Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Sex and Love Addict (w/ Maria Bamford)

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

Ever wondered what it's like getting intimate with a clown? Deep dive as comedian Maria Bamford (Arrested Development, Big Mouth) unravels her experiences as sex and love addict, the relationship tools she's learned in her 12 step programs, and her mental illnesses. Plus, for those seeking lasting love, Maria shares the 4 behaviors to avoid divorce. Follow Nicole Byer: See Nicole on tour! Get tickets at linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? It's me, Nicole Byer. I was trying to figure out why I'm still single, but guess what?

I've done over 300 episodes and nobody knows. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and actress who you know from Arrested Development, BoJack Horseman, Lady Dynamite, and Big Mouth. Her new memoir, Sure, I'll Join Your Cult, is available now. It's Maria Bamford. Hi. Oh, shit. I listened to you and Jake Kroger discuss Why Won't You Date Me.

Oh, thank you for listening. Yes, yes. And I just know him more personally, so I was like, God, I've got to hear the real, the inside scoop. I think he got a girlfriend from doing this podcast. My gosh, how wonderful. Isn't it nice? The guests, they find love.

And me, I stay single. But that's okay. Well, it's okay. Now, I'm sure you've addressed this in so many of your episodes, but do you have any support around dating? Are you seeing a therapist or have a dating coach or anything like that? I tried a dating coach, but she didn't really understand my voice or comedy or tone. Oh, God. Because she was sending messages to people.

And then I would read the messages and be like, oh, I would never say that. So that didn't work out. But I do have a therapist. And I find her to be incredible. Like, I genuinely really like her. Well, I was talking to the producer beforehand. She said, what is Maria's advice? I was single.

I couldn't make a relationship last over 11 months. That was my record. Until I was 44. And then I got some help. I go to a billion 12-step groups, which are the cults that I talk about in the book. But some of the things that helped me was having a dating plan where I had to – you have to date until you hate them. So you go on a date, every week the same person until they don't want to or you don't want to for six weeks in a row. until they don't want to or you don't want to for six weeks in a row.

Date two people at once. You have to date more than one person because otherwise I get obsessed with one person. And that was helpful. I dated just on the internet and free. And I made my screen name something very specific. That was to my sense of humor. So cut the wheat through the chaff. My screen name was Hog Book because I like those two words together. One guy.

And that is my husband. So you met online. You met on what app? Okie Cupid, which I did it because it's free. I have paid money. I lives half the year in Dubai. But I think he's perfect. It's like a sales thing where they have to sell you on the 12 dudes that they have. So this is perfect. I also only searched within five miles of my house because I can't

travel anymore. Also, I had been through it and I'm sure you've been through many traumas and tragedies. I had just been through the psych ward facility. And I had seen people who were in that situation who could barely communicate who had spouses. And I said, Maria, fucking lower the bar. Like, I just want to love and to be loved like so i think i became more open about you know i've got a mental illness i'm not the greatest uh yeah and to be more accepting

of other people like my husband like i was just like, he was worried. He didn't want to come pick me up because he drove a Subaru, which you could see the ground moving through the floor. The floor was worn out. And I was like, do you own it? That's all I care. Do you own it outright? And also, he was down to work it out. Like a month in, I said, we got to start going to therapy because I don't know how to make things work.

And he was down and we've gone to the same therapist for now 10 years. So those are my piece of advice that are, of course, limited to my own experience. Apologies. No, I think that's really, really wonderful. I decided that I was going to be more honest on the dating apps because for a long time, I just had like a joke where it was just like, I got a fat ass and I'm very flexible, which is true, but that's not going to attract someone who like wants to date seriously. So I changed it at the end. It says I would like to be someone's

favorite person. Wait, is that what it says? It says something. Hold on. Let me find it real quick. Yeah. So jokes aside, I'd like to be important to someone slash their favorite person. Sounds corny, but also nice because that's what I would like. I would like for someone to make me really important in their life. And I would like for someone to make me really important in their life. And I would like them to be so happy every time they see me. And it's something I've had before, but not for an extended amount of time. What's your longest relationship? A year.

Okay. And this is something I ask myself because I talked about my act for years. But like, I'm single. Why am I still single? I would do one night stands, stuff like that. And one thing, now, and this is just, this was for me. I went through a 12-step program called Sex and Lulletics because I had a compulsive one-night stands. In the late 90s, early aughts, good times, freeway entrance, front motels, red roof in, the door doesn't lock, everybody in. And I realized there was some part of my energy, like I was putting out this energy all the time, I'm single, I'm single, I'm single, where I'm kind of pushing people away because I really don't want it. Because once somebody gets to know you or gets to know me anyways, it's monstrous. It's super uncomfortable.

