Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Sexting (w/ Jen D'Angelo)

Episode Date: February 23, 2018

Jen D'Angelo (Workaholics, *Loosely Exactly Nicole) is on the show to discuss terrible prank shows they've filmed, why Nicole hates Christmas, and sexting. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Oh boy! Hello, I'm Nicole Byer, and this is a podcast called Why Won't You Date Me? It's about love, and relationships, and Tinder, and trying to figure out how I'm still single, even though I'll eat your butt. My guest today is such a fun person. I love her so much. She

wrote on Workaholics. She's currently writing on LA to Vegas. And she's on my show called Loosely Exactly Nicole. What a dream, Jen D'Angelo. Woohoo. I never know how to jump in. Well, I truly loved it because it was so different than what I had been doing. I was just screaming and ha-ha-ha and tee-hee-hee-ing, and you just went, woo!

Oh, I love it. All right, Jen, you're a married lady. I'm a married lady. You've been married for a year now? No, I've been married for, oh boy, math, nine months. Lucas is going to listen to this and he's going to be so upset that you had to take a great big pause. Deeply offended. Deeply.

So nine months. Yeah. That's fun. It's pretty fun. Yeah, we've been together for nine years. Dang. Yeah, which is insane. You've been married

for every month of the year you've been together? Yeah! That's never gonna happen again. You should celebrate. Oh my god, we should, actually. That's great. Oh, I guess you could celebrate every year until you hit 12 months. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We could do a 10. Because next year it'll be

10 months for 10 years. Or no, because then I'll have been married for a year and 10 months. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I'm very dumb. This is the only time you can do it. It's a huge deal. It is.

It's a great big deal. Yeah. You met him in college? Yes. Yeah. So you've completely missed online dating. Yeah, completely. It's insane.

You're so lucky. It's so, I, it's nuts. I feel like I, it makes me feel a hundred years older than everybody I know. Because it's a gigantic thing, like part of people's social lives that I just have no idea about. Yeah. Where like you have to, I'll just like be in the corner swiping on people and then be like, I guess I have a idea about. Yeah. We're like, you have to, I'll just like be in the corner swiping on people and then being like, I guess I have a date tonight. It's very awful. Here's a question in the writer's room. Has anyone ever pitched a, like a tindery thing? And you're like, I don't know.

And like stayed quiet. Cause like, I truly don't know how that works. Um, that hasn't totally happened yet. There was a weird thing. I shot a hidden camera thing that was like a pilot that didn't ever go. But as part of it, they wanted us to go on Tinder and try to convince people to come to a place. Oh, no. It was horrible. And so I told Lucas, I was like, I think I have to do it. He was like, yeah, that's fine. I guess whatever.

And so it was like kind of exciting for one day. that's fine I guess whatever and so it was like kind of exciting for one day and then I started freaking out because I was like certainly people are seeing me on here that know both of us and they're being like she's cheating on her husband Lucas Jen is openly cheating on you like flagrantly very broad social platform that's so funny yeah, how terrifying for the people who swipe yes on these actors. Yes. And then they go meet them and then like, ha ha ha, you're the joke, you fucking idiot. It was terrible. It was one of the worst things I've ever done to human beings. I felt bad. I did a hidden camera show and I fucking hated it. It's so awful. It was so mean. There was one thing where they wrapped my arms up and then they like propped them up like they were broken or something.

And then left me in Madison Square Park and they had me like take out my phone and drop it and then go, oh no. Oh no. Couldn't pick up my phone. And then like some very nice people were like, oh no, honey. Where's a friend? Do you have a friend? Let me text your friend and then when they got to that point then someone was texting on the phone i was texting like a producer

uh-huh so i'd be like yeah can you text my boyfriend dan and then they'd be like hey your girlfriend's just like in madison square park just struggling and then the producer would be like fuck her i'm breaking up with her she's a goddamn bitch and then it was just it was wild and then people just like genuinely felt really bad for me and then at one point i legit started crying because i was like this isn't fun for anybody wait was it one of those ones it's like a social experiment no it was just to be like look at these dumb entertainment oh yeah it's called lady, where we flipped the script on masculinity. I guess I shouldn't talk shit about it. It did air for a season.

