Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - You Smell Like Me (w/ David Gborie)

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

Comedian David Gborie (voice of Comedy Central, All Fantasy Everything, My Momma Told Me) joins Nicole to discuss the hottest porn, why two comedians can't date, how women improve the lives of men, and looking like a pervert at The Nutcracker. Nicole daydreams about what she would do if she had a dick for a day, and shares the story of hooking up with a coworker, which led them to quit.Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date? The podcaster, Meenacle Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single, even though you could, even though you could, you could come, you could come right on a lamp post and tell me that that is new electricity. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

And I would go, yay! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. That one was bad. Okay, hold on. Let me go with the better one. Even though, even though you could come in a container for seven years and then scrape it out and add water to it and

make a engagement ring for me and give it to me. I was... this one's bad too! It's a lot of cum. It is a lot of cum. Okay, even though you could you could take me to a waterfall and push me in I would would still come back and say, I love you. Okay, that's pretty good. My guest today is a standup comedian and the voice of Comedy Central. He has the very funny podcast, My Mama Told Me, and all fantasy everything. And now he's gearing up to drop a brand new special. And you can get updates on that by signing

up for his free Patreon! Ooh baby I'm so excited he's here today! It's David Borey! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Wait, David, you live in Denver? I live in Denver, Colorado. I thought you lived in LA. I know, I don't tell people. I came back during the pandemic,

and then I just sort of didn't say anything about it. You're like Marcella. I never fucking know where she is. Like, she's always just out and about. It's wild. Yeah, it's okay Reasonable Denver so quiet. I have a bicycle. It's like good. Oh, you're a bicycle man. I'm a basically Basically a starista wait, do you ride your bike like everywhere? I am now.

I only have the bike for like three weeks. That's why this is even coming up. But yeah, I'm like heavy in these streets on my bicycle. Okay. Helmet on. Helmet on. Good, wear the helmet. Come on, in the park, down by the water. That's crap.

In the neighborhoods. In the park, down by the water, that's in the neighborhoods. In the park, down by the water, and you're like, and that's it. That's really it. I'm not like trying to mountain bike or anything, but I'm a good city cruiser. Have you picked anybody up on your bike? I know it's only been three. Are you dating?

Are you dating someone? I am. I am, which is like, feels like, damn, this is, now I got a whole new community, I blew it. Wee, how long have you been in your relationship? We have been official since Thanksgiving, but we started going out on dates on like, in like June last year, but I was on tour and stuff. So it'd be like, go on dates,

and then I go out for a week or two, and then come back and be like, I really wanna hang out with you, but I also have to leave again for two weeks. And then... Ah, shit. Tour ended, and we got it. That's what I'm going through right now,

where I'm like, bippin' and boppin' out of town. So I guess I'll have to wait to get into a relationship. This fucking sucks. It's kind of sexy, bippin' and boppin'. Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip. Like, oh, she's such a jet setter. Oh my god, she's going to all these different places. Yeah, that's how it was. She was like, oh my god, do you have

to go to Cincinnati for work? Who are you, James Bond? Oh my god, you're going to be in Tacoma, Washington? Oh. Oh. I've heard great things about the smell. Oh my god, Billings, Washington? Oh. Oh. Oh. I've heard great things about the smell. Oh my God. Billings, Montana?

It is so funny. Like I did a college show in Billings, Montana and I'll never forget, it was a black flight attendant. She went, honey, are you on the right flight? And I was like, what? And she was like, I'm kidding, you'll see. And then we landed and I didn't see another black person.

It was me and her against the world. And you know what? She stayed at the airport hotel and I had to go out into the world of Billings, Montana. I mean, thank you for the solidarity though. It's the worst when you go someplace and you see like one black person and they don't acknowledge that they're the other.

Have you ever had that? Like you're in like South Dakota and you're like in a restaurant like hey And they just pretend like it doesn't yeah, it's a Burning hell that person is a cold fucking world when you go overseas The black people overseas don't do it that fucked me up about europe. There's no black person head. Not appreciation They just don't have that It's I I hate it. I it's weird. When I was in Greece, because there was very few black people in Greece and I found some and I was like, like, shake. I was like shaking my head. Yes.

To be like, you will. You will acknowledge me. And then I found an American couple. And the only reason why I know they're American is I was way out in the water so fucking far away. And this woman nodded at me and I almost drowned trying to nod back at her to be like I see you And that's because you're a patriot Yes, I am. I am a patriot. I was at January 6 You would be I think you could have brought some real fashion to that whole proceeding though.

Oh, David, thank you. I do think you could have brightened up January. Thank you so much. Honestly, that might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Like a jazz of January 6th. I think you could have, you could have put your little print on it. Thank you. Okay, David, who made your relationship official? Was it your lady or was it you? It was me. It was after Friendsgiving.

And I had Friendsgiving at my house and my little brother was here. And I was just drunk on camaraderie and love and Turkey. And we were getting ready to go to sleep. And I was like, we're, this, we gotta, we gotta do this, right? And then she was down for it. Yeah, it was very sweet.

That is sweet. So your anniversary is Thanksgiving? The day after. Oh, okay. Yeah, cause it was, it was the 26th last year, the Friday after Thanksgiving. That's so cute Where did you meet her? Uh, so it was really great. We're she's just a really close friend of mine I have like do you have like a couple friend that you're like really close with do you ever have that a couple friend?

