Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Fappening (w/ Dan Black)

Episode Date: March 29, 2018

What if shit actually tasted great, and that's why people eat ass? Dan Black (UCB Comedy, The Comedians of Wrestling Podcast) is on the show to ask the real questions. Nicole introduces Dan to butt-stuff, details her sexual encounter word doc she keeps, and talks about the effects of the 2004 Fappening. This episode is a wild one and you don't want to miss it. Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! I'm Nicole Byer and this is my podcast It's called Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where I'm trying Byer and this is my podcast It's called Why Won't You Date Me It's a podcast where I'm trying to figure out How I'm still single

Even though I love sex And I love men And they make me happy My guest today is wonderful You know him from Tween Fest Donald Trump's The Art of the Deal The Movie Trying, Relationship Goals Dub, Hashtag Size Matters Men Make a Choice, Comedy Bang Bang from tween fest donald trump's the art of the deal the movie trying relationship goals dub side

hashtag size matters men make a choice comedy bang bang ucb originals fear town usa cubed boystown the new brooklyn nets 4 30 in the morning show movies in real life commentary on college humor originals improv everywhere new york culture catalog chris gethard public access show in a new york minute party on the 49th floor u, UCB Live, Just Originals, Miss Connections, Stiff Jobs, Two Girls, One Cup, The Show, and the UCBWS Tony Goodtimes. We have Dan Black! Wow. I have a question. I don't know anything about that Two Girls, One Cup thing.

You don't? Look, I'll do anything for money. Sure. I was in a recreation of Two Girls, One Cup. Yeah. don't? Look, I'll do anything for money. Sure. I was in a recreation of Two Girls, One Cup. Yeah, as Sleazy Ted. That seems like the stuff I book. Yep. It probably happened.

Sleazy Ted, Pimp One, a man named Tito in a Just Original. Yeah, that I know about. That I know about. I love that you don't know about Two Girls, One Cup, the show. I honestly don't know what that is. Well, it was a show that you were on about Two Girls, One Cup. I don't think I was on that. I don't think I was.

I don't know, man. It's on your IMDB professional page. It was cool, and you're reading that down, and you're like, yeah, I've done a lot of stuff. It was a lot of fun stuff I did. Those were my memories. If I died right now, I'd be like, that was good. We went through all of your professional memories. That was an okay life.

I think maybe once a day, all actors should go on IMDb and read their resume out loud. Do you think when actors die, instead of their life flashing before them, their parts? It's just parts. It's just their under fives. Oh, their under fives. That would be so funny. That's great. So, fives. Oh, they're under fives. That would be so funny. That's great. So Dan Black.

That is great. You are a married man. Yeah. I was at your wedding. I apologize for not bringing my wife. I know. No, it is fine. She was the main attraction.

I get it. She was not the main attraction. You've made it clear. You've made it clear. Well, I was just, I also, if I was going to like invite both of you to be on it together, I would have emailed both of you. Right, right, right. But instead I just, I was like texting you and I be on it together, I would have emailed both of you. Right, right, right. But instead I just, I was like texting you and I was just like, if she can come, she

can come. Oh yeah, yeah. We'll come back with her. We'll, we'll, cause I can, yeah, anyway. I don't know how to conjugate. I don't know what I'm doing. We'll come back with her. So I was at your wedding.

It was a lovely, beautiful ceremony. Your mom looked incredible. Jamie's mom looked great. Everyone looked great. I don't know why I picked those two people to say they looked great. Your mom is so funny. Your dad is also so funny. Your family's great. I love them.

But you and Jamie have been dating since I've known you in New York. So that's like six years, seven years? How long have you guys been together? It's like seven years. Where did you meet? You's like seven years. Okay. Yeah. Where did you meet?

You met at a show. We met in LA, actually, even though we both lived in New York, actually. We were guests on a podcast. Really? I swear. In Nicole Shabtai's old house. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was Rob Stern's podcast.

It was called Pass the Carrots. Jamie was herself being interviewed as a stand-up. And then I came on and played a character. But the weird thing about it is that I wasn't... I had a very loose invite to be on the show. You know what I mean?

Kind of like Jamie today. And I kind of was in traffic and wasn't sure I was going to make it. I was staying in Santa Monica. By the way, this is my first time ever coming to LA. I'd never stepped foot. Why were you staying in Santa Monica?

Because I was staying with my friend and I had no idea how far the things I needed to do were. Sure, sure, sure, yeah. You didn't know that everything you were going to do was going to be on the east side? Well, first thing I did, I got off the plane and I got in a taxi to go to my friend Nicole's house where I would eventually meet my wife, my future wife at this point. You follow that?

Yeah. And that was kind of descending, but fun. I'm following, Dan. Yeah, yeah. Are you picking up on this? I'm picking up what you're putting down. Okay. So I get in the taxi and I'm like, all right, we'll be there.

And yeah, the taxi ride was, I think, $150. I probably landed during, I had no idea. I just kept watching it go up and go up. Hey, how close are we? What is it? Because it was metered, you know? And literally, it's like, what is this? And I had no idea how sprawling alley it was.ered, you know? And literally, she's like, what is this? And I had no idea how sprawling LA was.

I knew nothing. So I went there, and I had my first meal in LA, which was at the Mustard Seed Cafe. Mustard Seed's great. A classic. They've since renovated since that first time you went. They have since renovated. They're now in a beautiful glass in front of the register. It's beautiful.

They have a spit guard for the register now. Beautiful. And, yeah, so then I was, yeah, staying in Santa Monica, so I was stuck in, I stayed there and I had to come back to Nicole's house because that's where a couple people from the show I was doing were here staying. It was for the NYPD sit down and shut up variety hour. Yes, a UCB show that ran from 2008 to 2010. Yeah, it ran for a long time. It's still running? It's still running, and they're just switching out the cast.

I come back, I do it, you know. The longest running UCB show off, off, off, off, off, off, off Broadway. I wonder what the longest running UCB show would be. ASCAP? I don't know. It's probably ASCAP, right? It is ASCAP. It wasn't as interesting as I hoped.

No, it's ASCAP because that's one of the first shows they did and it's still going. Marquee show. Marquee show. The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater.

