Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Delicacy of Sisterhood w/ Lori Roberts

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

Sis, ain’t no hood like the one W.E. got! All month long, the Delegation is invited to embrace sisterhood in a REVOLUTIONARY way. Ever wondered what happens when women set aside their differences for the greater good? Chile, a bona fide miracle! Read up on the homies Rachel & Leah. Then check out this week’s episode as SJR & Lori Roberts spill the tea on their relationship dynamic. Yep, W.E. went there! Both offer unique perspectives on the delicacy it took to blend a family, find common ground, and honor one another's journey. ISSA piping hot convo you don't wanna miss! Sponsors alert—Waistline...WHERE? Stressed...WHO? Freeennn, pull up on Noom.com/Evolve + BetterHelp.com/Evolve for customized healthcare plans to meet your dietary & mental health needs. Tell ‘em W.E. sent you!

God can't bless you for ten to be or who you compare yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, it's a tea you need boundaries. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your validation. All I need is a God party for me that's there for all things. All things, all things.

Child. Oh, now I know I didn't tell you how to mind your business. And yet you continue to show up in my business over and over again. I don't know if you were minding my business or I am putting my business out there, but some kind of way it keeps on happening. One thing you got know about Woman Evolve is that we are heavy on sisterhood. So it's technically not a violation

when you mind my business, because you're my sister and I want you to learn the things that I'm learning and to be exposed to how I've grown and changed over time. Whether it's newly formed friends from conference or tour or even in our book club, we literally don't play when it comes to sisterhood. And because I am the fearless, fearful, sometimes depending on what day it is leader of this movement,

I wanted to demonstrate revolutionary sisterhood in my own life. Today, I am going to introduce you to the biological mother of my bonus children. Her name is Lori Roberts. And she is a woman of many gifts and talents. She's incredibly kind and sweet. And over time, we have learned to really not just do life with each other, but to love one another, to like one another, and to honor one another.

I know that this is not every bonus family's testimony. Maybe you're in a situation and you're like, man, I wish that I could have a better rapport with the biological mother of my bonus children. Or maybe I am the child of a blended family and have experienced trauma as a result of the blend. Or maybe your story is like hours and you found a way to harmony. I hope that this echoes in your heart and allows you to remember that it is possible to blend a family without losing yourself, without losing respect. And while maintaining a safe environment for your children. So let's dive into this incredible episode with my baby mama,

Lori Roberts. It's time. it's happening. It's, this is happening. This is happening. It's happening. So we have had conversations via text message about the dynamic of our relationship and sisterhood, but I don't think we've ever spoken like voice to voice, face to face about this transition.

I feel like part of what makes blending a family so challenging is that there is a grief connected to the fact that you are having to include someone into your life who was never a part of the dream, right? So when we plan our lives out and we have this happily ever after in our mind, and then we go through life, we experience a divorce or a breakup or whatever.

In order to dream again, you have to consider that this next dream may have someone else in my circle and in my family that is not necessarily someone that I get to choose, but is someone that I have to do life with. And I feel like we have found a way to do life with each other, but it wasn't intentional. Okay, so I want wanna talk about it. I don't wanna talk about it. Cause you know, like for those of you who are listening

or watching, if you all see this, there's a strong possibility that the only people listening or watching are the people who are right here. Cause we don't know who we're gonna air this. But just in case we make it, like I can say for myself, but I want you to speak and just give me your thoughts and feelings about us and this conversation.

But I did not go into it thinking, like I'm gonna be a sister wife, like I am going to just love whoever my husband's ex-wife is or ex-partners, like I am just gonna love them and we're gonna figure it out. I did not go into this blended harmony rainbow family situation in my head. It has turned out to be a beautiful journey, but I can't say that I went into it thinking that I'm going to try and boss up and be the bigger person.

What is your experience been? Yeah, now that wasn't mine either. I think over time, you know, cause initially on my end of the spectrum, I'm going into a herding because I have to adjust to my children having another woman in their lives and me being like out of out of that dream, you know, now. And so I didn't really think about it that far where it's like, oh, I'm going to, you know,

just start loving on this person and just be, you know, arms wide open and accepting. Like, I didn't go into it like that. I think I've had like that tunnel vision for a while where into it like that. I think I've had like that tunnel vision for a while where I was just in that place of hurt, but I think as time progressed, I didn't want to feel that hurt anymore. I didn't want to carry any negative thoughts or feelings or ideals or anything. I didn't want my children to experience ideals or anything. I didn't want my children to experience any of that coming from me, you know? And so I think that's kind of over as time passed. I was like, let me give it together. Let me just, you know, open up and kind of let's see how this will happen, you know? That's so funny. You said like you being out of that dream because I didn't I didn't feel that there was like a new dream taking place like I felt like an intruder like

I felt like I had especially for like the kids and I think for yourself as well because I'm a woman and I get it you know like I felt like I have and I think for yourself as well, because I'm a woman and I get it. You know, I felt like I have, and I think also, okay, so this is further back story. Like I'm from Texas, I moved to Los Angeles. I have like a couple of friends here, but it's not like the community that I'm used to having. And then I've inserted into a community that is still grieving your absence, your presence.

