Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Roommate Sex Drama (w/ Asha Ward)

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

Comedian and writer Asha Ward (SNL) joins Nicole to share her wild roommate sex drama, reflects on being raised by a gay dad, having her first kiss after karate lessons, and discusses the dynamics of having 'fuckboy' energy. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single. Listen, I've done too many episodes. You know, jury's out.

Nobody fucking knows. Maybe it's, maybe it's my soul. I don't know. But my guest today is a hilarious comedian and writer. And in 2022, she became the youngest ever writer on the staff of a little show. I think you've heard it. It's called Saturday Night Live.

It's Asha Ward. Hey, what's up? I feel like my energy is so different. It's so different from yours. Yeah, I think most people's energy is not as chaotic as mine, as wild as mine. But, you know, this is just me. This is just me on a Thursday.

That's great. This is me on a Thursday. I love that. I love that very much. I think you're so funny. I came across your videos on, like, Instagram. You've got a very funny bit about going to hibachi after a funeral. And it made me laugh so hard because

uh so like people who haven't experienced death like life goes on and then shit becomes so funny like catching shrimp in your mouth after you're like oh i was just crying yeah that's that it is crazy i i feel like there's so many funny things especially like after um that surround death that are just like so funny you don't realize it until after you're done being sad so that's one of those things yeah and i feel like it happens to like you are sad and then a funny thing happens and you're just like ha ha ha have you ever like been sad started laughing and then started crying again yeah yeah because it's fun it's funny a lot of the times it's funny yeah oh boy here's a question are you single are you dating do you not wish to

say tell me about it or don't I am single but it's like not but it's like it's like a sticky situation. In a sticky situation? But I also, it's ongoing, so I prefer not to go in depth. You know, I get it. Okay, so you're from Trinidad. Do you feel being a first generation person that there's like a normal nuclear kind of situation. Like my dad is gay and he divorced. Well, my parents got divorced when I was like young. But my dad is gay and like my mom died.

And there's like so much going on that nobody's like, you need to find love. They're like, no, you need to make money and find out how to be okay. They're like, we're on our own shit i'm getting out of here and i'm dating men yeah so i don't think there's too much pressure i think yeah i think my family is more so like the focus has always been like um make it making money same same my dad very much, I don't think he ever gave a shit. My dad's dead and I don't think he cared whether or not I dated. You know how you watch TV and

a girl brings home this boy and then the dad's overprotective and is like, if you hurt my daughter, I have a 45 and a shovel. My dad was just like, take her. I don't think my I don't think my people would really care I also I think I I my family um we don't talk about much like like we'll know that well things will be known it's cool we don't really talk talk much even like

like I'm gay as well and my dad and i have never talked about us both being gay we've never there's never been like a really yeah isn't that crazy it is a little wild i mean that's the thing that y'all have in common you could be like hey look at us we're gay i guess that would be insane but yeah insane for you to be like daddy yeah i'm gay too but i'm like what are we what are we supposed to do like just go go to a parade together then i don't know i mean you could yeah you could absolutely go to a parade um so you went to columbia college in chicago um so you went to Columbia College in Chicago um did you was dating in Chicago do you did you find it easy no but it's also just I think that was because of me because I was also like a really late bloomer I think I still consider myself the late bloomer likeomer. Like when I was eight, I was in Chicago from like 18 to 22

edge. And when I was 18, I still very much looked like a 15 year old, like, just so off. Like I did not look like a cult, like I belonged in college or like, even doing that kind of thing. So I didn't I didn't date much in in school at all. And then i also went to like this art school um where everybody is really like think of like weeboos you know like what a weeboo is no what's a weeboo it's like people with like blue hair that love anime and they're called weeboos i don't know like yeah that's what they're called that's what i'd be called that's what they're called that's what i'd be calling them weeboos look at that weeboo over there it almost sounds like a slur even though i know it's not i know right um but there was a lot of that going on and then um so i i think it

was also just like so awkward that it was just never it was i was i was still growing up and i i had not i was like a very i was like a weirdo up until i think these past three or four years i started looking a little normal wait were you a weevil did you have the blue hair and you liked anime no i was just surrounded by those types and i was like this isn't right this isn't where i belong this isn't where i belong but also everybody wasn't like that and i was like this isn't right this isn't where i belong this isn't where i belong but also everybody wasn't like that and i was just kind of like weird i don't know i don't know i think i was just like like i wish i could show you pictures of what i looked like um so you can so you can understand the vibe i want you to do your best to describe it. It's like, you know, when your mom has a friend in church and she's like, oh, she has a daughter.

