Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Capacity for Disappointment w/ Marissa Craft

Episode Date: May 18, 2022

Aht, Aht! Disappointment can't be living rent-free in your head Sis. Matter fact, turn SJR & Marissa Craft up in the microphone as they school us on turning our L’s into lessons! Yes, the situation let you down & at times you sense defeat—W.E. validate all that. But girl, you STILL have access! Plot twist: your disappointment and trust in God CAN live in the same place. The bestie SJR opened up about a recent experience where the enemy tried it, but self-compassion had the final say. While our girl Marissa, twin mom & teacher, empowered listeners to the T! So, you gone ask God to release you from the feeling of disappointment & watch Him work? Or remain Eve’in in dem streets? Either way, email [e-mail] to be featured as a guest co-host or to ask ya girl SJR for advice! Listeners can deal with disappointment in counseling at BetterHelp.com/Evolve + stream Kingdom Business, a NEW original series premiering May 19th only on BET.plus!

God can't bless you for tend to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, itch, itch, itch, you need boundaries. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your elevation. All I need is a God party for me that's all things, all things, all things, child. It's the girl time with the delegation for me. Okay, first of all, I love kicking it with you all, get into know you and get in all up in your business.

Okay, in the best way, of course, because you know, I am first of all president, okay? Head usher, the chaplain, and the usher board at Mind Your Business Ministries. And today is no different though, because I want to learn more about Marissa. I get to hang with a fellow delegation member, Marissa Craft. She's a mom of twins, a special education

teacher and has a dope blog called Mommy Me Time. I'm sure CIS is doing amazing in all of her roles, but I want to hear it from her. Most importantly, I want to hear how she keeps hanging in there after disappointment. Let's learn together girls. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm doing amazingly. I'm trying to figure out how you're going to get the two twins to be quiet while you podcast. It seems impossible. Well, this worked out because they're still at day here. I won't you do it. Otherwise, we would just add them in as co-hosts and everything would be fine. They would take over. I bet. Ho episode. Boys, girls, boys, what's your

mix? One of each. One of each. Are they your only children? Yes. You better in there and just going knock it out, just going double it up. How's it been? Good. Well, it's been good so far. Yeah. Well, so, so, so, yeah, what did that mean? Quarter one of 2022, throw some loops, some turns in there. Quarter two is definitely looking up. So it's been good now.

So we're going to see how everything pans out. What made you want to be a co-host? Um, so I want to be a co-host because your platform is also like what I like to do. I like to empower women and I feel like we're on the same type of vibe. Like, yes, I love God. I go to church, but I also like, you know, this kind of music over here too. I have a side that I may roll my neck every now and then. And I feel like women need to see everyday women

in the same like, like, I'm a regular nine to five working single mom of twins and I feel like there's so many women out there that think that is not possible. I wanted to be that voice for those women on this podcast. Okay well that's what we're going to do. Okay Marissa I feel like on this podcast. Okay, well, that's what we're going to do. Okay, Marissa, I feel like there are times when we feel within ourselves, or at all, it's mental health awareness month, which like,

first of all, we gotta just give big ups for mental health and taking a moment to acknowledge the different trials and triumphs and obstacles connected to just showing up in life. And I feel like one of the areas that keep us from showing up in life is the fear of disappointment because of previous disappointment. And I just wonder when you hear that word, disappointment,

what like memory comes to mind first for you and what did you learn from that disappointment? comes to mind first for you and what did you learn from that disappointment? Um, my first thought is my career. I'm just shifted careers right now. I was a teacher, special education teacher, and I just shifted into becoming a behavior analyst. And the first point of disappointment was when I approached my event principal and she said, no, like, flat out, no, like, you can't go. That was like disappointment. Like, whoa, but what I learned from it is later on, she came back and was like, I heard you wrong. I misunderstood. We can do this, this, and this.

And what I learned from that was, if God opened that door, nobody can shut it. Like, I was disappointed in a moment, but it all worked out. So I have to just trust the process of what's happening. So basically, so that fast-forward to now, I have faced the disappointment in a relationship loss. It's hard, but I know based on things that have happened before that I've gotten

through that have disappointed me that this too will help me. I will see a light at some point. So don't dwell on it and just keep going. Do what I can do and not worry what someone else has done. I love that I'm torn between trying to learn from you about disappointments that end up working out in our favor versus this idea that like this last disappointment or a disappointment I had is so great and so large that I literally don't think I can handle

another disappointment. Like have you ever been just at your capacity for disappointment? And been surprised that you actually had more capacity for disappointment than you thought. Yes, currently, right now, every day I learned how strong I am and how disappointment isn't the end. This is, I'm just disappointed in a moment. I'm disappointed at what happened. But what I've also learned is, I'm disappointed because that was my plan that may not have been God's plan for me. So I'm learning to trust that it's all cloudy right now. It's real cloudy over here, okay?