If you don't know what UCB means, it's where Jay and I met. Yeah, so I had this really loose invite to go there and I'm in traffic and I show up. I happened to show up

right before their recording and so I record and then and I show up. I happen to show up right before their recording and so I record and then Jamie was already there. She was the guest and I hopped in as a character that I just improvised. Do you remember the character? Yeah, yeah. I played Giovanni Domingo. Giovanni Domingo, he was the guy

who got cut from the original cast of the Jersey Shore Okay To be replaced by Snooki Okay so So he's the guy who thinks He could have been Snooki So you're

You're Vinny right now And I'm Nicole Oh no Giovanni Oh wait what's his name Giovanni Domingo Oh where did I get Vinny from Oh because you said Jersey Shore

And I thought immediately Of that Vinny man So his name is Giovanni Okay You're Giovanni And I'm gonna talk to you Yeah yeah yeah okay Hi Giovanni Giovanni. Okay, you're Giovanni, and I'm going to talk to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Hi, Giovanni, how are you?

Hey, I'm doing all right. You know, if I didn't get... Unfortunately for me, I got cut. You heard what happened to me? I got cut from the Jersey Shore. I'd be a millionaire right now. You would be a millionaire. Yeah, I wouldn't be working at Dwayne Reed.

You work at Dwayne Reed? Yeah, I work at Dwayne Reed. Are you a checkout guy or a stock guy? I do... I kind of like... I was the stock guy, and then they switched me around because they can't really give me one responsibility. Sure. Because I'm a floater.

Like, I'm a floating guy. I'm kind of like the heart of the Duane Reade, I would say. Okay. Are you single or are you dating? Right now, no. I'm looking. You are? Are you on Tinder?

Tinder? At this point, it doesn't exist. I'm looking. You are? Are you on Tinder? Tinder? At this point, it doesn't exist. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, so you're a period character. Yeah, well, I thought we were going back to that moment. Okay, notice that my voice is very similar to this. It's almost identical to your natural voice. Yeah, I actually don't, to be honest, I don't remember anything this guy said.

I don't remember. I mean, but it's in podcast form, so it this guy said. I don't remember, I mean, but it's in podcast form, so it's findable. So it is findable. It's findable. What's his name again? Giovanni Domingo. I don't know why I want to keep calling him Vinny.

Because it's Italian. Giovanni Domingo. What a funny name. Giovanni Domingo. Jamie's pussy got wet when she heard Giovanni Domingo, aka Dan Black's voice, and she's like,

I gotta date this guy. I guess that's what happened. Who asked who out? You asked her out? I think, so yeah, we were hanging out. She stayed longer at the podcast, and we were talking. She was here writing on Ridiculousness,

that MTV show. That's wild that they have writers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the most insane sentence I've heard today. Yeah, they do have writers. People are like, all right, well, this guy will fall down at this time. We'll show this clip.

Yeah. So she was writing over there, and it was her first writing job. And so she was like, yeah, I'm coming back to New York in a couple months. So then after I had sent her an email, maybe a Facebook message. But I was not big on Facebook at that point, so now I'm huge. Now you're huge. Dan Black, very big on Facebook. Very big on Facebook.

Thousands of friends. Yeah. I have so many friends. And I'm friends with all of them. Even the random people who friend me, I go out of my way to get to know them. You get coffee with them. You know them in real life, so you know them on the Facebook page. I go to their weddings.

I'll fly to a Facebook friend's wedding, a random Facebook friend's wedding. That's perfect. Friend is not a word I take lightly. So, yeah. So, yeah. So then I send her a message like, hey, when you're back in New York, let's meet up. And then when she's back in New York, she'll let me know. And then we hung out. And then that's it.

That's it. So, how long did you date before she moved in with you? You and Shebs. Hey, not to derail the question, but I want to say this. In the beginning, you're like, I don't know why I'm single. I want to say, I don't know why you're single either. It's bullshit. Well, Dan, thank you.

Thank you so much. You don't know at all? You don't have any inkling? No, you're great. You are great. Thanks, Dan. You're great. You're funny.

Yeah. You're cool. Successful. I mean, what else could you ask for? I don't know. It's just, yeah. But, all right, back to me. So I think we covered that, right?

Yeah, sure. Great. I think we covered that, right? Yeah, sure. Great. I think we finished it. We're done with the podcast. It took 11 minutes, and we're done. I'll wrap it up. You want to wrap it up? Yeah, let's wrap it up.

Do you have something you want to plug? Yeah, I'd like to plug Disappearance. I think it's some of my best work. And Comedians of Wrestling podcast, my podcast where I just dissect wrestling like a lunatic. That is wild. What do you dissect? Like matches? Is it called a match?

Yeah. A bout? A bout? No, it's a match. They're matches, yeah. I'd rather it be called a bout. And the next bout is starting in two minutes. Get be called a bout. And the next bout is starting in two minutes. Get ready for the bout. The bout is a

boxing tournament, I believe. Do you watch boxing or just wrestling? Why do you like wrestling so much? I mean, simply put, it's man theater, but we are jumping around a little bit. But I'm going to keep in mind all the questions. It's man theater. So how long did you and Jamie date before she moved in with you and Shebs?

Shebs is Dan Black's best friend. Yeah. I think we dated, we, it was probably like, I want to say like three years. You dated for three years before she moved in? Two years. It was less than that. Two years. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Something like that. years you dated for three years before she moved in two years is less than that two years yeah all right yeah something like that i don't i don't i don't have that stuff i don't have that

like the time okay so how long have you guys which up your dream you were giving me shit for what how long have you been together at this point like seven years oof that's such a long time so you missed online dating i've missed the whole boat on it which is that's why you said we're going to talk about tinder and then i'm like yo i got nothing to add to tinder although i know that like it's as someone who missed completely missed the boat on tinder like it seems like terrifying to me like that's the thing that makes me feel old yes is the thing that like i'm like not that's a technology that I have no interaction with at all. And forget the technology. Just the meetup aspect of like, hey, we're on Tinder and like then we're actually going to move it to real life.

It's just continuous blind dates where you swipe on someone. You create a false intimacy by texting or whatever because you never call anybody so you don't know if you're gonna meet them and be like hi nicole you're like great you sound like mickey mouse you just you don't know you don't know they're gonna actually look like their pictures it's uh it is you said it sounds scary and i'll confirm it is literally the most terrifying thing i mean especially for like a woman i think i would would be, I mean, I'd be scared. But I guess as a guy, I'd be scared also. Yeah, you don't know what kind of crazy woman you're going to meet.