I think you guys would be really good friends. And then you like meet the daughter and she's just not the one. I'm that person. I like that person. You're the person who's the daughter, the friend's daughter that you're like, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

That's a very funny way to describe yourself. I couldn't dress at all. Didn't know what to do with my, didn't know what was going on with my hair. Well, to be fair, black hair is hard it is i'm in i'm i'm fucking old i'm 62 years old and growing up my mom would like hot comb my hair burn the shit out of me and then i got a relaxer and then nobody ever said that the hair that grew out of my head was fine and I could just be like just have natural hair and like work with it so I feel you on that it's like it's so hard to style it when you don't have nobody to help you do it that's what happened to me I was I my hair was permed for a lot of my life and then

by the time I was in college I was wearing it naturally but I also like hadn't really trimmed it so it was kind of just looking crazy in its natural state but it's all part of the process i appreciate all all of my all of my phases i went through phases where i know i had friends and i look at pictures and i'm like why did anyone let me out of the house looking like this i wore blue contacts and they were so thick because my eyes are very dark and when i would like shift my eyes the contact would slowly follow so i just looked like i was double blinking like some sort of fucking alien and then i had like a very emo haircut that was like angled kind of like uh victoria beckham in the the 2000s and then the back was spiky. And then I dyed it red. I looked wild.

And I thought I looked really and I wore a lot of vests and ties. And nobody was like, bitch, what are we doing over here? Yeah. I fully feel you on that. So, okay, this is a dumb question. But when did you realize you were gay? I feel like that's so, nobody's like, when did you realize you were straight? But I just remember when I was younger that I was like, ooh, I like boys. But then I was like, ooh, these girls are pretty too. Everyone's kind of hot. Yeah. I feel like for me, it must have been around some sort of like early high school, because

I remember just thinking I liked boys up until like I made a Tumblr. And then I would like read Tumblr posts and be like, oh no, oh no. So yeah, I'd say it was Tumblr. Tumblr that did it. 2014 Tumblr. Tumblr, I think, was that. Tumblr that did it. 2014 Tumblr. Tumblr, I think, was a very important part of a lot of people's lives. It's where I saw good porn for the first time. Like, I just saw nasty porn or whatever on the internet.

And then I saw, like, curated nice porn where people's fingernails were clean. And I was like, oh, this, this. And people looked natural. I was like, oh, my goodness. I love this. RIP Tumblr. Or is it still around? It's still around, but it's not.

None of the websites are like what they used to be. No, we have too many now. Too many and they're all corrupted. I think so. Do you remember your first kiss? Yes, but it was like I was it was like. I want to say it was like after karate class is that crazy that is adorable because i'd like to think that you're still in your white uniform with your little belts and you're like can i um so yeah tell me about it if you don't mind

it was just like this like okay so my first boyfriend he was just like this guy um that i met on the on the van to on the way to after school karate uh-huh okay wait you took a van to after school karate yeah Yeah, it was a van. I don't know. The van which, so would the van just come get you at school? Yeah, because there was a group of kids that were going to go do karate. I've never heard of this in my life, that a van comes to get kids from school to take them to karate. My mom just drove me to things. No, my mom was probably working. It was that kind of thing.

But my first boyfriend, the way that it happened was he just said that he was dating me. And I was like, okay. So I guess this is how this works. I like how passive you are in this.

Hey, we're dating. All right. And this is kind of a theme that follows me throughout life. But yeah, he just kind of said that. I was like, oh, so I guess this is how this kind of thing works. And it was like wet and gross. And then he like cheated on me. And I like pretended that I was mad.

I love this. I love that this boy was like, you're my girlfriend. You're like, okay. He's like, here's a wet sloppy kiss. You're like, not for me. And then he cheats and you're like, oh, rats, you rascal.

I'm so mad. I love this. This is great. This was like over the span of a week or two. Oh, my goodness. This was accelerated. Yeah, nothing crazy. It's really, my love life has really been kind of desolate.

