Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Orgy Invitation (w/ Mark Rennie)

Episode Date: January 12, 2024

Comedian and friend Mark Rennie (The Onion) joins Nicole to share his experience attending a gay meetup on a Star Trek cruise, and being invited to an orgy. Nicole shares her idea of a dream orgy to attend, plus the plans for her funeral which involves inviting all of her ex-lovers to talk about her pussy. They also discuss determining your needs in a relationship, their goals for 2024, and Nicole's recent attempt to date a redhead in Dublin, which didn't quite go as planned. Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Do baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast from me, Nicole Byer. I was trying to figure out why I was still single, but I did so many episodes, never figured it out. So I'm gonna be nice to myself and just be like, hey, she's single, whatever, interview people I like. Okay, my guest today is a hilarious comedian who's written for

The Onion and Gay of Thrones. He now co-hosts Chew Old Queens, a podcast searching for the gayest movie ever made. And I believe I did an episode on cats and I loved cats. Also, I just went to Tam O'Shanter's with Mark Rennie and he's the best. I'm so happy he's here today. It's Mark Rennie. Hello. Wow. What such heraldry. I feel like royalty.

You are royalty. Thank you. Mark, how are you? You know, it's Friday right now. Is that okay to say? Are we breaking the podcast time? I'm doing okay, you know? I love that for you.

Thank you. Mark, I was telling you before the podcast, I just got back from Dublin and there were no redheads. I didn't meet a single fucking redhead. Even though I looked it up and 10% of the Irish population is what? A redhead. And the only person who hit on me was an 80-year-old man with his teeth rotting out of his head. But did he have nice eyes?

He had okay eyes. They were like, he drank a lot and it showed in his eyes. Oh, no. Also, he was like, oh, I don't it showed in his eyes. Oh, no. He was like, oh, I don't really know these people here. They're here for a funeral. They're here for like an after funeral gathering. And I've just joined them. And I wear a suit because you never know who you're going to meet. And I was like, am I literally meeting the like the the basis for wedding crashers?

And he's just funeral crashers. And then he was convinced that my job was firing people and i didn't tell him otherwise but he was like you're a powerful woman and i was like thank you and then at one point he asked me if i like doing drugs and i said i love doing mushrooms and then he looked me dead in the eyes and said i thought you were straight and then he talked to some other people and then we never got back to that and it was very he was very strange his teeth were the color of my hair they were black black black and they were all fighting each other oh no mark not a single hot person hit on me. I was really upset. Everyone was really nice in Dublin, but no hotties. I've been to Ireland a few times and like, yeah, people are, and you're just like driving

down the road and like, oh, there's ruins, like ancient ruins on the side of the road that aren't even a museum or anything. They're just there. They're just there. But people are like super, where did this assault happen? Was it like in a pub? Okay, so I was alone working. I didn't get to go with friends or anything.

And I test drove at the Intercontinental Hotel where the median age was 162. But I was like, if I feel comfortable with these old crypt keepers then i'm gonna go to a pub by myself i ended up not feeling the best with the old crypt keeper so i didn't go to a pub which seems sacrilegious to go to dublin and not go to a pub well the thing like when i've been to ireland they were like there's like i was in one town and there's like 10 there's pubs for every like this is the young person's pub this is the pub you go to with your family this is like the old person's but like there's pubs for like not every pub is the same you know which is kind of great but i was uh closeted when i was in ireland so i didn't do anything i didn't do anything we gotta get you back there being gay and proud. I would thrive.

I'm ready. I think you would thrive. I will say, everyone was so nice to me. In the airport, I would be like, oh, do I go this way? And they'd be like, yeah, if you're an American, you go this way. And I was like, that would never happen at an airport in America. They'd be like, no, no, no. You motherfucker.

Don't look at my baby. You dumb piece of shit. Don't look at my baby. I am a terrorist. Honestly, I would love to be called a terrorist at the airport. That's funny. But I guess not funny.

But also, I went through customs and they're like, why are you here? And I was like, oh, I'm shooting this thing. And they were like, oh, is it an American show? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, okay. And they let And I was like, oh, I'm shooting this thing. And they were like, oh, is it an American show?

And I was like, yeah. And they're like, okay. And they let me ride in the country. That's all you have to say. Whenever I fly to Canada, they like really interrogate you. They're like, why are you here? Yes, Canada detained me once. Who's breaking into Canada?

Who's like sneaking into Canada? No. I don't know. You think they're nice, but then you get to the border control and then they're like, why are you here? It's wild. My problem with Ireland was you get used to one accent in a county. Then you go to the next county and it's a totally different accent. Like the accents shift like the tides.

Interesting. I only stayed in Dublin and I learned that the dart is also called the dart the dart like the game there's a train there's a train called the dart and this driver man said uppity people call it the dort uh even though it's just called the dart so you know i really learned cultural things there in dublin so the single scene is geriatric from the sound of it from where i was and i'm probably wrong and there was probably a fabulous pub for me to go to but i just i got a little um frozen as i've gotten a little older i've become less like whatever i'll do it because i feel like my time is more valuable and i was like i could just

be cuddled up in a bed not trying to pick up a man and not being rejected and not being sad or yeah but i like the idea of like going out you know i mean i like the idea of like i'm gonna go to a pub and like maybe just have a nice cocktail period and like that's the expectation as opposed to like i'm gonna go yeah my expectation was the latter half and it should have just been like you're in ireland just go to a fucking pub right but i was like but i want a redhead i want donald gleason to fall in love with me very a shillelagh in me, please. What? Who's Shillelagh in? Who's Shillelagh in? Shillelagh is like an Irish, it's like a staff slash hammer.

