Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole's Figuring Out Her Sexuality (w/ Zainab Johnson)

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Zainab Johnson (Stand-up, HonesTEA with Z podcast) is here to answer all of Nicole's questions on the Muslim religion, what being "emotionally unavailable" means, and Nicole think she's finally figured out her sexuality. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? The podcast where I try to figure out why I'm so single even though I will put your balls in my mouth with no questions asked. Oh boy.

My guest today, she's so funny. She's one of the funniest stand-ups I've ever seen. And she's beautiful. Her skin is flawless. She did an episode of my show, Whistley Exactly Nicole, in the second season. She also has a podcast called Honesty with Z. Zainab Johnson! Hi!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I say your name correctly, yes? You say it perfect. Okay. Because when we were on set, our AD could not figure out how to say your name. And then would say it, and we'd be like, no. And then he would repeat it incorrectly and be like, well, what's wrong? Yeah, it's like, I've actually not had that problem a lot of times on TV sets.

It seems like on TV sets, they really try to get it. I think they understand that it's disrespectful. Yeah, like it's like just professional courtesy. It's like get the actor's name right. Yeah. It's a pretty name. Thank you. Is it does it mean anything?

It means it's an Arabic name. And so it can be translated to in English is an aromic tree or a father's precious gift. And my dad named me. So I kind of feel special. That's so sweet. Also, any like Islamic religion? Because it's a Muslim name. Are you Muslim?

Yes. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, because I don't cover up and I curse and I do all this shit. Can you Muslim? Yes. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, because I don't cover up and I curse and I do all the shit that you ain't supposed to. Can we curse? Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, please. I do everything non-Muslim, but I do everything Muslim in my life too. But anyway, there's like a story. There's like a story

that people feel like a religious story. It's like women, the Muslim women who have to cover up, it's because of Zainab. So it's a long story. I won like a women, the Muslim women who have to cover up. It's because of Zainab. So it's a long story. I won't bore you with it,

but no, so you're making all these women have to cover up. I'm a person. Can we talk about being Muslim? Of course we can. Yeah. I don't think I've ever, obviously I've met Muslim people.

Obviously I've talked to them, but I don't think I've ever talked to them in depth about it. Were you born? I was born Muslim, but my parents weren't. Oh, okay. So they converted. They converted. They were both born Christian. They converted apart from one another before they ever met. Oh, yeah. And then they met and they got married. And my mom was like a hippie, you know, like this is like they met in like the late 70s and she's like a hippie. And my dad is like this strict, like military guy who was like came from like a biracial home and, you know, really wanted to be pro black. And so he was like a part of the Nation of Islam and made my mom like really be a Muslim. Like, I think she was like teetering like that, like this.

But my mom was like my dad was like, you're going to do it. Do it. Yeah. You love me. You'll do. Yeah and and then we're all muslim all the kids are muslim i think it's interesting that there is such like a muslim islamic fear in america but i don't think people realize they interact with like muslims every day like there's some it's the biggest religion isn't it it's the fastest growing religion in the world um and it's it's it's a really it's it's the biggest religion, isn't it? It's the fastest growing religion in the world. And it's the second largest, I believe. Maybe not. It's probably Christian.

In the United States, it's probably Christianity, Judaism. I don't think so. No? I don't think there's a lot of Jewish people. Okay. Maybe they're just Jewish by culture. I don't know. It's always weird with Jewish people.

It's like, do you? They're like, no, we're Jewish by cult, but not by faith. And it's like, oh,ish people it's like do you like no we we're just we're jewish by cult like but not by faith and it's like oh i thought it was a religion i same okay so growing up i went to school with a lot of jewish me too so i thought they were just white kids so i thought some white people were christians and some white people were jewish people but now i've been told that, no, Jewish is an ethnicity and they aren't white people. And my mind still has a hard time wrapping its head around it. So I think you could say the same thing. Like, I think there's a certain group of people that believe that Muslim is culture based as well. You know, like you have to be from a certain part of the world to actually be Muslim.

But there it's a faith. It's a faith. It's you're asking somebody to believe in something. And so not to mention, I mean, you know, we the white man has lied about so many things. I tried to put on my black Israelite voice because I mean, you know, in like Hollywood and Highland in Harlem, there's like a group of like seven black guys who swear they're like the original Jews. Yes. Yes. What is that called? Black Israelites. Is it?

Yeah. Well, there's like black Israelites and then there's what, five percenters? Oh, five percenters Muslim. Oh, that is Muslim. Yes. Yes. Yes. But that's people who believe that they're five percent of God. So I met a guy who was a 5%-er, and I thought it, now this is how ignorant I am.

