Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Positive Affirmations to Change Your Psyche (w/ Leslie Jones)

Episode Date: September 22, 2023

Comedian Leslie Jones (SNL) chats with Nicole about the challenges of adjusting to a new relationship, strategies to eliminate negative self-talk, and offers Nicole advice on her latest breakup. Plus, Leslie talks about the married chucklefuckers approaching her after shows, and reveals the dating app that's been a game-changer for her.Follow Nicole Byer: See Nicole on tour! Get tickets at linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, has been trying for years to figure out, why is she still single?

And guess what? After 300 episodes, nobody has been able to close the case. So I'm just going to talk to people I like about love. And my guest today, I'm so excited, is a hilarious comedian who is a cast member on snl siren live you know it she started movies like ghostbusters coming to america she's so fucking funny in it and now she's got a memoir a debut memoir called leslie fucking jones which is out now you better believe it's leslie fucking jones what's up, girl? Hi, Leslie.

Thank you so much for doing this. Oh, well, thank you for having me. I appreciate you. Leslie, are you single? Yes. You know what? It's complicated. It's complicated.

I actually just started dating someone. And I'm going gonna be honest it's hard because I don't think I've ever had uh like a since my first boyfriend after that I really started conquering comedy so I don't think I ever really had a serious relationship you know ever and um so it's weird it's weird. It's weird little dynamics that I don't know if I'm like because I've been by myself so long. So but then there's things about it that I do like. So I don't know. So, no, I'm not single, but I don't know. Fair.

I was in. Is that a good question. I, I, it was a perfect answer. Cause I was in something for a while where it was like serious, but not serious. But also I had never been in a relationship. Like I had never dated anyone past like three months. So like past the three months I'd be like, Oh, so you're just here.

Right. And you love me. So like, okay, great. But then it was like, yeah, bitch, but you then it was like yeah bitch but you still have to like try you still have to like show up you can't take the person for granted yeah because i'm so used to just doing what the fuck i want like because i pay the bills i take care of myself

i do what the fuck i want but you really have to be like oh oh oh you here. So, oh, I can't. I can't just like smoke weed and watch TV all night. I have to be entertaining. Like, it's hard. Yeah. And another, I don't know if you have issues with this. I had a really hard time like letting them know I'm like leaving the country or like going somewhere. I, cause I just go wherever the fuck I want. Because we're, because we're, we just, that's what it is.

And see, like, it's so crazy because I don't want to, I don't want to confirm chauvinist things, you know, when men be like, yeah, that's why you can't keep a bridge. But, you know, yeah, I think this would be with men too you just have to get used to actually communing with someone else um so it is a such thing as like hey i'm about to run to the store really i just like that type of stuff is even weird to me yes i fucking agree because i just leave my house i look at my dog i you got to get in the living room. That's where you stay when I'm not home.

And then I don't tell him where I'm going because he's a dog. But then it's like a human being man that's in your home hanging out with you all the time. You got to go, oh, I'm leaving to go do something. And it felt insane. But you know what was so weird? I think the thing that I like is that the lifestyle that we've chosen for us, because we're comedians, the lifestyle that we've chosen for ourselves when we go out at night.

And I just love the fact that when I come back now, I have someone there. Because it's kind of cool to come down with someone instead of just like having all that energy because you have all that energy after you perform and stuff, you know. So that's nice but you know i just like i don't know it's like i've i found that i'm like okay i i have a real hard time of going okay i want you to do this or i need i because i i just think people can read my mind like you you need to know what i what I'm thinking right now and why because I got mad at him and he was like I'm just trying to figure out why you mad at me like can you just tell me why you mad so I can figure out what's going on and I was like I don't know why I'm mad but you need

to figure it out and we just both started laughing but I honestly Leslie I think that's better than what I would do because he would go why are you mad and I would go I'm not mad I'm not no you gotta tell him this tone you are mad and I'd be like no and then like two days later be like I am mad because x y and z and then like you know time passed and you you know they think you're over it and then you're like no i'm not and it's i i find it's so nice that you could just go i'm mad yeah oh no i'm i'm older now i'm older now so it's so easier now it's so easier for me now because i used to be like that like oh no i'm not mad i mean it's cool no things is cool and then like you you just like snatch her from him you don't want him to touch you and you're're just like, he's like, no, you're mad. Because, you know, just because you're saying you're not mad, you're mad.

So it's just like, I didn't get to the point to where I don't do that with nobody now. If I'm mad at you, I tell you. Like, I don't talk to you. I don't say shit to you. You have to come up to me and be like, are you mad at me? Yes. Yes. Let's talk about it.

Yes. Yes. Thank you for coming over here yes I'm very actually angry with you I'm actually very very upset no but yeah I think I think trying to just learn how to be with another person is odd you know all this time and you know what I you know what keeps going through my head is all this time I've been the single girl. Oh, looking for somebody. Oh, I'm looking for somebody. Oh, I'm looking for somebody. And now that I do have someone, it's like, oh, so, oh, is that job over? Like, okay, well, oh, okay.

So, okay. So this is, okay. That, okay. But this position isn't filled? Like, oh, so now I have to start acting like i'm in a relationship now so it's weird it's a little weird it is weird i was like we were never like we never had a title or anything so i never i was like well this might go away at any moment um so yeah i've never been like oh positions filled i'm no longer you know the girl out here being like i'm so single because i've just been single forever yeah i just i'm like

the next relationship i get into i would like to just be like i know like you it's not a situation ship i know what's happening this is is like lockdown. We have a shared language. I think I would do couples therapy if I ever got into a relationship. Yeah. So did this relationship end? This one that you just. Yes, it did. Like it just ended.

