Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - What a Time to be Alive (w/ Langan Kingsley)

Episode Date: March 16, 2018

Langan Kingsley (Corporate) joins Nicole to discuss masturbating in public, stalking exes on Instagram, and what Nicole really wants in a man. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! Hi, hi, hi! I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? It is a podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single even though I have no gag reflex and enjoy giving blowjobs.

My guest today is my dear friend. I love her so much. We used to perform together in New York. Now she's in LA and she writes for a show called Corporate. It's Lang and Kingsley. Wow, thank you. You're welcome. So I'm here in beautiful downtown Los Angeles. And what do we talk about today? we talk about i just said it why i'm still single why you're single even though i have no gag reflex and love giving blowjobs yeah

do you like giving blowjobs langan i feel like i'm not going to answer that question that's fair i love it it it's something you you you grow to you kind of grow into fair for some people but for me i love them and i feel like i'm in the minority as a person in general and in that respect well me yeah i mean there's a lot of complicated social factors that I think go into that, which is, you know, the prioritization of male pleasure over female pleasure and the subsequent submissive role that places on the female. And perhaps part of the, you know, negative history of oral sex and relating to men is sure some of those social factors beautiful downtown la thanks you for coming down yeah that's what you want right it is what i want yeah so have you ever i don't know this have you ever online dated i have yes you are an okay cupidCupid. And then like the early days of Tinder, but I wasn't on it for long.

Did you have any luck? No. But I think the secret to online dating, or it's not really a secret, I think it's just like everything else. You probably just have to keep doing it forever until you find someone. Like it's a numbers game, I think, and I just didn't have high enough numbers. What is it, like 10,000 hours before you're a master at something? Yeah, so 10,000 dates before you don't

masturbate. Oh! Because you'll have a sex partner. Yeah. I mean, even if I do have a sex partner, I still feel like I would masturbate. That's fair. Just because, I mean, there's gonna be times where he says no thank you and i have to go i respect that yeah i will do my own thing and you can just sleep wow that's very

woke i mean with all this sex crazy stuff going on you gotta wake up a little bit yeah you gotta um yeah i don't want you outed as a Hollywood predator. Well, I figure if 10 years from now, if someone writes a fucking like think piece about me, I'll be like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I wanted at the time.

Well, this makes it sound like I'm like raping around, but I'm not. Right. Sometimes, well, I just learned that after a weekend weekend i can't come to work and look at the crew and go how's everyone's weekend y'all fuck because that's not nice yeah marcy broke it down for me she was like nicole if your friend was like my boss gary in front of everybody looked at me in the face and said did you fuck this weekend she's like how would you feel i was like i'd be mad at gary he's not a he's not a nice guy right like that you're Gary you're bad and I was like oh yeah even though I

mean it in jest it's not good well it's probably not the best thing but also I will say I think not to say women can't be sexual predators or harassers but part of it is a little bit like, can white be, you know, can, well, I guess people of other races can be racist, but I think it's like a power dynamics issue too. So you're not in trouble now, but maybe stop. I have stopped. And if I do say something that I feel may have crossed the line, I will say it almost immediately. I'll be like, did that cross the line?

I am very sorry if it did, and you can tell me. Yeah. So I'm trying. It's all very interesting. Yeah. It's what a time to be alive. What a time to be alive. Drake and Future said it first.

What a time. What a time to be alive. So when you were on OKCupid. Yes. Did anything awful happen? Nothing. I mean, just the usual stuff of like men sending you very over sexual like messages and kind of with no like entree to it. But nothing really bad happened I would say the worst part

about being on it was um I don't know just everyone's the same like it everyone because now tinder you don't you don't have to explain as much about yourself which is kind of nice. And at OkCupid, you had to answer 1,000 questions. And so everyone, what I remember about New York, OkCupid, Brooklyn, everyone loved coffee and they loved bourbon, and there was no typical Friday night for them. Yeah, so it was pretty awful just seeing how boring most people are. I'll tell you something. It's much of the same out here.

People love coffee, they love movies, and they love their whiskey. That's true. Yeah, but they don't drink as much of it because they can't drive. Sure, because bars close early here. And, yeah, I don't know. It's tough. I did feel like dating in New York was way different and just easier than out here because I could go to a bar in New York and talk to anybody out here. It's like, I don't know. I don't really want to talk to these people. They seem awful. kind of awful.

New York has the awful, like, guys who are, think they're, like, trying to write a novel and love growing their beards. And I'm so far away from you right now.

