Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - We're Getting Juiced (w/ Alison Rich)

Episode Date: January 4, 2018

Alison Rich (The Goldbergs, Party Over Here) joins Nicole for a nice juicing. Get ready to listen to some crazy Tinder hookup stories, find out how Nicole is connected to the Kardashians, and the time Nicole slept with a man who had a LIZARD in his room.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at:https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer on social media:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Ooh, ooh! I'm Nicole... Sorry. It's okay, you didn't ruin it I'm Nicole Byer and this is my podcast it's called

why won't you date me and the person you're hearing giggling at my very funny voice is my dear friend Allison Rich you can see her currently on the Goldbergs and She was on a show with me called Party Over Here on Fox. Rest in peace because it doesn't exist. It got canceled. Hi, Allison. Hi, how are you? Oh, my gosh. I'm fantastic.

Thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. You're really honored. Don't be honored. You're like my dear friend. I mean, even more honored. Sometimes when I feel down about my life, I do look around at my friends and go, I have cool friends. Something must be okay.

Yes. And also, I mean, it makes me laugh even more to hear you say that because of our interesting beginnings. Oh, yes. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Allison, I was working the front desk at UCB, and I heard click, clack, click, clack of heels just walking through the hallway. And then I heard someone say something about improv auditions

and if she should line up early and what was the likelihood of not being seen to sign up for them. And I was like, this girl is doing too much. And then we were put on a team together and I was like, I hope she stopped doing too much. I know. I feel like I had a solid year at UCB where I was just too much of a try hard and I was also sort of like doing musical theater at at the time and

that world is all to catch people up UCB is the upright citizens brigade theater uh where we both met and started performing at yes uh in New York City it's owned by the UCB4 they came over from Chicago and they brought the herald an improv structure We spent a lot of time doing a lot of improv and a lot of sketch comedy. But it paid off. We got paid to do sketch comedy on television for six people who watched it. But yeah, that's how I know Allison.

Allison is the most fun. I adore her. She lived on my couch for eight months. I called her my couch monster. And then other people came to live on my couch for eight months. Eight solid months. I called her my couch monster. And then other people came to live on your couch for periods of time, but I would be like, I am the official. You're the OG couch monster. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man.

Weird thing to take pride in. That was fun. I miss those. With every step I take with my life, I miss the former. Yes, I think that's natural. My old shitty apartment in New York, sometimes I'll think about it and be like, it was caving in on itself. But we had some fun times. Yeah, because it's just different problems.

You could probably do stuff then that would have no consequences, whereas now it would have consequences. then that would have no consequences whereas now it would have consequences you know but uh i also think the thing about that apartment with you me and john living together is we're like all sort of similar in that we like like having people around and we're like three cartoon characters that just like would love to stay up all night gabbing about gossip and screaming. I'm sure my new neighbors are like the loudest woman just moved on the street. But I think they like me. So, Allison, you are a single lady. Uh-huh. You are you're on dating apps. Have you ever are you like me? We both have never had long-term actual boyfriends, right? This is true, yeah. Yes, and that is- Wow, really cutting right to it.

If I had any hope of seeming cool, it's out the door. Well, I don't think it's a cool thing because I know a lot of lame, dumpy-ass women- That's true. Who have boyfriends, and I'm like, how? Why? I once said that to you I was like kind of complaining about that once years ago to Eliza Skinner and she's like you care about getting a boyfriend have you seen people with boyfriends they're dumpsters and I was like yeah

I also think that there's a there's like a perfect storm of like lots of comedy people like don't know how to do that area of their life and, like, living in a big city. I've spent many a night rationalizing why there's perhaps this deficiency in my life. I said to John the other night, I was like, I feel like a lot of uninteresting women have boyfriends in a relationship. So I was like, am I too interesting for a boyfriend? And he laughed and said no. I mean, but I do think what is true about what you're saying is it's kind of like music. Like what's on the radio, most pop music is like good.

But like is someone going to be like this is the greatest music of all time? And I think there's perhaps a group of people out there that like date a ton because they're like girl next door, boy next door, middle of the road, like they can work with lots of people's lives. Whereas I think we're like acquired tastes. And again, all of this is rationalizing so that I don't crumble into a ball of like garbage. But I do think we're like specific. And so we're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. But for the people whose cup of tea we are they're gonna drink it fast or whatever that metaphor would be i want somebody to sip on me sip on us sip on me are you on you're on tinder yes no no you're not i'm not on tinder i'm actually not on any apps these moments wow this is this is news to me. Yeah, I did

have a Tinder moment. Like I did Tinder for a sec, maybe two years ago and had like, I think the most Tinder experience, which is like, I met a guy who was like a psycho, but like we had an afternoon date and I was like fully naked within like two hours. And I was like, what am I doing? But the, and then we had like six weeks of crazy hooking up. And he was like, very, I remember one time we hooked up and he's like, I've been thinking about doing it. And I was like, what? And he goes, modeling, you know, like this, this kind of like super egocentric, like, but at the time I, I, kind of like super egocentric like but at the time I I when he told me so many red flag things he he told me uh I feel so sad for past Allison he was like 29 and he was like I had sex with a 17 year old but in New York it's not statutory rape and I was like uh cool cool you mean like

six years ago he goes last year and I was like, I'll hook up with you for two more weeks. Like, just, like, and that, like, exploded so fast that I was like, no more Tinder for me. I know that I've only talked about the negative parts about it. The good part was, like, he made me feel like a sex goddess. So that's why it was really hard for me to, or I just didn't immediately run off the bat. Sometimes you need that. Yes. But so then I, when I do do apps, I do like Hinge and, and what's the fucking other one? Bumble.

