Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Saying I Love You (w/ Ashley Blaine Featherson-Jenkins)

Episode Date: November 3, 2023

Actress Ashley Blaine Featherson-Jenkins (Dear White People, Grand Crew) joins Nicole to chat about her perfect engagement story, getting over the nerves to say "I love you", and learning how to enjoy the beauty of being single. Meanwhile, Nicole is living her "horny for love" era. While some of her manifestations are starting to come true.... the question remains: can she manifest the partner of her dreams? Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: See Nicole on tour! Get tickets at linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You, Davey, a podcast where Mina Kohlbauer was trying to figure out why I'm still single. But it's been a lot of episodes, and we never got closer to figuring it out. So I'm just talking to people I like about love and relationships, and it's fun.

Okay, my guest today is an actress from Dear White People. Hello, Cupid. And you've seen her on episodes of Grand Crew. Rest in peace. Her podcast, Trials to Triumph, is on the Oprah Winfrey Network. I love Oprah and I love our guest. What a wild way to do that. Anyway, I am so excited she's here. She's wonderful. that. Anyway, I am so excited she's here. She's wonderful. She's very like serene. She's like a real adult and she's very funny. It's Ashley Blaine Feathers and Jenkins. Hi, friend. What a dumb intro. I said she's a real adult. I am. Thank you for that compliment.

You are. What if you were like, she's a real child? You know what I mean? I mean, I think that's how some people might want to introduce me. They're like, she'll never grow up. She suffers from

Peter Pan syndrome. Even though she goes to therapy, it's not taking. Nicole Byer. Ashley, thank you so much for being here.

Your skin looks incredible as always. It's not fair. I do need to go to the dermatologist you go to. And I feel like you've given me this woman's information no less than 18 times. I got you. She's the best in LA, especially if you have melanated skin. So I got you. I'll send you my girl. Okay, perfect. So Ashley, would you say that your good skin is what won you a husband? You know what? It's one of his, like early on in dating, we would say like, what are, you know, we would ask each other, like, what are some of my favorite, like, I don't know, like physically, what are some things like favorite things about me or whatever? And that is one of the things he names is my skin.

But his skin too. He has great skin. Two people with good skin. You love to see it. So, okay. You're the person. I started doing this book called Calling in the One. I will say I am on a bit of a hiatus from it.

It got a little overwhelming. It was bringing up a lot of shit that I was like, like oh no it is me um but you did it you said you did it straight through and then you met you met your husband well no no no story's a little bit different so okay the book was recommended to me i was also this this really matters. I was 24 years old. Okay. So this was like 11 years ago, literally. And at the time I was kind of, I was a couple of years out of a relationship, but I was still kind of like holding onto it. Like it was in a weird space. I was single, but it was in a weird space. And I had recently met a friend of mine who's now one of my best friends. And we had met maybe a month before. And the book was recommended to both of us by a mutual friend. We were like, hey, like, let's read it together and like shed and like call in the person for us.

But the irony of it is that I did already know my husband. I had met my husband two, three years before that. At the time, we were just like friends and like messing around here and there, whatever. But we got married almost 10 years later. So it was, I called in the one that was already there. I guess. And then 10 years later, we figured it out. I mean, that's like in the book. She tells this magical story about how she knew this

man she wasn't ready for him and then met him on a dating app back when there was no pictures and they reconnected and then they got married and then they had kids and then they consciously uncoupled because sometimes you know marriages don't last forever but this lady she seems so like chill and a lot of it is just like what are you doing to push people away and that was the thing that got me good because and she's like what prophecies are you fulfilling for yourself and i was like oh my god oh my god i'm doing so many things to fulfill this prophecy of like, nobody likes me. Nobody wants to date me. Nobody wants to stay around. And boy, oh boy, is it overwhelming. Yeah.

I remember one of the things that really stayed with me from the book. Also, highly recommend the book for anybody that like is trying to call in the one. And what you might find is that like maybe you don't call in the one, but like you do learn a lot about yourself. You know, Nicole, which it sounds like it's definitely happening with you. But something that really stuck with me was she was like, you have to release heart space. Like if someone that isn't for you or something from the past is taking up heart space, then like who's for you and what's for you can't, there's no space for them. There's nowhere for them to fit. And so I remember one of the exercises in the book is that you have to like, anywhere you have this person you're trying

to release, if you have their name anywhere in journals, pictures, whatever it is, wherever they're like lingering in your things, you have to like throw it away and like burn it. And I remember feeling so much anxiety being like oh like ripping out 50 journal pages where I was just writing and writing and writing about this person and my sadness and pictures I just didn't need and like I had to purge it I had to let it go so I could like create more space oh boy that gives me anxiety I'm not there in the book yet. I'm at the part where it's just like, right, like forgive people for like things they've done to you and like, let it go and write them a letter and then either rip up the letter, keep the letter, send the letter.

But it is like, it's a lot. And I didn't realize how much of me was, I don't want to say not good, but like I thought I was really good at communicating because I talk for a living. But I'm not. In a relationship, I'm not good at it. And I spent a lot of time being like, well, I need to make them happy as opposed to like, am I actually communicating my feelings? And then if I'm communicating my feelings am I doing it efficiently or or am I doing it well and the answer is no she's not so when did you start dating like in general like like were you an early bloomer a late bloomer a middle bloomer can you give me like ranges? Like what's considered early?