Yes. It's very not intimate. Sorry. And then here, it's a bunch of guys who are, like, trying to get a skateboard company

off the ground or something. That's the first time I've ever heard that. And it was very fun. Oh, okay. Nice. Trying to get a skateboard company off the ground. Literally,

you know, Ollie's and whatever they do. Kickflips, Ollie's, uh, slam dunks. Yeah. So you have had a boyfriend for most of the time you've been out here in LA.

And then when you broke up with your boyfriend, when you were out here, is this too much information? No, it's fine. Can I ask, did you online date at all? I didn't because I was working on healing myself. And I think that it's interesting. I think I saw there's an Instagram cartoonist. I follow a lot of Instagram artists. And her name's Mari Andrew.

Do you know her, Marissa? Okay. Marissa is my producer, right? You're my producer? Nice. She's just this lady in the room who listens. But she had kind of like how women and men are dealt are taught to deal with breakups and for men it's like use women's bodies to get over it and for women it's like work on yourself and

look within yourself and uh do you think it we're told to look within ourselves because it's like you ultimately are the one that ruined this relationship so you need to fix something inside of you maybe partially but i think that it's another thing which I've been thinking about a lot lately with all these guys who just can't get enough of jerking off in front of women. Which it's like just my big thing is like just jerk off at home. That's where everyone's supposed to do it. It's fine there. Just close the door of your room. Although I would love to see a lady start jerking herself in front of people.

Don't say that. Why not? Don't say that. It's a very involved thing. That's not the take you want. And I think it'd be very funny to see a lady who's just like, I know you want it.

It's not. Because you can't just whip out your clit. It's a very involved thing. You got to get on your back a little bit. Oh, no. I mean... That's not the take. That's not very involved thing. You gotta like get on your back a little bit. Oh no. I mean. That's not the take. That's not the hot take I should take from that.

That's not the take. The take should be everyone goes home to masturbate. Everyone don't masturbate in front of other people unless there is a very clear, unless it's something that's been very agreed upon by both parties. But what if you're a greeter at walmart and your way of greeting people is to pull down your pants pull out your clit and start saying come on i would say especially but especially then all right fair you're right your uh counter example was the most inappropriate case of you don't think a greeter at Walmart should have said that? No, you should have said, like, what if you're a porn star?

And that would have been a way to make your point. Okay. But even in porn, I really think there's lines. I think there's a. There are. Well, that porn star, James Dean, right? Isn't that his name? Yes, James Dean.

He got in trouble for. He was choking ladies when they said no. Yeah. And it is an interesting. Consent is. Consent is crazy because I was talking to this dude well no like the consent itself is not crazy but like the way people think about consent is crazy yeah i was talking to this guy and he was like man you know like the definition of consent has like changed so much since i was in high school and i was like no right the definition

of consent has not changed the way, no, the definition of consent has not changed. The way you've approached the definition of consent has changed. The way that men are now being educated about consent has changed. But a woman saying no is the same in 95, 2000, 2005, the year 3016. It's like, wow, gay rights have really changed since I was in high school. And it's like, no no they're just getting the same things that everybody else has it's interesting because like consent seems to be like race where white men feel like uh white people are being replaced or whatever and it's like we're not

being replaced we're just getting to step up some stairs to get to where you are and it's like with consent it's like we're just getting up the stairs to get to where you are and it's like with consent it's like we're just getting up the stairs to understand what it actually means but like no means no in any context i could be naked in a bed with you and if the minute i say no is the minute it's done well and also to examine what what again going back to like power dynamics and it going back to power dynamics and going back to talking about how women are sort of taught to work on themselves and stuff, I think that's partially what's coming out about this. I just had read Rebecca Solnit's book, The Mother of All Questions, a little while before this happened. My therapist keeps telling me to read it. It's really good. And then I saw Jenny Slate posted on Instagram a quote from it that a lot of people were sharing, which when I read it also, which is.

But but in it, she talks about how patriarchy like racism and white supremacy affect everyone as they don't just affect the oppressed person it kind of like rots all of society and i think that's part of it is that men have not been taught uh or have been discouraged from exploring and cultivating the emotional side of themselves yes and so they don't know how to self-repair they don't know when things hurt them or they just don't know how to deal with it a guy cries he gets called a pussy or whatever as opposed to like oh this is a man who can deal with his emotions right and i think a lot of guys like they can't even sometimes even label their emotions because they don't they don't have the they haven't developed the capacity to do that and so that is what i kind of hope changes more is I remember when I was in

college, Betty Friedan came to speak. Who? Oh boy. She wrote The Feminine Mystique, which was like one of the. Never read it. You don't have to, but it was. But should I? I don't think so.