And anything past the gloss and the glitter, which has not existed, but somehow I had it in my head like i was like look at mama but i thought i was very fancy and like i'm boring i'm uh i'm not i'm cranky i'm not a ton of fun and also that there a reason, like I moved far away from my family because the intimacy of family relationships, it's people who love you, who get to know you are like, yeah, I get it. They're not like in love with you,

which is I think I love the fantasy element of relationships where it's like, he lives in Australia and he loves me. So that was helpful to realize in some ways I was a predator, you know, and not, you know, obviously not, hopefully not in a terrible way, it was consensual but I didn't really want a relationship on some level so that was also helpful to me to kind of go through that of like that I may be avoiding

a relationship for good reason that it's hard they are hard yeah because I just or at least it always has been in my experience. I've just, I've never been that person who's been like, and then I just knew. And then I just fell back into a bed of pillows.

And it's like he was a pillow and I was a pillow. And like my family is like that. I love my family. I love my friends. But my friends aren is like that. I love my family. I love my friends, but my friends aren't like that. I don't, I don't, I get pissed at my friends, but you don't have to see them every day.

You can just go, I'll see you in a couple of weeks. Yeah, it is. The person I was with for a year, it was interesting because like we would get mad at each other or like get into a fight. But I was like,

I was okay with it. I also have ADHD. So like I get over things easy, but also dwell on things. But like if it's just like a silly surface fight, I would like look at him and be like, I still like you. I still want to be here with you. And that was the first time I ever felt anything like that. But yeah, I mean, I don't really know how to relationship.

I did. I wasn't great in it and it's hard it's so hard to like be with someone consistently all the time and do you find it's hard with your husband or do you find it easy oh yeah I mean not I don't mean to be uh I want to say how proud I am of us. Like, yeah, like I think a month in, we started going to see a therapist because also I love a workbook. I love, you know, like...

A little bit of homework. Let's show the exercises. But yeah, some of the, like the trigger stuff, like my husband and I wrote a graphic book that's going to come out with our pantographs next year. And it's about our relationship story as told by our dogs. And on our second date, Scott told me all about his whole family history, which I talk about everything on stage. So he knew everything on stage. So he knew everything about me.

And there's a Wikipedia entry. So he dumped everything about his life on our second date. And I was like, what? Then, and I wasn't sure if I was going to go on a third date with him. But I was like, you know, he's friends with another friend of mine. He seemed like, you know, we had a good first date. And so then we went on the, do you like my dog? So it was like, we went on the third date. And it was like he was a deflated balloon.

It was like he was a different person. Like he had just needed to tell me everything. And he had a really rough, I mean, I think she would feel comfortable with me telling you that, rough upbringing. He has PTSD from a lot of violence. And he's been in therapy. And yeah, we trigger each other in different ways. Like the way I express anger, Nicole, okay? Mm-hmm. yeah, we we trigger each other in different ways. Like the way I express anger, Nicole, okay, is

passive-aggressive. I threaten suicide through tears which I always thought was chitinish. And so cute. You know, just a little coy. Maybe I'll get out of here. You'd be happier without me. I mean that is the horrible, like, I feel like, yeah.

So, and then he is more Philadelphia. He expresses his anger outright and he gets over it fast. So he may say some things that he doesn't need in the moment, but then he'll be like, oh, let's go for ice cream. Like, he's not, he's done. I had a friend who met us with her boyfriend at the time who, they were an

hour late for dinner. And I was like, what the fuck? And Scott just went out and he's just like, hey, you guys were late. You're an hour late. I'm pissed. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. But then it was like a whole relief.

Like we could all talk about it. But yeah, we have a therapist, Carol Grisham. We see her online. We've gone to the Gottmans. I don't know if you've ever heard them. No. Who's the Gottmans? The Gottmans. I don't know if you've ever heard them. No. Who's the Gottmans? The Gottmans.

It's kind of this crazy it's a philosophy based in some science of if you avoid certain behaviors, you avoid divorce. So you avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse in your relationship. So you avoid divorce. So it's you avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse in your relationship.

So you avoid criticism. Let's say your partner says, look at that sailboat. Criticism, that's a stupid sailboat. Content, you and your fucking sailboats. Defensiveness, what sailboat? Stonewalling. And then you just go,

some people do the silent treatment. Have you ever had somebody do the silent treatment on you? I have. And it makes me crazy because I love to communicate. I love talking things to death. I love beating a dead horse. So I have a friend who she's done the silent treatment over the course of our 20-year relationship a couple times.

She's done the silent treatment over the course of our 20-year relationship a couple times. And that, yeah, it's like, oh, it feels so bad. Like, it's almost, anyways, it's just interesting. Like, everybody has different ways of expressing rage. Yeah. So, and then another thing we've got for help for, we went to, because I love a free 12-step group that is on Zoom, we went to Recovering Couples Anonymous, as well as Chapter 9, which is a different kind of same concept. Some of the tools in those groups, it's just basically peer counseling, which is of course a terrible idea, but it's free.

