Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The 5 Love Languages (w/ Warren Burke)

Episode Date: March 9, 2018

Warren Burke (Jimmy Kimmel Live!) talks Nicole through her intimacy issues, the 5 love languages, and the time she got mistaken for a hooker. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where I explore why I'm single and why I can't find a boyfriend even though I love, you know, tickling tanks and sucking on balls and if you want I'll finger your butthole. I have no qualms about that. My guest today is a very wonderful man.

His name is Warren Burke. Wah, wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah, wah. He's wearing a red jacket, and he's got shoes on. He's got a white shirt, and he's here in the studio. Woo, woo. All within my melanin skin yeah yeah yeah he's black if you can't hear it through your ears this is what a black man sounds like yes and this is what a black

woman sounds like sometimes sometimes people do not think i'm black really because of my voice oh i wonder you know how in some black voices you can hear it though? Like, oh, he's got that deep rasp. He must be like. Yes. You know. And then sometimes there'll be like a commercial on the radio where it's like, Dayton, why won't you get car insurance?

Girl, you know I've been trying all week. And it's like, oh yeah, I guess those are black people. Yeah, those are black people. I hear it now. Okay, great. Because in voiceovers sometimes they'll be like, Nicole, can you turn a little blacker? And I'm like, oh yeah, I guess those are black people. Yeah, those are black people. I hear it now. Okay, great. Because in voiceovers, sometimes they'll be like, Nicole,

can you sound a little blacker? And I'm like, I don't know what that means. I think you're talking about regionalism because if you go, you know, to certain places, everybody sounds the same.

Sure, sure. So you saying sound blacker is just wildly offensive. Let them get more specific, like more like Southern Florida. Yeah, if you could do like, um, Camden, New Jersey. Camden, New specific. Like, more like Southern Florida. Yeah, if you could do, like, Camden, New Jersey.

Camden, New Jersey. And I'm like, oh, okay. I know it. Camden, New Jersey. I know it. That's lying. Or, like, less Valley Girl or something. Because people are like, you sound kind of like a Valley Girl.

I'm like, I don't know. I sound like the white people I grew up with. Like, I don't know what to tell you. That's right. We all, where I live, we all sound alike. All the black people there, all the white people there. The Asian people, all of us. We're just like, hello, we're from Jersey.

No. Everybody sounds like that. Even like us. Hello. Oh, hello. I am going to construction today, sweetheart. I almost wish there was a town in America where everyone was like, hello. Like, I wish in Orlando everyone sounded like Mickey Mouse.

Like, oh, so Mickey Mouse is in Orlando. That's what we all sound like. So I went to work today, and can you believe it? Tim comes in with a cake, and he knows that I'm gluten-free. Oh, man, that's terrible. Why don't people sound like Mickey Mouse? All the time. Seriously.

Yeah, like, just whatever. That'd be a great life. So here's a question, Warren. Are you single? I am. I am a single man. And you are on Tinder. I am on Tinder.

And how is Tinder working out for you? Well, Nicole, it's so funny that you bring this up. Because Tinder, it was, you know, know to be honest it's not the best and it's because like so in my you know i understand the tinder thing you got to put up some great photos a poppy bio that makes you stand out from the rest and your first message has got to stand out which is kind of weird because nicole we have matched. We did match on Tinder. We matched. Sorry. Yes. And you came into an audition.

Yes. And I was. We're going straight to it. Sorry. I was reading with you. Okay. And I don't know how it came up. It came up pretty organically.

And you were like, oh, we matched on Tinder. And months went by. I messaged you. Yeah. And months went by. I got to. Yeah. It's the funniest. it's the funniest thing that

happened i will never forget it wait let's see if i can actually find it which is something i should have done before today i'll have to let you know at this point i have deleted tinder so hopefully i'm still popping up in there but while you look for this i gotta let the people know that okay i don't know it It's December of 2016. Nicole comes up. I'm like, whoa, look at Nicole. She has all these nice pictures or whatever. One's got to be a little raunchy because it is Nicole.

And so I'm like, oh, wow, it's Nicole Byer. Yeah, I know her comedy a little bit. Seen her around UCB. And yeah, sure, why not? Let's just swipe right. Guys, we match. What? Mind blown. So I was like oh my god i match with this amazing wonderful independent empowered comedian who's taking over hollywood and so i

was like yeah let's uh like you know what do you say what do you say to this but now this woman who's doing all this so uh okay i know um hey nicole uh Love your comedy. So crazy that we matched. Dot, dot, dot, right? And you're waiting. You're waiting. You're waiting. And guys, this is December. Nicole doesn't give me a response in December.

Doesn't give me a response in January. Doesn't give me a response in February. Doesn't give me a response in March. April. Still no response. May comes around and, still no response. May comes around and we get a response. Yay! Nicole has answered

Warren and she says, oh my god, thanks. What? Guys, let me explain something. If you ever decide that you want to hit somebody back six months later, what are we doing here? What's the purpose now? Now, I know you got your show and everything. You're doing your own podcast.

You pop it. But now, come on. Six months? Uh-uh. I'm not. You're amazing. You're great. I don't even.