I think it's a lot of like. I still haven't read that book you sent me called How to Be a Woman. I forgot Lange said she was going to send it to me and I opened up this package and it was a book that said How to Be a Woman. And I didn't realize it was like a memoir. And I was like, someone's being really shady and they don't think I'm a woman and they're going to try to teach me. I feel like I can never send you a book again unless it's like... No, you can. You can send me a book.

I just honestly forgot about it. Well's yeah that's her wild um but anyway she she came to speak and she also was in the i i think she had dementia at the time which was very uncomfortable because whoever was handling her was still getting like speaking fees for her even though it was clear from what she was talking about. And then I went to Wellesley and a bunch of people from Smith like came out and Wellesley is pretty like liberal and Smith is like, oh, boy, they're radical there. And so it was like the LGBTQ, like the club being like, what about trans women? And I mean, fair point. But also this was like a woman in her 80s with like dementia, answering the same questions over and over again. I was like, I don't think any of us are going to get the answer we want. But one thing she did say in the midst of her haze, which she talks about, we don't

need to make, like part of the question is how do we make women, you know, women more successful in the workplace or lean in, you know, lean in kind of stuff. And she's like, that's not that's only part of the question. You also have to make the world more better for women. Basically, you have to make what you know, why is our corporate environment like maternity leave and all these things like that's not really the issue. The issue is that like jobs consume people and people are expected to give all their hours. She didn't say that. This is me. Oh, the dog. are expected to give all their hours that she she didn't say that this is me oh the dog just yeah if you heard that that is a dog barking

there's a dog named maya yeah maya she's really cute she's very cute she's black and white so she's solving racism yeah she is here's a question that has nothing to do with tinder or so why why do you think women are treated so poorly why do you think we're hated so much because uh we can be because people it's the same reason anyone discriminates against anyone it's because they're that's how society is organized is there has to be sort of a ruling there doesn't have to be but the way our world has been organized. Also, think about this. If you had someone who cooked and cleaned for you and raised all your kids, wouldn't you be reluctant to let go of that as well? Oh, yeah.

And was like a sexual receptacle you could just use whenever you wanted? I would love to have someone who, if I got married and knew that person was going to keep my house clean and keep things nice and organize my life. Raise my kids and I got to go drink at work. Are you kidding? I would love that. I guess I would truly, truly love that. And, you know, I think that's very, I mean, I would love that. So why give that up?

I guess that makes sense. Yeah. Langen, I want you to read my Tinder profile and tell me what you think is good and what you think is bad. Well, you already know what I think, but how's it going on Tinder? So far, it's not going well. So, okay. Also, if you want to see what Langen is seeing, you can go to my Facebook page. It's Nicole Byer Comedy on Facebook.com. And if you go to my photos, there is an album that just says Tinder.

And it'll be my Tinder and my Bumble pictures. So, Langen, it is a podcast. You got to describe what you're seeing. I'm seeing the first picture. I remember you've had this up on your online dating profile for a while because i remember this i think from okay cupid yeah and it's you wearing a shirt with a smiling face on it with a lot of teeth and you look very pretty but then you're holding an enormous fake penis yeah like way Like way too big. And I think this is a terrible

first picture to have. I think it immediately makes people feel like that's what you want and they're not going to measure up. I think you look very pretty in it. But here's the thing. It's like two feet tall. So how could you ever think

you could measure up? I don't know because you're not providing any context there you're not saying that and then your your description is i got a fat ass so if you're not into it bye bye bye and i think you talk about your positive i mean not that that's not i think my fat ass is very positive then talk about that in a positive way so don't say if you're not into it it's like immediately putting people off so be like i got a fat ass and i love it

like the way you're phrasing it makes it seem like it's a bad thing that turns people off okay and if you like it celebrate it well i think my whole thought process was because i've had men message me and be like, you are fat. And I'm like, you're not telling me anything I don't know. If you don't like it, then please don't. Just go away. You don't need to say anything. Yeah, I think you just need to.

Those people are not worth addressing. Okay. At all. Okay. You know, so just delete those messages. And like, why would they? That's like and also this those are the pathological people who are going to do that regardless sure you know

yes so that since i put that up i've gotten less people being like hey you're fat okay so then i put it lower okay i wouldn't maybe make that sure keep reading okay i like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh. I like that. It's so long. People say life is short. It's not. Even if you die at 50, that's 50 fucking years.