Like a friend a friendship there like there are a couple and your friends with both of them. Yes I have one of those for like I mean shit. They've been together for A friendship, they're like, they're a couple and you're friends with both of them? Yes. I have one of those for like, I mean, shit, they've been together for 10, 11 years now. And she works with the woman in the couple. They work at the same, but so she would be around, like she would be at like barbecues and lake days. And like one day I had a birthday party for my friend at

my house and she came and she had a really clever costume but I did not say anything and then just like after a while is just like now we're talking at the barbecue and then I asked I asked her out on a series of very odd dates but it worked out at the end. Well, I gotta know, what was the costume and what were the dates? The costume was she had a cowboy hat on and like a cowboy suit, like a dress situation,

but on the cowboy hat, she taped a Uno reverse card. So she was reverse cowgirl. Ah, that's great. That's plan. Yeah, it really got me. I was like, that's so funny. And then the date, I don't know, man, it was crazy. We went to Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I was like, do you want to go to Rocky Horror Picture Show? And we were the only black people there, but it was fun. Of course. Yeah, no, it was, but that was fun. Of course. Yeah, no it was But that was good. And then I was like, okay, that was a crazy date Do you want to go see that movie? I just took her to like a series of bad movies in Weird Nights But we have we got it together. What was the bad movie? It was that Denzel Washington movie about the robots and like the little boy

Do you know what I'm talking about? Not Denzel Washington movie about the robots? And like the little boy, do you know what I'm talking about? Or not Denzel Washington, his son. Oh. The creator, it was the creator. Okay, never seen that, but I do like Denzel's son. I do too, but so bad. And it was like, and it was like loud and I got a headache. And then I've since found out she doesn't like movies,

she doesn't like going to She was going to movies that much What she doesn't but the movies are wonderment and fun and there's popcorn No, she just wants like walk around or go to the museum and stuff, which is also fun. She's one of them smarts Yeah, she likes the museum. We went to the orcas the other day. It was a good time. That's fine It was a good time. That's fine. It was fun. But the whole thing, they were like, they were like, it would say something about orcas in captivity and how bad it was. And then they'd be like, but the country of Norway killed 100.

So captivity is not really that bad. It is like a very odd. It felt like whale propaganda. That is funny. I was in South Africa and we went to an elephant cafe slash sanctuary where you feed them and you pet them. And I was like, oh, no, are these are these elephants like sad about being in captivity? But like their day was pretty chill. Like they hung out with us and then they got to go swimming and like have a free day.

Oh, so you got them on their day off. Just relaxing. Somebody asked the question during lunch. They were like, so the elephants are in captivity, like, are they okay? And then they told a story about how one of them left, like a bunch of elephants came by the sanctuary and was like, what up? And she was like, what up? So she left with the herd that came by and then she got pregnant and then was like, wait a minute, no one's feeding me? No, like we don't have, we have to like find our own place to sleep. So then she came back, she gave and gave birth and then decided to stay.

And then I think her son left and then came back. And I was like, I don't know if I believe this, but also I kind of do because elephants are very smart. Yeah. And I feel like they're smart enough to know a good thing when they got it. Yeah. I have a really opposite sanctuary story. I went to a is kind of sad. I went to a chimpanzee sanctuary in Sierra Leone and like they were not having a good time.

And like there was this one chimpanzee and he was throwing like these giant boulders up at the fence. Yeah, we had to like duck down and we were like, what's going on? Me and my mom and the guy was like, oh, that's just Bruno. He's the alpha. He does that. And I was like, oh, that's just Bruno. He's the alpha, he does that.

And I was like, oh, that's crazy, Bruno's really angry. And then like five years later, my roommate was like, what was the name of that chimpanzee that you saw in Sierra Leone? And I was like, oh, it's Bruno. And that show, I Shouldn't Be Alive, there was an episode about Bruno, he got loose and killed two guys, like ripped arms off.

Oh my God. That's wild. So he was not having a great time. Yeah, right? Yeah, that's, cause was it, what was the, was it like a zoo situation or was it like free Roman? It was free Roman. It was just, from what I could tell,

it was just like a fence around a giant section of jungle. And then you walk like along the top of the fence. And it was like, I love Sierra Leone in my heart and soul. Maybe not the best zookeepers. Sure, I get that. It was kind of a janky zoo. This was weird because it like wasn't a zoo. Like I didn't see where, they kept talking about where they slept

and I was like, I don't see any housing for, like I don't know where they are and then there was no fence and I don't- So that's how she got to just go? Yeah. That's kinda, I mean, I guess that's kinda beautiful, right? Yeah, just to be like, well, all right, I've had it. I'm not going to see what these elephants.

How's the cafe? The food was actually pretty good. And then the dessert was very good. It was elephant. Yeah, we ate elephant. That's how they run the whole thing. That would be wild. That would truly, I would just be like, no,

this is a nightmare. We can't be doing this. Wait, David, I have a question. Okay. Okay. So you once had a couple try to take you home after one of your shows in Iowa after they aggressively heckled through the, like, so were they heckling, like, sexual in you?

Were they like, fuck ass? It was fucked. So it was like, I was in Iowa and there had been a severe rainstorm Like a really terrible rainstorm So hardly anybody came out like nobody it was like it was like that couple and then like three other people throughout the audience And it was like she was heckling. He didn't say anything, but he was like odd guy He he's wearing all Dallas Cowboys everything like leather jacket

t-shirt pajama pants hat flip-flops Okay, and very Thin man like you know when a man is thin like yeah when you're like, oh no, are you okay? Yeah, like he looks like he's cold. It was him and then his like kind of bigger vivacious wife They were in the wife just was not stopping yelling at me The whole just everything and not bad but not good either just so she was saying shit

And then I made a joke about like oh be careful. That's how you get me in your hot tub And she's like we could go right now That's how you get me in your hot tub." And she was like, we could go right now. That's so funny. Yeah, it sucked. She was like, we could go right now. And then she was, and then she got really aggressive and he didn't say a word. And then afterwards we took a picture. I mean, that is truly wild.

And sounds like hell on earth, but also sounds like the people who propositioned me after shows, a fat woman and a very thin, cold man. Quiet, quiet energy, man. So quiet, dragged there, and I'm like, how cold are you? Like, do you need two of us, two fatties? I wondered, the way I felt like, I was like, I don't think he's gonna be an active participant

No, he's gonna watch the the Cowboys on a VHS that he has while she fucks you in the hot tub Yeah, or he's just gonna sit in the corner smoking like Virginia Slims Just like stewing Just being like oh, this is my life now. Oh my god. I could have gone to diesel college Also your favorite type of porn is found footage, what do you mean like it's not a Blair Witch product of fucking porn okay, this is and I've had to like I Want it to look like people having sex I don't want it to look like actors and actresses. You know what I'm saying? So it's a lot of like.