Oh. I don't know exactly what it does. Put your Shillelagh in me. I'm horny. I heard the car. Fuck me. Huh? I went on a cruise earlier this year the star trek cruise and i was like i

saw on the schedule there was a gay meetup every day at like 4 30 and i was like on the hour every hour on the hour i was like well this will be good i'll clean up in this so i went the first time thinking like well this is great i'm la like i might as well be an 80 year old man with crooked teeth so stop it um so i went and this is how it went i sat down nobody it felt like everybody already knew each other from like facebook groups so i didn't know anybody but the only person i did talk to was a lovely middle-aged woman who was straight and proceeded to tell me all about what it was like when her mother was on her deathbed dying of breast cancer so that was my gay meetup experience

and she knew everybody and like people were coming over to her like oh rachel how you doing and she'd be like hi and they'd be like these hot guys but then she would never turn and introduce me oh my god rachel is a bitch that fucking sucks it really sucked i was like well i guess i'm not getting laid on the star trek crew if you can't get laid on the star trek cruise i did get invited i did get invited to an orgy i'm pretty sure i was invited to an orgy a star trek orgy well it was for one of like the days like when you go off like the what do you call the excursion day when you're like in a port and i think it was in port of ior and it was like the night before we were going to be in port of ior and this guy dressed as um carrie elwes and the princess bride no because it was an all-around

costume party thing oh i see he came up and said to me hey he was very drunk and he came up to me and said like hey a few of us are like we have an airbnb at porto vallarta the next day and there's going to be some you know light snacks and we're just gonna like that's really fucking funny that light snacks is code for fucking. I'm obsessed. It's not about having a meal, but I guess maybe you want like a crudite in between. A deep eat. Just a little meat plate in between your meat dish.

Exactly. So a bit of a, I had a great time, but a bit of a bust on the romance front. Oh, I'm so sorry. Wait, how many orgies have you been to? None. Wait, you didn't go to this orgy? No, I didn't like the guys. Well, cause then like, I'm so sorry. Wait, how many orgies have you been to? None. Wait, you didn't go to this orgy? No, I didn't like the guys.

Well, because then I was like, clearly this guy was really drunk. And I was like, uh-huh. And then he was like, he kind of disappeared. I see. I would, I think I would go to an orgy. I think I would do it. I think, I don't know. Okay, is it like an encouraging orgy?

Do you know what I mean? Because I think I could fuck someone in front of a bunch of people if everyone was like encouraging. Like if it's cliquish. Yeah, Nicole, take it. Like you want like a dance circle. Yeah, go, Nicole. Go, Nicole.

Go, Nicole. Deep throat that dick take that dick and I'd be like yeah that's how I would do an orgy that is very encouraging very like much an improv game like hot spot imagine imagine that

was an improv game alright everyone circle up two of you are going to fuck now yeah feel sorry for the two women and the eight men in that class. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I would love it if I was just getting fucked by all those improv horny men. Mark, I'm so horny right now.

I haven't had sex in forever. And I've been trying to get back on the apps and it's depressing mark the apps are bad i'm not matching with anybody i'm not matching with anybody i want to be matching with all the people are fucking they're uggos they're nasty uh they live a hundred thousand miles away because when i travel i'll match with people um it's bad in these streets and i don't know what to do merc do you ever go to like um like have you ever gone to like speed dating or like some non-app dating events you know like high on myself i don't know whoever knows me and i would hate to go to one of those things and become a distraction sure or like intimidate someone or damper

the rest of the people's experience right right right you need like a masquerade ball like singles event where you're all wearing like masks like an eyes wide shut like Phantom of the Opera oh yes like eyes wide shut I've actually never seen eyes wide shut I've actually

never seen Eyes Wide Shut oh you're fine is that Nicole Kidman and Jimmy Cruz? it is it's set at Christmas time before they got divorced it's good at Christmas time what's it set at Christmas time?

oh so is that a Christmas movie? Absolutely. Here is a question for you. Is Home Alone a Christmas movie? Of course it is. How is it not a Christmas? I'm very liberal, though. Like, if there's, like, an ornament in the background for one shot, it's a Christmas movie.

You know what I mean? I'm like, who cares? Yeah. I don't think it's a Christmas movie. I think it's a movie set movie i think it's a movie set at christmas what's the difference you want like christmas theme like what it makes it a christmas movie i mean it's just this kid gets left home alone during christmas to me that's not a christmas elf is a christmas movie he's from the north pole where christmas is a thing like a real but kevin

learns the value of the importance of family throughout the film. And isn't that kind of what Christmas is all about? Loving, like he learns to appreciate, he wishes that his family would go away. And by the end of the film, he learns, no, I love my family, especially my beautiful mommy. And if that's not Christmassy, I don't know what is. I guess. I just really don't think it's a Christmas movie. You want something like, Santa's drunk and we gotta deliver these presents

That's like a plot you want Yes, the Santa Claus That's a Christmas movie So you need it to be literal like Santa, reindeer Yes So no Die Hard, no Die Hard I've never seen Die Hard

Nicole Mark I've never seen any movies that people like which is why i have a podcast with lab because we watch movies that everyone else has seen these are like the most popular movies of all time i've also never seen get this game of thrones oh well you're not are you like a fantasy person you know swords and i'm not a fantasy person? You know, swords and sorcerers. I'm not a fantasy person, but like it held every, everyone was in a chokehold about Game of Thrones. Yes.

Everywhere I went, people were like, Game of Thrones this, Game of Thrones that. And I was like, I'm not interested. That's how I feel about Taylor Swift. Okay. Here it is. I feel the same fucking way. I'm not, I don't want to get involved. i don't want to get involved i don't want to get i wish her well same nice lady long legs a face seems talented um yeah she sings elevator music um i just i'm not spending money to go see her honestly if someone

gave me tickets for free, I wouldn't even go. You know, you sell that shit. You go on a sub. That's not mean. She'll be fine. She's a billionaire. Yeah, you're right.

She ain't crying herself to sleep. Imagine making elevator music and reaching billionaire status. That's a fucking hack. Taylor Swift is a hack. You heard it here first. She's a hack. She hacked the system all i know is the photos for that time person of the year that photo shoot those photos are bad i don't

think she has a great like i think she's a great marketer i think she's a master of marketing i don't think she has like a great sense of like visuals or or style no she's no fucking can you believe she is the time person of the year and beyonce wasn't and beyonce i couldn't believe it beyonce gave us a show also i i'm being biased i have not seen anything from taylor and her arrows tour i just know that there's arrows and she's got legs and a face that's all that it takes, I guess. That's all I know. Don't even need a torso. Can I ask you a question?

Yeah. Are you in a relationship right now? I feel like I know the answer. I am not in a relationship. I'm single, ready to mingle. Yes. I'm also ready to mingle, just not alone. That's what I've learned about myself.