I mean, I will say I do meet men in a location that I'm comfortable with. Right. Very rarely do I let them pick the place. I always pick the place. I try to meet them not at their homes. But sometimes you just need to chomp on a dick and you don't want dinner. So then you go to their house

and you just let someone know where you are. So, okay. I want to dissect what you just said there. Sure. You're saying sometimes you need to chomp on a dick and you don't want dinner, meaning you just said there. Sure. You're saying sometimes you need to chomp on a dick and you don't want dinner, meaning you're trying to not eat, like you're like, I'm trying to watch what you're eating, or you mean like, you're like, or you just mean like, I don't feel like going to dinner.

It means I just want to have sex with you and I don't want to go to dinner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because honestly, that would be a thing for me. I would be like, yo, right now I'm on this diet situation. Like, I'm on my diet situation like i'm on the i'm on my meal plan and she wants to eat at eight and i have to eat by seven and i'd be like i just want to chomp on that i guess pussy you would be what or dick whatever how we do it yeah well i don't i mean and then you say chomp on a dick which immediately i feel down in my penal region

sorry just being like a chomp i mean just like get it in, have it happen. But so you're saying a guy you talk to on Tinder. All right, so a guy you, no judgments, by the way. Oh, I don't care if you judge. Okay, good, then I will judge. You can judge all you want. Because I have the open door, I might as well. What's the point of judgment?

You know, free judgment if you can't use it. Please judge me. I would love for you to judge me on that. There are guys that you talk to them that night and then you just go right to their house and you fuck them? Yes. Okay. And then you never talk to them again?

Absolutely. Yeah. So, I mean, like, I guess it's the equivalent of, like, there's definitely girls when I was younger, I mean, I would talk to them at a bar. That's a one-night stand. And it's a one-night stand. Oh, there's a term for it. Yes. The bar.

Right. So what's the difference, honestly? Yeah, that's how I feel. Because I feel like some people are like, ugh, that's how that's how i feel because i feel like some people are like oh that's gross you're like fucking a stranger but it's like what do you think is happening when you meet a dude at a bar you get drunk and you go home with them i'm just taking out the expensive part of the equation yes the the the part of it that is no i don't i don't the part of it that that i guess is weird and this is probably some kind of problem with all my dating

is like i feel like i didn't have one-night stands all the time. I would have, like, a per-chance night where it was like, I met this girl, and I kind of just, like, you know. And there'd be a lot of that talk of, like, I don't normally do this routine. You know what I mean? No. Whenever people say that, I'm like, let's stop lying right now. Right. But I'm saying that, for me, it would be honest.

Like, I didn't really, like... Well, how many one-night stands have you had? I have no... I haven't kept track of any... You don't keep track of how many people you slept with? No, I have no number for that. Ooh, baby, I got a whole... Is that normal?

I don't know. I may be abnormal. I have a Word document where I describe every sexual encounter I've ever had in detail. That is unbelievable. Everyone, you know what cloud to in detail. That is unbelievable. Everyone, you know what cloud to hit next. I'm in. Look at the doc.

You know what cloud to hit next. If you want a fap, you know what cloud. Gotta get in that cloud, baby. No. Also, I'm very not cool with the fapening. What is the fapening? That's like, you know, how they get Kate Upton's pictures from her phone, you know? It's so rude.

I'll joke about it. But actually, I think it's like, I hate that. I'll judge you right now, Dan Black. I think you love it. And I think it's bad. You think I love the fappening? You love the fappening. And it's bad.

I mean, no straight guy is not going to like that. It's like, oh, I'm watching Jennifer Lawrence on TV and if I wanted, I can go look at her naked. But why would you want that? But what's up? Why would you want that? Well, because if you're sexually attracted to someone and I'm walking down a, I don't want to talk about this.

The climate's too hot. It is a little hot, but I... Why would I want it? I mean, just like, for the same reason, if you're like, yeah, why would I want it? You're saying, why would I not? It's just seeing a beautiful woman naked. Well, I've never watched someone on the screen,

watched a movie and been like, dang, why do they look naked? And then gone and googled it. That's crazy. Really? Yeah. I've never done that either, but I'm saying I've never done it, but I've been like, I've seen someone on stream be like, oh man,

great, and then you'd be like, I imagine that if I'm physically attracted to someone, that means that I would like, it probably means I would like to have sex with them, right? I just think it's super weird. It doesn't mean if I act or whatever. Like, the whole fabulating thing is weird to me because it's like, I'm going to expose this person naked and they didn't ask me to do it.

And it's like, well, why? Why? I mean, cracking into their, like, and putting it out there, it's like, that's criminal. Yeah. Yeah. Like, unless someone like unless someone unless someone has put out naked pictures for me to look at i'm truly like huh i don't really care until you're

like oh kim kardashian is naked again and i'm like okay i guess i could look at them titties again kind of the cool thing is like now they're hacks hacks that are like hacks are becoming hack you know where it's like it's just like there's people getting hacked for you. Like, all right, there's so many. You're just like, yeah, I don't really care. Like the first one was the big one, and now it feels like you don't even hear about some of them. Well, Sia was hacked,

and someone was trying to sell her butt pictures somewhere, so she just tweeted them herself, and she's like, someone's trying to sell these little butt pics, and I'll tell you something, you can look at them right now. Right. Okay. That's a good way to get ahead of it. Guess what, Dan tell you something. You can look at them right now. Right. Okay. That's a good way to get ahead of it. Dan Black, we are going to take a break right now,

and we will get back to the fappening. And we're back. What a lovely break we took. Dan Black, I'm glad you didn't fucking leave. It would have been very bad for me. Okay, I want you to look at my Tinder. I took a nap. I was in a very deep, I was in full REM.