I was like, I don't know anything. I was like, does that mean you only practice 5% of the religion? And he was like, no, 5%-ers consider themselves to be able to unlock spiritually the 5% of understanding that the rest of us don't. And I was like, you might be right because I don't understand what you just said. Yeah, unlock my brain so I can understand just you. That's so, do you only date Muslim men? I was just about to say, I've never, I dated a Muslim guy once.

Once and his name was Muhammad. And my name is Zainab. And in the Quran, Zainab marries Muhammad. And so he just thought that it was like. Like it was it. Yeah. Like it was written. Yeah.

And I was like, no. I was like in college and, you know, really liking a guy named Kevin. Like, you know, it's like. Kevin? I was like, yeah. Like Kevin or Keith or some regular ass. But yeah, other than that, that was short-lived. I've never dated a Muslim guy. And I'm not, I don't, it would be ideal to marry a Muslim person.

But only when I think about children. Okay. I don't kind of worry about it because I feel like my parents raised me to be very open-minded. And like I took like a history of religion course when I was in college and that sort of opened up my mind to all the religions. So I'm never anywhere like, you can't believe this. It's like, practice what you practice. You're not hurting anybody, right? You're like a decent human being. I can get believe this. It's like, practice what you practice. You're not hurting anybody, right? You're like a decent human being.

I can get with that. I'd rather somebody who's a completely different faith than me, but be a great person, a nice person, have high morals than somebody who's like, I'm a Muslim. I'm a Christian, but I kill people. You know, like nobody wants that. No. And can I ask? Of course. Ask me anything.

Sorry. I'm just so interested. I don't think I've ever, I've never been in the space where I'm like, oh, I can ask all my Muslim questions. Also, I don't know the demographic of the people who listen to this. So this might be interesting for them. The women who cover up, is that just like a different level of Muslim or? No, I wouldn't say that it's a different level. Like I would never say that a woman just because she wears a jab believes more than I believe.

But I think it's just about what you want to do. It's about how you want to sort of practice. It's simply what it is. It's just a modesty thing. It's a modesty thing it's a modesty thing and i think also too like i'm not a married woman but i imagine that that might be a bit more imposed on a woman by the male in her life you know but it's all all religions are strict that's what's so interesting you know like everybody because because you know muslim

women some he some he jabs like you know the uh burka and stuff like that cover your complete face and things like that think that oh like muslims are these like oppressed women that but it's like no every those three books the torah the bible they say the same kind of the same things you know like you you're supposed to be modest in church, too. Yes, you are. But nobody does. Well, Christians, I feel like, a lot of Christians are very removed from, you know, the church and whatnot. Yeah.

And then there's a lot of women who, like, go to the club on Saturday, and you would never know they go to church on Sunday. Yeah. on Saturday, and you would never know they go to church on Sunday. So I think women who wear hijabs are just practicing their modesty at all times. Exactly. I wore hijab all the way up until I was like 14 years old. And I mean, I do wear it when, just out of respect, I wear it whenever I go to like the mosque, you know, I wear hijab. But I wore it every single day until I was 14. Was that, where did you grow up?

New York. Oh, so it wasn't hard? No. Nobody said shit? Oh, no, it was, yeah. Was it? Yeah, I went to school with mostly Jewish kids. Oh, okay.

And I was, there was never another, like, I imagine now you see more Muslim kids in school, but I was always the only Muslim girl in my class. Oh. Yeah, there was never, the only other, and then the other Muslim kids in school, but I was always the only Muslim girl in my class. Yeah, there was never, the only other Muslim kids in the school were my siblings. See, I would have thought that New York just had more. I think they do, but maybe just like, you know, I grew up in Harlem.

I used to be bused out of the neighborhood. Like I was in gifted and talented. So I didn't go to a school where the demographic looked like me at all. Like not only was I, I wasn't just the only Muslim, but at times I might have been one of two black kids in the class or something, you know? Interesting. I did not know that about you. I also grew up with just a bunch of white kids around i also just learned that hasidic jewish women wear wigs yeah oh yeah i did not know that not just hasidic because that's

it's hasidic and orthodox oh yes but yeah they wear wigs they have to shave their head yes yeah which is like another it's like modesty yeah but unlike us they get wigs that almost look exactly like their hair so you do i mean some of them look like why is it so stiff girl yeah get you a black friend get me to the beauty supply shop yes but some of them have like great wigs i was in tel aviv uh years and years and years and years ago which is apparently like the hair capital for Jewish women. And these wigs are expensive. Yeah. Thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. Yeah.

