Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes Roberts - Healing Your Mother Wound w/ Alyson Brown

Episode Date: October 4, 2023

They say to be the adult you needed when you were younger. But what about those of us traversing emotional injuries created by a generational deficit? YES chile, we're talkin' "mother wounds". As an overcomer of mental and emotional barriers in her childhood, our guest co-host Alyson Brown sits down with SJR to share with listeners how healing is STILL available. Join us as W.E. go inward to become the change we needed and perhaps STILL need to experience. Then learn more about the work that Alyson is doing by plugging into her "Shades of Brown Podcast" and "Healing from a Mother Wound Community".

God can't bless you for tend to be or who you can care yourself to. He can only bless you and the lane that was created for you. I feel that for somebody. You don't need no itch, itch, itch, itch, itch, you need boundaries. What? I don't need your lights, I don't need your elevation. All I need is a God party for me that's there. All things, all things, all things.

Child. So this podcast is woman evolved. And while it certainly centers around the individual journey of a woman who is becoming the best version of herself, I have to acknowledge that womanhood is so directly connected to our relationship with our mothers, whether that relationship be amazing, somewhat afraid, or complicated. It's difficult to truly understand who you are as a woman without fully examining the relationship you've had with your mother. A lot of times we hear on social media or we

see little poster graphics, it's like be the change you want to see in the world. And that's powerful, it's beautiful. It's something that I subscribe to. But there's also something to be said about being the change that you needed. When I begin this conversation with Alice and Brown, I am fully aware that she has stepped into the reality of being the change that she needed, specifically as it related to what she needed from her mother. One of the things that I love about this conversation

is that it gives space not for us to condemn any mothers who are on a journey, but rather to see them as women who are finding themselves just like us who are doing the best they can with the pieces that they have. And there are moments where those pieces, the sharp jagged edges of their identity rub up against our vulnerability and indeed a wound is created. But as you will learn just because you have been wounded, it doesn't mean that it is the end. Through this conversation, I pray that you will be inspired to be the change that you

needed as well. Not by waiting on someone else to do it, but by trusting that God can empower you to go back in time and to heal the very pieces of your life that he knew could be restored. Are you ready to go into the surgery room? I promise it won't be as painful as it looks. Let's take a moment and dig in the Allison story. Hi. Hello. How are you, Cassis here?

I'm doing great. Thank you. How are you? Doing wonderful. Doing wonderful. I'm really excited to. Thank you. How are you doing wonderful doing wonderful. I'm really excited to speak with you. I've heard amazing things about the work you're doing. Thank you so much. I am so honored to be having this conversation with you. Please we're like I'm about to be so far in your business we we gonna be home girls when this goes. I will explain to you. Well, I'll be right back because we've been basically my kids. Oh, yeah.

They're all in the same place. Oh, yeah. And me. OK, Allison, I have found through lots of therapy, emotional trauma work, and just sorting through my own pain and history that what I needed the most when I was a kid was language to really express what I needed. And as an adult having received language,

I have been able to identify some of the needs that I had then but couldn't express. I know that you've done a lot of work, a lot of growth and development yourself. And so I'm wondering, what is it that you needed but couldn't express when you were a kid? Oh, man, there were so many things, mostly understanding. And that's a big ask as a kid.

So beyond that, maybe even curiosity from both around me, from my community, to at least try to understand, you know, what I could maybe express of the child or what I couldn't directly ask for, you know, I absolutely needed affection, I needed gentleness, you know, and I think oftentimes we expect, specifically our travel, we sometimes expect kids to be able to regulate their emotions,

to be able to respond in an adult way. And unfortunately sometimes our community re-supons as if we should know better or we should have matured beyond the phase we're in. And I really just always feel like, man, I'm not there yet. Wherever that place is, but now I understand that I wasn't supposed to be anywhere beyond where I was. So I really just needed gentleman and patience and affection. And for someone to come where I was and to lean into the space that I was

instead of me always to like I needed to at least or get to this space that I just wasn't prepared for already breathed. Man, that is spot on for so many of us. When they were first telling me about you, they were telling me that you are the creator of healing from a mother wound. And some of those things that you listed sound like an opportunity for a parental figure to really help a child translate what's happening to them or to serve them as they are discovering what they need. Can you tell me a little bit about your journey of having a mother wound and then moving from a place of not just having it but healing from it?

