Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The World is Pretty Unfair (w/ Jake Weisman)

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

Jake Weisman (Corporate) joins Nicole to talk the traumatic incident that couldn't let him cum for a decade, his experience with Raya, and how he likes to slips into a his Robin Williams character during sex. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where I explore why I'm still single, even though I'll suck on your toes if you ask me twice. I don't know if I'd actually do that. Anyway, my guest today, ooh baby, he's very funny.

He wrote for the Eric Andre show, did you you i wrote for one day on that show just kidding we won't use that as a credit but he's got this amazing show on comedy central called corporate and i generally like it it's got the feeling of no show on television right now oh baby he's a funny stand-up it's jake weisman question about the toes so you would suck on the toes but they have to ask you a second time like they ask you once you're like no they're like please suck on my toes and you're like okay yeah absolutely i have a i have a my old roommate um uh she was dating this guy for a long time who who was into feet and would always want uh to fuck her feet and everything and she like liked him and didn't want to be closed-minded and but then eventually she's like okay do you like me for me or my feet and she would like

constantly jerk him off with her feet and everything and then eventually she said listen we can only keep dating if you leave my feet alone he's like i don't need the feet i like you and then she said they were having sex one time and uh he was not touching the feet or anything so she closed her eyes and when she opened them up she's like he was peeking like and so she dumped him right there yeah i feel bad for feet fetish people that is so funny though to close your eyes while having sex with someone and open them and be like,

you're picking up a freak. You're picking up my fucking feet. Yeah. I would wear slippers. I would wear sneakers. I would wear shoes because I'm desperate and I'd be like,

I want to keep you. That is, oh my God, that's so funny. I love it. She must have had incredible core strength, I feel like,

to jerk someone off frequently with your feet. She was doing a lot of Pilates at the time. And yeah, I think she was really killing it. And it's funny to think that when he was like, I don't know where they met each other, but he looked at her when they first dated and was like, yeah, I think this one can take it. You know what I mean?

Like, this one is good for the feet stuff. Like, that's what he's looking for. Like, that's a weird thing about people with fetishes. Like, when you're flirting with them, it's seemingly what you think is a regular interaction. But they're like, no. They can handle that I want to suck on toes for the rest of my life. A hundred percent. Ooh, how weird.

Have you been with anyone with a fetish? Um, a fetish? Like a straight up fetish? No, I don't. Well, I don't think it ever got that far. I think people have wanted to put things inside my body. And I'm fine with that. I don't care. But I don't think that's a fetish no i don't well i don't think it ever got that far i think people have wanted to put things inside my body and i'm fine with that i don't care but i don't think that's a fetish i think that's more just like things like tic tacs um smarties um tic tacs but only the orange ones

so i was like that's the the most addictive flavor and so i say yes but the problem is is with the orange ones you can't just have one so you have to put the whole thing in there because that's what you do with the orange ones it's just it's just a like a pelican you can't eat things out of someone's butt can you you absolutely can you can do anything you want but like might you get sick well i mean if you eat a butt i don't know that you get sick i think you're just eating a butt but like if you put some food up in a butt, I don't know that you get sick. Not just eating a butt, but if you put some food up in a butt, and then it comes out of the butt, and you're just like,

dinner! I think the problem here, I think the issue, you would get sick if it was in there for hours. I think if it's just staying in there, it's like bad stuff's going to happen. But if you put it in to take it out, I feel like how

bad could it be fair yeah thank you i like that assessment you're not a doctor you're a comic yeah you're very funny you tell you're pretty dark i'm pretty dark and i like that because i've been trying to do darker stuff and people they really like rub up against it they're like no thank you please be cheery. Do you find that happens to you? Absolutely. But what I don't relate to is that people think dark humor is dark. Does that make sense? Where it's like, no, I'm just, this is what I'm thinking about. I'm not like a high school boy trying to be cool. I'm like, no, I mean, life is undeniably bad. You know what I mean? And yeah, there's so many bad things. I'm in pain constantly. I have a great life and don't like it.

So it's sort of like why that, but that is funny. And so I think it's, I don't know how you feel when you watch entertainment. Are you watching for escapism or like a connection? Maybe it depends on the thing. But I'm looking for a connection usually. I'm looking for like this relatable thing where like, I don't really like Marvel stuff. Cause I'm like, that's not fucking going to happen.

And not that everything has to happen. Excuse you. Maybe Africa does have a secret. I haven't seen, I haven't seen black Panther yet. I wasn't including black Panther yet. You're the worst white person I've ever met. How else will you show that you are an ally and you are for black people and black lives matter?

No, I'm kidding. Was it not hilarious to see people like white people rushing to compliment the movie? It was nuts. I mean, it's like, because I'm going to see the movie. It is disingenuous, at least if they're rushing to do it. Because I'm like, I'm going to see the movie. I like Ryan Coogler. He's fantastic.

He's a great director. Creed was awesome. Like, you know what I mean? But I just, I can wait a month when the crowds die down. Yeah, you definitely can. But it's this thing where it's like, oh, you won't understand. They're talking about, when white people are talking about how important it is, I'm like, it's not important to you.

It's important to someone else, not you. Shut up. And it's, let's see, how do I phrase this? I do love white people. I have so many white friends but sometimes i'm like shut the fuck up you don't have to have an opinion on everything yeah it's just i think uh we have to learn just a lot of things like we can just be quiet but we were never taught to be quiet we were taught to like get information from other people and then

regurgitate it as our own that's like our thing thing. I have a, one of my old roommates, we lived together for a very long time, on and off for years. And we were in mixed company, and she was telling a story that was my story. And I was like, wait, that happened to me.

And she went, oh, you know what? I've just heard it so many times. I just like thought it was, I was like, that's, you can't,

you took my story, you're appropriating for me. Are you still friends still friends with them oh yeah she's great okay she's a little nutty but she's one of she's very very funny uh jake here's a question are you single yes you are i'm single as of three or four months ago oh okay that's close but not Oh, okay. That's close, but not far. You just had a stroke. I was going to say it's close, but not far. But that's what close means. I'm definitely single.

Okay. Are you okay talking about this past relationship or no? Yeah. I won't mention the person's name because she's a lovely person. Yeah, I'll talk about the relationship. Okay, cool. How long did you date? I think it was a year and a half.

Oh, dang. That is long. Yeah, that was probably the second longest for me. The longest I've had is three years. That's very long. Yeah, it's very long. This is where you find out that I know what long and short is. And I'm just showing off today.

How did you meet? We were set up by a mutual friend. Really? And it was at a time when I was pretty explicit about I don't want to date someone seriously. But my friend had wanted to set us up for years apparently. Okay. But we were both dating other people at the time. And then we were set up and I was surprised that she was great. And like I actually thought she was a smart person and liked her and against my better

judgment than got into a relationship. It was mostly good until it wasn't. Nice. I feel like that's all relationships. Yeah. They're great until you're like, I hate this person. How many of you used to love? Yeah.