Number one that you ask for help from other couples in the group. So you call as a couple during moments of, yeah, when you're flooding, you know, kind of intensity. If you get to a point of, you know, how did you end up breaking up with the person? It was a little mutual, but they broke up with me. It was mostly them breaking up with me. Well, okay, so I broke up with Scott three months in because we went to Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's house. And he did, okay, we were helping. I got really anxious because these were girlfriends

who had had for many years and all of them were single so they have some high high standards about you and they're they were also saying sassy things like you don't need a man you don't need a man wait they were saying this while scott was there the general attitude though you know what i'm saying like it's kind of like who is this guy kind of thing so there's a bit of that vibe going on then i don't know scott that well um but scott's all in like he's totally thinks i'm the bee's knees So at some point during the evening on Thanksgiving, which is a big holiday. Very important.

Very important. He kind of helps cleaning up, but then kind of doesn't. Like, sort of puts part of the, cleans part of the dish off and then leaves the other half uncleaned up. And I don't know, somehow or other, I was just like, like, you know when there's some sort of symbol? Yeah, you're like, what the fuck is this? He's only going to meet me halfway?

He's not going to complete anything? Yeah, and then at one point, I was washing the dishes, and he came up from behind me. And because I had lowrider pants on, his hand kind of went down a little too far. Again, I did have those low, lowrider pants on. So I don't think he realized how far his arm had gone down. I just suddenly was just like, this is not, this is untenable. I can't do it. And I said, I break with thee. And when I got home, I texted him, I break with thee. He was like, what? Then 24 hours later, he came and he said, can we please talk about it? And that's when we talked face to face.

And he said, can we please try to work it out? Now I understand he felt mad at me for something and he couldn't tell me. But can we please try to work this out? I was like, okay. Well, you asked nicely. I guess it's the least I can do. I don't know. I guess that was different than what I had done in the past, which was if anything felt at all. And I guess I'd always been like, you trust your gut. But my gut always says, go out. Yeah, run away.

Run from the pain. Run from the pain and the discomfort of telling someone, hey, that's not my favorite or I disagree. The breakup was pretty like, pretty recent, and I was, like, sad about it. Like, really, really sad. I'm still sad. But my friend Mana was like, hey, people break up and get together every day.

All of this is normal. And for whatever reason, that sentence, like, snapped me out of being, like, devastated. I was like, yeah. People break up and get together every day. It's not like there's a finite amount of people. It's not like this person was the only person I was ever going to be with. And I just like suddenly felt so much better. But yeah,

dating is dating is so it's hard. And I love that you put so much work into it. Do you feel like you gather tools? Like, I know your relationship is not perfect, but do you think that like all the work you've put in has made it a little easier? my perspective is like if I can outsource everything like I can get some more eyes on all the problems like maybe yeah maybe I'll get help like I like the idea like when we got married I was really excited about the idea of like you know in the church sometimes they have in church services they say um and is everybody gonna support this couple you know for the life of their marriage and everyone yells out you know we will or something that's along those lines i really liked i was like okay so you guys like wherever ever problems you'll help us so like i don't mind not being good at something or I like I don't mind uh getting help for something uh like that's been a positive situation for me like to ask around but I also think relationships do have a life of their own like there's they're an RCA recovering couplecovering Couples Anonymous, there's a three-legged stool.

There's you, your partner, and then there's the relationship. And I like that idea of it's this creative project that we have together that has its own life. That was kind of beautiful to think about. And I totally agree. Before I, I mean, I've had so many people break up with me. Oh, my Lord. The last one before I met Scott was like, it was somebody who was supposed to be the one. He was like somebody who my mom would love. I'm not Jewish, but my mom loves Jewish religion. And she was just like, he's Jewish. You got to marry him.

He's Jewish. And he's from Minnesota. And he was a comedy writer. And he was just like, he was stable, you know, like had a lot of things. And yeah, he was kind of fancy. And so too, yeah, he was first all all in which is kind of a bad sign if in the first week someone's saying i love you that's yeah that's like a little a little wild first weekend i usually it takes me like i don't know at least like a month to even save their phone number in my phone because once it's saved i, I'm like, I think I like you.

I've made that choice. Yeah. Yeah, this guy, he, yeah, I think two months in, yeah, he just said, and he did it in a very, it was a very brave way. He took me home for dinner. I knew he was going to break up with me. He walked me all the way to this restaurant, had dinner, broke up with me, walked me the five blocks home, you know, to talk about it. Oh. Oh, that's.

But also. That's tough. Courageous. Courageous a bit on his part. Yes. I guess I think people do that. I don't want to just say men and generalize. I think people break up with people and then they're like, well, we should talk about this so that person can have closure.

But I don't think you need to talk about it unless that person's like, I would like closure. If they don't want it, you don't need to offer something they don't want. Yeah, no, I'm kind of fine with a text block. I'm okay. I had a man break up with me and then take me out for ice cream. And I was like, is this a tactic so I don't cry over ice cream? That was pretty wild. And then I broke up with someone right before the pandemic.

