Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Sex Goals (w/ Akeem Woods)

Episode Date: August 9, 2024

Comedian and "ho-fessional" Akeem Woods joins Nicole to share his crazy sexcapades. He tells the story about his first Pride parade where he hooked up with a dozen guys in a single day, his experiences having sex with pornstars, accidentally attending an orgy, and having sex with a stranger in a Staples bathroom. He looks back on the time he was still in the closet and made a MySpace account for his fake girlfriend. Nicole gets fisted. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to a new episode of Why Won't You Day Me, a podcast where me Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was single for so long, even though you could drive me to Fresno, leave me there, drive back to my house, and then I took the bus home and then I walk in the door and then you go, ah man, you fucking came back.

I would date you. Okay. I walk in the door and then you go, aw man, you fucking came back. I would date you. Okay, my guest today is a very funny comedian that's been featured on The Late Late Show and Pause with Sam Jay. And you can see him now touring the country. It's Akeem Awad! Yay! Boop boop boop boop, Akeem, how are you?

I'm great, I love that I just saw your cute little cat running around. Oh, wow. Wow. Okay. It's not a cat. It's a dog. Oh, it's a dog?

Well, I can't tell. Either way, go to the dog. Wow. He or she is adorable. It's fine. Animals are animals, and I don't actually care. His name is Clyde. He's a very, very nice sweetie,

but he does sometimes bite people. Akeem, do you have an animal? I wish, but I travel too much and I live in a little studio, so no dogs. I get it. My dream is to date a man who has a pet. Oh, see, that's nice, because it's like a built-in pet.

You're like, this pet is already nice, hopefully potty trained. That's the plan. Oh my God, I just noticed your shirt, you heart eggplant. Oh yeah. Which means, are you a vegan? Just kidding, it means you like dick.

I know what it means. I had an old lady ask me that before, and I didn't have the heart to tell her because we were in the South, I grew up in Florida, and she was like, you really like, you like vegetables, and I'm like, girl, I tell her because we were in the South, I grew up in Florida. And she was like, you really like, you like vegetables?

I'm like, girl, I do. And I just walked off. I like a vegetable that is attached to a human. Yes. Okay, so Akeem, tell me, are you single? Are you dating? Do you not want to share? Are you married?

Tell me. I am single. I'm fucking a few dudes, but none of them live in New York. Oh, my God. A transcontinental fucking spree. So wait, OK, how many states are these people in? OK, so there's one in Vegas. There's one in Denver.

The Denver one is the one I like the most. There's one in Pennsylvania. There's one in New Mexico, and there's one in Seattle. Oh my God, you got all the stops. That's wild. Oh my God, that song is about you. I got hoes, I got hoes in different area codes, area codes. I know people are thinking of the straight man was that, but no, gay dudes are those too.

Gay dudes are, well, I mean, Well, yeah. Not to be rude, but yeah. Most of my gay friends are hoeing it up, especially in the summer and I love it. Yeah, but I will say I would date one of them if we live in the same city, but I'm not moving to the city and then I move to mine. Fair.

So you're gonna keep your hoe and door open. My favorite meme I saw about Pride was like, my mom called me to be like, how's the parade? I'm not going to the gay Pride parade. I am getting barebacked in an empty warehouse. And I was like, that is the pride that I know from my friends now. My first New York Pride, I did too much

to the fact that I took like two weeks off sex. So my first New York Pride, I was staying at a hotel because it was before I moved here. I was staying at a hotel and my hotel was in route of the parade. So I was like, dudes was coming and go like I literally I think I hooked up with 12 or 15 guys that day. That day?

Yeah. 12 or 15 guys that fucking day? There were a few group settings. Oh, okay. People would just come, no point of telling it, but people would just like on the way, like would go up to my hotel, we'd hook up, and then they'd go back to the parade.

Join the parade route. That is so fucking funny. Also, okay, I think it's wild that you can cum 12 times. Yeah, yeah, I was dehydrated. It was crazy. I got tested immediately. Yeah, I mean, sure, I get that.

12 people one day, it's the sequel to Two Girls, One Cup. But 12 people one day, that is fucking, that's wild to me. I think the most I've ever done in a day is three, or maybe two, I don't remember. But like, I don't know, like that is so wild. Like one of my best friends, we went on a vacation recently and he was slutting it up and he was giving me the numbers and I was like, when?

We have been together for most of this vacation. When, when, I know we have different hotel rooms, but when? That's the thing about gay dudes, if not anything, we are efficient. Yes. We show up, we come, we go, we don't, I like, I had this dude, his name is Liam.

You put his name is Liam. You put his name out there? It's fine, he's this really hot doctor. He sucked my dick six times before I knew his name. Okay. So the seventh time, I'm like, yo, what's your name? He's like, it's Liam, I'm like, oh. Did he know your name?

No, of course not, we didn't know each other's name, no. This is funny to me. He's extremely odd. Well, I love that you're just like, I don't fucking need to know your name. I just need to know that your mouth is a fucking Hoover. But then but then I saw one of his tattoos. I'm an anime nerd and I saw one of his tattoos with the anime character I like. So then we started chatting and then I got his name like, oh, this guy's really cool.

That was after the six times. Y'all are fucking before you're like, is this person cool? Yeah. What was the anime? I'm a huge One Piece fan. So it was like a one. He had like a one piece thing. Yeah, I say. I say I don't know anything about One Piece. I don't I don't know about anime.

I dated someone who was into it and I tried my hardest. There's a lot of anime to consume. And I said I don't have the time. I would never force it on anybody, but if you like it, great. You know what I actually really do like? I love Sailor Moon. I feel like I've said it on this podcast before.

