Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole's finally on Raya! (w/ Eliza Skinner)

Episode Date: April 6, 2018

With the help from Eliza Skinner (The Late Late with James Corden, Drop The Mic) Nicole is finally on Raya! They discuss what the exclusive dating platform is like, and if they would ever date their own fans. Nicole also admits her love for shoplifting to her Tinder matches. Does it work? The answer may not surprise you.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyAnd finally, check out Loosely Exactly Nicole on Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/looselyexactlynicole/

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Please tell me why. Oh boy. I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? And I'm trying to figure out why I'm so single, even though I'll eat your booty. My guest today, oh boy, she's very, very funny. She wrote for James Corden and now she's currently the head writer of Drop the Mic on TBS and she's written for so many things and she does stand-up and she's so funny. Eliza Skinner! Me!

Pew, pew, pew, pew! Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! Oh, Eliza, thank you so much for doing this. Thank you so much for having me. It's a real treat. We talk about online dating and just dating in general and how men are trash all the time. Yep. So it's nice to have it on the record that we both think men are trash and terrible. Invite the world into the conversation.

So you, you're currently single, yes? Yes. And you online date, right? No. No? No? In theory Yes. And you online date, right? No. No? In theory. In theory, I online date. But it just, so I got rid of the, you know, I've gone from at points having all of the apps.

And now I'm down to just one. I got rid of Tinder, got rid of Bumble. Tinder got rid of Bumble. Too many guys on Bumble were like trying to teach me how to be, you know, better at feminism, social justice and music choices. Like I was just like,

I don't need your lessons. I'm done. It's so much, so much daddying. And then on Tinder, I got screenshotted twice and put on Twitter, people being like, Oh my God, look who I found. And I'm like, I'm screenshotted twice. Oh, no. And put on Twitter, people being like, oh, my God, look who I found. And I'm like, I'm not that kind of famous. I didn't sign up for that.

That sucks. Yeah. So I was like, well, I don't want to do this. It's almost like shaming you for being single and actively looking. Yeah. Well, it's also, I think that people think when you come up on their phone, you actually were like, ding dong. Do you want to date me? Because like, no, I didn't. No, not at all all i just happened to have shown up in your feed yeah i tried that's happened once to me

and i messaged the person i was like do you mind taking this down and the same has happened with like stand-up sets i mean i guess it's different where like someone has taken a clip and like put it on youtube and i'm like oh you don't understand that if I haven't released it myself, it's still a work in progress. And it's kind of like a dating profile. If I'm not taken, I'm still a work in progress. You need that sweatshirt. And oh, yeah, I even re-signed up for it when I was traveling because my friends have been like, yo, when you're in England, it's going to be different.

Was it different was it good no no it wasn't it was exactly the same uh i did i had a couple guys sending me delightful gifs which that was cute okay um but that also might have been like just the trend and i had been away from tinder that long and uh i do think it is a trend now for men to send gifs there we go because they're, I'm cute and quirky. Do you want to talk to me? Yeah. When I had left, it was, hey, I'm taking this seriously.

And so now I guess it's, who needs to? I've never had anyone say that they were taking this seriously. Well, not like say that, but have that attitude. That like, so tell me about you. Like, whatever. I want to read to you a couple of Tinder conversations that I've had. Oh, God. So this man, Spencer, who I guess I shouldn't say his name. I mean, who cares?

He's like not cute to me. Oh, no. I hope he doesn't listen to this. Wait, what are you doing? I have a theory why he won't date you. Well, I didn't say it to his face. And there's a hundred Spencers, maybe millions of Spencers in LA. Okay.

But this one's 26, and I won't say where he went to school. Just give his phone number at this point. Well, it's Tinder. I don't have his phone number. He said, hey, Nicole, you have the prettiest smile I've seen this year. What do you like to do for fun and for whatever reason someone's saying i have the prettiest smile they've seen all year that's a lie that's a flat out lie you saw a baby at some point you saw like a like a gorgeous supermodel at some point it feels like not only a such a lie that it's clearly a line.

Yes! And I don't, I'm not really mad at people cutting and pasting lines because I'm like, I've heard women get really upset about that and I'm like, they don't know me yet. If I have a conversation with them and they see undeniably how awesome I am

and then still like try to cut, paste stuff with me, well then sure I would be offended. But I'm nobody to cut paste stuff with me. Well, then that, sure, I would be offended. But I'm nobody to them at the first line. Yeah, it is the first line. I am nobody to him. I'm just mad it's a lie. He could have said, I really love your smile. Like, it's a beautiful smile.

Not the prettiest smile you've seen all year. And I know I'm being very petty. No, but I think that's a good thing to note. Lied off the first line. Yes. I don't trust you now. That's how we're going to find this guy. Yeah.

So I lied back to him. Well, I didn't lie. I was just very. He said, what do you like to do for fun? So I said, thank you for the prettiest smile. And then I said, I love shoplifting, which is true, but an insane thing to say to someone in a first message. I was trying to match his insanity. So then he said, what's the best thing you've ever shoplifted?

And if someone said to me, I love shoplifting, I'd be like, um, you're a criminal. But I'm interested? I don't know. I would have addressed it. So then I said, purses, very expensive ones. In my heyday, I love stealing coach bags. And then he said, nice nice so what's the craziest shit you've ever done i said um probsies stealing a car or snorting meth how about you

i stole a car once when i was in college and i accidentally snorted meth once so they're all truths but i was like if i'm gonna say something wild like you have to acknowledge it yeah so he acknowledged it by not messaging me after that well good so spencer bye bye and then let's see i matched with this guy name i guess i shouldn't say the names his name is dairy and he said your t-shirt is a purple penis eater because i'm holding a penis and wearing a monster shirt. I'll show it to you in a little bit. And I said, it is. And he said, where's that Christmas tree?

Because another picture is with a Christmas tree. Oh, he's like, look, I look at pictures. Oh, I'm an idiot. I'm now rereading this. And I like literally. OK. Did you write back to him accidentally? No.