Okay, I get that. I mean, mine has been pretty desolate as of recent. I was on the apps, and then this year I was like, you know what? I don't think I want to be on these anymore. So I stopped paying for all of them, and then...

Damn. Paying. Yeah. I was paying. I was paying to be single. That's the greatest scam of all time. Pay for this, maybe you'll find love and that's a lie i find nothing i feel like um we all flip and flop on and off the apps because i feel like you you're always that you always reach a point where like i'll download the apps again and and maybe it was just the way my profile was set up. Maybe I'll do something. Maybe the pictures have gotten better.

But no, I feel like the apps are really terrible because I feel like once... I feel like the algorithm can't really... It can't tell that, like, mask women are hot. They just think that they're ugly femmes. AI is like, do not compute this no i don't i don't want it it like breaks the out it's like breaks the algorithm and so they put you in that in that um you know when you're in the in the pocket of the apps where it's just like

suggesting you like people who have like snapchat bunny filters is like the first and it's like taken on it's like so fuzzy and you can tell that they're like they're like in scrubs or some this is a very specific person you're describing that i think we have all seen because it's like it's like you know that episode of spongebob where he goes to rock bottom here's the thing i've never seen spongebob oh no i grew up without cable and then when i got cable as an adult was never like gotta watch spongebob but maybe i should people love it well that's what i get for me trying to make it a spongebob reference as an adult woman i mean most people have seen Spongebob.

But it's basically like, yeah, like the ghouls and goblins of society that puts you in the... I know that's not necessary about people. I don't know how else to describe it. Listen, we don't know these people. We can call them ghouls and goblins. It doesn't matter. We don't know them.

They're theoretical people in the world. Wait, what happens when SpongebBob goes to Bikini Bottom? Doesn't he live in Bikini Bottom? No, he lives in Bikini Bottom and he goes to Rock Bottom. And Rock Bottom is kind of like Bikini Bottom's antithesis. Oh. And so it's like these really scary sea creatures that you don't see in the daylight. Wow.

That's dark for kids because it just sounds like they're describing actual rock bottom yeah it's like uh it's a crazy you should check it out if you care listen i do care i will check it out if you tell me your favorite episode to watch i will watch it i'm like not a hardcore spongebob fan that's just like this is so funny that you made a reference and you're like i don't even fuck with spongebob like i'm like i shouldn't have said that i shouldn't have said that because i do not fuck with spongebob like that that's really funny i truly only reference things that like i love i talk about sonic a lot because i fucking love sonic like sonic the hedgehog or the um food

that's funny sonic the hedgehog because i like sonic too the food or the hedgehog see i've never had sonic the food i've only had sonic the hedgehog i've only i've only had Sonic the Hedgehog. I've only had Sonic. But like, have you seen the movie? Uh-oh. Okay. A lot of people haven't. No, I can't say that I have. They dropped the Knuckles trailer

because they're doing an eight-part miniseries on Paramount+. I'm so fucking excited. But anyway, in the movie, Sonic just like wants a friend and then he gets his happy ending. And I'm like, I'm like Sonic. I have ADHD and I feel like I go too fast and I don't have time.

And I'm like, but I want love. And I'm just like waiting for my Sonic happy ending. And I don't know, I don't know when it's coming, but I think it's coming. Oh yeah, it is coming.

Do you, do you want to be in a relationship or are you happy being a single person? I feel like you're like rather happy being single that's the vibes i'm getting i am kind of happy being single i wouldn't say that i'm unhappy but i also would like to be in a relationship just because it's like something new to do it's something to do I mean hey I love having like an extracurricular activity so I feel like that's what it would be for me but I feel like I feel like earlier in life I was sort

of more unhappy about not being in a relationship and I feel like since then I've kind of like worked through to where now whenever I'm like not talking to anybody or I don't have anything going on at all I don't feel awful I also just like I talk to my friends a lot like I talk to my friends on FaceTime a lot and but yeah i want to but i think it's just more so like oh i haven't experienced this before i've never like properly dated anybody but i'm like yeah this is just something i haven't experienced yet and i think i want to yeah that's how i like i would like that i would like i don't need to get married or anything i've evolved past that there was a time in my life where i was like i want big fucking wedding and and i want kids and and and i want you