But I'm trusting that my disappointment is gonna lead to God's redemption. He's gonna redeem me and put me in a place where I'm gonna look back and be like There that was it. I got it. So I'm just trusting that right now because all the things that I've pivoted through in life Have not been my plans like I am a control freak. I Need to know what's happening when it's gonna happen So when I don't and it doesn't happen the way I think I panic. Yeah when it's gonna happen. So when I don't and it doesn't happen the way I think,

I panic. Yeah. But I've learned throughout those panic moments that God has a bigger plan for me and I have to just release, loosen the grip a little bit and just let him take over. All right, Merissa, you preaching a little bit because I don't know if you heard what you said,

but I'm gonna tell you what you said, Merissa. What you said to me right here on this here podcast is that your disappointment and your trust in God can live in the same space. And a lot of times we think if I'm disappointed, I can't trust God or if I trust God then I can't be disappointed, but there is freedom in coming to a place

where you realize I can be both. I can be disappointed my plan didn't work out. I can be disappointed the relationship didn't work out that the business isn't taking off and still trust that at the end of the day that I am on a path that connects too good if I am willing to trust God in the process and allow myself to be spiraledly.

And you preached, you preached a word. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's just, it's hard. Now I don't want to give people, No, it's ugly. Like, I ain't even gonna like to see it ugly. This is a day to day constant battle with myself, like continuously telling myself good things and trying to keep the positive,

because at this point, I'm not by myself. I have children. You know, I have to keep going, and I have to, I have a career, and I have things to look forward to. So I try not to dwell on the disappointment. And like you said, we can know that we're disappointed, but still trust him. That's like our parents. When you were little, you were disappointed, your mom was told you, you didn't have that restaurant money. But you still trusted that she would feed you. You know, like, so it's one of those things, like, it's a constant battle,

but it's worth it. I want to talk about you saying that you talk back, that you're having to coach yourself through this disappointment. And I think a lot of times we speak about the coaching, but we don't always talk about what the voices are saying. And I feel like there's something powerful and liberating about someone who's listening, understanding that those thoughts are running through someone else's mind too, the thoughts of you didn't have what it takes or I told you that wasn't going to work out or this is forever going to be your story. Can you tell me what are those voices saying that you were speaking back to?

You weren't good enough. You weren't smart in this situation. You don't deserve love. You're a statistic. You can't have it all. What's wrong with you? Like I even, you know those questions that I think a lot of women deal with whether it's disappointment and relationship

or disappointment in a career and a relationship doesn't necessarily or have to be romantic. You can have disappointments in friendships. Like, it's just, those are the big voices. Like, what did you do wrong? Why? Why me?

Why me is one of the biggest questions that I have to talk back to. So yeah. I recently went through a disappointment. I think what was supposed to just be a feeling became a state for me. So in one of my messages I was preaching and I misspoke because when I speak I get nervous

and I start talking fast and then I'm just like out there. And I said something when I was speaking about like when God created Jesus. Now God didn't create Jesus. Like Jesus was a part of God from the foundation of the earth, right? But in that moment, I was just like in my zone and I was talking, I was speaking in the social media pool to clip. And that clip was out there and people were like, you know,

there was a lot of people were like blessed because like most people are not thinking about theology. People are there to receive whatever word is there for them. But there was someone that was like, God's in create Jesus, where's the sound doctrine? She shouldn't be up there preaching. And in those moments, it confirmed every insecurity that I have about speaking.

And I thought to myself, this is exactly why I don't want to do it because I told you all, like I'm not perfect, I told you I'm not going to do everything right. told y'all, like I'm not perfect, I told y'all, I'm not gonna do everything right. And like you have no business doing it. And so like I was living in that state where like I didn't want to preach, I didn't want to speak for a few weeks because that had resonated down in my spirit so much.

And I think I finally came to a place where I realized that I can reject it with the same strength that I take to receive with the same strength that I take to receive nurture and cultivate it. And to give myself permission, like if I really think that I'm not perfect and that I'm gonna make mistakes and that I'm gonna try anyway,

then don't allow myself to punish myself for the times when my imperfection shows up. And so that self-compassion has helped me a lot when I've been disappointed with myself. It's one thing for other people to disappoint you, but when you find yourself disappointed in yourself, it does take a lot of work to roll up your sleeves and work through it.