I'd scratch my head if it was even Halle Berry to do something like that. Like, ah! Halle Berry! I feel misused. Here is probably what happened. Okay. So, we matched, and then you said, I like your comedy. Comedy, great. So whenever someone says comedy just straight off the bat,

I'm like, ah, are they like a fan? And are they going to fangirl if I meet up with them? Oh, wow. Or are they a comic who's going to fangirl if I meet up with them or are they a comic who's gonna like pick my brain if we go out or like I don't or are they gonna just tell me that they're

like girlfriend likes my stuff or their sister likes my stuff and they're like just stopping by to give you a compliment and that is it because that's happened that happens a lot so like I was in portland doing shows swiping swiping swiping my friend tess is like you can fuck someone in my house i don't care the kids go to sleep it's fine and i was like great so then i was swiping this guy messages

me he's like kind of cute and he was like i love your comedy i think you were so funny and i was like oh thanks uh he's like do you live in portland i said no i don't live in portland i'm just here for the weekend i'm doing uh five shows at helium uh yeah whatever whatever and he was like oh cool maybe me and my uh me and my sister will like roll on through she loves you she's gonna freak out that we matched on tinder yeah well good luck to you and i was like what oh um okay i was like and then i didn't and then he never said anything else so i was like oh he got excited because he knew that his sister liked me matched with me told me that she liked my comedy and that's it that's all he wanted to say and it's like it's like one of those things where sometimes, or not sometimes, like why people follow people on Instagram and then will comment on their pictures to be like, I want to have an interaction with you because I like you. And the same thing happens on Tinder.

So that's why that's probably the reason why I didn't respond. Listen, the first Tinder message has always baffled me, which is why I'm also was deciding to get on Bumble because, hey, for the first time time in my life the pressure of having to make that first message is off of me now i can let the woman feel what that's like and so many messages from so many women like oh my god is this what this feels like like yeah this shit sucks we don't want to do this that anxiety that you feel in your chest when you're about to fucking throw up like oh my god she's gonna think i'm a rapist or some weirdo or something like that just for saying hello you're beautiful like get the fuck away from me like i will say this don't say i'm beautiful i already fucking know i'm beautiful okay you don't have to tell me i'm beautiful this is this is a great segue because why i just read this weird thing five love languages i'm

pretty sure you're familiar have you heard of it no you haven't heard of the five love languages wait what like your listeners are tripping out right now. They're like, Nicole doesn't know about the five love languages? Five love languages was written by this guy. I totally forgot his name. It's a terrible time to bring up it. I don't know the author. But there's five love languages.

Words of affirmation, touch, receiving gifts, acts of service, which means you like somebody doing shit for you. Yeah, but I don't need that from some dude I don't fucking know. No, but you identify what your love language is. Therefore, once you identify what it is, you now know how you receive and give love. So, okay, what are they again? What are the love languages? You got words of affirmation.

I love you, Nicole. That shit feels amazing, okay? Acts of service. Hey, Nicole, don't worry about it. I'm going to do the dishes and make up the bed. You just sit on down, all right? Touch. We already know what that is.

You know what I mean? Gifts, which is is it doesn't have to be like something large like a huge car or something just like hey here's like uh some flowers okay that makes it like fills you up and then quality time now i don't understand this okay that's my sister that's your sister she's just like there are people my sister can literally sit in a corner exact as long as she's in a room with me she's's like, we've bonded. Exactly. And I'm like, bitch, we didn't do nothing. Exactly.

Which is, that buff baffles me. Like, we need to do something in order for us. She came to visit me and didn't have a single plan. So then I was like, well, I don't want to take you to, like, the Santa Monica Pier for you to get down there and go, this is nice. And, like, not enjoy it. So then I was like, let's go to the Broads. We went to the Broads. And she there and go, this is nice. And like not enjoy it. So then I was like, let's go to the Broads. We went to the Broads.

And she was just like, this is nice. And I was like, Jesus Christ. And then she was just like happy to sit and watch like diners, drives, and dives or whatever the fuck that guy. She was like, I just want to sit next to you and be near you. And I was like, Jesus Christ, I can't. I like for people to do shit for me yeah acts of service me too number one it's just like do everything when you do something for me it's just like it does it like i because it it shows me that you love me like you

care enough for to take this task on wait maybe not even hug me down words bossy are you bossy okay i i just want someone to listen to me because when i say don't do that just don't do it so maybe you like quality time too no no i don't want to sit and stare at you fucking kidding me we gotta do something okay so we know it's not quality time there's a quiz so even if you don't want to read the book just go online oh there's a type in five love languages quiz do the quiz it takes like like 10 minutes and. And then it'll rank because we all like these things. No matter what we say. Even though we don't like this, we kind of like it.

But there's a certain percentage of what is more. And then it'll rank the percentages for you. Okay. Five love languages quiz. I just felt language is the wildest way. It like was very wrong. Language is one of those words that when you get to after G.

Do it later. So what is yours? My number one is words affirmation. I'm an actor. I like to feel validated. You did a good job. That feels good. Also, you get to, which my second one is acts of service. I like people to do shit for you. Interesting.

I do not like affirmation, but it's weird. So if we're going to talk about, just in general, like in life, I don't need someone to tell me I'm beautiful. I don't need someone to tell me I'm funny. I don't need someone, I don't need anyone to tell me shit i already know yeah

it's just it's not necessary yeah what's necessary is for someone to go oh your new hair looks good or dang six pairs of lashes why and i'm like because i love it uh just like noticing the new things i do that's what i need that's a fine line you need you to pay attention to the new things i'm doing i know it's okay so don't compliment you don't say how amazing you are but in the essence that there is something new that comes about within you do comment on that and make sure it's positive but not complimenting you can compliment as long as it's something i don't know if i'm wearing a new wig and i'm not sure about it tell me if it's good oh come on now how how would i know that you're not sure i don't know. If I'm wearing a new wig and I'm not sure about it, tell me if it's good. Oh, come on now.

