Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Surprise Date Ideas (w/ Lisa Gilroy)

Episode Date: December 8, 2023

Comedian Lisa Gilroy doesn't want you to think about her little tiddies, okay? So she shares her adventures in surprise dating, complete with tips on how to execute your own fun surprise date for your partner. Lisa reflects on her journey as a 'teenage bride,' recounting her marriage to her high school sweetheart. She pitches an innovative concept for a live dating show to help Nicole find love, and Nicole opens up about her humiliating experience on Celebrity Dating Game. Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why? Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single. And after 8,000 episodes, nobody had a good answer. So now I'm just exploring love and shit. And my guest today is a hilarious comedian and improviser known for her appearances on Jury Duty, Glamorous, and as the host on Canada's YTV. She's been recognized as Vulture's Comedians You Should Know. I'm thrilled to have her on the show today.

It's Elisa Gilroy. Woo-hoo! It's Elisa Gilroy! Woo-hoo! Elisa, thank you so much for being here. Oh my God, thanks for having me, baby Nicole. My sweetest baby. Just a little inside scoop for you motherfuckers.

Elisa texted me and said don't ask me too much about sex and that made me laugh I got scared so hard I knew it would I knew it would

it truly took me out I was like I don't know you just responded okay with like 12 A's and a lol I don't want anyone

picturing my little titties don't think of it if you're listening right now don't think of my little. I don't want anyone picturing my little titties. Don't think of it. If you're listening right now, don't think of my little titties. Don't. Get them out of your head. They're only going to think about your little titties. I also have little titties. Do you? I do. And people never think of me as a little titty friend. And I think it's because I'm fat. But I once had a bra fit where the lady said I had a wide back tiny boobies. And that has really stuck with me for a very long time. Wide back tiny boobies. It sounds kind of like a rare creature that's going to go exotically extinct. And on the left, we've got the wide back little titty lizard.

Lizard. Oh, my God. Lisa, I have a question. What is it? I had no idea you were from Canada. Yeah. And you're well, I know you're producers from Canada because you put YTV in my credits, which is something that no American knows about or cares about.

That credit was for me and all of Canada. Yes. Yes. All of Canada. YTV is like Canada's Nickelodeon. It's like a kid of Canada. Yes. Yes, all of Canada. YTV is like Canada's Nickelodeon. It's like a kid's program. Yes. And you hosted something with Priyanka there?

Yeah, that's right. We hosted this show called The Zone that was like interstitials. It's like these little two-minute clips where we hosted the networks at large. So we would come on and be like, what's up? You're watching Nikki, Ricky, Dickie, and Dawn.

Up next is SpongeBob. Check it out. Who's Nikki, Ricky, and Dawn? Nikki, Ricky, Dickie, and Dawn. Up next is SpongeBob. Check it out. Who's Nikki, Ricky, and Dawn? Nikki, Ricky, Dickie, and Dawn is the kids' TV show. I don't know. Maybe it's the Canadian one. You don't have any? Nikki, Ricky, Dickie, and Dawn? Yes, they're siblings. I've never heard of that one day in my life. There's a lot of Canadian things that y'all don't have here, and I sometimes bring them up in like an improv scene to get a laugh. You know, like I think I'm saying something topical and then the audience is crickets. And then that's when it hits me that this thing does not exist in America. It's like, oh, I'm Canadian.

When did you come down south? 2018. Oh, OK. So you're here for two years and then a beautiful pandemic happens. A big, beautiful, gorgeous pandemic. That's all I could have ever dreamed for. Did you end up in L.A. or did you live somewhere else first? Well, I'm from Edmonton, Alberta, and I was a drama teacher there. And then I got this job on the kids' show. And then I moved to Toronto and then I moved to L.A. So those are the only three

places I've lived. The three most iconic fashion capitals of the world. Edmonton, Toronto, LA. I like Edmonton. And every time I say that people are like, why? You've been there? And it's because, yes, I spent not a chunk of time, but I've been to Edmonton, Vancouver. Not a chunk of time, but I've been to Edmonton, Vancouver. I went to those places, I think, twice or maybe three times just to do improv. Wow. I'm obsessed with you, Nicole. I feel like you are like a worldly, like you are, like I remember the first time I met you, I was shopping for a car and you were like, listen, honey, here's how a lease works, okay?

Here's the make and model of the most trusted brands. I was like, and I feel like you're like, you remember the cities you've been to. I bet you know where North is at all times. Am I wrong? Here's something embarrassing. When I lived in New York, I constantly walked avenues in the wrong direction. And then someone goes, just look at the street signs.

Whatever is going up in the numbers is North. So that way you know where East and West is. And it rocked my world. And I was like, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm so dumb. But now I know where North is when I'm in New York. And I bet you've taught other people that. You just taught me.

And that's what makes you a woman of significance. Hey, thank you. Well, I like helping, like, car stuff. I feel like nobody lets the ladies know about car things. Yeah, but you really know your shit. I love cars. They're so fun. You still got that Jeep?

I sure do. And I love driving over curbs. Yes. No better feeling in the world. It's fun. And people always stare at you. And I just smile because curbs. Yes. No better feeling in the world. It's fun. And people always stare at you. And I just smile because I'm like, I meant to do that. Hee hee. Beep beep. Toot toot. Toot toot. Beep beep. Do do do do do do do. Wait. OK, Lisa, I have a question. So wait, what grade were you teaching when you were a drama teacher? High school. So I had just finished. I was like 22 and I looked like them and yeah I was

I had just finished my like final practicum so I was like taking over for a mat leave at a catholic high school and um yeah and then I got a bunch of stuff I don't know oh yeah okay so first of all um I speak Latin. Practicum. Practicum is just like you do your first – you do like – what is it called? It's like intro and then your advanced practicum, whatever. They're just like – it's basically teaching in a high school for free. So you're like training to be a teacher, but you take over a few classes and you have the workload for like six months. So it's like a job that doesn't pay, but it goes towards your degree.

Ew. Yeah, it was a lot of work. But yeah, and other teachers were always stopping me in the hall like, excuse me, young lady, it's class time. I'm like, I'm a teacher here, actually. Actually, I'm a fucking teacher, so leave me alone. Actually, I'm an incredibly smart little boy. IQ of 450. What is IQ? It's a test that people take. Yes. And I'll never tell you'll never you'll simply never catch me taking it

because then I have to admit how stupid I am. Yeah, I don't want that. No, maybe I'll take it and like they'll be like, wow, you're smarter than we thought. That would never happen because when I took my SATs, they put me in this room with a big window and I just stared out the window because there was a dog outside and I wanted to figure out what was going on with that dog. Okay, SATs are also something I don't think that we really do or I didn't do. The SATs, I don't know what they stand for, but it's a big long test that you take and then they score it and then you get a grade and then you use that grade to get into colleges so if you're bad at test taking or have adhd or like you're just not good at that that's like you're just it sucks for you okay but they're they're like regular informational knowledge tests right like it's like like, what's the date that the queen was born?