I think for me, self-disappointment is the worst. It's ugly. Like for me. Yeah. I do seek, I do like, I like validation from other people. So when I don't get the validation, that's a struggle for me. I am now disappointed in myself because I wanted it. So I'm trying to teach myself like don't even want that One thing I've learned to do is stop asking things that are gonna hurt your own feelings. Oh my It sounds so simple, but it is like truth gospel

Yeah, like so that's one of those things with me seeking validation or seeking answers like you don't need the answer It's just gonna hurt your own feelings. So I'm having to shy away from that part of who I am because then I'm disappointed. Because I thought one thing, and now it's something else, or I hope for something that now it's not it. And now I feel like, you done me? Like you know that girl?

You knew better? So that's one of the, that's the thing that I think a lot of people struggle with and they just don't know to say that. Can you remember the first time that you felt like disappointed in yourself? Like, what was happening and who was in your life and did they help coach you or did they reaffirm your disappointment? The first time? And did they help coach you or did they reaffirm your disappointment? The first time? Like the first big time, maybe it's not like the first ever in life.

Mmm. I mean, this isn't like big. No, it is big. Don't say it's not big, because if it came to mind and you remember it, first thing that pops up, I remember like, I was an athlete in school and just being, I knew I was gonna get to a certain championship for track and it didn't happen. Because I got disqualified for a dumb mistake. And I was disappointed because I was up here,

but my mom, let me tell you, that woman, she literally was like, it's okay, you've accomplished this, this, and this. You're already going to this championship, just not for what you thought you were going for. Wow. So be happy in the moment.

And that's kind of her now in my life. Like with the current disappointment. My mom is still like, it's okay. You're going to get through it. You've done this, you've accomplished this. That's one thing compared to all the other things that you are doing well. So I think it's one of the things where we get so stuck on that one disappointment that we forget all the things that we've accomplished. And that's me and my mom is one of the people who like gets me back together. And I don't think she knows it. I don't even think my mom knows that.

But she's like that person for me. Oh, you have to call and tell her that. You have to let her know. Because she may not know that she has that value. Because you're right, I feel like we need people in our world who help us to see the full picture. Because we are disappointed about a moment, but someone has seen a lifetime. They've seen a lifetime of us overcoming. They've seen a lifetime of us healing.

They've seen a lifetime of us limping until we can walk and walking until we can run. And it is easy to get trapped in a moment, but when you zoom out of the picture, and maybe you don't have those types of people in your life all of the time, which is why for me, I think through prayer and meditation, I'm asking God to help me see outside of this moment to look beyond the disappointment so that I can trust that this is gonna pass, too. Yeah, my one thing lately has been to release me, like I release me from this disappointment, release me from this feeling of needing answers,

release me from the pain, like release that for me. Let those shackles go so I can go find my peace. Cause that peace is something that I can't describe. Yeah. So that's me right now. That's my prayer like daily. It's just whatever I feel like, it's holding me back, release me from that.

Whatever's causing me to be sad, release that for me. Like, you know, and even the days where I don't know what it is, to be sad, release that from me. Like, you know, and even the days where I don't know what it is, I just say release, release it. So yeah. I think that I love that word release because it makes me, in my head, I think about literally shackles being broken off, but I feel for me at least that the moments that I have been released from disappointment weren't necessarily instantaneous though I have had instantaneous moments where I just clicked and I got it.

But it feels like the release happens little by little that the key is turned slowly but surely into the direction of my freedom. And that key is turned by the moments throughout the day that allow me to feel something beyond disappointment. So I honor those moments where I'm in a disappointing season, but I discovered joy or I laugh or I ate something that made me feel good or I got in a good workout in spite of the disappointment. And I have found that focusing on those moments

where disappointment had to release its hold on my life has helped me to see that like this disappointment is not going to last forever. So like what are some moments that you're having in this season that you can tell us like the key being turned on those shackles so that disappointment can let you go? My kids are like amazing. Um, my son randomly just mommy, I love you. And they're three and I'm just like, I love you too. My job, I love my job.

I work with children on the autism spectrum and the little things that they do, the little things that they learn just helps me just like, oh my god, like, you you know it's turning that key friends like random messages like just kind of just turns the key to like girl you got it you you're doing good it's okay i'm had a friend one day to tell me like marissa literally like like Marissa literally like, check, sit down, think about it. This is one thing compared to like your 29 year old, think of what you've accomplished. So like little things throughout the day, my career, my kids are like the biggest like turn. For this, they're all innocent

children. And the innocence of a child is just like, oh, it's refreshing. It is, I feel like my son is the reason why I survived like my disappointing seasons, especially as a teenager, because he didn't care how old I was, he didn't care that I didn't know what I was doing. He just like, I just brought so much joy into his world whenever

I turned around the corner. And it gave me this sense of gravity that I matter and that there is a reason to keep pushing and moving forward. Yes, like the random things like they do, like, go play outside and mommy. I got you a flower. Yeah. What? You thought about me when you could have been doing all these things outside. So it's just like you're right. My children are like my strength,

like the little things they do just show me like, I matter and I'm doing good. Like I'm doing a good thing. Yeah. I'm going to be honest. My schedule is often filled to the brim with meetings, about meetings, and making decisions based on meetings, and listen.

