Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Winning a TV Dating Show (w/ Craig Conant)

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

Comedian Craig Conant joins Nicole to discuss how sleeping with a chucklefucker led to him to become a baby daddy, his experience winning MTV's hit dating show "Next", and having sex at the movies on a first date. Plus, his many tales of farting on authority.Check out Craig's tour dates here: www.craigconant.com/#tour

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why? Oh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single, even though you could put me in a pasture and milk me and say, you a nice cow. My guest today is a hilarious comedian, host of the podcast Community Service. He is the winner of MTV's Dating Show Next. And you can see him touring stand-up all over America. And I think he's so funny. Go to his Instagram because he posts a ton of jokes. And there's this really great joke.

Whatever. I'll get into it. It's Craig Conan! Hey, how are you? I'm fabulous. How are you? Okay? I'm fabulous. How are you? Okay. I'm good.

I love this joke that you have about getting raided, and then you knew one of the officers because you went to... That wasn't a joke. Yeah, I got raided. I know, I know. You tell it on stage, and it's funny, but it is a true story. Yeah, I got raided by the police on uh um there's so many layers of this story i don't know if you want it i i just had smoke speed for the first time that's important okay that'll make that'll make sense i bring it up for a reason i'm sober

now for a reason as well so i just do bad stuff on my lunch break at trader joe's my co-worker bust out a pipe right i pull out a weed pipe he goes you want to smoke and i'm like i i thought it was weed he pulled out a pookie but i was a bit of a you know didn't look at me anyways i hit it on my lunch break but the point of me bringing that up is now i'm getting raided like three days later and they're there for the front house which is king mike like a uh he had two strikes they're trying to send him away for life i don't know that they're there for him so i just think whoa i smoke speed one time they're quick like how do they know they're so good but i

had no idea they're there for the felon in the front house this is a separate home separate residence and then i go to it's a SWAT team and they have helicopters everything and shotguns they're there for the felon in the front house this is separate homes separate residents and then i go to it's a SWAT team and they have helicopters everything and shotguns just machine like guns guns and they're like open your door and i wore contacts and glass i got lasik money now i started making money baby i could see i could anyways i'm reaching for glasses and i just hear hands in the air, motherfucker. And then I just, I think it's my roommate. It's a true story.

It's all in my act. It feels weird telling it again. But then they go, open your door. And I open the door and there's a Culver City cop pointing a shotgun at my chest. And I know him, Chris. And we played Little League together. And we went. Oh, that's what it was.

Okay. I've known him since like 10, 11, 12. And we went down Oh, that's what it was. OK. I know him since like 10, 11, 12. And we went down different paths. And he's a cop. And I'm on the other end of the gun. And then, yeah, I just was like, help me. And then he handcuffed me. And he put him on loose, though. And then all I kept thinking, because I was just starting stand-up, and I was in UCB improv class.

And I was like, I can't get locked up again. I'm going to miss comedy school. And then I ended up farting on the police. I farted on the police. I know that sounds made up. I swear on my life. I farted on those cops when they were questioning me in the alley. King Mike got away with it.

He's good at his job of crime, because they didn't arrest anybody that day. I was on probation for a firework incident and I have fireworks. So I was real nervous and that, you know, and I had weed and mushy and, you know, switch blades and stuff. Just a fun assessment of things. That's so funny to smoke speed for the first time. And then three days later, it's like, oh, no. Yeah. I guess this is the drug that people don't like.

Yeah. This is the bad one. That's the bad one. It got me sober. Got me out of hell. Oh, that incident got you sober? Well, yeah, that was a lot of incidents. But yeah.

I accidentally snorted crystal meth once at a club. I was at a gay club. And this guy was like, do you do Tina? And I was like, I'll do Tina. I'll do Carolyn. I'll do Cynthia. Snorted it. And I was like, whoa, this coke is wild. You got bamboozled.

And then I gleaned my whole house top to bottom and stayed up for like two days. It was wild. And that's why you're single. And that's why. Me too. Me too. No, yeah And that's why you're single. And that's why. Me too. Me too. No, yeah, that was just a big dump of the story, but I had to get it all out there. That was a wild story.

It is a wild story. And what was another thing that made you get sober, if you don't mind me asking? Because you're pretty open about it, right? Yeah, I like to share it because it lets the knuckleheads know you could get out and better yourself because when you're down in the depths of hell you don't know you could get out of drugs and alcohol you know so i really enjoy being a complete open and honest book about my drug and opioid use anyways uh it was another arrest i threw firecrackers near police officers on horses in the 4th of July. And it made three local newspapers and my mom cry.

And they got me. They got me good. I didn't mean to. People think I intentionally did this. I was so hammered I didn't see them, you know. Oh, to me, I thought it was like, let's see those horses dance. I didn't even see them in PETA, which death upon me, the animal rights organization. They're sending me death threats.