So he said, where's the christmas tree i said michigan then i said dari where are you from he said new york via maine i guess you're i assume you're from michigan and i was like ew why michigan not thinking i had just told him that i had taken a picture of michigan and he goes oh because of the tree i was like that's so weird that picture was taken at a wedding in michigan now i understand why he didn't respond back to me because now i sound crazy you sound insane or just texting 18 million other people at the same time that's what it was i was texting a whole bunch of people yeah that's always that's always flattering when i when i get a text and i'm like, oh, you are definitely texting other people right now.

Definitely was. And I guess now I feel bad. Oh, well. Yeah, when I signed back on in England, as people had told me to, a dude came at me through my fan page on Facebook. He was like, I just saw you on Tinder. Sorry, I know this is a bit cheeky

but did you go out you went no oh i would have oh no if anyone said cheeky to me in a message i'd be like well yeah i guess i have to suck your dick i don't want to go out with a fan no i okay fans never want to go out with me. I don't even know if I have fans. Well, here's the thing. It's not that I don't want to go out with the concept of a fan. It's every fan who I've ever met who did want to go out with me is like, imagine a vampire who collects trains and coloring books for adults. That's the guy who comes up to me. Honestly, I could color with a vampire. Like, I'm okay with it. Yeah, no. I've just gotten to

a point in my life where I'm like, I'll do anything. I'll try any man. And I think that's called desperation. And my mother used to say men can smell desperation. Yeah, everybody can. So I'm just stinky. I rake of desperation. So, so okay you're not on tinder anymore

so you're on raya and i've mentioned raya before on this show and if you are just listening right now raya is a dating app for that's like very exclusive it was supposed to be for creatives quote-unquote yes but it's just a lot of like Instagram models and photographers. Yep. Because I'm finally on it. I was waitlisted for three years. How'd you get on it, Nicole? I got on it because my friend, Eliza Skinner, knew how badly I wanted to be amongst the

beautiful people. And what was it? They emailed you? Yeah. They were like, you have one friend you got one friend in for free which is like no questions asked just anybody you tell us and i was like okay nicole which is bananas and it's also bananas because i was told the criteria to getting on was having like a large instagram following yeah that, well, but I know people who have like no, the criteria I was told was like having, not necessarily famous, but like.

Credits. Yeah, having credits, having some kind of substantial career. Yes. And three years ago I was doing pretty okay. For sure. Or maybe it was two years ago. I don't remember. I don't even know how long the thing's been around.

It's been more than a year. That's all I know. It's not as old as Girl Code. No. So. No. And that's where I got all my followers from. And I've been working pretty consistently since.

And I was like, why won't they let me on? And my roommate who was on SNL and has a decent career has way less Instagram followers. And I was like, so this isn't a follower thing. What is it? And then I was like, I think it's racism! I think I'm too fat and too black! Also, I've not seen any fat people and I haven't seen any black people.

Oh, I've seen heavy dudes. Really? Oh, well... And black dudes. Tons of black dudes. Really? They only let me swipe a couple times a day oh yeah you get to the end of it i've done i've gotten there where it's like we're fostering a community yeah and i was like what fucking community you just showed me someone in australia like what are you doing that's what i show them all to me that's what i hate that you're supposed to be like a jet setter and date some dude in denmark no thank you i don't want that at one

time i accidentally swiped on a guy in Hong Kong and he wrote back to me, which also people in Raya, like tons of them don't write back. Myself included. It's awful. And one guy like immediately wrote me and was like, hi, you've swiped on me, but I'm in Hong Kong and we'll never meet. Oh, well. What a bummer.

He doesn't know your life plans. Goodbye, mutual crush haver. And I was like, well, let's not get carried away. But it was so sad. Well, dumb on him. He doesn't know where you're going to be. He doesn't know where he's going to be. I know.

I know. What magic we could have made. You could have made magic. I'm trying to make some Raya magic. I don't. It's not good. None of them are good. I love it.

I have it. So it's men and women. Yeah. And the women on there. Oh, you haven't turned on the show both. Yes. Because you can turn that off if you want. No, I refuse.

Well, great. The women all look like they live in the sea and have their own etsy store where they sell beads for hair yes and they all are on the beach all the time and they like bevel their legs and they all have like titties yeah i had stand-up about it where i'm like yeah so i see what people are saying and then it comes to me and i'm like hi i'm a pig that has a lollipop. I make jokes for you. You want to know? I saw your profile and I thought you looked beautiful.

Thank you. I thought it was very well done. And I hearted you, but we didn't match because I don't see girls. Oh, there we go. Yeah. That is wild that they would show me women who didn't want to see other women.

they do that to men too so that's what i all the dudes that i swipe on who don't connect with me i'm like you're gay you're just gay and they don't they don't allow for people to filter that out in this app so that's so weird that's what i tell myself to to tell me that i'm i'm so pretty there's no other reason someone wouldn't want to be with me well i don't know i'm always confused i've matched with so many pretty men but it's not a swiping thing you have to like press it oh yeah so i'm like you made an active choice to heart me but like why aren't you talking to me i don't know i want you to look at my many of them i want you to look at my tinder profile okay i have since i've changed it i added some new pictures. Also... What's your song on Raya?

It's Kaya, My Neck, My Back. So on Raya, you have to pick a song that goes with a slideshow of... I'll let you look at both. It's a... So it's a slideshow of your pictures and stuff and videos and then a song, which is like so obnoxious but here's my tinder profile it says i'm 28 which is a lie i can't change it on facebook it like just it won't let me also i have several facebook pages it's a whole thing i get it i've I've been there Okay Your makeup is great

Thank you The face is beat Thank you Oh this is Is this a new picture Because this was just on Instagram Which one's that one That is my new picture

Yeah That's very cute So it's me in In front of a pink wall In Malibu In a little short overalls Little overalls In a cute stripy shirt.

Yeah. Smiling. They say smiling is important. Really? Yeah, I like never smile in my photos. Oh, is it because they're like, oh, you'll come off as a bitch if you're not smiling? Yeah, yeah. I think so.