Yeah, that's a long time. It's too long. I'd say maybe I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh. What did I say? Cause. Oh. Just because that makes you you you're a smart person am i you are huh so and then dtf down to figure skate or fuck or farm or fly a kite

whichever is easiest well here's the thing most people on tinder are gonna find fucking easier so maybe i will say this even if you said dtf down to figure skate that's kind of funny and and they also get the point that you're dtf i i don't know because you like effing langan you can say fucking i I did already. Say it. Fucking. And then I like the pictures, but I think I wouldn't, I just think the dick pic is too much to lead with. You have to describe the rest of the pictures because it's a podcast. I know, but people, okay, so then the other picture is you in front of a Christmas tree and you're wearing a really pretty sparkly outfit. Can you tell that I'm pumping it?

No. And that's a good thing because I think it's just a nice picture. Okay. And then ones of you in a green room, but there's a bunch of like snacks in the background. Yeah, baby. You better keep me fed when i'm working but you look very pretty in it and where was that taken that was at the mtv movie awards two three years ago and then there's one of you in a spanish bodysuit can you tell that i'm humping

that bookcase it looks like you're climbing the bookcase i am just climbing it yeah okay good and then there's one of you making a snarly face in a heart can you tell that i'm humping the air i'm just kidding you're not and then there's a nice one of you with your dog can you tell that i'm humping my dog no because you're not um and then you list your i don't know but it's also hard because people you're you're like uh people recognize you some do some don't okay um that would be I if I were you I'd be very scared of all the people who want to do comedy uh-oh there she go agains. Okay, while that dog barks, we're going to take a commercial break. And we'll be back real quick to talk more with Langen.

And we're back. So you were saying that it might be hard for me to date people when they know who I am. might be hard for me to date people when they know who i am well i'm just saying like for me if i had a tv show and i and there are just so many fucking men who wanted who think they're good at comedy and want to do it you are correct that i would be like, that they're just, like, getting in touch with me because they know I'm a comedy person. Well, some people will just straight up say it. Some people will just be like, oh, I think you're very funny. This guy I've been talking to for a couple of days, he's not attractive to me, but he's fine i guess so his first message was oh i guess we've been talking for a while oh no oh so oh since the fifth so he said my friend greg g-r-a-i-g wanted me to

let you know he thinks you're hilarious so i said said, Greg, Greg, your friend has an insane name. And then we've continued talking. And it's mostly me just yelling at him. But he seems to like it. He has not asked me out because that's the MO of a lot of dudes on here. Well, this is what I mean. And I've said this to you for years. But this is what this is goes back to what we're talking about.

said this to you for years but this is what this is goes back to what we're talking about i think the reason is you put out that you want people to have sex with you sure i do want because you want that and you put out you put out like in a matter of speaking i think you don't realize that you're a very loving kind wonderful person and that you if you do want to be with someone who's nice to you and kind then you need to not be like i just want someone to fuck me or whatever well that's my nicole it was very good do it again i just want someone to fuck me raw i'm nicole i don't know that was the dirtiest thing i could think i use protection with strangers because strangers bring strange things that's true stranger things strangers bring stranger things to the bedroom i've met a couple guys who were nice at first from my Tinder profile as it is.

And then they ended up not being nice. And then I've met people who have misled me with the way they look. And I feel like I'm brutally honest on my profile. Like what you see is what you get. There's no hidden surprises. I'm not fatter than my picture. I'm not thinner. I look exactly

the way i look at my pictures in person and i don't know i feel like since i'm being so honest that other like men should be honest about it yeah i think and and i get what you're saying and i think there's an argument to be made there but also it's online dating everyone dating everyone has to finesse. You have to hide all the worst parts of yourself. I guess. I met a guy. You heard all about it. The guy that I met over the summer that I was like, I'm in love with him.