Yeah. Full REM. Yeah, I was in full REM. I want you to look at my Tinder profile. Hey, also, can I ask you one thing from before? On that Word doc, what's the weirdest thing on the Word doc? Because that fappening came up because we were talking about hey let's get that word doc and uh on there what because you said you write

down the men you have sex with yes sexual encounters with by the way because it could be and then you write down what the acts were yes so it's broken up into people i've just hooked up with, which means just a kiss, or it's people I've slept with. The weirdest thing on it, I guess it would be when a bartender went home with me after St. Patrick's Day, and we fucked, and then right before he was like, I'm about to cum,

and I was like, okay, cum. And he pulled out, took his condom off, spider-climbed up me, and came on my face. Wow. yeah without asking isn't that that's a permission situation am I right yes yeah if you you can come on my face as long as you've asked and honestly you can't come on my face because I don't want it usually I'm wearing makeup and I don't want it fucked up wait so you just said you can if you ask but you said then you can't here's the thing if you ask and i say sure right you could do it but i'm saying me personally i'll never say yes

i'm usually wearing makeup i don't think i've ever had sex without makeup on i won't do it you mean you got to be done up for this your special day yes it's my special day i'm having sex i gotta be done up for my special day. Yeah. Like, if I'm doing a booty call, I will put makeup on before it. I think that's, like, I think that makes sense. I think it's a little insane, but. I'm saying I understand why you do it. I'm not saying that you should have to.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying, like, I would, like, do my hair, you know. I'd put a little gel in for you. Oh, that's nice. It's the effort that counts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, that's just all the ladies should know. I'm going to use a little bit of my expensive gel if I'm coming over.

That's nice. I don't care what time of night it is. You're getting my mailing goats and it's going in my hair. Sage cream in the hair, in my wisps that's nice wait let me tell you another weird thing oh yeah please do as a matter of fact feel free to share it with me move it over to the g drive and share it and then i'll you know if you want i'll go through it and maybe i'll uh well no dan because i don't trust you you'll release it to the world there was one guy i met the first time i got fingered was outside of a bar oh yeah uh when i was 18 it was outside the blarney stone by a small hispanic man really

yep uh that's it wait wait wait so he was he in the bar just a guy walking by the bar honestly he may have just been a guy walking past the bar and then how did the how did you how did the fingering get initiated? I inertiated. It was inertiated. Inertiated. Sorry. You got to break fingering inertia.

You know what I mean? You had to get that momentum going. This was the first one. Yeah. And you've been getting fingered every day ever since. I get fingered every single day. It's great. But I don't, I just remember being wasted.

And all of a sudden there was this little hispanic man and my friend evan going nicole what are you doing and we were like making out and i was like i don't know and then i looked down i was like oh his hands are down my pants oh that sucks and then i was like oh what a treat i it was it was a consensual i This sounds like it wasn't. You called him a little Hispanic, man. It doesn't sound consensual. I think it was. I think after I realized what was happening, I was fine with it. Which maybe should not have been the way that went down. He maybe should have asked.

But I don't know if he spoke English because he never spoke. Yeah, that doesn't sound right. Yeah, okay. You were probably cool with it in the moment. It was spoke. Yeah, that doesn't sound... Yeah, okay. You were probably cool with it in the moment. It was fine. Yeah, it was fine. Not everything is traumatic.

Some things are just spontaneous. They're just weird and spontaneous. There's a fine line between spontaneity and trauma. Honestly, yes. Yes, I know. That's very true. It is true.

But yeah, I mean mean but for a guy yes the trauma part doesn't exist trauma does exist for men no no i'm saying like yeah that is true no no you're you're 100 correct but i'm saying there's times in my life where if any experience i've had like that when i was like in college or whatever we're just like this is happening i don't know if i want this but i'll fuck you know what i mean all right this girl i i think there's a lot of i was talking to somebody about this and he was like the the i talked about this earlier but he said that the definition of consent has changed and i was like nah bro we just understand it better now right anytime someone's like no thanks bye bye like everything

has to stop everything has to stop. Everything has to end. I never said no to that man. I realized what was happening. It was like, this is good for me. Another weird thing is, I was making out with this guy and I had a feather. Is he in the dock? Yeah. Alright, because I don't want to hear it if it's not in the dock. No, it's in the dock. I was wearing a feather earring

and he said, I want to wear the feather earring so everyone in this bar knows that I'm yours or something. So then he wore my feather earring so everyone in this bar knows that I'm yours or something. So then he wore my feather earring all night, but then he didn't go home with me. And then he took my feather earring. Is that sexual? We made out.

We made out for a little bit. Oh, you made out. Sorry, I may not have mentioned that. I want to know, is it penetration if your earring goes through the ear of a man? Yes, I thought it was really sexual because my earring went through his hole. So that's like the way I have sex with people.

I'm trying to think of another weird thing. Why don't we just bring it up? Bring up the Google Doc. I can't. It's at home. It's a Word doc. It's a Word document. It's at home.

I got it from my computer. I love that it's at a Word doc. I'm not putting it in Google. The best part is that if someone wants to get it, they have to old school break into your house. Yes. Or turn on your computer, like Zoolander style. Go into your computer.

And the way it's labeled is not what you were thinking of. It's not like Nicole Byer's sex list. I know what it is. What do you think it is? It's listed as like stuff to do today. No, it's actually labeled I trick men. Because there's- You just told me.

Oh my God. I'm going to be like, Bill Heiser, let me in. Is she gone? No, you can't come to my house. Okay, read my Tinder profile. Okay, I love your Tinder. First off, I haven't read anything yet,

but I see that it's a picture of you. Have you described this to everyone before? Am I repeating describing it? Yeah, you're repeating it, but it's fine because I want your opinion. You're holding like a monster dildo. Yes. Like one that no one uses.

It's more of a novelty item, I would say. Unless, you know, someone uses it. I mean, we got some. I mean, if proportionally I'm seeing this thing is probably, it looks like it's like five inches around. No? Probably. Maybe more. You're holding it and you're kind of making like a sexy face towards it

but it's not deliberately a sexy face but if you look your shirt has a mouth and two eyes that are very excited a wide mouth like it's like it wants to chomp your words that's in quotes chomp on the dildo uh and the eyes literally have the like have the like spidey sense over each eyeball like oh like they want to chomp on that dick so and in the back there's a lichtenstein so i think there's a what a pop art what's it called oh it's like a roy lichtenstein painting oh lichtenstein sometimes you pull out shit that I'm like, what? How? How do you know this? Tremendously smart guy. One of the great brains.

One of the great memories. That's how normal people speak, right? Yes. One of the great memories. One of the great memories. Tremendous brain. Tremendous brain. One of the great memories.

You're speaking just like the president. That is, those are direct quotes. Tremendous. Tremendously. Big brain. One of the great memories. All right, so should I keep going through this? Please. So that's the first Tremendously. Big brain. One of the great memories. All right.

So should I keep going through this? Please. So that's the first pic I see. Yes. Okay. And then you're also wearing, I just want to say, you're wearing the wig with the curly wig. Classic Nicole. The one that I had no idea was a wig for.