And I got, yeah, I made three local newspapers and I was banned from the Pier and Plaza. It was wild. Oh, no. I missed work because I was in jail for that one. What do you tell your job when you've been in jail? Because I've only been in jail when I didn't have a job. I told them the truth. I was in jail.

I'm sorry. Let me keep my job. Did they let you keep your job? They did. They did. Two times. I went to two times. Sugar Joes, yeah.

I did no call, no shows. I was in jail and they let me keep my job. And then I was fired at a later date for my antics. I farted on my manager and filmed it and put it on Instagram. I got a lot of stories, girl. I got a lot of stories. It's really funny that they were like, all right, we can forgive jail. But farting on the manager and posting it to social media?

You're out of here. It went viral. That's why. Corporate. And to social media, you're out of here. It went viral. That's why. Corporate. They're like, get him out of here. This kid's getting views. But it launched me. Yeah.

This kid's getting views. Craig, I have a question. Are you single? Are you married? Do you not want to say? Because that's an option. I'm single. I mean, I thought I was with this girl, but she'd be playing with my heart.

I don't know what to do or doing. Oh, no. I'm a sucker for love. I fall hard and fast. I, too, am a hopeless romantic. And I'm always like, I think love is coming just around the river bend. I met this dude on a plane, and I was like, oh, my God, this is going to be it. And we talked for like four hours.

And then I invited him to an improv show because I was like, I can't invite him to dinner. That's too intimate. And then he was like, I'll come. Can I come backstage? And I was like, yes. And then I told him that my favorite movie was Houseguest. And he was like, I love Sinbad. And I was like, oh, my God, we're going to get married.

And then he didn't come to the show. And I haven heard from him since oh that's a bust man but i do love houseguests phil hartman sinbad come on now it's a perfect movie and they look like they're having so much fun yeah like the party scene looks like an actual party that they were just having a good time at oh um craig i have another question about one of your jokes. You took, I think it was a cousin. She was like giving birth and you took her to the hospital. It's such a funny joke. I don't want to like tell all your jokes, but like the doctor was like,

do you want to watch the baby being born? You're like, yes. And then it just took so long. And then you're like, I'm just staring at my cousin's pussy. I stared at my cousin's pussy for like two straight minutes and nothing happened. Nothing happened. Keep in mind, folks, I was supposed to watch a birth, the birth of my cousin. I ended up watching it.

It was me and my cousin watched my cousin sprout out a cousin. And we were like, it was crazy. I just watched my son being born on FaceTime on an iPhone on a plane. That's wild. Yeah. That's wild that they were like, yep, set up the phone, put it down there. What was it like? What did the people next to you say?

Were they like, huh? That's the whole joke. Oh, okay. I don't want you to say it. No, it's all right. It's true. The guy next to me was like, huh? That's the whole joke. I say the guy. Oh, okay. I don't want you to say it. No, it's all right. It's true. The guy next to me was like, what are you watching? I'm like, yeah, check this bloody pussy, dog.

That's the punchline. I was like, Wedding Crashers? I don't know. Oh, Wedding Crashers? The director's cut of Wedding Crashers? That's so funny. Wait, so you have a kid? Yeah.

How old? He's seven weeks now. Oh, my God. Marlo. Marlo, that's a cute name. Yeah. So what's it like being a dad? Is it like...

Oh, I love it. Do you feel like pressure to be like, oh, I got to be like a great dad? Yeah. But it's oddly, I was just talking about that with my baby mama. It was, it's like more chaos, but it's more manageable. Like, I don't have anxiety about it. Like, I'm more chill, even though more was added to my plate. That doesn't even make sense, you know?

Because before my my son like anything tour this that you're like oh my god now i'm like ah it's all right i think kids put things like i mean i don't personally want a kid but i do love a baby like my cousin's having a baby and i'm so fucking excited because she lives pretty close and i was like oh i'm just gonna like hang out on the weekends and play with your baby until it's too old and I don't like it anymore. But I feel like kids put shit in perspective where you're like, oh, this thing I was so worried about isn't actually important. It's like it's this human's important. They do. Yeah, it's that.

And I probably downloaded this off of TikTok, but I don't you don't teach them how to live. They teach you how to live. It like reorganizes your priorities and and your uh all of it you know it's just it's not about me anymore it isn't it's about this little person that you gotta you just gotta guide through the world um i don't love children because i think they haven't been around long enough to have an actual opinion, but they're full of opinions. But kids think I'm funny, and I like that because kids are honest. So whenever an adult's like,

I don't think you're funny, I'm like, talk to the legion of kids who do. Dude, kids in there, they just say the most funny shit, dude. They do. My niece said to my mom, my mom's a a larger mexican woman and my niece and my mom were driving and she saw a worker on the ladder and my niece said

grandma you can't climb that ladder you're too big and my mom just started laughing she's like well you're right but you don't need to tell me you know just just check by a four-year-old you know yeah she like that's so funny my friend's daughter pressed on my stomach and went nini you're like a bouncy ball and i was like okay cool and then her mother was like you don't need to say that she's like well did i tell a lie and i was like no you actually didn't tell a lie but like i already know i look like a bouncy ball and she went NeNe are you happy and I said yeah she's like then it doesn't matter if you're a bouncy ball and I was like you know this none none of this is a lie she actually is really

on to something the kid is dropping wisdom right there uh-huh and now she's 13 and a fucking idiot he's like are you happy with yourself? Then what's the problem? What's the problem? She did more work than the therapist. She really did. Honestly, she kind of did. I was like, oh yeah, what is if I'm happy?