Oh, so, okay. I didn't start really dating until like my twenties. So early to me is like middle school, high school. Cause I'm like, how did you, how did anyone have time to date in high school? Oh yeah. Okay. So then I was early, I guess. Yeah. Like I, I, the most serious boyfriend I remember having was in high school. So by like my freshman, sophomore year of high school, I was like in serious relationships in high school. Really? And how did you have, were you in clubs and shit? I was in all of the clubs. Like literally I was in clubs, SGA, the choir, the theater, the whatever. And my like boyfriends were too. Like they were, you know, especially in high school. I mean, I guess it's the same now with football, but like if you played football, I remember

they would have like three a days. Like, I don't know how anybody you're right. Hanged out in high school. Definitely don't know how I had a whole boyfriend, but I did. But, um, and the funny thing is that it was long distance too so long distance in the sense that like he went to a we didn't go to the same school he went to a school that was like 30 minutes away and lived lived about 30 40 minutes away commuting to date while in school we were commuting to date while in school. Yeah. Honestly, that sounds

absolutely unhinged. And I just I barely have the time now as an adult. And like the thought of dating someone who lives in like Santa Monica, where it's like a half hour commute, I'd be like, that's a no for me, dog. Sorry about it. Yeah, like I wouldn't do it now. But I guess in high school was like cute. And it was a kind of a group of us, like a group of girlfriends. We all kind of had boyfriends that went to this all boys school. So we would like go out there and like visit them or they would come in and visit us. And we would see each other on the weekends. Like it just kind of worked. Talk on the phone all night, you know, that type of thing. I think I really missed out on dating in high school because I went I lived directly behind an all boys Christian school

and I could truly just like go through a friend's backyard and find all the boys and I never did did you want to did you have urges to or were you a little scared a little shy oh my god I had crushes all day every day I was always in love with somebody um in from like elementary school to middle school to high I always had a crush and I don't think I ever acted on it I think I did once no maybe twice I was like oh my god do you like like me and they were like absolutely not uh it never came to fruition and then I spent my early 20s being just a woman who chased after men who didn't want her. Yeah, you saying that's making me think about like the unrequited love experiences I had from like, like I remember it was a guy named Spike when I was in elementary school.

His name was Spike. I know. His name was Spike, which like looking back, I'm like, whoa, that's cool. Anywho, Spike was not banging with me. Or like in middle school, I used to love this guy named Tim Garbinski. And like I remember I like fractured my wrist around Valentine's Day in like seventh or eighth grade. And I remember, you know, going to get the cast and being like, what color do you want? Me being like, red, Obviously, it's February.

And literally being like, I will break my other wrist if Tim Garbinski does not sign my cast. Like, I will break every limb. And I remember, like, waiting on him to come to class and being like, you know, kind of like, wounded girl. Like, he was like, what happened? I was like, yeah, like I fell ice skating. It really hurts. Do you want to sign it? And he signed it and like still wasn't banging with me like that, but you know, whatever. But I remember just like really liking this guy and having a, like at the time, uh, one of my like close friends in school

was like gay. He's like my first gay, like, you know, kind of bestie. But he was, like, best friends with him, too. So he was, like, in the middle and, like, trying to help us figure it out. But it never amounted to anything. And he never liked me. And I had to move on with my life. I'm so sorry. I mean, in high school, I had a gaggle of gays.

It's really funny to, like, look back on it and be like, oh. And I had a crush on one of them and I like told him and he was like yeah I mean I think I really like Asian women and I was like oh okay there were no Asian girls who went to like there was like maybe two or three but like not enough to be like this is my thing and then you know later he came out as gay but yeah i just like so it wasn't on purpose but there was always gay men around me and i was like why do gay men like me but then straight men don't like me who knows it's my lot in life but also i do prefer gay men because they'll be like you look good girl. And straight men will just be like,

oh, that's a thing you're wearing. And I'm like, just come on, please. Although I did date someone recently who would tell me how beautiful I looked all the time. And I was like, this is what I love. I love compliments. That really matters, though. Like, I think anybody that like acts like they don't care if they're ever complimented is lying. I think so too. Like nobody is like, it's okay. I just tell, I tell myself that I'm beautiful. No, you want to hear from other people, especially from someone that you love or you're into that you look good.

Like I just, there's no way that people are okay with that. This will sound very toxic, but I used to wear a lot of makeup all the time, everywhere I went never left my house without makeup and then I was dating this person and I was wearing makeup one night they slept over and then the other the like next morning we woke up and I had to go to work and I wasn't wearing makeup because I was going to work and he looked at me and he was like you look really pretty this morning and I was like it's 6 a.m I don't look pretty he's like no no you do he's like are you wearing makeup right now why are you wearing makeup at 6 a morning. And I was like, it's 6 a.m. I don't look pretty. He's like, no, no, you do. He's like, are you wearing makeup right now?

Why are you wearing makeup at 6 a.m.? And I was like, I'm not wearing makeup. And he's like, you look just as pretty as you did last night. And I was like, oh my God. I'm married to you? And then I didn't. You know, but it just, it was one of the first times that a man was like,

you look pretty the way you are. And I don't want to be like you need that but I did I needed someone I was dating to tell me that like I was enough and that like the way I wake up is beautiful and it was the first time it happened and it was lovely did you stop wearing makeup as much after like did it kind of liberate that for you yeah it did it was a thing where and it wasn't like this person validated that I look fine without makeup it was just like a little step to be like hey you don't have to cover your face and makeup every single day you can go the world's not gonna vomit when they see you without makeup on um and it was uh it was just like a nice

thing and then he always made sure to tell me that like i looked pretty anytime we went out and again not saying that i need outside validation because i think i'm a beautiful person but it was just nice to know that the person i was with also thought i was beautiful yeah of course boy oh boy. I miss them. Anywho, Ashley, do you remember the first time you said I love you to somebody? boyfriend, the one that I was like doing long distance for a couple of years with, because I was like a real relationship. Like that was like, we were like giving each other cards for random occasions and like, you know, like going out to dinner. Like it was like real, but it was probably to him. Yeah. And you don't remember it? No, I don't. I don't. I actually have no memory of that. I'll never forget it.

Really? Yeah, because I didn't know how to say I love you to anybody. I'd never done it before. So I Googled it and WikiHow had pictures. Oh, wow. And I was like, okay, so that's how you do it. It was like, wait for a good moment when you guys are together. So that's what I did. And then I wrote out a whole thing, like an insane person. And I read it to him.