Unpopular opinion, the Americanized version is superior. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love that Luna is English and I love that we learn a lesson at the end. I used to watch Sailor Moon as a kid, which is why I knew I was gay. I watched Sailor Moon and I was like, oh my God, I wish Tuxedo Mask would come save me.

Oh my God, I want Tuxedo Mask to save me and call me a meatball head. I fucking love Tuxedo Mask. Darian, was that his name in real life? I felt like now that I rewatched it as Nadella, she didn't really do a lot. Listen, I think that's just men in life. They're not really doing that much.

That's fair, but as an adult, I'm like, he wasn't really helping these bitches. No, he really wasn't. He would come in at the last moment and be like, hey, good job, ladies. And it's like, they don't need that. He would like throw obscure rose. A rose. For some reason.

Ah! Ha ha ha ha. Which denies like he probably was gay. He would like throw obscure rose for some reason. A rose. Ah! Ah ha ha ha. Which denies like he probably was gay. I mean, probably, maybe. Tuxedo mask, that's pretty gay, pretty gay coded. Yeah. So I just, back to like not knowing people's names

and stuff, so I once was trying to like hook, I've tried to hook up like a man for such a long, cause like in my ho-in days where I was like, maybe I want a relationship, I don't know, I just wanna get it in. I remember this like one conversation I had on Tinder where I was like, hey, I am done with work at this time, I was touring and I was like,

I will be in my hotel room, you in. And then he was like, wait, you don't wanna like meet at a bar or like da-da-da-da. And I was like, no, no, I sure don't. And then he thought that was a turn off and then we didn't hook up and I was like, and then it happened twice in a row. I was like, whoo.

So you found the only straight, you found the lamest straight guys on the planet? Yes, yes, they were like, I want to get to know you first. And I'm like, I don't want that. And here's what blows my mind about that concept. Why do you want to get to know me, bitch, in a different state?

Yes. I'm not coming back to fucking Appleton, Wisconsin. Oh, I'll never go back to Appleton, Wisconsin. Have you been to Appleton, Wisconsin? I did. I looked up, the second hottest guy I looked up with was in Appleton, Wisconsin. Of course he was. I fucking hate it there. You know it's a sun downtown, right?

Of course. The vibes there are off. I fucking hate that place. I'll never fucking go back. Oh, I didn't like it there either. I headlined the club out there for Pride. They booked me for some Pride show and they never booked me since Surprise. I'll never fucking go back. Oh, I didn't like it there either. I headlined the club out there for Pride. They booked me for some Pride show

and they never booked me since Surprise. Yeah. But yeah, that's the thing about Midwest is like there's really hot closeted gay dudes there and I don't think they know that they're hot because they're in the closet. So like the hottest dude I ever had sex with was one, Wisconsin was number two

and then Gainesville, Florida was number one. Oh, I love that, okay, the memory you have about hooking up with people is absolutely astounding. Yeah. I have a whole document, I have a whole word document about people I've hooked up with, so I don't forget, and I will revisit it sometimes. But yeah, I love that you're remembering locations, you're like, you know,

the rankings of the people per location. I used to keep a list. I remember one time I kept a list of all the things I hooked up with. I was trying to keep it for a year and then I got to like 32 and I was like, this is a lot. And then I stopped keeping track. 32 is not that bad. That's not even one a week. I know, but it was like February.

Ah! I love how slutty you are. This is iconic, diva, come on! I am taking a sex break in August, though. I'm gonna take a month off for sex. Why, cause it's hot? No, cause a bunch of people don't think I can do it, so I'm like, I'm gonna show y'all,

so I'm gonna take a month. A bunch of people don't think, you're like, I'm'm like, I'm gonna show y'all. So I'm gonna take a mug. A bunch of people don't think you're like, I'm gonna fucking show you. Here's the thing. You can still do it and just not tell nobody. 500%, but I'm gonna be honest to myself and just do a month. Okay.

No sex. And because all the places I'm touring that month are places I care about. Okay, fair. I'm going to Nashville. Who's in Nashville? So. I mean, I feel like a lot of cuties are in Nashville.

So do you know, do you have like a speculation of your all time number? No. You don't know your body count? I know it's over 300. Okay. But I don't know how much over it. That's not that bad.

But also I guess it depends on what you, what sex is. Like is sex half the penetration or could sex just be like sucking someone's dick? Like I guess it all depends on what you quantify sex. I think a body count is like dick sucking, penetration, dry humping. Oh then yeah, my number's out there. My number's out there.

But I've never had sex with a woman, so technically I'm still a virgin. No, you're not, fuck off, fuck that. That's why I loo-bo-ger. Technically I'm still a virgin because I've only done butt stuff in the eyes of our Lord and Savior. I'm a lady. I've never had sex with a woman, I am a virgin because I've only done butt stuff in the eyes of our Lord and savior. I'm a lady.

That's funny. I've never had sex with a woman. I am a virgin. Have you ever dated a woman though? No, so I was the type of gay who told people my girlfriend went to a different school. Like that was. You'll never meet her.

She goes across town. Because I didn't come out until I was 25 because I grew up in Florida. And so all throughout high school, I would just tell people my girlfriend went to a different school. I don't like make it up. At one point I made her a fake MySpace account.

I was the girl, I was deep in the closet. I made a fake MySpace account for my hypothetical girlfriend. And like, she would like my posts, the comment on my post. It was the whole thing. Wow, that's a lot of fucking work. I committed to be in the closet. What is like a comment that she would leave?

She'd be like, babe, that looks so good. I posted a picture, because I had abs back in the day. My abs are coming back now from back in the day, I had abs, I ran track. Okay. And I posted a shirt that was like, ah, picture. And I made my hypothetical girlfriend just do like the heart emojis.