Who fucking cares? Yeah. So Craig, tell me about the first relationship you remember. Do you consider yourself a late bloomer, an on-time bloomer, or an early bloomer? I was probably regular on time. Like I got the first girlfriend in middle school and we held hands and it didn't really go further. Not till later in high school, you know, the sex stuff. That sounds pretty on time.

Yeah. I was terrified and I didn't know what to do. And, yeah, I went through all of the, you know, no doubt, Tragic Kingdom was out, and we broke up. I was like, don't speak, and I'm crying, you know, in the hallways. Just that silly, you know what I mean? And we know we only held hands. If only I knew how hard it would get later, you know. With moving a girlfriend out an hour or something you're

just like we had books together we had shelves together we shared trinkets um i've never lived with anybody and i've never actually like thought about that aspect like yeah separating your lives is one thing but then like living with someone and moving that must be fucking sad oh it's so sad especially when it took like a month you know like a month or two two months to move shit out well we broke up and then it was just like the holidays we were still friends and we still are till this day and it was weird because we were like and then we broke up and then after that we got along we're like wait a minute why are we breaking up because of a year of this at each other's throats but then once that uh barrier was popped it was like we remembered all the good stuff and enjoyed each other and then it was like hard you know oh yeah because you're like we're not fighting maybe we can make this work that's

interesting when like a friendship works but then you like the romance part is all fucked up yeah because it like doesn't make sense it's like one plus one should equal two but one plus one here is equaling like 36 and And it's like, why? This fucking sucks. Somebody told me this and they said, you only have to get it right once. And that made me feel better because I've been getting it wrong. Oh, I've been getting it wrong. I've been getting it wrong, too.

I can't fucking figure it out. I'm trying to meet people in person and that's not working out so now and i was off the apps but now i'm back on the apps because i was like the the the whole meeting someone at a bar is not working i'm trying to like smile at people i try to meet someone on a plane it's tough it's so hard i don't know craig how are you meeting wait you tour do you chuckle fuckers yeah it's great. I don't. Ladies, I feel like, or female skewing people,

I feel like we don't have chuckle fuckers. And I'm like, this isn't fair. This is like another level of being a man that's easier. You just leave the state, get on a stage, get a couple of tee-hee-hees, and then some girl's like easier you just like leave the state get on a stage get a couple t-hees and then some girls like oh my god let me show you my cheese i was like i love chi-chis let me see chi-chis who me i love them i think i got my son. That's why this tour is called the Whoopsie Daisy tour.

Whoopsie Daisy. Oh, man. God, that's so fucking funny. Whoopsie Daisy. Whoopsie, papa's a rolling stone, son. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Rubbing chi-chis nationwide. Going state to state. Look at them chi-chis. Fuck yes. Look at all them chi-chis nationwide. Going state to state,

looking at them chi-chis. Fuck it, sucking on some chi-chis. Chi-chis are universal. Tell me about being on MTV's Next. You won it? Oh, yeah. That shit was funny. I was a promotional spokesman

for Wrigley's Watermelon Gum, and I had to wear a watermelon costume. And only my hands and face stuck out. But you got paid well. This is when I was like a little stoner, you know, 20-something. And they paid you like $30 an hour to wear that. You got a little overheated, though. Wait, $30 an hour even now is pretty good, I think.

This was like in 04. That's sick. That's sick. That's nice. But you had to wear an embarrassing watermelon costume. That shit was embarrassing. Only your hands and face stuck. You understand? Like I'm a watermelon.

Like those giant watermelon. Honestly, one of the funniest sentences I've heard in a very long time. Do you understand? I was a watermelon. I'm a watermelon. You understand? I had a watermelon. I'm a watermelon. Do you understand? I had seeds. I had seeds.

Anyways, I was handing out gum and then MTV was scouting. I was handing out a new item, Wrigley's watermelon gum at Long Beach College. I didn't go to college. I was just working. Then they were there recruiting for MTV's Next.

And they're like, look at this guy in the watermelon suit. Let's see if he wants to do it. I was like, hell yeah. And then they selected me and I had to audition. And I'll never forget, I saw like Cameron Diaz there. And that was before ever doing Hollywood, you know. So I was like, oh my God. Now you're like, who cares?

Who gives a shit? She's great. I just mean, like, you've been in the business. Yeah, you see people all the time and you're just like, ooh, moving on. Then they chose me and I went on the date. And then the director came up to me. This is in my act. All my acts, true stories.

