Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Capacity for Judgment w/ Jay Barnett

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

The doors of the podcast are open & W.E. welcome you to leave your side-eyes at the altar. Here to destigmatize mental health and normalize therapy is author, speaker, & licensed therapist Jay Barnett. Liiisssten, this brotha’s story of emotional invalidation, holistic healing, and spiritual reconciliation is fiya! What W.E. not gone do is…suffer in silence at the fear of being judged. ‘Cause people who live in glass houses shouldn’t cast the first stone…or whatever Jesus said. Jay told SJR that W.E. be out here studying from the Book of Webbie when God created us to be in community & Sis, where’s the lie? Fellas can catch the homie on tour with JustHeal.co + Tap into his socials @KingJayBarnett! Delegation, when was your last checkup? For mental, medical, or dental care visit BetterHelp.com/Evolve + Zocdoc.com/WomanEvolve.

God can't bless you for tend to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a unique boundary. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your elevation. All I need is a God fighting for me that's all things, all things, all things. Child. I have been told that this is a safe space and I need to know if that's true. Is this a safe space?

Like if I told you how blessed plain potato chips are dipped in hot sauce, like are you side eyeing me or not? Like how safe are we here I know that example was small but like let's be honest about the times we say we're judgment free but we're actually judging ourselves and others as we compare the way we live our lives I'm excited for today's co-host this episode we have Jay Barnett a former former athlete, and now a best-selling author and licensed therapist. Joining from sports to speaker took a toll on his psyche that included self-judgment. If you have found yourself being judgmental with yourself and perhaps even judgmental with

others, this check-in with Jay is going to help you learn to pivot because he's going to share with us how he pivoted and learn to endure. Let's go. Hello. Hey, how you doing, Pastor Sir? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm doing well. I'm doing well. Thank you for taking the time to speak with us.

I know we're going to be so excited to hear about your story and journey. Yes, yes. I'm excited to speak with you and to share. So thank you for this great opportunity. Okay, so May is Mental Health Awareness Month and as you know, there's been such stigma about mental health in the black community and the faith community and I feel like a lot of that has to do with a judgment that we have towards owning our feelings, emotions, and issues, and whether or not it makes us weak, not vulnerable, not human, but there's this connotation that it makes us weak.

Jay, I am wondering what are some of your thoughts as it relates to the capacity for judgment that we have as it relates to the capacity for judgment that we have as it relates to mental health? Yeah, you know, I think that when you look at judgment, a lot of it's centered around shame. And many times there's such this shame and this fear of how we want to be viewed when someone sees certain parts of us that we are afraid to show them. And so when you look at individuals who deal with not just mental health issues because

I believe that there's a huge difference in a mental health disorder and a mental health issue. A disorder is what we deal with the schizophrenia, the bipolar, the personality disorders, and all those different things. They sometimes the issues mentally can be challenged or it can be a feeling of sadness that can lead to depression. It can be feelings of anxiousness because you are afraid to fail. It can be feelings that you have when you have these negative thoughts

because no one in your family encouraged you to pursue your dream. So you have this fear of failing. And I think what happens with us is that the judgment becomes so heavy because we're warning people to see the best of us. But the reality of it is that there's some parts of us that we don't want people to see. And I like to talk about these parts that you have to use gloves to pick up, because I don't really want them to know that I'm struggling with this. And I think to highlight not just a mental health,

but to highlight that there is a issue in society that we have overlooked. And I think that's why mental health has become the topic of discussion over the past couple of years because the pandemic made everybody sit down. Everybody had to look at themselves. You couldn't run. If you was married to somebody, you want to be married, you had to look at them. If you was at a job that you wasn't really sure about, you didn't like, you had to kind

of reevaluate. And so mental health is really centered around the three elements of life, your emotional, your mental, and your physical. And I think the more that we began to look at the humanity of who we are as beings, it's going to allow us to really give attention to understand that you have got to give attention to your mental health. Okay, Jay, I'm wondering, do you think that part of the reason why we struggle to be open and honest about our mental health, particularly in our community and family environments, is because we have been in the room or engaged in conversation about other people going through vulnerable moments and been a part of making