And then I was just like, yeah, hit me up when the pandemic ends. And then I guess it's done, but not really has not hit me up, but has also fully gotten married, which is delightful to see when you're just bopping around on Instagram. But also it's like, so like, I just had a really great therapy session yesterday. My therapist was like, yeah, but none of that was about you. She was like, the guy who took you out for ice cream had a reason. And that had nothing to do with you. The guy who married somebody else didn't want to marry you. And that's not about you. It's about him and what he wanted. And I was like, oh, fuck, this therapist is delightful and good. And then this current one, it's like, again, not about you. It's not about it's it's a it's two people. You might want something, but the other person obviously doesn't want the same thing you want. And that is not a like it's not a comment on you as a person and that has been a very hard thing to like wrap my little brain around well and it sucks if you're trying to make something happen like i did get a date in australia and it was just like i you know was like well you

don't want to get married or whatever he's like i love you it's just I can't and I'm just like and I love that book he's just not that into because I was like oh I don't even have to figure it out whatever it doesn't even matter he's just not on board it's okay and

yeah the writer guy that's what happened he I think he didn't like mental illness stuff, which I totally understand that. If you're not signed up for that. And that was the one thing I found about Scott. Scott had heard my material and he's like, hey, if ever you need to go to the psych ward, I'll come and shave your beard. I know they don't let you have sharp stuff. That's really sweet.

Yeah, because his mom was bipolar and she would grow a little beard anytime she was hospitalized. Because they don't let you have sharp elements. And I was like, oh, stop. I mean, that was the most romantic thing I've ever heard anyone say to me. That is honestly really sweet. And I've seen you two together. And, you know, you never know what's going on behind closed doors but like you guys seem so kind to one another and that anytime I see a couple being like so kind I'm like oh that's what I would like I would like someone to like

ask me things nicely and respect my opinion and I went, I was out with a friend and her husband and they like got into a fight over sharing something off the menu. And at one point, one of them was like, why do you talk to me like that? And they were like, well, I talk to you the way you talk to me. And I was like, oh, no, if you talk like that in front of other people, how the fuck do you talk to each other behind closed doors? It doesn't seem nice. Yeah. Well, and I know, I mean, we have had some ugly moments like where and even recently, you know, like I fucked up and I didn't take my medication for several days. Mm hmm.

Yeah. by my medication for several days. Yeah, I said something really, Scott would tease me about something and then I said, you want me to tease you? Because I don't like teasing, you know, do you want me to tease you? And I said something really awful back

because that's what I'm like. You know what I mean? And I just, hopefully both of us can constantly forgive each other. Just because it's like, I've known my friend Jackie for 30 years. And both of us have been on the road together. And I'm just a monster. I'm just a bitch.

Like, before shows, I get scared every single time. Every single show. Oh, why are you nervous? You know, now comedy is so wonderful because the internet, everyone knows what they come to see. It's not going to be monstrous. It's going to always be like, we paid you to come see this. Exactly. We chose this. We know exactly what we're getting into. We don't mind that you're talking about this we knew you would i will say that is nice because when i started out i was like the comic who was in town for the weekend and it'd be a lot of people who the minute i started talking we're like ew we hate her and

then you just have to like you know fight with them or like dig yourself out of a hole. But yeah, I will say comedy is nicer now because it's like the people came for you. Yeah, it is a dream. It's a dream. There is there's no question. I try to avoid any. I don't do benefits anymore because because it can be that situation where. Sure can. Sure can. And it hurts worse when a rich person hates you right it's like they're sitting on their billions and they're so

uncomfortable and i'm like because i've yeah i did a schizophrenia research benefit i was like i was like i see you because the guy hired hired me, big fan. He's got schizophrenia. Oh my God, me too. I mean, I don't, but I love it. Then, of course, the comic brings me up, says, is everybody ready to have a good time in Napa Valley? I am not a good time, Nicole. I am an assignment from a therapist. I am someone other comedians come to say, huh. And I can sell it to Portland on a Tuesday and not a good time.

And then I bombed. Then I bombed for about 30 minutes and then I brought up what was always appropriate for every event and that is Howie Mandel. Yup. Yup. A real palate cleanser. A family favorite. Everybody's happy to see him. That's very fun. What an interesting bill. Real quick, we do have to take a break. we're back how did you get into comedy maria i know you started when you were 19 just you know it shows in um in college and liking doing speeches because i always did speech i was

always running for office throughout school so i could do a speech. And the funny speech, of course, wins. Yes. Then, of course, I would just be a brain-dead megaphone, you know, a benevolent dick-deater my entire run of office. Like, I wouldn't actually do anything. I'd just wait for the next speech. But, yeah, and then I did improv, did sketch, did plays and stuff like that. But my favorite was doing stand-up because I could say whatever I wanted and play all the parts. And you are pretty open about being bipolar and having OCD.