And I like dated one guy for four months from Hinge. And then a couple years ago, I dated a guy for like five months from OkCupid. But. Wait, how long ago was the OkCupid? Like 2014. No, 2015. I feel like OkCupid has really fallen out. No, yeah.

I went back to it after that and you can't. It's like the dregs, like just weirdos. Yes. Because there's none of that like we have to match before there's discussion. Yes, you can just talk to whoever you want. I keep getting messages from, like, 60-year-old Hispanic men from Pasadena who are like, excuse me. Wait. I want you.

Why have you not adjusted your age settings? Why is there a 60-year-old? Because I don't want to put up a, like, what if I fall in love with a very hot daddy? There's a difference between walls and, like, boundaries. Sure, sure. A wall is just a mean boundary, but you can have nice boundaries. I guess. I guess.

I just, I don't know. Like, what if I meet, like, a babe of a 60-year-old who's just like, hi, I have my life together. I'm a silver fox. I'm very sexy. I mean, I sometimes like, when I the guys that I meet in real life that I end up having a thing with,

I'm like, if you had a dating profile, I'm sure I wouldn't look at you because I bet you're bad. Either you're like, not traditionally attractive or you're a dumb dude who wouldn't know how to like, market himself. So when I am on apps and i'm looking at guys i'll like anybody who's kind of borderline for me i'm like well maybe they're like one of

those guys who does that's what i do i'm like oh normally i wouldn't but i guess i recently it was not a date okay so i'm shooting my show lucy exactly Things Not Clean and Clown. You can watch it on Facebook. And the new guy we cast as my new boyfriend is this guy named BJ Britt, who is so hot. And I've told this to his face. But continue. He's so hot. I guess, yeah, blowjobs. Blowjob Britt. I haven't said that to him yet.

I will on Monday. But he is so hot. And one of our first scenes, or one of our first days together ended with him making out with me. And he juiced me the fuck up. I was like, ooh, baby. I need to get railed. His lips were juicy. He was good at kissing.

And I was like, oh my God. So I like in between the setup went on Tinder and was like swiping, swiping, swiping, just trying to find something. So then I matched this guy. He his name is Nick. And on his profile, it says he makes music for the Kardashians. And I was like, how weird. This is another because there was the other guy yes whoa should we fill the audience in or no no yeah he doesn't deserve the breath

no sure doesn't uh but I literally like I can't escape that yeah that is maybe it's what it's gonna culminate in is you fucking Kim Kardashian I hope if it ended up being that it would be worth the ups and downs juicy well I guess I could fill in the audience. I dated a guy who edited the Kardashian Instagram videos. And now here's another. And now here's another dude who works with the Kardashians that I met on Tinder. So it's just like, I guess I'm just going to keep meeting men who have Kardashian money via making things for them. So anyway, he messages me and he's like, do you want to go skinny dipping? And I was like, where? He was like, in my jacuzzi. And I didn't want to say that's like skinny sitting. That's not a dip.

You're not swimming around, okay? So I was just like, whatever. Fine. Do you live alone? He was like, yes. I was like, great. Let's do it. So then I went home to shave my puss real quick because I was like, it was very overgrown

because I was very sad from somebody and I wasn't grooming. P.S. I recommend laser. I had my sixth session today. Continue. No, I cannot. Laser scares me. You want to put a laser

near my clit? I mean, there's enough, like, shit in this world that you're not even aware of that's bad for you. Like, and it doesn't... I've done it. I don't think a single person's gotten their clit burned off. But does it hurt? A little, but not more than waxing.

And it lasts better. Anyway. How long does it last? I mean, you have to do it a couple of times, I think, for it to last long term. But I've done it. You do it like once a month. Okay. And in that time, maybe I'll like do a touch up of a shave once. And it's like it, like I am Armenian and it is showing up in my bush, you know, like I

have a full, like, I sell whatever, baba ganoush out my cuss. But this, it was like, now it looks like I have cancer. Wait, is it bald? Well, no, I leave a strip because I'm a liberated woman. What happens if, like... This is so much information the world is getting. What happens if full bush, Full Bush comes into fashion?

No, I've thought about that. And the thing is that it doesn't – most people say that after a couple of years, stuff starts to come back. I don't know if it's ever going to fully be Armenian again, but I think enough will come back. Because I do think about like when I give birth, like wouldn't it'll be funny if I'm like I have a sexy little landing strip as like my child's nose is like coming out of my crotch. I like that you think it's better to give birth with a full bush. I just think like if you had a groomed bush, doctors and whatever, all your family that's looking in there is going to be like, what are you trying to prove? I don't know. I don't know. These are the things I think.

That's very funny. I never once thought about that. I also, I just have like sparse hair. Oh, that's. I, my pussy looks like, like a, like a 60 year old man who's balding. There's just like patches here and there. Oh, wow. And that's, I'm not a hairy person.