a judgment about, I can't believe that act in a fool or you know she went crazy or I can't believe that she's still sad about something that happened 10, 15, 20 years ago. And when we engage in judgment, do you think that it changes the way that we judge ourselves? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Because what happened is most of us have grown up in families that did not validate what we felt. And either they did not validate because they didn't understand it, or they didn't validate it,

because someone never validated their emotions and feelings. So what happened is you project only what you've experienced and you project what you have Really you know dealt with on the inside. So what happened is mom Never received support from her mother. So in turn she now projects her fear her insecurity her anxiety Her failed relationships and so now her perspective becomes her daughter's perspective because I am now giving what I have. And so when we have not received love, when we have not received acceptance, when we have not received

validation, we now begin to invalidate our own feelings, so which creates a lot of self-patriote, because if there's a difficulty in acknowledging what you feel when you grew up in a household when they didn't acknowledge anything. Mm-hmm. Okay, so that makes me wonder, because you used an example about what a mother passes on to a daughter, and I find that a lot of times in these mental

health conversations, I think because women have an inclination to be more conversational and more vulnerable, that we understand the connection between the traumas and the generational traumas. What do you think men who have not been affirmed, men who have not wrapped their minds around emotional vocabulary or their own trauma, what are they secretly passing down that we haven't yet tapped into as a society? Their passing on the same thing, it looks different because a man who was not validated by his father or by his mother is now seeking validation and acceptance from the world. And what happened is that when you are not validated and when you have not

been seen, you show up to the world with an answer with a question. So you're looking, you're looking to the world, am I enough? Do you see me? And so for the man what it looks like is, well, let me go and get the car. This is why you see particularly in black communities where young men are attracted to hustling, right? So it's like, well, if I hustle and I get this money, then now I'm going to look at me as if I'm the man. If I'm the man, I have respect. If I have respect, I can now get the woman.

But what happened is that when that man does not have respect for himself, he now passes down that invalidation to another man because at that point, is nothing for me to pick up a gun and take another brother out because I don't, I don't, I don't see myself as being valuable. So I don't value anyone else's life. And so we see this often passed down in men in very destructive behavior, promiscuous behavior, a very volatile abusive behavior, addictive behavior. So you see it in so many different facets of life where brothers have not been embraced, it's hard for them to be open, it's hard for them to really tap into their emotions. And I like to, you know, say, and let me see. And because, you know, I'm sure people would say, well, you hear guys say, well, women are emotional, but I would say men are just as emotional.

I agree. It just comes out in different facets. Yeah. I tell brothers often, you are a lion and a lamb, which means that as much as you have masculine energy, you have feminine. So there's duality in who we are and our personality, that there's a part of me that wants to roar, but there's also this part of me that has a sensitive nature and a sensitive side that you can cry and you can allow something to pull on

your heartstrings where you feel tub whether it's in the spirit realm or you feel pulled by the emotions where hey you you know the relationship you, that, that came to end and hurt it. Like you hear guys, we like, oh, bro, you know, move on to the next most destructive, toxic, unhealthy behavior ever. Because we, you know, I grew up, you know, around a bunch of guys, uncles, and you heard the only way to get over one woman is to get to another one. And what this did was it taught men how not to acknowledge their emotions, but now you're catering to the physicality of it and you're not healing anything. So you perpetuate an acycle of destructive and very volatile behavior. Okay, you didn't say about 50 lamb things that I need to address, about 50 limb of them.

And I don't even know if I'm be able to address them all, but I'm a trial. Okay, I need a note pad. Yeah. Okay, first of all, you said when you were not validated and affirmed that you show up in the world as a question, that stood out in my mind because I believe that part of the reason, the reason why God created us is to show up as an answer. The God said, there's going to be brokenness in the world. There's going to be evil in the world. And so I am crafting you to be a solution to what ails the world.