Yeah. I feel like I had a Skype audition for it. Probably. Which is so funny. What is a Skype audition for a hidden camera show? It's like, hide behind that bookshelf, knock it over, and say, boo! hide behind that bookshelf, knock it over, and say boo! Yeah, if you don't trick them in some way.

That's why I didn't get the job. Yeah, you didn't know how to trick people enough. I kept pitching. I was like, what if you put me in a tree and drop me out? And I go, boo! And they were like, no, Nicole, it's not a trick. And I was like, I don't know. The other stuff we're doing isn't tricks.

Yeah, the other stuff is just lies. Yeah. And then there was once where we had to like walk around with our nails and be like, they're wet. I'm sorry. Can you grab a tampon for me? So then like men would be like, no, I don't want to do that. And in my head I was like, of course. I wouldn't do that.

No. If someone was like, oh, can you get me a tampon? My nails are wet. I'd be like, then why didn't you stay at the salon? why are you being dumb time this out better go home yeah time it out better although when i went the day before my wedding when i went to go get my nails done with my bridesmaids uh one of them pushed their pants up when they were getting the pedicure they pushed their pants up so far over their knee uh that they couldn't get it back down. And their nails, like, on their hands were wet.

So she, like, couldn't really push it down. And she had to go into the bathroom with one of the nail artists who had to, like, help her take her pants fully off and put them back on. What a dream. So, you know, sometimes. What a dream. Life just happens to you. Yes, but she was in the salon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She wasn't like out in the world. That is so funny. Nail technicians and nail salon people must see the strangest things. They must also see the worst side of people.

Oh, yeah. There was one lady, I was getting my nails done. She was like, what's your name? And the woman goes, I'm Dana. And she's like, no, no, no. Tell me your real name. And she was like what's your name and the woman goes i'm dana and she's like no no no tell me your real name and she was like my real name's dana she's like no no no where are you from vietnam china and she like kept going and at one point i very slowly like looked at her and stared at her for like a hot minute to be like stop stop. Stop doing this. And then she kept being like, I want to use my own polish. And they're like, it's fine. She's like, to use my own polish? It was very wild. And I hope I see her again. Yeah. She was a dream. Okay. I want you to look at my Tinder profile. Have you ever sw swiped through a tinder profile i mean a

little bit when i was lying about being on tinder oh my gosh this is a great pic and you have to describe it because we're on a podcast i keep just making visual references uh okay so the this is your main profile picture that's my main picture so it's you wearing a very funny shirt that's like a cartoon face. That's not a good description of it. And you're holding a gigantic dildo. Uh-huh. And I feel like you look amazing. Thank you.

Okay, so so far all I can say is the picture's great. Okay, cool. Because the thing I really like about it is that the dildo, like you're kind of standing against a brick wall, but then there's like something on the wall, like a piece of art and the dildo is in front of the piece of art. So it's almost hidden. So it takes you a second to find the dildo. Oh, what a dream. I didn't even think of that. Yeah, it's great.

Okay, so what should I do? Read through your profile? You can read through it. You can swipe through the pictures. Anything you want. Oh, I can swipe through the pictures. Oh, want. Oh, I can swipe through the pictures. Oh, on yours. Oh, whoa! This is great! Oh my god, the next one is like a

full Christmas pic. It looks so great. You're like lit up. This is great. It shows, you know, you participate in Christmas. Which is funny because in real life, I do not. Really? No Christmas at all? I told my roommate that if he wanted to decorate for Christmas, I was going to charge him 600

extra dollars. And I told him, I'm not kidding. You don't care for it at all? I hate Christmas. One, because everyone's like, tis the season to give. But I'm like, tis all seasons to give. You should give all year round. And it's cold. And then have to like see your family and i yeah some of them are not for me yeah i get that okay next picture trailer

selfie shows that you work but it's the third picture so you're not trying to brag yeah this is great i mean these are all amazing you climbing a bookshelf and a leotard But it's the third picture, so you're not trying to brag. I should hashtag it, Shetlight. Yeah. This is great. I mean, these are all amazing. You climbing a bookshelf in a leotard. Oh, my God. Are you on the set of The Voice in this one? That's what someone else said.

No, I was in Australia, and I was at Madame Tussauds. Tussauds? Tussauds. I don't know. I don't know. I was being a real silly tourist. What, like, section of the museum was this? I think it was pink.