Like not just the kids, the church too, you know? And she's so sweet and she's so kind and like, I'm like, Lord Jesus, was she passing y'all candy out? Like what was she doing? Like, and they were mad that I was there and I felt like this, it's almost like feeling like you took someone's space but didn't measure it.

And so I never felt like here I am living out a dream, I'm like almost feeling like an imposter. Like I'm the one that no one wants around. Every Sunday, the kids are coming over. Like we had, you know, it's not like we just connected in this family since immediately. I think we loved and liked one another, but now when it's time to like live together,

like did you do your homework and here I'm making dinner and it's like my mom doesn't make it this way and we don't eat that. And so it's like you're not, you're not giving Lori. You're not giving Lori. Oh my gosh. You know what, and it's so funny to hear the other side. You know what I mean?

Because you so often are just thinking about what you're experiencing and not. Because hearing you speak your other side here, and my other side of that is thinking, oh, this person's coming in and taking your place. And, you know, and you know, for me, it's like, yeah, I, you're, you're Sarah and Jake's, you know what I mean? So I was like, there was another level,

you know what I mean, of a person coming in, you know what I mean? And, not saying that like to diminish who I am or anything, but you know what I mean? No, I that to diminish who I am or anything. But you know what I mean? No, I get it. It's a name. It's a name, I miss you. You know? So for me, it was like this person is stepping in

and could be perceived as, oh, it was a level up. You know what I mean? And so for me, it was like, then it made me feel like, you're over here, you're over I mean? And so for me it was like, then it made me feel like you're over here, you're over here feeling like, oh, everybody is hating on you because you're, you know, coming into this place and I'm thinking, oh, this person with this name has come in and it's like, you know, buy a story, you know what I mean? That's how I was feeling. Yeah. And it's crazy how both sides of the coin are feeling something completely different. But it's added, you know, either way.

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in hours. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash evolve. That's betterhelp.com slash evolve. I think that like I cannot over, over emphasize how irreplaceable you are. Like you are simply irreplaceable. And I'm telling you based on someone who has adjusted into a world and a space where your presence was very much so necessary and important, like you just, you're irreplaceable. And I think that one of my greatest, maybe, battles and coming into the city and coming into the church and coming into the children's lives Was just feeling like there's like I just am not going to find a place to fit and I think a part of It was like I want to break that down a little bit because I don't want to just move past it because I feel like there are people who

experienced blending a family and like that idea of like, I am not going to fit and this is not going to work. And like, who am I now and does my identity matter? Like, I don't know. It's just hard to, it's hard to maintain the love that you have for yourself when you know that you are not being loved in the space that you're in because you don't measure up. I think that what I had to learn was that I was not trying to imitate or mirror who you are. Like I had to trust that like what I carry, you know, it may be different, it may not be.

I can't sing. I'm never gonna lead the worship team. Like, listen, I am gonna be up there tearing up my phone like you do. You know, like I'm sweet, you know, but I'm also quiet and I can come off as like reserved and not very outgoing, but like this is who I am, and trusting that I would find space and connection based off of my authenticity without hating the fact that I wasn't you.

And I think that like when you're blending a family and you're having this dynamic with the other woman, another woman, you know that you have to really trust who you are and honor that other woman. That's the part that's rough is honoring the other woman. Cause it's almost like, I don't wanna be trading myself by saying that I see why the everybody like her, you know? What? What? You know, whatever. yeah, sure, she's nice.

Like cool, okay, you do feel like warped when she's around. But like whatever, I don't like this. You know what, but that's so true. And it took me some time to really embrace our differences and in ministry and womanhood, whatever, but to embrace and then love it. Like I love coming to your conferences and tour dates and things like that.

I love coming to the house and just doing family stuff. I love planning, rinse, wedding, when having some experience and just doing family stuff. I love planning, Ren's wedding when having some experience and some of those celebrations. Do you know what I mean? So it happens over time. As you just, I think you have to have an openness and a willingness to just want

to celebrate that person and be happy for them. And you know, it took a minute for me to, um, no, we're just having a candid conversation. Here we are. To be there for me to be, to be to pray, blessing over you guys over the ministry. You know what I'm saying? That's the thing. That's real girl. I would have never.

I could never pray a blessing over your mainstream child. Not because, yeah. Only because, you know, you're hurt. It's weird, it's, you know, unexpected. It's, you know, it's just, it's different. And so, you know, it just kind of takes like a willingness and an openness to just say, you know what God, this is what it is. She is who she is and she's actually lovely.