Why? Because I think honestly like a lack of communication. Like instead of being like, hey, can we do something this day? This day is important to me. I would be like, you knew it was important last year. Why don't you remember it was important this year? And that's not fair to do. Well, do you think that you can fix it? Do you think that you can fix it? Do you want to? Yes, I do want to, but I also on the flip side I'm like I don't know if we're a good match like I don't know if my communication style will ever get better I was like maybe I just need some time alone to figure out how I communicate I don't know but you had a lot of time alone you're right

and I hate to say it it's just one of those You have to be grown at this point now and start doing things. You know what I mean? And if this is a person, because listen, I'm older than you. I know I am. There's no dick in the future. So. Imagine if what's his name from Back to the Future? Doc Brown came back in that DeLorean. He was like, Marty, name from back to the future doc brown came back in that delorean he

was like marty i've been to the future there's no dick in the future there's no dick in the future yeah man so you gotta i mean if this guy was a nice guy because i think that's what i'm going through too, is like, do we really match? Because he's very hippie. He's a very hippie, hippie dude. And, you know, he's more kicked back about stuff that I'd just be like, you need to take care of this. You need to do this.

You know, that Virgo in me is like, no, you need to get up and take care of this. No, no. So, but I mean, if he's nice and you think that it's worth it, shoot a text and say that, hey, I think what was wrong with us was the communication. If I'm ready to work on a communication, do you think that there is something there for us to continue? I mean, that's up to you. I think that's a very, but it's also a very grown up thing to do to be like, hi, here are my flaws.

I'm willing to work on them. Are you? Listen, deathbed. I always think deathbed. I always go, what do I want to say on my deathbed? Do I want to say, I didn't even go back? Or do you want to say, you know, I went back and I did try. Like, you know what I'm saying?

I don't know. I do like that i like that style of thinking like why why have a regret why be on your deathbed and be like oh i wish i did that it's like no go fucking do it right i i really i really wish i had been like grown enough to just go back because you know what a closed mouth don't get fed the worst he could do is say hey thank you for coming back but no i think that we made the right decision yeah do you say and then that deal with that because that's real shit because and it to me he's not even saying this about you or him you it's just the match is just not the match. And that's okay. That's the one thing that women have a real problem with.

We're so fucking perfect. We're supposed to match with everyone. No, it doesn't happen like that. We don't. It doesn't happen like that. And then we're so hard on ourselves because we go, what did we not do to make that work? No, it's just a situation. It's just like when you go into a dressing room and try on a shirt. You wanted that work. No, it's just a situation. It's just like when you go into a dressing room

and try on a shirt, you wanted that shirt. That shirt looked cute on the mannequin, but it did not look cute on you. That doesn't mean you hate the shirt or you hate the store. You just put the shit back and go try something else. You know? I think that's incredible because I spent a lot of time being like, what, like with all of my, every relationship I've ever been in has ended, and I've been like, why didn't they want me? Why am I bad? And then I'm like, this isn't about me. It's about what they wanted,

and it was something different than me, and that's okay. And that's a hard thing to just, like, understand. It's very, and I swear, it's for every woman, for every man. I mean, we go through it. We literally go through a mental gym. Because what people need to realize too, half the time, and all therapists will tell you this, we lie to ourselves so damn much. It doesn't even, we lie to ourselves to hurt ourselves. We lie to ourselves to make ourselves feel better.

We lie to ourselves to hurt ourselves. We lie to ourselves to make ourselves feel better. We lie to ourselves constantly. So instead of looking logically at what's really happening, it's about the person. You know what I mean? So you just have to be logical and go, okay, take yourself out of the equation. Sometimes it is you. And it's okay for you to go, yeah, that was me. That was me. And then look at that and see what it is you. And it's okay for you to go, yeah, that was me. That was me. And then look at that and see what it is.

Live through it because you're not going to die because you made a fucking mistake. You're going to live through it and you're going to be a different person after that mistake. That's why it's called. It's like nicking your toe. Oh, okay. I'm not going to walk that way again. Oh, I'm going to pick my feet up. You know what I'm saying?

So it's just, you know, I mean, and I'm saying this to you as much as I'm saying this to myself. And that's real talk. It is a constant thing. Every day you got to like be real with yourself and like remind yourself this is what's up. Because I know I lie to myself all the time where I'm like, I'm flawed and I'm unlovable. And it's like, well, that's absolutely not true. I go perform for hundreds of people and they love me. People in my life love me. My friends love me. My family loves me. myself so mean one time that I stopped and went, why would you say that? Why would you say that to you? That was mean. Apologize and don't ever talk to yourself like that again. It was so mean. And

I had to stop. I was like, that is the meanest thing you have ever said to yourself. Why would you do that? And it's not true. Do you remember what it was? You don't have to yourself why would you do that and it's not true do you remember what it was you don't have to share it i do not actually remember what it was it was something i was fussing at myself about and i think i might have been like he just i think i would have been like dumbass or something something i said russ i can't remember exactly what it was but i was like oh my god no you didn't just say that to yourself. You apologize. I literally stopped and said, apologize now. That is so mean. Don't you ever talk to yourself like that again. I've done that before too. You think something and then you're like, what? No,

you wouldn't say that to a friend. You wouldn't let a friend talk about themselves like that. Exactly. And you wouldn't let nobody talk to your friend like that. So, so why would you not do that for yourself? And I had to tell myself, I was like, yo, you tell people to be positive and you have to really literally go into your psyche and switch that switch. It really is a hard thing. And it's only something you can do. No one can do it for you. Only you can do it. And it's hard because when you come to that decision of, oh, shit, it's up to me. And you get tired and you go, I don't want to have to do that work. But I swear, if you just make the first move, the rest of it comes. Mm hmm. My therapist, I bought this book called Calling in the Right One, where in seven weeks, I'll apparently I'll I'll be able to bring someone into my life it's like it's yeah it's kind of like the secret for relationships

and there's a lot of like um affirmations in it and there was one affirmation that I think it's um I'm open to giving and receiving love. And you're supposed to like say that out loud or maybe you're supposed to like think it in your brain and like do this arm thing. And I started crying and I was like, have I not been open to love? Have I just been like resistant to love? And I was like, oh, so like now I just kind of say it every I don't know, like every couple hours when I'm doing things just to like remind myself that it's like, yes, I want to be a person who is open to receiving and giving love. And I don't think I've ever thought about it like that. I think I've always just been like, well, I'm hard to love.