It's not like, oh, if I have a triangle and it's this big and what's the mysterious riddle and can you answer it? I think that's like more like what an IQ test is. But I do think they have riddles like if a train is moving at 60 miles per hour, but then drops off a dog and then goes backwards for an hour. Okay. How fast is the train going? A riddle also known as a math question.

Uh-huh. goes backwards for an hour. Okay. How fast is the train going? A riddle also known as a math question. Oh, God, I'm so bad at math. I'm bad at math, too. And it doesn't matter. Nobody has ever said to me, hey, do this math problem before you get to set. Like, it just doesn't happen. And when I worked in retail, the math was done for you.

But don't you ever get in, like, conversational conundrums where your math skills are showing in a bad way where someone's like, oh, so crazy, you know, Madonna, she's whatever, 68. And then in my mind, I'm like, she was born in 1901. Like, I have no idea. Like if someone were to ask me to guess or I'm trying to make a ballpark, that's math for me, like years, you know, that's hard. Yeah. But that's also funny that you think that Madonna was born in 1901. That's very funny. Duolingo now for math. I think I'm going to start doing it. It's like there's Duolingo for math. Yes. It's like little it's like simple addition multiplication. I need it. I have to learn.

Here's I just have my fingies and I add on my fingers. You know what I do? I like count dice in my head. Like, you know the shape of a five on a dice? Yeah. I do. I go. So you'll catch my little finger like poking the air because I'm poking the little dots of the dice.

That's very funny. I'm not well. Listen, we all have things that we do to get by. That's what life is. It's just making life accommodate you. Oh, so true. Lisa, you're married. How did you get that? How did I get that? Well, I was a teenage bride, so I've been married for a long time, almost my whole life. I'm a teenage matrimonial ninja

turtle. Wait, what? When did you get married? Was it legal? Yeah, yeah. Did your parents have to sign a waiver? No, no, it was legal. We waited. We've been together since we were 17. And so then we got married when I had just turned 23.

So we waited until it was like more normal. But I've been married for a long time. More, more, I was just about to say, more longer than shorter in my life. But you know what I mean more of my life spent with this man yeah that made sense to me more longer than shorter yeah and that was my vow to him I promise you for longer or shorter for better or worse and you so I assume you met in high school? High school, yeah. Elementary school? High school.

And what was the thing that, like, attracted you to each other? Well, that's a great question, Nick, because you see, you simply see, I didn't know a single damn person in that high school. I had to go to high school where I had not a friend. I cried the entire summer before the semester started. Why was that done to you? Well, it was like the high school I ended up going to, the neighborhood I lived in was like not so nice. And the high school was fancy high school. And one year their enrollment was low. And so they opened this lottery system and my parents made me

join it. And then I got in and none of my friends got in. And it was like a diesel jean high school where all the kids were in diesel jeans. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. They were rich kids. Yeah. They drove like Volkswagen Jettas. Exactly. But you know what's also funny? They treated each other like dirt. Like they had all just come in from a middle school where they were all like, you know, there was like bullying suspensions

and the girls were like tearing each other's extensions out. And my school's chill. So I was like not prepared. You know what I mean? If you're going to a diesel jean high school right now watch your fucking back man because people are gonna be mean to you but anyways my high school didn't have that so i was like totally out of my element i was like crying in the bathrooms every day i didn't know anyone but um my husband it's so funny because sometimes i tell people like my i met my husband when he was a high school boy which makes

me sound like a pervert but I was a high school girl and anyways he would walk by my locker in 10th grade and I wrote about him in my journal like there's this guy who walks by my locker and he wears an adidas tracksuit read it and weep blue adidas tracksuit Nicole oh my. I love that. So then you wrote this in your journal, your diary. Uh-huh. And then when did you actually start talking? Then I didn't talk to him till 12th grade. So it's two years later. I work slow. Okay, listen, this is why I DM dudes that don't ask me about sex. Took me two years to talk to this man.

Okay. And then we ended up talking because we had a spare period. Like, you know, when you don't, what do you call it, like free block? Like when you don't have a class in the middle of the day. Oh, Nicole, please. Our country stars are next door neighbors. Nicole, please. I didn't have a free block.

Meet me at the border. No, listen. School here is wall to wall filled with garbage. No, it can't be. You go from one class to the next, to the next, to the next, to the gym, to lunch, to another class, to another class until you're fucking exhausted. Club, another club, plane, club, no sleep. I mean, honestly, that is an American school day. It fucking sucks.

But you never made your schedule and then, you know, they were like, oh, you have to take bio 101. Made my schedule? Yeah. No. They just hand you a piece of paper and that made your schedule and then, you know, they were like, oh, you have to take bio 101. You made my schedule? Yeah. No. They just hand you a piece of paper and that is your schedule. And I'll never forget my junior year. I had lunch with nobody I knew. Absolutely nobody.

And I was like, well, this fucking sucks. So then I stopped going to English because that's when everyone I knew had lunch. So I wouldn't go to English. So I could go have lunch with my friends. And then during my lunch, I would smoke weed with this kid named Pete in the, in the, the, the, what's it called? The parking lot. And that's how I chose my own schedule. During science, you were having a nap in your car. During history, you're going for a walk around the block. Never once set foot in that school i mean kind of and i remembered after my lunch period i had english so then i would go to english so fucking high and this kid jim what was his last name jim schumacher he would always he

called me ms buyer and he go ms bar seems stoned today and then i would just start laughing wow he was like your little alarm clock. I did nothing in high school. It's like a chicken thermometer. If that guy yells that out, you know, you're done cooked. You done got Ms. Byer. Ms. Byer. So, okay. What happened during your free period? Okay. So, first of all, I'm astounded that your guys' lunches were just a different time. So, at our school, it was like, in my high school, there's two long-ass classes, lunch, and then two more classes. That's it. They were like three-hour, they were so long, the classes. Wait, what? Yeah, four classes a day. That's insane. Or maybe it was three in the

morning, two in the afternoon. But anyways, everybody had lunch at the same time. It was all-school lunch, so I never had to worry about that, thank God. But although it was a nightmare anyways, because I didn't know anyone at the high school and I was eating in the bathroom. It doesn't matter. But anyways. Eating in the bathroom? Yeah, because I didn't have anyone to sit with. Where people take shits?