I always knew I don't like going places by myself, but after being in Dublin, I'm also ready to mingle, just not alone. That's what I've learned about myself. Like I always knew I don't like going places by myself, but after being in Dublin, I was like, oh, I actually am crippled by the fear of going to places alone and just being alone amongst people who are friendly. Okay, so what are you looking for? It's the new fucking year. Okay.

Do you have any resolutions and what are you looking for in a relationship that's different than what you were looking for prefer i guess what am i looking for i'm looking for someone uh stable someone like i've always been the stable one in my relationships and now like i want to be the wild one let me be wild but also my version of wild is like we're doing a double feature of movies you know what i mean like my wild is fairly mild but i still would like to be let me know you be the designated driver tonight you know so i want someone fun someone i don't have to worry about at a party you know what i mean someone who could just you could be alone but then also someone um, no, I'm going on a weekend trip with my friends and I'll see you later.

Like, I like that dynamic where you don't have to be, you know, joined at the hip the whole time. Someone who's got their own passions and life and social and friends has their own thing going on and is confident. Mark. Yeah. This all sounds really nice. and i don't think it's crazy i don't think it's like uh unreasonable it seems doable to me it does seem doable but i was on x formerly known as twitter thank you and there you're welcome i know that elian elian musket he listens to the podcast so i wanted to just be respectful isn't he single would you want to date him oh my god elian musket i would love to date the creator of tersela um but um i was on that website and there was this like it was a thread of the women being like, oh, I loved my boyfriend or husband. He was so respectful.

He was so wonderful until I went through his phone and I found out he was like jerking off to our daughter or like cheating on me with like a woman on Snapchat or like having a baby with somebody else. Or like I found his journal and he sexually assaulted a woman. And I was like, wait, so like I could meet a man who could be really, really nice and really, really kind to really, really wonderful to me and have his own life and have his own passions.

And then one day, 15 years into our relationship, I'll go through his phone and find out he was a monster in the past. I was like, first of all, straight man. Journaling is a red flag. into our relationship, I'll go through his phone and find out he was a monster in the past. I was like, what? First of all, any straight man journaling is a red flag. I don't trust it. I've never seen it.

Any straight man journaling at night in his red little diary, red, red, red, red flag. That's always like such a bad. So I think your relationship is in such a bad state. If you feel the need to look at their phone, like I've never felt the need to look at someone else's phone. I don't. I think it's weird if you want to look at my phone. You know what I mean? It's like we should have our own. The fact that you felt the need to like break it and tells you there was something amiss before you even picked up their phone.

Yeah. But you can't trust anybody. You don't. That's the thing that's what's scary and that's why making yourself vulnerable is so intense you know because you might you don't know if it's gonna work out yeah and being vulnerable oh baby i fucking hate it mark let me tell you i do not like it no i've only been in like one relationship and when i would be vulnerable with that person i would be very vulnerable and then immediately go uh i don't like that i'm really sorry i hate it that i told you that uh i'm gonna go walk into traffic now

and then they would have to be like you're fine i appreciate what you told me that you're fine i'm like am i okay um that might be why i'm single i'm a little i'm a lot i'm a lot i'm a lot of human do you do you find yourself having a difficult time being vulnerable with like your friends or family members or is it just in relationships just in relationships because um i have a thing where i'm like oh oh, you're going to go away eventually, so I don't want to make you go away sooner. But with friends, I'm like, these people accept me. You trust them. They like that I'm a weirdo.

Yeah, and it's like I can have big, long conversations with you because I know that I'm not going to lose you. And also, I don't see my friends every day. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just a different, they have like a moment of peace from me. Whereas I feel like.

They can walk away and say, I have plans. Sorry. Dating shit. They're like, oh fuck, I got to come back to this tomorrow. I mean,

there's no, I don't think there's any way to avoid that though. I know. I just, I really, I said in my special, I'm looking for like a man who wants to be exhausted by me or who is delighted by how weird I am yeah but also feels like maybe you're the one who needs

to work on expressing the vulnerability you know because it feels oh yes yeah that's a huge thing my therapist was like Nicole if you are vulnerable and leave, that's a person you don't need to be with. Exactly. Why are you trying to prolong that? And I was like, because I don't want to be lonely anymore. I know. But it fucking sucks. Doesn't it?

I know. It's really hard. It took me so long to figure out, A, what even my needs were. Because if you would have asked me 10 years ago what my needs were like i don't know i just want to make sure the other person's okay you know so but it took me so long to figure out oh what my needs are and then how to express them was always a big challenge for me but i've like and now i've done like i was like my last relationship uh there was only like three months in between relationships and like so the lot when the last one ended I was like okay

I'm gonna go more than three months this time I'm gonna go more than three months without and now it's been over three years but okay but those three years have been like really good for me like I've been you know got a new job I feel like I've leveled up my life a bit you know i've done a lot of therapy i've done the work so now i'm like ready to put expressing my needs into action but i just don't have the opportunities i don't feel the same yet okay i'm not the best at expressing my i need to get better at that or i need to i would like to work on it a little bit more and i'm trying to work on it with friends right um like i always want to make the other person happy so like i would be working or like go away uh when i was dating this other

person and i'd like come home and like just be exhausted hanging out with them and like we'd go out or whatever and i instead it's like i think what i needed to do is like hey i'm actually really tired from being out i would like to spend time with you if we could do something low-key and not go out and in in like exchange happy to go out tomorrow after i've rested but i never knew how to say that because i was like what if they get mad at me which is an insane thing right if they get mad at me then that's not a person i need to be with mark life is wild and hindsight's 2020 that is so true nicole i hate it i've learned it's helpful to say for me it's like because people don't say like hey when you do this it made me feel like this. And like, don't offer a solution. Don't say, so we need to do X, Y, Z.

You need to change. But instead say like, what do you think about that? What can we do about that? When this happened, I felt like this. And I don't like feeling like that. What do you think about that? I'm not saying I don't have a new prescription for your behavior, but I want to let's find a way that works.