Yeah. So like even my, I haven't shaved my legs in, I don't know, 10 years, 7 years, something like that. And there's just like little wisps. Whoa, not me. I'm lucky that way, I guess. Wait, I cut you off. Oh, no, it's fine. So then I, we're going skinny dipping in his jacuzzi so i go home

shave my puss get in my car drive 25 minutes because he was in north hollywood he was right where he was where i began my day so i get to his house um he gives me the address i arrive i text him i said i think i'm here he goes where i said i think i'm in front of your house he goes i don't see you and he said i'm in front of? I said, I think I'm in front of your house. He goes, I don't see you. And I said, I'm in front of a gate. He goes, there's no gate in front of my house. And I was like, hey, man, then I don't know what to tell you. And then I hear his voice and it's behind me. And he goes, oh, I think I gave you my neighbor's address.

And I was like, what? So that was like the red flag one. But first of all, so you don't want me to know where you live i get that cool i'm a stranger but you invited me to your house wait i don't think that's a you don't want me to because you ultimately go into his house and you can see the number but why would he give me his neighbor's address i mean he's across yeah that doesn't make any sense that's it's more like if your phone auto corrected like theed, like, the wrong, I don't know. I feel like he was like, oh, I don't want to, like, give out my address.

I feel like he's a dummy. Yeah. At this point, I was like, this man is dumb. And he's, like, trying to show he's not dumb by being like, look, I did this thing where you can't, you know, and it's like. Yeah, I like, oh, I don't know. So then I, like, go in his house. His house is the strangest little little couch it was the smallest couch I had ever seen yeah for a human to sit on he had a weird pool table and then he gives me a

tour of his house and he's like this is my recording studio there was a laptop just one laptop oh my god I was like what are you recording but then I was like whatever and then he was like and this is my studio and he was, it's my green screen room. There was no green screen. And like, what did he look like his pictures? That's always the first thing. He looked just like his picture. Okay, that's good.

He looked just like it. I would say he photographed a little better than he looked in person, but like whatever. Don't we all? I mean, we all. Yes. Filters and shit really help. So then we go into his bedroom and there is some sort of lizard the biggest lizard i have ever seen and it's just like in this like glass case and then a red light

not a heat lamp just a red light in his room and i was like red flag number two i need to fucking leave and then he talks for too long we're just talking talking talking he's telling me that actors are lazy because all we have to do is learn lines and hit marks and i was like all right i mean you're literally insulting what i do and i was like i'm an actress because at that point i was like i usually don't tell people what i do if i care about them because i just don't want to talk about it yet which is weird we'll get into that later. No, yeah. I see that. And then he was like, oh, cool. Well, I'm not like talking about you, but like most actors are just bad. And I was like, great.

Do you want to like get in your hot tub? And he was like, yeah, let's do it. So I like take off my clothes, get in his hot tub. Whoa. So was it like, or is it like you're undressing in front of each other? Or because have you been drinking? Like that just feels very clinical to be like, now care comes to naked. He offered me a beer.

I said, do you have anything else? He said, I have vodka. I said, oh, great. I'll have a vodka. Do you have club soda? Yes. Opens his refrigerator. It's filled with like old, I don't know, yogurt cups.

And he was like, ah, no, I guess I don't. I was like, well, do you at least have ice? And he was like, ah, yeah. And then he like pulls out this ice and it had fused together so it was a block of ice so then he was like smashing the ice oh my god and you're like i'm so wet and i was like i drove 25 minutes i know i'm gonna get this dick so then um so we had a drink or two or whatever. And then we are, so then I was like, let's get in the jacuzzi. So then I like started taking off my clothes.

And he was like, oh, yeah. And I was like, let's not do that. Well, I mean, better that than like, no. Or like, what? I thought you would be a dog underneath. I thought you were smaller than the thing I'm looking at now. So then, it'd be funny if I took off my clothes and I was a dog. Yeah. So then we're like in his lukewarm hot tub.

Okay. It was, I can't even describe. It was like sitting in like a puddle. Was it bubbling? It was bubbling, but it wasn't hot. I don't know if he had turned it on. I haven't really had water experiences except like shower stuff. Well, we didn't fuck in the hot tub.

But even like just get, I'm like, if you were cuddling up on each other, it's like, are you slip sliding? Like, I'm like, what's the real, how does it really go down? Honestly, I don't know because he sat so far away from me. And I was was like what is happening what are we doing and then i don't even know how the conversation got there but he was like i think trump is a good businessman oh great honestly if you're listening and you like trump so we all have our opinions me personally he's not for me and i said that and he was like but you can't dispute he's a good businessman. And I was like, but I can.

And I don't really want to talk about it. And he's like, nobody ever wants to talk about it. Also, like, who cares? I didn't vote in this election. And I was like, okay, red flag number three. I love it. I love it. But I'm all juiced up from before.

And I drove 25 minutes. How long has it been since the juicing? Like two hours? At this point, like a good solid two hours. Aren't you like dried and congealed over at this point? I am still throbbing with juice and trying to get like. You know what we should do or you should have as a segment on this podcast is like a red flag off. Because when you said the like red light thing, it reminded me of this guy that I once hooked up with where I got to his place.