It's so bizarre. It's, I've started to think, especially after this last one where I was like, I was in love and now I, we don't talk. So it's sort of like, it's like, what was the point of that? It's like a book I read that's on my shelf that I sort of remember. Well, for me, I reread books. Specifically, this one called Jemima J.

It's written like a text message, and I love it. It's about a fat lady who loses weight for a man, and then she goes and she meets him. It's like during the early days of the internet, and then she meets him. She's from England. He lives in LA. She goes to LA to meet him.

They fall in love, and then he cheats on her with a fat lady, and her world is destroyed. Oh my God. And so how does it tie up? Does she get her groove back? She does get her groove back. She goes back to England and falls in love with a coworker

that was under her nose the whole time. It's the worst book, and I've read it maybe 10 times of course and i don't know why i know it's gonna happen i just love it has that been optioned no i'm trying to get yeah i was gonna say like you should make that fucking movie yeah i'm in the middle of it right now someone has uh the rights right now and she was trying to turn into into a TV show and I was like no I want to do a fucking movie oh wait oh so I was in a relationship have you seen the Black Mirror episode it's this

last past season where it's a dating app where people have to get together and they have a finite amount of time I think I loved Black Mirror and then I got so annoyed that everyone liked it so I stopped watching it because I'm like annoyingly contrarian that way. And also I just hate watching things. But no, what happened?

It's just this dating app where there's a finite time and then the end kind of didn't make sense. Well, I don't want to like ruin it for people. Okay, I'll watch it. Also, it's really hard to explain Black Mirror. Yeah, it'll watch it. Also, it's really hard to explain Black Mirror. Yeah, it really is. Except there's this one. We're way off topic. But there's this one where this guy was looking at something on his computer. And then he starts getting this text message. And he's like, we know what you're looking at.

And he's like, oh, no, this is bad. And then you're going to do everything we want you to do. And he's like, who's we? And they're like, we're not telling. And he's like, deliver a cake. He's got to ride his bike. He's in're not telling and he's like deliver a cake he's like gotta ride his bike he's in a car with a man they like rob a bank and then you find out he was looking at kiddie porn the whole time and then i was like but he's like 16 so it's like not that

far off but then i was like it is bad but also like it's it almost isn't yeah it's like that's who you should look at it's bad that it's, but at least he's attracted to his general age group. Yes. And they don't tell you how young or old it is. And it's like, what if it's like, never mind. We shouldn't get into that. But he was also young. So I was like, well, how old were they?

It was a good episode. I was riveted. I was like, oh, my God, this is wild. I think on stage, you're trying to talk about things like this and you're finding it hard, which relates to the dark humor thing. I relate to your struggle.

I don't think I can bring up pederast stuff because I'll be arrested immediately after my set. But I do think that stuff is good to talk about and it's fun. I think so too. It's been a real uphill battle. Yeah. It's only, I've done it.

So, okay, the premise of the joke is you can't fuck a kid because a kid can't make you cum. And people don't like that phrasing. I think they really hate that. But all I'm saying is you shouldn't have sex with a kid. There's diminishing returns. You have to invest so much time in this kid. And you gotta fucking deal with a kid. Yeah, and then they're gonna grow out of your age bracket pretty quick. Yeah, I just to invest so much time in this kid. And you gotta fucking deal with a kid. Yeah, and then they're gonna grow

out of your age bracket pretty quick. Yeah, I just don't want kids because they're annoying. They're so annoying. And you're like, are you choosing to hang out with them on your free time? You don't have the kid

and you're like, no, I'm gonna hang out with it and date it. I was a nanny for a very long time and that was honestly the best birth control because I would take a nap when the kid would nap and then I would hear the baby monitor when they'd wake up and i'd be like oh that would be my life yeah waiting for this kid

to wake up and then shoving cheerios in its mouth and you never want kids right no yeah neither do i oh yeah and then people are always like nicole you will well that's it yeah and they say for me because it's like well you're a man you can wait till you're 85 you know and so i can wait till i'm 85 if i want to yeah that's true because you can steal a kid yes i can steal a kid i could adopt a kid well my plan is if i hit like 65 70 i still haven't found a partner i'm gonna adopt like a 13 year old i'm gonna rename him like aquarius or aquafina or something and then we're just gonna travel the world and then he'll wear feather boas and he'll have a great time how because i don't feel the need to continue my dna i'm not like i don't like do you do you know that thought has never crossed yeah it's like because people are always like i want another one of me it's like

that's the most narcissistic thing you could think i don't understand the world needs another you the world needs one less of me like i don't i just don't understand that instinct at all it's bizarre i feel like an alien sometimes that was one of the reasons why my last relationship ended was i i she definitely wanted kids and i'm 99 sure i don't ah that's tough especially like if you're in love with that person you're like we just yeah it's tough it's like yeah i i don't know what to say i mean the thing is if you have a kid you'd figure out how to love it and all that shit but i just don't i just or you don't there's a lot of kids who don't love their kids they really fuck up their lives totally right and it's awful

i'm so jealous that you had a friend set you up. That means they thought so highly of you that they would bring you to somebody else and say, this man is great. My friend who set me up was someone that I had said, you need to stop drinking so much. And I think they always wanted to pay me back a favor. That's nice. But it is a huge compliment. And I've set up a few couples to be married before, but I've rarely ever been set up in general. So, and it was weird that the person knew exactly what I wanted. So it was, it was a bizarre situation, a huge compliment and a really like almost boring story of how we met.

It's like, yeah, we were set up and it worked immediately. But it was bizarre. Have you never been set up? I've never been set up in my life. Really? No one's ever talked about it? No. Have you ever asked to be set up? Always. I'm always like, your boyfriend, he must have friends. How badly do you, so I know you and I watch you on TV and I listen to your podcast and I know that you want a relationship or you want someone with a big dick, but like how badly do you want a boyfriend? Like how bad, do you actually want that? Because that's,

boyfriends are bad. But are they? I'm tired of strange dick. I don't want to have to learn the curves of someone's dick no more. So it's mainly like, you don't want to keep fucking people that you don't know well. Correct. Okay.

That's the main thing. You just want the same dick. You don't actually want to be like, here a guy talking about his insecurities all the time. I don't want that. Is that what a relationship is? That's what a boyfriend is. But why?

