Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Nicole's Latest Tinder Failures (w/ John Mason & Nicholas Stavola)

Episode Date: July 13, 2018

Nicole's oldest, best friends John Mason & Nicholas Stavola reminisce about their old high school romances, why John wouldn't take Nicole to their prom, and Nicole shares some hot pussy facts.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

🎵 Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! 🎵 🎵 Oh baby! Hi, hi, hi! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out why I'm still single! Even though I'll slip a hot dog in your butthole, pull it out, put it on a bun, and eat it. Is that bad? I don't know! My guests today, you know them from the internet. They have Instagrams.

They have Facebook accounts. They are two of my oldest fucking friends. They came to visit, and I said, I put you to work. I put you on my podcast. You have no choice because I'm driving the car. Please welcome, all the way from fucking Australia, John Mason. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

And all the way from New Jersey, Nick Stavola. Hello, hello, hello. Okay, what a treat. Have either one of you done a podcast before? No. No. Oh my God, I am popping your cherry and it's fucking fabulous.

My podcast cherry is being popped. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, so John, I know that you are not single because we're fucking friends. So you have been in a relationship for three years three years we just celebrated our anniversary that's a long ass time very long where did you find him the internet no that's a lie i just totally why there's truth in comedy i don't no lying okay so my former roommate in australia is I just want to say to my listeners,

you will hear a slight Australian accent from my friend John, even though he was born and raised in New Jersey. Okay, please continue, Madonna. So I met him through my old roommate. They are best friends, or they're very good friends. And he came on real hard like real hard he followed that pursuit yes and i finally gave in yes because you know i moved to australia and i was like i'm trying to bang everything yes because australian guys are really

hot fyi um and he he just kept going and i gave in and now we're happily in love. What a dream. And then you moved in together. How long was it before you guys moved in together? Probably shortly after we started officially dating because he was back and forth at the time from his hometown and Sydney. And so he kind of was just staying with me and then he was saying more and more and more. And then we eventually about a year ago just moved into our own place in Melbourne. So we moved cities.

Yes, you moved full-ass cities. Was it hard to start over in Melbourne? Melbourne? Melbourne? Melbourne. Melbourne. Maybe. It was difficult.

I mean, moving to Sydney was difficult as well. As you probably know, moving to a new city, you have no friends um and i still have no friends so that didn't change and i had to change my jobs when we moved i was with the same company but different role so it was definitely a bit of a struggle and the weather sucks in melbourne it's not like you go to australia it's not like beach time all the time yeah i was in sydney it was hot well that's what i was an american i was like everywhere is bondi beach but that's not the case no it's very cold so nicholas i'm interrupting you nicholas i call nicks nicholas uh i also call him prada promises and i call you kitty kitty happy so nicholas i know you're single because we're fucking friends right is this by choice do you want to be in a relationship absolutely by choice yeah no room for a

relationship okay the only relationship i'm having is with me and my dog and not bestiality okay all right thank you for clarifying because someone could have been listening and been like nicole's friend fucks his dog. That's not right. He's really fucking weird. I love that you're in a relationship with Missy and Henry. Henry-sia. Henry-sia is the fattest dog I have ever met.

Yep. He has bitten me several times because I didn't release the treat fast enough. He gets really crazy about it. So crazy. It's insanity. And I crazy about it. So crazy. It's insanity and I fucking love it. You were in a very long term relationship for a very long time. Five years. That to me is an eternity. Mind blowing.

And I feel like a lot of people are very happy to jump in another relationship almost like immediately after. But you, I feel like I've been single for like three years? Yeah, about that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, some people do like jump into relationships real quick. You're not about that life. I have no time for that.

Okay, fair. And you guys, you know I'm fucking single. You are? Do you guys do apps? Nick, do you do apps? Do you do Grindr? I've tried Grindr once in a while, but that's just for like hooking up when I'm like, what's going on?

And you're just like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Who's going to respond? Sitting there naked in the bed. And is that your strategy to get naked in bed and just send a bunch of hey's and see who says hey back because at that point i just don't have i need for clothes i fucking love it so john did you do apps at all yeah former yeah app queen honey oh really all of them y'all well maybe ryan's listening so none of them but yeah i had the majority of them he will be listening and guess what

you had a life before him you'll have a life after him oh my god okay okay so we have known each other for such a fucking long time yeah

I think I met John no I met Nick first I met you in pre-algebra class right in mrs barata's class called me mr chuckle i said something hilarious as i do mr chuckle and then you just giggled and i was like okay mr chuckles and then i globbed on to you and wouldn't let you live your life right and then you like bullied me truly i did bully i bullied you into friendship i loved it i would you into friendship i loved it i would come down to your lunch period when i was supposed to be in english i would steal cookies

from the cafeteria because i've been fat my whole life i remember one time that lady was like you stole a cookie i said i threw it under the vending machine you're, uh-uh, no, I didn't. And then we ran. Slut cookie. And then shortly, I think that was sophomore year. Then junior year, I met you, John. Yeah. Because I was talking about, I was like, oh, there's this kid in my class who's like pretty funny, John Mason. And Catherine was like, John Mason is hilarious. Then I went to school the next day and I was like, heard you're fucking funny. Make me laugh.