No, I think that it's like men actually want women who'll be, I don't know, nice to them. So. Well, don't swipe on me because I'll beat your dick. Just kidding. I'll beat it with my mouth. I'm so thirsty. Oh, I've heard many times on this podcast about the bookshelf climbing photo. Now I get to see it.

I didn't realize you were wearing a wrist to ankle ankle bodysuit it's a full bodysuit when I think bodysuit I think like you know basically like bathing suit sort of thing this is a cat suit if you will wow so it's like it's like I could someone could green screen out if it was green the bookshelf and make it like the side of a building oh oh I would love if someone could do that you can find these pictures on my facebook page it's my facebook fan page it's uh nicole byer comedy on facebook and then if you go to photos there's an album there and i need to update it so like the pink wall picture is not there yet but it will be don't worry worry. And then the Christmas photo. Yes. Where I'm humping a tree.

I've heard, and yeah, okay. We were with a tree. If it was a boomerang, it would be hilarious. Sure. Oh, dang. I gotta get back to Michigan. It's not. I can't believe I fucked up that conversation so hard with that man.

I mean, I think that it's saying your head's not in the game. No. Because I truly was, like, my mind was blown that he knew where the tree was. And if I had just scrolled up before answering him, maybe I'll message him back and be like, hey, I'm so sorry. I seem insane. No, it's done. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's whatever.

Yeah. Because I mean, his assessment was right. Your head wasn't in the game. Also, his name is Derry. Or Dory. That's weird. I can't scream Dory when I'm riding him. I bet you could try. Ooh, Dory!

See? You did it. You and Clyde, which is just adorable, it's saying, this one says, hey, we could be a family. And I'll bring this little dumb dog. Yeah. says, hey, we could be a family. And I'll bring this little dumb dog. Yeah. Oh, and then we could be a nasty family. It's me and a heart. Yeah, making like a face.

Like I'm gonna fuck you face. Yeah. That was taken in Australia. Very cute. These are good pictures. Okay, now press the home button twice. And then swipe to Raya. Oh, there we go.

Oh, and the pink picture is your number one picture in that. It is. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh, wow. I thought it was the dick one. Uh-oh. Dick is...

Turn the sound on. The dick is the first one dick is well the dick is the first sound on the dick is the first one in the um in the slideshow so you have your you have your profile picture and then your slideshow oh i guess i fucked that up as soon as we start the slideshow oh it's not you this is a delightful profile i mean this says this is gonna be fun don't stop just do it do it then you roll your tongue i mean crack back to the front I mean, this is a great profile. Thank you.

You, your, your, your makeup and your hair look flawless. Thank you. You're looking fun. You're all over the place. You're out in the sunshine. I mean, which is like, that's a deal breaker for me, but I think for other people, I don't like, I don't, I don't want to see your skiing, your surfing picture. No, I don't like to go out in the sun. I don't like, I don't want to see your skiing, your surfing pictures. No, I don't like to go out in the sun.

I don't want to do those things with you. Oh, see, I love beaches. And that's the most outdoorsy thing I'll ever do. No. I'm not going on hikes. I'm not zip lining. I went to Mexico with Sashir and we were zip lining. And I was like, what is the weight limit for zip lining?

I don't want to break this in a foreign country and die. And the man looked at me and he went, I think you're okay. That's comforting. It wasn't comforting. Yeah. I was like, then I'm not doing this if you think I'll be okay. And thank God I didn't do it

because this very big man who was like 6'4", but not like fat. He was just like a solid man. He, at the end of the zip line, was like dipping into the water and then they had a huge problem getting him out. He like got stuck and I was like, yeah, no, I'm not doing that.

Yeah, no thanks. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think it looks fun. I think that's a great profile. Thank you. Why do you think I'm single? Oh, so many reasons.

Give them to me. Okay, I think, well, I think that it's, I think it's really tough for, um, for outgoing, for outgoing women who are successful and, and driven and have a lot of opinions. Mm. Um, I think that it's not impossible, but I think that it's, that's not the traditional woman. No. And so the traditional roots of finding someone and making it work, those don't really work either. You know? Mm-hmm.

Have you seen Whitney Cummings' last special? Oh, it was on HBO. I think I watched maybe half of it. I remember watching. I was really surprised that she talks a bunch about how she's pretty much undateable. And part of her thing is she's like, yeah. For whatever reason, I thought she was married. No.

She was like, turns out guys are not super turned on by homeownership. I worked so hard to build all this stuff, get all this stuff. Turns out that's not what impresses them. In fact, it turns a lot of them off. And I mean, I think that's good self-selection because I think anyone who is turned off by that stuff, like I don't want to be with them and I don't want you to want to be with someone like that. But I do think that it makes it, it makes it tougher. And I think there's a lot of, a lot of people here in this industry that we are both in who are very insecure, um, both maybe fundamentally, but also like any, whatever position you're at, wherever you're at with your career, it's not where you want it to be. No one is like,

well, I mean, this is pretty much all I wanted to do. You know, if they have a TV show, they're like, why don't I have a movie? If they have a movie, they're like, why don't I have more movies and a series and get to direct them also? You know, so everybody is insecure about something. And to have someone who is doing well and their own thing and also has ideas about the way they want things done and the next things they want to do i think doesn't feel comforting to a lot of people truly as you started that i was like maybe i get myself a shitty apartment so when i date a man

no i can bring him to a shitty apartment instead of my house. No. Which is such an insane thought. But honestly, that's the first thought that popped in my head. I was like, how can I make myself seem shittier than I am? Well, but no, I don't think that it's... Wait, Eliza. Oh, sorry. We have to take a break. And then we'll continue talking.

What a dream of a break! Sorry, okay, what were you saying? Well, I was going to say that I don't think that that's everybody. I think that just, like, selects out, like, we can't date the whole population, right? And there's going to be different things that cut people out. Because, like, some people don't live in the same town as you. And then some people are not attracted to the same to the gender that you are or the way that you look or the age range. You might not be in an appropriate age range for them.