I think it's just it's really interesting what religions ask of you. Which I think is sort of the same thing. Like if you think about it, a Jewish woman covering her hair is the same as a Muslim woman. Yes. Covering her hair. Absolutely. In a muslim woman yes covering her hair absolutely in a in a different it's it's almost like they're like well we'll cover it in this way and we still fit like in normal society you can't identify us easily you know yes um and i imagine

their history probably has something to do with that you know um and muslim women it's not the same it's like this is these are this is the way we cover up. And I think now with the trend of the headscarf, like who can tell? Yes, who fucking knows? I do love a headscarf. I did not like them growing up. I did not like having to wrap my hair up at night because I would go to sleepovers. My little white friends didn't have to do anything like that.

And growing up, I think I spent a lot of time being like, I'm not different. I'm just like you. And the older I get, the more I embrace the differences, the more I'm like, I want to be different. I like to look a little, I'm wearing leopard print pants and little vans with fire flames on them because I like it. I like mixing patterns. I like to not look like everybody else now. Yeah. But growing up, I truly just wanted to not stand out because my skin made me stand out so much. Yeah. Do you like to date men of the same ethnicity or different ethnicity? Does it matter? I don't care.

I don't care at this point. Like I find myself attracted to all different types of men and I'm more so interested in how they treat me. Like, you know, you could be fine and shit, but if you, you could be fine and shit and you could be black and you could, if you say like, I don't eat vegetables, I'm like, I can't date him. You know?

I can't date him. I found myself. Yeah, like, you know, books are stupid. Like, I just, I won't be able to date you. I found myself maybe like three years ago at this point dating a guy who was white Mormon Republican. Whoa. How on earth did you meet? We actually met on Tinder.

All right. But, so I've never actually dated on Tinder before. The show asked me to do a piece for them. Like a relationship show asked me to do a piece. And so I had to sign up for Tinder. And they wanted to see like, oh, is Tinder what everybody's saying it is? And so I was like, first of all, it was too much work for me. It's like everybody wanted to talk all the time.

And you had to like let them know you'd be right back. And I was like, I don't have time for this, right? So I taped this show. And there were two guys of like the 40 different guys and couples that I was talking to. Because people try and swing. There's a lot of couples out there who are like, we're just looking for a playmate. Yeah. Like, ugh.

So there were like maybe two guys that I was really like genuinely enjoying the conversation. He was one of them. And then there was another guy who I knew I could never date. I think he was just like gay and didn't know. Sure. You know? And I'm like, you're great, but you don't like women. You got a secret. Yeah. That you got to share and I'm like, you're great, but you don't like women. You got a secret.

Yeah. That you got to share with yourself. Yeah, exactly. And so when I taped this show, I did not, but I realized while I was taping the show that their sort of angle was to make fun of the people who date on Tinder. It wasn't, like the pitch meeting was like different. The pitch meeting, like all the female producers, like the pitch meeting was like different. The pitch meeting, like all the female producers

were like, maybe you'll find love. And the guys was like, well, maybe he'll show up with a rocket. And you know, like the guys wanted like the weirdest things

and the women were like, worst case, you're fine, you're a soulmate, you know? So when I realized that, because I was having these like legitimate conversations

with these two guys, I was like, I'm not going to include them in on this. I shoot the show. As soon as we wrap, I delete Tinder. Yes. I undo my – Goodbye. Yeah, goodbye. I even reset my phone to the factory settings because I wasn't sure.

I wanted to make sure it was going. That is so thorough. That's how I was like, let me just make sure this is off. And a friend of mine was like, what happened to the guy was like oh i didn't tell him i was like but i mean he knows my name if he really wants to date me he can find me on social media so like a couple of weeks passed and i noticed that he like liked a bunch of my instagram pictures oh and i told my friend i'm like he liked a bunch of my pictures he He was like, oh, he wants to date you. I was like, no, he wants to like a lot of my Instagram pictures. So then a girl that I know, she was like, have you checked your Instagram DMs?

I sent you something. And I was like, oh, no. And so I checked it. And you know how you can have a lot of requests. And if you don't follow, it doesn't let you know that you have these requests. No, you have to like go to a different page and the only reason why I did that was because her thing wasn't coming through

so I was looking for her and realized he had sent me these messages weeks back and we talked as soon as I responded to him I apologized I was like I was dating for a show and you know just doing a piece for a show and I apologized and he was like,

oh, so was it all fake? And I was like, well, no, if it was all fake, I would not feel the need to even respond to your message. I genuinely enjoyed conversing with you. But I just, you know, that's just what it is. And he was like, OK, well, if you're open to it, I would still love to like meet you for drinks or take you to dinner. And then that happened. We met for drinks really like briefly. Then he asked me to dinner after that. We went to dinner and then we dated for a little while. Wow. Yeah.