And on the wall, he had cut out all of the pages of catcher in the rye and stapled them to his wall like he was a beautiful mind and I still hooked up with him and he was so I was like and he was like eight years older than me oh no like oh my god anyway that's very funny yeah I would love to be inside his brain when he was like, I'm going to staple all the pages to catch her in the ride on my wall. That's insane. And I was like, not yet jaded enough to, instead of being like, what? I was like, wow, cool. This is so cool.

I feel like women do that. Yeah. We're just like, wow. Like guys will be like, oh, you're dumb fucking shopping shit. And we're like, football's great. Yeah, but I do think now at this point I like. Guitars are wonderful. I can't do that as well.

No, I mean, I wasn't shy about me being like, man, you're saying the dumbest shit. So then after being in the jacuzzi for too long, and I was like, I need this man to shut up, otherwise I'm going to leave and not get juiced. Not get squeezed. So then I was like,

can you fuck me or something? And he was like, oh, yeah, okay. And then I noticed when he was getting out of the hot tub that he was shaped like Grimace. He had the widest hips. Oh my gosh. And the smallest shoulders. had he had you guys kissed yet no well nothing he did he invited me over for sex and then i had to put in the work i had to listen to him i had

to be like let's fucking go do it so we get on his bed that's like basically on the floor and then he was like he was a good kisser he was good at working working that puss he was very good fingering rubbing all that stuff was great great great and then i was like do you want to fuck me like it's just because it was just like all touching well i had come already so i was like it feels good i'd like to have a dick inside me so then he was like yes yes i do and i was like great so then i was'd like to have a dick inside me. So then he was like, yes, yes, I do. And I was like, great. So then I was like, do you have a condom?

And he was like, yep. And he, like, pulls out a condom and is, like, smiling with it. And I was like, put it on. He was like, uh-huh. And then he, like, rips it with his teeth and it doesn't rip. And he rips it again with his teeth. It doesn't rip. So then I go, use your second hand.

Oh, my God. So he uses his second hand and opens it and puts it on he literally fucked me for i would say no less than 42 seconds before he was like did he make that noise yep wow he was not that wild. It was more like, ugh. Well, I would say that sometimes, like, I do kind of wish, I feel like most of the dudes I come across, when they come, they, like, don't make a sound. And I would like a little sound. I have a theory about it. Because a lot of men make sounds with me.

And I think my butt is the biggest butt they've had slamming against their pelvis. Wow. So I think it's like a very wild sensation that they're not used to. Yeah. But, I mean, maybe I think too highly of my butt. No. But, like, I love it.

It's very big. That's great. I get compliments. Yeah. Oh, then afterwards, he was like, do you want to shower? And I was like, no, I'm going to go. And he's like, I get compliments. Yeah. Oh, then afterwards, he was, like, doing a shower. And I was like, no, I'm going to go. And he's like, oh, okay. And I was like, what?

You can't be sad. I have to leave. And he's like, I'll just, like, walk you to your car. And I was like, okay. And then he, like, closed the door and then stood there. And I was like, what is happening? I don't know. So then I rolled down the window and he's like see you soon and I was like sure sure Nick I'll see you soon and I like rolled up the window and drove away I'm like I'm never gonna see this man

again oh my gosh so many things done back there I one thing I want to say is I think the not being super long, I think the first couple times with a dude, like, I don't know that we necessarily realize that they're like, we can kind of more just lay there if, for whatever, I mean, you'd like to be more active, but I think there's a lot of pressure on the guy to like

do something fancy or whatever. So I think that that can contribute to the first couple times being not stellar. Yeah, I have a lot of one night stands. And the older I get, the more I'm like, oh, these will be better if I just tell these people what I want. Uh-huh. Yeah.

But yeah. X, Y, and Z. Yeah. But it's hard. Yes. This conversation is so good. But we have to take a break. Oh my gosh. When we come back, we'll talk more about Tinder. Allison, you don't have a Tinder anymore. No.

But I want you to look at my Tinder. Okay. I think you might have seen my Tinder page. I'm not sure. I think so. Is it still like you with a big black dick? Like a dildo? Yes.

Okay. So you've seen it before. You think I should change that, right? I feel like you're a friend who's like you should change that girl i think it depends on what your goals are if you're trying to lead with your sexual downness then keep it but if you're because the story you recounted of like this sort of weird hookup maybe like you would have less of that if it wasn't so much, like, here's a big black dick dildo.

But if you're like, you know what, that, because you also, also to be realistic about, like, Tinder, maybe that's, like, all you can get out of that. Mm-hmm. But if you were, like, on Hinge or Bumble or, you know, something else, then maybe you wouldn't put that because that's more, like, datey. Mm-hmm. You know, it's just what's your goal? I guess my goal for Tinder is if I need to get juiced.

I don't know. I've never said this before. I've never said juiced. Now it's a thing. Can that be the name of this episode? We get juiced. Allison and I are just getting juiced. And we just have to wear ponchos.