I'm not telling you, you need to change or you fucked up when you did that instead like hey i felt bad and if you care about maybe you would want to avoid that in the future what do you think just like as a way to that way i don't feel like people aren't then put on the defensive you know because when you're like saying then it's like hard then you're arguing yeah so i feel just like making it like hey let's let's just talk about this i think that's really great i also in hindsight like realize the way i come at people sometimes i was a little like either passive aggressive or like judgy so i was like reading a book and it was like well why don't don't you just say, hey, this isn't a criticism, but I've noticed or I'm not like I'm not trying to come for you. But I do. I would like to have a conversation about this.

Right. And how I feel about this. But I think it's really great to leave it open ended and be like, and how do you feel? Right. I think because then that creates a dialogue as opposed to like, this is just something you fucking need to do. You care about me and love me. Because also like you've been thinking about this probably for days. And now you're presenting it to this person like this is the first time they're probably like considering that. And like, well, I have a plan already of how this conversation is going to go. And then it never that plan never happens.

So you're like, oh, I had all these wonderful arguments for your rebuttals I had in my mind. But then I never get to use them. I have practiced so many conversations like in my head or out loud. I'll just be in my mirror being like, okay, here's what I'm going to say. Here's probably what you're going to say back. And here's what I'm going to say. And then when you talk to the person, you're like, I was not prepared for that. I hate that you said that.

I hate that you have like a human brain of your own it's so rude it's very rude and it fucking sucks oh my god okay what year is this now 2024 i think 2024 is gonna be my year i'm really excited and i know that i said okay i famously said on this podcast that 2020 was gonna be my my year. Oh, no. What have you done? It's an election year, Nicole. Okay. Well, I never said that it was going to be America's year.

Fair enough. It's going to be my year. Okay. I'm really excited. I really think I'm going to meet somebody. And I think it's going to be good. And, you know, know Mark maybe this will be your year too I hope I did I went

out last night we went with some friends we went to the Eagle bar so I'm like alright gay spaces which are good for me but I never talk to people at bars so I my challenge for next year is to talk to someone at a bar I honestly think that's a good challenge

because LA is so clicky yeah and i feel like everyone goes out with their friends and they don't talk to nobody else um new york was easy new york people will talk to any old person and then there's lots of people who go to bars alone and you talk to the bartender you talk to the people next to you new york is the only place i've ever kissed somebody in a bar in New York City. Really? It was. I was there for DCM, a stupid improv festival, which I'm sure your listeners missed.

It's not stupid. It's called the Del Close Marathon. Thank you. And there's improv 24 hours a day for three days. So it was also the same weekend like Don't Ask, Don't Turn. Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Don't Ask, Don't Turn. Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Just keep going straight. was also the same weekend like don't ask don't turn don't ask don't tell don't ask don't turn don't ask don't tell was overturned and it was gay pride weekend and i went to marie's crisis and when i walked in the gay men's chorus was singing uh lion king i was like well i'm at a

perfect place like we don't have this in la stunning so i just saw at one point there was just like a hot guy and like a black heavy metal t-shirt with sleeves cut off, hot so I just went up and kissed him and that was it I love that It was fun

I've kissed so many people in New York There was a gay club it was like, oh God, what was it? It was called Girls Something. I don't know. Kissed a lot of girls there. It was on 54th.

Girl Nation, which is like. Girl Nation. It was a club called Nation, I think. Yeah, they were like, get out, Live Nation. Where are the girls? And then I kissed a lot of people at this bar called the Blarney Stone. I got fingered outside the Blarney Stone.

How romantic. I think it was the first time I got fingered too, and I was like, what is this? The first time? I believe so. Wow. And then I kissed a man who we exchanged earrings. I've kissed so many people in New York City in public, I believe so. Wow. And then I kissed a man who we exchanged earrings.

I've kissed so many people in New York City in public. And I miss it. I miss kissing in public. I know. I think it's hard. And I don't know. I don't think I have like a resting bitch face. I think I might have like a resting Jeffrey Dahmer face or something.

But I don't think it's a resting bitch face. Mark, I would never think he would murder okay no no no but it's just like a resting like uh so it's not a sociopath but just people don't know how to read me maybe i'm thinking i don't know i think you look rather friendly i think you like down to clown i am down to clown real quick, Mark, real quick. Real quick. We gotta take a break. We're back. Thank God. What a long break. I think, I truly think you look down a clown and you're adorable.

Thank you. And I think you've got like a good aura. I hope so. That's very nice of you to say. I do think, but I'm also thinking like everyone else at the bar is probably thinking the same thing I'm thinking of. Everyone's unfriendly. You know what I mean? So maybe if you just break that or just, I did make eye contact last night With a few people

Which is very exciting Okay That is exciting You basically fucked Yeah it's basically the LA equivalent Of getting fingered outside the Blarney Stone So baby steps Baby steps

One hunk at the eagle Who's like pecs were bursted out of his t-shirt Not only smiled he raised his eyebrows why didn't you go talk to him mark we were all we were on the way out my friend was in front of me so you know what i mean it was like oh i see and then you feel like the moment has passed but now now in over 2024 2024 it's all gonna change i'm gonna talk to people because i don't like that i feel like i don't come the app. I feel like I don't come across well in apps. I feel like people don't get that I'm, like, joking.

Or, you know, they don't understand, like, tone is tough to read. You know? Yes, tone is very tough to read on the apps. I don't like my photos on the apps. Well, maybe change your photos. I just don't like being photographed. You know what I mean? When I had to get headshots once, the headshotshot person was like you're so good at this and i

was like shut up don't lie to me you just say that to everybody mark but it's true i have a copy of your headshot from when you were a kid and these headshots are so cute there is one of you in a karate uniform oh yes there's one with like little glasses and there's one of you in a karate uniform oh yes there's one with like little glasses and there's one of you is a little hobo with a little hat on that's right and gotta say you take a fabulous picture thank you well i maybe should put effort into these things but i also don't like the app like my ideal way to meet like i want to go to a dinner party and meet somebody that's like my preferred if someone could curate singles dinner parties, that would be great.

Honestly, that is, that's a business idea for somebody. Should I do that? Maybe. I would go to a dinner party. Dine and dick. Dine, dick, and dash. Okay, baby.

I would love to meet someone at a dinner party. Because I like that vibe. I would really like to meet someone in person. Yeah. But in the last like five to six, wait, I've been here for eight years, nine years. I don't know. Ever since I've been in LA, I've strictly met people on apps. When I was in New York, I met a lot of people in person that I'd go on like a couple dates with.