and i'm like oh i don't want kids that seems bad you have to like bring them everywhere and like raise them and teach them and i just i don't see it for me and i don't have the time and that's not my vibe but like i would love love a partner to travel with. Valentine's Day, I hated it. I don't like Valentine's Day because everyone's like, here's my love. And then they break up the next year and they're like, bah humbug. And I'm like, I get that people get to feel feelings,

but I'm like, maybe we just like, I don't know, stop shoving love in people's faces. That sounds terrible because the minute I have someone who I can post on Valentine's Day, I absolutely will. And the minute we break up, I'll be like, bah, fucking humbug. I hate it. I don't know. Maybe, listen, what am I saying? I don't fucking know other than I just, okay, I've been trying to go out and like meet people in the wild and it's it's not working really no i feel

like it is really hard to meet um people in the wild i think um it is so helpful to be a comedian and for just like meeting people because it's like i'm out a lot at like bars or like shows or like people see me or like people always in my DMs. I feel like that is how if I wasn't a comedian, I feel like I would not be meeting anybody at all. Like I was dating someone for a little bit and I'm pretty sure they're dating somebody else now. We're not talking. And I was like, how how does like how do people do that? Like I have friends who are serial daters who just like have relationship after relationship and i'm like but how do you deal with like you break up with someone and they start dating somebody and then how do you like start loving somebody else how are we all so vulnerable and we're all okay with it i know that's that's the but i am in i think that's

also why i don't date a ton because i'm like whenever i do like somebody it's for a minimum of like 16 months you know like a minimum of 16 months and i think i think also like i'm not one of those people that can just like go on dates casually because i'm like then i get either i'm like writing you off because i'm like you're not my wife or i'm like obsessing about you yes there's no like healthy medium where I can just like oh I'm gonna go grab drinks with this person and and then this person on Tuesday and then I feel like I can't I can't do that because I'm just too I'm like a double water sign I'm too it's too much but I agree with you with the whole like I don't fuck with you or I'm gonna marry you tomorrow and I love you and there's no in between and I have a very hard time getting over it like I just I simply don't understand how people one

day go no like it doesn't make sense to me I love too hard me as well I feel like the only way to get over someone properly is to find someone else that you're obsessed with. That sounds really unhealthy, but also I think the only way to actually get over somebody. That's what they say. Get on another horse or whatever. Wait, real quick. We have to take a break. We're back okay so can i ask you about when you got a dental receptionist job in new york when you were still living in maryland yes okay so um after i graduated college i didn't really

have plans so i kind of just moved back home with my dad and I was working this virtual job um they fired me after like three weeks but the plan was to because I was just simply bad at it I was like some sort of liaison for like like nurses who were trying to get their master's degree as like a 20 something year old child with with this shouldn't be doing that um but they fired me after like three weeks and the plan was to like save up so I could like move to New York and I was like damn this is not gonna happen so I just started like applying to jobs on like Indeed and I was like if I can just find a job in New York then I can maybe I can crash with somebody and then just like make that work but yeah I applied to a bunch of jobs on Indeed and this dentist place called me and they're like, can you come in on Tuesday?

And I was like, for sure, because I live there in New York. Who me? Tuesday is great because I'm a New York City liver. Yes, because I'm a New York resident and I can be there on Tuesday. I just like took the bus up, did that interview and like another one. And then I like just they gave me the job and I came and I crashed with my aunt who lives in Queens, Jamaica. And I was commuting from Jamaica to Williamsburg every day. Oh, my God.

I had to be there at like 8 a.m. So it's like a two and a half hour commute and then back so i wasn't doing comedy or anything during that time i was just kind of like no you were commuting i was commuting i was living on like a blow-up mattress in a basement that was like ants all over my stuff just terrible terrible vibes but now i'm all good yes she moved up from the basement yes up from the basement yes but that i feel like is kind of like new york like i when i lived in new york there was six of us in a three technically three bedroom but then we put up a like a door in the the living room to make another bedroom and there was six of us in this like four bedroom um and it was not great but also

great if that makes sense like all our rent was 500 and we didn't have anything and we would go up to like um the bronx and like get cheap furniture and shit. And then we figured out that we could charge a Columbia kid like $800. And then the rest of us could live for five, but then we could have a normal amount of people in the apartment. Like once my friends started like moving out. So, okay. Once you like were living in New York,

you started taking improv classes. Yeah. So I, the, I, the place I moved out of like I lived with my aunt for like a month and I moved to this place in Brooklyn

terrible apartment infested with mice I lived with insane people my roommates wait how did you find these people? on Facebook marketplace I thought that was just for furniture you finding people and shit.