How would I know that you're not sure? I don't know. If I come downstairs and I start tossing my hair, say something about my wig. Okay, okay. I'm a very complex woman.

Men are dumb. We're really dumb. I can't tell you how dumb we are. We are the most literal, like we literally need, you need to spell it out for us because we're not mind readers. We're already putting

so much attention elsewhere. You know, I'm black, trying not to get shot, you know, sorry. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah, trauma. But elsewhere you know i'm black trying not to get shot you know sorry that's all another yeah trauma uh but you know for the most part we're we're just trying to you know trying to understand what we can do to to fix it or to help in a relationship well i think men aren't forthcoming with feelings and information that's a that's a that's i when i hear women say this specifically on Tinder dates, I hear this all the time.

It's just like, what? I hate that this, I am so expressed, again, words of affirmation. Sure. So expressed,

it's so vulnerable. It just needs to be said. So, okay, it's like, great, I know you're into me, whatever,

whatever, whatever. We go on like four dates, it's great. Great. And then you like ghost someone? I feel like men can just be like women do this too okay i was about i was ready to come right back at you now i think

people in general need to go hey this was bad for x y and z like you're not hurting someone's feelings maybe you can learn a little bit from it or you just go oh okay i was feeling something that was wrong right it's a little feedback. I don't know that I'm doing the same thing. Help me in the fact that we just went out, we just had this lovely dinner. You probably didn't have to worry about it. Give me the fine courtesy of saying, hey, this is why we're not going to link up again. Yes.

Dating is like auditioning. And auditions suck. You prep. You make sure you look and smell good you're on your best behavior you're trying to say something that gets them to laugh up top and then you go through with the audition and then you say thank you i hope we hear i hope i hear from you again i would love to you know go out on another date or like get married like book the role yeah uh and then you don't hear anything weeks days months and you're like oh i i guess they didn't like me didn't like me but then you hear maybe we want to test you and you're like oh they did like me

and then you test and then you're like well maybe they will give it to me maybe i will you know get a ring put on it and you don't hear anything weeks months and then you see it on well, maybe they will give it to me. Maybe I will, you know, get a ring put on it. And you don't hear anything weeks, months. And then you see it on TV and it's a woman who looks exactly like you. And you're like, cool. Okay. So you did like me, but you didn't want me. And I don't know.

It's like when you go on a date with a dude who ends up dating someone who looks just like you. And you're like, okay. Then it's like personal and it's something about me oh my god wow but yeah like dating is auditioning yes that's it romantically and career-wise that's exactly that's all you're doing you're just asking people to be like am i okay yeah do you like me is this good enough person am i funny and talented i suck suck your dick. Hard money. You would say in any of these situations, you're like, a network show? I'll suck your dick.

Marriage? I'll suck your dick. You're just constantly going to be like, I'll do it. I'll do anything. Anytime you can put sucking of the dick on the table. Suck it. It's available. It's just so, dating in LA, I think, also is just hard.

Yeah, it's so bad. Everyone's a fucking actor. Everyone has goals. Everyone wants to talk about their goals. Yeah. Even in a fucking Uber, people are like, I do other things. And I'm like, I don't care. You're driving me around.

Right. I don't have to listen to a cab driver be like, I have other things going. No, you're driving me. Just drive. Right, right. Cab drivers would not be that engaged. Me personally, I feel like dating in L.A. is just, it hasn't been, it has not been the best thing. I knew it was off to a bad start.

It was like my first Tinder date, specifically. We met up. We went to this Pinchy's Tacos on Sunset. I was like, all right, cool. This is great. You know, getting some tacos. Very affordable. met up we went to this pinchy's tacos on sunset and was like all right cool this is great you know getting some tacos very affordable uh we get there and um i guess i get there before her she comes in like hey what's going on we're talking i'm from chicago she's from detroit like oh this

we're vibing she stops the conversation midway's like hey i'm sorry i hate to interrupt um do you is your family like from like some sort of wealth of some sort like like have a background of wealth of any sort and i'm like what uh no not not really they my parents they work in medicine a little bit but not i'm nothing crazy like okay i was just just curious i thought she was doing a bit but like no she was dead serious and so we're still talking and everything and we're going. And she stopped me again and was like, hey, again, sorry to stop you. And this was earlier in the year, last year. It was just like, I'm really trying to like set certain intentions and go for myself.

And I'm trying to hold myself to a certain standard. So like, if you're not in like a certain like bracket, like a tax bracket break i'm not necessarily sure that we can probably continue and it's nothing against you it's just like i'm just trying to be upfront about my and this was early in the year when it's like new year new me you know what i mean she's trying to get herself together and i was like i just started laughing i was like i'm i'm sorry i i do not have the uh load of money to just shower on you and she left she left she ended up leaving and i'm eating these tacos like what the fuck just happened like it was the weirdest thing i ever experienced in my life that is wild yeah to be like are you in a certain tox sprocket yeah is she black was she black she

was the beautiful lightest of shade shout out to light skin uh no no no shade um just uh hey you guys make it really man that's wild i mean to be honest i don't want to date a broke dude but that's real yes that's real i don't want to date a broke guy that's very real i travel so much for work so like if i'm going to be in denver for the weekend doing shows i want you to be able to come to denver to hang out with me because we can go on a hundred mini vacations a year so like i mean yeah that's understood but it's like i mean date one though like up the gate date one is wild and then to ask about your parents money i know that's how

that really got me it's crazy because she is she like what is it like long goal they're gonna die soon and we get the money are we good like just as insurance just in case like that's wild to me but like if a dude has a bunch of roommates and, like, has a shitty job and, like, doesn't know what he wants to do, I can't. That makes sense. I don't have time for it. Yeah. I don't want to go on dates with you and then have to, like, pay for everything. I don't.