And I also built in a thing where I was like, you might not say it back, and that's okay. I accept that. And then he said it back later but i think i just took him by surprise because i had written a whole soliloquy about how i loved him and i don't recommend that for anybody just say it from your heart you don't have to do too much prep work yeah just keep it real. I do remember the first time I told my now husband, my then situation ship that I loved him. I definitely remember that. I was like, in a puddle on the floor. I was mad about something and like crying to him on the phone. I don't literally can't remember what I was mad about. But I was in like my little studio apartment on the floor. Like you would have thought that like someone had just stabbed me or something. I just was on the

floor crying. And he was like, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Like, again, whatever I was crying about was not a big deal. And I was like, I'm crying because I think I'm in love with you. And he was like, no, you're not. That was the first thing he said. That was like, yes, I am. Why would you say that to me? He was like, why would you be in love with me? He did the classic like guy. What what is it about me that, you know, it's like, why wouldn't I love you? I loved you for so long. Like, whatever. It was a whole thing. And then later he was like, I just didn't know how to say it back. And then it's so dramatic it was so dramatic it is kind of dramatic it's like um I'm not I I may seem like a vulnerable person because I

I just talk a lot about my life but I'm not an actual vulnerable person in relationships or in my friendships sometimes uh because being vulnerable opens you up to get hurt and i don't who like who wants to get hurt and saying i love you is such a vulnerable thing because the person could just go no or i don't love you back or yuck god it's so hard love hurts or it feels really good like and you have to, that's the thing though, Nicole, you just have to take the risk because there's no, you know, you don't get a reward without taking a little risk. And so sometimes that person is going to be like, yes, I love you back. I love you so much. I love you so much. And other times they're going to be like, I don't, but you got to say it to find out sometimes. Sometimes you do. Okay.

So who proposed to who? Was it you or did Daryl propose to you? What was it? Tell me. Daryl 1 billion percent proposed to me. I did not propose to him. No, no, no. I'm like, I don't know.

I want to say I'm kind of, my instinct is saying I want to say that I'm kind of opposed to like the woman proposing to the man. But I don't want to say that I'm against it because everyone has their own thing. And I think that by saying I'm against it, that would maybe suggest that I'm like, I don't want a woman to also own that, that like, that's part of their life if they don't want to. But like, for me, I 1000%, if it were up to me to get engaged to somebody, like I would never be engaged. I don't think. Really?

If I was just waiting for, like, if it were, if it were going to be on me to propose to somebody else, I would never be engaged. I don't think. Well, what did Daryl plan? Was it something delightful or was it something simple? Oh, it was delightful. And it was exactly what I would have wanted or what I did want. So it was in the pandemic, which was like a crazy time, as you know.

We got engaged September 18th, 2020. Basically, our dating anniversary is September 1st. He literally took me out to dinner and was like, will you be my girlfriend? And I was like, yes. He did it very old school. But anyway, so September is always a month we like to celebrate, whatever. And so, he had planned a trip and was like, all right, we're going to do a little weekend trip. He didn't tell me where we were going, but told me how to pack. And I was like, okay. And I'm like texting my girlfriends the whole time, like my best friends, Angelique and Madison. And I'm like, Daryl's being so weird. I just was like, he's not really telling me what to pack.

I'm like, he's telling me to pack like hot stuff, also kind of cold stuff. I was like, I don't know if he's trying to throw me off. And they're like, yeah, girl, he's trying to throw you off. Like, this is crazy. Like, you're going to have so much fun though. Like, just go with the flow. Just go with the flow. I'm like, yeah, but like he's being so weird. Anywho, so we get in the car and we start driving. And then I kind of start realizing a little ways through that we're going to Santa Barbara, which we love Santa Barbara. So we get to Santa Barbara, we get to check in this nice hotel. And I'm like, you know, again, I think we're just celebrating like our anniversary, which at that time was two years we'd been together. Yeah. And so I was like, so what are we going to do? And he was like,

I don't really have plans. Like, I thought we could just like, you know, maybe grab dinner somewhere and play it by ear. And I was like, okay. So you just didn't plan anything. Got it. Exciting. But I was happy to be with him, right? So we go to dinner, like a very casual dinner the first night.

And then the Saturday we wake up and he's like, hey, I love horseback riding, which is ironic because I just went horseback riding over this weekend and I hadn't done it since we got engaged. So it was kind of like a moment. Anywho, so we'd been saying we wanted to go horseback riding. And so we wake up in the morning. He's like, I don't really have plans, but do you want to maybe go horseback riding? And I was like, oh, my gosh, Dee, yes. That would be amazing. He's like, okay. So he like goes in his laptop and I find out later he's acting as if he's making a reservation,

like fully typing things in. It's like, yeah, okay. Yep. We're confirmed for three o'clock. And I'm like, oh my God, that's great. He's like, yeah, they barely had any spaces left. Thank God they put us in. I'm like, oh my God, yes. So we get to the place and I brought a Polaroid camera with me just because I wanted to like have memories. I was like really into Polaroid. I still am, but at the time I was like taking a lot or disposable camera rather. So we get to the place. He's like, let's take a picture like before we get on the horse. And I was like, okay. And he's not typically like at the time, the picture suggester, it was always me. So I was like, oh my God, this is so cute. Like he wants to take a the picture suggester it was always me so I was like oh my

god that's so cute like he wants to take a picture but really it was like our last picture kind of like before we got engaged and so we meet up with like our who I thought was just our like horseback riding instructor and uh we go on it's just like the three of us so then we get to the beach it was like a like through the woods like to the beach in Santa Barbara so we get to the beach. It was like through the woods, like to the beach at Santa Barbara. So we get there, and it's just so beautiful. Like, it just was gorgeous. And so the, like, horseback instructor lady was like, do you want to get off the horse? I was like, no.