And then also this in I think there's a lot of industry stuff that is that makes it prickly for people and difficult, but it's not everybody. And I do think that it's also not easy for me. I am used to dating people who are more successful, more established than me. And then I got to a certain point where I was like, oh, that's a smaller pool than it used to be. I mean, good for me, Yeah. But it's gotten littler. Maybe it's time to start figuring out how to date people who are less successful than me, younger than me, and what that dynamic is and, like, learn to be okay with that. But that also means that the dudes have to be ready for that.

So I just think that it's – I think you and I are both on a kind of new woman path that just hasn't been laid out. It doesn't look like dating used to. I mean, I don't date a lot. I really don't make it past two or three dates with somebody. But I feel like everybody I've been with has been like pretty much my equal. Did they feel like that, though? I have no idea.

It's not anything at three dates you talk about. Yeah. I don't know. I just think that it's like, like, I think most men are like they want to take care of women and they know, and it's obvious how to do so. And with women who take care of themselves, it's less obvious what their role is and where they fit in to take care of them. Yeah. I don't know how a man could ever take care of, like, I'm fine. Yeah.

like girls who are like, you know, don't smush bugs and like to cook. They clean up. I mean, I don't even, like when does that happen? When does a woman decide that they cook and that they like Pinterest?

Like when does, is it a thing, like an age where that happens? I don't know. Because I don't think I'm ever going to be like a traditional girly, girly woman.

I don't know. Like, all the women I see in TVs and movies, I'll read scripts and shit and I'll be like, what? But the reason that you're not going to be a girly, girly woman,

well, that's two different things. First of all, the reason that you're not going to be a girly, girly woman. Well, that's, there's two different things. First of all, the reason that you're not going to be a girly, girly woman is why you're going to be exactly who, right. For the people that you do find. It's just, how do we fucking find them?

Yeah. But also the scripts that you write, those are, a lot of those are written by dudes and that's why those women feel completely, uh, like unrelatable. You're right.

Cause I'll like watch things and I'll be like, no woman's ever been like that. Yeah. And then you look at the credits at the end. And then you look at a friend who's like that? Like, the whole, like, a Manny Pixie Dream Girl who's just, like, whimsical and dances in and out of your life. Like, there's very few women who are actually like that. Oh, I've accidentally been that to people. Have you? Yeah, and then look back and been like, oh my god, I was a Manny Pixie been that to people. Have you? Yeah. And then look back and been like, oh, my God, I was a manic pixie dream girl to them. I'd like ask weird questions and then be like, I can't talk to you for a while.

And then just I want that. I want to be that. I'm too. I think I get too involved, like 100 percent in things for me to be whimsical and in and out of someone's life. I like. Oh, that was. I just want to like be with somebody when i say that i've been that to people it's not on purpose like to them i've looked like a

manic pixie dream girl i realized but to me i've been like oh my god uh oh god what do what do i say to him say something interesting no don't okay okay oh hey what about what about and like ask the third question that i think of and then be like i'm thinking about this person too much i have to not talk to them and then like like, I'm thinking about this person too much. I have to not talk to them. And then like stop talking to them. So it's definitely not me being like. Oh, and I see how that seems to Judy's like, I don't know.

She asked me what kind of potatoes I liked and then like never messaged me back. Yes. Yes, exactly. That's really funny. Yeah. Maybe I'll start asking weird questions. Yeah. I don't know. I always try to say something a little strange just to be like, I'm a weirdo.

And either they just stop talking or they're fucking boring. I'm trying to get, I'm trying to work on vulnerability and being vulnerable. It is a tough thing to be vulnerable because you're inviting someone to hurt your feelings. Yeah. You're burying your soul and then being like, is this okay? And then someone can go, no. Isn't that what love is, though? I don't know.

I don't think I've ever been in love. I think I've been in lust. I think I've thought I was in love, but I don't think I've truly ever been in love. I don't know. I think love is a little bit. I think it's been built up into something it's not from movies. I think movies and TV shows, especially movies, have really screwed up all this stuff.

Okay, what do you think love is? I think it's like... Well, I think it's two different things. I think at the beginning of a relationship, it's being wildly enamored with someone, caring about them, wanting to make them happy and just know everything about them.

And just feeling better when they're around. And thinking about like what are they like? And how can I, yeah, like how can I put that, make that an important thing in my life? And then after that fades, I think it becomes like a thing where it's about more commitment. It's like, I'm going to make compromises for this person. I think this person, being with this person is better than being without this person. And so when I have to make compromises for them or they annoy me it's worth it because long term this is what i want my life to be but it's not like yay them every day the way that it used to be and i think that in movies it's like

oh you get hurt hit with an arrow and just forever you you're in love with them that's it and it's the special kind of love that's like i feel like it's not that different from friendship love it's not that different from familial love they're like shaded differently um but they're all different ways of caring about people that's why i like the sex in the city movie some people don't like it but when miranda and steve break apart but then decide to get back together on that bridge it's like they made a compromise to forgive each other for the things that they didn't see eye to eye on. And Steve, you know,

cheated on her. Yes. Right. That's his name, right? Steve, Steve. Yeah.

Miranda. Yeah. Miranda. So she forgave him for that. He forgave her for being an ice cold bitch and they refound their love i think that's the perfect example of love steven miranda from sex yeah well i mean it is it's like forgiving people and and and weighing options with your eyes open um yeah i feel like a lot of, a lot of the great loves in my life have just been friends.

Mm-hmm. And, I don't know, I've, yeah, I've been in love, but like, I don't know. I guess the people I love the most in my life

are all my friends. Yeah. Like, I have friends who I'm like, oh, I love you dearly, and if anything ever happened to this friendship, I think I'd be really upset about it. Yeah. Like I have friends who I'm like, oh, I love you dearly. And if anything ever happened to this friendship, I think I'd be really upset about it. Yeah. But then there's friends I've just let go because I'm like, fuck you. You're bad. Well, that's you have to do that. Oh, I just want a man in my life where I go, oh, you're so wonderful. You do things for me that I love. Honestly, I just am tired of having strange sex.