You can find people. You can find people on Facebook Marketplace. So I found them on Facebook Marketplace. They gave me like an off feeling, but I was just like, whatever. You're like, the vibes are bad, but I do need to move. Yeah, the vibes are worse here. You need to move. Yeah, the vibes are worse here.

And one of the so it's like me, this, a guy and two girls. And the guy had a girlfriend, but he was also sleeping with both of the other female roommates. And so that was just drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama. And so it was the vibes were off. I didn't want to be in the house. And I was was like i need to find something to do during the night um what was the drama like so it's like you know when someone's like always not crying like in the common area there was there was always there was always someone's not someone was always snot crying uh-huh in in the common area and it and it's like at first you're

like oh yeah this is not my issue i can totally just like ignore it but it does start to affect your well-being when it's like my my life is feeling like some sort of soap opera there's always some sort of weird ass um drama going on did the girls talk to you about it were they like oh my god i just found out he's sleeping with the other one and i'm sad and okay so here i think actually i might have caused a little bit of drama so one of them one of the girls ended up moving out not because of the drama but because um i'm sorry for laughing um you're like i'm not i'm not in this so i can tee hee hee and giggle all i want she moved out because one night when she was walking home someone like tackled her and stole her iPhone but nothing nothing could have prepared

me for that someone robbed her without a gun they just tackled her and like stole her phone and she was like I don't want to live around black people anymore i gotta new york is not real somebody fucking tackled this bitch that's wild but if you saw her you'd be like oh you're that would never happen to me that would happen to you yeah i would never get tackled too hard of a target you're gonna knock me down i'd love to see you try but after that she moved to like she moved to queen she moved to like ridgewood she said get me out she said fuck crown heights i'm going to ridgewood um and then so the me and the guy helped her move

and she moved in with this like random lady and when we helped her move it was late at night so we both like spent the night over there and i was in the living room and the guy in the middle of the night wakes up and then goes to her room and i just hear them like having crazy sex and then me and the other girl are like cool and we're friends and i have no idea he's also fucking her so i text her i'm like lmao guess what and i told her and her vibe just completely shift just shifted um and then i got home like the next day and she was like had been obviously crying and i was like i don't know what's wrong with her, but I was like, did you see my text? That was crazy, right? She was like, that's the cause of my crying. Yeah.

That is so wild. One, that he was fucking both of them. Two, this bitch was tackled. Three, that the first night she spent in her new apartment with a stranger, essentially, she was like, I'm gonna have the loudest fucking sex so she knows what's up. It was crazy. I'm bad. This is a bad choice you made knows what's up. It was crazy. I'm bad.

This is a bad choice you made letting me live here. So then did he keep dating? Sorry. I love this. This is I love it. Do he keep dating the girl who was your friend? Uh, no, no, because he had he fully had a girlfriend. Oh, he fully had a separate girlfriend.

Was he was he cute? Yeah, i will say that he was really handsome man hey Haitian you know how they do okay men can do whatever the fuck they want i was at a bar the other night and there was this guy and we were like me and my friend were like oh my god he's the cutest guy in here let's try to talk to him and then we got closer to him he had a weird eyebrow ring and he wasn't as cute as we thought he was and then this girl walked in and she started making out with him and she was disgusting and we were like you know what maybe this is in the bar for us men literally get to do whatever the fuck they want is wild they do it's insane and there's a yeah no consequence just can't imagine i don't have the dexterity of like in my brain to juggle three different bitches that's wild that's like a full-time job yes i

don't get it like how do you have the time why do you want to lie why do you want to hide things is it exciting like are you not exhausted right are you not exhausted talking to all these bitches right and listen their problems and being like no i love you no i love you i no i don't have the time to do that but like i kind of wish i was like an asshole like that i i wish i could be if i wish i had fuck boy tendencies me i get people people think that i'm a fuck boy i don't know why but i tend to get that i that i give fuck fuck boy, but I'm like, I really wish I could be like that. I think you might give fuck boy energy because you're like, chill. Yeah.