When I was in New York, I met a lot of people in person that I'd go on a couple dates with. But yeah, here it's been apps, and it's been pretty lackluster. Yeah, it's tough because so many people just aren't fun. It's also hard when we're friends with the most fun people. The funniest fucking people that I'm like, ugh, I'm wasting my time here with you, where you're droning on and on and on

about tennis and I don't care and you love pickleball the fastest growing sport in America I don't care I could go hang out with any other friend and laugh I went on a second date with somebody and like I knew I had to call it up this is maybe a very LA reason not to see anybody anymore but you know the movie audition is this japanese horror movie no well basically like a creepy guy is like auditioning women under the guise of like a movie but he's really looking for a girlfriend so he's gross but at the end of the movie he gets killed by like a crazy lady and i went on a date and this guy i didn't like how he interpreted the movie because he was like i didn't think that guy deserved that and to me me, that was like, I'm out. It's like the man, an exploitive man deserved what was had got what was coming to him.

And we have to celebrate her. I absolutely love that. You're like, you don't get a second date because I don't like the way you interpreted a movie. God, that's so iconic. I love that for you, Mark. Thank you. God, that's so iconic. I love that for you, Mark.

Thank you. I went on dates with this man who clearly didn't like me and then couldn't get it up and then freaked out about it. And then I was like, when are we going to see each other again? He was like, actually, I don't know. I got to like concentrate on other stuff. And I was like, you fucking idiot. And then we like kept being friends because I he was like let's be friends and honestly in my brain I was like I don't want to be friends with you you've been so boring right I was like but I'll fucking take you up on that challenge you dare me to be your friend I'll fucking be your friend and I

don't know why I was like this I went went to movies with this man. He fell asleep during movies. We saw movies that he wanted to see that were so fucking boring. And now he's married. What? Everyone I've dated is married. Okay, so Mark, here's what I was going to do when I died. I'm jumping all over the place.

Anyway, okay. So when I die, in my will, I have it so Sashir has to call, and I have everyone's numbers of people I've dated, and invite them to my funeral to talk about my pussy. Oh! Oh! And the older I get, the more I'm like,

oh my god, these people are married. They probably don't think that they've like, certainly I won't be called to talk about her pussy, but you are called to talk about it. Should I still do it or should I not? I think you gotta cast a wide net. So I say like, because a lot of them will probably be divorced

by that point. You know, so what's the worst that can happen? They don't show up. They weren't going to come anyways. Big deal. What if nobody shows up to talk about my pussy in the afterlife? Like, will I just be the laughingstock of heaven? No, no. You keep a picture of it in an envelope that you will then be revealed and held up in front of the funeral.

Nobody. So this is what happens. And then we all applaud and it's set to Candle in the Wind or something. Candle in the Wind. I don't know that song. Seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind. something candle in the wind i don't know that song seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind marilyn monroe oh princess die then i see can i ask you about the crush you had on indiana jones as a kid and you wanted to be you wanted to be short round who is short round who is short round he's his little friend temple of doom he's

like a child kiwi kwan indiana jones hangs out with a child and we all thought that was okay we loved it we celebrated it but also kate capshaw was there so it didn't feel weird who's kate capshaw who's kate capshaw you never saw space camp no what's and it's not about drag queens on the space shuttle it's anyway short round is um he was just like uh he went on it he helped indiana jones is it in his adventures you know and only in temple of doom so i feel like he got a fight he gotta be in like car chases aren't there three now there are five oh no. No. Yes, five. And Short Round was only in the second one. But Temple of Doom is where you see Harrison Ford,

Indiana Jones gets poisoned and he turns evil for 10 minutes. But you see him without his hat and with his shirt off and Harrison Ford looked hot. I remember I saw that movie of the theaters when I was like 10, maybe. And I was like, Oh, this is interesting.

This is something I would like to see more of. And it's like, you're young enough to know, like, well, I want to be around him and like go on adventures with him, but I don't know what else beyond that. I just know I want to,

I like this energy. I like the stature and it's Harrison Ford, you know? So yeah. Who didn't want to I like this energy I like uh the stature and it's Harrison Ford you know so yeah who didn't want to be short round I can't remember I guess I do like Captain Picard did it for me when I was little oh sure and then I remember watching American Pie and Shannon Elizabeth had her titties out and I was like those are incredible I can't believe she's just putting them out there for everybody to see I mean if I had

great titties what else are you going to do? put them out there I guess you're right if I had better titties I would probably show them to more people somebody loves your titties I mean somebody does I've learned to love them Somebody loves your titties. I mean, somebody does.

I've learned to love them. That's good. I feel like as I get older, they just get smaller. Why do they get smaller? Mark, if I knew, I'm touching them right now. If I knew, I could tell you, but honestly, I don't know why they're getting smaller. Like, are they receding back into your body? Maybe they're going to be on your back in a few years. They're going to be popping out your back in a few years.

Mark, don't put that on me. I don't want back titties like that. Mark, that's the worst thing you could wish on somebody. I'm not wishing it. You back-tittied bitch. They're going to recede right. Good luck buying a flattering top. You back-tittied bitch.

Although fun when make it out for like the guy to hold you. That's fun. Oh my God. Back titties would be nice for a straight man to fondle as he makes out with you. Tough for driving though.

Tough for driving. You'd be leaning forward a lot. You're like punching forward. The hunched hit of Notre Dame. Oh my God. That's great great that really got me good the hunched hit of notre dame um i love it listen mark i just we need to figure out i mean i guess we can't really figure out together how to get in relationships because you gotta go with the gays and i gotta go find a man i guess i heard about a single thing uh mess hall a local la haunt where they do where it is like gay and straight people to get like everyone wears like a wristband

and like that color indicates the color of the wristband indicates like i'm a man seeking a man or whatever whatever your flavor is is. Interesting. So I was like, oh, that might be fun because then you could go with like a buddy too, you know? Yes. Okay. Maybe we can go to that together. I would do that. I'd do that. I don't like oysters, but, you know, they have fun other things.

