Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Proposals (w/ Rory Scovel)

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

Comedian Rory Scovel joins Nicole for a chat about their Valentine's Day experiences, dealing with horny audience members, his cute proposal story, and the ways parenthood has transformed his relationship dynamic. Nicole shares her fun time smoking weed before performing. Check out his special, Rory Scovel: Religion, Sex and a Few Things In Between, on Max. Nicole has a new crowd working special! Watch it at youtu.be/OMrZshGJORg?si=5de666DSXrnlKfBU Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I'm single, and guess what? Nobody knows. My guest today, I almost just said my comedian is, my guest today is a comedian and co-host

of the podcast, Pen Pals. His new special, Religion, Sex, and and a few things in between is now streaming on max it's rory scoville that's right hello i'm your comedian rory scoville comedian rory how are you i'm so good i'm so so so good i know it looks like I'm in a fun house here with my daughter's toys and things all over the place, but I'm doing good. I'm doing great. I love that her toys are everywhere. I'm doing good. Life is fun.

Valentine's Day just happened. I had no Valentine. Nobody wanted to take me out or fuck me, which you know is sad because i was open have you ever cared about valentine's day have you ever been like someone who's like valentine's day matters when it comes around i need this um no because i've very often been left out every year having to suffer through galentine's day no i'm kidding i do like galentine's day though that's pretty fun it is nice you know celebrating with all your single girlfriends um i did have a valentine a couple years ago where we like went out and that was fun in a way where i was like it's a big deal and they were like okay and then it wasn't a big deal

we just like went to a restaurant and it was fine right right right yeah i don't think i've ever cared much about valentine it almost felt like too much pressure but also in terms of like going on a date you're like why would you want to go on a date on the night that everybody is going on a date it's like the worst time to want to go on a date but maybe it's the best time to go on a date because you get to be like look at who i, everybody. You're sitting there with your grubby little partner, and I've got a diamond. It's all about bragging. Look who's across the table from me.

Look at this catch. Can you believe it? Look at this fresh catch. Did you go out? My wife and I went to the LA art show last night, and that felt kind of like, oh, we're together, Did you go out? My wife and I went to the LA art show last night. And that felt kind of like, oh, we're together spending time, but this is an off-center kind of, you know, it wasn't like a Valentine's theme sort of thing. vengeance center looking at paintings and and mixed media video crazy insanity and eating gummies and being a little being a little hodge being like look at this look at this painting babe i mean i think that is ideal to be with someone you love and a little stone being like hey art oh isn't

that fun yeah yeah it was but we also were like afterwards we were like should we go somewhere and get like some fries or something or like get another drink and we we then debated what locations we could go to and i was saying that you know valentine's day people try to step it up and they try to go real fancy and real nice and so i was like we should do dive bar and she was like no couples would go to a dive bar too and i was like i don't know i feel like the the the whole point is like hey tonight we don't just go out the way we normally go out tonight we get gussied up and pretend we're two people that we aren't but we did drive by some dive bars and they were slammed so she was right she was right that that people they didn't care people were just out spending time together i

guess or do you think it was a bunch of single people in dive bars trying to get valentine's that's a great point and that helps my argument and i intend to i intend to start this argument all back up as soon as we're done here and another thing nicole brought some newer evidence to the case i would like to submit rory how did you meet your wife we met in washington dc in 2004 we were doing improv on different teams but for the same theater. And I started going to watch her team's shows. And her team would then go out and hang out after the shows, which my team didn't do. And I was always jealous that they had a camaraderie and a team kind of vibe. And I hung out with them enough to where it became clear that i was probably trying to

ask her out and just had a stalking vibe going on and then eventually asked her out and she was just like yeah all right just quit following me but then you were like if i date you i gotta keep following you if we date i have to just walk around behind you 10 feet away um yeah we met and then i started really dating in like 2005 that's sweet so were you would you say that you were like you built a friendship first before you were like i love you not not so much i mean we like hung out socially but it wasn't like a ton where i would say we were friends before we started dating. We didn't really even know each other that well. It sort of knew of each other and then started dating. And then pretty quickly, I probably said I love you too quickly as I just fell in love with her. So I luckily I didn't scare her off. You know, then she came around to feeling that way. And then the whole thing's history after that we started living together. And we're both, you know, entertainers. So we went we're still

