Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Would You Date a Chucklefucker? (w/ George Kareman)

Episode Date: January 12, 2018

George Kareman (UCB Comedy, Long Haired Businessmen) is on the show to teach Nicole how to use Hinge, and if they would ever date a chucklefucker. Nicole reveals her whole sneaky plan to make out with George.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at:https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyAnd finally, check out Loosely Exactly Nicole on Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/looselyexactlynicole/

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Please tell me why. Oh boy, I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? You guys, it is a podcast about why I'm not dating people and why I'm single. And today I have a very fun, wonderful guest who I know from New York. His name is George Kerman! Dum-bum-bum-bum! Woo, George! Hello, hello, hello.

I'm just going to let you keep going. That was great. Hello. Thank you for having me, Nicole. Thank you for being here. Yeah, I've known you for a long time. Dude, we used to fucking rap super hard at the front desk of the old training center at UCB. Do you remember that?

What a dream. Hell yeah. I remember I bought you, I would buy you raspberry flavored Schweppes from the deli and bring them back to you.

Yeah, hell yeah. That was so nice. Yeah, that was your jam. That honestly was maybe my favorite job because it was just hanging out in a building

with the funniest people in New York all day. It was great. I fucking loved it. Yeah, I know. That seemed like super cool. So, you do comedy and you're very funny. Oh, thank you. What's that dating life like? I mean,

you know, it's not fantastic. It's not great. I don't know. But it seems like it's not great for like any like i'll get your opinion on this because i feel like the people i know and a lot of our mutual friends are either like wifey or hubbied up yes or they're like super single or they're fucking sociopaths yeah yeah yeah yeah that makes sense yes i've encountered a lot of crazies but see i wonder like sometimes i'm like well maybe just like humans are crazy, which

they obviously are. But I'm also like, is it in our world? Like, are the people that I'm interacting with and dating, are they particularly more crazy? Like if we lived in some other part of the country, would it feel less insane? Yes. Okay, cool. Yes.

If you were in Idaho, you would be like, everyone here is so fucking boring. Yeah. Like you wouldn't have these crazy people because like actors and comedians also have a level of being so narcissistic oh absolutely that that that's like a that's like a base level crazy thing like people in idaho aren't like my life is so interesting that i'm gonna write a 30 page fucking pilot about it or i'm gonna turn my life into a movie what's your script about it's about me it's I'm going to turn my life into a movie because everyone it's about me it's about my life my experiences

that are so different than everybody else's and I'm a straight white man so it's very cool yeah it's just yeah I think it's like a baseline of crazy in what we do yeah and just like in LA in general because I feel like almost everybody in LA

is in the industry. Yeah. Do you think it's more cray cray out here than NYC? Oh, abso-fucking-lutely. Okay. Because you go to a bar out here, everyone's the prettiest person from their shitty little town. Nobody wants to fucking talk to you. You go to New York and you got like a garbage man, a cop, a fireman, a homeless lady.

And you're like, we're all friends, right? And then you're like at an after party drinking with these fucking people. Yeah, that's true. You can meet different kinds of people kind of more randomly in New York. I feel like the non-actor comedian people exist out here. It's just harder to meet them. Do you know what I'm saying?

You just won't interact with them. I don't know where they are. Yeah, exactly. I know they exist. There's like, what, 3 million people here? They have to be the majority even. I don't think so. I feel like, what, three million people here? Like, they have to be the majority even. But like... I don't think so.

Yeah. I feel like the majority are like grips and cameramen who are all fucking married. Yeah, word. And then actors who are just like, I'm so sorry. I can't date you. You don't look like a fucking Kendall or a Barbie or whatever. Plus, they're like mad flaky out here. Everyone is so flaky.

Yeah, it's tough. Since being out here, I've become like a little flaky where I'm just like...aky yeah it's tough it's since being out here i've become like a little flaky where i'm just like i feel you i'll be there sorry i'm not coming i feel you yeah i am a little bit more like that i think i'm just i'm more chill in general out here which like some of that is good i think because i had a little i mean i grew up in manhattan as you know so i had a little ptsd from that which like i think so i think part of it was like good for my overall personality, but the flakiness, man, I can't, it's just,

I like LA. I like living here, but like I can't get, I can't get used to that. It's annoying. It's very bad. When people flake on you and you're like,

are you fucking kidding me? Also like, I don't know, if I meet someone randomly, right? And let's say I get her number or something and you know,

maybe we have a little flirty flirt over the texty text. If we don't hang out within three to five days, we're never going to hang out. Never. Ever. And so if you flake on that first, like, hey, let's get coffee, cool,

and then you flake, it's over. It's done. There's no point in texting again. Of course. I think people text and think that that's intimacy or that's a relationship. Because I've texted people and had good conversations's intimacy or like right that's a relationship right because i've texted people and had like good conversations over text or like over tinder and then met them been like how right how are you so good at texting but like you can't fucking talk in person see i think that

those apps really benefit people who suck in person and are and and can be decent like online yeah you know what i mean and i think i'm the opposite like i don't think i'm that great digitally but i think like in person i think i can make a good impression but it's hard it's hard to like get that to come across especially when like okay let's say you and i met like in a supermarket right hey what's up blah blah blah five second interaction that at least is like we have met. We have, there is some basis for an inside joke. There is something that to go off of.