Oh. I think pink was like they had her like in the air and then a bunch of like hearts around it. Oh, whoa. Because, yeah, you're inside a heart. But it looks like the set of The Voice or Living Single or not Living Single. And Living Colored. Oh, Singled Out. I've never seen Singled Out.

Really? That's an MTV show? Yeah. I never saw it because I did not grow up with cable. Oh, Singled Out. Oh, Singled Out. I've never seen Singled Out. Really? That's an MTV show? Yeah. I never saw it because I did not grow up with cable. Oh, my God. Cable Ray's missed out on Rugrats and anything on Nickelodeon, anything on MTV that people love. Oh, God. You should try to see if it's on YouTube. I think it was hosted by Chris Hardwick.

Oh. I think. He left at midnight to do what? What is he doing now? I don't know. I feel like he's hosting a pyramid show. Oh, he was hosting that wild show, The Wall. It's wild.

In my brain, I've never seen it, but in my brain, The Wall is hosted by Chris Hardwick, and each contestant has six chances to climb up a vertical wall with nothing in it. And they get nothing if they get to the top. Nothing, nothing at all. And then he goes, thank you for watching The Wall. I mean, I would watch that show. Me too. Just people taking running starts at a wall.

You're trying to get up there In reality The wall really felt like It was designed to make people divorce Because It was like It was Usually married couples

I think they eventually got to like Groups of friends or something But it was married couples And then like One would It was so confusing And convoluted But like

One would be in like A soundproof booth And they would be answering questions not knowing whether or not they got them right or wrong oh and if they got them right of like a ball would drop and whatever money amount it landed in you would get that money but if they got it wrong a ball would drop and whatever amount of money it landed in you would lose that money oh dang and then at the end the person that was in isolation would have to decide whether or not they were going to take the money that they had won or like a set like 25 000 or something uh-huh that sucks yeah and so their spouse would be out on

the stage being like don't choose the money like and then they would have to come out and tell each other like what happened and sometimes they would just be like super disappointed of like you just lost us like a hundred grand or something oh no it was wild that's awful yeah i bet you weren't expecting a full synopsis no all today but i'm very pleased with it yeah i mean i highly recommend checking it out the human element is just so brutal oh man that would bum me the fuck out yeah it's a huge bummer oh my gosh wait can i edit your info yes your only interest on your tinder profile is your own show it's because it's linked to facebook and my show loosely exactly to call us on facebook so i guess it's the only thing i like how embarrassing how do i make that go away i don't know but that's amazing how embarrassing i guess you have to like other facebook pages

oh i guess but what what other facebook pages would you like to like other Facebook pages. Oh, I guess. But what other Facebook pages would you like to like round out your personality for Tinder? What are you editing on my Tinder profile? I was on Facebook looking for meatloaf pages. Bacon rat meatloaf. I typed in bacon and that came up. That's very funny. But it just brought up pages for like restaurants and stuff. But here's the thing. I have several know if she'd like to be in a restaurant. I have several Facebook pages because I got off Facebook for a while and then

I was like, well, my family has Facebooks and that's how they, communicate now. So then I got a Facebook page just for my family and then

my show, Lucy, exactly, Nicole, that Jen is also on, is now on Facebook. On Facebook. So then I had to, like, reactivate, that Jen is also on, is now on Facebook. On Facebook. So then I had to, like, reactivate my old Facebook and then make, like, a comedy page

or whatever. Oh, yeah. So now I've got three Facebook pages. That's a lot. It is a lot. But I have an assistant who manages them all. Which sounds insane that I pay someone to be like, can you post things on my social media page? But I feel like everybody does that.

Like, anyone that's really in the social media has to have a person helping them, which is a crazy job. It's too much. Maybe I should get a Tinder person who helps me with Tinder. Yeah. There has to be that, right? Like, some sort of matchmaker slash just, like, Tinder advisor?

Maybe. The only matchmaker I can think of is that slash just like tinder advisor maybe the only matchmaker i can think of is that woman who was on bravo with the dark hair patty stanger yes a million dollar matchmaker yeah but i don't know if she can help me because apparently black women and asian men are at the bottom of the totem pole nobody wants us for tinder right for tinder and all dating no it's exclusively a Tinder problem. I think it's everything. No, because I think it was OkCupid too.