Oh, I can't do it. It's really annoying. I can't do it. I can't do stranger sex. It just, it's not exciting to me. It's boring. I don't think it's boring. I think it's frustrating.

Yeah. Because it's like, oh, you don't fucking know what I want and I have to tell you. And then I have to repeat myself because you're not fucking listening. Yeah. I just want to be nice to somebody. That's my thing now. I just want somebody who like I can because I feel like I've embarrassed myself with guys by being too nice. That's the thing.

They say like, oh, don't be so nice. It'll drive them away if you're nice to them. But that's crazy. Yeah. I just want to remember your birthday. I want to get you a present because I thought of you. And it just seemed perfect. And I want to, like, yeah, like, be nice.

But all of those things are apparently big turnoffs with dating. I might be your worst guess because i have no answers i do not know it's okay uh we're just like trying to figure it out together yeah i guess i'm nice yeah i guess i'm not i don't really know like i when i started dating someone or I like try to like be involved and listen and remember things like more than I ever do anywhere else like I'll forget lines at work but like you tell me you like a taco with chicken and just tomato and guacamole I'll remember that till I die yeah and it's I just I try very hard and I feel like it's not reciprocated like I feel like when I'm on dates with dudes I'm like constantly repeating myself I went on this

date with a guy and I was like this isn't going anywhere I probably will never go out with him again because I generally don't talk about work with people because in LA people are either working or they're like aspiring to work doing the same thing or whatever and he kept saying that he was like you know he wanted to write pilots and I was like I think you mean you want to write for a tv show I don't think you just want to write pilots yeah that seems crazy yeah like are you trying to sell them as well like what is it nope just write them and just I just want to write pilots and like look at them yeah just like print them out and have them uh and then i finally was just like yeah yeah i do comedy whatever that's

like how i make money and then he was like yeah but how and i was like oh i do shows and people pay me and he's like yeah but like where and i was like i go on tour and stuff he's like oh you he like couldn't wrap his mind around it and then then later was like, wait, what are you doing it? And I was like, I'm a comic. I'm a comedian. It was like it was it blew my mind how little he was listening to me. Wow. And at one point I was just like, I have to go.

This man is so boring and thinks his life is way more interesting than mine. And it's not. Did you go? No, I stayed. I've thought about that for a very long you go no i stayed i've thought about that for a very long time like too long i thought about that recently i went on a date not that recently uh months ago with a guy from raya and uh it was bad and he like he wanted to meet but we wanted to go to a movie which i know is supposed to be a bad date, but I fucking love it.

Please, yes. Let me get used to you being. Wait, why is that a bad date? Because you're not talking for two hours, but I'm like, I got to want to talk to a stranger for two hours. Let me get them to non-stranger level. And then we can have two hours straight talking. I like going to a movie with somebody. I love it.

Because then you automatically have something to talk about. Yes. Like dinner and a movie, it should be movie and a dinner. Yes. Because you talk about the movie at dinner. Movie and a drink afterwards, perfect. Yes. So, but he wanted to meet up first before the movie.

And so he picked the Starbucks across the street, which I was like, oh, that feels special. I met him there. had wet hair didn't take his hood off the whole time um was negging me hard and um then when we were asking why his hair was so wet no that's this is the thing that my therapist says to me all the time like did you ask why the thing and I'm always like no I was like, I'll go with this. Like, I live my life like, we'll figure it out. And I shouldn't. You're an improviser. Yeah.

You're yes-anding through life. Yeah. I don't want to call out everything that's happening in the scene. So we're sitting there and, yeah, he's like being kind of like dismissive and trying to make fun of me for stuff that I'm like not insecure about. And so I'm like, what are you? Wait, that's not a bad thing, what you're making fun of me for stuff that I'm like not insecure about and so I'm like what are you wait that's not a bad thing what you're making fun of um and then we got up to go across the street to this movie which wasn't really a movie I wanted to see what movie was it it was the the something the the wellness cure or the price of wellness it was something about wellness

it was like supposed to be kind of a horror thriller huh uh it did not do well um i guess not i don't even know what movie that is yeah it was one of those weeks where like i had everybody we'd both seen everything except like one movie so i was like okay um and so before we crossed the street to see it he was like oh by the way um i was surprised i guess people wanted to see this movie and so they they bought tickets so like i didn't get tickets in advance i was i tried to buy tickets right before i walked over here and um they they only had two seats in the back of the theater and i was like oh we can just use the tickets i bought and he was like what and i was like i bought tickets earlier today when we made plans for this the seats are three dollars each here it doesn't matter so so i just bought so i just bought seats he was like how did you know and i was like i've when we made plans for this. The seats are $3 each here. It doesn't matter.

So I just bought seats. He was like, how did you know? And I was like, I've been on a date before. Because I've been on so many dates with dudes who don't buy tickets. And he suddenly started being so nice to me and was like, oh, well, okay, sure. Man, I can't believe you did that. Hey, I get the treats, huh?

And I was like, yeah, okay. Wait, where, what movie theater are tickets $3? Someplace in the valley. Ew. I know. But he had been like, you gotta go. It's so great. It was pretty cool.

It was like one of those like motorized recliner places. Ooh, like at Universal CityWalk? Do they have that? Ooh, they do now. Yes. Yes. And that's where I saw Boo, Madea, Halloween. The first or the second?

The first one. I still haven't seen the second Halloween. The first or the second? The first one. I still haven't seen the second one. Have you seen the first one? I did. When she falls down the stairs, it's maybe the hardest I've ever laughed in public. That's my least favorite Tyler Perry movie. I've never seen another Tyler Perry movie. Oh, you've got to see Why Did I Get Married.

That one, Janet Jackson's in that one? Janet Jackson's in it. What's her name? Fuck. The singer. The singer. Angie Stone. No.

Jill Scott. Jill Scott is in it. Yes. Oh it's great. It's it got it even got a good review from the New York Times.