Yes. But why not just sit at a table alone? Because then people would know I was alone. I would rather people think I have chronic diarrhea than think I was alone. Fair. Also very funny. Did you like take a lunch tray into the bathroom or did you have like a paper bag lunch? I would bring my own lunch so that I could bring it into the bathroom. Paper bag lunch. But my sister was in 12th grade and I was in 10th grade. And sometimes she'd let me hang

out with her and her friends, but her friends like deeply hated me. Oh, no. So I knew my presence was not welcome. They were like really cool girls. They remember when Brittany and Madonna kissed at the VMAs and those little wedding dresses? And Christina too. Don't forget Christina. God forbid. I would never forget Christina. Don't forget Christina. She was there.

And we cut away to Justin Timberlake's reaction. Okay. So anyways, they dressed as those like ripped up brides for Halloween. Like just to give you context for like what those girls were. And I was like not fitting in and they simply hated me. So anyways, to give you context for, like, what those girls were. And I was, like, not fitting in, and they simply hated me. So, anyways, I was with them for a while, but whatever. So then I was by myself. So cut to 12th grade.

By now I have friends, thank God. And my friends are very well-connected because they were in the middle school that all the other kids went to. So it's like once I made friends. Well-connected. You are making it sound like they are truly part of the mob. They were well connected. Yeah. One of their dads was the prime minister.

The other one was Steve Jobs. And the third one's dad was Grimace from McDonald's. We never went hungry. Oh, my God. I would love to meet Grimace's child. You think Grimace has kids? I don't think Grimace has like reproductive organs. Maybe, but maybe not.

I don't think Grimace has reproductive organs. Maybe, but maybe not. Maybe Grimace lifts his skirt-shaped belly and there's a dick under there. But don't you think it would be kind of an extraterrestrial kind of dick? Like not the dick you're imagining? Two nuggets in a straw? I'd like to think it's an eggplant with two nuggets. Oh, eggplant, just because he's purple.

But I don't think it's eggplant because he doesn't really affiliate with anything like vegetable. You know what? You're right. He is a milkshake monster. Yes, yes, yes. He has to have a more delicious dick than an eggplant. Did you taste the Grimace milkshake? I tried three times through the drive-thru and every time they were sold out because those damn TikTok teens doing their fucking trends. It was very good.

What did it taste like? It tasted like maybe like grapey. Oh, interesting. Honestly, I don't. It was just like sweet and fun. I feel like whatever Dickie has dribbles out the Grimace milkshake. And here's the thing about McDonald's. I loved celebrating Grimace's birthday.

When are we going to celebrate the Hamburglar? When are we going to celebrate Mayor McCheese? When are we going to celebrate the rest of the people? What about Ronald McDonald's 65th wedding anniversary? You know? Isn't there

the little girl with the braids? I don't think he's married to the little girl. Ronald McDonald's a man. Lisa. Yeah, but who's the little girl? Is sheids? I don't think he's married to the little girl. Ronald McDonald's a man. Lisa. Yeah, but who's the little girl? Is she a little Hamburg Les? I don't know.

Mars, do you mind looking up who the little girl is? Sure thing. I have her in my house. See if you can have them on. Have them on? For like a couples counseling episode. I don't think they're married. I think she's a little girl. Yeah, but what makes you think Ronald's not a tall boy? Have you ever heard his voice? Is it deep? We don't know.

I truly have never heard Ronald McDonald's voice, so I don't know if he's a boy or a man. Yeah, right. And he's wearing a wig, so how are we to tell anything of any detail about him? He's face covered in makeup, body covered in a saggy bag of clown cloth. We don't know who this guy is, is what I'm saying. Honestly, what a funny argument for. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, right. The early bird. Oh, Birdie the early bird. Is that who we're talking about? The early bird. Whoa. So she's like a breakfast sausage McMuffin type of girl. I guess so. She's the first identifiable female character used in the McDonald's burst. Oh, my God.

Yeah. She's a bird with two braids. I guess that is who I was thinking of. Yeah. Bring them back. McDonald's, you're wasting time. Every month we should be celebrating a new character's birthday. Yes, exactly.

Or something like, you know, 10 years sober or 22 years married. Like, give us an occasion for a different kind of milkshake. Yeah, give us something. There's Captain Crook, Uncle Ogrimus. Oh, my God. There's just a professor, Officer Big Mac. And there's one guy just simply the professor. He just has nothing to do with the food. He's here to educate. Oh, no. There's a sexy bird or birdie the early bird.

I'm sure there is. Oh, no. Why do people do this? Feathery little titties. I mean, they're not little. Wow. They're pretty decent titties. Chicken breasts. Lisa!

Okay, anyways, I don't remember what I was saying. Oh, yeah, the spare, the spare. Your friends were very well connected. Oh, yeah, my friends were connected. So then I met people, whatever. But then by then, 12th grade, we had a spare together. So it was like when you're trying to fit your schedule together, you might have one semester where you don't have a class. Okay.

you're trying to fit your schedule together, you might have one semester where you don't have a class. Okay. So I had the morning classes and then I had this extra long lunch period with a spare afterwards, which is hell on earth because it's not like you can sleep in in the morning and come to school late and you can't leave early. You're just stuck at school. So me and my friend Andy had this spare together. And so we would sit in the cafeteria, which we called the calf. Okay. Cool girl alert. Very cute. And we would sit in there and just like have this fucking three-hour lunch break for no reason and and my husband and another and some and the boys were at another table and it was just us in the cafeteria every day it was just me and my friend at this table and them at this other table because we all got the world's worst free period. And then we started talking. We started hanging out. And he had a girlfriend that went to another school. Okay. So I was like, he's off

limits. Can't touch him. I was so sad. I was in love with him. I was just like secretly pining after him. And then one day on my 17th birthday, my friends threw me a surprise party. And guess who was there? And guess who had freshly broken up with his girlfriend from another school? That man that's now your husband. Yes. Oh. So wait, how long had they been broken up before you got together? I'm going to guess 13 hours.

I don't know. We were children. We were children. Okay. So then you start dating. And did you... What was... so you went to college, yes? Yeah, we both went to the same university in Edmonton, Alberta. Same university.

Well, our houses were like seven minutes apart. Ooh, that's nice and lucky. Yeah, so it's nice when we go home for Christmas because everybody's still there. Do your family celebrate together? Kind of. On Christmas Day, we all go skating together. Oh, my God. That's so cute.