I think people were like, no. Which is wild because like, why? How many matches do you usually get on Tinder? Like any given?

I match with people all the time. And I think it's specifically because I have a dildo in my picture. But I find out like rather quickly who is like a nice man who's like, I would like to take you out on a date. Or like a bad man who's like, touch a bit. Let's see. Let's find something that somebody said.

Yeah, what's like what? I want the most revolting one okay and the sweetest well there was this one man who he was like i want to sit on i don't know he said he wanted me to sit on his face so then i was like only if you have cookies and then i just kept talking about cookies and he kept saying nasty things. Let me find one. Well, Serge. Serge said to me, he's 30 and he's a CEO and founder. What does that even mean?

These people have the strangest things. Yes. But he said, nice ass and lips. And that's it. And I didn't respond to him. And then Riley said, Riley said, Nicole, hey, hello. I said, Riley, what do you have planned for this week? He said, the plan is to have someone sit on my face.

I said, I could do that. He said, oh, really? I said, yep. Anybody with a butt can sit. Then he said, yep, anybody with a butt can sit. Then he said, then he got wild, he said, you'd like feeling my wet tongue push up your asshole

licking around. Whoa. And I said, I guess. Because I don't like sexting. I don't see a point in sexting someone I don't know. And then once you know someone, it's like, well, why can't you just wait till you see them?

Yeah. Unless you're like far away for a very long time. Yeah. Even then, I'm just like, watch porn? Like, what are you doing? I don't understand. Has Lucas ever sexted you? No, I truly think I don't even know

how either of us would respond if we got like a sexy message. Have you ever? Are you kidnapped? What happened? Have you ever sent him like a nude picture? No, that's another thing that I'm just like, I would just feel so silly. Yeah, I've sent someone a nude picture specifically because he was like, show me your butt. And I was like, okay, that's okay.

I can show you my butt. But then it was like not a sexy picture. I like sat on the counter and I held the phone up and took it in the mirror. And I looked at it and I was like, is this what people want from me? And I said to him, he was like, this is good. Now bend over and show me more. And I was like, you know what? I don't really want to. And he was like, fine is good. Now bend over and show me more. I was like, you know what? I don't really want to.

He was like, fine. What did he say? He was like, come on. I was like, well, Sashir's in the hotel room and it's rude for me to just be in the bathroom taking pictures. He's like, just how are you doing business? I was like, I don't know. It was a fun improviser in New York who was just like really trying to get me to show my butt.

Whoa. Yeah, men get very persistent. Ladies do too. Sometimes I do. Yeah. Have you solicited like dick pics or naked pictures? No, I have never asked anyone for a dick pic. Yeah, I mean, who would?

Oh, wait, no, that's a lie. Oh, wait, no. The guy I was seeing for a little bit, he would be like, can I send you a dick pic yeah i mean what oh wait no that's a lie oh wait no no the guy i was seeing for a little bit he would be like can i send you a dick pic and i'd be like of course you can if that's something you need to do that's fine and i think early in my adolescence youth i don't know my early 20s i'd be like send me a dick pic because i was like i think that's what you want me to ask uh-huh but then literally when 25, I was like, I've seen enough. I think I've seen them all. Yeah.

Honestly, I think if you've seen three, you've seen them all. Probably. How many dicks have you seen? I mean, that's a wild question. Yeah, it's a wild question. Well, nine years is a long time to be with someone. Yeah, no, totally. Well, yeah, I mean, like, I guess I don't really know off the top of my head the answer to either.

But I guess there's, is there a difference between, like, dicks in the wild? Or, like, dicks on screen? I would say a dick close enough that you could reach out and grab it. Oh, boy. Yeah, I don't know. That's a treat. I don't know. I guess I don't know either.

I would say at least 30. Whoa. It's too many. I mean, there's no such thing as too many. There's definitely such a thing as too many dicks. There was this one dick. It was like a thimble. It was so scary. His pants came one dick. It was like a thimble. It was so scary.

His pants came down and I was like, no. How did he take that? Still fucked him. Oh, he went, I know. And then I didn't have time

to unpack it. I was like, what do you know? What do you know? I mean, he must have been small. Maybe, or maybe he,

maybe he, women were gasping all the time and no one ever was like, we're gasping because it's small. But he would know. I mean, just being in the world. I forget how often like men see dicks all, like they see dicks all the time the time in locker rooms and stuff and bathrooms. So you gotta know. Yeah. Yeah. Dicks are so weird.