When it's like Tinder or some shit, like you literally have nothing. There's nothing. And like you can use the fucking profile, but like I don't think that provides any, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like profiles, I'll let you read mine.

Profiles in general, they just, they don't like my profile doesn't say anything of value. It's not like who I am and what I love and what I aspire to be. It's just like dumb pictures and dumb little caption. Let me see. And. That's a good picture. Thank you. Some people don't like that picture because I'm holding a big old dick in it.

But then- That's funny, though. Mostly everybody has been like, it's pretty funny and it's like you. Right. Because I do love dicks. I have a dick earring in my ear. Down to figure skate. I like that.

Oh, yeah. You have to say it out loud. It's a podcast. Do you want me to read the whole thing? Yeah, you can do it. All right. I got a fat ass, so if you're not into it, clap, clap, see you later. I like people with a sense of humor because life is too fucking long not to laugh.

New paragraph, all caps, DTF, down to figure skate or fuck or farm or fly a kite, whichever is easier. I like that. It's funny. Thank you. And it's short. You know what's good about this one, too? It's not too much. It's not a lot of text.

You say what you're looking for. You're funny. You're not taking yourself too seriously. I like it. I'll tell you something. A lot of guys will see the profile and then you got to show them the fat ass. You got a lot of guys will see the profile. They'll see that I'm holding a dick and then they'll see the down to fuck and then be like,

Oh, this is all she wants to talk about. And I think the reason why I keep that shit up is like, if you can, if you could pull anything else from it, then you're interesting. I feel you. It weeds out a lot of uninteresting people.

So if a guy opens with dick stuff, you're like, nah. I'm like, I mean, I don't know. The older I get, the less I want to fuck a stranger. No, I'm the same. It's not appealing anymore. I'm like, I don't know this dirty dick. I don't know where it's been. I don't know if you dipped it in some Clorox. I don't know. The older I get, the less I want to fuck a stranger. No, I'm the same. It's not appealing anymore. I'm like, I don't know this dirty dick. I don't know where it's been. I don't know if you dipped it in some Clorox.

I don't want this. No, totally. So I feel like, because the guys I've gone out with on this haven't mentioned the dildo and they haven't mentioned the down to fuck. No, they'll just start a conversation and be like, oh, your profile is funny. Or like, oh, how was your day? Which is the thing I hate the most. No, no, your profile's funny. Or like, oh, how was your day? Which is like the thing I hate the most. No, no, it's really bad.

Are you on Tinder? No, I'm on Hinge. I just joined Hinge. Yeah. Hinge is based off of your Facebook friends or whatever? Yeah, it's like, I don't think you have like mutual friends or mutual friends of mutual friends. It's like very, very loose Facebook connections,

which really it's the same shit. It doesn't fucking matter. That's what I feel like. It's like they're not sourcing anything from my fucking Facebook connections, which really it's the same shit. It doesn't fucking matter. That's what I feel like. It's like, they're not sourcing anything from my fucking friends. Yeah. It's all the same shit. I just joined hinge and hinge caps you off at who you can like per day.

Yeah. And just, I mean, look, it's all the same to me. Like they, they, they do that because they think it makes it like,

this means you'll like less people and you'll be like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, I think it's, they're saying,

because you can get unlimited likes for like 20 bucks a month. Let me get the cash. And I'm like, that's so much fucking money. Like I paid for Tinder Express or whatever, Tinder Plus. So for $14.99, I've already canceled it, you can see who's already matched with you. Oh.

And you can like do this boost feature where like I guess you just appear in more people's feeds. But I was like, so what are you doing with other? Are you burying other people? Tinder, that's fucked up. I know. There's all these algorithms and shit limiting the whole point that those, limiting the potential of the reason those apps exist in the first place.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. Yeah, it's pretty messed up. Honestly, not to make everything about race, but it's kind of like how white people have built a system and then systematically oppress the other people who have to exist within this system. Right. So Tinder is the man. And we're all just the little minorities trying to scrape on by to find love i see it i see it and i hear it great yeah yeah so you're on hinge i'm on hinge and do you so hinge anybody

can just talk to anybody right i just joined it so i'm trying to learn yeah i mean you gotta match you gotta match and stuff to be honest like i'm not heavy on the internet game like i strike the fuck out when it comes to the digital it's hard but you photograph well and you're a good looking man i don't you know i appreciate you saying that i don't know that i do photograph well to be honest okay um i can show you my hinge profile can i see it yeah hold on because mill heiser our mutual friend mill heiser i showed him the the profile and he was like you don't have better pictures and i straight up like I straight up like, I hired like a photographer and shit. I went for it. You hired a photographer for an online dating profile?

Dude, I was like, yo, I'm trying to do this. Ooh, she's kind of cute. I was like, I'm trying to do this for real. And like, this was like a while ago. I don't even know how to get to my fucking profile. And like, so i like i like went for it and it didn't really do anything i also think i only used like one of the photos from the professional oh see this is good this is you with a dog yeah this is you with a woman

it's my sister but like you know what i don't think i would put a picture of you and a woman together that's true because she looks a little older, so then it's like, wait, is this his mom, his sister, or does he like older women? But this is a great picture of you. Yeah. I think Well, I think I look handsome in that picture with my sister. That's the problem. You do look handsome in that picture. This is a great picture. It's

just George sitting on, you know, a stoop with a little dog behind him. That's a good picture. This picture doesn't look like you, the one where you're jumping. Yeah. But I think it's a good picture. Oh, it does look like you if you zoom in. I think these are great pictures.