Like. And then I like- That is sending me, that's fucking funny. I was so in the closet. I used to have straight porn on my phone, just so like if so someone would see it and be like, ah, yeah, Keem's watching straight porn.

Wow. I know. The things we do. It would never occur to me to like look at straight porn on my phone. I know. That's so funny. I haven't watched porn in a long time. What's your porn stance?

I like porn, but I have so much sex, I don't really need it. And I've hooked up with a few. That is the cockiest thing anyone has ever said to my face. I don't really need porn because I fuck so much. So like, I am the porn. I am the porn I wish to see. I be having sex in New York as a gay man isn't hard. I have hooked up with two porn stars. I'd be having sex in New York as a gay man, isn't hard.

I have hooked up with two porn stars. Okay, one porn star, the other was just a nigga with a camera. But I have hooked up with one porn star. That was really fun. Did you meet him on Grindr? How did y'all meet? We met on Instagram.

I did this thing on Logo, not Logo, but I forgot what network, anyway, it aired on their app and I got a decent amount of like gay followers from it. And one of them was him who was a porn star and he DM'd me, he was like, yo, you're so funny. And I clicked on his thing, I was like, oh, we bought.

And then we hooked up. What was that dick like? It was porn star, it was dope. It was like, oh, we bought and then we hooked up. What was that dick like? It was porn star dick, it was dope. It was like, it was crazy. That was the second- Okay, here's the thing. You know how like people say they're like, porn isn't realistic, this, that and the other,

da, da, da, da. Do he like, was it like, it was good sex, right? It was like good. Yeah, yeah, he did this flipping move. Oh. And yeah, cause I was was he was fucking me. And I knew it was a porn move because then a few weeks later, I was watching a video and I saw him flipping nothing to do to my.

Oh, shit. He flipped me. I got his move. I got that. God, that's so fucking funny. Yeah, it was. It was a lot. It was fun, though. One of my biggest regrets, sex wise, is the porn star I was talking to, a different one, the second one,

one day he invited me to come to a shoot. He was like, hey, do you wanna come to my job? And he was a bartender too, and I'm like, oh no, I don't drink. He's like, no, not that job, you idiot. Do you wanna come to the porn studio or whatever to watch the scene? And I told him no, because like, here's the thing. I don't trust myself because if I go to a porn scene

and I see all these hot dudes fucking, I'm going to end up in the video. And I'm just, I'm going to be the only one not getting paid. Like, I'm just like a dick for the love of the game. That is so funny that you were like, I can't go to a place where sex is happening because I know I will have sex and I don't want it recorded. I love that you don't have self control to be like,

maybe I just won't fuck somebody here. Maybe I just, I'll go, I'll go for the story. No, you said, I better get it in if I'm going. Yeah, I regret not going because that probably would have been a fun story. Yes, it would have been amazing. So do you date at all or are you just hooking up? Honestly, Nicole, I've never dated anybody.

You've never had a boyfriend? No, but remember I came out when I was 25, I'm 33. Okay, so we're still in the ho phase. So whatever that age is. Eight years, is that eight years? Seven years? I can't tell. I'm not doing the math. 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 50, 60. I didn't get into this business to do math.

Eight years. So do you want a boyfriend? Do you want a partner? I actually do. I just, the problem is I don't, this is, I do comedy for a living and obviously we both know comedy is very straight men. So like 90% of my friends are straight dudes. And I, since I, this is all I do. I'm only, I'm typically around straight people. And even when I tour, like when I headline by myself,

I have some gay people come out, but most of my fan base is black women, which is dope, but I can't, I'm not fucking them obviously. You're not interested. And then when I, the people I tour with, like I tour with Godfrey a lot, he doesn't have a gay fan base. So gay people are coming to see Godfrey.

So I just don't really meet, I don't. So, I just don't really meet, I don't, unfortunately, I just don't really meet gays. But what if you met a gay in New York that you were vibing with or whatever, and they were like, hey, Akeem, I really like you. I learned your name before we fucked. That was lovely.

You kind of are like it. Like I'm really feeling you. Do you, would you wanna like be in a relationship with me? What would you say? If the feelings were mutual, I would say yes. Because the thing about it is I've done mostly, I've done 80% of what I've wanted to do sexually. What is the 20% you haven't done?

Okay, so I haven't been, I've been to an orgy as a top. Okay. But I'm versatile. So I've been to an orgy as a top a few times. Super fun. Uh huh. I haven't been to one as a bottom and I feel like that would be a lot of fun. And also it feels like it'd be a lot of work and I don't know if I even have the energy

to do that. But ideally I'd want to do that. Okay. And this isn't like a kink thing, this is just a geography thing. Geographical? That's what I was trying to say. I wanna fuck dudes, I wanna go to Australia and fuck a bunch of dudes there.

Ew. Those are the two things that are my sled adventures. Why Australia? You don't like Australian men? Listen, I went to Australia and I was in a cab and I said to the cab driver, I was like, wow, this looks just like Santa Monica. And he yelled at me.

He said it was much more beautiful than Santa Monica. I didn't know what I was talking about, this, that and the other. Also, I asked where the black people were. I was told they were sent away. People kept touching my hair. The only thing I liked to eat there was chicken nuggets. And I'm sorry, if your cuisine's best is chicken fucking nuggies, I'm not coming back.

I'm not going there for the food. I'm going there for the dick. So I wanna do a gangbang with me as the bottom. And... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Also, you're more than welcome to let me know if you do do a gangbang in Australia as a bottom. That would be great.