The director said, you won. What would you like, the money or the girl? And I was like, I want the money. And and then he said but this date's going well it'd look better for tv if you choose a girl i was like yeah but i want the money and he's like i'll give you both bro and it was only like 62 or something but i was like a broke stoner kid and i was like i want the money we're not hitting it off honestly that's really funny that you're like money and they're like girl come on don't you don't you want to like don't you want to go out more with that girl money and you're like absolutely not i don't give a shit it's 62 dollars yeah and i love that they

were like we'll just give you fucking both yeah and i got both it would have been funny if you were like i don't want both i don't want i simply don't want that girl give me my 62 double the money give me 164 dollars wait no 124 dollars wait did i do that right yeah who knows 124 is right okay perfect i didn't go to college either so you know math be hard sometimes yeah and then i thought it was going to be another big huge date set up by mtv and this and that and then it wrapped and they said all right i was like well where's the date and then like go get her number i'm like that's it and i had to do it and pay for it and everything they didn't give you any money for the second date besides that so you had to use your 62 dollars on the second date hell no i bought an eighth of oj kush

see you later britney bye bitch you just match with the druggie i always wished like as an adult i could be a functional stoner. I can't. In high school, I was. But I don't know. Like, looking back, I was like, oh, maybe I wasn't actually functioning. Because I would go to school high all the time. But I didn't get anything done. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I would just be there. Yeah, I thought I was functioning. But I would drool, run into walls, and my grades went downhill. So, no, I wasn't functioning. I was high off my rock. I just didn't give a shit about anything. Yeah, and then one day I realized that some of the girls were drinking vodka with their orange juice,

and I was like, drunk at school? Oh, no. Don't mind if I do. And I only did that a couple times, but I was like, this is wild. This is nuts to just be, like, drunk at gym class. I think I did that a couple times, but I was like, this is wild. This is nuts to just be like drunk at gym class. I think I did that once. And I was like, this isn't the move. Weed at school goes hand in hand.

You may fail your classes. But drunk at school, you just have to pee a lot. And everyone can smell you. They know. Yeah, everyone can smell you. And then they're like, what are you saying? What are you trying to say? I'm like, I don't know.

I love Beowulf yeah here's a question uh what is one of the worst dates you've ever been on oh man i have a bunch i'm usually the worst day though it's me i took this girl to the lobster festival and I didn't have money. It was broke drug addict days. And I was like, let's hop this fence. And once we sneak in, we'll get free lobster. But then once we snuck in, you still had to buy like a plate. So I'm digging in the trash can for like a clean lobster plate with no butter stains.

And I got I got a couple and then i stole like i didn't yeah i stole lobster and i and then but she ate it and uh and we got and then one time a girl like was going through a breakup and asked me to leave my apartment so she could call her dude and i went in the other room and she was like crying and it was awful oh no that's that's up there that sucks the first story about the lobsters makes you seem like aladdin where you're like you know kind of poor but like crafty yeah you gotta still eat gotta eat to live tell you about when i got the time one jump ahead of the riffraff i love aladdin that's a good one it's a very good movie.

But yeah, I was, as you were saying it, I was like, oh, that's gross. But I was like, in my 20s, if someone had me jump a fence to go to a lobster festival and then was like, we're going to steal lobster. I would absolutely be like, yeah, let's fucking do it. Maybe now I'd be like, no, no, maybe. Now I'm like, no, are you out of your mind? Twenty three and high. Yeah. This is happening.

It's not even high at twenty three. I'd be like, this man is a full blown adventure and I can't wait. Yeah, I do love that. You're like, I was the problem. And then the second story, the girl is the problem. What's the best date you've been on first date in the movie theater and she had sex with me and she was like a wild girl and like wait you had sex in the movies yeah that's wild before a show like this girl hit me

up she was so hot i was like i don't drink and and I was like, we go to the movies or, you know, I don't want to drink. And then we went and we saw the movies. And then. Yes, she went from like not like kind of like reluctant to be there to grabbing me. And yeah. And then the guy was like watching us this the the movie guy you know he came up he stood over us and i'm just holding her like this and uh it was awesome it was probably the coolest day he just stared at us and i just held her and

i just stopped pumping real quick i just was like don't move And yeah, we had sex in the movies. And that was the first and last time that has ever happened. That's so wild. Did you go on a second date with her? No. That's it. She was far away and too crazy. The thing is, like, if I said, hey, remember that?

She'd be like, no. That was like a Tuesday for her. Like, she'd be like no that was like a tuesday for her like this girl was crazy that was nothing like my my coolest moment was like she's like who was that you know god that's so wild i wish i was wild like that but also i don't i'm getting older i'm glad that i'm not you know insane or whatever but like how badass to just be like oh yeah that's something i did tuesday and on wednesday i robbed a grocery store like that's fucking cool yeah it was it was it was exciting craig real quick we gotta take a break.