I don't eat oysters. I'm not a sea bitch like that. Like I don't do oysters. I don't do clams. Clams really make me upset they're weird they're so strange then people season this fucking the clam uh no and then there's clams casino and i'm like are they gambling what's happening i don't want it um i just really got into fish i love a shrimp but please don't serve it to me with its eyeballs and tell me i could

suck on the head not interested as. That's sick as hell. Yeah. Not interested in sucking that head. But I will suck a head of a dick, which I don't know, might be grosser. But dicks don't have eyeballs. Thank you. And they're not like, their organs aren't popping off down your throat. I haven't sucked a dick in so long, Mark. I'm like hungry for it.

Oh boy, what do we do? I don't sucked a dick in so long, Mark. I'm like hungry for it. Oh boy, what do we do? I don't know. Well, okay, here's like, the thing about it is, I could hop on Tinder and have a dick in my mouth by 3 p.m. today. Sure. But I want quality dick.

Right. And I'm like, I really don't want to do any more hookups. I know. I would like to have consistent sex with i know hookups could just feel like oh this is just like uh masturbation plus you know it's just like a little better slightly better than masturbation but not really i had one guy come over once and like he walked in and immediately just like took his pants off i was like whoa whoa whoa whoa at least let me offer you water or something to drink beforehand. Oh, you're going to get a glass of water.

At least let me quench your thirst from the journey over. Yeah. I was like, that was too much. Honestly, when I was in my hookup phase, which was a couple years ago, where I was truly just like trolling Tinder and just inviting gentlemen over, I would have preferred pants off as you come in. Cause I was like, I'm not here to talk. I am here to get my rocks off.

Sure. But now I want to get my rocks off to love. Like there's nothing more inviting and like nice than like, Oh my God, let's have sex because we like each other and we're together a lot and now we're going to like suck on our appendages. Yeah. Like you kind of want like a best friend you can fuck,

you know, someone you could goof off with. Yes, that's all I want. Someone that I can tell all of my secrets to and they like me without my makeup on and they're okay that like sometimes I'll run out of my adhd medicine and be actually unhinged and they're like okay with that but like you're unhinged is like delightful you know what i mean like you're never you're always like kind and funny and like sweet you know what i mean like

you're when you say unhinged like it's not like the woman at that amy's bakery and kitchen nightmare you know you're not like you're not like, you're not like, you're unhinged isn't like toxic and mean and aggressive. You're unhinged is like, oh, she's, you know, painting the walls again. But what a great choice of color, you know? Thank you. I think any, you're unhinged is better

than most people's normal. Thank you. Real quick, we gotta take a break my one unhinged moment that really sticks out is mano and i went to the uh the la auto show last year and had a delightful time and then this year we kept saying we gotta get to the auto show we gotta get to the auto show and i forgot to put it in my calendar we both went away for thanksgiving and then we went and saw a show and he dropped me off and he was like nicole we forgot to go to the auto show and i coughed and gasped at the same time and made one of the wildest noises

i have ever made in my whole life and then we laughed about it for a good two uninterrupted minutes. And I truly was like, yeah, this is what a man would have to deal with on the constant. Me forgetting things and then making weird sounds and then running around trying to figure out how I could still do it. That sounds great. I don't know. Mark. You could have seen new Acuras. Listen, I do want to see new Acuras.

Of course. And I want to see what Honda's doing and I got to see the Mazda art I think it's the RX-8 that they re-released and it was so delightful and I want to see more of that and I didn't get to I don't think you're as much of a handful as you make yourself out to be I think you're a delight and I think any like straight guy or person lady whatever is gonna be you deserve someone who's not gonna be freaked out and if they're freaked out by that fuck them you know what i mean they suck thank you i do appreciate that it's gonna happen and i also think that you're so wonderful and i think it's gonna happen for you thank you and i think it's going to happen for you. Thank you. And I think you're going to get like a cute, nice, quiet, tall man

who's funny when he like needs to be and is super supportive of you. That'd be nice. And he'll be the designated driver on Tuesdays and you'll be the designated driver on Wednesdays and you'll flip-flop around and he's going to be really nice to all of you. I love flip-flopping. I love flip-flopping too I love a flip-flopping too. Okay.

2024 is our year. We're going to find nice, nice gentlemen who respect us with big honking dicks attached. Exactly. Do you like a big dick, Mark? Yeah. What's not to like? But it's not like a deal breaker either way. You know what I mean?

If it's not massive, I'll live. you know what i mean it's it doesn't if it's not massive i'll live but if you have a choice sure but yeah you know i was reading stats on coming and i believe men come 86 of the time and then women in heterosexual relationships i think they come like 60 of the time and same-sex relationships, they come like 70% of the time. And I was like, honestly, it seems high. I don't come all the time from sex. I don't need to. Do you need to? No, like it's fine if we have fun.

Like it's about the journey, not the you know, the destination. That's what I think. Because also sometimes it's fun to add things to the memory bank and then later on, you know, feel the result. Yeah. I once fucked somebody and I can't remember what happened, but we both started laughing so hard.

And it's like a memory that sticks with me. And sometimes I'll conjure it when I'm alone with my Hitachi magic wand, which I fell asleep with last night. Because I got back from Dublin last night. Was it vibrating the whole time? No, I turned it off right before I fell asleep. I was like, oh, I don't think this is for me tonight. And then I woke up this morning with it still on my fucking labia. Can you even?

I literally can't. I once had a guy. I truly was like, oh. He was like, one of us guy. It truly was like, oh. He was like, one of us came. And he was like, dude, that was cool. And then I just kept going, dude, dude, that was cool, dude. Like, if you can't, you want to be with someone you can do voices with, too. You know, make jokes during it.

And, like, it's fun, you know. Because this is all ridiculous, what we're doing. Because you are making yourself so vulnerable. It is. What are you going to do? But it is funny. We're going to put things inside each other. We're going to eat things that come out of us. And then things are going to ooze out of us.

And we're going to lick them up. Yes. That's funny. Slop, slop. It's a light snack. It's so crazy when you talk about like, I was watching, oh, that movie Salt Burn. It was dumb because there's a thing where like, oh my God, he like drank the bath water that he came in. It's like, like most of the world isn't eating cum all the time.

You know what I mean? As if it's such like a taboo thing. We're all eating cum. Big deal. I mean, yeah. I've eaten cum. Cum is fine. And don't you want your cum to be eaten?