Two, two, two, that would cross off my list. Then I could get married. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I would like to know when that gets crossed off the bucket list. So what is the 80% that you have tried? Everything you could think of, girl. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I would like to know when that gets crossed off the bucket list. So what is the 80% that you have tried? Everything you could think of, girl.

Anything you can name, I probably... Have you been shitted on? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Have you shitted on someone? I've been asked, and I said no, thank you. Okay. Do you suck on toes? Yeah, sure. Really? I can't get into the feet.

It's not I'm not into it. But if a hot guy's like, you want to suck my toes? I'm like, yeah, whatever. I just the thought of someone's foot in my face with like toes wiggling around makes me so upset. Like I just I can't get into it. And then like the thought of my dogs in somebody's mouth. Oh, no, no, no. If the dude's hot, I'd probably suck his soles,

but I will say he can't be a white dude. You know what? You don't have to explain it anymore. I get that. Yeah. Akeem, real quick, we have to take a break. What's the kinkiest thing you've done? to take a break. What's the kinkiest thing you've done?

I'm not a kinkster. I'm not that kinky either, but I've done kinky shit because dude, Joha and I, I'm just a gullible little person. I will say the funny, the craziest thing I've done. This is a story I haven't told, because there's another crazy story, but I told it already on a different podcast a story I haven't told. Cause there's another crazy story, but I told it already on a different podcast,

but I haven't told this one. I went to a accidental orgy at the remember, this is me going at the top. And okay, so the way you, we both do comedy. And you remember like when you first started out, you would like, you do like kind first started out, you would like you do like kind of like bring your shows, but you do shows. You like invite a bunch of people because you know, you know, people are going to say no.

Yes. So you just so the room seats like 50, you invite like 80 because you know, most people are going to say no. Most people aren't coming. Yeah, exactly. So there was the bottom this bottom dude that we thought. And I think he invited a bunch of dudes thinking that they weren't gonna show up. But clearly this bottom, he was like a kind of a masculine white guy.

But clearly he had a type. Because when I got there, it was just a room of niggas who looked like variations of me. That is like walking into an audition for a topic. It was exactly like that. It was like walking through, and they were like, I was like seeing like the hotter version of me.

I'm like, well, there's me if I worked out six days a week. Like, it was a bunch of weird dudes with beards. Some have abs, some of them have bigger dicks, and I'm doing great in the dick department, but some of them are doing way better. It was fun, but also I was like, this dude has a type and it's crazy. So wait, were you all just topping this one man?

Yeah. Wow. There were six of us. Wow. You know, some people are living the dream and that is like a dream from, like what a treat to be like, I would like to have six men fuck me. So I'm gonna invite 10 and see how many come.

As a six came. That's why I sort of asked, I wonder how many he invited. Right? Because I was first and he's like, oh, I have more people coming. I'm like, okay, cool. So we're looking up and then the door kept buzzing and people started coming in and I look around

and I'm like, all these niggas look like me. This is crazy. Wait, this is so wild. So did you think you were going to just hang out with this person or was he like, oh, we're having a party? No, no, no. So he told me, he's like, hey, do you want to come over and fuck, and I'm like, sure.

He sent me a bunch of pictures of his asshole and all that jazz. And then he was like, by the way, I invited a few other guys, is that cool? I'm like, yeah, whatever. But then a few turned into five other guys that all look similar to me. It is so wild to me.

That is so funny. Never in my life have I ever been like, wait, let me invite this dude over to fuck me. And then also I'm gonna line up some other dick to come fuck me. I just, the thought never occurs. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it's just so funny.

It's crazy, but I kind of see his perspective because I am, I am versed, so I get fucked. And prepping to get fucked and then someone canceling is like the worst Because now you just I fucking dooshed my asshole And you're not getting me you do steer asshole you got all prepared you got like move and lavender and whatever the fuck obligates it and Now you don't have anyone to fuck you, that makes, that happened to me before. So I imagine it's happened to him a lot.

He's like, fuck that, I'm inviting 12 people and someone's gonna show up. That is so wild. So Wei, what do you do if you have prepped, you've douched, you got your lavender going, the asshole's ready, and then there's no dick? What do you do? Usually, luckily, I'm...

When most people say they're versed, they usually just mean they're bottoms. Mm-hmm. For whatever reason, which, because I guess there's a lot of bottom shaming in the community of gay people. There is a lot of bottom shaming, which I don't think is good.

So it's not good at all, because it's like, why is... I think it's because straight people... Like, they say if you bottom, you're more gay. And it's like, yo, if you're having sex with a man, you're gay. That's pretty fucking gay. It doesn't matter if you're the one topping or the one bottoming, you're still fucking gay. Now, will I tell you that you're straight

just so you can still fuck me? Sure, why not? But in all actuality, you're gay. Honestly, iconic to bend over with your asshole open, looking back at someone and being like, yeah, daddy, you're straight. Like, whatever your think is, honey. Yeah, you're straight.

I talk about this on stage, but I looked up with this dude and after we get them fucking, like, we're literally, we're done fucking. We just got them having sex. And I was fucking him. And he asked me, he was like, hey, he's like, are you gay? And he said it like accusatory.

And I'm like, bitch, we're gay. We just had sex. What are you talking about? We collectively were gay. We are gay. But I was just like playing along. I'm like, yeah, what about you? And he was like, he's like, no, I got a girl

and I fuck women all the time. And I'm like, oh, OK, so you're bi. So yeah, you're bisexual. Yeah, and he's like, no, I'm straight. And I'm like, OK, girl, I hate to break it to you, but that was not straight sex. Like, we did not. Like, if that was straight sex, I have to call my aunt.