I'm a difficult person. I'm really loud. Someone's just going to have to like accept all that. And it's like, no. That's annoying. And then to your angels and the things that take care of you, it's just like, oh God, please let her just stop. This is just over and over and over and over. Okay. So when you go to sleep at night, literally five minutes, it's like a thing five minutes before you go to sleep. You really do go into a conscious mode. And that is when you're supposed to say, I'm in love. I'm rich. I'm

healthy. I'm happy. I'm content. Because those thoughts go into your psyche and it becomes a fabric of your psyche. And you do wake up that like like and you say it every night and i have been i started doing that i always do it and affirmations are good it doesn't matter um it's in good ones as long as they're good and positive ones and there is a such thing as writing writing what you want and and and saying and confessing it every day that that is that's it's very true that's what the secret is about but i always try to do it before i go to sleep i go okay i'm in love i'm in love i'm in love i'm in love i'm happy i'm i'm i'm healthy i'm healthy i'm healthy i'm healthy you know it's it you know it helps and and like i always feel like those are little

kindling for stuff to happen because like ever since I started, like I'm healthy, I get, I've been getting up and going to work out every day. Like I got my clothes under my clothes now, you know, and just go and do it. Just you do it. Everybody got to realize that life is life day by day. You just, it's, it's, it is the unknown it is this the fear of the unknown you but you have to know that every day is going to be different yeah every day is going to be different and every day is a new day to like start doing something kind for yourself i started doing these little workouts i've truly been on vacation for a month so I need to like get back into uh the rhythm of what my life is when I'm in one place but I started doing these workouts with this Australian man just

off YouTube I randomly found him it's called the body project he's really hot and he only does low impact things and I'm like wow this hot man he can't do the hard things I love it because he's got knee problems but anyway um they're dumb little videos and I just like really love doing them because he's so nice and encouraging and every time i do and i'm like it's just a half hour you just have to move your body for a half hour i always feel so much better after i do it and i'm like as i get older i'm like that's what fucking life is just doing little fucking bits at a time that make me fucking feel better the small moments the small moments is that we always looking for those big moments those light changing moments and the small moments is like me i get to make tea every day i love that i get to go turn my kettle on i turn my kettle on

and i watch it bubble and then i make tea and then i go and sit out my yard that is priceless to me like you do you get what I'm saying just a little moments of I think I was driving the other day and I was like ah bitch you just left the gym you on the way to the chiropractor like you know what I'm saying like you fixing that body yeah but it's just like little shit like that like I after I went to the gym i walked across the street and bought something i don't even know what it was but i was just like yeah bitch you're out here buying shit you know it's just you know life you know i love it gas yourself up about the smallest thing just the small shit life is fucking hard man like if you were having

a nice time celebrate every nice time you're having. You have to really make everything like that. Even when you're grocery shopping, even when you're washing dishes, even when you're cleaning your house, all your shit shouldn't be doomed, man. And this is what I tell this society now. I really tell this society a lot. You know, whenever I talk to 30-year-olds and they're tired at 930, I was like, you are depressed. You know, whenever I talk to 30 year olds and they be like, they're tired at 930, I was like, you are depressed. You are depressed. You know,

depression cause exhaustion. And I don't think that people understand that. See, because when I was in my 20s and 30s, you could not get me in the bed at no 9 motherfucking 30. Bitch, 930 be what I be about to get it cracking. You know what I'm saying? And you tired. What you tired from? Why you tired? Are you dying? Like, what, 930 be what I be about to get it cracking. You know what I'm saying? Like, and you tired.

What you tired from? Why you tired? Are you dying? Like, what's wrong? Like, you're depressed. This generation is so depressed. And they're depressed because it's the fear of the unknown. It's the fear of change.

It's the fear of they think they need to be this certain person to be successful and that's sad because it's not about that it's about what do you like to do what if you want to be a teacher be a fucking teacher if you want to be this be that who are you trying to who is these people you're trying to impress you know so it's it this generation is truly truly very depressed very depressed i think there is some truth to it i think it's like life is just weird and different and things that you knew aren't the way they that they are paths to success are so convoluted like and it's different because like you said some things that we didn't know are that we thought were true are not true and what this generation needs to realize is

yeah you're the generation that has found that shit out now what the fuck are you going to do about it yeah i know this is a lot to put on your plate but yeah the people before you fucked up yeah really fucked up and you're really smarter than us you're smarter than us so what are we going to do about it you know because it's up to you now yeah that is a lot of pressure and i get depression but but but think about it we went through the same shit it's just that the generation before us maybe was a little bit more hardworking. You know what I'm saying? Well, I will say the generation before you, I don't think was more hardworking. I think they worked just as hard but got more money and were able to do more shit.

Because it's like, I was like watching this video about literally the post office. You get paid less now and max out at the starting rate and like from like 30 years ago. And it's like, what? Why? Why are we working so hard for so much less? Like, that's what I mean where it's like everything is so convoluted. Like, my parents had a house in the 80s and my dad was the only one working. Like, but now that's unheard of. You can't have one person work it.