And so when we are not validated in our family circles and we show up in the world as a question. Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes? We are robbing the world of the essence of why God created us is to be a solution. But the beautiful thing about relationship with God is that God can answer the question that your parents projected on you, that your community projected on you. And so surrender to God is saying, I'm laying down my question to receive your answer. So that was one of the limb, 50 limb. And the second thing that you said about men going into the world seeking validation made me think about relationships because at one of the evolve I'm constantly hearing from women who are like, you know, there is a successful man and he doesn't understand that I want to be his writer, die.

Like I want to stick by his side. I don't care if he's climbing the corporate ladder or he's just getting up off of his feet. And yet, there seems to be a sense from these women that the men feel like they have to arrive or be successful or behold, before they can invite someone into their journey, not realizing that a lot of women are willing to deal

with who they are in hopes that they will continue to grow. Not just dating someone for their potential, but I see where you're headed and I can get on this train with you. You're not stagnant, you're moving towards growth and development, so I'm not talking about somebody who's just out here doing whatever, but someone who's making an effort.

Why is it that you think that it's difficult for men to trust a woman with their vulnerability? Well, number one, I'll start here. In our culture, I believe women, the girls at one time were raised and the boys were loved. So there was so much independence that we never understood interdependence. So no one knows how to work together.

So everybody has their own pursuits. So the woman has hurt girl, go get your degree. Don't depend on no man, go get it yourself. The guy has her. If you ain't got it, she doesn't want you. So everybody has a very singular mindset. And so when they show up in relationships, they show up not understanding how do I even coexist with someone else to even build something

to have an understanding that we both can share how we feel, what we think, and share our goals. And it's not this individual driven mindset. So it's hard for them to even fathom that. So you have these brothers who feel that, well, I can only get there by myself because I'm self-made, which is there's no such thing as being self-made. Because there's nothing that we're going to get in this life that's not going to come through the hands of somebody else or through the mouth of somebody else.

And that's what I believe because I feel like to really achieve anything that has to be an ecosystem where you have a connective energy and influence and relationships that this led to that. Right? And so, we don't really understand how to work together in community. So we don't see it in our families. So it's hard to reenact it in relationship. So when that woman comes alone and says,

hey, I'm willing to walk with you, it's foreign to him. Because he feels like, well, I gotta get here by myself. Wow. And if I don't get here by myself, will you respect me the same if you help me get it? Because now there's this fear that if you help me get it,

I now have to be concerned. Well, will this come up in another topic that you didn't get here by yourself? So I had to help you. So this man now feels like his masculinity and his manhood is going to be questioned. So he has his one track mind that, no, I got to get it myself. That way I can say, I earned it. I got it out the mud, the whole mantra, you know, that whole understanding. But then on the other side of the spectrum, right, you have the woman who was driven and she's successful and she gets there.

But then it's like, well, how do I connect and build with somebody that may not be why I'm an educational intellectually. And that's why the mental health conversation is so important and so vital to where we are in our community because it's really just understanding how we function as human beings but more importantly how we function as people and especially in our culture because it's been so divided so when I see my sister who's doing well,

and if I haven't arrived, where I want in life, as a man, I feel some type of way. And I feel less than because, well, do she even really need me? And not understanding that she's not looking for you to come in and financially take care of her. Of course, she wants financial stability, but there's a part of her. Of course, you know, she wants financial stability, but there's a part of her that's looking for you

to connect with her emotionally. And that's a misconception that a lot of men have. Well, she got money, well, what does she need with me? Yeah. And then the other misconception is that the man feel once I get money, then I have all I need. No, God places here for connection and community. He places here to build outside of ourselves and understand that there's a greater objective and a greater mission.