Cause. Ha ha ha ha. Be like, bitch, you're doing it wrong. That is so wild to me that some people can't. I've had this conversation with people, cause like I've hooked up with women, men, what like, whatever. And trans people, like I,

I mean, I've only made out with one. I won't, I haven't, whatever. Whatever. Yeah. But I was like talking to a one. I haven't, whatever, whatever. But I was talking to a friend and I was like, yeah, it just doesn't make sense to me that people just don't do what they wanna do. And if you don't want the label, you just go,

I don't really like a label, but I do what I wanna do. I think there's no shame in that. But just being like, no, I'm straight is insane to me. And then I had a friend who was like, oh, this like DL dude was messaging me and he was like, come over after I dropped my daughter off to school. And I was like, oh. But here's the thing, be on the DL,

but like, don't tell me about your family. Do you know what I mean? Definitely don't tell me about your family. I do not need to know about your meemaw and Peepa and no, no, no, no. That's wild to me. Down low men are so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so toxic. But so yeah, because I'm versed, if I can't, if I'm, if I prepare to bottom and I have like all the lavender set up and there's no tops to be found, I'll just fuck some dude.

Like I can, I'm pretty I like both equally. Like I'll have times where I'm like more into being a bottom and then I'll have times I'm more into being a top. But if I can't find one, I'll just be like, I well, someone's going to fuck. It's New York. So he's going. I'm going to come with someone today. Good night. OK, so you said you've never dated anyone you've been on a date yes I've been on a decent amount of dates, okay

And you've never like went on like another date with somebody So I spent the guy that I'm talking to in Denver. I spent like a weekend with him. He's a doctor The guy that I'm talking to in Denver, I spent like a weekend with him. He's a doctor. OK, he got that money. He's a big fan of yours, by the way. He's a big fan of yourself. Really? Yeah. I told him I was doing the show and he was like, oh, my God, I can't wait to listen.

He's like a huge fan. Oh, my God. That's so nice. Send my love. What? What's wrong with me? Just tell him I said hello. But we, I spent a weekend with him. Like I went to Denver specifically to see him. I ended up doing a bunch of shows because I'm a workaholic,

but I still spent like the, I got an Airbnb bus. We spent like the weekend together. We went to like, this was like during like Pride era. So, and that was kind of fun. We, it was actually really fun. We spent like three or four days together. We went on a hike. I couldn't finish the hike.

A hike? Yeah. Cause the altitude. No, I didn't know about it. Obviously he's white. It's tough. I mean, the whites love a hike. They say, let's get lost in the wilderness.

He loves the nature, but it was fun. So I really had fun with him. Like I go on like a few dates every now and then, but I travel too much, girl. I guess so. So do you, you said you don't have a gay fan base when you're touring, but in New York, what clubs do you do in New York?

The clubs that I do in New York, I do New York Comedy Club, West Side Comedy Club. I'm past at The Cellar, so I do it every now and then. I guess those are like, kind of like heterosexual places. All of them are very, very, very, very straight. But you don't have nobody trying to be a chuckle fucker who's like up in your business being like, oh my God, you were so funny.

I've only fucked... two fans, three fans in the city, and two of them were terrible. And one of them was really, really good, but he has a boyfriend, and it was just like his boyfriend is that, they're like open, but like, his boyfriend isn't into me, but he was, and it was just like a one night stand type thing.

I see. The one that was bad, he was a top, but he didn't know how to top. And he kind of like, just like jackhammered. Like, yeah, and he wasn't really good. And this might be too much information. I don't think he follows me anymore,

so hopefully he doesn't see this, but I have to go all the way to Brooklyn. I live in Manhattan and he lives like deep in Brooklyn. And after after we hooked up and the sex is bad, I didn't feel like taking an Uber back home and I didn't want to take the train. So I'm like, fuck it, I'm going to sleep at this dude's house. And he was like one of those dudes to like. Touches you too much while you sleep.

I'm all about cuddling and then pushing away and going to sleep. And I'm all about cuddling if the sex is good. Like if you laid it down and the sex was fire, cuddle me until it's two in the morning. But if the sex is mediocre and then you still wanna hold me, nigga, for what? So he was doing-

Okay, here's the thing. Is there a world where he didn't know that the sex was bad and was like, oh, we had a moment. This was great. I mean, yeah, maybe. Cause I wasn't, I didn't, the thing about it is he was too far, I was too deep into Brooklyn.

I didn't wanna be like the sexist trash and now I got a fucking hitchhike back to Manhattan. So I probably think I probably. So that was the other. And then the other dude. OK. We just we didn't have sexual chemistry like I was. And I think the main thing was he was a really bad kisser. And if we're just hooking up, I don't give a fuck about kissing.. And if we're just hooking up,

I don't give a fuck about kissing, but like if we're hooking up and trying to be intimate, yeah, he was a really, really bad kisser. And how do you describe a bad kisser? Because I've dated somebody who was like not a great kisser and they would like really like stick their lips out a lot, like stick their neck and their lips out. And I was like, ugh.

But he did this thing where he like bit my lip and he kept biting me and nothing and he couldn't be social cues cause nothing about him biting me. I wasn't making any noises that would justify him to continue doing that. But what kind of bite? I like for my bottom lip to be bit a little bit sometime.

I don't like anybody. I'm not a pain person. Oh, but what if it's a light bite? It was not. Oh. Yeah, it was not. So that was that guy. And then the other guy was hot, the sex was great,

but you know, he got a boot. Fair. What's the worst hookup you've ever had? This is not going to paint me in a good light. I, this was, um, okay. So here's the thing. I, I have, I have a big dick, but I didn't know I had a big dick. I thought everyone had the same size because when you go up watching porn, when you go up watching porn, everyone had big dicks on porn. Yes. And then when I started seeing and then

the first dude I hooked up with Puerto Rican dude, Michael say his name because he got wife and kids. But the first dude I ever hooked up with also had a big dick. So I just assumed that was the norm. So then one day, this was way before I came out. So this was a long time ago. I was probably 20, 21. I go to hook up with this dude and... Well, fuck it all, I'm making out.