That's wild. You're absolutely right. And you're absolutely fucking right. That's so true because the post office, you remember, I saw a help wanted sign in the post office the other day, and I got kind of happy because I remember when they used to like, there's always work at the post office. You remember that was a saying. I worked at the post office. You remember that was a saying. I worked at the post office.

Everybody I know worked at the post office at least one time in their life. But it's like you're right. Back in the day, you could get a job that would give you benefits. And you could get a credit union. I mean, you could get one of them jobs and work like 25 years. Put your kids through college. You are absolutely right. You can't do that now. And I mean, you can get one of them jobs and work like 25 years, put your kids through college. You are absolutely right.

That is so true. You can't do that now. That's so true. The world is set up for you to just like stay down, to have like eight jobs, to drive an Uber, to try to write for TV, to like live in a little one bedroom with like three other people. And you're just like, well, how? What the fuck happened? Like, what the fuck happened? And that's where we have to start looking at where the money like we have to look at where the money is going and then that's where we have to figure that shit out we have to figure that shit out it's almost like a shutting down type thing we got to shut

some of this shit down man yeah truly like i mean amazon like a lot of their workers have been going on strike and shit and i think people are like and i watched this one like youtube video it was like tiktok where a lady was like uh flight attendants make so much more than nurses and i was like well don't be mad at the flight attendants be mad that the hospital's not paying you more be mad that these privately owned hospitals aren't paying like i just i'm very like, we all should band together and be like, fuck capitalism. Give us money so we can live and try to like be happy. I never, that's why I was, when I did that video, I was telling everybody, I was like, we should be mad at all the corporations. They got us all fucked up.

I mean, there's no way teachers, I've never understood teachers having to buy school supplies that never that doesn't make no sense that never made sense i don't know if you ever had a pizza party in school where you got slivers of pizza and you'd be like how come i can't have more pizza it's like oh because the bitch is paying for it herself it's like it it's so wild to me see but no because i came up when we had school supplies i came up when we had lunch and we had books and there was no such thing. We had to get school supplies, but maybe some paper and a couple of pencils. It was always

at school. And now it just stand out. Some of the stuff they ask for, I go, wait a minute, they don't give you that at school? What the fuck? No, they'll be like, can we have scissors? And you're like, the school doesn't supply scissors? You were like, what? The school doesn't supply markers? What, they'll be like, can we have scissors? And you're like, the school doesn't supply scissors the school doesn't supply markers what, you need all this shit?

You know how much glue and glitter I fucking went through? Like, I mean I remember taking home act, home act class and we, the only thing that we would have to bring in sometimes was if we had a special thing we wanted to do and an ingredient, we'd have to bring that ingredient

in, but they had everything so i just go how the fuck did we stop caring about the education of our kids and how they're taken care of and listen i know that sometimes parents don't have money and can't take you know take care of stuff but i always want i don't know if i would want to send i would feel bad if i knew i was sending my kid to school and they don't have fucking supplies. Like, what the fuck? It's wild. I truly think it's like, keep education low so you can keep your workers in the capitalist machine. I don't know what I am, but I am very anti-capitalist.

It's bad. No, girl, let me tell you something. It's so fucked up that now that we call conspiracy theory, conspiracy theory. No, it's just some motherfuckers trying to figure shit out. Why is it conspiracy? Because it's against us. It's us finding shit out. Why? Who named the conspiracy theory? Yo, it's so much shit going on that we just, Lord, I just hope that it ain't so out of reach and control that we can't do nothing about it. But I don't know. I agree. Also, I don't want to be here for the end of the world. Real quick, we got to take a break. Oh, we're back. OK, Leslie.

So I OK, I saw you perform stand up when I first moved to LA. And I was like, this lady is one of the funniest motherfuckers I have ever seen in my whole fucking life. And I feel like people are like she found success late. I disagree. You were a very successful touring comedian for a very, very fucking long time i always tell people i always tell people i was rich four times and broke three you know what i'm saying so i've i've i've definitely man i was on the cat tour i've been on all kinds of shows i've been in all kinds of movies it's just like you said that the people think that overnight success that late success i've been doing comedy since 87 so it's like you know and been making my my my money off of comedy since then so yeah it's uh late uh for them you know i'm saying because you know whatever 47 is old

to motherfuckers but it's actually the beginning of your life people don't even understand you are like your best when you start getting in your 40s that's when you've tried and true and and you're ready like when they got me at 47 you couldn't pull none of that kid shit on me you couldn't pull none of that immature ass shit on me you couldn't pull none of that oh like you know how motherfuckers try to make you, try to manipulate you and shit. You be like, nah, motherfucker. Nah, this brain is made. Nah, I'm pretty set.

I know who I am. I'm pretty set here. Yeah, yeah. You ain't got to, you not going to come in here and fuck up nothing in this office. I always tell people, yeah, I started late for you, you know, but it was right on time for me, you know, so. I love that. Wait, what got you into comedy? Well, that's what's so funny.

Wait a minute. And I know I'm mixing you up with somebody else because I thought we did this benefit together. We did. We did. And you were so fucking funny. So just to set the room, it was a benefit for the environment. I don't know.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus got an award and she literally said, I don't know why I'm getting this award. And we thought she would explain it. She never did. You got on stage and fucking annihilated it. And you literally were like, I don't give a shit about not one of you here. You have too much money. I don't. It was so.

I was laughing so hard. And after that show, one of those men was like, Leslie, you were so funny. And I was like, I was laughing so hard. And after that show, one of those men was like, Leslie, you were so funny. And I was like, I'm not Leslie Jones. We don't look alike. It was so funny. I'll also never forget this. There was a president of a network there.