Yeah, yeah. So, firstly, let me express what exactly the mother wound is. That language may not be familiar to everyone. It certainly wasn't familiar to me. I had one, but didn't know what it was until probably maybe I don't know four or five years ago. I defined a mother wound as an emotional injury created by a generational deficit

in the mother's child dynamic mother child relationship that then causes subcritical controlling and co-dependent behaviors. And I, of course, developed this as a child due to emotional neglect. Abandonment does not always look like physical abandonment. This go rejection. It could be, you know, just not giving the attention you needed. But we all come into this world with a set of needs. And when those needs aren't met, there's a void there, right?

Regardless of ones intent, there's just a void there. So that's what a mother-in-year is. And my healing from that, unfortunately, in the early stages of me coming up to the awareness of this, I thought that because it was a mother wound, my mother was very responsible for taking care of it, and for healing it, and doing her part so that I can be fixed. And I met a lot of mistakes and had a lot of both in this journey trying to change the other party. Instead of going inward and being introspective

and understanding that though this room was called by another party, it is my own, that it is my responsibility to heal and overcome it. And thankfully God has walked me through this journey which is why I've been developed this program to help others overcome. And he walks me through this journey, which is why I've been developed this program to help others overcome. And he walks me through having to first, we acknowledge, like, how does this show up for me? What does it look like? What does this mother-won look like? Because I'm a fool who I'm a adult.

You know what I'm saying? Why am I still being so impacted by things that have been 23 years ago, I don't understand, make it make sense. So whether it was perfectionism or codependency or recreating my mother child dynamic in other relationships, whether that was romantic relationship or friendship or even at work, you know, I had to understand how it showed up for me. And then God walked me through having to not only forgive my mother for not being what I needed, but also grieving what I thought I was supposed to have, grieving what in my

mind is very sad, mother child dynamic, you know, this is this this is the relationship, whatever that looks like for each person, I have to agree with that. And then coming to acceptance of what I do have, right? Because I do, I do have a mother, I do have an amazing mother, who gave me incredible things. So now I have to come into acceptance of this is what I do have. How can I come to appreciate all of what she did give me and then move beyond that and several other steps but I don't want to get too far ahead of me. But yeah, that's what did about my journey of experiencing them other wounds.

I have about 1800,000 11 questions. Okay. Where do I want to begin? I want to ask you, okay, so going through life we experience all types of wounds from friends, wounds from teachers, wounds from other family members. What is it about a mother wound that makes it particularly devastating and altering to our identity. That is such a wonderful question. What makes the mother so impactful is that clearly, you know, this is the person who brought us into this world, right? And for whatever reason, we come in with these innate expectations of our mother, that she

will protect, provide, or whatever that list may be for you, for anyone, we just have this innate expectation. And when those are metastasized, saying, and honestly, some of those expectations are fair, right? Even the word speaks of, you know, it implies, like when the Lord says, even though your mother makes a get you out of all, you know, it implies there's something that's implication like, she wasn't really supposed to predict you, you know,

I mean, like there was, she was supposed to be this person that did X, Y, D, right? And I think what makes it so much more impactful is that this is our blood, you know, and it is different versus a, you know, a professional colleague or a teacher or a workman. It's just it's different when it's the person that you share so much with, biologically, spiritually, relationally. It's just beyond impactful. And also, this particular wound, I think in other scenarios, as you as you mentioned, those might be a little bit isolated, but the mother wound impacts literally everything.

I have a friend who's also into similar work and he says our father's shape, our identity, our internal world, our fathers shape our identity our entire world. Our mothers shape our external world. So how we show up is a direct reflection of our mother's child that made me so how we show up at work, how we show up at a learning is a direct reflection of what has important to us from our mother. So our identity we may be getting from our father, our heavenly father, our natural fathers. But how we're showing up externally all the time, that's based on our mothers. The brand new single from Woman Evolve Worship, Chandler Moore and Abigail Boa will be available

on all streaming platforms on Friday, October 6. Relive the moment with us from conference on Sunday, October 8th at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on Sarah Jake's Robert to YouTube channel. You can pre-save now by going to vontimeguide.com. Oh, him. We're checking out, I'm checking off the list. I'm holding these questions in my head

because I want to understand Part of the definition that you gave me for a mother wound included a generational Pattern and I didn't I don't want to quote you, but what I took from it is there's a generational dynamic that is at play and Why this emotional injury occurs in the first place? Break that down for me. Absolutely, absolutely. I think it's very important to specify that this injury isn't something that is isolated to two people, mother and child. It goes far beyond that.