Yeah. They're also, I feel like, aggressive. Even when they're just flaccid, flapping. I just got a, we just got a dog four months ago and it's a boy. And I truly, every time his dick comes out, it is repulsive and it makes me want to die. It's so gross. Well, is he fixed? He hasn't gotten neutered yet because he is, he needs to get neutered now. He's six months now.

So that means his little like red thingy comes out yeah but like that i think happens does that stop happening after they get neutered oh good because charlie would get very excited and then his fucking little i hate when people call it a lipstick because i'm like no i'm not putting that on my mouth yeah I'm like don't ruin lipstick for me it's disgusting it's like a little red it's so gross and it used to happen with Clyde in the beginning because I think he was just so happy that people liked him

because he's such a bad dog yeah we're watching our dog Wally basically have a full sexual awakening because he like he's the cutest little fluff ball and then one day we were just like playing with him and all of a sudden his dick was fully out and we were like this is revolting and

it keeps coming out and then he also started just like like we'll go downstairs to go to bed and he'll jump in his bed and just make direct eye contact with me and hump the shit out of his bed until he passes out. And it's just like, stop.

Stop. This is gross. Oh, my God. Your dog is like Louis C.K. Just, like, making direct eye contact with you, drink something that you don't want. Oh, boy. And it's just for him. Honestly, I would love to know what's going through your dog's brain especially after he's just like ah got it all out and like passes out it's crazy dogs come

is that a weird that's a weird question I mean they must right I don't know if they would that way but like I don't know. They must ejaculate in some way in order to have like a baby. I guess but do they only ejaculate when they're inside a lady dog? I don't know. I've never seen dog cum. Me either.

So I have to imagine. Also I feel like it's too awful to Google. Like I feel like the government would be like we have to take her away. Yeah, yeah. You can't be Googling things like that. That's nasty. Yeah, send her to prison. Okay, I feel like the government would be like, we have to take her away. Yeah, yeah. You can't be Googling things like that. That's nasty. Yeah, send her to prison.

Okay, I have a question. Yeah. I know you're married, and you're not a lesbian. But would you date me? Yeah. You would? I would. Oh, what a treat. Most people have said no. Really? Yes. I feel like I would at least give you like three dates.

Oh, yay. That's a real treat. It's so fun to be with you. Oh, Jen, thank you. And also just like, I feel like wild things happen. I just always think about that time when we were at Bubba Gump Shrimp and you got chastised by the waiter for screaming dick too loud in front of families? It was so funny. I can't even remember why I was screaming dick. I think it was

an answer to a trivia question. I got really into trivia. Oh boy. They had some tricky questions. Yeah, there was one that was very tricky and I forget. It was, what kind of shoes was Jenny wearing to her wedding? Oh yeah, she was barefoot. And I kept screaming, her feet! And the server went, you think she was wearing her feet? And I was like, well she wasn't wearing any shoes! And then you won, right? And you win nothing!

Which is kind of incredible. Yeah. Give us a dollar off. Give us a free drink. And then I got a bunch of cups from there. I have so many Bubba Gump cups in my house. And then I got mixers. So sometimes I'll make a beverage. I'll make a cocktail. I'll use my Bubba Gump mixer. And then there's a little strainer. It's a great time. I gotta get back there. Yeah, you gotta go back. I love Bubba Gump. We still

need to see Madea Boo 2. Oh, yeah. We gotta do it. Next weekend. The other reason I talk about that Bubba Gump night a lot is because there was a very funny moment where someone came up to you and was like, I love you.

I'm such a big fan. I love your show. And then turned to me sitting across the table and asked me to take a picture of you two together. And I was just like, this is amazing. It's like, but she's on the show too. Did I say that or no? No, you were like like, very caught up. It was so quick.

Like, no one even really noticed that it happened. It was just, like, this very funny. I don't think she even, like, was looking at me. She was just kind of like, will you take a picture? It was so great. That is very funny. Well, I think I've told you this. My therapist watched the show, and she was like, it's very funny.