Okay, good. John's being stupid. Yeah, these are great pictures. I think it shows that you're silly. I think it shows that you're good looking. I think it shows that you're tall because people only want to date tall men. That's crazy.

Yeah, so you're walking with this nice lady, your mom, I assume? I don't even know what you're talking about. Oh yeah, that's my mom. So if you play the, so on Hinge you can put a little viddy vid. And that is- And they claim people see that more

than just a picture? Yeah, like if you have a vid, like they show it to four times as many people, they say, which is again- Which is so fucked up. I know, it's the same shit. It's like, what if you don't have the technology? Right, exactly. What if you have a vid, they show it to four times as many people, they say. Which is so fucked up. I know, it's the same shit. It's like, what if you don't have the technology? Right, exactly.

What if you have- What if you don't have a smartphone in the year 2017? What if you have a smartphone, but your camera's broken, and you can't take a video, and you're just uploading old pictures? Totally. This is me and my mom dancing at Dodger Stadium to Tupac. If you press the- How did you get the fucking-

Why does the sound not come on? Anyway, it's California love and me and my mom being goofy together it's really that's cute so I think that's cute but you know

that is cute this I think your profile is good oh yeah I forgot that there's like weird shit that you have to answer yeah

so okay you said I'm actually legitimately bad at drawing it looks like a four year old did a thumbs up that's funny alright

um it says you work at the onion well I know you don't I, that's what my Facebook says. Because I was a contributing writer there like fucking seven years ago or something. Oh, okay. Okay, let's see what else. Worst fat I participated in. Sonic the Hedgehog.

That's funny. I'm looking for an awesome person to connect with. That's nice. That's real. I'll definitely get some likes on that. Yeah? Yeah. Which is good. To me, that says the's like not just trying to dtf or whatever so that's kind

of cool do you come across a lot of women who are just like oh baby i'm just trying to fuck your dick no no no definitely not i mean if and no and if they short answer no but i also feel like if they are it's never like that like you know what I mean like a guy who's like straight like it might be more straight up in your face I'm trying to fuck but like even if a woman is I feel like when a woman really hits on a guy what they're really doing is they're making it easy for the guy to hit on them does that make sense no what do you mean so like let's say you're at a bar or something like that and and you see someone from, like, if a lady sees, like, a dude from afar that she thinks is cute, she will, like, walk by that guy a bunch, like, needlessly a bunch of times, hoping he'll start an interaction. Then, like, if it progresses to, like, later in the night, she'll hang out at that bar longer than, you know, her friends.

She'll chill. But that's sort of, like, usually that's sort of more aggressive move of, like, yo, let up, blah, blah, blah, is not as, that's not that it doesn't happen. But I feel like it's more like I'm hanging around this bar so you can say, so you can say that to me. Does that make sense? Yes. And I've done that before. I've been like, if he just sees me, he'll want to ask me things about myself, which is such an insane thing to do we are all insane little monsters yep just trying to rub our little fucking nubbins on each other and to be happy um so you try to date more in real

life yes yeah yeah do you run into chuckle fuckers uh a person who watches a comedy show and then afterwards it's like oh my god you were like so funny can i please slobber on your dick um here's the thing not really i don't think so but like i don't perform live as much out here as i did in new york so that might you know i that didn't seem to exist to me in new york that much really i don't know dude like maybe i just wasn't aware of it, but like, because I've also never been like a big party guy.

Okay. You know what I mean? So I've never, I'm never like closing down McManus like wasted drunk. You know what I'm saying? Where maybe a chuckle fucker situation might arise.

Oh, most definitely. McManus, if you're listening and you don't know what it is, it's a bar in New York that like a bunch of Upright Citizens Brigade performers go to after shows. And you know, yeah, I definitely think if you went,

you would run into girls who are like, oh, my goodness. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, but who, like, I don't know. Are these women, like, are they cool? You know what I'm saying? I don't know. Are they hot? Are they cool?

Are they interesting? I would say probably hot, probably not cool. You think there's a lot of hot people going probably hot probably not cool you think there's a lot of hot people going to UCB shows I think there's a lot of young pretty girls who go to UCB shows

maybe now maybe now yeah I don't think they're like uggos I do think they probably have issues yeah

if they're like looking for a performer to do it for them right right I don't think I've run into I don't

maybe I I certainly think like performing and stuff, uh, like helps and, you know, and, or like seeing like some of my vids or something like that, that I've like made that I'm like,

you know, that might help, but I've never like, it's never like, Oh, you're the guy from this. It's more like we meet, we hang in there.

And then after like a coffee, it's like, yo, I watched your vid. It's mad good or something like that. And I wouldn't consider that like chuckle fucking. So no one's ever reached out and been like, I love long haired businessmen, which you can see on Funny or Die, I believe. Yes.

And been like, we got to smash. We got to go out. People have made comments on Facebook about like, I'd smash that guy, but they've never reached out and been like, let's smash. Oh, God, these fucking not brave women. You know, just put yourself out there a little bit So when you go Okay so a woman Say a woman is messaging you

On one of these apps or something Or is hitting on you in person What is something you want to hear a woman say to you? Like When they're Spitting game? Yeah I guess when they're spitting game. Yeah.

