Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Valentine's Day (w/ Laurie Kilmartin)

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

Comedian Laurie Kilmartin (Conan) joins Nicole to discuss all things Valentine's Day - the gifts, their dream dates, and Nicole's regrettable Valentine's Day experience. They open up about their most regretful hookups, the time Laurie's date called her out in a YouTube comment, and Nicole's experience sleeping with a member of her audience.Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: See Nicole live! Tickets at linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Hi, hi, hi. So I do have some shows coming up. On February 16th, I'm at JFL, Just for Laughs in Vancouver. And then on February 23rd through 24th, I'm doing four shows at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. So come on over. Come on over, baby. Ah! baby. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me of Why Won't You Date Me?

A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single. But guess what? The jury's out. Nobody knows. So now I'm just having fun talking about love and shit. Okay, my guest today is a comedian and Emmy nominated writer for Conan. I almost said Conan's name wrong. I almost said Co-Min, and I don't know what's happening. Her new special is called, I can't talk today, is called Sis Woke. I should start over. My guest today, You know what? We'll keep it. Lori. Okay. My guest is Lori Kilmartin and she shook her head.

So she was like, keep going power through this. Her new special is called Cis Woke Grief Slut, which I find so fucking funny. And you can stream it now. It's Lori Kilmartin. Lori, boy, oh boy. Sorry about that intro. It was tough. I feel honored. I mean, I got a double intro and I felt like you were really in the moment. So, thank you. I was in the moment. I should tell people, there's a leak in my house, so I feel crazy. Yeah, especially when it's getting your furniture. That's something I don't know how to fix and that water can just stay in a cushion forever. Yeah, I don't really know how to fix it either.

But I did order some fans on DoorDash. So hopefully it dries it right out. Lori, this podcast is not about my leak or my furniture. It's about love. Yeah. So Valentine's Day is coming up do you celebrate i don't know what it's not no the idea of celebrating is even funny it's it's like the i mean i have had you know female comics tend to get work especially on valentine's day because bookers will go oh yeah we need a we need a woman um and then you're you're just dragging a guy to a show where the audience is couples and he's just going we're not really a couple because you're on stage

right now uh so i find a valentine's day new year's Eve is when I lose the most boyfriends because I'm working and they want a regular woman who doesn't do stuff like that, you know? Yeah, fair. I have only been out once for Valentine's Day and it was while I was dating someone and we were also on a break. someone and we were also on a break we were on a break and uh they understood that valentine's day was important and i had told them that i never celebrated valentine's day with someone so we stopped our break to celebrate valentine's day but then i was like it was nice it was nice in theory but then like we didn't go to a restaurant that had like hearts everywhere. So it didn't it just felt like a normal day. And then we started our break after, which was like kind of funny to be like, OK, we did our dinner and now we can't talk again. It seems like he got away with not paying Valentine's Day prices because they went to a break.

You guys went to a regular restaurant and then yeah and then got back up in you so i mean cheers to him and you i mean yeah i mean he really should have taken me he should have taken me to a place that had hearts and stuff i i agree and overpriced steak. Yes. You know. So I could have really experienced Valentine's Day. Yes. People serenading, et cetera. Yeah. I went to, this doesn't have anything to do with Valentine's Day, but I went to Tam O'Shanter's during Christmas when they have the carolers.

And they were like, what song do you want? And I was like, Cher. And then everyone stared at me. And then I was like, Believe. And they were like, no, Christmas songs. And I was like, uh, Strong Enough? me and then I was like believe and they were like no Christmas songs and I was like uh strong enough and then they didn't like me they were very mad at me boo I was like why just Christmas songs why not why not just be a jukebox yeah anyway how are carolers not share fans that's that seems wrong blew my. Have you ever gotten a Valentine's Day present?

I've never gotten a Valentine's Day present. Oh, my dad always gave me a Valentine's Day present. He always sent me a card. That was the first thing I noticed after he died. I'm like, oh, this ended. Where's my card? Oh, yeah. He's not here.

Okay. All right. That's sweet i don't recall any maybe because i conditioned men to uh not treat me like i needed you know like oh i'm tough i'm a different kind of woman and they believed me uh which was a huge huge mistake that's fucked up yeah that's fucked up but my dad was always the guy that sent me something for Valentine's Day. That's very sweet. My dad never sent me one thing for Valentine's Day. I don't think he even knew Valentine's Day happened.

Growing up, I don't remember my parents ever like celebrating Valentine's Day. I think maybe my mom got my dad a card and he'd be like, uh-oh, happy Valentine's Day. And then like that's all he would do. But I don't remember them ever like going out. I don't remember them ever going on dates either. Huh? Oh, my parents never went on dates. But that was more of a money thing. My dad would always get my mom a little Valentine's Day present. She got him nothing. So that did teach me that women need to be gifted and not give gifts, which maybe doesn't work anymore. I don't know. I don't know either. I don't really understand modern dating. And I've been trying to speak to men in public, which sounds very elementary. Like I'm like, I'm trying to talk

to men. But like, it's hard. And I don't under like, I don't I was talking to my therapist and I was like what do you say to them and she was like hello and I was like okay okay all right but like after the hello I'm like I don't know what do men like cars I don't I like cars but like I don't know I'm not comfortable with that either I I mean I've always been I guess I was just raised that you exist and they come up to you. And so I mean, I have to give men credit for being maybe and just watching, seeing my son knowing how nervous he would be that they have to always make the first move, you know, and how nerve wracking that would be. I know there's some men that just try constantly