Like a nightmare. And I did not make you laugh. You sure didn't. You were not happy about that. I think I was like, I'll let this slide. Like, who am I? Well, I think Catherine thought I was funny because we were in biology class together

and I knew nothing. So she just found humor in my ignorance. She was like, it's so funny that he doesn't study. Yeah, and then she'd ask the teacher would ask questions and i'd be like muscles and the question had nothing to do with that at all the question was like two plus two and you're like muscles muscles and i still say that i mean oh what a treat what a dream i'm so pleased to be your friend thank you same i okay since you guys have known me for so long why do you think i'm single and you could be as brutally honest as you want like i once had someone say they didn't think i

respected myself he won't let that episode air but um it's there and it's in my mind oh look i don't necessarily know to be honest because i think you're a fucking treat like everything about you is amazing really your personality your sense of humor you're uh very charismatic so people may find it difficult to keep up uh for extended periods of time so that i can understand but that's the only reason I could think of. Snigolas? I mean, I think you're a treat, but I would just keep sucking dick. I mean, just live your fantasy.

I'm tired of sucking different dicks. I want the same dick. I want to come home to that dick and be like, I know this dick. As opposed to unzipping someone's pants and being like, oh no no it's bent the wrong way you only got one ball which way is the right way yeah up upward okay curved like a banana up yeah well you do realize if you turn a banana around it curves in a different direction yeah well i want a banana curved up that's why i up. Wait, how do you eat your banana?

With it curved up? What? How do I eat my banana? I obviously eat my banana over my head and then funnel it into my mouth. How does everybody else eat their banana? Oh boy, you guys are very good to me. You're very sweet.

You're very supportive. You deserve those things. Yeah. And I'm trying to find men or women. Honestly, I'm very open. Or someone non-binary. Like if you want to be a unicorn princess fairy and that's how you identify, I'll fucking date you.

I don't care at this point. I also, I don't, I don't even know what I identify as anymore. I guess a woman. I would say so. Yeah. It's all there.

Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I identify as like a lady, a lady fucking, a lady giraffe, a lady hippo. I don't know. Lady birds taken.

She's wearing a dress of flowers. So today she identifies as a field. Yeah. I'm a fielded dream. Wait, so has anyone actually reached out to you after listening to these podcasts? A lot of gay men are like, if I wasn't gay, I'd fuck you. Isn't that the worst to hear? It's awful because it's not helpful.

Unless you're coming to fuck, shut up. It's nice. Just stop doing it. Stop. End up just discussing your affinity of swallowing dicks. I love swallowing dicks. Honestly, I could probably, if the Guinness Book of World Records wanted to have like the longest dick suck off

I would probably win it my jaw never gets tired I don't swallow so I won't get full please please tell me that someone listening has some connection to the Guinness Book of World Records I hope so I also please I entrust the two of you

to put that on my headstone. Yeah. I don't swallow, so I never get full. Your epitaph is sordid. What's an epitaph? I wish I could give you an educated answer to that,

but I'm pretty certain it's just what's written on your headstone. Sounds like Laffy Taffy, epitaph, Laffy Taffy. That's the only thing I heard. I was like, Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy. That's the only thing I heard. I was like, Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy.

Laffy Taffy. How does that song go? What? That Laffy Taffy song? Oh. More Laffy Taffy. More Laffy Taffy. More Laffy Taffy.

I'm like 99% sure that it is just a man very lowly repeating Laffy Taffy. And then there's like a dance to it where you just kind of like move to the right. And you move to the left. Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy and then there's like a dance to it where you just kind of like move to the right and you move to the left. Laffy Taffy. Wow, that got too visual for anybody listening. Okay, I want you guys to go through my dating profile.

Where is she? Oh no, how do I get to me? You're getting all the notifications now. This is the worst. Yes. Okay. Let me close it first. Let me reopen it.

Let me hit my face again. There we go. Ladies and gentlemen, she doesn't buy new phones. She has a very old phone. I don't have an old phone. I have furniture. No. To clarify that joke earlier, Nick said, I don't care about new phones.

I have a house and furniture. And it was very funny to me. It was really, that was great that time. That was great. So what am I looking at here? I want you to, both of you, if you can at the same time, take a gander at my profile. Describe what you see to listeners. And if you want to follow along time, take a gander at my profile, describe what you see to listeners, and if you want to follow along,

see what they see, I posted the newest pictures on my profile. It says Nicole28. Shut up, I know. I don't know. I haven't logged into Facebook in forever. It's connected through my Facebook. It was before the internet knew how old I was.

Are you literally trying to cover up lying? I'm explaining why I lied. It's because the internet didn't know how old I was. And as an actress, it's hard once you get to a certain age to get some work. You know, and I just want to keep getting hired. So yes, it's 28 and I'm not

going to change it. So the first thing that we see is, and I quote verbatim, I'm a big old bitch with a fat ass. No, you i quote verbatim i'm a big old bitch with a fat ass no you're gonna say it right i'm a big old bitch oh there's no fat ass hey hey exclamation and i don't know what you're holding i think it's the top of a pineapple is that a christmas photo i couldn't really tell you no it's at the worst restaurant i've ever been to. John George's LA. Please don't go. And I have no shame saying that because I was there for two

hours and all I had was dinner. And they like wouldn't bring us food and my steak was cold. Wait, so I mean... Oh, so it's a pineapple drink where... Oh, I get it now. The top is the pineapple to the top of the drink. I mean, all I can see from this photo

is that your makeup is stunning and your hair is on point it is pressed thank you I blended that day and your boobs look really big my what?

your boobs look big yes come through titties I just don't know if heterosexuals probably have the same observance I mean that is one of my biggest problems

with straight men very rarely do they look at me and go your makeup is flawless girl wow that blending are you using a beauty blender i didn't even know you were contouring you are so well blended oh wow i is that a contour the highlight is popping is that anastasia beverly hills i would die i would just anastasia in ho Hollywood? I would just pop up from the side of the table and go, you slay, bitch. I just, maybe men want women to look like dumpsters, but I don't think so.