How long did you date? Maybe like four months. Wow. Yeah. That's like a good chunk of time for truly just talking to someone on a whim. Yeah. And then after that, there were were there were definitely some cultural differences yes he's a mormon white guy who's a republican yeah but even just like i would be speaking

passionately and he would be like calm down you're being aggressive and i'm like if you only knew truly if i aggressive, you would be dead. hostile or whatever i was called a bitch once because i spoke my mind on something with a bunch of executives and then my rep my rep my manager told me that i should apologize because i came off as a little mean and i said a bitch and he went your words not mine and i said sure so i emailed i was like if you felt that i was coming across a certain type of way it's because i felt x y and z and just reiterated what i was saying and I was like I'm not a bitch because I know what I'm talking about and I know what I want assertive yes bitch no rude no it's yes but yeah so we had those things and I'm I'm one of those like I I speak my mind usually I'm pretty mellow like my energy is pretty

mellow and but so energy is pretty mellow. And but so sometimes I can get away with saying like certain things, but because my tone is a bit chill, you know, you know. But I remember on the first date when he told me he was a Mormon Republican, but he was also adopted. Like he had a lot going on. I was like, wait, Mormons are the ones that think black people are aliens, right? Because, I mean, how can we have a relationship if I don't? I've never heard of that. Oh, really?

No. Yes. Mormons think black people are aliens? Yeah. Who came down to earth and said, please enslave us? Yes. It was, I don't know. I mean, I'm sure it was.

I'm sure I worded it very loosely. But I just said, I what? Like, I mean, this is who I am. So if this is the first date, if you have a problem with this, then this is, you know, you find out early. I cannot deal with this woman. Anywho, we dated for like a couple of months, months. And then after I got it, maybe a couple of months after that, he tried to like date me again. And I was over, I was like newly in a relationship. And so he's like, hey, you want to, he actually texted me and said, hey, I was like, hey. And he was like, the universe told me, he said, I've been thinking about you and the universe told me to like reach out to you.

And I said, oh, don't listen to the universe. That bitch be lying. told me to like reach out to you and I said oh don't listen to the universe that bitch be lying and he did not you know how you don't know how to respond to that he didn't text back for like 45 minutes oh I love it and then he must have got like coaching from his friend or something like that and then text back laugh out loud I'm like you need to help with a laugh out loud so then he was like you know I if you're to it, I would like to like meet for drinks or whatever. And we went to this restaurant that I really wanted to try because you ain't going to waste my time. I don't know what you're trying to do.

And he was like talking to me and I was like, wait, like at the table. I was like, wait, are you are you are you trying to like rekindle something? And he was like, oh, because I said something about the guy that I was seeing because I thought we were catching up. And he said, oh, well, that sucks for me. And I was like, wait, what? Yeah, I was like, were you trying to rekindle? And he was like, yeah.

I was like, oh, okay, well, sorry. Yeah. I don't know if I would have done it even if I wasn't in a relationship because I'm not the go backwards type of person. Fair. Can I ask how it ended before you went out again? So why did you stop dating the first time? It was like a miscommunication that got really sort of just out of hand.

And it was just kind of like I used to do this relationship podcast and I vented about this situation. And he was an avid listener. And at first, at first he liked listening because I had very positive things to say about him. But this episode, after he pissed me off and I needed my co-host was a guy. So I just needed a guy. I needed to know if I was bugging so I'm on this podcast like and he said he's gonna stay with his neighbor and I'm thinking this is really literally the conversation I'm like he said he was gonna stay with his neighbor

and I'm thinking a neighbor if you live in an apartment building is somebody that lives in your apartment his neighbor is like a few miles away. Is that a neighbor? Like, you know, my my guy friend was like, I mean, that's not a neighbor to me, but maybe that's a neighbor. Anyhow, I'm just like venting my frustrations on the podcast because last time I vented my frustration to him, he told me I was being aggressive. So I took it to the podcast. So if you think this is aggressive, I will talk to somebody else.

And you can listen to it. Yes. And so then after that, it just like slowly like just, you know, just fizzled out. Faded away, yes. Yeah. So that's your only dating on like online date. Oh, wait. First, we should take a break.

Dating on like online date. Oh, wait. First, we should take a break. And now we're back. OK, is that your only Tinder Bumble online dating? I went I went on one other and I can't remember which website it was. Maybe it was match.com or something like that. And this was shortly after because this was in between.

Because that one didn't go so bad, I was like, well, let me try. And a friend of mine is like an avid online dater. And I went out with this guy. He didn't really look anything like his. Oh, no. Was he like uglier and fatter? He looked exactly like his oh no was he like uglier and fatter he he he looked exactly like his picture but it was like he post like his pictures were like the best version of yes okay you know and he was so polite um and i knew the moment that we sat down that i was not going to and i didn't have the heart to just say, you know what, let's just not.