And I take off his pants and he has a really small dick. And immediately I was like, oh no. Hmm. Wait, did you say oh no out loud? I said it out loud. But I was so new in my head. I was like, well, I'm just gonna suck it. Literally it's gonna get bigger.

Oh no. And it didn't. And I'm not proud to say this, but I faked an asthma attack I don't have asthma and I said I had to go get my inhaler and I went downstairs and I blocked him. This is on Adam for Adam Adam Adam for Adam was like the pre the pre grinder. Oh, oh, I know Adam for Adam. This is my first fucking rodeo. I've had gays in my life since middle school.

So I blocked them on Adams for Adam and then I got in my car and I drove off. Yeah. Wow. I OK. I'm the villain in that story, by the way, and you are the absolute I am the villain and that story, by the way. Anyone talking about this? You are the absolute fucking villain. I am the villain in that story. You are the villain. You thought you could pump up this dick by sucking on it.

And then when it didn't pump up, you said, oh no, I can't breathe good. And then you left. And then you blocked this person. I am the villain. I was toxic as fuck. But I was 20, 21, 22. I was very young.

That is so wild. What a dream. Like, I would be crushed. I know. I don't know how he lived the rest of his life. I mean, I would have walked right into traffic. I would have said, well, this world is not for me. I gotta get out of here.

This man said, oh, no, huffed and puffed on my dick and then left and then left. Yeah. I would pass right away. I once hooked up with a dude with an itty bitty little penis and I was told it's penis shaming when you say that. But here's the thing, if he knew how to use it

and knew what positions were good and like, I would be like, oh, okay, so you did something with it. But he showed up to the fucking hookup with no dick and then was trying to like fuck me from behind and I have a fat ass, so that just wasn't gonna work. And then he was like, I don't think this is working. And I was like, it's not, what are we gonna do? I was like, be a problem solver.

And then we like figured it out and then he fisted me What are we gonna do? I was like, be a problem solver. Like, this is a problem. And then we like figured it out. And then he fisted me. And then I was like, wow, I think I like being fisted. This is fun for me. And I mean, just like a little duck bill, like not like a full, I'm not being punched. But yeah, like figure it out.

I can't believe you left. What's another terrible thing you've done? I, oh, this is a fun story. I was in, this happened in San Francisco. I was with Godfrey, we were at the punchline. And we were at the second show. And I do my time, my half hour, whatever. Gaffrey's on stage.

Gaffrey always goes long on the second show. So I'm texting with this dude on Grindr, and he was like, hey, do you want to come over and hook up? I'm like, sure, I have way more than enough time. And in San Francisco, and he lived in, you know what kind of comedy club it is. Wait, this is during the show? Correct.

Oh my God. Oh my God. If you're listening, this man is at work. He's not on a break. I mean, technically, okay, you're on a break from work and you left the job. You left the job site and said, okay, all right. Well, because I have time because I sell merchandise after the show, but I have more than enough time. Yes.

So he, he's like, do you want to fuck and I checked he sent me his location because you know, grinding to say location. It's like a 10 minute walk. So I'm like, okay, cool. So I walked to this dude's house. We're fucking everything's going great. out of nowhere dudes like yo, my my boyfriend just came home, hide in the closet. And I'm like, bro, I'm not hiding in a closet. Like what are you talking about? So I told him, I'm like, yo, I'll just get dressed,

just tell him I'm straight. And he was like, dude, you have a Betty White T-shirt on. I'm like, okay. I'm like, this is a very fair point. Oh my God, there's like the birdcage. Just say we're straight. That's like, look around, very fair point. Oh my God, there's like the bird cage. Just say we're straight. That's like, look around, look around Albert. Okay.

So I'm trying to put my clothes on. The dude, the boyfriend just comes in without knocking rude. He lives there. So he comes in, they start fighting immediately. Like verbally, not fist fighting, like yelling at each other. I'm not a fighting gay,

so I'm just trying to put my clothes on and get the fuck out of there. And before I'm about to leave and the boyfriend's like, the boyfriend stopped, he was like, yo, yo, yo, he's like, nah. He said this verbatim, he was black. The boyfriend was Latino, but he stopped, he was, nah, nigga, you're kind of cute. We are going far. But afterwards, we gonna have a conversation. So we

ended up we ended up having like a threesome. I never came so hard, I'm like, oh my God, am I into danger? Like, it was crazy and I came immediately. And when I tell you, as soon as I came, I threw all my clothes on. Gathered your belongings, you gathered yourself and you said, I gots to get out of here. I have to go. That is wild.

That man said, you're not going anywhere until I fuck you. Wait, and then he was to his boyfriend, he's like, we're gonna have a conversation later. Yeah. That is, I, you know, I hear stories like this all the time from like other gay friends, but I'm never, my world is never not rocked.

Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not surprised that this man came home. They started fighting and he was like, wait, there's some there's another dick here. I got to have it. And then like, it's just so fucking wild. Like, it's just a life that a lot of people don't live. And they could be living this if they just lived their truth. If they were just authentically them, they could be fucking strangers, boyfriends, too.

If they were just authentically them, they could be fucking strangers boyfriends too. I will say, and this is how the story ends kind of nicely, the next day, the boyfriend hit me up our grinder and was like, hey, you wanna come back over? And we ended up hooking up, because I was in San Francisco for another week. So I was like in El Dorado for like four days. This is iconic. You are living your best fucking life. because I was in San Francisco for another week. So I was in a thrupper for like four days.