Okey dokey. Oh, Craig, we're back. Okay, are you on the apps? No, I re-download them after my ex moved out that gut-wrenching awfulness i just they still love her that's why it's awful anyways uh and then i was on there for like two weeks i met i matched when i i was like i'm done and i never met up with anybody i got like one number. I was like, this is a waste of life. That's what it feels like right now. Cause I, yeah, I said before they were gone. Now they're back. And I'm talking to this one guy and it's just like this long conversation we've been having. And I'm like, when are you

going to ask me out? Like, I'm not going to ask you out because apparently men don't like when women are forward or chase them So I'm like you gotta do it and then it's like if you're not doing it You don't want to do it. And then what am I doing? Just wasting my fucking time? Yeah, they need sucks. This shit sucks. I Try to just be honest and upfront and not care anymore. What do you say up front? Like if I love a girl tell her tell her like quick i'll be like yeah it's bad um but i mean it it's not contrived it's not to keep her anything like that it's like oh i usually say oh shit i got feelings you know like i'm not happy about it it just happens in your gut and your heart and

you're like god damn it i love you i feel like you are a rarity i feel like a lot of gentlemen don't say i love you well just like they don't say it till like it's too late or maybe it's like maybe people haven't been in love with me and maybe that's why i haven't heard it no most men hold that shit back if i'm being real honest or wait way too long and when it's past due i'm definitely quick well i say what i mean and i mean when i say and and it's just like life's short what am i gonna what if i don't tell her and you know like she runs off because she didn't think that or i get hit by a bus or this or that you know that's dark but it really though like like it's poof might as well uh if you mean it say it if you don't mean it then do not say it yeah don't say it don't ruin someone's whole life

yeah being like i love you actually i don't um i love that you said life is short because i think life is fucking long it feels so long but when it's over you'll be like that was it well i mean we're already at like this comes out in april but we're recording this in march i'm like i can't believe it's already fucking march this year's fucking flonging we're almost at the summer time is speeding up what is is happening? What happened? We're just getting older. I feel like my dad now. Back in my day, you know. Wow. Mer.

Back in my day, there wasn't as much pollution. I don't know. Back in my day, we dug in the dirt. Now you guys got Minecraft-y little pussies. You dig in the virtual dirt. We had our dick in the soil. mean you're not far off i put on one of those like vr headsets and i was with somebody and they were like do you want to share a coffee and i was like okay and then he put a coffee in my hand and i was like this is not sharing a coffee this is not real this is vr coffee yeah oh i don't like where the world's headed get your vr

coffee out of here i didn't like it it made me like it gave me motion sickness because you're moving in vr yeah but you're sitting in your house and i was like oh i can't this is not for me we simply cannot be doing this yeah my last flight home the guy was wearing vr and it just creeped me out on the flight he was in vr he was in uh he wore those goggles and he was doing stuff from sitting right next to him he kept going like this i'm just kidding he was honking on titties he was slurping he wasn't doing that, but it was weird. It still was weird. Still was weird.

It is fucked up because the plane isn't real life. We're flying through the sky. That's already a break from reality. Sir, will you fall asleep with your mouth open like me and catch flies like the rest of us? Oh, I hate that. Yeah, fucking be normal. Be normal, dog. That's weird. How weird how fucking weird yeah i don't like it this ai stuff go away go away i don't i don't like ai because i keep getting tricked on like

instagram because i like uh i follow a bunch of like interior decorators and people who do interiors and i'll be like oh i like that how can I find this lamp? And they're like, made on AI. I'm like, why would you do that to me? I love lamps. I want to buy a lamp. Let me have the lamp. When is something going to happen? And I've talked to so many like palm readers and tarot card readers, and they all keep being like, it's around the corner. Can't tell you where or when or who, but it's a coming. I'm like, I'm paying you to tell me exactly when and where and I want it tomorrow. I'll tell you this, though. It's a reoccurring pattern in my life, whether it be dating or a career or anything the moment you stop looking is when you find it ain't that something

yeah it's always that it's always that isn't it nuts stop looking it is nuts you're like but i'm lonely i want it now i don't want someone to dick me down i'm so fucking horny I don't want to wait. I want someone to dick me down. I'm so fucking horny. I don't want to wait. That's easy. I don't want to wait. Just have a bottle of baby oil. I'll hold you up. Girl, what's happening?

How you doing? A bottle of baby oil? All right. What are you looking for in a partner? What do you want? Just trust. Just not having to worry. Just help me go up.