I just, I'm kind of liking just staying up here on the horse. I'm like, it just looks so beautiful. And Daryl's like, no, Bash, you should get down. I'm like, why? Like, I staying up here on the horse. I'm like, it just looks so beautiful. And Daryl's like, no, Bash, you should get down. I'm like, why? Like, I want to sit on the horse. Like, I'm kind of like going back and forth with them. I'm like, okay, fine, I'll get down. So then I get down and Daryl's like, look, it's so beautiful.

And like, he's telling me to look at the ocean. And then I turn around and he's on one knee. And the horseback riding instructor transformed into a photographer. She was also a photographer. At this point, she has like a different transformed into a photographer. She was also a photographer. At this point, she has like a different outfit, a vest, you know, she has a lens out. She's doing all sorts of different things. And then we had like champagne and like, you know, snacks and stuff on the beach and got to celebrate. And then that night we went to a beautiful like French restaurant for dinner. And I'm like calling, FaceTiming all my friends. I'm like, oh my God,

We went to a beautiful, like, French restaurant for dinner. And I'm, like, calling, FaceTiming all my friends. I'm like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Meanwhile, they were all in town. They all knew about it because we had a surprise engagement party the next day. So he was making it seem like we were coming back to L.A. to, like, he got us an Airbnb to, like, not be at our house. Like, to do something different. I was like, Daryl, why would we stay at an Airbnb and not our house?

Like, that's insane. Like, why would we spend the money to, like, spend a night in an Airbnb? Like, we have a perfectly fine place. He's like, no, but we just got engaged. Like, that's crazy. We're not going back to our apartment. No. And I was like, okay.

And he threw a surprise engagement party with, like, 50, 60 friends. And it was like a party. And it's what I always, like, decorated. Bartenders. Like, you know, it just was my best friend since I was 12 years old, flew in town. She was, she had just had a baby three months before that. Like, it just was really, really beautiful. Everyone risks their lives and COVID. And we had a blast, but I just said that to say, you know, our engagement weekend was everything I could have wanted. From, like, the ring to the Santa Barbara to the horses to surprising me with all my closest friends and our friends that we've made throughout the years.

It was gorgeous. It was great. Oh, that's so nice. That's so—it's so thoughtful and nice. And it's, like, a real, like, show of love. Yeah. And the cool thing about it is that it actually was a pivot. We were supposed to get engaged in Kenya,

but because of COVID, our trip had to get canceled. So this was a big pivot that he made, the Santa Barbara and the engagement party in LA. That wasn't at all the original plan. I mean, what a great pivot. I mean, it still sounds delightful. It reminds me of not a great story, but Jada Pinkett Smith has been on a press tour and I love every single thing about it. And there was a video where Will Smith was like, I threw this beautiful party for her

birthday because she was like in this like midlife crisis. And I was like, I'm going to pull her out of it. And then Jada said, this is the biggest display of ego I've ever seen. and I was like I'm gonna pull her out of it and then Jada said this is the biggest display of ego I've ever seen and I was like Jada he was trying to do something nice and I don't know the ins and outs of their relationship but like Daryl doing such a beautiful thing and you being like thank you I think is the appropriate response yeah also it was what I wanted like I yes I used to talk about, like, I think I love it when people have, like, engagement parties right after they get engaged. So, like, he listened to me. I think I might have said that. I might have said what Jada said if it were something that only he wanted. That might have felt that way. Like, if we got engaged

on a football field, I would have been like, this is the biggest display of ego I've ever seen. But that's not what happened. You know, it was beautiful. And then how long did you guys date before getting married? So we dated like officially like from September 1st, 2018, when he was like, will you be my girlfriend to when we got engaged in 2020, two years. But we were like in a situationship for many, many, many, many years before that. So I always say like the way I describe it is like our 20s because we met when we were like 22 and 23. So our 20s were like a whole bunch of back and forth, a whole bunch of ridiculousness. But like we always had these feelings for each other. And then we turned 30 and we're like, what are we doing?

We're in love with each other and have been together ever since. Like that's the best way to describe it. But two years before we got married. Okay. And then while you were having your situationship, was there like other people? Were you like, you'd like be together, break up, be with other people, get back together? So that's the thing. We were never, we were never in a relationship that's what made it a

situation ship until he asked me to be his girlfriend that day and oh so you're just hooking up and like it was just whatever yeah like hooking up and like yes there were other people and you know I'm mad about this person he's mad you know it was all of that and but like we were not like officially there were no like to this, we've never broken up, if that makes sense. We've never had like a breakup. No. That's nice. You guys have a tradition where you alternate planning your anniversary trips. Yes. Yes. I'm on the hook next year. And every time it's my turn, I'm like, oh God, what am I going to do? But it's such a great tradition. It keeps it spicy. It also like, it allows each partner to show up for the other one in a special way.

You know what I mean? And I really appreciate that. Like I don't want to feel like I'm the only one planning the cool stuff. You know what I mean? Like no, you should be doing it too. But Daryl really knocked it out of the park this year. And so I'm like and it's funny because I'm not competitive, but like this is where we start to get competitive. I'm like, ooh.

What do you take you this year? How am I going to top this year? We went to the one and only Mandarina, which is in Riviera Maya outside of Porto Verde. Oh, okay. You fly into PV. It was one of the most beautiful resorts I've ever been to in my entire life. It actually was just voted like one of the top resorts in the world. It's really, really like from like, I want to say Conde Nast or Travel and Leisure, one of those magazines.

Oh, lovely. It's kind of like, it's gorgeous. It's in Mexico, but it's gorgeous because you get like jungle and you get beautiful water that you can like get into. And it's safe and great food. And we just had a blast. Also, we were there like during the week. So we were there like Monday to Friday. And I realized I like traveling during the week because it really feels like a break. You know how like typically you'll do like a Thursday to Monday. And so a lot of it's the weekend, which is like you're already like typically more off on the weekend. But like traveling in the middle of the week is like my new favorite thing.