When people see you, do you do meet and greets anymore? And do people lay their shit on you? Not to shit on anyone who's listening right now who like loves you and maybe has like said something about their struggles, but sometimes I don't really do meet and greets anymore. Cause I give them a lot on stage. And then afterwards, sometimes people would like cry or be like,

you inspired me to do the, and it just got to be a little too much. And then you do another show. I'll do it. What I'll do is I'll wait 20 minutes and wait for the real, you know, only the diehards. Like the people who wait at the stage door, you know, like for, you know, and go, OK, you five people who waited a half hour for the show. Let's chit chat, you know like for you know and go okay you five people who waited a half hour after the show let's chit chat you know because i i love meeting people but yes sometimes it i think yeah i don't go in out between shows for sure and uh but i go after the second show

usually um but i i don't sell merch. I didn't used to do that, but then that got a little uncomfortable where I felt like it's like because I talk about suicide and then like, can I run your card again? And, you know, like, you know, text 9-8 and your card. Can I have your card again? You know? Yeah, I feel you on that it like I also sold merch for a minute and then it I also felt like selling I was like okay if I'm selling you this t-shirt that I paid two dollars for for ten dollars then I should give you like an experience and we should have a full conversation and then I'd be like oh my god I am like so

drained from like doing an hour of material and then an hour of more material but it's interactive because I have to talk to everybody and then go do another hour of stand-up and I was like I can't yeah I don't know how some people do it and you're like you're a superstar like that you know like you can't be doing that you got too you got too much going on i'm i'm um yeah i'm low energy on stage and also i am yeah people also my fans are medicated are amazed that they're you you know, they're calling someone before and after the show to say that they made it. So I think that's it's a very specific crowd. Yeah, that's what I love the most about stand up is everyone's crowds are so specific. Yeah. Like my crowds are fat black women who look like me or gay men or women with a boyfriend who's never heard of me one time,

but like the show and wants to tell me after that I should keep going. I can't tell you how many nice straight men have been like, whoa, didn't know a thing about you. Never thought about you one day in my life. I probably won't think about you after this, but you were really funny and I think you should do more shows.

It's the worst. Do not bring spouses or friends to try to convince them of your comedy tastes no come along bring a friend who's into it yeah or meet a new friend at the show yes that's always fun uh i did one show where i was doing a little bit of crowd work and this man was answering on behalf of a couple. And I was like, we like best friends. We need a spokesperson. And they were like, we just met him. And I was like, now are you best friends? Like, we probably will keep in touch. It was like it was a very fun little moment. I'm sure that totally happens all the time. I mean, I know I've heard that, that, uh yeah sometimes people meet through comedy friendship so um

well excellent i sometimes forget to take my medication and i am also a nightmare um i have adhd and boy oh boy when i don't like i was flying home from sonoma with a new friend and an old friend. And we had to take like an hour long ride. And I said to my new friend, I'm truly, I don't know if I'll ever fucking grow up. I think I'm just going to be a child for the rest of my life. I looked her dead in the eyes and I was like, I really like you. And I would like to make you an actual friend. And she went, oh, and then I burst into tears because I can, I have a really hard time emotionally regulating even with my medication.

But like, if I don't take it, it's, I get angrier than you think a person should get over something. I get sadder over something a person should get like, and I get more excited than a person should get over things. And she was just like, yes, I would like to be your friend. Also my friendship file on you is pretty wild. I think i mentioned this on a different episode but i just like it's it is wild being medicated because you just have to remember to take it and with adhd i'm so forgetful and i'm like so you mean to tell me i have to remember to take this every day

in order to remember to do things throughout the day seems flawed it's crazy to me because like with i mean i assume with all your work and like you do a ton of acting as well as your gorgeous show nailed it and i think you must have to memorize stuff all the time like you're such an insanely good actor to remember stuff like that. I can't remember things to see in my life. I feel like you remembered things. I did one episode of Lady Dynamite and I thought you were fabulous. Well, that was a real stretch for me, that show.

And I was grateful that it was canceled because I don't think I would have made it through third season. I was just being propped up by a sawhore sinner. I will say, bravo to you for saying this is my boundary. I don't think I can do more scripted in this capacity. do more scripted in this capacity because I do feel like a lot of people push themselves past what they can do and push themselves past what should be a boundary and that's something I'm learning I'm learning about boundaries and understanding that boundaries are about me and not other people it's like what can I do this this but not this so i have to respectfully bow out and boy oh boy it's been fucking hard well and the machine i feel like once the showbiz machine or whatever the work machine is for you like sometimes everyone's like i remember on my own show where i was an executive producer

and the show was about mental illness and how if I don't take care of myself, I will go mental. I had to every day ask the producers, you guys, I got it. You have a 12-hour turnaround, which is 12 hours between you leaving and coming back to the set. And almost every day they would cite me on it and say, Maria, we really were running behind. We can pay you penalties, please. And I totally understand where they're coming from as well. to fight against that because it also feels like everyone else like as i was being uh as i was leaving the you know to go home from my 12 hours nap um the teamster who is 75 would be like i you know i live in you know wherever uh i live in covina and i only get four hours of sleep a night and i'm back here driving a truck. Michael's like, yeah, I know. I know I'm a hothouse flower.