Like, I had one guy who I was like, come to New York. I'm in New York for a fucking month and I'm miserable. I want you to come see me. And he was like okay and then he's like oh i don't know i don't know if i have the money and i was like i'll pay for it and then i had a hotel room that was like uh paid for by the production yeah and i was like and you'll sleep in my hotel so it was like a fucking free trip and it was just like and then i mean the whole relationship imploded before he could come out. But it was just, it was so dumb that I had to be like, I'll pay for it.

You can use my miles. Yeah. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. It just, yeah. It's like. Yeah. If you are poor, but you have goals, and I can see that you are making steps to the goals. Okay.

Right. I can deal with that. I can work with that. Like if you like talk about like, it's just like dating a poor dude. Sometimes they get too comfy. They're just like, Oh,

you'll just pay for this. And you stop saying thank you. And you stop pretending that you'll pay me back. Yeah. Yeah. I feel. Yeah. But on the, on the other end, like, I'm not, and it sounds so chauvinistic for me to say, like,

dating a broke girl is, like, it's weird because, like, broke women can be, like, you're supposed to do this. Oh, yeah. You're the man. So, like, aren't you supposed to pay for me? And it's just like, I mean, I guess. No, bitch. And we'll, like like use my masculinity against

me you know what i mean like this is what you know manhood is right i mean you've got this so you asked me out so why i always like do you pay half or do you pay for always always pay for it always and i don't want even when i don't because it hurt i don't know i can't i can't i don't know what else to do my friend he told he told me a new thing. He was like, hey, this is what you need to do. You need to take him out for coffee and already have a date planned out. That way, based off the coffee, if you're still feeling her, you guys can go ahead and go do the right thing. Smart, smart, smart.

I always, whenever the bill, well, I do a weird thing when the bill comes. I always grab it and go, guess how much? It's my favorite thing to do. Price is right rules when you're in a group. Whoever is the closest without going over wins. Wins what? Nothing. Because we all just pay the bill.

It's just something stupid that I like to do. So I always grab it first. So then I always throw down a card. Because I'm not going to make you pay for everything. But then it's like if you get the movie tickets or whatever, that's sweet. That's nice. I don't understand why a man has to pay for it i don't at this point in time in 2017 like we all out here grinding jesus we all have

we all have debit cards thank you just like it and a dude paying for a meal doesn't mean he likes you it just means he's been taught to do that. But then it's just like, I don't want you to be the woman that's like, no, I am independent. No man pays for me. I open my own door. Like, if a dude opens a door for you, yay. That's nice. Right.

Like, if he's paying for me, like, whatever. Like, what I would like is down the line surprise me with a trip okay so you like gifts so you like gifts i do yeah i like gifts uh but like down the line like i don't need you to front shit up top yeah like i just want to get to know you get it going get a good rapport and then it becomes what's important to me is when i'm close to somebody it's like we don't keep track of money i paid for this sometimes you pay for this sometimes like you pay for like me and my best friends this year we don't i don't we have like a running tab i have no idea how much money we owe each other but it's just like give and take give and take

like my old roommate jen i have like we years years and years and years of us just being like oh i think you paid for that last time i'll pay for this now or i don't know like it's just like my money is her money that's like that matters more to me like getting to know someone and then just like being like our money is ours yeah we're doing this yeah not to fucking pay for my goddamn steak dinner because you notice bitch got steak and lobster and a dessert. You know this bitch's bill's all $100. Right. I'll pay for it.

You don't have to pay for it. Nicole, Jesus, where you come from, girl? They need to start making more Nicoles because they're not out here. They're not out in the world. They're not out in LA specifically. It's honestly common sense. A dude paying for a meal that's 20, 30 bucks doesn't mean he's going to take care of you.

Thank you. What can I do? The $20? I would say opening a door is nicer. Opening a door and then holding the small of your back and pushing you in the doorway. Door. That's nice. How do you feel about the car?

You don't have to get out. Okay you can like open the door from the inside that's like a nice gesture but after you do it once you never have to do it again i know that you cared once as long as i know you cared one time if you try one time i'm good just if you look nice one time i'm good like you don't have to because after like a month or two it's like i don't know we're all dumpster people like yeah we what are we pretending what's the end goal yeah one of these days i will see you shitting in a toilet and i'll be like oh this is bad you're gonna hear me fart at some point like i get bloated when i drink a lot of beer so a fart will be coming yes and i think it's just like, the sooner you cut down on the presentation of it all,

the better, for me at least. For sure. I don't know, and then I just don't believe in archaic things. I make my own money, so I don't need a dude to provide for me. And I know that that's probably going to emasculate a lot of dudes, but that's just where I'm at. What is emasculating about that? Well, some men like to take care of women.

Oh, yeah, they are. I've actually recently I went to a wedding and I saw my ex there and she's dating a guy who's like that. And he's just like, my woman got it. But they're like assholes, though. It's like as a woman, I get why you would want that. But those guys are just like, they think women are beneath them because they're doing that. You know, in like a subconscious state. And that's so weird to interact with dudes like that. We're just kind of like, no, my woman's at home cooking.

Yeah. The first time a man ordered for me at a restaurant i was like i can talk i swear i can talk i don't know why he did that i i chose what i wanted then he started saying it i could tell you like it that it was i was floored i don't remember how old i was when that happened but i was like whoa and then it happened a couple more times and i was like i guess i just have to talk first as soon as he comes over i have to go i, I want this. It's just, I don't. Oh, the fish and chips. Fish and chips.