That's why relationships are so powerful. That's why purposeful relationships blossom. And that's why relationship that not built on purpose are disasters. So it's so it's imperative that we have an understanding of who we are as an individual. And that's what I love about therapy from my experience is that once I got into therapy, I began to understand more about myself and not these labels and these socializations that you're supposed to do this as a man. Men go to work. Men don't cook. And so you begin to do away with the gender roles and do away with all of these labels

that society places on you because there's different constructs that are in the way to say, well, my wife has to come home and cook every day. Well, that's not reality. And so when you get to a place where you have an understanding and you're able to deconstruct certain ideologies, you now understand, no, we build an ecosystem where we work together.

One day she cooks, one day I'm cooking, one day I'm cleaning, and you have this harmony in their relationship. And until brothers begin to work on themselves, that's reason why I'm on tour right now, with Jess here, bro tour, amazing tour, national tour, to help brothers to identify, not with what's wrong with her, or what could you make better within yourself?

That is so good. I mean, that's exactly what we're talking about this week is how much capacity we have within ourselves to be judged. Everyone once talks about don't judge me, don't judge me, but if we're honest, we make judgments within ourselves, we're judging people's actions, we're judging people's motives. And to recognize it just because I've made a judgment doesn't make it true. Just because I have a perspective, it doesn't make it true. And I think true humility and true self-works help you to become, helps you to become more compassionate

and empathetic to the number of reasons why a person acts the way they act, why they're not in a relationship, why they are in a relationship. But that requires to your point a lot of self-work. So Jay, did you like just, you woke up this woke like you came out the womb just wide awake or like, like when did you decide, like I'm asleep in this time for me to wake up? So a little backstory myself, I'm a son of a pastor. My dad's been pastorin 30 years. My parents divorced when I was

12 and you know a lot of stuff went down in church and my mom moved us to Texas. But during that time I battled with depression and football became everything. You know I was working as a youth minister in my dad's church, so I knew early on that God had His hands on me. And fast forward, I go to college and I play football and I get opportunity in the NFL. But the one thing that I did was I lived in my thoughts and I was a boy that was not seen because I grew up around a lot of girls. And so I learned how to be silent,

but my silence drove me to dark places. So I didn't really understand, because when my parents divorced, and I had seven uncles, nobody asked me how I felt. No uncle took me under his wing. So I was left to kind of just find my way. And that depression led me into dark places.

So I'm a two-time suicide survivor. And my second attempt was 10 years ago. And so, and I love to share this because one of the things was that when football failed, football was how I cope I Wasn't gonna smoke weed. I wasn't going to drink But when I put that helmet on it was my safe place I felt like I can get away from the abuse because my mom remarried another preacher go figure and And it wasn't a great experience You know, and so he was very physically abused.

So I had all of this rejection. I had all of this abandonment and it led me to be a very violent person on the football field because it's warranted in that space. But all the field, I was lost. And it wasn't until after my second attempt that I had this visitation from God and he said to me, I never forget this, he said to me that I have a purpose in all of this. And anyone who struggled with suicide, ideation and suicidal thoughts and I said this on my social media and another interview is that most people are trying, they're not trying

to kill themselves, they're trying to kill the pain. Yeah. And I was trying to kill the pain of the memories because I could not get out of the pictures. Because see, it's not so much the traumatic event is what the traumatic event does to your brain. It's the impressions that it leaves on your soul. And I felt like, God, how can we be this first family

in church and all that has happened? Like, this is not because I'm trying to figure out how do I make sense of this? And when football ends, I didn't have a coping mechanism. So I didn't know what to do. Because most men, we identify ourselves by what we do. And when you can't do what it is you love to do, you feel like, hey, why am I here?