I apologize because everybody else is working so hard. But also it's like, is that safe for you, sir? Also, you drive a truck and then you take a nap. Not to say Teamsters aren't hard workers, but there's a lot of downtime. So, yeah. But also it's like, we'll pay you penalties. We'll give you money. It's like, that's all well and good.

And thank you so much. But like money doesn't help my mental state. Money doesn't help my brain. It doesn't help my body. Yeah. And that you can. Yeah. I mean, I've definitely heard of other yeah go on mental

onset because all of a sudden your whole body's dysregulated or yeah and there is sort of some mutual shaming about it all of like because it is the dream it's the dream and then the dream, and then the dream, it turns out, yeah, like I just, had I known what the dream, I'm sure, would feel like. Would change the dream slightly. The new dream is to do, just do a guest spot every once in a while. That's nice, on a TV show, a guest spot every once in a while. That's nice. On a TV show. A guest spot. I think that's a nice dream. Pop in for a day. Be very funny.

Go home and get several days of sleep. Maybe. Yeah. There's a clown theater that just opened up near my house in Altadena. I just did an open mic there last night. And I love, I love an open mic.

That's my favorite. I love that you love an open mic. Speaking of clowns, you dated a clown from New Zealand that you met at a comedy festival? Met at a comedy festival. He is now married and has, I think, pricklets. Oh, wow. Or I Googled them. Yeah.

At the turn, he said he was overwhelmed by my body, which if you've seen my body, Nicole, it's like a two-by-four. I'm not sure what's so overwhelming about it. I think it's a nice body. Listen. It's not there aren't dangerous curves ahead let's just say that

you're like this road is straight it's narrow but yeah for whatever reason yeah he just wasn't on board and

but I totally like I had that feeling of falling in love with this person. Like, I just was like, head over heels, just like dream, you know, look into his eyeballs going, oh my God, I can see the ocean. You know, like that kind of feeling, um, and felt so like intimately, physically, uh, like perfect, you know, for me, not for him at all you know so um you know with with my snuggle buggy bunny snuggle bunny scott marvin cassidy like i don't know if i

was his perfect ideal lady or um your i mean i he handsome as the bee's knees and he's you know super cute has nice bun cakes i don't know if we were each other's types but we you know definitely attracted but it wasn't that feeling of oh my god i'm lost in a cloud of people. Yeah. So that I think was different for me too, is just to be with somebody who was like, the main thing we have in common is both of us are like, let's do this. Yeah. And that's what I would like. I would like to meet someone who's like, okay, Nicole, let's do this. I've dated people where I'm like, okay, let's do this.'ve dated people where I'm like okay let's do this and they're like actually we can do something but I will not commit to you um and we will not be we will not have a title but like I'll come over every day and you know be romantic and I'm like

you know what okay and then you know you get to a point where you're like this isn't nice this doesn't feel good I don't know dating is so vulnerable and then also has nothing to do with you a lot of the time and that's hard because I'm the main character in my story well it's hard to say no to a little bit of it like when when somebody goes, oh, but I can do this part. Like the guy in Australia can say, I love you. And I'll come visit you in Los Angeles. And I'm like, anyways, you know,

and I had all the feels were there, like all the attraction. And I was like, oh, that's something. And then, yeah, but then the actual thing of having someone there every day which is yeah which was my dream wasn't there at all whereas

Scott much like my friend Jack Cation ever heard her act about her husband it's like he thing is he likes action figures he's around the house he's gotta stay he's gotta dust him he's gotta he's gotta figures. He's around the house. He's got to stay. He's got to dust them. He's got a case.

He's got to take them out, look at them, play with them. Yeah, and my husband, he is a painter. He loves being at home. He loves our doggies. He loves, there's certain things like I don't know about where he loves our doggies he loves there's certain things like I don't know about like he loves music in a way that's almost religious where I'm like

oh yeah I just like top 40 like whatever's played three times for me I go love it love it but he loves I don't know if you've ever heard of noise music. Is that like heavy metal like that?

It's like turning on a vacuum cleaner. It's like putting plastic spoons in a coffee grinder and just like seeing what happens while speaking German. It's like, it's sound experiences. We went to go see a concert once and the band said we didn't practice. And I'm not

sure if that I would have been able to tell. I should have. They didn't need to tell me that. I love that. The things I like, I like a lot because again I feel a lot and I really want to date somebody who also likes things with an intensity and they're like I need you to come see these people grind some spoons and I'm like not my thing but I will do

this because you seem so excited about it and I can figure out something I like in it. I'm not going to hate anything you love. That's insane. Yeah. No. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Yeah.