down that road of two people trying to figure out what the fuck this business even is. So just trying to live, laugh, love. Yes, that's right. That's exactly right. How long did you wait before moving in together? So my apartment flooded. I lived on in the basement of a place in Alexandria, Virginia, and we had a really bad rainstorm. And my window was above my bed that was like ground level and water just came in destroyed my bed destroyed furniture and I just remember kind of grabbing everything that was dry telling my roommates I'm gonna take all this to Jordan's and I'll be back and when I came back I was just like I what I'm gonna do this room is destroyed

they got to bring someone in to clean it and do all this stuff so yeah i just got out of there um and then moved in with her and uh yeah that was that was the start of us never left i never left she's tried to get rid of me but you can't please go back to alexandria you're like sorry about it no when rent is too high that's when i jump in what if we split it in half now we can live here i mean that is a nice little hack you know you want to pay less than rent get into a little relationship relationship hack hey why not fall in love with me for a little bit? Afford that neighborhood. You know what I mean?

Let's do it. When did you know you were in love? Like, did it happen instantly? I think I had strong feelings pretty early on, but I think the in love is that kind of, I mean, it sounds so sappy, but I think it's that thing that just is kind of growing over time more and more if the elements are right. I think when two people are legitimately compatible, the longer they spend time together and the more they realize that they are compatible, that like that in love, like I think we call it in love, but I think it's really at its core just two people realizing they can put up with each other.

You know, I don't mind being around you. That's love. I don't want to kill you every day. So that's love. Yeah, I does. It does make sense to be like we do call it in love, but it really is, huh, can I just like wake up next to this person and like be happy? Yeah. Is this person okay with my weird vulnerabilities?

Perfect. Yeah. I'm not good at being vulnerable. It's so hard. I mean, we're comedians we we've built our walls and you cannot take them down impenetrable my favorite is when someone's like are you okay and i'm clearly not okay and i'm like yeah i'm fine don't worry about it don't worry about it i'm fine and that becomes how you say it too they're like no it's very clear you seem upset i truly said to my

therapist the other day, because a friend brought up something, and I was like, well, now I feel weird because I made you feel weird. And I said to my therapist, I was like, why didn't you just shut up and deal with it like a normal person? She was like, Nicole, she did what normal people do

and brought up the problem. You're not being, she didn't say you're not being normal, but she was like, you're the one who's avoiding it, so this is something you need to deal with that you get upset when people are upset like and i was like oh i don't want this i don't want to grow yeah i feel like that too and then i like well if i grow i won't be able to come up with my jokes if i'm healthy how will I do the tee hee hee ha ha ha? Right.

Yeah, that's in the back of my head for sure. Did you like transition from improv to stand up or do you still improvise? I kind of started doing both at the same time. When I first moved to D.C., I signed up for classes to learn long form improv and then started going to the open mics at the same time because I just really wanted to do both. And it ended up being kind of a good thing. The things I was learning in improv were helping me be more confident on stage when I was very clearly bombing. The improv kind of taught you like,

hey, just calm down and try to figure it out and try to keep talking and maybe you'll find something. And I just kind of was like, hey just calm down and try to figure it out and try to keep talking and maybe you'll find something and i just kind of was like oh yeah maybe i'll try those things and so it ended up um being a benefit but yeah kind of started both together so when you were doing improv and stand-up this is like before wait 2004 so it's like before, was there like Instagram? Was there, was this before? This is the before times. The before times. Yeah, this is pre-smartphone.

This is, I feel like this is when the Razer phone really was cutting edge, literally and figuratively. Roy, what a beautiful memory. I had a pink Motorola Razer and you couldn't tell me anything. I know. And you were right. And no one should have told you anything. And I wish to God we could go right back to calling and texting and limitations.