So I just sat there and smiled and allowed him to enjoy himself because I'm great. Allowed him to enjoy himself? By just being in your presence. Yeah, so now you know what it's like to deal with me. Takes a certain type of guy. I love it. It takes a certain type of God. I love it. And then I just walked through, like, he was like, you know, I would love to, because up until our date, we only communicated through the app.

And so at the end of the date, I think he felt like, well, if it goes well, you would give me your real number. And if he hears this, he might be a listener. It's fine i gave it to him only because i am so confident in my block button on my iphone i knew you know i didn't have the heart to tell him no it's i don't even know if it's a politeness thing or just a conditioned woman thing yeah where where you just feel the need to just give someone your number and sit through a fucking day yeah even though you don't want to because I've done that before yeah you know what I didn't want to you see how I'm saying like oh he was nice

and but I just wasn't attracted to him yeah and like none of his niceness could change that and I felt a bit shallow and so I don't think that's a shallow thing because when you first meet someone you either are attracted to them and like I want to be their friend or like oh I want to date them or you're like this person is not for me and I think that's that's okay. I don't think it's a shallow thing because I don't think it's at face value. I think when you meet someone, you get their energy, you get what they're bringing to the table

almost immediately. And people always put their best foot forward. So if you're not into that best foot, then the other foot is probably going to be bad. Yeah, that's a great way to put it. Right? Yeah, that's a great way to put it. yeah that's a great way to put it yeah people are on their best behavior the moment you meet them so if you meet someone you're like oh yeah well no well now i don't feel bad at all don't don't never feel bad i say never feel bad about how you treat a man unless you kill him

and then like feel bad because like that's bad you kill somebody you gotta go to jail right exactly very bad um so are you in a relationship now no the way you answered that i thought you were gonna say yes it looked like you were nodding yes yeah uh no no uh are you looking to be in a relationship or are you just chilling? I like a guy that, the way my friend put it, she said he doesn't like you enough. Okay. I really like him. My relationship ended at the end of last year. And we had a little bit of lingering. We had a little bit of like lingering, like, you know, just.

And so that's probably stopped in the past like two months, like no conversation, no connecting anything. And this guy, I've been sort of hanging out with him a little bit. And he told me, he said that he was hesitant to date me. Okay. And he said that he was emotionally unavailable okay um and i i know he likes me i think he likes me a lot but my friend said well not enough to give you what you want so i think your friend is right yeah and i think my friend's mom said, men don't lie. Men tell you exactly what they mean. And I think him saying he's emotionally unavailable, I think he's telling you that he's not available for you, which sucks. That's the thing that you hear and you're like, why? Why not? Why? Why not? Because it makes you feel like it almost makes you feel like you're doing something wrong.

It makes you feel like you're not enough. It's like, why? What do you mean you're not emotional? And then emotionally available. See, like because I like I said, I get right to the point. So like what is emotionally available, unavailable me? Does that mean you're actually in a relationship? Does that mean you're actually in a relationship? Yes. Well, he's not going to say that. He'll never say that. He'll never say, I have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. I'm in a relationship.

Yeah, does emotionally unavailable mean like I just don't want to connect with you? I have no desire to. Well, he said that the type of relationship that he knows that he would have with me or that a person should have with me, he can't do that right now. That's so frustrating. That's for the, get the, anywho. Right, yes. But, so the issue for me is we've tried to be friends. And I really enjoy his friendship,

but that only makes me like him more. I think you got to... Well, you've had no interaction the last couple months. I think that's how you got to... Oh, no, we've had... Oh, you have? Yeah, I've interacted with him

in the past two weeks. You shouldn't. But I realized at the end of the last in-person interaction, and I've never done anything with this guy. But I realized, I was like, at the end of our, at the end, whenever we hang out, at the end of it, I'm thinking, is he going to kiss me or not? And that's, I never, the men who are truly my friend, that is, I'm never. Never crosses your mind.

If that crossed my mind, I'm going to be like, ugh, ugh, ugh, you know? So. I dated this guy for a little bit. And then we fizzled out. He said that he wanted to concentrate on things in his life that did not include me. And then we, like, kept texting. And then I made the choice. I was like, I'm going to tell him that I've been thinking about him in a way that I'd like to start dating again.

And then he was like, oh, I have a girlfriend. And I was like, but I thought you were constantly. OK. And then he recently texted to be like, you're really crushing it. I watched this show that you were on and you're just so funny. And then we started talking again. And I really wanted to say say why did you text me that why did you think I needed to know your thoughts and your feelings about something that has nothing

to do with you you did that so I would think about you again and then like ask to date you again so then you would feel great and then be able to turn me down again was that your master plan because you've made me feel crazy and but i didn't say anything of course of course i said and i should have been like new number who's this or like something to be like you're a piece of shit yeah but instead i like talked to him and then we talked for a little bit we talked for a couple days and then faded away yeah because he doesn't want me and i don't understand why yeah obviously there's something about me that keeps you around. You watched a whole series that I did. Have you had him on your podcast?