Why can't he keep that to his therapist? What? How many men go to therapy? It's like, but it's also like, it's just like dating a man is sort of like, it's this thing where, I mean, obviously there are different kinds of men, but like, I feel like dating a man is secretly like,

you have to be like, no, you're the best man. There's a lot of men out there, but secretly you're the best. And I know you don't feel like the best because we're fucking raised to be these fucking psychopaths. And like, then we're, we get to the real world and we don't, aren't great. And then we're like, oh no, I'm afraid I'm not great. And so then we pretend to be charming and we attract mates. And then we were like, do you think I'm the best? How come you don't think I'm the best? How come you don't love me enough? Oh no. Maybe that's just me. I'm not great. And so then we pretend to be charming and we attract mates. And then we were like, do you think I'm the best?

How come you don't think I'm the best? How come you don't love me enough? Oh no. That's just me. I don't know. That sounds like a lot of work. Yeah. I mean,

that's the tough thing about like being attracted to men, I assume is just like they're fucking nightmares. Well, I'm also attracted to women. My world is very open. Do you mostly date men though? Yes. Yeah.

I don't like women. Okay. I'm just really contradicting myself. I like women and I am attracted to them in person. Like on Tinder it's very hard to be like you seem bad. Most women on Tinder seem bad. It's a confusing situation. I was on a dating site for three days and it was all interior decorators and models. Were you on was on a dating site for three days and it was all interior decorators and models. Were you on Raya? Yeah.

Yeah. For three days and then I had a panic attack and canceled it. Raya waitlisted me for two years. Oh, Langen told me this. Langen told me this and how fucked up that is. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I truly was like, why?

Because they say it's like Instagram based. Right. And my roommate has like 9,000 followers and I have like 100,000. And I was like, so it's not Instagram based. It's he's a thin white man and I'm a big black. And you don't want my kind. Which is fine. Like I get.

It was like being admitted to a country club I didn't want to belong to. Yes. Yeah, it was pretty fucked up. But I did want to belong because I love country clubs. Yeah, I mean. I went to a country club in Santa Barbara. It was the whitest place I have ever been. And it was incredible. I felt like I was like, this is how the other half lives.

And it's not like any better. It's not better than like a normal beach club. Oh, no. It just felt exclusive. The food was also shitty. Oh, yeah. It's not good. But I just loved watching people.

Yeah. And everyone had a great body. The ladies were wearing thonged bathing suits. And I like oh my god your butt's out so when you say like you're not into women like have you dated women i haven't dated women i haven't dated much period i fuck a lot what do you consider oh i guess i consider that dating a little bit oh um when you say you fuck a lot of people do you go on a date and fuck them or you just end up fucking something you meet someone you're like now we're having sex it's a little it's like a bag of skittles sometimes you go on a date sometimes you go come to my house let me gobble your dick um i dated this one guy that's like on and off for like three years that's

like the only real relationship i've ever had and he was like associate he was like a crazy person you emotionally he would say things and i would just like blink at him and be like repeat it i can't believe you said that and then he'd be like oh what you're mad at me and i was like well you just you just said you don't think i'm funny or like whatever he was he said he doesn't think you're funny he had said yes i mean that's silly he is well he was also like a comedian and oh really yeah but like i was doing better than him i think he was just he was trying to be like so we did improv and i was talking about stand-up he's like well are you good at stand-up he's like i don't really think you'd be good at it and i was like what do you mean he's like well i don't know

if you're funny telling jokes like that i was like i don't know what you're saying to me what are you saying and he was like never mind he it was just not fun this is what i'm talking about this is what dating guys is especially in the comedy community in which you dwell it's like a lot of you would have to date someone who is successful smart and like cool with you being extremely funny, almost unbeatable funny. And that's hard to find. It does exist, but they're at a high premium. That kind of person who's like, I feel funny and I like existing. I would like an equal or a superior, whatever.

It's like almost, I mean, there's a dozen of them and they're probably married. You know what I mean? That's, yes. All of them are married or they're dating like beautiful models. Because I feel like when men get to a certain stature in life, they can be just like Harvey Weinstein was not a good looking man. Disagree. You're right. He was a sweet baby angel.

There's someone out there who's like, oh, that fucking guy's a piece of shit. But boy, do I want to fucking make him cum. Like there's someone, that's their fetish. No, no. I refuse to believe that. His nose was like disfigured. His nose is very big. It's horrible.

His whole face is all fucked up. He looked like Mr. Potato Head. Yeah, but worse. And his wife was beautiful. I mean, yeah, he's a fucking gazillionaire. He doesn't care about people. But like for every Harvey Weinstein, there is no woman like that. I know.

There is no ogre of a woman who's successful and rich with a beautiful man. It just doesn't exist. I know. And it's so sad. It's almost like the world is pretty unfair. Wait, Jake. Huh. Whoa.

Have you thought about it? This is my aha moment i know what oprah's talking about now with that aha moment yeah i guess the world is just truly utterly unfair so wait you were only on raya you were not on tinder oh no i i i was on right for literally three days i was on raya and i would only swipe on the toilet and i was like this is not good like the only time i'm looking at this is when I'm taking a shit. There's no reason for me doing this. And I signed up.

I heard there was, I think, Bumble. I mean, I don't really know these things that well because I've never done it before. But it was Bumble, which is the where women ask first. So I signed up for a day on that. And I just lost my mind because I don't think I'm – my issue is I'm stressed because I don't think I'm lead. My issue is I'm stressed because I don't think I'm leading. Like, I don't think someone's like that fucking guy is so fucking hot. I got to fucking talk to that guy. And I'm, and I also have been on dates recently where people that I've known for a while or whatever, they're like, just so you know, you're very negative. And so I don't want to like

be like, I don't want someone to be, oh my God, aesthetically, that's what I'm into. And then meet me. And I'm like, oh, I absolutely want to die. Like, you know what I mean't want to like be like I don't want someone to be oh my god aesthetically that's what I'm into and then meet me and I'm like oh I absolutely want to die like you know what I mean like like oh yeah life is bad like the society is crumbling will never be any better I just want someone who already feels that way and so because I don't I don't want to hurt anyone I don't want to waste anyone's time it's like no I am who I am a particular spice. And I can't – I feel bad for someone who's into me. But there are some people who are into my personality and that's what I'm leading with. And I feel like there's no – for me specifically and a lot of comedians, we're not like – I don't – like what we're offering is our brains. And it's not in a good way.

But like – I mean sometimes in a good way. Like we're super funny but we don't care about that. You know what I mean? We just know how to do it. But I think that like dating sites, it's like if I met with these people that are like nice, attractive people or whatever, they seem happy and they love hiking. And God, do they love a good glass of wine. And they love travel.

I mean, they love it. Can you believe they love travel? That always blows my mind when someone's like, I love traveling. It's course you do yeah who doesn't like what are we talking when you get to leave the country and see how the other side lives these are normal fucking people yeah they're normal people and i don't want like a normal person we can't be with normal people and so it's like and i feel bad like we're just stuck we we're we can't do it we we could be adored maybe by a normal person who's a little fucked up but like we're weird and so i can't do it. We could be adored maybe by a normal person who's a little fucked up, but like, we're weird.

