone who was having a little slumber party. A little something something. A little something something. A little treat. someone will squeeze them. I got a tip for you. I found this out. Okay so like if you want to wake up and make love in the morning, but you're worried about your breath,

keep like peaches or grapes or apples on the side of the bed. And you know like a bowl of fruit, you can just reach over and you can eat some fruit and you can give your partner some fruit, then nobody has to leave the bed and you have fresh breath. Lin-El. Girl. That's incredible.

What other sex tips do you have? Unfortunately- I feel like you got good sex tips. Unfortunately, we do all have to pee in the morning and unless you're into that, you might have to get up to do that. Sex tips, don't swallow, ew, none of that. That's, I mean, unless that's your thing,

but the world is so germy right now, COVID would be the least of your problems. And just if you like to be tied up or anything like that, make sure you establish that fucking safe word because honey, these men, they can carry it away. Like, wait a minute, bitch, I can't breathe. Shit, what the fuck? And that's not the safe word, I can't breathe.

They're like, you didn't say the safe word. Okay, pineapple, pineapple. You didn't say the safe word, but I can't fucking breathe. Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple. That's the safe word, what up, Radam? Oh my God, I love that so much. I love that your advice is have a safe word, keep fruit next to the bed.

Yeah. And you will have to safe word, keep fruit next to the bed. Have a safe word. Yeah. And you will have to go pee, you will. And yeah, you absolutely will have to. Here's a question. How long do you wait before you say, I love you to somebody? I don't know, I'm ready to say, I love you to this guy already.

We haven't even met right. I love him already. I fall quick and I fall hard, girl. Shit. Same. Same, I'm like, I think I love you. I love you, I love you.. I fall quick and I fall hard, girl. Shit. Same. Same, I'm like, I think I love you. I love you, I love you. Don't leave me.

I love you. Yeah, I'm a Pisces and we love really quick. And I'm, you know, even though I'm gruff exterior, I'm really a romantic and I just like the simplest shit. You know, like this one guy I was seeing briefly, I cut him off, I'll tell you why. He brought me over on Valentine's Day like a balloon, but with a bag with little candy hearts in it, you know, from when you were a kid, like at school, and a bunch of little Valentine cards, and I thought that was so cute. Now, I wanted a Cuban bracelet,

but I thought the hearts were cute Okay, and the reason I cut him off is because here's my pet peeve Uh-huh as much as we travel right? Mm-hmm. I need somebody to give a fuck that I made it safely Made it back home. I need somebody give a fuck. I can't text you and say, babe, I made it back, I'm home. And you don't call me for three days. Bitch, what? Like, and I don't like to text you and you take four and five hours to text me back.

That drives me fucking insane. I can't do it. I know that men not necessarily got their phones clamped in their hand like we do, but yes they do. And if they do, and their boys texting about a fucking tea time, they get right back to them really quick, or going to the fucking game, they get back to them real quick.

So I feel like you're dissing me. I can't have that, goodbye. I agree, when people are like, people have their own lives, whatever, whatever, whatever. I'm like, sure, you can have your own life, but like your phone is in your hand. We've hung out, your phone is in your hand. I know that your phone is there.

If you take an hour, that's fine, but four, five, six, like a whole day, and you're like, I was busy doing what? You answered other people. You were on your, you looked at Instagram. You were on your phone. And I'm only gonna say that twice. And after that, goodbye, I'm blocking you

and I'm deleting your shit so that I don't call you when I get drunk. I love that. I love that security step. I'm gonna block you so I don't do it when I'm drunk. I mean, ooh, I've sent many a drunk messages. I love that security step. I'm a block you so I don't do it when I'm drunk. I mean, ooh, I've sent many a drunk messages. I have drunk voice mails.

Ooh, wait. No, no, no, no. I can't drunk down no more. I won't do it. I refuse. All right, well now thank you so much for being here. We've come to the end. Do you have anything that you want to promote?

Well, I just want to tell anybody out there who's interested to come see me at Jimmy Kimmel's or anyplace else to go on my website, heylunel.com. That's H-E-Y-L-U-E-N-E-L-L.com and see if I'm coming to a city near you or if you're coming to Las Vegas, you can purchase tickets there. And if you wanna follow any of my wacky antics, and they are wacky, you can go on my Instagram, which is just at Lunell, L-U-E-N-E-L-L. And if you haven't watched Lunell's Netflix special, watch that. Yes.

Go on YouTube, watch old clips. Lunell's been funny for a very, very, very fucking long time. Also, I asked all my guests this, and I've only skipped it a couple times. But would you date me? Would I date you? Uh huh. Yeah. And you want to know why? Why? Because when you did like this, uh huh. Your arm jiggle jiggle like mine.

I said, that's my bitch. Look at her arm. It's just like mine. So yeah, I would fucking date you, baby, for sure. Thank you. My little cousin, last time I saw her was swinging my fat on my arm. And I had to tell her, I was like, little girl, I don't have a problem with it.

I think this is funny. But if you do this to somebody else, you're gonna hurt their feelings. Yeah. And go to bed, shit, anyway. Yes, truly, go to bed. Get out of here. Get out of my face. Right.

Thank you so much for being here, Lanell. Bye, girls! Goodbye! If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you could like it, you could rate it, you could subscribe, you could give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty to whywon'tudatemepodcasts.gmail.com, hitting on me five stars on Apple podcasts. And if you write me something nasty to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com,

hitting on me, truly something nasty, nasty. I'll read it. Okay, this message says, I'm gay, but this would be our date. First, I'll pick you up in a convertible, a 1965 Mustang. That's nice because the other day I saw, nevermind. Anyway, I'll get out and I'll open the door for you. We'll go to Little Dom's for lasagna.

This is a Friday. They won't be out because I called ahead and bribed them. Ooh, smart. Then we'll cruise up the PCH, but only an hour into the journey, we'll blow a gasket and lose all the oil. Oh no, luckily Sonic the Hedgehog is flying up the PCH too and comes to our rescue.

After you've removed the top of the engine to expose the cylinders, we both strap dildos onto the top of the two cylinders. Engines are hot. Okay, we both climb on top and look into each other's eyes as Sonic fires up. Sonic is a child! Why are you? Why is Sonic watching? Oh my God, each thrust of the two cylinders

caused us both to orgasm and squirt uncontrollably, lubricating the engine, also sizzling us because engines are hot, allowing us to make it all the way back to your place. Sonic is impressed, he's a child, I hate this, by our ingenuity and he takes us both inside, no! And pounds the coins out of us. I have coins in my pussy. This is sick.

This is sick. I said dirty, but this is sick. After we both chill in bed, eating leftover little Dom's lasagna, while you call Sashir crying in joy about how you got railed mercilessly by a classic car in Sonic, listen, sir or madam, whoever wrote this, I have your name, so I think I know, whatever.

This, no, this, no, we can't be adding Sonic to the sex. Sonic is a child that I respect and love, and he got away from those little guys that are trying to kill the owl lady. No, he's been through too much, he doesn't need to see this. So here's to say, I need your dirty messages, but please don't include Sonic

unless Sonic is saying hello to me, and then that's it. That's it. Just a hello and speeding away, and then something happens. No, we're not doing this to Sonic. Well, that's it. Bye-bye! Oh! Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars.

It's executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with Talon Bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywon'tyoudatemepodcasts at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening! We'll see you next week with a brand new episode! Tee-doo-boop-boop-bop! Bye-bye! This has been a Team Coco production.