Yeah, it's delightful. Also, you miss all the weird people on the weekend who are also like getting away. Exactly. Yeah, I went to Cancun. Where did I go? Not Cancun. I went to Cabo and we were there. I think Wednesday, Thursday was fun. And then Friday, Saturday, like a bunch of weirdo, like just weird vacation people came. And I was like, I don't like this. Go back home. It takes a turn.

It takes a turn on the weekends, for sure. Yeah. Real quick, we gotta take a break. We're back. Okay, so you've been acting since you were four years old? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And when did you decide you wanted to be an actor? I mean, I would say it was around then,

like when I was in my first play. The three Billy Goats Gruff? Yes. Were you cast as a goat? Yeah. Which made you cry because you didn't want to play a mean character?

I was cast as a troll. Oh, a troll. I was a troll. I didn't want to be a troll. And I just wanted to be a nice bunny rabbit and like not bother anybody. But they were like,

you're a star. You need, you have main character energy. And I was like, okay. And like, honestly, the bug bit me then. Like my parents even talk about it. They're like, we knew, like we knew, like you came, obviously I was like hamming it around, you know, even, you know, as a baby, as a child, whatever. But it was like on that stage, they saw, I just, something changed in me. And honestly, I've been going at it and studying and studying and doing it ever since.

Really, truly, I've never stopped in 30 years. And then you went to the Studio Theatre in Washington, D.C. So you're from, you're from not D.C., you're from Maryland. Yeah, Maryland, D.C. area. Like I was born in D.C., but it's all the same. We're all growing up in the same area. And then you went to Howard. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. What was Howard like? My mother wanted me to go to a HBC or HBCU and I was like, no, I'm gonna go to,

I'm gonna go to New York and go to a conservatory. Which in hindsight, I really should have just gone to an HBCU because, I don't know. I think it's nice.

It's nice to be around people who look like you. It's really special. It's special. And like everything you're just saying is exactly why I went. My mom is also a Howard alum. My dad is as an HBCU alum. Like I come from a family of HBCU goers. But it was like some of the best four years of my life. Like when I think when I break my life up in like, you know, quarters or whatever, it was it was an amazing part of my life. And like it's exactly what you said, Nicole, like going being surrounded and immersed by like your people and everybody is excellent and beautiful and thriving and smart and doing their thing. It just, it's impossible to leave there and not be better, to not be more empowered as a Black person or a Black woman.

I left Howard more cultured because that's the other thing, too. You know, you're around everybody from the diaspora, right? So I'm around Caribbean people. I'm around people that are from, you know, Black folks from the UK, black folks from Africa, like everywhere, you know what I mean? But also like black folks from Detroit, you know what I mean? It just, it's all, we're all together and we're all celebrating, you know, part of the tradition of HBCU too, is that you're celebrating blackness all the time. Sometimes it's just, you know, there's soul food Thursday, every Thursday, but that is a celebration of blackness. You know, it's, you know, it's the Greeks stepping on the yard. That's a celebration of blackness. It's,

you know, a random party where, you know, we're swag surfing. That's a celebration of blackness. So it, it was truly one of the best decisions, like marrying Daryl and going to Howard were like best decisions of my life. I love that. And you were in a sorority. Are you still in a sorority? Is it sorority for life? What is a sorority?

It's sorority for life. I mean, like if you want to be like, I'm an, I'm an AKA, but like if you want to be like active, you obviously have to like pay your dues. But like once you're in, you're in. So yeah, but I am an active soror. I would like to say that I'm paying my dues. Soror. What do you, what did you call yourself? A soror? A soror. I would like to say that. I'm paying my dues. Soror? What did you call yourself? A soror?

A soror. Yeah. Soror. AKA, is that pink and green? Yes. Or is that a delta? What are deltas? No, deltas are red and white.

Red and white. Zetas are blue and white. And SG Roles are yellow and blue. SG Roles? I don't think I've ever heard of them. Sigma gamma rho. Oh, yes. I have heard of them.

And then, yeah. When did you move to L.A.? February 1st, 2010. I love that you remember the date, like the exact dates. Oh, yeah. It's impossible to forget. I've been like waiting my whole life to do it. And so did you, what was your move to L.A.?

My move to L.A. was very much like, uh-oh, I don't have money. I don't know where to live. I don't know what a good area is. So I slept on a friend's couch for a while, and she had cats, and I'm allergic to cats. So I would sneeze and sneeze and sneeze. But they were very sweet cats. So I would sneeze and sneeze and sneeze. But they were very sweet cats. Similar. I feel like most people like it's a it's a version of the story that you just told. So mine is that I I graduated from Howard in May of 2009. And, you know, all I want I had gotten a

job as like a roving leasing consultant, which means, basically, I was a leasing consultant in, like, multiple different properties, so I would, like, you know, pop into different properties. It was actually not a bad paying job. Obviously, I wasn't going to do that forever. Anywho, and so I was just trying to save, save, save, and figure out how I was going to get to LA because I needed to get there as soon as possible, and in December of that year, we have like a family tradition where my godmother and my god sister come over the day after Christmas, which is my mom's birthday. And so they came over like they always do. And, you know, they're like, Ash, you know, how's it been going? You know, fresh out of school. And I'm like, I

mean, it's fine, but like, I'm just ready to move to LA, like whatever. Like I was just, I was kind of in that zone where I was like a little like, I'm just so tired of being at home with my parents, like back with my parents, you know, whatever. And my god sister, Darren, she at the time was getting her PhD at Claremont, which is in the IE area, like, you know, like 50 miles outside of LA. And she was like, well, if you want to move,

like you can come and like stay on my couch for a little bit until you get settled. And I was like, are you serious? She was like, of course. Like, you can just come live with me. I went upstairs, bought a one-way ticket.