I wish we could go back to limitations. Me too, because you got to do so much. You got to post shit. You got to tape shit. Now we got to do crowd work. We got gotta post that crowd work clip come up with a sketch have a new poster now alter the poster change that font get on tiktok you're like i just i forgot to work on my hour yeah i forgot to do the actual comedy

boy it's exhausting but did you have chuckle fuckers did you have like girls who were like rory you're so funny oh my god i oh god what a dream i wish that was incredible i think i uh we before i even got into that world or would have had any kind of chance at that i was we were already in our relationship and that was the you know and also i think i think in my head i was like that's my fantasy that won't come true that is not you know what i mean you tell yourself one thing and you're like oh man go do these shows but it's not real for some people it is i know but my vibe it vibe, it's just not. The moment someone would say that, I would blush and laugh and probably run to the bathroom.

So you don't have anyone in your DMs currently where you have to be like, I'm married. I'm a good married man. Well, some of my material definitely makes people think that. And so sometimes that'll happen, but not for the most part, no. Sometimes after shows, couples will come up to me and say, we would like to talk to you.

And I would go, I am performing fiction to a degree. I'm performing facts to a degree and fiction to a degree. Yeah. But it's flattering that anyone at the end of a show would be like, you know, when you talked about diarrhea, it really made us realize we would love to have an intimate relationship with you. We're so horny for your diarrhea jokes. Ooh-wee.

You walked right down our alley, let me tell you. You were talking about being wet in one way, and I'm wet in a different way. Ew! That made me upset, and I said it! Oh, no! Two types of wetness. Would you consider yourself a late bloomer or an on-time bloomer or an early bloomer

i think i'm a late bloomer i think i'm a little behind on everything in terms of my brain catching up with what's happening in reality um which i think is a good and bad thing i think it makes me almost more i don't know childlike in a way in a way which i think is a good way to be but it also makes me get to you know when i finally come to in my brain of like figuring something out i'm like oh fuck if i would have known that two years ago i would have done this but you know what are you gonna do i feel the same way i'm like oh man how come that was so hard to figure out yeah if i knew that a while ago i'd be doing much better yeah life is about learning yeah i started smoking and going on stage back in 05 and just kind of did that for about uh 17 years and so

i attribute a lot of it to going you know what i was in a place so if i'm behind i i can't complain i had a smile i had a smile i can't smoke weed and then perform i'm not really nope nope oh my gosh have you so you must have tried it you've've gone up. I've tried it twice. And each time I'm like, ah, shit. I'm not saying that out loud. That was a thought. Oh, no. And then you can't remember.

You're like, wait. Or did I say that out loud? What was I saying? I don't know. And then I tried to do Improvstoned. And that, I just kept laughing. Because I was like, boy, everyone's pretty funny here. Yeah.

Yeah, you become a little too much of the audience yeah can't do that at all I'm always mystified by people who are functional stoners because I am not I I'm not functional in any way except for going on stage and it's it's not like it's good every time I mean sometimes it's just piles of shit uh me being like this is funny and then listening later and being like oh that wasn't funny at all but i do enjoy it i don't know why i think when i first tried it it did something to me where i was like oh fuck this is really fun i no longer care how i'm doing and it made me just kind of trust that i was doing it. It made me go to a place mentally where I was like, I think this is fun and funny and I should think that. And if I think it,

then maybe they'll think it. And it, you know, like I said, sometimes you're off, but it guided me for a while. I've since stopped, but I do, I do miss it. And I loved it. me for a while. I've since stopped, but I do miss it and I loved it. I also am just a weird person in general. So then it's like to be high on top of that, I'm like, here's an extra weird thought. Is this okay? Yeah, also in a public setting too, where it's like everyone is looking at you and that's not your paranoia. No. The lights are literally on you right now. I set this up.

Yeah, you are on an elevated platform. Just trying to tell you my thoughts. Why are you staring at me? Because I planned it this way. You're all judging me. Yes, that's what sort of our job so wait this whole time you've been doing comedy you haven't been single and you probably haven't done apps either no i have no no i don't understand it or know what the best one would be um yeah i don't know that world that is so nice for you i'm on the other side of it so it's one

of those grasses greener i'm like oh if there was a world where i was single and that was a thing oh i don't know i don't know it is a hellscape it is hellish everybody is very strange um people have like weird murder vibes. And you're like, well, got to take a chance. You know, either maybe I get murdered or I find love. Yeah, I. One of the two. One of the two.