I guess. Or rather, what don't you want to hear? What is something that's like, ugh? Like, okay, so there's certain red flags I'm looking for. One would be like nagging. Ah, okay. Like just saying like insulting shit. Or like, but like joking. You know what I'm saying? i'm saying which is like fine obviously i'm fucking jokester but like there's a difference between sort of

being like hey we're being silly and sort of like if you started to tell me about like your show and then i was like oh you mean blah blah blah and it's like an insult it's like because we don't know like if i just met you and you're like cutting me down it's not so much that i'm insulted it's more like oh you're insecure like something's up here and like you're like cutting me down, it's not so much that I'm insulted. It's more like, oh, you're insecure. Like something's up here. And like you feel like you got to. And I think guys do that to girls probably more than women to men. But that's something that's a red flag for me.

Also, just like the emotion, like emotional instability. And there are certain like. emotional instability and there are certain like so like if i you know like if you meet if you like i rolled up one time to get like coffee with this with this woman and like i got there and then she was like we can't go here we have to go somewhere else i'm like okay and then we like walked down to this other place and then she was like and we we ordered and then we left that place and she was just so like and she's like i'm sorry i'm just having a crazy day she was so worked up and like look we all have bad but to me i'm so like, and she was like, I'm sorry, I'm just having a crazy day. She was so worked up. And like, look, we all have bad, but to me, I'm just like, you're all over the place.

You know what I mean? So that stuff, I'm just looking for like good conversation, to be honest. Sure. You know what I mean? Wait, so this woman, so you meet her for coffee. And then she walks into the place. Did she pick the place? I picked the original place. Okay, so you pick the OG, and then you get there, and she's like, no, I can't be here.

Yeah, she was like, I'm having a hard time, and the vibe in here is wrong. And she was like, let's just go blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, yeah, cool, cool. What an LA thing to say. I don't like the vibe in here. Yeah. Oh, my God, is the coffee not vibing with you? So then you go to another place, and she was like, the vibe here is not good, too.

After we ordered, which is insane. So you paid and then left shit there? Yeah. And then did you go to another place and she's like, the vibe here is not good, too. After we ordered, which is insane. So you paid and then left shit there? Yeah. Yeah. And then did you go to a third location with this person? Yeah, we went to a third location, but it wasn't a coffee place. We were just, I think, we just kind of like walked around the neighborhood. Okay.

But like, it was just like, look, no, okay. No big deal, right? You weren't like, hey, I don't want to be here. I'll go somewhere else. That's not like, I'm not going to fucking call you a crazy cray. deal right you were like hey i don't want to be here i'll go somewhere else that's not like i'm not gonna fucking call you a crazy cray but i'm just saying if i just met you and you're like all over the place i'm just like what next dude like what what's gonna happen if we fuck like you're gonna go crazy maybe you'll be inside her and she'll be like i don't like this vibe i have to

go somewhere else right exactly and then she'll make me watch her. That's so funny. Yeah. I can't imagine doing that. Like, I don't know. I'm also just, like, not a vibey person. Yeah, I don't know. I just, it's also, to me, though, more like, I'll give people leeway if they're, like, not feeling the, you know, the atmosphere. But, like, recently, I was on, like, a third date.

Third hangout, second, like, date. I don't know if you would, would you consider coffee a date? Um, yes and no. Okay. It depends on, like, if you end the coffee with, like, we gotta do this again, as opposed to, like, coffee ends and then a text message later that's like, do you wanna go out again?

Yeah. I feel like if you're like, ooh, baby, that's a date, but if not, it's like, that's a hangout, it's, whatever, it's a fine line. So then this would be a third date, okay? Okay. So, we go out on this third date. We've like made out, but we haven't like really gone after it physically. And she's like, yo, let's, let's, she's like, we're going back to your place. Okay.

And so, and I was like, okay. And again, I got no expectations. I'm not trying to, you know what I mean? But like, she was very aggressive about going back to my place. So we go back to my place. Within like five minutes, she's like like so what do you think about sex and i was like you mean like in general or like what like what and she's like no like do you think like what do you think about you and i like having sex and i was like oh i mean you know that that's cool but like we like are you feeling like no and she's like i'm attracted to you but

i'm not gutturally attracted to you oh boy and i was like okay like like what am i supposed to say like i was like sure yeah thing to am i supposed to say like i was like sure yeah thing to say to someone after you demand right exactly and then it just kept spiraling where like but like we kind of like i was like hey we don't have no sex like we'll just whatever and so we're like chilling out i'm not being super i'm not being like handsy with her because like she's saying like she's not gutturally attracted to me or whatever and then like she sees me in my undies and she's like oh those are nice those are sexy underwear i'm like thanks she's like um the gay boys must love you and i was like

yeah and then she goes are you sure you don't suck cock it's like but that's what i mean about like she's joking right in quotes but it's like so you invite yourself to my pad you tell me you're not attracted to me then you see me in my underwear and you ask me if I'm gay. Like, what is happening here? You know what I mean? I love her. She's bonkers bananas. That is so funny.