And they were like, Leslie, so-and- so wants a picture with you and you went okay and then you went hi i'm leslie and the president of this network didn't say anything to you it was like actually pretty rude and you looked at this man and you went i don't give a fuck who the president you are you say hello when people say hello back you want a picture with me and you're not gonna say hello to me i don't give a fuck who you and i was screaming i was like yeah you didn't have to be rude just she said hello say hello back it made me laugh so hard yeah because some of these people that really come in those type of environments are so fucking entitled and so fucking rude and asshole but they always want to play like they're so nice or like they're so with it or

whatever but you're rude you're a rude piece of shit and i'm gonna let you know you're a rude piece of shit and you're not the fucking president of the united states so get your old grumpy ass over here and speak to adele monte man fuck these motherfuckers like yo i'll tell him in a minute yo i'll go i have a farm waiting for me okay it made me laugh so hard it's just because i just i get tired i get so tired lord i get so tired i mean the whole benefit was because judy and dreyfus kids couldn't go to the beach and i was like bitch you was on sign field you better fly them kids to a wife the fuck is wrong with you the fuck you're flying to a beach bitch no you didn't you got us up here on this goddamn roof on this roof with these fucking pieces of

shit that's trying to make themselves feel better no i don't think so god it was so stop it they can't go to the beach. Stop. So I started comedy. I was a basketball player and I always was silly. I never thought of it as being funny, though. I just thought of it as my mechanism of everybody else was cute and athletes or whatever. So I might as well be the funny one, you know. And but I was actually funny. I was just silly.

And I think I went to I was i was a basketball player so i thought i was gonna go overseas and play basketball i got a scholarship went to colorado state and i met this black girl named anita and man we used to have so much motherfucking fun we used to laugh like you know how you could just laugh with a motherfucker just like stop and fucking just be laughing at nothing. Like literally see a paperclip and fall the fuck out because we just thinking, just dumb shit. Because you were just like on the same page. Right, right. So we were walking through, we had just came from Crystal's.

You remember Crystal's? The Crystal Burgers. The burger place? They like White Castle. Oh my God. I used to love Crystal's so much because they used to have these apple pies. Anyway, so we was fucking walking through the corridor and there was a sign, little thing that said, you know, funniest person on campus, you know, sign up. And she was like, you should do that.

And I was like, girl, no, I'm not going to do that shit. She was like, you funny as fuck. And I was like, no, I'm not. Stop it. So I went off to class and she went. So I got back to my apartment and we met at my apartment and she was like I signed you up and I was like why would the why would you do that why would you sign me up for this shit you know I you know but in part in my head was kind of like oh she signed me up for that like maybe I should do it like okay well I mean it's not like so you think I'm funny like

it was like that so I did it and I'm telling you the first time I touched the mic I can't even I always tell everybody it's it's like I saw a path as soon as I touched the mic it was almost like seeing a whole flash of a path I it just was It was just like I knew I was going to be doing this the rest of my life. It was so natural. The touching, the grabbing of the mic, it was just so natural that I just was like, oh. And I had took a communications class before all this happened. And I remember the first day I gave my speech and I had just went up there and did some stupid Whoopi Goldberg shit. And she came up to me and she was like, yeah, you don't need to take this class.

You need I'm gonna go ahead and pass you. Just pick something else. And I remember when I got on stage and how comfortable I was when I grabbed the mic and that mic stand. And I remember her saying that and I was like, oh, damn, I think this is what I'm supposed to be doing. So it was just, and that was, that was in October, 1987. I love that. I love that. I don't know.

Whenever somebody finds something that they're like, oh, this is what I meant to be doing. Like what a fucking blessing because there's so many people walking around outside who haven't found their passion who haven't found their purpose who's just like kind of working a nine-to-five waiting for something to happen something to tell them what to do and it's just like it just kind of it happened for you a friend signed you up for something you were like and this is it. I feel like it happens for everyone. We just have this thing in us that doesn't recognize that. It's the thing that we go, oh, no. No, that's not it.

That's the thing. It's always the thing that you go that you don't want to accept. Like, I can't explain it. It's something in you that you go that you don't want to accept. Like, I can't explain it. It's something in you that you and I tell everybody this. No, you do know what you want to do. You're just not you either don't believe it because it's keep coming up. You either don't believe it or it's so out of the blue of something that you would do or everybody would think you would do that. You're like, nah, that's not it. But you need to explore that. You need to explore that. Always tell people

what would you do if you had to do it every day and they didn't pay you money for it? What would you do? And that is definitely comedy. I would make people laugh for free forever because that's what I like to do. I like to be silly. Everybody has that. They just don't want to recognize it as something that's viable for them to make money off of. And that is the problem. Like, I always tell people, listen, the candle maker didn't think that he was going to make money off of just making fucking candles. He's a fucking candle maker.

You know what I'm saying? The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker come on man those those are viable fucking skills that they realized they wanted to do for the rest of their life you have that you just you just are not appreciating it or or or uh giving it the energy that it needs. Yeah. Every time I love Etsy, I go on Etsy so much and I find all these shops where people make the strangest things. And I'm like, yeah, follow that weirdness. Follow that fucking passion.

This lady makes these like giant penis knitted pillows. And I was like, I'm sure someone told her no one would buy them. But like they're never on sale and they're usually sold out. You know what I'm saying? And you pull, and those are the ones that you put, those are the bag dispensers. You put the bag through the penis.

It's the best thing I've ever seen in my life. It's so funny. And you can put the crushes. It's great. And this is why I tell, this is why I tell young people, and I know this sounds crazy because college is so fucking weird or whatever, but you don't have to go to an expensive college.