Remember that when we were on Sketch? Did I pull it off and you were blown away? You took it off one time and it kind of traumatized me. I was like, that's not a hair. Because I'd watched you perform for years. You wore exclusively this one for a while. Yes, because I didn't have any money. Right.

That's the reason why I wore a wig was because I was like, I want long hair, but I don't have no money. So I spent $40 and wore it for a year. Because I was always like, I really love her hair. Obviously didn't approach you about it because I don't think a white man should be like hey what's up with your hair the last time i dealt with a black woman's hair it was a story a story phoebe told on conan really which well it wasn't oh you're the man who picked up her her extension yeah yeah yeah she was staying at my house and my dogs ate ate one of her dreads out of her hair and then i got it from him. I chased him.

I got it from him. And then I was like, hey, do you want this back? I literally didn't know. I was like, is this garbage now? I had no idea. Is this garbage now? It's very funny. It was.

I was like, you know. Anyway. All right. So then I swiped. I love that you're the man who did that. That was me. Yeah. I wish she had said your name.

I think she said my friend Jamie and she said her husband, maybe. Maybe she might. You don't have to be a nameless white man chasing another woman, chasing a dog around, trying to get a dread out of its mouth. Yeah. Especially when you're this well-known of a talent. Name him. Name him.

Exactly. He's been in 49 things on IMDB. Two girls, one cup. He was a two girls, one no dan you played tito in a just original oh yeah yeah yeah that was actually that just original i think was like when mitt romney the joke was like mitt romney's a bad guy think about how far we've come it was like Mitt Romney's an elitist, like a rich guy. And now everybody be doing bad things. Okay, wait. So I swiped another picture, but then I happened to look down.

I see your age is 28. Yeah, I can't change it. I don't know how. Facebook won't let me change it again. That's your actual age though, no? Nah, bitch. What? 30.

Oh, you're older than that? Yeah. Wait, so you can't well the reason why it was 28 was because imdb hadn't posted my age yet so i was like i'll put it younger so like maybe people will think i'm i don't know acting you don't want to be fucking old right now they think you're lying it's like i'm a liar oh that's i mean it's not a big deal it's whatever i mean you know you'll have to come clean if you find true love on here well i did like i met a guy and we went on a like we dated for like a month or two and then i was just like oh p.s my age is a lie i'm 30 and he

was like that's fine i think i explained everything to him um I'm sure that wouldn't bother me. Well, actually, you have a great story for why. It's not like, yeah. Yeah, it's not like I'm just trying to be like, I'm young. It was like, I just want the industry I'm in to not know how old I am so I don't get passed up for parts. Right. All right, so here's the part. You say, I got a fat ass.

So if you're not into it, and then the three clap emojis. No, they're bye-bye emojis, you dumbass. Oh, bye-bye. That's why I was like, that's why I was curious because I was like. They're bye-bye. I was like, why are you plotting that? Oh, no. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so. That's incredible that you don't know emojis. I mean, I do know emojis, but I haven't used the bye-bye one. Oh, well, that's why. So I probably don't know emojis. You don't know emojis? Yeah, I'm not great with emojis. Yeah, I mainly.

Well, we had a discussion. You deal in words? We had a discussion about emojis. Yeah, you wanted to use black hands. Or no, you were mad at me for using black hands. What did I say? You said something about how I can't use black hand emojis yeah that's what i said don't stop paint this like it wasn't a joke i didn't say you can't use black hands but to me yeah you were absolutely kidding it was definitely a joke was that a setting do you have to be like i want my hands to be black in the emojis you go sorry make sorry, make my hands black. No, you can like choose.

I think I'm strictly yellow. You know what I like? Would you like the neutral, whatever. Yeah, that's the neutral. The neutral. I think I haven't,

I haven't switched it to be a. If you hold down on the yellow, other colors pick it up. Like they, other colors will appear. Oh, it'll pick up on your pattern that like you always go with black?

Yes. Right. Okay. So. Okay. So I like people with a sense of humor. Humor. It's too fucking long not to laugh. That's good. I mean, these are both genuine.

Yes. This is genuine. So what's the comedy like on Tinder in this profile part? Oh, God. I gotta say, I like the layout here. Oh, thank you. People either think, they'll think they're very funny. What are you giggling at?

The next line. They just said it was genuine. And then the next line is DTF, down to figure skate or fuck or farm or fly a kite, whichever is easier. Yeah, it's funny. And I'll tell you something. Men are not funny. They, like, sometimes people will think I'm not kidding. I've had numerous people go,

there's an ice skating rink in Glendale. Do you want to, like, go? And I'll be like, yep. And they're like, okay, well, free skate is at this time. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, do you have to rent skates? Should we go a little earlier, or do you have your own? And I'll be like, yep. And they're like, okay, well, free skate is at this time. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, do you have to rent skates? Should we go a little earlier? Or do you have your own?

And I'm like, I'm kidding. I'm not a figure skater. And then I've had people be like, oh, I grew up in Wyoming and I used to farm, blah, blah, blah. It's not easy. What did you farm? And I'm like, nothing. I'm not a farmer. Yeah, that's the nightmare, I think, with...

Because, you know, I think... I mean, what's your... I don't know how much you're going to talk about this, but I imagine... I'll talk about anything. I'm saying, like, dating within comedy, how much of that do you do? Oh, boy. And within UCB specific. Because I feel like, not to sound like a weirdo, I know that that gets dicey, but then I'm

also like, those are the people I would connect with the most if I were to be a single person. So in New York, I ran through a bunch of dudes. I hooked up with a lot of guys. I never dated anyone, but like hooked up with people. Moved out here,

hooked up with some people and then kind of just stopped doing UCB as much. Like I do my weekly show and I'll do shows here and there. Right. So I don't have interactions with like the... You say when you got like Girl Code and you started being successful? Yeah. Right? Like... Yeah. So like I was...

Let me brag for you. Okay? Thank you. Although your one interest on your profile is your TV show. I know. It's because it's linked to Facebook and I can't... It's a... I don't know how to change it. I don't know Facebook. Facebook is very hard,

but I love Facebook because my show, loosely exactly, Nicole's on Facebook. So I, yeah, so I moved out here to LA, shooting Girl Code in New York, was going back and forth.

So then it was just like hard to like actually make a connection with people out here at UCB, which would have been the time for me to like get a boyfriend out of UCB or whatever. And then standups, male standups have, I won't say all of them. A lot of them have like a chip on their shoulder.