No, but I'm going to. Yeah, and then you can ask him. Yeah. What is it? What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah. Truly, because, like... I can imagine that you're a bit intimidating, Nicole, though.

I can imagine that. Yes. I don't know who this guy bit intimidating, Nicole, though. I can imagine that. Yes. I don't know who this guy is or what type of guy. Like, forget your personality because you have a large personality, which I think is great, though. And you are not shy about all the dicks that you want to, like, guzzle down. I love them. Yeah. And I think that, like, me, I'm like a prude.

I'm like, dick, huh? What's that? You mean penis? You know? Love them. Yeah. And I think that, like, me, I'm like a prude. I'm like, dick, huh? What's that? You mean penis? You know, like, I'm totally shouldn't be attractive. Or people shouldn't like me, rather. But you have, you're successful. You are confident.

You're strong. You are, you know what I'm saying? You're all of these things. And publicly. You know, there's a lot of women who have a lot going on for themselves, but nobody knows about it besides her partner and her going to be a bit a story. I am I will be public, you know, like what I do will be. Yeah. And that takes a really secure person. And I'm finding out that a lot of guys aren't secure. It is insane that we've been fed a lie that men are like providers and they're strong and they're secure. And it's like, no.

Men are little itty bitty babies who can't barely figure out how to fend for themselves. And they are so fucking insecure especially in comedy the longer i do comedy the more i find out that men in comedy specifically don't want to give you your due they don't want to say you're funny just funny they want to say you're funny for a girl or they want to date a non-comedian who worships the ground they walk on and i don't think i could ever date a stand-up specifically because I'm not doing that. I don't give a shit.

Like, we're successful in our own rights. We're funny in our own ways. I can't, I'm not going to suck your dick all day long and tell you that you're good and you're worthy and you're funny and whatnot. But yeah, like, anytime I go up at the improv and there's a male comic who is more successful than me,

I'll get off stage and I'll like grab my bag or whatever and they'll be like, hey, wow, you're really funny for a girl

or they'll just be like, wow, you're really funny and I'm like, you've seen me before, we've met before. I don't need your validation. I can't believe

another comedian is still in 2018 saying you're really funny for a girl all the time all the time it's so and or you'll be on lineups where you're like the only girl all the time oh that's a laugh factory i had one guy bring me up he was like oh boy this little lady she's just she's so cute and she's funny. And I was like, cute. And then he's, oh, and then he said, we're going to get a dose of estrogen.

Welcome to the stage, Miss Nicole. I was like, you found a way to like, like feminize every part. Like you put a miss in front of my name. You said estrogen, the shit that's up in my body. You said I was cute and funny i was floored and then started my set in a hole because i was like yep a lady's on stage i'm gonna mop the floor i was just so angry and then you know i'm bleeding yeah my fucking period fell out on the floor well i'm slipping in it and then you know you to do a fucking half hour because no one lights you correctly at the laugh factory.

Oh, yeah. I just being a lady in comedy. It's hard. Do you find it hard? Yes, I do. But I don't. I do. I definitely do.

But I try not to think about it. I don't know if that's like a naive thing to say. No. But it's like I kind of find it a bit difficult to be a lady in the world sure yeah so comedy is just a subset of this like fucked up ass place that we live in you know and so I just it's like I mean I get people all the time like people in the audience like they'll start out with yo I never I usually girls ain't funny it's like sir you've where are we going with this where are we going why are you saying this

yeah well I don't know what to do I don't know if I should rally for all the other women that I know that are funny should I just be polite and say that like should I be flattered like I don't know I've started saying oh yeah there's tons of women who are funny if you just go on YouTube and type in my name you'll get a whole slew of other women who are hilarious yeah really I'm like do you not know how YouTube works they'll give you a bunch of suggested videos yeah have you ever fucked an audience member or like a Bucklefucker? No. Fuck no. I had one. I did start dating, but nothing happened. A guy, I was performing at the comedy store.