That pales into comparison to anything I think I've ever done. That is crazy. Did you go out with her again? No, I asked her out one more time. Because she did text me later that night and she was like, hey,

I'm sorry, I was kind of in my head tonight. I was like, hey, no big deal. So I asked her out like one more time and she was like,

I'm busy and then I just didn't really. But interestingly enough, after I stopped like, you know, now recently, it's been like maybe a month or so,

she's been like reaching out again. Interesting. Did you meet her on Tinder or on Hinge or whatever? No, I met her in real life. Oh, okay.. Did you meet her on Tinder or on Pinterest or whatever? No, I met her in real life. Oh, okay. How do you meet people in real life?

I'm having trouble with that. Yeah, it's hard. It's hard for us too, I think, because we don't have like, you know, like you'll work on a project for a month and then you're done, you know what I mean? Or sometimes a day. You know what I mean?

I try to be very aggressive about like if i see someone especially in the daytime because people are a little bit more chill like in a coffee shop or in the grocery or something i'm not trying to like straight up hit on people but if i see a woman that i think is interesting i'm just like start start a conversation just say hi like just start an interaction and with no expectation of like date or numbers. Because I think the more often I do that, the more swaggy I feel. And so like the more confident I am in general, which I think is just a... So I would love to see an example of this or hear an example of this. So I'm in a grocery store.

I'm looking at jazz apples. I'm putting them in my cart. Right. How many you got in your cart right now? Six. Okay. So I might say in your cart right now? Six. Okay. So I might say something like, and you're going to hate this, but I might say something like, damn, that's a lot of jazz apples. I might count the apples and be like, six jazz apples for one

lady? Holy smokes. Now, a lot of people might be like, all right, cool, lame-o. It would have made me laugh. Yeah. That's great. Exactly. Just something silly and nothing.

Or like, what are you wearing when you're picking these jazz apples? Usually I go grocery shopping in like leggings. I'm usually coming from like the gym. Okay. So like gym workout clothes. Yeah. Like leggings, a t-shirt, sneakers, and like no hair on, no makeup. You would never approach me.

You'd be like like this woman's not fully formed she's not done she's missing things okay well maybe well i wouldn't say i wouldn't say that because then that would be maybe so i was gonna say like i do like to comment on people's style okay so something just as simple as like hey cool necklace but i have to actually think that okay that's the key i can't be like oh she's wearing a necklace so i'll talk about necklace like you gotta be like oh that is a legit cool necklace because I just think it has to be authentic. But it doesn't have to be a big deal. It doesn't have to be like, I noticed you.

I think that's bullshit. That sucks. This is honestly really great advice, and I'm going to start doing this to people. Just start the interaction. Again, and don't worry about like how do I transition this into getting this guy's number or getting him to ask me. this into getting this guy's number or getting him to ask me. It's just like I'm just starting a conversation with no expectations because I think especially women who are used to getting hit on all the time, like they sniff that shit out from a mile away.

So it's just like if they feel like you want anything from them, they're not into it. So I think you just have to be like very simple starting point. And then look, we're improvisers. Like you're an amazing listener and so then from there i'm just listening to what she says and just reacting and that's it i'm now rethinking all of my male interactions at the grocery store where a man has said something nice i'm like what does he want exactly but see that's i but i do think that's a normal reaction when a stranger talks to you like what does he want that's why you have to be very careful not to come across like you do want anything you know what i mean smart yeah yeah

which is not easy this is great okay so you you said supermarkets coffee shops coffee shops okay i'm not a big like i don't really i don't drink so like i'm not like going to bars you don't drink at all yeah how long has that been like a year or so you an alcoholic no i just don't drink at all? Yeah. How long has that been? Like a year or so. You an alcoholic? No, I just don't like it. That's such a rude question. Just straight up ask somebody. It's cool. I mean, I probably had like three drinks in 2017. My sister doesn't drink either.

She's not an alcoholic. She just don't like it. I just don't like it. I feel like I'm old enough now where I'm like, yep, I just don't like it and I don't care. I get it. I've done it. Yeah. The older I get, the less I like smoke weed and the less i drink because i'm just like

oh i i went hard for a long time you know what the you're not experiencing anything new i don't need it and our bodies don't take it the same like fucking hangovers are harder my hangovers last days yeah definitely it's fucked up i used to go to work still drunk and then get my hangover like midway through the day and be like well i guess i gotta start drinking again and it's like that's not a way to live. That's also a very New York thing, I feel like. Oh, yeah. People drink hard in New York.

I missed it. When I first moved out here, I was like, the bar's closed? The bar's closed at 1.30? Last call is 1.30 a.m. Wait, there's no after party spot? There's not a bar that's going to shut its doors and be like, keep drinking? Right, right, right. So, okay.

So I'm in a coffee shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm drinking my coffee and be like, keep drinking. Right, right, right. So, okay, so I'm in a coffee shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm drinking my coffee and I'm reading a book. Okay. The book is entitled The Hunger of My Life. Okay, dope. I mean, so already, if I can read the title from my vantage point, I'm making a comment about the title.

Oh, okay. So, like, again, okay, wait. Is it like, so it was like a self-helpy book? I just made up the title. The Hunger of My Life. Yeah. Okay, it's a memoir of a woman who's just looking for the best spaghetti. So boom, that is our interaction right there.

I would say like The Hunger of My Life. Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt. The Hunger of My Life, that's such an interesting title. What is that book about? It's about this woman who's looking for the best spaghetti. Are you being serious? Yeah, the whole book, every page is about spaghetti. Wow. Do you think she's going to find it or is it like love lost? I mean, honestly, I'm like 13 pages in and it seems like love lost. Oh, dude, fuck that.

