Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Orgasmic Meditation (w/ Chloe Fineman)

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

Comedian and actress Chloe Fineman (SNL) joins Nicole to discuss orgasmic meditation and the strange men behind the practice. She shares stories of attending a “slutty” theater school where her friends ended up in a crazy gangbang, dating a 700-pound man who used meth to lose weight, and dating another guy with "school shooter vibes." Chloe also talks about the most ridiculous arguments that have led to her breakups and offers advice on the best dating app. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on a piano and go, those are the keys. My guest today is an actress and comedian that you know from Saturday Night Live, Search

Party, and a big mouth. Also, we just shot a movie in Syracuse, New York, where we play strippers, and I fell in love with a stripper, and I fell in love with Chloe. I'm so happy she's here. It's Chloe Fineman! Hello! How many stripper shoes are behind you?

Because I'm trying to count and I see about 30? An incredible amount. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. And then there's a pair on the floor over there. I have 21 pairs. And then two in my car. OK, the joy of strip shoes in your car

is something I didn't know I needed in my life, but there's something about like opening the back of your car and being like, yes, I'm this woman now. I can do it anywhere, anytime. I also have roller skates in my car and a basketball and a blanket, just in case fun needs to happen, Chloe. Yeah, well, I have to say, Saturday we wrapped the movie basketball and a blanket just in case fun needs to happen Chloe.

Yeah, well, I have to say Saturday we wrapped the movie. And the after party was not at Diamond Dolls where we shot our movie. And around 11pm I begged and pleaded that we all go. And then one of the production ladies was like, I don't know what she was on but she put on chaos, our stripper friends, full outfit, like pussy juices at all, got up and did a dance. And then everyone was like, Chloe, Chloe, go, go, go. And I was like, you know what? I have like four pairs in the back of my car. So I put on chaos is top

because I was like, I don't know if I want our vaginas. The pussy out. I don't want my pussy out. And for listeners listening, it was like dental floss. Oh. So I wore her like flame top and denim shorts, and it was a blast. And it's because of what was in the car.

I'm devastated that I missed this wrap party. I wish I had stayed longer and just lived in Syracuse, not shooting. I loved Chaos. If you are in Syracuse, go to Diamond Dolls. Chaos is my favorite stripper. She is incredible. She is so funny.

She kept being like, I want my club back. And it made me laugh so funny. She kept being like, I want my club back. And it made me laugh so hard. Chaos sent me a text after our evening and I thought it was gonna be like, hey, thanks for coming. And it was, hey, if there's anything you wanna give me, here's my address. Like a sugar daddy.

Chloe. She has moved from my favorite person to my top favorite fucking person. That is an incredible thing to do, to meet someone, spend time with them, and then go, hey, if you have anything you want to give me, this is my address. Well, now you have to send her something. Yeah. Well, I asked production to give her the poll.

She has the poll. But now I'm like, you know, when I'm on Amazon and I see something that reminds me of our true best friend and icon, you can always send stuff over. This is incredible. I want you to send her just more dental floss thongs. I'm going to, I'm going to. I also love that you gave her your phone number.

You guys, this is the buddy comedy. Nobody knew they wanted, but absolutely neat. No, okay, wait. How, with you and your stripping skills and love, how does that play in? Because you have a poll in your home, I believe, correct? I do have a poll in my home and I hop on it. I try to hop on it like three times a week,

but it's been so hot that I'm not sticking to the pole. Right. So it's been a little difficult. Wait, how long did you train? So in this movie, it's not gonna come out for a while. Summer of 69, the title might change, who knows. You had to train to be a stripper. How long did you train?

I trained, okay. I found out I was doing the movie like June 1st and I'll say June 7th I was on the poll. And then we didn't shoot the poll stuff until like July 26th. That's really embarrassing. I know all those dates. But I had like a solid like 10 to 12 sessions with this woman I met in Pasadena. I also like went into it being like I feel like I'm better on the floor and I call it whore on the floor and

That's where I really come alive So I kind of we did a lot of zooms while I was away because with I don't have a poll where it was sort of like both of our Busy's facing each other and learning those little like kicky kicks away because with I don't have a poll where it was sort of like both of our bussies facing each other and learning those little like kicky kicks. But I think it's a I think it's the greatest thing for a woman to just woman or man or anyone to discover anybody. Reclaim your sexuality. Yeah. Okay. So you have a partner. You are not single. I'm not single, but I was single for 10 years. Ten years. Yeah, I know.

I know we fucked in the in the interim. But yeah, 10 years. Sure. Getting getting deep, dick dog down dog down. I have never said that before, but you know, I'm going to run with it. So wait, when you were practicing your strip removes and being sexy, did you do any of this for your partner? I will say I immediately came home and showed videos and my boyfriend was like, you have to shave your armpit.

In his defense, I thought I was the hottest I've ever been. And I had like, and that's not for everybody, the hair. Sure. But it was like in his defense, it was the most noticeable part of the video. Listen, if I saw it, I would have been like, that's hot. I love all that hair. Hair's hot.