And I feel like fuck boys are like, chill. They're just like, yeah, whatever. They're always chill. Yeah. I don't know. I'm this woman screaming at me and that's okay. Cause I got another one at home. How long did you live with these people yeah like a year and then did home did another girl move in after the girl moved

out another random girl from facebook moved in she abandoned she abandoned she was never there and then we found out i found out like right when our lease was supposed to we're gonna renew the lease that none of them had been paying rent i had just been like um zelling the landlord my my measly like uh 725 we owed we owed the landlord a whopping eight thousand dollars um and if there was no way to like split it up because we all of our names were on the list no yeah so what happened was i was just like wait squatting? Okay, so you were squatting. Yeah, squatting for like a month.

Okay, so you owe them $8,000, but you were writing checks to the landlord from your account, right? Yeah, I was sending him Zelle. The landlord's so unserious. This man, his office covered neck was next door covered in papers asked both my roommates on dates multiple times were these the hottest girls in fucking new york what's going on uh the thing is like no like they're like mid and they were confused why like you weren't hitting on them they were like

what's going on i was just like you guys are kind of insane but yeah i was zelling this man and um nobody else was paying um so he was gonna evict us but i was squatting for like a month because i had just like had a meeting with SNL. But I also had meetings with them months before and they didn't hire me. So I was like, this shit better work out. And it ended up it ended up working out. And then I got this place like with like my first paycheck. So that's good.

So that's that's good so uh that's uh that's good that is wild that's truly the universe being like oh i'm gonna give you something you need something right now yeah we're gonna help her out so did you pay the back rent or no no i just didn't sign my i didn't renew the lease. Someone else took my spot on it. And then I ghosted them and I haven't spoken to them since. I mean, I wouldn't either. But that's also wild that this landlord's like, okay, I'll let y'all renew it. There's a balance of $8,000. That's fucked up.

And this man, he keeps CCing me on the emails to this day and i'll tell you it's not getting better because now they owe him 43 wait what somehow they owe him 43 000 he cc's me on the on the on the billing still have you responded to him to be like yo i'm out no because i kind of want to see i kind of want to see where it goes i also would stay on the emails just to be like how much more are you gonna it's gonna be like a hundred thousand dollars that's so wild yeah so far there's only one of the original roommates still on the lease and the others are like randoms but i mean i want to keep up incredible that they have been able to just not pay rent for two plus years wait real quick we have to take a break i asked most comics this i feel like i know the, but do you have any chuckle fuckers? Does anyone slide in your DMs and go, oh, yeah.

Oh, have you answered any of them? No, because it's never who you want. It's never like it's never like it's never like a good, well-adjusted person that's doing that. But yeah, my yeah, my people be be in my dms but it's mostly just like this is insane and it's funny because some of them are like men and they'll they'll slide in my dms and be like you're funny so i know they've seen my comedy where i say i'm gay you're like i can change this funny and they're still like yeah you're they're like you funny and you fine i'm like you're a man

sir you're a man you're not what i'm looking for yeah what is like the wildest date you've been on i i don't think i've been on anything crazy but one time this girl did make out with my arm what for a while it wasn't a date it was just like in my bedroom i just want to backtrack you said i don't think i've ever really been on a wild date but one time this girl made out with my arm for a while you've been on a crazy date what do you mean it's not a date it's not a date because it was my house okay so you invite this girl at your house and is this your new place or the old place this was in college okay so she was also in the dorm so it wasn't even like an inviting situation okay so she comes to your room and then what happens she's drunk

and she makes out with my arm for a minute and i go okay and then she goes i just wanted to see how asha tastes and i was like okay and then i got up and i left i just it's honestly not because i wasn't into it i just that never happened to me and in my and i that's how i reacted in that moment this person said i wanted to see how you taste and you said okay i said i i think i have to so weird okay that's wild did you ever see this girl again uh yeah shoot we were friends did you ever bring it up do you still talk to her We were friends. Did you ever bring it up? Mm-mm.