If you have a mother wound, your mother has a mother wound. Nine times out of ten, it is something that has been passed down because we don't do it on purpose. We passed out our pain. And unfortunately, we have people coming into the space of parenthood with all of their stuff. And unfortunately, sometimes that stuff includes their own loneliness. And oftentimes if we are blessed enough to have grandparents, oftentimes we can see the exact same pattern play out. But we're expected for my mother, if we listen close enough, they are experiencing the exact same thing from their mother. And that's where grace comes in.

It's like, oh man, you just do it. You just do what you know to do. You know what I mean? You didn't know any better. You're also hurt. Let me take a step back, deal with myself, and show you grace and compassion, and hopefully that will give you the opportunity, my mother's opportunity to come into the space of her own healing.

And we can maybe do our, you know, do these things together because she is also very wounded. And when God showed me, the biggest part of my forgiveness part of that journey was when God showed me that my mom was just a woman. Yeah. Like so many of us look at our mothers as just mothers.

And it's like they are just regular old people who just try to figure it out, you know? And especially if, you know, maybe the child was in like a very strategic plan. Maybe, you know, we just came along. My parents were absolutely were married. But I'm not sure that like it was a car ride. Yeah, we don't have Allison. So it's like, we just come along and they're just figuring it out

and doing the very, very best with all of it, because they're still navigating with in parenthood, still not able to notice stuff, right? So it is absolutely generational, and I think that's why it's important to acknowledge that so that we can be very cognizant and aware that we don't then pass down the same on-demand. Now you mentioned making a lot of mistakes when you first realized you had a mother wound. So I want to talk a little bit about the discovery of your mother wound, like how did you wake

up one day? I was like wait a minute, this is an emotional injury from generational implications of my, like how did you pinpoint it to your relationship with your mother? And then I wanna know how did your mom respond to you having a mother wound? So I've always known that my relationship with my mom wasn't the most common.

Growing up, we all would have that, like, I'm like, I can't say my mom, right? But mom was a bit more specific and it was a bit more beyond. I remember watching how like teenage, you might be in school without a teenager or a middle school, how the kids would complain about their mom, but then at the same, in the same brisk, tell their moms everything, they acted like friends, and it's like, wait, I don't, I thought you didn't like her. We different. It's different. You know, right, right, wait, I don't have that, that restoration piece, that, that reconciliation

piece that y'all are having, y'all are going back to her, and Yala gives really kick in it. And there's a disconnect. So I'll always knew there was a difference. But I did not know it was a mother room door, the implications of it until it was probably about, probably about a few years ago. And it really was more about the future revelation, like what do I mean?

This relationship is showing up everywhere. It's showing that I thought it was isolated, which I can just tuck it away and deal with it, or not deal with it, because you know, we don't get that way. Which is what's not deal with it. So I just tuck it away. And so I realized this is showing up in my dating, is showing up in my work, is showing up as perfectionism, is showing up in like this codependency,

where it is coming from, and I remember starting my therapy journey, right? I went to therapy in 2018 because I needed to be fixed. I was like, something is off, something, something someone needs to fix me. And in therapy is when, you know that onion start being unlaired. It's like, wait a minute, I came here for one thing. How do we, how do we back at two years old? How do we back at five years old? And that's when I began to understand this anxiety isn't random.

This thing has followed you from my earliest memories. You know, these patterns, these cycles are experiencing, they aren't random. This thing was planted in your childhood. Now, a lot of it stems from your earliest relationships inside your home. So, that's how I came into the awareness of it. And again, like I said, I was like, all right, well, Mama, you think to do it. I remember, I remember, um, by, you know, going, going to my underdevelopment and then getting the boldness and the courage to not so much confront her, I was, I thought I was doing the right thing, but saying, you know what, I'm not going to confront her. I'm going to say, you know what, let's get a third party to help us heal because I'm ready to do the work. These are the words I'm using to my mama. Do the work. What do you mean to do the work? Um, so I asked her to come to

therapy with me. I'm like, you know, I'm in therapy. I don't always communicate the right ways to her because of so many years of just, you just get hard over the year. So it's like, let me just get a third party to help us. That was kind of a good idea. Okay. That was a good idea. It was just nuts. Because even with my good intentions to really try and get us on the same page and saying, paging up a communicator, I realized that I was needing her to be what she did

and to then change so that I can become better. And it was a therapist in that session who was like, you by beer, me to go on an inner child healing journey. You grow up now. Okay, she's done her part. Now it's on you sis. It ain't fair. I'm not saying it's fair, but this is you.