One of the two. And honestly, at this point, I'm like, murder me. I'm kidding. Or am I? I was talking to this man in a bar and the whole time, because I've been trying to like go out and like meet people. And the whole time I was talking to him, I was like, are you interested in me?

And you can't just ask people that. And I don't understand why. I know. It's like you got to play this weird game of poker. And you're like, what do you? I want to know where we stand in this conversation and what we're both trying to gain. But you can't just say it. And then also, you kind of wish you could just say it.

But then sometimes you meet someone who does just say it. And you're like, ew. Yes, that's exactly what happens. Because I've had people be like, oh, I'm definitely into you. And you're like, ew. Yes, that's exactly what happens because I've had people be like, oh, I'm definitely into you. And I'm like, ew, I'm not into you. Oh, you showed me your cards? I was, but ugh.

You're not supposed to show your cards, you idiot. I was watching a clip from dating, I think it's dating on the spectrum and this man was speed dating and he asked this woman, he was like, would you like to know anything else about me? And she just goes,

no. And then the next clip, he was just marking no in front of these women. And they had to be like, oh, you can't do that. And he was like, oh no,

I knew I was doing something wrong, but I was like, but why not? Right. Yeah. Then everyone goes, oh, we're on the same page this person's not interested in me i can move on before i get invested yeah i don't know i i wouldn't even know how to i will say like in person my whole life i think i've needed someone

to just kind of be like oh i think i like I like you. It's never been an absolute stranger. I've never, I don't have like any kind of game. I don't know what to, I'm not, I think I'm fun, but I don't know what is supposed to happen at a bar. I don't know how I'm supposed to talk. I think everyone is like just being nice. And so I'm just like polite and just like oh i'm not reading signals because of it um i wouldn't even know what it would be like on an app trying to do that when you can't sense someone

else's energy or their vibe yeah because i wasn't even good at it when you could do that now you eliminate that i wouldn't even know where to start i I wouldn't know what to say. I would feel stupid the whole time. Like every time I've tried to be like seductive, even to my wife, I just feel stupid. I also feel stupid trying to like be sexy. I'm like, that's not my vibe. I'm not like, hey, mister. I just, it doesn't feel feel natural and some women are so good

at like batting their eyes and some guys are great at like leaning in and i'm like uh i don't this is wild yeah yeah when i see guys do that i'm like oh you're good yeah you just watch it you kind of just admire it like it's a, like watching a movie. Like, you're really good at being seductive and intimate. This is entertaining. You're so good at it. You just went ahead and ordered the drinks and then whispered something to her and she doesn't even know you. She doesn't know you and she's giggling. How is this happening? Why are you instantly, why is this happening so fast yeah i simply don't get it how long were you married before you were like let's have a kid uh it was pretty i don't know

if it was quick we got married in 2013 and then uh our daughter was born in 2015 but we had been together so long that it really you know the marriage thing really became an element of i mean we wanted to do it but it also became an element of like health care and being like oh we should do this there's tax you know there's a tax benefit there's like the in so many ways we were just already a husband and a wife in in how we were this just kind of made it i guess legal in the in the eyes of american law i don't know in the eyes of joe biden yeah wild that you get a tax break for being married and like can get help get on people's health care it's like why does single people have to why i should

get a tax break because i'm just me you know what is so funny is that it's only occurring to me right now as you say that that i that has always been the reason why we did, because I got a job. I did have health coverage. And if we were married, she would also be on my health care. But I, I actually don't really know why it, I don't know why it works that way. Someone could come up and be like, hey, you know, you've never actually had a tax benefit. I've never even looked into it. I just kind of, I just kind of repeated what i heard a smart person say i think you get a tax i know yeah if you file jointly yeah yeah yeah but i don't know that

stuff i don't know that world the world that we live in dependent i don't know the world either yeah i'm just like parroting things that i've half heard from people yeah and it's gotten us this far you know thriving on a zoom that's why we gotta stay away from therapy don't we have our joke machine don't cure me real quick we gotta take a break okay Take a break. Okay. Rory Scoble. We're back. Did your relationship change after having a kid?