If I'm going to read a book about spaghetti, I want that woman to like find the top notch spaghettis. You're right. I'm throwing this book away. What's your name? George. I'm Brenda. I'm throwing this book away. What's your name? George. I'm Brenda. That was aggressive. That's a great conversation.

Again, I think, especially with dudes, because I think dudes will, a lot of my friends are like, I don't know what to say. Like, fucking blah, blah. Not that my friends sound like some. They do. I know them all. Mario. You do know them all. Mario, fucking Johnny Two-Shades. But like, there's no right thing to say.

And I think the slicker you try to be, the shittier it is. So that's why I just think it's like, oh, you're reading this book? What's the book? But you just have to have the confidence to be like, because you're straight up interrupting someone reading a motherfucking book. That's not nice. But you go in there with a smile like, hey, I'm sorry, that title is so interesting to me.

Like, what's that book about? And again, you're just trying to get you're trying to get one reaction that's it if someone's really not into it they'll be like uh and then you're like okay this isn't a book right exactly you're like oh no you're not okay yeah um so i don't know i don't know i mean but again i i say this like i you know like i'm fucking some master at it it's not easy no but like this literally has never occurred to me to just talk to people. Just talk to people. In public.

But see, okay, here's a good, here's a good way to practice this for people listening who are like, nah, I couldn't do that. Like talk to people of the same sex, talk to people that you're not attracted to, like just start talking to people. So like talking to people is not a big deal. So like engage in conversation with your barista, engage in conversation when you're at the grocery with like, you know,

the old man who's checking you out. Obviously you're not trying to like hit on this old dude, but like you're just getting, you're getting used to just having a dumb conversation with someone you don't know. That's great. You should teach a dating class maybe. Okay.

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Okay. Do you want to be? I'm open to it, but it's not my number one focus. What's your number one focus? Just, like, my work. Ooh, yeah. Making shit happen. Being funny on film so it lasts forever. As opposed to improv where you're like, did you like it?

It'll never happen again. You saw me at my best and no one will know. Yeah. I mean, like, I'm open to it, you know, but it's not something I fantasize about very much. Also, I've been single for so long that, like, I'm good at being single. Not in the sense that, like, that like oh yeah I'm out partying and like fucking hitting on it's more just like I'm comfortable with it it doesn't make I'm alone but I'm not lonely so like I it doesn't scare me to be alone fair I am also at a point I don't know

I go back and forth being like sometimes late at night I'll be like oh boy this is tough and then my roommates dating someone so I was like oh this sucks I get to watch them be like lovey-dovey but then other times I'm like oh I'm gone 90% of the time so like and I'm working the 10% that I'm here so I don't even know how I'd have a real

relationship with somebody exactly and then when I'm like hardcore trying to date I spent the summer trying to date because I was like I'm here for the summer and i know i'm here and then i don't have to start working until the end of september so like let's get a relationship going and real quick and then i'll like persevere throughout me working and then christmas will be here and we'll spend time together which is the most insane way to think about having a relationship yeah yeah probably but i mean when you say i think it's just like see when you say you want a relationship i what i'm hearing when

when you when you delve out the details is where i'm which is a similar point of view that i have which is you want to feel engaged in the game you want a dude that's on the radar that you're texting maybe that you're making out with a little bit yes maybe one or two or three even like not that you need numbers but i'm just saying like you want to feel like on a friday night if you're texting, maybe that you're making out with a little bit. Yes. Maybe one or two or three even. Not that you need numbers, but I'm just saying you want to feel like on a Friday night, if you're feeling lonely, there's someone you can flirt with. There's someone there. Yes. As long as that's happening, being single doesn't suck. No.

You know what I mean? And I don't have that right now. And I'm like, oh boy. Right, right. All these dudes fucking suck. Yeah, I don't doubt it. Okay, we've come to a point in time where I'm going to reveal something we've made out before. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. It was in New York. I don't know if you know this, but I devised a whole plan to have this happen. Explain it to me. I don't remember when I was like, ooh, that George Carman is cute and I want it. But I don't remember when it happened. So Chris Gethard, a really funny dude, had

a charity thing for the March of Dimes. And everyone was doing weird shit, like Corey Brown drank his own piss, Finnelli got electrocuted. So then I was like what if we do

a doppelgang bang which is me, Sashir, and Keisha giving lap dances to people. Right. So I was like

I want to give George a lap dance. So I think Keisha because it was on my birthday paid for your lap dance. Yeah. Which is like so dumb.

We could have just been like no we'll just bring George up. Yeah I would have been totally cool with it. But then it was like a good cause or whatever. Sure, sure, sure. So then during the lap dance, I think I made out with you, right?

Yeah. Yes. Or like a little kissy kiss. Yeah, we did a little kissy kiss. But yeah, you got to entertain that audience, you know what I'm saying? Got to show them that you're just a little freak who's horny. And then nothing happened after that. Right.

But I think I asked you out and you were like, no thank you. So why didn't you date me? Did you ask me out? I did. I emailed you. Okay, email ask out.

Which is a running theme for me. Yeah. Like after I've made out with people or fuck them, I fucked Joanna and then emailed her thank you. That's awesome. So yeah, answer it.