We go to an outdoor pond and we all wear Oilers jerseys. An outdoor pond? Yes, it's very quaint. Why don't you go to a skating rink? A pond might break and you might die. No, there's no breaking. It's like minus 50 in Edmonton. A couple Christmases ago, National Geographic said it was colder

than the surface of Mars. And I'm not talking about your producer, okay? I'm talking about intergalactic outer fucking space. I'm talking about where Grimace's dick is from. The planet that is so cold, that's how cold my city is. Oh my God. I've never been to Edmonton when it's that fucking cold. But OK, I believe you. That's why you like it, Nicole. That's why you like Edmonton. I have a question. Did your families always get get along? Because I just went home for Thanksgiving. You guys don't celebrate Thanksgiving, right? We have it, but it's chill and it's in October and it's like a take it or leave it holiday. Oh, I see. I was just home for Thanksgiving and my whole family truly acted insane. Everyone was

being insane. One cousin didn't come because he was worried that one of his baby's mothers was going to meet the other baby's mom, but he didn't tell one. It was like a whole thing. And my sister was, she kept acting like we didn't have anywhere to go. I was just like, what? So, OK, when your families get together, is it good or is it bad? Well, I mean, we spend a lot of time with each other's families individually, but the whole family is not usually together. Like in the beginning when we were children and we were dating, I didn't even have my license yet. And so it was like my dad would have to drive me to his house and then our you know first like hangouts were like family dinners at each other's homes because somebody's parent was gonna have to pick up or drop off after like just so we were close

with each other's families a lot and then they would like hang out every once in a while but i think our parents are pretty different like mine are kind of rock and roll and his are kind of like library how fun i my parents are rock and roll and his parents are the fucking library which is very it's a safe haven if you ever need anything go to a library honestly when was your first kiss was it like early or was it late Do you think you're a late bloomer or an early bloomer? I'm such a late bloomer. My first kiss was with my husband. Wait, is your husband your first boyfriend? Yes. And then you just said, oh, this is great. I'll marry this person.

Yes. Yes. I don't know how it happened. It makes me feel kind of like one of the keep sweet, pray and obey children. But I didn't ask for this. I just the first guy I ever dated. I remember crying in my sister's bedroom because my sister like you think I'm like, you know, I'm delayed. Right. My sister skyrocket to the absolute moon. Sexiest woman in the universe. 50 Boyfriends by 15. Oh, my God. That's a title I want. 50 Boyfriends by 15 on the cover of Teen Vogue. How to get 50 Boyfriends by 15.

That is truly a dream of mine. It's Forbes' new list. It's just Sibbi Sweeney. No, you're right. That should be the new thing. Top 30 under 30 for who? Tell me how many people they've kissed. It should be 30 marriages by 30. That's what I want to see.

Who's 30 marriages by 30? And you have to wait till you're of age, which means you have to do multiple marriages a year. Yeah, you got some catching up to do, honey. If you want to make the list. If you want to make the list, diva. Yeah, that's what I meant by my friends being all well-connected. They were all on the list, if you know what I mean. Triple divorcees by 12th grade.

Love it. No, wait, what were we talking about? Your sister is beautiful. Yes, my sister is beautiful. And she was a slutty bride for Halloween. And before that, she was a slutty cop. And before that, she was a slutty, I don't know, Ronald McDonald, the whole gang. I love it.

But I remember crying and crying in her bedroom because she was like, you know, Samantha from Sex and the City. And she would have these new boyfriends all the time. And I got my first one, finally. First kiss, first boyfriend at 17. I was like, finally, I'm ready to enter. Actually, funny enough, my sister's name is Miranda. But she's more of a Samantha. Okay.

So I was crying, crying in her bedroom. Because I was like, it was getting to the year mark of being with my husband. And I was like, I was like, oh, no, like, I'm scared. When's the part where the breakup happens? Because I watched her go through so many breakups. And I thought it was just this thing that, like, comes for you. It's like looming in the sky or something. I don't know. And she was like, oh, well, you don't have

to break up with him if you still love him. And I was like, oh, well, I still love him. And she was like, you have fun with him? And you like, like, yeah, like more than anything, he's like my favorite person. She's a kid and you don't have to break up with him. And it was like such a revelation. I feel like from that one year mark, I was like, oh, then if I don't have to break up with him, I simply never will. And then he felt the same way. So we just never broke up. Oh, my God. What a dream. I also love that you were like, it has to happen. How wild that you're like, this has to happen. Your sister's like, no, I don't. I'd never. And our parents were divorced. Like, I'd never really even seen long term relationships of people my age, let alone the adults around me. So I was like,

it's inevitable. It's coming for us. I don't know how the hell it didn't. And we've been together for so long. We're not the same people anymore at all. We've like literally grown up together, but we still stayed like compatible and we're always having fun. So it's such a treat. It's like kind of being born with a twin brother. That you fuck? fuck yeah love is like when you have a twin brother you can fuck um so who proposed to you who proposed to me nope nope that's not that's not how i wanted to say it i wanted to say who proposed to who but then then I said who proposed to you, which is like your fucking husband. That's the answer. Ooh, Miss Byer is hot today.

Yeah, he proposed to me, and it was very sweet. I'm sure you've heard a million proposal stories. I'm sure you're over that. Yeah, but it doesn't get old. I'm a hopeless romantic hoping to get proposed to. And truly, I hope it's in the wildest way where somebody takes me to Guy Fieri's burger bar in the Burbank airport. And they're like, this is who I want to be with forever. You, you stupid bitch. And I'm like, ah, give me the mac and cheese.

Okay. That's another reason I'm obsessed with you. The way you just said Guy Fieri with such an Italian. Oh my God. The sexiest way I've ever heard anyone say it. Guy Fieri. Oh my God. Nicole, say it again. Guy Fieri. Wow. I want that for you. In fact, I mean, is Guy Fieri single? I want that for you. In fact, I mean, is Guy Fieri single? He is not. He has a wife and a family, and I've already truly looked into it. Do you have anybody?

Like, crush? No. No. No. Oh, I thought you meant like Jeff that I have a crush on. Do you have anyone for me? Oh, my God. Yeah, let's talk offline. Do you? Maybe. That don't do improv? Okay. You know what? That don't do improv? Okay.

You know what? I don't have anyone. Oh, you're not interested in dating an improviser. I get that. I totally get that. Well, now I'm actually very interested in who you have in mind for me. So I will talk to you offline. Okay.

I will talk to you offline. So I'll stay on after. I am curious. Okay. I'll give you two truths and a lie about my proposal. And you see if you can guess which one actually happened, okay? Okay. Okay.

Wait, Lisa, before you do that, we have to take a break. Ugh! Oh, we're back. It wasn't that long. Two truths and a lie. Here we are. Okay. He proposed to me in Mexico where the ring was in a tropical fruit basket. He proposed to me in a treehouse in a forest where there was pictures hung from all the branches. He proposed to me on an airplane where the pilot announced it from the cockpit. I'm going to go with the first one.