You can go to a community college. Those type of places help open up the screens of whatever it is. Like when I went to college, that's when I was like, ooh, I can do whatever. Okay, there's this, there's this, there's this, there's this. You know, it opens up those senses. I'm not saying you have to stay. I didn't stay. You know, I'm not saying senses. I'm not saying you have to stay. I didn't stay. You know, I'm not saying that you have to go to Harvard.

But you do need to go somewhere where your senses are going to be peaked. You know, that's why it's important for us to, you know, education is important. It is. I think education is super important. It's also like go to a community college. Go. You know, yeah, I agree. You don't have to go to Harvard. You just got to go somewhere to find your independence you could go to a trade

school yes i leslie yes this is what i've been saying i'm like we need to tell people to go to trade schools because there's certain careers oh my god you can have and make good money and like make your own schedule like the plumber that i have he's a great guy he tells he's like oh i'm not working this week or i'm doing this or yeah i guess he's a great guy he tells he's like oh i'm not working this week or i'm doing this or yeah i guess it could come out for you but then he like he'll be like oh i was so and so i went so and like he makes good money because everyone needs a fucking plumber and he makes his own schedule and he works hard and he has a nice time and you just never know like people and it's okay if you just want to be a cook. It's okay if you, that those jobs need to be filled.

Yo, let me tell you something. I had to bury my brother and I'm going to be sad about it, but I want to point out the guy who helped me bury my brother. This guy was so fucking good at his job. And at one point I was like, I was like, oh, do you just work here just for the money or whatever? Because you know, this is probably good. He was like, no, I enjoy helping people put their loved ones to rest.

He was like, it's very satisfying for me. And I was like, all I could think in my head was, thank God for you. Like, isn't that wonderful that he is wearing and he's great at doing it? That's how you're going to feel every time. great at doing it that's how you're gonna feel every time every anything that you choose you it's almost like when you're doing like they're saying when you're doing something you love there's no such thing as having getting paid for it because like i'll do it you love it i promise that is i'm telling you everybody has it in them they just don't want to recognize it and they're too scared to go like i can't pay bills with that well start off little by little yeah little by little see what you could do uh ask

quite like go online see like what you can do with it research put as much work into that as you do in the negative thoughts that you tell yourself yes it does tie back to that shit because you tell yourself no you tell yourself it's stupid you tell yourself it's bad but it's like no this is cool this is great i do want to try this but it pisses me off because you wouldn't say that to someone else if someone else came to you and was like yo i want to be this you'd be like yo go try it go do it why why you can't do that for yourself yourself is just it's it's i tell everybody you live with yourself, you go to sleep with yourself. You better start liking that motherfucker.

Please start liking that motherfucker. Because that motherfucker needs you to like him. Real quick, we gotta take a break. it's interesting because like with comedy acting my career i've just been like 10 20 or i don't know however long ago when i first started out if someone said to me nicole you're going to be successful i would have said yes but if someone today was like in 10, 15 years, you're going to be in a successful loving relationship. I'd be like, do you think? Yeah. And I am not sure why those two things are different

because with my career, I am asking a multitude of people to like me, enjoy me, spend their money to spend time with me, which is an insane ask. That is not a logical thing in your brain to be like right i think a thousand people will come to this theater and listen to my thoughts and my speech my funny speech my little funny speech and then i'm like the lodge the illogical thing in my brain is like i can't find one person to love me but it's like but any there's so many

people love each other any old person can get married it's like you just have to open your heart a little bit and it's such a weird mindset that like I am having the hardest time wrapping my brain around that like people break up and get together all the time people find love all the time I've never been like single single for like a super long time every couple years somebody or like actually every year, somebody comes into my life and it's never, you know, it's never lasted, but it's like, maybe one day it will, if you work on communication and open your heart a little bit. Well, the thing too, that we don't realize as women that we do when we're these type of women,

successful women that really have a, you know, cause I didn't even realize I had said this until I was like, oh damn, I did. Nothing comes before God, my parents and comedy. So that's a heavy list. Like, oh really? Do you know what I'm saying? So I had to really fix my mind and my whole thing to go, you're, it's time to open up your world for people it's time for you to go ahead like i really thought that um i'm going to find the one by sitting in my room watching netflix and just you know i'm saying oh i'm gonna find them at a club i'll find them at one of these gigs no you're fucking not get your ass up and go to some of these parties that people invite you to someone has asked you to go out to dinner go out to dinner go and be be put. It's not even so much that that's how you're going to catch it. It's really opening up your life and your psyche for people to come in. You know what I'm saying?

And if you've worked good on yourself and which, you know, it's a daily thing, you will start knowing who's not supposed to be there and sometimes most of the time if you have a really great light the bad people kind of stay away from you they kind of the bad people are kind of scared of that light they're kind of they know especially if you're a real motherfucker i'm a real motherfucker they know like i'm not to be fucked with you know i'm saying so it's it it's not going to say it's a daily thing. You know what I'm saying? You just have to open up your heart.

You have to open up your life, especially us. We're hardcore because we're female comics. We have been through the fucking, like you have, we have to put on a suit of armor when we go into these clubs, especially black women, especially if you're funny. Yes. Especially if you're funny. If you're funny, if you're black. You're fighting against, you're funny yes especially if you're funny if you're you're fighting against you're fighting against everybody you're fighting against your own you're

fighting against black men you're fighting oh then you're fighting against the white motherfuckers that don't even understand the attitudes that they're giving off is what we're fighting like it's so annoying to me that as hard as I've worked in all these comics that see me come up, that you still run across the ones that go, yeah, why did you make it? Well, go fuck yourself, motherfucker. Yeah, fuck off.