Sometimes you hear a kid in the other room, or it feels like it's like some type of some like some type of parents relieving stress, like it, I need it to look like real, like I want it to look like you just got off of work and then you're having sex. Okay, I also do like when it looks real, except I watched this one porn, okay, I can't remember the actor's name, but he did die.

So it does feel a little strange, but then also I'm like, this is your gift to the world. You'd want me to watch this. Yeah, this is it. James, is it, it's not James Dean. I feel like there's a porn guy named James Dean. Yeah, I don't think that's him. Anyway, like, oh, maybe it is,

they're like, it was two actors, but at one point they're like, we have to be quiet so your parents don't hear us. And I was like, I'm in. And it was two actors but at one point they're like we have to be quiet so your parents don't hear us and I was like I'm in yeah it was so fucking hot that's what I'm all about sometimes or like sometimes it'll be like the ladies getting ready in the bathroom and he like even shuts the door that's what I want to see oh man I'm. That's nice. Oh, wow. It's the best. Oh, wow. It's the best.

What a dang treat. It's the best. Ugh, I'm having the worst time dating, so I'm just, any nice thing like that makes me real horny. I love that that's the nice thing. Sexy, quiet sex in a bathroom. You're like, that's so sweet. It sounds so nice.

Like, just getting ready being like yeah I'm almost ready to go to Red Lobster and he's like how about this lobster and I'm like oh that's exactly what I think and I've learned about myself over the years is that's something that I like to have sex right before you have to leave to work. And it's like I don't know what it I don't know what it is. Cause it's sneaky. You're like, oh my God, we gotta like, we gotta get it in. Yeah. And I like the like, I have to go. And you're like, ah, or.

Or we could do a little bit. Come on, check out this lobster. We could just spend some more time together. And then I like going out in the world after you just like really came. And then you're just like, oh. Now I'm in a Jamba Juice and they don't know, I just like, I'm empty.

Nobody knows what I just did. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I told this story on the podcast. I once fucked somebody and then we went out to dinner, and then I got in the car after dinner and I looked at my hair and I was like, nobody told me. Nobody told me that my wig was on crooked and looked insane. Like it was true sex hair and he didn't say anything. The server didn't say, I was like, everybody knows. Everybody knows.

Love it. I remember when I was younger, I had a bunch of sex. And then we had to go to my friends, we were going to my friend's parents' house for and they came and picked me up and I was having sex like right before and I got in the car and everybody's like it smells like pussy in here. Sorry about it. I was just in one. Come on can't wait to watch football with your dad. I also really like that you seem to fuck a lot on Thanksgiving. Wow. Wow, I guess. I never thought about it. But yeah, because after I left Colorado, it would be like if I came home for Thanksgiving

and I was like, yeah, yeah, I fucked a lot of Thanksgiving. Wow. That's nice. I love community. I fucked a lot of Thanksgiving's. Wow, that's- That's nice. I love community, I love pies, it makes sense. What's your favorite pie? I'm a sweet potato on top, but pecan and pumpkin are like close twos.

Okay, I don't love pumpkin pie. I think it's like- I get it, I get it. A deranged sweet potato pie that's sick. I get it, I just, I think it's like a deranged sweet potato pie that's sick. I get it. I just, I think it's like a texture thing. I like fall colors. I think the palette, it tastes like it looks. Does that make sense?

It absolutely does taste how it looks, but a sweet potato pie, oh my God, a good one. Yeah, it's like a darker tone too. Yes, oh, and I love the too. Yes. Oh and I love The texture of it. Oh my god. Am I horny for pie? That's usually I'm like You should eat some pie in the bathroom little oh my god And then I go to sleep and like that's what I wanted. That's all time. I have it in a morning I just needed bathroom pie and then I'd be like well Time I haven't been working. I just needed bathroom pie and then I'd be like, well

There is no turning back from like you're just the fattest person to like you're just sitting on I mean as long as you're sitting on the top of the toilet, I don't think it's so bad If you got hole open, that's not it. It's not good to eat pie like that Hole open You know what? Drag race does these That's not good. It's not good to eat pie like that. Whole open. You know what I mean? Drag Race does these, they'll do like, the library's open and like, read your fellow queen. And one of the best reads was like, you're so fat.

You sit backwards on the toilet and use the top as a plate. It just made me laugh so hard because I was like, you know, it would work. Yeah, I, yeah. Yeah, it would work so well. If you just want to have like a sad meal. Yeah, just the saddest meal.

And then, you know, stay there for a minute, you can just shit right there. Yeah, and then call somebody up, you can fuck in there. That's like a full day. It is a full day. Okay, real quick, We gotta take a break So I didn't know this but you lived with juggalos Yeah, I had a time there was a time. What does that mean? How did you find them? What is this?

Whoa, okay. So Colorado there it this is not this probably like Nuggets went to the what lots of us so it was oh eight oh nine 2008 2009 in Colorado, there's so many jug lows here really caught yeah, they used to call it clown town is like I Know it's crazy. They used to call it clown town.. It was like, I know, it's crazy. They used to call it Clown Town. There's so many Juggalos out here. And a bunch of them went to high school with me. And I had gone to school in Oklahoma and I came home

and I have nowhere to go. And my friend was like, you can come with me in this house and you can work with my friend who lives there. And then after like, you find out pretty quick like they had in the computer room there was all this juggalo propaganda and then i was like oh and then yeah for like a year and a half two years i was heavily invested in a juggalo scene you were a juggalo as well no no never that i never committed i never did you ever fuck a juggalo a juggalo a juggalo as well? No, no, never that. I never committed, I never.

Did you ever fuck a juggalo? A juggalo woman? Well, and it's complicated because some like to be called juggalettes, but the hard cores say no, I'm a juggalo. Juggalettes are whores. The women say, they say like, I don't wanna be, I'm also a lo, not a let. Whoa, interesting.