Do you still talk to her? Mm-mm. Have you ever been on a date where you're like, this is going well. And then they're like, nah, it's not going well. No, I think usually if I think it's going well, it's going well. Right? I love that confidence i constantly i'm like this is going well and then they're like never call me again and i'm like okay cool all right are you sure i actually think the wildest date i've been on is a situation where i didn't know it was a date i thought that they were just trying

to like hang out with me as a friend um but then after i was like oh we did just like walk around the park for a really long time and like like sit on a bench and like talk to each other but i thought it was just like oh you want to be friends but but then when she kept texting me i was like oh you think this is something else oh you weren't feeling it nah fair that is one of the things about dating that sucks because like whenever i'm feeling it the other person isn't and whenever the other person's feeling it i'm not and i'm like why is this so fucking hard why then i asked friends to hook me up with people and they're like i don't know nobody but then i did have a friend reach out who was like nicole you should ask people that you're not close to to hook you up with somebody because their friend group is a little different than your

friend group but they've still vetted the person and I was like oh fuck I guess I should do that but then I'm like who do I ask I don't know like I don't have like acquaintances I have like friend friends right and then everybody's booed up yeah seems. Everybody's booed up or they're in this, they're bad. I agree. It's one of two camps. Everyone's booed up or they're all fucking bad. And you're like, I don't want this. Oh, it's tough.

What is your like ideal girl? Like if you could create, if you, okay you okay say the good lord god he like comes into your house he's like hey what up uh what exactly do you want and i'll give it to you i really like huge hair is that too superficial should i have starts with something else no okay i like huge hair and then like to think I'm funny. I feel like this is not making me sound like a good person. I love it. I want them to have big ass hair.

They got to be like, ha, ha, ha, tee, hee, hee. This is a treat. I love this. Okay, keep going. You think I'm funny and be like kind of a nerd. Okay. And not too. But not like a weebo?

Not like, yeah, not like that. Like a nerd that can dress. Okay. Big hair, thinks you're funny, a nerd that can dress. What else? Be specific because God is in your house. So height, eye color, everything. Oh, I love brown.

Okay. Brown eyes. And I like to be the same height. I don't like people that are shorter or taller. That, this is very funny. How tall are you? 5'7". So that's average

it would be wild if I'm like I need somebody who's 6'3 I need someone who's 4'2 that's what I want okay so 5'7 I thought I was 5'7 for a very long time but it turns out I'm 5'5 baby whoa whoa

I don't know Whoa. Whoa. I don't know. Okay, what else? And then I like when people are passionate about something, you know? You always have something going on. Some sort of mission you're on. Some sort of goals. I get that.

I like that. I want goals, but i want them to be like living their goals kind of you know what i mean it's like yeah you can have aspirations and like shit that you want but like are we working towards them are we what are we doing yeah so do you so wait are you on the apps i can't remember what you said no i've deleted i'm on the off i'm on the off my off cycle oh yes yes yes i just can't do it anymore i just can't do it can't do it no no i get it i feel like i also just meet people i've been a ton of people in real life i feel like i don't anymore because i don't really do i haven't been doing uh like local sets and i'm like maybe i should get back into doing that maybe i should just go out at night i don't know i also think what's helpful for gay people is there's always some sort of like

gay event going on that you like meet other gay people at. But I don't know what straight people have that. Like some sort of like mixer or like just like going out to drink or like the club or like, you know, or like even like hanging out with friends or there's always like community. or like even like hanging out with friends or there's always like community there's like there's a couple speed dating things that have been popping up in LA and I was like maybe I'll go to one of them have you ever done speed dating no have you no but I've been seeing a lot because of the holiday and I'm like it seems like something I would go to troll but I don't think it could be anything that I could take seriously. That's how I feel.

I'm like, so I'm supposed to spend 10 minutes with somebody and then be like, I love them. I know, right? I can't see it for myself. But I think I'm going to try one because why not? The alternative is just staying inside. The worst case scenario is you get there, you realize nobody is doing it for you,

and then you just troll. And you have a good, fun time. I'm just mean just mean to everyone i'm like what are these fucking idiots not mean just like lie like you can say like like you know what i'm saying like you know when you get into like an uber and you're like i can be whoever i want to be yes and they're like asking you questions you don't have to tell the truth you can just kind of troll what's the lie that you like to tell uber drivers i tell them that i go to school for english if an uber driver asks me what i do i say i'm a college student and i study english because nobody cares about that so they don't ask really much like follow-up questions i know enough about that that i can kind of just like go on forever about it if they ask ask the student to decide to ask me questions. I used to say I was a teacher.