Why? Here's the thing. Why? Why? We made out but we made out in the context of like that's not really making out sure if we're being honest you know what i'm saying yeah it was during a show there was an audience you also admitted to like fully manipulating the situation so so it's a little bit it's not i think it's a little bit you know to be like what the fuck no i don't think it's crazy to do that you know to be like what the fuck no i don't think it's crazy to do that but then to be like what's his what's his problem we made out on stage and now he doesn't want to go out um i mean i didn't go out with anyone back then that was you know what i'm saying like i was just fucking obsessed with improv and like it was nothing i

love you you know that but it's not like i was like i just like i don't know man like go and i was very especially back then because i think that was before I was like technically a performer like a house performer I was real concerned with like I didn't want to fuck anyone at UC like I did not want to like fuck with because I think a lot of people there already perceived me at a certain way which you know fair or unfair but like I did not want to be the guy that like fucked some you know other, other performer and like didn't call her or whatever. So I was like, I'm just not going to fuck my reputation up with any of this shit. Smart. So that, you know, it wasn't just you that I was like not pursuing.

Not that tons of people wanted me to. But you know what I'm saying? So that, I mean, that's a big part of it. But it was nothing like, it's not like, oh, you suck or something. All right. Yeah. Cool. You said you had a question for me.

My question was just. Before we started. My question was just, yeah, my question, because it was, which you already answered, is I was concerned because we were emailing about doing this podcast

and you were like, yeah, I was going to mention how we like made out and stuff and I was like, is she, is there another time we made out? Because like that,

right, okay, cool, because I was concerned that like we had made out and I did not remember. That's, like,

you know what I'm saying. Very funny that you didn't just ask before you came. I was. You're just like, is she going to reveal something and I'm not going to know about it? To be honest, though, I thought that that would be good podcast fodder. Because I was like. I was like, well, you were in a blackout. You were passed out in the corner. I climbed on top of you and had my way with your mouth.

I sexually molested you and it was great. I have a good dating story to tell you if we have time later just to end up. We have tons of time. Tell me now. Okay. So this was back when I was in New York. Probably around the time we did that. Maybe like a year or two later.

I started, I met this woman on a shoot. And this is the kind of situation where we would meet people, right? Like a one-day, two-day thing. She was really really uh like hot quote unquote okay and so like i i did not i had i got i was able to get her number on set but like i didn't text her and like i didn't want to like sometimes with those types i just it's like if you come on strong it's like a turn off whatever long story long she we ended up hanging out like months later right we had hung

out a couple times it was cool whatever she seemed a little cray but in like a fun way third third time we hang out i had done sketch cram that day which for those of you who don't know it's just like an all-day show at ucb so the point being i was like exhausted right like 6 a.m to midnight just like being creative so it's just like a lot of uh expelling a lot of mental energy she's texting me like yo come over we haven't like had sex yet this is gonna be like the night so i i hop a cab out to hoboken right this is where she lived and i get out there and she's like rolling a joint of hash she's like yeah i'm rolling a joint of hash she's like we should smoke it i was like hey why don't we smoke it in that jacuzzi because she has a jacuzzi right so

i'm thinking i'm being slick she She's like, oh, great idea. And then she's like, yeah, I have a way of making the water like really hot. And so she starts cutting up like vegetables, like carrots. And like she was half Filipino. And I think there was like some spices and stuff, just like food. OK. And we go up into the upstairs room and like she puts that shit in the water. Right. And I'm like okay

In the jacuzzi water In the jacuzzi water She's in Fully naked We haven't seen each other Naked to this point Okay I strip down

I'm naked I put one foot In this water Nicole Byer I swear to fucking god This was a thousand Degrees My fucking leg

I thought it was Gonna incinerate And I was like so, and I'm standing there one foot in, one foot out, dick swinging around. She's like totally submerged in water, no problem on her end.

And I'm like, fuck, I gotta do this. So I get in, so hot, so uncomfortable. We spark this joint, as I established earlier,

I'm not a big party guy, but I'm like, okay, so we're like smoking this hash, whatever. Long story long, I get the spins, real quick, like within 10 minutes right and i can feel it and i'm like fuck like am i gonna be able to like you know fucking get through this she kind of gives me the eye not at this

point my memory is kind of fucked but she kind of gives me the eyes like let's go fuck now kind of vibe and i we stand up and all the blood rushed to my head, and I fucking fainted. Oh, no. I fainted just like, boom, in the jacuzzi, and because I'm like a goofy comedian or whatever, she thought I was like joking around, and the next thing I remember is my eyes opening from under the water and seeing her. You know how like when you look up underwater,

and you look at people, and they're like wavy? I was like seeing her wavy body, and I was like, what the fuck's happening? And then she like picked me up, and she was like, did you just like faint? And I was like, and I was like no I'm cool it's good it's good it's good and I was like trying to play it off and I went to the other bathroom to like be alone for a second and I looked at myself in the mirror and I literally said out loud to myself in the mirror I said can you have sex right now and the answer Nicole Byer was was no. No. I could not. That's very funny.

Also, so funny that she thought you were doing a bit and waited to help you. Like, maybe I could have drowned. Yeah. You know what I mean? It was insane. And she's like, he's really committing. He's just, yeah, he's a great actor. Oh, my God.