Wait, two truths and a lie. So he proposed to you twice. Oops. I mean, two lies and a truth. OK, someone's passing the IQ test. We have a clever girl on our hands here and nothing gets by her. Well, I also just asked you who proposed to you anyway. Who proposed to you?

And I said it so slow like I was revolutionary and change and breaking barriers, breaking that glass ceiling. Who proposed to you? Anyway. Yeah. You couldn't in your heart of hearts. You really couldn't fathom that it wasn't the man who did it. Yeah, you couldn't, in your heart of hearts, you really couldn't fathom that it wasn't the man who did it. I think it was in a basket of fruit.

Wrong, guess again. Okay, on an airplane. Wrong! It was on an airplane? No, it was not on an airplane. It was in a treehouse in a forest where the pictures were hung from the branches. What pictures? What do you mean the pictures were hung on the branches? the pictures were hung from the branches. What pictures? What do you mean the pictures were hung on the branches? The pictures were hung on the branches.

It feels like it's like a Nicolas Cage quote from a movie. The pictures, the pictures were hung on the branches. The Declaration of Independence is hung on branches. We have to go get it. I love Nicolas Cage. Me too. He's the reason why I have a career. He's so expressive and he does so much. And I once had

a teacher who was like, you'll never act. You do too much with your face. And I was like, well, if Nicolas Cage can act, me too. So can Nicolas Byer. You know what I mean? So can Nicolas Byer. Nicolas Byer can do whatever. I love him too, so deeply. Okay, this is what he, it was like pictures from throughout. Okay. So we have been together for six years before we got married. So there's like lots of pictures, like graduation pictures, prom pictures, birthdays, trips, whatever. And he had like, you know, printed them all out and then hung them from all the tree branches going down this like path into a forest. And then we went down and there was like a little tree house and we went up into it.

And then he proposed. That's so nice. That's really romantic. It's incredibly Taylor Swift coded somehow. How? How? I don't know.

Did you go to her tour? No. No, I didn't. I'm not a Swifty per se. It looks like the girls are having fun though. The girlies do look like they're having a great time.

But then I was like, I didn't realize I had so many Swifties in my fucking life. Like, every one of my time went. I know. They're all coming out of the woodwork now. It was very confusing. I said, when did this happen?

I only say Taylor Swift quoted. And because I'm not a Swifty, I don't know if this is actually accurate. But it feels like something that would have been in one of her early 2000s music videos. Like, just like, you know what I mean? Pictures hanging from branches. It feels very like, well, we were both young when I first saw you. one of her like early 2000s music videos like just like you know what i mean pictures hanging from branches it feels very like well we were both young when i first saw you is that a taylor swift song yeah that's like the only song i know it's like the early the first one i only know two we are never ever oh yeah getting back together that. And then look what you made me do.

Look what you made me do. And honestly, that one is a fucking bop. The old Taylor. Oh, she dead now. I was. Oh, yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. It's very like ominous.

Very, very funny. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I don't know any of the new stuff. I don't know what the whole tour is really about. No. I know it's about eras. Right. Whatever that means.

I don't know. Here's a question. What's the thing that y'all do to keep the spark alive in your relationship? Hmm. Well, we watch a lot of TV. We get a lot of Chipotle. Ooh. Just tuning on each other? Yeah, we tune on each other to high heaven. One fun thing that we have done since the beginning is we do surprise dates, which because I love surprises so much. That 17th birthday where we had our first kiss was a surprise party for me. I love a surprise. I love to be surprised.

So then it kind of just started as like a thing like if he was going to take me on a date, I did not want to know where we were going. I just wanted to show up and be surprised. So then it started being just started as like a thing like if he was going to take me on a date, I did not want to know where we were going. I just wanted to show up and be surprised. So then it started being like we'd alternate. So for a long time, we've been alternating around once a month. Someone takes someone on a date where they don't know where they're going. Sometimes you have to recline your seat and you have to close your eyes while the drive is happening. And you don't put the Google Maps lady's voice on.

So you really don't know where you are. And then you go somewhere very exciting or sometimes just regular. But it could be as simple as like a picnic or it could be as crazy as you took me skydiving on a surprise date. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Can you imagine not knowing you're going skydiving until you're like 10 minutes away from going skydiving? That's fun. You walk into a building and they're like,

okay, everybody, here's the waivers. And now put on your little suit. We're going to watch a video on how to do this. And you're like, what? I love it. That's very fun. Yeah, so we've done a lot of fun stuff like that. Haunted Hay Rise, Hookah Lounge,

just anything that other person maybe won't expect that they're doing. That's fucking sweet. I love that. And I'm like looking for love. And I don't want to say in all the wrong places because there isn't a wrong place to look. I fell in love on my flight back from where my family lives. That's such a funny thing that I'm like, from where my family lives to see the city, Nicole. No. Anyway, so I'm on this flight and there's this man and he's so hot. And I think he was having tummy trouble because he went to the bathroom a lot. And every time he like came back from the bathroom, I like would like mess my hair to like

make it look better. And I would like smile at him. And then he never looked at me. And then when we were getting off the plane he like helped me with my bag and I was like thank you and then he didn't say you're beautiful and I love you and I was really upset about it well did you guys you didn't get a chance to talk a baggage claim or anything you never spoke again never saw a whisper of each other here's the oh my god maybe I gotta start checking my bag yeah because I don't check bags that's the perfect way to do it because then you'd be trapped around the thing and then you're just like, who waiting for your bag, huh? And then he's like, excuse me? And you're like, waiting for your bag, sir?

Notice you were waiting for your bag. You go, you too, honey? You know it. And then you're trapped there together for seven minutes. And then he'll be like, why are you a time traveler from the 1920s? And I'm like, how did you know? Men love women who look like they had maybe been on the Titanic. But they survived.

I went to the Titanic Museum here. It was fun. There's the Titanic? Have you been? No, I gotta go. I didn't know there was one here. It is fun. I will say they did not have anything from the actual wreckage.

And they had like a lot of replicas like they had a replica of rose and jack's outfit from the movie and there's a man who his breath was a little kicking but he played my heart will go on on the trumpet and then he was like enter the world of titanic where we honor the people who have passed. And then he quoted the movie incorrectly about like going to where the fun people are. Anyway, I think that's a good surprise date idea for you and your husband

unless your husband listens to this episode. But wait, I'm curious. Did you smell this man's breath through the trumpet? No, when he started speaking, I was like, Oh, okay. Lord, that's blowing my hair back. I don't know if he was blasting the whole room.