Let's build an empire. I find myself in relationships, and they're not necessarily going up. As simple as that sounds, I don't care what it is just whether in real estate or teacher or comedy just are we going up are we bettering ourselves are we trying are we doing some work are we bickering and tearing each other down and hurting each other and uh you know i guess that more so than um looks aren't the number one thing i'm into just uh laughter just fun chill just chill like who's chill y'all women can be a little high maintenance i don't know if you've noticed i'm not chill i wish i was i wish i was like a lackadaisical person who's like yeah whatever uh who cares but i'm not i'm not chill

you eat mushrooms i do eat mushrooms and i love a mushroom yeah they'll make you chill just eat some mushrooms they do make me chill they do make me very giggly although the last girls weekend i went on we took them and we were all laughing ha ha ha having a great time and i was like hey what's everyone's deepest darkest secret and they're all like what hey you're like no no nicole you're ruining the fucking vibes just chill out and i was like i can't do it let's make it spicy yeah i want to know i want to know um but i do love mushrooms uh i took them at like a friend's memorial and it was still sad but like it did chill me out a little bit because i was feeling like uh extra anxious about it i'm not sure why but yeah i love mushrooms i think they're great dude they're great they're amazing they just pull you out

of depressions make you love nature your mother and whatever and you're just good vibes sure like why aren't they legal like why i don't get why we're not just like regulating them and like they finally are. Because they are in for depression. Oh, are they? And you know how weed used to be and they decriminalized it and started studying it? That's where mushrooms are at. Oh, okay.

I don't know exactly where, but probably Colorado and California and Oregon. They're doing studies and they're helping a lot of people with ptsd iraq war veterans or any war veteran for that matter just like it really gets risked up i cannot preach it sounds so backwards but they help me with my addiction as i'm chewing on a mushroom but it helps me not do narcotics and alcohol which are the devil in my opinion and it just takes the edge off and teeters me to positivity that's why i'm always preaching because everyone's out there struggling with their mental i'm like just eat this little mushroom just a micro you don't even have to do a lot yeah you don't have to trip uh truly just like uh i get

them in little capsules i'll take like one or two and then if i'm like going out and i don't feel like small talking or like i'm in a funk i'll just be like boy oh boy i can't wait to hear about someone's afternoon yeah or like i tell me something boring and i'm happy to hear it and i feel good and when you microdose the next day it's not like a serotonin drop it's just kind of like you're even and it's you feel fine yeah i like them it doesn't deplete you of your resources. And it makes, let's say you're going to that thing you're not going to enjoy. You eat a couple gummies, you're going to enjoy it.

Mm-hmm. I actually got sponsored, I don't know if it's supposed to cross promote, but I mean this with all my heart. Because, you know, when you look like a druggie, the whole world gives you these things for free. So I've tried 14 different companies and I found this one called Colors, and they're fantastic because it's a gummy, and it's 0.2. It's nothing. Oh, okay. You got to eat like eight to ten of them to go there,

but they're not really for that. They're just smooth, smooth operating. Smooth and even you out and make you have a little tee-hee. Yeah, a little tee-hee. Yeah, I did mushrooms with a bunch of people once and my friend has like a drum kit and like guitar and we like sang karaoke and then one friend was like playing the drums and i was like wow i've never i've never been happier yeah like we're like in a live-ish band nobody's actually playing on beat or on key but i was like this is fun

i was just about to say if you were sober you'd be like what the hell is this what is this garbage i think it like it helps you bring back like childlike shit like i feel like we all take shit so seriously because like life is hard but but kind of just like settles you into like hmm not that bad yeah it does it does that's what i preach because all my buddies are on those damn pills and i'm like we know how the side effects out the ass i'm sure they save a lot of people but i know that they've hurt a lot of people too so that's why i don't want to get too you know do what you gotta do but mushrooms guys organic grows naturally it grows from the dirt it's from the earth it's from mama earth bro how did you get into narcotics if i can ask oh boy i mean i was my family's a little wild i'm half mexican and we had like gangsters and stuff

and uh like stuff was always around like some of my family was in the hood and then honestly though school like pills when i went to school it was like candy people were handing them out like skittles um you could go to the doctor for your teeth and get a bottle. And then just like in the movies, it started off innocent. We'd take Vicodin and Norcos and Percocets. And then six months to a year later, we're hooked. And I would say this, like in the beginning, we would share, here, you have one. And then later, like you drop one, you're like, nobody move.

That's my, you know, Like, oh, my God. It was crazy. And then some people graduated and went on to, you know, smoking and injecting. I got out, luckily. I definitely, I said this already, but I dove in, but I held on to the rope. Held on to the edge, yeah. I was like, I always kept saying, get out, get out, get out. And then I finally did.

And some people didn't. It's sad. And that's why I preach that a lot. Like, get out get out get out and then i finally did and some people didn't it's sad and that's why i preach that a lot like get out kids and i preach natural stuff i like it yeah i like that preaching natural stuff and also not shying away from like what you went through and shit um wait you worked at trader joe's for 11 years yeah and they fired you for farting which is truly wild i also love this you sold pieces of your trader joe's uniform to make money after getting fired yeah yeah i sold all my old uniforms because i was going live as i was getting fired i put i put everything on the internet and it kept going i'll never forget i was I was like Tia and Tamara were sharing my stories because it was so crazy. And anyways, yeah, I got fired.