Fish and chips. Nicole, that's not what you said earlier. That's what I'm saying. I once got mistaken for a hooker. Okay. I was out to dinner with my manager because I was moving here and we were like celebrating it. And we were at Ruby Foods in Times Square. And I don't even know if he remembers this, but he like ordered for me.

And I was like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I was like, this is weird. I can talk. And then I was like, can I have wine? And he was like, you can have wine. And then the server was like, oh, you're going to get wine tonight? And I was like, what's happening? And he was like like i'm sure you'll get a lot more tonight too and i was like no and i was like the server said that really yes oh my god and then i was like oh my word and my

manager was just like and i wanted to be like i don't was he playing it up? I was like, I think he thinks we're like dating. Your marriage is like, oh, I know. Well, then later he got the bill. And I was like, because it was like one of the first times we'd actually been out to eat because we've been working together for a little bit. But like nothing was actually happening. There was like no reason for us to like go out and celebrate. Yeah. And the bill came and I was like, do I have to pay for any of this? He was like, no, the company pays for it.

And I was like, ooh, nice. I love when people spend money on me. And the server's like, I'm sure he'll spend more money on you later. And I was like. Okay, server, you need to back up. My manager was just like, I don't know what he thought was happening. But I was like, this server't know what he thought was happening. Definitely. But I was like, this server definitely thinks I'm a hooker.

I'm like a black woman with like a bad wig and I'm with this like older white man. This server definitely thinks I'm a hooker. Well, I mean. No, he did. Because then I went to this restaurant, Mastro's, here. Mastro's here and I literally saw a young woman in a bad wig with an older man who was just laughing at all the things he said that weren't funny and I was like this is definitely a hooker john situation because she was like can I get it to go back and I was like bitch is hungry she's trying to take everything she can from this restaurant oh my god Mastro's have youestro have you ever had the lobster mashed potatoes

yeah oh no I thought you were talking about the appetizer the lobster that's like in fucking

butter soup and then they put fucking bread in it and it's like garlic bread you gotta get the mashed potatoes

though that shit is amazing and then the butter cake oh I haven't had the butter cake I can't remember what I had

you will have you will come so hard in that fucking restaurant I swear to god you have, you will come so hard in that fucking restaurant. I swear to God. You have to, you will come so, you have no clue.

You will squirt all across Maestro's and Beverly Hills as soon as you take a bite of that butter cake. Daddy butter cake. I mean, I swear. I only really come over one thing and it's ooey gooey butter cake ice cream from Ample Hills Creamery. It's my favorite ice cream. They're in Brooklyn, and they started shipping on Amazon, and I legit thought about writing a letter to the company

begging them to not ship on Amazon because I thought that they were expanding too quickly and that they wouldn't keep up with the demand that's putting them out of business. And I was like, I can't risk them going out of business.

And so she was like, you have to find a hobby. You cannot write these people a letter. So you just went past a devoted customer to a consultant of restaurants to let you know, hey guys, your business model is not what you think it is. You need to stop while you're ahead. They keep opening

shops and I'm like, you expand too fast and you're not keeping up the quality and the hype goes down. Then you're stuck with paying rent and you're not meeting your demand. I just got like really like upset about it i'm literally i don't know i'm like a cartoon character no it's great the other day i thought

i was falling and i you know how people like in cartoons are like and they like wave their arms i thought i was falling and i like waved my arms i was like yeah but it turns out there was a wall literally behind me, and if I had fallen, I would have been fine. And then for you to complete, you were like, phew! Yeah, more or less. That was a close one. It's a sheer. She was right there. She was like, what?

Suddenly a piano fell on Nicole's head. I mean, yeah, I'm just a little cartoon. I'm a little cartoon, baby! So Tinder's not great for you. No, it's not. Bumble. Has Bumble been a better experience? Bumble's little cartoon baby. So Tinder's not great for you. No, it's not. Bumble. Has Bumble been a better experience? Bumble's booming, baby.

It's like, when you see that number. I don't know what it is. When you see that number of people who already, this locked in number of ladies who already want you, it's just like, validation is here. What it shows you who you already matched with? Okay, if you pay, it'll tell you exactly who it is.

It will show them ghosts, but it'll say like 15 people today have liked you. Now it's up to you to find out who those 15 people are. And you can kind of go back and be like, oh, this person I said no to, all of a sudden the number goes down.

Oh. So, yeah. So, I am on Bumble, and I do men. Do you know of men? You know how, like, dudes just swipe right on everybody on Tinder? My cousins like that. And then, like, weed them out? Do you think there's dudes like that on Bumble?

Yeah. I've watched my cousin just, like, swipe right to everybody on Bumble. Like, what are you doing? Why are you, like, hey, man, just got to. Got to get those numbers up. Got to get those numbers those numbers it's so bad and then also they're trying you're trying to figure out who are the girls that said yes to you so you can then be in the position to choose like who am i gonna say yes or no to you know because i have bad luck i match a lot on bumble and then i'll message these dudes these beautiful witty things and they won't

they won't respond well I will say this Bumble gives you 24 hours after like the first message is given so I know there's been like days where I've been like super busy I've just been all over LA and then I just haven't been able to respond now we are given the option to reopen

the conversation with a gif like hey sorry like some cat like i'm back or something like that but yeah once it's like i'm just like i'm sorry you know i mean i i don't know how to make dating easier and oh this is another thing i will say women are like men on on these dating apps because now that they are behind, that I've gotten in touch with, now that they're behind their phones, they can say whatever the fuck they want. And all I got to do is unmatch you and then it's gone forever. So women will straight up say, hey, Warren, I like how you look. Let's have sex tonight.