But this guy's an actor. I won't say, I will not say his name. Okay. But this guy's like an actor, like a known working actor. And he sent somebody else up, like DM'd me and was like hey do you know um so and so and i was like i was like who's that and the person was laughed out loud because they're like if he only knew that you did not know who he was um and so then he was like you know this guy and i said oh from that show okay it was like oh he likes you and i was like okay sure you can give him my number

and we went out like a couple of times but that's it he probably loved that you didn't initially know who he was I don't know if the guy ever told him okay probably yeah and I'm sure he was like hard he was like oh she doesn't know me I gotta prove to her why people know me oh that's oh i love that but no i don't i i don't think that people would even approach me after i i don't think a guy is gonna ask me out once he after he sees me on stage i just i think you're just so funny i mean thank you and i agree but i was in el paso uh like i don't know a month or so ago and these two guys the entire audience El Paso is Mexico basically

so the entire audience was like Spanish and then there was these two big ass black guys and I was like where do you live in this geographic space and they was like

oh we here to see you the one guy said oh I'm here to see you and I said well well, okay. Then his friend said, yeah, we here to see you. And I was like, sir, that sounds like a gang rape. Okay, you should stop. I was like, your friend beat you to it.

You got to just let him have it. You're tagging along. Yeah. Less aggressive. Yeah, you think I'm going to be like, well, what are we doing after? And then after the show, they came up to me and was like, so what are you doing? Like, where are you staying? And I was like, mm-mm.

You know? But no, I don't. I don't. I don't date chuckle fuckers. Okay. That's. Or fuck chuckle fuckers. Fuck chuckle fucks.

Yeah. Fuck chuckle fucks. That's aggressive to come up and be like, where are you doing? Where are you staying? What's going on? Yeah. I don't. Traveling alone as a black woman just in this country is scary enough without someone hounding

you as to what you're doing later, where you're staying. I don't like that. That's not. Yeah. But I also, too, I need to really like you I am not I am totally like a liberated person sexually but I cannot have sex with a person I'm not connected to and so I don't care how attractive you are I don't care how attractive I may be to you I don't care what you have what you do if I don't like I gotta almost love you to want to do it to you that's just me I just learned because Janelle Monáe just came out

as pansexual yes and I just learned that pansexuality is loving someone regardless of gender but also having a connection with them okay I'm not pansexual no but I was like where does that fall for like heterosexuality or homosexuality why is pansexual essentially oh people are probably gonna get mad if I say this but like to me pansexuality seems like bisexuality just with a little addition that's like yeah like we have to connect. And maybe I got it wrong. Maybe I wasn't really understanding what was being said. But that's what it seemed like to me.

But then I'm like, what about heterosexual people? Because there's a ton of people who identify as straight or heterosexual or whatever. Who only have sex when there's like a deep connection. Or date someone when there's a deep connection. I guess that's monogamous, but that's just like having one partner. Like a serial monogamous? I don't know. No, because a serial monogamous is just having one partner.

Like that's just your, you know, pattern. I don't, you know what, Nicole? I don't even care. I'm like, I don't need anything. Like I know who I, you don't have to, you don't have to put any word, any prefix in this sexual, but you know,

like I'm just, I just operate the way I operate. And that's just it. You want to give it a name. Cool. But if you, if it doesn't have a name, like,

you know, I, yeah, I guess I'm just curious because everything else has a name. So I'm like, why doesn't this have a name? Yeah. I don't know. But I also, no, I guess I'm just curious because everything else has a name. So I'm like, why doesn't this have a name? Yeah. I don't know. Marriage?

No, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I'm of the school of like, I, I'm attracted to everybody. I will fuck anybody once. I'm Samantha Jones on Sex and the City said she's trisexual. She'll try anything once. That's how I feel about me. But I don't want to be pansexual.

I don't want to be bisexual. I don't want to be. I just want to be me and live. But you have sex with women? I've had sex with women in the past. And I'm open to it in the future. I just don't want to limit. And I'm not generally. I don't walk in the streets like, ooh, that lady's hot.

Sometimes I'll be like, oh, she's so pretty. I bet her arms are smooth. And that's as far as the thoughts go for me. I think with women, I have to speak to the woman and get a feel. Before, whereas men, I can look at men and be like, ooh, daddy. Ooh, if only so I guess I'm pansexual with women and straight I don't know

I don't know I just I for a long time was like I'm a straight lady and I love dicks but then I like had sex with a woman and I liked it and then I said why would I close a door to something who knows I might meet a woman and she might be the love of my woman and I liked it and then I said why would I close a door to something who knows

I might meet a woman and she might be the love of my life and I just closed that door and it's not going to happen because I just closed the door so I keep the doors open for everybody yeah because I think for me

I think I could fall in love with anything anything anybody you know I could fall in love with anything. Anything, anybody. You know, I can fall in love with a book, a lamp, a shelf. I guess, especially now, I just subscribe to each his own. I really, really believe whatever you want to do, do it as long as it's not hurting anybody you know like you know like i don't like he he murders you after he sexes you like no like or or whatever you know as long as like it's making you happy and it's allowing you to vibrate in the world positively then i'm i'm with it i like that vibrate in the world yeah yeah then I'm with it. I like that. Vibrate in the world.