I'm going to marry him. And then he just like fell off the fucking face of the planet. But there were a lot of, I would say there were some like flags there. Oh, tons and tons and tons of flags so that's what i'm saying is you and i i don't blame you and he was nice to you but i think that's what i'm saying is someone who's nice is nice throughout i know and i don't know how to find that i don't know how to find a man who's like nice in and out or all around it's i don't know it's really hard and he also he like knew that i did comedy or whatever um but he like told me up front he's like i'm a

fan of comedy and i know who you are but it would be weird for me like not to say that and i was like i appreciate that and i've had dudes who will wait i had one guy wait two dates before he told me he knew exactly who I was and I thought that was like exactly yeah he loosely exactly knew who I was now streaming on Facebook um yeah it's I mean also the thing is like dating is just sucks it's horrible and it's bad and i don't think there's any when i i was single for a very long time and i hated when people were like oh the thing you have to do is this and you're not doing this and the reason is this and it's like oh i don't know who knows i'm looking for those things and nobody really has them for me no one's like i think it's here's the secret i think you just gotta like hope you you just gotta keep getting out there and then hope someone oh man just keep getting back on

that fucking horse yeah it's just annoying because i like i'll meet someone and i'll put all my eggs in that man basket and then he'll stomp all over them and then i'm like well now these eggs are broken on the floor and i can't even use them yeah Yeah. Well, it's also hard because you have a, and I think part of what I'm talking about is like part of your persona and a lot of your comedy is you're a very sexually open person, which is good and rare for women. And I think then men assume that that's all you are, all you want, you know? And. Well, I do have this like, it's not a hard a hard fast rule but if I've like made it to three dates with you I'll make you wait at least like a month before you can

come see me perform that's fair I just because I truly just want to like separate who I am as a person and like what I do on stage but But the hard part is there's Google. There is Google. People get lost. You can Google me. You can truly look at my Instagram and you'll see lots of things. I don't know. It's just, it's very hard to.

Well, what do you want? I want a man to love me. Yeah, but what kind of, like name five things you want. So this was another piece of advice I got when I was single is list five things you want in someone else and then try and become those things yourself. I have more than five. Okay, wow. Maybe that's part of the problem.

Okay, this is what I want in a man slash person because I don't rule out women because that seems stupid. Yeah. One, kind. Two, thoughtful. Loyal. A working professional in their field. An equal. To have their own money slash financially stable.

Someone who's proud of me, proud to be with me. In touch with their feelings slash can express emotion. From a nice family. Because I want a nice family who loves me. Someone I'm sexually attracted to and satisfied by. Someone who feels passionately about me. Someone I want to be around because I've fucked so many people that I don't like.

Doesn't want kids. I really don't want them. Someone who compliments me. Someone who's fun as fuck. Someone who's funny. Someone who finds me funny. Someone who's respectful. Someone who drinks, but not an alcoholic,

someone who has good friends slash likes my friends, and then someone who loves my body in any way that it is. That all seems reasonable. I will say certain things. What if he met someone who didn't drink but was, like, okay with? As long as he gets on a boat with me and I can have a glass of rosé. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's fine.

So maybe. I don't want to be with someone who's going to make me feel weird because I'm drinking. Exactly. Yeah. And I think that's fair. But I know because there are people who are with people who don't drink but aren't like it's not weird. Yeah.

I just need someone who's just like okay with it. And I just quit smoking and. Congrats. Thank you. It's been an uphill battle and I had a cigarette last night. I I just quit smoking. Congrats. Thank you. It's been an uphill battle. And I had a cigarette last night. I had two last night. But I haven't bought a pack of cigarettes in like three months.

That's good. I haven't bought a pack of cigarettes I think since September. What month are we in? November. Yeah. So that's a decent run. And I'm just now getting used to being around people who are smoking and not being like can I have one yeah although I did do that yesterday do you feel better yeah I my lungs feel better

that's good your athlete's cough has gone my athlete's cough has kind of gone away it hasn't completely gone away um Nicole has a cough which she calls an athlete's cough which is a smoker's cough but it feels better when I say athlete's cough, which is a smoker's cough. Uh-huh. But it feels better when I say athlete's cough. Athlete's cough, yeah. It makes it seem like I'm really working hard. Well, okay, so my question about your list is do you think you're all those things? Let me look at them.

I do think I'm kind and thoughtful and loyal. Yeah, I do work. I have money. I'm kind and thoughtful and loyal. Yeah, I do work. I have money. I'm pretty financially stable. I'm kind of in touch with my emotions and feelings. I do repress a lot, and then I do yell at people a lot. I love my sister, so I think I'm from my... No, I don't think I'm from a nice family.

You are from a nice family. Ish. It's complicated. But you have a different situation. My family situation's complicated. I got a sister, and I got one, two dead parents. Yeah. So if your parents were around, that would be a nice family.