I mean, who could be bothered? I do shave my armpits, but it is chaotic. And every time I think that I did it all, I'll raise my arm and someone will go, huh, you missed a huge patch. And I go, okay, well, you know, that's my little fun trick for ya. You think there's nothing there,

but there's something there. Wait, so talk to me about being single for 10 years. What ages, was this your 20s? Yeah, all of my 20s. I never, I'd say like 20 to 30. Yeah, cause I think he and I started dating when I was 30. Yeah, I just chaotic and I think I was single because I did everything wrong.

And also I think men need to be a certain age to make it work. And also, I'm sorry, dating in the improv community is a nightmare. Men need to be a certain age to make it work. And also, I'm sorry, dating in the improv community is a nightmare. So I had a lot of horror stories. My one UCB relationship, he was 24 and he dumped me in an email.

In an email? How Berger from Sex and the City? And he looked like Ber burger. He really did. Wow. Yeah, I don't, ugh. Do you remember what the email said? It was like, okay, here's the thing. We had a, like, he was kind of tipsy.

We had already been like, I don't think this is gonna work out. Then he came over and was like, let's fuck. And then it was like, great, great sex. And then I was like, oh, we're gonna like be, this is gonna work out. And then the next morning the email came and it was just basically,

I think it's obviously like no title and it was sent at 9.45 in the morning. So he like fucked me, slept over, gotten his like Honda, drove, you know, I don't know. I was on beachwood at the time, drove to Cuyenga and drafted an email. Wow, the fucking nerve. I know, I know.

That is terrible, but also improv boys are garbage. No offense to all the improv boys out there who might be listening. Oh, actually take offense, do better. Do better. Do better. So do you consider yourself a late bloomer or an on time bloomer? Did you have like boyfriends in high school? That blows my mind whenever people are like, yeah, I dated in high school. I did. I identified. We watched a lot of Sex and the City, me and my friends at a really young age.

So I lost my virginity at like 15 because my friends called my high school boyfriend and were like, you need to go down on her, which is unheard of, but then we did lose, cause we were just like, we thought we knew so much about sex from like Samantha and all those shows. That is so wild to be like, okay, girls, let's get on a group call and tell this man

to eat some pussy. And then he was like, okay, I guess I will. True story. Yeah, we got drunk for the first time at my house. I think we were like 15. A friend of ours didn't know where her clit was. So my friend, haha, I'm like, I don't know if this is ours didn't know where her clit was. So my friend, I don't know if you've ever seen this, didn't know where her clitoris was.

I was drunk, I took my pants off and was like, Hannah, it's right here. Then my mom walked in and was like, oh girls, because Berkeley, I don't know, we're kind of naked all the time. It was like, you know, the early 2000. Hippy dippy. Hippy dippy, topless was normal.

And then, yeah, and then my best friend, Minnie called this guy and was like, you need to go down on her. And then the week after I lost my V-card. Thanks, man. Wow, that's good friends looking out for each other. I also really love that you were like, I'll show you where my clit is.

I, okay, as an adult, because like, okay, mine is, you can find it very easily. So whenever I heard about like men having trouble finding it, I was like, how? I know. It's right there. How?

But then I learned that there's so many different ones and they change. And I was like, wait, this is too much, this is wild. But honestly, you did her a real nice service. I think that is like a pinnacle of friendship because they are all weird little flowers. They are weird little flowers.

Georgia O'Keeffe, she figured it out. She said, I'ma paint flowers and y'all know what it is. Also, I don't know if you're familiar with the play, the Vagina Monologues. Of course. My vagina is an oak tree. I don't, I haven't read it in a long time. Not now.

That had come out around that time and I feel like there was a monologue about like a Britishologue about a British woman taking a mirror and looking at herself. So me and all my friends were obsessed with mirror discovery and finding all your parts and stuff. I did that. I got a mirror out because I was like, I got to see what's going on down there.

And I was like, okay, cool. And then my mom didn't do very much like sex education with me. Like nobody taught me how to insert a tampon. And I remember I thought the cardboard applicator stayed in you. And I walked around for like two hours with cardboard inside me.

And I was like, this hurts. I guess I'll just go back to pads. But then, you know, later I learned the applicator helps it get in and then you take it out. Chloe, you know, it's tough being a lady. It's tough. Wait, so what did your mom, was she just like, I'm not telling you that.

Well, I didn't ask. She was like, you use pads, use a pad. And I was like, okay. But then I heard about tampons and I was like, like, use pads, use a pad. And I was like, okay. But then I heard about tampons and I was like, well, that seems easier than a pad. Pads, I don't like them. I think you just, no offense to anyone who uses them. It's like a diaper and you're sitting in your filth.

A diaper, yes. You are sitting in your filth. I don't like it at all, not one bit. Chloe, so wait, was that your first boyfriend or did you have like boyfriends in middle school, in elementary school? Okay, I grew up in Berkeley, then I moved to a town where the women were advanced

and it was really jarring. So I moved to this town between Berkeley, it's true, between Berkeley and Oakland in fifth grade, day one at this new school, they were like, who do you like? And I was like, Andrew? And they're like, he's taken, what about Tommy? And they were just like coupled, it was like coupled up school.

And I didn't grow up with them, it was like super jarring. We were weird girls who didn't like boys. But yeah, I'd say like starting in fifth grade was when it all, sixth grade was my first boyfriend, I would say. But that's crazy. Wait, tell me about, tell me about the worst one you dated. Oh, god, where to begin?