because they're just it's a numbers thing but if you're a guy actually has a crush on somebody you don't know how and they're not they're giving off the ice princess vibes and you don't but but also are interested but don't know how to turn that off i i don't know how you'd approach them that that's actually pretty tough me either but like i don't really how you'd approach them. That's actually pretty tough. Me either. But like, I don't really know any gentlemen who like, don't just go for it. Like, I've never had a friend be like, oh, man, I like this girl. And I don't know what to do. Like, I feel like they're like, I asked her out, didn't work out. And I'm like, huh, I guess men are just constantly getting rejected. Right? I mean, they are, I guess. But you wouldn't know if there is somebody that has a huge crush on you and just can't, you know, is overwhelmed or like,

oh, you're famous or you're this and that. And they don't they think that you wouldn't be into them. They'll just suffer silently for the rest of their lives and probably turn into a troll. I don't want someone to turn into a troll. Tell me if you like me. Yes. Yes. That is okay. But here's the thing. Sometimes people are like, I like you.

And I'm like, ew, I don't like you. I know. It's so tough. What are the odds that the chemistry works on both? Have you ever, I dated dated or i was like online with somebody that lived uh far away like that lived in the south and then we met and it was like oh there's no chemistry but there was chemistry online and it was really depressing that is that does make me upset and i people tell me I'm wrong for this. But like I

I don't know a different way to do it. I will only have a back and forth with someone like three or four times before I meet them. Because I'm like, some people are really great texters and they're terrible at talking. Yes. Or someone's a terrible texter and they're great at talking. So I don't like to make up things about people until I meet them. And then I can make up things about them and how wonderful they are when they're actually pieces of trash. And so much of it is how your body just vibrates next to theirs. And it has nothing to do with who they are as a person. I mean, I know that I've been very attracted to awful men so uh so much of it's that and you cannot drum up you can't force

yourself to be into somebody that you and your body immediately goes friend you can't be like but but but we shared naked no friend that's friend. It doesn't feel right. You've seen my titties, but like it's friendship titties right now. You can't be sucking on them. You can just look at them. Platonic boobies. Correct. I once went out on a date and I was so horny. I was like so excited.

I was like, I'm going to sleep with him. I don't care whether we get along or not. Like I'm just sleep with him I don't care uh whether we get along or not like I'm just gonna do it and then I got there and I was like oh I like actually can't sleep with him I can't fuck this man I no matter how hard I try I simply couldn't do it there was just something about him that I was like and this was like years and years ago he also smelled like a dishrag that was like the big thing about him like awful it was you know how like it just yeah no smell that scent is scent is so important this is all primal stuff right from when we were before we had language maybe even you know it's just you're either it's either a yes or a no. And then frequently you're talking yourself into stuff that really is a no, you know? Yeah. And I'm like, maybe we should go back to simpler times where we lived

outside and grunted at each other. And one, you know, you didn't have to like get along. You're just like, do I like you? Let's fuck. Right. I don't know. Are you a stepfather? Yeah. No. let's fuck right i don't know are you a stepfather yeah no are you married are you dating i know you have a child so at one point i don't want to say that i was like you were in a relationship but then i was like that doesn't happen either you could not be in a really listen i've lost my mind what are you i'm willing to step in at any time. I am a single mom. I have been in relationships. I am not dating at the moment.

I'm waiting till my son graduates from high school and he's a junior. So I'm on the precipice of getting laid in I think about a year and a half. So I'm pretty excited. That is exciting. What a thing to look forward to. Yes.

Because like that's a big step. Your kid gets to go to college and then you get fucked. I know. That's fun. Yeah. When you have a kid at home, it feels like you're bringing in a potential parent. And then it's too much.

It's too much drama and too much vetting it's not fun and when he's 18 and he probably won't be out of the house but he'll be a full adult and it's just then I can date like someone that's probably a bad idea because it won't have many repercussions on my son that's what I think I think that's smart. I think that's good. Because, okay, I watched 90 Day Fiance, and there is one couple, okay, so it's the single life, so it's an offshoot,

and there's this guy, Patrick, who's dating this woman, Megan, and she has a kid, and the kid, I think, is like five or something, and he met the kid, and I was like, well, now this kid is going to get attached to this person, and then if you break up, this poor kid's have to be like all right well I guess we're on

to the next person I get attached to and then it's sad it is sad although my son doesn't remember any boyfriends before the age of seven which is uh a relief because I there were some turds and uh even when he sees pictures it doesn't jar any memories so i'm really glad about that that's pretty funny like i don't know that man yeah not another man at all i never met that man before in my life why did you photoshop me on his lap oh good nothing bad happened santa's dressed differently why isn't he in his full costume i'm telling you what i want for christ Why isn't he in his full costume? I'm telling you what I want for Christmas, right? I'm in his lap. Yeah, so that that is scary, though. That's I wanted to

avoid that. Like, I feel like being the son of a comic is, is troubling enough in terms of a childhood. And I didn't want to add a bad stepfather or somebody that seemed good. And then you marry them, or they move in, and then you marry them or they move in and then it becomes ugly and my son has to you know be part of all the pushing of them out you know i think you're a good mom for that because if i were you i would be like i'm gonna live my life and i don't think that's a good mom mentality i mean it's like actually really harmful. And for the life of me, I can't ever see a flip side of it. I can't be like, no, I'm not I'm not gonna I'm not gonna stop what I'm doing for this child, which is crazy. I kind of feel like that way about stand up like that was

where I put that selfishness is into stand up because I often prefer stand up to men anyway. is into stand-up because I often prefer stand-up to men anyway. Sure. So if I had to choose, that would be that, right? And I guess I felt like if I was going to be out for the night, I would rather be on stage than on a date. That makes sense. That's, I think, healthy.