They were nice people but now they're dead people yeah they made this like really bad mistake and they were like you know what we gotta check out yeah um i don't know i think i'm sexually attracted i think i can satisfy someone i think someone could feel passionate about me i think someone would want to be around me um do you want to be around yourself wow wow that's wild sometimes i do these are the questions men don't ask i that's a very interesting question i would say i want to be around myself 85 of the time and then 15 of the time i'm just like upset or whatever and like don't understand why i can't get things done and get frustrated also i think i have a little bit of depression but also i might not i might

just work a lot and when i have downtime i I'm tired. So it might not be depression. So who the fuck knows? Well, so maybe that's part of it. If you're working so much and doing so much that you are exhausting yourself, maybe that's an area in which you need to cut back on things. So sorry, can't do it. Can't do it. You have to be in downtown LA.

I have to be in downtown LA on a Sunday recording four hours of a podcast on the two days off that I have from work right now. I just, yes, I have to. I know. I wrap in a week and a half and I'm already getting anxiety about what's next. I don't like downtime. I like to always be working. anxiety about what's next I don't like downtime I like to always be working well that's I think you have to because I'm I'm kind of a similar person and that I don't I don't work as hard as I would say I don't think many people do but I'm not a sit still type person like I don't

like to just be sitting around which is a bit my boyfriend loves to just like sit there and be quiet. And what are we gonna do? And so but that's something you have to, I think that's hard that then you have to work on. It's like, why am I? I think I self-diagnosed myself as ADHD three weekends ago. And I would agree with you. You think I have ADHD? Yes. Okay. No one has confirmed my diagnosis. I don't think it's as bad as mine. Yes. But I've met your mom. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And she definitely has it. Yeah. And I think you I think it's pretty slight. Yeah. It's also another thing that gets misdiagnosed in women a lot as like depression or anxiety or, and it's, and because women think like, why can't, I'm a bad person.

Why am I not doing all these things? I would get to the point where like on weekends where I'd be like, okay, I have to write something or me and our friend, we wrote a pilot together, Phil, uh, where i like couldn't do the outline like i was having such trouble doing the outline but then like once me and phil did the outline i was like oh by now everything has happened and i get it and i like wrote it in a day and then when i take my medication i can function and i can do things and i'm a functioning person for a full 12 hours when i don't have a scheduled plan for the day. Like when I wasn't taking medication,

I could work. I could work a 16-hour day, know my lines, hit my mark, do it. But it's because that's all I had to do. So like on a weekend, on a Saturday, I'd wake up and I'd go, oh, I don't have to go to work. I don't really know how to focus enough

to get the things that i need to do i'll just sleep that's what i did yesterday i slept all day i took three naps yesterday because i was like i have well you have like six things that i need to get done yeah but you're working all that's like yes you're not sleeping during the week but i think i'm the type of person that's like i'll be in the middle of a task and then I'll start another task. Oh, yeah. This is fascinating for people to listen to. Well, maybe a lady will listen to this and go, this is what, this is me. Because that's what happened. That's how I thought to go see a psychiatrist or, like, bring it up to my therapist.

I was talking to another female friend who was like, yeah, I couldn't write jokes. I would zone out in front of TV and I would have little piles of shit around my house that I couldn't get to. And I like started crying because I was like, that's me. I opened my mail every six months. I like didn't pay bills because I like couldn't figure out because I was like, all right, once you open the mail, then you have to do something with the mail. Right. And I was just like, I can't. I think for me, what I found is I just need things to be like super structured and then I'll be OK.

is I just need things to be like super structured and then I'll be okay. But when the structure is not there, that's when it's unstructured that I'm kind of like a slippery slope. I'll give you my psychiatrist information, but just to warn you, her hours are wild. She's like, I'm not there on Mondays. Tuesday, I'm there for 35 minutes.

Wednesdays, you gotta find me. Thursdays, I'm there from 9 a.m. to 9.02. 9.02. her hours are crazy and she's so expensive yeah well you like pay for like 20 minutes to be like um it's working or like mom it's not working I feel like I'm gonna kill people I'm rich so it shouldn't be a problem oh baby you got that comedy central money my I have my job sending in a few weeks. Yeah, but you'll be fine. You're very funny. Here's a question.

I know that you are not into dating women and you currently have a boyfriend. But if you were into dating women and you didn't have a boyfriend, would you date me? Yeah. Would you? I think so. Really? After knowing me for all these years, would you date me yeah would you i think so i don't really after knowing me for all these years you would date me oh i mean it wouldn't go well you don't think so or maybe i'd keep you in like check maybe i'd be a good but i kind of have to be i think i'd have to be like a wife to you and i don't know know if I could do that. If I could put my own ambitions like on the back burner. Oh, do you think I often think I either need someone just as busy as me or like someone who's just like, yes, I'll follow you around the world.