And what I realized is what God revealed to me, it wasn't that I had to die or something in me had to die. And that was the belief systems that I had attached to the narratives because I didn't want to let it go That daddy abandoned his boy because he was an awesome man of God, but he was not the best father Yeah

And that Rub me because I'm like I'm looking for this longing and this affection like dad Do you see me so when coach would, that a boy, that validated me, and when I didn't have that validation, I was sure to the world, am I enough? I date this pretty girl, am I enough? And it wasn't until I entered into therapy, and it wasn't until God revealed to me

to go back to grad school, because I was working with teenage girls in foster care in Houston. And I created this program, the emotional recovery program where I would go in and work with girls that were victim of sex trafficking. They've been raped molested the whole night. And I wrote a book, Lettersville Young Queen for young girls.

And they was just like, how in the world you do put all this stuff because what I was doing was I created something that my sisters needed. And it was the validation of my father. So I created this program for this girl because I understood if they can get some clarity on who they can become beyond the events and the trauma they experienced, it would change the trajectory of their life. And that's why I came and I said, wow, this is something like therapy. And that's when I went back to school.

So my journey has been that of a journey to even come after football and to talk about the two suicide attempts and to talk about depression because one thing about the locker room is that you can have emotions in the locker room, but you just can't express them. Now, if your emotions are connected to the game, that's okay. But when your emotions is connected to, hey, I'm going through a break up, or my dad didn't show up to the game, it's different.

And you see the guys in the locker room, nobody knows how to address it. But then when I started opening up and talking about these different things, guys like Bro, I thought I was the only one. And me too. And what really helped me is that therapy and really discovering, you know, the generational things that were attaching me, it helped me to understand even more about

God because how we, because we see God through the lens of our trauma, whether we know it or not. Because if dad was not consistent and you felt abandoned by dad, it's hard for you to understand God's love for you. So when I began to heal my father wound, it changed my relationship with God. Because now I had an understanding that it wasn't necessarily that dad was doing this to me, but dad had a system that shaped him so he can do nothing different.

And Therapy allowed me to understand that I can change the patterns by changing how I see myself from a healed lens and from a lens that says that, you know what? Yes this happened, but it doesn't have to impact how you decide to move forward because healing is a choice. What did Jesus say to the man in the world? Will I be made whole? So you got to choose your healing and I decided to choose healing and that's what led me to this place.

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Give it a try and see if online therapy can help lower your stress. WomanyBov with Sarah Jake's Roberts listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash evolve. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash evolve. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash evolve. It's crazy. One of the things that you said about your father was that he was an awesome man of fire, but he wasn't the best father. And I think a lot of PKs can relate to that. The idolizing of their father because of what they do on Sunday, but the reconciling of what happens Monday through Saturday.

It's too sad. Yeah, man. How do you not lose your relationship with God when you see an up close front in center of you of the hypocrisy of faith or the hypocrisy of church. And I ask this because there are a lot of people who follow my ministry, they follow the podcast and they're like, I don't do church, I barely do Jesus because I have all of these wounds

from the people who disappointed me in the past. And yet you have been open about your scars but also how you still discovered God and the midst of it all, was there just like this click for you that helped you to separate them or what do you say to yourself to overcome what you saw versus who God is? What I did was,

because I did walk away from God, I did see what I don't to have anything to do with God. And I did feel that, you know, church people are full of, you know, belonging, like we all have that. But then I have this realization that church people just people, like everyday people. And I think sometimes we place the church here when really we should look at it and be in this place where we are all on a journey. And I think when you're able to separate and conceptualize that, we are all on a journey. And therapy, you know, this is the thing I love about therapy that's so dope is I can do a genogram in a session and I can gain all the knowledge I need about your present behavior by learning about where you come from because the genogram tells me about your grandfather and your grandmother on both sides and you can

connect the dots to behavior, you can connect the dots to trauma, you can connect the dots to abuse, promiscuous behavior, rape. I mean, you can find all of that. And what I realized is that my father had been rejected by my grandfather. And it was hard for him to really accept who I was because there was a part in him that saw himself in me and it makes it difficult for you to reconcile with what you didn't have because you're psyched you know that there's this entitlement right and it's not a bad thing because you like, well, I didn't get that. Why should I give it? But the more that we're able to reconcile and allow that space for new information,