That's it. I really genuinely, I don't want to get to know you. I don't want to know what you're about, where you're you look like someone i want to have sex with let's just have sex are you cool with it i'm like yeah what no like is this what this feels like being at the bar and like yeah what women deal with well i do that sometimes sometimes okay see oh we found one y'all nicole is I mean, it's not surprising. I'm holding a giant dildo in my first picture on Tinder. I remember that.

I use Tinder sometimes as a dating thing, but then sometimes I'm like, oh, this person's really dumb. Maybe I'll just fuck them tonight. So that's what I do. It's either like, I'm talking to you. If it's going well, sure. I'll go out with you.

We'll have a drink. We'll go to dinner. But for the most part, it's like, Jesus Christ, like this other, this guy I slept with like a year ago. Cause it's been a long time.

Uh, he was like, I'm a DJ in Pasadena. And I was like, that's a sentence I've never heard. And he didn't get the joke. I was like, I didn't know there was clubs in Pasadena.

So he just like, DJs are in Pasadena so he just like if you're a DJ why do you want to live in Pasadena I don't know but like he said dumb like he was just so dumb and I was just like ugh I'm just gonna fuck you and there's this other guy who kept using he kept using this like

purple devil emoji for everything. The smiling one? Or there's two? One's the smiling one. Yeah, like the smiling one who's like, I'm a little purple devil. And I was like, anybody who uses that emoji so liberally is so dumb. So I was like, I guess I just have to fuck you.

His name was Keon. He had a weird fucking name. He was white? He was white. He was white. Yeah, fuck a lot of white dudes. A white guy with a name Keon. He had like a weird fucking name. He was white? Black? He was white. He was white. Yeah, fuck a lot of white dudes. A white guy with the name Keon.

Keon. But Keon thought he was black. Oh, God. My favorite men are white men who think they're black. They're like, yo, girl, listen. This is what like. Your body's banging. I'm going to do to you.

I'm going to fuck your fat ass. Those guys I always think like, you've tried out the N-word once. Like, you want to see what it tastes like in your mouth. You not once. Every night before bed in the mirror. All right, here's my Messiah. I'm a Messiah. I'm a Messiah.

Okay. Night-night. Night-night, shorty. I see this guy so perfectly. He's got a beater on, a wife beater on. Yes, there was one guy who came over to my house wearing a wife beater baggy jeans and Timbs

and I was like what are we in New York? why the fuck are you wearing Timbs? we're in the desert and I've never seen an LA dude in Timbs it's a very east coast thing and I was like this is like you not understanding west coast black people it was nuts and uh

he didn't take off those tims oh he fucked me and those tims what he sure did wait did he take the pants off and then put the tims back on or the where the pants is down okay i just remember looking and i was like yo i can't take off my tims are in my black man creed 365 i was like, yo, I can't take off my Tims, yo. His Tims are in my bed. Black Man Creed 365. I was like, what? So you can't take off the Tims, yo. Here's the thing about black people. The Tims suction to their feet, and they can't take them off. It keeps us going in bed. His name was Chris, and he wouldn't leave my house. So then I just started FaceTiming my friend while he was laying next to me.

And he was like, cool, cool move. Wait, you wanted him to get up and leave? Yes. Damn, Nicole is dirty out here. See, I'm apparently like, hey, this is what I committed to for the rest of the night. No. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to say I have to go out.

Get out of my house. The minute you leave my pussy, get out. I would love nothing more than a nice deep dicking he comes i come he looks at me and i go leave and he says yes yeah as opposed to me smiling and being like this okay wow leave leave my home and i can't tell you how many times i've like gone home with someone from a bar fuck them and then be like see you later and they're like what you're not gonna stay nah bro we did it and they're like thank you geez that's wow so like is what is like sex to you now is it like do you think it's like i don't know if we're getting too deep real quick but like is it like uh you know like uh you know how people like say

fucking versus making love is have you do you still have the making love still in you i don't know if i've ever made love to someone okay i've i've fucked people uh but I've never I've never been in love with someone I've had sex with you've never been in love with someone you've had sex with have you been in love? no

have you been close? no I've been infatuated with people and I've had feelings that like I care about you. Yeah. And I've had someone say they loved me and I went, that's nice. Wow. What in your, when that happened, what triggered in your brain to be like, nah, I can't say

this shit back. Well, we were like fucking and he was like, I love you. And I was like, well, you're inside me. That's wild. Like, sure. Yeah. For right now for right now you love me shit and then he said it at a restaurant and i went to the bathroom and then immediately after like i love you he was like well no i do love you because i was like you because he's okay so he said i love you while he was fucking me and he said i love you like when we were like in bed together and then we went to like this

restaurant and I was like, you said you loved me. And he was like, I do. And I was like, okay, well I have to go to the bathroom. And then I think that was only three times he said it,

but like he didn't love me and I knew he didn't love me and I knew he was saying it in a manipulative way. So I was like, I'm not, I'm not doing that oh so yeah i've never been in love okay um i also we don't know each other at all but i'll tell you this i have like intimacy issues i have two dead parents um my godmother's uh one of my godmothers is dead uh my grandmother's dead my grandpa's dead my aunts keep dying so like people keep dying in my life so like i have issues where i'm like well

what's the point of getting close to people they all just gonna die which is like not fun but i mean that's just like my life and then i get close to dudes that I meet and then they like ghost me so I'm like you're not dead but like it's the same thing happening over wow so that's not cool no it's not but your girl's in therapy Mary's helping

me out honestly Mary's a fucking godsend I I don't know what I would do without Mary. And shout out to my friend Marcy for finding Mary for me. Marcy was like, you've got issues. I found you a therapist.