I don't know what I would choose. Wait, Lori, I have a question. When you started dating, did you start early or late? Like, are you an early bloomer or late bloomer? Very late. Very late bloomer. I was at Catholic school and wasn't a rebel, was, like, very much in the house, wasn't trying to escape or anything and I was a I was a competitive swimmer so I was like you know I guess like I always had something to do that was my real thing like whether swimming

or stand-up and then men or boys ever they always came second because I kind of felt like I I don't know why I felt like this early on maybe it's maybe it's some mother stuff but it was like you can't count you have to be able to take care of yourself and may I think my mom I don't know she may have I may have seen her as trapped um by circumstances that she couldn't get out of on her own and maybe part of me was like I'm never going to be like that. I'm going to, you know, take the lead on taking care of myself and not wait for a guy to swoop in. Because sometimes they swoop in and they still can't, you know, there's still money problems. And now you can't help because you're a stay-at-home mom or whatever. That which is more her condition back in the, you know, the 70s and 80s so that is wild where I feel like for a very long time women were taught like a man will help you a man will save you yeah a man will take care of you and then you're like locked into a thing where like you don't have a credit card and you don't have any like income coming in to like save to then leave oh my god so I was on Instagram I love

Instagram and this man you know the are you are I guess it's a reddit thing that someone's screenshot and put on Instagram but it's like am I the asshole oh I love it yeah um yeah and then this one was it wasn't like am I the asshole he was like asking for help so he was like so me and my girlfriend had a little dv situation and at first I was like dv oh no is he being cute about domestic violence oh my god gotta read on and then then he was like um and we and he's like it wasn't anything big but we got into an argument and i shouldn't have touched her but i did but we uh reconciled continued living together then we moved to a new apartment and she told me that

i didn't have to sign the lease that the uh the landlord didn't need it and then uh we were together for a little bit and then we had a couple more fights and then one day i came home from work and all of her stuff was gone and i had a letter that said uh so essentially she moved them into an apartment where she had the power what a sting operation oh my god and then he had to be out in 30 days and was told not to contact her and that she was in the process of getting a restraining order and then he was like can she do this is this even legal like it's we were we were working things out and i was like oh my god this woman had to orchestrate an escape plan from this man oh my god and then which means he was dangerous and then he's on the internet being like can she get away from me that's literally what he's asking can she legally

get away from me and i was like this this is nuts this is you never know who you're dating and I don't want to just say men are the only people who are violent but like you truly never know who you're actually dating I know until they show their true colors isn't that nuts yeah I think the the early on that sentence we got into a little dv like we no you yeah you did it you did bad wow wild and cheers to her oh my god she must have been her heart must have been beating for like two months straight she's orchestrating this thing yeah and then i was like she probably had good friends who helped her it's just like one of those things where it's like you and then i think they tell you when you're in an abusive relationship that like you have to plan to leave because they don't let you leave, which is so fucking crazy.

Anywho. And to, you know, on moving day to make sure whoever's helping you move. If you hired a mover, they get there after he leaves. And, you know, oh, my God, that is so much to organize. And then like hope he doesn't, forget something and come back home. Like, it's so crazy. I know. I know.

Truly wild. And I don't want that. I want a nice man who doesn't do any TV to me. And I don't have to escape. Real quick, we got to take a break. Real quick, we got to take a break. You had your kid at 41. Yeah.

And my mom had me rather late. Or I don't want to say late. Is that insulting to say that someone had a baby late? No, it's true. I mean, I think it's completely true. 41 is one of the, I mean, I guess people have them up till 45 you can and then it gets then you have to get help to have them later after that unless you're like an irish immigrant from the 1800s then you'll go up until age 55 but i think you have wait really yeah i think if you have a ton of kids, it's like, who are those, the fundamentalists that had that, all the J named kids?

Is that the Duggars? Yes. She started really young and she just, I think, I mean, this isn't true for everyone, but it seems like the womb goes, oh, all right, that's our gig once you, if you shoot them out like once a year and it doesn't know when to stop. But yes, I did have a kid late. Yeah. Was that scary? Or was it like safe because you're like, oh, I'm like in my life and I know what's going on? It was a little scary. And it was an accidental pregnancy. But I was also like, as I was hitting 40, I was like, Oh, I guess I'm not going