the loudest space for healing that truly takes place, it becomes more than than then because we always talk about, you know, the forgiveness part, but it creates a space for understanding, meaning, wow, had this happened to me when I was 15, I can see how this impacted my mother. Yeah. And why she couldn't love me the way

that I needed to be loved, because no one never loved her. And if she was treated different, I grew up in a style where, I have a sister who's light skinned, and I have a sister who's brown skinned, and they both were treated different. And you can see the different dynamics

on how they saw each other, even from a physical view, and you have an understanding, oh, okay, that makes sense. Because a lot of times we're just trying to make sense out of what's happening. And what I was able to do is to separate that people and people and God is God. So I removed God from why did you to, okay, this is what you're doing. And the more I do this work and I speak and I have this understanding and this clarity and insight, I haven't understanding like God, it's not necessarily what you were doing

to me is what you want to do through me. Because you know, when things are happening to you and when injustice is occur, you know, I'm saying you want to do through me because you know when things are happening to you when injustices occur, you know, I'm saying you want answers. And therapy and healing allows you to have resolve with the answers you get because you now can have resolve that I may never get an apology from him or her. And that's okay. As long as I have resolved within myself, and that's what I was able to do,

and it created my bond stronger to God, because I asked God, I said, well, I couldn't imagine being David, where the very man that you admired became the man who wanted to kill you. Yeah. So not only was David dealing with rejection from Jesse, but he's now dealing with the intimidation and dealing

with the envy of his mentor. And guess what? He just provided therapy to the man. For the first time in the Bible, we see music there, right? Because they, you know, because he's playing a heart because he's trying to come down because he has anxiety and he's depressing and he knows that God has removed his hand from him. So he's like, you know, he's he's he's anxious. And so all of that for me to understand that, okay, God, when I heal, he allowed me to say, I still honor you because David still honored Saul. And I still honored my father after all the hurt and the pain and honoring him, brought even more healing to me because I was able to let go because he was in a process and he didn't have

the opportunity to go through his process. So his projections eventually came air is on my life that I had to do introspection in. So it's layered but I'm glad that I've done the work over the past 10 years because I see so many people in the space that can speak from a clinical perspective, but I love to speak from a experience and a biblical because I believe counseling therapy is a gift of the spirit. Because there are moments that the spirit will reveal something that my clinical knowledge can't conceive. And I can find the root to certain things that people are dealing with.

And that's I think, you know, it's so important that you're having this because people are showing up in church every day, you know, running down to the altar. And it's okay, it's funny. I tell the story off that my mom had a friend when we was in kids. And this lady was at church there every, I mean, she was at the altar every Sunday. And I said, mom, why is this lady at the altar, man?

Like, you know, I'm like eight years, eight, nine years old. And she said, I don't know this. And so later on, my mom said, I heard her talking over the phone that, you know, so Samadhi was like sleeping around and stuff like that. And so she was trying to get this sex demon off of her or what the, so as I grew up, coming to find out, Ms. Maddie was molested.

So it wasn't so much that she was trying to get rid of this sex demon. Yeah. She was trying to deal with the trauma that perpetuated the promiscuous behavior. And that's when I knew that I was on to something with connecting spirituality, theology, whatever people want to call it, faith, and mental health because God is all of it.

Yeah. Because God is an anthropologist, right? You know, He created language. He created how we live, right? He created how we function. And then He brings Jesus to psychotrists, right? Because He's like, you know, the whole has no need of the physician. But I come for the broken.