And Scott's like, I can love. I love self-help, 12-step, all that stuff. And I love somebody. I like stand-up. And I love. So he's down to see what it's about. He grew up as a Jehovah's Witness. So he's kind of like, he gets a little sick when he hears the word God, which I totally understand.

But yeah, he understands why I love it. And like he made me a puffy paint t-shirt that had my, of my favorite bands which is journey on the front and then all the symbols for our recovering couples anonymous meeting on the back with the enemies which is very obscure and it's obscure but it's really romantic and it's really nice when someone can like remember something you love and then make you something from their heart. Or like, you know, buy something that like, you know, pertains to that. It just it feels nice in a way where it's like, oh, you think of me even when I'm not there. Yes. Oh, my gosh.

Yes. I mean, that sort of thing, which is to feel needed, like to feel needed and, and not totally in a codependent way, but also he makes money as a painter, but I'm also the primary earner. And, and that was, it's like a lot of my girlfriends, like, you know what, if he doesn't bring in the bake, you know, and I was like, yeah, yeah, I don't really give a shit. And there's been points in my life where I made far below the poverty line, but was enjoying myself. I was having a great time. So as long as somebody's having a good time and can enjoy. I like eating from liquor stores.

I don't mind cheap stuff. A gas station dinner is fine by you. Right? I mean, the tuna nougat inside of a tuna fish sandwich. They preserve that shit. It's good. That's very funny. So are you close with your family or no, not at all?

I am. My sister, my parents had both passed. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. My mom passed four years ago. My dad died just this past year. So I'm very close with them. And then my sister and I are the ones who are left.

So we call each other every day. And she has four kids. So I have a nibbling, two nephews, and a niece. I like nibbling. Nibbling's really cute. Nibbling. My nibbling Charlie. And everybody's graduated.

Everybody's out of the house. And then I have some cousins that I don't know very well. But, yeah, I don't have a ton of family. My husband has tons of family. They had a rough childhood, though. So it's a little – Everyone's a little disjointed. Well, everybody gets together, which is amazing.

Like, I'm always, like – I'm always really happy for them that it's amazing that everyone's still pin connecting and what happens, like everything's giving, everybody talks. They kind of talk through the terrible things that happened. Everyone tells the same stories of the terrible, terrible things that happened. And then we wait another year and then we it's like it's like a it's like a tradition or so a fun tradition go through the trauma maybe eat a dinner see you next year that's not a terrible tradition and it's not all it's because it's kind of like recognizing

what happened and also celebrating that everybody's made it like everybody uh nobody's dead or in prison like everybody's somehow fucking made it you know which is uh unbelievable okay we have to take one more break I have a question what made you want to talk about mental illness like what made you feel like you didn't have because I feel like a lot of people feel like they need to hide it or they think it's a weakness or something but I know me personally I was like I don't know if I get lost in a set I'll just tell you it's because I have ADHD and I my brain is jumbled otherwise I was like I don't know if I get lost in a set I'll just tell you it's because I have ADHD and I my brain is jumbled otherwise I'm like then I'm like covering being like oh no that wasn't a mistake it's like no no it was I fucked up I fucked up that joke because my brain is a little jumbly

right now but yeah what made you want to talk about it I think it was all I had to talk about was what was going on you know and then also like my parent my mom was a family therapist so uh she became one after we graduated and um yeah I got a therapy since I was like 10 years old so I I was pretty comfortable with it but that and then I how ashamed I was once I got past that I was like oh oh my god I should just talk about it because I just feel like it helped me so much when people came out of the woodwork and were like oh yeah I'm on leucine like people I've known my whole life who were and i'm like what yeah i saw dragons i saw dragons when i was like 19 and it's like i couldn't stop seeing dragons

and i see a dragon here and there but um yeah i'm on leucine like like it's funny who comes out of the so i I just wanted to be that for somebody else. Especially, I think the intrusive stuff from the OCD had really... I was really ashamed of that. And that I was really ashamed of going on mood stabilizers and being hospitalized. That felt really bad. Even though it's been a part of the zeitgeist. So many people have been...