But the ponchos come from our vaginas. Yum. But the other thing, though, is that because I think people really think of hooking up when they think of Tinder, it almost feels unnecessary to also put this dildo in your picture because they're like, well, this person probably considers fucking on the table. And yeah, that's my thought but hey here look at the rest of it and remember

you're on a podcast so you just have to describe what you see oh and if you also your age here is a lie yes I don't know how to fix it on Facebook it won't let me change it again but because it used to be like 104. Okay. And then I changed it to my real age. And then I made it younger when my age wasn't on my IMDB. I see. Because I was like, I don't want anyone to

know. Yeah. But now they do. Oh, also, if you want to see what Allison is seeing, you can go to my Facebook page, my fan page, Nicole Byer comedy on Facebook.com, and you can see the actual images. Oh, my gosh. This is great. Okay. So picture one we're seeing is Nicole looking fucking gorgeous. But she is holding in her hand a, like, really girthy, like, foot-long black dick dildo. Mm-hmm.

And that's, you know, really – you know what would be funny is if you change the dildo. And that's, you know, really... You know what would be funny is if you change the dildo to a tiny one so guys aren't intimidated because I don't have a penis and I'm intimidated by this. But here's the thing. Why would you be intimidated by it? Because it's suggesting that perhaps the thing that will satisfy you most is something huge and no human man has this?

I guess I think it's so comically big that like 0.2% of the world could actually take that dildo. I think maybe if it was a little bigger or it was like a penis that was a chair, you know? But I don't know. Have you had guys comment, like guests tell you what they think of your profile because yes I'm just

I've had some people say I would not lead with it maybe put it at the end get rid of it altogether some people like it because they're like you're being up front with like

what you think is funny and what you like yeah I also like your what you write in it I feel like that's always challenging may I read this sure so she says I got a fat ass so what you write in it. I feel like that's always challenging. May I read this?

Sure. So she says, I got a fat ass, so if you're into it, and then wavy emoji. Love that. I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long to not laugh. Oh, that's it. I thought you were going to say life is too fucking short. No, life is long. Kill us already.

There's 24 hours in a day. That is a long day. I feel like life is long. Kill us already. There's 24 hours in a day. That is a long day. I feel like life is zipping by. I mean. And then you have DTF, down to figure skate, or fuck, or farm, or fly, a kite, whichever is easier. If I were being a gram, there's a grammatical error. Is there? What is it?

It would be whichever is easiest because easier is for two things you're comparing you know what's interesting it used to say fucker farm there whichever is easier and I just never adjusted it there you go thank you hey no problem I mean I have your back grammar wise I'm a little sad that a man hasn't caught that grammatical error then you have you uh by a big Christmas tree and you're wearing a cute outfit. I guess you are humping the Christmas tree if we look closely. Thank you. You're the only person who's gotten that.

I should date you. That's what this is. You should date me. And then, ooh, looking really glamorous. This is more like a going out look is the next picture in front of a what seems like a quality sectional um and then there's you humping a bookcase in a unitard um yeah and yeah i think i love that and then another picture of you which seems to be on like the set of some game show it looks like the voice but but in the shape of a heart. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, that's in

Australia. Okay. It was at Madame Tussauds. I was a real tourist when I went to Australia. And then you with your dog, Clyde, and your makeup is looking dope. You got some cool-ass eyebrows. Thank you. Yeah. I mean, I, yeah, might

change the order, and I think that dick photo is either going to make people be like, yeah, or be like, I'm scared. But I think that the photos are, like, totally great because they're, like, honest but also, like, positive and fun. And they show a sense of humor. What do I know? I'm nobody. I had an interaction with somebody. Okay. That I want to talk to you about okay yeah what i mean can you tell me a little bit more about like what your podcast is like this it's a yeah it's you

like this talking to people about your about my dating your dating all of our dating. I love it. So this man, his name is Steven. He's 33. Okay. He's attractive. Okay. He's got some good pictures. Okay. A headshot, which I'm not into. Gross. I hate that. But it seems all good. Okay. His

profile says, I skateboard, I art, I food too. I food too. I food too. I don't know what that means. I mean, he's like into food or he cooks. I guess. Or he's like trying to be funny. Oh, I screenshot.

The last time I was on Bumble was like six months ago and I screenshot this like horrible guy's profile. And I wanted to like put it on Instagram. But I've always been entangled with somebody else while I've wanted to put it on Instagram, but I've always been entangled with somebody else while I've thought to do it. And I'm like, I can't post this because I don't want the other person to be thinking thoughts. But the bio, it's a 36-year-old guy who calls himself a comedian. And the bio, let me see if I can get this right, is, I want a pretty girl with an ugly girl's personality. Oh, no. I mean, honestly, maybe I love that because he just showed you inside his soul. You're like, I know exactly what a horrible asshole you are. another podcast but he said i'm looking for um a smart girl uh who wears v-necks and shows off

that chest so i messaged him i was like but what if i wear total necks and i'm a dummy and i thought it was really funny and he didn't message me back oh okay so how would you respond to this steven said girl you're the funniest. Down to figure skate anytime. Smiley face. Cute. I like that. But do you? Okay.

Here's the thing. Okay. Am I the funniest because of my profile or am I the funniest because he knows who I am? That's a very weird thing and I don't know how to, I don't, I never know how to navigate that. Does that happen a lot that people like reveal partway through that they're like, I know you, you're famous? Yes. Sometimes it happens because it's weird.