Do they know the difference, though, really? I think they understand over made up, but then when a woman is wearing minimal makeup, they're like, oh, wow, she's bare-faced and fresh-faced. I love it. That whole Kim Kardashian quote. And it's like, no, we wearing it all. Okay, keep going through the hair. wearing minimal makeup they're like oh wow she's bare-faced and fresh yeah that whole kim kardashian we wearing it all okay keep going through the repair how do i swipe well i don't know do we swipe this it's like you swipe through the pictures i'm definitely a thought the happiest out there okay that's that makes me really happy for you also not a photo um the next picture looks to me like you standing next to Trixie Mattel's car.

With a very, very beautiful voluptuous leg. That Jeep she rode in at DragCon. Yes. And you're wearing a skirt and overalls, I think. Is it an overall dress? It's an overall dress, yes. Come through, Cabbage Patch Doll realness. I see it with that garbage pail kid.

Oh, thank you. I mean, again. Garbage pail kid. Oh, thank you. I mean, again. Garbage pail kid. I'm focused on your highlights. Like, I really am looking at the right thing. The Jeep reminds me of the Britney Spears music video. Why don't you do something? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Oh, my God. I mean, I don't know if I'll ever find a man who's into all this. I still love that you're using this dildo picture, holding the dildo. There's little eyes on it now. Yeah. And your shirt's very hungry for it. I legitimately, from a glance, because Nick was holding the phone,

thought that was Dory from Finding Nemo. You gotta stop. You thought that big-ass dildo was Dory? Okay, so for everyone listening at home, it does have an emoji nose and eyes on it. So you can understand the confusion. What is that shirt that you're wearing? It's a little monster shirt. It's in my closet.

I haven't worn it in a bit. Do you know what? I mean, the general... You should really make a bitmoji for that dildo. So that you can have one of the two so you two can play in a bitmoji for that dildo. So that you can have like one of the two, like so you two could play in like the bitmojis. Imagine I started sending a bitmoji of me that was just a big blue dildo

with like a weave on top, a big ass curly weave. Why would I have to imagine that? I feel like you may have done that already. I mean, George, my old dildo that Nick gave me, used to wear a hat. Yeah, he had a rainbow hat on him. And I used to find it in your bed and you used to try to shove it behind the bed.

Please don't touch George. He's been in use. Please. He would find it in Nicole's bed because they would literally lay together naked 90% of the time. Yeah, all three of us used to do that. Wrapped up in quilts. Oh, my God. Those were the best days of the time. Oh, we used to have naked time. All three of us used to do that, wrapped up in quilts. Oh my god, those were the best days of my life. You guys living in my closet at separate times. Look at her with the ass out.

On a bookshelf that's empty. Yes, well that's to show my body yaddy yaddy. I feel like a lot of fat women are like, well if I take a picture where I look thin, he'll be okay when he sees my big ass fucking body in person. And I was like, no bitch, thank you. That's an ass. You look really good in it.

That's like for ass eaters. That pounds you back. Thank you, I love getting my asshole eaten. Slop, slop, I bring wipes out. What do you need them for? Do you need to clean up some, I don't know. Aisle seven. Well, I want everybody to have some fresh licks.

So I carry around, honestly, I carry around, oh shit, what is it called? Butt wipes? Will you just fucking, here, just munch on some antibacterial juice. No, I'm going to tell you. That's nasty. I'm going to tell you what. After eating, refresh. I carry around, I do literally ads for them,

but I'm literally holding a Lola feminine wipe that is in my purse. I use them for my puss, my butt, and seats on airplanes. That is product placement. Sometimes they're so gross, but it's a cleansing wipe. So I was like, I can use this on the screen of my airplane. Is it antibacterial? I don't know. It's a pussy wipe. So I was like, I can use this on the screen of my airplane. Is it antibacterial? I don't know.

It's a pussy wipe. If anyone knows. Here's all I know. It's all natural, and it's part of a subscription service. This is what gets delivered to you in the mail. Come on, free shit. Come on. They send me free stuff all the time, and I fucking love it.

The next photo is of you and Clyde. Oh, Clyde. Yes, that dumpster dog. I love him. And you know what? I will say your repertoire of wig selections for these photos is stunning. Very versatile. Thank you. I don't have the new one in there, my new little pineapple poof.

And the glasses are beautiful as well. I don't know what, they might be a Celine situation. No, they are a Mel uh weird little store situation they were five dwellers you guys can find that they uh broke in my hand one day and i was like i am holding these i just noticed it like your back your your backyard isn't like behind you it looked like you were on a bus at first thank you maybe that's why nobody's saying yes. They're like, I'm not dating a bus bitch.

She's got her dog on the bus. She ain't got a car. That means she's got a DUI or she's poor. Which may or may not be true. Oh, no, I don't have a DUI.