I'm not complaining, but the truth is that the potential for burnout is certainly there. And I know I'm not the only one that has felt this way. The threat of burnout is something that is ever present and hanging over our heads, whether you're bouncing around with the babies or you're going after that degree, building that business, there are moments in life where you simply say, I have had enough. That's why this podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. For me, therapy has given me tools to use to cope with the stressors

of trying to balance my work and personal life instead of worrying about if it can ever be balanced. I believe having access to therapy to gain better coping skills is the key that opens the door to taking better care of yourself and so many other endless possibilities. Better Help is customized online therapy that offers videos, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to.

If texting is easier for you, that's a start. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and one of the evolved podcasts with Sarah Jake's Roberts listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash evolve. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash evolve. Do you find yourself when you have experienced

a disappointment like dissecting the disappointment like trying to figure out like and then X equals Y and Y then turn to Z and then if you take that and carry it over like how do you break your mindset from sitting down with a pen and a piece of paper trying to figure out how did I get to this disappointment? Listen, I do, I break that whole thing down like the algebra problem. Like, I need to know this don't add up, we're having right here. Well, you should have thought about that red flag

when you saw this, you should have, girl, you remember someone so upset that you should have remembered that and you, oh, look at that text. Like I literally, and I feel like that's a problem. Yeah, I think, like a part of me tries to think that it's like noble, like I'm trying to dissect it so that it can never happen again, but like the reality is, it's like sometimes you just show up

in the trashiest version of who you are. And sometimes people are just trash. And you just have to accept, you know what I think, freed me when I was going through that, like I'm never going to preach again and I don't deserve to preach in law why you choose me and choose somebody else's and it's I was like I think one day it did hit me. I was like there's nothing I can do about it now like I'm sitting up here I can't replay it. I can't change it. I'm not gonna issue an iOS press release about it like there's nothing I can do about it now. So now what you gonna do with what's left

Right you gonna take me or you're not? Yeah. This is it. This is my offering. That is so true. Like that goes back to what I said earlier about like stop asking questions. That's going to hurt your feeling. Yeah. Marissa stop breaking stuff down. That's going because I will create. I go as far as creating scenarios. Okay. Okay. Wait.

Talk about this. This first of all, I want you to know, Marissa is giving Eve, because like, how are you saying that? Yeah, I can tell me about it. It's bad. So if I break this down and I don't have a concrete factual answer, I create my own. What?

Which is even worse. Make it make sense for me. Give me, I need an example of you creating your own. Let's see. If, like, if I just don't know, like, if I ask you a question, like if I say, pass a Sarah, what you, what are you doing? Or what you do yesterday and you just kind of go nothing. Like you just kind of get,

but I'm already in my mind, something has already happened. I will literally create Pasta Cero was over here because she didn't text me back. Like you. And I have to talk myself out of the like, Marissa Woods, like girl, you just made it up, stop. I'm wondering like, I wonder why we, because I'm good for a story. I will make up a whole. Like girl, you just made it up stop.

I'm wondering like, I wonder why we, because I'm good for a story. I will make up a whole, I'm good for a whole and this is what they were thinking and this is their intention. I'm good for a story. Why, why do we do that? What is that? Is it control?

Uh oh, I don't think I'd have passed. Hold on, hold your thought. Don't let it go. Maybe we'll do that question again. I want to know the answer. This I'm oily over here. Girl you was cute to me. I think she looked like she brought the fries and the chicken on her face.

Good. Okay. All right. about the price of the chicken on our face. Good. OK. All right. You got your answer. Did you hold onto it? Can you ask the question again?

Yes. Yes. OK. No, I'm good for a story. Like, I will come up with a whole story in my mind. And I'm trying to figure out while you're speaking, I've never asked myself this, so we're gonna do math together today.

Like, why do we do that? Is it like a knee? Is it control? Is it like, oh, okay, for me, I think I know what it is, but I wanna know what it is for you. I think that I am so uncomfortable with the unknown, that I will take a conclusion,

even if it is a fabricated conclusion over waiting for the truth. And that's trash. Listen, you literally said my answer. I have a problem with the unknown. Which I think goes back to having to have control. If I have control, I know the unknown. I know what's supposed to happen when it's supposed to happen. But if I don't know, I need to know. And you're right, it is trash garbage. I think I read this somewhere that control

or the need to be in control as a trauma response. So what in your life made you feel out of control so that now you feel like you have to control everything? We just got deep. Colley Yon We're going deep. Oh girl. Let me see. What happened? I have no idea. Let me think. Hold on. I don't, maybe when I was younger, like my mom and dad were always the other, but my mom worked a different shift. And I can remember always, like she worked like a second shift

and my dad worked first, so like at night, I was more with my dad. And I can remember like making up stories that my stomach hurt to try and get her to stay at home. And I think I wanted to control that thing. Like I remember like she would come to games. And my mom was always present. She just worked a different shift.