Or was it just like, ooh, the more the merrier? It did change. It's interesting how it changes because you literally are now this like this these three people uh and you kind of there's an element of forgetting what it was like when it was just the two of you it just somehow gets deleted from your brain because now you're like oh my god we have to keep a human being alive like you and because of that you all the information that you stored up about your own personal self gets deleted because it's like no you need to know where the medicine is so that has to go in that file um but yeah it did the dynamic does change because now you're both in charge of this this child and that changes for better or worse how you see each other and how

you are towards each other now that you have to work on a project i mean it's kind of like any of these competition tv shows where a married couple has to like compete against other married couples you're like well now you're giving them an objective and they're gonna fight they're gonna fight each other yeah that is I mean, I was a nanny for a long time. So like I had my job was keeping children alive. But I can't imagine keeping a child alive 24 hours a day with somebody else. Because then you're like, well, I think this works this way. And then they're like, well, no, I think it works that way. And you're like, huh?

Yeah. So we have to compromise on the human. and we're eight and a half years in of still doing that now i will concede i am wrong almost every single time i know that but my ego will not allow me to start there i have to fight and push back uh for a certain amount of time until I just give in. But yeah, it is even eight and a half years later, it's still like that where you're like, no, we're going to do it like this. Like, no, I don't know if that's right. It's bizarre. That is wild. Also, eight.

Eight's a crazy age because like they have opinions and stuff and then they have to like go to school and they come home with like bullshit from school. And you're like, don't say that then they come home with like bullshit from school and you're like i know that i gotta say the bullshit from school that is when you're like wait no you're i don't want you to learn that yet i want you to know what you're knowing and also now or like kids like you know can have devices and or learn other information that they're not ready for more easily and then whether your kid has a device or not doesn't even matter because they can be told or like look at this screen look at this look at this other thing you're like oh the stuff that we didn't have access to as kids and you know i don't know if it's it it all you're trying to do as a parent is constantly protect their innocence and then slowly realize you have to you can't

that's depressing i know even as i said it i was like well that's not the vibe of the show yeah but it's real and that's like that's that's parenthood that's true and that is parenthood yeah when you proposed to your wife was it romantic was, since it was like you married for like health insurance and like taxes and stuff, but was it a romantic proposal? I think it was. We liked the band Explosions in the Sky. They were performing at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, which already has this weird, creepy location.

But I had a ring and I had it sized and had a quote, like kind of put on, on it and obviously in a very small way. Um, and I had the ring on me and we went into the concert and during a specific song, I just leaned in and said, do you want to get married? And I think she thought it was a joke. And then here's a ring. And then it was very real real and then we stayed in a hotel in la for a couple nights and invited friends over to party and hang out and it was cool i think it was a really i felt very who we are like not some crazy extravagant thing but like a nice dinner a band we like at a specific moment in a song um and here's a ring i feel like that's us that's nice and that's i think that's very romantic i was in a helicopter while a man proposed to a woman that i don't think

he really knew she was portuguese he was not and he like he was like i have an announcement to make and we're like okay we're in a helicopter, but sure. We were flying around Vegas. And like through our little monitors, he was like, will you marry me? And she was like, what? And he was like, and then in broken Portuguese was like, will you marry me? And she was like, oh my God. Well, okay. And then we all like soft clapped and it was so strange.

I was like, why did you do this with strangers? You never want a well, okay. Well, alright. Well, alright. You're the best. I'm not seeing anybody else, so I guess we can do that? I can't figure out how to download

these apps, so alright, fine, then it's you. Yeah, I can't imagine, like that setting, I mean, it's like doing mushrooms. Like, think about it. Think about's you. Yeah, I can't imagine that setting. I mean, it's like doing mushrooms. Think about it. Think about where you're going to be. Who's going to be there?