Holy smokes. I can't wait to fuck this wonderful actor. Yeah. Like, he's really drowning right now. He's performing for me right before we fuck. This is like performance art. This is fantastic. I love it. That's so funny. So you didn't fuck her. Not that. Oh, he's really drowning right now. He's performing for me right before we fuck. This is like performance art. This is fantastic. I love that.

That's so funny. So you didn't fuck her. Not that. Oh, but you didn't. Eventually. We actually dated for like a month or two. But you know what was funny about that was she thought I was like a drug addict because of that and some other experiences that she had like never seen anyone like faint before.

So she was like, what's going on? You know, she thought, you know what I'm saying? And I think she was into the idea of dating a messy guy. Oh, okay. And I think it was like, sorry, dude. I'm actually kind of just a dork. Wait, what were the other things that would lead her to believe that you're a drug addict? The other thing was at this time in my life, Nicole, I was going through this thing where I was getting food caught in my chest.

What? Yeah, it was weird. And I couldn't fully swallow things. Okay. And so sometimes, like I'd have to like sometimes like get up and like use gravity,

take a sip of water, whatever. But sometimes if it was bad, I would like vomit it up. So literally one week after this fainting in the jacuzzi, I take her out

to like a nice restaurant and I'm feeling like just for my own manhood, I'm like I need to like, that was so lame what I did. Like I want to just feel like I can, you know. So I took feeling like, just for my own manhood, I'm like, I need to like, that was so lame what I did. Like, I want to just feel like I can, you know. So I took a real, last bite of the meal, steak. It gets caught, right?

So I go to the bathroom. And normally if I puke, I'm good. This time, it's just like every 10 minutes, it just couldn't go away. So I was like going to the bathroom throughout the night, every 10 minutes, puking. Oh, no. And so she thinks I'm like, you know. Doing coke or something. Yeah, just something. And every time I came out, I was like, she's going to be gone. Like, she's going to be gone throughout the night every 10 minutes puking. Oh no. And so she thinks I'm like, you know. Doing coke or something. Yeah, just something.

And every time I came out, I was like, she's gonna be gone. Like she's gonna be gone. I would be gone. She was there. She was totally there. I should have known she was crazy because we later went back to my place,

sealed the deal that night, and she carved her name into my desk with a knife. I'm like. Oh my God. I was like, this is insane. Ah, what a treat, George. This has been great.

Okay, George Caraman, do you have anything to plug? Yes. Uh, check out long hair businessman on funny or die. And, there's a short that actually Joanna Bradley and I are dropping via funny or die this week

called Apple rumors. Um, other than that, my Instagram is toilets of Los Angeles where I post pictures of toilets only. It's not very popular, but check it out. It's not very popular? Nah. Really?

I don't think so. Okay. My social media game is weak, dude. I mean, I just don't have any. That's my only thing. So wait, why did you decide to do Toilets of Los Angeles as opposed to like... Well, okay. The real reason is I fucked up and didn't realize you could have two Instagram accounts.

So I used to just have your boy George, which was just my life. And then I erased all of that. Oh, shit. And was like, I'm only doing toilets. Because I saw there were so many toilets that had been thrown out on the street. So why don't you just get a new Instagram and rebuild your personal one? It just feels like a lot of work. What do you Instagram?

What the fuck do you Instagram? I Instagram pictures of myself when I'm feeling pretty. Okay. That sounded so sad. And then I Instagram like, I'm doing this show or I'm promoting this.

Word. When you work more, they'll make you do it. That sounded shitty. It did sound shitty, but that's okay. We're pals. But I don't think I will do it.

I think I'll refuse. The show that you just did episodes on, they're going to ask you to promote on it. Yes, they will. They will ask you to promote. They will ask you to, and that's going to keep happening. You're going to keep booking shit,

and they're going to be like, you have to promote this. But if I start an Instagram account right now with zero people. It doesn't matter. By the time it comes out you'll have like a couple thousand.

And I'm telling you you're a good looking man. Appreciate it. Women are thirsty. They're pussies. They're looking. You ever be DMing dudes? I don't.

I don't DM dudes because I've been DMed by strangers and it feels crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But usually people will DM me nasty things. Nasty things. Tell me. I'm gonna eat your fat puss. Whoa. But usually people will DM me nasty things. Nasty things.

Tell me. I want to eat your fat puss. Whoa. And it's like, it's not fat. That's the least fat part about me. Everything else is pretty big, but that's just normal size. Do you respond with that? No.

Nice. I usually don't respond. Yeah. Okay, so we're at the end of this. Yeah, we're done. Yeah, so if you listened to this podcast and you said, oh, baby, I like it. What extra thing can I do? You can go to iTunes and you can rate this podcast and you said, oh baby, I like it. What extra thing can I do? You can go to iTunes and you can rate this podcast five stars.

And if you rate it five stars, you can also put a comment. And if you put a comment hitting on me or saying something very salacious and sexual, I'll read it out loud. Here's an example. I don't have any good examples of what people have sent to me. So this is off the top of my head. You can say, hey, Nicole, love your podcast.

I want to put my finger in your butt. You can also say, Hey, Nicole, you're a nice piece of chocolate. I want to put you in my mouth. And by my mouth, I mean, I want to put you right in my dick hole. These are all terrible. So you'll think of better ones.

Thank you so much for listening. And George, thank you so much. Thank you, Nicole. Bye-bye. Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast. This has been a Team Coco production.