Honestly, if I could smell it through the trumpet, I would take him aside and say, sir, whatever in the halitosis is going on with you is not right. Sir, you are simply sick. Oh, God. Did you ever play a brass instrument in high school? I played a silver instrument. I played the flute. Oh, silver instrument. I played the flute. Oh, hell yeah. I played the trombone.

But you know those spit valves? That guy's got to have a hell of a spit valve. Ugh. So gross. I loved playing the flute. I was never good at it. I could play hot cross buns

and that's it. I didn't get very far on the trombone either. I had no stick-to-itiveness. And also, you know, it's not easy carrying a trombone on the bus when you already feel like you have no friends. Oh, no. Yeah.

That just made me so sad. So, wait, you—so, you made friends with your sister's friends, and then when did you make your own friends? Pretty close after. I had, like, those—you know those, like, interim friends that you make that you cling to for dear life and you know you have nothing in common with them so i had this really weird friend who in gym class we had skating it's so canadian but yes we skating was a unit in gym class and um she would like take me to like a side corner of the rink and like make me close my eyes and then she would sing like she was that kind of girl so she was like i knew i was like counting down i was like i'm gonna find my people i'm gonna find my people it's not her it's okay

so fucking funny okay close your eyes you are the wind beneath my wings i'm obsessed with her that's truly so fucking funny i actually remember what I remember one what she did sing. She's like, okay, close your eyes because I'm really shy. But I want to know like if you think my voice is good. You are beautiful. Yes. Iconic. I wonder where she is now.

I'm obsessed with her. Yeah. So my friends that I eventually did meet is like we're halfway through 10th grade so I only had to spend like a couple months by myself but I met these girls um in in one of my classes and then we all tried to go they were like hey we're gonna go try to go to a 12th grade party this weekend like do you want to come and I was like yeah because on the weekends I'd just been hanging out with my friends from middle school no one from the new high school so I was like hell yeah these girls are inviting me out and then we tried go to this party and we got the door slammed in our face.

And we went to like a Denny's nearby and spent the night there. And it was like the most bonding, wonderful night. We all became best friends. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. So my girlfriends are kind of my like dating experience, you know, because I don't have a lot of dating experience. So my girlfriends are what I talk about in therapy. And I'm always inviting different girls out for lunch to see if they want to be my friend.

You never invite me out to lunch. That fucking really that stings. Nicole, I thought you were out of my league. Fucked up. I've never been invited to lunch. I've never been invited out by Lisa. Like, please come for lunch with me, please. OK, I would like to go to lunch. That would make me been invited out by Lisa. Like, please come for lunch with me, please. Okay. I would like to go to lunch. That would make me happy.

Thanks, Lisa. Wait, so you, you don't talk about your husband in therapy? Are you like blissfully happy? How the fuck do I get this? Is he supportive? He's super supportive. Like, and he's not in the, he's a science, science guy. And I'm an arts girl. So in that. He's a scientist's not in the, he's a science guy. And I'm an arts girl.

So in that. He's a scientist? Yeah. Well, he's a, like, computer engineer. So I feel like we're just so different that there's not a lot of, like, friction. We just, we have fun learning about what each other did during the day. And it's all so foreign to each other. He comes to all my improv shows. Oh, my God.

When we left, when we moved from Toronto to L.A., we drove, by the way,. Okay. Hell, hell on earth. But we packed up our little, we had like a little Mazda hatchback and we put everything we owned into it. That's it. And we were trying to close the trunk on the day that we were leaving. And there was this box that like, wasn't quite fitting this little shoe box. And I was like, what is this? And I took it out and it was a little shoe box filled with all of the ticket stubs from all of my improv shows i i burst into tears i was like i didn't know you kept these so yeah he's like he's a comedy fan he's a fan of me he comes to all the shows and then i and then i like learning about you know what kind of apps he's making in the know and we both know we could ever do what the other person does so it keeps it fun that's so fucking sweet and i almost just cried i don't think i've ever had

anyone care about me like that where they're like keeping memorabilia from my shit like that's really fucking sweet does he have any fucking friends yeah right his friend i mean since we moved out here most of his friends have become, like, you know, comedy people that I met first. Because his friends at work, like, you know, they're kind of, like, they're not very socially. They're hard to talk to. Like, a lot of those, like, computer engineer people are not very easy to talk to. Yeah, but they have a job. Tell him to find a good-looking one and then tell him to chat them up

and then tell him to tell them about me and then set me up. He's going to be stuck on the first criteria of that for about 12 years. I'm just trying to find an easier way to get to date because I'm back on the apps and I keep swiping and I keep not matching with people and then on hinge I keep sending like likes and roses to people because they were like

the more you do the more people respond but nobody's responding on fucking Raya I matched with this man who I thought was attractive and he liked me so I'm'm like, OK, we match. And then I was like, if you found a penguin in your room, what would you do? And then he didn't respond. What? That's a fun question. It is a fun question, because if I found a penguin in my room, I would keep it for a couple hours and then go, you're probably really hot and you need like ice. So then I would put him in an ice bowl, like an ice bowl of water or like in the sink or something and then i would call animal rescue yeah but wait a few days to enjoy penguin penguin by yourself yes yeah but i would like really try to figure out how i could keep this penguin yes

oh me too but you know penguins spray shit which is not excuse me yeah so when they shit they shake their little asses and then the shit goes like spanning out everywhere they do a big spray shit so it's not so easy to keep them around that's really upsetting because every time i find something i want to keep like a duck i find out that they just shit everywhere or or a boyfriend i i would take a boyfriend who shat everywhere. Spray shit? I really would. Yes. Because I could diaper him and then train him and say, hey, can you stop spray shitting all over my house? I will like, fuck you. Or suck your little dick. Right. We know it's little.

Lisa, I'm very horny right now. And I'm, but I'm also, okay, I've said it before on this podcast, but it's deeply true right now. I'm horny for love. I simply cannot fathom having any more one night stands where it's just like, this was either great or this was mediocre to terrible. It's usually mediocre to terrible.