You gotta stop with this beach picture. Yes, don't I look that? You look great. Don't I look the happiest I've ever looked in my life? You could have died that day and you would have said

you were completely happy with everything I almost died that day because it was taken in Malibu and there are I believe 10,197,000 steps to get out of the beach

oh god you go down into the beach then you have to go back up and then everyone's very fit and they're moving around you and I'm going I'm gonna pass away i don't feel good i hurt my body my heart this is my least favorite photo what the malibu bar the malibu

yeah i don't know because it does quite it encapsulates encapsulates encapsulates anyway why don't you like what it encapsulates it encapsulates everything that you are really maybe I don't love you did you photoshop those glasses on did I photoshop those glasses on two little mirrors snapchat filter imagine I just made a snapchat filter tiny

not even in Malibu no those are my fucking sunglasses I got them from Torrid Fashion they're sold out is Torrid also sold out? Is that still in business? No, it's still in business. They're thriving. Look.

I don't know. I assume they're thriving. I buy a lot of bikinis from there. All in all. They're not paying me. What? I really think you should probably update some of these photos, to be honest. Okay.

You look stunning in all of them. But? I've changed. change no some of them don't i guess they do show off your personality but like the one of you holding the dildo now that you've covered it with emojis and it's not instantly recognizable as a giant blue dildo it doesn't really show off who you are but like what do you really like are you looking to find a date on this app or like would you want to organically find a date when you're out? I mean, the most magical thing

that would happen to me would be, hold on, I'll tell you after this break. And we're back. What a beautiful break that was had. I hope you enjoyed the ad. Right? That's where ads go? Okay.

Okay. So to answer your question, I mean, it would be really cool to, like, swipe on a person that I find attractive and read their profile and was like, great, you're literate. Let's go out. That's your only criteria, literacy. I don't know. Like, texting, I've said it a hundred times on this podcast texting creates a false sense of uh intimacy yeah you text with someone and you're like oh we get the same jokes because you can read a joke like it's not real you don't know that person you don't know how they're actually saying things you can meet them in person you're like oh you're not even funny you're like not even

good at talking whatever but it would be like a dream to like go on a date with someone from one of these fucking apps click and then keep going on dates and like maybe a relationship happens but another dream situation oh i think the best dream situation would be to like work with someone and then like end up dating like be like oh you like know me because we've spent time together in a professional setting that would be like favorable yeah so it's like i know you on your best behavior i know you have a job but like not to call you out who would be the perfect someone bitch i don't know like no i mean it doesn't have to be even a real person no no i know i've thought about it like comedians have their own little fucked up things uh actors are insufferable people of notoriety like a producer or something i feel like they make a lot of money so then they

want like you know a blonde headed bitch with like big old titties and a medium-sized butt because i hear butts are going out no that's right i hear that big butts are on their way out, you guys. They're coming to the East Coast. We are screwed. The love us. I need to go get mine sucked out now. Nick just put his in. You have a fabulous butt. Take it back out. Well, you have a Brazilian butt lift, right? Yeah, yeah.

He has the whole continent of South America butt lift. So you have South America on your booty hole. What else have you had done? Do you mind talking about that? No. Lipo. Really, just lipo. Just had done? Do you mind talking about that? No, lipo, just really just lipo. Just lipo. Do you mind talking about that? That's all he consists of as a human being.

Well, sometimes people get a little like, no, I'm all natural. I've never had any injectables. I mean, it's really, yeah, it's basically all natural except for Botox. My favorite thing, or one of my favorite things you've said, because you say a lot of my favorite things,

was I made you laugh last time you were here, and you're like, don't make me laugh too hard. My Botox is going to move. You're going to make it shift. That killed me, and I brought that up earlier today. Also, when I told you last time you were here

that I was going to force you to do my podcast, Nick goes, great, let me bring my ring light. I wrote it down because it made me laugh so hard. And then, John, I think you were like,

it's audio. But John doesn't also have Apple Music, so he can't use the podcast. Guys, I thought podcasts were an Apple product and that you needed

to subscribe to Apple Music. So my best friend was not consuming my hashtag content because he to subscribe to Apple Music. So my best friend was not consuming my hashtag content because he thought he needed Apple Music. He completely looked past link in bio. So rude. I've seen every episode of Loosely Exactly, Nicole. Thank you.

I love how you had to like pause and really think about the title of it. No, I'm kidding. I told John his story last night and he went, I think I know this already. Was this an episode of loosely exactly and i was like full ass it was yes it was but here's like the real story it did not end well i always think of like what what you actually like what stories you actually used on there and how much you change them that's the funny thing too to watch those shows and go she's lying

that's not what happened yeah like the intro when she comes out of that broke ass house. I'm like, this is a fucking lie. He lies. Okay, here's how I respond to people. Someone tweeted this screenshot

of a Tinder conversation that I had with this man who I like went on a date with and I thought we had a great time, but guess what? He did not ever text me back so he wrote hey Nicole I'm looking for the best donut shop in LA do you have any strong opinions or any or should I start over so I responded with in all caps how the fuck should I know I like cookies also the only hole I'm concerned with is my pussy. And he went on a date with me.

Thank God. And then I was too much. Look, I mean. Imagine, like, buckle up. You should know what you're, like, what's in store for you. There's definitely no false advertisement coming from your end of the spectrum. So how many dates did you go on with him? One. Did you just, like, what'd you do?

Did you guys go to a donut shop? What did we do? Did he fill you with jelly? No well I wish he filled me with his fucking cream. Cream pie. I wish he turned me into a Boston cream pie

so I could goop it out in the bathroom. Fucking New Jersey cream pie. I'm just kidding. I'm not on birth control so I can't be gooped in. When she doesn't swallow. She doesn't swallow

so she'll never be full. You're playing with fire. I'm always spitting out. I am playing with fire. I dare you. I dare a baby to try to grow inside me. I dare you swallow, so she'll never be full. You're playing with fire. I'm always spitting out. I am playing with fire. I dare you. I dare a baby try to grow inside me. I dare you to come on me. I dare you.