Okay, one of my favorites was the first older man I ever dated. I was 20 and he was 30, which now is like, gross on him kind of, I don't know. It's shitty. I'm like, it's shitty to date a 20 year old when you're 30, sorry. I think so. Only because it's like 20, you're still a child, I think. Like you're still making dumb choices and shit

and 30, you should have your shit together a little bit. A little bit. OK, so he was 30, you were 20. We were in a play about like George Washington. So I was in a bonnet and he was in like tights. He and I started our illustrious affair backstage at a play that like paid us in Metro cards. He was about six feet tall,

but he used to be like 700 pounds, like he used to be 700 pounds, which, and then he did mess, a lot of mess in Las Vegas to lose a certain amount of weight, which I was like, oh cool. But he had like a weird skin complexion. You're telling me that you dated a man who was 700 pounds, moved to Vegas,

did meth and became an actor? Yeah, yeah. Well, he was from Vegas, was pretty, and like bodied whatever, but did a lot of meth to lose a significant amount of weight, discovered his love of acting, then got the surgery. So all this to say when we went to have sex, he had like crazy scarring. He was very nice guy, chain smoked. And it was like a very sweaty sex. And he kept being like, he kept being like, God, if I could just get your clit.

He was like mean to my clit or something about like, if I could just get you to come, like just come. Like he was impatient. And then the real kicker is why did we break up? Oh, I'll tell you, we were walking in Central Park and we got in a fight about him. He called Marion Pootillard crazy, and I broke up with him over that in the park.

Wow. Every sentence was wilder than the next. Nothing could have prepared me for any of that. That is truly, I wonder where this person is now. I think he's in Brooklyn. I love it. I love it. Bushwick doing math. Okay, I'm just stuck on Brooklyn. I love it. I love it. Bushwick doing meth.

Okay, I'm just stuck on the meth to lose weight. Was that, he said I did meth in order to lose weight, or he was like, I found meth and happened to lose weight. I think it was like, I did meth at home. I was really into meth. My mom saw I was like making art, like, cause she would make these like weird like skull things. Clearly I don't, I don't know what my taste is.

So he was making like skull art with like spray paint. And then I guess you just assumed that that was what was going on. And then it was mess and he lost about like a 200 pounds. He lost a significant amount of weight and then had loose skin from the mess. Wow, what a life. I am honestly, it is funny.

You were like, no, the people I dated were wild. And then you were like, and here it is, here's the wildness. Oh my God. I, okay, so wait, how long were you together? I feel like we dated like six months. Like a fair amount of time. That is Chloe. That is wild.

But I'll tell you this, all riddled me that, do you ever date people and you're like, oh, they remind me of blank? And like in my head, I was dating Philip Seymour Hoffman. Mwahahahaha! That is, oh my God, that's truly a treat. Yes, I have dated people because I was like, oh, they remind me of so and so, but oh boy, Chloe,

I love that so much. What is like the worst date you've been on? Where did we get, the worst date I've ever been on? I've gone on, like in New York, I had a lot of dates that would be like, hey, hey. And then I had one where like within 10 minutes, we got in a fight and then just like ended it. But I don't know if that's, gosh.

What did you fight about? It's always something, at the time clearly it was like over an actress or like something I would be like offended by and I would be like, this is not gonna work out in my like NYU. I really do love that in acting school you took it so seriously. You're like, I will end a relationship or a date

if you don't like the same actress that I like? They're all bad. Like I'm just like in my head, I keep being like, oh, well there's that. And then like each one's, I'd say, okay, here's one that always made me laugh. I dated a guy in Israel. I went on birthright and we had like a seven day relationship.

And then we got to LA. He like made a reservation at a really nice restaurant. He pulled up in an Audi and I was like, oh my God, but he was like 27. And then he was like, come back to my place. And then we had to drive like to the airport basically, because that's where he was living. And it was like a frat house with like five roommates. And you know, with like a guy apartment when there's like, like a film of like shit. It's absolutely disgusting. All the towels are hard and crunchy.

Hard, hard. Yes. Seamen mold towels. You could like punch it and it would shatter. Yeah. And it was like so shockingly different than like how he had presented himself. So we went back to his like discussing home. We had sex, he made my butt bleed, which I was like, okay, that's interesting. It was just kind of rough with his hands. And there's, made my butt bleed.

And then I thought we'd cuddle. And then he put on a sleep apnea mask. And I was like, oh, you're Bane. Oh my God, Chloe. Okay, I asked for the worst and you said, I will serve it up. Do you want to know the worst part is that he ghosted me after that time. I constantly feel that where I'm like, I'm the best thing you've ever fucking met and you don't want to talk to me.

What is this? I know. It's so shocking. Have you had guys where they ghost and then they come back around because you're a successful goddess? Nope. they ghost and then they come back around because you're a successful goddess. Nope, not one person that has ghosted me or broken up with me has come back around.

I really run them out of town. They don't want any of this. It truly, it should make me feel worse than it does. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well, no, no, no, cause they're, they're shitheads. This guy came back around, but it's only because, and this is also to add to clearly my insane taste in men. Are you familiar with Oming?

Orgasmic meditation? No. Okay. There's a documentary on Netflix called Orgasm Inc. you should watch. And it's basically like when I graduated high school, a friend of mine got involved with this like organization in San Francisco called Oming. And basically it was like orgasmic meditation.