I'm in a weird spot where like some people know who I am. A lot of people do not. So like I've been on dates where midway through they'll be like, I know exactly who you are. I've seen you do like a bunch of shows or whatever. Or I've had people be like, I have no idea who you are which is right great and whatever right and then i've had people message me who are like i think you're really funny me and my uh my ex-girlfriend used to like watch girl code and i'd be like okay thank you and then nothing and i'm like oh you just wanted to stop by and say that i'm funny right right well i'd say like as hard as it is like go in assuming the best of

like he just like think because your profile is super funny and like he didn't add in you know like I know you from blah blah or whatever and even if he does like uh and maybe your ideal person like doesn't know you from you know your career like uh anybody you date will come to know that. And that shouldn't like rule them out entirely. Maybe your guard's up like a little bit. But I think if he really knew you from your career, he would say more than that of like, I saw you on this show or whatever. Fair. That's my thought.

I'm always like real trepidatious about people. And I also think he responded like in a joking way of like down to figure skate anytime. Like I think a guy showing that he can banter. Well, I warn you. Warn me. A lot of guys, I guess I don't have to warn you, but some guys actually think I can figure skate. I had one guy who was like, we'll go to Burbank. There's a ice skating rink there. It's open all year round. Do you want to go at this time? And then I was like, oh, do you really actually want to figure skate? He's like, yeah, I really want to see your moves. I've never gone out with someone who could figure skate before,

and I ice skate. And I was like, hey, man, I was very much kidding. And then he went, oh, cool. Well, do you want to do something else? And I was like, uh, I guess. And then he said, how do you know it was that tall? Then he stopped messaging me after I uh, I guess. And then he stopped. How do you know it was that tall? Because then he stopped messaging me after I said, I guess. But I think you're assuming the worst. And I'm a person who does that, too. But I don't think it does us any favors of, like, as if he's typing on his computer with knives for hands being like.

Oh, my gosh. You know, because, like, so many people flake out on people on Tinder or any of these apps because they, like, you you know you don't know this person at all and like yeah fair okay allison yeah you're not into women right i don't i don't say i'm not into women it's not something i've x out of. Anyway, we're not in a position to date, nor do I ever think we would be. Allison, if we were, would you date me? I thought about this because I knew that you. And I think we would have a hot, steamy affair.

Because I feel like these days in my life, dudes fall into one of two categories. Either they're like, oh, this is all the things on paper. Like, you seem like boyfriend material, but then there isn't the like, like it just doesn't work out for some of the reasons that are more ephemeral. Or there's a guy who's like

a fucking crazy pirate boy who I'm like, you could never work, but we have like amazing sex or something like that. And I think perhaps you're a crazy pirate boy yay i may tea it's hard to tea i'll get in your pussy thank you um yep that's that

answer is basically along the lines of what everybody else oh no no one has been like you know what nicole, I see ourselves in a long-term relationship. Okay, but here's the thing. No, it's fine. I would say as your friend, that's what you're putting out there. And so you're totally hitting the mark of what you're putting out there.

But the question is, do you want to be putting that out there? And if you don't, then maybe make adjustments. But if you want that sort of thing. Do you think that's why I'm single? Because that's what I'm putting out there and if you don't then maybe make adjustments but if you want that sort of thing. Do you think that's why I'm single? Because that's what I'm putting out there? I think that is part of it. I also do think like it's really

the city's hard. We live we work in a dumb industry. I think like straight dudes are in a weird place across the board. You know? But I would say that's like a big factor I think is that um like you've got a big black dildo in your tinder profile in life in my i mean kind of oh my god there's glitter in my eye i fell asleep with my with my makeup on last night and I was wearing a shit ton of glitter and I woke up and there was just glitter on my pillows, glitter on my sheets, just glitter everywhere.

But then, okay, my Bumble profile. Okay. I'll have you look at that because I feel like, so on my B profile i can read it to you it says read it to me r to tar to t it says always trying to have fun like literally always there's never a time when i'm not trying to have fun also i like tattoos fun ones i i don't know. It might be just very dumb and I should change it. But there's no there's no dicks in this profile. Okay.

There's it's like me sitting at a desk me climbing that bookcase. Well there is me holding the dildo but you can't see the dildo because Bumble cropped it out because they were like girl let's get you somebody.

And then there's me sitting on a target ball. You know those balls in front of Target. And then there's me sitting on a Target ball. You know those balls in front of Target. And then there's me with E.T. I'm fun. I'll go to touristy places. Me in front of my bathroom with my long braids.

So I'm literally not putting out any fuck vibes. And nobody will talk to me on Bumble. I've gotten one response. I've read it before on the podcast. But I've gotten one me on Bumble. I've gotten one response. I've read it before on the podcast, but I've gotten one response on Bumble from someone I didn't know. It was Billy.

I said, Billy, quick question. Is that black child in your picture yours or borrowed? He said, whoa, he's brown and he's my son. So I said, cool, cool. I'm glad that got cleared up. it could have gotten real awkward and he never responded leading me to believe that he was actually offended that I called his brown kid black

and I was just trying to be like cute and funny like did you borrow this kid to like seem cuter or whatever yeah oh my god the glitter in my eye where is it coming from? I don't know. It's like, on my face,

I'm having like a real issue with my face right now. I fell asleep in this makeup. I have glitter all over my face. I have an awful zit in the middle of my fucking nose, which makes it look like I have three fucking eyes.