Yeah, who's going to be there? A single person you know? Not in Vegas? If someone proposed to me in Vegas, I'd be like, we're not a match. We don't know each other. We simply can't do this. No, no, no. The ring is inside this.

Oh, it's inside something? No, I's inside something no no i can't do that sorry about it the bottom of this bottle of champagne oh that means you pre-open this champagne yeah i don't know what else you put in here i don't want that yeah so wait were you did you tour last year you because you have a coming out. So did you tour a ton? Yeah, I toured. We started in April and it wasn't like I went and just stayed gone. I was coming back and forth. So it wasn't some crazy, ridiculous tour. But yeah, we started in April and hit up a bunch of cities all summer.

And then we shot it, the special in November. And now it's on max yeah max where did you shoot it um in minneapolis at the gadell theater which i think has since closed i don't know if that's on me it was not they had never had stand-up before and now they will never have anything ever again because we shut it down that's wild they're like we can't do this anymore after that we just have to shut our doors rory came through and we got to get out we can't do we're not going to be able to do this anymore the city came down here they said if that's what you're allowing then you're you're done is minneapolis like your

favorite place to perform uh It's one of them. It's one of those cities where over the past five to 10 years, I've started taking note of like, all right, which cities do the crowds really show up? And you can tell they're showing up because they already know they like this product. So there's no salesmanship. They're already buying. They're here to buy. So just start talking. And Atlanta was one of the first cities where I really noticed that I was like, OK, this city really comes out. And then Toronto, Minneapolis is one. I mean, there's there's many. But Minneapolis is so consistent. I was like, I should shoot something here to really get that reaction for the special i think it'd be really

welcomed i like that i like minneapolis i just went there last year and apparently janet jackson has a song where she or is it prince i don't know one of them randomly in the song goes minneapolis it's probably prince he's he is from there he's like massive just king i know he's prince but he's the king of that city prince is the king prince is king um and it's every and and also everything's purple and you wonder who's who really started this who started it i love purple it's my favorite color did you go to um paisley paisley park no what is paisley park that's prince's okay i don't want to say amusement park i think it's a like a museum what it was it an amusement park no i'm thinking of dollywood that's an actual amusement park that's actually another great

example too because i thought did everyone just go down the mich Jackson Neverland? Like if you were a hit musician, you had to have sort of a low key. You gotta have an amusement park soon. I'm gonna have a whole buyer. Six flags. You gotta have six rides. At least six rides if you're gonna make it in the pop world. Oh God.

I forgot about Dollywood. Yeah, Dollywood's a whole thing. Yeah, yeah. Wait, I have a question about quarantine. You Dollywood's a whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, I have a question about quarantine. You lived in a house with another couple during quarantine. We didn't live in a house with another couple. Our friends, Sarah Schaefer, who you know, and Scott Moran, they lived in the back house.

We used to rent this house and the landlord lived in the back house. Sadly, he passed away during COVID covid he had a heart attack and then we were gonna leave here and then we ended up buying the the property and we were like oh we have this back house and so they moved in and i gotta say it i think it was good for all of our sanity to yeah that's nice to have around people somebody there i had a roommate at the time john millheiser and it was so nice to be like okay we're inside and uh and we can talk to each other and uh this will be okay yeah we can be in the same room and we'll stay alive rory you have excellent luck when it comes to housing. Well, I got lucky getting to move in with Jordan, but I will say I do miss that bet that I lost in Virginia.

Drenched. Drenched. I'm so sorry. God bless RIP. Yeah, this one was very bizarre. This one was, we had said we know that it's COVID. We know you can't necessarily make us leave, but we loved the landlord. He was like family.

The four of us were really quarantining together. And I gotta say, we were in such a place where I was like, you know what we got this we're like having dinner we're hanging out we've gone like we have coffee in the morning then we kind of go our separate ways but they kind of all come back and hang out and chat it was kind of great uh but we were like hey we loved him we're not here to cause an issue i truth be told i was

a little excited to like get in the car and just see where we end up, kind of go on an adventure. But they also needed to sell this house, and they were like, how about this price? I was like, I don't have a job. They were like, how about this price? I was like, you got it. That's great. That is the only way we are ever buying

a home in this city. I don't have a job. Well, we'll give it to you. Yes, I will take it. Thank you so much. I would love that. So yeah, that's how we ended up with roommates, in a way, in the back house. That's nice.