So like strange men with like stroke of woman as part of like a yogic, like being the present moment practice. And then when I was doing all my improv stuff, I would see the bracelet, like it's like a live strong bracelet, but it says, oh, and there were a bunch of like improv guys who were stroking clip in Santa Monica. It's so, it's so wild.

I was sorry. You thought you'd have like a normal chat. Anyway, long story short, the leader of the cult basically. The leader? The leader kind of got in trouble because they were overcharging for the clit massages and people were like, this is sex trafficking. Anyway, so I'm Googling,

because I'm curious about it because it was happening where I'm from and I have a friend who was doing it. So I was Googling it And then this group is really small. And then there was the guy who ghosted me. Now he's into the oming stuff. And he and the only reason he came back around to like, to like reach out and atone for ghosting me was I think because of this like clit workshop that teaches about female pleasure. So wait, okay.

So it's a yoga group where men and women come to do yoga and then during the yoga, the men stroke your clit and you come? Yeah, well, so basically it started around like, okay. So like, I'm so obsessed with it. I cannot believe you've never heard of Ome. So tech happens in the Bay Area. Yeah.

This woman decides that she's gonna be like the Gwyneth Palfour of San Francisco and like thinks that like if more women orgasmed, we'd have world peace, which like, sure. So then she starts, she has this like warehouse in San Francisco and she like gets all these people and it's about female empowerment. And the whole thing is like, there's not even yoga, you just lie on your back in a position and you'd do a 12 minute ohm where like a guy just goes like this basically with his

little fingers. And then it was like featured in Goop. So then it was like featured in Goop. So then it was like legit. And there was like all these like tech guys got really into it. Cause the Bay area is clearly weird. That's where I'm from. And it's still kind of happening.

It's kind of interesting. There was like, I got so fascinated cause there was a guy at like my genius bar guy when I'd go home at the Apple store. I later saw it in one of the Clint instructional videos. There's a Clint instructional video. This is so wild. I have to find it for you.

It's on video and it makes me laugh because the first step is called a noticing step. And the guy who literally would like fix my computers in this video is like, uh, your pussy looks pink and, uh, your pussy is pulsating. And like, they have to like notice the pussy before they touch the pussy. And it was just like so jarring. It'd be like your Task Rabbit has like a whole other... This is, I, wow.

Chloe, this is wild. I'm... I'm shooketh. Wait, okay, so since you have gained notoriety and fame, have more people come back into your life being like, hey, I fucked up. No, it was just that guy, which was like kinda interesting. Everyone else had moved on and have, you know, and I still am mad at them, cause I'm petty.

Oh my God, I love this. So wait, at NYU and Tisch, is it like one class that moves or is it like different groups of people? Does that question make sense? Yeah, no, no, that's a good question. Yeah, yeah, there was like a class of us, well, there are different studios. So I was at like, it's Adler,

which was also like the one studio where like straight guys went. So like, everyone was dating because it was the only studio with straight men. Yeah. And they were all like pretty attractive. So that was fun. Did any like drama happen or was it just like we be fucking, now we not be fucking? No, there was definitely drama, always. There was like, how dare you be with him?

People hooked up with teachers. Teachers got, that teacher I think is fired. Oh yeah, it was like a pretty slutty time. There was like a gangbang, I remember. A gangbang? Yeah, there was a gangbang. Did you attend the gangbang? No, but it was a lot of my friends

and I remember being like really confused by it at the time. And I mean, that was like a weird thing I had to process. Wow. And it was consensual, which is like crazy to me, but maybe it wasn't, maybe it'll come out later. I hope it was. But it was like five. What's consensual? It was what, five gentlemen?

Five of my guy friends and this girl. And like, I shouldn't have known about it, but I found out about it. And I was like, so thrown. Wow. I don't, I mean, I don't wanna yuck anybody's yum. I don't know if I could do a gang bang. I think in my twenties I could.

I think I'd be like, woo, yeah, we're all having a nice time. But I do think five against one. And I'm like, oh no, what if they, I don't know. I feel like there's too many factors that you can't truly control. Totally. And then I'm also like, what is this like brotherly love? Like, cause they were all like really good friends. And then I'm also like, what is this like brotherly love?

Like, cause they were all like really good friends. And then I was just like, and then you have to like see each other after, I don't know. It was just like weird, weird. And I think if I had like hooked up with one of the guys, it like weirded me out. It reminds me of challengers.

I just saw challengers. And I feel like a gang bang might also just be a way for men who want to hook up with each other to hook up with each other and be like, well, there's a girl there, so it's not gay. It's not gay. And it's like, hey, man, don't have to put a label on it. Have a nice time.

Don't be weird about it. Totally. It sounded like the gayest night I'd ever heard of. I just remember I have I have like a pretty unfiltered relationship with my dad. That sounds gross, but I've always been able to ask him things and I told him about this gangbang and his only way of like giving advice on it was like,

well, you know, it's really cold in New York. You know, guys get pretty lonely. And I was like, they did it for body heat? What the fuck are you talking about? That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my whole fucking life. That is truly a treat of an answer. Well, you know, men get a little chilly at night.