Yeah. So you have to have some sort of other thing. Also, if my Uber driver is religious, I will pretend to be religious as well. That's very funny. I don't think I've ever pretended to be religious but last time i said i was a teacher they were like where and i was like in los feliz they're like which school and i was like ps22 and they were like what because that's a new york that's not anywhere else and i need to like learn the name of a school if I really want to lie well. And then sometimes I say that I'm a dental hygienist,

and then they'll like ask, sometimes they'll ask questions about their teeth, and I'll just make things up. Yeah, I mean, and it's what they deserve. It's what they deserve. How dare you speak to me while I'm in your car? Yeah. Speak to me while I'm in your car. Yeah.

Do you have any advice for single people? I think my advice is to enjoy the moment. Because you're not going to be single forever if you don't want to be single. So enjoy it while it lasts. I think that that sounds like a threat. No, like seriously, because then when you get into like a relationship and you're like, oh, I don't have time. Whenever I'm involved with somebody, I forget how to like prioritize myself. whenever i'm involved with somebody i forget how to like prioritize myself and there's things that like i just like miss out on like just kind of clarity of mind in general also but um

whatever it is that your soul is wanting you you're wanting it for a reason and it's in your it's in here and it's in here because it's like it's in the e3s you're gonna get it one day i like that so just be enjoy the moment while it lasts just enjoy the moment while it lasts okay is that terrible advice it's not terrible advice also i love for single people just be on facetime with your friends all the time i i mean i what do you do about well what do you do about your friends who are like in relationships are you just in like i talk to them less i just simply speak to them less i talk to them less. I talk to them less than the single ones. That makes sense. I think

I might gather my single gal pals and try to do a, I don't know, a weekly hangout. I've been saying this for weeks. And I just gotta get them together, wrangle them, and go out! Yeah. Why not? I love

it. Okay, that's good advice. Why not? I love it. Okay. That's good advice. We have come to the end. I ask, oh wait, do you want to promote anything? The Hannah Gadsby's Netflix

Agenda Agenda March 5th. It's dropping March 5th. Yes. Congrats on that. Yes. Thank you. It was so fun.

We did it in London. Never been there before. Great vibes. Super excited. Okay. I ask all my guests this. you it was so fun we did it in london uh never been there before great vibes super excited okay i ask all my guests this would you date me yes there was a big old pause and i don't know if that's a real yes wow yes well that's it Wow. Yes. Well, that's it. We have come to the end and there's a,

yes. Anyway, if you write me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it and you can submit it to why won't you date me? Podcast at gmail.com. Also you can like, you can rate, you can subscribe on apple podcasts or whatever so okay this is a dirty thing that someone has written to me hi nicole we would start our date by going on a fun trip to the zoo

aquarium or the animal shelter depending on our mood then follow it by going to your house we'll watch seven minutes of an episode of diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives before we start pashly making out. Suddenly, uh-oh, what is this I brought? That's right, it's my Theragun. You fetch yours, and I start going to town simultaneously on that pussy and booty hole. I make you squirt a couple dozen times, resulting in a thick, creamy lubrication that allows my lubrication, that allows my Theragun that's been tickling your butthole to slide right in. Oops! But much to our surprise, the force of your blood rushing through your veins as I continue to go to town on your pussy

allows my Theragun to travel all the way through your body until it's rumbling your brain around in? What? Your skull with powerful vibrates so this person's trying to kill me with its powerful vibrations the aggressive rattling triggers a switch in your brain that cures your adhd and executive dysfunction we gasp covered in sweat and squirt you shit the theragun out you now have the power to focus on everything you've been meaning to do we clean up our mess change the sheets clean your entire house do laundry pay your bills and take your dog on a walk before i leave and never see you again wow whoever wrote that has a real gift

yeah i mean that one was intense they tried to me, but then they healed my executive dysfunction. Well, that's it. Bye-bye! You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer. This show is produced by me, Mars, with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a dirty message for Nicole? Write it

to whywon'tyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. This has been a Team Coco production. new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.