And then I had 11 years worth of T-shirts and hoodies. And I sold them in like a half hour for like two Gs. Damn. Then I needed that money because I wasn't making money at stand-up yet. And I was denied unemployment. Why? They're not allowed to fart on people and film it or whatever. I don't know the technicalities, but they wouldn't give it to me.

I would love for the unemployment agency to actually be like, well, you violated section C of farting on your manager and putting it on the internet. Yeah. My buddy who's a comic and a lawyer, this is how bad people want to make it in comedy. He's like, I'll represent you to get your unemployment. Just have me on your podcast. And then I had him on my podcast.

That's fucking funny. He won. He got me my money. Oh, he did? Yeah. He made good on his promise? That's nice. God, I love money. Oh, he did? Yeah. He made good on his promise? That's nice. God, I love that.

Isn't that crazy? Real quick, we have to take another break. Craig, what advice do you have for single people out there? Oh, my goodness. Good luck. Hang on. Let me pull something insightful. I mean, there's a lot of liars and wolves and all that stuff,

but I'm all for just being an open book and honest and laying your cards on the table. I mean, maybe not too soon. Don't be laying them on the first date. But because just back to that life is short. If you care about a dude or a chick, you know, just say like, yo, I'm in it. You know, I don't know if you are, but I am. And I can't if it's casual, you know, protect yourself. I can't keep doing this casual stuff.

I care about you. What's up? I'm all for it i respect anyone who's ever done it to me and i've done it a bunch too and sometimes it breaks your heart or completes your heart but it's better than two years later and it didn't work yeah you know what do you think is too early to say like what you feel you at least need a month and you better be hanging out like a lot that month i'm quick but like i like one to three months but like if it's happening in a month we literally went home the first night and she never left you know

what i mean i'm crazy i do stuff like that and they just move in move in after one booty rubbing i said move in after one no i mean not move in but like sleep over every single sleep over five nights a week so yeah like i'd say like you know two to three months i'm okay with that all right that sounds good i've never hooked up with somebody and never left. I don't even know what that's like. That sounds wild. This is so exciting. It does sound exciting.

It sounds like romantic and like a movie. It's like I met him and I just like haven't left his side and we love each other. Ugh, Craig, I want it. It usually never works out if I'm being real honest okay that sounded sad oh for four on the last four girlfriends well maybe lucky number five and like you said you only got to get it right once which is a nice comforting thing to hear yeah it's true but then i wonder i'm like am i gonna get it right when i'm like 70 fucking years old and

then live for like 10 more years and then die but then i guess that's like a nice 10 years yeah it doesn't matter when yeah to love once is better than than none yeah is that shakespeare better to have loved than never loved at all oh i didn I didn't read Shakespeare, but yeah, I agree with that sentence. I think it's one of those things that's like in the ether. It's like, oh, you just like fucking hear it all the time. Yeah.

So, Craig, we have come to the end. I find you to be delightful. I think you're so funny. And your tour, I was just looking, you're visiting a lot of places. When does it start?

Are you in the midst of it or is it starting? I've been touring for four years. Papa's got bills. No, I tour. I do about 50, 60 cities a year. And this is my fourth year headlining. I love it. My next cities when this comes out will be Hartford, Albany, Syracuse, Burbank, Tempe, Improv, San Jose Improv, CraigConant.com.

I'm always slinging these fart jokes. I tell true stories. You heard some of them. There's so many more. I preach sobriety, but I tell you all about the drugs. And I love it. I love it, but I'm tired. I ain't gonna lie. I preach sobriety, but I tell you all about the drugs. And I love it. I love it, but I'm tired. I ain't gonna lie.

I'm so tired. No, I get it. Touring is fucking rough. It's so hard. If I could snap my finger, I've said this before on the podcast, but if I could snap my fingers and be there right before the show, I would tour for the rest of my life. But I got to take breaks now because I'm like, it's just fucking exhausting to like land in a city, take a nap, get ready for the show, do the show, maybe try to go out or just go to sleep because I got to leave the next day or whatever. It's a lot.

It's a lot. I didn't realize how much energy is exchanged and I'm doing better at not complaining. But holy hell, it's it's so much so many different moving parts and variables and flights flying east coast gigs having to leave wake up at 2 30 to make the gig on time going straight to the airport onto the stage and you're just like and you're like ah man i feel nuts. And then you have to do an hour. Yeah, doing an hour. And then it is you're giving a lot of energy when you're performing.

Do you do meet and greets? Absolutely. I'm so grateful for my fans. And I shake hands, hugs, and sell hoodies and grab chi-chis, you know. Oh, that's nice. No, that was a callback for the chi-chi. No, I get it. I love them chi-chis.

I stopped doing meet and greets because I was like, I get, I'm so, I'm too tired. It's too much. It's becoming too, it's finally became a point where it's too much and I need to figure it out because I am exhausted. I'm there for them. I wouldn't be there if they weren't there. So I do everybody. I don't care. I wait.