So they need the warmth of four other men and a lady. That is, oh my God, your dad's an icon and I love that. Yeah. Okay, on that note, we do have to take a break. And we be be be be bop bop bop. We're back. Okay, so you graduate from NYU. Wait, you graduated with Haley Joel Osmond?

You know, I did did actually, I did. And he asked me for my number in college and I got scared and I didn't give it to him. Although that's more of like a dating of Philip Seymour Hoffman. But I took a year off from college because I just needed a break. So I don't think we graduated the exact same year,

but we were there at the same time. What'd you do during your break? Did you travel? No, I moved home and I blew out my thyroid. Oh no. How do you blow out your thyroid? I think I got so stressed, my thyroid shut down, so I took year off.

It was my e-pre love. And I just kind of like, because New York's intense. I think I just overdid it. New York is intense and it's a lot and it's overwhelming. And if you ever want a loan time, sorry about it. You're not going to get it unless you have a ton of money and you can just like live by yourself, which I never did. No, I left.

By the time I left, I was in like a studio dorm room. It was like one tiny dorm room, but it was three of us. And like one of my roommates was always having sex. And I just was like, I need a break. And then I ended up going back. I get it. It's, yeah, that's annoying when someone's like, I be fucking, and it's like, can you not be fucking? I just want to be sleeping.

Yeah, I was also like, and then it was weird because like we had flat beds and she had a bunk bed. And I was like, it makes it worse because it's louder. It's just loud and shaking. And then in your 20s, nobody gives a shit. Everyone's like, whatever I want is what I'm going to do. Yeah. Wait, how old were you when you moved to New York?

I was 18. I moved right after high school. I said, I'm going to go to the big city and I'm going gonna be on Broadway. And then that didn't happen, but I went to an acting school for two years. That was just wild. It was wild.

We did whatever we wanted. Wait, which one did you go to? The American Musical and Dramatic Academy. At the Ansonia. Yes, at the Ansonia. At the Historic Ansonia at 71st and Broadway. I don't think it's there anymore. I think it moved.

But yeah, it was truly wild. Like everybody was fucking each other. Our dorm rooms faced one another. So like people didn't have curtains. So you'd like watch people fucking and they knew you were watching them. It was intense and wild, and everyone was singing Defying Gravity

or Over the Moon from Rent. And it was like, oh my gosh. 525,600 million. 525,600 million. 525,600 million. Green Bay and Earth. I had a guy in school when you said Defying Gravity, who like, we had to do like an introduce yourself,

and this guy literally started crying and was like, wicked in this part of my life. And like full tears. Actors are just insane. They're all insane people. I think I'm insane, but that is very funny to be like, the most important thing about me is I love wicked and it changed my life.

And it's like, okay, friend, okay, maybe you get into a little bit of therapy. So when you get ready or when you were dating, your sister used to style you for dates? Oh, did she tell you that? No, my lovely assistant, Lindsay, who I love so much, she did a little bit of research. Oh, interesting.

Yes, I will say, yeah. You met my lovely sister. She is wonderful. She is wonderful. And we have a cool relationship where she's always been like cooler than me. And yeah, she'd sort of be like, here's how to dress hot. She says I have disco titties, AKA no titties.

Oh, so you can wear like a halter and a no bra. Yeah, because you're just like extremely flat chested. And she did dress me before my current boyfriend and that worked out. We're still together. Ooh, I love that. So she was like, she's been with her partner for a while. So and you were single while she was with the partner.

Was that like hard for you? It was God awful. I hated it because they were I moved home or like I'd be they were living at home. I was at home and I could just hear them fucking, because we share a bathroom. Oh no. And one time, I regret this, but it was like three o'clock in the morning, and I kicked the door open and was like, shut up!

But they weren't having sex, it was just like he had gone to the bathroom and like his shoes. Oh! Like I'm just peeing and you're like, shut up, I don't even wanna hear you fucking pee. That's very funny. Wait, so you were a cheerleader in high school.

I was for two years, yeah. What was that like? Were you popular? Was it like the movies? No, it was like, okay, like Bring It On came out, changed our lives. I became a cheerleader because of it. But then we weren't cool at all. Like I would everyone who did

sports were cool. Like basketball girls were the cool girls. cheerleaders were like weird. Um, but I liked I was like co captain of this squad and and I got to be dirty. So we had like a lot of inside jokes. I was called the cleat oris. So we had like a lot of inside jokes. I was called the cleata oris hmm, and we had like fun like fun formations, but we had these like Your coaches who look like Abby Lee from dance moms

They were like literally to Abby Lee's so they never they do what Abby Lee does were like They sit are so mean and like never get up them like teach you anything And we went to cheer camp and they sat the whole time and like yelled at us and then all the girls got injured. So they got fired. Oh, my God. That's wild. And that reminds me of the I watched a little bit of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader documentary. And I feel like the ladies who are in charge of it, they're just like

sitting down being like, you have to jump into that split better. Also change your hair. And it's like, oh, I mean, what are you doing, they're just sitting down being like, you have to jump into that split better. Also change your hair. And it's like, oh, I mean, what are you doing? You're just judging? No, literally, literally. And like, one kind of, yeah, they're all kind of cut from the same cloth or they're cross-armed

and are like, you need to put your shoulders down, hair up, why is she grimacing like that? It was like all of that. And they're, cause they were like around their age, like just like women in their, I don't know, what are those women's 60s? 76? I don't know. I'm not gonna-

Too old to be caring about what young ladies look like. Yeah, a hundred percent. And then when we fired them, we got these Southern cheer coaches, like came to the town and they, that's when I quit. Cause one of the coaches, they wanted to, they wanted to be like DCC level and I was like absolutely not and one of the coaches had what wouldn't had never eaten fruit or vegetable which I thought

was crazy what an adult who had never eaten a fruit or a vegetable yeah she was like I just don't like the texture because she was like so southern so that was the end of that career. I truly feel like you have interacted with the most insane people and I fucking love it. This is, what a dream. What an absolute dream to meet an adult who's like, I've never had a fruit nor vegetable.