So I think I wanted to control when I saw her. Like I wanted her when I wanted her. So maybe that's where it came from. That's the thing that sparks my mind the most. Well, if you think about it because it's like control is avoiding something, right? So maybe there's, look, I don't know. I ain't know.

I am in the nobody's school. So just rock with me and we gonna see what the Lord's saying. But maybe it's like trying to avoid feeling abandoned. So if I can control it, then I am controlling this wound or this fear of abandonment. The only reason why I say that is because my therapist was talking to me about me like overcompensating as a mother and she was like, where did that come from? And I was sharing with her that like, you know, my mom, she worked. When she was present, she was very present

but when they were like building the church and she was traveling with my dad like she was gone and she was our sense of stability because my dad was almost always gone. And so like she was the sense of stability. So when she was gone, our world was just, you know, totally shaken. And so I think part of the reason why I show up the way that I do for my children, even though it be OD sometimes,

is because I'm trying to let them know, like I'm here, I'm never gonna leave you. And she's like, you're teaching them alive though, because you are gonna leave them. You're gonna go to work. You're gonna travel. You're gonna go out for dinner. So it's better that you teach them to make room

for all of who you are than to teach them to just depend on you. Wow. That's my life. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I feel like I overcome to say like being a single mom, there are things that I have to do.

I have to rely on certain people. I got to go to work. So just a couple weeks ago, my daughter was sick and I had to go to work. Now she went with a grandparents mother, but I, I'm mom. I felt like, I still had to go to work. Now she went with, you know, grandparents, but I, I, mom, I felt like, oh my God, she's gonna be so upset. They're like, I just started feeling all the guilt, all the guilt. And it probably does stem from mom.

Like you said, my mom was present when she was present, but now that I'm a 29 year old and I'm a mom, she had to work. She didn't leave me, which is anybody. She left me with her husband, my father. She was present, but now that I'm a 29 year old and I'm a mom, she had to work. She didn't leave me, which is anybody. She left me with her husband, my father. Right. Like, I was a bit, you left me for dead with him.

Like I was with my daddy, you know? Like, but now that I'm older, I see that. Like I see, and I think it also probably stems from, the friends I had growing up, it was the opposite. My friends had mom. Okay. My dad was like, dad. Like, he took over.

Like all my friends, they will call him and my mom would like before they call me. So I think maybe that was a thing like because all the women in my life are very strong women and I think that help that also causes me to overcompensate because every woman in my life mom grandma are all very strong independent women. Yeah. So I think I battle with that too. It's like, I'm in a season like, yeah, I'm independent, but sometimes I just don't wanna be.

Yeah, just take care of me, please. Please. Please. Please. No, that's funny because that original disappointment shows up in your present parenting, just like it shows up in mine. And I think that honoring the power of that original

disappointment is so important to see how is this still showing up? Is it still showing up? Because when my therapist got finished with me, she was basically like, so you base whether or not you're a good parent on an eight-year-old's perspective of what a good parent should be. And I was like, first of all, I don't pay you

to snatch my edges. That's not what I paid you to do. But yeah. Yeah, you just, yeah, these are covered. Because you got me. That is so true. Wow. And that's something just out here.

Oh, so just. And it's humbling. Yeah, because we both know we have great moms. So it's not a dig or anything. So that's the weird part about this whole thing, like. Yeah, because when we were in therapy and she asked me about my mother, I was like, oh, no, we good there.

We know I had no issues there. And she was like, let's talk a little bit about you. I was like, we're good. Like, what, but yeah. So, and she is my mom's an incredible mother. But children are selfish like that's just like that's just point blank where there's you know your selfish and you want all of what you can get from your parent and so when you don't get that unless you change your perspective as an

adult you will carry the disappointment of a child and punish a parent or punish yourself and the way you show up based off of that original sin that you perceived as a kid. So, man, a strong independent woman, but sometimes you don't wanna be, aren't you so glad that we're finally having permission to say like, I don't always want to be the strong independent woman.

Like, I'll do it if I have to, but I don't always want to. I'm also at the point where sometimes I don't want to be the strong friend. Yeah, can talk about it. You know, I got in trouble. I posted about me and the strong friend and talking but telling people,

like I don't have the capacity for that. And a lot of people was like, this is selfish. Like why would you be that person? No. Yeah. No, like sometimes you mentally can't take on somebody else's. You have your own thing going on. Sometimes I'm not the best person for you to ask for advice because I'm going to come

from a place that's not right. I'm going to tell you something bad because I'm in a different headspace right now. So I appreciate my small group of friends because they know we kind of, it's an unspoken thing. Yeah. You like, you got the minutes, because hey, are you able for me to say this to you?