I dare you. I will get rid of you so quick, your little head will spin. Spin right off. What are you doing with that hose? Oh, I'm sucking this baby out. Who's sucking on the hose? All right, flushing this baby out. I don't know. Power washing this baby out of me's sucking on the hose? All right, flushing this baby out. I don't know,

power washing this baby out of me. I don't know. So I, okay, let's see. The Tinder conversations I've been having as of late are a bit of a bummer. People have just been like, oh, you're Nicole Byer, which is nice.

But like, so this guy, he wrote to me, I've seen you on the TV. And I said, hmm. And then he never responded. Why? I don't give a shit if you, like, why did you? What does that even mean? Yeah. I don't know.

Why did you message me? Just so I know that you know that you've seen me on tv that you subscribe that's like those people that are like hey i just wanted to say you're fucking hot and then like have a great day and you're like i don't know where to go from there like nick you know you're hot no one's adding to the conversation when they say you're hot and i just write like thank you and i do like the straight face emoji why do people do that shit on the internet imagine doing that in everyday life like walking into a shop and being like great collection of clothing. Why do people do that shit on the internet? Imagine doing that in everyday life. Like walking into a shop and being like,

great collection of clothing and then leaving. I do things like that. But then she would have to walk around with a dildo all the time. Hello. This other man

I matched with, he said, hey, hope you're having a great day. I said, dearest Kenny, I'm great.

I hope you're having a wonderful day as well. And he said, my dearest Nicole, winky face with the tongue out. He said, dearest Kenny, I'm great. I hope you're having a wonderful day as well. And he said, my dearest Nicole, winky face with the tongue out. He said, did you accidentally swipe on me? I said, my darling Kenny. No, did you accidentally swipe on me?

Like, where's this conversation going? So then he said, no, I didn't. I have a small fetish or no, finches, F-I-T-C-H-E-S or a thing for women with a fat ass i said finches he said fetishes sorry lol you already what is happening so wait how did you even match at first because nobody knows if they swiped left or right yeah i don't know why he was questioning what was happening we matched because sometimes i mean i don't know because i don questioning what was happening. We matched. We both swiped right.

I mean, I don't know because I don't have Tinder and I never have because I maybe did. I'm kidding. That was a joke, by the way. Yeah, you've been in a relationship for three fucking years. You're happy. And I'm like, cool, cool, cool. Wait a minute, but don't people like... Go back to Australia. Cool, cool, cool.

Oh my God, that is too real. Don't people like borrow other people's phones and swipe for them? Yeah, sure. But like if I'm speaking to you and I'm like, what led you to believe that it was an accident when I called you my darling Kenny? Did you mean to speak to me or? Like what happened? What happened?

So then this man on fucking March 29th said, damn, I want to pound on that ass and make it clap his name is Dwayne so then I was like I clicked on Dwayne I was like okay Dwayne's not terrible looking but he seems to be outside a lot he's 40 oh 40

no no like having fun outside I'm an indoor girl so then in April, April 1st, he said, would you try anal? After I didn't respond to him. And then yesterday he said, what's up, bitch? You having a conversation with yourself? I don't want anything. Sometimes people are just persistent.

And then when you're like really drunk, you're like, nobody else is doing this as well. Have you tried any other app? Maybe it's just not the right app for you. I had a real bad time on Bumble. This man had a picture. He was white. He had a picture with this brown kid. I said, is this kid yours or borrowed?

He was like, he's my son. And I was like, all right. It was a joke. So I don't have a good time on Bumble. I get more responses on Tinder. Here's a fun little exchange I had on Tinder. Nicole! I said, Justin!

Justin says, I have to be up front and say Nailed It is one of the true joys of my life. I said, oh, thank you. He said, how was your evening? I said, I'm tired. I was filming Nailed It all day. He said, oh, nice. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So then we.

Wait, did he verbatim say that? Or was there other words? There was more words, but we just talked about like our jobs. And then we started talking about avocados. So then I was like, what are we doing? So I said, you trying to fuck or not? Oh, my God. So it's like you just wanted to have a conversation with me.

There's a lot of people like that what purpose wait a minute but i just thought literally 10 minutes ago you said you're not going to swallow back rando dicks anymore that's a lie ladies and gentlemen i guess i'm that i don't know do you think that like does it turn you off when people bring up your career

and the things they've seen you in yes like why would people do that I don't know because if I worked in Lord and Taylor

nobody would go I've seen you selling dresses where have you worked I guess they try to they try to find like a medium ground like

medium brown medium brown that's my shade it's like they they won no I get it like a common ground like medium brown medium medium brown that's my shame it's like they they want i get it like a common ground common ground that's what we're talking about yeah look that's what i'm talking about i need a medium right now i need some medium ground but also like you don't want to talk about work outside of work that is a general rule for everybody well i think normal people talk about work and weather yeah they complain about love to travel which is a thing everyone loves right but it's like all like this it's like scripted already

it's like hey how are you what do you do what are you doing tonight and they're like do you want to swap picks and it's like no not yet maybe and they're like work? I'm like, do you live at home? Do you work? Do you live at home? I don't know. The last date I went on with someone off of an app, he was just like, hey, how is your day going? Which is like lame. But I told him and then he told me how his day was going. And then I think there was two more exchanges and then

he was like let's go out and i was like okay yeah that's because we both knew we could talk we both liked each other's pictures and then we went out and it was fine it didn't work out but like that's how it should be i think yeah i don't really think that endless textual communication is really going to lead to anything. No. Maybe dick pics, which is always a nice little thing to get. I mean, honestly, once you've seen one dick. This I disagree with you on. Or like three dicks.