Really? Like it's good. I did see it in a packed theater in Chicago which like really up to the stakes. It's probably how you should always see a Tyler Perry movie. But, anyway, so he's suddenly being nice to me, and I'm like, oh, I don't like that either.

Like, so you were being a dick, and now suddenly I'm, like, not a doink, and so you're going to be nice to me. And I really was like, I just want to leave. I just want to go away. Like, can I just go get in my car and be like we know this is not no thank you goodbye and I almost did but then I like kind of wimped out and was like yeah I'll just sit through this whole movie

but I really wanted to just pull the ripcord I literally only left a date once where he was like do you want to go to another location I was like actually yeah my house it was tough it felt I felt like I was like actually yeah my house it was tough it felt i felt like i was like not hurting yeah it felt like i was hurting him it felt awful yeah and then he got like kind of sad and then slowly walked into my car and was like i live over there and i was like oh okay

oh no you get home okay oh and also he had did he pick the place yeah right by where he lives yeah yeah yeah he was the strangest man i i've ever met whatever it was a while ago i haven't been on a date in a while yeah uh just i think it's uh december slows.A. People are like in and out of town. Yeah, I kind of started dating somebody, but like. Oh, yeah. How's that going? I don't know. I can't tell.

Like, I feel like I just don't understand the current dating climate at all. I feel like as soon as you start dating somebody, especially with the now that people ghost and whatever. How do you feel about ghosting? I hate it. What would you How do you feel about ghosting? I hate it. What would you rather someone do instead of ghosting? Tell me that you are too busy to talk to me. So yes, you can still spare my feelings. But say that you're too busy to talk to me.

So I don't still try to get in contact with you. And I know that you're not coming back and I can figure out the the no thanks unless I did something gross unless you're like what's a gross thing you've done to a man I don't know but I'm but if it's something because I I don't know but if it's something I didn't notice that I did if somebody was like hey fyi you were like staring at my roommate's dick the entire time you met him and I don't want to be around you anymore then I would be like oh my god thank you for telling me I didn't even know I needed to look out for myself doing that I didn't know that I was doing that you like a soft let down I would

rather a man was like oh we weren't clicking and that's it you know what I'm so sorry I'll take that also I guess I was trying to like pitch something that someone would go for because I feel like people are so scared to say that I don't understand why people can't just go this is bad yeah I guess I mean this doesn't fit this doesn't fit right I've ghosted people because I didn't want to hurt their feelings but then after it happened to me a bunch I was like oh this sucks I'm gonna just tell people or like let them know I mean me leaving that man on that date was like very clear. You let him know. Yeah.

It was like goodbye. And then I've told guys, this one guy I was like, this was in July maybe we went out. And he's like, when are you free again? I was like, actually, I'm not free until Thanksgiving. Yeah, you told him. But then he texted me right after Thanksgiving. And I was like i put it in his calendar busy until the 4th of july so so you're fun i really hope he messages me again on the 4th

of july would you go out with him if he does no and then i'll give him another holiday labor day and we make it all the way back to thanksgiving then i'll go out with him okay um yeah i don't think they should call it ghosting i I think they should call it leaving a rabbit in a shoebox under your bed. You're like, I know it's there. I should feed it. I can hear it scratching. It'll die. It'll die. It'll die on its

own. That's the worst way to kill something. It's awful. Yeah, so not that. Don't ghost. But because of that, I feel like I don't. It's so hard. Like, I'll go out with somebody and then a few times be like, are we dating? I don't know if we're dating.

I mean, it's really hard to understand if you're dating someone. This guy. I listen for context clues or for them to actually go, oh, on this, before our date. I'm like, oh, okay, we're dating. Yeah. And this is another thing where, as I said, my therapist will be like, do you ask? And I'm like, God, no. Well, that you can't ask. Your therapist is too ballsy.

You can't just ask someone if you're dating. I mean, in my head, I'm the type of person who would fully be like, hey, are we dating? No. I'm cool with it either way. But then I don't. You can't. I'm also a person who like point blank asks people stuff. But like asking someone if you're dating is like, it's like, it's very telling.

It's like either you want to be dating or you're like too dumb to understand that it's been a long time and you are dating. That's the other thing. I'm not always sure of my answer. that it's been a long time and you are dating. That's the other thing. I'm not always sure of my answer. So I'm sort of like, when they have something they need to, or if I have something I have to tell them, okay. But otherwise,

let's just be wild children about this. Oh, wait. Okay. So I was talking on a different podcast about how female, I'm completely changing the subject because it popped in my head. I said that female improv teachers

don't date their students and you texted me and you're like, I got engaged to one. I would love to hear about that because I didn't know that. That's crazy. I'm clearly not married to him now. He's married to another one of my students

and they have a child. Really? What a child. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, what a dream. What a dream scenario. He was one,

he was one of my favorite students, obviously. Yeah. Um, but I, I didn't really have that in my head. Um, but I had noticed he was tall.

Um, and after my class was over, uh, he, I had broken up with another one of your guests. Another improv teacher. How long did you date that guest? Two years.

Yeah, that's a real thing. That is a long time. When I was obsessed with him, I went online and I was like, I want to look at more pictures of him. It was, right? I don't think he'll care. Will Hines. with him like i went online i was like i want to look at more pictures of him it was right he oh i don't think i don't think he'll care yeah will hines yes it just felt weird that we were getting to the point of like the man in question that man we can't say but i found a uh what is it called flicker a flicker account where there's pictures of the two of you and i was like that's the kind of woman he likes he likes them white

and I was really sad he doesn't he likes all kinds yeah I mean it was very you tell yourself things but now I know why he won't date me and I think the answer was he just wasn't feeling it yeah well yeah

I mean I have my own ex-girlfriend opinions but most of them boil down to he's a nice guy and I like him. I think he's great. Yeah. And even now, if he said, Nicole Byer, let's go to Mexico and live there for the rest of our lives, I would go, great, Will Hines, let's do it. Yeah. All right. Do you think that's an insane thing to say?