to have kids, you know, and kind of a little like, okay. And then this happened, I got pregnant. And it just felt like a, an exciting surprise. And I also assumed I would have a miscarriage because everything I read was like, you know, your womb's old, that's not going to hold it. So I didn't get connected to the fetus. I call him by his name now, but at the time, until about month seven, because then I knew at that point, whatever, if I got if I went into labor, the child would survive, right, pretty much. And I, you know, I guess you always recommend your situation. I'm sure a 19 year old who is their kid is in college by the time they're 37. They say that's great, too. But I would say I was already formed as an adult. I did have some money saved up. I wasn't, you know, completely poor. adults. I did have some money saved up. I wasn't, you know, completely poor. And so I could, I don't know, I didn't feel like my kid had derailed anything. Like, wherever I was in my career, it was, it never feels like it's enough. But I'm, but I can obviously say, well, that was

as far as I got. And then I had a kid. And then it went a different direction but that was good too so I didn't feel like he caused me any career setbacks in a way early ones you know I think that's best case scenario yeah and I think it's funny that you brought up like the 19 year old having a kid and then it's like by the time they're in college you're like I have the rest of my life I know I don't want that because at that point, I'm like set in my ways and I don't want to go out and have fun. Right. But in my early 20s, oh boy, did I have fun.

You said. Too much fun, some would say. You have a joke about a guy masturbating next to you on a JetBlue flight and that JetBlue only gave you a $100 voucher. Is that true? It is true. It's 100% true. I even tweeted pictures. I took pictures of the guy doing it and send it because you know, the lights are lowered to make the flight more romantic. And make him more in the mood to pull his dick out somebody who has great editing software lightened the photo because i because i i couldn't it was dark and i saw movement but i was like i don't know exactly

what's happening even though it's like two feet from me and and for me to i'd have to obviously stare like it was hard to see you had to look out the side your eyes and uh and when they lighten the footage it was like oh yeah oh yeah and i and i had the lightened footage in my hand as he was still doing it i mean it was really a weird situation um because jepp blue has free internet so i just uploaded it on twitter and but some people grabbed it and linked it for me uh yeah i sent it to jeff blue and they gave me a hundred hundred bucks off already spent uh yeah i i i was it's a longer story on stage but definitely hoping for some kind of mcdonald's hot coffee money um and it didn't happen i mean i think that's actually pretty unhinged that someone was like here's a hundred dollars for like someone essentially

sexually assaulting you like that's but also at what point on a flight are you like i i gotta let a load out i just i simply i've never been horny on a flight this guy was ready immediately uh we were i don't even think the fastenatbelt light was off before he was. Wait, on the ascent? He was like, gotta jerk off as we go to the sky. Yes. Lights down. Cock out.

Yes. No, it wasn't out though. It was covered. I would need a guy to tell me this was a full masturbation because his hand, it was on top of the pants. It wasn't inside. It was more like he was comforting a nervous animal. Like his penis was afraid to fly. And he was just, because it was rhythmic and it went on for a while.

It did feel like some sort of nervous tick. Just in his crotch, which is which is you know some people shake their legs and this guy and then other people stroke their dicks over their pants that's so weird i know and flight it to and i couldn't move it's packed flight flight attendants walking by no one noticing i and i i'm looking around and i'm like i'm the only one paying attention whatsoever and then also it's like, what do you do? You call over a flight attendant. You're like, that man's stroking his penis.

Like, then you seem like a weird narc. And it's like, why are you looking? But then it's just like, what is happening? Exactly. There's no place to move me. So if I were to get up, first of all, he's going to stop if I get up to move over him. And then I'm just I look like I'm making something up. And they have no place to move him.

And even if they were to talk to him, he would know it was me. Now I'm sitting next to a guy I snitched on. There's no good options for me, Nicole. There's no winning. To record it and try to get money out of it. Upload it to Twitter. Give me money. Yeah.

I can't believe that they only gave you $100. They should have at least refunded your ticket. Exactly. Yeah. And it was one of those where I had bought it at the last minute, so it was about double the price. That's why it was in the middle seat in the first place. I mean, I'm an aisle gal.

I never would have seen this had I bought this two days in advance. I also prefer the aisle when I'm an aisle gal. I never would have seen this had I bought this two days in advance. I also prefer the aisle when I'm in economy. Yeah. But if I'm in first class, then I do the window. Oh, yeah, of course. That's nice. Kick out those legs. Look out the window.

Did you see someone posted a TikTok of a woman at the window seat? And I think it was first class because there was space next to her seat. TikTok of a woman at the window seat. And I think it was first class because there was space next to her seat. And a man just like was leaning over her to film and take pictures of the window, the view. And she put the camera in her lap so you can see him completely leaning into her space to take pictures. It's crazy. That's rude. Yeah.

I don't like that. To take pictures. It's crazy. That's rude. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't understand why people simply don't seem to understand personal space anymore. Right.

Yeah. Or like how to act in public. Everyone is like out of their fucking minds all the time. Yeah. Actually, I do get it. I really think we're all still living with a lot of trauma from 2020. That's the theory. Yeah.

Yeah. I think we spent a lot of time alone and now we're just really back in the world and crazy. Yeah. And we're all sort of, you know, we have our own little information bubbles. So we don't interact with people that don't think like us that much. And so in a plane, you're just like all of a sudden, you know, confronted with them and maybe it's just you're not used to it, you know, confronted with them. And maybe it's just you're not used to it, you know, anymore. Yeah. And I still wear a mask on a plane. I it's not even a COVID thing anymore. It's just I people sniffling. It's just all of it, I think, is actually really gross. And then I know that it's not like fully recycled air, but it's nasty. We're all in there and we're

all next to each other um but i was on a flight and this man was like still wearing a mask and i was like yes and he was like why and i was like why are you in my business so i just said i make too much money to get sick and then he was quiet i love it i love it i was like you just I guess you just have to be sassy to people so they leave you the fuck alone. I mask too. I was on a Southwest flight recently and we were delayed and the flight attendant sat down and just started talking to me. And I realized, because I have my mask, like she, it's, I'm a, I'm a person without a mouth. I'm just a pair of eyes.