Like, you know, yes, you are nice. You are kind of quiet. You cook the roof off of, I don't know if that makes sense, but you know what I mean? I mean, but you, you know, and you've always been like, I remember one time one of my friends was like, so how is she, you know, I was like, you know what? I can't even not like her. Like I can't.

What's that? I know I'm supposed to. You know what I do kind of like her. But she's actually like a good person. So you know what I mean? It's like, when you're open and willing to just accept that person and accept the situation, I think that a beautiful thing can come out of it and it has. Okay. So how do you get there?

How do you get to the place where you are open, like where you are no longer angry? Like I know you said it takes time, but like what are you saying to yourself? What are your practices? Who do you cut off from your life? Who do you include into your life? Because there are some people who feed into the bitterness. They feed into the anger. But then there are other people who call you higher.

What is that environment? Because maybe there is someone that's like, you know what? I'm too angry. I'll never let it go. I can't just accept that she's going to be in my kids' life, but like, you were able to do that, how? For me, there was a few things. I think for me, and I don't know if this isn't in any order,

I don't like feeling angry and bitter. I don't like that. I don't like the way that makes me feel internally. So for me, it was really seeking God, like for a pure heart, crying out to Him for a pure heart. And number two, I didn't want to put my kids through the headness. You know, I mean, it was already a transition and hard enough for them. I don't even know if I have fully discussed with them their experience. You know, if we've had conversations here and there, but I just, I didn't want to put another level of stress or awkwardness on them. I wanted them to be able to experience love, balance, inclusion, and have a good experience

as awkward and rocky as it could be in the beginning. So it was that. I really wanted my kids to be happy, you know. I didn't want to add extra on them. And yeah, so it was that it was me not wanting to feel that hurt in that anger, me seeking God for a pure heart and then not wanting my kids to feel that extra stress. I do think that that is one of the things that made us overcome our own awkward discomfort dynamic is that we really, I think we all,

without having a conversation about it, we wanna make this the best possible for the kids. Like the best possible outcome, the best possible environment for the kids. Like, you know, we not gonna be throwing glasses at each other, I'm not gonna roll my eyes when you come in the room. Right, you know.

And I think like also, I had to remind myself, like even when I was like in different community, you know, where you guys were together as a couple. And now I'm like, you know, here's in different community, you know, where you guys were together as a couple and now I'm like, you know, here's the new wife, you know, and you know, like, okay, here I am. Is it? I like it. Yeah, that's me.

No, hilarious is like when going out, especially like to greater Ebenezer, where like people maybe haven't seen him in a long time and they're like hey Sister Lori and I'm like actually Love Lori think she's great Some of them are older and they just know to raise why I was worried but the thing is to raise hand what happened was Exactly, but like I had to remind myself over and over again, like that it is okay for me to introduce myself into this new space and to be okay with people's reaction, people's reception, not being a reflection of my truth. And I think I had to

like really stay grounded in that. Oh, do you remember, do you remember the first time we met? Yes. We was at, oh, no, it was at the funeral. It was at the funeral. Yes. It was at the funeral. So Terace, father died when we were still dating. And, um, yes, that was the first time we met. And which, which, you know, obviously, as grandpa, Sema passing,

is, you know, heartbreaking for a family. But I think that the blessing in it is that it also, like, we didn't, we couldn't cut a fool if we wanted to. Like who's gonna cut a better funeral? I was like who's gonna crochet that funeral? Who does that? And what was gonna kind of just like, here we go, I was gonna say like, what was going through your head when you knew that you were gonna meet me

for the first time? Oh, I was nervous. That was very nervous. But I think that knowing because of the situation and knowing you can't cut up, you know, or but I don't think I went into a thinking I was going to do that because that's kind of just not my my demo anyway. But I was nervous. I was like, oh my gosh, you know, like I'm going to meet her later. This is the day. Here we go. So I wonder what it's gonna be like. And I don't think it was, I mean, you know, obviously, yes, it was awkward because you know, it was the first time, but I think that it went off well.

Like, you know, we embraced, you know, sorry for your loss, you know, and it was just kind of like, okay. I tell you what, I made a conscious decision that like, I walked right up to you because I was like, listen. You did. You did. I did not want to, you know how you like know you got to meet

somebody but you trying to avoid them at the same time and I was like, listen, you're my. No, here we go, like here I am, let's get it over with, you know, then we got, we have the unfortunate reality that like, members of the church, members of family are all present for our first time. We didn't even get to do it in private. Like everyone is in the kitchen.

I wonder if people were like, everything stood still when it happened to go on. I can only imagine like to be a fly on the wall. My mom was there. She, my mom was there and she was like, I got your back. I was like, I don't know if I'm going to need it, but I appreciate you having my back.