Also, I feel like the older I get, the more I'm like, we should all live in communes. We should all have houses next to each other. And we should all say hello and raise our children together and be nice and friendly. I do like it. I do like that. If there was a world where you knew you could maintain those friendships, I would love it. I think about that all the time. Like, you know, when it's neighbors you don't know, it's hard to, it's hard to like, you know, when you have property and someone else's property and you're like, hey, I know you're doing this thing, but it's technically my property. You feel so weird and awkward. And I, that also makes me feel like an adult. And I don't, and I know I am one, but I also don't feel like I'm one.

Don't remind me. I know, don't remind me that we have responsibilities as adults. Yeah, I don't want to fucking do that. I know, but if it was your friends, I feel like you'd feel so differently about, you know, saying, I think I should put this on your property. And you'd almost be like, great, can I use it too?

And that would be incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Rory, real quick, we gotta take a break. Rory, do you have any advice for single people out there? God, I, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I think, I will say that this is something that I always think about.

Maybe it's always one of those easier said than done things. And also coming from someone who hasn't been single for way to do the 2005 or whatever. It doesn't. Yeah. I think the being completely yourself, which is so fucking weirdly hard to do, but being completely yourself and also trying to meet people at places where things are happening that you enjoy, I'd like to believe if you were to meet someone can

maybe start off in the right place of having a mutual fascination with a hobby or something. But I think ultimately, don't start out trying to be someone you're not on a date because it just it can be so much more fun and you can cut through all the bullshit if you're just like this is who i am this is what i think and also this is i'm 43 so maybe you just get to this place anyways mentally where you just get you get tired of You're like, I'm not here to play the game. All right, I fart a lot. Deal with it. I like that that's the first thing you're saying to somebody. That's what I open with.

I fart a lot. Deal with it. I'm lactose intolerant. More people are than you know. It goes unreported. But I think being as close to your just honest, true self as you can be, I think starts you off in a better place.

Don't try to show off. And that's coming from a pretty big show off, to be honest. That's who just said that. The biggest show off I ever did see, my guy. Rory, do you have any single friends? I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you?

I have a few. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell them about me. I'll tell them about you. Spread, yeah, yeah. Do you? I have a few. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell them about me. I'll tell them about you. Spread the prophecy of Nicole. You know what's so funny is that with my single friends, I so badly want to be a wingman, but I just told you on this show I have no game. I don't know what. I couldn't even be a wingman, but yet for some reason i really want to like do it i don't know what that is i don't really understand how to wing man you're just there and then you like keep the

conversation going and then like leave them alone when they connect yeah i i guess that's the thing i don't even know like am i supposed to go over and be like, man, do you know my friend? Do you want to know him? There he is now. My friend over there. He's really cool. I would pay good money to watch you do that. That's funny.

I think I want to try it. They're just like, look, you're ruining my night. You're ruining my night. I had I want to try it. They're just like, look, you're ruining my night. You're ruining my night. I had chances with a lot of these women. You're screwing it up. Oh, am I? But I guess that is what you do. You go, oh, my friend over there thinks you're cute.

I think it feels very elementary school. Yes. I think you just go hand them a note and it says, do you like my friend? Yes or no. Circle yes or no and hand to the bartender to hand back to me. Yes or no, do you like Jason? They're like, I don't know, Jason? Get the fuck away from me.

I went out with my friend last week, and there was these men. One looked like Louie Anderson, and the other one was, I don't know who. He kind of looked like Kanye West, but we sent them shots and we were like, from us. Wait, this was a duo? Louis Anderson and Kanye West adjacent? Uh-huh. That's a crew right there. Squad goals.

Squad goals. Yeah, baby. So we sent them shots. They took said shots and they didn't even come over to thank us. And then they left. And I was like, what? Even if you weren't interested, you could have said thank you. I know.