They like weren't attractive in high school, but they were funny. They weren't attractive growing up, but they were funny. So now girls will fuck them all the time because they get up on a stage and do a show. So they're not looking for a girl who looks like me or like a girl who does comedy,

a girl who's like competition or whatever. So like stand-ups, I don't think I'd ever date a stand-up. I don't think it would ever happen. Yeah. I mean, I do stand-up and I guess it's weird because my wife is a stand-up, so it's like also, everyone knows. But I also don't feel like I've even

gotten, like at shows, like talk about the show format compared to like a UCB show. Is this too specific for the podcast? No, I don't think so. I'm just saying like, I haven't met anyone where I think I can make a connection even like

i haven't seen that as as being easy no it's fucking hard people leave they go do their spot they leave they're very much like writing their notes down they go up no one watches each other no one talks about like it's very uh very rarely do uh do you like make a connection with another stand-up although i will like i feel like i have to prove myself every another stand-up? Although I will, I feel like I have to prove myself every fucking stand-up show that I do. Right. Because I'll get on stage, and then it's a little uphill battle,

and then I'll get them to laugh, and then I'll have a great set. And then a dude who's after me or who was before me was like, that was actually good. And I was like, you don't have to put the qualifier actually. You could just say it was good. Yeah. And I feel like it happens all the time.

Give me my phone back. Oh, yeah, yeah i would say i like the other pictures as well because i guess is the big thing in tinder like people posting like glamour shots yeah people want to post glamour shots uh i get weirded out by dudes who only have selfies or dudes who only have pictures with their friends because I'm like, what are you? What are you doing? And Tinder leads for a lot of judgment. Everyone's judging each other. Right. Yeah.

I think when Tinder first came out, my friends, I remember feeling so left out. I was like, my friends like going nuts on tinder and then and i wasn't like oh i wasn't like oh i wish i was single so i could do this thing but i was like this is like crazy but then now everyone has a negative attitude towards oh there was a while where everyone was like yeah it's like twitter or whatever like twitter was better before it was big and then tinder is probably the same. Twitter is just a fucking nightmare minefield of social justice warriors, then awful conservative people, and it's just wild. So you think people should meet on Facebook?

No, I'm saying I think that I know people who have been connected on Facebook. There's more of a connection if you're mutual friends on Facebook. There's more of a connection if you're like mutual friends on Facebook. Sure. It is because you're like, oh, this person's friends with this person. So it's kind of like vetting them. Is there any app that you, I'm sure this app exists. That's just like, hey, you recommend friends. Hinge.

Is that what that is? Hinge goes off like mutual Facebook friends. There's got to be one that's like more of a manual. Like it's kind of jank. It probably doesn't make that much money. But it's a little bit like old school matchmaker. Like I bumped into my friend the other day. Like here's an example.

I bumped into my friend the other day, a mutual friend that we have. Who? I won't say her name because she's like, yeah. And she's like a famous person. And we were talking and she was like, oh, I'm single. And then I thought of my friend and I was like, oh, I would like to. I'm like, oh, maybe that would work out. I don't know. But what am I.

I don't know. Tell her. If there was an app that was just like. Just set them up. What if there was an app that I just like ping them to get. I just like press a button. That's too much. Why don't you just as a human being. I don't want, it's too much work.

It's not too much work. You send two text messages. Yeah. Or you do a group text and then go text each other without me. Okay. See how out of it I am with the dating stuff? There's a lot of apps. And I think maybe if people set each other up, that would be nice again.

I know this nice man and I can set you up, this nice man with this nice lady. But that doesn't happen anymore. I don't know. Dan Black, if you were not married, would you date me? Would I date you? Yeah. You would? Absolutely.

Oh, Dan, that's so nice. Yeah, you're cool. Wow. Very few people have said yes. Well, they say no. I mean, I think I could see some roadblocks. There we go. There's a real answer.

One thing I would say about our relationship that's really interesting is that you do give me shit in a way that I appreciate in in a way that like is like how my wife gives me this crap well we talked about it right before we were recording yes because i think you're funny yeah you need to be told things sometimes yeah sometimes it's like i get too whiny and i get too you know what white angry or whatever it's like you know white hetero white guy uh white angry i don't know what it's called like jay farrow show white famous i get too white famous and sometimes i just get too white famous um uh yeah so i i appreciate what i'm saying like i i can't date a girl who like i couldn't date a girl who's just like not it was just gonna not give me any crap you know what i mean yeah i had a friend break up

with a girl for that because she was just like he was like she doesn't not give me any crap. You know what I mean? Fair, yeah. I had a friend break up with a girl for that because she was just like – He was like, she doesn't give me any crap for playing video games in the middle of the day. That's so funny. He's like, I don't know. She just really accepts me for who I am and I don't need that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I just know I need that. But yeah, no.

Wow, thank you. What kind of guys have you had the most success dating? Is there a type or, like, anything you could point to that we can get you towards the right kind of dude? I mean, the guy I've had the longest relationship with was, like, a true blue sociopath. Like, he was crazy. He would say one thing and do, like, another. Right. he was crazy he would say one thing and do like another right and he he was bad but like that's the longest relationship i've had was he a sexual deviant kind of yeah i always i'm just curious

about that because what do you mean by sexual do you think you invite that kind of behavior because like you're so open and like i don't know you're like it's always like i'll chomp on that dick and this and this do you think that you invite that those that type of person maybe but then i'm playing i'm i'm way under qualified to be like making these assumptions or whatever yeah that's that's what it is is it devil's i don't know i don't maybe what it is. Is it? Devil's advocate? I don't know. Maybe I don't understand what devil's advocate is. I'm playing like a psychologist. Oh, a psychologist.

Okay. Well, I mean, you do a lot of improv. A lot of improv scenes happen in therapist's offices or psychiatrist's offices. A great, all great second beef. Perfectly qualified to talk about this. I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I do attract men who are like, oh, I got weird sex stuff, and she likes to talk about sex.

So, yeah. Maybe. I don't know. I think just from our relationship, I always think that you might have an intimidating sexual energy. Sure. I did date one guy who freaked out when he saw a dildo in my room. My friend for my birthday got me a massive dildo. It's very big.

It's a white dildo that's like about a foot tall and maybe like eight inches around. It's wild looking. Well, the blue one needs a friend. Yes, the blue one. Well, I don't own the blue one. That was in a sex shop. But it's like in my room and it's like in between a bunch of books. And it's just like a dumb thing.