You're great. But I got to say, my favorite character is that Veronica. And I was like, hey, therapist, stop it. You can't say somebody else is your favorite person. You're not helping at all. This is like my parents all over again where they like my sister more. Yeah, she loves you. Oh, my gosh.

Well, I got her. Also, I was supposed to have a therapy session last week, and then I missed it because I slept too hard. And then I still haven't called her, and she has called me several times. Several times? Yeah, because she's like, what are you, dead? And I'm like, no, not dead, just ashamed. I took too hard of a nap and missed therapy. Very bad. I mean, I feel like of all people, she and missed therapy. Very bad.

I mean, I feel like of all people, she should understand that. She does. She'll get like a little annoyed with me and then I'm like, sorry, sorry, Mary. And she's like, it's fine. Here's another question. Yeah. Why do you think I'm single? Oh, my God.

I don't know. Jesus Christ. I'm doing a podcast so I can just gather answers and then go into the world and apply them. Oh my God. I don't know. Do you ever think about why, like, you can't do this. That just all of a sudden felt so pointed. Do you ever ask yourself that?

I ask myself that every night before bed and then sometimes, sometimes I start crying. No, I'm'm kidding I don't think I've ever cried about being single maybe when I was younger now I'm just like oh why I mean I just like yeah I truly have no idea about anything I don't know so okay nine years is such a long time to be with someone yeah so you met tell me about the first time you met because I don't think I So, okay. Nine years is such a long time to be with someone. Yeah. So you met, tell me about the first time you met, because I don't think I know this. Oh my gosh. It's kind of a sweet story. So, freshman year of college, I rushed a sorority. I was in a sorority for like a year and a half, and then they were like, you do too

much improv. That's very funny. Yeah. They were like, get get out of here you clearly have allegiances elsewhere um but when they kicked you out were they like listen the sorority is real and what you do on stage let's pretend they were actually like pretty cool about it considering they were just like hey you haven't come to a single event and i was like yeah and then they were like by the way you know we fine you when you miss an event so you owe us like 200 or something i just was like that's literally the most amount of money i've ever heard of existing in my life at this point so i will absolutely just walk away did you pay them no i don't think i did yeah um but yeah but so i rushed a sorority

and lucas rushed a fraternity and they do this thing in the winter in chicago which is like horrible where they make all the new sorority classes stand on the steps of their sorority houses oh my god and the new fraternity classes go around one by one and like serenade them it's very weird. And they give out, they have like a bunch of roses and they'll give out roses to random people. And so Lucas gave me a rose that night. And then that night we were all, his fraternity and my sorority were paired up. Because you also then get randomly paired up and then you have a bar night after.

And so they were paired up. because you also then get randomly paired up and then you have a bar night after and so they were paired up and he at the party was looking for me and he was going around looking for like the girl with brown hair and the white jacket which is how he described me uh but i wasn't there because i was auditioning for a comedy wrestling show so we didn't meet. And then like a year later, a friend of mine invited me. He was like, oh, some friends from my dorm are going to the – there was like one hot dog place that stayed open until 2 in the morning on Thursday nights. And he was like, we think it's funny, so we're going to go there at 1.30. I was like, sure. sure uh funnier to show

up at 159 yeah that is funnier oh boy what a loser uh but yeah but then i went and they like had this whole ritual where they like gather outside of their dorm and one person would lead everyone in like an inspirational speech of like we're going to wild dogs oh how weird it was very weird uh do they do this like every week i think they had done it every week and then one of them was in a film class where they had to make a documentary and they were like i'm gonna make a documentary about when we go to wild dogs and so this was like i know i've been trying to find it because that was like the night that lucas and i first actually met so i was trying to find it so we could play it at our wedding but it was so i don't think anybody has anymore but uh so yeah everyone was like amped up and kind of playing up this like wild dogs excursion and then

we got there and there were like 20 people we filled this hot dog place we were all eating hot dogs and then the the owner as a joke there was a TV screen on it and he just put porn on and everyone was like, this isn't OK. What you're doing is not funny. Like you're a 50 year old man. You're showing porn to a bunch of like 19 year olds. This is disgusting. I mean, yeah. But we were also like laughing.