And so I can't meet up with like a seemingly nice person who thinks like I'm a nice Jew boy. And I'm just like, oh, look, he looks nice. He's shaven in the photograph. And then I come and I have like a fucking cat shirt. And like, I am like, oh God, like, you know, yeah, we were all cum and you could have been swallowed and life doesn't matter.

Like, they're not, they're gonna be like, what happened to me? Is this black mirror? And Like they're not, they're going to be like, what happened to me? Is this black mirror? And so I don't, I want it to already be, my stress is like, I want it to already be established. They have some idea of what they're getting into because I'm a nice person,

but I, but I'm also so particular. I don't want to waste anyone's time. But I feel like dating a fan or someone who knows what you do is a weird starting point. Not a fan. I mean like, um, um um someone in the community and i don't really want to date someone in comedy but i mean we we know why not to do that because if you everyone's out of their goddamn minds and everyone has fucked each other

everyone's fucked each other everyone's out of their goddamn minds and also there are very few people who aren't competitive i I'm not a competitive person. I feel lucky that I have a job that I like. You're doing extremely well. I'm not a very jealous person. I'm very lucky about that kind of thing in terms of jobs and competition. I don't care. But a lot of people are.

Wait, you don't care at all? I mean, here's why I don't really care. I maybe used to care a little bit. But when I started to be able to do – I mean, I don't want to be naive care. I maybe used to care a little bit, but when I started to be able to do, I mean, I don't want to be naive here, but I have jealousy about certain things in my life, but about jobs, I've never thought I was the funniest person.

I don't have that thing. I'm not. I'm totally, I think I'm a smart person, but I don't think I'm like, like you're funnier than me and I know that. And that's- Oh no. No, no, no, no, not a problem.

You are. And I think you're incredibly funny. I think I'm that. Oh, no. Not a problem. You are. And I think you're incredibly funny. I think I'm very funny. I think I'm funny enough to achieve what I want to achieve. But I never started to stand up being like, I'm the funniest motherfucker here. I just was like, oh, I think I can do this in a smart way that's good and be successful. I want to make TV shows. I'd like to make a lot of money and a lot of cool things.

I like movies. I don't really like comedy that much. I just like making things and I know how to write jokes. So I feel like I'm not like, I'm just like, I'm trying to achieve what I'm trying to achieve. And I, I'm not going to be the most famous person because I'm not that fucking talented, but I can make a lot of money and be successful. I know that I'm like top 10% of it, but top one, I mean, you're, you're undeniably funnier. And so I'm never going to be competitive about that because I'm not delusional. You know what I mean? Where it's like, there's people who I see on stage and I'm like, oh man, they are so fucking funny.

Like John Early, that is such an unbelievably funny person. I'm not as funny as that person. Why would I be competitive with him if I already know the answer? But I don't, when you say not as funny or you're like, someone's funnier than you, I feel like you're wrong because comedy is subjective. And I feel like, I feel like mostly all of our friends and the people we know who are working are the funniest. Oh, for sure. But what I mean is like, okay, so in a relationship I've often felt um that lonely uh because I feel

like I'm a particular person I think I'm a smart person I think I'm like have some sort of depth but I often I'm looking for a certain kind of silliness that is so so hard to find it is so weird and hard to find it is so funny that it's rare. And I, if someone is funnier than me. Wait, so you want a partner who's silly to compliment your pessimism? I want someone who's super silly. No, I'm very silly. Are you?

I'm very dark, but I'm very silly in a relationship. Ideally. What's the silliest thing you've ever done? I think it's more like when fucking i'll just say insane things you know what i mean like in terms of like going to seven robin williams s characters in a row like i'm inside the human being but i'm like but i'm like i'm gonna i don't even i can't even explain i'm i'm popeye i don't know but like to me it's like that's very funny but like in terms of having that freedom of like, listen, life is a very serious, specific pursuit of pain.

And I just want a relationship to be a respite for all the ridiculous shit that we have to deal with. And I want sort of complete inanity or the possibility of complete inanity in a relationship. What does inanity mean? Just sort of like. Inanity? Say it again complete inanity in a relationship what is inanity mean just in like just sort of like like just like something inane like just sort of like just sort of like completely nonsense oh yes i just want complete nonsense you know because i think super funny people the point i'm trying to get to is if someone is that funny and funnier than me i'm not worried they're funnier than me i'm thrilled to have found one of the few people who is that fucking funny. You know what I mean? And I don't, I would ideally be with someone funnier than me because then I fucking leveled up. them but then i'm like there's something about me that's and i feel lucky i get to be entertained all the time that's sort of related to in general in competition about the career it's just like

yeah i'm doing the best i can and i'm doing really well at it i think i can have a pretty solid career where i can make money but i'm never i'm not a genius you know what i mean i'm just like a smart guy you know what i mean so i don't i don't know but in terms of finding a partner i just want someone who's so fucking funny and that doesn't have to be in the comedy community but it kind of does you know what i mean wait we have to take a break we're back from our break so okay what is your type is funny i think that's the main thing i in terms of physically the people i've dated like shapes whatever heights or whatever um all over the place don't think i have a physical type i and the other issue is i often don't pursue anyone

i it most of the people i've dated people who've like pursued me to some degree because i am too stressed out i don't i like really don't want to i don't assume anyone's interested unless they make it very clear because i don't want to be a creep i don't want to be weird and i i can't i don't think it's weird or creepy to approach a woman and be like can i take you on a date and when they say no you go oh my bad sorry i thought we were feeling something i totally know that i think most of the times i would ask someone on a date is if i thought they were cool or funny and so at that point i kind of know them and i think that like then it's like okay i don't i feel like it's too i don't know i've done it before and i've like asked people out but i the people i've dated are

often people that approach me because it's just easier i just can't i just don't know what I don't know, I've done it before and I've like asked people out, but I, the people I've dated are often people that approach me because it's just easier. I just can't, I just don't know what, I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what I, I don't always know what I want out of a date. You're now blowing my mind because everyone's like, don't chase men. They'll chase you when they want you. And I've heard, and I've, a lot of my female friends have been like, if you ask a guy out, it's bad. And it's like, and I guess I don't relate to most men in that way because I'm like, no, but they're showing interest. Like, that's great. Then the

pressure's off a little. It's like, at least they're attracted to something about me. And I know that. So I don't have to worry about that in a date. Cause I don't want a date to be like this thing where I'm spinning plates. Like, look at me, razzle dazzle you. I want there to be some sort of understanding, like, okay, like, you know what you're getting into and now we can try, attempt to have a nice time. I have a question. You had surgery, right? Yes. You had surgery on your back?