I remember it was like, I got a one-way ticket for $90 on Delta. It was Delta. $90? I saved the ticket. Yes, I still have it. And I moved February. So that was December 26th. I moved February 1st. And so I say that to say I had no money, was staying with my god sister on an air mattress. I, you know, was hustling to try to get a job this is gonna sound so crazy to you so i'm living in like upland which again is like 50 miles outside of la i got a job at united colors of benetton okay which is no longer so i don't know how old you are but you might be too young to even know what that is no not you whoever's listening might be too young

probably i figured you i figured you would probably know, but it was a cool store. But at the Santa Monica Promenade. So I was driving. It was like 100 miles. 50 miles. Oh, my God. 100 miles round trip like a dummy. I had shipped my RAV4, Raven the RAV, shipped Raven out to LA. And like, I just was struggling. I had no money. And then eventually my god sister and I got a two bedroom apartment. And I continued to get, like, I think until I stopped like working survival jobs, I had like 18 or something like that. Like as soon as the jobs didn't work or wouldn't let me go to an audition or wouldn't let me whatever, I was just like, bye, not trying to build a resume anyway. Like I just didn't care. So but that was my story. Honestly, it was my god sister who

gave me a chance, gave me a shot, gave me a bed. Yeah, I mean, it always is nice when you have people like that. Like my friend who I stayed with, she didn't charge me rent. And I was like trying to figure I was like, what the fuck do people do here? Then I found baby. I was like, I started babysitting out here, too. I was babysitting in New York as well and then was like just trying to like coach improv and just like gather the funds it was tough but like also I wouldn't trade it for the world it was one of the I don't know most fun experiences then I moved into a two-bedroom with my friend and our other friend who slept on the couch. And that was wild. But then you co-created a web series in 2012 called Hello Cupid. Would you say that was like the thing that kind of put you on people's radars? For sure. One thousand percent. Because, you know,

at the time, Nicole, podcasts were like, not podcasts, web series were like becoming a thing. And like people were, a lot of people were watching more web series and even sometimes they were watching TV. It was like an interesting time in Hollywood where people were really able to create their own thing for not a lot of money and for not a lot of money, but could have a lot of viewership. And that's what Lena Waithe and I did. And we created Hello Cupid. And it did really well. And yeah, I think people were like, who is this girl?

Like, she's really, she's talented. She obviously has a producer's brain, too. And she obviously wants to work because she created a lane for herself or like a show for herself. And, you know, I look back at those days of like, you know, like just, it was so, we did everything guerrilla style. It was very like, all right, you know, who has a camera? We found somebody that's going to, you know,

give us our camera for $20. Let's just shoot it now. You know, can you meet up tomorrow? Can you, can you bring all your own clothes? You know, like all the things you do your own hair and makeup, you know, like it just, and at the time it was, it was fun. It was, it was a lot of fun. And I was really, I'm still really proud of what we created. Cause I think whenever you create something out of knowing you don't have an opportunity and not just waiting for one to fall out of knowing you don't have an opportunity and not just waiting for one to fall out of the sky and creating it for yourself, it's very rewarding.

And I think it always will lead to something greater. I agree. And whenever I used to do like a lot of Q&As with like college kids and I'd be like, don't wait. Just create what you want to create. There's so many different lanes for put up a fucking web series on tiktok like fucking put up videos anywhere you can like there somebody will find you somebody will like you uh you know just keep creating and that's what uh i don't know that's what i keep doing i like i just keep doing what i like to do and hope that people find it and like it. Yeah, that's all we can do. Just to pivot back to love, dating, and relationships, what kind of advice would you, other than doing Calling in the One, what other advice would you give a single lady such as myself

or a single person listening? lady such as myself or a single person listening? The advice I would give is, one, find ways to enjoy your singleness. And what I mean by that is like, as much as I love marriage, and even before we got married, partnership, being in a relationship, it's different than when you're single. And there is a beauty to a single life. There's another beauty to a partnered or married life too, but there is beauty in being single. And I think sometimes when you are really focused on being partnered or being married,

really focused on being partnered or being married, that you miss out on the beauty of what your current life is too and how that will change. So I would just, again, figure out a way to kind of shift your perspective that you still have gratitude for your single season two and that there's a lot to learn and there's a lot of growth that ultimately needs to happen so that when you do find your person, hopefully you don't mess it up. So I would say that. And also live. And that sounds really general. But what I mean by that is I think sometimes we put a lot of pressure on, I got

to be on the apps. I got to have a friend hook me up with such and such. I got to do this. I got to, I got to be waxed. I got to be whatever it is. But truthfully, you just have to live. Most people meet people just by living, having experiences, going to the grocery store, walking around at the park, whatever it is, that does happen. But if you stop living, then you stop experiencing, you stop meeting people, you stop growing. So all of those things kind of, to me, help get you closer to your person, whether it's literally in proximity to like meeting them or just where you need to be at a person to be ready for them. I think that's good advice. I watched this like Instagram video of this man who was like,

you think you should go to a club to meet a guy? Well, do you want a guy who's always in the club? And then he like listed a bunch of other places. He's like, go camping, go go do things that you like to do to meet somebody. And I was like, but I like pole dancing. And most people, most men who pole dance are very, very gay. So I got to figure out something. Another thing I like that maybe I'll meet a man who wants to date me. I don't know. I think that's good advice, though, to just like live your life. I am trying to do that, trying to live my life, have a nice time, but I'm just so horny.

But I'm in an era where I'm just, I'm fucking, I'm horny for love. And I've been in this little era before, but I'm back in it. I don't want just, like, random hookups that just doesn't seem fun to, like like fuck somebody and then be like, OK, see you later. I'll never see you again. Truly horny for love and just trying

to figure out how to get it real quick. We got to take a break. You're on your way, Nicole. Like, it's all happening. And even just you saying, like, you have to be honest with yourself when you've outgrown a season. Like, even just that alone is getting you closer to love. You're not staying in a place that, like, doesn't serve you anymore, that doesn't feel good to you anymore, that isn't you anymore. And that alone is going to take you really, that isn't you anymore. And that alone is going to take you really far to finding your partner. So I'm excited for you. Do you know anyone?