And she's like, oh, this, this lady will really listen to me. I guess. I guess I'm just like a muted horror doll that can't talk back. And she just didn't stop talking. It was crazy. That you know what, that makes a lot of sense. Because on flights, people really talk to me. Yeah, like this one man just wouldn't shut up. I was flying. I did a show in Honolulu and I was flying back. And this man was like, you know, I spent all day in the hotel. And I was like, but you were in Hawaii. Why don't you go to the beach? And he's like, well, in 1995, I was in North Carolina and it was New Year's Eve and I slipped right into a lake. And then I woke up New year's day in a hospital right

from a coma so i don't really do the water anymore and i was like sounds good like what do you say i was like you're giving me a soliloquy about how you almost died and i was just like go to the beach and he was like certainly can't oh god and even your cries of please stop talking to me are muffled like they legit can't hear you and they just keep going. Yeah, I've noticed that a lot to either either little little sarcastic stuff or it's huge stories, you know, and it just doesn't end. the like when you when you broke your wrist right before giving birth yes uh this was ridiculous um so i was doing best week ever do you remember best week ever on vh1 yes i'm vh1 so i was uh it was like a couple days before my due date and it was my last vh1 best week ever so i did it i was at the uh train station i was at the um it there it was a c and an a I forget which one it was in near midtown right and I was running for the express train

because I was going up to 145th and uh that's when I fell and I protected with my right hand I protected the belly and the left hand I I went down like nine months pregnant on my wrist. And that's when I broke it. And honestly, what I was trying to do is save myself six minutes of time. And I ended up not only giving birth in great pain, but I couldn't take painkillers or get it fixed for like six weeks because my son was breastfeeding. So it just was healing improperly for a while. And then I had surgery and it's still a little wonky, you know, shaped and stuff.

There's like this bend. But yeah, it kind of sucked. I was just holding my kid with a, in a cast the first couple of weeks. Oh no. Do you bring it up to him a lot that you allowed your wrist to heal improperly for him? I should. And thank you for that suggestion. He's been getting away with murder as far as I'm concerned.

God, that's so wild. Did people rush to your aid? No. No. Not at all. Because I also, I got up like, I'm fine. Oh, ow. You know, it just hurt a lot lot I didn't realize it was broken until

oh so yeah I got there yikes yikes yikes yeah um it is wild what the body does because I fell down my stairs and uh dislocated my ankle and for a hot second I was like oh I should get up and then I was like oh I actually cannot get up and then I like tried a little bit and then I was like, oh, I actually cannot get up. And then I like tried a little bit. And then I was like, I don't think I could ever. Okay. Oh, no, it's worse than that. So wait, you grew up in California, but then you moved to New York. Why not do you stand up in LA? Why did you move to New York? I don't know. I mean, it was weird.

A lot of my cohort from San Francisco moved to LA. And I guess I didn't feel like I was part of their their group in a way because they were kind of more going towards alt comedy. And I and I was kind of a road comic, you know, based out of the Bay Area. And when I went to New York, I don't know. It just was like, you know, do you do you remember the first time? Were you born in New York I don't know it just was like that you know do you do you remember the first time you were you born in New York no I was born in Jersey and then moved to New York I don't know what it's like if if it was this would have the same feeling you had these same feelings but going to New York for the first time is like your brain blows up especially if I'm from a California suburb you've

only seen either Spike Lee movies or Woody Allen movies. So there's like two New Yorks and they're both out of reach. I'm like, I don't fit in either world. And just going there and I just was almost like, like just had to sit on the sidewalk and like look and take it all in. And I just really wanted to try to conquer it, I guess. You know, so that's the feeling I had. I think a lot of people have that when they move to New York. You're just, it's so stimulating and so different from how you were raised.

You want that or you don't. If you don't want that, that you're a different type of person, you want to scurry back home. Scurry is obviously my commentary on people who don't want to live in New York. On people who don't like cities. You little idiot, you got to scurry away. That's funny. Back to your garage and your second bathroom. But yeah, so I fell in love and just wanted to

give it a go. How long were you there? I was like 10 years exclusively and now i'm more in la but i go back and forth a lot because i kept my place so i still go back is it rent controlled um it's it's it's uh it is uh affordable it's a rude question um i will say this it's because um i grew up in Jersey. We would go to the city a lot. And I remember the first time I went, I was like, I have to live here. Like, this is incredible. And then our whole goal, me and my, I lived with, there was like five of us who lived together for a while.

But then it like pared down to three. And our whole goal, like Carrie Bradshaw, was to get a rent-controlled apartment. Oh, my God. So we could just live freely and never have to worry about the rent going up. And then we did get one. And then I immediately moved to LA. Oh, no. And I regret not keeping it because it was $1,800 for a three-bedroom.