Yeah, I ate a lot of shit when I first started touring. I toured pretty nonstop for about like five years. And the first two years were absolutely miserable i would have for every good show i would have two shows that were like good but like people didn't want to listen they would talk through my set they would shout things at me and like mean things and i'd be like why did you lie and they didn't know who i was i was just like the comic in town for the weekend where half the people knew me from Girl Code. Half the people didn't know me at all.

And boy, oh boy, I will say this. I am thankful for that time. I think it made me a better comic because I was like, well, I have to figure out how to make these people who don't like me laugh. Exactly, exactly. Because the ones that do, that start liking you, you still want to have that foundation

of making that shit. Like, yeah, you think that that was funny? Watch me pull out my good shit. Watch this. Watch this. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I became a samurai.

So it's like when I'm on stage now, I have no fucks to give. And if you're not there to listen, I don't care. I am there to perform. Yeah, I mean, just to go back to that uh benefit show it was so like you came on stage like it was like a hurricane had come through like it was just a tornado and like you didn't stop to let people laugh you were just like i have thoughts i waited too long in the back and i gotta tell you all my it just, it's like truly it's a joy to watch you. First of all, I was mad because they was that type of audience that make you uncomfortable.

Yes, they didn't want to laugh. I know everybody that got up there is funny people, like P. Holmes, all of that. I was like, these people are funny and they're not fucking laughing because they're fucking dickheads and they're just so privileged and they're like, the comedians oh wait till i get up there i was like oh i am going to be fired immediately you and i could not wait for the two that i couldn't stop like tig truly was like why are you all so awkward why are you all

being so it was just it was one of the funniest things i had ever been a privilege to especially when i looked at the black girl i remember looking at the black girl and going what the fuck are you doing here why where do you fit in this equation that was so fucking funny that's when you just learn how to just be very comfortable in who you are and just like listening to that first voice. Because the first that voice that comes through that goes, say this, say this, is the one that I listen to. And that motherfucker is. I used to, with J.B. Smoove, say, listen to that voice because that voice is from God. I would, with J.B. Smoove say, listen to that voice because that voice is from God.

Every time I listen to that voice, man, I destroy every time. I'm deeply envious of you. I'm not good at like just being like, here's what's going on. I'm very much like stick to the material. And if they don't like the material, then you will figure it out'll get out of that how long you how long you've been doing it stand up i started doing stand-up in 2013 so i have not been doing it as long so 2013 that's like 10 years oh girl you go yeah you go through those phases you're in the phase now oh i trust me after 10 years, stick to the set. That's the set. I can alter out of it only if I know the set.

Trust and fucking believe there's going to be a year. Oh, I can't wait for it. I want you to text me and let me know when you're feeling it because it's going to be the year that you go, I don't want to do none of my jokes it's it's it's one of the most freeing things that you will ever feel going up on stage and going i've been thinking about this and i'm going to talk about that and that should be funny as fuck so you you'll get there you're gonna trust me trust me thank you leslie can i ask you a question about touring did you have chuckle fuckers when you toured can I ask you a question about touring? Did you have chuckle fuckers when you toured?

Chuckle fuckers, meaning like guys who wanted to fuck? Like, yeah, after the show, they'd be like, hey, Leslie. They never were fuckable, though. Like the dudes, the dudes on the show always got the bad bitches. I would get the weirdest motherfuckers, or either I would get the guy who was trying to be the big guy in town and was going to fuck the comedian. And like, I'm trying to think. There are so many times.

But I'm trying to think, did I ever? I never got to fuck. Because they never, ever was real about it. Like, they just always was playing. Like, you know, oh, yeah, I'm with the comedian. But you know you're not not gonna go home and fuck me because you're scared you're scared of me like no it it real talk i and i'm trying to think if i ever got the fuck it's been so many times so many opportunities so many fuckers that came at me promoters all of that but they never follow through and i think there was one time i was gonna fuck fuck a dude. I was going to fuck a dude. And when he showed up to my room, I was so unattracted to him when I opened up the door.

And I was like, I know. Bye. And I made him leave. No, not for me. It's just like, nah. I mean, but you do have a lot of chuckle fuckers now. Now, though. Now, now I get the, hey, my wife said that it's okay for me to go home with you.

Or hey, my husband has a crush on you and I said that he can go home with you tonight. Or do you want to come home with us tonight? I get, I get proposed to by gay women all the time. They, they come, you know, I've had ones come with rings. I've had ones literally like I'm going to see the ring and go, oh, this bitch went and got a ring. Of course I'm going to marry you. Like, no, bitch.

Well, she went and got a ring. I might as well. So I guess we'll do it tomorrow. Flowers and everything. And you'd be like, girl, did you not just hear me do the joke about a lot of gay women hit on me but i love dick i'm sorry that i look like i might fuck you i just i'm sorry that i look like that is a very funny joke i am sorry i might look like i want to fuck you i i know i look like it i know I look like I can take your ass down,

but I am going to take you down the wrong way. It's just like, we both going to be laying there, like, waiting for the dick. I'm waiting for the dick. It's when the dick is near. Like. Have you ever done the apps at all? Yes.

And let me tell you the best app. And I want to tell, and I say this, and I know that this dude is going to look at this and go, bitch, you got this from me. But I didn't really, he did suggest it and I went on and I tried and true. Bumble is actually a really good app now. It's really, especially for black women, especially for black women. So it's really, especially for Black women, especially for Black women. It's like the Bumble now is starting to become that place where it's like, you know, reasonable people are starting to like, okay, this is the way I'm going to go and meet like somebody normal here. You'll meet a lot of normal like dudes who have jobs and it's a good app. It's a good app.