Just a thank you, guys. Appreciate it. We're recovering alcoholics and you guys just pushed us back in. You pushed us back in and we're mad at you. But we came over to tell you that we're mad at you. I would have at least liked that. Instead, it was nothing. It was like a smile and then they left.

Even like a wink or a hey, all right. Yes. That feels good. Ladies buying you shots like that and you look like Louis Anderson and Kanye. I know. Come on. America's duo

that classic combo we're always talking about the classic two-man group that everyone loves the stylings of louis anderson and kanye west oh boy i rory it's hard. Okay, tell your single friends about me, especially if I don't know them. Please, please, please. This is my, I feel like, what's her name? Princess Leia, where she's like, help me, Obi-Wan, help me. Is that from Star Wars?

Yes, yep, you got it. Is his name Obi-Wan? Yeah, she's saying it into a robot. She's getting it recorded into a robot to pass on to Obi-Wan later. But I get it. I'm your R2-D2 here. You're my R2-D2. Well, the computer's R2-D2 and you're Obi-Wan.

That's right. And who plays Obi-Wan? Sir Alec Guinness. And that's you. But then also Ewan McGregor. That's great. And I've always felt like sort of a hybrid of those two men. And that's who you are

rory i was at a party and ewan mcgregor was there and i just stood at a slight distance staring too much too long you know what i mean that's really funny and just being like you're like if he would have looked at me and said anything, I would have been like, you're Ewan McGregor. Did you know that? Have you met my friend Jason? Do you like him? I think that's why some celebrities have that rule where you like can't look at them because people stare at them too much. Yeah.

Whenever I've heard that rule, I've never been like, oh, come on. I've always been like, no, I get it. I will because I'll do it if you don't tell me. I'll stare right at you. Tell me where the boundaries are. Was he beautiful in person?

Yeah. Yeah. Man, when you meet famous people, you're like, there's a reason why you're famous. You're so charismatic and you're not even talking. And not even talking

or doing anything and yet the it factor, whatever that that is just oozes out of them and you just are like i can't stop watching you be alive uh i was at a party and there was uh this man on the street was drunk it was like 8 p.m but he was shit face andfaced, and he was like, Mariah Carey's inside, and I laughed really hard, and then he showed me a picture, and I was like, wait, is that Mariah Carey? And it was a drag queen who looked like Mariah Carey, and I went inside, and I was like,

even this drag queen who I know is not Mariah Carey but looks like Mariah Carey has some sort of it factor, and I couldn't stop staring at her, even though I was like, you're not Mariah Carey. I know that you're not, but I don't stop staring at her even though I was like you're not Mariah Carey. I know that you're not but I don't care. Yeah, I know. Well, Rory, we've made it to the end. We've come to the end here.

Alright. Is there, well you want to promote your special? Is there anything else you want to promote? I mean if people throw that special on, and whether you like it or not, let it play all the way to the end. Those completion rates in this

streaming world, you don't know. They matter. You don't know what us comics need you to do for us, and it's just leave it on, hit mute, walk away. That's if... Watch it or at least do that. Yeah, and do it on repeat. Do it on repeat and tell your friends to also do it and uh and then we'll never bother you again no until another special comes

out and then we say please watch it on mute and i'm slow so you have to my next special will be years from now you've got so much time to forget how you feel about me. Rory, I ask all my guests this. I've missed it a couple times, but would you date me? I would date you, yeah. We'd have fun. We'd have so much fun. Tell your friends about me, Rory! Please! I will. Okay, I don't believe you, but that's

okay. If you like this episode of Why I Want You to Date Me, you can like it, you can this episode, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts or whatever. And then if you write me something horny and nasty hitting on me, I will read it to whywontyoudatemeepodcasts at gmail.com.

This nice person said, sex free this afternoon? I'm in Palm Desert and can can host and they've given no information other than that so uh thank you i now know what you mean about either murdered or great sex great sex or murdered i now see exactly what you mean now you get it thank you rory thank you you get it. Thank you, Rory. Bye-bye. Thank you. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me

with Nicole Byer. This show is produced by me, Mars, with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao,

and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywon'tyoudatemypodcast at gmail.com

for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.