Not really. I got to be honest about it. What the fuck? Every fucking person. It's getting rough. I'm not going to lie. It's rough. I have so many friends who are in wonderful relationships or, you know, they've chosen to be single for a little bit am i do you know anybody and everyone is always like no not at all don't know a single fucking person why until we do until we do people pop up all the time people do pop up all the time i like met this guy and I thought we were flirting and I invited him to something and he was like, yeah, I'll come. And then it just never aligned.

And then he started texting me again. And I was like, oh, my God, he's coming back into my life. Oh, my God. Maybe we'll go out. And then he was like my girlfriend. And I was like, what is happening? What do you why? Why are you texting me? I do not want.

I have all the friends I've ever needed. I do not need you. I don't want this. Yeah, I feel like anytime I'm like, ooh, this person might be interested. They're like, okay, me and my girlfriend will come to your show. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to crawl into a shallow grave and go to sleep. Yeah, I feel it. But just, Nicole, what I want you to know is that like,

anything and everything can change at any time. Like, any time. We could end this podcast and you could text me tomorrow and be like, girl, you are not going to believe it. I'm going to be like, actually, I do. Like that's what that's what you have to hold on to that. Like things change. Think about how many things have already changed in your life. You are broke.

Now you're not. You were sleeping on couches. Now you're not. So if that's the case, why can't that change as far as your relationship status as well? You just have to keep believing. Oh, my God. That was nice and beautiful. Just keep believing.

Do you ever get on a plane and then go, what if everyone stops believing? Because to me, planes are insane. Like the fact that this huge thing is just fucking flying. I'm like, what if we all just stop believing? Will this plane go down? I think of that all the time when i'm on planes which is really so dark like what if we wait what do you mean what if we stop believing that like this plane is actually flying through the sky okay like thousands of pounds it

it's very silly and nobody thinks the way i do. Um, I recently went to a wedding. It was my friend's wedding. And, uh, wow. I'm just bouncing around. I don't know if I took my ADHD medicine, whatever,

but I went to this wedding and it was a beautiful ceremony. But the priest at one point says some relationships don't work out, but it's, uh, he was like, being in a relationship is better than being single. And I was like, oh, my God. Is this man, did he like wake up to hurt my feelings?

I couldn't believe he said that at this wedding. What? Also, it was a priest? It was a very, my friend is religious and goes to church a lot. Maybe it wasn't a priest. Maybe it was a rever my friend is religious and goes to church a lot. Maybe it wasn't a priest. Maybe it was a reverend or something. It was like a very formal wedding. And I couldn't believe it.

I was like, OK. Were there any audible gasps? No, because everybody there, I think, was truly truly partnered and they were like, ha ha ha, you're right. We're all in relationships and it is better than being single. It was just funny because I was like, I'm in a mood where I'm like, I would like to be partnered. And he was like, being single is the pits. And I was like, it is, sir. It is it is yeah I don't know because also like being in a ridiculous relationship is the pits too so honestly I I disagree with the priest the pastor whatever he was rabbi I I disagree I I because it is true. Like, I would rather be, I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do, I don't want to be miserable with you. Like, if you're making me miserable, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? I would rather just be miserable by myself. Yeah, I guess so. I guess I would rather be miserable than with somebody. But then you could just be like, you could commiserate together and be like, doesn't our relationship suck? No, I'm kidding.

I know this episode comes out after Halloween, but I went to a psychic who told me I was going to meet someone at a Halloween party. And then I made plans to go away for Halloween. And I was like, should I not go away with girls that I know I'm going to have a great time with and go to Halloween parties where I might not have a great time just to find somebody? Well, Nicole, who's to say that there's not a party where you're going? Oh, yeah. That makes sense. That makes sense. I could end up going to a party. Yeah. I have been to so many psychics just trying to be like, when? When? And all of them are like, soon.

Can't tell you anything other than just it's going to happen soon, which is the most frustrating thing in the whole fucking world. So do you like really buy into like psychics? The most frustrating thing in the whole fucking world. Mm-hmm. So do you, like, really buy into, like, psychics? Like, are you going to people that have, like, the crystal ball outside of there? No. Okay, okay. So I have friends who will see a psychic and then will, like, happen to talk about it and then they'll give me their information. And truly, I've been to maybe, maybe like four or five and only one was really good and the mark of it no two were very good and the mark of a good psychic is they don't tell you

anything you don't already know so like you're like past stuff things you've done your family stuff um but then things in the future i've had them say things and they've like come true. And I'm like, oh, my God. So I do believe in it. But also I'm like woo woo. I'm like witchy. I like candles. I do. No, me too. I believe that like there's got to be people on Earth that have like a little bit more access than the rest of us and like are a little bit more connected. Like I for sure believe in that. Yeah. Yeah.

I once made a car appear. I was in. OK. I was in Greece with my friend Mano. It was I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast, but it was the hottest day of the year. We decided to go to a beach. The guy who dropped us off was like, nobody's going to pick you up. It's too steep for cars to go down. And we were like, OK. And then we get to a beach. The guy who dropped us off was like, nobody's going to pick you up. It's too steep for cars to go down.

And we were like, okay. And then we get to the beach and then the guy at the beach club was like, oh, I mean, no car is going to come get you. It's too steep. But you can walk to the bus stop. It's 10 minutes away. And we were like, okay, 10 minutes. That's fine. But we didn't anticipate how hot it was going to get like towards like 3, 4 o'clock.