Oh, my God. And it was at 160th and St. Nicholas. And it was on the second floor. We did have an elevatorolas and it was on the second floor we did have an elevator but it was just the second floor so we didn't need the elevator and it was huge it was those are huge apartments up there oh my god wasn't an old it was an old pre-war right it was yeah pre-war uh but like really well kept up and the kitchen was big the living room was enormous like we didn't know what to do with ourselves. We went to the Bronx to get a couch

and we got one for $500 and it was like sitting on a pile of sticks. It was the least comfortable couch you would ever have in your whole life. But we were like, we did it. We bought a couch. The first year of living in New York and populating whatever space you're living in is so exciting.

You know, you. Yes. Yeah. You're like, I'm making choices. I'm a real adult. We bought in our old apartment. We bought this. I found this purple couch on Craigslist for like seventy five or one hundred dollars.

Went, picked it up, put it in our space. And this is after years of having futons and we were like yes a real couch and then my friend evan came over sat on the back of it and broke it immediately the first night i had it uh new york but did you keep the couch and just tell people not to sit on that end yes of course we did i was like i simply can't go get another couch i remember getting furniture at gotham furniture and i was like gotham because i live in new york city and i just felt like such a new yorker and it's just like such a chain of you know wood you know seats and stuff like that it's like a pottery pottery barn, but you're like, it's from Gotham.

Yeah. Lori, real quick, we have to take a break. Okie doke. And we're back. What's the last date you went on do you remember was it good the last date i remember was oh it was a lunch date and no it was like a coffee date and the guy oh my god so the guy there was really no we talked but there was no there seemed to be no connection on both ends and then um we each paid for our own coffee fine and then i did i did a set on conan and he commented in the comments i went on actually went on a coffee date with her can you imagine and i'm like what can you imagine yes oh my word i know i know and it was it was more

the whole day was just like chit chat and i and i think it's just a complete fear of women in comedy but also like if you why are you watching me on TV if you weren't into it? What is that? Why are you still following it and commenting on things? The wildest part is commenting. I think it's well within reason for him to be like, oh, I'm curious to see what this person I went on a date with does for a living since it's so public. But then to comment?

Can you imagine yeah uh did you respond i don't remember i i don't remember i should i could go back and i could go back and find it but he also used the emoji with the teeth like you like that like like what what what do you mean i i did i did i do a joke about cutting penises off? I didn't. It's fine. You're safe with me. The best part about that is I'm sure he brings,

if he's not in a relationship, every date he goes on, he brings it up. Every time he meets a new woman, he's like, I want to date with a lady who does stand-up. Do you want to see it? And they're like, no, I simply don't. He thinks every joke is about him. It's like, you aren't, this date didn't even merit a joke.

And I only bring it up now because Nicole asked. And I had to search the archives. So it's not even top level. I wonder if the gentlemen I've been, I don't think the men I've been out with like even consume my comedy enough to be like, you're talking about me. Are you on apps and do they know you're Nicole Byer or. I was on apps.

I got off them this year because I was like, it's sad out here. And I opened them and I don't feel good. And, you know, I just not for me anymore. But maybe maybe in the future I'll hop back on. And very rarely did they know who I was. My demographic isn't straight men. I'll do shows and I'll go. Are there any there any straight men here no you can hear a pin drop um but i did go out with this man one time who i've talked about him before he was like i don't know who you are and i was like okay and i was like you saying you

don't know who i am makes me feel like you know exactly who I am. And then he was like, later he said, oh, my roommates, they're girls. They listen to your podcast. And I was like, okay. And then later he was like, I did see you on Conan and you're pretty, you're funny. And I was like, okay. So it was just like him just slowly being like, I know exactly who you are. Big fan, big fan big fan and then uh the date was just bad and i ignored every single red flag he was waving at me at one point he told me he sleeps all day

and he has a night job and that he he was like yeah i sleep all day and and i don't really like the sun i don't really like being awake with other people and I was like I think that's called depression have you been to like therapy and then he like looked at me and was like therapy's for rich people and I was like oh okay I think I don't I don't think so every sentence reveals more and more how he's not the right guy for you but just the idea that he had this information about you and he slowly planning when to leak how much he knew about you was also a lot of deception. Almost on the level of the woman who, you know, got out of the DV situation where like, how much have you been thinking about me? When to tell me, you know, instead of just offer it all up. I'm your biggest fan.

I listened to your podcast. I watched your Conan. I can't believe you want to go on a date with me. That would be amazing, right? I, you know, it is interesting. Sometimes that's great. And sometimes it's not. It really just depends on the person. Like I matched with this guy and he was like, oh, I've been a really big fan for a long time. And I'm really excited that we matched. And he was like, oh, I've been a really big fan for a long time. And I'm really excited that we matched. And I can't I'm like, I'm really excited. Like, are you free to go out this weekend? And I was like, yes, I am.

And I thought he was really cute. And I was like, I like that. But had he been like, I don't know, a slightly different looking person, I'd be like, ew, no, I never want to go out with you. It just really depends. And then he ended up canceling on me because he got back together with his his his ex-girlfriend and I was like oh that's really fun and and delightful um he literally wrote me a soliloquy about how he was sad that he wasn't going to be able to take me out and I was like I don't need this oh Oh, my God. This is not it.