But then on the walk back, that was when I met Lucas for the first time. Oh, crazy. That the first time. Oh. Crazy. That is very cute. Yeah. And then we didn't wind up dating for another year. Why? What happened? So we hung out a couple times and hooked up once, I think.

And then I had been dating someone. Oh. And then I was like, I don't want to be dating someone right now. And he had never dated anyone really. Really? And he was like, I desperately want to be dating somebody right now. So I was like, we can't see each other. Wait, were you his first girlfriend?

He had had a relationship in high school kind of. But like, yeah, he was just kind of like But, like, it was, like, yeah. He was just kind of like, I'm ready for a real girlfriend now. And then you became his real girlfriend. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. I want that.

I want that. I want to be in a real relationship. I want. You should go back to college and join sorority. I mean, I didn't go to real college, so maybe that's, like, why I missed out. Yeah. I went to a musical theater school where all of the men were gay.

Uh-huh. All of them. I'm pretty sure maybe, like, 1% was straight. Like, they let us live together. Yeah. Like, we weren't separated by gender. They're like, nothing's gonna happen. They're like, what's the worst that's gonna happen?

That they accidentally kiss and he goes, no! I don't want this. I also attempted to go, so I looked up, so I texted Allison Rich, our mutual friend, and I was like, Allison, let's go mingle

with men! And she was like, yes! So we looked at a list of singles bars to go to. And then Laurel Hardware was on it. And I was like, let's go there. Then everyone was like, it's kind of douchey. And I was like, but that's where we're going. And then I went to her house and then we had a drink and then we just got very drunk and stayed there. So like, even when I plan to go meet men, it goes badly. Yeah. I mean, I have to imagine it's kind of like when you're starting out in stand up where you're like, I, I have to imagine it's kind of like when you're starting out in stand-up where you're like, I know I have to go to this thing because of the possibility that it'll be good,

but the likelihood is it's going to be horrible. Kind of. So it's very hard to motivate yourself to go. It's super hard. Also, I never had to do, this is real braggy, but I didn't ever have to do open mics. Right. I got to do book shows pretty quick. Yeah.

If you're listening and you don't understand that, an open mic is where a comic will go, put their name on a list, and then you get, like, two minutes. And then sometimes you don't even get to get up.

Yeah. But, like, for the most part, it's, like, two minutes and you have to sit through, like, a bunch of dudes being like, I love to jerk off. And you're like,

great, this is hilarious. And then you get to go up and then everyone leaves because you're a lady. Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah, it's really awful. And then, like, a book show is someone reaches out and they're like because you're a lady. Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah, it's really awful and then like a book show

is someone reaches out and they're like, here's 15 minutes you come to the show you have a guaranteed spot. So yeah, I've never had to do open mics. I've never had to like,

like search for things in comedy. Like, not that it all just came to me but I did a lot of work at UCB and then when I started doing stand up it was like good and great. But now it's like, I have to like go out and find men. I have to like do open mics at bars yeah and then it's hard how do you

talk to people you don't know you've been married yeah i mean i uh i one time had to go to a party that was like a very industry party uh that i didn't have a plus one to and I didn't know anyone that was going to be there. And I just, I literally sat in my car like for 10 minutes just like fully sweating being like, I'm just going to have to go in and just start talking to someone. Like, I don't know. That's honestly very brave of you.

I don't know if I would have done it. I say no to things all the time when I don't get a plus one. Oh, really? Because I don't, it's hard. It's hard, but it feels really cool because let me tell you something. So many people are like, so they're not great at doing that. And so if you're at all comfortable, even if you're faking it, people are just immediately so like, oh, my God. Like I literally i walked into that

party and i went up to the bar i was like i'm just gonna get a drink i guess and i just turned to the person next to me i was like what are you drinking and then wound up talking to that person like multiple times throughout the night because he also didn't know anybody and so we kept just like yeah finding each other and then we just openly were like we don't know anyone at this party and then like we would go off and meet different people and then like introduce them to each other and then we just openly were like we don't know anyone at this party and then like we would go off and meet different people and then like introduce them to each other it was funny we were just like party buds all right so maybe i will start saying yes to things i don't like being uncomfortable maybe that's why i'm single oh i'm just like i don't like being uncomfortable i like being near people i know. And I'm slowly turning into a homebody, which is, like, maybe not good for finding a love.