I had spinal fusion surgery. What does that mean? So I had a herniated disc, which is a fucking nightmare. And how'd you herniate your disc? Just bad Jewish bones. Like 100% Jewish. Yeah, just no specific injury. Just, and it's the kind of injury that like Tiger Woods had.

Like he had the same kind of like. Well, cause he was bent over knocking balls. Yeah, yeah. Were you bent over knocking balls sometimes? I was fucking Tiger Woods. And that's why. And he likes to do it where he's like an L shape bent over. And then he wants me to be an L on top of him.

And it hurt both our backs. Listen, listen. I see. Two people bending over hurting their back. Yeah. But it's just bad luck. And then so what they do is they rip out part of your vertebrae and they come through the front and back. And I have cadaver bone in there and sort of these like –

Do you know who? Did you get to pick? No, I wanted – I was hoping it was a woman. Because I want – I was like it would be really funny if I were not 100% male anymore. But you don't get to know who the bones are. And they fuse to your body. And they put these like sort of rods in there. And so there's like I can show you the – at some point I can show you the MRI.

But like it's like a whole weird thing. And that had to heal up and it took years. And it's pretty crazy. Does it – can I ask – You can ask me anything. You don't have to worry about asking me anything. Does it hurt to fuck? No, I was worried about that.

I was worried. There's a small chance like when they're doing the surgery, they're going to cut like the seminal vesicles. I don't know what that is. And that's like, well, semen. Like, you know what I mean? So you can't come no more? Well, you might not be able to have kids. And in terms of coming, who knows?

But I was very nervous. And I remember like it was like a few months because I was in so much pain that I couldn't come for months. And then after the surgery, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I was so nervous. And I remember like coming and it was like all clumpy and disgusting. And it was just like it was like but it was so painful. It was like coming a kidney stone. And it was like but I was so fucking relieved that I came.

But no, fucking is totally fine now. You have to be certain. Is your cum still clumpy no my cum is is is clear and liquidy and back to normal it's been years now but um in terms of like i don't know if i can carry people the way i used to like i have to be careful about certain things but in general totally fine where were you carrying people well i mean if they wanted a snack um in the middle of uh fucking you, I didn't want to like lose the erection because sometimes I get anxious. I would carry them to the fridge and we'd open the fridge. They'd get a snack, maybe like. How long do you fuck people for that they need snacks? Minimum six hours.

Okay. Yeah. Otherwise, it's like, why show up? Fair. Yeah. I like that. How long do you have sex for? Not six hours.

Well, I mean, but I mean, for for me it can be anywhere from 10 minutes to 50 minutes because i don't come easily because i have issues about that what are your issues about coming when i was in college um uh this is a little serious when i was in college um uh i've caught my girlfriend i caught her cheating on me oh Oh no. And she, um, she then, uh, got off birth control to try and trap me with a child. And so I couldn't come for over a decade during intercourse. Oh my God.

And so only recently in the last years have I been able to. So, but I have issues with it because it was so traumatic. Yeah. That's very fucking traumatic. It was a horrible situation. That woman's bad. She was bad.

I mean, she's also like 19 or 20 and like everyone's mentally ill situation that woman's bad she's bad i mean she's also like 19 or 20 and like everyone's mentally ill at that age but no i've never tried to trap a man with a baby well that's insane good on you it was crazy and it really fucked me up because i was very nervous uh but i feel better now but anyway sometimes i can have sex for a very long time because i can't because i'm too afraid of coming. Um, but it's gotten better. That's good. Uh, listeners are in for a lot of info.

It's fine. I talk a lot about, no, I love it. Let's see. I have sex for, I guess anywhere from like 10 minutes to, I guess an hour.

I don't know if I've been like fucking straight for an hour. You need a break or you, or you need some fucking water. Yeah, you're right. I've been having a lot of sparkling water during sex. Ah, some LaCroix? Yeah, it's just a little more refreshing. What flavor?

Well, I'm drinking Cran Raspberry right now. Obviously, I like Pamplemousse because everyone does. I like Peach Pear. That's my favorite of right now. Interesting. What? You don't like that one? It's interesting.

I'm just saying it's interesting. Nobody likes that one. I also like coconut because it tastes like sunscreen. And everyone's like, you're not selling this right. See, I think that's the palette. If you like peach pear, you like coconut. And I think everyone else is on the other side of the spectrum. But I like Papa Moose.

Okay, fine. You're just more open. We've decided how open you are. Men, women, Papa Moose, peach pear. I'm open to everything. People, LaCroix, whatever. I just saw Coco. This has nothing to do with anything. And I can't stop thinking about it

have you seen coco no oh my god you have to see it i'm sorry i haven't seen it it's so good i have nothing to say about it other than i just saw it i really liked it and the composer who composed it his name is robert lopez and he is a egot winner twice over in every category and nobody's talking about him serious yeah so then i found that out and I was like, is he single? No. No. Of course not. He's like got a wife and a kid and I'm never going to find love.

I want you to look at my Tinder profile. I think you will. I don't know. At this point, I'm 32, 31. I think I'm 34. I was born in 86. How old am I? 32?

I was born in 83 and I'm turning 35 this year. You're born in 83, 45, 86. You're turning 33? 35. 35, 35. It's 2018. So I'll be 32 in August. Good Lord, that took a while.

Jesus Christ. But I've never been in a full-blown actual relationship where I was 100% sure that that person loved me back. Yeah, I mean, it's one of those things where I can't say to you that I think it'll happen because what the fuck do I know? And I've never been in a successful relationship because they've all ended. But I tend to believe that you'll have a shot at it. Well, here's my Tinder profile. Okay. And you're listening.

And if you want to see my tinder profile you can go to facebook.com and if you put in nicole by our comedy it's on my like facebook fan page and it's in the picture section okay so describe what you're seeing so i see a photo of you being super fun it's like a you have like a pineapple glass like a fun pineapple glass that was at a restaurant and the top of the pineapple glass you have on your head as if it's like a hat yeah and you have like an upwards looking like your your face and eyes are looking upwards like looking like hey look at me i'm having fun with my girls um and it looks like some sort of chain restaurant it's at this place downtown called Tom George's.

I do not recommend it. Tom George's is the worst restaurant I've ever been to, but I got a good picture out of it. It says you're less than a mile away. You're lying about your age? No, it's on Facebook, and you can only change your age so much on Facebook. So I think I changed it to the maxes

and won't let me change it again. And the reason why I had it younger is because my age wasn't on IMDb yet or Wikipediaikipedia so i was trying to stay youthful for my work yeah and then imd just fucks everybody over yeah the patriarchy's bad um you're less than a mile away and it says i got a fat ass so if you're not into it bye well and then it's like it's emoji bye i like people with a sense of humor we've talked about that. That's got to be number one. Yes. I just want a funny person.