I love her. Oh my gosh. She's a little, a little pint-sized, the, but I think that that really set like the foundation and then you know doing birthday parties and all of that So I wonder like what is the greatest? insecurity that you had to overcome When interacting with like all of us as a unit

This just happened recently for me. Happy, ripe old age of late 40. Really, really embracing me in my identity and who I am. was thinking that I had to be something that I wasn't. Like, what am I trying to say here? Thinking that I had to prove myself as this amazing woman or amazing woman of God or things like that where I can just settle in and just be Lori. God's daughter, you know, and so I think that for me,

that was an insecurity thinking that I was less than. That's one of the things that I had to overcome was thinking that you had this thought that, I had the thought that I didn't measure up you know like I wasn't enough and so you were the enough you know what I mean and just so it made it I it took work for me to get past that. No, no, I'm enough in me, you know, in who I am. And so yeah. That's comparison. I think that that's like to refuse comparison.

Because who doesn't do that? Like whether you are blending a family or you're just ex moves on, like you sit in them and you looking at her is like, oh her butt is a little bit bigger than mine. Oh she wants a college. She got a tattoo. Like, was she no big horse? Like that comparison of like what does she have that I didn't have and it takes a lot of work to really feel like you know what? At the end of the day it didn't work, you know, and it wasn't about what I did or did not have it was about us not, you know what? At the end of the day, it didn't work, you know? And it wasn't about what I did or did not have.

It was about us not, you know, being destined to be together in this season of our life. Absolutely. I have to tell you, like, that insecurity of mine of like me, like trying to fit into a picture that I wasn't, that didn't start with me or to fit into a storyline that I wasn't, that didn't start with me or to fit into a storyline that I wasn't supposed to be in.

That narrative was like, it was both like, I think I felt both insecure and like a full circle moment at the same time, I don't know if that even makes sense, but when Rin got married, because you know, you enter a walk tour down the aisle. And that the image of you two walking your daughter down the aisle felt like this is, this is probably what the dream was.

You know, like this is how I think, you know, in my head at what I battled was like, this is what it was supposed to be, you know what I mean? Like this is what Rin wanted, you know what I mean was this idea of my parents being together and walking me down the aisle. And yet also the full circle grace that, like, but I'm standing here. And she went to, like, great links to make sure that everyone, she went to great links to make sure everyone, there was an equal balance of everyone's presence. That's that, that's that child.

Yeah, that is free. And she's like, listen, everyone's gonna play a part. There will be no division. But at that that that moment of seeing you all together it feels what does that feel like for you like is it as challenging or I don't know what is that as far as like seeing

like yeah like you guys are walking her down the aisle you know as mother and father and like but here I am at the end of the aisle. Like did you feel that blended family tension? I did, yeah. I didn't feel any tension at all. It was beautiful to me.

Yeah. Like here, because you know, it's like, she has all the parental figures that she loves right here. You know, you're standing at the end, you know, watching us walk her down. I'm walking my baby down. Her daddy is walking his baby down. And we're walking towards her, my Dre, who has been going to marry her, her and her dad.

It was beautiful. I mean, I couldn't think of a more beautiful blend than what we have because I, you know, it takes work, you know what I mean? It takes that opening and that willingness, but it's so worth it, you know, it is so worth it and just to have that, it was beautiful to me.

I was on Cloud 9, you know. I was gonna ask you, do you. I was going to ask you, do you have like a first memory of like this being like, okay, this is revolutionary. Like, we out here doing stuff that like we need to tell people about. I think it was when we had a text conversation and we were able to laugh at some of our our foolishness that was kind of internal foolish, right? You know what I mean? In the beginning. And I think it was when I when I was able to tell you about the cookie story. You brought it up. So now you

got to everybody, look at you, I hear talking. Now you got to tell everybody about the cookie story. So my focus is this, okay. So this was in the beginning, it was a very beginning, you guys were still dating. And um, and the kids had brought home some chopped chip cookies that she made, right?

A nice plate, a one-dimensional paper plate, a real plate, and everything. They brought those cookies home, brought home some chopped chip cookies that she made, right? A nice lady, one of the favorite of the paper plates with a real plate, and everything. They brought those cookies home, and I think they left to spend a weekend with Tare. I look at them things, I said they are not gonna stay in my house. These cookies are not staying in my house,

the plate ain't staying in my house. Not the plate, none of it. None of it, none of it. Not all of it, are they going in the trash, they're going in the trash outside. That's right. Outside in the trash. You know what's hilarious?