It's weird. And no, I didn't, they don't like, they weren't, we weren't on the same page, me and the Juggalettes. Okay. Because the dress code is very similar to the Juggalo dress code, and that's maybe not my style. Wait, there's a dress code? Well, it's just like,

it is like kind of really poor white people, so it's just like. They love ICP merch, and it's like, well, I don't wanna go anywhere, and it just wasn't, and it's a different hobby, it's just like a different lifestyle different What mess? Oh, yeah, that was a big one. That was one that they liked violence

Describing violence like I remember we went to a party one time and we were we went to a party because my friend was buying a stolen radio We go to the party to get the radio and we're standing upstairs and this guy runs upstairs and he's like, some bitch just got hit with a hatchet downstairs and we all ran away. And it was just like, I was just like, this is not, I don't think that's where I was gonna find

like the love of my life. A hatchet? Because they love hatchets. And they just carry around hatchets? Some of them do. I remember this one who was in our high school, she would carry a hatchet and she said she kept it for the fat bitches. For the fat bitches?

That's what she said. I think she was kind of bragging, like showing off. I'm... Sweeegeless. It's a weird scene. Juggalos are a level of white that I've never really encountered. Well, you're from a good place. You're from New Jersey, right?

It's not the best place. It's not juggalo bad, though. It's not juggalo bad. Boy, I wonder how many black people are juggalos. A lot more Mexicans than I've found. But my friend who got me into it at the time, he is half black. Or he got me into the situation.

Mm-hmm. Is he still living the Juggalo life? No. It did not go great for him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever dated another comedian?

Really, really early on, like maybe year two, and she was like on her way out, but no. Oh, okay. I'm like a very private person. So I have a big separation between church and state. It always seemed like the worst to like, now I gotta go home, we're gonna talk about comedy in bed. We're gonna talk about comedy in bed?

Listen, that is, I think, the most unhinged thing. When two comics are dating, I'm like, wait, so you go home and talk about sets? This sucks. You talk about sets in the car? This sucks. Also, we both can't have jobs that we're embarrassed of. That's not okay. Like, you know what I mean? Like somebody has to just have a real job we can't. Now like what I'm gonna it's just it's nuts. It seems so bad. It seems I never I never but also

like even when I had regular jobs, I never like, I was never one to mess with people from work. I never even, I would like not even talk to people at work. They would think I was like a quiet person. That's interesting. Cause like when I worked at Lane Bryant in New York, do you know Lane Bryant's a fat lady story? Oh yeah, a hundred percent. So like I started hanging out with the girls there or they kept being like,

let's hang out. Let's well, first they were like, you're a freak. And I was like, sure. I'm wearing a tutu. And I danced in the aisles. I'm like, yeah, what you mean. But then they were like, that freaks funny. And we like her. So then like they kept being like, let's hang out, let's hang out. And then I took them uptown just to this restaurant called Toast, like right under where I lived, because I was like, we'll go out, we'll go hard,

and I'll go straight home. That's a good move though. Thank you, so that's what we did. And then people kept being like, we gotta go out again. That was so fun, and I was like, it was a Tuesday night, who, like, do you have friends? And they just kept asking, and I was like, I don't have friends and they just get asked and I was like I don't want to hang out with work people. You people are weird. You're not my chosen people

We just ended up getting hired That's how I always felt about work in school and everything is like yeah, and you were probably too fun Because like right like you're an adult you can choose your friends. These are your forced friends So you probably I feel like you probably just blew the doors off of it I think so like one girl was like that was the most fun I've ever had I was like ever Yeah, ever all I did was blackout and order cheese fries and scream a little that's pretty cool though. That's In all iterations Yeah, it's nice

I've had that night in all iterations. Yeah, it's nice. And then I worked at this other restaurant where the girls kept being like, let's hang out. And then at that one, I was like, no, because they were all younger than me. And I was like, I can't get these girls obsessed with me. Right. I can't have a trail of women wanting to hang out with me.

Have you ever had people from work hang out with you and you went like maybe too hard and then they're like, oh And then you're like fuck I didn't I I played my whole hand Yeah I once went out with a girl I was working with and then we ended up sleeping together and then she like quit like three weeks later and I guess that was too much like quit like three weeks later. And I was like, I guess that was too much. Were you planning on hooking up with her? No, not at all. We went out and cause she kept being like, let's go out.

And I was like, all right, fine. Let's go out. And then again, they had, uh, I think they had grape vodka at this bar. And I was like, what? I've never seen grape vodka. I'll drink that bottle. Truly like killed that bottle for that bar. And then we met this man and she was like,

we should have a threesome. And he was like, I don't. And then I was like, why don't we just go home? And she was like, okay. And then we fucked. And then like the next day she was like, what happened? And I was like, ah, nah. I was like, well, you're in my bed. I'm like, you smell like me. Yeah. And then she like,

didn't want to like leave my house. And I was like, you, like at the time I had like four roommates and I was like, you gotta go. I have to decompress with my roommates. Yeah. Who are my actual friends and tell them all about this night. How weird you were in bed. You gotta go. And then she quit? Yeah, she quit like three weeks later. Wow.

I mean, it's something you put the whammy on her. I don't know if it was me, but like. It was you. She kept being like, that was wild. That was so, and I was like, yeah, man, whatever. And then she did ask me to hang out again, and I was like, yeah, man, whatever. And then she did ask me to hang out again. And I was like, no. Had she hooked up with a girl before?

Oh, I don't know. Oh, I should have asked. Yeah. That's so funny. It never occurred to me to ask. Yo, I think you kind of like probably turned her out and then like, she's like, oh, what do I do? And then you're just standing there at work every day.

And I was like, I'm not here to help. Yeah, and you're two two dancing in the aisles and she's like, why don't you love me? That's a tough, I would have quit too, I think. I think I would have quit that job. I mean, whatever, just like have a cool time and then like come to work. Some people are cool. You're right.