This is iconic. You are living your best fucking life. Did you make it back in time to sell your merch? Of course. Of course. Oh, diva. Of course I did. I'm a whole fessional.

I gotta make this money, girl. Oh, I love this so fucking much for you. Real quick, we have to take a break. So like I've asked you the best, I've asked you the worst. What is another, you have stories for days. So I just want to know like more memorable fuck sessions. This always impresses people cause this is like my first time I hooked up

I hooked up with this dude and never done this since. Like this is the only time I've ever done this. I hooked up with a guy and we never spoke. Like no word or exchange at all. So what happened was, Uh huh. I before I started, I've been doing comedy 14 years, but before I started doing it full time, and I grew, I started in 2010 in Orlando.

So before I was doing it full time, I was the delivery driver. Like I delivered like clothes, made to groceries and all that jazz. And I did Uber and all that stuff. So when I did that, whenever I always knew like the best bathrooms to go to, to use the bathroom, like nice bathrooms, because you know when you wanna use the bathroom, you wanna go to something nice. So the one that I found that was the best bathroom

in the area that I worked at was Staples, because no one really goes to Staples. It's normally pretty empty and you can just go. I'll also add Home Depot to the list. Home Depots have pretty good bathrooms. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And sometimes CVS is due too. But.

Yes. So I go to Staples and it's one of those three urinal situations, like those middle one. And I go to the far left. In my opinion, the middle urinal is like the gay urinal. Yes. Because you're forcing people.

That's for cruising. Yeah, exactly. And I don't like, I don't want to make someone see my dick. Like if you see my dick, it's because you want to see my dick. So I'm peeing to the far left. My dude walks in and immediately he goes to the middle. So we're peeing. He's looking at me. I look at him. He stands back so I could see the whole thing. And then he got them in. He looked at me and then he walked into the like naked walked into the stall. And then I'm like, well,

fuck this. So then I walked into the stall. And then we hooked up. And then we finished. And we watched our and we didn't speak to each other. My God. And then the icing on the cake two weeks later, because I forgot at the time, I still had a day job I worked at first watch. I was the first watch. I'm looking at first watch. It's like a breakfast. It's a breakfast place. I was a server at a breakfast place and or hostess or whatever. And fast forward two weeks later, he comes in with his girlfriend. Oh my God. And you can tell he was nervous as fuck.

I didn't I'm not a dick, so I didn't say anything. I just act like I didn't know who he was. I gave him my thing. And then we met me in the bathroom at my job. We didn't hook up, but we spoke for a second and he gave me his phone number. Oh my God. That is so hot.

Also, okay, I big fan of Queer as Folk. Did you ever watch Queer as Folk? I did. The American one? Brian Kinney used to do that all the time, just like fuck men in bathrooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, sometimes I'd watch it and be like,

I mean, that was too easy. But that is too easy that this man came to the cruising urinal and then waddled with his pants around his legs and was like, come on over, come on over, baby. I just, I. If I was a woman, I'd be dead. Like.

No. If I were a woman, I would be dead. Or you'd just be getting flued out and shit. Maybe not, I don't know. Maybe, I've always wanted to be flued out. I don't think I'm hot enough to get flued out. I wanna get flued out. And my favorite is when you see a woman getting food out,

she's got like a big fat BBL ass. She's like on the plane in her like furry slippers, her matching little sweat suit. Her lashes are just huge and done. She's got a long weave. And I'm like, I, and they always go to economy and I, they have like a Louis Vuitton suitcase that somebody else bought for them

And I'm like I want that life. I want to get flued out and I want everyone to know what I'm doing I think I my friend told me a story about how she got food out and she was fucking a ballplayer and This is how gays that he was he flew her out to Miami first class, but he told her to bring an empty suitcase. So she brought an empty suitcase. As soon as they landed, he took her shopping and filled the suitcase. I wish I was prettier. I wish I was like, like, I think I'm pretty.

Don't get me wrong. I was at Patsy's, a diner this morning. A man with whispers in between each tooth looked at me and said, you were a very beautiful young lady. I said, thank you, sir. Thank you. But he ain't flying me out nowhere. I'm not getting flued out. I want to get flued out so bad. Like I want to be like basketball player wife hot.

And I know that would take a lot of money and a lot of surgery, but like, I think you're too, I think you're too famous to get flued out now. They think I can flew myself out. Well, they can Google you, girl. If they could Google. Ah, well, here's the thing. I don't think a basketball player is like I don't. I don't think they would know who I am. I mean, no, I think they would. You've done a lot.

I think they I think they would know that you look familiar. And then once they find out your name, they'll type it in and be like, oh, I'm not flying this bitch out. But I want to get flued out so bad. I want to get fucked by a basketball player or a baseball player or like what? Okay, who do you think is the hottest sport player? I have this conversation.

By far, I think it's soccer. Who? Soccer players. I think soccer players are the hottest. I think soccer players are the hottest. I think soccer players are pretty hot. I think a lot of basketball players are hot. Like I love that height.

I love big, big, big men. And I just like, I think they'd be like big enough and strong enough to like toss me around. I love being tossed around. I don't want to fuck with any football player because of the CTE. I don't want you to like wine and dine and then like toss me out a window. Like toss me around in a bed,

don't toss me out of a window. And then it's wild to me that they haven't figured out how to like test for CTE while they're living. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I think I wouldn't wanna fuck a hockey, but I feel like it would be too violent. I also think it would be a little violent. And a lot of them, they get their teeth knocked out. So which might be good for you.