You told me that story, but I did not tell you, I think the first year that we exchanged food for Thanksgiving, right? Because it's like listening. We mad, but we ain't mad enough to cook all this Thanksgiving food bars for. What you making, I'm making them. Exactly. So I've been hearing about your peach cobbler over and over again, peaches, how much

your peach cobbler. I'm pretty sure this had to be like our first Thanksgiving together. And I was afraid to eat it. I was like, I'm going to eat it after the it. Just in case she's trying to take me out. I don't know about him. And you know what? The kids ate it and put that ice cream on it. And I said, I know she's gonna kill her kids. She loved them too much. And then I just ate the peach cobbler. And now I'm just going to. I don't have a holiday without the peach cobbler. So if you try to sneak attack me, you played a good foundation.

Cause I'm gonna eat the whole thing. He's going in. Yeah, now it's, you know, and see, and that's, that's the beauty of it, you know, that we can get past those awkward thought feelings that are ridiculous, but they're real. Yeah, you know, they're real, nevertheless. And I think it's important that we talk about it, because I feel like the spectrum is either like, you know, oh, we blended our family

and everything was so easy and whoop-doo-wop-doo-wop, or then there's people that's like, we cannot be in the same room together. And it's important to know, like, there is a middle ground. Like, you are gonna have moments where you feel insecure, where you wonder where you fit in the picture, how you fit in the picture. And then there are these beautiful moments

where you look at the person who is in your life who was not necessarily a part of your dream. And you thank God that your dream is different than his plan, because I am so grateful that you exist. Like, when Taylor first got sick before I went down to, like I'm like mom alert, like what can I do for your baby? Like what can I do to make her feel better? And I'll tell you another thing,

even when we first got married and I moved to California and Isaiah was still in school, like, you know, to read it have like all the information that a mom needs in order to like like where are the doctors appointments? Like who are the teachers? What time does homework need to be finished? And so we had to overcome in order to have those conversations. And I'm just, I'm grateful for your presence and your existence.

Thank you. I'm grateful for your support. Thank you. I'm grateful for your support. Thank you. And it's not always a situation where the woman that's now coming into your kids' lives is going to love on them. And you feel safe as their mom. You feel safe with how that other person is going to treat them and actually love on them. And when I tell you my kids love they my right. They do, you know, and I see why, you know, because you love on them like they're your own,

you know what I mean. And for me, I'm super grateful for that. Like I couldn't have asked for it to be a better situation because you love my kids and take care of you. Hang out when you make a laugh. You know, it's just, I'm very grateful. I really am. Okay. So I hate to interrupt all of this good conversation, but I wanted you to know that I want to talk to you too. I want hear your story, I wanna hear your thoughts and opinions, you can send me your application, your video to be a co-host to podcastatwomenevolved.com. Let me know what it is you wanna talk about,

why it's important to you that you be on the podcast. Maybe you like girl, I am not gonna be on anybody's podcast, I don't do talking to people. First of all, this is a sign overcome yourself. But if not, you can send me an advice question podcast at woman evolve.com. Okay, let's get back to the podcast. I was going to ask you because I think that's another thing that makes the blended family situation difficult is like someone coming into the picture who may have a different parenting

style than you do. So how do you come to a place where you're able to, I don't know, like, even though that, even I may do things that aren't in line with what you would do with the kids. Like maybe I'd speak to them differently or treat them in a way that you wouldn't treat them. How do you give that person room to like create their own

relationship without talking badly about them like to the children? Could you know? I think, sorry, there's that ground noise. I think that having conversations with the kids I think that having conversations with the kids about how they, here's the thing, because I could already see that you were a wise person, you know. And so I think that them coming to you for advice or help with anything, I trusted that the God in you was going to give them, you know, the right advice or things like that.

But I think that still keeping that open line of communication with them and how I parent is important. But I think that there is room for other ways of doing things. There's room for other ways of seeing the things. And I think that that adds value and a well-roundedness to the kids where they can have more than one person to talk to. Maybe I get a spot that they need and then there's something that you bring that they need. And so I think that it's even fuller for them to when they're dealing difficult situations. They've got a plethora of people to go to. That, okay, so that brings up another thing

that I think is just worthy advice when blending a family. If you aren't careful, you will allow your hurt to show up in how the kids have a disagreement with the person who you don't like. Like, I wanna say this the right way. So if the kids are having an issue with you, like, oh my gosh, my mom told me I couldn't have my device

and I had to do my homework. Like I have an opportunity in that moment to like side with the kids anger out of my own bitterness and hop on the fact that like, ooh, they don't like her or they found a crack in her armor. And now I'm gonna be like, ooh, they don't like her or they found a crack in her armor and now I'm gonna be like, yes, I can't believe she did that. Or how dare she not let you have freedom of your electronics or you have an opportunity

to validate that other parent as if they were there in the room because at the end of the day, making sure there's consistency with the children. And if we have an issue, like we can talk about that as adults, but I'm not gonna allow the kid to be to reinforce a negative narrative about their parent just because I haven't figured out how to engage with that person.