This your self. This your self, not a bitch. I mean, if you want to come to therapy cool, but you can heal without this other party ever changing. So yes, to answer your question, it's good not really go over well because,, I come from a two-parent home, upper middle class home, believing home, people in my pants are in ministry, right? So it's like, what you got to complain about?

You've had everything you needed, right? Your financial needs were provided for, you went with your college, you think you care about it, right? So not just my mom mom but so many people are like huh what I don't understand I don't understand why you mad or why you hurt it's like I'm not mad what's just we have to acknowledge that this thing that happened this real thing that happened in the midst of all of what you did to write there was still something that happened and we got to deal with it. But I just learned though that whether or not she wants to come under dirty, I can feel heal. And that is what I want to share with others, whoever voted

you. You can hear without them ever changing. And that's what this whole week is about. We're talking about like being the change that we needed. And so once you came to this realization, like, okay, this is my responsibility. This is what happened to me. You've taken inventory and assessed the damage. How do you then begin to reverse it? Man, like I was saying earlier, it was of course acknowledging how it shows up and then a lot of the change happened when I began to shift my perspective. And I've already spoken to that a little bit, but I had to shift my perspective of not just my mom, but also of myself and of God. I had to become to see God differently. Because of our raising, I saw God as this like, tyrant, this person who was always trying

to give me, always looking to see what I have failed so that he can then get it right. And that's a direct reflection of the peripheral dynamic, right? One of my former therapists told me that our parents are often our skinned odds. So they're the closest thing we have, right, as a reflection of who God is. And unfortunately, that reflection is in all ways the appropriate one or the accurate one. So I had to change my perspective of who got what. And I began to see him as someone who absolutely was for me.

Not just someone who was trying to force me to become something, but someone who was for me, who was pushing me gently, who was a really good father. And I also want to put mother to me. Everything to us, right? So I had to shift my perspective of who God is to me. Now I was like, this is my perspective of who my mom was, which I've already spoken about.

She's just a moment trying to figure it out. And I also shifted my perspective of who I am. Like, yes, this thing had happened, but I don't have to remain a victim. I can overcome that. I can now become whatever it is I want to become. I can now give myself everything I needed, right? There are deficits, yes, there are a voice to feel,

but God has granted me or has poured up abundance and emotional abundance spiritual abundance. I have everything I need. So sure, I didn't get this from my mother. Sure, I didn't get this from my father. But God has also placed me in great community and God has also allowed me to give myself those things. So I'm a little going to place demands on external beings to give

me something that I already have within. Right? So did I need affection? Yes, but I can get that. I can also get that elsewhere. I can get that within. Did I need quality time? Yes, but now I can get that within. Did I need and do I still need acceptance? Absolutely. But now I'm practicing radical self-acceptance. Right? I'm not going to wait anymore. I'm just not waiting no more to be loved, to be wanted, to be accepted. I'm going to give myself that and also accept that God has also given me that as well. I am deeply loved. I am deeply cared for. I am deeply sought after. Right? So that is a lot of the ways that I healed and overcome and reverse, reverse the trauma that is the mother wound. When you said earlier, you probably didn't even

realize it, but you were talking about the mother wound and then you said to me, I have an amazing mother. And I feel like part of the indicators that you have embarked on a successful, inner-child healing journey is when you're able to look at your villain and see them as amazing, even with their flaws in full sight. And to be able to say, you didn't do everything well, you were not perfect, but you were absolutely amazing. And I think part of the fear that parents possess is if I didn't do this well,

then are you gonna throw everything away? And I think that's what makes them hesitant to engage in the conversations that adult children wanna have about the areas where they experienced the void. I did the best I could. Somebody else was home. Somebody else went through this. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't do that.

No, you didn't physically harm me No, you didn't physically harm me. Maybe you didn't sexually harm me. Yes, I did eat dinner. But there were other things that I needed that don't take away from what you did do well. But I think it's so powerful to say, you know what, I'm not even asking you to fix it. I've made you aware of this being the journey I'm going on.