You're right. And we all like acknowledge it. Like, it's a thing. That's even like in life when things are going on. If I'm in a moment, sometimes even if I'm down, I don't want to talk about it right now. Give me a moment. Yeah. And they respect that, mom. I think that's important to have those people in your life as well, that respect your boundaries of when you're ready. Yeah. When you're available. And they all know like,

Marissa said, she don't want to talk about right now? We're not going to talk about right now. And when she's ready, she will just openly start talking about it. Streaming May 19th only on BET Plus, Kingdom Business. On this BET Plus original series, The Sacred and the Profane collide in the halls of the first Kingdom Church and its gospel label, Kingdom Records. This is not your typical Christian drama. Musical legend Yalanda Adams will shock you in her leading role as Bishop's wife

in calculating matriarch Danita Jordan, the queen of gospel. When a pole dancer with an anointed voice signs a record deal with the need a sworn rival, expect unholy alliances, threats to the powers that be an extreme test of faith in the kingdom. Joining Yalanda Adams are Sereya as exotic dancer turn gospel sensation rebel, Michael Gye, White, and Michael Beach. From executive producers, Devon Franklin, Holly Carter, and Kirk Franklin comes Kingdom Business, new series streaming May 19th, exclusively on BET Plus.

Want to stream Black culture? Visit BET.plus to learn more. I appreciate that you are able to say, I don't always want to be the strong friend or the strong woman and to not be disappointed in yourself or not wanting to be that because I think that there have been times in the past. I think I'm learning to be more compassionate with myself where I have felt like I don't want to be the strong friend but I got to be the strong friend or am I letting them

down and am I now making them disappointed? But I've come to a place where I have accepted that I don't have a cape all the time and I need help. And for me, especially here, because I'm in Los Angeles and I don't have, I think in a normal scenario, sometimes you just take your kids over to your sister's house, you call your grandparents or whatever.

I don't have those things. And I'm finally coming to a place where I can say, like, listen, I can't do everything. I need help and to not feel like it makes me less than. So can I ask you a question right there? Yeah, let's go for it. I am currently in the same situation. Okay.

My kids grandparents and things are hour and a half away, not that far, but however on a day to day, they're sick, you know, how did you get to a place where you're okay with asking for help? Because I have not gotten there yet. Yeah. I feel like this is my responsibility. I gotta do it.

And I have friends here. My parents, you know, all their grandparents are stuff like, just let us know where you need help. And it's just like, hmm, I don't think I'm just gonna call you guys. So how did you get to a place where you like, okay, I need to sell somebody I need help? I was really stressed and overwhelmed. And I realized that I was trying to keep up with an idea of who I am at the risk of abandoning the truth of where I was.

And I felt myself like losing myself. I was joking with a friend, but I was like, low-key serious. I was like, I see why people pass out from exhaustion because you just keep going and going and going and like you think you're at the grocery store and all of a sudden you're on the floor because you didn't take the time to say I really need some help. And so I learned to open my mouth and to not allow the idea that someone would think I was irresponsible. That's the one thing about me and a single mom that like and I still even though I've been married to my incredible husband for almost eight years, I still have single mom tendencies and I still, even though I've been married to my incredible husband for almost

eight years, I still have single mom tendencies. And I think you want to prove that like, you got this. Like, I got this. I can raise these kids by myself if I need to. I don't need your child support. If you send it fine, if you don't, we'll figure it out. Like, you live on the defense, but you're not allowing yourself moments to be honest about like this is hard. You know what I mean?

I'm not going to quit. I'm not going to leave them at the fire station, but it's hard. And I need a weekend. And sometimes scheduling a babysitter when you don't have somewhere to go, just because I need a mental break. Like the kids don't have to be sick for you to need a weekend to figure out who you are again, or to go have fun with some friends again. And so I think for those single moms who are committed to proving their responsibility,

that you also have to prove that you are responsible with your soul and responsible with your health by allowing yourself to rest. Great. Where is it? That was awesome. That was awesome. I feel like you didn't land, though. It feels like... Yes, it did, because...