And now that takes growth because when you're insecure and you're uncertain, when the kids begin to see that, like, oh, maybe this person isn't so shiny, there's a part of you that's like, yes, I've been waiting kids begin to see that, oh, maybe this person isn't so shiny, there's a part of you that's like, yes, I've been waiting on someone to see it, but the truth is that that doesn't serve the child in their growth and development either. Right.

Have you ever explained what I was gonna say? What are your thoughts on that? No, I completely agree with that. And that's where you have to check yourself. Like even if you don't agree with, you know, if I didn't agree with the decision that you made or that to Rey made or whatever, and I would have done it differently,

even if I have to check myself because I'm not going to go against what you guys are saying. First of all, they live with y'all. So, now that hasn't always been that way. You know, and they didn't like coming to see us. Quiet as it kept, quiet as it kept. Well, we knew I'm gonna drag them on the podcast next. No chat.

When we first got first of all, there's a lie going going and I don't know if you heard this lie, but I'm gonna fix it right here, right here for the world to see. There is a lie that I used to starve your children when they came to my house. Wait. Oh yeah. I've never heard this.

Thank God that at least didn't tell you this. No, when I first moved someone in our family unit has, has oftentimes accused me of starving them. Starving. Wait, no. Starving. What I did here was my drain dad would sneak off and go eat. Was that it? We don't have nothing.

We don't have nothing. And then we didn't have nothing to eat. Can I tell you, like, come on, y'all. Nothing, no, no. And let me tell you something, not only is it not true, it is a bold face lie. It is a bold face lie. We had crackers, we had tuna, we had cereal,

and we had milk in it. And minimum at all times. We had milk in it. I don't even know how we got there, but I just wanted to clear the air on that one. That is hilarious. But no, but it's very important to not, yeah, you don't want to add fuel to the fire. Yeah.

Just don't, like, that's not, and that's always, one of my main goals is make sure the kids are good, you know, and if there's something I disagree with, maybe I'll talk on the side about it, pray about it, whatever. But I'm not getting ready to add fuel to that because that's not a certain many of you, any good. Yeah, kids, people forget that when you add fuel to the fire, like you're in that fire too, like it seemed like you're just creating some mess over at their house or you're drawing yourself closer to your children because you're bonding over events.

But we're literally about to spend the rest of our lives together. That's what people underestimate when you're blending a family. It's not just until the kids get 18. Like Rin just got married. She's well over 18. You and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together. And I don't want to roll my eyes every time you walk into the room I don't want to be upset. No, I just I don't I can't I want to roll my eyes over someone else like I'm not saying I don't

Why would we have to do it towards one another? Yeah, no, I just I That was not It just was not what I wanted. Like, I just, I don't want to live like that. You know, I want, I want peace. I love peace happiness. Laughter. Let's have some fun. You know, it is a different dynamic of what we all thought it was going to be, but let's

make it work. Have me. Okay. One more question. Then we have an advice question. Have you ever had to like get someone together about our dynamic, like someone who maybe came into it thinking like, oh, I'm a Roma. Oh, tell me about it.

So you know, when Ben posted the picture, I'll say yes to the dress and it was you me, her, and Tia in the picture. So a friend of mine, Lord God, I hope you don't watch this but yeah, oh you know they don't eat this up. Shao, she said me a thing, she said, you better than me. I said girl, I am so past that.

I don't have time or energy, this is my family. You know what I mean? I just, why would I like why would I still it's been how many years now I'm eight years. We ate in it. I'm still carrying that for eight years. Like really? Yeah. But what what is it that I'm still mad about? Yeah. You know what I mean that's for me it's like what is it that you're still mad about? And why are you still mad about something that happened eight years ago?

Are you still like, I just don't understand. And that's for me. I'm not trying to put anybody down if they're having struggles with getting over something. Okay, but just put the work in to try to. Yeah. But I don't have, what am I still mad about? You know what I mean?

So it's like, I don't see what's wrong with taking a picture with my baby, me, and her moderate, and her sister when we went in dress shopping. And I remember we had that conversation when we were at the wedding place. I said, don't feel like you have to take a step back, you know, when we're, this is Rins, we're picking out her dress. I don't feel like you have to like take a step back, you know, when we're, this is Rins, we're picking out her dress. Like, don't feel like you have to be in the background. And you were like, yeah, because I actually was kind of feeling them, you know,

like, look, you know, how do I, I, no, you're her moderate too, you know, and she values your opinion. She values, you know, your feelings. So. And I love that you create that space because I was like, you know, Ella is six, Kinsey is 12, and you know, I think about like one day when they get married and when I think about it, like I don't see, you know, this other person in the picture, and I just wanted to respect the fact that like this is a moment that you've been dreaming of since she was in your womb, right?