Sometimes it's funky. You know what I mean? That's why I don't understand why cocksucker is the dumbest insult. That's like saying cake maker. It is. Because it's like, yeah. You cocksucking cake maker. Yeah.

And what? I am fully nourished. Yeah. I'm bringing pleasure to the world. Sue me. Wait. So he drinks the bath water with cum in it? I'm more grossed out about drinking bath water.

It's like a straight person thinking gay people are shocking. What are you, like, ladling it into a cup and drinking it? What do you mean you're drinking your bath water? Yeah, because I just, there's like soap in there. Yeah, there's soap and there's body. Have you ever like stood up from a bath and been like damn i was dirty no i don't take a lot of baths though i don't really not even in a hotel not really i know i like a good hot steamy shower and scrub that's like more my jam i'm not so much into the

soak i like a hot tub well that's what I do I fill up a hot tub Almost too hot for me And then I lower myself in there And I go And then I scrub a little bit And then I stand up Towel off a little bit And then I hop in the shower

And finish off in the shower Okay okay I guess I just don't like spending a lot of time in the bathroom maybe You gotta get to a hotel with a big, nasty bathroom. As long as it's nasty. The Langham in Chicago has big, nasty bathrooms. Oh, really? Yes, if you ever go to Chicago and you got money to burn, go to the Langham.

It's lovely. I did go to Hawaii like two years ago on my own. I stayed with friends who lived there for like four days. And then I went to the resort like for three days by myself. And I did hook up there because there's nothing better than hooking up in a hotel. I do love hotel sex. It's delightful. And you have all those towels.

All of the towels. The bed's probably squeaking, which is a fun soundtrack to your fucking. And then you don't have to clean up anything. You right wherever you want yeah you take care of that maid service but you leave a good tip i once fucked somebody so hard that we broke the headboard and it was so wonderful because i was like this isn't my house yeah they got a warehouse full of headboards they're prepared for this this is all they do yeah the marriott they aren't prepped for it they're flush with headboards okay mark i am manifesting more sex in hotels for us oh let me tell you this before i went to dublin i have a lot of crystals and stuff to manifest stuff i literally and it's at my like little altar in my house in a fun place

where i walk past a lot okay like say things um i like prayed at my altar to fuck somebody and the universe literally told me no wow the universe was like no bitch so sorry but i think the universe is like nicole you have to come to terms do you want to fuck or do you want a relationship and if you want a relationship and you want to fuck somebody you love you have to give up your one night stands i think that's what the universe is telling me well i could like sometimes the idea is like going on one date where like you don't hook up maybe you have like a nice kiss or something but like there's that charge you know you feel chemistry i feel that's all we really want is chemistry you know yes and then it's fun like maybe the second day you go a little further and then the third a little further you know i mean like the build is exciting like having fun

in the meantime is exciting and like missing them and like thing like i love because i know uh what the feeling of a crush looks like and i just want to feel that crush you know where do you like listening to the music and like oh the song like is really capturing what I'm feeling. Carly Rae Jepsen, she gets it. She gets it. I'll call them maybe. Maybe. I also like the idea of like getting excited to go on a date.

Yeah. Like I dated someone for a minute and that feeling never got old. Like whenever we went out or like he was coming over, I got really excited. Yeah. For the length of the time we were together, never got old from like whenever we went out or like he was coming over i got butterflies yeah for the length of the time we were together i was always so excited to see him whether we were like on good terms or like fighting over something i was always like yeah and i said to him once i was like it takes you longer to like get over our fights or whatever but i was like even when i'm

upset with you i'm happy to be with with yeah and like i'm happy to like look over and have your face here and i was like oh that's like a thing that's necessary to me like i never want to be with someone where like i hate them you know couples where you're like oh you fucking hate each other today or like oh you guys are right like it's just like this energy is like ugly like there's so much like this energy is, like, ugly. Like, there's so much, like, malice or, you know, vitriol here. And, like, I don't like getting that word. Like, I think my parents have been married over 50 years now.

Like, they're not, like, screamer. You know what I mean? So I didn't grow up in a household of screaming and yelling. Like, I like, hey, we're calm and chill and we support each other. And that's what I want. I don't think either of us are asking for anything crazy. It's just hard to find those people. I feel like I need to go to more events where I meet people who I would never otherwise meet.

I don't know. Maybe we need to go to the, does the auto show have a singles event? Listen. Ooh, that I don't know. That I should look into. But when I went to the auto show, it was a lot of

families and i tried to like make eyes with like guys who were with like their other guy friends and it didn't seem to work out and then i made a like a real misogynistic joke i can't remember what the joke was how many women can i fit in this trunk something like that and this man like turned around and looked at me and i was like uh- oh he hated that so i was like i don't know what the vibe is here um so yeah i don't know mark renny uh but 2024 we're gonna fucking figure it out i think so i think we just maybe need to do things outside of our comfort zone a little or try something different i think so and i think i was i think there was episode with kathy griffin I think I was, I think there was an episode with Kathy Griffin. I think she was like,

I did something out of my comfort zone. She's like, I think that's what she said. And that's how she met her husband. Yeah. Cause I think, cause my friends aren't doing it. No one's setting me up with anybody.

Although, not one, not one of our friends has set me up. That is so rude. Someone did. And they were just like nice. And they were perfectly fine. And you know, just clearly no, but there was no spark. There's so rude. Someone did and they were just like nice and they were perfectly fine and you know

just clearly no. But there was no spark. There's no spark. It's like and you feel bad sometimes like not wanting to see someone like because on paper there was nothing like wrong

or off and it was fine but like I want more than fine you know. I've always said I want to meet someone you can have a great time at the DMV with.

You know we're going to have a fun good time. Obviously I'm not always joking. I'm not one of these people who's on all the time. But I want to be able to, you know, goof off. Yeah. I mean, I

would prefer to absolutely be with someone where we're in a very boring situation and they're just like dee dee dee dee dee dee dee and I'm like tee hee hee'm like and we're truly just having like a dumb time alone. Like I love that.

Yeah, let's make up backstories for everybody in line. Why are they here? Oh, she's like divorcing her daughter or something. I don't know. Oh my God. That's one of my favorite things to do.