That's why I'm wearing glasses. See, I now see the zit now that you're saying it, but to me it just looked like your nose. You can see it via the glass? No, I have to look at myself. That was the wrong thing I said there. It was.

I'm so sorry. Oh, yeah. It's like fucking, it's bad. You're gorgeous. No, I'm a bad, nasty looking idiot. I'm disgusting, Allison. That is the thing about you, Nicole, is you're a bad, nasty looking idiot who's disgusting.

I'm so nasty. So Allison, why do you think you're single? You know, I have wrecked my brain and I don't know why I keep going into this like pseudo Irish accent, but. R to T to T, I guess it's fun for you. I can probably pinpoint a couple things. I think I would be more interested in why you think I am.

But I'll start off perhaps. So let's see. I think I've always, in general, this has been an area of my life that I've struggled with compared to like school or career or friends. So I think I have some like long-term, you know, self-esteem stuff. Not to be like too real, but I think like it's sort of like any sort of clean slate situation. I go into like a new date or like a first date. I'm bringing in, you know, neuroses and things like that that maybe maybe in other areas, like if I go on an audition or I meet a new friend, I don't. And that, you know, you always kind of work on, but it's like,

I can't wake up tomorrow and be like, I feel whole or something, you know? And it's funny, I was thinking about, cause I was thinking about the podcast as I was coming over and sometimes I try to work on myself a lot, but sometimes it feels like, do I have to have myself 100% figured out and self-helped before I, like, work out with someone? Because I feel like I'll be 197 before that happens. So I hope that's not the case. I don't think you need to work yourself out completely before you find someone because we know a bunch of fucking messes who are in relationships. And I also think people kind of seek their same level of like well-adjustedness and things like that. So I just need to find a dude who's like as fucked up as me but in their own way or whatever.

Yes. So I think the self-esteem is a thing. I think I'm – I definitely also think there's's like a I'm kind of an acquired taste like I'm pretty assertive and like I just think that I'm not gonna be every dude's cup of tea I also there's also reasons that I think that

sort of like pat me on the back and are shit on guys and it's like I'll tell that to myself when I'm feeling bad but I don't know how true they are of like I'm doing like pretty fine in my career. Like there's ups and downs. You're doing very well. Thanks.

And I like feel good and whatever. But I do think guys in general, especially in our industry, if they don't feel like they're doing as well or better than the woman, they have a hard time. And there's obviously exceptions. I'm oversimplifying. I'm sure there's examples where it's vice versa gender wise. But sometimes like, I don't know, I'll like a guy who's like not as far along in his career and it's not an issue for me, but it's an issue for them. But also sometimes it's a little bit of an issue for me because I'm like, I don't want to be like holding your hand or – so that's sort of a weird thing too. But I don't know.

I think it's many, many small things. I think I'm like naturally neurotic. So like there have been times when I've sort of like ended something before maybe it needed to be because I'm like, I don't know what this is. So I'm just going to cancel it, you know? And so I don't know. I think it's like a lot of, it's just I've got a rat's nest in my brain. I have a rat's nest in my brain is very funny. Thank you.

I think you might be single because you're too funny. Oh, that's, but there's so many funny women that we know that aren't single. Sure. Oh, that's fair well i think that certainly i think for both of us and again i'm like blowing like i'm building us up but i don't think it's you know being too unfair or whatever like there are cool things about us that are gonna suddenly limit the pool of like there's now only this like smaller group of guys that maybe would be secure or whatever and then like lots of them are in relationships or they have their own shit or whatever but like there are so many examples of like very funny women who have people so i don't buy it fine but that that does make me feel well let's see I think

you're too funny maybe a little too yeah maybe a little too dismissive too dismissive sometimes when you speak to people you're and it's not

a mean thing that you're doing okay it is almost as if you're like hey what you just said is not very interesting. I'll help you out. I'll say something better. Oh, my God.

I appreciate that honesty, but that's a horrible thing for me to do. Can you give me an example? Like, I totally believe you, but I'm – because I do think I – like, I don't have a great screensaver face of, like, when I'm – and I'm, like, I am very judgmental of other people and myself and I'm trying to work on it but it's not even in a terrible way and I can't give you an example because I can't think of one right now

but it's good to know like I want the outside feedback and maybe I'm an asshole it's not even a bad thing it's not you're not being an asshole it's a lot of people are very boring I do it too yeah and I do I think for people perhaps like us who maybe you know would get bored or like I do think um I'm gonna go on a long walk to make a point which is that we're in comedy and I think for a lot of guys, their social currency is being funny.

And because we basically like on a daily basis are exposed to the funniest people, are getting funnier, da-da-da-da. We are, you know, it's like, I mean, I know this sounds like so old fashioned, but like traditionally women's currency is their looks. But like traditionally women's currency is their looks. So if I started dating a male model, not even that I don't think the main thing I bring to the table is looks. But like because societally it's sort of like the lady is pretty and the man is the personality that can like put people in their head. And anyway, I think that we are going to have way less of a tolerance for someone who isn't that funny. And so I think a lot of guys are not even going to step up to the plate because they're like, the thing that I'm good at that has gotten me girls before, this person does professionally. But again, I feel like anyone who might listen would be like, you're blowing yourself up too much.