And I wanted to make sure that you got the fullness of that experience while also respecting the fact that Rin had invited me. And so I did kind of feel like, you know, I'm a mom too. And I knew what that moment meant. And I wanted you to experience that. Yeah. And I said that part too. Okay.

We did that dress and we didn't get enough credit for it. She should have put a tag on there. She should have styled by it. Styled by it's not too late. You already know how much your girl loves food and food loves your girl, okay? Not just any food, I'm talking about the good kind, carbs. They love me back, they love me too much, I need us to break up.

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for your trial at noom.com slash evolve. We have an advice question about blending a family. I'm going to flip it. I'm going to flip it. I'm going to ask it and then we'll flip it. Dear SJR in the delegation first. Let me say I love you SJR and, I think you guys is my big sister. My head was up. I am a 26 year old woman who has been in a relationship for about five months. My partner is a healthy Christian man who is also a father

of 12 year old twins. Initially, I was very apprehensive about pursuing the relationship because I do not have many children and have often questioned my ability to mother because of my own mother wounds. Based on the current direction of the relationship, marriage is a strong possibility. I would love to continue to be in this relationship, but I am worried about becoming a stepmother. I want to grow to love them the way that God would desire for me to. My question is, how did you grow, slash learn to love your stepchildren unconditionally? Thank you in advance for your advice.

So I want to answer this question because I know that you don't have stepchildren yet, but we work on all this. Yes, we are. But before I answer, I want to know from your, as a woman who's had to welcome a stepmother into your life and into your fold, what are some things that she can do in order to, you know, create harmony or open communication and relationship with the biological mother of the children?

Well, it sounds like since she's asking for advice that she wants that, you know what I mean. So first you got to want it, you really really have to desire to have that harmony with the other person. I think if the other person is willing, you know, prayerfully the other person is on that same page. You can have conversations about the kids, is there anything that I can do to be more helpful? And I think just having that open communication with the kids to not try to force anything,

but just being who you are, and having that open communication with the kids to not trying to force anything, but just being who you are, you know, and having that open communication with them and establishing that trust with them, I think will help the mom when she sees, and she'll have to work through, yeah, she'll have to work through something, you know, because then it's part two where it's like, oh, they do like her. Okay, so, okay. So they like her, you know, because there's that part, you know, where you have to deal with. But I think creating that open communication and just being inclusive with the mom, you know, Hey, we were thinking about doing this. What are your thoughts on that?

Is there anything that I could do to help them enjoy this more? You know, just things like that. What they include, you know, the mom and that, I think. That's great. I love that advice because one thing that, like, you know, you can come into one accord with as it relates to the biological mother

of your step children, it's like she's gonna be a sucker for them kids. So if you show her that you're trying to love those kids and protect those children and help her raise them in the way that she wants to raise them, y'all might not like the same music, y'all might not go to the same places or shop at the same place.

It's like you may not choose to be friends, but you can choose to raise them children together. And if you show me, you're gonna love and protect my babies. Like, I can get on board with that. And I would just add as someone who's, you know, learned to love my bonus babies unconditionally that I would say like, date them. Like date them the same way that you date your partner and take them to the park, take them to the movies and then date them. Like date them the same way that you date your partner

and take them to the park, take them to the movies and then observe them. Don't try and force like, are we gonna connect? Is this gonna be when we fall in love but give them space to like really be who they are and then love who they are. Like I love the way that you pointed out what happened in this movie

or I like their sense of humor and you get to learn them and like them and then fall in love with them the same way that you ball in love with the partner. So give them space to be who they are, make a decision that is headed in the direction of love and then create experiences that allow that seed of love to be watered in the lives of those children and you'll look up and you'll just be like completely totally obsessed with them the way that I am with mine. So, I was going to ask you though, like when when was that moment? I mean, I'm sure it happened, you know, different times with the three of them, but when was that moment for you? When did you realize that you're like that this is a good question. He is. You know, Isaiah was the nicest to me

when we first got together. He was just a gem. Thank you for all that you've done to pour into his life. Them girls was their mama's protector and they were not like, they were eating cookies but they was like, still like, I mean, these cookies, but it's not the red.