That's been a part of the zeitgeist like so many people have been that's been i think john for winters just talked about it in the 50s when he went in and out of the hospital so i know patty duke patty duke yeah the people a lot of people yeah and it's i very much so like i started doing therapy because I had a friend who was like, hey, I don't think you're OK all the time. I know a therapist. I have a name. All you have to do is call. And I was like, hmm, I am not OK. A lot of the time I do feel like I'm crazy because ADHD literally jumbles your brain in a way where you'll put keys down, look away, and then not know where your keys are, even though they're definitely in front of you. And I would be like, I would find them an hour later and be like, I'm insane. I'm a crazy person. I don't know why I can't remember where I put these fucking keys. So then I called and started going to therapy. And I was like, oh,

this feels so much easier to go through life. Cause now I don't lose my keys because my keys weigh five pounds. There are so many key chains on them. If I knock them over, I will hear them. If they're not in my purse, I know they're not there. I, they're so big that if they're somewhere in my house,

I will see them. So it's like, I learned a bunch of tools to like help me deal and not change. Cause I can't change who I am. It is what it is. The brain is, the brain is what the brain's going to be. But I can't change who I am it is what it is the brain is the brain is what the brain's gonna be but I just learned how to deal with it and I don't understand when people stigmatize it or like they're like I don't need that and I'm like I don't know I think it

benefits everyone to talk to someone who's not involved in their life I know sometimes people could have a negative therapy experience so and so it's just like yeah it's just like shopping you just gotta find find the person who seems the least harmful um yeah but i agree not every shirt's gonna fit so you go find the shirt that fits so you have to like find the therapist and it does suck that like it can't be a one and done thing yeah but you know but then yeah sometimes you find somebody new like I just started going to this new guy because I got a bee in my bonnet and I was like so I was so I'm so tired of that the process where I get really nervous before shows and get cranky and miserable I just want to stop it. I just want that to stop.

And anyway, this guy does this, they talk about it in OCD. It's called acceptance commitment therapy. So I'm trying to, I don't know, light my brain on fire in some new way. But also, I just want to, just in case people, if you do try something, like I know I went to an online care that's very much advertised in podcasts. I don't want to say which one it is. But the therapist through there who, and I think this is a product of everyone being disconnected. She texted me, Christine, of course you're stressed.

You just had a baby. And I had to explain to her, this is your client, Marie Hab, who is bearing, who is bearing just an half-chakran due to a loss of her cervix.

Yeah, people make mistakes. chagrin due to a loss of her cervix. Yeah. People make mistakes. So yeah. People do make mistakes. Keep your expectations low for any kind of healthcare and then you'll be surprised hopefully. I mean, I think that's great advice. Maria, we have come to the end. I do ask all my guests this. Would you date me?

Of course I would. You're so fun. And I feel like you would, yeah, you would be passionate. What would you want to do on class where we could like talk but also like paint or or even like one where you like throw it on the wheel so we can like actually make something um yeah I think I would want to do something creative where we use our hands that would be perfect and then and also it would be talking without eye contact which is my favorite oh look at me i figured it out i do think first dates and activity is the easiest like sitting across the table from someone and being like i have a sister uh no parents uh i have aunts and uncles uh and it's just like okay well we're, we're, oh, the, the, finally the waiter's here. Can I have someone?

Anyway, I guess I'm sad about my parents. Like, it's just so, you can't get away. No, and it's fun. I like doing something too, because then you can, you have something to talk about too. Like whatever the weird thing is. We, my husband and I went to go do pottery last time. Potter was cleaning up. They just kept telling us how we were going to get it so messy.

And so we had to clean it up properly. No, that's not fun. I don't like that. We didn't go back. They didn't get a second visit from us. Maria, do you have anything that you want to promote?

Yes, I have a book coming out. It's called Sure, I'll Join Your Cult. It is a comedy memoir. It will probably end up being a little library near you, dusty and dirty about 12 months from now. But what if you wanted it fresh? You got to get it fresh. Don't wait till it's in the library. Go to a Borders or Barnes and Noble. I don't know if Borders is still a thing. No, go to, and also go to your local bookstore that's

owned by one lady. Ooh, yes, go to an independent bookstore. Independent bookstore. That's the kind I like. There's Romans in Pasadena that's in my neighborhood. I also like read books, Eagle Rock, ordered from them. That's nice. Maybe I'll start going to libraries again. I had one of the nicest days of my life in

a Barnes and Noble where I picked up four books I thought were interesting and I read a little bit of each one and was like waiting for my computer to get like fixed at the Apple store. And I was like, wow, that was nice. I should do that more often, maybe at a library. And I've just never done it. This has inspired me should do that more often maybe at a library and I've just never done it this has inspired me maybe I will there's a library very close to me maybe I will yeah oh my god the library's wonderful and uh yeah I I love I love those yeah I love books I love books me too okay Maria this is the And listeners, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe or whatever.

Give me five stars. I don't know. If you write me a nasty come on to whywontyoudatemeepodcasts at gmail.com, I will read it. And we're running low. Actually, we're not running low, but send them anyway. This nice person said, let's see the chowder i would take you to the hospital so they could put a camera up your pussy and we could look at

what's left of that clam chowder i would then go to the doctor to print it out so we can show our friends and tell them it's a baby little backstory somebody wrote me something saying that they wanted to flip me upside down and fill me with clam chowder which i thought was the grossest thing a human could ask somebody to do uh so this person did a little follow up to that. Okay, bye bye. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole?

Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.