I just don't like the texture. Nor vegetable. I just don't like the texture. I don't like it. It's not for me. It's not for me. I was like, do you know that's how you're gonna get like single? Like that's how like an entire population die?

Yeah, you're gonna get down. Like how do you eat vitamin C? And she looked like her skin complexion was wild. Like I just, I think at 16, I was like, this is not an influence that I want in my life. I think I will continue eating fruits and vegetables because I want to be healthy or at least look not like death.

Death, yeah. She looked like an old timey queen. You know how like Marie Antoinette, they just have that like weird like pale, it was weird. Yes, where they're just like slightly gray and you're like, ugh, you look like you're gonna die soon. Yeah.

So when you were in the Groundlings, did men come out of the woodwork to be like, Chloe, wow, I like that wig, that's hot. No, the Groundlings was so sad and gross. That was like, I think that was like really a dark time in dating. There was a guy who asked, I mean, this was also like, I don't know, I feel like now all those guys are canceled,

but it was like early rumblings in the improv community. So there was like a guy who kept asking me out and I was like, no. And then he was like, you just seem like you've hooked up with a lot of guys. No! Yeah, so that was like, and then he got banned, so that was cool, because he did worse things. There was one guy I met at the ground,

he was this like Southern zaddy. He was so beautiful, he had like gray hair. I was really, I like an older man. Who did he, he didn't really remind, he reminded me of like a man who would be like a coach on TV, just like handsome, CW. We went to a Groundlings show, made out. I was like, great, I'm gonna date a nice southern guy.

This will be such a break from all the insane people I've always dated. And then he just, the next day was like, I still have feelings for blah, as if I brought that out in him. So that sucked. I don't understand why people go on dates. Talk to people when they still might have feelings for somebody.

Yeah. Unless you're fully upfront, like from the jump to be like, hey, I'll go out with you, but I think I still have feelings for my ex. I don't know. Cause then I can make a choice to be like, do I want to deal with that fucking shit or no? Right, right. I mean, I, yeah. It's so annoying.

I was so horny at the time. I do think I was like, that's okay. Like, what are you so shocked? I feel the same way. I feel like if someone in my 20s had presented me with like, hey, this is like a no-go, but I'll go. I'd be like, great, let's go. I just really need to have sex right now.

I think it would be really nice. The older I get, the less I'm like, I'm still a horny person, but the less it matters. I'm like, I just need a nice person would be nice. I know. But yeah, I saw- You're 20s, yeah. So many garbage people.

But it was cause like, I felt like all my friends were having more sex than me. And I would be like, it's been seven months or like something like, oh my God. Or if it had gone like anywhere like between six and 12 months, I'd be like, I just passed the books to make sure it works. Oh.

To make sure it didn't atrophy and didn't shrivel up and go right inside my body. I had a dry spell. I think it was a year. And I brought this guy home, who I'm pretty sure used me for my air conditioner. And he fell asleep hard. And I was like, OK, he's snoring.

And I crept into my roommate's room at the time and I went, hey, wake up. And she was like, what? And I was like, I had sex. And she was like, great, Nicole, go to bed. And I was like, why aren't you as excited as I am? Because it doesn't fucking matter. Like it doesn't matter at all.

No, no. But at the time you put so much pressure. I would, in my head, I'd always be like, I don't know if I remember how to do it. And it's like, literally all you can do is lie on your back, like calm down. Yeah, just calm down. It's like riding a bike.

You might be a little wobbly, but a couple minutes in, you'll fucking get it and it's fine. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, let's take another little break. So wait, your current boyfriend, how did he ask you out? Or did you ask him out? Gosh, I feel like it was like a little bit of both. I, okay, I was like, I reached a thing.

I was like, yeah, I think I'd already turned 30. And I was like, I'm gonna just try and date someone one at a time. Cause I think I had done a thing or I had convinced myself that the reason I was still single was cause I'd never like fully been like, you didn't work out, you. So I'd always kind of have these nothing burgers.

I don't know why I said that. I had this guy in Brooklyn who I really was so obsessed with, but he had, so probably had a penis in his, a pump in his penis or something. And that was fascinating. And so like, it never quite worked out. And then, cause like, I don't know, maybe he didn't trust me with the pump and I don't know. It was like a whole thing, this stupid dick pump.

Okay. Or a deal. So we, and then I didn't know if he would like me. And so he came to LA and he would do these like proposal videos online or something. And I was like, let's make a comedy. Like I kept trying to like collaborate and like do comedy with funny guys. And then they would be kind of flirty.