Once you've seen three dicks, you've seen them all. Okay, well, I've seen three dicks today. You have? Where? Why didn't you share? Where's Ryan? I sat with you at the Earth Cafe and you didn't you share? where's Ryan? I sat with you at the earth cafe

and you didn't show me nary a dick? Ryan nary dick have I seen is actually the truth I haven't seen three dicks today alright well don't get a bitch excited

well we can I thought we were gonna have a little snack after this and I was gonna get to see some dicks I don't even wanna see a picture of it I wanna see like

up close and personal yeah like what is a picture gonna do for me? Yeah, nothing. I've never looked at a dick pic, pulled my pants down, and rubbed on my fat little clit. I've never done that. You just take the phone and put it on vibrate.

You're like, oh. That would be more helpful. Call me over and over again. I'll put it on vibrate. I will get off on that. So you know what I think the best thing about dick pics is what people use to show scale. Like some of the endless. I love the angles.

Angles are great. They are so great. Or like when it's over a toilet bowl, it's like, what are you doing there? Well, I finished pissing. Here's a great time to take a dick pic. I once got a dick pic from a man with a mop in the corner. And I was like, what is this? To scale? Like what? got a dick pic from a man with a mop in the corner and i was like what is this to scale like what your dick is so long and thin you wanted to show it off it was very confusing and i asked him

and he's like well i'm at work and i was like then go to work yeah like what are you doing at work why are you hard at work why why are you hard at burger you're hardly working that's so rude you're hardly working that was good nick yeah that was funny but that was very funny very funny very funny all right let me ask you guys a question yeah i know that like you guys are into uh not women you're like men but if you liked women would either of you date me? Why won't you date me? You

I don't know if you remember this you asked me to go to prom with you in high school. Did you deny her? Yeah and I did. You were rude. Oh because I had a crush on you in high school.

Yes I did. And I was hell bent on making you love me or come out as gay which is i did one of those things and actually both of those things and i said john please let me be the first to know and i was not no she wasn't and then i came out to her second and then nick came out to you i don't know if you recall that. I told her not to tell you because you didn't tell me first. And then she said, hold on, called you right after that and told you. And then she called me back and she's like, hey, so I told John. A living nightmare.

So why wouldn't you date me in high school and why won't you date me now? Look, I probably, if I was heterosexual now, would date you. But I was very confused about who I was in high school. And the only commonality we had was Louis Vuitton bags. And Louis Vuitton Air Force Ones. Shelter shoes. And Escalades. That's Miss Yelena.

And rainbow crimped weave. And theater. That was my favorite thing. Or ribbon candy. I had this awful ponytail in high school that looked like literal ribbon candy. Can you get a wig that has ribbon candy in it? Maybe I will.

Maybe I already have one. It was like a fruit roll-up coming off of your head. Truly. It was wild. But okay, John, you're grappling. I remember I was like, well, what kind of girls do you like? I think I confronted you at the Benson's house. I remember he used to be like well what kind of girls do you like I think I confronted

you at the Benson's house yeah I remember he used to be like I like Asian girls yes because there was no Asian girls in our school that's not true there was Tanya DeDonna

true okay you were right and there was that other girl this is so sad so sad we live in a very very white community white community

yeah that is actually weirdly true I mean hurts my feelings that like you were trying to explore your sexuality very white community. Yeah, that is actually weirdly true. I mean, hurts my feelings that like you were trying to explore your sexuality and just wouldn't let me slob on your dick.

Yeah, yeah. We could do it now, I guess, if you really wanted to. I'm so sad you wouldn't unzip that blue vest and let me fucking suck on them nips.

Wait, do you know what was even worse though? After you asked me to prom and I completely denied you, I then went to prom with ***. Yeah, that was so rude. But it wasn't our prom. It was her prom.

Yeah, it was their senior prom. Their prom. Yeah, but still. Yeah. How am I feeling? Well, look, I'm sorry about that. And I probably never live that down now that I've reminded you about it. Truly.

I got you back. I signed you up for a Lane Bryant card. Oh my my god do you know i checked my credit report the other day and that came up oh my god it was like closed accounts and it was like my old bank credit card and then it was like lane bryant and i was like this bitch is haunting me everybody used to be like who's fat who could we send these to yeah Yeah, who can we send? You were so rude. You used to literally say, welcome to Lane Giant as women walked through the door.

Oh, Lane Giant. Nobody laughed. I do that in my act and sometimes nobody laughs and I'm like, guys, fat people are funny. I mean, everyone is funny in their own way.

I enjoyed being fat in hindsight, in retrospect retrospect maybe not during high school it probably wasn't the best what do you mean enjoyed but like i was a very oh that was me throwing shade i was insinuating that you're still fucking fat oh my god your cheeks are filled i told nick today that i got a face filled to come here, so I look good for him. And he goes, with what? Food? But yes, you were more retuned.

Wait, do you actually still think I'm fat? No, I'm kidding. Also, fat is not bad. No, not at all. Everybody has fat. Some people have more than others. No, I think, yeah. But you were a chubby, chubby, little adorable.