Also, the manager of that Lame Bryant, he had a wife who was fat. He was a very thin man. She was a very fat lady. That makes sense. She had a gap in her teeth and I remember they call them key holders like the assistant managers. She was like... was like gapped

No, no, no, but as she was waddling in which is not kind to say but she was waddling My key holder was like, you know what they say about women with gaps in their teeth I was like no what she's like the good at sucking dick and I was like boy What and to this day I don't understand that because I'm like, what are they, putting the dicks between the slit in their teeth? No. I think that people just get like one experience sexually and then they,

cause I knew this guy when I was young, this guy Travis, and he told me, you know what it means if a girl wears white pants, she'll do anal. And I believed that for so long. But now as a grownup, I'm like, I think he just did anal with the girl who wore white pants one time. Yeah. I mean, what? That's wild. I don't wear white pants and I don't do anal. So maybe there is something to it. I mean, man, Travis knew.

Maybe. I mean, I have done it, but I don't like it. I don't. It. I don't, it, if that is, it's a lot of extra. It's so much extra, you gotta like empty your whole asshole out. And the one is cool, but it's like the way that you do it regularly, I get it, but I don't, I'm not greedy. Oh, I'm not greedy, I'm grateful.

Come on, I just want some pie in the bathroom. And I'm good to go. You know what? Man, that's- wait, do you and your girl live together? No, but we are together both nights, like three, four nights a week. That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She just left. Oh. But then she just texted me to see if I'm still working.

Oh, what did she say? She was like, are you still working? Yeah, literally just You're like, yep, that's it that's exactly what I'm saying. Yeah, I have a question. Okay, so how do I tell someone that I Want to like be serious with them? I mean, I don't know because I'm usually the coward in the relationship. It was just so apparent. It was like late because like our whole shit was like it was a really slow pickup for us.

Why? Why did you wait? Because yeah, oh, so you started dating in June you were touring and then in November You're like, let's do this. So why why did you wait all that time? Really was that like was a November when you stopped touring and you're like, okay, I can be in a relationship Yeah, I stopped touring at the end tour ended at the end of opt Halloween I will remember it was tour ended the Halloween because I was in Minneapolis. And my, our friends that we have our mutual friends, the couple, yeah, they

were throwing a Halloween party and she, she was sexy Steve Harvey, another hilarious costume. So funny. She's funny. I like that. She's really funny. And she was sending me pictures of it And I was like, you know when you've been on the road for a long time and you're like, I don't want to be here

I want to be yes with sexy Steve Harvey some clever costume on me Kissing that mustache But it just been I just when I would go I would really miss her a lot and wanna And want to be back with her and stuff like that So I was just like oh, I gotta I gotta lock this down And I really liked her so it was like usually I you know People use the term fuck boy a lot. I don't love it, but it's probably applicable I was very much would be in relationships that I didn't have to invest much

Like you know what I mean or like you would be with relationships that I didn't have to invest much. You know what I mean? Or it would be with people from out of town. And just kind of not giving the relationship the respect it deserved of being committed. So I was doing that a lot. So with her, it was kind of like I had been wanting to change my behavior anyways. And then it was just like, and then it was just like,

the more I was thinking about it, I was like, wow, this is so great. And she already knows my friends and we're really, I don't like, I don't wanna do other stuff with, so it forced me to do it. So I would say, date someone until you feel like you have to absolutely date them for real. And it was casual on both sides, right? Yeah. I mean, we talk about it when

we first started, we both kind of had like a little roster going on. And then because it was like, because we didn't, she, okay, this is also, I thought that we had had a moment and apparently we had not. So she thought I asked her out out of nowhere because we were together when the Nuggets won the NBA championships. And I thought that it was, I thought we were like vibing and that's why I asked her out.

And she, I was like, I was like, you know, you were like flirting with me. And she was like, I think we were hanging out. But then, so like when I asked her out, I wasn't even asking her out. I wasn't planning on dating with intention. It was just like, oh, she's fun. This would be like, it'd be fun to go do stuff with her because and then I started, I took a lot of care as far as like, we weren't like, I was never like, you want to just go get

drinks? I wasn't like, let was never like, you wanna just go get drinks? I wasn't like, let's go do something close to my house. I was really actively like, hey, do you wanna go to the museum? There's this new thing about black cowboys or whatever. So I was like really intentional with the dates we had. And then after a while it just became like, oh, that's because I really care so much.

I should probably come into that. That's so fucking sweet. She is a babe. It's crazy. She's great. She's so funny too. Cause like, you ever date somebody who's not funny? And then like, it kind of, you run out of steam.

Yeah. Cause it feels, I love giggling. It's like top activity for me. Like there's nothing like giggling. It's good. And whenever I go on a date with someone who's just like not funny to me, I'm like, oh, well, I love giggling, so I have to make myself giggle,

and then I'm making you giggle, so I'm doing double the work, because you're not making anybody giggle. Exactly, and then you're exhausted. Yes, because you're not making anybody giggle. Exactly. And then you're exhausted. Yes. You're like, this is taxing. I'm thinking up new bits and shit all the time, and fucking.

You know what I mean? I'm looking for funny animals on the side of the road to comment on, or whatever the fuck we're doing. It's like, man. Yeah, it's tough. And I get scared, because I'm like, what if there's no silly Billy for me? Like, what if there's like, I love being so silly. Like, I was flying back from somewhere with Sashir and I was in Economy Plus and she was in first class, but we could still

talk and I, the whole flight was doing bits about how I belonged up there and how she was keeping me back, her personally and Delta. And I was like, a non-funny person or someone who didn't get my humor would just be so annoyed for an hour and a half that I'd be like, I have another joke,

I have another one. I've had that too, where, where you like you become very irritating Mm-hmm because so-and-so which I'm always like Usually you met me at a comedy show or something. What did you think was gonna happen? Like I don't got a lot of speeds No me either I'm like I wake up singing to my dog and the gets crazier from there. Yeah I'm like, I wake up singing to my dog and it gets crazier from there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm always singing funny stuff. I'm always calling, the only bit I do that she doesn't like is I've been calling my bike a hog and she doesn't love that. Oh man, that's funny. I think it's hilarious. And it's very funny that she doesn't like it. That's why I keep doing it.