And so we did some collaboration where he proposed to me or like a public proposal. And then it was almost like a flash dance where he like proposed in public. And then I was like, well, we have to kiss in the video, right? And he was like, no. And I was like, but I think it'd be more believable

if they kiss in the video, right? He was like, I don't know. I was like, I just feel like, I just feel like, I don't know, if I was watching, I'd be like, well, they have to kiss. And then we're going to kiss. There was zero physical chemistry whatsoever. So I shut it down and then my boyfriend had asked me to go to like a pumpkin patch or

something weird, which he said at the time he wanted to, because I think in comedy, like we're all friends and what a deal. And it's confusing for he thought if it was a pumpkin patch, it clearly seemed like a date. Fair, but that could go either way. That's how I felt. Yeah, like I feel like if you're like, oh, well, we are at a pumpkin patch.

This is like a cute date thing. I feel like a dude could be like, pumpkins are for friends. Whoa. Yeah, no, literally. Especially, he's a standup. So obviously he's like, no, I just like needed to buy a pumpkin and like, no, I just needed to buy a pumpkin

and you're here. The amount of dates I've gone on that are like, oh, I'm just gonna watch you do your activities. It is wild. I feel like you'll date so many people who never ask you a single thing about yourself or never ask you a single thing about yourself or never ask you like what you want to do. Like for a long time I was like, oh, if he plans a

date, that means he cares. But it's like, it's all it's like, it feels like it's a control thing. And also like, yeah, I'm not interested in you thing. Or it's like, they have such a wall of I don't know, guys, I think the bullshit is bullshit is like, I just want just wanna know if you can hang and you're chill. And then it's like, well, no, cause we need to have chemistry and I'm not your babysitter. I dated this, it's reminded me of actually the worst date

was this guy named Clay. I met him at an open mic where he would tell really, he definitely like school shooter vibes. Oh no. But like was kind of hot and he was like. Chloe. He's like a hot school shooter.

You're like he makes me afraid for my life. I like him. Okay. So we had school shooter vibes. I was living in downtown. He's like, oh yeah, I'll be down there like suddenly. And I was like, sure. So we like met at Grand Central Market. He proceeded to order like a giant steak sandwich. And I was like, oh cool. Didn't offer to buy me anything. I was like, okay, yeah, let me just like watch you eat that.

And he was like, let's go to Chinatown. And I was like, okay. And he's like, I'm craving pork buns. And I was like, awesome, I'm not. But like, okay. Then he got pork buns, watched him eat pork buns. Then we went to Silver awesome, I'm not but like, okay, then he got pork buns, watched me pork buns. Then we went to Silver Lake, I watched him eat tacos. And then we went to a skate park and I watched him skateboard and I was like, oh, I

just like, watched you do your day and it had like, nothing to do with me whatsoever. Then we I thought we would like, this was like the first test, then I thought we were gonna like have like an actual date. So he was like, I'll cook you something like let's hang out at night. And I was like, okay. And then he texted me while I had Ubered, I got in my car, which was like a big mistake.

So I Ubered to someplace in Echo Park and he got a text that said, fuck, I'm covered in blood. What? Like a real school shooter. And I was like, what? And then he was like, pig's blood. Cause he was like learning to be a chef and I get to see him dropped a page

and he was covered in pig's blood. And that was how he like got out of dating me. And that was the end of that. Wait, Chloe, this is absolutely unhinged. So this man texts you, I'm covered in pig's blood. What did you say to this man? I was like, literally, because I'm so pathetic, I was like, no worries, like we can reschedule.

I did like Uber here though, but like how long do you think it'll take to clean up? And he was like, I don't know. Oh, and then he goes, I don't know. It's a lot of blood. And I was like, cool, cool. Okay. Wow. What an absolute nightmare.

I know. Did you text again after, or did he text again after, or was it just done after that? I think I texted one more time, and then I was like, I think I need to move on. But now in retrospect, like he had tattoos, he kind of was like a character on the bear and I think he's a chef now.

So I do feel like I had taste, he was just not ready to. Yeah, he hadn't fully cooked. No. Chloe, I have a question. Do you have any advice for single people? Yeah, of course. Okay, well my first advice was the thing I felt was great. I didn't go on dating apps, I just use Instagram.

What? Like just use, go back to using Instagram as a dating app, just like slide in the DM, I don't know, I feel like everyone makes such a hullabaloo with like Raya and stuff, but I'm like, go back to the old school. I never went on Tinder. Really? You were just sliding into people's DMs and people were sliding into yours? Yep. And then it was like, we should hang out. We should hang out. I don't know. I felt

like that was like, clearly I dated crazy people until my boyfriend. But I don't know. I felt like if you're having trouble on Raya, because I have a lot of friends who have trouble on Raya or Tinder, whatever the other ones are. I think that's good advice to use Instagram. That was always like, because I would like, well, back in the day, do people still do, what was the number you had to make like a big profile? I think that's eHarmony or OKCupid or match.com.

Yeah, did you ever do that? So I am one of the two or 3%. I can't remember the exact number who are rejected from eHarmony. How? So I did the whole questionnaire and I'm funny. So I realized that they were asking the same question in different iterations.