I was humongous you were adorably fat yeah and i wore these things to cover my body that made you look bigger every day a blue old navy vest okay yeah blue old navy it was like there was a light blue and a navy blue new balances excuse me none of that is true. No, the vest is true. The vest is true. Excuse me, the vest.

You wear it every day. I believe it's in your junior year high school picture. I didn't wear it every day. People are going to think I don't shower. Okay, so you wore it three days a week.

Whatever, it's outerwear. Yeah. Who cares? I've never owned New Balances, but the rest of that outfit is pretty great. All right, Adidas. I don't know. They were also blue.

My friend was colorblind. Sniggaless? Yes. If you were straight, would you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? I'd probably hit it. Yes.

I think you would break my heart. Yeah, definitely. I'd do that to everyone. I I think you would break my heart. Probably. Yeah, definitely. I do that to everyone. I think you would absolutely break my heart. That's like the Aries side of me. The what? Aries side of me. What's the side of Virgo?

I don't know. Me either. Dicks? Yes. Wait, are you a Virgo? Are you asking him because he's a Virgo? No, I'm a Virgo. And he seems to know about signs.

Are you a Virgo? I think we're compatible.'s a Virgo? No, I'm a Virgo and he seems to know about signs. Are you a Virgo? I think we're compatible. I'm a Virgo Libra cast. We're compatible. I truly do think we would get super close and you just break it. Yeah. Break what?

Your pussy or your heart? Both. Um, yeah, I think you'd break my pussy and then my heart. Let's try to break this tonight. Yeah, fuck me. Did I ask either one of you to fuck me cause I lost my virginity late you frequently still ask us to fuck you

I think you do it all the time I just think we just think it's funny so we're just like yeah you're so funny yeah yesterday in the pool I truly held you onto me it was like please just grind a little bit.

Just a little human interaction. A little human touch feels good. It's been so long. Your dick inflatable has popped, so now you literally ride people. I mean, it has popped. It's because it's not a pool toy. It's definitely like a bachelorette party thing.

Do you guys have any advice for me? I mean, I think you're pretty good. for me you're doing i mean i think you're pretty good yeah you're doing pretty well great you like it's like an interview basically for you but you're really good at it it's all these other people that just don't get it i almost think i'm too good at being personable and charismatic i couldn't more. What a cocky thing to say. I did just join a secret matchmaking service. I don't even know the name of it, but I was sent this questionnaire that was very long

and intense and stuff. It was like, what do you do for a living? Do you want to date anybody in your field? Do you want kids? How many kids do you want? Where do you live? Do you live alone?

What are your non-negotiables? My non-negotiables are you can't have dreams. You can't sleep? You can't have dreams? You can't dream? You can't snore? No. Just die. I need you to be dead already? No, I want you to be living your dream.

Like, I want you to be living what you want to be. I would have never got that out of no dreams. Yeah, I want you to be living your dream. Like, I want you to be living what you want to be. I would have never got that out of no dream. Yeah, I'm so glad you clarified. Yes. My medicine has worn off. Sure. ADD, the brain is bouncing.

Yes, bitch. My brain is like a trampoline. So I want someone with a career intact. I want them to be, like, making money. I want them to be like making money um i want them to be driven and if i say to whoever i end up with where do you see yourself in 50 years if they're like retired i'm no no i will work until i'm dead and i hope that you want to work until you're dead do you think people are like put off that you're like financially stable i think people are a little put off that i'm

financially stable and that i work a lot do you think you're limiting yourself i mean when you say making money obviously there's the very various levels of how much money yes do you need an abundance no i don't need an abundance because i don't have like an abundance i lead i lead a pretty a pretty low-key life like my entire outfit cost me i would say 30 she's rounding up yeah the dress is from a thrift store the shirt is from a thrift store the converses were free i hopped out of a dumpster fully clothed picked up this wig out of a gutter and i said okay i'm ready would you ever like like date somebody that's not financially stable yet but like is in the right direction to get financially stable i think you should consider it i yes yeah i guess but like i guess

i don't have to pay for anything like if you can't afford to go you stay home yeah right i think i would feel obligated to pay for someone to like come on a vacation with me but i guess i would have to just put thy foot down and say no no no that's not good that's not good yeah but also you don't need to like you know everyone can afford a vacation hopefully if that is your criteria you should be able to afford a vacation but you don don't need to like, you know, everyone can afford a vacation, hopefully. That is your criteria. You should be able to afford a vacation, but you don't necessarily need to stay in a five-star resort and you don't need to fly first class. No, I can watch you walk to the back. I'm fine with that.

I'm fine with that. I'll just sit next to you. See you later, honey. See you on the phone next time. Bye, Tootles, honey. We'll sit together in bed and I'll be on your deck you better believe oh my god i've told you this now i think twice i got so drunk on my flight on sunday you better believe my new limit in the sky is eight vodka sodas and three full cups of champagne that's my limit. Is that with or without food? That is between the second and third cup of champagne. I got up and just lumbered to the flight attendant and said,

excuse me, can I have one of them wraps? And then they gave me a wrap and I don't remember chewing. Ladies and gentlemen, she swallows. So which way do you hold your banana? chewing. Ladies and gentlemen, she swallows. She lies. Which way do you hold your banana? So what is it?

I, oh my god. Oh, my Uber driver was concerned about me. I think everyone at the airport was probably very concerned. You were probably a real And in my brain, I was like, you're covering this well. As I watch Forrest Gump two inches from the monitor. Did you cry?