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, like sometimes we'll be walking somewhere and I'll be like, oh man, I wish I brought the hog. I just want to feel the breeze on my face. And that's like a good, that's a good time for us. That's funny, I like that. It just occurred to me that I was like, oh. So I date people and it never really goes past

like three months and till right now I was like, I guess they just like decide they don't like me. I think they're like boy She's too silly. I cannot okay, so It is like you gotta be on board for it is like a very It's like a lifestyle choice Yes, and you know, like if we're gonna be Like, for me, if you're gonna be with me, it's gonna be forever. It's never not gonna be, like, funny jokes or, like... Like, we saw this guy.

We went on a cruise, which was crazy. I took... I got a comedy cruise, and I took her on it. And, like, it was really fun. It was a good time. But the funniest thing was, we were walking. We got to the Bahamas, and we were walking out to like go to the port. And this European, like this German man was yelling for his son. And he was like, Oliver, Oliver, come to papa, come to papa. Oliver, make noise so papa can find you.

I need you Oliver. And I yell that to her, like in all kinds of places And I will never stop and it's like you need that stuff, you know, yeah, that's really funny Like the most German shit Really amazing cuz it was so funny. I just had to watch all the Batman movies for a podcast and fucking Tommy Lee Jones has the best quote about Jim Carrey where he didn't like working with him

and he said, I do not sanction your buffoonery. And I feel like everyone I've dated has not sanctioned my buffoonery. I think it's like to a point, but I've definitely turned some people off where it's like, it's not like, I can be serious when we need to be serious and have talks. Isn't it? Yeah.

But in general, I'm gonna keep it pretty light. And some people just, I think, aren't like that. I think, I feel for you when you date men, I feel like a lot of dudes, it like cuts, that there's not a huge, like there's like a lot of like, I'm a serious man. Yeah, I'm a serious man or I'm the funny man. And yeah, like I went out with this guy

and then I was like, maybe I just don't understand jokes. Um, but he, I was like taking him to his house and he was like, I was like, Oh wait, where do you live? And he's like, I live like 20 miles away. And I was like, Oh, I'm all right. And he's like, Oh, I'm kidding. And I was like, Oh, well. Okay. No, that joke sucks.

That you were right. You were right. That joke sucks. That guy sucks. Well, I fully was just like, I said I would take you home and then you said 20 miles away. That's like were right. You were right. That joke sucks. That guy sucks. Well, I fully was just like, I said I would take you home and then you said 20 miles away. That's like LAX. So like, OK, people live out there. If that's where you live, great. And then I guess it was like 20 miles is a crazy amount of money.

I don't know. I was like, but what's where's the joke? No, that's sucked. That guy's bad. He's bad. That's like you, you're better off. That sucks. Do you ever, here's what I wonder, do you have, because I've seen this happen so many times in life in general, do you ever crush a funny guy's dream? Like, do you ever have a guy where he's like the funny guy, and then you're just really good and then he has to eat that. Yeah, I dated this one guy for a little bit who he said he was like, I'm the I'm like the funny guy in the office. Like he said those words to me and I was like, oh wow.

I'll say, I can't wait to hear these jokes. And he like, it was funny because he is normal person funny, but not like, aw, wacky Jerry. Like, I have a friend of a friend named Floyd, who I had heard so many stories about Floyd, and he is literally one of the funniest people I've ever met, and he's not like a comedy person, but he's not like that, do you know what I mean?

He's just like that guy at work where you're like, oh, yeah, that was good. Back to the computer. Yeah. And he would say things and I'd be like, oh, that's like a good jumping. Like that's a, that's a first draft. So then I would punch it and like he would punch it and then I would punch it. And then he would get frustrated and change the conversation. Oh, Floyd.

No, no, not Floyd. Floyd is my friend who's actually funny. I didn't say that guy's name because that's not nice. That was years and years and years and years ago and I really liked him. I made him meatballs once. Really? And they were not good.

Well, you're supposed to microwave them and I tried to make them in a, well, I tried to make them in a pan and they didn't heat up all the way. Oh, cold in the middle. Yeah, it's tough. Okay, we have to take one more break. -♪

What's the most romantic thing you've done with your girl? Oh. Oh, I took her to see the Nutcracker. Because she didn't I surprised her though, because she she hit we were like driving around and I was making fun of her because she was listening to the Nutcracker. I was like, you're a fucking dweeb. And she was like, no, I just really like it. I was like, whatever. And then like, maybe two, three weeks later,

I had got like cool tickets like in the box to go see it. And I was like, meet me here on Sunday, it's important. And she was like, what? And I was like, just do it. And then it was the nutcracker. But she showed up five minutes late and it sucked because the box that I went that I got the box it was like me by myself waiting for my girlfriend to come and then

Like three moms who had taken their like it was like three or four moms who had taken all their little girls to see the nutcracker Mm-hmm, and they were just in the box and I was in the corner and they were just looking at me. What's Clearly this pervert doing this predator in the corner by himself like my jacket on my lap my posture was all weird I was just texting her like, you have to get here. Is he jerking off? What's happening? They hated it. They hated it. The moms hated it so much. They just kept looking back at me.

And I was like, and like, what are you supposed to say? You can't be like, I swear, there's a woman coming. Yeah, because then it's like, well, is there? Yeah, or he's a weirdo. That's so fucking funny. I bet you they were so relieved when she did come. I think so. And you're like, oh, phew.

I think so. He wasn't gonna take one of our little girls. Yeah, like, they thought it wasn't like another one of me, just like some other dude. Yeah. We'd just sit in the corner, and you're like, man, I love watching the Nutcracker. Because that was the other thing is I couldn't, what do you do?

They're like, I was just sitting there. You can't, everything you do makes you look purveyor. Yeah, it must be hard being a man. I think it's fine. I often think about when I'm walking alone at night and there's a man behind me and I am constantly looking behind me and I'm like, oh, that must feel awful.