And I'm just like, boom, there it is. And that's why God, mental health, all that stuff, it has to be connected. And that's what I enjoy about it now to see from these different lands. To help people to understand that you're not the abuse. You're not the molestation, you're not the abandonment, though it happened, but you're not that. That's so good. I'm so glad we're having this conversation because that is an area where we don't often get it right in faith spaces. We are so busy judging people for the action that we never consider how that action became embedded

and a part of their psyche in the first place. That's part of what I try to do with my messages. It's like, I wanna talk about your sin, but I wanna talk about how the sin got in there. I wanna talk about the thoughts that continue to produce the sin. Because if I just attack you on the sin, but we don't deal with the pain that is producing the sin

And you just gonna find something else to do. So let's really see ultimate home And so I love that and I know it's gonna help a lot of people Since I'm sure you finalize your spring break plans whether you're taking the kids on a break or taking a break from the kids or taking a break from yourself, the Zock-Dock app is something you must have on your mobile device before anyone leaves home. Zock-Dock is a free app that shows you doctors who are patient-reviewed, take your insurance, and are available when you need them. Of course, I don't want anyone to get hurt, but if it happens, I know we'll be prepared. Zathok gives me a piece of mind when we travel

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Okay, I have an advice question for us to answer. Okay, all right. I am in my mid-twenties single and without any kids. In this current season, I am becoming more serious about pursuing God, purpose, and being well-balanced and aligned in body, mind, soul, and spirit, engaging in therapy, exercise, and self-development, information, thoughts of marriage

and having a family do come to mind. But first of all, I have a tendency to get involved in past romantic relationships. Then, FOMO kicks in and I escape the relationship because I think I can be just settling for myself while God has something greater. Secondly, the idea of having children is amazing, but I want to make sure that I am truly at a selfless state to give them the best version of myself without regret of thinking. I should have waited because that would be unfair to my future children. So what's your advice for me in these areas? Marant, family, FOMO, and attaining selflessness that can help me to work out the kinks beforehand rather than later.

Oh, that's a thesis, Pastor Sarah. You got it, Jay, you got it. So number one, I would say, you know, when you're in your 20s, right? You know, we all, is I feel like the 20 is a phase, you know, of really discovery. Yeah. discovery. And I think the 20s are a time where you're trying to grasp on where you want to go, who you want to become, how you want to get there, how long is going to take you, whether you in college or school or you're pursuing something. But what I was shared to this young lady is number one, hey, she herself. See, the fear of missing out is always because we fear we're running out of time.

Yeah. You're not running out of time. Slow down. If I can go back to my 20s, I would say to myself, slow down. I would say slow down. And God has even dealt with me on this year, you know, pace, pace. And he said that I have given you grace for your pace. And then we can understand that there's a level of grace that is attached to each of us would tap into it. And I think that if she can tap into that grace

that every area of your life will give you what you're giving to yourself during this time. And so, you know, we, and I hear that so much from so many young people, they feel like they gotta get there today. They feel like I gotta make the money tomorrow. I got to have the kids next year. I got to be married. And we're seeing a lot of mistakes being made because decisions are made and choices are made out of the lack of wisdom. Little to no information.

They don't have the right information. And so I would encourage this lady, just take your time. Get to no information. They don't have the right information. And so I would encourage this lady, just take your time, get to know you, discover parts of you that will come up in the relationship, in the marriage, even after the kids. Because the kids are not the family. It's the husband and wife. But these kids gonna grow up baby, and they're gonna do their own thing. And so it's important that you have an understanding of who you are before you enter into that space because most couples that I see in therapy, most marital issues are single people's problems. It's a problem that came from a single phase or single state that was not addressed, but it now becomes a marital issue because I now brought in my own ideas, my own objective, and my own issues that I did not address. I'm now projecting and I'm

now sharing it. So now if you have a different view, I feel some type of way because it doesn't line up with mine. And entering to the space because it's like, well, I'm behind, I gotta have these kids. It really puts you in a place where you're gonna always feel like you're behind. And now you're bringing someone else into this, this you know, or into this equation. And it creates confusion.