So I would give a different answer to the same question. I think they were like, she's a sociopath. She is crazy. And then they're like, sorry about it, you can't be here. And I was like, oh, okay. It really was a blow, because I opened up my Dell laptop to fucking fill it out. And then they were like, no, sorry,

we don't want your money. So yeah, I tried, but I didn't get on. But I'd been on Tinder and I'd been on Hinge and Raya. And yeah, I was just on all of them. Bumble was the worst for me. Yeah, I hated Bumble. I hated it. But why?

If you're sliding into DMs, wouldn't Bumble be good for you? The guys were gross. I don't know, it just was gross and like everyone was a dick. There's just something unfortunate. I think you should like, like my boyfriend and I have like way a lot in common and I think I wanted someone with like similar. They don't have to be like in the industry per se, but I do feel like there's something to like

go to a comedy show if you wanna do someone funny or like being in the comedy scene and then you'll find that or like working in a, on a production. Like this movie we just did, the rap, I was like, okay, so they're fucking, they're fucking. I don't know, like this movie we just did the the rap I was like okay so they're fucking they're fucking I don't know like you kind of I know I know but there's some maybe set of like meeting your person doing something you love even if that's like rock climbing or well there was there is this man on

Instagram who has this video that keeps appearing in my feed where he's like you're not gonna find somebody you want in a bar you're gonna find someone doing Well, there was this man on Instagram who has this video that keeps appearing in my feed where he's like, you're not gonna find somebody you want in a bar. You're gonna find someone doing the thing you like doing at a campsite, at a bowling alley, at a pool hall or like whatever. It's like, yeah, find somebody with similar interests. And I'm like, honestly, good advice.

Yeah, well, that's kind of how I met mine, you know? And I did get it. I was like, if I was single up in bumfuck Syracuse, I probably would have slept with one of these. Yeah, why not? Have a nice time. Yeah, in a sweaty little den, you know? A sweaty little den.

Well, Chloe, we have reached the end. I could talk to you all day, every day. Same. I adore you. Truly, I loved working with you. I think you're so funny and wonderful. And my favorite moment is you had like a little bit of a monologue and Chaos, our stripper friend, right after cut was called went,

I think we got it. And I was like, wow, Chaos is telling us to move on. It was the best take and she was right. Okay, wait, last thing I stayed up. So the reason we were at this club so late was because I had told you that chaos does M&M on the pole. Long story short, I had like this much alcohol, paid Chaos all this money, like whatever Chaos needed. Chaos finally goes up. Jillian was still there. Jillian has like go pack to go. Jillian Bell are amazing director. And Chaos takes out like a tiny fake microphone and doesn't touch the poll one time, but basically did like a lip sync of Eminem. And all of us, like,

everyone was so excited at first, and then we were kind of like... That's so funny. Chaos is one of those people where, like, you know the fucking Instagram videos or the meme where it's like, never let them know your next move? That is chaos.

She spells her name, Kahos, and she never lets you know her next move. She's one of my... So if you want to find her on Instagram, you just go to the Diamond Dolls Instagram, and then she's like in their tag pictures. That's how I found her. Yeah. Legend.

Anyway, Chloe, thank you so much for doing this. This was great. Do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, gosh. Well, this movie will come out in a year. Um, SNL's coming back for the 50th. Woo! Woo! Woo hoo!

Gosh, you know, oh, Megalopolis, the movie where I tongue Shia LaBeouf and tongue Natalie Emanuel comes out September 27th. It's really weird and you should see it because it's really weird. Well should see it, because it's really weird. Well, Chloe, here's another question. I ask almost everybody this, I've only skipped it maybe five or six times, would you date me?

Of course I would. Oh my God, you're such a catch. You are delightful. Thank you. Chloe, truly, thank you for doing this. And if you liked this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe. Give me five stars on Apple Podcasts.

And if you write me something nasty, hitting on me to whywon'tudatemepodcasts.gmail.com, I will read it. Okay, this person said, Nicole, I flew you out. That's a dream. I always wanted to get flew out. I'm picking you up from the airport in my Nissan Ultima. Uh oh, you drive crazy.

The whole ride back, I'm unable to keep my hands off of you, groping your thighs, running my fingers under the hem of your shorts. I ask you if we could pull over. You say no. I'm a lady and you better treat me right. I agree with you and take you to the hotel I have booked where there's a jacuzzi in the room.

I pour you a glass of champagne and run you a bath. While in the tub, I rub your shoulders with oils and slip my hands beneath the water to massage every inch of you. Oh my God. Until I get between your legs and tease you with my fingers. I undress and join you in the tub. I continue to rub your clit while kissing your neck

and breasts until you begin to shake and come on my fingers. You get out of the tub and lead me to the bed where we passionately slurp on each other all night long. Then I take you to breakfast and drop you back at the airport for a sensible afternoon flight. Let's do this again sometime I say, but you remain aloof and don't give me the satisfaction of a response. I salivate thinking of you until I can save enough money for another rendezvous. That was pretty sexy.

Thank you. Bye bye. Wow. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer. This show is produced by me, Mars, with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. It's executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Mars, with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Maddie Ogden.

Got a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywon'tudatemepodcasts at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Deedoo boo boo boo, bye bye. Thanks for listening, we'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye bye. This has been a Team Coco production.