That one is hard because I'm big and dark. So that one is sometimes where I just like, am I supposed to cross the street? I don't know the, you know what I mean? And then, you know, cause I walk around downtown a lot like that one I guess is difficult, but like you know all that extra money and stuff. I think it makes up The extra money What else do you guys get

Pretty comfortable clothing. Oh, yeah, pretty comfortable clothing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah having a dick is cool. If that's like your thing Oh, man, I would love to have one truly just really a day I get like I get stick it in everything You know after puberty that kind of subsides. Oh What about slapping it what do you mean like against stuff? Yeah What about slapping it? What do you mean like against stuff? Yeah? Like into my hand like a like a like a What are you doing around here you do both of those things Oh my god, you do it to your girlfriend tonight. That was really funny. Yeah, I won't tell her that you say I will do that

Okay, good, and then let me know how it goes I should probably think it's funny. She's pretty funny. She's very funny about naked stuff That's another thing yeah, I need to like giggle while we're naked like if yeah You can't make jokes while being naked like what are we doing? Well, and that was the good thing Oh, man, was she not you're not gonna gonna see her I just don't she's pretty proud. We're both like sleep naked people and that's a good thing too Because like have you ever slept naked and then somebody had clothes on and you're like feel like a psycho I'm the opposite. I sleep I think people who sleep naked are sick. Don't you get sweaty and like weird? Yeah, so why sleep naked are sick. Don't you get sweaty and weird? Yeah.

So why sleep naked? Because when I sleep closed, I feel so constricted. I feel bound. And it's like I'm in my bed at night. This is the one place of anywhere that I should be free to be swinging and hanging. You know what I mean? I feel so naked naked.

Like I feel like there's no protection. I like that. Yeah, it's just you. Sometimes sleep with a hoodie over my face. Like I like to be bundled up. That stresses me out. Yeah. Well then what, cause that's also, I wonder this,

so then what's the longest amount of time that you're ever naked? In the shower. And then like having sex. But then do you put on clothes after you have sex? For the most part, yeah. Unless we're like cuddling for a little bit. Do you mean if they're staying the night?

What if they're staying the night? Oh yeah, then I get up and put on my jammies. After the sex? Yes. And then I hand them their underwear so they have their jammies and I offer them a t-shirt if they want. Man. Woof. Different lives, huh? You said woof? That's just, it's so high. But I know that it's weird and I know that it's gross, especially sleep-naked in hotels. It's just, I just that it's gross especially sleep-naked in hotels. It's just I just I don't know I

Feel so it's everything. It's so tight and then I move around a lot in my sleep, and then it's just like you know I mean an emergency happens What if your house catches on fire you gotta go outside? I have like I have like there's clothes in my room Yeah, but then you just stop to put them on how long does it take to put on underwear? Listen, I don't know. I Truly sleep fully clothed every night. Like I wear a hoodie sometimes. Don't you get hot? What if it in the summer? Air conditioning, baby. Yeah, I do I blast my shit, too Yeah, I like it is cold. I blast my shit too. Yeah, like it is cold.

I blast my shit. Cold in my room at night. And now because of her, I have a humidifier. Well, that's nice. Yeah, it is. I would have never thought to do that. It's nice that like, I feel like sometimes women really like... ...better a man's life. That's a wild one to say that. Sometimes.

Jesus Christ. No, it's not. You said it all the... We're animals. Are you kidding me? All the time. Just knowing that she's gonna be here frequently, everything is better and cleaner. Oh, that is nice. Because yeah, you clean up for the person that you love. Yeah, and you want them to like your home and stuff that and like and you get a bunch of art on the walls Which is great this okay the lady the naked lady behind you. That's like a board Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I is that a print yeah, it's a it's a it's a signed print. I went to an art auction

How much did you pay for it? Do you mind? I think it was like 800 bucks. So I got that one. And then if you could see that one up there, that's a Matisse. I got that at the same art auction. It was one of those art auctions where you ever see the sign on the side of the road where it's like, art, jewelry, Ferrari. Me and the homie, we went to one and we, and it's like, it's like buying drugs. It's pretty fun. Yes. It's like a lot of fun. Art is really fun. It was

a good time. Yeah. And then I bought it and then like, so this was like when I first got some money. So Chase didn't believe me. So I tried to run my Chase card and they wouldn't. I had to like call the bank and it wouldn't work. And then they were like, okay, come back tomorrow with cash and we'll give it to you. And I was like, all right. So I went and I got cash and I came back the next day and it was like, I've been wanting to write something about it. The level of hustle that these, cause when you're there, they're all in suits

and they're like gassing you up, right? Like I would be looking at something and they would come and they were like, oh, that's a nice pic, you have a good eye. You know what I mean? Like art stroking you. And then the next day we came to the park, we came back to the hotel where it was

and it was like, they were in the parking lot. They are in Jordan sweatsuits. They have jewelry on. And like me and my friend, we pull up with our car. We pull up with my friend's car, and we open the trunk. And they have a box truck, and two old guys jump out of the box truck and put the shit in our trunk and then they give us the papers and are talking to us and then like it felt like buying it's like a

drug deal yeah that's funny at one point the guy was like see me i'm a brooklyn boy and i was like what the fuck is going on it is like such a hustle but yeah that's right brooklyn boy yeah he's like brooklyn boy jordan sweatsuit out. It is a good time though Because it's like a rush when you bid on it. It's like it feels so good and like Art auction. I don't know how to explain our auctions are for like People who are the kind that I went to That has the sign on the side of the road and then because they have like jewelry to like bust down rollies

and shit like that it's more like People who are bad at Having money or drug dealers. Yes, where it's just like I got all this cash laying around Let me just go to this roadside fucking auction There was this dude with dreads who bought like six paintings for like 40k like it's like And then when you look at it it's like it it's all like you because you know you could you're in there and you're like damn i could smell the wolves in here like it was like people trying to hide some money wild wild to on a whim spend $40,000 fucking dollars.

Yeah, it was crazy. I think we, because I got this and that, and then we got another one for another one of my buddies. Because the other funny thing about it is like the announcer is so funny. He's like, it's clearly a scam. So he'll like put up a thing and he'll be like, come on folks, this is a Matisse.

I don't even, and he's like, I don. This is a Matisse. I don't know. And he's like, I don't even want to do this. I don't even want to do this. But since you guys, since you guys don't know what's going on, I'm going to start at a thousand dollars. And let me just tell you, we're going to be in New York next week. And this piece is going to start at 5k. It was like, he was the funniest guy.