Oh, yeah. It might be good for me. Gum on my clit. I need to just find a closeted, a little closeted, down low bro. Even though, actually that's why I'm not gonna have it because I can't keep a secret, but. That's funny, I can't keep a secret ever. If I'm fucking someone rich and famous, everybody will fucking know about it.

But I mean, for enough money, I'll keep one of y'all little down low secrets. Oh my God, okay. So how much money would it take? It would take consistent money and it would have to be no, no less than. I'm trying to be greedy. 8K a month. Oh, yeah. I think that's pretty feasible for a lot of athletes and good deals. Does 8K a month.

I suck a dick and pretend like I don't know who you are. And we'll hook up and do all this gay shit. But the moment that 8K don't come through, bitch. You're gonna tell everybody. I'm gonna call Angela Yee immediately. I'm like, Angela Yee, let me call lip service. I'm gonna do lip service for the third time. Oh my God, that would be 8K a month.

That, how much is that a year? I can't even do that math. Uh, 96,000. It's only 96,000? Oh, yes, okay. For whatever reason, I thought I was like 80K. That's what I was thinking you were saying. But that's almost $100,000 and that's just for...

Yeah, and that's just being a secret keeper. Yeah. I keep a secret from like 96 in like, 6,000. You ever get those emails, it's like, want to get paid for walking? I feel like... Ha ha ha. Yours is like, you want to get paid for keeping a secret?

Like, that's... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, well, Akeem, thank you so much for being here. This was an absolute fucking dream. Like, you were such a goddamn treat. Um, and I'm like, low-key obsessed with you. This was an absolute fucking dream. Like you were such a goddamn treat. And I'm like low key obsessed with you. Oh wait, I didn't even ask. Okay, two things before we go.

I fucked up. Would you date me? Of course. It just has to be a non-sexual relationship. No, I will fuck you and then we'll have a conversation. No, I'm kidding. I'm a gold I'm Gold Star. Okay, also, do you have anything you wanna plug?

Yes, okay, so you can follow me on Instagram at Akeem Woods, A-K-E-E-M Woods. I would love more gay followers, straight people you can follow too, but you know. Akeem Woods is the Instagram. August 10th and 11th, I'm at Zany's in Nashville with Preacher, you can watch me. By the way, it's gonna be a clean set,

so it's not gonna be as fun as my regular sets, but go watch me do that. Oh, I'm on tour with Ida Rodriguez. We're doing Boston, we're doing New York, we're doing Connecticut. All of this is on my website, keenwoods.com, A-K-E-e-m, Woods. Honestly, if you can go, those are fun shows.

Like, Preacher Lawson is so funny, and Ida's so funny. Clean Sets are hard for me. I don't know what jokes I would do. And I'm so curious to hear your Clean Set. Ha-ha-ha, you and me both. Yeah! I know Preacher forever. How much time are you doing?

You doing like 25? Oh no, I'm doing maybe 15. Oh, okay. Maybe 15, that's so fun. He told me to do 15 to 20, and I told him, you probably getting 15. You getting 15, you get a tight 15. A tight 15.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But yeah, thank you for being here. So if you like this episode of, oh, why won't you date me? You can listen, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. If you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com,

I will read it. So this person says, dirty message, picture this, we're married, it's been a long day. I'm cleaning up after dinner and you're putting the child to bed. This is not sexy. We're exhausted from chasing him around He says, dirty message, picture this, we're married. It's been a long day. I'm cleaning up after dinner and you're putting the child to bed. This is not sexy.

We're exhausted from chasing him around all day. He's fast, like so fast. What does the boy, why does, wait, what does the boy run so, oh, why does the boy run so fast? Finally, you close the little one's bedroom door after saying, I love you and sleep tight. Our son, Sonic the Hedgehog, is finally asleep.

Okay, that's funny. We retreat to our bedroom and do unspeakable, sloppy, degrading things to each other. Parenthood is hard, but I'ma show you something harder and ram it in every one of your holes. Gushing, cumming, yelling, smashing, sucking, licking, fucking, blasting away until we both collapse in exhaustion and bliss.

Little one sleeps through the night because we soundproofed our bedroom, knowing Sonic is a child and needs no part of our nastiness. The next morning, little Sonic is happy and carefree because his parents love him and each other. That was very funny because people keep writing Sonic into the nasty bits and I'm like, guys, Sonic is a child. So I really appreciate it.

This is Sonic. Are you fucking kidding? Sonic, the goddamn hedgehog got all that. So that's what I'm like. What type of team do you guys have? No, I'm obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog and my lovely listeners who have been here since the beginning know that I love Sonic and I sometimes cry about Sonic. Also, you should watch one and two. They're very good movies. Knuckles is a great miniseries where Knuckles really learns that like the heart of a warrior is inside of all of us. And you don't have to judge the type of warrior or the war

they're going about to do. I will watch them. I watched the first one. And did you love it? I thought it was great. Yeah. OK, the second one. OK, it collapses a little bit because they created a world and they don't follow the rules, but it is really nice. And Natasha Rothwell has like more to do.

And she's so funny in it. I keep begging to be in it. All I wanna do is be a person on the street that goes, damn, that blue thing went fast. And nobody takes me seriously. That's, I just, I just want a line. That's it, to be a part of the world. Okay, Akeem, thank you so much.

That's a good line. Thank you. Now tell, tell somebody, tell somebody who could make it happen. Okay, bye-bye. Bye. Now tell somebody, tell somebody who can make it happen. Okay? Bye bye! Bye! Bye!

Bye! Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. With talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story,

or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywon'tyoudatemepodcasts at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Tee-doo-boo-pah-pah-pah-bye. This has been a Team Coco production. new episode. Bye bye.