Oh, Lord, red. Me and Ryan, it was probably 2017 when Rin and I, and we were sitting out on the swing, and Rin, you guys don't know Rin, but Rin is just not the one or the two. She's just going to sit down and tell you how she feels. And we were sitting on the swing, and she was like, OK, listen, so this is what my issues were

when y'all got together and you know here what some of my current issues are. And this is also what I love about you and I wanna fix these issues so that we can learn to live together harmony. And we were saying, I always admired Rendo because Rendo had no problem talking to her dad and communicating tough feelings

and disagreeing with him without fear. And I was like, this is bad and she is bold and I enjoyed that. For me and Tay and I, like I always felt like Tay and, I shared this, Tay reminded me of myself when we first got married. And I don't know at the time because she didn't know me very well, that didn't necessarily come off

as the greatest compliment, because at the time, I was just talking about my story about getting pregnant at an early age. And she was like, and you tried to end the moment. So I think we had a disconnect, because I was, I don't know, it was just an awkward disconnect. And then I think we learned to, you know, live with one another, but I think I think that Tay and I

really started loving each other and Denver. Yeah, because you know, I moved to Denver. I know, oh gosh. Child, girl, guys. I'm rough. I know. Oh, gosh. Child, girl. God. I'm rough. I know it had to have been rough. Then you came in visit it for Tay's birthday and stayed

at the house. Do you remember we were in the snow storm and had a onesie? Man, we was trying to make our work. Pain, yeah. That's fun. It was fun. We made it. We made it work.

But it was definitely Denver. How did Denver affect you? And then I'm finished. The one finish. No, that was rough because I think it was maybe a year before that, maybe not even a year before that when they stopped living with me and then moved with that whole nut story. You know, we're living full time with you and Trey. And then the move to Denver came. And it was hard because I'm such a hands-on mom, you know? And I had never been on my own before, truthfully, because I went from living with my parents to

getting married to having kids, so I had never just been by myself. And so it was really, really hard. But remember, Ren stayed here for a little bit because she was trying to be like, I'm not moving the dish. And then she couldn't see life without her siblings. So her siblings needed her. And it was really hard to see her go because I was like, there was part of me that was like, okay, well, at least I have one of them with you.

But to see then her go to it was it was tough it really really was tough you know at the end of the day. I said well you know you guys will be coming here you know to visit here in LA and then I'm gonna just make some trips out to Denver and we just have to make it work again another new that's a new normal. You know, it was only for you to get your praise Jesus. But what did you learn about yourself and being stripped of, you know, the title of wife that you had and then mother in the way that you were used to mothering like what gifts, what hidden gift it was there hidden gift that existed in that solitude that you're grateful for in hindsight? I learned that and I don't even know if, at that point, I learned, because at that

point, I was in a relationship, you know. But, so I wasn't completely alone, but it was still a different dynamic because my kids were gone, you know, and so I think for me it was just learning to let go of that, I don't know, same responsibility or that feeling of I needed to have my kids in my life in order to feel like a whole person, you know, I needed to, you know to have them there with me in order to be a whole person because that's the thing. It's like, I'm not. Laurie is not just a mom.

Laurie is Laurie. And what is that? Who is she without having the responsibility or the commitment to having her kids with her all the time? And so navigating through that, and I'm still navigating through that now, because now that I'm not in that other relationship, and my kids are, you know, I have one that's married, and you know, the other two still don't live with me. And so it's even, it's so wonderful right now, being in this space where I am,

where, you know, my kids are grown. I'm grown, I'm single, they're very single. Very, everyone is listening. We have a WeTV show about Final Lord, even for another time though. For another time. But it's a wonderful space to discover who you are just as you, not the title of being the mom, or being a wife, or being the worship leader, or just who are you, you know, those things, yes, encompass you, but

do you need to be identified by any of those things to feel like a whole person? And that's where I think that's where I am now right now. Well, I can tell in the eight years that I've known you that you're definitely like in your best season yet, you're full of so much joy and light and confidence and peace. And I just look forward to me and in your corner as things grow and evolve. I see what I did.

I see what you did not there. We survived. We did it. We did it girl. We did it. Oh, China. She said China did it. No.

This was great. I love you. Thank you for doing this with me too. You know what? I love you. I love you. Thank you for doing this with me too. And you know what? I love you and I like you. You know how I mean? You can love somebody and be like, cause they're my family.

But I love you and I like you. Thank you. You're the person. Thank you. So are you. This so are you. I'm going to get the footage. I'm going to send it to you.

We going to play it. And then we go and decide if anyone ever sees it. Right now you think you think they gonna see it, you think they got a chance to see it? I think so. I think they got a chance too. Okay, I'll talk to you later. Okay, bye. Bye. Man, listen, we made it.

We made it. You have no idea how much we have been texting about this. Like, are we going to do it? How are you feeling about it? You nervous what you want to do. But we made it. I hope that our story, our transparency and vulnerability was helpful to you on your journey.

I love having conversations that help us all to grow. And to be honest, I'd love to have you join me too. But you got to be honest. You got to be transparent. You got to be honest I'd love to have you join me too but you got to be honest you got to be transparent you got to be vulnerable because that is the only way that we feel seen connected with and then challenge to grow. I know you have a story to share so I'm inviting you to be my next co-host. Email podcast at warmnivov.com with a one to two-minute video about why you should be on the show or you can send me an advice question that you'd like me to answer. Either way, I want to hear from you. you