He was the funniest guy ever. And then like the jewelry ladies were all hot. Yeah, it's usually, it's a really fun time. I want to go to one. He was the funniest guy ever. And then like the jewelry ladies were all hot. Yeah, it's a really fun time. I wanna go to one. Next time you see one of those signs. I'm gonna stop on by. And like we were such marks because like

on the sign it says Ferraris. And when we pulled up, they had the Ferrari parked in front. And me and my man were like, we're about to make a million dollars. Cause we thought we were gonna like flip the art or some shit. Oh, that's so funny. We're gonna flip this Ferrari.

I don't know what I thought. And then you find out that, yeah, it's a signed print. There's a billion. It is signed by Brotero and he just died. So that's- He did just die. Yeah, so you know, it's something. I like that.

David, listen, do you have, okay? We've come to the end Do you have any advice for me a single woman? Oh? I Mean it sounds so corny the only thing that I've learned in all my weirdness deal is tell this truth People are like you're not whatever your truth is you're not too much You're not you know somebody will somebody will take to that, you know? Because for me, I was always like worried about being too much or something or like extra,

and it's like, eh, somebody likes it, somebody likes it. Someone will co-sign my buffoonery. Someone will co-sign your buffoonery. All right, David, another question that I always feel like I ask, but sometimes I don't. And then people in the comments are like, Egan, errr. Anyway, David, would you date me? Yeah, I think you're great.

Thank you! Do people say no? Sometimes. Really? What is it? None recent times. Well, I had one friend who was like, oh, we eat ourselves to death. There was another person that was like, you don't know what you want.

Honestly, sometimes I think about just like going online, finding the first person who like says yes, moving to like Arizona, moving next to like, uh, uh, red lobster, but now they're going under. So maybe my plan wouldn't work. And then just like each Hutter Bay biscuits until I die and like sit in a pool and like waste away. I know it doesn't always work out But I really always respect people who take big shots for love like 90 day fiancee It's like okay, clearly you're dumb, but I respect the courage of that. You know what I mean?

Well, are you caught up on happily ever after? No, I'm not What's going on? Nicole and Mcmood are insane. She is acting up. They've never smiled in this whole season, and it's like six episodes deep. They're not. He's walking around and flip-flop saying, I got to leave, got to get a hotel. It's wild.

I think the problem with 90 Day Fiance, we need to do it within America. Like what you said is right. Like you're from the East coast, find somebody from Arizona. It's like different, but it's not so different. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's, we're not immigrating. We're just like going across state lines.

It's easy to get to your visa doesn't expire. I think we're onto something. Come on, if you're in Minneapolis, maybe set that Tinder thing to Lafayette, Louisiana. Take the passport. Yeah. But don't go too far. Don't go too far.

Too far is bad. I do love 90 Day. Anyway, I could talk to you forever, David, but we have to go. But you do have a special coming out. I have a special coming out. It's called The Birth of a Nation with the G, because I think that's so funny. And we're taking it back.

You know, it was the first film about. We are reclaiming. I'm also on two podcasts that you can listen to. One is called All Fantasy Everything, where we fantasy draft things that is in sports. You may be in a Hall of Fame first pick, really. Oh, thank you. One is called all fantasy everything where we fantasy draft things that isn't sports you Maybe in a Hall of Fame first pick really. Oh, thank you Yeah, we drafted dating and you drafted oral first eating pussy 10 in the morning to is awesome Because then it set the tone and then the other one is called, My Mama Told Me with Langston Kerman.

And we talk about black conspiracy theories. Both fun pods. Just the most fun. David, thank you so much for being here. Truly, this was a treat. Thank you for having me. I think you're so funny and wonderful. Your girlfriend's so hot.

You're just really lucky. And yeah, she's hot. She's funny. She seems smart I'm really jealous. Hopefully I can't read if it makes you feel any better. So can you read? No, I wanted to make you feel better Oh, that was nice. That was really nice. My comprehension isn't as high as I'd like it to be though. Yeah, my comprehension isn't high either Okay, David we do have to get out of here and I'm gonna read, okay, so when people write me nasty things hitting on me to why won't you date me, podcast at gmail.com, I then read them.

So this nice person said, hi, Nicole, hope you prepared for an evening of erotic pleasures after a night of wine, whining and dining. Perhaps this is in a British accent. So I don't know if I'm supposed to read the whole thing in a British accent or just whining in dining. Perhaps in it this is in a British accent so I don't know if I'm supposed to read the whole thing in a British accent or just whining and dining. Well here we go. Perhaps the theatre will return to my place and strip each other down in the living room. There will sensually massage oil into our large frames ensuring every flabby crevice is fully explored. When we embrace limbs intertwined, bellies bumping, your glistening lady lumps in my moistened manned boobs, sliding up against each other like two

pairs of greased up water balloons in a shopping bag. We part, bodies slickened and wet with anticipation. It's then you notice the plastic tar top I've placed on the floor. Is this a Dexter situation, you wonder? What fright not? We fall to the ground like a horny Christmas hams we are and let our passions explode making sweet slippery love. The friction of the oil only adds to the excitement as we pinball across the living room like two sexy little arters.

Spent and satisfied, we clean ourselves off with a long steamy shower then sit on the couch watching TV and eating crispy chicken tendies. I do have a theory about what just happened. What? This is, this guy's writing Nicole Byer erotic fanfiction. This is not a fat man Well, this person said I hope this gave you a thrill Nicole. I'm a huge homo, but I love you So I gave it my best. Okay, there we go Because it's like first of all if you got a big body, you know, two of us aren't getting in the shower

No, no, no. One of us will remain very dirty. Yeah, and dry. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But it's a sweet try. It was very sweet. It was very nice. Thank you.

Yeah, that was good. I like that. All right, David. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Goodbye! Got a question? Crazy dating story? Or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywonedatemepodcasts at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show.

Thanks for listening! We'll see you next week with a brand new episode! Tee-doo-poo-poo-pah-pah-bye! This has been a Team Coco production.