So, I take time for myself, but my time is different. I don't feel like I need to call you just because I wanna go somewhere, but they go on the weekends, but it's as somebody's request. I don't call my mom and say, hey, mom, I need you to keep the twins this weekend. Like, that's not me,

but when they do go, I do take time for myself, I do the things for myself. I guess my problem is, is when they do go, I do take time for myself. I do the things for myself. I guess my problem is, is when I'm at that moment, like you said, that stress that wits in, like I am, I struggle at that point of saying, I need help. Like, I need you. Let's break it down because what, why can't you do it? Like, because it crosses your mind, because it crosses all of our minds to be like, someone so say they would help me,

but I'm not gonna do that. Is it that? But I'm gonna, is it because I don't wanna bother them? I don't, I don't wanna bother them. I don't like being a burden. Oh, we getting good. This gonna be a part two like ass, because we gonna talk about this.

Okay, talk about it. I don't like being a burden. Like I feel like if this is my issue, I need to deal with my issue. And I think it goes back to like, sometimes like I said, I don't wanna be the strong friend. I don't wanna always have to take somebody else's baggage. So because I know that on my side,

I don't wanna always have to push my responsibilities on someone else. So I feel like I don't want to be a bird. I think that's where my income is. I don't want to be a burden. These are my responsibilities. I need to figure it out. I hope I can say this the way that I hear it at my head. But I think that when we continue to show up as a strong friend, even when we don't want to, that we struggle with asking for help from other people because we don't trust that their yes is their yes, because ours is not always ours, because we don't have integrity in how we use our energy, resources or time, we don't trust the integrity of another person.

So if someone says, if you need anything, just let me know. We are already like, I'm not going to ask you because when I say that, I don't mean it. Like, if you need something, call me last. Call me. Don't call me first. Call me last. But if we actually reserved those comments for times when we mean them and really want to show up, then we would trust when other people say it to us because it is their responsibility

to be honest about whether or not they can do it, whether or not they can stand by their word. And there will be times where they can't do it. And we hope that they say no in those times instead of giving us a yes that grieves them in the past. So I think having more integrity and how we support others will help us receive support from others, but I ain't nobody.

And I don't know if that made any sense, but I think it's something to it. That definitely made sense. It definitely made complete sense. Like sometimes, like I feel like sometimes that when they say, like you just said, let me know if you need anything. I will help you and I just feel like you're just having manners You're just being nice. I'm in Georgia. I'm in Georgia. You just having manners. You're being nice

Yeah, I don't know if you really mean it like I told a friend which is one of my best friends from college and she was like Marissa let me know you need help But I was like you have so much other stuff going on. She was like, no, let's court like our schedules. So I kept, and I was like, mm-hmm, nope, not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do that. I was like, I'm gonna be honest with you. The best way for you to help me is if you just ran

themally one day say, I wanna keep the twins. Yeah. Like to me, it's like, oh, she wants to see the children. But you asking me like, do you need a break? I would probably say no. Yeah. No. That's crazy.

That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah. You making me say stuff that I didn't even think about. I know, right? No, I'm over here. But I will tell you, I think part of what helped me with that is that I stopped saying what I didn't even think about it. I know, right now I'm over here, but I will tell you, I think part of what helped me with that

is that I stopped saying what I didn't mean. Oh, okay, so Nendra Glover to why I came to the Woman Evolve conference and I'm gonna jack this up. But she basically said that, you know, we overextend ourselves and then volunteer to be even more stressed by saying, let me know if you need anything. And to your point, so when I saw her at the conference,

of course, we have a lot going on at conference. I see her. I'm like, thank you for coming. We're so glad you're here. Can't wait to hear from you. If you need anything, let me know. And I was like, well, that was me being hospitable. That's what I'm supposed to say.

And she was like, or you could say, if you need anything, reach out to my assistant. If you need anything, just reach out to your contact so that you are mitigating people coming to you. So sometimes we don't even redirect people to the people who can actually help them. Because sometimes we need to tell people if you need anything, I wanna tell you about better help.

It's this space where you can go and you can talk about it. If you need anything, let me tell you about a discount that is happening so that you don't have to ask me for money, like no, we have to do this solution to if somebody needs something. I agree. I agree.

I'm a practice dad. It takes practice. The first step in practicing it is meaning it when you say it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I have gotten to a point now where I mean it more. Okay.

Because all my friends have, we have gotten on the same place of like, we tied. We want to take the cake to our entire room. Yeah. We're tired. All of us. Yeah. Because I feel like one thing that helps me though mentally when I go through things is I surround myself and I feel myself with people who get who feels me. So like I I'm around friends who speak

positive who don't want to constantly gossip and talk about negative things that make me sad or wants to give me the drama or the tea every day, because the more you feel yourself with that, that's what's coming out. Yeah. So I also feel myself with different books that are motivating different podcasts that like help me to remember and to think of all the good things, to think of all the positive things,

because that is either you're gonna sink or you're gonna swim. And I don't wanna sink based off of a song. Yeah. I don't need to surround myself with people who are constantly calling and giving me information that's not good for me. So I'm learning, I feel like as women,

we have to take control of our own mental state sometimes. Absolutely. Like it's easy to go through a breakup and cut on Camel Shell and Mirja Blah. For sure. But at some point you need to cut her off because- She's gonna have you out here. You're she gonna have you for the streets and now and now you're trying to be different. She gonna have you for the streets. She gonna have you calling somebody strength, she gonna have you call somebody in the next text message. They don't get you anywhere. Like, so I'm,