Do you think that's true? Do you think he was nervous? Do you think he maybe freaked out and wanted a good reason to not go out with you? Do you think maybe he's like, because he liked you so much, it was almost too many feelings and he couldn't have that sort of masculine control? Like the exuberance intimidated him that he had for you maybe what a treat that would be to like yeah to be so overwhelming to someone they're like I simply couldn't I must go back with someone else oh oh my god the power I have I don't know that never crossed my mind. I think I was just like, oh, well, another person who hurt my feelings, but also didn't hurt my feelings because I didn't meet them.

So and then I truly didn't have anything invested other than like, oh, what a dream. I get to go on a date with someone who already likes me. Well, I wonder if now if it is true that he went back with his ex, could he always say, you know what? You better be nice to me or I've got Nicole Byer on standby. Honestly, pretty funny. I'm sure she'd be like, OK, then go be with her. Wait, what?

That's not how I thought it would work out. I just want to pivot back to Valentine's Day. Yes. Okay. The year is 2026. You have been dating someone for nine and a half months, and Valentine's Day is just around the river bend. What is your ideal Valentine's Day date? I guess it would be uh some sort of dinner

overlooking the pacific ocean that's nice someplace that has never had a comedy night i don't want to walk in and go oh yeah i yeah, I performed here. And I don't want comedians to appear. I want it to be just us over candlelight and all that kind of stuff looking over the water and enjoying each other's company. That's like nice, simple and romantic. What a dream. OK, I'm going to steal it. I want that, too. And I'll go to a different restaurant. Don't worry.

Oh, that's right. What if there are other comedians? What if there's only one restaurant that we could actually go to where there's no threat of a comedy show breaking out? And so we're all there on Valentine's Day. That would be so funny. I have performed at many a shows where people are eating dinner and they're like, wait, what? I don't want this. And I'm like, I'm sorry. I also don't want this. I thought you'd be an audience of people who chose to be at a show.

It is so weird that people are served food while they're laughing because it's one or the other with your mouth. And so if you if you accidentally eat and someone tells a joke you like, you're either going to suppress it or be so disgusting that I'm going to have to leave the building. You just like spray chunks of your food everywhere. I did a show, I did a weekend at the Funny Bone in Virginia Beach. And it was one of the worst weekends. And I really felt like every single show, they didn't know someone was performing and that I was interrupting their dinner their full fucking dinners like during my set so was there a host I don't remember no they didn't hire a host so it was just my friend Christy who was featuring and hosting she was doing I think of like a half

hour and they weren't done with their dinner by the time I got on stage so I was on stage just hearing clink clink clank clank and they're. And they're like, oh, I need more water. Oh, my bread didn't come. And I was like, what is this? It was awful. That feels like this set up to a lot of Eastern seaboard funny bones where they just they they buy the franchise and stick it at a black Angus or some sort of steakhouse and then just start doing shows. Yeah, it's wild. But you're right. Like a full dinner at a at a stand up club is wild. Yeah. Nachos to people, a little finger foods. Yeah. Not steaks. Nothing you need to use a fork to put in your mouth. It needs to be real casual, real small. Yeah.

Yes. Lori, I have a question. I ask all of my guests who are stand-ups this. Do you have any chuckle fuckers or have you had? Well, here's the thing. I don't get, you know, I get some men after a show when I'm selling merch. But I fear for my safety always and flee to the hotel room so I don't get murdered. That's my goal at the end of every night.

But my son's father was my feature at a club. That's how we met. And so obviously not the happiest of endings. But after my, you know, my kid is the great part. So, yeah, I have hooked up with some comics. I also, you know, hooked up with a comic during a comedy competition. But he wasn't he wasn't doing great. So I didn't feel like I was, you know, exploiting anything or trying to get a higher place. You're trying to fuck him out of the competition. You're already doing terribly.

I'll take you out with my pussy. That's so funny. I feel like, I say this all the time, I feel like men have so many chuckle fuckers and ladies don't really have very many. I've only fucked one audience member and i've done so many shows what was the condition what made you feel safe with this person um on stage i said are there any straight men here and there was one man who was like i am

and i said okay are you single and he said yes and he was irish and i was like, I am. And I said, okay, are you single? And he said, yes. And he was Irish. And I was like, okay. And I was like, are you here with friends? And they were like, he was like, yes. And then I said to the friends, I said, is he a nice man? And they were like, yes.

And I said, okay, well, get in my DMs on Instagram if you're a nice man. And then he did. And then he came to my hotel room and then he was really, really nice. And we had a very nice night. He made it into my special because he called me,

God, what did he call me? Scraggles, I don't know. My pussy wasn't shaved all the way and he had a thing to say and i said okay um and then we like talked on and off on instagram for a little bit and then i very recently was like hey do you want to do my podcast and talk about that because that was fun and wild and he was like i don't think my girlfriend would like it and i was like of course you're dating someone of course you're happy in a relationship yeah you know i feel like female comics are something a man has to get out of his system

before he can settle down with a normal woman and so we're always we're always a story for them um but i i think it's cool that your fan base uh they they vetted him for you you know and you would trust them i mean that seems like the that's almost better than an actual matchmaker vetting is your people that love you and came to see you vetting the guy that's really cool because he was not familiar with anything i had done um and i believe him because he truly was just like yeah i i didn't know you at all and you were really funny. And I was like, oh, because usually it's a man going, I didn't know who you were

and you were pretty funny. You should keep going. And I'm like, you could say I'm very funny. You could say you had a nice time. You don't have to keep, I don't need an inspiration to keep going. I will. I know.