And I'm just like, I would like to fuck the same person for a while who like gets me and we giggle and we have fun and they surprise me with shit I want that for you too really bad well then tell your husband to make friends with one of the nerds and fucking set me up so you don't really want it unless it fucking happens Lisa okay I'm gonna write it down right now real quick we gotta take a break I already wrote I've made two notes in this podcast so far and one was before we started recording fashion brand company from Mars okay now I'm writing down steve intro honestly fashion brand company is simply iconic uh not only is it like fun and style i'm not being paid by them but like it's like fun stylish and silly like she'll

do like clown shirts or like macaroni shirts where there's like literal macaroni on it i love everything i see where i always love it thank you. A lot of it is fashion brand. I love their shit. It's so fucking fun. Because I do notice sometimes on my best days, we show up to an improv show dressed like the same toddler, which is iconic to me. But most days, I'm just jealous of what you're wearing. Oh, thank you. The reason why I don't wear like, I have like my little improv uniform and my little stand up uniform

it is just a striped shirt and jeans because I love striped shirts and I like jeans and it's like a little bit of pizzazz but it's not enough that someone's going to be staring at my outfit being like oh I really like that where did she get that and not listening to me

which is like a me thing that I think is going to happen my eyes are up here guys yeah look over here listening to me. Right. Which is like a me thing that I think is going to happen. My eyes are up here, guys. Yeah. Look over here. Unless I'm wearing a sparkly hat, then my eyes are down here. Have you ever improvised in a hat? Never. And I actually, I have issues with my, I honestly feel like my entire personal style is based

off of doing improv. I don't own a single thing that I couldn't do improv in. I'm like, shirt can't be too low cut. Pants can't be too tight. Like, I'm like, I have to be comfortable and I have to look, you know, and you know, it's hard being a woman in comedy because like, I never want to look like, I guess like you were saying, too flashy or like sometimes even too femme. Like, I know that's bad because I'm like, you know, I'm buying into the stereotype, but I'm always like, well, I have to look like playful and approachable and comfortable for people to be on my side. Mm hmm.

Yeah, I get that. I mean, I don't ever really want to look too femme just because a lot of like super feminine clothing, like a blouse or like a skirt. It's like I got to get on the floor. I the floor I gotta spread my legs I gotta fucking roll around so I'm like jeans pants are the best but what about for stand-up is the best you don't have to roll roll around well maybe you do it depends right I've rolled around in some shows I've gone into the audience in some shows I just I don't want someone to like look up a skirt. Oh, totally.

And then also since I'm there for an hour, I'm like, I would rather just be in my little uniform that I know is comfortable. I know that there's not going to be like a snap that falls off or like the pants are too tight. Like I know everything fits. Yeah. Yeah. So like, I just, I have my little uniform.

So it's like a non-starter, like everything, like I know that this fits and it's going to be fine. Yeah. And I'll be comfy. And then I paint my face to be very beautiful because just in case I'm not funny, I'm at least beautiful. This is like too much goes into my thought process for performing. performing. No, I hear you. And your makeup is always stunning for sure. I want my clothes to be like, I want to time travel to 1950s. I want to get the scrawniest boy on the football team. And I want to take all of his clothes and wear them as mine. You know what? I want to wear like cute little like varsity letter things and little, you know, that's kind of my dream. You can do that. I have a hard time finding that stuff. Go on Etsy, go on eBay, go on Depopop go on poshmark and look for used stuff a lot of my stuff is from those places or just like thrift stores and shit can i tell you something lisa i just got done touring a ton and i didn't fuck anybody on the tour there are no straight men who come to

my shows i was in chicago none of my family came to the show. Wait, no, that's not the story. Oh, I was at the Apollo. And I got to play the Apollo, which was so fucking incredible. That is huge. Congratulations. Very, very cool. Thank you. And I can't remember what. I was doing a little bit of crowd work, and I was like, are there any straight men

here? And there was one man who was like, yeah, me. And then this woman goes, he works here no straight men come to my shows unless they are employed at the venue and i'm like how do i reach the straights how do i get a straight man to come to my show and go oh she's funny maybe i'll love her forever okay i have an idea yeah i have an idea okay what if you do, like, an improv show at, like, Dynasty or something, and the gag is you pick, whatever, five or ten friends, and we each have to bring an eligible bachelor for you. And then you kind of, like, speed date them during the show, and then whoever wins at the end wins. Like, we're all incentivized to bring who we think would be the best match for you.

Because then we win a flat screen TV at the end. And you win a boyfriend. Lisa, flat screen TVs are like $15 fucking dollars. Yes. Like, I don't understand why anybody robs a house anymore. I'm like, what is valuable in a house for anybody? A TV? You can literally go to Target and get a TV for $35.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Because I want you to hand it to me on stage. And everyone will be screaming. Everyone will be screaming. They'll be taking their shirts off. They'll be throwing them there. Can you imagine anything more flashy or high stakes than winning a TV on stage? I don't care how much it's worth.

It's a big prize, and I'll have to get someone with a truck to help me take it home. A truck? How big is this TV? Oh, it's big. It's at least 50 inches. I told you I was bad at math. I mean, 50 inches is, I think, a good size.

Did you know that they measure TVs diagonally? I just learned that. Yeah. My husband just taught me that. I literally have an iPad on my wall because I thought it was measured horizontally. And it wasn't. And the computers are not the computer. Why do they do that?

Just give us regular measurements. If I'm buying a table. Men don't want to measure anything correctly. It's crazy. Their heights, their dicks, TVs. They don't want to do none of it. Okay, what about this? Maybe for the show, we each bring an eligible bachelor or bachelorette to you.

And then maybe at the end, you have to guess who brought who or something like that. So then even at the end, if it's not about like compatibility, it's like a fun way to meet people. Then you can also be like, I think Lisa brought this guy who looks like a teenage Ronald McDonald. But he'd be nice, though. He'd be nice. I will say this. It's not that I get bashful like doing like dating stuff in public because I did this like dating. I think it was Celebrity Dating Game or whatever.

public because I did this like dating, I think it was celebrity dating game or whatever. I get a little bashful when I'm like, oh, I'm not into any of these people. And like someone seems into me. And I'm like, oh, I don't know how to navigate rejecting someone publicly. But at least you only have to do it. You don't have to do it publicly. You could just be you could choose them. And then after backstage, be like, hey, thanks for coming out. I'm Nicole Byer. I just I'm doing the biz. Right. But at least you only have to do it. You don't have to do it publicly. You could choose them and then after backstage be like, hey, thanks for coming out. I'm Nicole Byer.

I just am doing the biz, okay? We're not going to talk again. I'm just doing the biz. Truly the rudest thing you can say to someone. Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. I'm just doing the biz on Celebrity Dating Game. The dude I picked at the end, like we were saying our goodbyes and we were supposed to be next to each other and he walked away to go talk to Michael Bolton and I was like you have

you have to at least pretend that you want to date you have to pretend and then we had to keep redoing it because he kept walking away from me and I was like this is humiliating this is the worst thing in my life oh god I don't know I don't know. I don't know about doing. I saw a clip from that show, and Michael Bolton, bless his heart, he seemed like the absolute cryptkeeper, and maybe that guy was just going to say his final goodbyes. He has his whole lifetime with you, Nicole.