Okay. It's a good app. Tinder, no. Stay away from Tinder. Tinder is not even good for fucking anymore. No, Tinder has gone so downhill. It's so downhill. It's like they don't even fuck on Tinder no more.

You'd be like, what are you on here for? Hinge is for all of the dudes who need therapy. Do not fuck with nobody on Hinge. They all need to be fucking put in an asylum somewhere. Real talk. by their own hands. They all need to be fucking put in an asylum. Some fucking way. Real talk. But

Bumble I've found to be very successful. Okay. I hadn't found Bumble to be successful. Maybe I'll get back into Bumble. I haven't been on in a minute. Yeah, because during COVID it was a shit show. It was a shit show. But in the last six to eight months, it has really gotten better.

Okay. Honestly, good to know, because I finally got on Raya. I got on years ago, but they made me wait years. It's so racist. It's so racist. It's very racist. It's very racist. The people on it, I'm like, like who are these people these are not real people

they're not it's like looking at a catalog and going oh i would like that and then i like it no the riot is not for black women and i'm and listen i hope i hope that the people who are over riot is seeing this podcast now so i can tell you about your motherfucking self so you fucking have us you know as celebrities come on and you ain't nothing but a motherfucking sex instagram that's all you are because every man and and two two i might say i might have matched up with two motherfuckers and they were crazy as fuck they were crazy as fuck and They were crazy as fuck. And they were so embedded in this business. It was disgusting. They were catfishers and arrogant and privileged.

It's just so, it's not for Black women. They want the pretty white women that come on, that be able to get on. It literally is Instagram with the dating aspect dating aspect yeah that's what i feel like and i i don't like that you should only be on there if you're trying to network or something because you might see a director on there or something and then you like them and go hey here for friends and you could talk to them that way but i can do that on instagram too and most of the fucking thing when you when you like them they tell you to hit you on hit them on instagram anyway so i can just look at

that place go find that name and then go on Instagram just go to Instagram yeah and that's what I tell everybody don't sign up for Raya just go to Instagram I mean solid advice cause all of them is from Arkansas or Nashville

or Belgium all of mine are from Australia and I'm like what the fuck I'm not traveling 16 hours for some dick Arkansas or Nashville or Belgium. All of mine are from Australia. And I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, and you're like, what the fuck? I'm not traveling 16 hours for some dick. No. And they feel like fake profiles. They feel like fake profiles to me.

Some of them do. I know we have to wrap it up because you have to go to a different interview. But I ask all my guests this. Would you date me? Well, I'm not into women. But if I was into women, I would date you. But I would have to tell you that your communication needs to be fucking better. Like, I'm not going to deal with all that other.

I'm not going to be that read the mind shit. And I'm the type of person to be like, you mad? You mad. If you not mad, then stop acting like you fucking mad. But if you mad, then you need to say you fucking mad. I ain't going to wait. And so don't try to tell me two days from now because two days from now, I'm not going to give a fuck

about how mad. You know what, Leslie? This, I honestly, this has been good for me because i have been trying really hard to tell people how i feel i was just in vegas and i was really it was like 100 degrees and we were walking around and i was like guys i'm sorry i'm grumpy i'm just so hot and it was very liberating yeah because then i didn't have to smile anymore and everyone was like nicole is grumpy right now and then everyone was like oh that's okay you could be grumpy it is hot And then everyone was like, oh, that's okay. You could be grumpy. It is hot outside. Yeah. And I was like,

huh, okay. And it felt really nice to in the moment just tell someone how I felt. And I was like, I got to start doing this more often. I got to just be like, I'm not feeling it.

Wait till you start actually doing what you want. Like, I would have been like, hey, it's too hot. I'm finna go back to the hotel. Taxi. Wait till you do that. Wait till you to the hotel taxi wait till you do that wait till you do that shit

wait till you do that shit that liberation shit wait till you do that shit and then go back to the hotel go back to the hotel order a bunch of food and go back up to the room and be like

oh y'all still out there well Leslie thank you so much for doing this oh thank you for having me it was really nice to see you i truly i absolutely adore you i'm one of your biggest fans i think you're really wonderful i think your time hosting the daily show was uh i don't know i was like just let her be the host like if that's what she wants to do let her do it and then you were so fucking good in coming to america like i don't know it's just and then every time i saw you at snl when i visit this year you were always so nice you always remembered who i was and like that it means a

lot because sometimes people when they get success just don't like think about you know other people but like you're always like knuckle like so i just you are wonderful and thank you for doing i'm glad when people tell me that because I can misbehave no not with me you've been so wonderful oh my god that's so crazy oh thank you I appreciate it

I'm so glad for your success too you're awesome I'm so happy for all your awards and everything Black Girl Magic keep girl magic keep doing it yeah keep doing it because you know because there's going to be leslie jones's and nicole buyers after us yes and that's the most exciting thing for me i'm like i can't wait to see another weird little fat black lady doing weird little bits on stage and teeing around and it's like oh you were definitely influenced by me like

that's freaking cool that's awesome um if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you could rate it you could subscribe on i don't know apple podcast or spotify or something but if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com i will read it okay so this person wrote gold star gay. Hi, Nicole and Mars. That's nice. Thank you for saying hi to Mars because she's really wonderful and I love her. I'm a gold star gay, but I'm going to break my 30 year streak with you. I'm going to eat your pussy like a pro running my tongue deep into your valley, bringing the rain like the god I am. Your rivers will run, and as you get nice and wet, I'll work my finger in, and making you scream my name, Barney the Friendly D.

Yeah, enjoy my big purple dick as I breed you, until you have a vagina rose. Is that a thing? Did I mention I'm gay? Does this person want to prolapse my fucking pussy? How rude. Okay, bye bye. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. With talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole?

Write it to whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.