And I'm going to take care of it myself. You know, I think that that's the reparenting that makes us all better. Yes, yes. We have to be parent, we have to, we have to. And that's what all this is, right, is reparenting. And we get to do that in so many beautiful ways. And I have found that this repair into the ring doesn't have to be so rigid and so. I've just run that healing can also be fun too, right? Like there were things, there were small things in my childhood that I wanted. Growing up

as a PK, there were just things that I didn it could experience because we were in church and we were always to control. There were little things that I didn't get to experience. And even in my adult that I find myself, like, you know what? I can do that now. Small example, growing up in the South, there was always the Battle of the Man every year. And I always wanted to go see the Battle of the Band but it was always on a Sunday. So it was out of the question like we're just not doing it. Last year for the first time in my life I finally went to the Battle of the Band all on a Sunday and it was so amazing and

it's also a little thing but I had I was like a little kid in the candy store. I had so much fun. And it's like, oh, this is healing too. It's not just the confronting and the deconstructing and the tearing down and the rebuild. It's those little moments of healing where it's like, wait, how have everything I need? Like, I'm doing this, I'm healing. Like even at, you know, whether it's playing in the ocean for the first,

whatever the theme is, it's playing in the ocean for the first, whatever the theme is, it's like, we can give ourselves that knowledge. We're not stuck. We are not stuck. We're full grown now. We can do the things. Okay, so I have a question for you, Allison.

As you've been on this journey of healing your mother wound, outside of your mother, who has obviously played a part in your healing as much of maybe of a part as she did in your wounding just by giving you space to do it and inspiring the work that is allowing you to touch others so much honor to her. You're amazing mother outside of her what woman would you say has been most impactful in helping you on your healing journey? There are there there quite a list

Khalida for come to mind she I think really one message of hers changed the trajectory of my entire life. She preached the message at, what was the conference called? It was in Chicago. We're all changes conference. I want to say in 2019, I didn't go, but I remember buying the conference package to get to look at the replays.

And she pre-summed, it's called the Resurrection of the Wounded. And it changed everything. It changed, it changed the game for me. I remember being on my living room floor like, way prostrate, just like bawling my eyes out because it was like she was speaking directly to me. And I had never heard anyone break down, drive bones the way she broke that tick dab at you. And yeah, she has been so influential to me in my journey. But of course I cannot be talking to you and not say you. No, you're not allowed to say me. Can't say me.

Can't say your mom. I want to find that message, though. It sounds really powerful. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And you know, we listen to good words. Or we hear good things all the time. But it's something when I remember the exact name of the text. Like, it was so, so, so, so powerful.

Who also has been influential is Melissa Fredericks. text, like it was so, so, so, so powerful. Who also has been influential is Melissa Frederick. She is an influence nurse. She is a wife of comedian Kevin Stage. She's got most people in her. But her journey has been so beautiful to watch. Her evolution has been so beautiful to watch. And so encouraging.

She is another one who has been just like, OK, yeah, I can do this. I can chit and pivot and change and evolve again, and evolve again. And yeah, those women right there, absolutely. Well, if you had to tell them in one sentence, what you hope they know about the role that they've played on your journey. What would it be?

Oh, that would have been curious. Oh, we. Oh, man. Thank you. Thank you for your yes, because them displaying, specifically Melissa Project displaying their vulnerabilities and evolving in front of us, it was everything. It was everything to give us the freedom to, especially as Christian women, specifically Christian black women, there are so many things that so many barriers for us unfortunately. So the people like her to just break against all those barriers, I bears are gone here by none of these I am a Christian woman yes and that that that that right so yes I would just say thank you for your yes thank you for showing us thank you for inviting us in the journey thank you

because it will be game changer well Alice in your game changer I'm so excited for all the work that you're going to do in helping women grow and become the best version of themselves. Thank you for spending some time with me today. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate you so much. My pleasure. Take care. Allison, sis, we appreciate you for setting the time aside to hang with us, I had a blast and you are clearly a change agent undeniably so. I know so many listeners connected to this podcast are now motivated to curate safe spaces

in the lives of others. Thank you for creating a safe space while they're on their journey of healing. I look forward to hearing how this podcast is helping you heal. Make sure you drop us online on the socials or send us an email at podcastatwomenyvob.com. We'll chat soon. Take care. you