No. For whatever reason, I love him so much no i'm just trying not to like comment on my ex-boyfriend on a podcast oh sure yes i put you in a very wild situation it's fine it's fine um we can cut all this out no it's okay but you guys uh i i would be happy for you should that happen should you end up in mexico with my ex-boyfriend but here's the thing i don't think your roses either of us would be happy after two weeks Should you end up in Mexico with my ex-boyfriend, I would send you roses. I don't think either of us would be happy after two weeks. That would be what I would say. You'd be like, what have we done?

Yep. Yeah. But, yeah, so I was single and newly single. So really, it was on my mind a lot and really trying to figure it out. And the student of mine was like, oh, she's great. I should find somebody for her to date. And according to him, I was like, trying to think of out. And the student of mine was like, Oh, we got to, she's great. I should find somebody for her to date. And this, according to him, I was like trying to think of somebody to date. Um, I think cause he ran into me on the train or something and then was like, who should

it be? Oh wait, me. I'm a nice guy. What about me? And so he asked me out and I was like, Oh yeah, he's a nice guy. Sure. Sure. why not? But you'll notice that story wasn't we were both wild with passion through the whole class. No, we were both like, these are nice people. Yeah. Yeah. And so it was a good relationship for a while and then it didn't work for us

and we wanted very different things. How long did you date? Three years. Dang. No, yeah, three years. Would you call yourself a serial monogamist? Fully, yes. Monogamist? Did I say that right? That's what I am. Monog you call yourself a serial monogamist? Fully, yes. Monogamist?

Did I say that right? That's what I am. Monogamy? Serial monogamist. As I said, I like to be nice to somebody. I like to hunker down, get some little throw blankets. Did you move in together? We did.

How many men have you lived with? Just him. Oh, okay. That sounded like a really mean question. Two. How many men have you lived with? When I was in college, I started dating my roommate. So I was already living with him and then started dating.

I've only really lived with a bunch of gay men. That sounds like a dream. Yeah. Well, the current gay man has a boyfriend and... Ooh, that's rubbing it in your face. It kind of is. Yeah. And they keep making cookies and giggling.

Oh, come on. I couldn't handle that. And I'm like, I fucking hate Christmas. And you're making Christmas cookies every night and just like having the time of your lives. Yeah. Have you ever thought about working with like a matchmaker? I think it would be pointless. Really?

Yes. Why? Because black women are not desirable. But I. And I don't want to like and i assume the people with money aren't they're not looking for a fat black woman i don't think that's well i don't know what people are looking for but i don't think that that that can't possibly be completely true some people aren't but some people that's exactly what they're looking for right

sure i feel like one of the fallout things that I really want to have happen with this whole Weinstein thing is like people getting in touch, especially men, feeling like they can be attracted to what they're actually attracted to, not just what movies and TV tell them

they're supposed to be. Because I think it's going to be, if they're really honest, it would be a wild tapestry of stuff. Yeah, because I'm attracted to dumpster-looking dudes, beautiful men. Yeah. I'm attracted to literally people who look like a soda can. Well, and the thing that, to me, the problem is the apps are the least of what I'm attracted to.

I'm attracted to the way somebody moves and smells and laughs and all the things that, like, you only see when you're in a room with them. And so you think you can, like, kind of get an idea of it from these apps. And then you meet them and you're like, oh, you smell wrong. Not like bad, but wrong. And you move like a snake. And it makes my skin crawl. I can't stand any of it. Yeah, dating apps, when you meet up with someone off a dating, it's just a blind date.

You don't know what their voice sounds like. Sometimes they sound like Mickey Mouse and you're like, the fuck? The reason I brought up a matchmaker is because I feel like someone who can assess you and see what you are and what is

attractive about you and then see what is attractive about somebody and put those together. I guess. I don't know. Maybe I'll do it. I just, I don't think I'll find a matchmaker whose expertise is fat black women. Well, if somebody can figure that out and become that,

I think they would clean up. It would be great because there's a lot of fat black ladies with money. Yeah. Who are just looking ladies with money. Yeah. Who are just looking for their equal. Yeah. Eliza Skinner, can I ask you a question? Yes.

Why won't you date me? Okay. Imagine you're a man or you're attracted to women. Why won't you date me? Okay. I'm putting myself in the zone or would you um it's okay if you won't very few people have said that they would well i will say this i would for sure contact you off of that that profile yeah for sure um i don't know if there would be magic between us i can't put myself in

like because again as i said the moves the smells the sounds do i smell bad no but it's like do i sound bad well okay now yes um but i feel like like honestly i feel like this is a question i'm gonna i should have known i would be answering um But also we'll be thinking about, like, for weeks. It's okay. Would I date Nicole? I think if you're thinking this long and hard about it, you wouldn't. And that's okay. Here's what I can say for sure.

I would definitely contact you off of that. And I would be in a relationship with you. That sounds like that would be fun. Thank you. That would be nice. That would be fun and comforting, which is what a relationship should be. Oh, boy. I don't understand the in-between part.

That's my big problem. That's funny that you don't want to go on dates with me to get to know me. You just want to be in a relationship with me. But that's how I feel about men, too. That is great. Well, yeah, getting to know someone is not fun. It's the worst part.

And then you have to remember things. Yep. Here's my thing. I can't imagine dating someone for two years and then being like, I know everything about you and I'm done. Yeah, I've done that a bunch of times. I don't think I can do it. I've never been in a full-fledged relationship.

They're bumpy. they seem bumpy but they're also comforting and nice yeah I don't know how I would fare in a real relationship also I mean I don't know this town is just tough for it is and I kind of every time i go on tour i'm like maybe i'll just import a boy i think you should i should just find one but then like all the ones i've spoken to at my shows have been like isn't that what amy schumer little idiots no i believe she met him on raya oh fucking raya i'm like 99 sure that's how they met but there is one percent that i'm unsure because i don't know her. Yeah, me neither. I've never once spoken to her, so I don't know.