Same. I would do everybody, talk to everybody, make sure that I had a conversation, like a three-beat conversation with somebody so they felt special. And I was like, this is actually crushing me. And it wasn't like, I don't mind talking to people. It was just like the volume of people. It was like an hour of comedy and then like an hour and a half of meeting people. A hundred a row yeah a hundred hugs and i mean them and you mean them and i'm like thank you i love you yeah thank you and i was like i am grateful so i just try to say up top that i'm grateful because i don't do the meet and greets but then i feel like i'm like i hope you believe

me but like it's like i wouldn't get to perform unless you came and that's a fucking special thing and then also i used to like get mad at heckling or whatever and like kick people out but now i'm like if this is the show y'all want you can stay we'll have fun we'll figure it out all together and then that takes a little bit more energy to like interact and like make it a part of the show so i feel like that's that makes up for the meat and greek because i'm like this is your show that we're curating together yeah i'm looking into a solution just to lessen it because the volume is getting out of control i call them good good problems i used to have bad problems i got good problem uh-huh it's like do vip but i hate even charging vip but give them like a merch item so okay, okay, oh, you pay for VIP, you get a shirt.

You get a shirt and a hug and that'll make it go from 200 people to 40 people. And then they get something for it. You know, I'm looking into that because this, I started selling out as my son was born. Isn't that crazy? That is honestly so fucking beautiful because it's like shit's happening exactly when you need it. You know, all right. I need a little bit more money. OK, you're selling out now.

You're like getting to the next level. Like, that's just I don't know. It's really poetic. Yeah, it really is. And it's perfect timing. So I was like, oh, boy, these kids are expensive. I got a whole other version. Fucking pampers and shit.

Yeah, that's that's it. I just keep it. Just keep these fucking Pampers and shit. Yeah, that's it. Just keep it. I'm just grateful, man. I'm so happy from where I came from to where I am now. And I love it. And when I think about that is when I'm most happy. Oh, I love that. Just talking about stand-up right now, I was like, oh, yeah, I fucking love stand-up.

It's just the travel and the that's it. Just the about stand-up right now, I was like, oh yeah, I fucking love stand-up. It's the best. It's just the travel and the, that's it. Just the being tired and the travel. Like I love being up there for like an hour. And then whenever I listen to old sets before I do a new set, I'm like, oh yeah, that funny dumb thing I added. Yeah, you're like, oh yeah,

let's try to remember to do that. Yeah. Oh, that didn't work that night, but maybe it'll work tonight. I don't know maybe you'll lose it at the second show yeah it's so it's a puzzle of uh fun it's a funny puzzle i love the fine tuning of it and working on it and like literally people don't understand just switching a a name from hank to charlie makes it hit harder you're like what you know like uh-huh

From Hank to Charlie makes it hit harder. You're like, what? You know, like Frank's a good comedy name. Let me say Frank. We think about that for hours. Uh-huh. And it works. I can't even remember what the line was, but I just switched two words in it,

and it got a huge laugh, and I was like, fuck, man. I spent two months trying to crack why this line wasn't working out, and I just flipped it and it like fucking killed and i was like ah yeah and then before every show i have to like remind myself this is how you say it this is how you say it because it's just not natural to the way that i talk or tell a story because i tell a lot of stories too um but yeah i love it i love it i love you thank you i love you thank you so much for fucking doing this. Like, I find you to be so delightful and a goddamn ray of sunshine. And I do love that you talk about dark things with a smile.

Specifically because it's like shit might be dark, but you're okay now. And it's okay to look back and be like, isn't that dumb what I fucking did? But like, look at me now i'm doing okay so i i like it and i appreciate you and i think you're so fucking funny it's not my fault my dad beat me i'm just kidding i love saying shit like that just laughing same i i say the the saddest shit about my dead parents and i sometimes will say it in like mixed company and they're like you can't just say that to me and i'm like why not why not it's funny it's my trauma i'm having a good time yeah can you dead mama dead okay craig thank you

so much for being here um if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe and give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com, I will read it. This lovely person said, Hey, Nicole, if I could take you on a date, I would take you to the Sonic Symphony. You would wear a full length gown. And once the show began, I would crawl underneath the skirt of your gown and start sucking on your clit. I would match the timing of eating you out to the timing of the beautiful music of Sonic. You'll be twitching and squirming in your seat, moaning softly until the crescendo of the symphony and you will finally have a loud

and full body orgasm like the lady at the Philharmonic. After that, I will crawl out from under your skirt, wipe your juices off my chin and smile satisfied knowing that Sonic and I brought you pleasure. I have said this once. I have said this twice. I have said this a hundred times. Sonic is a child. So I'm not fucking anybody to Sonic. He's a teen. I love Sonic, but not that way. But I will say, thank you for writing that. That was nice that you took the time. Okay, bye-bye. That was a wild message. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer

is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. With talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode.

Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.