Or like 1A. I mean, you want them to be attractive to some degree. But to me, that is so the big part of attraction because I feel like if you're sleeping with someone and they're hot, it does get old fast. Yes. You're just like, what am I doing here? I can't. What is sex to you? I was sleeping with this Australian guy and he was so hot.

He was maybe the hottest dude I'veralian guy and he was so hot he was maybe the hottest dude i've ever pulled and he was so dumb and boring and at that point i was like you don't have to be funny you just have to have an opinion about something he had zero opinions yeah and it's weird because i don't know if you're in birth control but then you're like do i want like what if i accidentally get pregnant with this motherfucker? I'm not on birth control because I think, I don't think I'm, I don't think I'll ever get pregnant. Why? Because it hasn't happened yet. Oh, gotcha.

Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. Well, good luck. Thank you. I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh. That's a fun joke. Thanks.

I agree with you completely. And I think that whenever I've had a profile for those three three days i on raya you can do like that music thing and i had a mariah carey song like fantasy very playing over me like just smiling or something and i'm like at least there's some hint of a sense of humor here but okay 28 now how do i do i look at swipe to the right or left i don't know okay oh okay okay the next photo is you you have wait shorter hair in this photo it's like oh there's a okay it's a dildo with googly eyes and uh a face at first i didn't know what i was looking at um okay i put the face over it because two of my friends were like you look too sexy in the picture i think men might think because you joke about wanting a big dick and

then you have a picture of a big dick and then i said it on conan that i had that picture so like maybe men are like oh no that's what she wants and then i did have an incident where i was sleeping with this guy and whatever whatever and then he like i have this dick on not that one a different one this is a this is a big one oh the one i is just as big, but it's white people color. Okay. Pink. Yeah, like a pinky beige. Okay. And he was like, that's what you like?

And I was like, no. And he's like, are you sure? And he freaked out. And he's like, you also have a dick earring. Why do you love dicks so much? And I have a pixelated banana in my room. It's like a picture. Yeah, this one's fun. And the shirt has fake teeth and silly eyes. And you're like looking at like hey like i'm holding this thing okay

this next one is you it's in like overalls is what you would call them when you have like a striped shirt it's kind of like this one here okay i have an issue with this photo okay the sunglasses you have are covering too much of your face. So much as it's kind of hard to identify you. So I don't think this is a very good photo because your eyes are very expressive and you have great eyes. And this doesn't, this is just sort of like, here's a woman and there's a cactus in the background. Like it's like kind of like a pointless photo. At least that's my opinion. No, good to know.

I would get rid of this photo because it's like, and the smile's a little awkward. You're like, hey, did you take the photo yet? I was picking Sashira up at her hotel and I was like, that's a good wall for a picture. And I sat down and didn't give her a phone and she went, where's your phone? And I was like, you take it on your phone. And then she screamed at me that I was her neediest friend.

Well, it's you, like, you have a great smile. And so, like, in the first photo, you have such an expressive smile. And this was, like, kind of like a hat. You look, you're so much more awkward here in this photo than you are in real life. I'm going to demand you delete this photo. This is not you. And your hands are, like, daintily on your knees. It's like, this is not Nicole.

This is loosely exactly not Nicole. The next photo. Okay like this is not nicole this is loosely exactly not nicole um the next photo okay this is fun you're like facing you're you're on a bookshelf and you're and your ass is sort of facing the camera are you are you like on like an improv tour here are you like because you look like you're in a shitty hotel room and your backpack's below you. It looks like you're on some sort of shitty. It's like you're all black onesie. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, this is a funny photo. I like this photo.

This is your personality. The one before that is just like, who is this person? This next one's great. You're with a doggie. And you've got a yellow sweater that I love. You've got a lot of bracelets, which I think you have now. Yep, I put them on when I was... Bracelets are a very big deal. Really? You like

bracelets? I love flair. I love flair around the hands. And actually, one thing I wanted to say, something I'm really into, the two things I'll always like on Instagram, or maybe the two things the only things I like on Instagram are nail art and kitties. And so I think your nails are

incredible, and right now you have multicolored, very amazing nails. I think you might want to have a photo where those come into play because I like them. Dude, I didn't think men cared about nails. Well, I don't know what kind of man I am, but I think that I like it.

These are fun glasses. They're kind of like, what I like about them is they're like cute, but they're kind of like, could also be a 60 year old Jewish woman in in florida's glasses let me see you know what i mean like they're kind of big and sort of like too big yeah um but i like it yeah this is fun it shows you like animals and i love that i think there's one more okay so the next one what i like about again i have the same issue is your eyes are hidden.

And it's kind of like, I like the smile on your face. You're on the beach and one of your legs is up. And so you're having fun. Like you're having a blast. And you're at the beach and it's like, that's like one of those things like the people on those sites. Like I love travel. It's like you're on the beach. Look, you went to the beach.

Oh my God, you're a full person. But your eyes are hidden so you can't really see your face but it does show your personality and you're kind of like swinging your arms almost like you're doing a musical theater number. So I like that. I mean, it's fun. I mean, I'm ambivalent about the photo

but I like it and it shows that you have a sense of adventure. Okay. These were all, that was very good. That was very helpful. Only one photo am I kind kind of like why is that there and i think i'm gonna delete it it's just not you put it up is because i put it on instagram and then a bunch of people were like you should put that as your tinder profile and i was like

oh okay i just think it's not because i the way i feel is and i'm a guy and it's totally different for me but i just i just i just feel like i don't want to create a false sense of who i am on there because i don't have time to waste and you're so fucking busy and you work hard it's like you're gonna meet up with someone for a date or to fuck it's like i don't want there to be many misconceptions about what's going on and i just want people to be like oh this is the fucking yeah this is the thing that i'm getting into and i think you have such a strong um buoyant personality that to not show that it'd just be weird unless you just really want to fuck someone or something thanks no i'm really trying to find i would like a boyfriend i you asked earlier and

i don't know if i actually answered but i do i think i would like someone to come home to to be like here's what I did today. Yeah. Like what? Yeah. I'm curious. What did it? Okay.

So that's okay. So you want a boyfriend. So when you come home, they're like, what'd you do today? And you tell them and they listen and they stay in tune. They're like, oh wait, they said that to you? Yeah. And they like actually care. And how'd it go?

Okay. So that's number one. So it's like the feeling of being cared for and cared about and thought of. Yes. Is it a lot of, you want, do you want to get fucked a lot or something i would love to get fucked a lot okay i like sex and i truly am very tired of one night stands yeah or just like relationships where you just hook up with the person i'm very tired of that I also just like want to cuddle and watch a movie with somebody. Yeah. My roommate has a boyfriend and it's, it's driving me crazy. In what way? They're so happy.