Michael Bolton maybe only has a couple weeks. Maybe. Michael Bolton is very funny, though. Truly. Yes. Truly out there, and it makes me so happy. Wait, I have a question. Where did you go on your honeymoon well we were poor we got married in um when we were in college so we went to we drove from edmonton to jasper which is like in the mountains it's like a four hour drive away and

we went for the weekend and we got a group on somebody gifted us a groupon for a dinner at this restaurant. And this is so bad, but we used it for dinner and then they didn't like scan it or something. So we went back the next night and used it for dinner again. So that's what we did. I love that. I drove there so he could study for midterms and then he drove back so I could study for midterms. So it was like silence in the car. You guys are so giving and nice. This sucks. I want this. How do, Lisa, how do I get this? I don't know. That's what I'm saying. It's like, I know I was making a joke about having like a twin brother that I'm married to, but it's like, you know, you ever meet an identical twin and you're like, oh great, great for you. You were just born with like an instant friend that's going to follow you everywhere. That's kind of what it feels like because we were so young and then it just we just got glued together and we love each other still

very much. And I don't know how it happened. I feel very lucky. But we're also just like, oh, my God, I don't want to say twin flames. Do you see that documentary? No. What is a twin flame? Oh, my God. There's a documentary on Netflix about this cult that they started with it. It's like these two people and they're like, oh, we'll help you. Well, it's terrible. Single people are when they Google like, oh, you know, how do you find your person? You get indoctrinated into this like Facebook group. It's like Twin Flame. We help you find your Twin Flame. And the leaders say, we know when you found that person and they start pairing people up and forcing people to be together. And yeah,

it was terrible, terrible. I would do that. No, it, I'm making it sound kind of fun, but it's really bad. So it's the Twin Flame universe. Nicole, don't. Don't sign up. With Jeff and Shalaya. Stop. Don't click anymore. Jeffrey, Jeffrey the Divine and Shayla the Divine. It's terrible.

No. Oh, these classes cost $4,000. I'm sorry. I can't do that. It's a cult. They pair you up with people. They'll go like, we got a word from God. Nicole, your twin flame is Eugene. And then you look at Eugene and he's like nine feet tall and 25 pounds.

Okay. No, no, Nicole. Okay, I can do Eugene, nine feet tall, 25 pounds. You know, it'll be fun playing hide and seek with Eugene. I'll be like, baby, where did you go? I can't see. He's behind the lamp. He is a standing lamp.

No, so they were, it actually is really, really dark. Because they, at one point, there was too many women in the group. So they started convincing people that they were either gay or like actually trans and then like pushing them to transition so that they could partner up with other people in the group. It's really dark. So I don't want that for you. I don't want that. I do want you. I mean, if you want a man with a body like a lamp there's other places to find him

but where I want my little lamp man I don't know I'm the least qualified person on the topic so I wish I could help more well I'm telling you

tell that husband to talk to some of these people at his fucking job and get me somebody okay so we have reached the end no um i i asked all of my guests this i've missed it a handful of times because i am the dizziest bitch

in america okay would you date me nicole i would be so blessed and highly favored to be able to date you are you kidding oh I just know you would take such supreme care of me. You'd help me figure out my car payments. I would. You'd be such a loving, doting partner. I should be so lucky. What kind of car do you have? Do you also have a Jeep? No. So we talked about this because then I wanted the Jeep, but then my dad was all spun out because he didn't like the, like, safety. I'm the youngest child in my family.

Where are you in the birth order? I'm the youngest. Oh, you are. Interesting because you really exhibit some, like, some independent characteristics that I don't feel like I have. Because I'm asking everyone. I had asked my dad. That's so embarrassing. But he was like, I don't like the safety ratings on the Jeep, jeep something something I think it was because I was looking at the little one

that flips so um I ended up getting a bronco a bronco sport oh this is the bronco sport is that the four-door one or the two-door one four-door so that's the smaller version. Yeah, yeah. The Bronco, the regular one is like giant. I love the regular one. Me too, kind of. I know, but I got scared. I was like, it's so big. Who do I think I am? I think I just need to get a higher self-esteem before I can get a bigger car.

I do think that the two-door one might have the same wheelbase as the four-door Sport. Because the two-door one is a little same wheelbase as the four-door sport because the two-door one is a little smaller talk guy fieri to me oh guy fieri i do love a bronco and my lease is almost up and i was like also i thought my lease was up this june so i emailed the dealership and i was like do i like turn this into you how do i give you your car back and then nobody answered and then I had my assistant Lindsay reach out and she was like your lease isn't up until next year and I was like I'm so deeply embarrassed oh so next you should get a bronco the piggy first spin I want to see what the big guys like I might get one do it they're so big and fun I really want like an old one the i think it's the 65 to 74 built

but and you can so they make them new there's a bunch of companies that have licensed the bodies from ford but the build started like two hundred thousand dollars and i was like that's too much money that's crazy who has that much money for a cur? Well, those don't depreciate. You could get new car with old horn. Maybe that would scratch the itch. You could have like a... Lisa, no.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever fucking heard. Get a new car with an old horn. Get out of here. Go home. That's really funny. Maybe if you get a new car with an old horn. Listen, I'm just trying to hang. I'm just trying to talk cars.

Lisa, do you have anything that you want to premiere? I have a podcast coming out with Ike Barinholtz and Neil Casey called The Chris Chapman Do-Over. It should be out now, I think, when this comes out. Ooh. But yeah, Amy Poehler's producing it through Paper Kite. And it's like the follow-up to her Dr. Sheila podcast. Her podcast kind of turns into ours. Ooh, that's fun.

Yeah. And is it available anywhere you get your podcast? It sure is, Honey Bunches. Oh, boy. Lisa, thank you so much for being here. Oh, thank you for having me. This was a dream. Oh, and if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me,

you can like it, you can subscribe or whatever. You can give me like five stars or something. If you write me something dirty to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com, don't send dick pics, Mars doesn't want that. I will read it if you hit on me saying something nasty. And honestly, the nastier, the better. Some of these are getting a little less nasty and I want nasty. Okay. Hey, Nicole, I want to extract the eggs from your ovaries and take the milk from

your honkers and mix them together to make a delicious omelet. Bon appetit. And that's nasty because who puts milk in an omelet? I do sometimes. What? Wait, really? You put milk in an omelet? Yes. Yeah. You like fluffs it up, makes it supreme. You could put yogurt in too. That's sick. You got to get out of here. Goodbye. Bye. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. With talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show.

Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.