It was like 102, 105. I it was disgusting and we were walking and we had been walking for like a solid five six minutes and i was like mono how much further is it and he was like it still says 10 minutes and i was like how how does it still say 10 minutes and i was like doesn't anyone hitchhike here and he was like i don't know nicole and we were both like turning on each other because it was so hot and then a car i didn't see it pass, but it was just on the side of the road, a little black Volkswagen Golf. And a lady was like, hey, where are you guys going? And we were like, oh, to the bus stop.

She's like, yeah, but where are you going after the bus stop? We were like to the boat to go back to Mykonos. And she's like, I'll take you. So we got in the car with her. There was other people walking that she did not stop for. And I very much believe I made that car. I was like at my wits end and I truly was like chanting in my brain. I was like, a car has to stop. A car has to stop. A car has to stop. It will stop and it will take us to where we need to go. And then it happened.

I have to say that story is lovely. However, all I keep thinking about is like, what if she was an axe murderer? Like, you just got in a car with a random woman that was like, do you want a ride? Yes. Oh, no. I would have been too scared. Yes, and she was very, very sweet.

If she was an axe murderer, ballsy for her because it was daylight. You're going to kill two people? Also, I'm... Okay, this will sound insane, and I know fat people get murdered, murderer a ballsy for her because it was daylight you're gonna kill two people also i'm okay this will sound insane and i know fat people get murdered but i just think it's more effort than you really want to put out you like oh my god so if you kill a fat person you got to dispose of them that's like disposing of two people that's a lot of work i just i i just don't see it for myself and no shade to any fat

people who have been murdered and the people have put in the effort of disposing. But I just think it's too much effort. I'm picking up what you're putting down. Right? I see what you're saying. I do. But still scary. No, I'm never worried about someone murdering me.

I truly am too charismatic. One. One. Two, I think it's too much effort to get rid of this body. Three, you're going to keep me? Where are you going to keep me? I'm so loud. I would figure out, I would make a noise. You wouldn't be able to kidnap me, keep me anywhere.

I just, I don't see it for myself. I'm so happy you don't see it. I don't see it for myself either, but I hear what you're saying. And I'm still not getting in a car with somebody, but. On the hottest day of the year? No. Really? I would have just had to seek shelter and miss the boat or something.

Or I would have just kept walking, Nicole. There's also that option. No, not at all. I was like, Mano looked at me and I said, we're getting in the car. And Mano was like, okay. No, not at all. I was like, I, Mano looked at me and I said, we're getting in the car. And Mano was like, okay. And I don't, I should. If I were with you, like, I would have been like, no, Nicole, we're not. And then you would have left, got in the car with a nice lady, been on the boat. I would have been seeking shelter until the sun went down. But I don't know i just don't believe in a world where

something terrible is gonna happen to me uh only nice things i love that no that that's a good perspective you're right you have to expect the best expect the best expect the best. Expect the best. Expect the best. Ashley, before we go, I asked all of my guests this and I fully fucking forgot. I don't know what's going on with my little brain. Ashley, would you date me? One thousand percent. Oh, thank you. I think you're so beautiful.

I think you're so funny. I think you're so real and you're fun. Like love and dating is about having fun. So someone you can have fun with and that's going to keep it real with you. One thousand percent. I would totally date you, Nicole. I love that. Thank you, Ashley.

I needed that. Well, Ashley, thank you so much for doing this little podcast episode. Do you have anything? Do you have anything that you want to promote? Yeah, I mean, my podcast, Trials to Triumphs, you can get it anywhere you listen to podcasts, new episodes each and every Monday. And actually, I have Nicole coming on as a guest.

So that's going to be happening in November. And it is a fantastic episode. She's showing us a different side, everybody. We're going deep. We're learning about her childhood. We're learning about lessons. Lessons I learned. You know, we're learning about self-confidence.

It's a lot. She gave a lot and it was a fun, beautiful episode and I'm excited for you all to listen to it. It was very fun. I'm excited for it to come out. And it's on the OWN Network. It's on, not the OWN Network, it's on Oprah Winfrey's podcast network. Yes. Yes. Have you met Oprah? I have not.

Okay. And I say that because I'm sad. I just feel like, I think it's time. Miss Winfrey and I connect. I want to go to her beautiful home and, you know, pick, you know, food from her garden and make it and sit down and maybe have a glass of wine or something. Or maybe go to her Hawaii home. Like, I have all these dreams. So hopefully they come true. I hope they come true. One of my favorite videos that came out of the pandemic, and I know the pandemic was real.

People died. But there was some tee-hee-hees to be had. the pandemic was real people died but there was some tee hee hees to be had oprah was like on her estate and stedman had gotten covid so she made a video going to visit stedman in her guest house and he like popped out from a window like it was mr rogers's neighborhood and it's like we're introducing all the characters of oprah's it made me so hard. And she's just like teetering down to see Stedman. Anyway, Oprah brings me joy. Yes. If you liked this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me,

you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, give me five stars. If you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywontyoudatemeapodcast at gmail.com, I will read it. This says, let's play ghost. Hi, Nicole. If we were together, I would suggest that we try out some role play scenarios

where we recreate scenes from our favorite movies. Since I know how much you love Ghost, we'll start there. But I think slowly shaping Clay to the Righteous Brothers is a bit overplayed. I disagree. Instead, I want you, a beautiful, confident black woman, to be the Otay Brown to my Molly Jensen you'll sit in a chair across from me without words slowly embody the the spirit of the inconquerable Patrick Swayze you'll silently guide me up from my seat graze my arms and

shoulders with your possessed hands tilt my head back and kiss me passionately fully embodying the gayest moment of the of 1990 outside Paris is burning. Then after we both experience one minute of transcendent and all-consuming desire, your depossessed body will crumble to the ground and we will pretend that neither of us made it to completion. Okay, that's nice. Thank you. Ooh, Ashley didn't like it.

Bye-bye. Bye. Thank you. Oh, Ashley didn't like it. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross.

Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. This has been a Team Coco production.