Oh yeah. And it makes me not happy. Do you like, do you like his boyfriend? His boyfriend is the sweetest. Okay. Yeah. It's just annoying. I like him so much.

That someone has love and it's in your proximity. Yeah. For Valentine's Day, I don't know if I've said this before, but he put rose petals on the floor leading to his room. And I was like, no! No! And I should have picked a better time to be like, you have to do some things at his house. Because he lives alone. So I was like, do the romantic things there.

Yeah, of course. And then he was like, but it's not like we're going to fuck. And I was like, I'd rather listen to fucking than look at rose petals. Why aren't they going to fuck? Because they were going to dinner. Oh. My question is about you wanting a boyfriend is, this is the thing I'm curious about. And I bet I know the answer.

Do you also want to care for someone? Oh, I guess I haven't said that, but yes. Yeah, because that's to me the big part of a relationship is like, I do need a lot and I have trouble asking for what I need. And I think that's part of why I do comedy is like that's how I ask for what I need. But in relationships, a huge issue for me is I'll lead by example, but that doesn't always mean like do what I'm doing to me. You know what I mean? For me, and I think I get into trouble because I feel like I'm asking through action instead of just being like – like I want to be cared for but I really love taking care of someone. But then I want reciprocity there and it gets confusing.

But I do think the best part of a relationship is caring for someone. Weirdly. I don't – I'm shocked that that's true. But I feel like it's taking care of someone and having them be really thankful that you're in their life. That's the fucking addiction of romance. And I think that that's why I'd get back into one, even though I don't, I'm pretty scared to do it because it hurts so bad when it ends and it will end. No. Yeah, I guess everything ends.

I, I guess I don't really actually think about caring about somebody because because I care about people, but with friends, there's only a couple friends I have where there's actual stakes in caring about them, you know what I mean? Where I want you in my life forever. And then you have other friends where you're like, you'll come and go, and it's fine, I care about you, but it's not an investment where it pays off over time

and we truly love each other. I think it's because I have not abandonment issues. Maybe it's abandonment issues. I got two dead parents. And then my family, they just all keep dying. So I think, I don't know. But I do like start caring about someone very quick. Like as soon as I'm like, oh, wait, you're good.

You're a good person. You seem very nice. You've been so nice to me. I immediately start caring about them. And then when they go away, I'm like, mean it's tough i i i don't know why um you've had trouble dating but i would assume part of it is you're smart and funny and that's it's like a lot for some people to deal with and i think like you kind of have your shit together and a lot of people don't and And I think men are often pretty insecure.

But I don't know. I really do think you'll find someone not even that long from now. Because why not? You're great. What's I mean, you know, you're like a funny person. You're nice to people like you. You have money like you're doing great. Thank you for thinking I have money.

Yeah. OK. Can I borrow money is my question. Yeah. I got a dollar swimming in my purse. You can have it. OK, okay. Can I borrow money is my question. Yeah, I got a dollar swimming in my purse. You can have it. Okay, thanks. The other day I found $20 behind my dresser and I was like, I guess I do have money.

Because 10 years ago, I would search couch cushions for coins. Yeah. And then pay for food in quarters. You at least get paid money to tell jokes, which is impressive in itself. Oh, it's very nice. It's so nice to get paid to tell jokes which is impressive in itself oh it's very nice it's so nice to get paid to tell jokes it's so silly because when my sets go bad at a college i don't have a meltdown and i don't care because the check clears the check is so big i just keep just going i'm like y'all hey me i do find a complete joy in getting paid a lot of money

when i'm not doing well. Oh, it's great. Like, I'll always try hard and, like, I always, like, be professional. But sometimes they're just not going to like me. I'm very caustic. Yeah. And it's the more they've paid, the bigger the con is. And I feel joy.

I bombed super hard in Tennessee. And I, the university, it wasn't Nashville. I like Nashville. Memphis? It was Memphis yeah and 15 minutes in I was like guys if you're gonna like

the rest of this very long show you have to get on board with some of these premises yeah and they were like nah so then I brought a kid

up on stage did some crowd work with him they loved that he sat back down I was like okay guys now can I keep going and they were like then I like go for like down. I was like, okay guys, now can I keep going?

And they were like, huh? Then I like go for like another third. I was like, guys, I'm up here for so much longer. And I cut the set short at like 50 minutes instead of an hour. And then someone tweeted at me,

I think Nicole cut her set short. And I was like, yes, you people hated me. And she went, that's Memphis. Yeah. I was like,

cool. What a fucking dumb career we signed up for. It's the worst. We did a bar show together the other day. And what's funny is we both did those sets at a show the week before. Did well at those sets. Yes. And we know we're funny people.

We make a living doing it. And then we were at some Valley show the night of the Oscars bombing. And both of us had breakdowns. And that's just what our whole lives will be, which is why we need someone to love us. A full blown meltdown. And then I listened to the recording later and I was like, oh, actually it wasn't that bad. No, it wasn't.

That's why I, that's why I was dying. Cause I was like, you screamed at a guy who, and I loved it, but you're like, you know what? I, I, my, the thing is my favorite thing in the world is when there's a comedian, you know, is funny and you're friends with and they think they're bombing. To me, that's the only thing I ever want to see. I already know they can kill. I already know they're funny.

They make a living off of it. But to see them break down mentally, that's when I feel the most connected to them. And that's one of the few times I feel joy. Oh, man. It was wild because I left that show with the mindset. I think that's the last show I ever do. I think I quit comedy. Oh, it was awesome. I think I'm done. Yeah, you left during my set. You're like, I think that's the last show I ever do. I think I quit comedy. Oh, it was awesome.

I think I'm done. Yeah, you left during my set. You're like, I gotta fucking go. I just gotta fucking go. It was awesome. And then I asked, did you put your hands together?

It was like, already booked. Great show at UCB. And I was like, I just, because I'm going to Colorado State University tomorrow. And I was like,

I just need a good set before I go where I feel good. So then I did the same jokes and they were fine. That's exactly what it is. It's madness. It's like designed

to make us more mentally ill than we already are. Because the definition of insanity is doing something repeatedly with different or expecting different results. But that's what stand-up is.