And he was just like, wow, is that what you like? And I was like, no, it's not what I like. It's fine. And then I always have a dick earring in my ear. And he was like, wow, you really love dicks. And I was like, honestly, I do. They're very silly. So, I mean, I just, yeah, maybe I like put out sexual energy in a way where like it's

coming back to me with these like creepy weird dudes well I mean like yeah it might be it might be like oh energy attracting energy something that's a little bit more hippie than my brain like works works on but like on the other hand

like I like weird like not weird sex but like you don't do butt stuff I'm here for butt stuff. Was that too much information to tell the world that you don't like butt stuff? That I don't like butt stuff? You don't like butt stuff. Yeah, I'm not into butt stuff. I mean, I love a lady's butt.

But you won't let butt stuff be done to you. No. See, I'll do butt stuff to you, dude. I have no interest in that. If some girl was like, I really want to do that to you, I'd be like, all right, whatever. I mean, like, hey, like, you know. I don't know. Last time we talked about this, you were, like, adamant about it.

You're like, what? My wife, the mother of my future kids, you want to eat my butt? It was honestly the funniest conversation we've had. We were specifically talking about eating ass. Yes. No, okay, so you said fingers and then butt stuff. It's very

vague. I thought maybe it was sculpting. But if my wife wanted to eat my ass, I couldn't do that to her. My ass is disgusting. Wash it. Even when I would just, I couldn't do that to her. Like, I couldn't, my ass is disgusting. Wash it.

Even when I wash it, it's just, it's gross. I can't, I don't know what man has like a, not a gross ass. I've encountered butts that weren't gross. Why is your butt so gross, Dan? I don't know. That's where I, you know, I take shits there. I sweat a lot there. Yeah, but if you wipe it up.

My crack is hairy. Wipe it up. It's fine. Well, I read an article the other day that said wiping does not clear fecal matter. That you have to use a disinfectant wipe. A baby wipe. Yeah. But why would we think that?

Is that common sense? If you wipe with a- It is nuts that we wipe babies with baby wipes and then we grow up and go, nah, paper will do. Yeah. That's nuts. Just to save money. I use baby wipes. Right.

I don't flush them, though, because that's bad for your plumbing. Right, yeah. So I use paper and then go over it with baby. I just go paper towel. I rub it nice and raw, make sure it bleeds, and then I'm done. I don't stop until I strike blood. Well, then I guess I would be so sad for Jamie if she had to eat your bloody butt. I'm saying that maybe I'm a square in this way.

Maybe I'm a sexual square in this way. Is that a term, a sexual square? You could be a sexual square. I'm a sexual. Is that like, I actually don't want my wife's face in my dirty asshole. I don't want anything. Anyone I respect, anything, anything that's face in my dirty asshole. I don't want anything. Anyone I respect. Anything.

Anything that I respect near my dirty asshole. I don't understand why you call it your dirty asshole. Why can't you take a shower? I shower so much. I showered twice already today. Did you really? Yeah. Why?

I woke up and went to the gym. I woke up, showered, went to the gym, came back and showered again. You showered before the gym? This is actually something I picked up. It's very wasteful and stupid, but it's something I picked up on from Jamie. She does it all. She does it. She showers before the gym?

Yeah. Sometimes I think like if I go early in the morning, it helps to have the shower to wake me up. Fair. Yeah. What gym do you go to? Well, I go to, I got a couple of things. I do some classes, but this morning I went to Barry's Boot Camp.

Oh yeah. Which is, I highly recommend it. Barry's Boot Camp. Oh yeah. Which is, I highly recommend it. Barry's Boot Camp started in New York, in Chelsea. Barry came out here. Where is Barry? West Hollywood? No, it's in Hollywood. There's one there's one, I don't know Hollywood and... Let me see your arms.

Your arms look bigger than normal. You've been really working out, Dan. I'm yoked up. Thanks to Barry's. Go to Barry's.com. I don't know what they're saying Dan I'm yoked up thanks to Barry's go to Barry's.com I don't know what they're saying I'm not sponsored by them at all go to Barry's.com probably Barry's bootcamp.com

but yeah you're saying butt stuff to me I don't know that's just how I feel alright I honestly think you should take a nice hot shower fucking oil it up with some baby oil back that ass up into Jamie and say, Jamie, go to town. Okay, so, I mean, tell me what you've done to a guy's

asshole before. I've fingered guy's butts. You've eaten it? Yes, I was getting there. I've licked a bunt. I've put a butt plug up in there. I've done a lot of butt stuff. So the butt plug thing, I guess I could be convinced because I guess it milks your prostate or

whatever yes but i haven't had any urge to have that done but i mean you'll come really i'm sure i would like it right you would love it you would come very hard right so i'm gonna buy you a butt plug if you buy me a butt plug i will i will i guess i'll use it are you hurting here folks if they call but it can't look like that blue dildo, though. No, no, no. I'll get you a little baby one. So what were you saying? Oh, licking a butthole.

So when you lick a butthole, you lick the sphincter? Yeah. Like that's the focal point, right? That's the butthole. Right, you're going right for that. So let's say you were trying to foreplay it to a butthole lick. You would kind of like lick the crack. Right?

You'd start licking the lower back. No. Then you go cheek to cheek. You're doing so much. Then you do butt bongo. Yes. Right? Do a between the cheek.

You motorboat the butt cheek. Sure. And then this is what I'm picturing, okay? Okay. And you're in this, what I'm doing right here. No, no, that's not you. That's creepy. I'll be right up in there.

Well, do I have consent to use you in my... Yes. Yeah, Dan, you have consent to use me in this scenario. Okay. So then I'm... All right, so it's my butt. Okay. Do you have consent to use my butt?

Yes, we'll use your butt. Okay, okay. I'm glad we got consent out of the way. Okay, all right, all right. I mean, you can't ever be too careful. Can't be too careful. You can never get too much consent. I mean that, seriously.

You heard it here first from Dan Black. You can never get too much consent. Yeah, I've definitely done that. I definitely have, in college, was like, I've been like, hey, you want, you good yeah that is good yeah all men should do that yeah you should always check in with somebody and be like this is still okay right yes good yeah yeah it's great yeah yeah uh yeah you're a good boy i talk about a little bit of my stand-up but um good boy so um uh uh so all right so then when you get then so when you get to the asshole, then what do you do?