People watch and like make shit up and be like they hate each other. They're going to go home and hit each other. She threw him down the stairs this morning she threw away all his funko's what is a funko and why are they so popular where do they come from uh probably china where they were probably made by children but when did they when were they introduced into the zeitgeist like what happened 10 years ago maybe i have one phone code but it was a gift i've never bought one i barely know what they are can i ask you about this you and

a prior boyfriend used to have a code word for hot guys you'd see in public and you'd say cargo shorts that was specifically at disneyland when he saw like a hot dad at disneyland we would like say cargo shorts and like indicate with our eyes where to look. And like, oh, there's a hot dad. That's one of the fun things about going to Disneyland. Hot dad spotting. You get to see the hot daddies. And I love also seeing stressed out moms.

That's my favorite thing. I did enjoy. I was not a Disney person because I went twice as a kid. Once when I was really little and once when I was like in seventh grade and i hated it both times and i remember all like just being like they lock you in here and you gotta pay 30 for a water which i was like something my dad had said and then every picture of me in disney i'm frowning and i look so mad oh no but i went as an adult and i was like wait this is actually very fun yeah i got to see the seagulls from Finding Nemo go, mine, mine, mine.

And I was delighted. And then the people watching is top fucking notch. I once heard there was a little boy outside of like the castle. And he goes like, you know, the moat. And he goes like, look, daddy, ducks. And the dad goes, we didn't come here to look at ducks. And that stayed with me, daddy, ducks. And the dad goes, we didn't come here to look at ducks. And that stayed with me for 15 years or so. That daddy is an absolute icon.

We didn't come here to see ducks. But I always love a mom of like, Mackenzie, Mackenzie, come on, we gotta go to Toontown. Mackenzie, no. Mackenzie. Just like stressed out. We gotta go to Toontown.ackenzie no mackenzie just like stress out go to toontown the dumbest it's probably better as an adult because you're not going with children going with a child seems like a nightmare oh i would never i don't do you want kids mark i would love to be like a stepdad i would

you know i don't have any i'm not interested like babies are cute and fun but you know love a baby but they're a lot of work to like live to be responsible for I don't want to be responsible for a baby yeah you gotta wake up

and feed them and stuff but I'm ready to be a stepdad cause I like you know I think teens are great I feel I feel hopeful

for the future because of the youth of today so okay Mark and I that's why vote for me i believe children are the future let them lead and let them live the way that's not the lyrics i used to think she was saying you know when she says they can't take away my dignity i thought she was saying they can't take away my name whitney which also made sense honestly that, that's great. And I wish those were the lyrics.

They can't take away my name, Whitney. Oh my God, Mark. You're fucking delightful. So are you, Nicole. Thank you. And I really think this is our year, 2024, and the year of our Lord, we're gonna find men. Yeah, if you're like a you know 40 year

old sing if you're a gay 40 year old something single dad or older slide in my dms i'm very friendly slide right up in there he's so friendly i don't think i could be maybe i could be a step mom i know i don't want kids and it's so funny i was talking to um i think a driver and he was like you'll want them don't worry and i was like sir i was a nanny for a while and that was the best birth control i can ask for right because i loved those kids but i got to leave those kids and say fuck them kids right sometimes parents feel like they're like cult members like they're trapped so they want like other help want more people to join this cult they're trapped

in like no no no no no no you're not gonna you're not trapping me oh my god did you watch that documentary on mother love yes all three episodes I haven't watched it yet but I have heard about it and I can't wait to get into it the first five minutes are truly chilling.

Like if that doesn't make you want to watch it, the first five minutes, it's just like cop body cam footage, but it's chilling. Uh-huh. It's good. And it's also nice to see like, oh, a cult led by a woman. Progress. Thank you. Breaking the glass ceiling. We can lead cults too thank you um i haven't

are there any black women who've led cults um probably when you listen to this friends dm me dm me black women who have led cults i would love to get into that also i think it's like twin flame it's a twin flame documentary i need to watch that too. There's two of those though. I don't know which one to do. So I'm not watching either. Okay, get in the DMs and let Mark know which one to watch so he can tell me. I did listen to a podcast about Twin Flames a year ago and it's very dark. It seems dark and I can't wait to get into it.

Because everything I've read about it, I'm like into it. Cold stuff is really fun and interesting. Mark, we've come to the end. Is there anything you want to promote? I mean, you could just like listen to my podcast, Two Old Queens, where we look for the gayest movie. Nicole's been on it. So yeah, check that out.

And I watched Cats. We did talk about Cats. I liked Cats, I think. I love Cats. Because I genuinely think one of Jennifer Hudson's best performances to date is in the movie Cats. Better than Sex and the City, the movie? Uh, yeah. Hot take.

Absolutely. Hot, hot, hot take. Well, okay. Listen to two old queens. If you want to get into Mark's DMs, what is your Instagram? Just at Mark Rennie. And my letterbox too. Ooh, slide up in that letterbox.

Slide up in that letterbox. Ooh, get in that letterbox. Slit. Okay, if you like this episode of, oh, I want you to hate me. You can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.

I don't know. Give me a five-star review. And if you want to hit on me saying something nasty, you can email whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com. Wait, Mark, would you date me? Absolutely. I think we'd have a blast. Ah, thank you.

I wish I had a penis for you. Okay, so whywontyoudatemepod Podcasted gmail.com to hit on me nasty. Don't send dick pics. Mars doesn't want it. Okay, this says pig slut. Let's eat cake like little pig sluts, like the little pig sluts we are. We'll use our thighs as plates and 69 sideways

while we eat slices of cake. Laws and physics don't apply with cake. Your clit tastes so sweet while I fist and finger you until you moan with delight. After we both finish, we will pop a flagel to prevent yeasties. What's flagel? Flagel. Sip coffee or tea in bed and have deep talks about love and life. Then I'll big spoon you and cradle you with my little eggs until we fall asleep.

The end. That's nice. That's nice. That is nice. I would honestly love, I don't want cake in me. I'm not a food in me type person. But I would love to eat cake and cuddle with somebody. Yeah, I don't want it on the sheets either. No, I don't want to do laundry.

I almost just said dishes. I don't want to do laundry or dishes. All right, Mark. Goodbye. Bye. into laundry or dishes. All right, Mark. Goodbye! Search by Lindsey Kempf. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywon'tyoudatemypodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye.

next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.