You repeat something and you get different results. It's what stand-up is you repeat something and you get different results it's and it's like dating a psychopath it's like it's like it's like because you're like you're like dating the same thing and then one day they're really nice to you and one day they're like hitting you it's just like what what happened here yeah what did i do what i do wrong i'm just doing the same thing jake okay we haven't hooked up we haven't dated but here's a question would you date me what do you mean by dating no that is like a particular like here's why i ask no one's asked me to define this this is hard well i think it is important because i'm also like three months out of a thing and so i'm in

this emotionless thing where i like if i I go out with someone, I'm like, just so you know, here's where I'm at. I just am. Cause I don't want to, I've rebounded before and it hurt people's feelings. You know what I mean? My issue with dating someone who we're not that good friends,

but we're friendly. A lot of people in common. And I feel like we will run into each other's circles for a while now. Cause we're doing the same thing. And my main hesitation is that, but it's also the the other thing that i'm almost looking for is like someone who totally gets what i'm doing where i don't have to really explain it i don't know your answer is i don't know i don't know what you date me no that's not the name of the podcast yeah but i flip it on its head um well i don't know because

it would depend on because i've also i'm trying to it on its head. Well, I don't know because it would depend on, because I've also, I'm trying to be honest here where it's like, I don't know, because I get freaked out if I think I'm gonna destroy a friendship because at this point in my life, you realize there's enough people to sleep with. You know what I mean?

So you can have sex when you want to. Friendships, even if they're not close friendships, and we certainly don't have one, but we have like some friends in common. You know what I mean? Like pretty decent friends in common. And so that's not a small thing. And then if there's a breakup somewhat, and it's probably not going to be a good breakup. So like that, that truly becomes valuable to me. Like that sort of like, I don't want, like there's been some times with friends where I'm like, do I really want to

pursue this? Because is it worth potentially losing this friendship? And I've often been like, no. So I don't know. That is what I come down to is where I could find someone I don't know. We don't have any friends in common and be like, if this ends, I'll never see this person again. This is the kind of emotional place I'm in right now. But then that's hard because if you don't have any friends in common, they're probably not funny and they're probably just awful. I know, but it's hard to figure out. LA is populated with some of the most awful people. Yeah, absolutely. I'm just trying to like think about this question. I mean, I would, but I'd be nervous that you would hate me and then it would be awkward for years.

So I think that's my hesitation is because I like respect you and if you were like you're a dumb piece of shit and i'm telling langan um i would be so upset and i would be like oh fuck not that langan and i are such good friends but like it would just like you work together yeah and so it's like and and it's like this is the kind of thing that i think about a lot that i just don't know at this moment here's here's what i can answer at At this moment in time, no, because I'm not emotionally available. In a year or two, I think it would be a different answer. A year or two?

Wow. Well, I just mean like when I'm emotionally settled or something. That's a long time. You think it's gonna take you a year or two to get over this breakup? No, I think when I'm in a different place, when I'll be like 37 or something,

it's like, I don't really give a shit at that point. Like, I feel when I'm in a different place, when I'll be like 37 or something, it's like I don't really give a shit at that point. Like I feel like I'm – the older I get, the more I'm like I don't care about any of that stuff. If I could find someone that's like cool and funny that would like not be a dumb idiot, then yeah. Do you want to get married? I don't want to get married. My dad got divorced three times. But I do have an older friend who said, if you don't get married, you my dad got divorced three times but i but i do have an older friend who said if you don't get married you're gonna break up so it's one of those things where it's like i don't want to get married because i think marriage is dumb but also i'm not opposed to it

after dating a person for a long time or for health care shit ah yeah yeah we just had a friend who got married for health care stuff and all of a sudden it was yeah it was very quick and i was like good lord yeah i was like yeah i mean it's shitty that you have to do that for health insurance but i mean whatever yeah i don't know i don't know what the fuck i'm doing there i like part of me wants to be alone forever because that would just be then i could just focus on work and friendships but that's probably not gonna happen right we'll all pair off or attempt to pair off with someone i feel like that's what we have been told to do i don't think it's our human going to happen, right? We're all pair off or attempt to pair off with someone. I feel like that's what we have been told to do. I don't think it's our human nature to pair off.

I know. I think it's just what we've been told. Well, and then also you go to these parties and everyone's like paired off and it's just like, okay, well, I don't necessarily, I'm fine being myself, but I don't love being the odd person. It's not like fun. It feels bizarre. Correct. Yeah. All of my close friends have significant others.

I don't have a single. Honestly, it's pretty much the same for me. I have one singular single friend. Pretty much the same for me. Which is such a bummer. Yeah. Because she hates men. Yeah.

And she doesn't want to be in a relationship. I know. So I'm like, okay. Yeah. I don't know. Part of me, to continue on what we're talking about is the ideal situation for me would be in a few years to literally just find a friend, like be like, oh, I was in love with you the whole time.

You know what I mean? That kind of thing. So you want to step into a movie? Kind of. Just in the way that I trust the person. Because I have trust issues, like big time. And so to me, it's like, to answer your question. Why do you have trust issues?

Because someone tried to get pregnant when I was 20. Oh yeah, I forgot. But also like, I think if like, if we were really good friends for a few years

and then all of a sudden, oh, we're both single, why don't we just, like it would be really quick, I think. But I don't know. I also might die.

You might. Yeah, you never know. I might die. Yeah. The world might end. You know, there's a new tariff You might. Yeah, you never know. I might die. Yeah. The world might end. You know, there's a new tariff on aluminum, so Coke will get more expensive. I just heard that a second behind when you said it.

Sorry, that's amazing. You know, who knows? Who knows what this world holds? Who knows? Jake, do you have anything you want to plug? Other than your amazing show on Comedy Central called Corporate that comes on? Wednesdays at 10 p.m., but you can find it at cc.com or on the Comedy Central app. No, not really.

Okay. Well, you guys, you got to watch the show. It's very, very funny. I thoroughly enjoy it and I don't really like anything. Hey, thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. Ooh, baby. If you like this podcast podcast why won't you date

me please subscribe and leave a review on itunes or wherever you listen to your podcast and if you if you send me something good i'll read it and if you hit on me if you say something nasty like i want to put some fritos in your butt and scoop out everything. I'll read it, which is gross. But this person, AllieNB123, has a suggestion for me. Nicole, I've been a fan for a long time and I love the podcast. I think it'd be cool if you updated your dating profiles based on your guest's suggestions instead of having the guests read the same thing each time. Well, AllieNB123, I recorded 20 episodes in a row and didn't do that. Sorry. But I have updated it. So, you just

have to wait for those episodes. Okay. Let's see. Okay. MikeIsCorrect said, I'm single because I'm fat. Go to the gym and eat a low-carb diet. You're welcome, fatty, fat, fat, fat. That was on Friday. He gave me a one-star. You're welcome, fatty, fat, fat, fat. That was on Friday.

He gave me a one star review. That was like kind of mean. I would have been happier if he said that and gave me a five star review. I'm sorry you have to listen to my fat voice, Mike. Okay, yeah, write me things and I'll read them. Bye bye This has been A Team Cocoa production.