Go to her. And I was like, thank you. I have so many questions, but like, I don't want to get. You can. Should we? Just like, well, how do you like, you've got so much weight on your shoulders. Like you've got this show, we're doing this podcast.

And for you to carry around that, uh, also sidebar, you're a black woman living in America, um, in Hollywood, this crazy town. That's a lot.

Like, I feel like you just, I just want to hug you right now. That's not fair. but that's wow. It's so, I'm just, it's hitting me all at the same time because it's like the worst shit possible is happening to you and also the best shit possible is happening to you at the same time. It's so fucking weird.

It is weird. My life has always been a lot of ups and downs. Like anytime I've ever booked something or gotten good news, I've never been around people. And I'm like, I want to celebrate with somebody. I don't, I guess I'll be by myself, which is like also a weird thing.

I also don't, I don't enjoy things. Like I don't enjoy success. I don't enjoy when things happen. Like when my show got picked up, my manager, my agent called me. And I was just like, okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

And then my manager called me and was like, well, aren't you happy? And I was like, yes. And he was like, okay. And I was like, okay. Bye-bye. So what did you feel on the inside? Were you on to what's the next thing I need to do? I was excited, but I also knew in the back of my head people take things away from people so like i was super proud of the first season of my show was really excited about it and i was like it's getting

great feedback people are writing nice stuff about it we'll get a season two and then it got canceled and i was like and i wasn't on to the next i wasn't thinking ahead yeah and i was like fuck i never want to be put in that position again i never want to get comfortable with anything else again because things just get taken from you so i like i mean that's one way of looking at it another way is that hey this is only the beginning of what is more sure but if i don't keep doing things things won't happen and then yeah i got a lot of stuff on this is beautiful this is i mean you're not i feel like you're not dealing with anything different you know than a lot of other people you know sure yeah like my sister's different she will shut down she shuts down and then gets into a routine. Her routine is what keeps her comfortable

and keeps her feeling safe. Me, on the other hand, I'm like, well, I can't get too comfortable and I don't want to ever feel safe. I have to keep doing things that make me have to work. Like I just bought a house, so I'm like, I can't stop working ever. I have to work for the rest of my life to pay off this fucking house not necessarily no i mean you'll get to a point

i feel like you know once you get that season three money baby house paid for season four holla at me come on now it's coming i know it's got to you're too fucking talented for that not to happen hey that's nice thank you oh my bad, my bad. The words affirmation, I'm doing. It's true, though. Well, okay, here's, I think this is why I don't like words of affirmation. You're beautiful. Okay.

Beauty is subjective. So I don't know if you're actually telling me the truth. You're talented and funny. It's also subjective. Are you saying that because other people have said it and it's been validated, or do you actually think that? That's like when we're on a set and the director is like great job i'm like is it you know after a show at like ucb and everybody's like oh my god so good oh my god you're amazing

oh my god you're so great you're so talented yes that same thought came into it would always come to my mind of just like are you are they just bullshitting me right now like why are they you know more than likely i was the only black guy on the stage are they just saying that because i'm a minority and they have to feel free like this is my one black doing you know today but then i was like oh that's not fair like they probably genuinely enjoyed an experience that they've never seen in their life i see this shit all the time 24 hours a day seven days a week on the car in the car at home the bathroom, in my sleep. But here I am saying that, hey, you're not supposed to feel that way on this experience that I just provided you.

You're wrong. And I don't want to I don't want to do that. Yeah. I try very hard to just take the compliment. Just go. Thank you. Thank you very much. OK, because it is nice. And I this is this sounds like a humble brag, but like Girl Code, the show that I was on

that like, you know, kind of, it was like my, my break. It's what people know me from. And it was an overnight thing where one day people knew me at UCB and that's about it to having a hundred thousand like Instagram followers and like teen girls and malls being like, you're funny. I love you. And I, it was just like very overwhelming and people teen girls in malls being like, you're funny. I love you. And I, it was just like very overwhelming and people would like ask me for pictures.

And then I started touring colleges and like people would kind of mob me sometimes. And then I'd be like, I don't do that. I don't take pictures. I don't do it. I don't want to. And I don't want to talk to people.

But then I like thought about it and I was like, okay, you just have to put a different face on and put away your demons in your mind they're like you're not actually funny people are just they just like you because like someone else told you told them to like you or whatever so now i'm like i'll take a picture with anybody who asks and i will talk to anyone who wants to talk to me because they liked what they saw enough to make an effort to talk to me because it is an effort it is an effort to talk to someone that you think is funny yeah like yeah i've i like i don't know if i ever got to speak to monique like

it would be genuine to be like you have shaped my comedy like you are who i looked at to be like yeah you're a big black woman talking about getting your pussy eaten that's funny to me that's what i want to do absolutely so i don't know what were we talking about i didn't take my add medicine today tinder it's an amazing app make sure you download it guys bumble also okay so here's well i guess i have my answer because i always ask my guests i go oh would you date me or why won't you date me but you would date me because you swiped right on me. Actually, I don't know. Can I say something?