But yeah, and then he was just like, I had such a nice time and I'm glad my friends brought me. He was just a really nice man. Oh, cool. And did he go back to Ireland or was he U.S. based no I think he still lives in the city I met him in I think I don't know I think he was like he's here to stay which is crazy because I would go back to Ireland please any any way to escape I would yeah I would take every time i leave here i go it's better

everywhere else everywhere but then i'm like the the like learning curve of living somewhere else and the adjustment i think would be too much for me which is why i keep coming back home to my leaky house yes i mean especially if you have to learn another language um yes but i do i do want to live in europe for a little while and just do stand up there and uh that's fun you know before i die it's one of one of those things that i want to do while i'm healthy you know and can traipse around and climb up those those little tiny stairs that they have so many stairs i don't know how old people live in europe it's a lot of like cobblestone and walking and stairs i know and in italy uh i mean I haven't been to Italy, but just what I've seen,

just how did the elderly do it? And they're, you know, they're in incredible shape. That's why they've been doing it their whole lives. I don't know. I went to Italy and it is a lot of cobblestone. And I was like, you can't wear heels here. You can't wear anything but a sneaker here. And it was so hard. I love Italy. You got to go to Italy. I know. I know. It's so pretty. And also the pasta, anywhere you go, the pasta's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. I got carbonara or cacio e pepe.

I don't remember. But I had asked for parmesan cheese and the man said, no. And I was like, okay. And then my friend Matteo, who was with me, I think you know him. Matteo Lane? Oh my god. He was like, who is with me, I think you know him. Matteo Lane? Yeah. Oh, my God. He was like, they're not going to give it to you.

Oh, my God. Incredible. Is he from Italy or is he just Italian-American? He is Italian-American, but has family, I believe, in Sicily. Oh, my gosh. Someone's going to get this back to him and he's going to be like, Nicole, you got that wrong. And I'll just apologize in advance, Matteo.

But I know he's got family in Italy. It's wild. He speaks Italian and he speaks Spanish and he also speaks French. It's nuts. Anyway. He's too talented for lowly stand-up comedy. I feel like stand-up should be the last resort. And if someone can sing and has his abilities, I'm like, what are you doing in the gutter where the rest of us are?

Please, you're an opera singer. My God. That's so funny. I think that all the time. I'm like, you're too talented and you're hot. This sucks. Lori, I have a question. Yes.

Do you have any advice for people who are single? Do you have any advice for people who are single? I would say having had a kid and having had to move my mother in with me the last four years of her life is things change quickly. And your life can change really quickly with other responsibilities. And so have as much fun as you can while you are the only person you're responsible for. Because when you're not, then that changes you permanently. And that it's often a permanent change. So do it all now while you can. And yeah, I think that's my advice to single people. I like that. Do it all while you can.

Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Because I think, I feel like you're bolder when you're younger. So it's like, just get it all out. Do everything you want. And the thing is, is even if you're not going to have kids, and I know a lot of people aren't you you probably will have an elderly parent situation and it's very overwhelming so yeah just uh and that happens in the blink of an eye it really does people deteriorate rather fast um when they need to be taken care of

I don't think I'm having any children, but also both my parents are dead. I'm free. I got no responsibilities. Girl, I don't even know why you're doing this podcast. Go to Italy right now. Get on a plane. What are you doing here? Bye. Lori, I ask all of my guests this would you date me i would absolutely and let's keep this podcast going nicole yes okay laurie do you have anything that you want to promote i have a a new special that uh came out uh january 30, and it's called Cis Woke Grief Slet. And it's about an hour of stand up a ton of jokes. I joke about my mom dying of COVID, being a parent and etc, etc. And, you know, I have my dates on my website, lauriekilmartin.com i'll be in chicago in march i'll be in ann arbor in march i'll be in vermont burlington in may and uh dayton ohio also in may so sexy dayton ohio absolutely i've ever been there i do feel like that i do get flirted with more in ohio by conservative men who want to change me. And I am willing to endure that sort of,

I guess, hate fuck if. But again, my son has to be out of high school. That's really funny. They are very vigorous. They want to change you? I think so. Yeah, I get this. Yes. Because you know what? I was raised by Republicans, think so yeah i get this yes because you know what i was raised by republicans right that's the kind of and so i feel like i emanate some sort of like uh oh she's she's straight far from home but i can get her back to the land she's she's an animal that's out in the wild with liberals or something you know that's like a man being like you're a lesbian i can change that and it's like a man being like, you're a lesbian. I can change that. And it's like, well, I don't know. I don't know if you can fuck my liberalism out of me.

That's so funny. Yeah. Well, Lori, thank you so much for doing this. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe. You can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something dirty hitting on me, and you can submit that to whywontyoudatemepodcasts at gmail.com,

I will read it. This nice person said, my dream date with you is when I shave off all of your hair and cover you in money, Wolf of Wall Street style. Okay. Before laying down on a surgery table to dissect your vagina. This person wants to cut me up?

Wait, it started so good and then what a turn. And then they're cutting me up. That's terrible. Someone call the police. You're in danger, Nicole. Well, that really upset me. Okay, bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer. This show is produced by me. Okay, bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer. This show

is produced by me, Mars, with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywon'tyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.