I have learned to do that. Like I feel myself, I surround myself with people who want to see me win. Yeah. Which is amazing in itself. So I feel like I trust my friends when they say, I can help you. I just learn into like, accept it. I think it's my problem is accepting the help. Yeah. And not allowing it to make you feel like it is an indictment on your parenting or your ability to be responsible.

Yeah. I think you guys remember you're human, you know, at the end of the damn human. Chad, I could talk to you all day. I have an advice question. This podcast would be two hours long if I let it, because you got the juice. Can I tell you something? Of course.

I call you cousin Sarah. Oh, you didn't tell me it was a family reunion. If you. I'm like, cousin Sarah. Like, I want to buy a cast isn't a cousin Sarah in the car. Well, hey cousin, we're vibing. I should have known this because we're related guys.

The we forgot. Okay. I've got an advice question for you cousin. Okay. I am 22 years old. I am got an advice question for you cousin. Okay. I am 22 years old. I am a very sensitive and emotional woman. I believe I have a huge heart and I expect others to treat me with the same respect.

With that being said, I constantly find myself in the same situation. I am always there for people, even if they have done the worst to me. This might even moment. Someone I love hurt me resulting in me hurting them back. But in this case, I forgave them and they won't forgive me. My question is, should I let this person go or should I continue to hold on and keep trying? So I guess I want to ask her, what would you be holding on to? Yeah. I think we have to, she needs to realize like you cannot expect somebody to do the things

that you do. You have to, she has to let go of, it sounds like she wants that person to mirror her. And we're all created differently. Like nobody's going to care the way I care. Nobody's going to do what I do. So you have to release the thought of trying to control what someone else is doing. You will never, you will never control the way someone else reacts. So I think she needs to release that thought,

that feeling first, because I feel like she, she's only holding on to so that person can forgive her because she forgives. Yeah. And I guess I also add to the fact of when you retaliate, what did you gain? Mm-hmm. Where do we gain from retaliation?

Yeah. It's an ongoing back and forth game and nobody wins. I think when you win is when you stop. You step back and say, I'm better than this. I forgiving you, you can't forgive me. I understand. I appreciate you. See you later.

Yeah. I totally agree because if you're because if you are seeking someone's forgiveness and they are in a place where they are unable to forgive you, then their unforgiveness is affecting your journey of healing. And you have to be willing to ask yourself, how does their unforgiveness affect my ability to heal and what barriers or boundaries do I need to have so that I can continue to heal while giving them space to, you know, sort out their unforgiveness. And I do think there's a difference between someone who hasn't forgiven you, but wants to forgive you, which means they have a goal in mind versus someone who has decided like, I just can't get over it because if someone says I just can't get over it, then you need to give them space

so that you can move around them. But if someone is in a situation where they say, you know what, I want to, I don't know how, but this is what I want to do for the sake of us being together, then I believe that there's space then to talk about, okay, well, this is how your unforgiveness shows up and hurts me. What can I do to help you?

There's more compromise available to you, but I would not just stay somewhere where someone's unforgiveness is affected my ability to heal. You gotta move on. That's my two cents. It's hard, it's hard, but it's okay. Just, it's gonna be harder to stay in that

and trying to win over there, forgive me. Yeah, control or manipulate them into forgiveness. Because that's what we do. Like, what can I do now to make you forgive me? But forgiveness is an inside job. Yep. It's a personal decision. Yeah. Mercy, you're everything.

And I love it. Thank you. Thank you for doing this with me. This was awesome. It's gonna help so many people and I feel like I need to like force you to send a message asking for help for something. Can you bring me some groceries? Can you bring me some milk? Can you come get the kids? I want you to practice. I want to hear testimony service about you asking someone for help. service about you asking someone for help. Okay, I got you. You promise? You promise.

I promise. I promise. Okay, because I was going to say, because we don't want it each other. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Take care of yourself. You too.

Bye. Bye. Marissa says, I want to thank you for emailing us. Your story, your energy, your heart is infectious. I feel blessed from having been in your life. If you guys want to join me in a family reunion next time and let me know how we are related, please reach out to us at podcastatwomanevolve.com.

All you have to do is send a one to two minute video about why you should be my next co-host. Even if co-hosting isn't your vibe, but you want us to get in your business, send your advice question to the same email. I'm looking forward to hearing from you soon. soon. you