I think that's why part of your thing of like that needs to be all this financial and like I think like so I'm reading this book right now. Sorry, is this too long are we right I'm reading this book right now um uh about by a woman who's trans because I don't know I was just like I need to read more about this because I am not educated enough and but she talks about relationships and she's like we think of things as like male female and in those terms but there are so many other ways of looking at relationships because that's a very like gender binary way of viewing it so it's like it could be butch femme it could be top bottom it could be top top it

could be bottom bottom it could be femme femme like so I think I think as women you think you need someone like equally strong as you but also also you're like, you're a very dominant, strong person. So maybe what you need is someone who's just like kind and makes you nice dinners. I think I would get mad at that person. Why? Because if they were just kind and made me nice dinners, I'd be like,

what do you want? My sister's a very kind, nice person. You shouldn't marry your sister. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. But like, we already know each other yeah i guess

that's a good point and like i know she comes from a good family like her parents are great but you need someone but if it's a kind nice person who can call you on your bullshit and you're like why aren't you working and they'll be like nicole i'm not working because i'm making you pasta right now you dumbass yeah but like i think i need someone i I don't know. I want someone who like has their own life. I don't want someone to become enraptured in me and have me be it. Well, I understand. I mean, it's probably they could do their own thing. You need a lover.

I think maybe maybe I don't want to be in a relationship. Maybe you should like a lover. Maybe you should have an affair with a married person. Honestly, there's one married man that I would love to have an affair with a married person honestly there's one married man that i would love to have an affair with oh don't do it i well i don't think i could because it's been years since i've seen him i've tried to write many parts on my show where i get to kiss him but he lives in new york i think i know who you're talking about of course you know i love him so much i won't say his name because it's not right good um but i do i think i also want like an older man like i don't want

i keep like swiping on these like 26 year old dudes where i'm like you don't fucking have your shit together yeah you need someone who we have a friend who her boyfriend has been divorced and she she's like it's great he is like been because he got divorced and then went to therapy and that's what i think a lot i think a lot of men need therapy. They do. They definitely do. All men need therapy. Here's the thing. Okay. So your boyfriend has had other girlfriends or whatever and dated other people. Have you ever looked at their, like, dating, like, not their dating profile.

Have you ever, like, looked at their Instagram? Have you ever stalked a girl that your boyfriend has dated? Okay. So I don't feel crazy. I think I figured out why I do it. But everyone does. I think, why crazy I think I figured out why I do it that's but everyone does that's I think why do you think you do it because um I think I like to torture myself I'm a masochist and um I also think it's just kind of you look and you're like what well what about this person

is like appealing you know that that know, that kind of thing. I didn't realize that that would be why I do it because I do it compulsively. Didn't I block this for you? Yes, but guess what? I have a second Instagram account. I need to use that. Honestly, the second Instagram account is just in case I accidentally like one of their photos. So they won't know it's me.

It'll be this woman named Taylor that they won't know it's me. It'll be this woman named Taylor that they don't know. You are crazy. Yes. But I know where it's coming from. But with that, you just have to be like, I'm spending hours of my life. An unhealthy amount of time stalking a woman that I don't know. But I think it's because I had a revelation. I think it's because they dated this guy that I couldn't please.

So I'm trying to figure out what they do to please people. But the thing is, it's not. But the thing then you have to realize is never about that. It's just about timing and when they met that person and what, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I guess. And you're better than anyone. That's when blind self-confidence has to come in and you have to be like, well, I'm also better than this person. Well, it's weird because I have a very blind self-confidence with comedy and work.