Do you notice that you're more sensitive when you're in the air? Yeah, it's because the air pressure is different. Is that right? Yeah, I think it's science. Science says. I think it's a science fact. When you go down, like when you like land, you get like kind of like horny. Is that what you call landing? Going down? You get horny. Not horny, land, you get like kind of like. Is that what you call landing?

Going down? You get horny. Not horny, but like. No, that's a true story. Because I saw it on Trixie and Katya. Wait, when you land on a plane, you get horny? Yeah, because of the pressure. Yeah, we get hard.

Because you know the blood pressure. You get hard? You get fucking hard. Because your dick fills up with blood. That's a lie. So like. No, that's an erection job. Oh, that's science as well.

See, biology. I really was not good at that. I guess you weren't listening during class. so like no that's an erection job oh that's science as well that's see biology i really wasn't gonna find science you weren't listening during class mr man after he just told me earlier that i was dumb yeah john a boner is when the blood flows to your fucking dick what if you have oh my god so does that mean if i pricked a dick while it was hard oh my god because that's how the anatomy works wait was that a stupid question we'll have to check it out later i'm legit is that how it works no no it's like it's like what is it in veins and stuff it's like veins that fill cartilage but look don't ask me

because I actually have no idea and I'll sound like an idiot muscle and not muscle but wait okay I'll say this our bodies are a wonderland yeah

I'll tell you that thank you Mr. Mayor praise be um what blessings be do people who have massive dicks

get lightheaded when they get hard yes they do sometimes or when they when they Nick knows because his dick is a real dick I am lightheaded all the time I'm lightheaded when they get hard? Yes, they do sometimes. Or when they get all off. Nick knows because his dick is a real dick.

I know, I am lightheaded all the time. I'm lightheaded right now. My leg is crossed because I have a hard one. I like wish I had a dick. You can do that now. I feel like not a strap on. I wish my clit was even bigger. Yeah, but does it get filled?

Like does it swell when you get horny? I guess it swells. What? How do you not know? Does it expand? I don't think I've ever really taken the time to understand what was actually happening with my clit. So you don't sit there with a mirror and look? No, I don't have the time. I'm pretty busy. I don't have the time to understand what was actually happening to my clit. So you don't sit there with a mirror and look? No, I don't have the time.

I'm pretty busy. You're going to have to do that tonight. I get my boyfriend, my imaginary boyfriend, Mr. Hitachi, and I slam it onto my clit. And then I... Then I come and I'm good and I go to sleep. I am so unfamiliar with female anatomy

that you told me earlier today that you could actually lift your clit up. No, I was kidding. And I believed you. I genuinely had no idea. She would need surgery. I thought it was like a switch. Where are we going to attach this? I wish I could remember the context of me saying that.

What was I talking about we were in the hair salon and you just decided to bestow that knowledge on me my clit up and slam it down my friend adam tells a joke about how he asked me so he was like does this happen to girls like sometimes a dude puts on sweatpants and you get like a little fuzzy on the tip of your dick from like the new sweatpant and i was like where sometimes a dude puts on sweatpants and you get like a little fuzzy on the tip of your dick from the new sweatpant. And I was like, nah, that doesn't happen to me. What happens to me is sometimes I got to scoop my stink ditch after I put on sweatpants. And he was like, what? I was like, sometimes your pussy fills up with gray matter.

And he was like, wait, what? I was like, I'm kidding. I am kidding. Why does nobody know how vaginas work? Because nobody talks about they don't but I'm breaking that that fucking

break the barrier I'm breaking the glass ceiling on pussy talk release the floodgates let's talk about pussies they are a self-cleaning oven yes they are do not douche

it's bad for them is that true yeah because the pH balance yes it cleans itself what if you use just water I don't think that's good for it either. It's not thirsty.

It doesn't need agua. Yeah, it's not. Honey, you want to talk about thirsty? That pussy is thirsty. I mean, my pussy literally clefts out dust in the morning because it's so thirsty and dry for a dick.

When she walked by, I saw a tumbleweed. Rolling down her leg. Imagine. And then you hear like the gunshots bang bang my pussy's a western

who's gonna win the cowboys of the indiana oh my god honestly you guys this has been a treat thank you thank you for having us

Nick I'm swinging around swinging around yeah it's been, I'm swinging around. Swinging around at you. Yeah, it's been fun. I'm spent. Truly, I mean, I don't know how you'll do more podcasts, but both my friends, they're on the internet.

Do you guys, like, want to promote your Instagrams and your Twitters and your Facebook? I mean, my Instagram's just like Nicholas underscore Stavola. Nick goes, no, it's N I C H. No.

N I C K. N I C H. Wait, no. N I C H. O. F O A S. O.

Oh, no. O. Oh, no. I can't spell. John? Sure.

I'm at the Mason Way. Yes. Okay. And if you like this podcast, please subscribe and give it five stars on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. Swipe right. Spotify, if you will. And if you see me on Tinder, do not fucking swipe right unless you are going to take me to a fucking free ass dinner that you're paying for because I'm cheap.

Okay. So, oh, also, if you want, you can leave me a nasty little review, and I'll read it on this podcast. So, E-E-E-L-Y-M-A said, she gave me a five-star rating, which is very nice, very kind. She said, I want to blow in your butthole until you float like a balloon, and I can carry you around on a string. Honestly, the funniest thing anyone has sent in. That's great. Imagine. And I thought butt chugging was going to be fun.

Oh my God, your balloon body. All right. Thank you for listening. A good bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.