It creates, um, you know, uh, the lack of synergy. And so I was just telling her, just take your time, get to know you. That's the best thing a single person can do. And your purpose, you would discover your purpose as you continue to discover yourself. Yeah. People like always, I'm looking for purpose and I'm like, have you found you yet? Yeah. Because what you want to do with purpose and you and I you. Exactly. Exactly. Because finding purpose is like people who want to be on platforms, I'm like, the platform is not the purpose. Now oftentimes your purpose may lead you to certain platform, but if you don't discover you

and you think the platform is where your purpose should be, it can often reveal the deficits. Yeah. And the things that you have not dealt with in private. And so I would tell her, focus on you, man, focus on you and let everything else come to you I feel like this is a season where if you're still Mother Teresa says something so powerful

God is a friend to silence still stillness uh and and and sereneness You know and and he's a friend to the silent space, a friend to solitude, that's it. Silent stillness and solitude. And in those spaces, you can really learn who you are, that when you're not confusing people,

when you get involved with them. And somebody back to go be by themselves right now, they didn't turn the podcast off to go be by themselves. I do with everything you said. Like, girl, like if you make it out of your 20s with your whole mind, like that will be a miracle. Cause the 20s are out to kill, steal, and destroy. Your whole mind, your future, your livelihood.

Don't trust your 20s. Focus on you. Keep your whole mind, your wisdom, your soul, and try to make it to 29 as a whole person and everything else Will be fine if you survive your 20s you gonna be alright, but them 20s They ugly for a season And it sounds like you on the right track and the right pants are like whole strong you worried about kids You don't have yet worried about a man who in any year world yet girl

Where about you and making these 20s do what they need to do and see what God does to bless you. All right. I didn't go to school for that. Okay, Jay went to school. I got what I got you to tell you, amen. Jay, this has been amazing. Hey, man. Yes, thank you, thank you.

Thank you so much. I know you're going to bless so many people with this. If people want to find you, they want to get connected. What's the best way for them to find you? Yes, you can connect with me via Twitter and Instagram, King J. Barnett. And then also if you had no any men that are in your life, brother, son, father, uncles, nephews, we are on a national tour now. Jess Hill, bro, we're actually in Virginia, Dallas on May 12th Houston on May 5th. So tap in the website to that is

Jess heel.co. Jess heel.co and this is a therapeutic space that I'm creating for men and that is attached to my book Jess Heel Broke, which is a journal for me and We're seeing such a Heal Broke, which is a journal for man. And we're seeing such a move and shift and brothers opening up, crying and saying that they're wanting to become better. We haven't seen anything like this

where man are able to come in and be open and to just really express themselves and feel heard. Because that's what we hear a lot of men say they don't feel heard and don't feel seen and that's what I'm open to continue to bring to the the the tour and the cities around. So yeah they can connect with us there. Okay I just have to tell you before we go thank you for the work that you're doing a lot of times we see personal growth and mental health development targeted towards women telling women what they need to do better, how they can grow, how they can change,

and no one's having a conversation with the male counterparts that we're gonna do life with, not even romantic life, but who we're gonna be friends with and engaged with in our work environments. And so thank you for creating this space. I wish you all of the best. And anything that we can do to help

many evolve, one, many evolve is completely behind it. So thank you. Yes, yes, no. And thank you as well for the work that you're doing with woman evolve. I mean, it's just, it's impacting so many young women. I get a lot of clients that says, I was at woman evolve and it's been great to,

to, to, to, you know, encourage them to do that deeper healing because I truly believe how you heal the terms, how you live, it determines how you love and how you function. So thank you for the work that you're doing as well. So many blessings to woman evolve. And thank you for the opportunity.

This was great. My pleasure, you take care. Jay, I wanna thank you so much for sharing your experiences and wisdom with us. I'm sure it's going to bless so many people. Delegation, if you or a friend want to be my next co-host or you have an advice question for me to answer, let me know. Send a one to two minute video about why you should be my next co-host to podcast at woman evolve.com and use the same email address to submit an advice question. Don't leave me hanging

now. Alright, hit me up. I'll see you next week. you