Or like there's lots of very funny women who have guys. There are very funny women who have guys. I interviewed a non-comedian who I met years and years and years ago. Went to his party, got very drunk, and peed on his floor. And I asked, why wouldn't you date me? And he was like, well, aside from you peeing on my floor, I felt like you were too much. You were too much of a personality. And I felt like I would have to be on all the time. Sure.

And I would have to step up to where you were. And I knew I couldn't do that. And then he was like, also, you peed on my floor. I was like, uh-huh. And I was like, had I come to your party party but a normal person, would you have dated me? He was like, absolutely. And I was like, okay. And I think there's one that's like, I mean, it's kind of cool that he could be like honest and mature.

And I think that there is truth to like, I don't know. And there is truth to like, I don't know. I think as we like grow and try to do better at this stuff, it's like you can't not, you can't deny who you are by your nature. And I do think like something I've experienced in dating is like I'll see a side of myself and I'll be dating a guy and I'll be like this side of myself isn't working. So I really got to like push it down. But then you get to the next guy and you're like, oh, they love this side of myself. And I don't have to do any pushing down. Right. But I think in general, it's like you need to be like, OK, I'm Nicole or I'm Allison. And here are things that are natural to me that are great. But here are things that are natural to me that maybe aren't the best. And how can I like work on those? Because you don't want to not be

who you are, but you don't want to be like fucking take it or leave it, suckers. You know? So, yeah. I do tend to find myself when I meet a guy trying to ground myself. Kind of like how they tell you in improv scenes. It's like if you start grounded, you can reach the crazy. So I feel like if I start grounded grounded I can like rev up to like this is how I am 90% of the time

I love to scream my version of that is I try to be like so chill and I think as my friend he would say that my nature is not chill no you are not a chill person and I'm like yeah yeah yeah cool cool cool whatever like you wanna like take 17 hours to text me back

I fucking love it I love it. I love waiting. And then I'm like, I'm going to really stick it to him. I'm going to wait 20 minutes to text back. That's what I do. I'll be like, I'm going to wait, too. I'm going to wait 37 minutes.

And it's so stupid. Life is stupid, Allison. Yeah. But this podcast is not. It's gold. And we've come full circle. Oh, is it done already? We're done.

I can talk 90 more hours. We are done. We are done. I'll have you back. Great. I'm still, I have my, my offer stands of being your band leader. I know there's no band here. Maybe I'll do an episode where you are my band leader.

Maybe I'll do an episode where I do it like a late night show and I have multiple guests. Anywho, Allison, would you like to plug anything? Watch the Goldbergs and if I'm ever dismissive of you world, call me

on it. I probably will be stung in the moment, but I need to know i desire to learn and i'm sorry and it comes from me hating myself not me hating you oh no it's just true allison please don't hate yourself i don't hate myself you got a rocking body and you're very funny allison heard me say that she had a rocking body with a mutual friend on a show that I was shooting. It was right in my day. I should masturbate to that. Mixing the audio sent that audio clip to Allison.

It was amazing. Which makes me feel like I cannot say anything anywhere. You can say nice things anywhere. I guess. Imagine if I was like, oh, I love Allison's body. I want to fuck her. That'd be crazy. I'd love it.

I would fuck you. What I think is funny, though, is the person you're talking to is a guy that we know, but I don't know him super well. And he, I feel like, could have either been like, she's trash, or he's married. So it just, he had many opportunities to be creepy or suck one way or another and he didn't he was just like yeah but also wasn't like i weren't a fucker no he's a genuinely good boy yeah and he's got a hot ass wife hot wife i met at a like barbecue and i just went up to her i was like you have great eyebrows i say it to her all the time i'm like your brows i love every time i see her it's a great big hug and i like look at them brows and I'm like, your brows. I love every time I see her.

It's a great big hug. And I like, oh, look at them brows. And I'm like, ooh-wee, ooh-wee. I'd like to think that there's like a small set of comedy women that immediately know now who we're talking about because of this comedian's wife's eyebrows. They're great. Okay. So you can watch Alison on the Goldbergs. And if you like this podcast, you can subscribe on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. And if you comment, if you like it and rate it and then comment.

And if you leave a comment, that's like a nasty little thing to me. I'll read it on the next recording of my podcast. So a prime example is I want to wife you up so I can fuck you all day, every day. Or I like you so much, I want to fuck your mouth. When you said nasty, I thought you meant like mean. And I was like, Nicole, why must you punish yourself? I mean like nasty little dirty things. Like I want to shit in your mouth.

That's bad. That's just not nice. But you know that they mean it as a compliment. Yes. Or like I want to fuck you so hard that I rip a hole in your uterus. Or cervix. Which comes first? It goes, okay, I learned this recently.

Did I tell you? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because I, yeah. Anyway, it goes like vagina is the canal. Then cervix is like a little bottleneck, then uterus is the big old situation where a baby grows.

You can write, I want to fuck you so hard that I pierce your cervix and swirl around in your uterus. You can write that, people. You thought you couldn't, but now you know that you can't. That's it for me! Bye! but now you know that you can't. That's it for me. Bye. Bye-bye.

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