Yeah, I used to have a lot of things that were on my list. I'd be like, he needs to be taller than me. He needs to be a little bit bigger than me. He needs a lot of physical attributes. But the older I get, the more I'm financially stable, down to have fun, and treats me nice like I don't think treats me nice ever crossed my mind up until like last year yeah because for like

three years I had this on and off again thing with this man who literally treated me like a cum dumpster he would call me when he needed me and And if I needed him, he was just not there. And after that ended, I just like had a moment in therapy where I was like, I think I want a man who's nice. Who's nice to me. Who maybe is just nice. It treats me well. And is nice. Yeah.

She was like, yes. How did it end with him? Did you just wake up one day and was like, okay did it end with with him like did you have to did you just wake up one day and was like okay i've had enough so he started dating a girl so we i after like two years the two-year point hit and i said to him i was like i want to be in a relationship i want to date i want to like go out more and like not just fuck and just like be together like normal people. He said, great. Okay.

And it was good. We were texting all the time. We hung out. And I had to go to New York for a job and I was going to be in New York for a month. And I didn't like the job at the time. And I said to him, I said, will you come visit me in New York? He said, absolutely. I was like

this is happening I have a boy who's coming to see me and it's great and he like really seems to care about me and it hasn't been all in my head and he does like me and then uh I was like can you tell me the dates that you're coming he tells me the dates and I said give me your like age birthday blah blah because I was going to buy his fucking ticket. And then he says, actually, I can't come. I'm working on my album. The last two weeks I'm in New York. The texts are slowing down.

We're not communicating as often. I get back to L.A. and I say, we're not talking as much. What is happening? He said, I met somebody and we're dating. And I said, why would you do that if we were dating? And he's like, I'm really sorry. And then he moved in with that girl. And then he moved away from L.A.

And then he moved back and then started contacting me. And I was like, well, maybe this will be good. And then we, like, fucked again. And then more time passed where he just was not reachable and i would text him and nothing and then a couple months ago he texted me and then i texted him back i was like i can't do this anymore we can't have sex anymore we can be friends which i did not mean and i was like i just can't let you hurt me anymore because that's what you've been doing and he said i don't understand where you're coming from so then i listed bullet points all the things he had done to me over the

years and i said and i just can't accept this anymore it was okay for a while but now it's not and then he was like i'm really sorry we should go out for coffee i owe you an apology i want to explain myself on some of these things and I was like sure knowing full well that he would not follow through on it and we set a date and he cancelled and I have not talked to him since and sometimes I really and he stopped posting on social media

so I don't I legit don't know what he is doing anymore and I don't know but like I really really cared about him deeply and he did not give two shits about me but that's

that's the way it goes but we do have to wrap this up do you have anything you want to plug well you said it at the beginning but I would really love people to listen to my podcast, which is Honest Tea with Z. It's on iTunes and SoundCloud and

anywhere where there's podcasts, I believe. And check out my website, which is ZainabJohnson.com. And you guys can see, like, I'm always on the road. And so you can see when I'm coming to a city near you. So check it out. Oh, no, go. And on social media, I am at Zainab Johnson, Z-A-I-N-A-B Johnson. So check me out. Yes, please follow her on Instagram so you can see this beautiful skin I was talking about in the beginning.

She looks incredible. Also, if you do get a chance to see her in person, you should go. Zainab is so funny. And not to plug my show, but she plays a stripper in this episode. And we wrote it in the room. And the way you did it was how we wrote it.

It was just so perfect. Oh, good. So perfect. Thank you. I had so much fun doing it. My God. And you guys made me look so pretty when I watched it. I was like, oh, you're cute.

You looked gorgeous. And then you were just so fucking funny. Oh, thank you. Oh, boy. What a treat boy what a treat thank you for thank you for having me and if you liked this episode and you like my podcast please write and subscribe it on itunes or wherever you're listening to podcasts and if you if you uh hit on me or say something nasty i will read it on the podcast. So Peggy Suss, she said, from big lady to big lady, I just want to smush our big slippery bodies together. Nicole,

will you have a three-way with me, please? Let's see. Okay, Booch12 said, maybe I'm just a person can calm an extrovert down. Oh, maybe I'm just a person can calm an extrovert down. Oh, maybe I'm just a person that can calm an extrovert down. Nicole, if I wasn't gay, I'd ask to slap my head between your breasts in a sexual way.

And then a lot of people have said, I wish I could say something nasty, but I just can't, which is very funny um let's see like yes spotify yes said very funny can relate to your issues don't have anything crazy sexual to say so i'm sorry which i think is so adorable okay thank you bye This has been a Team Coco production.