You turtle it? You know, like a turtle's tongue? Yeah, man. You could turtle it. And then what do I feel there? Or you could just lick it. It's a fun sensation. It's a new sensation.

If a lady licks your butt and jerks you off at the same time, that's nice. So I'm told. That's a rusty trombone. Am I wrong? What? A rusty trombone? Isn't that what that is? I don't know.

Right? Maybe. That's literally what that is. Oh, I wish we were recording this. What a treat to see Dan Black. Well, because the asshole looks like the mouthpiece of a trumpet. Yep. to see Dan Black do well that cause like the asshole looks like the

mouthpiece of a trumpet yup and then you're blown into it yeah I guess so a rusty trombone so I'm just rusty tromboning dudes

all day every day so you've given a rusty trombone I've rusty tromboned so many times right now I believe a rusty trombone will also leave remnants

of a Dirty Sanchez what's a Dirty Sanchez again? I believe isn't that just like that's just shit of a dirty Sanchez. What's a dirty Sanchez again? I believe, isn't that just like... That's just shit on your face? I think it's just shit on your face. Like a shit mustache? I don't actually know. I never found any of that stuff that funny, so I never looked into it.

Well, I'll tell you this. I'll tell you, I'm having fun with it now. I've never had a dude have shit. I've never been shit on. All right, yeah, that's my question. So you taste shit, though, when you put the thing on? No. I guess you don't know what shit tastes like.

It might not taste as bad as it smells. Wait, I don't know what shit tastes like. Right? So maybe shit actually tastes great, and that's why people eat ass. Have you ever eaten shit? No. No, let me think back, though. No, I've taken shit from so many bosses in my days, but I've never eaten shit.

Yeah, I've never tasted poop. I don't think so. I think you would know if you've tasted poop. Right. I don't. Now I'm concerned. Yeah. I've eaten butts, but I don't.

Yeah, so I'm saying you don't get concerned. All right, so the guy's. All right, here's my. The only time I've ever eaten a butt is if his hair is wet when I've eaten butts, but I don't... Yeah, so I'm saying you don't get concerned. The only time I've ever eaten a butt is if his hair is wet when I've come over. Because it means he just took a shower. Wait, so do you want to do that for you or do you want to do that for them? Do you know what I'm saying? I've had my butt eaten.

I know. Well, that I believe. But I always like... I shower before sex, unless it's a one-night stand. And if I'm having a one-night stand, please don't eat my butt because it's been a long day. But I will wash my puss a little bit.

If I go home with someone from a bar, I always wash my pussy before I leave. Leave the bar? Yeah. So you go into the bathroom and clean your vag? Oh, I'll just wipe it with a paper towel. Just be like, here. Just to make sure. Just to, you know.

Clean it up. Clean it up a little bit. You've been sitting on it for a paper towel. Just be like, here. Just to make sure. Just to clean it up. Clean it up a little bit. You've been sitting on it for a while. Interesting. Interesting. Or if I go to a dude's house and he's got baby wipes, I'll baby wipe it. I like that. I don't want to serve up stinky puss.

You know what it is for me? What? I think that's part of my personality. I smoke weed, drink alcohol. Drink alcohol. You drink beer. I drink beer. Love a nice beer. You want to talk about beer?

Should we switch topics? Yeah, let's talk about beer. Because when you talk about beer, my manliness kicks in. I just want to talk about a beer. I love the foam at the top. All right. So, and like when I'm drunk, you know. Yes.

I'm like, this is awesome. I smoke weed. I'm like, this is amazing. And I don't feel the need to do other drugs. Like, I don't need to go past that. I'm like, this is like awesome. What do you mean? What are you talking about?

So, I think I love. I like. You love front sex. Vaginal intercourse. Front sex. I'm a big fan. You love front sex. So, like to me, I haven't gotten sick of that. I mean, there's also. Okay. Yeah. Oral sex. Youaginal intercourse. Front sex. I'm a big fan. You love front sex. To me, I haven't gotten sick of that.

I mean, there's also oral sex. There's all that. But I do want to get back to your thing. So when you lick a guy's butt, that's because you're like, you want to do that for you. You get off on it? No, I've never gotten off on licking a guy's butt. Unless it's like I like him so much, I get off on pleasing him. I'm a pleaser.

I like to please people. But no, on pleasing him. I'm a pleaser. I like to please people. But no, that I get if you like the guy. But I'm saying, have you gone home from, have you done a one night stand where you lick No, I've never gone home with a dude that I didn't know and licked his butt. Are you kidding? Right. That butt, I don't fucking know where that butt's been. Right.

Give me that showered butt. That butt I know. Do you ever demand a guy take a shower? You ever go out with a guy, he stinks a little bit. You're like, I just need to fuck this guy. And you're like, a guy take a shower? You ever go out with a guy, he stinks a little bit, you're like, I just need to fuck this guy. And you're like, will you take a shower? No, I've never fucked a stinky guy. Well, I've sucked a stinky dick.

I've never fucked a body-odored man. I went on a date with this guy who smelled like a dishrag, and I just didn't continue the date. I had dinner, but then we were supposed to go mini golfing and I was like, I can't do this. So I faked a phone call. I should have won an Oscar. But yeah. Well, we've come to the end.

Okay. Dan, do you have anything you want to plug? I mean, if you like pro wrestling, check out my podcast. It's the Comedians in Wrestling podcast. If you have a friend who likes comedy and likes professional wrestling, you can listen to that. But yeah, I mean, I host a stand-up show called Day Night at UCB. And yeah, you can see me and two girls, one cup.

I'm playing Tito. Tito's the guy who procures the cup. He's the one who's going store to store trying to figure out if they'll sell him one cup. He's looking for the right cup. He's just looking for the right cup. Is it a mug? Does it have a handle? You guys know Indiana Jones?

Ceramic, plastic. The Last Crusade, where you got to choose the right cup. Never seen it. We had to pick which cup was Jesus' cup. That's what I did. Never seen it. I had to choose the right cup to hold the shit. You can also see Dan Black Tuesdays, 7 p.m ucb franklin in a

show called tuesday club and if you like this podcast uh you can subscribe and rate it five stars and if you rate it five stars and you hit on me in the comments i'll read it on a podcast uh if you say something like oh all this ass talk makes me want to dig in your ass or something like oh baby you are a stack of bricks and i'd like to build you into my dick that was bad uh i'm trying to come up with them on the top of my head usually i read that but nothing good has happened this week. Okay. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.