I don't know. I work and I'm like, I'm funny and I'm good and it's great and I love it. But then with men, I'm like i'm funny and i'm good and it's great and i love it but then with men i'm like i don't know um i often find myself being myself but being a lesser of myself so i don't upset them upset them scare them away or like have them be like like one guy i peed on his floor and this is uh dance party ej the jew that got away okay uh he did the podcast and he was like i don't think i could date you because i i would feel like i would have to match you and like always be on and like have to be funny and i don't want a guy to have to i don't want him to feel like that i don't yes he does need to be funny but like he doesn't have to

like always be like you know well and that's what i'm that's what i'm saying is maybe you're the dom like i think two of you would be too much but i also think what you find a person that is nice and you're comfortable with that's a good sign that and that person likes you for who you are and you don't feel like you have to be a certain way for them that's probably a good sign that that's a good person to be around langan why do you think i'm single um because men are bad i think dating i think dating's really hard i think it's so um i i think most people settle and you haven't

and that's why I think you're single ugh maybe I guess I shouldn't settle you've been busy you're busy with other things like you're not spending all your time trying to find a boyfriend or a girlfriend I'll have like a month

where I'm not so this November andcember are generally like pretty dead yeah but then don't you want to do like things you want to do well i'm trying to run an island right that's why you're single because you're spending your spare time on islands well i like to just like relax and be in an ocean and like not have a care in the world. That's nice. I think you're a woman who with a career and it's it's really difficult. I think that's why I think it's a very apparent answer to me. I don't think it has to do with you. I think it has to do with our society. Fair. So to answer that Liz Lemon question is that liz lemon women can't have it all or is

that just a general question i mean i think that's a general thing but i could see it i feel like it was a 30 rock storyline probably i don't know yeah good lord i guess it is hard because like my hours are crazy you know yeah writer's room's like pretty long hours I think it's like you can't have it all and you can't have it all at the same time you know and this is a time in your life where your focus is on like what you want to be doing and that's okay but like the weirdest thing is it is the time of my life where I'm focused on what I want. But there is never going to be a time in my life where I'm not focused on it. Because I realized I don't think I'm ever going to get to a point where I'm happy and I'm like, great, I'll chill out for a couple years. Because I'm like, no, I love working.

I love doing comedy. I love touring. And I just have to keep going. I think that's totally fine. I'll just be single for the rest of my life. But, I mean... I just don't want strange dicks anymore. I want one one that I know.

Is that true? Yes, I think I just want one... Yes, that is definitely true. I want one nice big dick that I know. Then I think you need to... Then I really... I honestly think you need to find someone who adores you and maybe is less ambitious, like, not that they aren't ambitious, but less of this sort of perfect image of a person you've put together. Like, I think most of the things on your list are good, but I think you need to, like, open yourself up to maybe it's not going to be exactly what you're picturing.

Okay. And I'm not saying, like, lower your standards. I'm just saying it could come in a different form. All right. What kind of form? Maybe a woman. Well, I'm very open to dating women. Yeah.

The only women I've interacted with on Tinder, though, are, like, thirsty bitches who are like, I don't know who you are. Yeah, well, Tinder's... And I want to come see a show, and I think I love you already. Yeah. I don't need that. Yeah, Timbers. And I want to come see a show and I think I love you already. Yeah. I don't need that.

They're all old. I want to see your show and eat your pussy. I broke out of the nursing home and I want to scoop your pussy. Yeah, but I think it'll be okay. Langen, thank you.

I love Langen very much. She's one of my dear friends. Um, we have a very unlikely friendship. I didn't think you liked me at first. I didn't, well, no one thinks you like them. No one thinks you like them. You like them. Me personally.

Well, yeah, you're intimidating. I'm intimidating. We're both intimidating women. We're both very intimidating, very tall women. Langen's like 6'4", I'm 6'1". We're hunk women. We're both very intimidating, very tall women. Leigh-Anne's like 6'4". I'm 6'1". We're hunkering down on people, slamming down our comedy. Oh, boy.

Jerking off in front of. Just jerking off in front of everybody. I'm pulling down my pants, pulling out my clit, saying, welcome to Walmart. Okay, so if you like this podcast please subscribe also rate it on itunes five stars or wherever you can get a podcast and if you comment in the comments if you hit on me i will read it during a recording so if you say something like oh i want you to sit on my face like a wiggle my nose i'll read it or if you say type of stuff you need to stop putting out there that's the type of stuff i need to stop soliciting to myself okay um if you write a comment like hey nicole you seem like a beautiful wise person

as a wonderful inside as you are outside and i'd love to cook you endless dinners what is with you cooking dinner i don't i just think this is the most wonderful thing i could imagine is someone coming home and being like i cooked dinner here's the thing i hate most people's cooking i specifically only like my mother's cooking and she's dead so i can't eat that that's true but but maybe this person the culinary skills of my mother i hope so okay so if you hit on me by saying i'll cook you dinner and then say langan is right i gotta cook you dinner i'll read it on the next podcast okay thank you so much for listening i hope you loved every fucking thing about it bye bye This has been a Team Coco production.