Yeah. I mean. I really like being at home. Same. It's fun. Yeah. I mean, I was just watching a Friends episode right before I came here where they were talking about how they're, like, 29 now and all they want to do is, like, stay at home.

And I was like, that's me. Yeah, that's me. I don't. I like, I went out the other night. Oh, I went to, so I was, I went out after work, drank a bunch of beer, got home and I was like, I think I'm getting a headache because I need to keep drinking. And then John was like, let's go see a movie. And I was like, okay. So we went and saw Lady Bird and I put two bottles of wine in my backpack i loved ladybird so much i did not oh

god okay it was not for me we could talk about it off the record i don't want to shit on anyone great because everyone takes time to make their things and it's not nice when people are like this is trash it's not nice but we'll go to bubble nice. But we'll go to Bubba Gump and we'll talk about it. We'll go to Bubba Gump and I'll screw about penises and we'll talk about it. But so I put two bottles of wine in my purse or my backpack, which is like a purse because it's small. And then I went with John and his boyfriend and they like had the tickets and I was behind them. And for whatever reason, John turned around and pointed and was like, the third one's for her. And I was like, don't put the spotlight on me. I have wine in my purse.

Oh, my gosh. So then almost immediately, this very short little security guard was like, open your bag. And I was like, but this has never happened before. She was like, what's the big deal? Open your bag. I was like, I don't want to. She was like, open your bag.

And I was like, there's wine in it. And she's like, you have to put that back in the car. And then she's like, the cup's two. You really came. Oh, my God. That's amazing. So then John, we just like went outside. And another security guard watched us shove a bottle of wine down his sleeve.

And then we put the other bottle of wine back in his boyfriend's car. And then we got right in. And it was fine. And then I got very drunk during Lady Bird. And then was so hungover the next day. And I didn't even go out. I just went to a movie. I got very drunk during Lady Bird and then was so hungover the next day and I barely I didn't go out I just went to a movie yeah I got drunk so like going out to find a man just seems exhausting at this point yeah do you think that you like your man is out there like you haven't met him yet I hope so no I mean like oh my god oh my god that's not what i

meant oh my god like you have like he's not already in your life there's like no one in your life where you're like there's maybe something here there's one guy in my life who i don't know super super well but like we're around each other enough and i every time i'm near him I'm like oh you're so funny and you're just like a nice person and I don't know how to be like can we like go out yeah yeah it just it feels weird because like we are acquaintances slash friends and we have a lot of mutual friends in common and at this point it just feels very strange yeah oh man you should just ask him to hang out oh it feels crazy yeah no I'm sure when I first moved to LA I had like no problem just like hooking up with people and like being like we should hang out or whatever just because I was like the new lady here yeah and it was just like

oh Nicole she's new she's yeah she wears a lot of wigs which is what so it said about me they're like yeah I heard you're a fun time you wear a lot of wigs I was like that's weird that's very weird that's very true I love wigs but yeah I guess I should just say something I think about him a lot too yeah oh my god you have to just say something oh god alright alright I'll do it next month. All right. The time has come. I think we're like done. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Jen. Yeah. Do you have anything? Do you have anything you want to promote? I mean, I guess watch LA to Vegas on fog also Jen performs

and loosely exactly Nicole loosely exactly Nicole will be on at some point Jen is in two episodes this season or three

two two and your voice is heard in the third yes yes yes so three so three episodes and then she performs

on Thursdays at 11pm at the UCB theater oh right Jen literally just looked at me like she had no idea What I was saying You were like I do? When? Where? Yeah if you want to see Jen live

At a show that she has no idea about It is Thursdays at 11 At the UCB Theater on Franklin It's called Last Day of School It is? It's very funny And if you like this podcast please rate it

five stars on iTunes and subscribe probably right and subscribe on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts and if you rate my podcast five stars and you write a comment where you try to

hit on me I'll read a nasty one the next time I record. So if you, if you write something like, oh, Nicole, I want to, I want to scoop you up like chocolate pudding because you're all bumpy and lumpy. That's a good one that I just thought of off the top of my head. Oh, also, if you want to actually see my Tinder profile and my Bumble profile, you can go to Nicole Byer backslash comedy or something on Facebook and there's an album there and you can fucking look. Okay, bye-bye! This has been a Team Coco production.