Yes. I can answer the question for myself. Yeah, I guess I'd date you. You're cool. You're just, yeah, you're cool. I know I feel like looking at it would be like, it's going to be some work. It's going to be some time where it would be like, oh, that Nicole talking that's like that's some shit she's going through right now so I'd have to humble myself a whole lot but then it would also bring about stuff it would be like an awareness piece

for me too it's like well Warren why do you feel that way and it'd be very interesting so yeah I'd be down for the challenge yeah so what was your intention with your first message my intention was really just to like strike up a conversation like i have done the whole like oh my god look at this person i'm thinking about babies with this person we can probably have three maybe four babies do you want children i do want children we'll never work out oh okay i don't want any children zero no i bought a really nice house and i don't want children to fuck it up okay they break shit you're gonna change that maybe that's what people say i'm 31 yeah you still got some time

no we're still in the beginning your eggs go bad your ovaries fall out your uterus dries up your cervix fucking bottoms out what's the thing beyonce well, no, Beyonce didn't do it. I mean, it's just, it's rumored. The people, what the celebrities get. Oh, a surrogate? No, not surrogate. Oh, in vitro? In vitro. Why, you get twins, right?

No. I, here's the thing. I do not want a baby. Goo goo ga ga. I have to bring it everywhere? I can leave my dogs at home in a crate. No baby at all? You can't do that with a baby you have to pay someone to hang out with that thing

no one's gonna do it for free I don't have parents to take care of a baby so like I just bring them to my parents house my parents are dead so like I'd have to go find their ashes somewhere and fucking leave the baby there and then people will be mad about that because I left the baby with dead people

and then this is so weird to laugh at And fucking leave the baby there. And then people will be mad about that because I left the baby with dead people. And then. This is so weird to laugh at. And I can't. I won't do this. You can laugh at it. No, no, no, no. No. No.

Like, people say, like, I don't know. People don't want to laugh at tragedy. But, like, when we emptied or spread my dad's ashes, we were fighting over who would do it. And I snatched it out of my sister's hand. I was like, I'll fucking do it. And as I sprinkled him, a big gust of wind came, and he blew in my mouth. And then my grandmother, I've never seen her laugh harder than that moment.

And then I was like, my dad's in my mouth! My dad's in my mouth! It was awful. My mouth was full of dead person ash. Full of it. There's, like, so much dark humor that goes goes into it and i can't talk about it on stage yet because i'm trying to it's hard oh yeah i'm trying to conquer talking about being fat because people feel bad for you so that's what i'm doing first and then i'll get to my dead daddy being in

my mouth i don't in my opinion you like you and I've noticed that too. I was born in Chicago. Where in Chicago? Southside, Hyde Park. That's where my sister lives. Really? Yeah, my grandparents,

yeah, she lives in Hyde Park. She lives in like 57th and like Lakeshore Drive. Oh, wow, yeah. And then my grandparents.

We were like 51st and Ellis. Okay. Yeah. My grandparents live at like 91st and Stoney Island. What?

That's where my grandparents live Take that Jeffrey Express downtown What you know about it? Dan Ryan Chicago stand up Chi-Rex stand up Chi-City They live on like Euclid

Euclid and Okay What is that? I don't fucking know It's in the hood Oh yeah Okay And then let's see

My aunt lives on like Halstead and 107 Okay By the park. Nicole, you are in the hood for real. Oh yeah, the fucking hood. To the point where I didn't think white people lived in Chicago

and when white people would say, oh I'm from Chicago, I'd be like, you're obviously from a suburb. Exactly. And then two years ago, three years ago, went to the north side and was scandalized. I was like, they are here. it is the most successfully segregated city it is the number one segregated city it's so ridiculous every time i meet a white person who's like i'm from chicago too it's like i have no clue where they're from

no they're from the north side or old town you know where the cove girl yeah wicker park we'd like to go get our vegan blueberry muffins there and Yeah, it's wild. But I don't, this is going to sound awful. I hate Old Town. I hate the North Side. I love the South Side. Me too, Nicole. Come on. Just like real and visceral.

The North Side seems so Hollywood. So like fake. It's not real. There are so many genuine, real ass, like really real people living in the South And people will just like tell you what's up. And my, so like when Trump says things like, I'm going to send the National Guard in and people are killing each other. I'm like, well, honestly, all you have to do is like fund public schools there because

nobody joins a gang because of too many after school activities thank you nobody's fucking running the streets at night because they have to wake up and take a test in the morning because they're at a good school where teachers care about them it's like you kind of have to like go backwards and start like at the root of the problem but it's like well you don't want to do that because they're all black and you want to keep them at a disadvantage what a wild twist this podcast has taken great we've touched on a lot we did okay so do you have anything that you want to plug uh sure i mean every sunday come on down to the groundlinks theater i'll be performing there in the sunday company uh look out for me in the new at&t commercial mcdonald's commercial

that's cool i love how you said the new AT&T commercial and the new McDonald's commercial like they roll out a new one once a year they're like the new season of commercials is coming here they come

you're gonna get one for this month the all new season one commercials of these huge corporations but no I'm just around and then

hopefully on some other show oh don't do that Warren thank you so much for being here thank you so much thank you so much it's been such a true treat um if you listen to this podcast on itunes and you really liked it i want you to rate it five stars and along with your rating if you hit on me or say something very sexually disgusting, I will read it aloud on the next podcast. An example is, I want to cut up your chocolate pussy pie and eat it.

Or, oh man, I want to squeeze your titties and twist off the nip. Or, baby girl, I want you to back that ass up. You a big fine woman, I want you to back that ass up into my dick fine woman I want you to back that ass up into my dick one more usually I read them but I couldn't find enough to read so I'm just spitting them off the dome here's another one

I want to stick my fingers so deep in your butt you become a puppet and that's what the puppet would sound like with that laugh that's great thank you so much nicole this has been an Team Coco production.