But I'm pretty sure that's how they met. Yeah. I just feel like this town is full of so many young, beautiful people because that's who comes here and then they leave when they're 28 and they're like, oh, this was dumb. This was bad. And so all these young, beautiful people are here and they're all available.

So while I'm like, you could date me or you could date one of them and they're like i think what you're doing is amazing i can't even believe it like wait a minute you wrote a whole pilot you wrote a bunch of pilots that's so amazing or me being like you could punch it up and try to submit it so i don't know it's it's a rough town for it it is and then i'm like am i gonna just die alone i might and i thought i had my roommate but he's now in a relationship so yeah i might die alone uh well on the one hand we all do and on the other hand you can find some you can always figure out a different, there are things about your life you can control. My plan for my life is golden girls.

Like get a house, have a few other girls live in there. Should nothing else work out. I mean, that's basically what's happening right now. Yeah. I've been trying to get my very dear friend who lives in Australia, John, to come live with me with his boyfriend. I was like, it'll be fun. You can decorate your, the, the back house however you want.

It'll be great. You live with me. It'll be wonderful. Here's one thing that maybe is helpful. Because I feel like all your guests have been really insightful, and I am not. But my therapist said that dating is all about just getting to know somebody. Yes. And it's just about like, you know, getting to know them and letting them get to know you.

And that a lot of times I can be performative and like entertain people. and like entertain people instead of being like, well, here's actual me and I want to know more about actual you. I mean, it is hard as a performer, I think, to let your guard down because like you do it sometimes in front of an audience or at least, I don't know. But you're still totally in control of that. Yes. Yes. I'm in control I'm the one with the microphone you're the one who came to see me I'm going to tell you my truths

but they are peppered with jokes and then it's like talking to somebody I'm not going to really be hurt yeah about this truth yes I made a joke because I made a joke about it and you're we're all laughing at it and some of it does come from pain but a lot of it is like just you know my what my thoughts are i don't know uh but then talking to a person i like i try not to tell too many jokes or be too funny but then i'm like ah but i do love to laugh me too and then it just gets really cloudy yeah as to like how much you because i've been a performative person my whole life yeah like when i was little my grandmother would always be like up and there she goes she's performing for us and then after a while like as i got older i was like

well no i'm not i like to laugh and i like to hear you laugh, but like, this is who I am at this point and it's not a performance. So it's like a real hard, I think it's a hard wall to break through to be like, I am funny. I do like to laugh, but I am being real with you. And like, I made a joke about it,

but like I am talking about something real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you don't want to feel like, Oh, I have to not be myself yeah and part of being yourself is doing bits joking around i was on a date with a guy and he

was kind of monologuing to me oh yeah okay and it was a little bit annoying but then i started thinking like oh this is his version of doing bits this is where he feels comfortable and is still trying to reach out to me but in a way that he's kind of controlling and had and so I had to like kind of break it and start asking him questions like that weren't about I started asking him questions about his childhood and being like, do you want to hear about me? And like kind of it was like the sewing card version of a conversation. I really hate it when you have to go, OK, I've asked you a bunch of questions. Can I tell you something about myself? And I feel like it happens a lot with men.

Yeah. Because they're not interested in you. Well, sometimes it's because they're not interested in you. But sometimes it's because they're nervous. Oh, I always forget that. And they don't know what else to say and and it's hard to tell the difference but i i try to allow for that option sometimes if it's somebody who looks like they got a good dick i do love dicks and on that note great eliza thank you so much for coming thank you for having me do you have anything you want to plug?

I have a new podcast but I don't know when it's going to be out what's it called so when it comes out people will know it's called now that's what I call playlist and then you ask me to be on it and hopefully you'll let me be on it oh I can't wait and when does drop the mic is it on now? I think we're off for a couple weeks for the holidays but yeah it's on Tuesday nights

on TBS and yeah Celebrity is Rap Battlin hosted by Method Man he's a dream I thought it was hosted by a lady Method Man and Hailey Baldwin she's the co-host okay if you like this podcast please

subscribe and rate it 5 stars and if you leave a fun comment where you hit on me, I'll read them. So Sarah Hirsch on December 15th said, let's bump tacos, which isn't terrible, but very funny. I like it. King on December 18th said, 10 out of 10 recommended. Would love a naked yoga video, but please don't show your feet. That's for family only.

I don't really understand that, but thank you. Maybe he's trying to stand out. This one says, Weiger loves hot salad. He's referencing a different podcast called Doughboys that I am not a host on. And he said, I'd like for my squinty-eyed face under your porn star puss, I'd eat you like your delicious bag of Taco Bell. I am too shy to tell to your face, let's watch Star Wars and chill. He literally is referencing a whole other podcast that I just did. Interesting.

He's letting you know he's listening to you everywhere. Ah, this other person says, okay, face, great penis. I love Nicole. I want to see her porno pussy. And it'd be great if she'd sit on my face. Also, listen to this show. It's great.

Hit me up, Nicole. And that's it. Nobody's been pretty. I've asked people to be nasty. I know. And nobody has been nasty. Some of those are pretty nasty. No, what I'm looking for is I want to use you as a puppet with my hand up your puss.

I don't know. Okay. So like impossible nasty. Yeah, maybe that's what I'm looking for. Fantastical nasty. Yeah, send her fantastical nasty. Are you looking for like tentacle porn kind of stuff? Not tentacle porn, but like, I want to eat your pussy like it's a hot cup of soup.

Do you know there's a, wait, but you hate soup. Yeah, I do, but I like the imagery of someone dipping a spoon in me. I think it's really funny. Do you know there's a fetish that's like wanting to be consumed by a woman? Ew. And so it's an impossible thing. know there's a fetish that's like wanting to be consumed by a woman. Ew. And so it's an impossible thing. So people just draw pictures of it. So you can find like crayon drawn pictures of full grown men inside of women.

That's wild. Yeah. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. That's a fantastical one. Anywho, thank you so much for being here. That's it. Bye bye. thank you so much for being here um that's it bye bye that was a hate gum podcast

this has been a team cocoa production That was a HeadGum Podcast. This has been a Team Coco production.